Freya Shipley, Author at Love TV

6 Things You Can Do If Your Date Is a Mansplainer

October 9, 2017January 22, 2024 by Freya Shipleyin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

The first time I got trapped on a date with a mansplainer, I did not handle it well.

The guy seemed intriguing online. He had a sense of humor. When he messaged me, he used actual sentences. (Swoon.)

So we meet up for dinner, and I mention I’ve just come from teaching a Shakespeare workshop — and that’s when the tidal wave hits.

There I sit, annoyed and self-doubting, while an ill-informed CPA explains the Shakespeare canon to me. I try a few times to speak up, to let him know that I’m a graduate of a competitive drama school and I’ve been performing and teaching the plays for years. But he talks right over me.

After that, I’m embarrassed to say, I slide right into the traditional female role: listening politely, nodding, working hard to look suitably attentive and impressed.

The memory of it still makes me squirm.

The word “mansplaining” may be new, but the problem itself is timeless.

We all know what it’s like to be lectured by a guy who thinks his grasp of the topic (whatever it may be) is superior to yours just because he’s male. In her classic 2008 essay, “Men Explain Things To Me,” Rebecca Solnits points out how mansplaining “… crushes young women into silence by indicating, the way harassment on the street does, that this is not their world. It trains us in self-doubt and self-limitation….”

Since then, I’ve learned a lot about what to do when a date starts mansplaining.

First, it’s useful to clarify your personal goal in the situation. Do you want to help your companion understand the issue? Do you want to make sure he hears how you’re feeling? Or do you just want out of the conversation? How important is it to you to maintain a cordial relationship with this person?

Then comes deciding how to act. Consider whether you have anything to lose. As always, your top priority is your own safety. If you choose to confront your date, will that put you in any kind of danger? Is he in a position to make your life difficult in any way? (Hopefully you’re not dating a guy who has power over you, like a boss or a professor, but it does happen.)

Once you’ve figured out your goal and how you want to react, it’s time to tackle the hard part: deciding what to do.

I have some suggestions. Here are six conversational moves to choose from.

1. Interrupt.

“I know all about that subject, thanks.” Speak up as early in the conversation as possible. Use a calm, friendly voice. See how he responds. Does he hear what you’re saying? Does he change his tone? If so, you may have helped your companion “wake up” from an old habit.

Lots of boys get taught to lecture and compete in conversation, simply as part of growing up in our culture. They don’t get much choice about it. Your date may actually be grateful for your help finding a new perspective.

2. Ask tons of questions.

Such as:

“How do you know all this?”
“What are your qualifications in this field?”
“Do you know that I’m an expert in this area?”
“Would you like to hear my take on this subject?”
“Did you hear what I just said?”
“Are you aware that you sound like you’re lecturing?”
“Do you know how condescending it sounds when you speak to me like this?”

If a gentle interruption doesn’t do the trick, you may need to up your game. The questions in this list are arranged roughly in order of assertiveness. You could start out by sounding relatively polite and interested (“How do you know all this?”), then get more confrontational if you need to. If he talks over your questions, just keep asking more.

Your aim here is to encourage him to interact with you instead of mansplaining. If he truly doesn’t understand the problem, you may help him see the light by refusing to respond the way he expects you to (that is, with silent admiration.) If he does understand and is deliberately being an asshole, questioning can be a great way to give him a hard time.

3. Ask him a polite question.

…and design it to reveal your own knowledge and his essential ignorance. (“That’s fascinating. So what’s the exact process when the Cas9 protein and the gRNA form the riboprotein complex?”) The goal here is to maneuver him into a position where he’s forced to give in and admit he doesn’t know the answer.

4. Keep asking for further explanation of the very, very obvious.

Pretend to be helplessly confused. (“Wow, this is fascinating information about childbirth. Can you help me understand where the baby actually comes out?”) See how long it takes him to figure out that you’re jerking his chain. Extra points to him if he gets it and laughs! That shows he has a sense of humor and enough humility to listen to you and be affected by what you say.

5. Interrupt him, explain briefly why you’re leaving, then go.

Calling mansplaining out is one of the most direct, powerful conversational moves you can make. A lot of us women feel like it’s too direct, too confrontational, maybe even too scary. If that’s you, I encourage you to reconsider. Remember, a call-out isn’t about yelling or trying to hurt anyone. It’s just you standing your ground and speaking your truth in a steady voice. (You can even write yourself a script and practice at home with your cat before you meet your next hardcore mansplainer.)

6. Just get up and leave.

If you’re ready to grab your coat and bolt after the first fifteen minutes, you have a perfect right to do that. No explanations needed.

Mansplaining can seem so eye-rollingly absurd, we may sometimes be tempted to laugh it off. But it has deeper implications.

As Rebecca Solnit wrote: “Most women fight wars on two fronts, one for whatever the putative topic is and one simply for the right to speak, to have ideas, to be acknowledged to be in possession of facts and truths, to have value, to be a human being.”

That’s a struggle we all need to take seriously.

For more dating tips, check out this piece about effective communication around sex, or learn more about how to identify narcissistic behavior (as the narcissist is first cousin to the mansplainer).

How Accessing Your Inner Child Could Help You Learn To Love Again

October 26, 2017January 22, 2024 by Freya Shipleyin Body, Wellness

The secret to healing a broken heart may just be a matter of looking back to our younger selves.

A while back, I got smacked with a broken heart.

I don’t need to tell you what it’s like: the grief, the fury, the obsessive obsessing. You catch yourself staring into space like a shell-shocked bush baby. Bursting into sobs when a waiter asks what you want for lunch. Knowing beyond doubt that you’re a flabby warthog who will never again find love. Wondering if warthogs are allowed to join enclosed religious orders.

In the middle of all that, I got a rare chance to meet up with my three oldest and best friends. (Full disclosure: margaritas and Quelf were involved.) As the evening went on, full of laughter and warmth and good conversation, I was flooded by a wave of nostalgia. I missed those long afternoons of our childhood when the four of us were invincible Kate, Sara, Alyssa, and me. We were smart and fun and confident. Back when guys and breakups weren’t even on our radar.

Why can’t we feel like that now? I wondered.

Somewhere around the age of nine, girls get life down to a fine art.

We know exactly who we are. We’re writing poetry, building the ultimate cat gymnasium, proving Fermat’s Last Theorem, having burping contests with our friends and really trying to win. Because that’s our jam. We’re passionate about the environment or filmmaking or mapping the human genome.

Then, boom — the hormones hit and we forget it all.

As psychologist and writer Mary Pipher puts it, “Adolescence is when girls experience social pressure to put aside their authentic selves and to display only a small portion of their gifts.”

Here’s what I realized: to heal my heart and spirit, I would need to remind myself who that amazing kid was before she lost track of her true self. I’d need to get back in touch with her tastes and ambitions and passions, and start building them back into my life.

When it comes to healing a broken heart, it’s all about letting her lead the way. And it starts with three essential steps:

1. Talk to her again.

Start a journal and free-write about the things you loved as a kid. What did you crave? What did you love to do? Let your memories pour out without editing anything. Try to recall sensory details: who were you with? Where? What was the weather like? Include the smell of the grass, the sound of the ocean, the taste of your favorite candy.

Try writing in character as your nine-year-old self. (Or whatever age feels right to you.) How would you describe yourself? What’s going on in your life? Are you in your bedroom? At camp? Somewhere else? Who’s around? If you had complete freedom at this moment, what would you be doing?

If words aren’t working, try creating a collage or scrapbook. Images may jog your memory more effectively than words. Any old artwork or photos you’ve saved can be gold.

Chat with friends and siblings who remember the old days. Conversations with the people who’ve known you longest can sometimes bring back long-forgotten details.

2. Make a to-do list of childhood activities and goals.

When you think back to the childhood experiences that you remember, notice how they make you feel. Pay attention to the ones that still give you that flicker of excitement (or glee, or longing, or even envy). Those are the ones that are part of your core being. Write them down.

Some will be easy and cheap to do. (Examples from my list: “Buy tiara to wear grocery shopping”, “Plan water balloon fight w/Sara, Kate & Alyssa.”) Others may take a little more time, effort, or money. (“Sign up for riding lessons,” “write a novel,” “join the Sherlock Holmes Society of London.”)

Did you always want to learn welding? Find yourself a class. Did you want to be a poet, an architect, a wildlife rehabilitator? Start taking those dreams seriously. Track down groups and communities that will support you.

3. Go outside and play.

Here’s the one absolutely essential rule: You have to actually do the things on your list. That’s where real healing starts.

Does playing like a kid seem embarrassing? Are you worried that some concerned bystander is going to sneak up on you with a straitjacket? I get it, I really do.

Don’t worry. Just take a deep breath and keep gluing chocolate chips onto your friend’s face in a decorative pattern.

As all artists know, play is not just for children. It’s powerful. It creates, reveals, and renews, and it’s the best way to reconnect with your authentic self.

Here are some examples from my notebook.

“I Wanted To Be a Trapeze Artist.”

There are clubs, schools, and camps all over the country that offer trapeze classes for beginners. Google “Cirque du Soleil classes” and you’ll find a bunch of intriguing possibilities. Many of these programs will also give you a taste of tightrope walking, juggling, and other circus-y thrills. And you don’t have to be an athlete to try them.

“I Loved Bouncing On the Bed.”

Wheee! If you have a fragile bed frame and/or low ceilings, you may want to try a trampoline instead. Or check online to find a local gymnastics class. If the sensation of flight is what you crave, then mere bouncing may not be enough. You may need to get out there and start hang-gliding, parasailing, or skydiving.

“I Was In the Best Secret Club Ever.”

Adults can have secret clubs, too. All you need to start one is a friend (who can keep a secret). From there, things can get as elaborate as you want. Make sure you have a secret hideout. Yes, you could just meet up in the living room, but it’s much better to pick a place like the roof, the attic, or the space under the stairs. Bring in some blankets and apples.

Underneath all the pain and heartbreak, that confident nine-year-old kid is still there inside you.

Take her seriously. When it comes to healing a broken heart, it starts by celebrating the talented, complex, amazing person you really are at every age.

For more reading on finding yourself, read this powerful essay on how we can make ourselves small in the pursuit of love — and how we can fix it.

6 Literary Reasons Women Love “Fictional” Guys (And The Real Life Versions You Can Daydream About)

December 5, 2017January 22, 2024 by Freya Shipleyin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Your taste in men may be bookish but it doesn’t have to limit your romantic fantasies.

In this age of sexting and leftward swipes, a few of us women are on a whole different — or, dare we say, scholarly — wavelength. Our dates may not realize it, but we’re secretly comparing them to the hottest guys we know: guys who are — um, well — fictional.

Why are we so thirsty for men who don’t actually exist? Here are the six big reasons:

1. Every date is an adventure.

Your first night out together is likely to include:

a perilous chase across London in a hansom cab
a mad flight to Gretna Green
an untoward occurrence at the opera
witty banter in elegant surroundings
cutting a dash together on the dance floor
joining forces to solve a fiendish murder involving stolen emeralds, the vicar, and a sinister missive delivered by a veiled woman.

Some of us just crave the unexpected. We love the instant intimacy created by a shared adventure. Even when things get dangerous, we still prefer that to an evening at home with Netflix.

The Real-Life Version: Chris Pratt rented an entire ship so he could woo his beloved while sailing up the Thames — a date that Anna Faris called “wildly romantic”.

2. You prefer intensity to politeness.

If passion’s your jam, you have plenty of fictional fantasy heroes to choose from, ranging from Heathcliff all the way to Captain Hook. Those restless bad boys are some of our all-time favorites. He may be a vampire or keep his first wife locked in the attic, but he’ll never be boring.

The Real-Life Version: Oscar Isaac is far from bad, but he definitely lives life on his own terms. He started having adventures young, got expelled from school, played lead guitar in a successful ska-punk band, then graduated from the famously competitive and prestigious acting program at Juilliard.

3. To him, Debrett’s Peerage is hotter than Fifty Shades of Grey.

In our hyper-connected modern world, we’ve all read the same books and hung out on the same websites. But this man is different. We can’t begin to imagine what he’s been reading: after all, he went to college in 1920s Cambridge or 1500s Wittenberg. His whole frame of reference is deliciously mysterious.

The Real-Life Version: The smart and erudite Jason Momoa is an expert on wildlife and marine biology. His wide-ranging studies have included painting in Paris and Buddhism in Tibet.

4. He’ll restrain himself for weeks before venturing to touch your ungloved hand.

He’ll lead you out onto the dance floor or in to dinner, but he won’t touch your bare skin for a long, long time. He’ll think about it, of course. You both will. There’ll be simmering desire and barely-suppressed passion. When you finally do touch, you’ll be dizzy with lust. Yes, this will drive you crazy, but in a good way. And it definitely makes life exciting.

The Real-Life Version: Benedict Cumberbatch was friends with Sophie Hunter for seventeen years before he proposed.

5. The two of you share steamy, yet historical, fantasies.

Such as:

a barouche
a quizzing glass
cravats/waistcoats/top boots
a bathing machine
the Crimean War
an unexpected encounter on a balcony/in a ballroom/in the Piazza San Marco/at Almack’s/on the moor

For some of us literasexuals, pretty much anything historical can be romantic. Do you dream of torrid love-notes written on parchment with a quill pen? Would you swoon over a gent who, instead of sending body part pics, offered you a lock of his hair set in a golden brooch?

The Real-Life Version: Orlando Bloom is a luddite who never emails and doesn’t even own a computer. Plus he looks great in period costumes, and he’s probably a dab hand with a quill.

6. He owns a National Trust property in Cornwall/Derbyshire/Illyria.

The best fictional fantasy heroes always have a jaw-dropping home to sweep you away to. (Remember Elizabeth Bennet sneaking over to check out the closet space at Pemberley before saying “I do”?)

The Real-Life Version: Britain’s Prince Harry has a dazzling array of royal dwellings at his disposal. It would be hard to imagine anything more lush and gorgeous than his official London residence, Kensington Palace.

7. Whatever the obstacles between you, he’ll suffer agonies over you rather than transfer his attentions to another, less troublesome, lady.

Once your fictional fantasy guy falls for you, he stays fallen. The whole “plenty of fish” mentality is totally foreign to him. Come hell or high water, piracy, missing wills, misunderstandings, or years of enforced separation when he’s been unjustly imprisoned, you’re still the only one for him.

The Real-Life Version: When Colin Firth first spotted his wife-to-be across a crowded plaza in Cartagena, it was love at first sight. Never mind that millions of women all over the planet were fantasizing about him — he knew instantly that no matter what, Livia Giuggioli was his one and only.

Is there a way your leading man can leap off of the page and into your life?

Our examples may be too rich and famous to be attainable, but these qualities are not. Use these romantic fantasies to identify what is important to you — you just might be a date away from your own epic love story.

For more reading on our fantasies, check out this list of 30 (!) fantasies to inspire you or this wild look into the life of a phone fantasy hotline worker.

Five Journaling Exercises To Help You Accept Compliments From Others

January 29, 2018January 22, 2024 by Freya Shipleyin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Many women have a hard time with compliments. These journaling exercises may help.

When a colleague says something nice, we may automatically contradict her (“Are you hammered? I’ve gained four pounds this month.”) or deflect it (“My team members did the real work.”) or sometimes we get all flustered and awkwardly try to force the compliment back on the giver. (Them: “You’re one of the most enchanting women I’ve ever met.” Me: “No, you are!”)

Even when we respond “correctly” by thanking the person, not arguing or dissing ourselves, or visibly writhing, in our hearts we may still discount the positive words. “He wouldn’t say that if he really knew me,” you may think.

There are reasons for the way we respond to compliments, most of them related to the ways girls are taught to handle power, status, and confidence in social situations.

I’m not going to tell you that you should never argue or deflect. But sometimes the problem comes down to our own self-esteem and the critical voices in our heads. When that happens, it’s worth taking a fresh look at old patterns that may be holding us back.

The following five journalling exercises can help you become more aware of your habitual responses to compliments.

Why journaling? Your first goal is to just notice what’s going on for you: not to critique or correct anything. (You can move on to that later if you decide to.) Journaling is a private way to do that while being kind to yourself.

And as you try the following journaling exercises, keep these things in mind:

You can do these practices in any order.
Each one will take at least 15 minutes to complete.
Claim some quiet time and space to make sure you won’t be interrupted.
Try to write without editing.

Ready? Here we go:

1. Experiment with acceptance.

Write down a meaningful compliment for yourself. It can be something someone else said to you, or it can come from you. Write it down. Imagine accepting it as authentic truth: what would that feel like? Is there resistance? Write about the feelings that come up, both positive and negative.

Pick someone who admires you and describe yourself from their point of view. If you finding your “voice” in this exercise is difficult, pretend you’re a novelist writing as a character. Keep your pen or cursor moving for the whole time, no matter what. What did you learn by seeing yourself through someone else’s eyes?

3. Use the power of projection.

Write down three things you admire about someone you know. For instance, I wrote about my friend, saying: “I love Pamela’s creative imagination, her elegance, and her authority.” Now set a timer for five minutes, and write about how those same three qualities manifest in you. Be specific. No stopping or editing allowed.

Everything that we see out in the world is a projection of something that exists inside us. If you didn’t have those great characteristics in you, you wouldn’t be able to see them in anyone else.

4. Be mindful of unconscious habits.

Focus your attention on that split second when you’ve just been complemented, and you’re about to react. What automatic thoughts and feelings come up? Is there shame there? Fear? Anxiety? Stay with that moment for a while. Write down your discoveries.

When I did this journaling exercise, I realized that I often contradict compliments because I’m scared of seeming cocky. I’m worried that if I sound too confident, somebody will demand that I prove my worth on the spot or else be judged an arrogant fake.

5. Start a “compliment collection.”

Each time you get a compliment, write it down. You can also keep track of how you responded, especially if you’re working on changing that. This practice is valuable if you’re the kind of person (like me) who instantly forgets compliments. Some demon in my brain believes I have no right to them, so it flings them away. Instead of arguing or deflecting, I just erase.

True story: I recently finished a month-long intensive storytelling workshop. We ended with a lovely exercise where we took turns being showered with genuine praise and appreciation from the group. I was so thrilled and moved and honored by people’s feedback on my work, I actually cried.

Yet a half hour later, I couldn’t have told you what a single one of those comments was.

A compliment is a gift of human connection: one person taking the time to hold the mirror up to another person’s worth.

That’s something that each of us deserves. As you try these journaling exercises, use them as opportunities to remind yourself about that.

For more self-care techniques beyond journaling exercises, check out eight more ways you can spend time appreciating you. And don’t take our word for it — Brie Larson also has some great advice on this!