Category: Sex

How To Cheat Without Cheating

by Mercy Harrisin RELATIONSHIPS, Sex

 

If you have a cheatin’ heart but don’t want to act on it, here’s how to stop an affair before it starts.

Do you fantasize about secret hook-ups and flings? Are you disappointed by the emotional distance between you and your long-term partner? “Boredisappointment” is a word I’ve invented (just now, actually!) to describe those afflictions of relationship boredom — with a garnish of dashed hopes and dreams.

If you find this feeling all-too-familiar, say it with me: “I suffer from boredisappointment.”

Note that we didn’t say, “they gave me boredisappointment.” The key phrase here is “I suffer.” What you don’t want to do here (take it from me) is to blame your partner for all of it. Sure, they may have had the cold first and then passed the germs on to you. Or they’re just so damn noisy that now you’ve got a bad headache. Or maybe your partner was boredisappointed long before the thought entered your mind.

Whatever the reason, these are your feelings and they should be dealt with. Thankfully, and just as with any headache, cold, or food poisoning bout, there are things you can do (yourself) for relief.

The first step to overcoming infidelity is admitting you’re tempted to cheat. After that comes the fun part!

“What?” you ask. “What fun part? I’m about to destroy my ten-year marriage with the pretzel guy from Costco!”

Hold on now, Brenda. Put down the cheese dip and zip up your fly. You can learn how to stop an affair from happening by leaning into the feelings of cheating without actually doing it. Let’s take a look at four options that can do just that.

1. Cheat on your partner… by having a “naughty” sleepover with your platonic best friend.

Throw a “self-care” night with your closest platonic (emphasis on platonic) best friend, and soak up the sinfulness of it all. Junk food, face masks, roses and candles, confessions, whatever — do what you wish someone else would do for you.

Your romantic partner can’t meet every need in your life. This is why friendships exist. It’s unnecessarily painful to depend on one person for every aspect of your emotional well-being — not to mention unrealistic. But there are ways to get your emotional needs met without ruining your partner’s life. Gush over the grocery boy with your bestie and there’s no harm done. Letting the grocery boy gush on you, well… that’s what’s we’d like to avoid.

Pro tip: TELL YOUR FRIEND ABOUT YOUR URGE TO CHEAT. This (1) makes you accountable to someone outside of your partnership, (2) presents a great opportunity for advice from someone you trust, and/or (3) validates and affirms your boredisappointment without getting an STD.

2. Cheat on your spouse… with a project.

Why is it that when people cheat, they can always find time to do so — but when it’s a painting or building a zen garden, there are a million things more important?

In an interview for The Rumpus, Elizabeth Gilbert recommends approaching your creative project like it’s a secret lover. “Go have an affair with your book…just get some sexy lavender underwear from the girl in Coyote Ugly and go have a fling with your book.”

If there’s a story you’ve always wanted to write, paint, crochet, or sculpt, find secret times to do so. And if you’re feeling frisky, you’re in luck: from boudoir photography to romance novels to sexy dance classes and more, there’s a whole world of titillating activities for you.

Pro tip: To satisfy your urge for sensual risk, why not pose nude for an art class — or take an art class and draw somebody else? Often, the rush of seeing and/or being seen is enough to satisfy the urge to cheat — or (even better) get over it completely.

Couple On Kitchen

3. Cheat on your spouse… by pursuing a real adrenaline rush.

Try something dangerous; I dare you. Go skydiving or bungee jumping (with a reputable guide, of course). Go ride a horse and fall off. Do that thing in Vegas where you rent a racecar and pretend to be Ricky Bobby. Experts say that spontaneous excitement boosts your dopamine levels, which can satisfy the pleasurable rush you’ve been craving.

Now I’m not a psychic, but I have a feeling that tropical cliff-diving is a lot more worthwhile than fondling some guy you met at a fundraiser. Unless he’s Tom Hardy, he ain’t that cute.

Pro tip: Take your partner with you! You might be surprised with this one. There’s a certain kind of closeness that comes from defying death with a lover. Please don’t risk your life on my account, but… jump out of a plane. See what happens.

4. Actually cheat on your partner…but do it with your partner.

Maybe both of you are boredisappointed, who knows? Perhaps they’re even more boredisappointed than you are, but haven’t discovered LOVE TV yet.  Lucky for them, they have you. Cha-ching!

Instead of thinking about how to stop an affair, think of how you would start one — and then get your partner involved. Surprise them with a naughty email from a private account, or arrange a ‘secret’ tryst with them. Have them meet you on his or her break at work, or after hours at a surprise location. You can go all ‘role-play’ if you want, but trust me — sometimes, doing something that feels forbidden and secretive is the best way to feel like your true self.

Pro tip: Sexting isn’t just for single Millennials. Worst sext-case scenario, you can just send each other sexy spoofs and laugh about it. At least then you’ll both be smiling.

To have a good relationship, you need to take care of yourself.

You can stop an affair before it begins by acknowledging that your needs for novelty, excitement, play, emotional satisfaction, or pleasure aren’t being met – and then finding alternate ways of providing these needs for yourself. By all means, include your partner in as much or as little of this as you’d like, but this is on you. There are healthy ways to do this without ruining your life.

What are some other ways you can think of to overcome infidelity urges? Share your stories in the comments below! And for more reading on ethical cheating options, check out this perspective on polyamory or this one on nonmonogamy. (Yep, they’re different!)

Did Millennials Kill The Sexual Revolution?

by Virginia Jonesin Sex, SEX TIPS

Millennials aren’t as sexually active as we’re led to believe. Why is that — and what does it mean?

So, everyone knows that millennials are the most sexually active generation, right?

They’re all about hooking up and moving on, without thoughts of relationships or emotional attachment. They’re just out all day on their hoverboards, snapchatting, eating black ice cream, and designing apps for people who want their dogs to meet.

We’ve seen it on Girls and Broad City, we’ve read articles about it, some of us have even written about it. This generation just can’t get enough of strings-free hookups!

Actually, no.

According to a recent study, millennials are having LESS sex than the rest of us.

 

According to a report published by the Archives of Sexual Behavior, 15 percent of 20- to 24-year-olds have not had sex since turning 18, up from 6 percent in the early 1990s.

It goes on to say that younger millennials (those born in the early 1990s) are 41 percent more likely to be sexually inactive than their peers born in the 1980s and more than twice as likely to be sexually inactive in their early 20s than Generation X.

So, despite what you’ve heard, millennials are losing their virginity later, leaving sex as a lower priority, marrying later, and in general, are having less sex than any other group in the last 60 years.

How did we get it so wrong? In a word, media.

The percentage of millennials that is pursuing lots of casual sex is more visible and sexier to gossip about. And moreover, many chaste young adults may portray more of a sexy dating life online as part of their “brand” than what they’re pursuing privately.

Is this a blip on the radar, or does this reflect a change of attitude about sex?

The American sex life used to begin at marriage, or right before, which meant that in 1950, most people got married by 22. It was not socially acceptable to have children outside of wedlock, and so sex was considered dangerous and a potentially life-changing activity.

In 1960, the birth control pill became available in the United States. As the danger of accidental pregnancy dropped dramatically, people began questioning whether they needed to get married at all. By 1975, 35 percent of people thought of marriage as an “outdated concept,” and we rejected a lot of ideas about the dangers of premarital sex as old-fashioned. American society has become more secular and our morals have changed to reflect a more humanist society. Since we no longer need to get married to have sex or children, average marriage age has increased to an “elderly” 28 in 2010 and keeps going up.

But what if the sexual revolution of the ‘60s was the abnormality, and this generation is normalizing the behavior humans had for hundreds of years, limiting their number of partners and having sex later?

What’s causing this sexual abstinence in young people? Let’s explore what might be getting in the way.

Awkward couple lying in bed looking away

  1. They’re broke.

With tuitions going up, rents in cities rising, and job requirements also increasing, money’s tight.  For the first time in more than 130 years, adults aged 18 to 34 are more likely to live with their folks than with a partner, which puts a damper on sexual activity — a factor also cooling off ardor in Tokyo. The last generation that had this level of sexual inactivity in their youth was during the Great Depression, which was another era where young people had less free time and disposable income.

  1. They’re overworked.

For kids who do get their first jobs in high-pressure environments, they may be expected to be hyper-vigilant and perpetually available to their higher-ups via their phones, put in long hours and struggle for success. This doesn’t leave them with a lot of energy or time for meeting other people or pursuing them seriously.

  1. They’re scared of intimacy.

relationship problems

A recurring theme in music and films is the danger of “catching feelings”, or, worse, of not catching them and of disappointing another person romantically. They speak of love like a disease that can happen if you’re not careful, and many would rather set that aside for now.

  1. They feel unattractive.

The very apps we credit with every kid we know hooking up might only serve the 20 percent best looking of the population. The biggest visible effect of picture-based swiping apps is the death of the “mixed-attractiveness” couple, where one person is less attractive but may be smart, charming, or fun to be with — but only in person, not online. In their increasingly demanding world of snapchat and Instagram, average-looking kids may not even bother with dating apps.

  1. Their meds don’t help.

As you might guess, this broke, stressed, and overworked generation struggles with anxiety and depression — and taking medication for it. Many are probably experiencing side effects that limit their interest in sexual activity.

  1. Porn is everywhere.

Like the sexless generation in Japan, young American men are meeting many of their sexual urges with pornography, which is 100 percent dedicated to being exactly what you want it to be, without the entanglements or dangers of intimacy with other people. They are also the first generation that had pornography available to them as soon as they thought they might want to see some, with the availability of the internet on every computer, tablet, or phone they’ve ever had.

So it might not be about a change in attitude, but just some really specific circumstances that are keeping millennials from having sex.

I would guess that this group’s sexual disinterest is only temporary, and in general in keeping with their interest in delaying adulthood. As this generation finds its way in our great big beautiful world, they’re going to want to have sex with it. The revolution need not be Tinder-ized.

One Couple’s Radical Approach To Solve Their Sexless Marriage

by Amy Rettein Sex, SEX TIPS

My husband and I found ourselves in a sexless marriage after having our son two years ago.

Sound familiar?  That’s because it was the same problem so many other long-term, committed couples experience: one of us wanted a lot of sex, one of us wanted none.

We’d started as an extremely sexually active couple.

Even after the two year mark, when those brain chemicals that make us unbearably horny are supposed to wear off, we were unable to resist one another. When we married, it was with the mutual understanding that a healthy sex life was a top priority to both of us in a long term marriage.

So six weeks after my c-section, when I wasn’t even feeling a tingle of emotion, he started to get concerned. When we did finally try, it was the worst sex either of us has ever experienced. I hated it and my body responded accordingly. We had to stop two minutes into it as our bodies rubbed together, chaffing with the friction of dry skin against dry skin.

As months went on, he began to blame me for his growing unhappiness and I blamed him for pushing physical intimacy that I had no interest in. It was a vicious, self-perpetuating cycle.

In desperation, I made an all encompassing effort to find my missing libido. But counseling, crystals, massage, visiting an energy healer, yoga, boudoir photos, talking to a doctor, and anything else you’ve ever heard or read about didn’t work.

So, we decided to take a radical approach to solve our sexless marriage.

Irritated sick couple on bed at home

My husband would take a three week vacation from our family during which he was allowed (and encouraged!) to have as much sex with as many strangers as he’d like.

For any readers who may be formulating assumptions about how that conversation went, it’s important to note that I was the one who first stumbled upon the idea of a sex-cation for my husband, and I was the one who did the convincing.

We’d explored the concept of an open relationship, threesomes, and polyamory already. None of those structures sat well with us. Long term, we wanted to be in a monogamous relationship. He’s an intensely committed human who prefers stability to change. I don’t have the emotional and/or intellectual resources to grapple with the philosophical and logistical questions that come up during multi-person relationships.

In all of my journaling and therapy, I found myself coming back to one problem over and over again — and that was blame. Hormones do some weird things to both men and women once a baby enters the picture.

My husband had quietly started blaming me when our new infant cannibalized our lives. In his mind, he’d imagined becoming a father later in life and felt that I’d pressured him to move up the timeframe. In some ways, he was right, but the choice was always his.

Caught in his own disappointment and blame, he failed to meet my needs as a new, breastfeeding, semi-depressed mother. I needed empathy more than anything, and that’s the one thing he failed to give me. Unlike his quiet blame, mine was a loud, raging anger.

In my mind, the misery of that first year of motherhood was almost entirely on his shoulders. And it made my vagina clam up.

From there it spiralled. As a man with an unusually high sex drive, he was miserable. He felt rejected and abandoned. He felt as though I’d misled him in my sexual willingness before pregnancy, that I’d stolen his opportunity to experience a varied and healthy sex life while he was still young. Not knowing what else to do, he just kept propositioning me.

I, unsurprisingly, felt pressured by him, as if he believed it to be my duty to surrender my body to his needs. Even after the first year of motherhood, I found myself piled under domestic demands. On top of washing diapers, arranging childcare, keeping the house clean, and managing our schedules, I was at the helm of my startup — a company that was rapidly growing. At the end of the day, there was nothing left for me to give, and from my fed-up perspective, my husband just needed to grow up and get over it.

I know it sounds ugly; it was. There’s nothing about a suddenly sexless relationship that’s pretty.

I wanted out. He wanted out. So I made the decision to give us both what we wanted. He would leave for three weeks and finally get his sexual needs met. I would manage the household, catch up on work, and be left blissfully alone. At the end, we’d come back together and hopefully be able to view the situation with fresh eyes.

Guess what? It worked.

He left for a large city in Southeast Asia shortly after. We’d spent a significant amount of time there in the past, and he already had friends who lived in the region. Our rules stated that he could only begin his time of freedom once he left the city we lived in, and could only engage with women neither of us had previously known. All of the dating apps he used, needed to create with email accounts he’d delete after he returned. He was not allowed to give out contact information, give his last name, or meet the same person a second time. This was designed to be a physical experience, not an emotional one. Any questions I had were not only allowed to be asked, but he would be obligated to answer truthfully.

The second he walked out the door, I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders (or, I guess, my loins).

Young parents

Fearing the lack of help from a second parent, I’d built backup plans upon backup plans for handling our little one which resulted in our household running better than it ever had. Once I got the baby down for sleep, I’d journal and then read. Two things I hadn’t done for enjoyment since I was pregnant.

Without any external demands, I found time to run during my lunch breaks, and even hired a sitter to go out with friends on several occasions. When I came home those nights, I’d crawl into my big empty bed and sleep until morning. Those were the first times in over a year I’d slept through the night. It was positively glorious.

Instead of anxiety over what my husband was doing, I felt relief at having one less person to “service” in my life. I could actually pay attention to myself, something I’d all but forgotten how to do.

Across an ocean, my husband was working out his own issues.

He was finding that he still had worth. Women wanted, not rejected, him. And through his many encounters, he discovered something that saved us. I had not been the one to force domesticity upon him — he’d always wanted it. It was, like I’d been insisting, his choice all along. The encounters he had reminded him sex was necessary, but it didn’t make him happy. He found that he loved me deeply and craved the safety of our monogamy. His flings were physically satisfying yet emotionally devoid.

When he returned, the blame spiral reversed itself. He understood that he had chosen me as his partner willingly and any pressure he’d felt was nothing more than a way of blaming someone else for his unhappiness in early parenthood. That renewed love and understanding showed itself in the form of empathy towards me. Because of that, I felt supported. And because of the weeks alone, I felt refreshed. We had sex a few times.

Those few times encouraged him, which caused him to show me more appreciation, and so on, until the pain of our post-baby lives had dissipated.

My nether regions slowly woke up.

A year later, we can call ourselves happy without a hint of a lie.

We’re not back to our pre-baby sex lives, but we’re up to a healthy few times a week— far from a sexless marriage. Our solution may not work for everyone (heck, it may not work for most!), but my hope in writing this is that I’ll reach at least one person out there who is out of options. Someone who is looking for a solution where there seem to be none. If you’re out there, don’t be afraid to veer off the path and find a new way. Find something that works for your relationship, no matter how crazy it seems.

For more reading about solving a sexless marriage, check out this article that can help you determine how much sex is healthy, or this helpful advice on regaining your sexual confidence.

Tongue-Tied During Sex? Here’s the Sexy Talk Women Want to Hear.

by Kelley Lynnin Sex, SEX TIPS

When it comes to intimacy, women love communication — and that includes sexy talk.

We love to feel close to you, and for us, that closeness comes from more than just the physical. Sure, it comes from your tenderness. Your touch. That look. But most of all, it’s the words you say to us while in the throws of passion that can really get us over the edge.

So if you want to guarantee your partner has an amazing time in bed with you, and that you have an equally amazing time, check out these sexy talk phrases that most women really respond to during sex:

“You look so beautiful.”

Telling your partner she is beautiful is always welcome, but even more so when in the midst of sexy-time together. By letting her know that you think she looks beautiful or gorgeous right this minute, while she might be a bit sweaty or her hair may look like she just went through a wind tunnel at warp speed, you are ensuring her that she is always beautiful to you. This is very comforting to us, so please feel free to remind us as many times as you like. (But only if you are being genuine. Women can pick up on “lines” a lot better than you think.) The more beautiful we feel, the more relaxed we feel, which means more fun for you!

“You are so f**king hot/sexy.”

All men are different, as are all women, so feel free to choose whichever word you like to use in your sexy talk. The key word here is the curse word. Telling us that we are so sexy or so hot that you can’t control your language is pretty much an instant turn-on. Make sure you put extra emphasis on the curse word – stretch it out a bit. Let’s just say hearing these words makes us feel really really good. You telling us we are hot to you, makes us feel very hot, and then we just want to devour you.

“I want you so badly right now.”

Also acceptable is “I NEED you so badly.” You can rotate between the two if you get bored. The important thing with this one, is, again, being genuine. This should be said in the moment, during foreplay probably, and as part of the build-up and teasing. Bonus points if you whisper it in her ear before or after sucking her earlobe, kissing her neck, or holding her face and looking into her eyes.

young beautiful couple hugging and talking

“I love your body.”

It’s pretty safe to say that the majority of women are self-conscious about their bodies. Most of us feel negatively or badly about at least some areas of our bodies, and these insecurities are only magnified for us when we are naked and vulnerable and completely exposed. So, if you have been with your partner awhile, and know where her insecurities lie, reassure her that you love every inch of her. With this one, get as specific as possible, talking about individual body parts, skin, curves, tattoos, or whatever else you truly love about your partner.

“This feels amazing. I love the way you…”

The last part of this sentence will be different, depending on the couple and what you both enjoy doing in bed together, but be specific in letting her know exactly what you love, preferably while she’s doing it. Why? Because hopefully she will take the hint and keep doing it, which will lead to an incredible orgasm for you. If you love the way she makes out with you, tell her. If you love how she teases your nether regions with her fingertips, let her know. Positive reinforcement will lead to more creativity, and more trying new things. Fun!

“I love the way you taste.”

For whatever reason, most of us women are a bit nervous about what you will think of our vagina. The scent, the look, the overall chemistry of things — it’s something we generally worry about, and often make all kinds of assumptions when we don’t hear confirmation that everything is, well, peachy.  So don’t leave us wondering. Tell us. Any genuine and positive words you have about “down there,” would go a long way in building our confidence level, and ensuring that we can relax when you are pleasing us, instead of worrying about if you even want to be doing that. Hearing that you love how we taste or smell or look down there is the perfect antidote to all our insecurities, and will most likely lead to an epic orgasm.

Young Couple Lying whispering

“I could stay here forever with you.”

This one is probably better once you are in an actual relationship with your partner, as this might be weird to say during a one-night stand or casual situation. But assuming you are with one another and care about each other, it is very comforting for us to hear and to know that you are genuinely happy and content right here, right now, with us. That you’re not in any big hurry to get up and leave. That is a beautiful thing.

“[Insert yummy sound here].”

There are several versions of this, but generally speaking, women love to hear men moaning and making sounds of ecstasy, just as much as men love to hear us. There is nothing hotter than knowing and having audible evidence that you are turning someone on, when you hear their screams, their groans, or their garbled and mumbly sexy talk. We dig that.

“I love you.”

Again, not so much for the one-night stand or casual sex, or for anyone you don’t actually love. But if you are in a loving, caring, mutually exclusive relationship, and you are being intimate, nothing makes a woman feel more connected or bonded with you, than hearing you say those three words, in the midst of lovemaking. The only thing I can think of that would be better than these three words, is making it four words by adding the ultimate curse for emphasis: I f**king love you.

Now if you’ll all excuse me, I need to go and find my partner so we can put all of these into practice.

You should go and do the same — or share what sexy talk tactics you learned with them. It may require lots of practice, so keep trying out your newfound love of words until you feel comfortable. Your partner will thank you for it.

For more ideas on spicing things up in the bedroom, check out this primer on how to dominate your man or, conversely, this interesting read on what not to do during sex.

Having Sex After A Dry Spell: What Your Body Is Trying To Tell You

by Kelley Lynnin Body, RELATIONSHIPS, Sex, SEX TIPS

Here’s what to know before getting back in the saddle after a sexual dry spell.

Sometimes, life doesn’t go quite as we may have pictured it or planned it. Every now and again, life enjoys tossing a few curve balls at us, just for kicks. Sometimes these changes in life can cause us to take a short, or very long, “dry spell” — or hiatus from being intimate with someone.

Whatever your reasons are for taking a break from dancing in the sheets, there are some things you should know before diving in again.

First, try and imagine your body having an actual, physical voice.

What would your body’s voice sound like when it spoke to you? Now that you have that voice in your head, give this a read. These are all the things your body has been trying to tell you, about how it might react to intimacy after an epic dry spell.

So, grab a glass of wine and listen to your body’s important messages about re-entering a world where sex happens.

“Ouch! That Hurts!”

dry spell

If you’re feeling pain, that might be your body saying:

“Hey there sister, remember me? Your body? The one you’ve been beating up and not taking great care of lately? The one you’ve been feeding Doritos and Coke to at midnight and then expecting me to relax and fall asleep? The one you’ve been neglecting to give any exercise to, other than that walk back and forth to the refrigerator?

“Look, lady – I want it just as much as you do. I mean, let’s face it. It’s been awhile. But please, for the love of God, try and remember that we are both out of practice, and that maybe my parts don’t move that way anymore. We need to train for this. Until then, and for now, be gentle.”

Did some weird, unusual sounds happen?

If you’re surprised by your new vocal reactions, your body is probably trying to say:

“So, the last time that you and I went down this sex road, I was just a tad more of a spring chicken. I, your body, may have been a lot more silent in the bedroom. Now – and I hate to mention this, but things might be a bit … well … louder. There may be flatulence involved. Just sayin’. Maybe you might be trying to kiss your lover and have a hot make-out session, when suddenly your insides feel like they might explode, and then … BURPPP!!!! Yeah.

“You see, 5 years ago, when we had sex for the last time, I was able to eat a big bowl of chili and have zero side effects whatsoever. Now? That chili residue ends up wafting in the air, seconds after your sexy kissing session. So, be careful what you eat before love-making, and it will reduce the noises involved. Capisce? Good.”

“Maybe we should practice together…”

Your body may may be feeling neglected, especially when it tells you a story like this:

“The only action I ever get is when your hands and fingers graze over me while you’re in the shower and applying body gel. Or when your back is itchy and you scratch it with one of those long back scratcher type things. Hell, the other day I felt your fingers wandering down in the direction of your honeypot, and I thought: ‘Finally! She’s gonna give me a little somethin somethin.’ But no. You were just getting prepared to shave your naughty bits, and all I felt was razor burn.

“It’s time for me to make a demand of you. PLAY WITH YOURSELF ALREADY!!! SWEET JESUS, I NEED TO BE TOUCHED!!! Look, its been a long time since you’ve had some intimacy. You may have changed your mind about how you like to be touched, what feels good. How will you know what to tell your partner if you haven’t tested the product in ages? You’re just gonna have to trust me on this one. Dim the lights. Put on those silky panties that accentuate my delicious curves, throw on some Marvin Gaye, and let’s get it on.”

“I’m different now.”

You might need to give your body a pep talk. Really listen when it explains your mutual history, as if it were saying:

“We’ve been through a lot, you and I. And even though this body might be a bit less perfect or tight than the last time we did this, I feel good. Actually, I feel great. I’m no longer as concerned with how I look in this position or that one – I just want to feel good. Let’s get this party started.”

“Your sex life ain’t the only thing dry, honey.”

Let there be no shame in admitting that you may need a bit of lube to get things started. Hey, it’s no one’s fault. Your body may quip:

“The last time you touched your bush, the first Bush was still in office — and you still had a bush. Now, it’s smooth sailing down here, but it may feel more like a desert until we get some real practice in. Until then, let’s invest in some K-Y Jelly, and be on our way to heavenly bliss.”

“I’m a little bit kinkier now. How about you?”

Let your mind go where your body wants to go. Try something new.

“And hey, what do you have to lose?” your body may be telling you. “If you don’t like it, you just don’t do it anymore. But imagine if you DO like it! Then you just gave us both future hours and hours of pleasure. Last time we did this sex thing, you might not have been this open-minded, and I wasn’t this willing to go along. But now —why not? Right? Let’s go discover what our turn-ons are today. I promise you, our new sexual adventures will be a thousand times better than yet another Grey’s Anatomy marathon.”

So, what’s your body telling you?

Spend some time listening to your body before throwing a bucket of water on that dry spell. It’ll make it an infinitely more enjoyable experience as you re-enter your sexual world.

Need some encouragement to break that dry spell? Consider this article about how sex is good for your health, and this one about elevating your pleasure with meditation. 

6 Intimacy Techniques To Try When “Sex” Is Temporarily Not An Option

by Kelley Lynnin Sex, SEX TIPS

When your sex drive is “out of order,” here are some intimacy techniques to keep things spicy and hot!

Women’s magazines love to talk a good game with stories about people who seem to be constantly having amazing sex. In their imaginary world, couples are having sex with each other pretty much all the time, and you read these headlines that say things like: “How often should you be having sex with your partner?” or “Are you having enough sex to satisfy your partner?” and, suddenly, you feel like a failure before you have even done anything.

The truth is, the real world is much different than what traditional media show.

There are a myriad of reasons why usually sexually active couples might not be having penetrative sex.

If you’re in a relationship that regularly has sex, there are many things that can put “traditional” sex on hold. Things like low sex-drive, depression, long or short-term illnesses, injuries, pregnancies, post-pregnancy issues, stamina issues, vaginismus, side effects from medications, diabetes, age, and those periods in time when you’re simply just not feelin’ it.

And although this is certainly something to adjust to and come to terms with, it does not mean that intimacy and deep connection is not possible. There are many ways in which a couple can become and remain close, without having “traditional” intercourse.

Some of the following examples are sexual, and others aren’t. But they will all help you to stay intimate with one another. Finding creative ways to stay connected can mean the difference between a “blah” relationship and one with endless fireworks.

romantic date

Here are some great intimacy techniques to try, when penetrative intercourse isn’t an option:

1. Massage & intimate touch

Touching one another is a fantastic way to remain intimate. Often times, when intercourse and orgasm is the primary focus, things can become somewhat robotic or routine, and you may stop paying attention to the details of your partner’s body. These areas carry erogenous zones, and can act as just as much of a turn-on as the obvious “go to” spots. Touch your partner. Everywhere. Take turns giving each other full body rubdowns or massages. Use oils and lotions to help enhance or change the feeling of the touch. Light some candles, put on some music, and ease each other into a world of relaxation and romance.

2. Cuddling

Different from the interactivity of massage or intentional touch, this is the comforting act of holding one another. Yes, it sounds corny, but there is truly nothing like being held by the person you love. It sends a feeling of calm and peacefulness through their body, and it definitely creates a closeness between the two of you that is tough to achieve any other way. Embracing in the silence of each other’s arms is comforting and reassuring of your connection.

3. Make-out sessions

Often times when sex has been the focus of a couple’s intimate experiences, kissing can get lost inside all the action. In my opinion, kissing is underrated, and if you really spend some good quality time on kissing and making out with one another, it can be a huge turn-on. My partner and I sometimes have contests with ourselves, to see if we can lock lips for five minutes straight, or during the commercials of a TV show we are watching. Turning kissing into a game or competition can be super fun, and a great way to spice things up when sex isn’t in the picture.

young lovers are cuddling in the bed looking deep into eyes

4. Oral sex

If penetrative intercourse is not an option for whatever reason, but oral pleasure is, then by all means, go for it! Oral pleasure is a sure fire way to orgasm for both parties, and is very erotic and fun. There are also many ways and many positions to try this in, both when receiving and giving, so it can be different each time. Playing with senses such as warm and cool, taste enhancers, and edible oils can also be fun.

5. Stare at each other

…not in a creepy way, of course, but in a silent, deep connecting kind of way. Sometimes we get caught up in the loudness of everything or the fast-paced world we all live in. Take a few moments, or set a timer even, where talking is not allowed, and try to simply focus on each other’s breath, faces, eyes, and other details. This can be quite satisfying, when practiced regularly. I have recently done a lot of this “deep staring” with my partner, and it is a beautiful way to get lost in each other. When we do this, it feels really connected and emotional, in the very best of ways. And for an added activity, try also asking these New York Times approved questions that are “guaranteed” to make you fall deeper in love.

6. Extreme teasing

This is where you bring each other to the brink of orgasm, and then stop, and then start, or switch to a new area on their body. Lots of kissing, touching, caressing, and a combination of the senses is what this entails and accomplishes. You can include many things in your teasing, such as toys or props, to make things even more interesting. Blindfolds, dildos, stimulators, body paints, or whatever else makes you happy.

The bottom line is, the more you can find out what makes the other person tick, the more fun you will have together.

Open-mindedness and communication are everything, especially when intercourse is either limited or not possible. You can still find ways to connect, both physically, and emotionally. Try some of these suggestions tonight, and see for yourself just how fun and fresh your sex life can be, even without intercourse.

If you’d like to read about other intimacy techniques, check out these 21 things to try in long term relationships. Or these 11 ideas for newlyweds!

16 Women On The One Thing They Appreciate Most From A Man In Bed

by Becca Martinin Sex, SEX TIPS

Your sex life might be good, but here’s how you’ll make it better for her.

Last night I was sitting at a bar with a friend getting drinks. I saw a hot guy across the bar drinking a Coors Banquet, eating chips and salsa, watching the game on TV. He looked completely uninterested in everything going on around him, as he sat there alone, never looking away from what was right in front of him.

“The man in the baseball hat across from us is so hot,” I said to my friend.

“Yeah, he really is. Just by the looks of him though, I bet he wouldn’t go down on a girl in bed, he’d just expect you to do all the work,” she said.

She probably wasn’t wrong, but we’ll never know if the man at the bar drinking a Coors Banquet could please a woman the way she wants to be pleased.

The conversation inspired me to ask 16 women from my life and the Internet what they appreciate most from a man in bed, here are their answers:

1.  “I appreciate a guy that tends to my needs first before he *expects* me to put his dick in my mouth. It shows he cares a little more for me than just the sex and that he also cares about making me feel good in bed.” – Jess, 24

2.  “When the guy actually wants me to orgasm and is turned on by it rather than just focusing on himself getting off. That is not enjoyable and it doesn’t make me want to continue to have sex with him when he’s only focused on himself.” – Lacey, 23

3.  “When you can openly say what you like and they actually listen to you, instead just assuming I like what they’re doing, especially when it’s in the moment. It makes the connection better and it’s way more fun for both of us.” – Sara, 28

4.  ‘“I appreciate when a man communicates in bed. Silent sex is boring and awkward. I want to know that your world is being rocked, what you want more or less of, how good it all feels or asking me to ride you harder or who my pussy belongs to. That’s the kind of stuff that turns me on and makes it WAY more enjoyable.” – Catrina, 27

5.  “Open, honest, raw and real communication about wants, needs and desires without judgement.” – Julia, 36

6.  “The warmth that radiates from their body.” – Macy, 26

7.  “His voice when he cherishes me.” – Emily, 30

romantic couple

8.  “I appreciate when a man acknowledges other parts of my body than just my tits and ass. I know he’s enjoying my ass when he’s grabbing it but it would be nice to be reminded that he also thinks I’m beautiful or that he likes my eyes. It makes me feel like less of a just a body for him to fuck and more like he appreciates me.” – Kaitlyn, 33

9.  “FOREPLAY! I get that he can go from 0 to 100 real quick, but like, I don’t. I appreciate when a man is gentle and slow, instead of just trying to do it quickly (unless that is what we’re going for). I want foreplay, it makes everything feel better and makes me so much more into the sex.” – Bella, 26

10.  “I appreciate when a man takes control. I am strong and independent as hell, but the bedroom is the one and only place I want to be dominated by a man. I want him to be rough, to a healthy extent, and take control. That is so hot to me and such a turn on.” – Nicole, 34

11.  “A man who makes sure I also cum! I’m sick of dudes cumming then just flopping down beside me all out of breath. Like that’s awesome he just got a load off, but he better not think he’s done without making sure I’m taken care of. Not how it works, buddy.” – Rachel, 23

12.  “I appreciate a man who is willing to try new things with me in bed. Routine is boring, even in the bedroom. Doing missionary then finishing doggy style gets old REAL quick. I want some excitement and I appreciate a man who is also into switching things up and experimenting in the bedroom.” – Cheryl, 41

13.  “His praise telling me he likes what I’m doing. I enjoy giving him head but only when he communicates to me that he likes what I’m doing. It makes me feel really good and I appreciate his words of affirmation.” – Kylie, 25

14.  “When a man is aggressive with me, but only after we’ve communicated what we’d like to do to each other and are on the same page. It allows me to feel more comfortable with him and myself in bed.” – Michaela, 29

15.  “A guy who takes things slow and makes me feel special, when he kisses down my neck, whispers in my ear, tells me that I’m beautiful. Those things all make me feel so appreciated and confirms that I’m not just someone he wants to fuck but actually cares about. Sometimes it’s so easy to feel worthless in bed and like I don’t matter so when he does little things like that it shows me he really cares.” – Brooke, 24

16.  “When he stays and cuddles after! There is no worse feeling than when a guy comes over, has sex with you and leaves. When he stays and I know he enjoys spending time with me after it makes me feel so loved and cared for.”  – Suzy, 23

May this information empower you to new and exciting adventures!

For more ways to please women, check out: Tongue-Tied During Sex? Here’s the Sexy Talk Women Want to Hear.

How Ride-Shares are Completely Changing The One-Night Stand

by Ola Faletiin Sex, SEX TIPS

The trusty one-night stand. Whether you’re rebounding from a break up or just having some good old singles fun, it’s a way for we modern, single women to enjoy and empower ourselves (in all good, consensual fun of course).

Lucky for us things have become more convenient. Who needs a walk of shame when you could call a Lyft?

Rideshares have changed how we travel in major cities – traveling to and from one-night stands included. In the old days, after some horizontal hustling, you’d have to figure out how to call a cab home. Or feel obligated to spend the night. Thankfully the times have changed.

1. It’s easier to leave right after sex

There’s still awkward conversation around things, the nature of the conversation is just different. Are you spending the night? If not, what’s the correct time threshold post-coitus, to avoid maximum rudeness? Is it polite for the guy to call a Lyft? But you have Lyft on your phone, right?

While there are plenty of questions to dance around, having an affordable rideshare app on your phone is incredibly convenient. You have so many choices because the ball is, truly, in your court. I see nothing wrong with basking in some post-sex glory for a few minutes before saying, “This was fun, I hope you don’t mind if I call my Uber now.” No need to feel obligated to stay if you don’t want to.

If you’re going to dip early, be prepared to call your own Uber. It’s the 21st century and independent women can call their own rideshares. But maybe your partner, if willing, will offer to split.

2. It’s cheaper to make it to those last-minute booty calls

young-man-texting

You’re in bed one January night, tucked under a comforter and watching your favorite movie on Netflix when you get that text. You know the one. “Hey what are you up to?” “How are you?” “Wyd?  You look at the time. It’s 11pm. Where will this go?

When I get this text I usually opt to stay in bed because I’m lazy and don’t want to pay for a late night uber all the way to the far end of the city. But if you’ve got nothing better to do and have the energy for a late nighttime romp, go get your groove on!

If you live in a big city you even have Uber Pool or Lyft Line, which can cut your fare to a third of normal price, as long as you’re not in a hurry and don’t mind passengers along the way.

3) Speaking of Lyft Line and UberPOOL….More Dates?!

When I get into a shared rideshare, I tend to look at my phone or stare out my window awkwardly. Then again, I’ve never shared a ride with someone cute.

This suggestion is for the more bold/aggressive among you. If you’re feeling friendly you can strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. It might be hard for some to spark genuine, organic conversation, but you could make a new friend. Who knows, you might see yourself on the “Missed Connections” on Craigslist.  You’d be surprised to see how many of them come from Uber rides. If you’ve been thristing for some more dates, shared rideshares can be a goldmine.

As for starting up a conversation, if you live somewhere with terrible weather, that’s always an option. Traffic is another safe option. Or say you like their shoes. Being a little tipsy probably helps bring you out of your shell. The UberPOOL and Lyft Line are opening a whole new realm of relationship potential, if you’re looking for it.

4. Guess who cares about your sex life?

Lovers having a romantic walk

In 2014 Uber caught flack for tracking the prevalence of one-night stands in major cities (or, “Rides of Glory” as they called them). Then they posted their findings on the Uber blog.

After getting bad press and lawsuit threats, Uber took the information down. It’s still unsettling though. With the amount of our lives being tracked through our phones,  it could be a matter of time before this information is tracked again.

Companies collect information to improve the services they offer. Collecting data on when people like to get frisky can change the way they market, who they market to or areas that are perceived as “hot” zones for drivers. This could also mean an end to the clandestine fun of a one-night encounter. Don’t count on that happening anytime soon, but never say never.

Even so, our foremothers probably would’ve loved the chance to leave a less-than-satisfactory tryst on their own terms. The marvels of the modern age never cease.

 

Remember that we’re always here at LOVE TV to help you begin your next adventure in love. We are an empowering resource and guide for moving forward and finding new ways to love again.

5 Things you Didn’t know About Polyamorous Relationships

by Lacey McKennain LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS, Sex

I didn’t set out to be Polyamorous (poly). It just…sort of happened.

For the first 5 years of our marriage we were a pretty typical monogamous couple. One day, everything changed.

My husband told me he was attracted to a mutual friend of ours and she felt the same way. That was 5 years ago (and a few new lovers) ago.

Since then I’ve become a bit of an ambassador for this relationship style because it’s made me and my marriage better. So, here are some things you might not know about what it’s like to be in multiple loving relationships at the same time.

1. Polyamory is becoming more mainstream.

When CNN’s homepage features an article called Polyamory: When three isn’t a crowd and Business Insider features an article on how to make a polyamorous relationships work, you get the feeling this oddball thing might be going mainstream. The feeling was confirmed in a more scientific way when Google revealed that two of the top relationship searches of 2017 were about polyamory and open relationships.  

Stories of couples who looked the other way while their spouse slept with someone else are as old as the institution of marriage. And while the idea of openly dating and loving multiple people may be just as old, it’s only beginning to find acceptance in American culture today.

2. Poly relationships are different for everyone.

When my husband and I started down this path, one of the more difficult things was that we had no model for this kind of relationship. It wasn’t until then that I realized how much we learned about dating from “Saved by the Bell” and Seventeen magazine. We had others to tell us what we should and shouldn’t do. But with poly, we were pretty much on our own.

Sure, there’s Opening Up and The Ethical Slut. Even after reading that and more, it still felt like the blind leading the blind. As those books will tell you, there is no one right way to go about this.

Some couples never spend the night with their Other Significant Other (OSO), some couples have rules that they got to meet the OSO, other couples never want to meet or hear about the OSO. How were we supposed to know which rules were right for us?

There’s no easy answer. You just go with what feels right and occasionally make mistakes and learn from them that what you thought was acceptable doesn’t work after all.

3. Jealousy can be a challenge … sometimes.

Some poly people have a tough time with jealousy, others almost never experience it. I had a really tough time with jealousy in the beginning. But as I saw that my husband did come back to me, that our life wasn’t destroyed by his having a date with another woman, I began to trust him. And perhaps more importantly, I began to trust this new type of relationship.

Then I found someone. I truly felt comfortable having experienced, for myself, that I could date (and maybe even fall in love with), someone new who doesn’t  take anything away from my marriage.

These days, I don’t feel any more jealousy over my husband having a date than some other social obligation. I’m happy that he’s happy — really!

young couple in swimwear

4. Just like regular dating, it’s both fun and heartbreaking

When I started dating my OSO, I had been married for 6 years and had been with my now husband for 10. Falling in love with someone new was a seriously glorious experience. I never thought I would get the opportunity to feel the thrill of being asked by someone I liked on a date. “This is actually going to happen!”

Getting to know someone on that level was enlightening in so many ways. Most importantly, I learned a lot about myself and became more confident. My confidence grew not because I was dating but because there was something I wanted and I was courageous about going after it.

Of course, when that relationship ended I was heartbroken. And it’s been challenging to watch my husband be hurt. But we’ve grown closer and kinder to one another as we’ve supported each other through breakups. This benefit is one of the best things about polyamory; when you break up with someone, you aren’t alone!

5. It can be just as mundane as monogamy sometimes

Anyone practicing polyamory these days will tell you that scheduling can be the single most annoying part of the lifestyle. However, scheduling and time management is something we all navigate, poly or not.

Being stretched too thin and having too much to do is one of the less fantastic attributes of polyamory. But you probably already know what that’s like! Whether you’re spread too thin because of your kid’s ballet lessons or because you want time to spend with your OSO (or both), it’s a drag.

But you have the consolation of knowing that the reason (one of them at least) you’re so busy is because you’re doing something fun, enriching, and outside the bounds of what’s “normal.” “I don’t have as much time as I wish I did to have fabulous sex with my husband and my boyfriend” is a fun “problem” to have.

Exploring Your own Relationship Style

Whether you’re poly, thinking about being poly, or totally happy with monogamy, the good news is the world is becoming a more accepting place. Any relationship style is going to take some work and balance on your part but it’s always worth it in the end. Making connections with other wonderful people (however you go about it)  is what life is all about!

If you want to read more about polyamory check out Monogamy = Monotony?—Why Couples Go Rogue, Millions Trying Open Marriage, or How an Open Relationship Can Possibly Work.

Reclaiming Your Sex Life After the Big C — Cancer

by Maya Gottfriedin Body, Mind, Sex, SEX TIPS, Wellness

Cancer may change your body and stifle your drive, but you can still have a vibrant sex-life!

When I received a diagnosis of stage III colorectal cancer (with tumors in my colon and rectum) at the age of 36, questions flooded my mind. What were my chances of survival? How long would I be on chemotherapy? When would my surgeon cut the cancer out of me? I can admit now that one of them was even, “What exactly is my ‘colon’?”

This was life and death and I was in warrior mode. I was only concerned about living. Death, to me, was not an option. At least that was the philosophy I was invested in.

In the discussions I had with my surgeon, oncologist, nurses, and the many other helpful people at the hospital where I was treated, we spoke about side-effects of chemo (hair thinning, neuropathy, sensitivity to cold), how to manage my ileostomy bag (or a “poop bag” that would hang off my abdomen for a few months), we talked about my temporary low fiber diet, and we chatted about what to do if I spiked a fever.

However, nobody brought up the topic of my sex-life, or that my desire level might diminish.

My treatments left me with zero sex-drive.

Despite my usual crushes, soon after treatments began, I discovered that I had zero sexual drive. In addition to the lessened desire for physical intimacy, once I had a bag of my own human waste hanging from my belly, I definitely didn’t want anyone I was interested in seeing me in the nude.

I already had body image issues. I had gone through most of my life as a compulsive overeater, and for all of my adulthood had been uncomfortable with the appearance of my naked self. Now I was thin, due to chemo, and single. But I had a bag of excrement hanging off of me. It felt very unsexy, and definitely something I didn’t want to reveal to a new potential love.

Besides the bag, my hormones had reacted to the chemicals that coursed through my body to kill the cancer. I had no desire for sex.

Cancer often leads to body image challenges.

Women with breast cancer often have similar experiences. Having one’s breasts removed in order to save one’s life can result in a negative self image (this is, admittedly, a simplification of a very complex experience for women), and a feeling of no longer being feminine or sexually attractive.

Some women even go without a potentially life-saving mastectomy in favor of keeping the breasts they feel are absolutely necessary in order to find love. However, many people love women who don’t have breasts, and those without them find partners who adore them. We can maintain our sexuality even with seeming insurmountable physical challenges to our sense of sexiness.

However, a diminished sexual desire during cancer may have nothing to do with our appearance, but instead be a physical symptom of the medical treatments we are experiencing to save our lives. Breast cancer treatments, for example, can actually cause vaginal pain that makes intercourse painful for many women.

Young sick woman smelling a fresh flower from her husband

A diminished drive may remain after the cancer is gone.

Once we come out the other side, and finish our cancer-related treatments and surgeries, challenges to our sex drives may continue. In some cases, the loss of sexual desire is without a concrete medical explanation, or solution.

However, there is a lot we can do to bring sexy back into our lives, and work with our partners to create a pleasurable experience for ourselves once again.

We can reclaim our sex-lives during and after cancer.

Though treatments, surgeries, and poop bags can pose challenges to our sexuality, they are not insurmountable. With a little creativity, persistence, and patience, we can have sex lives while we fight for our lives.

Whether we’ve lost our breasts or are flaunting an ileostomy bag, the dramatic physical changes we go through to rid ourselves of cancer can make us feel like we’re not our sexy selves. That just means we may need to go deep inside, and also use some handy tools.

If you feel unsexy due to an outward physical change, try looking at yourself in a mirror and focusing what you love about your body–making a mental list. What about your beautiful skin, your glowing eyes, your gentle touch? These are all very sexy. There’s no need to stay locked into conventional ideas of what makes a body desirable. Your body has been revised, so why not update your ideas about it?

Whatever you are feeling, you can have a romantic life.

Lingerie is fun, flirty, sexy, and lets us reveal what we want to reveal when we want to reveal it. Some talented and thoughtful designers have created lingerie for women with bodies altered by cancer.

Jasmine Stacey has made gorgeous, sexy underthings in beautiful fabrics that are specific designed for people with ostomies (like my ileostomy). Royce Lingerie makes bras with women who have had mastectomies in mind (with pockets for prostheses). However, many women are opting to go flat these days, and if that group includes you, you may want to experiment with fun flimsy lace camisoles that don’t require a breast or something shaped like one.

When chemo has you feeling like you just need to lay in bed and get some rest, but you want to spend time with your partner, you can explore a romantic mental space together. Why not go on an imagined date? Try cuddling and talking your way through what you would do together if you felt up to it. Where would you go? What foreign country? Which great national park would you hike in together? What do you see?

Painful vaginal sex due to breast cancer treatments may mean that it’s the last thing you want to engage in. However, there are a lot of ways to be physically intimate that don’t involve vaginal intercourse. Oral sex and stimulation using our hands are easy tools to use when other forms of intercourse are not in play. If you do want to try vaginal sex, then there are many lubricants on the market that may make it easier.

Whatever your situation is, be sure to communicate your experience with your partner. Though your symptoms may be obvious to you, they may not be to the person who you are involved with. Gently letting them know your sensitivities and needs will help them to treat you in a caring way.

Sick wife hugging husband after successful therapy against brain cancer

Even without a medical explanation for your lack of interest in sex, there is something you can do.

One thing I learned from my cancer is that even long after the treatments are behind you, even once you are used to the scars, cancer can cause a diminished sex drive, which was my experience. I went to a specialist and found no good medical explanation or cure. It was up to me to find a way to cope with it.

The greatest gift I received during this process was advice to simply jump into romance and follow the feelings that come up. It worked, and when my body is just not making the sexual connection for me, I make it in my mind, and the physical usually followed.

If I put on some beautiful lingerie, look at my handsome boyfriend, think about his wonderful qualities, and dive in, soon those old feelings start to bubble to the surface.

As it turns out, despite those scars on my abdomen: the big vertical line where my surgeon cut out my cancer and the shorter kiss of red where my bag hung off of me, my partner loves my belly. The part of me I could barely bear to look at following my cancer is one that he loves.

Let others love you.

When we decide for others that we aren’t sexy, we don’t give them the opportunity to show us how much they are attracted to us. Whether we have lost our breasts or have a body covered in scars, others can still desire us.

If we “no” ourselves before giving others the opportunity to say, “yes” we may reject love before it finds us. If we have faith that we are sexual human beings deserving of pleasure, with or without cancer, then we open ourselves up to love, romance, and a healthy sexy life.

For more about dating while living with cancer, read this story by the same author.

The Best Lingerie for Hard to Find Sizes Just in Time for Valentine’s Day

by Kate Oczypokin Sex, SEX TIPS

If you’re anything like me, finding lingerie that fits can be hard.

I am a plus-sized woman with small breasts. I have larger hips and broad shoulders, but am narrower in between there. Finding lingerie can often be a nightmare. I’m sure many of you can relate.

Two years ago, I had the opportunity to meet plus-size model Ashley Graham through a work event. I immediately felt the need to approach her and tell her thank you—thank you for being a role model, for showing me that it’s so important to feel comfortable in your own skin. She told me that having confidence comes from within, then she told me I was gorgeous. I’ll never forget that brief meeting and very time I see Ashley modeling lingerie, I remember I can do that too if I really wanted to!

If your wish is to look extra sexy this Valentine’s Day, here are six different body types and some recommendation pieces of lingerie for those hard to find sizes.

1. For plus-sized women with smaller breasts.

I recommend Torrid for plus-size lingerie for women with smaller breasts who may still have larger band sizes. This gorgeous red and white bra and panty set perfect for Valentine’s Day goes up to size 44B. If a seriously sexy black is more your style, you’ll want to try this set that also goes to 44B.

2. For curvy women with large breasts.

Valentine's Day Lingerie for curvy women

Curvy women with larger breasts who want something on trend and provocative enough for Valentine’s Day, Lane Bryant is a wonderful option. This provocative strapless number was such a best-seller it’s only available in a size 40G—perfect for curvier ladies. If your wish is for something a little more unexpected, this fishnet lace high-neck French balconette bra is a great choice.

3. For ladies with small busts.

Small busts have just as much problems as larger ones trying to find the perfect piece of lingerie for a special night like Valentine’s Day. Luckily, sites like Agent Provocateur carry plenty of sizes for our smaller breasted brethren. There’s even a gorgeous Valentine’s Day collection!

4. For long and lean ladies.

I’ve always adored Aerie and their cute choices for undergarments. If you’re planning on a low-key Valentine’s Day give one of their pieces a try. This day to play plunge push-up comes in a provocative black and this padded plunge bralette is a casual way to take Valentine’s Day off and enjoy it in bed with your partner.

5. For short and curvy girls.

Valentine's day lingerie

The tried and true Victoria’s Secret has so many choices, many of which short and curvy girls will find a good fit. There’s a sexy floral lace plunge teddy perfect for Valentine’s evening that comes in five different colors. There’s also a simple and sweet satin and lace slip that’s a sure bet for a fun Valentine’s Day (or any day for that matter!).

6. For larger-hipped ladies.

Hips & Curves has sizes from large all the way to 6x. Larger hips are accommodated with absolutely stunning lingerie like this Mon Amour Charmeuse Corset. Flatter hips with pieces like this tie bust babydoll with rhinestone buckle and marabou.

Shopping for lingerie doesn’t have to be frustrating.

Hard to find sizes don’t have to be hard to find with this list of great places for gorgeous lingerie. Whether you have large breasts or are long and lean, there’s something for everyone.

Make this Valentine’s Day one to remember with spectacular lingerie.

Interested in proposing this Valentine’s Day? Check out our ideas in this piece.

Where to Find Last-Minute Valentine’s Lingerie Just in Time for the Day of Love

by Rae Meghanin Sex, SEX TIPS

It’s possible to have a steamy Valentine’s Day without breaking the bank.

V-day is just around the corner, and you know what that means, having a little extra bit of fun with your partner. You obviously want to look the part, but say you’ve found yourself mere days away from Valentine’s Day without any sort of lingerie to commemorate the holiday.

What can you do at this point to make your look extra-special? Here are a few suggestions to make your day great, even at the last minute.

Amazon Prime

Valentine's day lingerie on amazon

I swear by Amazon Prime for absolutely everything. Cheap prices, no extra fees, and quick shipping times are more than enough reason to rely on Amazon for any holiday shopping. Personally, I buy all of my burlesque costumes and lingerie here, as there is obviously a very wide selection.

Whether you want your Valentine’s Day look to be extra shimmery, long and lacy, or in the spirit of the holiday itself, you can find almost anything on Amazon to suit any of your Valentine’s Day needs. Why not pick up some roses while you’re at it?

Target

Another quick-and-easy go-to. It seems Target stores are everywhere, and they are a seriously underrated source for any sort of clothing. Lingerie is no different. They have a wide selection of basic lingerie for a reasonable price.

Targets are also pretty reliable in their stock from store to store, so if you’re worried about shipping, it’s safe to say that you can find what you need locally. If not, shipping is free with orders over $35, and can be delivered in two days.

Check out this Gilligan and O’Malley babydoll lingerie. The beautiful red velvet is perfect for V-Day, and is sure to impress your lover. Or, if you’re looking for something a little less conventional, try this velvet and lace bodysuit. It’s easy to hide under your clothing, so it’s perfect for surprising your S.O. when you get home from date night.

Yandy

Yandy valentine's day lingerie

One of the most unique and lesser-known online lingerie sources is Yandy.com. With its wide selection, it’s easy to see why it’s so many peoples’ first choice when it comes to undergarment shopping. Lingerie sets average about $30, with about $7 flat-rate shipping (usually two to three days), so while it isn’t the cheapest, it’s certainly a reliable option.

The variety that comes with Yandy is almost overwhelming. The amount of choices in color, style, and material allows you to find exactly what you might need for Valentine’s Day. You can go traditional, like this vibrant red bustier, or try something a little different, like this lace harness teddy. And keep an eye out for coupon codes- they’re pretty easy to find on the site.

Frederick’s of Hollywood

Frederick’s has always been a staple in the lingerie game, and continues to produce high-quality and classy intimate wear. While your local mall might be a good bet in finding a Frederick’s store, their website is currently advertising 50% off all Valentine’s Day wear with $10 flat-rate shipping. They clearly want to make sure you get your lingerie in time for the big day, showing that they truly care about their customers.

There is an excellent amount of variety on their website when it comes in intimate apparel. Their Red Hot Sexy Lingerie collection boasts a number of fiery red numbers, while their Sheer Seduction line produces elegant and lacy robes, teddies, and corsets. Also check out their Megan Fox Collection, full of crushed velvet and an array of colors.

Make sure your Valentine’s Day is a sexy one this year. You may not be able to justify investing in that expensive Victoria’s Secret bodysuit for just one day, so try looking in one of these places to find that special piece that won’t drain your wallet. If all else fails, try looking in your local sex shop. No matter what the cost may be, it is possible for you to find something that works beautifully for you, not just for the sake of your partner, but also as a confidence booster for yourself.

If you’re looking for Valentine’s lingerie in different sizes, check out The Best Lingerie for Hard to Find Sizes Just in Time for Valentine’s Day.

Will #MeToo Spur a Sex-Ed Revolution for American Youth?

by Ola Faletiin Sex, SEX TIPS

It’s not just about learning how to use condoms — and it never was.

When I think of my introduction to sex-ed, I think of weekday mornings in a stuffy seventh grade classroom, with diagrams of male and female reproductive anatomy.

Our teacher was a kind, dark-haired woman who entertained the questions our pubescent selves would anonymously drop in a box before each class. Things like “how much pubic hair is too much pubic hair” and “is it ok to be attracted to older men.”

I feel lucky to say that I actually learned a lot from these sessions. We covered the common and lesser known bodily anatomy (think vas deferens) while talking about our changing bodies.

One subject we absolutely did not discuss was consent. I don’t remember a unit on it, or even discussion of rape except maybe a token, brief no means no mention.

We didn’t have a unit on consent in my high school sex ed class, either. Both classes were over ten years ago.

Over the past five years, talk of sexual assault on college campuses has been covered in various news outlets. However,  2017 was the year when floodgates, seemingly, burst open. With each new account and each new accusation of men in power abusing it in the worst ways, more questions surfaced: what are we teaching our men and boys? What kind of society tolerates, even becomes accustomed to, so much sexual violence?

A patriarchal one. #MeToo is a glaring sign that a greater shift needed to happen. Not just hashtags, and protests, but fundamental education too. Sex-ed is a great place for that shift to happen.

Sex-ed in the United States remains contentious because for one, it doesn’t exist everywhere.

Eleven U.S. states don’t require any sex education in schools. The religious right is adamant in believing that any non abstinence-only education will lead to premarital sex. The U.S. education system is in shambles as is. So why even invest the resources in better sex-ed programs?

More than 20% of children are sexually abused before the age of 8. If anything, it’s more imperative that they learn the consent talk early.

I have clear memories of pre-school, being chased on a playground by a group of boys, with them catching me and attempting to pull down my skorts. This behavior isn’t uncommon. It isn’t even frowned upon. It’s saying “boys will be boys,” to the detriment of all genders.

Consent is not too complicated for toddlers to understand. They learn to share toys and space with others, why shouldn’t they learn the same with bodies?

Teaching anatomy only isn’t enough.

teaching children sex education

The young generation has unprecedented access to pornography and sexual media. In the information age, these kids are “informed” in many ways that previous generations were not. But pornography doesn’t teach consent. Most TV programs don’t teach consent either. And that’s a problem.

Sex education can only work if its teachings are being enforced by society at large. With an alleged rapist occupying the highest U.S. office, the recent near-election of an accused child rapist, and dozens, thousands, millions of victims whose voices go unheard, sex education in this country will need a stronger support than grassroots organizations.

On the other hand, can there even be a curriculum for teaching consent? While it’s easy to think of it as a black-and-white area, it’s not. Not when consent (or lack thereof) is non-verbal, and not when both parties or intoxicated, or not when one party regrets the sex in the moment but does not communicate that to their partner.

I wish my sex ed classes covered how to say no when you’ve changed your mind about sex, and how to communicate what you’re willing and not willing to do. At the very least, discussed it.

Those are good starting points for teaching young people about consent. My hope for this generation is that it will be the last to be silenced by sexual trauma. I believe a sex-ed revolution is on the rise, but it’s more of a question of whether or not a sex ed revolution is enough.

More like this, A New Way to Help Teens Foster Healthy Dating Habits and Relationships, A Consent Uprising and My Own Sexual Assault, or What You’re Getting Wrong About Sex Positivity

Becoming Sex Positive: The Tentative Journey of a ‘Good Girl’

by Lacey McKennain LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS, Sex, SEX TIPS

Turns out the world (and sex) is less scary and more fun than I was told.

My husband and I have known each other for about 15 years and are polyamorous. But we didn’t start out that way. We opened our marriage up about 5 years ago and it has been a journey of self-discovery for both of us.

It’s also been a journey into a more sex positive philosophy for me. Sex-positivity is a philosophy of human sexuality that regards all consensual sexual activities as healthy and pleasurable, encouraging sexual pleasure and experimentation rather than shaming it.

Growing up as a so-called good southern girl

I grew up in a small town in a conservative state. I also grew up watching “The Princess Bride” and “The Little Mermaid” so my ideas of love and romance (and sex when I grew older) were rooted in tradition. When I got married at 25 I was proud of the fact that I had only slept with two guys. It pains me to write this now but I thought that made me better than women who had “slept around.”

I look back on that and realize how archaic that is. I can also trace that attitude to what I now consider to misogynistic ideas of females and even rape culture. “Good girls don’t show a lot of skin” and “good girls don’t sleep with lots of guys.” Who is deciding what number constitutes “lots” anyway?

As I approached 30, I began reading some pretty salacious books thanks to ereaders and the proliferation of erotic romance. Without fully acknowledging it, I started to wonder if I had missed out on something having dated so little.

I truly was happy with my marriage or didn’t wish I’d ended up somewhere different. But I did start to wish I’d had more varied experiences along the way to my happy marriage. This is one of the reasons poly was a good fit for my husband and me.

Good southern girl

Also, check out LOVE TV’s A Beginner’s Guide To Ethical Non Monogamous Relationships. 

The good southern girl starts to explore

My first dating experience as a married woman was with a friend. It took me six months to admit to myself that I felt something for him and another 3 months to really do anything about it. But once I realized that the feeling wasn’t one-sided, the flood gates opened.

I threw myself into that relationship with abandon, knowing that it would end someday and that ending might be difficult. But I didn’t care. I’d spent so much time second guessing myself that it felt amazing to let go.

Once I got married I never thought I’d have sex with another man. I never thought to grow close with another man. I never thought I’d make French toast naked in someone else’s kitchen after a leisurely morning of sex. That relationship did end but I am grateful for all i learned from it.

All of this was a whole new world for me. For someone who never broke the rules, I was breaking lots of them and having crazy (for me) amounts of fun.

The good southern girl discovers the enrichment of new experiences

If this was so much fun, what other amazing experiences had I missed out on? Everyone else complained about dating. Even knowing that, I wanted to know what that experience was like. I wanted firsthand experience with the highs and lows of dating.

They say variety is the spice of life and I am only beginning to experience that variety. What else can I experience that will help me learn about the world? What can relationships with others help me learn? And what I can learn about myself in the process? I am excited about the possibilities.

Is this what they meant by “The world is your oyster?”

Life begins outside your comfort zone

I didn’t set out to find a casual sex partner but that’s what I did. Through online dating I met a man who was fun, smart, and pushed me into new experiences just enough. And although I wasn’t ready to open up with all my desires, he taught me new things and new a surprising amount about my body considering how long we hadn’t known each other. Casual sex? Check.

I vacationed in Europe one summer, most of it with my husband. I did however have a few nights on my own. I set a goal for myself to have a one night stand. It would be fun to sleep with a sexy European.

Thanks to the wonders of Tinder, I achieved my goal. After talking to a man for a few hours, I agreed to meet him. We went to a bar not far away and after a few drinks, I asked him if he wanted to come back to my room. I hope we didn’t bother the neighbors too much! It was fun and exactly what I wanted, only better. One night stand? Check. Affair (albeit short) with a sexy Italian guy? Check.

good southern girl makes out with cowboy

Lessons of your youth should die a slow death

I still have moments where I judge myself for my wants and desires. And I fear the judgement of others. But I know that’s the “Good Girl” talking and I have learned a lot about the world that she was never taught.

Being sex positive isn’t always easy for me. But I have close friends I can confide in and it helps to hear that they too have similar feelings and work to overcome them.

Missed opportunities turned into fully appreciated opportunities

I have moments when I regret that my world didn’t get bigger until my 30s. I said as much to one of my lovers. He told me he thought of it as “waiting until we could fully appreciate and learn from new experiences, and be mature enough have those experiences safely.”

That statement has really stuck with me. Would I have appreciated all the world has to offer in my 20’s? Would I have been responsible with these new experiences? It’s easy to regret not finding all this out when I was younger but regret is a waste of time. And I am all about maximizing my time and sucking the marrow out of life.

 

If you’re thinking about opening up your marriage or exploring new adventures in your marriage, become a full member of LOVE TV and talk with love gurus and relationship experts about your love and your life. 

5 Natural or Holistic Ways to Increase Your Libido and Work Your Way Back Into Love

by Nikki Yeagerin Sex, SEX TIPS

These all-natural tips can help you reignite the fire in your bedroom by tackling the common causes of libido loss.

At six weeks after the birth of my child my doctor gave me the green light for sex. Six months after that I still found myself creating excuses to avoid the bedroom. As a new mother, I was completely drained of mental and emotional resources, with nothing left to give my partner at the end of the day.

However, even after I regained some semblance of my normal sleep schedule and my life returned to what I considered normal, one thing never returned: my libido.

It turns out, I’m not alone. While my experience was related to the birth of a child, most people experience regular ups and downs when it comes to sexual desire. A loss of libido will happen to most people at least once throughout their lives.

If you need some extra help with your relationships, cut through all of the noise by joining LOVE TV today.

Here are some natural ways you can handle it:

1.  Rose Essential Oil:

rose oil to increase libido

Rose oil is said to be incredibly calming and can help reduce anxiety levels which may be contributing to your lack of sex drive.

Throughout the history of aromatherapy, roses have shown up as an aphrodisiac. In fact, in ancient Roman times, men would sprinkle these flower petals on the beds of new brides to prepare them for their wedding nights.  

However, rose is more expensive than other essential oils. To use this remedy without breaking the bank, buy a small bottle of a pre-made essential oil blend including it. Dab this mixture on the inside of your wrists and/or the backs of your ears before a date or before getting in bed.

2.  Reflexology:

reflexology to increase your Libido

A good foot rub can be excellent foreplay. It can also help regulate hormone levels that may be wreaking havoc on your sex drive.

According to some holistic practitioners, pressing  specific points on the feet may help stimulate the hypothalamus, pituitary gland and ovaries, all of which contribute to the hormonal aspect of desire.

To find the correct points, make an appointment with a local reflexologist who can give you and your partner a quick lesson on which parts of the foot correspond to which body systems. For those who prefer a more DIY approach, a quick internet search should do the trick.

3.  Meditation:

meditate to increase your Libido

Two major reasons for loss of libido are distraction and stress, both of which are in high supply in modern American life.

The good news is that meditation may help focus your thoughts on the present and alleviate anxiety.

To start, find five to fifteen minutes in a day when  you can sit in a comfortable, quiet space. Noise cancelling headphones or relaxing meditation soundtracks are a good option for those in loud environments. As you’re sitting, breath in and out deeply and slowly, focusing on each breathe.

A mantra can also be helpful. For example, say something that makes you feel empowered and confident like, “I am beautiful” or “I love myself.” Repeat the mantra as you exhale.

Once you feel relaxed and focused, spend time paying attention to your body. Mentally check in with each part of yourself starting from your head, moving to your toes. Examine what hurts and what feels good. This can help you reconnect with your physical self, despite any changes that may occur from weight change, pregnancy, or exercise.

After meditation, many people find themselves calm and focused, which is a good time to ask your partner if he or she would like to play.

4.  Exercise:

exercise to increase libido

As a long-time runner, I know just how important exercise is for mental and emotional health. After all, endorphin output increases when your heart rate does. These feel-good hormones can help increase sex drive and, according to Mayo Clinic, decrease symptoms of depression (which can include a loss of libido).

If you think depression may be the reason for your decreased sex drive, check in with your doctor right away.

In the meantime, you can start integrating tiny workouts into your daily routine no matter how busy you are. For example, I didn’t have time to run after becoming a new mom so I started walking up the stairs to my apartment rather than taking an elevator.

Instead of bouncing my little one to calm him down, I did squats while holding him. Thankfully, YouTube has dozens of 15 minute workouts so even the most time-crunched people can squeeze in a fitness session. My favorites include any short session from the free Fitness Blender series.

5.  African Waist Beads:

waist-bead

From a less scientific perspective, body jewelry and lingerie can help you feel good about yourself, just like exercise. African waist beads are one alternative to traditional lingerie that may help women feel sexy. For >$15 – $20 a set, these are also much more affordable than a fancy neglige.

These beaded strings are worn around the waist and some sets have clay or porous beads that allow wearers to add scents – like rose essential oil – to increase appeal. In some cultures, these are used to signal when a woman is fertile or turned on. She might don her beads when she’s trying to attract her partner or gently rattle them to signal that she’s “in the mood”.

These might also help increase the drive of her partner as he or she learns to associate the sound or sight of the beads with arousal, turning it into a Pavlov’s dogs situation, but for sex instead of food.

I found these incredibly helpful as I didn’t always have the confidence to tell my partner when I was ready to romp around. Instead, I could use these beads as a signal, while also feeling sexy.

No matter which of these methods works for you, communication with your partner is always a top priority when it comes to sex and desire. Share your feelings and needs as they continue to change so both sides feel satisfied and included in the conversation.