Exclusive Archives - Page 8 of 15 - Love TV

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Inventive Moments to Have Sex When You Have a 6 Month Old

by Amy Albertin Sex

Here are my three favorite ideas I’ve gathered about how to get that nookie when your kids aren’t looking!

My husband and I have a six-month-old baby. We love the crap out of this kid. She’s delightful and hilarious and for all intents and purposes, a great baby. However, she is, and I feel no remorse in calling her this, the ultimate cock block.

As two working adult comedians it’s hard enough to find time for sex even without this beautiful bundle of distraction, but with a kid it’s almost impossible! I quickly discovered as I asked around to our other be-babied friends, that we were certainly not alone in this sexual conundrum. So here are my three favorite ideas I’ve gathered about how to get that bootie when your kids aren’t looking!

The first is what I like to call “nap time nookie”. This can get tricky as some parents, ourselves included, only have one bedroom which usually means throwing down on the couch (though my husband is 6’4”, so it’s not always comfortable), or as one hilarious parent referred to it, “12 minutes on the den sofa after they’ve gone down”. Sometimes this attempt can get dangerous if you’re trying to squeeze in a few moments to yourselves. You see babies, at least mine, are born with excellent timing. They can sense your unbridled, adult-time happiness so their eyes spring open and they start squealing for your attention, thinking “oh no Mommy, this is not the time to enjoy yourself, it’s time for you to sing to me and let me breast feed until your boobs look like two tube socks filled with sand!” Luckily I’m not alone in this experience, and as one mom revealed she and her husband decided to take advantage of nap time and even though their baby had awakened, they let the little one cry for a few minutes and try to fall back asleep on her own for a bit. This would’ve worked had their neighbor not heard the baby and burst into the apartment to let them know she was up! Thank you neighbor! We know! And also how the fuck did you get in here? Did you make a key for yourself? We’re moving for sure.

Anyway, the moral of this story is, when the kids go down, you can also.

Another tried and true method is utilizing the babysitter. I mean, you’re paying them so why not add a few moments onto your grocery run with hooking up in your car, or as another mommy friend of mine told me, doing their “taxes” in the garage office. Taxes can be complicated, what with all those deductions and donations and what-not, so this seems like something the sitter may have to stick around for a couple times this month. And next…actually, it turns out we’re filing late this year! Maybe we should pencil you in for a few times this week alone! This story also made me realize I now know the true meaning behind product “TurboTax”.

Finally, try referring to the letter of the day, which will always be S, as in Sesame Street. My baby is mesmerized by this magical show, which gives me and her dad approximately five minutes to go the bedroom and jump all over each other. It’s a very efficient five minutes indeed. Some parents may be against TV for their babies, but I justify it by telling myself Sesame Street is educational, adorable, teaches kindness, has fabulous musical numbers, and most importantly enough stimuli to distract even the most active six month old.

The point is, keeping the romance in your relationship can be challenging enough, but taking time, even a very productive five minutes, can keep your partnership strong and full of life!

How Breaking Bad Taught Me Self Love

by Robin Tranin LOVE

I realized that the way I viewed entertainment changed drastically after I discovered self-love. I’m glad I discovered self-love and now have the ability to allow myself to enjoy things.

Recently, I was watching Breaking Bad for the second time, and I was blown away by how much more immensely I enjoyed the show upon rewatching it. I viewed the characters with more well-roundedness and empathy than I originally had. Consequently, I realized that the way I viewed entertainment changed drastically after I discovered self-love.

My therapist told me that when you’re rewatching a TV show/movie or rereading a book, the way you feel about the work will largely depend on your state of mind and worldview at the time. When I was an overly negative person, I disliked everything–books, movies, video games–and always found a way to undercut an artist’s attempts to create content. In fact, if I saw any artist trying at all, I would scoff at them for actually caring about something.

In hindsight, since I was so full of self-hate, there was a subconscious part of me that wouldn’t allow myself to appreciate great art because I didn’t feel like I deserved to experience joy. I hated everything because I hated myself. I was depriving myself and didn’t even realize it.

I believe that the way we perceive fictional characters can actually reflect the way we view real-life. For instance, when I first watched Breaking Bad, I hated the protagonist’s wife, Skyler White. I disliked how she was always meddling in Walter White’s affairs when all he was trying to do was cook meth and commit murder to make money for his family. I hated how she would always complain about how her husband was putting their family in danger because I kept thinking, “He’s got it under control, leave him alone.” I couldn’t give her character any empathy because I had no empathy to give anybody.

On my second viewing, I see her as an extremely tragic and sympathetic character. The reason why she’s so resistant to her husband’s dealings is because he is constantly putting their family in grave danger. Several known murderers threaten to kill him and his entire family if he does not comply to their wishes. Even when he’s given opportunities to stop cooking meth, he refuses purely due to his own ego. Everything he says to his wife is a lie and she knows it, so on top of being a danger to her, he is insulting her intelligence.

Even though it’s just a TV show and the events are fictional, I feel fortunate that I’m now able to extrapolate real emotions and empathy from watching the program. I feel a deeper appreciation for the art, and I no longer dismiss a piece of work as “stupid” due to feeling internally miserable.

I also have very different tastes in comedy now. When I was angry and depressed and constantly lashing out on the world, I was a huge fan of shock jock radio where they would regularly spew out the most vitriolic hate they can for laughs. As a pastime, they would run down anybody they can with pure nastiness. They would make jokes about people’s miscarriages, would routinely spout racist ideas, and would encourage their listeners to engage in mean-spirited behavior with anybody who disagreed with their ways of expressing themselves.

The days of listening to that program as part of my lifestyle are long gone. There was a time in my life when I needed comedy to be that mean-spirited because it reflected the internal anger I felt, but I no longer admire pure nastiness in order to legitimately hurt people’s feelings. I still enjoy very dark comedy, especially comedy that illuminates, but that’s much different from seeking out to purposely destroy someone for a laugh.

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The Married Millennial – Are We Too Young?

by RJ Newellin LOVE

A mistake is only a failure if you don’t learn from it. Marriage and divorce shouldn’t be any different.

I got married at 21. By today’s standards, that makes me a unicorn.

When I show up with a new tattoo, nobody bats an eye. But the second I say I’m married? I might as well have joined a cult.

“How old are you, again?” my yoga teacher asked.

I answered honestly. “I’m 21.”

Her face must have gone through fifty shades of pity. “Are you sure?”

In our early twenties, we are expected to make adult decisions. Finishing college, choosing our careers, voting in elections – these are not tasks for children. As an adult, I’m allowed to make choices for myself. I’m allowed to make mistakes.

If we can smoke cigarettes in our twenties (risking cancer), own a credit card (and a lifetime of student loan debt), or joining the military (at 18, mind you) – why is marriage such a scary concept to us?

Traditional marriage goes against what many of us have come to know.

“How long have you been together? Because when I was in my twenties…”

This is a trick question. It doesn’t matter how long we have been together – her mind is made up that I am too young. Her conclusion is probably drawn from her own experiences at 21 – and that’s not a bad thing.

A year before, I would have agreed with her. I’ve had every reason to not believe in marriage. My experiences with long-term relationships began much younger than most, and nearly all of them ended in heartbreak. I know what it’s like to think you’ll spend forever with someone, only to leave – or be left. My own parents divorced. My friends’ parents divorced. I’ve been to more divorce dinners than actual weddings…and that’s because I don’t like weddings.

Before my husband came along, I swore off the possibility of long-term relationships completely. Monogamy was a lie. Marriage was an outdated system. Why would a strong, career-minded feminist like myself willingly give herself legally to another person?

I argued this point whenever marriage was mentioned. I questioning my friends’ life choices and cut my own relationships short when things got too serious. I was content to spend the rest of my life as a happily single woman. Now, here I am, with a ring on my finger.

Is it scary? Yes. Do I question my decision? No.

A mistake is only a failure if you don’t learn from it. Marriage and divorce shouldn’t be any different. I can’t predict the next ten, twenty, thirty years. But no matter how my life turns out, I will be grateful for having shared it with him.

Nobody can predict the future, and that’s what makes marriage so huge.

I know a couple that dated for ten years before getting married. They divorced after one year. I also know a couple that got married six months after they met. They’ve been married for thirty years, and counting.

There is no guarantee that any relationship will survive. Our generation has been raised to value reward over risk. We want results, now. To many of us, marriage just sounds like a really expensive mistake. It’s easier to live together and have children together, without the hassle of expensive paperwork.

“Why invest in a marriage when you can have all the perks without it?” asked basically everyone.

As soon as our engagement announcement went live on social media, my inbox overflowed with congratulations…and concern.

“Have you been with him long enough to be sure?”

“Does this mean you giving up your career?”

“Are you pregnant?”

“I know it’s not my business, but…”

Sixty years ago, getting married in your twenties was totally normal. But then again, more of us had stable jobs in those days. People weren’t as afraid of the future then as we are now.

Nobody knows where – or who – we’ll be in five, ten, or twenty years. For many, this is why being “tied down” to any one person is terrifying. But for some, this is all the more reason to commit to something – or someone.

We’ve now been married for one year. So far, so good. We know that marriage is hard work. And it’s more than likely that we won’t be the same people in ten years. That’s not a bad thing. It means we’re growing – and hopefully, we’ll grow together.

Maybe you are also in your twenties, and you were hoping this article might help you decide whether to get married or not. My question for you, is – why?

Do your life choices reflect what you want, or what other people want? This applies to everything, not just marriage. Self-sabotage occurs by comparing ourselves to others and waiting for outer validation.

When my lover got down on one knee, he didn’t say, “Hey, friends and family, should she marry me?”

And I didn’t say, “Hold on a second,” and then get out my phone to Google national divorce statistics.

He simply asked, “Will you marry me?”

And I said, “Yes.”

Marriage is a choice between two people, to be made every day for the rest of life. I feel ready, but that doesn’t mean you have to. Love is all that matters. Embrace the way it lives for you.

Are we TOO young?

How Do I Not Screw Up This Relationship!

by Carlyn Hudsonin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Let’s just say the last thing I envision saying to my future children about my 20s is, “Ya know, I should have dated more people and partied just a little harder.” 

I spent a lot of time in my early to mid-20s being single. I hung out with my girlfriends like it was my job, focused like crazy on my career, and generally, was selfish AF. I also did a bang-up job of dating people that were far from being right for me (an ex pro skateboarder turned corn maze owner, a divorced father of four, a Jimmy John’s bicycle delivery man and a gaggle of musicians come to mind). Let’s just say the last thing I envision saying to my future children about my 20s is, “Ya know, I should have dated more people and partied just a little harder.”

But something has changed in me in the past year. I shudder to admit this, as I used to be cool and detached (I promise!),  but I finally feel ready for something more. I want to know someone, deeply, and I want to fall so hard that I may not know how to pick up the pieces at the end.

Does that make you want to vomit a little? Okay good, me too.

Here’s the scariest part: I may have actually found a person worth all of that. The first few months of my new relationship have been nothing short of incredible, and for the first time in a really long while I can’t blame any issues on “he’s not right for me,” because I kind of think he is. So now, the biggest question is, how the hell do I not screw this up?

Every single day I’m afraid that I already am, because I always have in the past. I have an aching feeling that it’s too good to be true, that he’ll figure out I’m not as great as he thinks I am, the “real” (aka “bad”) me will come out and run him off, that he’ll realize I’m inherently bad at relationships, or worse, that I’m unlovable.

With that in mind, I did a pretty cool thing last night; I created a problem from nothing. I don’t mean to brag, but, this is an area in which I excel in relationships. I’m kind of amazing at it.

It went down like this. We were drifting off to sleep when I realized we were about to go to bed without having sex, a first for us, and instead of rationalizing that it was a long day, we were exhausted, and ya know, we’re humans and not rabbits, my mind went straight to “He thinks I’m ugly and terrible in bed and he’s already bored of me and OH GOD we’re doomed.”

Naturally, I said something passive agressive, he sensed something was wrong, and I completely shut down. I turned my back to him. I played the “nothing’s wrong, I’m fine” game and pouted quietly until all of sudden I realized what I was doing, and I felt terrible.

Then, a miracle happened. Instead of quietly wallowing in self-loathing, I opened up, and I talked to him. I told him how in past relationships I’d felt rejected in this way and was nervous it’d happen again. I said out loud all of the crazy things in my head, like how I push people away when they get too close, or shut people out when I feel vulnerable, and finally the big one: I’m frightened that I inevitably will or already have screwed this amazing relationship up.

But guess what? Another amazing thing happened. I didn’t scare him away. In fact, he said he felt the same and that he was terrified of ruining everything too.

I hugged him, giddily, and realized in that moment that we’re in this together, and that THIS is how you communicate with a partner. My Goddess! Why had no one told me this before?! You talk these things through *in* the moment, before you’re already distant, or breaking up, and it’s too late.

I know that we still have a long way to go. I have a great deal to learn about being a partner, and communicating, and some long-term relationship veterans may be thinking “But you’re still in the honeymoon phase! Of course it’s going well!” To which I’d say, “That’s right, suckers! It’s awesome.” Trust me, over the course of writing this I’ve already thought of 10 new and innovative ways to push him away, or convince him to run far, far away from me. But there’s one thing I’ve promised this man, and that I’ve made him promise me: If we’re going to screw this up, let it be over something real, and not from being scared.

I’ve spent so much of my adult life building up walls and protecting my heart, and for what? So that I can feel in control? So that I won’t get hurt? Sadly, the only person I’ve hurt in that process is me. I don’t want to hide behind my own bullshit anymore. I want to fall, hard. I want to love, and allow myself to be loved by this person so deeply that no matter what happens, I’ll be forever changed. And you know what? I’m ready.

The Orgasm Code

by Riley Silvermanin Sex

I had an actual physical barrier that was keeping me from a climax! I had to investigate this.

There’s a picture of myself that I posted on my Facebook and Instagram about a month or two ago, where I’m holding my hand in front of my mouth and blushing. At the time I posted it, I said there was a sexy secret behind the look on my face. And here that story is, I was buying a vibrator for the first time in my life, and being the intense prude that I am, I was blushing my way through asking some other ladies for advice on what to buy, and a friend of mine demanded I take a selfie immediately. This is that selfie:

selfie

So here’s the thing. I am definitely a prude. When it comes to sex and talking about sex or masturbation even, personally I get very uncomfortable, flustered, and a little giggly. I used to think this was just part of who I am. Some people are more comfortable talking about some subjects than others, and this is one where I struggle a bit. But the truth is, like most things, it never is that simple. Because something happened to me recently that made me realize that I have been utterly clueless about sex and what it means to me for pretty much my entire life. Something that changed everything.

I had an orgasm.

I’m 34 years old and for the first time in my life, I have had real honest to God, bones shaking, earth shattering, throw a pillow over my face to muffle the noise so I don’t disturb the neighbors orgasm. This is a really big deal for me, because it’s something that I honestly never even realized was even missing from my life because I just took it for granted that it wasn’t going to be part of it.

It’s hard to say this next line without sounding like a lying character in an American Pie movie, but I totally have had sex, like quite a few times actually. And for lack of a more delicate term, the process was completed. But there was never any more to it than that. No intense feeling of pleasure, nothing that could really be called a climax, at least not mentally. Just a physical response to some stimulation. When I would be with a partner, the intimacy would turn me on, but often I would almost be disappointed when the action moved from intense makeout sessions into the act itself because the part that I was really enjoying would be ending and soon it would all be over.

It wasn’t that I wasn’t interested in sex, I was. I would pursue and sometimes date women, I would be interested and attracted to them, turned on by them. Despite this, I developed a bit of a sexual hangup, a dysfunction in my late twenties. It wasn’t that I had trouble starting, it was that I had trouble finishing. I’d tell myself that it wasn’t that big of a deal, even tried to spin it positively in my mind. If things remained in action mode it would be a perk for her, right? Of course that’s not the case because nothing kills the mood like an inherent sense that something is wrong.

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Call the Wedding Planner! Six Global Wedding Traditions You Must Add to Your Big Day

by Maria Shehatain LOVE

You’ve fantasized about that person, imagined yourself standing next to them at the altar, leaning in to kiss them. In Sweden, you’re allowed to play out that fantasy.

You did it, you’re finally getting married! You’ve finally found someone you’re on the same page with. No more overanalyzing, they ARE that into you. You’ve dreamt about this moment your whole life, or possibly only really thought about it in the last month. Either way, wearing white, tossing the bouquet, and smearing wedding cake all over your partner’s nose are great ways to bore everyone else to tears. Sure your parents would love a traditional wedding, but these ARE traditions, just not your own…yet. Here are six wedding traditions that will make your guests actually want to come to your wedding.

1. Norwegian Surprise –

Norwegian Wedding Cake

Cake? Yes please. Wine? Definitely. Cake with a bottle of wine in it? Norway, you geniuses. Norwegian wedding cake known as Kransekake, is a cone shaped cake with a series of layers of cake rings piled on top of each other. The bride and groom are meant to lift the top ring, and however many rings stick to the top of it is how many children the couple will have and yada yada yada, there’s wine in the middle! Eat your way to your drink, and enjoy!

2. Chinese Runway –

red chinese wedding dress

You spend hours, months, years searching for the perfect dress and quite frankly, one isn’t enough. In China, they know that. Three different dresses make their way into this day, first comes the traditional qipao, then comes a western style wedding gown, and then comes a ball gown. A ball gown, just like the fairy tale princess you always knew you were. You’ve exercised for months, your hair and make up are on point, your tan is real, and there’s a photographer following you around everywhere you go. Why would you only wear one dress? Pick a few good looks, practice your one-knee-out standing pose, and walk down that runway, I mean aisle, in your favorite style.

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Tokyo and the Death of Sexy

by Virginia Jonesin Sex

…polls report that many Japanese people don’t want to have more sex- 1 in 5 men cite extreme dislike for sex, and 46% of Japanese women 16-24 want no sexual contact at all.

To the outside world, Japan is known for being sexy and even a little kinky. The women of Japan are considered some of the world’s most beautiful, and it’s the home of crazy Harajuku street fashion, host bars, and Hentai anime pornography. However, 25% of Japanese men are still virgins at 30, so many that a new word has emerged for them- yaramiso, which means “30 years old and haven’t done it”, because if there’s anything the Japanese believe in, it’s being on the nose with slang. Even men with prior sexual experience aren’t having much sex- 50% of Japanese men who’ve had sex before haven’t had it in a year or more. Women’s numbers aren’t far behind.

This has deep repercussions throughout society, with the population dropping by 1 million people since 2008 and raising concerns about society’s ability to support their aging population.

And what seems stranger to us might be that for the most part, polls report that many Japanese people don’t want to have more sex- 1 in 5 men cite extreme dislike for sex, and 46% of Japanese women 16-24 want no sexual contact at all.

It’s worth pointing out that Japan also has the third-highest suicide rate in the world, with 100 people taking their lives each day.

So- what’s killing the Japanese sex drive?

1. Money.

Reports are that in the money-flush 80’s and early 90’s, there was plenty of dating and premarital sex, but the economy took a sharp downturn in 1995 and that changed. How does that affect getting it on? When young people can’t afford to live on their own, sharing a small apartment with your parents can really put a damper on your dating life. In Tokyo, most teens don’t even have cars to make out in! Chew on that, America! This means that courting couples must visit love hotels, hourly hotels of varying levels of cleanliness and quality, just to have somewhere to be alone.

2. Social Shame.

Men whose careers don’t produce enough money to raise a family are shamed and emasculated, even as being single is normalized in Tokyo, with single-serving meals and single tables at restaurants everywhere. The Japanese also have a cultural fear of failure, and would sometimes prefer not to try to pursue relationships for fear that they won’t work out or they’ll be rejected.

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I’m a Unicorn… I Date Couples

by Lisa Lauretain LOVE

I like to call myself a sexual socialist, meaning that everyone must have equal fun otherwise, I just can’t have a good time.

I’m what’s referred to in the dating world as a “unicorn.” My boyfriend is the male version of this, and because there’s not really a phrase for the male version, I came up with one. I call him a “Centaur.” You’re welcome. Unicorn was a term that originally came with a bit of a negative connotation. It was meant to mean someone who basically catered to the whims of a couple without expecting anything in return. While that can be one aspect of being a unicorn, I like to think the term has evolved a bit since its inception. Basically, I take it to mean someone who is into pretty much anything sexually without becoming emotionally involved. Because females who possess these qualities are so rare, they are thought of to be unicorns. I wear the Unicorn term proudly, though I think it’s a bit of an innocent-sounding moniker for something that basically means, “big ol’ slut.”

As a Unicorn, a large part of my intimate life includes dating couples. Dating a couple can be tricky territory, but it just so happens to be one of my favorite hobbies. I’ve been doing it for a while now and I’ve come to find there are some helpful hints that I have for beginners as well as those questioning whether or not it’s right for them. Here’s what I’ve found in my journey thus far.

First, let me start off by saying that this is not Polyamory. Polyamory involves emotion as well as a physical connection. I’m all about the physical! I currently have a partner who fulfills most of my needs, particularly my emotional ones, however, he has a penis, which leaves my sexual needs a bit unfulfilled. I’m about 45% lesbian, am super into transgendered folks, and I also like more than one partner quite often in the boudoir. He’s only one man with one penis, which is great because anything else might be overwhelming and could even get strange, however, we both know I need more, and he needs more too. This, so far, has been a perfect arrangement for the two of us because we have the freedom to fool around with whomever we want, and often for me that means couples!

Let’s see, how to describe dating a couple…well…it’s like being the fun aunt (stay with me on this one). When you come into a couple arrangement, you get the best parts of the relationship without all the drama and emotional involvement. You also get to have sex with at least two people at the same time! Cha ching!

The first trick is how to find a couple? Approaching one person is tough enough; can you imagine being rejected by two people at once?

“Hey, you’re pretty cute. Wait, why is your girlfriend mad at me?
No, I want both of you! Why are you walking away?!”

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Make Mine a Make Out

by Virginia Jonesin Sex

Look, almost everyone likes sex.  Presidents and college students and married people all like it  and think it’s great.  But whatever happened to just making out?

In the beginning, there was kissing.  Lots and lots of sweet, hot, open-mouthed kissing.  And it was good.  We’d walk around in a daze after hours of it.  And then we moved to second base.  And lo, it was also pretty good.  Bras were stuffed under couches, not to be seen again until moving day.  Slowly, a bunch of kids who knew next to nothing about baseball moved towards a home run- and many of us never looked back.

Look, almost everyone likes sex.  Presidents and college students and married people all like it  and think it’s great.  But whatever happened to just making out?  You know, getting hot and heavy, kissing until your mouth is all tingly and puffy, feeling hands inching ever closer towards the edge of your bra- it’s fun and super hot!

Kissing Feels Great:

Kissing reduces cortisol, a stress chemical in the body.  Fifteen minutes of kissing measurably reduces levels of cortisol in academic laboratory make-out tests.  Kissing and making out releases all kinds of feel-good chemicals and hormones, including oxytocin, the love drug.  That makes making out a natural painkiller, and it also bonds you to a new person or an established partner.  Men like kissing because it’s a way to introduce more testosterone into women’s systems, which makes sex even sexier.  Women like kissing men because it’s a way to assess their appropriateness as a biological mate.   We’re usually looking for people whose genetic makeup is dissimilar to one’s own, which makes for stronger offspring.  Kissing and pheromones transfer a lot of that information about another person- unfortunately, kissing can’t help determine whether one still uses a skateboard as their main mode of transportation.

Kissing is Intense:

Kissing is done with one’s eyes closed, not just because it’s a social norm, but because kissing provides so much great information and stimulation it’s better to cut down on visual stimuli- also, because while you’re kissing, your partner probably looks like they have one big eye in the middle of their forehead.

It’s Low Risk:

For single people, kissing and making out packs a lot of the same heart-stopping thrills as sex, but without the downsides of one-time hookups- there’s virtually no STD or pregnancy scares, and it’s not as embarrassing to run into someone you made out with once at the Trader Joe’s.  If you’ve just started seeing someone, think about making out a time or two before you start having sex- you’ll be more comfortable with each other and probably have even more fun building intimacy and looking forward to the main course.

It Makes Sex Hotter:

For couples, making out makes sex hotter- building anticipation and just having fun with each other.  Try making rules- set a ten minute timer that’s only for kissing, then another timer that’s only for touching each other, and so on- by the time you get to sex you’ll be completely bonkers and have a wonderful time!

It’s Portable:

Making out can be done with your clothes on, or mostly on, so you can do it in a car or in a gazebo, in a movie theater or methadone clinic, or lots of places it wouldn’t be that great to have sex.  It’s not polite to do in a Denny’s, but many have.

In closing, the next time you’re with someone you’re into, consider making more out of making out!

Moving in With Your Significant Other: For Love or for Money?

by Julia Solomonin LOVE

Finances aside, how do you know when it’s the right time? Is there even a right time?

8.4 million people live in New York City. Out of those 8.4 million people, approximately 15 can actually afford to live here. It’s no news that the rent here is out of control. You’ll often hear about gentrification and the rising prices of rent throughout neighborhoods. I assume everyone else starts sobbing after they pay their rent just like I did last month. Yes, living here is expensive. Aside from rent, nearly everything else is somewhat unaffordable. There’s only a gazillion articles about how the cost of living can take a toll on your bank account. But what about your relationship?

Legitimate Reasons to Move In

There are many milestones within a relationship. Of course, there’s “the talk”, where you decide whether or not it’s exclusive. There’s exchanging “I love you’s” and last but not least, shacking up. Before moving to NYC, I always assumed moving in with your significant other meant that you were looking to take things to the next level, really cement the fact that you are ready to commit to someone or you just couldn’t fathom the idea of not sharing a bed every single night. Those may be some of the reasons couples decide to take that next step, but here’s another one to add to the list : SAVING CASH MONEY. I have seen couples move in together faster than the speed of light all in the name of lower rent! And love. But also lower rent. This city is so incredibly expensive that at the end of the day, if you’re spending the majority of your time with that special someone, it might not be worth coughing up the cash each month for your own place. It’s more out of convenience, not necessarily romance. That’s not to say it can’t be both, which is what I’m currently struggling with.

Anxiety and Decision Making

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over two and a half years. I’m extremely happy with him, but there have been a lot of issues I’ve had to come to terms with when it came to really getting serious with someone. I’m not a commitment phobe, but I have baggage like anyone else. There’s not one single part of me that doesn’t want to be with him, but there is a neurotic part of me that thinks the longer we date, the worse it will be if we do ever break up, and then I run into a state of panic trying to avoid a break up that neither of us were even contemplating in the first place! Being an anxious person is a full time job (one that doesn’t pay). So, thinking about moving in together isn’t just a casual decision for me. It brings on anxiety and then some. It’s also really exciting.

Decorating and Upgrading the Bedset

Allow me to fantasize for a moment. It’s fun to think about how we would decorate our room, how it would be extremely luxurious to upgrade to a queen size bed, how I would be spending two hundred dollars less on rent each month if he moved in. I won’t lie, I’ve been online window shopping the duvets on anthropologie.com for quite some time. With the money I would save on rent, my dreams of owning a complete bed set from Anthropologie could become a reality. These are the little things, obviously, but things nonetheless that I’ve thought about.

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I Haven’t Lost My Virginity

by RJ Newellin Sex

When one person “loses” while another one “takes,” is it any surprise why so many of us feel shame years after that disappointing first time? 

It’s awkward to think about the first time. Some people are lucky enough to have become sexually active in a pleasurable way, but I didn’t. And I know I’m not alone. Most of us don’t talk about it, and a lot of us try not to think about it, either. But when my mind wanders back in time, why do I feel so ashamed?

It was consensual, I will say that. But saying “yes” to sex often means accepting what comes with it – whether it’s good, or bad.

It’s true that the way you lose your virginity can become the initial blueprint for a lot of sexual experiences afterwards. Emotional scars may resurface years later in the form of shame, blame, and fear. Both men and women blush when recalling that uncomfortable first time. It was the best of times, or (more likely) the worst.

It’s been nearly a decade since my first sexual experience. I’ve matured a lot, since then. You’d think I’d have moved on by now, and I thought I had. But sometimes, in vulnerable moments, I find myself still mourning that younger version of me.

  1. Did I “give it up” too soon?
  2. Have I truly lost my innocence?
  3. Or am I subscribing to an outdated rule that keeps women (and men) from owning themselves?

….I’m going with number 3. Here’s why.

“Virgin,” is a word usually used to describe someone who has not yet had sex. But according to the dictionary, virgin also means “not yet touched, used, or exploited.” As a young girl, I was told to “save it” for marriage. I was led to believe that if I had sex, I would be losing my innocence. As a girl, I was supposed to be a delicate flower, whose value diminished with the opening of her petals.

To “lose my virginity,” (in this old way of thinking) meant that I was giving my body to a man solely for his pleasure. “Losing it” meant that I would be used up, damaged, and degraded. My partner would be “taking” my virginity, and in essence, stealing my worth.

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How an Open Relationship Can Possibly Work

by Lisa Lauretain RELATIONSHIPS

None of this is meant to be a guide for you personally, although take it as such if you find it to be useful.

My current partner and I got into our relationship very soon after we had both ended monogamous relationships. I met him a week to the day after my previous partner had moved out of our apartment, and he was ten months out of a marriage. Needless to say we weren’t interested in striking up anything super serious. However, after a while, we ended up falling pretty hard for each other and realized that we were in fact, accidental or not, a “couple.” This struck a chord of panic in both of us. How were we going to hang on to our freedom if we jump back into being in love? But we have managed to keep that freedom alive and well to this very day. This fact gets a log of questions from a lot of people, mostly: how is a couple a couple if they’re to remain free?

I had been dating many couples and individuals that were parts of couples in my post-breakup escapades, and realized that it just might be a perfect set up for someone like me. Every monogamous relationship I’d been in had ended because of my wanderlust. There were other issues, of course, but the curiosity of what I might be missing was the consistent straw that broke the camel’s back; every camel, every time. So after a bit of discussion, my partner, we’ll call him “Aaron,” and I decided that if we were a couple, we would remain “open.” We would make no promises of commitment, as neither one of us had ever been a fan of such concepts, and we would be free to date whoever, whenever. Now that we’ve been together for over a year, some rules have come into play, but we retain our general freedom. For us, it works, and it works great. But it’s not for everyone. Here are some of the reasons that I think we’ve had success.

  • We are communicative. Like, overly so. I’m not just talking, “how was your day, dear?” I mean we spell things out crystal clear and try to do so before a problem can even arise. He was a counselor for about fifteen years and I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was eight. We know how to talk. We even go so far as letting each other see our threads, be they in Tinder, Kik or texts. If he’s going on a date, I know with whom, what they look like, where they’re going, and anything else I might be curious about. Now this is optional. There are times I don’t want to see what he’s been texting with people, or know what they look like. For some reason this is especially true when he’s going out with a straight girl. I think because if there’s no chance of my involvement, I just lose interest. However the where and when is not optional. This is a safety concern, as everyone should check in with someone who cares about them before they meet with a perfect stranger. Rather than me letting a girlfriend or my mom know, I tell my partner. That way if I disappear, he can at least lead the cops to the person’s Tinder account.
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How to Maintain Your Independence Within a Relationship

by Robin Tranin RELATIONSHIPS

While my partner was living her own life, I was living only for her, and when she’d come home from work, I’d excitedly greet her like a lost puppy.

There’s been a common theme in all my relationships.  Every time I’ve been overly codependent, it has always signified that I’m feeling insecure about how lovable I am.

There’ve been instances when I’d dedicate most of my life figuring out how to make my partner happy, and I’d inevitably lose my own identity in the process.  This isn’t to say that affection is a bad thing or that one shouldn’t strive to make their partner happy; but when somebody else becomes the majority of your life, that’s when problems arise.

Ever since I’ve learned how to be happy on my own, my relationships have flourished.  This doesn’t mean that I’m perfect.  There are still times when I become very insecure and needy, but those situations have decreased significantly over time.

Here are some benefits of having independence within a relationship.

  1. Less Pressure on Your Partner

During a very codependent phase of my life, I realized that my hobbies all somehow involved my partner.  My hobbies were hanging out with her, cooking for her, and trying to make her happy.

This is when I realized a very important lesson in life: nobody wants to be your hobby.

While my partner was living her own life, I was living only for her, and when she’d come home from work, I’d excitedly greet her like a lost puppy.  While acting this way occasionally can be very sweet, doing it every day became overwhelming.

She wanted me to live my own life and encouraged me to reestablish old friendships because she felt way too much pressure being someone else’s whole world. Knowing that you are someone else’s everything is a huge responsibility, because in some ways, you’re making them feel like your moods are completely dependent on them.

By figuring out how to be happy on your own, you take that pressure off of your partner because they don’t have to constantly worry about whether or not you’re happy.

They can continue living their own lives without feeling stressed out about your well-being.

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Who is Using Who for Sex?

by RJ Newellin RELATIONSHIPS

We’ve all been there, or known someone who has.

Why do smart, compassionate, beautiful women find themselves pining after emotionally unavailable men?

For a while, I was the one my girlfriends always went to when they needed to vent about that one guy who never called them back. I’ve been texted at all hours with excited declarations like “he wants me to come over to watch a movie. It’s 2 am, but still!” And then, there’s the inevitable anguish when “he” doesn’t want a relationship. 

I’ve heard all the stories. I know all the details. Year after year, it’s the same. And it’s heartbreaking. I know too many women who are being used for sex – and none of them are willing to admit it, until it’s too late.

It’s been said to ‘never take advice from some you wouldn’t want to trade places with.’ I’m not an expert, by any means. I am not some magical relationship fairy, who’s never made a bad decision. I have been in this situation myself, but it took me years after the fact to finally look back and admit it. If you want advice on learning how to see through manipulation before it’s too late, read on. The tips I’m about to share with you came from years of my own mistakes, and from watching my friends fall into the same traps year after year.

If a woman is looking for a relationship, why would anyone think it’s okay to manipulate her? Why do one-sided relationships drag on for months and months, until someone’s self-worth has been suffocated? 

The honest answer: We may walk into these bad situations on accident, but we stay there on purpose.

Look, we live in the 21st Century. Mutual, no-strings attached, casual intercourse is totally okay. It’s also just fine for two people to start out on the same page, and change their minds later. You are entitled to end a relationship how and when you wish, and so is he. Everyone has the right to choose. But it is wrong to make the conscious decision to manipulate, coerce, or string someone along just for sex.

Men are not the only guilty parties here. Women use men for sex, as well. But for the purposes of this article, I’m taking aim at the most common scenario. Whether you are male or female, it is important to protect your heart and recognize your needs. Here’s how.

  1. Ask yourself: What are my needs?

    An emotionally healthy relationship requires having conversations that don’t always lead to sex. It requires two people who are there for each other, whether sex is a factor or not. Do you wish he’d take you out on dates? Are you hoping he’ll introduce you to his friends and family? Would you be happier if he shared more with you than just his body? All of us have needs, and you should take the time to define them for yourself.

  2. Make your needs clear before sex is even brought up in conversation.

    Millennials live in a social media-driven culture where we almost “compete” to see who is less attached and more “chill.” I’d go into the reasons behind this, but that’s a topic for another day. My point here is this: Once upon a time, it was completely normal to say “I’m interested in a relationship with you, and would love to take you out on a date.” Now, the boundaries between friendship, casual sex, and dating are a lot less clear. While it’s totally fine to want a casual relationship for sex, it’s not okay to pursue one with someone who wants more than that. If you’ve been burned in the past, recognize that every day is a new opportunity to change the pattern. You’re the captain of your own ship. Your well-being should not be left up to another person. Avoiding manipulation requires YOU making your intentions clear from the start.

  3. Recognize red flags.

    If he’s always unavailable on weekends, but he’ll call you at 11 pm on a Wednesday night to “hang out,” that’s a red flag. If you’ve made it clear you want a relationship, but he keeps ignoring the issue, that’s a red flag. If you’ve never meet his friends (or you’re introduced as merely his ‘friend’ if you do), that’s a red flag. If he goes days without answering your texts (unless it’s to set up a cozy Netflix and chill session), that’s a red flag. If he tells you that he’s not looking for anything serious…that’s THE sign it’s not happening.

…Do you see where I’m going with this?

  1. Be honest with yourself.

    All too often, we diminish our feelings to suit the person we’re hoping to impress. I know it can be difficult to assess the situation amid the endless butterflies and infatuated thoughts. But if you really examine the situation, it’s often pretty obvious when a guy is not down for commitment.

  2. The only person you can change is you. 

    At this point, you may be thinking, “I’ll be the one to change his mind!” But I am here to tell you that it doesn’t work that way. If he changes his mind for you, it won’t be because you let him sleep with you, allowed him to repeatedly ignore you, and pretended that you don’t have needs. You deserve love and respect. And this requires loving and respecting yourself. If you want a relationship, and it’s clear that he doesn’t… your friend should find a new sex buddy and you should look for commitment elsewhere.

So – are you setting yourself up for heartbreak? Most of us already have the answers, we’re just too afraid to see them. No amount of calling your girlfriends, reading advice articles, or scrolling through his Instagram will give you the validation you need. You deserve to be honest with yourself, and to find a partner who is honest, too.

How Do I Continue to Not Screw Up this Relationship

by Carlyn Hudsonin RELATIONSHIPS

I have some bad news; I’m still dangerously close to screwing up my relationship. 

I have some bad news; I’m still dangerously close to screwing up my relationship. You assumed everything would magically get easier as time went on too, right? That once you found the right person, all the bullshit you used to pull in other relationships would also disappear, right? Cool, yeah, me too, me too.

Putting Up Walls

Over the past month, I’ve been performing a fun little song and dance I like to call “putting up the walls.” At first I thought I was doing a bang-up job of hiding this fact, but it turns out I’m not such a good actress. As predicted, I wasted 80k on NYU drama school because my boyfriend can see right through that shit.

At this point I’ve invented fun, inventive ways of pushing him way, like making unwarranted comments on his haircut “mmm…I think they took too much off the top,” or suddenly believing in Astrology, “I’m just saying since you’re a water sign and I’m a fire sign, sometimes you can be a downer, by putting out my fire.” Unsurprisingly, he’s not too fond of these comments and we’ve had to address where the f*** they’re coming from.

My Therapist

Enter my therapist. Let’s call her Elaine, because, let’s be honest, is there a better name for a therapist? I think not. Elaine is the name of a dignified, educated woman in Eileen Fisher, zany glasses, and a penchant for NPR’s “All Things Considered.” She is definitely who you want to be your therapist, and I implore each of you to get your own Elaine.

Elaine and I have discovered a few interesting qualities about myself that makes it difficult for me to be in a long-term relationship, the first being, I have control issues. In work, as a director, this serves me very well. In relationships, not so much.

In the beginning, it was adorable! I mean, who doesn’t love a strong, assertive woman? (The answer to that is: many men. Please avoid them.) I remember grocery-shopping with my boyfriend in the first month when I asked his preference on which variety of cheddar to purchase. He let out a gentle chuckle.

“What’s so funny?” I asked.

“Well, it’s just that, you’re only asking me as a formality when we both know you know  exactly which one you want and will buy it regardless of my opinion.”

See: how cute is that?!

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