Ola Faleti, Author at Love TV

6 Reasons Why Fall Sweater Weather Is the Best for Dating

August 27, 2017January 22, 2024 by Ola Faletiin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Get ready to fall into lust.

Where’d summer go? Seems like only yesterday that we were sipping Rosé and crafting our summer bucket lists. Now the days will inevitably shorten and we’ll be taking our coats out of storage (unless you live just south of the equator, lucky devils). Don’t fret your pretty little head just yet. There’s lots to love about fall aside from pumpkin lattés and changing foliage.

As everything else chills, here are six ways your romantic life may do the very opposite.

1. Another term for your fall dating? Cuffing season.

You’re probably familiar with summer flings, but some of us know about a little phenomenon called cuffing season. For those who don’t, cuffing season occurs roughly between the months of October and March as the cold makes everyone want to “cuff” themselves to a seasonal boo. Typically, you cut things off once spring starts to appear, but if you’re lucky your fling may morph into a full-blown romance.

2. Summer expectations lessen.

Earlier this year, did you panic when you realized bikini season was a mere few weeks away? The summer bod anxiety is real. I’ve always had the philosophy that everyone has a bikini body if they a) have a body and b) it’s in a bikini. Nonetheless, the stress to slim down can add some pressure to your summer excitement. You can forget all of that once you pile on the layers. The only person seeing your bikini body is you, or your significant other, or your cuffing season partner who likely doesn’t care; if anything, the extra belly fat will keep you both warm.

3. Sex burns more calories — because of the cold!

Just because you’re not exercising for a summer bod doesn’t mean you won’t get a workout. You know sex burns calories, right? BONUS — so does chilly weather. According to Dutch researchers at Maastricht University, shivering can boost your calorie-burning rate 500 percent! Being mildly cold will still boost your metabolic rate. So if you’re feeling extra frisky, get into some car sex with your car heat off — unless it’s below 32 degrees Fahrenheit, obvi.

4. Less-sweaty sex.

You might find a thrill in writhing in someone’s bed in their apartment with busted air conditioning. Some people are into that, just like some people are into testicle musk. If you’re like me and not keen on either of those things, cold-weather sex may be for you. You can skip all the added perspiration in the fall and winter. You’ll also have more energy. The last thing I want to do when it’s hot and muggy is rub skins with someone else. In several weeks, you’ll be able to romp around and change positions as much as you want. And if you’re unlucky enough to not have the best fall/winter indoor heat, never fear because…

5. Cold is the ultimate intimacy-booster.

Half the fun in sex is cuddling, and I can’t think of a better reason to cuddle up to someone than a bitterly windy day. Or a blizzard. We all know that cuddling naked is the best way to get warm, anyway. Some people claim they’re not “into cuddling,” but when your windows are foggy and getting out of bed means getting cold, non-cuddlers don’t really have a choice do they? During the main act, I’d recommend keeping your socks on. Studies from Dutch researcher Gert Holstege show that socks can increase your chance of the big “O”.

6. More endorphins mean saying goodbye to SAD.

Around 10-20 percent of adults are mildly affected by Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) every year. I get it — just thinking about the winter ahead makes me SAD (ha). One of the many benefits of sex is a major euphoria boost. Orgasms release endorphins, which can help with the general malaise that SAD causes. Endorphins also accompany the release of Oxytocin, also known as the “love hormone.” Oxytocin is responsible for turning you all soft and mushy after-sex, and in need of a good cuddle. It might be something to consider if you’re not trying to “catch feelings,” but there’s not much fun in wearing an emotional suit of armor. So I say embrace it and soak up those happy, gushy hormones.

Summer’s ending, but your love life may be about to begin.

With all these benefits in mind, I’m counting the days ‘til fall and refreshing my dating profiles. I suggest you do the same if you want to be warm for the next six months.

There are ways to have great sex in any season, but did you know time of day matters too? Read on if you’re curious about what times of day we like to get it on.

Being Alone Doesn’t Have To Be A Prison Sentence

August 29, 2017January 22, 2024 by Ola Faletiin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Love is a many-splendored (and multifaceted) thing. But unrealistic definitions of it are really to blame if you’re single and sad.

I’m a card-carrying member of the singles club. The combined time I’ve spent in a relationship is about a year. I’m only 25 so it’s not a massive deal, but it is real. In my lonelier months, it sucks to be in “Couplesville,” which can seem to be any and everywhere. Like many millennials, I am an avid googler, and occasionally “I’m single and sad” will be a frequent search result.

I’m not alone; more people are living the single life than ever. The US Census Bureau reported 107 million single adults in 2015, about 45 percent of the US adult population. That’s a sharp jump from 1950, when married adults outnumbered single folks by nearly double.

There are a number of possibilities to explain why this is. We live in a less conservative America now. Women have more economic and professional autonomy. But could it also be that our ideas on love are changing?

The kind of love we often see in media is simply not real.

However, less Americans getting married doesn’t mean that our deep-seeded, cultural ideas about love disappear overnight. Giants like Disney sell us the song-and-dance of romance, skimming around the fact that romantic love as we sell it isn’t accessible for everybody. And cultural norms often make it much tougher for anyone seen as not conventionally attractive (which includes but is not limited to people who have physical disabilities, are overweight, subvert gender binaries, aren’t light-skinned or thin) in their quest for a life partner.

But love is hardly impossible, especially if we broaden its definition.

Deep friendships can be just as rewarding.

Women like Diane Keaton, Condoleezza Rice, and Shonda Rhimes are proof of a robust life sans partner. They have their various reasons for singledom of course, but I’m positive they’ve reaped the benefits of platonic love. We all have.

The first love we ever experience is within the family. Then after the family, within friendships. Do you remember your first friend? Back when the only expectations you had were to see each other semi-regularly and share toys? As feminist scholar bell hooks says her book, in All About Love, “…friendship is the place in which a great majority of us have our first glimpse of redemptive love and caring community. Learning to love in friendships empowers us in ways that enable us to bring this love to other interactions with family or with romantic bonds.”

Friendship love is long-lasting and more flexible than typical romance. You’d be hard-pressed to love someone halfway across the world, who you only contact via email and Skype, and maybe see 2-5 times a year and make it work romantically. On the other hand, I have several friendships that ascribe to the above factors.

It doesn’t mean children are out of the equation.

Platonic love has that extra give, where jealousy, anger and expectations are tempered. No wonder “platonic parenting” is gaining popularity, where two or more people are raising a child together without a romantic relationship between the parents.

Of course, raising children outside of a two-parent, heteronormative relationship is nothing new or even particularly unique. In medieval Europe communal living was the norm; households often included widows, orphans, widows and friends in addition to parents with children. In an Israeli kibbutz, multiple families live communally, and children are raised together by a female caretaker. While not the norm among Israelis, kibbutzim has nonetheless existed for over a century.

This year, I visited a good friend of mine in New Mexico. They were part of a tight-knit and loving queer community, one where a pregnant woman could leave her partner and still know that her child would be cared for by a tribe of people. And now, that child is well-cared for by many members of that chosen family.

Love is love… even when it isn’t romantic.

Our meatiest feelings shouldn’t just be reserved for the romantic loves of our lives. It should be reserved for the people who make us feel most loved and most whole. Our friends, our blood family, our pets, and whoever else falls into that category.

For another look into an alternative view on love, check out this story about taking a “relationship hiatus.”

What You’re Getting Wrong About Sex Positivity

September 8, 2017January 22, 2024 by Ola Faletiin Sex, SEX TIPS

Sex positivity is all the rage, but that doesn’t mean your sexual habits should go unchecked.

The pillar of modern feminism is female choice. There’s the choice to terminate pregnancies, the choice to become a housewife or CEO, and the choice to view sex strictly as empowerment — or not.

Maybe you’ve heard the term “sex positive,” which is attributed to Austrian psychoanalyst and Freud student, William Reich. While the International Society for Sexual Medicine says that “sex positive” can be interpreted in more than one way, being sex positive generally “involves having positive attitudes about sex and feeling comfortable with one’s own sexual identity and with the sexual behaviors of others.”

Reich thought that healthy attitudes towards embracing sex would yield positive effects for the physical and mental health of individuals, and society as a whole. Reich would become a prime inspiration of the 1960s Free Love movement and today we see sex positivity all around us, such as “Slut Walks” conducted across the country to end rape culture.

But can you be both sex positive and critical?

We know that a one-size-fits-all approach never works. For the woman who asserts her right to view sex as an all-empowering act, there’s the woman who with a leerier eye towards sex. Her own sexual experiences might’ve been terrible. Or for her, sex and manipulation go hand-in-hand. Or she believes that sex is dominated by the patriarchy, and we should be wary about how we engage in it and consume it.

“Sex negative” is sometimes used to categorize people (often women) who hold those beliefs about sex. The history of this word is much newer and much murkier than “sex-positive.” However, I’ve heard people say that “sex critical” is a more accurate term for their own beliefs, and I can see why. Any good feminist, regardless of their opinions toward sex, should be critical of their ideology. The good news? Criticism and positivity aren’t mutually exclusive.

Sex positivity does not mean everything goes.

It’s not smart to encourage women and girls to embrace all aspects of their sexuality without considering the consequences. Not everyone’s built for one-night stands and hookups anyway.

While there’s not much conclusive research about casual sex’s negative emotional effects, a New Zealand study from researchers at the University of Dunedin found that promiscuity increases substance dependency problems, more so for women than men. When you think about the libations that go into making random hookups less awkward, it’s not hard to connect the dots.

That’s why it’s important to know the type of person you are before you decide who you sleep with and how you will sleep with them. It’s part of what being a sexually responsible person means. And better mental health equals better sexual health — which equals better sex. Yay!

Sex should be healthy — physically and emotionally.

Being sexually responsible also means putting your well-being first. Self-harm takes on many forms, one of which can be promiscuity (though not everyone categorizes promiscuity as self-harm, especially since it doesn’t cause direct damage to skin, tissue or organs).

One 2013 study of Swedish teenagers showed teens self-identifying their sexual behaviors as self-harm. Most of those teens experienced sexual trauma in their younger lives. So yes, casual sex with multiple partners is a wild and fun time for many, and masochistic ritual for others.

If you are someone with many sexual partners, examine your reasons for why that is. Do you get something positive out of all your experiences? Do you leave those encounters feeling emotionally and sexually satisfied? If you don’t, you might want to reconsider your sexual decisions. Examine your own sexual history and its pain points before choosing to engage promiscuously.

Sex positivity is about empowerment and consent.

The line between sexual freedom and sexual objectification is a thin one for women. We all know the “lady in the streets, freak in the sheets” adage. One of patriarchy’s cruel ironies: the desire for sexually adventurous women and the desire to shame them for it. Anal play, for example, has entered pop culture — what does that mean about what we expect of women? Are men going to expect female partners who’ll play with their prostates, or take it from the back?

In the sex positive sphere, it can be easy to have lots of wild sex and tell yourself that you’re exercising your liberties. But are you? Or are you just doing what you think will keep a man happy?

Sex positivity doesn’t mean never considering negative consequences, but about making sex choices that work for you.

Your sex life is yours, whether you choose to engage copiously or not at all. If you’re sex-positive — kudos. But take the time to see things with a “critical” perspective; it’ll only make your own sex life better, I promise. By doing this, you can make sure all the aspects of your sexual experience are positive, not just the physical ones.

Looking for more ways to enhance sex with a partner? Please do this one thing after sex.

Why Good Looks Don’t Guarantee a Good Lay

September 29, 2017January 22, 2024 by Ola Faletiin Sex, SEX TIPS

Pretty people don’t actually have it all when it comes to sex.

Ah, the beautiful people, with their killer bodies and smilies, universal love from everyone, better sex… right?

The advantages that conventionally attractive people get is called “beauty privilege.” But there are ways they’re at a disadvantage when it comes to sex. Here are five reasons why being attractive could work negatively in their favor.

1. Beauty is intimidating.

How many times have you passed someone on the street that took your breath away with their impeccable bone structure? You probably thought, “Damn – they’re way out of my league.” Chances are, a lot of people think like you. Even Rihanna complained about “not getting booty calls” (hence her heavy Twitter presence). Of course, her superstar schedule keeps her busy, but insecure men are bound to be scared off by Rih’s “Sexiest Woman Alive” title.

The conventionally average-looking among us tend to be intimidated by the super conventionally attractive. What does that mean? Less sex for the beautiful. So take heart — next time you see a babe in public, spit some game. They might not be getting as much attention as it seems.

2. They might not always get honest feedback on their skills.

Being beautiful can translate to not having to try as hard. Continuous studies have proven that humans perceive those with “beauty privilege” as friendlier, smarter and just better. This carries over into many realms, sex included, If you’ve had the pleasure of sleeping with someone beautiful, perhaps they rocked your world. Or maybe they were absolutely unremarkable.

I remember a college acquaintance who hooked up with a campus heartthrob. The verdict? He just “laid there” and she did all the “work.” Is it really his fault, though? Beautiful people may live in a bubble of privilege that lets them not need to do as much work in life, so why would they in bed? Good news for them, not-so-good news for everyone else.

3. Pretty on the outside does not guarantee pretty on the inside.

I’ve met some very lovely beautiful people and, unfortunately, beautiful people that turned ugly once they said more than 5 words to me. The pretty-but-mean stereotype has a firm place in our hearts. Hello, Regina George? Blair Waldorf?

Sure, these are the pretty people that make a bad name for the rest, but there’s also science on our side: a 2011 Spanish study suggested that people with symmetrical faces (a common marker of conventional attractiveness) are more self-sufficient and have less incentive to co-operate with others. And man, if there’s anything that takes cooperation it’s sex. Good sex, at least.

4. They get used, too.

We all have feelings and no one likes when they’re hurt. No one likes being used. Those are human universals. But beauty is currency in our society. Being attractive can put you at higher risk for meaningless hookups and jerks who spend a night cooing sweet things in your ear, only to ghost on you the next day.

Too many folks just want a pretty notch on their belt and don’t care about the emotions beyond someone’s nice face and body. Which creates a fertile breeding ground for trust issues, a whole ‘nother can of worms to contend with.

5. Good looks does not always equal good self-esteem.

I know a number of conventionally beautiful women who do not see themselves as such. They see their barely-noticeable cellulite and the damn-near-invisible whiteheads on their face. From them, I learned that good looks do not always equal good self-esteem. And self-esteem is one of those things that becomes incredibly evident after you’re around someone for longer than half an hour.

Someone with good self-esteem knows how to enjoy their own body as much as their partner’s, and is more receptive to the give-and-take of sexual interaction. I’ve never slept with an Adonis with confidence issues, but I’m positive I’d rather choose an average-looking, self-assured man.

So the next time you see a dreamboat and think they have “beauty privilege,” well, think twice.

Beauty privilege might get you jobs, promotions, and the social ease that comes with everyone wanting to get into your pants — but that doesn’t always translate to an amazing sex life. For all you know they’re enduring a year-long drought. But with some confidence and empathy, you can be the one to end it for them.

For more sex tips, check out this fairly unconventional suggestion on getting the best sex of your life.

How Ride-Shares are Completely Changing The One-Night Stand

December 14, 2017January 22, 2024 by Ola Faletiin Sex, SEX TIPS

The trusty one-night stand. Whether you’re rebounding from a break up or just having some good old singles fun, it’s a way for we modern, single women to enjoy and empower ourselves (in all good, consensual fun of course).

Lucky for us things have become more convenient. Who needs a walk of shame when you could call a Lyft?

Rideshares have changed how we travel in major cities – traveling to and from one-night stands included. In the old days, after some horizontal hustling, you’d have to figure out how to call a cab home. Or feel obligated to spend the night. Thankfully the times have changed.

1. It’s easier to leave right after sex

There’s still awkward conversation around things, the nature of the conversation is just different. Are you spending the night? If not, what’s the correct time threshold post-coitus, to avoid maximum rudeness? Is it polite for the guy to call a Lyft? But you have Lyft on your phone, right?

While there are plenty of questions to dance around, having an affordable rideshare app on your phone is incredibly convenient. You have so many choices because the ball is, truly, in your court. I see nothing wrong with basking in some post-sex glory for a few minutes before saying, “This was fun, I hope you don’t mind if I call my Uber now.” No need to feel obligated to stay if you don’t want to.

If you’re going to dip early, be prepared to call your own Uber. It’s the 21st century and independent women can call their own rideshares. But maybe your partner, if willing, will offer to split.

2. It’s cheaper to make it to those last-minute booty calls

You’re in bed one January night, tucked under a comforter and watching your favorite movie on Netflix when you get that text. You know the one. “Hey what are you up to?” “How are you?” “Wyd? You look at the time. It’s 11pm. Where will this go?

When I get this text I usually opt to stay in bed because I’m lazy and don’t want to pay for a late night uber all the way to the far end of the city. But if you’ve got nothing better to do and have the energy for a late nighttime romp, go get your groove on!

If you live in a big city you even have Uber Pool or Lyft Line, which can cut your fare to a third of normal price, as long as you’re not in a hurry and don’t mind passengers along the way.

3) Speaking of Lyft Line and UberPOOL….More Dates?!

When I get into a shared rideshare, I tend to look at my phone or stare out my window awkwardly. Then again, I’ve never shared a ride with someone cute.

This suggestion is for the more bold/aggressive among you. If you’re feeling friendly you can strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. It might be hard for some to spark genuine, organic conversation, but you could make a new friend. Who knows, you might see yourself on the “Missed Connections” on Craigslist. You’d be surprised to see how many of them come from Uber rides. If you’ve been thristing for some more dates, shared rideshares can be a goldmine.

As for starting up a conversation, if you live somewhere with terrible weather, that’s always an option. Traffic is another safe option. Or say you like their shoes. Being a little tipsy probably helps bring you out of your shell. The UberPOOL and Lyft Line are opening a whole new realm of relationship potential, if you’re looking for it.

4. Guess who cares about your sex life?

In 2014 Uber caught flack for tracking the prevalence of one-night stands in major cities (or, “Rides of Glory” as they called them). Then they posted their findings on the Uber blog.

After getting bad press and lawsuit threats, Uber took the information down. It’s still unsettling though. With the amount of our lives being tracked through our phones, it could be a matter of time before this information is tracked again.

Companies collect information to improve the services they offer. Collecting data on when people like to get frisky can change the way they market, who they market to or areas that are perceived as “hot” zones for drivers. This could also mean an end to the clandestine fun of a one-night encounter. Don’t count on that happening anytime soon, but never say never.

Even so, our foremothers probably would’ve loved the chance to leave a less-than-satisfactory tryst on their own terms. The marvels of the modern age never cease.

Remember that we’re always here at LOVE TV to help you begin your next adventure in love. We are an empowering resource and guide for moving forward and finding new ways to love again.

What Does The Future Hold for Valentine’s Day?

February 7, 2018January 22, 2024 by Ola Faletiin DATING ADVICE, LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

It’s February, and I know the drill: candy aisles filled with heart-shaped boxes, jewelry ads bombarding my web feeds with Valentine’s Day.

For what initially started as a brutal Roman holiday, Valentine’s Day has become a capitalist wet dream. According to Hallmark, over 151 million cards are sold annually. Which is funny to me, since I’ve bought Valentines (think the pack of 32 that come with stickers and candy sometimes) but never an actual card.

I’ve always been single for V-Day. I’m in good company; as of 2014, Gallup says that 60% of people ages 18-29 have never been married. Another survey says that 58% of millenials view V-Day as overrated.

With student loan debt through the roof, and plenty of millenials living paycheck to paycheck, lots of us don’t have the means to splurge on gifts. So, how will a holiday that thrives on compulsory gift giving and flower buying bode for a decidedly anti-capitalist generation? Well, I have some ideas. Picture this: it’s 2118 and Valentine’s Day means…

Including lovers of all varieties (not just romantic ones)

The Spice Girls said it best: “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.” Except in this case, lovers can take a backseat.

Over the past few years, self-care has become a buzzword, a movement, and a market all at once. So yes, self-love, but this also means not placing as much importance in romantic relationships, and whether or not you’re a part of one.

With phenomena like “Galentine’s Day” taking off, millenials are over this couples-only world. More adult are single folks. More women are growing comfortable in living perfectly stable, fulfilled lives without a romantic partner. I’ve always liked the idea of a Valentine’s Day that uplifts all the people we love, not just the ones we’re romantically intimate with.

In 2118, Marketers realize that unabashed singles are an untapped market. If you try to sell me something on a couple’s pretense, I’m not interested. But in the name of self-care? Take my money, why don’t you!

Advertisers Switch Up Their Tactics

Not too many people genuinely enjoy ads, but I prefer to avoid them altogether. I hit the “skip ad” button on YouTube so quickly. If that’s not an option, I mute them. The case is even more extreme for younger millennials; Generation Z is the most difficult audience to market to yet.

Not only are younger generations less tolerant of commercials, but also the most sexually varied generation. This is a problem when V-Day largely caters to straight couples.

We are the most queer generation ever. We also have an awareness of different intersections of identity (racial, ethnic, sexual) that’s unprecedented. It’s simply not realistic for all marketing toward us to be a white man and a white woman kissing. Evolve or die, as they say, and I imagine V-Day evolving.

Since Millennials value authenticity above else, I picture more folks getting their Valentine’s paraphernalia from places like Depop and Etsy, rather than big box stores. Or, V-Day cards in the Hallmark aisle with a bunch of different categories (women loving men, women loving women, men loving men, nonbinary, asexual). Instead of e-cards, think meme cards.

Overall, I imagine a more underground V-Day celebration. Which brings me to…

Renegade Holidays Will Pop Up

We’ve seen this happening with the reclaiming of Columbus Day as Indigenous People’s day. For we non-Christmas celebrating folk, there’s Festivus. As a generation that’s already combating gender and sexuality norms, and all other norms, it would make sense for many millennials to flat out reject V-Day with our own alternative holiday.

We already have that in Galentine’s Day. Some places are ahead of the curve: in Finland, February 14 is National Friendship Day.

In 2118, I forecast celebrations like “Asexual Awareness Day”, “International Vibrator Day” or “International Singles Day,” many of which, incidentally, already exist, taking over. Because commercialism is boring and the internet is a wildly imaginative place.

I’m no psychic, so I may be off target. What I do know is that the existing Valentine’s Day model (dates, heart-shaped chocolates, nice jewelry) isn’t very old at all. Millennials aren’t your mother’s generation. And getting a stale box of Russell Stover’s chocolates is something I can do for myself, thank you.

V-Day 2118 may still have the big box store vestiges of white, pink and red. But before long, the holiday will largely be in the hands of the independent retailers. No matter what V-day looks like in future, some things won’t change. There will always be folks who, like me, celebrate the holiday on their own accord by eating heart-shaped pizza and watching raunchy comedies.

10 Valentine’s Day Activities That Won’t Require a Significant Other

February 13, 2018January 22, 2024 by Ola Faletiin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Because mushy feelings are for everybody.

So, Valentine’s Day. A day of pink and red, and couples flaunting their couple-y ness…or so it may seem when you’re very, very single. I am very, very single and consider V-Day a great opportunity to be good to yourself, along with the other lovelies in your life because romantic couples don’t have a monopoly on love (obviously).

You have just as many options for activities as couples do on February 14.

1. Go to a sex shop

I said Valentine’s Day was a great day for self loving — what better to do so than treating yourself. Cash out on that vibrator you’ve been eyeing. Or buy your first one. Or just giggle at how many genital-shaped things there are.

Either way, I encourage making a purchase; chances are it’s on sale too, since you won’t be the only one looking to get sexy on that day.

2. Eat a heart-shaped pizza all by yourself

I did this last year and it was wonderful. Pizza is already wonderful, but heart-shaped pizza is super cute and Instagram worthy. Plus there’s something about eating heart-shaped pizza that just makes you feel good. I’ll probably do this every Valentine’s Day, to be honest. At least until I have someone to make dinner plans with, because I’m not sharing pizza.

3. Volunteer

If it’s hard for you to shake off some sad feelings about a solo Valentine’s Day, you can turn that sadness into productivity! As someone who works at a volunteer run organization, I know that February 14 is a day when people bail on shifts due to evening plans. Pick up for a shift at a shelter, or food bank. Only good can come out of putting more love into the world.

4. Book a trip for one

I am, and always will be, a strong advocate of solo travel. I love going places alone. I love doing things at my own pace, eating all the chocolate I want, and just generally using the time to recharge myself. All the more reason this is a great Valentine’s Day activity if you’ve got some cash burning a hole in your pocket! Consider a few places off the beaten path. Even a brief road trip a few towns over will do.

5. Treat yourself to a hotel room

If you can’t book tickets to get away, rent yourself a hotel room, pick up some bubbly, and take an extra-long, luxurious bath. If you’re feeling extra gutsy, go to the hotel bar and get some fun drinks. Who knows, you might meet someone cute. Either way, you’re having a grand, luxurious time. Happy Valentine’s Day to you!

6. Galentine’s Day

I think “Galentine’s Day” a really cheesy name, but I’m into the concept. I love my friends. One V-Day I made plans to drink champagne and eat strawberries with one, although she bailed on me…but trust and believe, it’s happening this year.

Dress up with your friends (they don’t all have to be “gals”) and make some good food together. Or order some. It’s a sure way to end the night with a heart bursting from love.

7. Make actual valentines

Remember in elementary school when everyone just made valentines for everyone and it was sweet with no romantic pretense? I miss those simpler times.

But I love paper crafts and generally sending my friends things in the mail, so channel all your love energy into some sweet cards. Load up on lots of paper, stickers, glitter and good markers. Or you could just go store bought. Nothing says I love you like a Hello Kitty card.

8. Decorate your space

People don’t decorate nearly enough. If birthdays, New Years’, and Christmas are occasions to deck out your home, I don’t see why Valentine’s Day shouldn’t be.

For the past couple weeks I’ve been eyeing the heart-shaped mirrors, heart banners, pink streamers, and pink lights at target. Half of them are in the dollar section, too. If you’re into decorating, turn your abode into a soft oasis of pink. Why? Because you can.

9. Watch some unromantic movies

My favorite holiday movies are always the unconventional ones (think Bad Santa, the Ice Harvest, Edward Scissorhands). If you’re really one of the “I hate V-Day” crowd, watch some really uncheesy, devoid-of-tenderness movies.

Forget When Harry Met Sally. Try Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Plus it’s Oscar season, so there are way too many movies worth seeing on the big screen. Pick one that’s not super sappy and enjoy being in a couple-free room. Even if it’s not couple free, it’s too dark to tell.

10. Ball out on dinner

Many restaurants run Valentine’s Day promos. Most are of the buy-one-get-one free variety, so bring a friend along or pocket the leftovers for yourself!

While I adore eating out alone, I realize that not everyone is so comfortable being out and so obviously single. Try to pick a place that isn’t particularly romantic. Or, better idea, clear off your dining table, light some candles, break out the good china, and order some gourmet eats.

This is only a list of 10, but the possibilities go much further! If you want, dream about sharing V-Day with someone next year. Or do what I’ll do, which is enjoy a whole heart pizza to myself. Because f*ck sharing.

Want some more ideas? Check out some Valentine’s Day activities you can do if you’re hiding inside all day for the holiday or even some ideas if you want to show your community some love on V-Day.

Will #MeToo Spur a Sex-Ed Revolution for American Youth?

February 16, 2018January 22, 2024 by Ola Faletiin Sex, SEX TIPS

It’s not just about learning how to use condoms — and it never was.

When I think of my introduction to sex-ed, I think of weekday mornings in a stuffy seventh grade classroom, with diagrams of male and female reproductive anatomy.

Our teacher was a kind, dark-haired woman who entertained the questions our pubescent selves would anonymously drop in a box before each class. Things like “how much pubic hair is too much pubic hair” and “is it ok to be attracted to older men.”

I feel lucky to say that I actually learned a lot from these sessions. We covered the common and lesser known bodily anatomy (think vas deferens) while talking about our changing bodies.

One subject we absolutely did not discuss was consent. I don’t remember a unit on it, or even discussion of rape except maybe a token, brief no means no mention.

We didn’t have a unit on consent in my high school sex ed class, either. Both classes were over ten years ago.

Over the past five years, talk of sexual assault on college campuses has been covered in various news outlets. However, 2017 was the year when floodgates, seemingly, burst open. With each new account and each new accusation of men in power abusing it in the worst ways, more questions surfaced: what are we teaching our men and boys? What kind of society tolerates, even becomes accustomed to, so much sexual violence?

A patriarchal one. #MeToo is a glaring sign that a greater shift needed to happen. Not just hashtags, and protests, but fundamental education too. Sex-ed is a great place for that shift to happen.

Sex-ed in the United States remains contentious because for one, it doesn’t exist everywhere.

Eleven U.S. states don’t require any sex education in schools. The religious right is adamant in believing that any non abstinence-only education will lead to premarital sex. The U.S. education system is in shambles as is. So why even invest the resources in better sex-ed programs?

More than 20% of children are sexually abused before the age of 8. If anything, it’s more imperative that they learn the consent talk early.

I have clear memories of pre-school, being chased on a playground by a group of boys, with them catching me and attempting to pull down my skorts. This behavior isn’t uncommon. It isn’t even frowned upon. It’s saying “boys will be boys,” to the detriment of all genders.

Consent is not too complicated for toddlers to understand. They learn to share toys and space with others, why shouldn’t they learn the same with bodies?

Teaching anatomy only isn’t enough.

The young generation has unprecedented access to pornography and sexual media. In the information age, these kids are “informed” in many ways that previous generations were not. But pornography doesn’t teach consent. Most TV programs don’t teach consent either. And that’s a problem.

Sex education can only work if its teachings are being enforced by society at large. With an alleged rapist occupying the highest U.S. office, the recent near-election of an accused child rapist, and dozens, thousands, millions of victims whose voices go unheard, sex education in this country will need a stronger support than grassroots organizations.

On the other hand, can there even be a curriculum for teaching consent? While it’s easy to think of it as a black-and-white area, it’s not. Not when consent (or lack thereof) is non-verbal, and not when both parties or intoxicated, or not when one party regrets the sex in the moment but does not communicate that to their partner.

I wish my sex ed classes covered how to say no when you’ve changed your mind about sex, and how to communicate what you’re willing and not willing to do. At the very least, discussed it.

Those are good starting points for teaching young people about consent. My hope for this generation is that it will be the last to be silenced by sexual trauma. I believe a sex-ed revolution is on the rise, but it’s more of a question of whether or not a sex ed revolution is enough.

More like this, A New Way to Help Teens Foster Healthy Dating Habits and Relationships, A Consent Uprising and My Own Sexual Assault, or What You’re Getting Wrong About Sex Positivity

9 Ways To Meet People Besides Scrolling Through Dating Apps

February 17, 2018January 22, 2024 by Ola Faletiin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Don’t let your phone do all the work.

Your fingers are sore from the constant swiping, your mind tired from constantly thinking of witty quips for your next dating profile. I hear you. I’ve been there — in fact, I’m there now.

The good news is that you can always take a hiatus. The better news is that you can still meet new people, sans screen.

Here are some ideas for how to meet people in real life.

Volunteer

The benefits of volunteering are limitless. I got my current full-time job through being a committed volunteer. I’ve made lots of friends volunteering. The same extends to finding a date.

While you shouldn’t volunteer just to meet a date (because gross), volunteering is a major way to expand your network. Lots of volunteer programs have mixers of volunteer appreciation nights – try going to one and seeing who catches your fancy after a few drinks.

Go to meetups

I’ve used meetup.com for poetry workshop groups and for practicing French conversations. It’s an excellent way to meet folks you’ve never met before.

Creating a profile is pretty straightforward, it’s mainly a matter of choosing what your interests are. This way, you’ll definitely meet folks you share a common line with. If nothing else,you’ll make new friends – especially if you go consistently

Partake in an artistic community

Are you a painter, writer, dancer, or musician? Or do you appreciate those art forms? When I say get involved in your town/city’s art scene, I don’t just mean going to the big museums; I mean going to open mics, local shows, small gallery openings, and community theater performances. I’ve gotten the chance to meet so many awesome creatives by simply going up to the performers later and telling them how great they were.

Most local art is reasonably priced, and because it’s so small, when you see the lead of Antigone the musical that wowed you, you can tell them in person (and slip your number if you’re feeling flirty).

Take classes

Learning is the thing I miss most about school. Luckily, there are plenty of adult learning opportunities.

Want to brush up on your college pottery? Or learn to make pots like Sam in “Ghost?” Look into a local class and meet other folks who want to expand their minds, too. You’ll always have a discussion topic – class!

Accept your friends’ party invites

Easier said than done. I am the #1 champion of calling it a night early because it’s 10:00pm on a Friday and sometimes, bed is just a nice place to be. But I’ve also forced myself to go out and ended the night with two new numbers in my phone. Go to your friends’ birthday parties, or random club meetings and expand your network. Most job opportunities (and romantic opportunities) tend to come from folks like acquaintances, or people who aren’t part of your immediate friend circle.

Eat out/go to bars alone

I know, I know – wild. More people do this than you would think. Try picking a bar that’s on the quieter side and sit at the bar, so you can at least chat up the bartender. I’ve done this before and had plenty of friendly, non-creepy conversation. Plus sitting alone makes you look confident, and confidence is way sexier than bona fide good looks. If you’re still nervous about it you can bring a good book as backup.

Join a book club

You’ve been telling yourself you want to read more for years. Just join a book club already! You can find one through a friend, or through websites like meetup. Nothing’s hotter than someone with a working brain. Ask your book club crush about their thoughts on Zadie Smith and go from there. This is much better than eyeing the book titles of strangers on the train and mentally appreciating their choices in literature – which I do a lot.

Don’t work from home all the time

While working from home can be a blessing, it’s not so great on the social side of things. You’re missing out on all the office gossip and potential for flings (which, on second thought, might be a for the best after all). Get out of your PJs and hit up your local cafe. Once you become a regular, you notice the other regulars too, including the handsome barista at the bar.

Go to the dog park

Few things are as joyous as playing with a pup in the park, while low-key scoping for potential dates. A guy with a dog obviously has a soul, so the dog park works pretty well as a vetting location!

See if you can borrow a friend’s dog for a tousle in the park. If they have a busy schedule, I doubt they’d resent their dog getting more outdoor time.

You can totally meet people without relying on a screen. It’s as simple as getting the hell out of your house. Easier said than done. But once you get going, watch your phone fill up with contacts.

If you’d like to read more like this, check out: “Behind the Swipe” with LOVE TV — The Story of 10 Tinder Dates in One Month, 7 Love Lessons I Learned from the Amazon Show “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel”, and Is Your Dating Out Of This World? Here’s How to Find What Planet You Are

The Joys of a Sexless First Date Are a lot Better Than You Might Think

March 4, 2018January 22, 2024 by Ola Faletiin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

There’s nothing wrong with setting out to get laid on the first date, but there’s fun in going on a date that leads to no sex, or even not kissing.

I’ve been in a total “dating sucks” state of mind lately. Maybe it’s the winter weather that makes me want to bog down in a sea of fleece blankets, warm tea mug in hand. I’ve been apathetic, because all I can think about is how much work it is to make plans, get dressed, go somewhere, and keep up the effort even with someone who isn’t the one. I started thinking, there’s got to be more.

People who are hyper-focused on being in a relationship will approach dates with tunnel vision. The same can be said for folks who are hyper-focused on only dating for sex, too. But there’s so much more!

I had to remind myself of all the fun times I’ve had on first dates that didn’t “go anywhere.” No sex, not even a kiss, and not even a second date. What ever happened to the joy of meeting people for the sake of meeting people?

1. A sexless first date can make you see a friend in a new light or build a foundation of intimacy.

The first time I went on a date with a friend was kind of odd, which, I guess, is to be expected. I saw it coming. He’d hint at his interest with suggestive comments about my outfits, my smile, not-so-overt innuendos, etc.

But it’s fun to see the different side of someone you’ve always viewed platonically. He held open doors and looked nicer than usual and gave me puppy dog eyes a lot. The charm was turned all the way on, and I thought “okay, I can see why someone would date you.”

It was cute! We didn’t work out romantically for a number of reasons, but it’s good to remember why you’re friends with people to begin with, and it’s good to see someone turn on the charm for you.

At the same time, if your date goes horribly that can be a sign that your friendship isn’t as solid as you think it is.

2. There are no post-sex regrets.

I’m lucky to say (and it’s sad that I feel lucky in this) that I haven’t had too many sexual encounters I’ve regretted. It helps that I generally don’t have sex if I’m really intoxicated.

When you want sex you want it, and I tend to listen to my carnal desires if I don’t think they’ll have unpleasant repercussions. That being said, there have definitely been underwhelming coital encounters that left me thinking, “I could have had a V8.”

I believe that no sex is better than bad sex. At least with a sexless first date, the worst you get out of it is an hour wasted. There’s no lamenting over how you could have gone home and just pulled out your vibrator.

3. You can focus better on who you’re with.

I know what it’s like to go on a date with only the end goal of smashing in mind. You entertain the person you’re with, have amiable-enough conversation, lest they say something that turns you off completely and ruins any chance of you getting naked for them. No amount of friendly laughter and offhand jokes will hide what you want at the end of the night.

And hey, I’m not knocking this at all. If you’re being safe and smart about casual sex, get your groove on.

But what would it be like to go into a date with no expectations at all?

I heard some good advice once about dating and “meeting people”: focus on friendship first.

Think of a first date as a potential friend. Find out their interests, see if they’re fun to hang out with at a museum, or if they like 90s sitcoms, or what they do outside of their day job.

We don’t go around sleeping with our friends when we first meet them – or at least I certainly don’t. If you do, you might have some things to work on. (Don’t we all?)

The key to an enjoyable first date is the “no expectations” part. I live in a big city with so many interesting, weird, wacky and beautiful people – I wouldn’t do them (or myself) justice if I were only focused on sleeping with them, or making them my significant other.

Wow, I think I’ve actually convinced myself to go on some more dates! After all, the snow is melting, the days are getting longer, the sun is showing itself a bit more. Anything goes in Chicago though – we know it doesn’t really get nice until Memorial Day.

If you’re searching for more dating tips and tricks, join LOVE TV and work with our gurus and love experts to find the best solutions for you.

Why You Shouldn’t Let Your Mom’s Body Critiques Bum You Out

March 8, 2018January 22, 2024 by Ola Faletiin Body, Mind, Wellness

Not everyone is lucky to have a family that’s self-affirming in all the ways. Here’s why you should ignore their body image comments, so it doesn’t affect how you feel about yourself.

The insecurity is real. A UK study showed that 91% of women are unhappy with an aspect of their bodies. Things like Instagram, fashion ads, and the overall pervasive idea that the best thing a woman can be is beautiful, doesn’t help. We get enough crap from society about our body image, but what about when the comments come from the people we love most?

I have a mother who loves me and who has my best interest at heart, and I know this. My mom is also African, traditional, and has very clear-cut ideas about what is classically beautiful and what isn’t — and some of the ways I have fallen short of that.

Her intentions are never malicious, just honest. Maybe you too have too-honest folks, or extended family who won’t stop making snide remarks around the Thanksgiving table every year. If you find yourself getting overly frustrated with their tactlessness, here are some things to realize:

Their comments reflect more on their insecurities than yours.

You could be totally fine with your cellulite, or spindly legs, or toneless arms. But when you have relatives that have similar features, they might not be so lucky. While grappling with their own missing body image, they shoot you down in the process.

I’ll never forget the conversation I had when I first buzzed my head in high school, a beauty decision my mom did not approve of. She said, verbatim, “Only really beautiful women can be beautiful without hair. But for average women like us, our hair is our beauty.”

This wasn’t an insult per se,. but we’d all hope our mothers, if no one else, to find us beautiful. Or at least I did. I was bummed to hear that my mom didn’t see herself as beautiful either, when she had always been beautiful to me.

Sometimes family is a reflection of our biggest worries. If you know you have that one aunt who hates her complexion while you love yours, don’t let her insecurities plant seeds in your head.

The era and place in which they grew up is different from yours

The ultimate proof of female beauty’s subjectivity is how it changes with every generation. Over the past 100 years in the United States, Americans have gone from praising a thin, boyish figure (1920s), a plump, intensely hourglass figure (1950s) to big boobs, big butts and a thigh gap (now). And that’s only within the the Western world.

If you have family who grew up with a different culture, their views of what’s beautiful may be even more skewed.

In West Africa they like their women with curves. They like their women with ample hips and thighs. Solidly built. Well, that’s not my body at all. I am thin with a narrow figure, and I have almost always been.

A trip to the motherland isn’t complete without the obligatory comments about how I need to gain weight, and that maybe it’ll help mbe get a boyfriend if I eat more.

I’m not saying this to elicit sympathy; in the Western world being thin is a beauty privilege. I don’t have job offers rescinded, or have to worry about finding places that carry my size, or being berated by randoms on the street about my body. But I also believe that if you can’t say something nice about someone’s body image, no matter their size, then you shouldn’t say anything.

Understanding that your family’s beauty standards can differ due generational and cultural gaps is something that can take the sting from comments that make you self- conscious.

Their comments may reflect their own upbringing

People model their behavior after what they learned early on. The family you were raised with is your introduction to socialization. And unfortunately, not everyone grows up hearing sentiments that are bathed in sweetness.

While my parents are not cruel, they are honest in the only way they know how to be. I don’t fault them for it. But I know that I also have the ability to say, “You can feel however you want about my ____, but I like it just fine.” That shuts unyielding commenters up pretty quickly.

You are the number one person in charge of how you feel about yourself. Just because people love you, doesn’t always mean they know how to show it in soft ways.

For some, honesty is love. If you’re around family members who put you down so much that your mental health plummets, stay as far away from those folks as possible. Family can be toxic, too.

If you liked this article, try reading…: How Burlesque Let Me Claim My Body Image, I’m Embracing Vanity. Here’s Why You Should Too, or WHY Do You Weigh Yourself?

If you want to join a community of positive and affirming people eager to help you find more love in your life, join LOVE TV!

Why Not Having Sex on a First Date can be Awesome After All

April 17, 2018January 22, 2024 by Ola Faletiin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

There’s nothing wrong with setting out to get laid on the first date, but there’s fun in going on a date that leads to no sex, or even not kissing.

I’ve been in a total “dating sucks” state of mind lately. Maybe it’s the winter weather that makes me want to bog down in a sea of fleece blankets, warm tea mug in hand. I’ve been apathetic, because all I can think about is how much work it is to make plans, get dressed, go somewhere, and keep up the effort of being cordial with someone who could be a total asshole at the end of the night.

People who are hyper-focused on being in a relationship will approach dates with tunnel vision. The same can be said for folks who are hyper-focused on getting laid, too.

And don’t forget, if you’re trying to find the right person, join LOVE TV as a member today, and you can streamline your search.

1. A sexless first date can make you see a friend in a new light.

At the same time, if your date goes horribly that can be a sign that your friendship isn’t as solid as you think it is.

2. No post-sex regrets

I’m lucky to say (and it’s sad that I feel lucky in this) that I haven’t had too many sexual encounters I’ve regretted. It helps that I generally don’t have sex if I’m really intoxicated.

3. You can focus better on who you’re with.

And hey, I’m not knocking this at all. If you’re being safe and smart about casual sex, more power to you.

But what would it be like to go into a date with no expectations at all?

I heard some good advice once about dating and “meeting people”: focus on friendship first. Think of a first date as a potential friend. Find out their interests, see if they’re fun to hang out with at a museum, or if they like 90s sitcoms, or what they do outside of their day job.

We don’t go around sleeping with our friends when we first meet them – or at least I certainly don’t. If you do, you might have some things to work on. (Don’t we all?)

I’m Not Dreaming Of A Summer Fling This Year (And I’m OK With That)

June 20, 2018January 22, 2024 by Ola Faletiin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS, Sex

The joys of summer extend beyond romance.

It’s hard not to romanticize summer. I hail from Chicago, where the winters last six months, and the first 90 degree days of the season have everyone wistful. We’re eager to break out a cold beer on a stoop, and excited to indulge in hormonal urges.

Some of us, newly single, decide we’re going to be adventurous this summer. The rest of us, long single, dust off our dating profiles on the quest for a summer fling.

I fell into the latter camp. Summer always seemed to bring out a new resolve: I’m going to have amazing sex. This body is too young, soft and supple to not be appreciated by someone else.

Two summers ago I discovered a new-found freedom in going on dates, meeting new people, and enjoying the physical experience before moving on. I didn’t want that summer to end. I’m sure I did other notable things that summer, but when all was said and done I thought, “Yes! Flings are what summer is about. I’m taking full advantage of my youth!”

Last summer, I did no such thing. The summer began with a tryst with a longtime friend, followed by lots of weird sexual tension. And, being 1000% honest with myself, I’d hoped it would become more than a one-time thing.

I entertained the thought of a summer-long friends-with-benefits type of deal. Instead I got lots of broken expectations, mixed signals, and poor communication. Things only worsened when this “friend” left me very drunk at a concert, so intoxicated I woke up in a hospital the next day.

Summer love isn’t a unique phenomenon. There are films, books, songs, beers, 60s counterculture movements and New York Times articles devoted to the topic. I wonder why nothing captivates public attention like the promise of a summer romance.

It could be that the weather puts everyone in a better mood. People are leaving their homes more, people are bearing more skin. Maybe we are more gung-ho about meeting new people and going on new adventures.

There’s nothing wrong with being excited for summer flings. They can be fun, exhilarating, and offer a new perspective. It’s only a problem when you build a summer fling to be the pinnacle of your summer.

For me, last summer’s “fling gone awry” is what I remember the most. Not the other amazing things that happened – like the fact that I received a significant promotion at my job, or that I was starting to get freelance assignments for the first time. I was even published in a book!

It was learning that someone I considered a good friend, at some point, is actually not the best person. The goals I achieved that summer were dwarfed by my cocktail of negative emotions surrounding that situation. It’s silly to give someone else the power of “messing up your summer,” so I’m not going to do that this year. This year will be amazing!

I’m not discouraging anyone from being excited about hookup or romance potential, but I am encouraging everyone to be excited about other opportunities for personal growth. Make some exciting travel plans. Take a new class, learn more about your professional industry. Embark on a personal project for fun. Read more books. Make goals for yourself and earnestly work toward them.

These are things you can control. Love and romance — not so much. That’s what makes love and romance exciting, but that’s also what can make it stressful.

There are many things I am looking forward too this summer. Such as: creating a business plan for the first time, going to some street festivals, taking full advantage of my new apartment’s proximity to the beach, working on long-abandoned essays, traveling to see childhood friends, and overall, making the best of my last three months of being 25.

If a fling happens, it happens. But there’s no way I’ll let my summer fulfillment depend on who I’m with or not with between the sheets.

Happy summer everyone! Don’t forget, LOVE TV is here to help with advice on all of your summer romances and help you find love for the summer and forevermore. Join LOVE TV today!

Four Times My Emotional Intelligence Helped Me Make Smart Dating Decisions

October 26, 2018January 22, 2024 by Ola Faletiin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Because sometimes your IQ isn’t enough.

Dating in 2018 can be tricky territory. Between getting ghosted, fielding unsavory Tinder hookups, and a whole gamut of other things, it’s hard to remember how to date healthily. By dating healthily, I mean being open to building new relationships and meeting new people. I also mean knowing when to end a situation that won’t give you what you want.

Emotional intelligence is a buzzword these days. While I won’t call myself an emotional genius, I can think of ways that my emotional intelligence guided my decision-making in the dating realm.

1) Be a good judge of character

On Tinder I met this man, once. He had a beautifully bushy beard and was extremely attractive. On our first date we met at a bar in December, sitting near an open fire. We talked, but really, HE talked. A lot: about his daughter, about his Ph. D program, about his undergraduate experience, about his studies in Afrocentric thought. All that talking he did should’ve been a red flag. We met subsequently after and he literally charmed the pants off me. The physical intimacy was a stellar encounter that I replayed in my head for weeks. But something clicked the fourth time we met – this guy was a self-involved asshole. All he cared about was talking about his life and trying to prove me wrong at every turn. Trying to undermine my intelligence because I was, in his words, “a baby” (we had an eight-year age difference).

It’s easy to get caught up in good sex (“dickmatized” is one of my favorite words). But I do consider myself a solid judge of character, even if it takes a few dates. I read the tone of his voice when he was about to say something condescending. I read his barely-concealed sighs when I would retort with my own rebuttals. It was the body language of someone who didn’t take me seriously.

2) Have Self-Awareness

To be a good judge of character, one must know thyself. Which means knowing strengths, weaknesses, what you want and what you definitely don’t want. B was someone I went out with two years ago. He was a sweet and chivalrous type, always opening doors and insisting on paying when we went out. He treated me and my body with respect. The problem was that we had different ideas of how often we should see each other. Once every three-four weeks was enough for him. I could have gone out with him longer, had I been looking for a noncommittal situationship. With age, I’ve learned that I’m not a casual type of girl. And I hate gray area. That sealed my decision to end things at the three-month mark.

Being alone is better than settling for what you don’t want. Having a clear idea of who you are and the things you find important should always be at the forefront of your quest for romance.

3) Know when to apologize

The learning curve was big when I was in my first relationship. He was a friend first, one that I had intensely crushed on for months before mustering the courage to tell him my feelings. I thought that would be the hardest part. Nope. The hardest part was managing expectations. Even together, I felt like I was still pining for his attention. All I could think about was the attention he wouldn’t give me. I didn’t stop to think how he might feel until we talked things out (right before he dumped me, but it was useful nonetheless). He felt like I pressured him at times. “You just think about what you want, and not what I might want.”

A light bulb came on. He was right. I apologized for my lack of consideration. Our dating was new for him too; he had never gone out with a woman before. I think about that first relationship a lot, as brief as it was. Not being able to relinquish the ego holds you back from a lot of lessons.

4) Don’t Hold Grudges

Feeling like someone wronged you hurts. I get that. My summer 2017 wasn’t the best, partially because of an almost-romance gone sour. I say “almost-romance” because we weren’t dating per se, just two friends exploring what it was to be more than friends, living in the gray “friends with benefits” territory. The things that happened between us made me see him in a different light. I found him flaky, unreliable, and sending mixed messages left and right. The tipping point was when he abandoned me at a time I needed a friend the most.

It would be easy to resend him forever, to fall into a victim narrative of how he treated me badly. Of how much he sucks and how I’ll never trust him again. But a) that’s exhausting and b) serves no one. He was dealing with some personal turmoil, and nobody’s at their best when they’re trying to keep their head above water. I understand that. Most importantly, I understand how much lighter my soul is when I forgive him and move forward with my life.

The Best Books to Warm Up With This Holiday

December 11, 2018January 22, 2024 by Ola Faletiin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

If you think you need another body to stay warm, think again.

You never need an excuse to read, but if you do, winter is a whole season’s worth. The frigid temps and abundant snow, for some of us, stir up the need to get into a cozy nook with a good companion. Sometimes that companion is pages bound with a spine and covers. Need a book buddy this holiday? Here are some books that will awaken your senses and keep you warm, all on their own.

1. Like Water For Chocolate

is a rich marriage of food and love. Though adapted to a wildly successful film in 1992, the book holds its own merit. Tita is the youngest of three daughters, under a domineering mother in turn-of-the-century Mexico. When the love of Tita’s life marries her sister, Tita throws her passions into recipes for soups, cakes, and other foods that leave guests reeling with emotion. Tita’s touch in the kitchen is magical. Whether you’ve lost your first love, or still waiting for your first love, Laura Esquivel’s Like Water For Chocolate will certainly leave you steamy…and hungry! Curl up with a good, sharp cheese and a robust glass of red.

2. How Stella Got Her Groove Back

was also made into a box office success in the 1990s. The star of Terry McMillan’s novel is Stella, a successful, forty-something single mother in Marin County. Her big house feels empty while her son spends the summer with his father. On a whim, Stella books a trip to Montego Bay, promptly becoming enamored with a young local at working at her resort. Who happens to be half Stella’s age. How Stella Got Her Groove Back explores cougardom before it had a word. If images of tropical beaches and bright sun won’t warm you up, you can count on some heated love scenes (tastefully done, might I add.). Grab yourself some pineapple chunks for this one. Or hey, go for the whole pina colada.

3. Peel My Love Like An Onion

has summer written all through it, a welcome reprieve from winter. A disabled flamenco dancer reflects on her long-time love, an established, womanizing legend of the dance world. Carmen also welcomes a new love – her long-time lover’s nephew. Author Ana Castillo paints this love with the expected passion, along with compassion for her protagonist. You’ll be rooting for Carmen too, even as she does questionable things in the name for of love. Who among us hasn’t? Peel My Love Like An Onion is best enjoyed with some spicy hot chocolate. Maybe add a shot or two of Schnapps, if you really want to sink into it.

4. The Poet X

is an explosive read for anyone who remembers the intense yearning of adolescence. High schooler Xiomara butts heads with her religious mother, who seems to blame Xiomara for her fully-developed figure and the attention it draws. Xiomara builds a tough shield to defend herself against her mother, catcallers, and a world that’s often hostile for young girls. She finds solace in her school’s poetry club, penning her own verses. Xiomara also finds comfort in Aman, her love interest. She struggles to keep Aman and poetry club from her mother, but most things don’t stay secret for long. Written by Elizabeth Acevedo, a prominent slam poet, The Poet X is written in masterful verse. The Poet X would go well with your favorite forbidden fruit as a teen. Whether it’s beer or a Red Bull.

5. The Girls Guide to Hunting & Fishing

is a quintessential coming-of-age meets romance. Jane Rosenal spends her life feeling average. We see Jane as a daughter of a renowned surgeon, the little sister of a charming young brother, and later, a lowly editor at a big publishing house. Inferiority complexes follow Jane often, especially in her relationships. Readers follow Jane through her teens, twenties, and early thirties. This book was something of a revelation in the late 90s and early 2000s. While some parts are a tad dated, it still reads fresh today. I can relate to Jane’s search for self-fulfillment, both in her self and in the company of others. Enjoy The Girl’s Guide To Hunting and Fishing with something nostalgic and comforting. Or if you’re feeling like a girl’s night in, something light and bubbly.