Hey guys! Hope you enjoyed the wonderful Jessie Kahnweiler as the first guest on T&A Talk Sex: In Bed With Series. Listen to our full podcast episode with Jessie talking about her new show The Skinny and what inspires her feminist, funny films here: http://bit.ly/JessieKahnweiler
The Skinny: http://tinyurl.com/z2ngcv7
Jessie’s Channel: http://tinyurl.com/zxo9gzo
Whenever I sit down to write these posts, I truly never have any idea how long they will be. A title comes to me and, like a midwife, I sit down and allow myself to be used as a channel. So before you read this, scroll down and see how long it is and if you have the 5-10 minutes to read it. This one feels important, even before I begin to write the meat of it.
Lately I’ve had quite a few women come to me and express dissatisfaction with their sexuality/sex life. When they come to me, often they feel there is something wrong WITH THEM because they aren’t feeling sexual, and as I begin to work with them to help them unfurl the petals of this vital part of their feminine nature, what I am seeing over and over is fear and disconnection, brought about by a woman’s own body wisdom.
Throughout my life I have always said that the most important things I’ve ever learned I have learned through my body. Living in a world that from a very early age teaches women and girls NOT to listen to their innate body wisdom has caused a massive shut down in our ability to discern what is healthy from what may be dysfunction. We trust more what we hear outside of us, instead of what we hear from within.
So many women who feel disconnected sexually are actually in a place of awakening, as their body wisdom has taken over where the mind has failed them. In their deepest heart, they KNOW that this version of sex they are being sold is all wrong for them, but because there is no body trust for most women, it becomes depression and a subscription to the mainstream mindset that there must be something wrong with you.
Sexuality in our culture has become a lot like fast food, and just as devoid of nutrition and satisfaction. We are hungry for something that we know we are supposed to get via sex, both women and men, yet after living on junk food, we are physically sick and more in need of nutrition than ever. That nutrition is the energetic component of sex that is all but lost in the way we do sex now, and yet women’s bodies are rebelling against this, even as women’s minds subscribe to the BS that there’s something wrong with you if you don’t want sex or aren’t having it.
‘In this episode, A’s dead mom comes to her in a dream and tells her the #1 disempowering thing she’s doing to herself… which you may be doing too!’
But perhaps the greatest unexpected gift of this job has been living above the store. For many years my life was consumed by long commutes—from my home in Chicago to Springfield, Illinois, as a state senator, and then to Washington, D.C., as a United States senator. It’s often meant I had to work even harder to be the kind of husband and father I want to be.
But for the past seven and a half years, that commute has been reduced to 45 seconds—the time it takes to walk from my living room to the Oval Office. As a result, I’ve been able to spend a lot more time watching my daughters grow up into smart, funny, kind, wonderful young women.
That isn’t always easy, either—watching them prepare to leave the nest. But one thing that makes me optimistic for them is that this is an extraordinary time to be a woman. The progress we’ve made in the past 100 years, 50 years, and, yes, even the past eight years has made life significantly better for my daughters than it was for my grandmothers. And I say that not just as President but also as a feminist.
In my lifetime we’ve gone from a job market that basically confined women to a handful of often poorly paid positions to a moment when women not only make up roughly half the workforce but are leading in every sector, from sports to space, from Hollywood to the Supreme Court. I’ve witnessed how women have won the freedom to make your own choices about how you’ll live your lives—about your bodies, your educations, your careers, your finances. Gone are the days when you needed a husband to get a credit card. In fact, more women than ever, married or single, are financially independent.
So we shouldn’t downplay how far we’ve come. That would do a disservice to all those who spent their lives fighting for justice. At the same time, there’s still a lot of work we need to do to improve the prospects of women and girls here and around the world. And while I’ll keep working on good policies—from equal pay for equal work to protecting reproductive rights—there are some changes that have nothing to do with passing new laws.
I don’t wear sexy clothes. I don’t wear makeup. I don’t shave — anything. None of that stopped me from getting sexually assaulted, catcalled, harassed, and stalked. I have suffered because men are sexually attracted to me, and no choice I make will stop this. Refusing to conform to the norms of sexual attractiveness does not stop it. Binding my breasts does not stop it. Being read as gay does not stop it.
If I’m going to be harassed no matter what, why not look good for the people who are respectful and who I might actually want to fuck?
I have spent a long time blaming myself for the harassment I’ve received, and every time that happens, I cut out another part of myself. I stop wearing things that I think I look good in so that I don’t accidentally turn people on. I stop flirting with people, I stop casually affectionate touch in case it is misread. I even stopped consciously recognizing my own sexual desire in case I accidentally communicated it to other people.
Your continued affection makes me uncomfortable. It’s the same feeling as when someone I’m not into holds me in a hug too long, or someone I don’t like enough grabs my boob as a joke. It’s a creepy sort of feeling. I don’t look down on you or think of you as a bad person or a fool, but continued conversation with you makes me feel violated in a small way. And it’s ok, I’m willing to tolerate it if it helps you, but your love does not feel good to me and you should know that.
I told someone I was willing to tolerate feeling violated so that they could feel better. And, that’s how I used to look at the word. I felt obligated to suffer to any degree so that male sexuality would not be inconvenienced. I carried immense guilt for men who were attracted to me and whose attractions I did not return. But, my sexuality completely shut down, and I was left unable to form romantic connections to anyone. Being unsexy led to a miserable, sterile dead end.
Because women are fucking horny! Because there are few socially acceptable outlets for women to communicate desire, but how they dress is one of them. Because women are looking to get fucked, just like men are.
Some things never change but sex isn’t one of them. Marcus Field looks back on some surprising episodes in the centuries-long evolution of Western sexual attitudes, from the ancient Greeks to the present day
Aphrodisiac, eroticism, homosexuality, narcissism, nymphomania, pederasty all these terms are derived from the language of ancient Greece which tells you something about its society. The myths of Homer and Plutarch told stories such as that of Aphrodite, goddess of sexual intercourse, who emerged from the foaming semen of her father’s castrated testicles. Then there were the mortal heroes such as Hercules, who it is said ravished 50 virgins in a single night, but who also had an affair with his nephew Iolaus and fell in love with “sweet Hylas, he of the curling locks”.
From the early 6th century to the early 4th century, the culture of pederasty flourished in Athens, with adult men taking adolescent boys to serve as their lovers (although how much physical sex actually happened is a matter of some debate). Women in ancient Greece were generally the property of men and rarely enjoyed the exalted status of the young homosexual partner. But we know that there was a strong culture of female prostitution, with the most successful courtesans often wielding power and wealth and with brothels paying a state tax on their profits. Neglected wives found ways to satisfy their desires. Lesbians (called tribades) certainly existed, and the culture is associated most particularly with the island of Lesbos “where burning Sappho loved and sung”. There are also plenty of literary references to the use of dildos, which in ancient Greece were made of padded leather and anointed with olive oil before use.
In Rome, as elsewhere in the ancient world, wives and children belonged to the man of the family. A woman caught in the act of adultery could be killed by her husband on the spot, while a wife who drank more than a moderate amount of wine gave grounds for divorce. Despite this, the orgiastic culture of legend certainly existed during the Bacchanalian festivals, when all restraint was abandoned. Such was the hedonism and lawlessness of these rites, with rampant couplings of both heterosexual and homosexual nature, that public worship of Bacchus was finally outlawed in 186 BCE. Prostitution was widespread and legal, and the Greek tradition of pederasty was significant enough to cause concern when the Roman birth rate dropped. Much attention was given to the development of contraception.
Pliny recommended “mouse dung applied in the form of a liniment” or pigeon droppings mixed with oil and wine. Much more successful was the method devised by the gynaecologist Soranus of Ephesus who suggested a wool plug for the uterus impregnated with gummy substances. However, it is more likely that outbreaks of plague and disease led to the catastrophic fall in the population of the Roman empire than the success of primitive contraception.
The idea of sexuality has been widely established as a spectrum. According to a majority of people, everyone is a little bit gay or straight or whatever. Some people even pull the “who needs labels in the first place” card. The answer to that is, well, a lot of people. Labels are important to a lot of people to properly establish who they feel they are. But those labels can change.
I’ve talked before about how I identify as asexual. I came out as a biromantic asexual on Facebook to my friends and family not long ago. But now I’m even beginning to question that. I’m starting to think there isn’t a label for me.
And I am a person who needs a label. When I was told by a psychiatrist that I had bipolar disorder, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. I needed that label. I needed to establish my identity. And when he saw how badly I needed it, he gave me that.
The concept of my sexuality is a much different thing than my mental affliction, but I’ve dealt with the same thing regarding labels. The mental illness thing was easy to pinpoint. My label as far as who I am in regards to who I’m attracted to, not so much.
I came out a bisexual when I was thirteen. My parents were very accepting of me and said they would support me no matter who I would eventually bring home, but they didn’t take it seriously. For years I had to defend to my mother that it wasn’t a phase and that I wasn’t going to go “one way or another” when I eventually settled down. I don’t blame her for it at all, she just used to not fully understand how bisexuality worked.
No matter where you identify across the gender spectrum, conscious connection with divine feminine energy can be a powerful practice in love and sex. This can be as simple as imagining yourself with goddess-like qualities, invoking the deity herself in loving ritual, or even engaging in full-on role-play with your partner. If the natural order of magic is love…the natural order of love is magic. Your inner goddess is waiting to be freed…so choose your energy wisely!
Which Goddess do you identify with? This can change from day to day, depending on your mood. For myself, there is one multi-dimensional goddess in particular that helps in all occasions. What matters most is how you feel, so find what’s right for you.
Here are a few ancient archetypes that might get your imagination going…but keep in mind: these are only four of thousands of options.
One of the most popular of the ancient love deities, Aphrodite is the Greek goddess of love, beauty, pleasure and sex. The Romans knew her as Venus. Worshippers invoked her for all things seduction. Fine art depicting Aphrodite’s famous curves is everywhere. Even the word “aphrodisiac” was derived from her name. It’s safe to say that Aphrodite is the O.G. of all things love.
Element: Water / Colors: Pink, Red, Gold, Seafoam Green / Mineral: Rose Quartz / Aphrodisiacs: Pomegranates, Chocolate, Roses, Perfume
Sex is, at times, depicted as a sure path to unwanted pregnancy, STIs, and hellfire.
At the other end of the spectrum, sex is portrayed as the core motivation for all human pursuits, selling everything from cologne to makeup to magical weight loss yogurt, because it’s that amazing and vital!
The reality of sex is that some people have it, some people don’t, some people have lots of it, some people have little of it, and life doesn’t revolve around avoiding it or chasing it.
The reality is that there is no such thing as a “normal” sex life, even though sex in and of itself is a normal part of life.
All that being said, it probably doesn’t deserve nearly the amount of attention it gets from all of us.
And I’m including feminists in that “all of us” because both here at Everyday Feminism and out there in the broader feminist world, we talk about sex a lot.
And rightly so! There are plenty of questions to be asked about what most of us have been conditioned to believe is normal or right when it comes to sex.
And some of the assumptions we should challenge are that sex is necessarily a part of a healthy, socially acceptable, and liberated life.
In other words, the pressure that we get from the outside world to pursue the idea of sex can be as damaging to our culture and self-esteem as the shame many women receive for being sexual on their own terms.
It’s a damned if you do it, damned if you don’t situation.
And folks who aren’t having sex or don’t want to – be they asexual, abstinent, low libido, triggered by sex, medically unable, and so on – may find themselves alienated by the ways sex gets inadvertently (or purposefully) pushed down our throats.
Peer pressure, well-meaning doctors and therapists, spouses, this article (how many times have I used the word “sex” at this point?) – they can all send the message that having a sex life is always the healthy, sociable, regular thing to do.
But what if a person who is less than enthusiastic about sex pursues it only to fulfill a social expectation, only because they’ve been perversely sexualized from a young age, or only because they view being sexual as central to their own self-worth and self-identity?
Not great.
In fact, any time our culture imposes a “should” on us – women should be adventurous to “keep” their men, men should be virulent, we should not die virgins, all romantic relationships should also be sexual – there’s a problem.
There is no obligation ever to have sex for any reason.
Not when you’re 15 and think everyone else is doing it (they’re not), not when you’re 21 and think everyone else is doing it (they’re not), and not when you’re 45 and think everyone else has done it (they haven’t).
My point here is that regardless of a person’s sexual orientation or lack thereof, sex isn’t about anyone else’s expectations. There doesn’t have to be shame around being uninterested, celibate, or emotionally unprepared for sex at any age.
That’s because sex is not a spectator sport (unless that’s what you’re into). It’s about the pleasure, desire, and experience of the people having the sex, not the prevailing assumptions of the people around them.
The same goes for people who deny others sexual orientations based on what kind of sex they’ve had.
No, lesbians and gay men don’t have to sample the opposite sex to know their orientation, nor do they have to have sex at all. The “how can you know unless you’ve tried” line of reasoning is like casting the first stone – only the person who’s tried it all is allowed to say it to anyone.
The other thing about sex is that it’s not everyone’s cup of tea.
Some people may find it pretty neat, but otherwise not see what the big fuss is about. Others are completely uninterested. And though there are those whose lack of interest comes from trauma or medical issues, they aren’t the only people who aren’t into sex.
I distinctly remember that after going through sex education as an adolescent, I walked away with the assumption that every person who crossed over to the other side of puberty experienced sexual attraction.
So if I’d have heard about someone who said “meh” to sex, my assumption also would have been that there was something medically or mentally wrong with them. And if that medical or mental problem were fixed, sexual desire would return.
The problem with that line of thinking is that it pathologizes a low or nonexistent desire for sex, even one with no apparent cause. And it paints the picture of the sexually interested person as necessarily more healthy and whole.
Though sex can definitely be part of wellness for someone who is sexual, the insinuation that those who want it less are missing a fundamental part of their humanity can be problematic.
It’s really not that big of a deal.
As wrapped up as the media and advertisers are with sex, it isn’t central to what makes people worthwhile, attractive, and interesting human beings.
We need to reject the idea of sex, which dictates that Hollywood actresses are overly airbrushed and barely employable once they’re past a certain age. The idea of sex is obsessed with youth, the male gaze, a lack of agency, a link between a person’s value and how much they are valued as sexual objects.
In reality, our worth as human beings is related to things much bigger than our sexualities. It’s a part of us, but it’s not as much of us as we sometimes believe.
So it’s all right to not give a damn about being sexual on someone else’s schedule. Or ever.
Having sex is not obligatory, nor does it lead to the ultimate state of bliss. It’s neither as ideal nor as demonic as some would have you believe.
There also isn’t one way to experience it.
Not everyone is as capable of orgasm or sexual attraction as the next person, and that’s okay.
There is no one way to experience sexuality, and attempts to shame or stigmatize people for a lack of sex or attraction, even indirectly, are fraught with assumptions about how things “should” be.
Curated by Erbe
Original Article
The first time I had sex I was intoxicated. Same thing the second time. And the third. I wasn’t up for any kind of intimacy or real connection with myself or my partners.
Plus, it seemed that most people I knew were having checked out sex. I was high, drunk, or emotionally shut down during most sexual interactions until I was in my late 20s.
Then I started a spiritual practice which involved daily meditation.
This radically changed my relationship with myself. I found that as I practiced focusing on thoughts and emotional sensations without judgment, my reactions and behaviors began to change. The more I sat still with my body and my mind, the more I wanted to be present in all things, even my sex life.
I started down the path of sober and mindful sex.
When I began having sober sex my world was turned upside down and inside out. I could feel so much more sensation in my body, so much more pleasure! I had a much greater intimacy with my partners. It felt like we were there together, rather than each on our own pumping away.
I went from checked out and stuck in my mind to fully present and grounded in my body during sex.
As I healed my sexual wounds and deepened my meditation practice, my sex life bloomed in beautiful ways. But it wasn’t just my sex life that transformed, my whole life underwent a major emotional and spiritual renovation.
My friends and family noticed the change in me and started asking what I was doing. I began to teach and coach in a casual way, but soon my teachers asked me to start teaching formally.
I began by offering lessons on mindfulness and spiritual awakening, but not long after that I incorporated mindful sex coaching. Lucky me, I got to combine two of my favorite things, meditation and sex!
If you told me 10 years ago that I would be teaching other people to have mindful and conscious sex, I would have laughed out loud. But the transformation that occurred for me when I brought my mindfulness practice into sex was just too good not to share. Now one of my greatest passions is to help others do the same.
One of my top suggestions for people new to mindful sex is to put the drugs and booze down while nurturing this new way of connecting sexually. Having a few martinis or a joint might make you feel randy or help you to relax; but, ultimately, being intoxicated will limit your ability to be present with your partner.
Sex just isn’t as good when you are cut off from your body and your full mental capacity. You lose the opportunity to deeply and intimately connect with your partner. Even wild, kinky, or multi-orgasmic sex will lose its luster and become rote if it continues to be exclusively unconnected.
It’s also much easier to have unprotected sex, or hook up with someone you later wish you hadn’t while intoxicated. When I’m working with a client who is single and dating, I always suggest that they stay sober for first dates and when having sex for the first time.
Our culture is all about “going for drinks,” which, if the date is going well, can lead to drunken sex and possible regrets. It’s a radical act to date without getting tipsy.
Without the social lubrication of alcohol, you are available to be truly present with this other person. While this might be uncomfortable at first, it will also be more real.
There will be no drunken (or even buzzed) filter, so you’ll get a chance to find out who this person really is, and if you want to get to know them better.
I’m not saying that it’s necessary to have sober sex all the time. It’s totally possible to have amazing and connected sex without being sober. But if you are like I was, rarely sober during sex, it’s well worth trying it out.
You may find that a lot of emotions and even old traumas resurface when you have sex without the aid of libations.
When I started having sober sex I also had to face the reasons why I needed to be intoxicated in the first place. There was a lot of shame, trauma and grief to work through, and it wasn’t always easy. It’s hard to sit with those old, painful feelings.
The good news is if you truly face your past pain without resistance and with lots of love, you can transform. Working through the traumas of my past allowed me to open myself up to life on a whole new level. As those old layers fell away, my sexuality blossomed like never before.
Whether you are working with trauma or not, it’s a good idea to have lots of support as you venture into sober sex. A meditation practice, trusted friends, and therapy were very helpful for me.
If drugs and alcohol are a problem for you in general, you might want to check out a 12-Step meeting or some other form of addiction recovery support.
It’s also great to have partners that are willing to try some sober sex with you. You can treat it like an adventure, albeit a sometimes hilarious and awkward adventure.
At the very least, try writing your feelings about sex down in a journal. It can be your sex diary! Try writing a few pages, stream of consciousness, every day.
If you are feeling nervous about the prospect of sober dating and sex, don’t fear. You are a human and it’s totally normal to have some butterflies in your stomach before a date or a first sexual interaction. The truth is the nerves are part of the fun! If you let go of the fearful thoughts and instead feel into the sensations in your body, those butterflies might start to feel good.
Sometimes anxiety is just excitement with a different name. Numbing out with alcohol or drugs keeps you from feeling all the subtle information your body is giving you. Our bodies have so much capacity for pleasure if we only drop in and feel it.
Embodied sex is good sex. The more you get to know your body, the more it will offer you. As you become more mindful of your body and more grounded in the present moment, you will begin to awaken sexually. Once you find out how great mindful sex can be, you’ll wonder how you ever did it any other way.
Sober doesn’t necessarily equal mindful, but it is a first step toward priming yourself for the best sex of your life. As you become more comfortable being fully present during sex you can start bringing good old mindfulness into the equation. Then you will start to experience the utter mind-blowing joy of sex.
The cool thing about sex, and life in general, is that the possibilities are endless. Having sober sex, even some of the time, opens you up to a whole new world of pleasure and intimacy.
I offer you the challenge of having sober sex for the next month. If you are dating, try sober dating for the next month too. Give yourself the chance to have a new experience. You just might like it.
Inspired? Here’s an article to learn more about improving your sex life with meditation.
Last night I was sitting at a bar with a friend getting drinks. I saw a hot guy across the bar drinking a Coors Banquet, eating chips and salsa, watching the game on TV. He looked completely uninterested in everything going on around him, as he sat there alone, never looking away from what was right in front of him.
“The man in the baseball hat across from us is so hot,” I said to my friend.
“Yeah, he really is. Just by the looks of him though, I bet he wouldn’t go down on a girl in bed, he’d just expect you to do all the work,” she said.
She probably wasn’t wrong, but we’ll never know if the man at the bar drinking a Coors Banquet could please a woman the way she wants to be pleased.
1. “I appreciate a guy that tends to my needs first before he *expects* me to put his dick in my mouth. It shows he cares a little more for me than just the sex and that he also cares about making me feel good in bed.” – Jess, 24
2. “When the guy actually wants me to orgasm and is turned on by it rather than just focusing on himself getting off. That is not enjoyable and it doesn’t make me want to continue to have sex with him when he’s only focused on himself.” – Lacey, 23
3. “When you can openly say what you like and they actually listen to you, instead just assuming I like what they’re doing, especially when it’s in the moment. It makes the connection better and it’s way more fun for both of us.” – Sara, 28
4. ‘“I appreciate when a man communicates in bed. Silent sex is boring and awkward. I want to know that your world is being rocked, what you want more or less of, how good it all feels or asking me to ride you harder or who my pussy belongs to. That’s the kind of stuff that turns me on and makes it WAY more enjoyable.” – Catrina, 27
5. “Open, honest, raw and real communication about wants, needs and desires without judgement.” – Julia, 36
6. “The warmth that radiates from their body.” – Macy, 26
7. “His voice when he cherishes me.” – Emily, 30
8. “I appreciate when a man acknowledges other parts of my body than just my tits and ass. I know he’s enjoying my ass when he’s grabbing it but it would be nice to be reminded that he also thinks I’m beautiful or that he likes my eyes. It makes me feel like less of a just a body for him to fuck and more like he appreciates me.” – Kaitlyn, 33
9. “FOREPLAY! I get that he can go from 0 to 100 real quick, but like, I don’t. I appreciate when a man is gentle and slow, instead of just trying to do it quickly (unless that is what we’re going for). I want foreplay, it makes everything feel better and makes me so much more into the sex.” – Bella, 26
10. “I appreciate when a man takes control. I am strong and independent as hell, but the bedroom is the one and only place I want to be dominated by a man. I want him to be rough, to a healthy extent, and take control. That is so hot to me and such a turn on.” – Nicole, 34
11. “A man who makes sure I also cum! I’m sick of dudes cumming then just flopping down beside me all out of breath. Like that’s awesome he just got a load off, but he better not think he’s done without making sure I’m taken care of. Not how it works, buddy.” – Rachel, 23
12. “I appreciate a man who is willing to try new things with me in bed. Routine is boring, even in the bedroom. Doing missionary then finishing doggy style gets old REAL quick. I want some excitement and I appreciate a man who is also into switching things up and experimenting in the bedroom.” – Cheryl, 41
13. “His praise telling me he likes what I’m doing. I enjoy giving him head but only when he communicates to me that he likes what I’m doing. It makes me feel really good and I appreciate his words of affirmation.” – Kylie, 25
14. “When a man is aggressive with me, but only after we’ve communicated what we’d like to do to each other and are on the same page. It allows me to feel more comfortable with him and myself in bed.” – Michaela, 29
15. “A guy who takes things slow and makes me feel special, when he kisses down my neck, whispers in my ear, tells me that I’m beautiful. Those things all make me feel so appreciated and confirms that I’m not just someone he wants to fuck but actually cares about. Sometimes it’s so easy to feel worthless in bed and like I don’t matter so when he does little things like that it shows me he really cares.” – Brooke, 24
16. “When he stays and cuddles after! There is no worse feeling than when a guy comes over, has sex with you and leaves. When he stays and I know he enjoys spending time with me after it makes me feel so loved and cared for.” – Suzy, 23
May this information empower you to new and exciting adventures!
For more ways to please women, check out: Tongue-Tied During Sex? Here’s the Sexy Talk Women Want to Hear.
My husband and I have known each other for about 15 years and are polyamorous. But we didn’t start out that way. We opened our marriage up about 5 years ago and it has been a journey of self-discovery for both of us.
It’s also been a journey into a more sex positive philosophy for me. Sex-positivity is a philosophy of human sexuality that regards all consensual sexual activities as healthy and pleasurable, encouraging sexual pleasure and experimentation rather than shaming it.
I grew up in a small town in a conservative state. I also grew up watching “The Princess Bride” and “The Little Mermaid” so my ideas of love and romance (and sex when I grew older) were rooted in tradition. When I got married at 25 I was proud of the fact that I had only slept with two guys. It pains me to write this now but I thought that made me better than women who had “slept around.”
I look back on that and realize how archaic that is. I can also trace that attitude to what I now consider to misogynistic ideas of females and even rape culture. “Good girls don’t show a lot of skin” and “good girls don’t sleep with lots of guys.” Who is deciding what number constitutes “lots” anyway?
As I approached 30, I began reading some pretty salacious books thanks to ereaders and the proliferation of erotic romance. Without fully acknowledging it, I started to wonder if I had missed out on something having dated so little.
I truly was happy with my marriage or didn’t wish I’d ended up somewhere different. But I did start to wish I’d had more varied experiences along the way to my happy marriage. This is one of the reasons poly was a good fit for my husband and me.
Also, check out LOVE TV’s A Beginner’s Guide To Ethical Non Monogamous Relationships.
My first dating experience as a married woman was with a friend. It took me six months to admit to myself that I felt something for him and another 3 months to really do anything about it. But once I realized that the feeling wasn’t one-sided, the flood gates opened.
I threw myself into that relationship with abandon, knowing that it would end someday and that ending might be difficult. But I didn’t care. I’d spent so much time second guessing myself that it felt amazing to let go.
Once I got married I never thought I’d have sex with another man. I never thought to grow close with another man. I never thought I’d make French toast naked in someone else’s kitchen after a leisurely morning of sex. That relationship did end but I am grateful for all i learned from it.
All of this was a whole new world for me. For someone who never broke the rules, I was breaking lots of them and having crazy (for me) amounts of fun.
If this was so much fun, what other amazing experiences had I missed out on? Everyone else complained about dating. Even knowing that, I wanted to know what that experience was like. I wanted firsthand experience with the highs and lows of dating.
They say variety is the spice of life and I am only beginning to experience that variety. What else can I experience that will help me learn about the world? What can relationships with others help me learn? And what I can learn about myself in the process? I am excited about the possibilities.
Is this what they meant by “The world is your oyster?”
I didn’t set out to find a casual sex partner but that’s what I did. Through online dating I met a man who was fun, smart, and pushed me into new experiences just enough. And although I wasn’t ready to open up with all my desires, he taught me new things and new a surprising amount about my body considering how long we hadn’t known each other. Casual sex? Check.
I vacationed in Europe one summer, most of it with my husband. I did however have a few nights on my own. I set a goal for myself to have a one night stand. It would be fun to sleep with a sexy European.
Thanks to the wonders of Tinder, I achieved my goal. After talking to a man for a few hours, I agreed to meet him. We went to a bar not far away and after a few drinks, I asked him if he wanted to come back to my room. I hope we didn’t bother the neighbors too much! It was fun and exactly what I wanted, only better. One night stand? Check. Affair (albeit short) with a sexy Italian guy? Check.
I still have moments where I judge myself for my wants and desires. And I fear the judgement of others. But I know that’s the “Good Girl” talking and I have learned a lot about the world that she was never taught.
Being sex positive isn’t always easy for me. But I have close friends I can confide in and it helps to hear that they too have similar feelings and work to overcome them.
I have moments when I regret that my world didn’t get bigger until my 30s. I said as much to one of my lovers. He told me he thought of it as “waiting until we could fully appreciate and learn from new experiences, and be mature enough have those experiences safely.”
That statement has really stuck with me. Would I have appreciated all the world has to offer in my 20’s? Would I have been responsible with these new experiences? It’s easy to regret not finding all this out when I was younger but regret is a waste of time. And I am all about maximizing my time and sucking the marrow out of life.
If you’re thinking about opening up your marriage or exploring new adventures in your marriage, become a full member of LOVE TV and talk with love gurus and relationship experts about your love and your life.
At six weeks after the birth of my child my doctor gave me the green light for sex. Six months after that I still found myself creating excuses to avoid the bedroom. As a new mother, I was completely drained of mental and emotional resources, with nothing left to give my partner at the end of the day.
However, even after I regained some semblance of my normal sleep schedule and my life returned to what I considered normal, one thing never returned: my libido.
It turns out, I’m not alone. While my experience was related to the birth of a child, most people experience regular ups and downs when it comes to sexual desire. A loss of libido will happen to most people at least once throughout their lives.
If you need some extra help with your relationships, cut through all of the noise by joining LOVE TV today.
Here are some natural ways you can handle it:
Rose oil is said to be incredibly calming and can help reduce anxiety levels which may be contributing to your lack of sex drive.
Throughout the history of aromatherapy, roses have shown up as an aphrodisiac. In fact, in ancient Roman times, men would sprinkle these flower petals on the beds of new brides to prepare them for their wedding nights.
However, rose is more expensive than other essential oils. To use this remedy without breaking the bank, buy a small bottle of a pre-made essential oil blend including it. Dab this mixture on the inside of your wrists and/or the backs of your ears before a date or before getting in bed.
A good foot rub can be excellent foreplay. It can also help regulate hormone levels that may be wreaking havoc on your sex drive.
According to some holistic practitioners, pressing specific points on the feet may help stimulate the hypothalamus, pituitary gland and ovaries, all of which contribute to the hormonal aspect of desire.
To find the correct points, make an appointment with a local reflexologist who can give you and your partner a quick lesson on which parts of the foot correspond to which body systems. For those who prefer a more DIY approach, a quick internet search should do the trick.
Two major reasons for loss of libido are distraction and stress, both of which are in high supply in modern American life.
The good news is that meditation may help focus your thoughts on the present and alleviate anxiety.
To start, find five to fifteen minutes in a day when you can sit in a comfortable, quiet space. Noise cancelling headphones or relaxing meditation soundtracks are a good option for those in loud environments. As you’re sitting, breath in and out deeply and slowly, focusing on each breathe.
A mantra can also be helpful. For example, say something that makes you feel empowered and confident like, “I am beautiful” or “I love myself.” Repeat the mantra as you exhale.
Once you feel relaxed and focused, spend time paying attention to your body. Mentally check in with each part of yourself starting from your head, moving to your toes. Examine what hurts and what feels good. This can help you reconnect with your physical self, despite any changes that may occur from weight change, pregnancy, or exercise.
After meditation, many people find themselves calm and focused, which is a good time to ask your partner if he or she would like to play.
As a long-time runner, I know just how important exercise is for mental and emotional health. After all, endorphin output increases when your heart rate does. These feel-good hormones can help increase sex drive and, according to Mayo Clinic, decrease symptoms of depression (which can include a loss of libido).
If you think depression may be the reason for your decreased sex drive, check in with your doctor right away.
In the meantime, you can start integrating tiny workouts into your daily routine no matter how busy you are. For example, I didn’t have time to run after becoming a new mom so I started walking up the stairs to my apartment rather than taking an elevator.
Instead of bouncing my little one to calm him down, I did squats while holding him. Thankfully, YouTube has dozens of 15 minute workouts so even the most time-crunched people can squeeze in a fitness session. My favorites include any short session from the free Fitness Blender series.
From a less scientific perspective, body jewelry and lingerie can help you feel good about yourself, just like exercise. African waist beads are one alternative to traditional lingerie that may help women feel sexy. For >$15 – $20 a set, these are also much more affordable than a fancy neglige.
These beaded strings are worn around the waist and some sets have clay or porous beads that allow wearers to add scents – like rose essential oil – to increase appeal. In some cultures, these are used to signal when a woman is fertile or turned on. She might don her beads when she’s trying to attract her partner or gently rattle them to signal that she’s “in the mood”.
These might also help increase the drive of her partner as he or she learns to associate the sound or sight of the beads with arousal, turning it into a Pavlov’s dogs situation, but for sex instead of food.
I found these incredibly helpful as I didn’t always have the confidence to tell my partner when I was ready to romp around. Instead, I could use these beads as a signal, while also feeling sexy.
No matter which of these methods works for you, communication with your partner is always a top priority when it comes to sex and desire. Share your feelings and needs as they continue to change so both sides feel satisfied and included in the conversation.
