Tag: Love

Are You Using the Right Gender Identity Words to Describe Yourself and Others?

by RJ Newellin LOVE

Happy LGBTQ Pride Month!

According to a recent survey, 20 percent of Millennials identify as LGBTQ. LoveTV is proud to celebrate love and conscious connection for all genders, orientations and partnership configurations!

How to talk about identity and sexual preferences without making things awkward.

Male hands painted in LGBT flag making heart on white background

“Hold on…what does gender have to do with love? For those of us who identify as pansexual, the answer is “not a whole lot!” But for the unaware, under-educated and/or totally confused among us, gender can be a tricky subject to discuss on first dates, family gatherings or intimate conversations. To avoid any future awkwardness, how about a quick vocabulary lesson?

Whether you’re looking to learn the basics or reaffirm what you know about yourself or your loved ones, welcome to the conversation. Let’s talk!

Gender Identity 101

Whether you’re exploring for yourself or someone else, the first step in understanding gender topics is familiarizing oneself with the appropriate language. Below are a few common terms to expand your gender vocabulary, with links to further exploration. Feel free to ask questions or share this with others.

Common Terms:

Sex: Regarded by many as the legal and/or medical category one’s genitals fall under. A baby born with a penis is considered legally male. A baby born with a vagina is medically categorized as female. A baby born with genitals not entirely ‘either-or’ is considered intersex. (Fun fact: intersex babies are nearly as common as redheads.)

Gender: Regarded by many as a cultural or social construct, which may or not match one’s legal “sex.” Your gender and sex may match, or they may not. Both may be subject to change.

Gender Identity: This term describes your inner sense of gender. Just as our given names may or may not suit us, our assigned gender may or may not match our identities. But unlike simply changing your name, gender identity is not a choice.

Cisgender: This word is used to describe an individual whose gender identity aligns with the gender assigned at birth. If you’re born with female genitalia, and identify as strictly female, you are considered a cisgender female.

Cisnormative: The assumption that all (or most) people are cisgender. This is a negative term, because regarding cisgender as ‘the norm’ excludes those who are not cisgender. Cisnormative thinking is faulty thinking because it assumes that non-cis people are somehow abnormal.

Nonbinary: Gender is not black or white, male or female, one or the other. To identify as nonbinary means to acknowledge that one falls somewhere on a spectrum, rather than “either-or.” Nonbinary individuals express their identities in diverse ways. This is more of an umbrella term, under which a number of more specific words exist. (See the resource links below for more information.)

Transgender: An individual whose identity does not match the gender assigned to them at birth. (For example, an individual who was born male, but self-identifies as female, is a Transgender woman – whether or not she goes through with surgical reassignment is a personal choice.) In speaking of and to a trans individual, it is important to refer to them according to their preferred gender pronoun, not the one they were born to/grew up with.

Gender Spectrum: Gender is a personal journey. Using the Gender Spectrum in referring to yourself or others is a great way to avoid binary thinking. If “male” is on one end of the spectrum, and “female” is on the other, many people fall somewhere in the middle. You may be closer to one end than the other, but it’s healthy to acknowledge the spectrum for what it is – a sliding scale of individual identity.

Gender Roles: Have you ever watched children play house? If the little girl bakes cookies while the little boy pretends to fix a toy car, they are acting out traditional (and utterly outdated) “roles” assigned to their gender. Reinforcing these stereotypes can be damaging to people of all identities. If the little boy would like to bake cookies while the little girl fixes the car, that’s great! They are simply behaving according to their personal needs and not worrying about ‘playing the part.’ People struggling with their true gender identities may perform assigned gender roles to hide. A more self-accepting individual may wish to disrupt the role they’ve been conditioned to play, if they feel it restricts their identity.

Gender Expression: The way one chooses to present their gender identity. Gender can be expressed in clothing, movement, makeup, speech, creative endeavors and more. Sometimes, gender expression is forced (see: Gender Roles). Other times, gender expression unfolds naturally as the individual grows up and evolves. How you express your gender may be different from your partner, and that’s great!

Gender Attribution: How others perceive one’s gender, from the outside looking in. If strangers perceive me as cisgender, but I identify as nonbinary, then they’re viewing me from a binary (cisnormative) perspective. Gender Attribution can present many problems for transgender individuals, especially before or during transition. Regardless of where one falls on the spectrum, Gender Attribution can be an issue. It’s important for allies (of all genders, cultures and groups) to be open to diversity in others.

Ally: The Queer Dictionary defines an Ally as “a person who is not a member of an oppressed group but who supports civil rights and social movements associated with the group. An ally acknowledges his or her position of relative privilege and uses that position to create change within the larger culture and society.

Allies are important, no matter where on the spectrum you lie. Whether you identify as cisgender, transgender, nonbinary, etc – you can be an ally to others. This list of common terms is only the beginning – let this be your conversation starter!

If you’d like more information on gender identity, LGBTQ rights and more, here are some helpful resources:

The Queer Dictionary
The Trever Project
GLAAD Resources

Do you have a resource to recommend? Please share in the comments, below. Additional comments, thoughts and personal stories are always welcome, too!

Happy Pride Month, beloved readers. Your identity is worth celebrating!

Dating Deal Breaker: Animal Abuse

by RJ Newellin RELATIONSHIPS

I found myself analyzing how my ex-partners had treated their pets.

Deal breakers. Most of us can think of at least one or two things that could immediately change the way we feel about our partners. Cheating, for me, is a deal breaker. Physical violence is also a deal breaker. Robbing a daycare is definitely a deal breaker for me, but that’s a story for another day. Point is – most of us have them. But some deal breakers may not be immediately clear, or even what you’d think to look out for.

Here’s one red flag you should consider: How does your partner treat their pets?

Michael* was a dreamy dude. He had all the qualities I thought I wanted at the time: good looks, a great job, big dreams, and a stellar sense of adventure. He was the kind of man I imagined would help an old woman cross the street, or return a lost wallet. It felt right to imagine him saving kittens from trees. He was just that kind of guy!

I was in for a nasty surprise.

After a few formal dates, Michael invited me over for a casual evening of movies and food – two out of three of my favorite things! Imagine how excited I was when I found that he also had my third favorite thing…a tiny little dog named Dino.

After my first introduction with Dino, Michael promptly put him in his crate. It was late at night, so I figured that yes, Dino slept in his crate. But less than five minutes into Netflix and Chill, Dino started to whimper. Then Michael began to yell.

“Shut UP!” he screamed at the trembling dog. This was no exaggeration – he truly screamed as if the house were on fire. But there was no fire, only a tiny, fearful dog. Dino obeyed his commands for a few moments…during which Michael told me (with a smile) that “Dino does this all the time.”

I was already uncomfortable, but tried to shrug it off. Perhaps Michael was having a bad day? I tried hard just to stare at the movie, to get through this evening, until…

“I’m gonna kill him, I swear,” Michael growled. He paused the movie and stood up. At that point, Dino looked like he was having a panic attack. A tiny, trembling panic attack. Michael walked over and kicked Dino’s crate so hard that it moved. The dog’s face bounced backward from the impact on metal.

“Michael!” I gasped. “Why did you do that?” He shrugged and resumed watching the movie. I sat as far away from him on the couch as I could. I couldn’t concentrate on the drama onscreen when there was clearly too much in the room. It wasn’t long before Dino was crying again, and I winced at every whine.

I watched Michael walk over again, open the crate, and grab the dog’s face with clenched fingers.

“I’d smack you to the moon, if the lady wasn’t here,” he threatened, with a disturbingly flirty side-eye toward me. There went my fantasy of Michael as an old lady helper and kitten-saver. This guy was a monster.

From across the room, I stared into Dino’s watery eyes and saw a future in them. A future I’d do anything to avoid.

According to the Domestic Violence Roundtable and the Animal Defense Fund, there is a strong link between animal abuse and domestic violence. Upon entering shelters, many victims of domestic abuse report that their abuser has brought physical harm to family pets as well as their partners and children. A third of victims also report that their children have harmed animals too, as a way to win approval from the abuser and/or avoid violence toward themselves. Animal cruelty investigations often lead to (and go hand in hand with) long-term domestic violence.

Animal abusers harm animals as a way to impose control over others. Perhaps Dino was Michael’s way of expressing his need to dominate at all costs, and the impact of seeing his actions on me led to feelings of fear, isolation and responsibility. After less than an hour at Michael’s house, I feared that the dog would suffer more if I broke up with him.

To say Michael’s animal abuse was a “dealbreaker” might be an understatement. That incident unraveled everything I thought about the people I dated. I found myself analyzing how my ex-partners had treated their pets. At the beginning of every first date from then on, I made sure to bring pets into the conversation. I would never again date someone who mistreated animals.

Animal abuse is abuse, end of story. And if you find yourself in this situation, there are things you can do.

  1. Put your own safety first. If you fear violence from a partner or family member, call your local or national domestic abuse help line immediately (find your local help line here). This first part is important. You won’t be able to help the animal(s) if your life and well-being are at risk. Once you’re certain that you’re safe, move on to number 2:
  2. If you suspect an animal is in danger, call your local shelter, veterinarian or law enforcement. Animal cruelty is a crime. The end.
  3. If you are able to remove the animal from the situation, arrange a temporary living arrangement with a friend, family member or animal rescue. You’re not alone in wanting to help.

Animal abuse is one of those major red flags that you might not find until well after the first date. Luckily, there’s some new legislation (gaining buzz across the United States) aiming to legalize Animal Abuse Registries. In the way that you might find convicted US sex offenders on your local database, animal abusers may soon join the list. According to Shared.com, “Tennessee is the only state [so far] to have an animal offenders registry, but other cities like New York and Cook County, Illinois have them at a local level.” (Link) If you’d like similar laws passed in your area, contact your elected officials and let them know!

What do you think about animal abuse as a deal breaker? Share your thoughts with us, below. 

*Certain names have been changed for anonymity and legal purposes.

Not All Domestic Abusers Are Men

by RJ Newellin Mind

It’s far too easy to overlook that cruelty has no gender.

I used to share an apartment with a committed, monogamous couple. John* was nice, albeit a little moody at times. His girlfriend Jenny was generally polite… to me. But the way she treated her partner was unacceptable. At times, it was downright abusive.

Imagine what would happen if I found John pushing Jenny into a corner, screaming expletives and slapping her in the face. I’d immediately call the police, even if Jenny begged me not to. I’d have seen this scenario on TV enough to know that Jenny was a victim.

But when my other roommate and I walked in on Jenny pushing John into a corner, screaming expletives and slapping him, we didn’t know what to do. John was bigger and stronger than Jenny, we thought. If he was “letting her do this,” then he must have done something to deserve it…right? Wrong.

As the months went on, Jenny’s abusive behavior continued. My other roommate and I avoided going home at all costs, hoping they’d just “sort it out somehow.” Eventually, I moved out. John continued to be victimized until he somehow mustered the courage to leave.

Months later, Jenny had a new boyfriend… and her pattern of abuse continued. In a chance meeting, I finally confronted her. “Why do you treat your partners like this?”

She grinned and said, “A real man can handle it.” 

My jaw dropped. “What would you do if he pushed you away?”

“Call the police,” she replied. “Duh.”

This exchange was shocking for several reasons. First, she genuinely thought she had a right to physically hurt men, while they had no right to defend themselves. Second, she used toxic stereotypes to her advantage, emasculating her partners if they couldn’t “handle” her abuse. Third… her new boyfriend was right there. Listening. Saying nothing.

Why did he (or John) put up with this woman’s abuse? The same reason people stay with violent male partners: they’re under the abusers’ control.

The majority of convicted domestic abusers are male, but cruelty has no gender.

As right as our legal systems are in doing what they can to protect women, what resources are there for men? If John were to ask his male friends for advice, would they just laugh it off? And if he were to call the police, would he be taken seriously?

I saw this same dynamic with a lesbian couple I was once close with in college.

Maria came to class with bruises on her upper arms. She laughed it off, saying her girlfriend got jealous over a text message and “pushed me around a little.” Was this abuse? Yes. But because her partner was a woman, Maria said it felt “silly to make it a problem.”

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have been physically abused by an intimate partner. Studies have also estimated that 1 in 7 men will be victims of “severe” physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetimes.

Not all of these “intimate partners” are male. But because male perpetrators are more common, female abusers have learned to rationalize their behavior as permissible – and people around them do, too.

How do abusive women rationalize their bad behavior?

A simple Google search presented some alarming results. Even on social websites like Jezebel, where gender equality is said to be valued, posts like this one present female-on-male domestic abuse as acceptable – even humorous. 

With all the progress we’ve made for feminism and gender equality, why do we continue to overlook abuse?

Just a few generations ago, it was still legal and “acceptable” for men to beat and rape their wives in the United States. It was supposedly the man’s “right” to exert physical violence if he thought it was “necessary,” and it was the woman’s “place” to take it, especially if she somehow “deserved it.” Reading this, I couldn’t help but remember Jenny’s chilling rationalization of her violence toward John.

Abuse is never the victim’s fault, regardless of gender, status, or personal disagreement.

Domestic abuse toward women was legal and seen as “acceptable” until victims and allies stood up together to do something to stop it. Today, male-on-female domestic abuse is still a problem, but it’s not “okay” or “humorous” in most modern circles. So why is abuse toward men seen this way?

Why the double standard?

I don’t know why female abusers continue to fly under the radar, especially with so many groups advocating for equality. But I do know that those of us who have seen it happen – and done nothing to stop it – have become part of the problem.

Female abusers are less likely than men to be reported or even labeled as “abusers” by bystanders. But they’re not any less dangerous.

Sometimes, all it takes is one phone call to ultimately save a life. By waiting for the victim to “do something about it,” we are putting the blame on them while allowing the perpetrator to continue in crime.

“…Women tend to abuse men differently than men abuse women,” Victoria Ramos writes for PsychCentral. “Women generally favor emotional abuse tactics, making the abuse much more difficult to detect.”

Dr. Jill Murray, an expert on destructive relationships, has shared some crucial concepts to understand about domestic abusers:

  • Abuse is a learned behavior. It is learned from seeing it used as an effective tool of control—usually in the home in which [s]he grew up.
  • Abuse is not a natural reaction to an outside event.
  • It is not normal to behave in a violent manner within a personal relationship.
  • Abusers deny that abuse has occurred or make light of an abusive episode.
  • Abusers blame the victim, other people, or outside events for the abusive attack.
  • Abusers don’t act because they are out of control. They choose to respond to a situation violently. They are making a conscious decision to behave in an abusive manner.
  • Abusers know what they are doing and what they want [from their partner].
  • Abusers act out of a need for control and domination, not anger.
  • Abusers are not reacting to stress.
  • Abusers may at times be loving and gentle, charming and engaging, hard workers and good students.

A physically or emotionally violent relationship is not about love. It’s control, it’s abuse, and it’s wrong. If you are a victim of domestic violence, don’t wait to reach out for help. It’s not your job to change your abusive partner. Your only responsibility is to keep yourself safe — even if you love them, and even if they’re sorry. Domestic abusers can (and should) seek help from professionals. But your only responsibility is to seek help for yourself.

Resources For Help:

Educational Resources:

No matter your gender (or theirs), you are not alone. LoveTV welcomes thoughts, comments, and perspectives from victims and families of all identities, orientations, and relationship configurations. Let’s keep this conversation going. Share your thoughts or questions below!

*John and Jenny’s names have been changed to protect their anonymity.

True Love Lessons from Sierra: Be Yourself

by Sierra Mercierin LOVE

Do you believe true love exist? I do.

I’m Sierra. My Husband Andre and I were the first couple to win Knot Dream Wedding.

Follow me as I share how I attracted true love into my life. I’ll share tips and stories that help open your heart to all love’s possibilities.

We’re going to share lots of love stories.

Episode 5. Be Yourself.

Hola from Costa Rica!

sierra mercierThe right person for you is going to fall in love with you for who you are just as you are. We know that when we first start seeing someone, we all put on our best face and for good reason.

You want to show that person your best self. That’s all good. But if you continue to be anyone than yourself, you may end up attracting the wrong person. Me personally, I’m kind of a goofball. In past failed relationships, I often tried to be what I thought that person wanted me to be. Which wasn’t myself.

Or, I’d try to be myself, and it’d turned that person off. With Andre however, we were living as roommates so I had no choice but just be myself right from the beginning. I really think that’s what allowed him to fall in love with me just as I am. Not me pretending to be who I thought he wanted me to be. But just silly me!

Tune in next time for more True Love Lessons with Sierra.

From around the world!

What Losing 14 Pounds In 8 Weeks Taught Me About Self-Love

by Becca Martinin LOVE

I didn’t have a problem with food, I had a problem with myself.

A few months ago I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw.

I tugged and pulled at my skin. I found new stretch marks emerging in new places. I cried a lot and more than anything because I started hating myself. I started hating my body, hating who I became, hating everything in my life. I became miserable and I let it completely consume and destroy me.

I had gained 14 pounds in under a year. In that year I stopped exercising and I stopped caring about what I was eating, and that lead me to stop caring about most things in general.

I became the unhappiest I’ve ever been and I knew I couldn’t keep living like this. I decided it was time to drastically change my life.

It became an obsession.

I signed up for an eight-week challenge and I started spending an hour and a half to two hours in the gym each day. I started turning down foods and going to eat with my friends.

I started getting excited every time I saw the number on the scale drop and I started standing on that scale several times each day. It became an obsession. In eight weeks I lost all the weight I gained and was back down to where I usually was.

Then I quit.

I wasn’t me.

I quit because I still wasn’t happy. I was saying no to things I wanted to say yes to. I was cranky and miserable. I didn’t go out with my friends, I’d turn down going to eat because I didn’t want to be faced with temptations.

I started weighing my chicken and drinking protein shakes religiously.  I started counting calories like it was no one’s business.

I wasn’t me.

I wasn’t happy, even when those 14 pounds were gone.

I went from one extreme to the other. I went from eating everything to eating restrictively. I went from miserable to a new form of miserable.

And that’s when it hit me. I spent all that time hating myself and for what?

Losing those 14 pounds didn’t make me happier.

Sure, I felt good every time I stepped on the scale, but I felt bad every time I mentally fought with myself over what to eat for dinner because nothing sounded good.

It felt good when I saw my rolls shrink, but it didn’t feel good when all my friends went out and I stayed home because I didn’t want to risk consuming extra calories.

I can’t hate myself into someone I love.

At the end of those eight weeks plus or minus those 14 pounds the same people still loved me.

No one loved me any more or less because the weight I gained or lost. They loved me and enjoyed me no matter how much the number on the scale reads.

They love me for who I am beneath my skin, my fat and my muscle.

It was important for me to realize that the only love I could change with my habits was my love for my own body.

I couldn’t hate myself into someone I loved – it doesn’t work that way.

I am still the same person I always have been. I am still me, and weight gain and loss doesn’t change that.

But finding a happy medium changes that. I stopped counting calories and started living. I stay active but not restrictive and now I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.

Life is all about balance and that balance is key to help you live your best life, whatever that means for you.

If you liked this piece, we think you’ll also enjoy this story about loving yourself after extreme weight loss.

Being Alone Doesn’t Have To Be A Prison Sentence

by Ola Faletiin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Love is a many-splendored (and multifaceted) thing. But unrealistic definitions of it are really to blame if you’re single and sad.

I’m a card-carrying member of the singles club. The combined time I’ve spent in a relationship is about a year. I’m only 25 so it’s not a massive deal, but it is real. In my lonelier months, it sucks to be in “Couplesville,” which can seem to be any and everywhere. Like many millennials, I am an avid googler, and occasionally “I’m single and sad” will be a frequent search result.

I’m not alone; more people are living the single life than ever. The US Census Bureau reported 107 million single adults in 2015, about 45 percent of the US adult population. That’s a sharp jump from 1950, when married adults outnumbered single folks by nearly double.

There are a number of possibilities to explain why this is. We live in a less conservative America now. Women have more economic and professional autonomy. But could it also be that our ideas on love are changing?

The kind of love we often see in media is simply not real.

However, less Americans getting married doesn’t mean that our deep-seeded, cultural ideas about love disappear overnight. Giants like Disney sell us the song-and-dance of romance, skimming around the fact that romantic love as we sell it isn’t accessible for everybody. And cultural norms often make it much tougher for anyone seen as not conventionally attractive (which includes but is not limited to people who have physical disabilities, are overweight, subvert gender binaries, aren’t light-skinned or thin) in their quest for a life partner.

But love is hardly impossible, especially if we broaden its definition.

Deep friendships can be just as rewarding.

forever alone single woman

Women like Diane Keaton, Condoleezza Rice, and Shonda Rhimes are proof of a robust life sans partner. They have their various reasons for singledom of course, but I’m positive they’ve reaped the benefits of platonic love. We all have.

The first love we ever experience is within the family. Then after the family, within friendships. Do you remember your first friend? Back when the only expectations you had were to see each other semi-regularly and share toys? As feminist scholar bell hooks says her book, in All About Love, “…friendship is the place in which a great majority of us have our first glimpse of redemptive love and caring community. Learning to love in friendships empowers us in ways that enable us to bring this love to other interactions with family or with romantic bonds.”

Friendship love is long-lasting and more flexible than typical romance. You’d be hard-pressed to love someone halfway across the world, who you only contact via email and Skype, and maybe see 2-5 times a year and make it work romantically. On the other hand, I have several friendships that ascribe to the above factors.

It doesn’t mean children are out of the equation.

family, transport, safety, road trip and people concept - happy

Platonic love has that extra give, where jealousy, anger and expectations are tempered. No wonder “platonic parenting” is gaining popularity, where two or more people are raising a child together without a romantic relationship between the parents.

Of course, raising children outside of a two-parent, heteronormative relationship is nothing new or even particularly unique. In medieval Europe communal living was the norm; households often included widows, orphans, widows and friends in addition to parents with children. In an Israeli kibbutz, multiple families live communally, and children are raised together by a female caretaker. While not the norm among Israelis, kibbutzim has nonetheless existed for over a century.

This year, I visited a good friend of mine in New Mexico. They were part of a tight-knit and loving queer community, one where a pregnant woman could leave her partner and still know that her child would be cared for by a tribe of people. And now, that child is well-cared for by many members of that chosen family.

Love is love… even when it isn’t romantic.

Our meatiest feelings shouldn’t just be reserved for the romantic loves of our lives. It should be reserved for the people who make us feel most loved and most whole. Our friends, our blood family, our pets, and whoever else falls into that category.


For another look into an alternative view on love, check out this story about taking a “relationship hiatus.”

7 Love Lessons I Learned from the Amazon Show “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel”

by Kate Oczypokin LOVE, Mind, RELATIONSHIPS, Wellness

Did you fall in love with the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel too? I sure did.

After Mad Men ended, it seemed like we were left with a void of really good 1950s and ‘60s period shows.

Personally, I love the era and was excited to see The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, a show on Amazon that fit the bill. It premiered around the holidays and I never followed up with watching it. However, once it won a couple Golden Globes earlier this year, I was intrigued.

Here are seven love lessons I learned from the show. *Warning* Spoilers ahead.

1. Love yourself first.

Miriam “Midge” Maisel was a typical 1950s housewife, mid-20s, two children and a husband. She’s highly educated (Bryn Mawr) and was raised Jewish in the Upper West Side in New York City.

On the surface, her life seemed perfect. However, what struck a chord with me the most was how Midge couldn’t even get a good night’s sleep. She literally had to wait until her husband Joel fell asleep to creep into the bathroom and remove her makeup.

She then had to make sure she woke up before him to put the entire “face” back on before he woke up. It made me realize how important it is to love yourself first, that your significant other needs to see you, no makeup, bedhead and all. That is what true love is.

2. Love your career, even if it scares you.

Night after night of watching her husband bomb in stand-up comedy at a local café, Midge supported her significant other by bringing beef brisket to get him on stage at an earlier time.

She was meticulous about taking notes on Joel’s routine and it’s clear how much she enjoyed comedy. It wasn’t until he left her that she drunkenly headed to the same café and absolutely killed it in her own improv stand-up act.

Throughout the series, viewers see her fears combined with her “You know what, I actually don’t give a damn” attitude that made her rise to the top.

I personally chose freelance writing and teaching piano as a career path and it is scary. he money’s not the best and neither are the hours. That being said, it is a career I truly adore. I can’t imagine doing anything else now.

3. Love your co-workers.

When I worked full-time at a newspaper, I was overly cautious about my co-workers, particularly females—not Midge Maisel though.

When she gets a job at a department store makeup counter post-separation from her husband, she found a group of true female friends who support each other every step of the way. I learned that loving your co-workers is a great way to form a certain camaraderie. Support is so important, especially in this day and age.

Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

4. Love life.

Midge didn’t take life too seriously, and that’s what made her so likeable. No matter what life brings your way, it’s important to remember to laugh at it sometimes.

Midge ended up breaking up with her partner, moved in with her parents and figured out life on her own for the first time at 26. I’ve always imagined I love life, but after watching Mrs. Maisel it is just reiterated it even more now. Loving life is so important. After all, we only get one chance.

5. Love your parents, they only want what’s best for you.

If you think your parents are meddling, just wait until you watch Midge’s. As much as I began to remember the times growing up where my own parents seemed to be prying, I also recalled how much they love me. They sacrificed so much for my four siblings and me and I know, just like Rose and Abe, Midge’s mother and father, they only want what’s best for me.

6. Love your heritage.

Midge was raised Jewish and while she often used her background as fodder for her comedy routine, she loved the heritage that made her who she was. It took until the very end of the season for her to finally use her real name, a decision she struggled with until the very end.

I learned that no matter what others say about the way I was raised, or my Catholic background, you name it, it is important to love your background. Also, as crazy as my last name is, I embrace it because it makes me unique and reminds me of my Ukrainian roots.

7. Love your city.

Midge just adored New York City, her hometown. The show did a wonderful job showing the city circa the late ‘50s.

I live in Washington, D.C. and sometimes I forget to take advantage of the gorgeous city I reside in. I realize now how much I need to be more like Midge and truly love my city. It’s important to get out and enjoy your local bars and restaurants and community events.

Often, I feel like life in my city sometimes passes me by when the weekend comes along, as I’m often too tired or lazy to get up and do something.

Amazon’s new show about a 1950s housewife has a lot of love lessons.

The winter can be a great time for binge watching a new show. The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel is a wonderful new addition to Amazon’s show list. Not only is it entertaining, the show has a lot of lessons on love and life.

Interested in reading about a real-life standup comedian and her take on television? Check out this piece.

Valentine’s Day Is Great, But Here Are My Favorite Ways to Show Love All Year Round

by Jillian Pretzelin DATING ADVICE, LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

On a mission to set my marriage up for success, I’ve made a plan to bring Valentine’s Day to every month.

I’ve always loved Valentine’s Day.

As a kid, I always looked forward to collecting paper Valentine’s Day (especially the ones that came with candy or temporary tattoos). As I got older, I loved going out for special dates and getting spoiled with gifts or flowers. Plus, no matter what my age or relationship status, I’ve always looked forward to the day after Valentine’s Day when I can score all the half-priced candy.

All around, it’s a good holiday in my book.

And yet, I’m always left wanting more. Not to say that the holiday is disappointing, but I wish that Valentine’s Day didn’t end so quickly. I want to celebrate my relationship, and have an excuse to do something special, all year long.

This year is my fiancé and my last Valentine’s Day as a unmarried couple, and as our wedding gets closer, we want to do everything we can to set our marriage up for success. So, we’ve been focusing on bringing the spirit of Valentine’s Day to every part of the year and practicing showing each other love whenever we can.

Boy, has it made a difference! It’s amazing what a small gesture can do, and how easy it is to make your partner’s day. It brings you closer together, makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside, and reminds you both of how much you love each other.

Here are some ways that you too can bring Valentine’s Day to every month:

1. If your partner likes flowers and chocolates… buy them more often

Valentine’s Day flowers

Last year, I made a point to make pies during the Summer. Why? I love pie, and I realized I hadn’t had a slice for months. I only thought to buy or make pies during November and December, because I thought of them as a “holiday only” dessert.

I had ten whole other months to enjoy pie that I wasn’t taking advantage of. And that’s just silly.

It’s the same thing with Valentine’s Day.

Every year when February hits, stores stock up on their flowers and chocolates. It’s always fun to see the heart-shaped candies and beautiful roses in vases, but we shouldn’t be waiting for February to get our partners some chocolates or buy them flowers.

If your significant other likes those chocolate turtles (don’t we all?), surprise him or her with a box of them any time of the year. If your honey loves fresh flowers, you’ve got a whole 12 months to buy them. Plus, different flowers will be in season at different times, so you can bring home a different bouquet every time.

I love dark chocolate, and it means so much when my fiancé brings some home just because. It’s a nice way to say he was thinking of me and getting a special treat always makes me happy.

Okay, okay, I’ll admit: some things are strictly seasonal. You’ll have to wait for that pumpkin spice latte and it’s hard to find peppermint bark in June. Just don’t miss out on an opportunity to surprise your sweetie with a special treat he or she loves.

2. Valentine’s cards aren’t just for February, share your thoughts whenever you can

I love Valentine’s Day cards. They’re cute, romantic, and sometimes a little dirty.

Giving your partner a card on Valentine’s Day is nice, but it might mean even more when you give them one out of the blue. Surprising your love by writing some nice things in a card and slipping it into their bag before work, or packing it with their clothes before a business trip, can go a long way.

It’s sweet, flirty, and could really brighten up their day. Play with the idea of getting a few romantic cards during the Valentine’s season, and using them all year. You can write a funny poem, list some things you love about your relationship, or write something sexy. It’s sure to make your partner feel special and appreciated.

Not into the card idea? Maybe stick to text. I’ll never forget the time my fiancé sent me some photos he’d taken of flowers in a garden, saying he was thinking of me. It was such a simple thing, and only took a minute to do, but it really brightened my day and reminded me of how much he cares about me.

3. Plan romantic date nights all year round

My fiancé and I are so busy with work, grad school, and life in general, that our date night dinners usually turn into scarfing down Chipotle in front of the TV before going to bed.

Oh, the romance.

You don’t have to wait until February (or you anniversary) to have a special meal together. Make a plan to have those romantic date nights on non-holiday times.

When my fiancé and I want to have a romantic meal, we love going to this cute little Greek restaurant down the street. But don’t assume that you have to go out to have a good time. You can stay home, dim the lights, pour some wine, and even light some candles.

If you and your honey work late or have kids, downsize the same idea to a late-night dessert. Even with less time, you’ll get the same benefit. You’ll spend some uninterrupted alone time together and get a chance to turn up the romance.

4. Breakfast in bed isn’t just for special occasions

make every day valentine's day

Speaking of meals, I love breakfast in bed. It’s one of those Valentine’s Day traditions that should really be an “everyday thing.” Yet, somehow, most of us have to go to the kitchen for breakfast every single day. Exhausting.

Make one day a week (or maybe one morning a month) a “breakfast in bed day.” It doesn’t have to be a big deal: toast a couple slices of bread, scramble some eggs, pour that coffee, and share it with your honey in your room. It could make a lazy Saturday the best day of the week.

Or, if you’re not sure you can get out of bed in the morning without waking your light-sleeping cutie, plan a stay-at-home breakfast date. I love to put on my cute pajamas, slip on those bunny slippers, and make breakfast with my fiancé.

You can flip pancakes while your honey squeezes orange juice, then sit down to watch some saturday morning cartoons. It’s a nice way to relax together, and this special date is the perfect way to show you care without breaking the bank.

5. Give “just because” presents

There’s always pressure to give gifts at holidays or anniversaries, but I find that the more I expect to get gifts, the less I really enjoy them. I already know I’m getting a present, so when it’s not exactly what I want, I might feel a little disappointed, rather than thankful, like I should.

And yet, whenever my fiancé brings home a DVD of a movie I wanted to see but missed in theaters, or orders me a funny cat t-shirt off Amazon, I’m always amazed and incredibly grateful. I wasn’t expecting anything, so even the smallest, silliest thing will seem so sweet.

Surprise your cutie with a little something every now and then, it doesn’t have to be much: maybe just grab a trinket the next time you’re in Target or buy a magazine you think your partner will like when you’re at the grocery store. A little can go a long way, and it tells your special someone that you were thinking of them, which makes it even better.

6. Walk down memory lane

Sometimes we forget to appreciate each other, and all the things we’ve done together. Bringing up a fun date night or looking at some old pictures can really spark those romance vibes and remind you of fun memories.

I like to surprise my fiancé with a framed picture from a special day or even just share a post on Facebook from this time last year. Looking back on memories you’ve shared can make you both feel especially appreciative of your relationship.

7. Plan an event

You don’t need to wait for a special day to plan an event. It’s popular to buy tickets for a show or concert to celebrate Valentine’s Day, but there are fun events going on all year.

Planning an activity is a nice gesture that tells your partner that you want to do cool things with them, and it’s a great way to bond over memorable experiences.

My fiancé and I love seeing comedy shows, so we’re always on the lookout for when our favorite comedians are coming to town. It’s so much fun to go out and do something extra special once in a while, and we get to share something we both love.

Of course, not everyone’s bank accounts will allow for an event every weekend, but getting tickets to a midnight movie or concert a few months in advance will give you something to look forward to together, and that’s half the fun.

8. Remember to listen

make everyday valentine's day

While little surprises and kind gestures will go a long way, communication may be the most important thing in your relationship.

I always try my best to show an interest in what my fiancé says, because I know how important it is to feel listened to.

There’s nothing more romantic, and nothing that will show how much you care, more than listening to your partner. Focus on their stories, ask questions about their day, and take care to remember what they talk about so you can ask about it later. Showing how interested you are in their successes, and their challenges, will mean so much to your beau, and will help your love thrive.

Because I always have so much fun on Valentine’s Day, I use these practices to bring the Valentine’s Day spirit to my relationship, and soon, my marriage, all year long. Hopefully some of my tips will help you and your partner to show your love all year round too.

Need some more ideas for Valentine’s Day? Check out 17 Ways to Spice Up Your Valentine’s Day if You’re Tired of Flowers and Candy, How To Show Love By Making a Difference This Valentine’s Day, or Perfect Bedroom Tips for Valentine’s.

What Does The Future Hold for Valentine’s Day?

by Ola Faletiin DATING ADVICE, LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

It’s February, and I know the drill: candy aisles filled with heart-shaped boxes, jewelry ads bombarding my web feeds with Valentine’s Day.

For what initially started as a brutal Roman holiday, Valentine’s Day has become a capitalist wet dream. According to Hallmark, over 151 million cards are sold annually. Which is funny to me, since I’ve bought Valentines (think the pack of 32 that come with stickers and candy sometimes) but never an actual card.

I’ve always been single for V-Day. I’m in good company; as of 2014, Gallup says that 60% of people ages 18-29 have never been married. Another survey says that 58% of millenials view V-Day as overrated.

With student loan debt through the roof, and plenty of millenials living paycheck to paycheck, lots of us don’t have the means to splurge on gifts. So, how will a holiday that thrives on compulsory gift giving and flower buying bode for a decidedly anti-capitalist generation? Well, I have some ideas. Picture this: it’s 2118 and Valentine’s Day means…

Including lovers of all varieties (not just romantic ones)

valentine's day future millennials

The Spice Girls said it best: “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.” Except in this case, lovers can take a backseat.

Over the past few years, self-care has become a buzzword, a movement, and a market all at once. So yes, self-love, but this also means not placing as much importance in romantic relationships, and whether or not you’re a part of one.

With phenomena like “Galentine’s Day” taking off, millenials are over this couples-only world. More adult are single folks. More women are growing comfortable in living perfectly stable, fulfilled lives without a romantic partner. I’ve always liked the idea of a Valentine’s Day that uplifts all the people we love, not just the ones we’re romantically intimate with.

In 2118, Marketers realize that unabashed singles are an untapped market. If you try to sell me something on a couple’s pretense, I’m not interested. But in the name of self-care? Take my money, why don’t you!

Advertisers Switch Up Their Tactics

Not too many people genuinely enjoy ads, but I prefer to avoid them altogether. I hit the “skip ad” button on YouTube so quickly. If that’s not an option, I mute them. The case is even more extreme for younger millennials; Generation Z is the most difficult audience to market to yet.

Not only are younger generations less tolerant of commercials, but also the most sexually varied generation. This is a problem when V-Day largely caters to straight couples.

We are the most queer generation ever. We also have an awareness of different intersections of identity (racial, ethnic, sexual) that’s unprecedented. It’s simply not realistic for all marketing toward us to be a white man and a white woman kissing. Evolve or die, as they say, and I imagine V-Day evolving.

Since Millennials value authenticity above else, I  picture more folks getting their Valentine’s paraphernalia from places like Depop and Etsy, rather than big box stores. Or, V-Day cards in the Hallmark aisle with a bunch of different categories (women loving men, women loving women, men loving men, nonbinary, asexual). Instead of e-cards, think meme cards.

Overall,  I imagine a more underground V-Day celebration. Which brings me to…

Renegade Holidays Will Pop Up

future of Valentine's Day for millennials

We’ve seen this happening with the reclaiming of Columbus Day as Indigenous People’s day. For we non-Christmas celebrating folk, there’s Festivus. As a generation that’s already combating gender and sexuality norms, and all other norms,  it would make sense for many millennials to flat out reject V-Day with our own alternative holiday.

We already have that in Galentine’s Day. Some places are ahead of the curve: in Finland, February 14 is National Friendship Day.

In 2118, I forecast celebrations like “Asexual Awareness Day”, “International Vibrator Day” or “International Singles Day,” many of which, incidentally, already exist, taking over. Because commercialism is boring and the internet is a wildly imaginative place.

I’m no psychic, so I may be off target. What I do know is that the existing Valentine’s Day model (dates, heart-shaped chocolates, nice jewelry) isn’t very old at all. Millennials aren’t your mother’s generation. And getting a stale box of Russell Stover’s chocolates is something I can do for myself, thank you.

V-Day 2118 may still have the big box store vestiges of white, pink and red. But before long,  the holiday will largely be in the hands of the independent retailers. No matter what V-day looks like in future, some things won’t change. There will always be folks who, like me, celebrate the holiday on their own accord by eating heart-shaped pizza and watching raunchy comedies.

Read more of our Valentine’s Day coverage like: Valentine’s Day Is Great, But Here Are My Favorite Ways to Show Love All Year Round or The Best Unconventional Date Movies For Your Valentine’s Day.

The Differing Valentine’s Day Plans from Seven Couples Around the U.S.

by Kate Oczypokin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Valentine’s Day is on a Wednesday this year. What are you doing for the big day?

Ah, Valentine’s Day. That simultaneously loved and hated holiday that marks the fact that winter will be finally be ending in just a few short weeks.

If you’re wondering how others will be spending the holiday commemorating all things romance, here are just a few ways your fellow women will be celebrating the big V-Day. I always loved Valentine’s Day because it was a day I got to tell my friends and family how much I loved them without them looking at me like I was crazy. Whether I was single or taken, I always managed to have a fun and loving day.

While my plans were never anything all that special, I wanted to know what fellow females were up to on this special day.

Here are some of the plans ladies are doing this Valentine’s Day. I bet you can relate to many of them!

“Our first valentines Rob and I decided we were going to embrace the holiday for all its cheesiness! We were long distance at that point so we wanted to go all out. I flew to Michigan and we made a decision to find the most ridiculous but cheap candy or toy we could find in the store and find the most over-the-top card.

“On top of that we decided to pick a restaurant we would never normally go to so went to hibachi. Every year since then we have kept the tradition and the cards keep getting better and cheesier. We also almost know the hibachi routines by heart. I have bought him everything from a furry heart with beef jerky, funny game controller and this year a candy fishing tackle box!” – Dillon, VA

“I don’t have any official Valentine’s Day plans on the books, but if I were a betting woman my money would be on getting wine drunk on my couch with some girlfriends while having a movie (and food) binge.” – Jessica, VA

“It’s a Wednesday so it is going to be spent stabbing each other at fencing club. Real romantic. Haha.” – Katelyn, MD

“Haha I’m working 2 p.m. ‘til midnight on Valentine’s Day this year so I’m afraid my answer isn’t very exciting.” – Liz, D.C.

“Every year he’s ‘surprised’ me with a gift exchange and then we do dinner and the comedy club. We love laughing for Valentine’s Day.” – Christie, PA

“I have grad school that night, so I’ll be in class until 8ish. Then, I’ll go home and review my lesson plan for the next day and probably go to bed. Maybe I’ll treat myself to a pink sweet and I may make Valentines for my students.” – Erin, D.C.

“I doubt we’ll do much. My grandpa used to send me flowers every year whether I was in a relationship or not. It was something that always made my day, made me smile, and made me feel so loved and appreciated. As I slowly watch him decline, I know he won’t remember to send me anything. It’ll be a hard day thinking about the one person in my life who always loved me no matter what and who never once failed me. I will, however, forget about the fact that he’s not supposed to have sugar and send him chocolate.” — Sarah, D.C.

No matter how you choose to spend Valentine’s Day, it’s important to remember to do what’s best for you.

Valentine's Day Puppy

It’s okay to be single, it’s okay to do something sappy and romantic too, and it’s okay to remember those you love. Have fun and celebrate love. After all, that’s what the day is all about!

Let us know in the comments section below what you’ll be doing on Valentine’s Day and what it means to you.

Want to show us what #LoveIs and win big? Check out the contest we’re holding here.

Everything I Learned About Relationships from 90 Day Fiancé

by Jillian Pretzelin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

 

The surprisingly valuable lessons I learned from my guilty pleasure show.

I love watching TLC’s 90 Day Fiancé. It’s trashy, over-dramatized, and all-around great. For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of watching this reality trainwreck gold, let me give you the 411:

The show follows Americans and their foreign-born fiancés as they unite in America. However, their special “fiancé visa” only gives the couple three months to get married before one of them is sent home.

Of course, the couple has to plan their wedding (and one of them has to adjust to life in a new country) in a jiffy. Plus, often, the couple has only met in person once or twice before, and they need to get to know each other before tying the knot. So, it’s a busy 90 days.

With cultural differences, language barriers, and the ever-looming threat of one person being sent back home, this show is dramatic, addicting, and…surprisingly educational.

That’s right. Whether I’m making a mental note to follow one couple’s strong example, or more often, learning from their mistakes, 90 Day Fiancé has taught me a lot about relationships.

Here are some of my favorite lessons from some of my favorite 90 Day Fiancé couples.

1. Don’t be afraid to take it slow

darcey-silva-and-jesse-meester-90-day-fiance

In one of 90 Day Fiancé’s spin-off shows, 90 Day Fiancé: Before the 90 Days, the American goes to visit their out-of-the-country lover before getting engaged. They do this because before applying for the fiancé visa, they have to have met in person. So this meeting is usually their first time seeing each other in person.

That might make you say: “They’ve never met and are already on a reality show about getting married? Wow. That’s moving pretty fast.”

Sure is.

And it seems like Darcey, an American designer, really did want to move quickly towards marriage. She went to Amsterdam to visit Jesse, and while she clearly hoped to get engaged on the trip, Jesse decided to take it slow. By the end of the season he gives her an “appreciation ring” and Darcey goes home without solid marriage plans.

While this may have been a disappointment to Darcey, and many viewers, I think that Jesse’s idea to wait is commendable. So many 90 Day Fiancé couples find themselves feeling rushed to get married because of the visa process, but jumping into marriage too quickly can mean trouble later on.

Darcey and Jesse’s story really struck a chord with me. I know how hard it is to wait to get married, but I also know how important it can be as well.

In my own relationship, my fiancé and I waited 9 years to get engaged. We were young when we met and we didn’t want to move too fast. When we finally got engaged, we were glad we waited. Now, we have such a great foundation to our relationship and are certain we’re ready for marriage.

Of course, not everyone is going to wait 9 years to get engaged. “Ain’t nobody got time for that.” But when it comes to taking big steps in your relationship, follow Jesse and Darcey’s example, and remember that it’s okay to take your time.

2. Make the extra effort for your in-laws

loren-alexei-90-day-fiance

In season 3, Alexei moved from Israel to Florida to marry Loren. Despite some arguments surrounding her bachelorette party and insecurities about her tourettes syndrome, the couple seemed to have a strong relationship. One thing that stood out especially was Loren’s relationship with Alexei’s family.

At one point, Alexei’s mom came to visit them in Florida. She and Loren spent a lot of time together, going shopping and even making dinner. Lauren wanted to show Alexi’s mom a great time in the US, there’s just one problem: the two don’t speak the same language. They struggled to communicate but both mother and daughter-in-law made an effort to bond, and the segment was actually really sweet.

There are a few things I love about this. One, Loren wanted her in-laws to like Florida so that one day they might move closer to her. She knew how important Alexei’s family was to him and she wanted to make him happy, which is great in any relationship. Not many spouses encourage their in-laws to move closer. Second, she is making an effort to communicate with Alexi’s mom, even when there’s a language barrier, which showed how much bonding meant to her.

I know that sometimes it can be hard to communicate with your significant other’s family (even when you speak the same language). Sometimes being in different families or from different generations can make you feel worlds apart, but it’s so important to try to have a good relationship with your in-laws. It helps keep the peace and shows your partner that you care about his or her family, which might be really important to them.

3. Know that you’re not always going to get your way

evelyn-david-90-day-fiance

Evelyn and David from season 5 definitely had their differences. They had a big age gap (she was 18, he was 27), different ideas about the wedding, and even conflicting thoughts on where to live.

Sharing a life with someone means compromising. Sometimes things will go the way you want, sometimes you’ll have to consider a different direction. When Evelyn welcomed fiancé David from Spain, it was clear that she expected him to go along with her plans. When he didn’t, it caused a lot of issues.

She spent most of the season arguing with David about everything from small details like what the bridal party would wear, to bigger issues like where they would live after the wedding. It was a rough way to start off a marriage.

Watching Evelyn and David helped remind me to be flexible. Living with someone means that you can’t get your way all the time, and for many people, that can be hard. I was an only child growing up so, in my early life, I didn’t have to compromise on a lot of things. When my fiancé and I started making decisions together, I had a hard time making room for his opinions. There was the issue of living room wall color and what groceries to buy, but eventually, we learned to work more as a team.

Evelyn and David remind us that opening your mind can make your relationship go a whole lot smoother.

4. Learn how to fight in a healthy way

Anfisa and Jorge 90 day fiance

Anfisa and Jorge spent much of season 4 in loud, angry fights. They brought a whole lot of drama to the season, but their arguments were often cringe-worthy. Name calling, door slamming, and even hitting were not uncommon for these two, and it cause many viewers to wish the couple would split up for good.

But their fights were a good reminder of what not to do. Those actions can be hurtful and abusive, and can be more harmful to the relationship than whatever the original fight was about.

Of course, you’re going to disagree with your significant other at some point, it’s unavoidable. The key is to strive for healthy, constructive arguments, and not to get too heated or angry.

It’s important that whenever you feel yourself getting mad, try to stay calm and take a deep breath. If possible, take a break from the fight, calm down, and come back to it later. It will give you time to think about your partner’s point of view and find a rational solution.

5. Tell the truth: lies and secrets will eventually come out

90-Day-Chantel-Pedro-90-day-fiance

I hate lying and keeping secrets. Whenever I have a secret, no matter how small, I feel guilty and am constantly afraid that someone will figure it out.

When Pedro moved to the United States to marry Chantel in Season 4, Chantel knew her parents wouldn’t be thrilled with her engagement. She decided, instead, to tell her parents that they were only dating and that Pedro was in the country on a student visa. In the end, Chantel’s parents were very hurt that she hadn’t told them the truth from the beginning. It also put Pedro in a tough spot because he was caught in a lie he didn’t want to make.

Their story is a great reminder that a lie isn’t ever really worth it. Whether the lie is to your significant other, or about your relationship, it pays to just be honest up front. The truth is more than likely going to come out eventually, so you might as well save the drama.

6. Talk about what makes you uncomfortable and let your partner know your expectations for the relationship

Andrei and Elizabeth-90-day-fiance

We all have that line that we don’t want our partner to cross under any circumstance. Maybe your “line” is your partner talking to an ex, or maybe it’s tickling you in that spot you hate. Different things bother different people, and it’s important to know what’s okay (and what’s not) when it comes to your partner.

Season 5 couple Andrei and Elizabeth had some issues before their wedding. Elizabeth’s sisters were concerned that Andrei would discourage Elizabeth from going out and partying with them. It seemed like a non-issue to Elizabeth, but it brought up a really important point.

No one should be bossed around by their partner, but sometimes you might have to do something, or even abstain from doing something, in order to keep peace in the relationship.

In the show, Andrei told Elizabeth what he wasn’t comfortable with her bachelorette party plans. They had to find common ground between what she wanted to do and what he wanted her to do during the party, and there was some tension, but in the end they seemed to respect each other’s boundaries.

Of course, you can’t make a whole list of things your partner can’t do. And you certainly can’t let your partner make your choices for you, but being upfront and honest about what makes you uncomfortable can help build trust, especially in a new relationship.

7. Be conscious of what you’re saying

90-day-fiance

It’s important to encourage your partner to do better, but insulting them is not the way to do it. Azan, from Morocco, was critical of Nicole’s weight multiple times in the show. He said he was only pointing it out because he wanted her to be healthier and share his interest in exercise… but that’s definitely not how it came off. He called her lazy and his words were often hurtful.

Azan’s situation is a good reminder to be careful about what you say to your partner.

I know I sometimes say things that end up sounding pretty harsh, even if I said them with the best intentions. It happens to the best of us. Whether you’re telling your partner to eat healthier or to take out the trash, there are certain ways to say things so that it doesn’t sound like an insult. Try not to get too personal about your partner’s issue, and use kind words when being critical.

8. Be supportive of your partner’s job and hobbies

Russ and Paola 90 day fiance

Being supportive of your partner’s job and their dreams is always so important to a relationship… but it can sometimes be hard to muster up the support when it might not have been your first choice for them.

Russ and Paola went through some trouble when Paola began modeling professionally and Russ didn’t agree with her choices. He didn’t want her posing topless and didn’t like the idea of moving to Miami. To an extent, Russ had a point. His job was in Oklahoma, he owned a home in Oklahoma, and he came from a conservative background. At first, it was hard for him to get on board with her modeling and the move.

Still, just because your partner’s dreams aren’t easy for you to support, it doesn’t mean your partner can’t pursue them. In the end, Russ was supportive of Paola’s modeling, and it made her happy. He was able to support his wife, giving the rest of us a great example to follow.

Just because reality shows highlight the craziest and most dramatic things in a relationship, doesn’t mean there isn’t something to learn from these shows. These tips are valuable lessons that can help you, and your partner, foster a great, lasting relationship.

If you want to know some tips to find the love of your life check out 5 Hopeful Dating Tips, From A Woman Who Finally Found Love. Consider signing up for a LOVE TV Membership and you can get one-on-one help from love gurus and relationship experts. 

One Man Analyzed The World’s Languages to Discover At Least 14 Different Kinds of Love

by Sarah Burrisin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

There are at least 14 different kinds of love that one man was able to uncover simply by analyzing the world’s languages.

Dr. Tim Lomas at the University of East London has been a lecturer in positive psychology for the past five years. In a report from The Conversation this month, Lomas explained that there is nothing more expansive than the feeling of love. It ranges from the love you have for your favorite pair of shoes to the love you have of your child or partner.

In the 1970s, psychologist John Lee put together his own identification of love. So, Lomas noted that he isn’t the first to look into the way the world loves. However, there’s more than just the six “styles” of love Lee developed, and Lomas has them.

Lean more about love by joining LOVE TV, where you’ll have access to love gurus and experts.

Check out the full article reprinted with permission from The Conversation below:

Happy couple in love. Stunning sensual portrait of young stylish fashion couple indoors. Young man playing guitar for his beloved girl.

No emotion, surely, is as cherished and sought after as love. Yet on occasions such as Valentine’s day, we can often be misled into thinking that it consists solely in the swooning, star-crossed romance of falling deeply “in love.” But on reflection, love is far more complex. Indeed, arguably no word covers a wider range of feelings and experiences than love.

So how can we ever define what love really is? In my new study, published in the Journal for the Theory of Social Analysis, I’ve made a start by searching the world’s languages for words relating to love that don’t exist in English.

Most of us use the word love fairly liberally. I use it for the deep ardour, care and respect I have for my wife. But I will also call upon it to describe the unshakeable bonds of kinship and history I share with my family, and the connections and allegiances I have with close friends. I’ll even use it in relation to our cheeky dog Daisy, the music of Tom Waits, Sunday morning lie ins and many other things.

Clearly, whatever love is, it spans a great deal of emotional and experiential territory. Needless to say, I’m not the first to notice this. For instance, in the 1970s, the psychologist John Lee identified six different “styles” of love. He did so by studying other languages, in particular the classical lexicons of Greek and Latin, which boast a wealth of precise words describing specific kinds of love.

Lee identified three primary forms of love. “Eros” denotes passion and desire, “ludus” refers to flirtatious, playful affection, and “storgē” describes familial or companionate bonds of care. He then paired these primary forms to produce three secondary forms: ludus plus storgē creates “pragma,” a rational, sensible long-term accommodation. However, eros combined with ludus generates “mania,” signifying possessive, dependent, or troubled intimacies, while eros and storgē form the charitable, selfless compassion of “agápē.”

This analysis seems like a good start, but an incomplete one. After all, it mostly just concerns romantic partnerships, and doesn’t account for many of the feelings that fall within the ambit of love.

Untranslatable words

I decided to expand on this work as part of a broader lexicographic project to collect so-called “untranslatable” words that pertain to well-being, a work-in-progress which currently features nearly 1,000 words. Such words can reveal phenomena which have been overlooked or under-appreciated in one’s own culture, as I explore in two forthcoming books (a general interest exploration of key words, and an academic analysis of the lexicography). In the case of love, then, untranslatable words help us understand the bountiful variety of emotions and bonds that are in English subsumed within the one word “love.”

My enquiry yielded hundreds of words from around 50 languages (which of course leaves many languages still to be explored). I analysed these thematically, grouping the words into 14 distinct “flavours” of love. Some languages were particularly prolific in their lexical dexterity, especially Greek, which contributed the most words by far.

As such, in a spirit of poetic consistency, I gave each flavour a relevant Greek label. I call these “flavours” to avoid implying that relationships can be exclusively pigeonholed as constituting just one form. A romantic partnership, say, might blend several flavours together, generating a unique “taste” which might subtly change over time.

14 flavours

Happy lovers are enjoying breakfast in cafe outside. Man is feeding woman with croissant and smiling. He is covered by warm blanket

So, what are these flavours? The first three do not concern people at all. They refer to people’s fondness and passion for certain activities (meraki), places (chōros) and objects (eros). Note that this usage of eros reflects its deployment in classical Greece, where it was often used in the context of aesthetic appreciation rather than romance. Indeed, like love itself, all these words can be used in varied and changing ways.

Each of these flavours is a “compound” of related terms from various languages. For instance, the connection to place denoted by chōros is reflected in concepts such as “turangawaewae,” “cynefin” and “querencia” – from Māori, Welsh and Spanish respectively – which all pertain in some way to the sentiment of having a “place to stand” on this Earth, somewhere secure that we can call home.

When it comes to love between people, the first three are the non-romantic forms of care, affection and loyalty we extend towards family (storgē), friends (philia), and ourselves (philautia). Then, embracing romance, Lee’s notions of pragma, mania, and ludus are joined by the passionate desire of “epithymia,” and the star-crossed destiny of “anánkē.”

Again, these labels all bring together related terms from diverse languages. For instance, the spirit of anánkē is found in terms like the Japanese “koi no yokan,” which roughly means “premonition of love,” capturing the feeling on first meeting someone that falling in love will be inevitable. And likewise the Chinese term “yuán fèn” can be interpreted as a binding force of irresistible destiny.

Finally, there are three forms of selfless, “transcendent” love, in which one’s own needs and concerns are relatively diminished. These are the compassion of agápē, ephemeral sparks of “participatory consciousness,” such as when we are emotionally swept up within a group dynamic (koinonia), and the kind of reverential devotion that religious believers might hold towards a deity (sebomai).

Clearly, there any many ways we can love and be loved. You and your life partner might well experience feelings of epithymia, pragma, or anánkē, but may also – or alternatively, instead – be blessed with moments of storgē, agápē and koinonia. Likewise, a deep friendship could similarly be suffused with some mixture of flavours such as pragma, storgē, agápē and anánkē, in which we feel a profound and fated bond of lifelong connection.

Moreover, this list is merely preliminary, with other flavours potentially yet to be acknowledged. So hopefully we can be reassured that even if we are not romantically head-over-heels “in love” – in that archetypal Hollywood fashion – our lives may still be graced by love in some precious and uplifting way.

 

Read more about love such as: Love and Obsession: How to Tell Them Apart and Leave One Behind or Who Knew this LOVE Potion Actually Had Science to Back it Up.

The Happiest Moment of My Life (So Far) Was With Those I’ll Love Forever

by Kate Oczypokin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

No, it’s not what you think. The happiest moment of my life so far was a day I felt unequivocally carefree with friends I love.

The happiest moment of my life so far wasn’t the day my boyfriend asked me to be his girlfriend. Sure, that was a very happy time, but the one I’m about to tell you about was a different kind of love.

It wasn’t the day we got my dog Moe either. That too was a wonderful moment I’ll always remember. This day happened on vacation in Europe with my two best friends when I was in my mid-20s.

Here is a snippet of a time in my life I felt truly, utterly happy.

Many would probably expect me to answer this question as the day I met my boyfriend, or the day I got my dog, or perhaps something involving my family. Sure, those days are all joyful ones in my life of course, but there’s one moment in one day that I remember feeling truly and incredibly happy. I’ve always considered myself a happy person but this particular moment stood out for me for the past six years as my happiest.

It was the summer I turned 26 and I was on my first trip across the world, to Munich, Germany, Brussels, Belgium and Paris, France. A self-described hopeless romantic, I was so excited to be in Paris. I was on this trip of a lifetime with my two best friends, both males.

The three of us had become a The Hangover-like trio, even nicknaming ourselves after characters in the movie. We were constantly on all kinds of adventures. I felt safe and secure with the two, and had been in love with both of them (and very briefly dated one) at some point over the eight years previous. I was dating another man at the time and was eager to get away for a bit as I wasn’t sure exactly if I was all that excited about him (we ended up breaking up later that fall).

We gallivanted all around Paris for three glorious days. It was the time before ISIS threatened in the shadows and we could safely walk the streets without any worry. I remember seeing Versailles, Notre Dame and the Moulin Rouge. One evening, the three of us were sitting outside one of the quintessential Parisian cafés, sipping beers while taking a break from sightseeing. We were laughing hysterically at excerpts from my diary, which I had brought along to chronicle my European travels.

friends traveling and hanging out

After some loud stomach rumbling, we all agreed it was time to find somewhere to eat dinner. We stumbled upon a small and cozy-looking restaurant tucked into a corner of Paris, near the Sainte-Chapelle. From the outside, there’s nothing all that special about L’Auberge Café. Its brown and beige exterior is elegant but not too fancy.

Either way, we were excited about finally getting some food and the menu posted outside looked good. When we sat down, we took in the rustic atmosphere at the quiet restaurant. It was intimate and homey, a completely perfect surprise to us.

The dinner we had that night was for lack of a better term, incredible. There wasn’t anything too fancy about it either but it hands down was one of the most delicious meals I’ve ever had in my almost 33 years.

I had a beef tenderloin, potatoes, peas and onions in a dark, savory sauce. My one friend dined on duck, a signature entrée of the restaurant and the other chose a fish fillet. We sampled fresh prawns, spicy gazpacho and an absolutely to die for molten chocolate dome dessert with the most decadent of melted French dark chocolate inside. With a bottle of the house wine, we made sure to make it a truly incredible night.

I know what you’re thinking—this doesn’t seem like it deserves the title “happiest moment of your life.” The funny thing is, despite how brief that dinner was in the hindsight of things, while I was sitting there I felt truly completely happy. It was a moment of my life I will remember forever. It was young enough not to have to worry too much about the future but old enough to truly appreciate that moment in time.

Now, whenever I am feeling anxious or just need to take a moment to close my eyes and relax, I always recall that dinner with my two best friends in one of my favorite cities in the world—remembering what it feels like to be completely, unapologetically happy.

 

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These Inspirational Celebrity Couples Will Fill Your Heart With Love

by Kelley Lynnin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

With the recent passing of Valentine’s Day, and this month being The Oscars, I thought it might be uplifting, hopeful, and fun, to create a list of famous or celebrity couples that feel inspirational and exude positivity in some way.

In Hollywood, hearing about couples separating, or bouncing from partner to partner, is practically commonplace these days.

The list below are couples from all walks of life, famous or well-known for different reasons/things, and are, at the time of publication, still together.

While I cannot guarantee these couples will remain together forever, I will say that right now, on this day, they definitely inspire me, for many various reasons. Some got together out of difficult circumstances, others use their love and influence to help other people, while some seem to have a really beautiful and genuine love story.

Let’s take a look at some of the famous couples in the modern day age, that have given me inspiration about love. And if you want to speed up your search for the kind of love that lasts, let us help you! Join LOVE TV today.

Michael J. Fox and Tracy Pollan:

Tracy Pollan, Michael J. Fox

The couple first met on the set of Family Ties, back in 1982, started dating a few years later, and have been going strong ever since. This year, they will celebrate 30 years of marriage, with 4 children between them.

Fox told People magazine that one of the things that keeps their relationship strong, is keeping “separate bathrooms and separate DVRS, because we don’t watch a lot of the same shows, and knowing what goes on in the bathroom with your partner, sort of kills the mood in the bedroom.” I agree totally!

Fox was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease in 1991, and the couple decided to go public with it in 1998. In living with this disease, the couple feels they have grown closer over the years and through the hardships.

Pollen told Oprah Winfrey in an interview that it is because of Fox’s positive and realistic attitude about his condition, that they are able to live life with joy. Eventually, Michael stepped into his new role as founder of the Michael J. Fox Foundation for Parkinson’s Research, where he and Tracy have been able to create great change and hope for thousands of people.

Fox is dedicated to finding a cure, through aggressively funded research. To date, the foundation has been able to award $56 million and counting, in grants, to accelerate Parkinson’s research.

Tracy and Michael are an inspiration, because they have longevity and love, through incredibly difficult times. They work as a team to give hope to themselves and others.

George and Amal Clooney:

Save Download Preview George Clooney, Amal Clooney

This is one supercouple who uses their collective influence to make great change in the world.

Even before he met Amal, Clooney was always known as a bit of an activist in the Hollywood world, and a man with a big selfless heart. So, it seems almost fitting that after years of being an unmarried bachelor dating lots of different women, he would end up with a powerful human-rights lawyer, someone who worked on the famous Enron case, and fights for Syrian refugees, and against genocide.

Clooney met Amal without ever having to leave his house, because why should he have to go out and find love like the rest of us? He was sitting at home one July day in 2013, when his agent called and said he had a friend he was going to bring over for dinner, and told George “this is the woman you are going to marry.”

After a long friendship through emails, they fell in love while Clooney was filming a movie at Abbey Road, in London. He invited Amal to come watch, meet him for lunch, and the rest is history.

“How do you impress someone who has fought on behalf of victims of ISIS? Bring them to Abbey Road, I guess”, Clooney has joked.

In April of 2014, Clooney proposed in his L.A. home, over homemade pasta dinner (he cooks too)! Ever the romantic, he got down on one knee in his dining room, with a 7-karat diamond ring, while his Aunt Rosemary Clooney’s song “Why Shouldn’t I?” played in the background.

They married in Venice, Italy, in front of friends and family.

The pair unexpectedly had 2 kids, and Clooney, who is 17 years older than his wife, is now a dad in his late 50’s, and loving it. The two spend their time working, raising their family, and giving back in several ways.

Most recently, they took in a teenage Syrian refugee boy, who who had escaped war, poverty, and genocide. This couple is an inspiration because they found love later in life (especially George), and they genuinely care about others, and about doing their part to make the world a better place.

Ellen and Portia DeGeneres:

Portia de Rossi, Ellen DeGeneres love

The two prominent female figures had met a few times at events over the years, but the timing was never right. Then, in 2005, at a photo shoot, they connected again, and Portia said later of Ellen: “She took my breath away.”

By 2006, they were sharing a home, a ranch, and several rescue animals they took in as pets. In fact, the couple has devoted much of their life and time together to rescuing animals, and giving back.

The couple is also known for being historic. When they first got together, gay marriage was still not legal in the state of California. On May 15th, 2008, after the California Supreme Court struck down a law blocking gay marriage as unconstitutional, Ellen announced on the air of her Daytime Emmy Award winning talk show, that the two would marry. She and Portia got married August 16, 2008, at her Beverly HIlls estate.

The couple remains very much in love, and both have given back to the community in so many ways. DeGeneres, as well as winning over 16 Emmys Awards for her show, Ellen, has earned her reputation as one of the most giving celebrities ever, donating millions of dollars over the years to help animals, kids, and education.

She and Portia have vocally fought on behalf of many causes from endangered elephants to LGBTQI rights.

This couple is inspirational to me, because they care so much, they take action, and they work so well together as a team, in support of each other. IT has been beautiful to watch.

Barack and Michelle Obama:

Barack and Michelle Obama by chuck kennedy

Their story began early, when a young Michelle was assigned to mentor a young Barack, at a Chicago law firm. The two connected, but kept things professional. Their first date, later on, was seeing the film “Do the Right Thing” in 1989.

They dated for three years, and married in 1992. A campaign run, 2 kids, and a Presidency with 8 years in the White House later, the Obamas now live in a regular house of their own, just a few miles down the road from that famous address.

There are a few reasons I chose them. I don’t think I have ever seen a couple, especially one in politics, that is so very obviously, deeply in love with one another. The hundreds of pictures taken of them together by the White House photographers, show one thing for certain; there is a very real and genuine love between these two.

Second, they are one of the few couples in the White House, to never have any major scandals or weirdness surrounding their relationship. No affairs, no bad behaviors with interns, no disrespect toward one another, none of that.

Whenever you hear former President Obama speak of his wife Michelle, it is always with great admiration, respect, and romance. He lights up when he talks about her. This goes the opposite way as well. Michelle has said that not only was Barack a great President, but a wonderful father, husband, and man.

They are historic in every way. The first black president. The first black first lady. The first African-American family in the White House. And just like with their marriage, their children also seem to be respectful and lovely people.

They seem like a family of people I’d love to hang out with. Michelle and Barack seem like the real deal —  just regular folk, who happen to have been our president and first lady, for 8 historic years.

They are inspirational because they changed what was possible in America. They gave us hope and they continue to try and make change when it comes to our country’s future.

These are the couples I chose to highlight, but several others also come to mind with Honorable Mentions, such as: Meryl Streep and Don Gummer, Katie Couric and John Molner, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, and Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos.

What couples would you choose to add to this list as inspirational or hopeful in some way? Why did you choose them? Add your favorite famous couples below!

Falling in Love Onstage: Finding My Lover Through the Magic of Theatre

by Rae Meghanin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

I’ve been a performer for my entire life. Now, I’ve met my love thanks to the theatre.

A majority of my friends are involved in the theatre scene, which isn’t especially surprising since I was part of a theatre troupe in high school and studied theatre in New York City. It also isn’t especially surprising that the only people I’ve really dated have been involved in the entertainment world as well.

High school and college was filled with romantic drama surrounding my theatre crushes. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m guilty of falling for people that have played my onstage love interests a few times. Onstage chemistry is very important to me, and sometimes those feelings bleed into real life.

Do I always act on it? No. That would be unprofessional. But I have slipped up once or twice.

However, there was one time where it was actually successful. I met my dream man through my “Rocky Horror” shadowcast. Which was, in all honesty, something that I expected would happen since I was a kid. Rocky is incredibly important to me, and there’s no way I could have ever dated someone that didn’t like it.

I met Chris a little after I joined Rocky around last year. We had known of each other in passing at cons and such, but didn’t become friends at first. One of the few times we did talk was via Facebook message, where he gave me advice about how to construct a costume piece. I didn’t think anything of it.

Around the time I joined his cast was when we really became friends. I had a falling out with a few friends, so I turned to him for help getting through the tough time. We ended up quickly becoming best friends, with me staying at his house often and going on adventures constantly. He treated me well, but again, I didn’t think anything of it in a romantic sense.

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Falling in love on stage

Then the on-stage romance began.

A few months into our friendship, I started playing Columbia. He plays Eddie, so it made perfect sense that he would be performing with me in my first show. I was so nervous about the performance, and I couldn’t put my finger on why. Something just felt weird about playing my best friend’s girlfriend. Maybe it was a subconscious thing, who knows.

Cut to a month later, and we’re dating. After a three-show day in late October (our prime season), we realized we had something more to our relationship and took it to the next level.

Now, Chris and I have performed together as Eddie and Columbia with three different casts, traveling as far as Toronto.

It’s an interesting life we have, being two performers who date, not to mention live together. Our life consists of making costume pieces, constantly practicing at home in front of the TV, and me reminding him which days he’s performing (I’ve become almost his Rocky secretary in that sense).

Before every show, we usually get ready at home, me sitting in front of a mirror for an hour trying to cover my eyebrows with a glue stick, and him making sure his beloved leather vest is good to go.

Doing Rocky on tour feels akin to being in a traveling circus, and it can be a very high-strung and energetic environment. For that, I am grateful for Chris. He keeps me grounded through all of the stress of performing, and it’s comforting to know that whenever I feel insecure or nervous on stage, he’s right up there with me.

finding love on stage with rocky horror picture show

Even when one of us isn’t performing, the other is usually in the audience showing support. The amount of pride I feel when I’m in the crowd watching him emcee a show is like nothing else, in fact, I usually tend to turn to the person next to me and say something along the lines of “He’s so weird. I’m so proud of him.”

Once the show’s over, and after we’ve had a traditional late night breakfast with our castmates, we usually go home and immediately pass out. We tend to spend the rest of the next day at home, doing chores and watching “Friday the 13th” movies like the homebodies we truly are. It’s important to find balance.

I’m eternally grateful for the life I currently live. I get to write all day, perform all night, and get to do it alongside the love of my life. It honestly everything I could have asked for, and it’s only the beginning. We have plans to travel all around the world to perform, and we hope to continue doing for as long as we possibly can.