My Sex Education

My sister and I were brought up up almost entirely by my Mom, until we were pre-teens. My Mom was a lovely affectionate woman, but she was so perfect that neither of us felt that we could talk to her about things that bothered us.

Sex did not exist in our household. We sometimes wondered how we came to be!

My Dad was a career Naval Officer, he was a vet who had enlisted at 16, and was rarely home, even in peacetime. He left the Navy after 25 years service, and my parents promptly discovered that they couldn’t live together. My sister and I were sent off to a private (all-girl) Boarding school, and my Dad shipped out to a contract overseas.

I had been a real Daddy’s girl, and was devastated by what I felt was his abandonment. I had grown up without brothers, but I identified strongly with my Dad and had been a tomboy, so most of my friends were boys. My Dad had told me that there wasn’t anything a boy could do that I couldn’t, except pee standing up, and I even tried to do that!

Our Boarding School was quite religious and was very rigid, sex-ed class was very clinical, just about Biology, nothing about sexuality. We were not allowed out alone, and our only visitors were our parents. The only boys we saw were at church, or at choir practice, so when I started to think about boys, I felt as though it was a “bad’ thing to do. Any good feelings I had from boys, when I could get near any of the choir boys, were repressed.

My sister, who was 2 years older, did not have boy-friends. I thought it was weird to like boys, only the sluts at school were into boys. As I grew up in this atmosphere, boys became a totally unknown quantity. I forgot how easy it had been before around my Dad, and became shy and somewhat afraid of them.

After six years in this stifling atmosphere I graduated at 17, and went back to live with my mother and sister. I went to College, and also worked part-time for my Mom. She was the manager and book-keeper of a private club, and I went to work as the DJ. Because I was underage I couldn’t drink, or interact with anyone so I just spun the records and I started to re-discover my ease with the opposite sex.

At the club, as a really naive 17 year old, I was at first unaware of the waiters flirting with me, until one called me a “Baby” and dared me to go to a movie with him. He was about 24, and quite cute (he was Spanish, with beautiful brown eyes and a shy smile, and just the right kind of charm). I picked up the challenge, and met him on a day off. He was waiting for me with a long-stemmed red rose, I was smitten.

The date went great until he asked me back to his place, which was a one-room apartment. The only place to sit was on the bed, and after a couple of glasses of “Orange juice” (spiked with vodka)I was dizzy, and curious, and we were making out. Without going into detail, let’s just say that the inevitable happened, and I ended up a pregnant teenager.

Lack of knowledge, lack of street-smarts, call it whatever you like. I call it lack of preparedness for the real world, caused me great emotional and physical harm. I was almost schizoid about it, planning to go to Canada, and throw myself on my Dad’s mercy. I couldn’t tell Mom, I thought she would disown me! Outwardly nothing changed, I continued to go to College as though nothing was going on.

One Friday afternoon in class, I started to miscarry. My friend Gina told me that I was going very pale then flushing, and looked like I was going to pass out. At 12 weeks, I went into a type of labor and miscarried, alone, in a toilet.

I travelled home on the underground, wearing a ton of pads, and, after making excuses to my family, had a long hot bath and went to bed. I didn’t go to a doctor, I didn’t even know that I should. I was so ashamed of myself that I told no-one. The next day, being a strong healthy 17 year old I went out with Gina, and vowed to forget all about it.

I grew up too fast after that. I became one of the “bad” girls, got on the pill, and for a few years became the kind of girl my old self abhorred.

When my sister became pregnant., I was 21, and moved out. I could not stand to be around as my Mom became the perfect understanding grandmother-to-be, and took care of my sister.

When I eventually did tell her, my mother was horrified that I had not told her at the time, and that I had never had proper medical care. She told me she would have taken care of me, after she had dragged the Spanish waiter off to the cops! She had often wondered why he kept asking her about me.

I was lucky, I had no lasting physical damage and though I had the kind of problems that most girls with absent fathers have, attracted to older men, and continuing to have relationship problems through my 20’s. I did marry in my 30’s and had two wonderful children, who know all about me, and have always been able to ask me ANYTHING!

One thing I discovered was that it is rarely “bad” girls who land up with unintentional pregnancies, they are far too savvy for that. It is the innocent and naive who become victims of sexual predators. Knowledge is armor, without it young girls are essentially defenseless.

If you plan on becoming a parent please remember that it is your duty to equip your children for life, knowledge about sex and sexuality is as essential for survival, as a good education, good food, and a warm safe home.

Changing Sexual Genders with All Eyes On You

Speaking publicly for the first time since completing gender transition, Caitlyn Jenner compares her emotional two-day photo shoot with Annie Leibovitz for the July cover of Vanity Fair to winning the gold medal for the decathlon at the 1976 Olympics. She tells Pulitzer Prize–winning V.F.contributing editor and author of Friday Night Lights Buzz Bissinger, “That was a good day, but the last couple of days were better. . . . This shoot was about my life and who I am as a person. It’s not about the fanfare, it’s not about people cheering in the stadium, it’s not about going down the street and everybody giving you ‘that a boy, Bruce,’ pat on the back, O.K. This is about your life.”

Jenner tells Bissinger about how she suffered a panic attack the day after undergoing 10-hour facial-feminization surgery on March 15—a procedure she believed would take 5 hours. (Bissinger reveals that Jenner has not had genital surgery.) She recalls thinking, “What did I just do? What did I just do to myself?” A counselor from the Los Angeles Gender Center came to the house so Jenner could talk to a professional, and assured her that such reactions were often induced by pain medication, and that second-guessing was human and temporary.

Jenner tells Bissinger the thought has since passed and not come back: “If I was lying on my deathbed and I had kept this secret and never ever did anything about it, I would be lying there saying, ‘You just blew your entire life. You never dealt with yourself,’ and I don’t want that to happen.”

Bissinger spent hundreds of hours with the man the world knew as Bruce Jenner over a period of three months, and then countless hours with Caitlyn, also attending the photo shoot with Leibovitz at Jenner’s Malibu home.

Bissinger apologizes to Jenner for repeated pronoun confusion and asks whether she is sensitive about it. “I don’t really get hung up,” she tells him. “A guy came in the other day and I was fully dressed—it’s just habit, I said, ‘Hi, Bruce here,’ and I went, Oh fuck, it ain’t Bruce, I was screwing up doing it.”

Bissinger speaks extensively with Jenner’s four children from his first two marriages—Burt, 36, and Cassandra, 34, with first wife Chrystie, and Brandon, 33, and Brody, 31, with second wife Linda—and describes an insensitive father who had been absent for years at a time. Jenner openly acknowledges mistakes made with them as Bruce, and expresses genuine regret. Says Burt, “I have high hopes that Caitlyn is a better person than Bruce. I’m very much looking forward to that.”

For the Jenner children, the issue of the transition has become a non-issue. They were already aware of their father’s identity as a woman when he told them individually about the transition—Burt and Cassandra had learned from their mother roughly 20 years earlier, when they were 13 and 11; Brandon had assumed it because of the obvious physical changes he had observed; and Brody was told by his mother when he was 29. They tell Bissinger they feel both happiness for their father and inspiration at Jenner’s bravery, and they all still see their dad as their dad regardless of any gender label. Brandon said he was a little taken aback when he saw Caitlyn for the first time after surgery and she pulled her top up to reveal her new breasts. “Whoa, I’m still your son,” he reminded her.

As part of the transition, Jenner started hosting small gatherings called “girls’ nights” with wine and food where Jenner could dress as desired and feel natural in the presence of women, and it was there that her daughter Cassandra met Caitlyn for the first time. “I was just nervous that I wouldn’t make her feel comfortable,” Cassandra tells Bissinger. “I was worried I wouldn’t say the right things or act the right way or seem relaxed.” But almost all of it melted away when she got there. “We talked more than we ever have. We could just be girls together.”

Despite the renewed relationship with their father, the Jenner children have refused to participate in Caitlyn’s docu-series for the E! network, set to debut this summer, forgoing financial gain in favor of preserving their father’s legacy. Initially, Caitlyn was “terribly disappointed and terribly hurt,” but has come to accept their decision. For her part, Caitlyn is prepared for the criticism that it’s a publicity stunt: “‘Oh, she’s doing a stupid reality show. She’s doing it for the money. She’s doing this, she’s doing that.’ I’m not doing it for money. I’m doing it to help my soul and help other people. If I can make a dollar, I certainly am not stupid. [I have] house payments and all that kind of stuff. I will never make an excuse for something like that. Yeah, this is a business. You don’t go out and change your gender for a television show. O.K., it ain’t happening. I don’t care who you are.”


Jenner tells Bissinger that since the Diane Sawyer interview aired “it’s exciting to go to the mailbox, because I get letters every day from all of these people from all over the world.” One of them was addressed “Bruce Jenner, Malibu, California,” as if she had become her own country.

Bissinger writes that Caitlyn seems happy and relaxed, with a sense of purpose and confidence. She can’t wait when she goes out now to tell the paparazzi to “make sure it’s a good shot,” instead of asking patrons to help shield her from them in the parking lot of the local Starbucks. She looks forward to more girls’ nights “where everybody is treating you the same way. You can talk about anything you want to talk about. You can talk about outfits. You can talk about hair and makeup, anything you want. It becomes not a big deal.” She says that on the E! series she will focus on ways of lowering the rates of suicide and attempted suicide in the transgender community, among other issues.

Jenner tells Bissinger that Bruce was “always telling lies.” (She even describes doing public appearances after winning the gold medal, where “underneath my suit I have a bra and panty hose and this and that and thinking to myself, They know nothing about me. . . . Little did they know I was totally empty inside.”) Caitlyn, she says, “doesn’t have any lies.”

“I’m not doing this to be interesting. I’m doing this to live,” Jenner tells Bissinger. She then jokes, “I’m not doing this so I can hit it off the women’s tee,” but she does tell Bissinger that on her E! show she plans to do a segment in which she sees if she can still hit a golf ball 300 yards off the tee, even with her very ample breasts.

Also in the story, Bissinger speaks at length with Jenner’s three ex-wives (including Kris about what she knew and when she knew it); with Jenner’s 89-year-old mother, Esther, about the possible motives behind her son’s transition; and with Jenner about how she was moved by Monica Lewinsky’s TED talk, and how she reacted to the Diane Sawyer interview.


Curated by Karinna
Original Article

Is Your Man Giving Oral Sex His Best?

This writer has an interesting take on oral sex! 

I once dated a guy who refused to go down on me. “I just don’t like the way it tastes,” was his excuse. As if his dick tasted like an ice cream cone. I joke about it now, but at the time I didn’t find it very funny. My boyfriend’s aversion to oral sex made me newly insecure about that part of my body, and the few times I did convince him to go down on me, I was too in my own head to enjoy it, constantly worrying that he was grossed out or just doing it out of obligation. Friends I confided in at the time suggested I stop giving him blow jobs, to give him a taste of his own medicine. But since I enjoy giving pleasure, no BJs felt like double the punishment.

I realize that I’m being, shall we say, candid. But I find that it’s next to impossible to talk about sex without getting specific. And how else does one get what one wants out of sex than by talking about it? So I’ll go first: I don’t understand why so many men act like, by giving head, they’re doing you a favor. I half expect them to say “You’re welcome” afterward. I recently met a guy who, while flirting with me at a party, said, “Just so you know, I’m the kind of guy who cares about making a girl cum.” He then stared at me in anticipation, as if waiting for me to faint, or for celebratory balloons to fall from the ceiling. Not to mention that when you meet the rare guy who’s up for going down, he’s often remarkably bad at it. All that spitting and sucking and vagina slapping: What is going on there? To my knowledge, I don’t have an abnormally sensitive vagina, but if someone slaps it, or slurps at it like it’s a trough, any subsequent screaming will be out of pain, not pleasure. Oral sex isn’t rocket science, so why, if you’re a straight girl, is head so often either terrible or nonexistent?

It’s now widely discussed that, due to a lack of sex ed in school, young people are learning about sex from porn. Heterosexual porn scenes usually go something like this: Girl gets naked; girl shows off her body for a while; girl gives guy a blow job; girl and guy have intercourse; the end. Rarely in this scenario does the guy reciprocate oral sex. Well, porn imitates life imitates porn, as they say. Which means that, often, real-life sex doesn’t include head for the woman, either. Of course, there are exceptions. Some guys are very generous and adept in the oral department, and some porn does emphasize pleasure for the woman. But the fact is, almost all mainstream porn is made by men, for men, and it shows—the aim of the scenes is always to get the man off. As a result, in the real world, many girls and guys think that the aim of sex is to get the man off. And honestly, many of my hook-ups with men have felt driven by that singular goal. As someone who also sleeps with women, I feel I have a good counterpoint. My female partners have been unanimously more giving and considerate, and certainly more likely to give me head.

Cindy Gallop, the woman behind Make Love Not Porn, says she’s “pro-porn, pro-sex, and pro knowing the difference.” I completely agree with her. Don’t get me wrong: I love porn and watch it often—probably too often—but I also know that it’s artificial entertainment. Porn is great for many things, but learning how to genuinely please a woman is not one of them.

Top 5 Tips for Giving A Great BJ

Everyone has special skills, things we take considerable pride in doing exceptionally well.  Maybe you make the perfect margarita, or can parallel park perfectly on the first try every time.  Not me, those particular examples are personal weaknesses of mine.  I used to add too much tequila, and scrape my hubcaps against the curb nine times out of ten.  I’ve gotten better though, by taking the advice of friends who excel at these things, and practicing until I achieve a functioning level of confidence and comfort with both tasks.  I’m proud of my progress, and so appreciative of the help given to me along the way, that I figured it’s time to pay it forward by sharing a little of my own knowledge.  My area of expertise?  Oral sex.  Fellatio, to be specific.  If head quality was currency, I would be rich as hell, the Steve Jobs of blowjobs.  I really suck (much to the delight of my partners), and I want you to, too.  But from the feedback I’ve gotten, it seems as though a lot of you are shy and scared of doing it wrong, or badly.  So here’s a few basic tips I’ve compiled to help you swallow your hangups and go down like a champ.

1. Don’t Worry, Be Happy

First and foremost, understand that unless you bite (without it being specifically requested), you’re doing fine.  Push aside any nervous or self-conscious worries.  Now, I don’t personally know most of your partners, but I absolutely guarantee that if they were given the option of getting a imperfect blowjob or getting no blowjob at all, the choice made will always be to get some sort of blowjob, and really, any sort of blowjob.  You don’t need pro tactics to rock this party, because the mere act of placing your mouth on your partner’s genitals is, by nature, loving and incredibly intimate.  Head is a hug that you give with your mouth.  We all know the difference in getting sincerely embraced by someone who loves us, and the ol’ forced grab-squeeze-release of someone who’d rather not be bothered.  Try to focus on the pleasure you’re giving, not whatever hangups might be lurking (however, if your partner’s hygiene is the hangup, perhaps suggest a little bit of bathtime-for-two fun).  If the act itself turns you so far off that the affection motivating it isn’t conveyed, it won’t be fun for anyone involved.

Sexy woman with young lover closeup indoor portrait desire


2. Eye Contact

The right amount is essential.  A few short glances is hot, but an extended, unblinking gaze is creepy (sex is not a staring contest, unless that’s a specific fetish you’re exploring).  The right kind is also important.  This is the only time in my entire life that I will ever endorse the wisdom of Tyra Banks when I tell you to SMIZE.  Smile with your eyes as you look up.  Make eye contact, smile with your mouth (as best you can with something in it, doesn’t have to be your big birthday party/just got a raise at work/spiteful selfie smile), then get back to the task at hand.  By doing this, you’re sending a sweet message of “Hey Captain, I’m handling things below deck, so take a load off, stand on the bow and just enjoy the view!”.

A Practical Guide To Threesomes: And Lady Makes Three… 

The Menage a Trois: It’s said to be every man’s fantasy, and maybe it’s yours, too- but it can be intimidating.  Of course, there are many flavors of threesomes- I’m going to address the M-F-F scenario here, but there are some good tips for everyone.

Full disclosure: (Ooh! Sounds Sexy)

I’ve been both women in the threesome scenario.  I’ve been in the couple that invites another woman in, (the host), and I’ve been the visiting woman, the guest.

For many years I wondered what the motivation for the guest could be.   As a host, I’m having a sexy adventure with my partner that we can enjoy reliving together again and again, and she’s likely just having a one-night stand with us when she could be out having sex with single people.  Later, I had my first experience as a guest and found that the advantage of being the visitor is that you’re the dang superstar!  Being the guest is giving everyone that electric first kiss, helping a couple you’re attracted to have good sex, and hopefully having some yourself!

I know that there are sometimes three-ways where nobody is a couple, but that sounds like chaos, just two girls climbing over each other, hissing, trying to establish dominance.  I have no tips for that one but hide your wallet and use condoms.

 Good advice for the host:

  1. Despite what happens in porn, don’t invite your close friend, or someone you see all the time to join you in the bedroom. That can make relationships awkward.  Do you really want your fella to know what having sex with your bestie is like?  The internet gives opportunities to meet all sorts of people!  Take advantage of it!  In the 1950’s, you would have had to take a personal out in a swinger’s magazine distributed exclusively in truck stops to find a willing third.  Now, you can put an app on your phone and screen partners over lunch!
  2. Concentrate on finding a woman you feel curious about- odds are good your honey will agree.
  3. Don’t pick someone as a third that either of you are romantically interested in – the situation is too complicated as it is.  Be honest with yourself.
  4. Talk rules over with your partner and set boundaries beforehand.  Would you prefer to limit sex to oral?  Are there things you want your partner not to do?  Discuss them with your new friend.

4 Steamy, Fun Sex Games To Help You Rock It In The Bedroom

These games are sexy and lots of fun! 

Say goodbye to bedroom boredom. These fun sex games will definitely spice things up.

Constantly searching for things to keep your sex life fun can get very tiring. That’s why I wanted to show you my 4 favorite fun sex games to play with your partner. Just a quick warning though: Don’t feel like you have to try every single one of the sexy games with your man. You don’t. Only try the ones that you are comfortable with.

You’ve Got 30 Seconds

This first fun sex game is called ‘You’ve Got 30 Seconds’ because you are going to be giving each other a time limit of just 30 seconds to turn each other on and get each other off. To play the game, ideally you should have an egg timer as it makes quite a loud buzzing noise when the time is up. But if you don’t have one, a stopwatch on your phone will do. Set the timer to 30 seconds and then start it.

Your man will now have just 30 seconds to try and give you as much pleasure as possible. Usually this isn’t enough though…which turns out to be a good thing as it’s now your turn. You’ll have 30 seconds to try and give your man as much pleasure as possible and try to bring him to orgasm.

Now, when you are the person receiving the pleasure, you are not allowed to do anything at all other than sit back and enjoy it. You’re especially not allowed to give any directions or tell your partner what you are enjoying and disliking. It’s up to them to discover it themselves. You’ll find that you will both need multiple 30 second sessions to get each other off. Many couples often report that they get quite competitive when playing, ‘You’ve Got 30 Seconds’, trying to win, by getting their partner off first.

You can also add to the fun by inventing prizes for the winner (the person who orgasms last) and evenforfeits for the loser (the person who orgasms first).

Hot & Cold

‘Hot & Cold’ is much simpler to play, but that doesn’t make it any less of a fun sex game to play with your man. What you are going to be doing is arranging a few foods (usually about 3-4) that are either warm or cold. Think ice-cream, champagne and sorbet for the cold foods and heated honey, melted chocolate and warm maple syrup for the warm foods.

Note: Make sure that the warm foods aren’t hotter than your man, otherwise you may accidentally burn him.

‘Hot & Cold’ is a sex game that works best after dinner, I’ll explain why in a minute.

Next, you are going to bring your man somewhere private, take off his pants and then blindfold him. You now want to tell him that you want to give him a bj, but not the regular type of bj. Tell him that you’d like some dessert and have a few things prepared. If he asks what, then just say that it’s a surprise and will be quite pleasurable.

Then take a little scoop of ice cream into your mouth and start to very slowly give him oral sex. Starting slowly is crucial as you don’t want to give him too much of a shock. You can continue to give him oral sex, while slowly eating more and more of the ice cream/sorbet/champagne off his penis.

Next, you can then switch to something completely different…like some warm honey. The change should surprise your man, but more importantly it will make for a completely different texture.

The only problem when performing ‘Hot & Cold’ sex game is that your man will often come before you have a chance to try all the foods on him. That’s why I always recommend to use no more than 4 different foods.

Female Orgasm. Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction.

‘The orgasm is no longer a mere biological function used in procreation, nor the side effect of casual pleasure … it is the very centre of the human experience and ultimately determines the happiness of the human race.’ says Wilhelm Reich

Sexuality and orgasm are widely influenced by past experiences, relationships with others, the culture in which we live, combined with the biochemical reactions in our bodies.

In western culture these factors are not discussed widely or openly enough and women are left to discover and explore their own sexuality based on the idea that we should be able to reach sexual pleasure and orgasm easily and frequently.

The fact is, no two women share the same experience of desire or even the same orgasmic pattern. Misconceptions about the “right” way to have an orgasm and expectations about normal libido leave many women feeling inadequate.

Education and greater awareness of the importance of sexuality and orgasm is needed in order for there to be less confusion and uncertainty, and more pleasure and understanding.

Women from a young age should be encouraged to talk to their friends and family about their sexuality and have access to holistic information that can help them grow and learn as sexually aware women.



Curated by Erbe
Original Source

Many Faces of Romance

Love comes in many shapes, sizes and ways of connecting. We should all be free to love and celebrate the love, intimacy, friendship and sexuality of relationships.Many Faces of Romance


Curated by Erbe
Original Source

Tantric Explorations Brings a Higher Plane of Sexual Ecstasy

Takeaway: If all you know about Tantra is something about Buddhism and Sting, think again. These Tantric tips are for anyone, and can help you have better sex in mind and body.

Sometimes sex can seem like a race toward orgasm. With so many tips, guides and articles for achieving orgasm (“guaranteed,” “multiple” and “mind-blowing,” get tossed around a lot) it’s no surprise that we sometimes forget that there’s more to sex than the finish line. Tantra, the Sanskrit word for “interwoven”, puts sex in a different perspective. Tantric sex is about slowing down, connecting with your partner, and becoming orgasmic rather than focusing on achieving orgasm. It began in India as a form of yoga that exalted the union of men and women. Today, it’s a way to experience your partner’s body and mind in a way that for many people is completely new.

Real tantra is something that must be explored and learned and discovered over time, but here are a few ways to start bringing some of its key elements into your love life.

Create and Intimate and Relaxing Space

In Tantra, sex is considered to be a full body and mind experience. That means that a big part of Tantra can involve satisfying all of your senses. Think of what smells relax you and your partner, or what scents might stimulate you. Lavender is typically said to relieve stress, and incense or candles can definitely be handy. Consider color, texture, music, even foods. Make sure you are dressed comfortably, with clothes that feel good against your skin. Remember that the space you create shouldn’t draw attention to itself. Instead, it should form a zone in which you’re able to focus on your partner.

Breathe and Make Eye Contact

Breathing is an excellent way to relax your body. Start by sitting down across from your partner, either cross-legged with your knees touching. Or, if you’d prefer more physical contact, wit with one person in the other person’s lap with your legs wrapped around each other.

Try drawing in a deep breath for four seconds through your mouth, then releasing air slowing for four seconds through your nose. Try also coordinating your breath with your partner’s to create a feeling of connection. Inhale when your partner inhales; exhale when he or she exhales. Alternatively, do a breath exchange: inhale when your partner exhales, exhale when he or she inhales. Focus your gaze on your partner’s eyes so you’re looking straight at each other. This may feel very vulnerable at first, but with practice, it’ll be an avenue to a feeling of deeper intimacy.

Good Sex Starts in the Mind

Knowing what turns you on is completely different than knowing the deep reason you enjoy your fantasies. Have you thought about your sexual needs on a deep level? Below we explore great questions to help you connect deeper with your deepest desires and why they are a part of you.

Sex is a body thing. Good sex is a mind thing. And, as with many matters of the mind, getting your groove on – in a fulfilling, meaningful manner – can take a little work and a lot of thought.

However, most articles and authorities on the subject seem to tackle concerns over coitus from the physical front. In so doing, experts are omitting a vital aspect of the sexual encounter: the psychological. Luckily, though, there are psychotherapists and so-called sexologists whose very work involves getting your mind right for a romp.

Here’s what they have to say…

Ask Yourself 2 Simple Questions

Ken Page, a New York-based psychotherapist and author who specialises in intimacy and its psychological correlates, writes that two simple questions are enough to teach you valuable lessons about your sex life.

The first question which Page proposes we ask is: What turns me on most in sex? Now, as simple as this seems, most of us might not be able to give a straight answer right away. Why? Because, as Page puts itour sexual turn-ons sometimes just don’t fit our self-image”. When this is the case, we fanaticise about something for which we feel ashamed.

However, whether or not we like to admit to them (for instance, many people may find that what they like seems “boring” in comparison to some more exciting fantasies) , the things which turn us on the most are “portals to a deeper experience of sex and of ourselves”.


Page explains that these “turn ons” shine a light on parts of ourselves we just don’t know what do with. And we can really benefit from learning how to handle these sexual fantasies in a creative, fulfilling and – vitally – non-destructive ways.

Page recommends that we try to allow ourselves the freedom of play in our dream world: and to trust ourselves enough to try some of these deeply-held fantasies. If it gets uncomfortable, accept that this is normal, but monitor it, and – if the discomfort persists – enlist the support of a skilled psychotherapist to help you along the way.

For the most part, though, Page reckons, we will feel a. proud of ourselves for embracing what it is we want most, and b. more sexually fulfilled. Which brings us to his second “questions for optimal sex”.

What Touches You most Deeply in Sex?

Not literally. What Page is getting at here is, what is it – during sex – which touches you most emotionally? Page goes into this topic in quite a bit of depth in his book Deeper dating: How to drop the games of seduction and discover the poser of intimacy. However, for our purposes here, let’s consider the following points:

  1. Have you ever been surprised by how a sexual experience touched you emotionally?
  2. Have you ever felt a sense of love which overtook you – where sex surpassed sex and became something more?
  3. And, finally, what happened to make this happen?

Try to figure it out: is it a way your partner looks at you, or the way they stroke your back?

Page explains that “in sex and in life, most of us are both more wild and more tender than we feel comfortable with, but both aspects of our sexuality are portals to our deepest self and our richer expression in the world”.

So, he recommends we ask ourselves these two questions about sex as a way to guide us, and our partners, to those portals of intimacy.

We diminish – and even extinguish – the intimacy between ourselves and others when we hide our most vulnerable sexual needs. To keep any sexual relationship real and rewarding, Page explains, involves sharing with your partner the things in sex that move you most deeply, that turn you on most intensely.

Why Sexuality is the Hot Topic in Holistic & Alternative Medicine

What is the only thing left out of the holistic paradigm?

It’s called S-E-X.

Holistic health professionals will talk about everything from gut health & nutrition, exercise, acupuncture, and neti pots…but they tip toe around sex. Why is that? It is still a taboo topic. It’s an area of life that brings up discomfort and uncertainty for the majority of people in our society. Another reason is the lack of training and education. It is simply left out of professional trainings—even those who deal directly with the human reproductive system, such as gynecologists and urologists—don’t receive adequate training on sexuality. The average reproductive system specialist spends 7-8 years getting medical training, and out of those years, spends roughly 3 hours learning about sexuality! This is analogous to the training most allopathic medicine doctors get in nutrition—about 3 hours. See a parallel here?

Fortunately, the landscape is changing. The future of integrative medicine includes sexuality. How do I know this? Holistic health guru Dr. Andrew Weil is editing a series of books on Integrative Medicine, and one of those books is on Integrative Sexuality. This is the next hot topic! For those holistic health practitioners who want to stay relevant, they must start paying attention to the salient topic of sex. And for those of us who are passionate about health & wellness, it’s time to evolve the context for sex beyond just the bedroom and into the domain of health at large. After all, sexuality is the root of all our biological systems. It’s how we got here, for goodness sake!

That’s why I gathered the best in the industry to talk about this charged subject during the Sex & Medicine Summit, so we could start creating a new narrative for this important topic. What I learned from doing that series of interviews was just how vast this topic is, how it touches every area of life, and how much this conversation is needed in medical schools, board rooms, grand rounds, and health coaching trainings (well… pretty much every helping profession training). The time to start this conversation is now. Why wait until someone else initiates it?

So many questions linger in the back of people’s minds, and they wonder if they’re crazy, if they’re the only ones who struggle with issues like erectile dysfunction, strange-smelling vaginal discharge, HPV, lack of desire, body image issues (including concern about the shape and size of genitals), sexual “aberrations,” extreme hormonal swings, and much more. Once we reach a critical mass of willingness to show up and talk about our sexuality in a safe and open way, the taboo will start dropping away. The shame will dissolve. The alienation and passivity will shift into vibrancy, a pleasure-positive lifestyle, and freedom of expression. And all this leads to greater health and well-being. Healthy sexuality, to me, is the foundation of true health. Even if you are physically fit, eat well, sleep 8 hours a night, but don’t aren’t having regular, nourishing sex, (either with self or another) then you are cut off from your essential expression—you are cut off from the very source of life.

My vision for the future of integrative health is that naturopaths, health coaches, and other healing arts professionals will include sexual healing modalities in their prescriptive process. They will refer their patients and clients to the appropriate sexual health professionals in their network. They will address sexuality openly and respectfully with their clients, so that they feel safe and empowered to take charge of this delicate and incredibly powerful aspect of their life. I envision more leaders in the health field initiating discussions on the topic of sex and medicine, instead of leaving this area of life to the purview of the porn and entertainment industry, where it has languished long enough. Taking charge of your health & your health must include sexual mastery on ever-increasing levels. And it can be a most pleasurable journey!

If Men Menstruated…

I can’t possibly start this article without referring to one of my favorite feminist essays by Gloria Steinem, “If Men Could Menstruate.”

Steinem, the face of progressive female movements for several decades, wrote this biting piece in 1978 for Ms. Magazine.

It explores a world where we treat women’s sexual health in the same way that we treat men’s sexual health. Most notably, it illustrates how we would be dedicating more time, energy and money to researching menstruation — understanding its risk and benefits, identifying symptoms, developing products to manage and medications to mitigate it.

Whether or not we truly see the implication of it in our everyday lives, funding, and therefore effort, invested in researching women’s sexual health is far lower than that dedicated to men.

Not only are women underrepresented in biomedical studies that explore prevention, diagnosis and treatment of disease, but also topics that address female sexual health are poorly researched in general.

Despite an entire industry dedicated to exploring, enhancing and glorifying men’s sexual health, there has been very little work done on this front for women.

This means that we still don’t understand many of the unique, complex and variable processes involved in female sexual health.

Despite what the media implies, it is 100 percent NORMAL for women (and men, for that matter!) to experience fluctuations in our desire for intimacy, sex and pleasure.

While we know that women’s sexuality is not so simple that taking a single pill will result in arousal, we don’t yet appreciate all the multi-faceted factors that DO contribute to pleasure and libido for women.

Until recently, our research on sex and sexuality has assumed (the way that it did for all biomedical studies) that men and women’s bodies respond in the same way to external and internal stimuli.

We are finally beginning to accept that this is not the case and that female sexual health is a topic all its own … and a very valid one.

Fiera® is one of the companies in the United States currently performing research and developing products with women’s health and sexuality specifically in mind. They are beginning to utilize new understandings of the female sexual response cycle to create technology that helps women get “in the mood” when they want to be.

Fiera is scientifically proven to enhance arousal and lubrication for women. The product was built with couples in mind to help improve overall intimacy.

In the U.S., roughly 46% of all American women, aged 18-70 have a sexual concern. While sex can sometimes be difficult to talk about, it’s an important conversation to have. Fiera is encouraging women to talk about their concerns and help normalize the conversation around sex.

Clearing Sexual Numbness

Learn to feel and bring that beautiful deep breath and responsiveness into intimacy with a partner. Your orgasms will change, your whole body will respond differently…

What if you made ecstasy part of your daily spiritual practice? How would that change the richness and the quality of your life? If you want to reclaim your sexuality, and learn how to live on the ecstatic spectrum, do yoga. You don’t need to learn 450 positions; that won’t do it if you’re numb. Clearing the numbness is the first step to owning and celebrating your sexuality. Practice playing with sensating individually and with your partner, and you will have sensational sex!

Viscerally explore how to wake your skin up. Tactile sensation starts with the skin and vibrates inward. Sex isn’t just about the “sexual” organs. Involve the whole skin and body. Enjoy learning different qualities of touch and sensation — it’s essential, and fun!

Here’s a good exercise to stay connected and track feeling. Inhale, running your finger from inside of wrist to elbow, deliberately inviting in all sensations. Exhale, go back down from elbow to wrist studying, through feeling, the difference between sensating with inhale and exhale. Track what part of that you can feel. Any feeling is a win.

For a long time I couldn’t do this. I challenged myself to learn how to feel a subtle touch and enjoy that. Cats are good teachers that way, because if you pet one correctly, it purrs and feels good. Learn to touch yourself and your partner in a way that makes you both purr! If you are a dog person, when you rub your dog just right, it wriggles in ecstasy. That’s a clue you’re on the right track!

In choosing to become a whole person, I had to explore what it means to be sexual in a way I could respect. I decided to cleanse the taint of abuse and insane cultural conditioning from my sexuality and my cell tissue. As I explored this, I realized that many of us don’t know how to be sexual in a way that is healthy and authentic. I am learning, (and so can you), to put my conditioning aside and feel what it means to play with and enjoy sexual energy as a way both for sacred connection and for good, sweaty fun.

I started teaching my body how to feel pleasure, because it didn’t know how. I began to hunt my sexuality and learn how to avidly ride those energies internally, instead of shutting down around them. I began doing my practice in way that ran pleasurable energy. Wow, just ride that wave! Moving with awareness from subtle sensations all the way to a huge rush, without shutting down, was good training for sexuality. One of my quantum leaps was learning how to use my orgasm muscles in my yoga practice! That’s fun!

Using Sex to Cope with Emotions

My experience with hypersexuality involved meeting men on Craigslist expressly for the purpose of having sex.

I love sex. Maybe more than the average person. But having had an episode of bipolar hypersexuality — defined clinically as extremely frequent or suddenly increased sexual urges or sexual activity — I’m always careful when starting a new sexual relationship. I know that I can have a healthy sex life even with this struggle in my past, but it takes some careful attention to my situation and to my feelings.

My experience with hypersexuality involved meeting men on Craigslist expressly for the purpose of having sex. Other than work, finding the next sexual partner was my primary focus during that time. As is common with this condition, I couldn’t find the pleasure that I sought with these encounters, which made me seek out even more men. The driving force behind hypersexuality is actually bipolar mania, so without proper treatment or a change in my condition, my sexual behavior was not likely to change.

After having gone through this period of intense sexuality, I sometimes view my sexual appetite as a symptom. I’ve been careful to ask myself whether I’m really feeling someone’s vibe or if I’m about to have sex because I’m driven by other feelings. That helps me make sure that I’m well emotionally, my bipolar is under control, and that I’m about to be intimate with someone for the right reasons.

Recently, I was reminded of a period when I was driven by hypersexuality in a relationship. There is a man in my life, Steven, that I see every few years. It’s one of those situations where we just can’t get out of each other’s systems — you know what I mean. The last time he called me, I was a mess. I’d recently gotten out of the hospital and was still reeling from a breakup earlier that year. Of course, I agreed to see him and we got together a few times. But what I really wanted to do was see Steven more frequently. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, calling him, imagining how wonderful it would be if we just had more sex. When I didn’t get what I wanted from him, I went to dating sites — I’ll never go back to Craigslist — but couldn’t meet anyone. That’s when I knew that I was in trouble.

Fortunately, I confessed my behavior to my therapist while getting an adjustment in medication to keep the mania at bay. I learned that, yes, hypersexuality can be a symptom of my disease, but that it can also be a symptom of unregulated emotions. My experience with Steven was probably a little of both, since I’d been a bit lonely since my breakup and I saw sex as something that I could use to replace any other negative feelings I had. I know now that it’s not healthy for me to use physical intimacy as a substitute for my emotions.

Steven called me a few weeks ago and we did get together. These days I’m healthier and clearer about the role of sex in my life, and I decided to be with Steven because of my feelings for him and not as a surrogate for anything — or anyone — else. As a result, we can have a fulfilling, honest and healthy sexual relationship and I don’t have to worry about triggering an episode of hypersexuality or other unhealthy behavior. So far its going well for me, which I believe is working out well for Steven too. If you know what I mean.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

I Haven’t Lost My Virginity

When one person “loses” while another one “takes,” is it any surprise why so many of us feel shame years after that disappointing first time? 

It’s awkward to think about the first time. Some people are lucky enough to have become sexually active in a pleasurable way, but I didn’t. And I know I’m not alone. Most of us don’t talk about it, and a lot of us try not to think about it, either. But when my mind wanders back in time, why do I feel so ashamed?

It was consensual, I will say that. But saying “yes” to sex often means accepting what comes with it – whether it’s good, or bad.

It’s true that the way you lose your virginity can become the initial blueprint for a lot of sexual experiences afterwards. Emotional scars may resurface years later in the form of shame, blame, and fear. Both men and women blush when recalling that uncomfortable first time. It was the best of times, or (more likely) the worst.

It’s been nearly a decade since my first sexual experience. I’ve matured a lot, since then. You’d think I’d have moved on by now, and I thought I had. But sometimes, in vulnerable moments, I find myself still mourning that younger version of me.

  1. Did I “give it up” too soon?
  2. Have I truly lost my innocence?
  3. Or am I subscribing to an outdated rule that keeps women (and men) from owning themselves?

….I’m going with number 3. Here’s why.

“Virgin,” is a word usually used to describe someone who has not yet had sex. But according to the dictionary, virgin also means “not yet touched, used, or exploited.” As a young girl, I was told to “save it” for marriage. I was led to believe that if I had sex, I would be losing my innocence. As a girl, I was supposed to be a delicate flower, whose value diminished with the opening of her petals.

To “lose my virginity,” (in this old way of thinking) meant that I was giving my body to a man solely for his pleasure. “Losing it” meant that I would be used up, damaged, and degraded. My partner would be “taking” my virginity, and in essence, stealing my worth.