A New Way to Help Teens Foster Healthy Dating Habits and Relationships

January 29, 2018January 22, 2024 by Jillian Pretzelin DATING ADVICE, Mind, RELATIONSHIPS, Wellness

For so long, we’ve given our teens different rules based on gender, especially when it comes to dating. Let’s evolve those old-school ways, and set teens up for healthy relationships.

It seems that every time I watch TV, I see the same tired, old character tropes. There’s the overworked mom and the troubled best friend. There’s the awkward teenage boy and the too-cute little sister. But one sitcom stereotype always bothered me.

I cringe every time a show features the overprotective-dad-of-teenage-girl character.

You probably know the one: this is the dad who’s always trying to intimidate the daughter’s boyfriend or joking about punching her prom date. This is the father figure who interrogates any boy the daughter brings home, while completely ignoring the son’s girlfriend. Talk about a double standard.

We often see posts online of a dad’s “rules” for dating his daughter or threats to any young man who dares to ask his teenage girl out on a date, like this dad who told his daughter’s date that “whatever you do to my daughter, I do to you.” There are posts with dad’s holding guns, dads wearing shirts banning their daughters from being sexually active, and while this is usually meant to be humorous, it’s not.

This attitude isn’t funny or charming. It’s sexist. It plays to the idea that women are their father’s property, that their sexual lives depend on their dad’s say-so. It’s patriarchal, possessive, and downright creepy. Plus, it doesn’t help teenagers be safe or make the right relationship choices in the long run.

These actions tell daughters like me that not only are we not in charge of our bodies, but that we need a man to watch over us. Meanwhile, it sends a message to sons that they can do whatever they want. It also fails to teach young adults (of any gender) about healthy teen dating practices, like how to make good relationship choices, how to communicate with a partner, where to look for red flags about abuse or consent, and how to keep everyone safe and healthy.

Here’s how you can teach your kids about the teen dating world, keep them safe, and even help establish flourishing dating practices.

1. Don’t base curfews on gender.

It’s common to give different children different curfews. You might give older children a later curfew or reward one kid’s good behavior with an extra half hour on a weekend. But don’t let gender be a factor in choosing what time your kids should be home.

I understand the fear of a child staying out late and getting into trouble. You might be afraid that a female child is not as strong as her male counterparts, and could end up being the victim of a rape or sexual assault. That is a very real concern, but the truth is that sexual assault happens in all places, at every time of day, to all kinds of people.

Giving your daughter an earlier curfew probably isn’t going to stop an attacker. Teaching her how to keep herself safe, on the other hand, might do the trick.

If you’re worried about your kids falling victim to attacks, sign them up for self-defense classes, teach them safe drinking practices, buy them pepper spray, and make sure you know (and trust) their friends. Remember that these are all important lessons for girls, as well as boys. But, if you’re still concerned about your kids staying out too late, give them an earlier curfew, but do it equally.

When I was a teenager, I didn’t really have a curfew. As long as I texted my mom where I was and who I was with, I could come home when I wanted. Looking back, I’m so grateful for this system. Instead of trying to enforce a curfew, my mom and I talked about dating, friends, and making safe choices and we built a relationship of trust and self-respect that made me want to be honest about where I was and share what I was doing.

Meanwhile, my mom taught me to always walk with friends to my car, to not take rides with drunk drivers, to always carry pepper spray, how to choose the people I hang out with, and more. When I got older, I used what my mom taught me in college and beyond. When I went out to parties or bars I would use those practices and it helped me stay safe.

2. Treat potential mates equally: don’t give your daughter’s boyfriend 50 questions and wave “Hi” to your son’s girlfriend as she drives away.

Much like having different curfews, treating your children’s dates differently sends a bad message. Your teens can tell when you put more effort into getting to know their sibling’s partner more than their own. Not only is it sexist, but it could lead to feelings of favoritism.

A child might want you to take their relationship seriously, and if you don’t take the time to get to know their date, they might even think you don’t care about their personal life.

Before your teen even starts dating, make rules for getting to know your teen’s boyfriends and girlfriends. You might want to make sure you meet them before the first date even happens, let them know that this is a rule for everybody.

Then, once your son or daughter is seeing someone more regularly, or have made the relationship “official” — plan a dinner at home. Have a set list of questions you’d like to ask, and get to know the girlfriend/boyfriend.

When I was a teenager, I was amazed at how differently parents treated their kids’ dates. All of the girls in my class would complain and stress out about their parents embarrassing them, but they never worried about meeting their boyfriend’s parents.

Even when I met my (now) fiancé in high school, he’d point out how different his dating experience was from his older sisters’. While the girls had strict rules on going out with someone new, my fiancé and I did whatever we wanted. Kids notice the difference in treatment, and take note.

3. Talk about sexism you see on television.

Especially when children are young, they learn a lot from TV, which means you might have to be careful about what they take in.

Of course, TV has progressed a lot. It used to be that women were often only represented as mothers and homemakers and practically all the guys had to be tough manly-men. When I was a kid, I was always bothered by how many young women in shows were only there as a love interest for the male characters.

The great thing about modern shows is that it gives young viewers an idea of the range of who and what they can be. Plus, the shows are more politically correct.

Still, this doesn’t mean your kids won’t run into some old-fashioned sexism on TV and in movies.

When you encounter this problem, don’t be afraid to talk about it. Did a woman experience sexism in her workplace on a show? Did James Bond just spank that woman as a greeting?

Answer questions and talk about why what they’re seeing is wrong. Even if some actions are too subtle for your kids to notice (especially if they’re younger), point it out and talk about why it’s not right. Explain that even if the characters are acting in a certain way, you hold your family to a higher standard.

Use it as an opportunity to open up the discussion about what about what proper behavior is.

4. Be a good example: a healthy relationship at home.

When it comes to relationships, the best way to teach is by example. If you treat your partner with respect, your kids will learn to do the same.

Be conscious about what you say to your partner and treat each other as equals. If you want your son or daughter to be treated a certain way, treat your partner that way. They’ll learn what to expect, and what to do, from you.

5. Encourage healthy dates and talk about relationships.

One big mistake a lot of parents make is not taking the time to talk to their children about dating, and what to expect in a relationship. I heard of one case in which parents told their girls that they “couldn’t date until they were married.” That’s not realistic and it won’t set her up for a healthy teen dating life.

Don’t be afraid to talk to your children about romantic relationships. We all know it’s going to happen eventually, so it’s best to be prepared and give them the tools they need.

If you have young children, you might consider bringing your son or daughter on “date night” to see a movie and have dinner. Maybe it doesn’t sound very different from what you do normally on a family outing, but let your kids know that what you like most about date night is getting to be around your partner and learning more about what he or she has been up to.

As your kid gets older, don’t be afraid to have one-on-one talks about what to look for in a partner, what to expect in early relationships, and how one should treat a date.

When I was growing up, my mom would tell me about her early relationships, and her openness and honesty stuck with me. I learned from her mistakes and it made me trust her, and her advice, even more. Don’t be afraid to tell your kids about your experiences.

6. Don’t assume that your child is straight. Let them know that any healthy relationship is okay with you.

Of course, you shouldn’t assume your child is straight. Lots of kids are gay or queer, and it could be difficult for LGBTQA+ kids to feel comfortable and confident with who they are when they’re first learning about their sexuality.

Growing up, I was always told that being gay was okay. While I ended up being straight, I still appreciated being told that there were options.

Let your kids know about what a healthy relationship looks like whenever you can, and make sure to include same-sex couples in your examples. This could help your child feel safer talking to you and can help them get the tools for healthy, happy relationships.

Raising children can be difficult, especially when they start dating. But with these tips, you’re sure to help your child enter the teen dating world with the right tools for a healthy relationship.

How To Show Love By Making a Difference This Valentine’s Day

February 1, 2018January 22, 2024 by Jillian Pretzelin LOVE, Mind, Wellness

Trying to give back this year? Here are some great ways to show your community some love on Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day is all about love, relationships, and romance. It can be so much fun, but it can get a little cliché too. Okay, okay, it can get a lot cliché.

If you’re in a long term relationship, you might not feel like doing the traditional chocolate-and-flowers-thing every single year, and if you’re living the single life, Valentine’s might feel like one giant eye roll.

This year, why not consider celebrating Valentine’s in a different way?

While so many of us get into the giving spirit during December, most people forget to give back during the rest of the year. Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to help your the community and show love to those who need it the most.

Whether you’re celebrating being single, or you’re looking for an original date idea for you and your beau, these ways to give back on Valentine’s will surely warm your heart, and make someone’s else’s holiday much brighter too.

1. Your date isn’t the only one who likes flowers. Help brighten a room at a nursing home.

In college, I helped plan a Valentine’s Day event with lots of balloons, flowers, and so much pizza. Of course, at the end of the night we were left with a giant mess, but we were told to save the centerpieces.

Someone on the party planning committee had the idea to pack up all the flowers and send them to the local retirement community. It sounded like a good idea until I found out that it was my job to put the vases filled in boxes and wake up early the next day to drive them over.

When I got there, I expected to unload the boxes and be on my way, but one of the women at the front desk stopped me. She said they didn’t have anywhere to put them in the lobby, and I’d have to drop off the flowers to the individual rooms.

Honestly, I didn’t want to pass them out, I didn’t know anyone in the hospital and I wasn’t in the mood to socialize, but the moment I shuffled into the first bedroom, I knew how important it was to do just that.

I met a lot of seniors who weren’t doing well, who were sick and lonely, and I loved dropping off some flowers to brighten their day. Plus, most residents really appreciated getting to talk to someone new, and knowing that I had made their morning a little better really made my Valentine’s Day.

This year, consider bringing a stranger flowers. You don’t have to throw a party to find some florals, but you also don’t have to break the bank getting bouquets. You can get involved with a charity like Random Acts of Flowers, and pass out flowers as a team. Or, if you want to fly solo, any stores have Valentine’s Day arrangements on sale on the 15th, and picking some up and bringing them to your local retirement home or hospital will make any resident feel special.

2. Everyone Deserves a Valentine’s Day Card

While passing out florals might sound nice, maybe flowers just aren’t your thing. Instead, you might consider making a few cards.

I adore Valentine’s cards: they were so much fun to collect in elementary school and now I love getting sweet cards from my fiancé every year. But these Valentine’s cards don’t have to stop with people you know. The My Golden Valentine project has been making a difference by writing cards for people who may not have many people around for the holiday.

This year, they’re hoping to deliver 10,000 cards to assisted living and nursing homes in North Dakota and Nebraska. That’s a lot of love!

But even even if you’re not in the North Dakota/Nebraska area, don’t think you can’t get involved. You can write your own cards and deliver them to your local nursing home. Plus, you can make an event out of it by inviting friends to write cards and watch Valentine’s-themed movies. Or, if you have kids or young nieces and nephews, this could make for a great kid-friendly Valentine’s activity.

3. Bring Valentine’s Day to your local children’s hospital

On Valentine’s Day, kids should be in school making hearts out of construction paper for their parents, but many kids are missing out.

This Valentine’s, you can make a difference by volunteering at your local children’s hospital or joining a toy drive. I used to volunteer in a children’s hospital, talking to long-term patients and keeping them company. It was so rewarding, but there are so many other ways to get involved too.

One barber shop has worked hard for more than a decade to collect stuffed monkeys to give to children in hospitals and children who have been neglected.

Something as simple as a stuffed monkey can brighten a child’s day and make them feel special on Valentine’s.

So, whether you’re donating toys or if you plan to get more involved with a hospital, like with the CHOC Children’s Hospital volunteer program, your effort could mean a lot to a child in need of some Valentine’s spirit.

4. Show your love to some furry friends.

One of my favorite places to volunteer is at animal shelters. Come on, what better way to spend your time than with cute, lovable animals?

And the animals, and the shelters, really appreciate your effort.

There are so many animals that don’t have homes and they need a lot of love, so shelters often depend on volunteers to help show love to those pups and kitty-cats.

Celebrate V-Day by taking a shelter dog for a walk or playing with some animals at your local rescue. These furry friends will appreciate your attention, and who knows, maybe you’ll fall in love and bring one home as a Valentine’s Day gift to yourself.

5. Donate Blood

This gives a whole other meaning to “heart day.” While romance might get your blood pumping, donating blood can help you show love to the people who need it.

Of course, at first I was squeamish about giving blood, but I’ve found that it is totally worth it to know that you are making a difference. Plus, it’s the perfect way to celebrate Valentine’s Day.

It doesn’t take long to donate, it costs nothing to do, and you get a cookie out of the deal. And hey, you deserve some extra sweets on Valentine’s Day! Check out blood drives near you, The Red Cross is always out and about, and could be hosting a blood drive near you!

6. Give a gift that really means something

For me, the hardest part of Valentine’s Day isn’t finding something to do, it’s finding the right gift. I always get something for my fiancé, but I also like to get something for my mom, and who could forget my BFF (gotta celebrate Galentine’s Day!)

I would usually end up buying a few trinkets and maybe a picture frame or two, but I know that a lot of these presents were ending up just being clutter.

This year, make a pact with your sweetie or your best pals to get each other a donation to each other’s favorite charities. It will mean a lot to the charity, and you’ll feel good doing it.

Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity to get involved in your community and show your love to those who will need it the most. With these six ideas, your Valentine’s Day will be as memorable, and meaningful as ever.

My Top 15 Excuses for Not Going to the Gym Today

February 19, 2018January 22, 2024 by Kelley Lynnin Body, Wellness

I can’t possibly work out today — there are far too many excuses why.

Like many women, I have struggled off and on with my weight for many years. For me personally, I didn’t really have any issues in high school or college, other than the typical gaining of 20 or so pounds done by most college-aged kids.

In my mid-twenties, however, while living in my very first NYC apartment in Brooklyn, I suffered and survived through a terrible sexual trauma. This event led me to gain an enormous amount of weight, over a lot of time. I began using food for comfort, for avoidance, and for a way to shield myself against getting hurt again by men. (“If I’m fat, nobody will touch me. If nobody touches me, nobody can ever hurt me again.” That was the logic.)

Eventually, after many years, I got my weight under control. I wasn’t skinny by any means, but I was no longer dangerously large either. I was on my way. And then, out of nowhere in 2011, my 46 year old healthy and active husband, collapsed one morning, went into cardiac arrest, and died. Once again, in my grief, my weight went up and I started eating out of loneliness, pain, and boredom.

The past couple of years, I have finally started to do better. I walk most mornings, love to swim, and try to live a mostly healthy lifestyle. But it’s a daily battle. One thing that helps , for me, is having a sense of humor about life. About the things we all struggle with.

Often times, I will be all set to go and work out, and then I will somehow talk myself out of it. Motivation is so hard, and I’m sure it is something that most of us have a tough time with. I thought it might be fun to share a humorous list of ridiculous reasons I have actually used or at least thought to myself, of why I can’t possibly go work out today.

Maybe you have used some of these yourself. If you havent, you are welcome to borrow a few.

Here are my Top 15 Excuses Why I can’t possibly Go to the Gym and Exercise Today:

I can’t go because I can’t find my gym pants.
I can’t go because I found my gym pants, but they have hair on them.
Where are my sneakers? Oh, I’ll never locate them in this mansion of an Apartment! Forget it. I’m not going.
(To my mom, who I share a car with right now) Well, you need the car in 4 hours, right? Yeah. I’ll never make it back in time. Better not chance it.
I think the pool at the gym is closed today. They are working on repairs or something for it. (I have actually said this one out loud more than once, and it’s usually a lie. Once in awhile it’s true, but usually, it’s a total fabrication. )
Where the hell are those gym pants?
(This one has to be said in a panicky voice) It’s already 5pm. By the time I eat dinner, change into gym clothes, get the gym bag all packed up and ready, yadda yadda yadda, it’ll be August! They close at 10pm. I HAVE NO TIME!!!
I JUST went to the gym five days ago! Who am I, Jillian Michaels???
I can’t remember my locker combination.
It’s the weekend. It’s going to be SO PACKED!!! Screw it.
We don’t have any clean towels! Looks like Im staying home!
My bathing suit is still wet from the last time I went.
There’s not enough gas in the car. I’ll never make it there.
It’s too hot / cold / rainy / snowy outside. Who wants to be out in this weather?
It’s beautiful outside. Who wants to be stuck inside a gym in this great weather?

As you can see, ANYTHING can be used as an excuse not to get healthier, even reasons as ridiculous as the ones in this list.

If we try and create a mindset for ourselves that exercise is just another part of staying healthy and well, like brushing your teeth, good hygiene, or a balanced diet, it might become ingrained in us, and therefore easier to actually get out there and do it. I always feel better when I’m healthier. It’s just making myself get up and actually do it – that is where the challenge has always been.

So here’s a new challenge, for myself, and for everyone reading this. Each day, try and do at least one thing with the specific intention of living a healthy lifestyle. Just one thing. Start writing down your one thing, and then expand to two, and so on.

In the comments below, I’d love to hear about your “one thing!” What one thing will you do differently tomorrow? Let’s start this new list together. #OneThing

Read more stories like this such as: How Burlesque Let Me Claim My Body Image, WHY Do You Weigh Yourself?, or Truly Sexy People Do These 4 Things.

Why Yoga Pants are Important to My Feminism

February 26, 2018January 22, 2024 by Jillian Pretzelin Body, Wellness

Yoga pants are in the news again, and me and my stretchy waistband have had enough.

Maybe you read that title and thought, wow, this lady is a little too into her spandex workout wear. Yes. Yes I am. I love yoga pants. I cherish yoga pants. I wear them at the gym, at home, at work, and you know what, I’m wearing them right now.

Over the years, I’ve heard yoga pants be the victim of some seriously catty conversation, and me and my favorite pants have just about had it up to here (right to the top of my stretchy, super comfortable, waistband).

First there was the complaint that yoga pants were too revealing. Then there was the whole “you can’t wear those on airplanes” issue, and recently the New York Times article “Why Yoga Pants Are Bad For Women” complained about these pants taking away from the ideal exercising experience by making sweatpants-wearing ladies feel bad about their clothing choice.

When I sat down to read that NYT article, I was expecting it to be something else. From the title, I thought maybe it would be a piece on the importance of warm, circulation-supporting clothes at the gym, or perhaps a thoughtful and fresh perspective on choosing to go against the grain with fashion.

I love yoga pants and I wear them all the time, but I’m always up to read about a different perspective. I can always stand to learn something and I’m not opposed to new ideas. Heck, my mom was able to talk me out of my overalls-every-day phase. I’m convincible.

Stop shaming women for what we wear.

But instead of the opinion piece I was hoping for, I got a shaming article on why my trendy tush is wearing yoga pants to be sexy and how I’m making other women feel bad at the gym.

Apparently, not only are my yoga pants a symbol of my “come and get it” intentions but I’m making everyone around me uncomfortable with either my too-sexy body, or my fat, dimply ass. Plus, I’m peer-pressuring other ladies to throw away their wonderful sweatpants and conform to my spandex ways.

Unfortunately, our society has a way of telling women how they should feel and what they should do. (See: reproductive rights.) The media and individuals alike have a habit of getting all up in women’s business, pointing out things that we’re doing that they have a problem with, and telling us we need to change.

Reading that NYT article, I found myself frustrated with another voice trying to shame women into acting, or in this case, dressing, a certain way. I found myself shaking my head and thinking “et tu?”

Maybe I’m a little bit defensive and perhaps I’m taking this a little too seriously, but I love my pants. And not just yoga pants, any pants.

It’s normal for women to wear them now, but women in pants used to be downright scandalous. In the 19th century, women wanted to move away from bulky dresses and into more convenient, comfortable clothing, but many Victorians said women shouldn’t wear pants at all, claiming they were indecent and inappropriate. When women started wearing them anyway, it meant a huge change.

Pants-wearing ladies could move more freely, participate in sports more easily, and work more physical jobs. But perhaps the most important win was that women were controlling what they wore. It wasn’t just about convenience, it was about women having the choice to wear what they wanted.

And now, in 2018, I’ve had enough of all this body and clothing shaming. I see the same old trick society has been using for years: if I wear too much I’m a prude, if I wear too little I’m a slut. If I’m skinny I’m just trying to show off, and if I’m fat I’m making everyone uncomfortable with my thunder thighs. And now this NYT article is telling us that, on top of all that, yoga pants are making the author feel out of place with her own clothing choices, so we should all stick to sweatpants.

Does that author like sushi? Because she just got a major eye roll.

For me personally, I don’t like sweatpants. They’re too hot and bulky. I prefer yoga pants.

Yoga pants are comfortable and functional. I can get them for really cheap at Target, they can be dressed up or down, they give me a full range of motion, and they’re easy to wash.

But functionality is important to me. I’m a grad student with four jobs and on top of that I’m planning a wedding. I’m exhausted all the time and if I can get a piece of clothing that I can roll out of bed in, slip a dress over to go to work (yoga pants double as thick leggings in my household), and then wear to the gym at night, I’m sold.

Yoga pants are versatile, comfortable, and they help me get things done without having to change outfits everywhere I go.

And sure, the author of the NYT piece is right. Some women aren’t wearing yoga pants for functionality or comfort. Many are picking up those cute Lululemons pants because they’re fashionable and because they make everyone’s butt look better.

And I say: who cares? If a nice pair of workout pants helps you get to the gym, great. If the pants are flattering to your tush, it’s all the better.

Thinking about my yoga pants reminds me of how grateful I am. Not just for the fact that the clothing gods smiled down on me the day I first found these stretchy miracles, but because I know that women in past generations didn’t get to go to school like I am, they didn’t get to work the jobs I get to work, they didn’t get to make the choices I get to make for myself.

To me, a woman choosing to wear what she wants, to choose to show off her body or wear clothing that allow her to go to class, and work, and the gym, is feminist, forward-thinking, and incredible.

I’m going to wear my yoga pants, and I don’t care who likes it.

You can learn more about health and wellness from our love gurus and relationship experts if you join LOVE TV here.

My Journey Toward Loving Myself at Any Weight

February 27, 2018January 22, 2024 by Kate Oczypokin Body, Wellness

The highest weight I’ve ever been is something I never care to revisit—however, I’ve learned to love my body image no matter what the number is on the scale.

I’ve been just over 300 pounds and just under 200 pounds and everything in between. As I’ve journeyed in between those 100 pounds, I’ve learned a lot about myself.

Most importantly, I’ve learned to love myself no matter what the number says on the scale. There are days I struggle (and I mean truly struggle!) with appreciating me for me, but I know as long as I’m healthy that’s all that matters.

Here is just a brief glimpse into my journey with the scale.

I spent my childhood getting stuck in Lane Bryant dresses. In grade school, the boys in my class used to make fun of me that my butt wouldn’t fit on the small, child-sized seats. My seventh grade bathing suit consisted of a leopard print one-piece with a bust minimizer purchased from the Macy’s plus-sized women’s department—not exactly something a 12-year-old would be happy about.

I vividly remember one particularly snowy October my soccer team was losing by one goal. My coach chose to put me in as goalie and the other team’s girls were teasing me relentlessly saying “You’re putting HER in goal?” Thank God that time, my uncoordinated self blocked a kick and we made it downfield to win.

However, there was still high school when I wore size 30 tapered khakis for our school uniform instead of the flared versions most of my friends had. I rocked gold lamé pants and red velvet ones too. Both were from Lane Bryant before they started selling trendier clothes.

My freshman year of college, I decided not to walk about a mile to the grocery store with this guy I had a crush on. Every time we all took a trip to the mall, I longed to try out a Victoria’s Secret bra. Too bad most clothing manufacturers don’t understand that while you may have a large band size, cup size isn’t necessarily always large!

Years later, you know those little pictures that pop up on the side of your Facebook page? I used to hate them. I never used to like those pictures because people would see them and immediately say, “Wow you lost so much weight! How did you do it?”

Anyway, the whole weight loss thing started off as sort of an accident then grew to something a little more inspiring. When I started my freshman year of college, I automatically began walking more and the weight began to slowly come off. However, I still prided myself on never setting foot in my university’s fitness center. I was stubborn and always told my friends I was fine with being the biggest among us, or perhaps dating a guy who weighed less than me.

My senior year when the girls I lived with were giving me trouble, I began taking long walks to clear my head. Pounds began shedding a little more easily and I was hooked on the results.

This brings me into all my fat girl neuroses. I had always had a thing about going to gyms. I used to think everyone would be staring at the fat girl walking into the gym, wondering why she was there. That’s why I invested in two DVDs by the great Richard Simmons.

I kept this a secret for many weeks from my friends, but they found out quite easily. Let’s just say being friends with two boys really gives you a thick skin. It became such an ongoing joke that one of them sent me an “I party with Richard Simmons” t-shirt.

All that chorus line kicking and self-loving Richard professed in Sweatin’ to the Oldies did have its advantages though. I got down to a size 20 without even setting foot in my apartment building’s tiny overcrowded gym. This was accompanied with getting off the bus earlier and walking a few extra blocks to work and taking the stairs to my seventh floor apartment.

The other neurosis I had (and still have occasionally) involves going out to eat with friends. I would freak out if one male friend preferred a salad to French fries with his burger and constantly worried I’d be seen as “fry girl”—you know, the stereotypical fat girl munching on fries to no avail.

At one point, I only ate half of a cheeseburger I was so scared I looked bad. Now, I realize how incredibly ridiculous I was and I now know one cupcake here and there won’t hurt. Sometimes, you just have to give in to your cravings.

Then one night, I did it. I couldn’t believe I worked up the nerve to walk downstairs. My old building had a gym in the basement and I don’t know what possessed me to go downstairs but I did. I sat on the exercise bike and made it all of 20 minutes before stopping. I cranked up my iPod and tried my darnedest not to let even one thought about the other people in the gym get to me.

As much as I wasn’t sure if I wanted to continue, I knew I had to do it. Pretty soon, I was not only walking on the treadmill but navigating the elliptical and Stairmaster too. I moved apartments the following winter and I soon became a regular at my new building’s downstairs fitness center.

My lunches I packed for work got lighter and I became a fan of things I never in my wildest dreams thought I’d be eating—Greek yogurt, fresh fruit, granola. The crazy thing is, I found that I actually liked those foods. You also won’t believe it but it’s not that hard to not want to go back to greasy foods like pizza (although I definitely splurge a lot of weekends).

The first spring I was at my new building, I began jogging outside. My friends were shocked that I was exerting myself while on display to the thousands of people on my busy street.

You know what’s the crazy part? How all the women’s magazines I’m obsessed with, all the trainers and athletes, they’re all actually right about something—jogging is a huge stress reliever for me. The most I’ve ever jogged at once is about four miles but the decisions I’ve made, anger I’ve lessened and happiness I’ve achieved while pounding the pavement is countless.

I’ve always been a big lover of holidays and celebrations so naturally I had mini-celebrations with myself during all my weight loss milestones. When I lost 50 lbs, I celebrated with a slice of Cheesecake Factory cheesecake. When my size hit the teens, it was a shopping spree at the nearby Gap.

But story didn’t end here either.

Crunch Gym opened up a franchise near my apartment and I became intrigued and instantly had to join.

There was this one class, “The Athlete’s Workout,” that I took one evening. It was a warm and humid day outside and the instructor chose to take the class outdoors. My instinct told me to run far away from the situation but I told myself no.

An hour later, I’d run suicides, did Army crawls and did enough lunges that my legs felt like Jello. With dirt on my cheeks and my messy ponytail becoming undone, I practically skipped the three blocks home.

I remember wishing my grade school and high school teachers could see me now. Decades ago, I was the kid who walked the mile run, or continually moved to the back of the kickball line so I didn’t have to take a turn. Occasionally, I’d hide behind the church convent to avoid running.

Just over 10 years later, I’ve gained back some of the weight I’ve lost. I’m still proud to say I’m 60 pounds lighter than I was in high school. As a freelance writer and piano teacher to 22 kids and two adults and caring for a very needy English bulldog, life is busier than it was when I was working at a newspaper. I still try to get to my apartment’s gym three or four days per week and we have a gorgeous trail right near our apartment that I love to walk and jog on in the spring and summer.

My food choices have their good and bad days, but I know that it’s important that I am healthy. I know my “numbers” as the doctors say, and while I’ll always have to be careful, I know that I am doing okay. I’ll never be a size 2. Honestly, at 5’11” that wouldn’t look all that natural anyway!

My relationship with my weight will always be a struggle. I still think about most food that goes into my mouth and weigh myself often, if only to keep myself in line. It’s absolutely pivotal to remember that I am still the same person inside as I always was, no matter what the scale says. I’m still obsessed with chick lit novels and romantic comedies. I love entertaining friends at my apartment and hosting parties that revolve around the holidays.

I’ve finally realized what’s five or 10 lbs. gained or lost here and there? As long as I am healthy and happy that’s all that matters. Writing about my weight loss so personally for the first time has definitely opened up my eyes to what I’ve accomplished and the fact that I should be excited about what I’ve done. If anything I’ve become so much more active than I was at 16 and 17, even 21. Why hide something that I should be proud of, right? Oh and those gold lamé pants? I can fit my whole self in one pant leg now.

Interested in reading more about self love? Check out this piece from 2016 on how you can achieve self love faster than you think. If you want to join us in more positive and affirming wellness information, join LOVE TV!

Working Out Isn’t About Being Skinny — It Should be About Uplifting your Mind and Body

March 1, 2018January 22, 2024 by Lindsay Hayesin Body, Mind, Wellness

If working out to be thinner or stronger isn’t your jam, try thinking of it as better mental health with a side benefit of increased fitness.

My vision of women in ballet barre classes are tall, lithe, ballerina-like women in expensive ath-leisure. This is not me. I am not tall. I am not skinny. I have never, ever been to a ballet class.

But here I am, in my 50th barre class. I’m addicted.

I hated barre classes

A few years ago a girlfriend asked me to buy a Groupon for 5 barre classes. I did not care for them. In fact, I may have genuinely hated one of those instructors. But last fall I found myself in a fitness rut. And perhaps in a life rut.

I wanted to avoid sliding from a rut into something resembling depression (it took me years to recognize the need for this, let alone how to put knowledge into action). I knew I needed to shake up my workouts. I also wanted to find something that lifted me up. Something or somewhere that could be my happy place.

Through Class Pass I tried yoga, pilates, aerial acrobatics, and other classes and gyms.

Don’t judge a book by its cover, don’t judge a gym by it’s classes

Wanting to give it an honest try again, I went to three different barre studios. They were vastly different. One made me remember why I had hated the class years ago, another was just too damn hot, and the third wasn’t an immediate love affair but I liked it and kept coming back.

Four months later I encouraged a girlfriend to come with me. It was then that I realized that studio had become a happy place for me. During class, I can’t check my phone and I’m working too hard to stress about life or work. This is me time that I don’t feel guilty about because I’m building a stronger body AND mind. At some point I started to value the classes because I always left feeling better than when I arrived.

I am happier and I am stronger

I have more muscle in my arms (though there’s still an annoying jiggle). My legs are stronger than they used to be. But more importantly, I have added another happy place I can feel grateful for. I take pleasure in making the time to go to the studio twice a week. I am grateful for instructors who uplift, inspire, and encourage me. They push me harder than I will push myself. So I have learned I am stronger than I thought. It’s a wonderful feeling to make this surprise discovery.

Tips to find your workout bliss

Start close to home

If you can find somewhere that fits into your drive to or from work, it’s easier to make the time. If you work in a business complex, chances are you have a studio nearby that caters to busy professionals like you. Start Googling.

Shop around for the perfect class

Sites like Class Pass, FitReserve, and offer packages to help you explore different classes, gyms, and activities. If you don’t have Class Pass in your area check out the websites of gyms and fitness studios near you. Many offer a free or discounted first class. And don’t forget about the YMCA– it’s affordable and has a surprisingly robust selection of classes.

Be fearless

Everyone in these classes was new once. They are probably concentrating too hard to judge you anyway. You got this! Really!

To learn more about ways you can improve yourself, join LOVE TV today!

How Goals For My Best Wedding Body Happily Didn’t Go As Planned

March 6, 2018January 22, 2024 by Jillian Pretzelin Body, Mind, Wellness

I struggled with the pressure of getting in shape with a “bride body” for my wedding, eventually I shifted my focus.

When I first got engaged, I was determined to get in great shape. I was all about “sweating for the wedding” and was ready to “squat before tying the knot.”

I’m already a regular gym-goer, but I thought my wedding was a good excuse to tone up my arms, get some abs, and lose a few pounds. Plus, I really wanted those beautiful, magical, perfect wedding photos where I would look toned, fit, and like I just stepped out of a magical fantasy land of unicorns and glitter.

I mean, that’s “the dream,” right?

But as time passed and I got busy with wedding planning, something weird started happening. I found that lots of people were asking me about whether or not I was doing a new workout regimen before the wedding.

Now, these weren’t friends who I’d talked to about my plan to get in shape. These were mostly acquaintances, distant family members, and Uber drivers. I would mention that I’d just gotten engaged and they’d ask questions like whether I had colors picked out, where we were honeymooning, and if I was on a special diet in preparation for the big day.

Then I started seeing the ads. Pop-ups for weight loss tips showed up on wedding websites and ads to get a “bride body” snuck into my Instagram feed. I suddenly felt a lot of pressure to have a wedding weight loss plan, and that took the fun right out of my goal.

I mean, I’m all for brides supporting brides, sharing tips and comparing notes, but this was different. It seemed like I was expected to lose weight for the wedding, or better yet, like I was expected to want to lose weight.

Then a personal challenge became a personal hell.

A fun personal challenge to get healthier and score some great pics quickly turned into a stressful situation that made me question my body and even feel a little self-conscious. I was having none of it.

So, I tried to ignore the dieting and weight loss voices in the wedding world for a while and I focused on the aspects of wedding planning that I really liked.

So far, one of my favorite parts of being engaged has been collecting old pictures of my fiancé and I for framed decorations at the wedding. Because my future husband and I have been together for nearly a decade, there’s a lot of photos to go through and it’s been a lot of fun.

I’ll look back and fondly remember that summer I got pink streaks in my hair or laugh at the time I was so sunburnt that my arms were red for a month. I’ll smile when I find pics of my fiancé wearing his old favorite jacket and my heart will melt when I find silly photo booth pictures we took during college. I love seeing us at different points in our lives, literally a snapshot of that time in our relationship.

This made me think of the photos that will be taken at our wedding: capturing our faces as we say our vows during the ceremony and forever immortalizing our awesome dance moves at the reception. Those photos will document us as we are now, on the year we’re getting married. And I really like that.

The more I thought about it, the more I wondered why I even wanted to lose weight for the wedding in the first place. I mean, sure, it’s a big event and I wanted to look good, but I couldn’t help wondering if my size really mattered.

Why do we need to be that skinny?

I’ve seen so many friends get married in the past few years (it’s that time in my mid-twenties where I’m going to weddings every other weekend) and I’ve seen a lot of brides get really thin for their weddings. I want to celebrate women who accomplish their goals, but there’s so much pressure to be skinny that some women I know ended up going on crash diets right before the big day, which isn’t healthy.

Or, even when my friends have lost weight the right way, they ended up getting discouraged when they gained it back. A big part a new regimen is keeping up the lifestyle, and if your goal is to look good for a wedding, when the day is over, it’s easy to go back to old habits.

While seeing a higher number on the scale shouldn’t be that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, gaining weight back after working really hard at the gym can be really disheartening, and I didn’t want to go through that.

At first, I told myself that I wouldn’t make those mistakes. I’d lose weight the right way, get super healthy, work out every day, and forever look like I just got off the set of a NordicTrack commercial. Hashtag: new marriage, new me.

But honestly… that doesn’t sound like something I’d do. It’s not like I have really unhealthy habits right now that need to be changed. I’m realistic with my lifestyle, I have a good balance when it comes to nutrition and exercise, and I like the way I live.

Of course, I think that brides and grooms should be able to do whatever they need to do in order to feel confident and happy on their wedding. If that includes dropping a few pounds, I say: more power to ya. But there’s so much pressure (especially on brides) to look great on their wedding day and to have those amazing pictures, and I can’t help but think that maybe I didn’t need that.

For most of those old photos of my fiancé and I, I didn’t try to look extra beautiful and I wasn’t on a special diet. I was just being me, and I think that’s part of why I like them.

Some of my favorite photos are the ones where we’re screaming on a roller coaster or wiping ice cream on each others’ faces. I like the ones where we’re just being us, maybe not even knowing (or caring) that a photo is being taken.

Some of the best pictures are ones where I don’t even look good, maybe it was taken at a weird angle or I’m making a funny face, but it’s a photo of us laughing and having fun, and that’s what makes it special.

And sure, maybe without the awesome workouts and dieting I won’t look truly “perfect” on my wedding day. Maybe I won’t look like I just stepped out of a magical fantasy land with unicorns, but I want to look back on my wedding pictures and see the people my fiancé and I are today. Not perfect, not glamorous, but definitely “us.”

I’ll show off what I have, extra few pounds and all, and be excited to look back on all those imperfect, but wonderful, photos.

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Why You Shouldn’t Let Your Mom’s Body Critiques Bum You Out

March 8, 2018January 22, 2024 by Ola Faletiin Body, Mind, Wellness

Not everyone is lucky to have a family that’s self-affirming in all the ways. Here’s why you should ignore their body image comments, so it doesn’t affect how you feel about yourself.

The insecurity is real. A UK study showed that 91% of women are unhappy with an aspect of their bodies. Things like Instagram, fashion ads, and the overall pervasive idea that the best thing a woman can be is beautiful, doesn’t help. We get enough crap from society about our body image, but what about when the comments come from the people we love most?

I have a mother who loves me and who has my best interest at heart, and I know this. My mom is also African, traditional, and has very clear-cut ideas about what is classically beautiful and what isn’t — and some of the ways I have fallen short of that.

Her intentions are never malicious, just honest. Maybe you too have too-honest folks, or extended family who won’t stop making snide remarks around the Thanksgiving table every year. If you find yourself getting overly frustrated with their tactlessness, here are some things to realize:

Their comments reflect more on their insecurities than yours.

You could be totally fine with your cellulite, or spindly legs, or toneless arms. But when you have relatives that have similar features, they might not be so lucky. While grappling with their own missing body image, they shoot you down in the process.

I’ll never forget the conversation I had when I first buzzed my head in high school, a beauty decision my mom did not approve of. She said, verbatim, “Only really beautiful women can be beautiful without hair. But for average women like us, our hair is our beauty.”

This wasn’t an insult per se,. but we’d all hope our mothers, if no one else, to find us beautiful. Or at least I did. I was bummed to hear that my mom didn’t see herself as beautiful either, when she had always been beautiful to me.

Sometimes family is a reflection of our biggest worries. If you know you have that one aunt who hates her complexion while you love yours, don’t let her insecurities plant seeds in your head.

The era and place in which they grew up is different from yours

The ultimate proof of female beauty’s subjectivity is how it changes with every generation. Over the past 100 years in the United States, Americans have gone from praising a thin, boyish figure (1920s), a plump, intensely hourglass figure (1950s) to big boobs, big butts and a thigh gap (now). And that’s only within the the Western world.

If you have family who grew up with a different culture, their views of what’s beautiful may be even more skewed.

In West Africa they like their women with curves. They like their women with ample hips and thighs. Solidly built. Well, that’s not my body at all. I am thin with a narrow figure, and I have almost always been.

A trip to the motherland isn’t complete without the obligatory comments about how I need to gain weight, and that maybe it’ll help mbe get a boyfriend if I eat more.

I’m not saying this to elicit sympathy; in the Western world being thin is a beauty privilege. I don’t have job offers rescinded, or have to worry about finding places that carry my size, or being berated by randoms on the street about my body. But I also believe that if you can’t say something nice about someone’s body image, no matter their size, then you shouldn’t say anything.

Understanding that your family’s beauty standards can differ due generational and cultural gaps is something that can take the sting from comments that make you self- conscious.

Their comments may reflect their own upbringing

People model their behavior after what they learned early on. The family you were raised with is your introduction to socialization. And unfortunately, not everyone grows up hearing sentiments that are bathed in sweetness.

While my parents are not cruel, they are honest in the only way they know how to be. I don’t fault them for it. But I know that I also have the ability to say, “You can feel however you want about my ____, but I like it just fine.” That shuts unyielding commenters up pretty quickly.

You are the number one person in charge of how you feel about yourself. Just because people love you, doesn’t always mean they know how to show it in soft ways.

For some, honesty is love. If you’re around family members who put you down so much that your mental health plummets, stay as far away from those folks as possible. Family can be toxic, too.

If you liked this article, try reading…: How Burlesque Let Me Claim My Body Image, I’m Embracing Vanity. Here’s Why You Should Too, or WHY Do You Weigh Yourself?

If you want to join a community of positive and affirming people eager to help you find more love in your life, join LOVE TV!

An Inside Look at Vaginal Rejuvenation

March 27, 2018January 22, 2024 by Kate Oczypokin Body, Wellness

Is a vaginal rejuvenation procedure, or vaginal tightening, an ideal option for you? We explore the hot topic so popular it was recently part of a storyline on Grey’s Anatomy.

We explore what exactly the procedure means, hear from a medical professional based in New York City and get some opinions from real women on whether or not they think the procedure is right for them.

Here is an in-depth look at vaginal rejuvenation. And if you’re searching for a little extra help rekindling your sex life after children, join LOVE TV.

What exactly is vaginal (or more commonly) feminine rejuvenation?

Feminine rejuvenation is defined as a range of aesthetic and functional procedures in the female genital region to correct and restore the optimum structural form of the vagina and surrounding tissues and to improve hydration and elasticity in the vaginal mucosa, according to nurse practitioner Marianne Woody with input from Dr. Bruce Katz of Juva Skin and Laser, which serves the New York City and Manhattan areas.

What are the goals of the procedure?

Most women have the procedure to tighten things “down there.” A lot end up doing it to regain sexual pleasure too. Some may have more serious issues involving urinary incontinence, so they opt for a feminine rejuvenation.

Is the procedure growing in popularity?

According to Woody and Katz, it is. At Juva, they have four different devices to address feminine rejuvenation and they are non-surgical. There are options like the “Femi-lift,” which allows for three short laser procedures spaced a month apart. There’s also radiofrequency based devices like the “ThermiVa,” which treats both the labia and vagina itself to make things tighter.

“The treatment is painless and feels like a warm massage,” Woody said.

There’s also the “ULTRA Femme 360,” which provides a complete vaginal rejuvenation using radiofrequency technology and only lasts 20-30 minutes with four treatments once again, about a month apart.

The newest device in use at Juva tackles the problem of urinary incontinence. “EMSELLA” is FDA approved and is a non-invasive treatment that deals with helping not only urinary incontinence but pelvic floor prolapse and vaginal relaxation. The “EMSELLA” chair strengthens your pelvic floor muscles by focusing on electromagnetic waves and works in a way similar to Kegel exercises.

Are there any risks to these procedures?

Woody and Katz advised that no pregnant women should participate in any feminine rejuvenation procedures. There are also precautions to avoid any treatment should you currently have an active vaginal infection or current Pap smear that showed any malignancy. For certain procedures, women should abstain from intercourse for approximately three to seven days after their treatment. Some procedures, like the ThermiVa and EMSELLA, you can have sex right away.

Why would a woman be interested in one of these procedures?

“Women may not report symptoms because they are self-treating,” Woody said. “They may feel the symptoms are not important enough or are embarrassed.”

According to Woody, things like menopause, childbirth, lifestyle and weight gain can all lead to vaginal irregularities. Women may feel a loss of self-confidence or not want to exercise as often. They also may have unpleasant sexual relations or even social problems like isolation and an effect on their mental well-being.

Are the procedures typically covered by insurance companies? What is the typical cost?

The procedures are FDA approved for aesthetic devices and according to Woody, not covered by insurance. Costs range anywhere from $400 to up to $1,500 depending on what type of treatment you choose.

What has been the feedback from the procedure from those who’ve gotten it done before?

Some participants show improvement after one treatment while others respond after two or three completed procedures. “I have had patients report that the procedure ‘changed her life!’” Woody said. Katz and Woody mentioned patients have responded positively, with reports of vaginal tightening, increased lubrication and more intense orgasms.

Real women’s opinions.

“I think I would definitely do it later in life especially if I had kids,” said Jill, who is in her 30s. “I heard the extra stitch is a real thing—it’s never the same especially after having more than one kid, so if that’s the case and it makes you feel better about yourself and desirable again, why not?”

Jane*, a pediatrician in her 30s as well, said that a labiaplasty is just plastic surgery on your labia to make them look more even.

“There really is no medical reason to get one, though sometimes the extra labia can get in the way during sex or cause discomfort, so people have the procedure done,” she added. “Otherwise, any surgery to make your vagina ‘tighter’ is just ridiculous and unproven to work.”

Crystal, who is in her 30s as well, thought about vaginal rejuvenation and at first compared it to extreme vajazzling, but “just couldn’t get behind it.”

“The more I think about it, I don’t really see vaginal reconstruction as being any different than ‘mommy makeovers’ which I am all for it a woman feels self-conscious about it,” she said. “I think sexually, we are so much more in our heads and we think about every flaw we have instead of always being in the moment.”

While she can’t personally say if she would do it given she hasn’t had any children, Crystal said “if we can all get behind Kylie Jenner’s lips I support anyone who wants a tighter downstairs situation for themselves.”

Vaginal (or feminine) rejuvenation may seem a bit extreme, but for some, it might be just what you need.

Feminine rejuvenation can be a great way for women to feel less self-conscious and regain their sexual pleasure again. It also can cost up to $1,500 with no help from insurance, making it hard for many to afford.

*Name has been changed

Interested in intimacy techniques that don’t require penetrative sex? Check out this piece.

How Men in the Media are Creating a Healthy Image of Masculinity: A Tale of Queer Eye, Tough Guys, and Broken Kitchen Appliances

April 5, 2018January 22, 2024 by Jillian Pretzelin Body, Mind, Wellness

Netflix’s “Queer Eye” taught me a lot about masculinity (and helped me realize that it’s time to make a change).

A couple months ago, my fridge broke. Water leaked everywhere and weird, wailing noises from the freezer got so loud that I worried the neighbors would call the police to report what they might assume is a dying camel. It was a problem. I ended up buying a new fridge and praying to the god of floor boards that after days of water pooling on my kitchen floor, I didn’t have water damage.

I’d heard that sometimes mold in the walls or floors of old houses can make people really sick, and because that sounded like exactly what I did not need, I asked my dad to come over and check it out.

My dad does home renovations, so he’s a handy guy to have around when you need to identify a moldy kitchen, but sometimes he says things that drive me totally crazy. He’ll make a comment that’s mildly sexist or complain about a guy who wore a pink shirt because it’s “girly.” I’ll try to ignore his comments because, well, my dad is from a different era and most of the time he doesn’t say this stuff in public. Still, it makes my eye twitch.

Anyway, my dad stopped by, looked at my kitchen, and decided my floors were okay (phew). There was a little damage to the paint on the baseboard, but that was an easy fix. Dad grabbed some white paint from his truck and when I dipped a paintbrush in the tin to get started, he grabbed the brush away and said, “Hey, girls can’t paint.”

Hold up. What?

Girls can’t paint? What kind of crazy rule is that? Was he trying to say that girls are not physically able to move colored pigment across a surface? If I picked up a paintbrush would it explode? Or, was he saying that girls just can’t paint baseboards? Because, somehow it’s even stranger when it’s that specific.

“No,” he clarified, “girls are bad at it.”

He explained that whenever my stepmom tries to paint she fails miserably, which brings up a whole other issue of generalization based on gender (as well as the issue of insulting one’s partner) but I was still focused on this ‘girls can’t paint’ problem.

I was so confused that I had no idea what to say… which doesn’t happen often. Even long after my dad left, I was baffled.

I have definitely heard my dad make judgements based on gender stereotypes but this didn’t seem to follow the gender assumptions I usually hear. I know that that girls are “supposed” to like pretty things like ponies and glitter while boys are usually associated with dirty metal things, like cars, lawn mowers, and rusty tug boats. But paint (white paint, I might add) seems insanely gender neutral.

This whole paint thing bothered me for weeks until I came up with a theory: maybe my dad didn’t want me to paint, or rather, didn’t want women (in general) to paint, because he uses paint for work all the time. He paints walls and fences and kitchen baseboards every day. In fact, he paints so much that he just happened to have paint all ready to go at a moment’s notice.

I think that somewhere deep in his subconscious, something told my dad that if a woman could paint, then painting was a “feminine” activity. It would be harder for him to reject all things feminine, to make fun of men who wear pink, to call himself “pure man” if boundaries were shaken between genders and men and women had some overlapping skills or attributes.

I realized that my dad’s attitude on masculinity, which I once thought was a harmless attribute of a man living in the past, could in fact be quite dangerous.

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Then I found “Queer Eye.”

Soon after the paint incident, I stumbled upon Netflix’s new show Queer Eye, and fell in love. This reboot of the 2000’s show is relevant, modern, and so important. Instead of looking for straight guys in New York to makeover, the 2018 Fab Five head to Georgia to not only change clothes, but to change ideas of masculinity.

In each episode, the Fab Five meet a man (and his family) and set to work fixing up his style. The show is sure to be incredibly entertaining for anyone, but I found it particularly relatable. When I watched a few of those Atlanta men, the ones who wouldn’t take care of their appearance for fear of seeming “girly” and the ones who wouldn’t show affection because they were busy acting tough, I definitely saw a hint of my dad.

There’s a moment in episode 4 when Tan, who handles the fashion side of the makeover, talks candidly to that episode’s subject, AJ, about his hesitations with dressing “too feminine.”

Neal, a messy techie from episode 2, is afraid to give hugs.

Some of these men were so afraid to show emotion, so afraid to seem even slightly weak or vulnerable, that it was affecting them, and often their relationships and family. I felt so connected to these men, and their stories, that every time they had an emotional breakthrough and cried to the Fab Five, I found myself tearing up too.

But the fight against toxic masculinity doesn’t end with Queer Eye. Recently, many men have stepped up to talk about the dangers of toxic masculinity, and how to fix it. Actor Justin Baldoni did an amazing TED talk on the concept of being ‘man enough,’ and Michael Ian Black wrote an insightful essay after the Marjory Stoneman Douglas shooting about how toxic masculinity contributes to boys committing violent acts.

The truth is, my “girls can’t paint” situation is a very small part of a large problem. Toxic masculinity isn’t just annoying or uncomfortable, it’s also destructive. These absurd societal expectations that men have to be tough and unemotional, even inhuman, are at the root of many cases of abuse and even violence.

I’m so proud to see Baldoni and Black talking about the negative effects of toxic masculinity because I’m not sure if we could fix this problem without people like them.

We need smart, confidant men to show that it’s okay for men to take care of themselves and that it’s good, even encouraged, to do things that have been deemed “feminine.” That it’s not shameful to show emotion, to be a little vulnerable.

Every time I look at the newly painted baseboard next to my fridge I’m reminded that the men and the women of our society deserve better than a world filled with toxic masculinity. The boys and girls of the next generation deserve to not be told what they can and cannot do based on their gender. They deserve the right to be able to do what they love, to express themselves, to be themselves and not be ashamed.

And maybe it will take more than some articles, a few TED talks, and five guys with a Netflix show to fix this problem, but I think, at least, it’s a start.

Don’t forget to check out a LOVE TV membership. We’ll help speed up the process of finding the right person.

Reaching Out When You’re Feeling Alone and Worried Your Friends Forgot You

April 13, 2018January 22, 2024 by Clementine Francesin Mind, Wellness

If you’re like me you might sometimes feel insecure and fearful everyone is off having fun without you.

But, if you’re like me you’re also laser focused on your career/passions and have tons of commitments which might make you seem unavailable. Even when your friends ask you to be available to meet them on a specific date and time, you are not always available. If they do this repeatedly they might assume you are too busy for them. In reality, you’re just not available at that specific time and date.

In the end, it might seem like people stop reaching out to you, and ultimately you start to realize your friends have grown distant.

Sometimes our isolation is not one sided, unbeknownst to us, and I am here to tell you and me what we need to do to stop disappearing from our social circles.

Also, don’t forget, if you’re hoping to cut through the insanity of the dating world, we can help make it quicker and easier if you join LOVE TV today.

1. Choose a specific date and time.

People ask me to meet them and I can’t, but as I am writing this article, I realize that I don’t always ask people out.

I may ask them to accompany to me a show or a movie, but how often does that happen? So, be deliberate. If you can recognize that you are never available when certain people that you actually want in your life ask you to be available, try suggesting a time and date for when you can meet. If they say no, keep trying.

I’ve even feared that if someone didn’t answer my text one day in December they never want to speak with me and I let that relationship die. But, who knows what happened? They were mad at me in December, but it’s March now so maybe they’re less mad and I can try again? The text didn’t go through? Their phone was turned off that day and they didn’t get the message? They forgot?

Anything could have happened and I can be mad at them for not answering that text that one time, but what if they still want to hang out with me? I can try again. At least once in March? Once in April. And if I am ignored still, well, at least I made the effort!

2. Meetup

Meetup.com is a thing. A place where you can join a group for people like you. A MeetUp for left handed people. A MeetUp for introverts. A MeetUp for left handed introverts. A MeetUp for people who who want to dissect Lana Del Rey lyrics. There is a place for you.

If you’re like, “I don’t want to hang out with people” but also feel sad that no one wants to hang out with you reevaluate your thought process. Do your actions match what you want out of life? If you feel isolated, move past your discomfort and join a meetup.

Or a facebook group. There’s even a facebook group for people who have MoviePass so you can literally just go see a movie with a stranger. Not something I recommend if you’re 12, but at least in New York we meet up with random people all the time. Try doing it in public spaces if you’re nervous.

3. Go to that after office hangout.

I know we’re supposed to technically keep our work and personal life separate and that’s all well and good if you have a personal life, but come on. Many of us see our coworkers more than we see anyone else in our lives. If you like any of them, say yes to after office drinks. “I don’t drink.” Ok. And? There are non alcoholic drinks at bars, right? Order a soda. Order a lemonade.

If you don’t like your coworkers find a job where you do? Or spend time at places where you like the people? Church? Temple? Dance class? Book club? Dungeons and Dragons? Take the time to get to know people. “No one’s gonna like me.” Of course, they won’t if they don’t know how awesome you are.

What I am saying is we can’t always blame others for our isolation. Sure, it’s partially their responsibility to keep you in mind, but it’s also your responsibility. The cool thing about taking responsibility is that it gives you power. It equates to self sufficiency. It’s taking charge of your life experiences. You don’t have time? Who is in charge of your life? You. Make the time.

I remember I would see people post, f you ever feel alone you can reach out to me.” I thought those were empty words. But, do it. Reach out to your friends and say, “Hey, I feel incredibly isolated from everyone right now and I wanted to know if we could hang out. Today. Right now?”

They may say, “How about Tuesday?” Great. You have plans for Tuesday. Say yes. Then show up. Then go reach out to another friend and another friend another friend until someone says, “Ok. I’ll meet you in ten minutes.” We don’t have to be alone.

Being social takes a lot of work. Go outside of yourself to live the life you want. It doesn’t have to be Paris. It can be as simple as, “I want to do friend things at least twice a week.” Whatever it takes to get you to feel a part of the world. Just remember to keep it up!

How Active Hobbies Made My Relationships Better

May 1, 2018January 22, 2024 by Lacey McKennain Body, Sex, SEX TIPS, Wellness

It’s easy to get in a rut, especially when you settle into a longer term relationships.

When my boyfriend and I met neither of us were active. I would hit the gym sporadically. I asked him to come with me but he hated the gym. I didn’t blame him.

Still I knew that we should be more active. My idea of a good Saturday was reading for about 8 hours straight. Talk about sitting disease.

And while reading is sexy, so is working out. Staying in good shape means better sex. And better sex means happier couples. And don’t forget, we are here to help if you feel like your relationships are stuck. Join LOVE TV and cut through the nonsense to streamline your journey in love.

Make a run for it

One day my boyfriend begrudgingly went on a run with a friend. Before long he went on another run, and another. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about so I gave it a try. Running still isn’t my favorite, but here’s why I stick with it:

When I burn 250 calories in 30 minutes, I don’t feel guilty for eating cake.
It costs one good pair of running shoes.
It has made my relationships stronger.

That third reason is the best. I don’t love running but I do love running with him. He encourages me and keeps me going when I want to quit. We know each other better and support the other in their running goals to get faster or run farther.

It has also given us a fun new weekend activity. Some Sunday mornings we’re out of bed early to go on a run. I never thought this would be me. But when your running partner is also your favorite person, it does great things for your motivation.

I’ve even managed to talk him into several fun runs like The Color Run or The Hot Chocolate 5k. These races keep us training even when we don’t feel like it.

Running has given us something to do together and has brought us closer than ever.

On the rocks

The next hobby my boyfriend wanted to try was rock climbing at a local gym. This was definitely too adventurous for my taste. I went anyway since I wanted to encourage his healthy habits. To my surprise, I enjoyed it.

Now one of our favorite things to do together is visit the climbing gym. We encourage each other to push our limits and work together to find ways to finish challenging routes and climbing problems. We’ve met a lot of great people and made some close friends through climbing.

Something fun to do

When you’re in a new relationship, it’s easy to find fun things to do and talk about. You’re in that “get to know each other” phase that can be so much fun. But then you start to settle into patterns. While the stability is nice, it can be a relationship-killer.

The connections you make through shared activities can keep your relationships alive. It gives you something to talk about, a way to meet other people, and improves your own mental and physical well-being. And just when you think you know everything about your SO, you learn that they are terrible at mini-golf and you spend hours laughing with each other.

When you connect over shared activities, you forge an even stronger bond.

Be grateful for what you can do

Maybe you have a bad knee or somehow got tennis elbow without playing a lick of tennis. Regardless, be grateful for what your body can do. When you start to appreciate your body for what it can do, instead of how it looks, confidence comes easier. Learn more about how a little bit of appreciation can change everything in love.

Even if I’m not a super athlete or a marathon runner, I am grateful that my boyfriend and I can still find fun new things that challenge us and keep us close.

Not sure what to try? Here are a few more ideas:

Kayaking encourages communication and teamwork.
Kickboxing classes will make your butt (and your partner’s) look even better.
Trampoline parks aren’t just for kids.
Laser tag is a surprisingly good workout.
Go for a bike ride. Does your city have a bike share program?
Play frisbee at your local park.
Go paddle boating on your local lake.
Take up photography. This makes a great excuse to find new hiking trails.

Get out there and have fun!

Here Are 5 Things You Need to Know Before Joining a Friendship App

May 15, 2018January 22, 2024 by Jillian Pretzelin Mind, RELATIONSHIPS, Wellness

My first time on a friend app I learned a lot about making friends, swiping right, and the importance of not getting discouraged. Here’s everything you need to know before setting out to find your new BFF.

Making friends as an adult is hard. There. I said it.

In elementary school, it seems so easy to make friends. You just have to show up on the playground with a good attitude and a few Pokémon cards (kids still play with Pokémon cards, right?) and you have plenty of bffs to hang out with at recess every day.

By high school, teenagers form into cliques (you’ve seen TV shows) so sometimes it can be a little harder to make friends, but if you join a club or sports team, you eventually find your group.

But by the time you’re an adult, friend-finding feels impossible. And when finding the right partner can come from a friend or a friend’s recommendation, creating a friend group is important. You’re so busy with work and relationships (and laundry) that it’s easy to lose touch with your old friends and forget to make new friends. Suddenly you find yourself feeling lonely, and no amount of Pokémon cards will help.

Thankfully, that’s when friend apps come in.

That’s right, it’s like a dating app, but for friends, and if you’re like me, you might feel skeptical about them at first. Personally, I’ve never been on a dating app. I met my fiancé before apps were even invented (back then we all had flip phones and spent most of our time talking about how awesome iPod shuffles were), so when I first heard about friend apps, I was nervous.

There are so many of them: Bumble BFF, Hey! Vina, Skout, and Peanut (which is specifically for moms) and the whole thing seemed weird and awkward. I could just picture myself saying “hey want to be friends?” and someone responding, bluntly, “no” and then feeling totally down.

But as it turns out, friend apps are kind of awesome. They’re fun, easy to use, and they help you connect with people who you may have never met. I ended up using Hey! Vina, met some amazing people, and learned a little bit about how to become a better friend. Now, I’m hooked, and I think everyone should have a chance to find friends this easily.

Here is my list of the top five things you need to know before getting on a friend app (and meeting your new BFF!) And don’t forget, if you’re trying to cut through the noise of the dating scene, join LOVETV today.

1. Your bio is everything.

I’ve heard that your picture is everything on a dating app, but in a friend app, your bio takes priority. When I first got on an app I didn’t spend a lot of time on that “about me” section. I quickly typed and honest, but simple, “I like cats, pizza, and wine” and drowned the text with a crap ton of emojis.

I knew my bio was nothing fancy, but when I started swiping through profiles, I realized that I should have put some more work into it. I found that so many people had spent a lot of time describing themselves, creating descriptions that were funny, sweet, and really clever. And those awesome bios were what made me want to reach out to these cool women. I quickly made it a priority to update my profile.

I wrote more about me and tried my best to showcase my personality. By the end, I was proud of my bio, and sure enough, pretty soon I was getting more matches too.

2. You don’t have to find your perfect match.

On a dating app you’re probably looking for a great match: a like-minded person who has a lot in common with you. And that’s probably a good tactic, you need common ground when it comes to starting a relationship.

But with friends, that’s not always the case.

In the beginning, I only swiped right on potential friends who seemed to have a lot in common with me. It seemed like a good idea at first but after awhile I found that I wasn’t swiping right very often. (I mean, come on, how many twenty-seven-year-old grad students getting married in July could I have possibly have found?)

Plus, I realized that it was more fun to strike up a conversation and share experiences with someone who was in a different place in their lives or had different interests.

Don’t swipe left because someone likes country music while you’re into classic rock, or loves waffles when you’re all about pizza. You learn from people who are different from you, so embrace those friendships.

3. You want to take the pressure off your first hangout.

It’s scary to meet up IRL with someone you met online, but if your goal is to make friends, you’ll need to meet up with them eventually.

Still, asking someone if they want to have lunch one day can feel a little intimidating, and your first hangout might end up feeling a little stiff or awkward. The best way to avoid this is to simply tell your new friend where you’re planning to be one particular day, and invite them to join you.

Do you have a coffee shop that you like to hang out in on Saturdays? Are you planning on going to a local concert one day? Telling a new friend what you’re doing, and inviting them to join, is a great way to take the pressure off a new friendship.

If they can’t make it to your weekly bowling hangout, no sweat, but if they do stop by, it can be a great way to make a first meeting feel casual and natural. No pressure, just friendship.

4. You might end up using every app as a friend app.

The truth is that any social media is a great place to connect, and once you get into the mindset of making friends, you can do it anywhere.

After signing up for a friend app, I realized that I was sending more texts and direct messages to old friends from high school or college. I started reaching out to old classmates and acquaintances who had added me, and I ended up connecting with a lot of people.

Friend apps will give you a friend-making mindset, meaning you’ll always be on the lookout for friends. You might not be close with every person you’re friends with on Facebook, but you just might start messaging someone you used to be in a class with, or a friend of a friend you met once or twice.

5. Know that making friends is hard, even on an app

One of the hardest parts of making friends is forming a strong connection, and that doesn’t change on an app. But don’t get discouraged. Finding the right people, and cultivating a friendship, might take some time, but there are some great people out there.

With some time, a good mindset, and maybe a little bit of luck, you’ll find your friends—and together, you guys are going to have the coolest happy hours, the best movie nights, and the most amazing brunch dates.

Maybe making friends isn’t quite like it was when we were kids… and maybe that’s okay. Friend apps are here to help us meet our new besties, and I can’t wait to keep swiping.

How Reducing Stress Completely Changed My Relationships

May 30, 2018January 22, 2024 by Lindsay Hayesin LOVE, Mind, RELATIONSHIPS, Wellness

We all live complicated lives working hard and playing hard. But when stress tarts to take its toll, here is what you can do to keep your relationships solid.

Stress sucks. What I didn’t know was that it was tearing my relationships apart. Work stress, health problems, and life seem to have ganged up and attacked all at once. The stress and negativity quickly gave way to relationships woes.

We have to be on our A game for our clients, colleagues, boss, etc. By the time many of us get around to spending time with our SO, we don’t have much left to give. The sad truth is, the people most important to us often get our worst selves. Their unconditional love means we sometimes take the “unconditional” part for granted.

Being in love doesn’t actually mean your SO is going to stick around forever if things go south. I was unhappy, which meant he was unhappy. Things had to change. If you’re in the same boat, don’t forget we’ve got a way to help. Join LOVETV today.

So I did some research. There are lots of articles about how to de-stress. I read many of them and applied what I could to my life. Here’s what happened:

1.Finding the positive meant we were less defensive with each other.

When you complain about everything all the time, it’s easy for your friends and lover to start wondering if you’re complaining about them too. After all, if nothing makes you happy, how can they have a shot?

I made an active effort to find the positive, to appreciate it, and voice that appreciation. When I stopped complaining I eventually noticed he no longer said things like “don’t get mad but” or “don’t take this the wrong way.” Simply because I had stopped automatically taking it the wrong way.

2.Vent productively

We all need to vent. But that doesn’t give you permission to go on, and on, and on, and on about Bob or Phil at work who constantly interrupts you and talks like she’s explaining quantum physics to a 5 year old.

It’s better to express your frustration concisely and move on to more interesting conversation. This allows your SO to commiserate and then learn about the delicious lunch you had at a new place.

3.Create space to recharge

Beautiful young couple is drinking coffee talking and smiling while sitting near the window at home

When I read this my first thought was “impossible!” But then I broke down my average day and started to see where I would rearrange, reconsider, and remove some busyness. Could I give up an hour of Netflix for a long shower or warm bath? What if instead of coming home and immediately starting laundry, I did yoga for 20 minutes? Too much laundry? Maybe you can do yoga (or whatever makes you smile) while the washer is doing it’s thing.

Now when my SO comes home, instead of being drained from going from my day job to chores at home, I’m actually smiling.

4.Find a hobby you enjoy

When busyness is causing you stress, it seems odd that the answer is to add one more thing to your day. But the importance and benefit of hobbies can’t be overstated. If all you do is work of course you’re unhappy!

There were two immediate benefits of taking up a hobby. The first was that it forced some boundaries with my work schedule. Sure I could work an 11 hour day but I’m someone’s belay partner at our rock climbing gym, so they’ll have to make do with 9 (or even 8) hours.

And since I found a hobby I could do with my SO, it gave us something to smile about and new fun friends to talk to.

5.Express Gratitude

You’ve heard it a million times but that is because it’s so important. Why are you with him or her? Seriously, stop reading for a few seconds and think about their best qualities.

When is the last time you told them this? Find everyday, little ways to acknowledge what you like about him or her. Who doesn’t want a sincere compliment from someone important in their lives?

Stress sucks but it’s also a choice. You can get through your day and feel like crap because you’re dealing with crap. Or you can stop concentrating on the crap, take care of yourself, notice the good things, and maybe end the day with a smile when you cuddle up next to your sweetheart. It’s totally up to you.

True Love Lessons with Sierra: Self-Worth

June 13, 2018January 22, 2024 by Sierra Mercierin LOVE, Mind, RELATIONSHIPS, Wellness

Self-worth!

This lesson keeps popping up for me and those around me, so let’s jump in!

What does it mean to have self-worth?

I believe it means discovering AND believing in your deep inherent value, which in turn, gives you a standard of how you deserve to be treated.

Know that you, just as you are, are a rare and precious jewel with unlimited love to give.

Recognizing that is what polishes your inner jewel making you sparkle from the inside out!

Self-worth is interconnected with self-confidence and self-respect.

These 3 powerhouse energies COMBINED are certain to help you attract an excellent match!

Tune in next time for more True Love Lessons & Confessions with Sierra.