LOVE Archives - Page 30 of 36

Could The Eclipse Still Have An Effect On Your Relationship?

September 20, 2017January 22, 2024 by Meg Scanlonin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

The planets and solar eclipse may affect our love lives here on earth. Here’s how.

On August 21, 2017, we experienced a very rare and very cool natural phenomenon: a solar eclipse. Hopefully, you went out there at the designated time for your city and put on your NASA approved solar shades. Or maybe you made a homemade viewing device out of cereal boxes or tin foil and caught a glimpse of this amazing moment.

But, did you know that astrologists believe that this event can have a major impact on your personal life and relationships? Maybe you experienced some of this solar eclipse astrology first hand? Was it good, bad, or ugly? Maybe all three?

But first — here’s how to think about astrology.

We all know our sign. We may even ask people what their sign is (although hopefully not as a cheesy pick up line). But what does it really mean? Is it really a player in our everyday lives?

According to astrology, our individual birth dates profoundly impact who we are. CafeAstrology.com explains it as, “the study of the correlation between the astronomical positions of the planets and events on earth.” It’s the energetic connection between all things.

For those who use horoscopes, they see it as about knowing yourself from a specific sense and using that information to live your best life. “[Understanding ourselves] and others through the astrological lens makes us more capable of healing, compassion and forgiveness” says AstrologyHub.com. “And a deep understanding of your basic blueprint gives you permission to express, with uncensored abandon, your unique gifts and talents in the world.”

Astrology is more than just horoscopes, however — it has a long history. Astrologer and journalist Donna Woodwell expresses, “Astrology is a vast and ancient art. Some form of astrology is practiced by many indigenous cultures around the world as they’ve sought to discover meaningful connections in the appearance of events in the sky with humanity’s more mundane world.” When you view it through this sense, it is a very cool metaphor for our connection to nature and the cosmos.

Solar eclipse astrology is known to bring about change and shake things up in our lives.

Donna Woodwell explains that “eclipses are all about working with shadows. A solar eclipse is literally the Moon’s shadow falling on the surface of the Earth. Metaphorically speaking, eclipses then are moments when we must face our individual and collective shadow, to allow us to find healing through a new level of understanding.”

Wow! This is getting real! Relationships can be our greatest teachers. They can mirror back to us what we may be too fearful to look inside and see within. They can bring light to our biggest fears and unhealed emotional wounds. Eclipses are about change and moving us forward. They are often a major turning point for us. They bring the truth out into the light.

Eclipses are seen as bringing big life events with them.

Astrologer Susan Miller states, “An eclipse can bring news of a birth of a baby, an engagement or marriage, a promotion or career breakthrough, important travel, the signing of a vital business contract, or the start of one’s own business.” She adds, “Monumental events, meetings and partings, or changes within your career may also take place at an eclipse.”

Solar eclipses bring about positive changes and beginnings. So look out for positive steps forward in a relationship, new career opportunities and other new adventures.

An important person may be literally “eclipsed” out of your life.

Susan Miller explains, “A solar eclipse generally points to a prominent male in your life, so often a man may leave. If you are to be affected, you may break up a relationship with a man, or see that your boss has quit and is leaving, as another example.”

The symbolism! Now that your heart is racing, here’s some relief — Miller says that it only happens occasionally. So while not highly likely, you should be aware that the change that comes could possibly be of the painful variety. And sometimes people being eclipsed out of our lives is a necessary, albeit difficult, change.

Eclipses don’t affect everyone the same, and for some it may be ongoing.

Susan Miller explains that not all of these changes will affect every person. She goes into the details here. The specifics have to do with your birthdate, sign, personal chart, and other factors.

So, too, will the timeline of effects be different for everyone. Maharani Rutan, a certified Vedic Reader, says “it is often noted that things which happen, focusing around the eclipse do not happen on the day of the eclipse, but could reasonably happen months later as triggers of other events or planetary changes interacting with changes.”

So keep on the lookout for these happenings in your life and relationships. Maybe you noticed things on the day, a few days later, or maybe some surprises are still to come!

For more reading on our astrological love lives, check out “Time for Feathers?! Date Ideas for the Chinese Year of the Rooster” or “7 Rules For Tapping Your Intuition in Love.”

When You Say “I Do,” Does That Mean “I Do Take Your Name?”

October 5, 2017January 22, 2024 by ElisaShoenbergerin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

For women, a name change after marriage went from being an assumed practice to a contentious subject in the past few decades.

Following the feminist foment of the 70s, many women opted against a name change after marriage. Now in the first few decades of the 21st century, the issue is unclear. Some women elect to change their name while others come up with compromises such as hyphenation or decline altogether.

When I envisioned marriage, I had always assumed that I would take my husband’s name.

I hadn’t spent a long time thinking about weddings. It was always a passing thought as I imagined what it would be to take my then boyfriend’s name. However, as I was planning my wedding, the choice didn’t’ seem so clear.

There were certainly advantages to taking my husband’s name. My maiden name “Shoenberger” was constantly misspelled and a perennial issue my entire life as I have to check under both Shoenberger and Schoenberger. Moreover, when I was a child with a learning disability, the length of the name certainly made my life more challenging. My fiancé’s name was a mere four letters.

On the other hand, I had seen women around me go through the process of changing their name.

Coworkers went through the painful process of getting their identification cards, credit cards, and other signifiers of the modern world changed. I watched them juggling birth certificates, social security cards, marriage certificates and even a misspelled new driver’s license.

The worst case scenario was when I heard about an acquaintance who had missed out on a prestigious scholarship in the 70s because there was confusion over her maiden and married names. I also knew of several women who had gotten divorced but decided not to change their names back to their maiden names.

In a few instances, I had heard stories of acquaintances and friends around me that told me that taking their husband’s name was a deal breaker. If they didn’t take the name, their husband-to-be wouldn’t proceed with the wedding. The prospect of having a showdown like that was daunting.

But it was more than just the hassle of changing one’s name. There was a matter of legacy.

I know that some women had taken the custom of taking their maiden name and making it their middle name. However, I didn’t relish this.

My grandfather did not have any male children so his name is only passed on through the middle names of several grandchildren. I was immensely proud of bearing his name. As I thought about it more, I felt the same way about my last name. I wanted it to go forward, (even though I had a half-brother who also bore it). I realized how proud I was of it, misspellings and all.

I decided to keep my name.

Thankfully, my then fiancé, now husband, had no thoughts on the matter. It was up to me, he told me. Which is exactly how it should be. My parents felt the same way as did my in-laws.

My grandmother, however, was aghast. For months up to and after my wedding, she’d bring it up every time I’d see her, making a face. She would always say, “I was proud of taking my husband’s name.” She strongly disapproved. But she was the only one who has overtly commented on my choice.

I talked to two other women about their decisions to take or not take their husband’s’ names. The first decided against it.

She told me, “I kept my name first and foremost because I have a professional standing with my unmarried name and my professional life would become disjointed if I changed names.”

Another reason she wanted to keep her name was to also keep her autonomy. She feared “that the second I became a wife, suddenly what I had done with my life no longer mattered.” In keeping her name, she felt it valued her and her husband as separate and accomplished people.

When I asked her how her decision was received, she told me: “[My husband] and his family were not happy. [He] really wanted me, at first, to change my name. That it was the “right” thing to do and that this is just how it is done.

“His family was not pleased either. They thought it was an affront that I didn’t take his name. I told them in no uncertain terms that if their son loved me and I loved him, that it didn’t matter one iota. This wasn’t the dark ages, and I have a career to myself under my given name.

“My friends really don’t care. All those people that have known me since high school, college, masters, law school, they just saw it as me being me… His friends, however, are far more traditionalist… I don’t want a traditionalist role, why should I have to have a traditionalist household? If there’s no law against it, it’s my life. I get to make the rules.”

I talked to another woman who did change her name.

I asked her why she made the decision and she said that the biggest factor was that she felt her maiden name was very generic. “My last name was shortened,” she said. “It’s an immigration thing. A lot of names were shortened to the same syllable… My name is the Jewish female equivalent of John Smith.” She added, “[my husband’s name] is pretty. It has a musical sound. If I had married someone else [with a different last name], I would not have.”

I asked what her family or now husband felt about the issue. She said, “The most important thing was that my family didn’t assume one way or another. Probably thought I wouldn’t. It was just completely my choice. If anyone had felt one way or another, I would have done the opposite. [My husband] didn’t care at all. If anything, he was surprised. Didn’t think I would actually put in the effort to do it.”

She said she didn’t face any personal backlash for changing her name, but she did encounter a lot of negative opinions online about the practice being anti-feminist — a viewpoint with which she disagrees. “As long as it is a choice, to make a choice is feminist,” she said. And then she added: “You can’t say it makes me the property of my husband any more than my maiden name made me the property of my dad.”

Ultimately, considering a name change after marriage should be one’s own.

That’s what feminism is really supposed to be about. Choice.

How Will and Grace Changed the Way We See Relationships

October 20, 2017January 22, 2024 by Jillian Pretzelin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Will and Grace was always funny, sexy, and clever — but it was also incredibly inclusive when it comes to relationships.

Will and Grace is back, and I couldn’t be more excited. I’ve always loved the show. I cried when it ended, I reminisced over reruns, and I threw a party in my head when I heard of its return.

I loved it not just because it was hilarious and fun — I loved how it called out societal problems and represented real, modern relationships. The show addressed issues with laughter and wit — something I think is needed now, more than ever.

Back when the series started in 1998, Will and Grace was not only a big step for representation for the gay community, but it was a huge step for modern and non-traditional relationships in general. So many shows at the time had a story that went like this: a boy and a girl like each other, they go back and forth about getting together, and eventually end up getting married (just in time for the series finale).

Meanwhile, Will and Grace depicted relationships that we rarely saw on TV.

It defied the traditional romance story, and recognized that in the real world, there are so many different kinds of relationships. Some people are gay, some people are straight. Some take a lot longer to find love while some find themselves in troubled marriages.

It was a big deal to see Will and Jack’s dating lives on the show because same-sex relationships didn’t have that kind of representation before then. Sure, there were gay people on TV, but they were usually secondary characters or guest spots in episodes that dealt with the drama of them coming out. Such episodes would usually feature the character’s family and friends accepting (or not accepting) them, then the gay character would often disappear, returning the show’s focus to the straight characters and their relationships.

Just the fact that we could see the men in Will and Grace date around, find love, and experience heartbreak just like everyone else on TV, was amazing.

The show was groundbreaking for the gay community, but it was important for women’s relationships, too.

The other two main characters, Grace and Karen, didn’t follow the mold of other leading ladies at the time.

At the time the show came out, most female leads fell into two categories. One type was the young, fun, and pretty ingenue who searched for love and eventually ended up getting together with either a supportive guy friend or a long-time crush (Boy Meets World, The Nanny). The other was the nagging wife and mother who spent most of the show telling her husband to do something (and getting mad when he didn’t), taking the kids to soccer practice, and arguing with other moms (Married with Children, Everybody Loves Raymond). Karen and Grace weren’t either of these.

Grace was struggling in relationships, but was in a different situation than the bright-eyed high school or college-aged ingenue searching for “the one.” She was a little older, quirky, had a successful design business, and a lot of trouble finding love. She went on bad dates, had strained relationships, and was even cheated on by her husband.

Meanwhile, Karen was married, but wasn’t the “happy housewife” we so often saw in other shows. She was fun-loving and wild, but had real problems in her marriage. She was faced with boredom, had a strained relationship with her step-kids, and wondered if her marriage would last.

These characters, with their issues and quirks, seemed so much more like modern women I knew than a lot of what I’d seen on TV before.

They had complicated relationships and difficult problems, and they showed different options for a woman’s romantic life. Grace and Karen’s lives weren’t simple, and maybe they didn’t represent most women’s relationship goals, but I think these characters brought something real and honest to television.

When I heard about the Will and Grace reboot, I couldn’t wait to see what had happened in the characters’ lives. Those of us that loved the show before couldn’t wait to see what our old friends were doing, but we were also excited to see how they would work with today’s romantic climate.

So far, I haven’t been disappointed. In just the first few episodes, we’ve seen Grace struggling to move on after a divorce, Will dealing with the question of dating outside his political party, and Will and Jack realizing their age when they try to go out with millennial guys. These issues seem real for these characters, but are also current to the modern relationship scene.

In the 11 years Will and Grace has been off the air, relationships have changed.

Online dating is huge and relationship expectations have evolved. Plus, there’s so much potential in exploring middle-aged and older character’s relationships in a time when more and more people find themselves divorced, widowed, or still single later in life. There’s much to explore, so many angles to analyze and critique, and I can’t think of a better team to do it.

Although it’s a different decade, much of what the show taught us about relationships when it first aired is all still true. People are different, and their lives aren’t simple. Some find love, while some learn that their best relationships are with their friends.

For more stories at the intersection of TV & modern romance, check out this discussion about romance on “Dancing With The Stars” or this piece about what Supergirl’s sister taught us about coming out.

20 Relationship Memes That Will Give You All The Feels If You’re In Love

November 2, 2017January 22, 2024 by Meg Scanlonin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Being with the love of your life is the best! Here are some awesome relationship memes that capture just how great it is.

1. You really really love each other.

2. You perfectly complement each other.

3. Neither one of you are perfect but you are both trying your best.

4. You think each other are just adorable.

5. You both love to cuddle.

6. You are excited to share your favorite things.

7. You are very comfortable together.

8. You’ve been together for a long time.

9. You want to shout your love from the rooftop.

10. You have the same interests.

11. You’re bananas about each other.

12. You are on the same page.

13. You never go anywhere with out a goodbye kiss.

14. You can’t even imagine being with anybody else.

15. You think they are perfect.

16. You are soul mates.

17. You are a team.

18. You have similar taste in fashion.

19. You support each other.

20. You tell each other everything.

Being in a loving relationship is awesome!

It’s great having someone to share your life with. Being with a partner who truly gets you and helps you be your best self is the ultimate relationship goal. Not to mention the inside jokes! Share some memes with the one you love today!

For more articles about true love, check out “How I Hit The Cosmic Love Lottery” or “The Best Marriage Advice I Ever Received Was from My Parents.”

Writing Your Own Vows: 10 Steps to Prepare For Your Most Romantic Conversation

November 2, 2017January 22, 2024 by Jillian Pretzelin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Actually putting words on paper can be scary. Here are some things to keep in mind while you’re writing your own vows.

If you’re like most engaged people, you’ve been so busy with the venue, and the catering, and the guest list that you somehow forget about the vows until the last minute.

And if you’re like me, you were totally distracted looking at cakes (I’m a sucker for sugar) and got very behind.

But while it sometimes gets shuffled to the back of your mind, you can’t forget about the vows. They’re the most central part of the wedding, and you want to give a lot of attention to what you say to your partner.

In my scramble and frustration to get my vows written, I asked a lot of married friends for their advice, consulted every website I could think of, and watched a hundred (or so) Youtube videos of ceremonies. Here are 10 things I learned.

1. Think about how you want to set the mood.

Before you start writing your own vows, you and your sweetie should decide on a “feel” for your ceremony. Maybe you’re a fun-loving, giggly couple and you want your vows to show that. Or maybe you want the ceremony to be a little more serious, and a major tear-jerker. Maybe it’s really important that your vows are very traditional, or maybe you want to center it around your history together. Vows can go in so many directions and its best to start on the same page with the same goal.

2. Does the use of props make sense?

Sand ceremonies or lighting candles might not necessarily be a part of the actual vows, but they do go hand-in-hand. If you’re interested in one of these things, you’ll want to decide what you’re doing before you write the vows. For example: if you’re doing a sand ceremony, your vows can include references to how your differences blend together, so the sand will make sense when it comes time to pour it.

If you’re interested in incorporating something like this, here are a few ideas:

Handfasting: This Celtic tradition involves holding hands and wrapping a ceremonial rope around them. If you like this idea, you can talk about being bound together forever.
Ring warming: Passing your rings around to be warmed before you put them on will make guests feel like they are a part of your ceremony. This is perfect if you want to incorporate a family-feel into your vows.
Time capsule: This is when couples write letters to each other and pack them into a box (sometimes with a bottle of wine), which are opened at a later date. It’s a perfect anniversary present for future-you, and it’s a great opportunity to talk about your future together in your vows.
Plant a tree: For nature lovers out there, planting a tree can be a beautiful way to symbolize the strength of your growing relationship — and it can be a perfect theme for your vows. Whether you’re planting it in your backyard or in a public place, it will be wonderful to visit the tree down the road to see how much it (and you both) have grown.

3. Decide on what you don’t want.

So many people focus on what they want in their vows but forget to nix the things they don’t want. The most popular bit to take out in the traditional vows is the “obey” line. A lot of people find it old-fashioned, and that’s okay! Many couples choose not to change their last names when they get married, so they need to make sure their officiant doesn’t say “Mr. and Mrs.” at the end of the ceremony. These may seem like small things, but if it’s going to make you cringe every time you watch your wedding video, make sure you discuss what you don’t want with your future spouse.

4. Remember: the “repeat after me” part can be anything!

Speaking of the “obey” line in those traditional vows, remember you can have those “repeat after me” vows be completely original. You don’t have to have the “for richer, for poorer” vows for your wedding (unless it is required by your faith), and it can be fun to make up your own. They should represent what you want to promise, so make it special. Here are some great examples from The Knot.

5. Speak from the heart.

We all want our vows to be the coolest, most romantic vows in the world, but the best thing is to just be genuine. If you love playing soccer together, mention that. If you’re favorite thing about your spouse is their crazy jokes, say that. Sometimes you have to forget about what it’s going to sound like to the audience, and remember what means the most to you.

6. Coordinate with your partner.

If you’re writing your own vows separately, just make sure you coordinate with your future mate. You don’t want to both tell the same story or have one of you give a long, gooshy speech about love when the other says something short and sweet. You don’t want to give a list of all the things you promise to do while your partner skips promises in favor of saying how important your relationship is. That can come across as unorganized.

7. Keep it to one or two minutes.

It might sound short, but a minute of talking in front of all your family and friends will seem like forever when you’re up there. A minute is plenty, or maybe go to two minutes if you have a really good story to tell. Some may find they really have to edit their words down while others will feel a roadblock after the second sentence. Keep working on it, and keep this timeframe in mind.

8. Take your time.

After writing your own vows, leave them for a few days and come back. Make notes in your phone when you come up with an idea in the middle of the day. Sometimes those perfect words won’t come out right away, and that’s okay. Know that it’s hard for most people to express all those feelings on paper.

9. Talk to your officiant.

Once you have an draft of your vows, talk to your officiant and coordinate. If the officiant is a friend that has known you both for a long time, he or she might want to say a couple things about you or share some memories during the service. Make sure you guys are on the same page with anecdotes. If your officiant is your local minister who’s done all the weddings in your church for the last 20 years, they might have some ideas of what will work well and how to change it up. Either way, this is the perfect time to talk about your vision and make sure you have a plan.

10. Write them down and type them up.

This might seem obvious, but you’ll want to write your vows down. You might even want to put them in a cute notepad or on a high quality piece of paper to read at the altar. Recently, some people have been reading their vows off their phones, and while this might seem fun and modern now, it will look dated a few years down the road. Going with the classic paper version is a safe bet.

But that doesn’t mean typing them up at all isn’t a good idea. In addition to writing them on paper, it’s a good idea to put them in your computer in case you lose your notebook a week before the wedding. Then, after the wedding, you might want to make a keepsake out of your vows: like a copy to put in a book or a framed a copy for your wall. If they’re typed up, you don’t have to worry about losing the paper in your wedding festivities — you can just press print.

With these 10 simple tips, you’ll be writing your own vows with confidence — because of their quality and because you’ll cherish them for all time.

For more wedding day advice, check out “Picking And Choosing Wedding Advice That Works For You” or “Marriage 101: Expectations Vs. Reality.”

‘The Knot Dream Wedding’ Winner’s First Love Lesson? Love Yourself.

November 15, 2017January 22, 2024 by Sierra Mercierin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Do you believe true love exist? I do.

I’m Sierra. My husband Andre and I were the first couple to win “The Knot Dream Wedding.”

Follow me as I share how I attracted true love into my life. In my new “True Love Lessons” video series, I’ll share tips and stories that help open your heart to all love’s possibilities.

Lesson No. 1: Love Yourself!

This is probably the most important “Love Lesson” of them all because if we don’t love ourselves how can we love anyone else?

Loving yourself is an ongoing lifelong lesson that requires continued work. There are levels and layers to self love. Recognizing my value was one of the layers in my own self love journey.

As I continue to work on this lesson, I’ve discovered that accepting myself and forgiving myself are other layers, too.

There are many layers to this ever evolving lesson but it’s never too late to start finding out ways in which to show yourself love. It may come in the form of a spiritual practice, healthy eating, exercising, or even something as simple as hugging yourself everyday and saying, “I love you [your name here].”

Like I mentioned earlier, this is a lifelong lesson but one that holds the key to the door of infinite love!

Stay tuned for more “True Love Lessons” with me, Sierra, from “The Knot Dream Wedding.”

We’re going to share lots of love stories.

But in the meantime, read up on some strategies to love yourself through journaling or this emotional piece on how to stop “shrinking” yourself in a relationship.

Is Choosing “Ms.” Or “Mrs.” Still A Feminist Issue?

November 22, 2017January 22, 2024 by Jillian Pretzelin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

I’m obsessed with subscription boxes. So when I got engaged I, of course, had to get a bridal-themed monthly subscription. And right from the beginning, I loved it. I got cute shirts, fun jewelry — the works. I was obsessed with almost everything I was sent.

However, I did get a few things that I knew I wouldn’t use — things that said “Mrs.”

Maybe this sounds odd, but the “Ms.” or “Mrs.” distinction always bothered me.

I found these titles to be old-fashioned and sexist. Why would women change their title when they get married, but not men? And why bother with a change at all? If I call a woman by a title, it’s probably because I don’t know her first name. And if I don’t even know her full name, it’s none of my business to know if she’s married or not. The whole thing seemed unbalanced and intrusive to me.

That’s why I always used Ms. — the P.C. middle ground.

The title “Ms.” has a long history, originally being proposed in 1901 when an unnamed author wrote a story in a newspaper. The article suggested using the non-specific “Ms.” to avoid the social faux pas of calling a married woman “Miss” (and vice versa). It sparked some discussion then but it would take 60 years for it to really take off.

In 1961, a New Yorker named Sheila Michaels found a piece of mail intended for her roommate that used “Ms.” instead of “Miss.” She thought it was a typo at first, but liked the idea of a title not being marital-specific. She always hated the idea of her relationship status defining her, and as it turned out, many other women felt the same way.

The big turning point in Michaels’ movement for “Ms.” was when she was interviewed on a progressive radio program, “Womankind” and gave an impassioned argument for the use of the title. Listeners were moved by her ideas, and soon, “Ms.” was widely accepted. It became a sign of women’s empowerment and equality, and it was seen a big step for feminism.

So why is Mrs. is still so popular?

Despite the girl-power history of “Ms.,” I see “Mrs.” and “Miss” a lot, especially in the wedding industry. There’s everything from “Mr. and Mrs.” mugs to “kiss the Miss goodbye” party banners. And no matter how many times I see it, I always find it strange that women still use those old titles.

But let’s get one thing straight: I’m not trying to hide my relationship status. Anyone who’s talked to me in the last year (or has ever been anywhere near my Instagram) knows where, how, and what time I’m getting married because I’m so excited. But the thing is, people would have to know me, or at least how to find me on social media, to know that stuff.

People know about my relationship because I want them to know, not because it’s in my name. It feels wrong to think that you could know absolutely nothing about a person, but know if they’re married or not.

“Mrs.” can seem reminiscent of a time where women had the option to be wives… and that’s about it.

It reminds me of when women had few choices and little opportunity. And now, in a time where women are finally making a dent on the wage gap and becoming more political, “Miss” and “Mrs.” can seem like a step backwards.

They also can seem unnecessary. People who have a Ph.D. do just fine going by “Dr.” They don’t need the male/female identifier, let alone a single/married distinction. So why do so many people use them?

The great thing about the movement in the ‘60s was that it gave women the right to make their own decisions.

Women like Sheila Michaels didn’t like having a title pushed on them, so they used their own. I think that, even more than popularizing “Ms.,” just the idea that they normalized a third title was empowering in itself. The power to choose is the important part.

I love being able to decide to go by “Ms.” but I know that a lot of women still like to use “Mrs.” I’ve seen friends wear “Future Mrs.” shirts and put up “Miss to Mrs.” signs at bridal showers. Some women like it, and don’t do it out of anti-feminism or ignorance. It is, simply, a choice. And I think options are good.

In the end, I appreciate my right to have my own opinion and choose what I go by.

Just the fact that a woman can decide between “Ms.” or “Mrs.” is empowering. I’d rather women have options than try to push “Ms.” on everyone, because I think that it would be just as bad as only having “Miss” and “Mrs.” The important part is being able to make a strong decision based on what’s important to you, and knowing that if you don’t like your options, you, like Sheila Michaels, can start something new.

So, this month I’m looking forward to seeing what I’ll get in my bridal subscription box. Maybe I won’t love everything I get, but that’s how a lot of subscription boxes work. There’s always something included that I probably wouldn’t have gotten for myself. But I think that’s okay. It reminds me of how lucky I am to live in a time when women have options.

Plus, now I have some great “Mr. and Mrs.” pillowcases to give to friends who will truly appreciate them.

For more reading

6 Literary Reasons Women Love “Fictional” Guys (And The Real Life Versions You Can Daydream About)

December 5, 2017January 22, 2024 by Freya Shipleyin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Your taste in men may be bookish but it doesn’t have to limit your romantic fantasies.

In this age of sexting and leftward swipes, a few of us women are on a whole different — or, dare we say, scholarly — wavelength. Our dates may not realize it, but we’re secretly comparing them to the hottest guys we know: guys who are — um, well — fictional.

Why are we so thirsty for men who don’t actually exist? Here are the six big reasons:

1. Every date is an adventure.

Your first night out together is likely to include:

a perilous chase across London in a hansom cab
a mad flight to Gretna Green
an untoward occurrence at the opera
witty banter in elegant surroundings
cutting a dash together on the dance floor
joining forces to solve a fiendish murder involving stolen emeralds, the vicar, and a sinister missive delivered by a veiled woman.

Some of us just crave the unexpected. We love the instant intimacy created by a shared adventure. Even when things get dangerous, we still prefer that to an evening at home with Netflix.

The Real-Life Version: Chris Pratt rented an entire ship so he could woo his beloved while sailing up the Thames — a date that Anna Faris called “wildly romantic”.

2. You prefer intensity to politeness.

If passion’s your jam, you have plenty of fictional fantasy heroes to choose from, ranging from Heathcliff all the way to Captain Hook. Those restless bad boys are some of our all-time favorites. He may be a vampire or keep his first wife locked in the attic, but he’ll never be boring.

The Real-Life Version: Oscar Isaac is far from bad, but he definitely lives life on his own terms. He started having adventures young, got expelled from school, played lead guitar in a successful ska-punk band, then graduated from the famously competitive and prestigious acting program at Juilliard.

3. To him, Debrett’s Peerage is hotter than Fifty Shades of Grey.

In our hyper-connected modern world, we’ve all read the same books and hung out on the same websites. But this man is different. We can’t begin to imagine what he’s been reading: after all, he went to college in 1920s Cambridge or 1500s Wittenberg. His whole frame of reference is deliciously mysterious.

The Real-Life Version: The smart and erudite Jason Momoa is an expert on wildlife and marine biology. His wide-ranging studies have included painting in Paris and Buddhism in Tibet.

4. He’ll restrain himself for weeks before venturing to touch your ungloved hand.

He’ll lead you out onto the dance floor or in to dinner, but he won’t touch your bare skin for a long, long time. He’ll think about it, of course. You both will. There’ll be simmering desire and barely-suppressed passion. When you finally do touch, you’ll be dizzy with lust. Yes, this will drive you crazy, but in a good way. And it definitely makes life exciting.

The Real-Life Version: Benedict Cumberbatch was friends with Sophie Hunter for seventeen years before he proposed.

5. The two of you share steamy, yet historical, fantasies.

Such as:

a barouche
a quizzing glass
cravats/waistcoats/top boots
a bathing machine
the Crimean War
an unexpected encounter on a balcony/in a ballroom/in the Piazza San Marco/at Almack’s/on the moor

For some of us literasexuals, pretty much anything historical can be romantic. Do you dream of torrid love-notes written on parchment with a quill pen? Would you swoon over a gent who, instead of sending body part pics, offered you a lock of his hair set in a golden brooch?

The Real-Life Version: Orlando Bloom is a luddite who never emails and doesn’t even own a computer. Plus he looks great in period costumes, and he’s probably a dab hand with a quill.

6. He owns a National Trust property in Cornwall/Derbyshire/Illyria.

The best fictional fantasy heroes always have a jaw-dropping home to sweep you away to. (Remember Elizabeth Bennet sneaking over to check out the closet space at Pemberley before saying “I do”?)

The Real-Life Version: Britain’s Prince Harry has a dazzling array of royal dwellings at his disposal. It would be hard to imagine anything more lush and gorgeous than his official London residence, Kensington Palace.

7. Whatever the obstacles between you, he’ll suffer agonies over you rather than transfer his attentions to another, less troublesome, lady.

Once your fictional fantasy guy falls for you, he stays fallen. The whole “plenty of fish” mentality is totally foreign to him. Come hell or high water, piracy, missing wills, misunderstandings, or years of enforced separation when he’s been unjustly imprisoned, you’re still the only one for him.

The Real-Life Version: When Colin Firth first spotted his wife-to-be across a crowded plaza in Cartagena, it was love at first sight. Never mind that millions of women all over the planet were fantasizing about him — he knew instantly that no matter what, Livia Giuggioli was his one and only.

Is there a way your leading man can leap off of the page and into your life?

Our examples may be too rich and famous to be attainable, but these qualities are not. Use these romantic fantasies to identify what is important to you — you just might be a date away from your own epic love story.

For more reading on our fantasies, check out this list of 30 (!) fantasies to inspire you or this wild look into the life of a phone fantasy hotline worker.

7 Ways to Empower Your Incredible Single Friends During the Holidays

December 7, 2017January 22, 2024 by Sarah Burrisin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

The holidays can be challenging for single friends or friends who just moved to a new city. Here’s how you can help.

For those worried about single friends over the holidays, now is the time to step in and show them they’re not alone and they’re loved.

Think about what works best with your friend; whether you should be funny, light-hearted or affectionate. Everyone is different and has their own unique needs.

There are several benefits to being single, however. Suddenly, you’re not being pulled in a million directions for where to spend the holidays. Presents certainly can fill credit cards up quickly. There’s the freedom of not needing to impress your significant other’s family or stress about what to get their mother.

While finding the right thing to say might vary, here are seven things you can do with your friends that show them the holidays are about your friend-family too.

1.Take your single friend to a fun holiday party.

Whether through work, charities or friend parties, there are always gatherings around the holidays to share in food and fun. Find one that gets your single pal out for a night to enjoy the season and your friendship.

2. Ask your friend to donate their old flame’s belongings to your favorite charity.

While there is nothing more cathartic than seeing your ex’s stuff go up in the smoke from a bonfire, there are so many families that are in need. For parents who struggle every day to make ends meet, gently used clothes, games, action figures, books and more can be the perfect donation to a local charity. Your friend can burn the toothbrush, though.

3. Sit down in front of a fire and help your friend write a Santa Wish List for love.

December is a great time to think about what the next year will bring. While we always set goals and New Year’s resolutions, this can be a perfect opportunity for your friend to make a new relationship plan.

Take stock in that last relationship and talk about what worked and what didn’t work. What did your friend learn about themselves? How did the ex make your friend a better or wiser person?

Then make a Santa list for what’s next. What are the things your friend now realizes they need in a relationship? What kind of lover or lovers are they seeking to bring into their love life? Let your friend dream about their next amazing lover! What qualities does that person have? The possibilities are endless and it helps your friend look love forward and not dwell in the love past.

4. Give your friend a “sexy stocking” to get them in the mood again.

Breakups can be a hit to the heart and libido, especially if you’re not over someone and having a hard time getting back out there and meeting people. Don’t let your friend go without. Spice up their stocking with some secret treats to encourage your friend to move forward. What a perfect way to bring sexy back into your friends life this season.

5. Surprise your friend with a LoveTV membership to speed up their success for love in 2018.

If your friend is ready for a new love story better than they have had historically, but tired of wasting time and feeling drained by facing the same dating challenges over and over, LOVE TV can help. LOVE TV’s membership puts the ease and fun back into their dating and relationship building experience. Your friend deserves to create a positive love life future. At LOVE TV, we can jump start that process.

6. Introduce your friend to someone in your social network whose status is “single.”

Who do you know on Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram or other social media sites that might also be single right now? Take a look through your contacts and think about who could be a good person for your friend.

7. Let your friend know just how loveable they are.

When you are single during the holidays you need your friends more than ever. Once can default into self-doubt, anxiety, and sadness over their relationship life. Do your part in helping your friend go down the love and life affirming road this holiday season.

Find ways to let your friend know why they’re a special person in your life. Express how grateful you are for what they have brought to your friendship. Help remind them what a catch they are for that special person. Most importantly, help them remember that loving themselves and especially during the holidays is an amazing opportunity to attract lots of love into their life.

Remember that we’re always here at LOVE TV to help you and your friend begin their next adventure in love. We are an empowering resource and guide for moving forward and finding new ways to love again.

8 Ways You Can Survive Awkward Holiday Situations With Your Significant Other

December 19, 2017January 22, 2024 by Jillian Pretzelin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me… some totally awkward family holiday encounters.

Holidays: a time of yummy food, festive parties, and your crazy Aunt Suzy judging everyone’s outfits (c’mon Aunt Suzy, be cool). But family holiday time can be especially crazy if you’re a couple. Whether you’re in a new relationship or have been together for years, you know you’ll have to face whatever your family (or your SO’s family) dishes out during the holidays. And sometimes, it can get awkward.

Are you ready for the “so when are you guys getting married” question? Uhg! No one is. What’s your game plan for when your boyfriend’s mom cuts you off some turkey but you don’t eat meat? What on earth are you going to bring as a gift? Here are some tips on how to gracefully get through the holiday season with your honey.

1. What to do with the “when are you getting married” questions.

These are the worst. Questions about your relationship can be so intrusive, and, if you and your SO haven’t talked about things like marriage yet, it can be extra weird. The bad news is that these queries never stop.

You might be thinking: “hey, won’t people stop asking once we get married?” No, no they won’t. It’ll just turn into the when-are-you-having-kids question and then the when-are-you-having-another-kid question until it’s the when-are-your-kids-having-kids question, until, I assume, you die.

By now, I’ve tried every answer in the book. From the jokey: “I’m still holding out for Chris Pine” to the polite brush off: “we’re not really sure right now” and had mixed results. But eventually, I found a line that works almost all the time.

The next time someone asks your when you guys are getting hitched, try this: “It’s so nice that you care about our relationship. The two of us haven’t come to a decision about that yet, but when we do have news you’ll surely be one of the first to know.” It’s polite but doesn’t encourage further discussion. It suggests that you’ve talked about it before, but respects your privacy. It’s vague and I love it.

2. Here’s how you can handle dietary restrictions at holiday dinners.

I’m a vegetarian and my fiance is allergic to dairy. I know: we’re the worst to have over for dinner. We’ve both run into the awkward “sorry, I can’t eat that” at each others’ family’s house and it’s tough.

I hate it when my fiancé’s parents spend all day making a turkey or ham and I have to tell them I can’t eat it. I hate sounding ungrateful and I’m always afraid that his family will think I’m making an excuse to not eat their food. And for my fiancé, it’s a different (but perhaps worse) situation where he might really want to eat those cheesy mashed potatoes but he can’t without having an allergic reaction. Bummer.

If you have a dietary restriction, there are a few things that you can do to prepare:

If it’s your family’s house you two are visiting, make sure there will be things your SO can eat. He/she will really appreciate it and it’s a great way to show you care.

If you’re going to their family house, bring a dish you can eat. It’s nice to bring a little something when you go to someone’s house, plus, you know you’ll have at least one thing to eat. In addition, see if your SO can mention your dietary restriction to their family. It’s nice to be upfront, and if your beau can casually mention your peanut allergy before the visit, that’s all the better.

When it comes to the day of: be honest about what you can have, eat what you can, and if needed, grab some drive-through later.

3. Here’s what you can do with presents for your significant other’s family.

A lot of families exchange gifts during the holidays. A present exchange might be a ton of fun in your family, but when you’re going to someone else’s house it can cause stress.

You might not know if you should show up with gifts, and if so, what kind. You might not know everyone in the family (and what they like), and, if your date has a big crew you might not be able to afford to get a gift for every single person.

One great idea is to bring a wine and snack gift basket. It’s communal, tasty, and won’t break the bank. Bringing a snack gift can even become a tradition. I have an aunt who, in lieu of gifts, makes cookies every year and brings cute Christmas tins full of cookies for everyone… and it’s amazing. I look forward to those cookies every year and the holidays just wouldn’t be the same without them.

4. Be cautious with those holiday cocktails.

Alcohol is often free-flowing during holiday events and it’s easy loose track of how many times you’ve topped off your merlot. You don’t want to get into a situation where you (or your beau) has too much to drink or it could mean major embarrassment.

You want to be on your best behavior when visiting someone else’s family and sometimes that means switching to the virgin eggnog early. Talk to your partner about how much you both plan to drink beforehand and encourage each other to stick to just one or two cocktails with family, you’ll be glad you did.

5. Talking politics at your significant other’s holiday meal might actually be cool.

While most people think discussing politics at family gatherings is taboo, it might not be totally off the table. Some families like talking about current events, and if your family is one of those, they might find it rude if your boyfriend or girlfriend keeps trying to change the subject.

As long as everyone is polite and thoughtful, some deeper conversation might be a relief from typical small talk. Plus, if your SO and your family have the same views, it might be a great way to bond.

Talk to your sweetie about the climate of your family gatherings and what’s typical. If you’re both well-informed you’ll be able to steer the conversation in the right direction.

6. Here’s what you can do if you’re dealing with a challenging family.

Whether it be a backhanded compliment or full-on mean remark, family is famous for being rude to dates. You might end up apologizing for your dad’s remark about your new girlfriend’s job or you might find yourself taken aback by an unwelcome critique of your haircut. No matter what, rude family is tough.

If you wind up on the receiving end, brush it off with humor. If his mom says something about your clothes, try your best to make a joke about it and change the subject.

If your family’s the one causing trouble, shut it down early. Don’t be afraid to take your sister to the side and tell her to stop picking on your date. If a warning doesn’t work, know when to start heading home. It might seem harsh to leave early on a holiday, but if someone’s really causing problems, make sure they know it won’t be tolerated.

7. When things get to be a little too much with the family — there’s always the bathroom.

I love the bathroom. I really do. It’s where I go when I need to smell my pits to make sure I’M not that weird thing Aunt Carrie was smelling. It’s where I go to check if there’s spinach in my teeth, and it’s the place I go to wait out the storm at the table.

Perfectly planned bathroom breaks are the best when your boyfriend’s parents start to bicker again. It’s also super handy when your girlfriend’s uncle wants to show everyone the weird mole on his back. It’s shaped like Michigan? That’ so interesting, Frank. Excuse me, I need to use the restroom. Done.

8. The most important thing to know at a holiday dinner is when to leave.

Leaving: the most important part of your evening. While you might be having a blast hanging out with your family, know that your SO might be getting bored. Hanging out with new people (or people they don’t know very well) might not seem like such a blast for them.

Before you arrive, talk about how long you want to stay at your holiday gathering and set a time range for when you’d like to head out. You might also want to make a sign (or get a code word) to use if you’re ready to go home early. Communicating beforehand will put you two on the same page and will help you end the night gracefully.

Spending time with your SO’s family during the holidays can be challenging and awkward, but it can also be a ton of fun. It’s a great opportunity to get to know more about the important people in your boyfriend/girlfriend’s life, make some memories, and have a good time. Just remember these eight tips, and your holiday gathering is sure to be a success.

For more wedding day advice, check out “Picking And Choosing Wedding Advice That Works For You” or “7 Things I Learned From Marriage That I Couldn’t Learn Anywhere Else.”

Baby, It’s Cold Outside! Let’s Get Closer: Top Ways to Connect With Your Partner When the Winter Weather Outside is Frightful

December 20, 2017January 22, 2024 by Kelley Lynnin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

You know the rest of the song. “But the fire is so delightful. And as long as you love me so, let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!”

Sure, cuddling by a warm fireplace sounds all comfy and cozy during the holidays, and during the cold winter months. But what about dating tips for once Christmas and New Year’s is over? What about when it’s January, February, or the dreaded month of March, when it feels like it’s been freezing cold and snowing for 15,000 years, and the romance of the fireplace has worn off but your love hasn’t. What then?

Here are some fun and unique dating tips to stay connected to your partner, on those days and weeks when you are stuck inside. This list of fun and sometimes sexy activities will be so fun, you might be begging for more snow in April!

It’s time to have a snowman contest:

Anyone can go outside and build a snowman. Why not make it extra fun and unique? Try making it a contest, with a theme.

You have an hour to build your own snowman, and the best looking one wins. Build them side by side, and when you are finished, take a picture to post on social media. Let your friends vote on the winner, and then make a private bet for what the loser has to do to make the winner happy. Later on. In bed.

To put a twist on this, part of your contest could be a themed snowmen, such as “celebrity snowmen,” or making a Snowman that looks like your partner. This could provide plenty of laughter and lots of amazing memories for years to come.

You can create intimacy through music:

This is something that my partner and I do quite often, and each time, it is surprisingly moving, as well as an intense way for us to connect.

We choose 3 songs each (you can choose one to start, if three is too many), and we bring them to the CD player and play them for the other person.

We find songs that remind us of each other, of our love, or of something we want to express to one another in that moment. We take turns playing them for each other, with a short explanation of why we chose that particular song.

Some of them are silly, funny, romantic, or sweet. Others might be very deep, with profound lyrics that have a lot of meaning to us.

Everytime we do this, I feel like it brings us closer, and it also helps us learn a bit more about each other, through music.

You can do this in your living room, bedroom, or even in your car, while taking breaks from kissing.

Try making a sexy new recipe together:

Any couple can cook together, but when it’s as cold as a freezer outside, and your hands feel like popsicles, it might be fun to find new ways to be together in the kitchen.

If one of you is a great cook and the other isn’t, perhaps a cooking class with a favorite dish is in order. You can cook it together and then have dinner together with some romantic ambiance.

If both of you can cook, but you’re sick of eating the same meals over and over again, this is the perfect opportunity to try something new and different.. Take to the internet, look up some unique and fun recipes, and pick something special to attempt cooking together.

If it’s a hit, you’ve got a new meal to add to your repertoire. If it’s terrible, you have another great new memory together, and another reason to laugh with one another.

Watch stand-up comedy clips and laugh all night together:

Laughter is one of the absolute best ways to connect with another human being, especially someone that you love. Genuine laughter often leads to feelings of intimacy, which leads to teasing and back and forth banter with delicious flirting madness.

When my partner and I are giggling together over something silly, it almost always turns into more hugging, more kissing, and more of everything else. Trust me on this.

Being mostly homebound for weeks at a time, due to freezing cold or icy weather, can lead to a lot of movie watching. This time, forget the movies. Put your TV on YouTube, or Netflix, and finding some short comedy specials, or clips of favorite or classic stand-up comedians.

You can take turns at the remote, introducing a new comedian to your partner, or re-sharing a classic Carol Burnett sketch that maybe they haven’t seen. Going to sleep at the end of the day, after having just laughed a good amount, is a pretty great feeling.

Try to brave the cold and take a ski lesson together:

Not everyone lives near a ski slope, but if you are reading this article, you probably live in an area that has cold weather or winters. Have you ever tried skiing? It’s one big opportunity for laughter.

Skiing is fun, but it’s not easy. Taking a first-time lesson together on the beginner bunny slope with an instructor teaching you how to stand up and then move, can be fun and silly time. You can reward yourself afterwards with some hot cocoa and brownies or cookies back at home.

Another option is to find a local skating rink or hockey game. Any kind of one-time class can be a fun adventure to do together, and another way to stay clear of doing “the same old things.”

If you can’t go outside, try something new in the bedroom:

What better time to spice up your love life, than when you are stuck inside together during cold winter months? Having a lot of intimate time is a wonderful thing, but sometimes it can become repetitive.

A cold winter’s day is a perfect time to sit down with your partner, and each of you can share a fantasy you might like to try. Or, if you are too shy to tell each other, write down ten fantasy scenarios, put them in a bowl and pick one out. You can write two or three that are “real” fantasies and and the others can be fakes.

You can take turns reading them out loud, and try guessing which ones are the actual fantasies your partner wrote down. The next step is making them happen!

This can be another super fun way to get close again, turn each other on, and to keep discovering new things to love about your partner.

It’s certainly cold out there, but, baby, we’ve got a lot that we can dodo!!!

For more articles about dating tips check out, 15 Sexy Holiday Dates to Get You in the Mood This Festive Season or 10 Signs Of A Healthy Relationship According To Experts.

Beyond the Gender Norm: Taking a Married Name

December 21, 2017January 22, 2024 by ElisaShoenbergerin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

I realized that there were far more stories to tell about this, especially beyond the heterosexual continuum.

When a person gets married, they are presented with a choice: do they take their spouse’s name or not? How does gender and societal expectations play into it?

Several months ago, I reported on my own experiences when I got married and the decisions of two women who made their own choices about taking a married name. I elected to keep my name in part to honor my own family, a disinclination for the process and a few other reasons. For the two I interviewed, their decisions had little to do with tradition.

When the article came out, I was astonished to find out how many people responded. People I hadn’t heard of were telling me about their experiences. It was more than an either or: take the name or not. There are many more additional possibilities including combining names, and even creating new names.

I talked to three more couples about their experiences when they married. Names have been changed for anonymity.

Her husband decided to hyphenate his name too.

On a bright Sunday morning in October, I met with a lovely couple in a local coffee shop: “Samantha and Lawrence.” Lawrence had made the decision to hyphenate his name with Samatha’s.

“I had been given my grandfather’s name as my middle name because my mom very much valued her family name. I didn’t,” he said.

He went on to say that he comes from a very large family.

“While I love my mom and dad, I didn’t have an attachment to that idea.,” Lawrence continued. “So, when I got married, I just figured I would change my name. I think that hyphenating my name has made me closer to [her] family, which I really enjoy.”

Lawrence told me that he’s heard of those who take pride in their name.

“I know a lot of guys feel that they have to spread their name, but I have no intention of having children, I think helps part of it,” he said.

When I asked how his family handled his decision, he told me his parents are in denial.

“My mom still writes checks to me under my [old name],” he said.

When I questioned Samantha about how her family reacted to his decision, she said they loved it.

“My family really likes that he’s into the name,” she said.” I think my dad really likes it a lot. Not in ‘you have to pass it down’ but as a gesture, you’ve become part of this. It feels more inclusive.”

Lawrence noted that the federal government makes it easy to change your name. “It takes about 15 minutes,” he said.

However, the state they live in is a different process. “I have been trying for three and half years to change my name on all documents… the State of Illinois refuses to do it unless I provide a marriage license, proof that I have changed my name with the federal government, three pieces of mail and some other stuff.”

His former colleagues at the company he worked when they got married were fine with it. His friends don’t call each other by their last name.

“With Internet culture, it’s much easier to have a different last name then you actually have.” his wife added. “We have a shared name on Facebook, so we have the sense that we are totally together without having to jump through any of the bureaucratic hoops.”

I asked Samantha about her decision not to change her name and she told me, “I never thought I would change my name.

“I never had any intention of doing so from an early age,” she said.” I decided I would never get married. If I got married by some strange coincidence, I would stick with what I liked. This is partially based a lot on feminist ideal.”

She explained that her mother didn’t change her name and was a model for her.

“It seemed difficulty to functionally change your name in society,” she continued.The bureaucracy of it. As [my husband] was going through it, I was like this was as terrible as I thought.”

There are also professional considerations to take into account.

Lawrence and Samantha did note that they considered creating a new surname entirely.

“I believe we were going with Bloodaxe for a long period of time. Because it sounds real badass…I pulled back,” she said. “We both decided this was not, perhaps, how we wanted to be known at age 75.”

At the end of our interview, Lawrence indicated it’s something he thinks more men should try.

“It’s one of the few pieces of toxic masculinity that I kinda find surprising in people.,” he said. “Some guys are just really resistant against this when they would be otherwise great feminists. It seems like one of those things: ‘Why would I even do this?’

He explained that, for him, it wasn’t a hesitation. “I wanted to be part of this family and I had in a way make myself closer to it. So I did it.”

Deciding which last name to take after the wedding might be easier for two men.

A young gay couple in a bustling sandwich shop explained how things are easier for them. Nearby us, a guitarist crooned classic folk and rock and roll songs.

I asked “Walter and Mark” about their decision not to change their names when they got married two years ago.

“We benefit in this regard from the same thing that our wedding benefited from, which is nobody has any preset expectations about a gay marriage,” Walter explained. ”In fact, it’s because of that. So far, we have not changed our names because people do not expect men to. We just figured it would be much more of a hassle than it would be for a woman, who people expect to have a maiden name or a hyphenated name.”

He said that for a man to change his name he thought people would find it suspicious or confusing. But there were other considerations. Mark is not currently a US citizen and explained, “That really complicated things. Changing your name whilst applying for your permanent residency.”

“My parents hyphenate our names when they send us packages.,” Mark said when explaining how others respond respond to their decision. “And our dogs have hyphenated names but we don’t.”

Walter noted that his father had a different reaction. He was offended Walter’s sister-in-law didn’t change her name when she and Walter’s brother married.

“I was talking to him about us doing it. He said, ‘Yeah, it would be silly for two men to change their name,’” Walter said.“Which is kinda sexist. I then I said, if we did change it, [we would hyphenate it one way]. He immediately said, ‘That sounds really cool. You should change it.’ Because it’s an aristocratic sounding name.”

At the end of the interview, Mark noted that no one has ever asked him about their married name before.

It felt very heteronormative to ask Molly to change her last name.

My final interview was with a young lesbian couple who just had their first child.

“Molly and Megan” decided what made them hyphenate their names when they married.

“I didn’t want to lose my last name.,” Megan said. “I had a lot of identity wrapped up in it. Ironically, I am more connected to my mom’s side of the family, but the last name is very Irish and I connect with my Irish roots.”

She explained that it felt heteronormative to ask Molly to change her name.

“We also knew we wanted to have kids and we wanted to share a last name with them, especially since I wouldn’t be connected genetically to them,” Megan continued. “Molly’s last name is already hyphenated and I certainly wasn’t going to have a triple hyphenated last name! She had a connection with [one of] the last name[s] so we hyphenated [with that].”

Neither of their families had a strong reaction and friends don’t care much either.

“The public in general is very confused by hyphenated last names and online forms often don’t let you add special characters,” Megan said. “So my name is now constantly being butchered, which is annoying.”

Sometimes the way a last name sounds determines

From these interviews, similar themes arose from my original interview. The issue of bureaucracy was a major one. Changing names has implications for one’s career or even citizenship. There’s the bureaucratic hurdles of simply getting a named changed, especially in Illinois.

I was also struck by the issue of aesthetic of the names themselves. There was a sense with almost everyone about how certain names sounded better together, whether it was a first and last name, or the order of hyphenating names. There was simply a more harmonious way to combine names.

I briefly considered hyphenating my name with my husband’s but recalled how complicated it was to spell my last name as a dyslexic school child. As for creating a new surname, my husband and I considered combining our names in interesting ways: Shiz, Shoenpriz, Prizenberger…but none seemed to satisfy either of us.

One interesting theme that came up was the issue of children. Both Megan and Molly and Mark and Walter mentioned that they wanted to change their name if they had kids while Samantha and Lawrence specifically mentioned they were not.

That became the problem with my own long last name as a child. My mom told me that was part of her rationale for changing her name. My husband and I haven’t really discussed how we’ll handle this possibility but it’s an important consideration. Especially in light of my own experiences as a dyslexic child.

I was interested in how society approached the issue of gender when it came to the names. As Mark and Walter noted, no one had any expectation of them to change their names; no one had even asked. Lawrence noted how few men even consider changing or adding their wife’s name to their own.

These contrast with the viewpoints of all the women in my little study. We all had thought about the possibility. As women, we had grown up in a society that expected it. We all just had strong decisions or attachments to our names.

Of course, I should talk to my husband about the possibility of changing our names to the Bookaxes.

The 9 Best New Year’s Resolutions for Your Relationship

January 1, 2018January 22, 2024 by Jillian Pretzelin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Don’t worry–I would never tell you to eat less sugar or start doing pilates for your New Year’s resolution (those sound hard), but if you set the right goals, the new year can bring amazing changes to your relationship.

1. Work on showing gratitude

Gratitude is incredibly important in any relationship. Just hearing a simple “thank you” from a friend or co-worker can brighten anyone’s day, but it’s especially great when your SO tells you how much they appreciate you.

I could be having the worst day ever, but when my fiancé tells me how grateful he is that I made dinner or that I took out the trash, it always brightens up my mood. Just knowing that someone notices my effort makes me feel appreciated and even rejuvenated, and I know that taking the time to notice my fiancé’s efforts goes a long way too.

This year, resolve to show gratitude to your partner more often. Whether you want to take time in the evenings to thank each other for something you did that day, or if you prefer to practice voicing your appreciation whenever you can, showing gratitude can strengthen your bond and make you both happier.

So go ahead, tell your honey how grateful you are that she emptied the dishwasher, tell your boyfriend how much you appreciate it when he makes you lunch. Give her a hug when he surprises you with a gift or give him a smooch when she picks up dinner.

It’s nice to appreciate your partner, and great to be appreciated.

2. Find hobbies that are all your own.

Sure, in an perfect world I’d do everything with my fiancé, we’d have all the same interests and spend all our time together. We’d be unbeatable tennis partners, perform in a two-person band (I’d play ukulele, he’d be on keyboard), and we’d have a TV show as a couple who remodel houses.

But in reality, no two people have all the same interests and, truth be told, there might be times when you don’t really want to spend time with your partner. I love my fiancé more than pizza, but sometimes I really want to do something by myself.

And that’s okay! Actually, it’s prefered. It’s healthy to spend some time without your beau and pursue your own interests or hobbies.

Maybe you want to take a woodshop class and perhaps your significant other wants to join a soccer league — perfect! Following your dreams will make you a happier person (and a better partner) and getting to do something all your own will allow you to bring something special to the relationship.

I like painting, and I love coming home from art class and showing my fiancé what I created. He’s really good with computers, and it always rocks my world when he fixes that darn internet.

So, this year, sit down with your partner and find different things you each want to do. Try to find activities that take place on the same night (so you aren’t missing two evenings of Netflix and chill together) and sign up for them. Are those book club meetings and monster truck fan club meet-ups on the same night? Excellent.

You’ll both learn something new, have fun, make friends, and at the end of the day, you’ll love telling each other all about your adventures.

3. Show an interest in your partner’s work and hobbies.

I know, I know, I just finished telling you about how awesome it is to have separate hobbies…but that doesn’t mean you can’t be interested in what your honey does with his or her time.

I love telling my fiancé about my day and about the people I talked to, and I know it means a lot to him when I show an interest in his work.

Sometimes I may feel my eyes glazing over (a little) when he talks about his very complicated job with all the marketing terms and fancy reports, but I try to get to know more about his work so I can learn more about what he goes through during the day.

4. Try to be a better listener.

This might seem obvious, but being a better listener can make your relationship so much smoother.

You’ve probably been there before: you start telling a story about what your Aunt Mabel did at lunch yesterday, and halfway through the part where she threw the salad at the waiter, your significant other looks up from a magazine and says “were you talking to me?”

Or maybe your significant other was talking about how his friend Joe was on Cake Boss. The story reminds you that you need to pick up flour from the store so you start to think about the grocery list, and before you know it, you missed the whole story.

It’s the worst.

This year, resolve to work on your listening skills together. It’s something that requires practice, so remind yourself to stay engaged in conversation and understand, not just hear, what your partner says.

In the meantime, it’s also a good idea to let your partner know when something you’re going to say is very important. I know it can be hard to focus on each other when there’s a lot going on, but sometimes you need to set aside time for talking (and listening).

When I have a problem and need advice (or just want to vent), I’ll ask my fiance for five minutes to listen to me talk. He’ll take a minute to finish that chapter in a book (or save his video game) and then focus on what I have to say.

I love this tactic because it allows your beau a chance to wrap up what they need to do and give you the attention they need, and it also sends a message to your SO that what you’re going to say is important.

It’s a good way to set up for communication success.

5. Make sure you are happy and healthy.

I have a lot of stress in my life right now: I work all day and go to grad school at night (just thinking about my schedule makes me tired). But in this day and age, a lot of people find themselves overworked or overstressed. Maybe you struggle with anxiety, haven’t been getting enough sleep, or maybe you’re mourning a death in the family.

A relationship isn’t strong without both parties feeling good, so this year, resolve to take care of yourself with some kick-ass self love.

Therapy is a great tool for a lot of people, sometimes you just need a stranger to talk to. Going to the gym is great for stress relief, and if all else fails, scheduling a massage can do wonders.

Taking the time to take care of yourself will make you a happier person, and a better partner.

6. Let the small stuff go.

Just like Elsa, sometimes you need to let things go. If your boyfriend didn’t change the toilet paper roll the 367th time you asked him to do it, he probably won’t change it on the 368th time.

My fiancé never throws things away. He’ll bring a candy bar wrapper within two feet of the trash can, but it won’t actually make it into the bin. Meanwhile, I leave water cups everywhere. At any point in the week you can find at least one cup in the living room, one on the patio, three on the nightstand, and zero in the kitchen cabinet. In the beginning, little things like that drove my fiancé and I bonkers, but eventually, we learned to live with each other’s habits.

The truth is, no couple is perfect. Nobody is truly made for each other or completely compatible. Sometimes the happiest couples are just the ones that let the small issues go so they can appreciate the big things that make them such a great pair.

Maybe your husband is the worst at sweeping the floor, but he’s also a great dad. You didn’t marry him for the clean floors. Let it go, and invest in a cleaning service.

7. Put your phone down.

I don’t mean to sound like a grandma right now, but it’s important to put your phone away… sometimes.

Imagine you’re at a restaurant with your love. You realize that you need to check your email, so you glance at your inbox and see an invitation to your cousin’s birthday party. You realize that, while you’re thinking about it, you should text him to see what he wants for a present. When you’re done texting him you see a message from your mom asking if you can pick up that box of old high school yearbooks.

By the time you put your phone down, all your food came, you had six diet cokes, the server dropped off the bill, and you’ve barely said two words to your partner.

Sometimes, you just need to put your phones away, and enjoy your time together. With such busy schedules and so many things to think about, it’s nice to have a meal where you and your beau can focus on each other.

Plan to have a phone-free meal once and awhile. If you only have time to go out to dinner once a week, make that the date where you put away your devices. You’ll be glad you spent that quality time together.

8. Try and find opportunities to volunteer together.

Lots of people make a New Year’s resolution to put in a couple hours at the soup kitchen or help plant some trees. But volunteering together doesn’t just help your community, it can help your relationship, too.

Every so often my fiancé and I will head over to our local food bank and help organize the donated food. It might not sound very romantic to spend a Saturday afternoon sorting through canned peas and boxes of macaroni and cheese, but we always have fun. We like spending the time together, and volunteering makes us feel good. It’s a far cry from the traditional dinner and a movie date night, and maybe that’s a good thing.

9. Spend time together in the kitchen.

Another popular New Year’s resolution is eating healthier. I make this resolution every year and it lasts about as long as it takes me to find a Taco Bell.

But that doesn’t mean that you can’t make a food-based New Year’s resolution. One great idea is to resolve to make dinners together.

Making a meal together requires teamwork, communication, and coordination. Practicing skills like these can help you grow closer in your relationship. Making dinner at home can also save you money, and it could (brace yourselves) be a roundabout way of eating healthier too.

If you do this right, you’ll spend time together, save some cash, and maybe even cut down on calories all in one resolution. Win-win-win!

The new year is a great time to set goals and work on improving yourself, but with these resolutions, you can improve your relationship too. From learning to listen more closely to volunteering together, these resolutions will surely make your relationship even stronger. What a way to ring in the new year!

For more on setting good New Year’s resolutions for your relationship, check out Passionate Sex Every Day for The New Year—Here is How, Healthy Relationship, Healthy New Year… Here is How and 6 SEX New Year’s Resolutions for Couples.

5 Things you Didn’t know About Polyamorous Relationships

January 3, 2018January 22, 2024 by Lacey McKennain LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS, Sex

I didn’t set out to be Polyamorous (poly). It just…sort of happened.

For the first 5 years of our marriage we were a pretty typical monogamous couple. One day, everything changed.

My husband told me he was attracted to a mutual friend of ours and she felt the same way. That was 5 years ago (and a few new lovers) ago.

Since then I’ve become a bit of an ambassador for this relationship style because it’s made me and my marriage better. So, here are some things you might not know about what it’s like to be in multiple loving relationships at the same time.

1. Polyamory is becoming more mainstream.

When CNN’s homepage features an article called Polyamory: When three isn’t a crowd and Business Insider features an article on how to make a polyamorous relationships work, you get the feeling this oddball thing might be going mainstream. The feeling was confirmed in a more scientific way when Google revealed that two of the top relationship searches of 2017 were about polyamory and open relationships.

Stories of couples who looked the other way while their spouse slept with someone else are as old as the institution of marriage. And while the idea of openly dating and loving multiple people may be just as old, it’s only beginning to find acceptance in American culture today.

2. Poly relationships are different for everyone.

When my husband and I started down this path, one of the more difficult things was that we had no model for this kind of relationship. It wasn’t until then that I realized how much we learned about dating from “Saved by the Bell” and Seventeen magazine. We had others to tell us what we should and shouldn’t do. But with poly, we were pretty much on our own.

Sure, there’s Opening Up and The Ethical Slut. Even after reading that and more, it still felt like the blind leading the blind. As those books will tell you, there is no one right way to go about this.

Some couples never spend the night with their Other Significant Other (OSO), some couples have rules that they got to meet the OSO, other couples never want to meet or hear about the OSO. How were we supposed to know which rules were right for us?

There’s no easy answer. You just go with what feels right and occasionally make mistakes and learn from them that what you thought was acceptable doesn’t work after all.

3. Jealousy can be a challenge … sometimes.

Some poly people have a tough time with jealousy, others almost never experience it. I had a really tough time with jealousy in the beginning. But as I saw that my husband did come back to me, that our life wasn’t destroyed by his having a date with another woman, I began to trust him. And perhaps more importantly, I began to trust this new type of relationship.

Then I found someone. I truly felt comfortable having experienced, for myself, that I could date (and maybe even fall in love with), someone new who doesn’t take anything away from my marriage.

These days, I don’t feel any more jealousy over my husband having a date than some other social obligation. I’m happy that he’s happy — really!

4. Just like regular dating, it’s both fun and heartbreaking

When I started dating my OSO, I had been married for 6 years and had been with my now husband for 10. Falling in love with someone new was a seriously glorious experience. I never thought I would get the opportunity to feel the thrill of being asked by someone I liked on a date. “This is actually going to happen!”

Getting to know someone on that level was enlightening in so many ways. Most importantly, I learned a lot about myself and became more confident. My confidence grew not because I was dating but because there was something I wanted and I was courageous about going after it.

Of course, when that relationship ended I was heartbroken. And it’s been challenging to watch my husband be hurt. But we’ve grown closer and kinder to one another as we’ve supported each other through breakups. This benefit is one of the best things about polyamory; when you break up with someone, you aren’t alone!

5. It can be just as mundane as monogamy sometimes

Anyone practicing polyamory these days will tell you that scheduling can be the single most annoying part of the lifestyle. However, scheduling and time management is something we all navigate, poly or not.

Being stretched too thin and having too much to do is one of the less fantastic attributes of polyamory. But you probably already know what that’s like! Whether you’re spread too thin because of your kid’s ballet lessons or because you want time to spend with your OSO (or both), it’s a drag.

But you have the consolation of knowing that the reason (one of them at least) you’re so busy is because you’re doing something fun, enriching, and outside the bounds of what’s “normal.” “I don’t have as much time as I wish I did to have fabulous sex with my husband and my boyfriend” is a fun “problem” to have.

Exploring Your own Relationship Style

Whether you’re poly, thinking about being poly, or totally happy with monogamy, the good news is the world is becoming a more accepting place. Any relationship style is going to take some work and balance on your part but it’s always worth it in the end. Making connections with other wonderful people (however you go about it) is what life is all about!

If you want to read more about polyamory check out Monogamy = Monotony?—Why Couples Go Rogue, Millions Trying Open Marriage, or How an Open Relationship Can Possibly Work.

Making Long-Distance Relationships Work: How to Stay Connected When Your Love is Far Away

January 9, 2018January 22, 2024 by Kelley Lynnin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Finding love is tricky. Finding someone to love who lives nearby, or at least in a zip code not too far away, can be a challenge. But a long-distance relationship can present a unique opportunity to get close in other ways.

What if you connect with someone on every level, and you really like them a lot, but they are either moving away, or already live far away from you? What should you do? Keep dating them and get emotionally invested? What if it doesn’t work out? Should you continue seeing them, (gulp) long-distance? How does that even work? Can you get frequent-flyer miles for this sort of thing?

There are no guarantees that any relationship will work out in the long-run, so no one can give you a definite answer on that one. However, if you decide to go forward into a long-distance relationship with someone that you care about, there are certainly a few things you can do, to help your new love be as successful as possible.

Many years ago, back in 1998, to be exact, I was hanging out one night on my computer, in an AOL Music Trivia Chat Room. (they were all the rage back then) A man with the screenname “Wayabovepar” entered, and 5 hours later, we were still typing and chatting into the night.

He lived in Florida. I lived in NYC, and then New Jersey. We had a very happy (although challenging) long-distance relationship for almost 7 years, before he finally packed up his life and moved it to New Jersey, to start a new life with me.

We would marry in 2006, and live happily ever after, for 4 years and 9 months. He died at age 46, very suddenly, from a heart attack, and our time together was over. Would I do it all over again, knowing the ending? Of course. Love is always worth the risk. Every single time.

So, for those of you considering entering into a long-distance relationship, here are some ideas that should help you to navigate through it together, and to make it a successful love story.

Communication is key. You should do your best to start and end the day together.

Since you aren’t able to wake up in each other’s arms each morning, waking up to a good morning text or phone call is the next best thing for long-distance couples.

Know each other’s work schedules, at least generally, so that you can give your partner a nice greeting at the start of each day. “Good morning, sweetheart!”, is a lovely way to put a smile on your face, and begin the day with purpose. .

Create an outline or schedule that works for you both, a far as when you will talk each day. My late husband Don and I used to have a “nightly date” around 9pm each weeknight, where we would sit at our computers and talk on Instant Messenger. Then most nights, we would call each other for the last few minutes, to hear each other’s voices, and to say goodnight.

Set up something similar that works for the two of you, but make sure that communication is happening regularly.

Try to get as creative as possible, to make up for lack of physical time together.

It is really hard to not physically see the person you are in a relationship with, on a regular basis. However, there are several things you can do to help someone feel special, and to make up for the time you can’t be together in the same place.

My partner and I used to make care packages for each other. We would fill them with homemade cookies, goodies, magazine articles we thought the other might like to read, sexy or fun pictures (we didnt have cell phones yet, so we had to get pretty creative), and more.

We also used to make each other “mix tapes”, filled with songs we wanted the other person to hear. I used to mail him a few movies at a time that I owned, and he would watch them, and then give me his review. We would also send cards and love letters, quite often.

We would do these kinds of things spontaneously, in order to keep things fun and romantic, and to let the other person know they were being thought of.

These days, it’s easier than ever to find multiple ways to get creative. Talk to each other on Facetime or Skype. Play a board game or other game together this way. Watch a movie together on your laptops. Eat dinner together, or a nightly cup of coffee to talk about your day.

Make a short video for the other person, where you take them through a favorite neighborhood in your town, or where you just flirt with them for a few minutes and make them feel wanted. This kind of creativity is extremely important when you are miles and miles apart.

Have a plan in place for the future, and discuss your expectations.

This might seem obvious, but you’d be surprised at how many couples go into a long-distance relationship, without talking about their needs and wants for the future. If you are putting your time and energy into this person, you should at least begin discussing what your end goal is.

Will one of you be moving, eventually, to be closer to the other? If so, who? And when? Are you exclusive and committed to each other, even while this far away? How many times per month/year do you expect to see each other? Will you take turns traveling?

These are important things to know, because not everyone is capable of handling the same situation. Our long-distance relationship stretched over 7 years. I couldn’t have done it if I didn’t feel comfortable that we had a definite plan for him to relocate to where I lived.

Because he was leaving his life behind to come be with me, his expectation was that it was leading to marriage. He didn’t want to move his entire life somewhere new, unless this was the real thing. Both parties in the relationship need to be on the same page as to where this is going and when, in order for it to work.

Always keep each other in the loop when it comes to big life changes and events.

When you don’t see someone everyday, it’s easy for things to fall through the cracks when it comes to information. If you’re having a bad day, or a hard week, or if you had a wonderful thing happen to you at work, or you have to attend a good friend’s funeral – your partner should know about all that.

The thing you want to avoid is your partner not knowing what is going on in your life, and you in theirs. Keep each other informed, and be there for each other, whenever and however you can. When you’re far away, it’s even more important that you feel like the person you are doing all this sacrificing for, has your back.

This is the part where I tell you to have phone sex or cyber sex together.

You knew it was coming.(Get it? “Coming?”) It’s vital that you make priority time for one another, to be intimate in whatever ways you can be together.

There are many ways to do this in today’s modern technology world, so find what works for the two of you, and go for it. Make sexy videos. Plan a hot phone call. Create fantasies together and then bring them to life. Talk about all the naughty things you want to do next time you see each other. You get the idea.

Bottom line: Sex is important, especially when you are in a long-distant relationship.

If visits are an option, do it as much as you can.

People are in long-distance relationships for all sorts of reasons, and sometimes visiting is not an option (such as a partner in active duty military). If you are lucky enough to have the option to make visits to one another, plan them as carefully and as often as you can, and make them a priority.

Each time you see each other again and spend more time together in person, you will discover new parts of this person, and you will learn more about them. This will help you to know what they might be like on a day to day basis, and may help you determine what will eventually come of the relationship.

If it’s with the right person, and you both work at it, long-distance relationships can be very happy and successful. If I hadn’t have been willing all those years ago, to be patient and date this person even though he lived far away, I wouldn’t have met and fell in love with, one of the most beautiful people I have ever known.

Love is always worth the risk. Every single time.

For more ways to make your relationship stronger, check out “Normal” Sex for a Long-Distance Couple, 5 Ways You Can Make a Long Distance Relationship Work, or Long Distance Relationships: Do They Make the Heart Grow Fonder?.