The Perils of Sexy Talk

by Julia Solomon

I love sexy talk. Only during sex, otherwise it’s rude. It’s not even so much that I like it, but that I prefer it to the sound of silence while bodies slap together and bed coils squeak. It helps me concentrate. It doesn’t get me hot and bothered, it just allows me to get a little bit out of my head (which is the worst place to be when you’re trying to relax and let an orgasm happen). It’s totally understandable why some people are a little hesitant to try kinky talking. It’s so easy to feel embarrassed because you’re putting yourself in a vulnerable position. Sex is already a very intimate activity, but adding conversation to it, you’re raising the stakes. Both parties could already be concerned about whether or not they’re doing the right “moves”, and now you might worry about whether or not you’re saying the right things. I think the key is confidence and commitment. It’s important to say things confidently. It kind of reminds me of being in class in high school (don’t worry, it’s not going there) and you hesitantly answer a question that the teacher has asked you. You’re not sure you’re right, so your pitch gets higher towards the end of the sentence. The teacher always says the same thing, “Are you asking me or are you telling me?” Then you feel dumb, because they’re kind of calling your bluff. You’re afraid to say the wrong answer. Here’s a fun example:

Teacher: Who is Justin Timberlake’s wife?

Student: Jessica Biel?

Teacher: Are you asking me or are you telling me?

Student: Jessica Biel. His wife is Jessica Biel. I have no fear. I am woman, hear me roar.

I’m not really sure what class this conversation would take place in, but I hope you get the gist by now. Just commit, and say it confidently, you have nothing to fear. You’re both in this together, you stepping up will make the other person feel more comfortable, which is important, because now the person has nothing to worry about. You went for it, now they can reciprocate. I’ve had mostly pleasant experiences while using sexy talk in the bedroom, but when you don’t know someone really well, things can get weird. You don’t know each others’ boundaries and you could end up saying something the other person is not comfortable with. Or, something they’re just not used to, which can make for an…interesting experience, to say the least.

There have been some instances in my life where certain things were said in the bedroom that not only put me back into my head entirely, but also, made it very hard for me to contain my laughter. When I first moved to New York City, I was very anxious to get laid. So, when a guy invited me back to his place late at night, I went with it. He wasn’t a complete stranger, but I didn’t know him very well, either. I wanted to have fun. I didn’t particularly like this guy so I wasn’t interested in feigning any sort of romance. I just wanted to have sex, and hopefully have an orgasm while doing so. That did not happen, mainly because of some pretty silly things he said to me. If you use any of these terms during sex, there’s nothing to be ashamed of, it just wasn’t my cup of tea. I’m going to share a couple of them with you. Please note, I was not offended nor did I feel violated by anything he said that night — the end result was mostly confusion, laughter, and a general questioning of what I was doing with my life.

While we were having sex, I encouraged the kinky talk at first, which is probably why he felt comfortable asking “Yeah, are you my little sex slave?” Fortunately, I was not facing him at the time when he said this, because I started smiling and holding back laughter immediately (thank you, doggy style). Wait, did he seriously just say that? This is hilarious. I can’t take this seriously. That was all I could think. Then started the imagery. The term “sex slave” brings to mind women tied up in chains, in Egypt or something, where the only thing they’re allowed to do is have sex with the Pharaoh or feed him grapes. But, I’ll try anything once — I went with it, and felt like an idiot. This was just so out of my ball park, I couldn’t handle it. I was used to stuff along the lines of “oh yeah, does that feel good?” or.. you know what, one example is enough. The point is, it was pretty tame compared to what this man preferred.

The first thing that weirded me out wasn’t necessarily an unusual request. He kept asking me to say his name. But, it was a weird name. By weird, I mean, the least sexy name in the world. I won’t reveal it, so I’m going to use the name Harold. Imagine saying “Oh yeah, give it to me, Harold! Harder, YES! YES, HAROLD!” It sounds awful. Also, we were in a 4-bedroom loft. Were his roommates used to stuff like this? When they hear women screaming for Harold, do they just think, “Oh, Harry! That dirty old dog!” or are they more like “I can’t wait to get a one bedroom apartment.” Why do guys want you to yell their name? Maybe it’s a watching-too-much-porn thing, maybe it makes them feel powerful. My theory? Perhaps a little bit of narcissism, like they want to know they’re the best or they need to be reassured that “Yeah, this girl wants it, and not just in general, specifically from me!”

He told me I was more than welcome to stay the night, and I politely declined. I instead opted to take a cab from Brooklyn to Harlem, which is not cheap. As expensive as it was, it was completely worth it. I got into the cab and laughed all the way back to Harlem until I had to pay the fare. This guy was super nice and sweet outside of the bedroom, so what was the deal? You can never really assume what someone is like in the sack. As the saying goes, “Never judge a sexual partner based on their behavior in public and/or in front of others.” Yes, it was a weird experience, but it would have been a lot weirder had he not been confidently saying those things. I can’t think of anything funnier than a guy hesitantly asking me to be his sex slave. Go big, or go home. He went big, I went home.

Moving in With Your Significant Other: For Love or for Money?

Finances aside, how do you know when it’s the right time? Is there even a right time?

8.4 million people live in New York City. Out of those 8.4 million people, approximately 15 can actually afford to live here. It’s no news that the rent here is out of control. You’ll often hear about gentrification and the rising prices of rent throughout neighborhoods. I assume everyone else starts sobbing after they pay their rent just like I did last month. Yes, living here is expensive. Aside from rent, nearly everything else is somewhat unaffordable. There’s only a gazillion articles about how the cost of living can take a toll on your bank account. But what about your relationship?

Legitimate Reasons to Move In

There are many milestones within a relationship. Of course, there’s “the talk”, where you decide whether or not it’s exclusive. There’s exchanging “I love you’s” and last but not least, shacking up. Before moving to NYC, I always assumed moving in with your significant other meant that you were looking to take things to the next level, really cement the fact that you are ready to commit to someone or you just couldn’t fathom the idea of not sharing a bed every single night. Those may be some of the reasons couples decide to take that next step, but here’s another one to add to the list : SAVING CASH MONEY. I have seen couples move in together faster than the speed of light all in the name of lower rent! And love. But also lower rent. This city is so incredibly expensive that at the end of the day, if you’re spending the majority of your time with that special someone, it might not be worth coughing up the cash each month for your own place. It’s more out of convenience, not necessarily romance. That’s not to say it can’t be both, which is what I’m currently struggling with.

Anxiety and Decision Making

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over two and a half years. I’m extremely happy with him, but there have been a lot of issues I’ve had to come to terms with when it came to really getting serious with someone. I’m not a commitment phobe, but I have baggage like anyone else. There’s not one single part of me that doesn’t want to be with him, but there is a neurotic part of me that thinks the longer we date, the worse it will be if we do ever break up, and then I run into a state of panic trying to avoid a break up that neither of us were even contemplating in the first place! Being an anxious person is a full time job (one that doesn’t pay). So, thinking about moving in together isn’t just a casual decision for me. It brings on anxiety and then some. It’s also really exciting.

Decorating and Upgrading the Bedset

Allow me to fantasize for a moment. It’s fun to think about how we would decorate our room, how it would be extremely luxurious to upgrade to a queen size bed, how I would be spending two hundred dollars less on rent each month if he moved in. I won’t lie, I’ve been online window shopping the duvets on for quite some time. With the money I would save on rent, my dreams of owning a complete bed set from Anthropologie could become a reality. These are the little things, obviously, but things nonetheless that I’ve thought about.

Gwyneth Gets Sexy

The internet blessed us this month when Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle site debuted their first issue on sex. The site usually focuses on organic recipes and beauty products, spritual advice as well as health and wellness. I was a little hesitant to take any of the advice offered in this issue seriously, but I’m happy to say that I was pleasantly surprised.

The most informative piece was one titled “I Yam What I Eat: Is Lube Toxic?”  That’s right, have you ever thought about what ingredients are in the lube that you’re using? As a society, we’re getting very health conscious when it comes to ingredients in our skincare products. We should put the same thought, if not more, into the products we’re using…down there. Lubricants that contain certain chemicals, such as parabens, can possibly disrupt our estrogen levels. According to the article, “Exposure to parabens has been associated with cancer and reproductive health issues and hormone imbalances like fibroids, endometriosis, infertility, and PMS.” If that’s not enough to make you think twice before you slather mystery gel on your lady parts, I don’t know what else will. The solution? Look no further than your kitchen. Basically, if it’s safe to eat, it’s safe to play around in. That’s right, it’s time to get sexy with your olive oil, coconut oil and your almond oil. The site does warn readers that oil can compromise the effectiveness of latex, so you should avoid use when you or your partner is wearing a latex condom. Honestly, the smell of coconuts is enough to get me feeling sexy, so I’ll definitely keep this advice in my back pocket.

Next up, some intense and luxurious sex toy reccomendations. Goop wouldn’t be Goop without making you feel bad for not owning something that costs more than three hundred dollars. Want to orgasm and feel like a queen at the same time? No problem, this 24-kt gold plated dildo will only set you back FIFTEEN GRAND.


If I spend that much money on something, I can guarantee you it’s not gonna stay in a drawer in my nightstand. This is something to put on display for company. Sure, it might lead to an awkward conversation, but they’ll most likely be too distracted by how much money you seem to have. On a budget? Not to worry, this vibrating couples massager – also with gold – is just shy of four hundred bucks.

I’m not gonna lie, I had to wait until I had a coupon to my local Pleasure Chest before I could afford my first vibrator, so these are a little out of my price range. But, like anyone else, I enjoy browsing the web, looking at things I’ll never be able to afford. At this point, Gwyneth Paltrow has published cook books, created her own organic skincare line and even coined a new phrase (conscious uncoupling, anyone?) so I will listen to what she has to say. Who knows whats up her sleeve next, perhaps extending her skincare range to include organic, artisanal lube? Here’s hoping.

My 50 Shades of Grey: Interview with a True Sub

I must admit, I’ve always been fascinated by the BDSM world which is why I jumped at the opportunity to interview someone who’s been immersed in the community for the past five and half years. For those who don’t know, BDSM is an acronym meaning Bondage & Discipline/ Domination & Submission/ Sadism & Masochism. Usually, the first thing that comes to my mind when I hear the term BDSM is someone getting spanked while down on all fours and a ball gag in their mouth. This may very well be the case for a lot of people who practice BDSM, but there is so much more in terms of the relationship that is built between the two people who practice – one usually being dominant (a “daddy” or “master”), the other being submissive.  My friend (who Is a sub, and shall remain anonymous), was kind enough to answer some questions I had.

What exactly is a Daddy/Master? What is a sub? What’s the dynamic of that relationship?

A Master (sometimes referred to as ‘Daddy’) is a man who, within the game, owns your body and mind. The two terms (Master and Daddy) are not always used interchangeably. My first foray into this world was with a Master and he liked to be referred to as either ‘Master’ or ‘Sir’ in the beginning. Once we became more emotionally bonded, I was able to call him ‘Daddy’ and we mostly stayed in that world of age-play (the parent/child dynamic).

The term ‘Master’ usually denotes a more dominant tone and there will be some tenderness during the sessions together, but your job as a sub (which is what you are if you have a master) is to please your Master; your pleasure is unimportant. With a Master, a sub will experience more humiliation and degradation games.

The term sub is short for submissive, so that applies to the person in the relationship that is NOT the Master; the sub’s job is to worship and please their Master.

A man who likes the ‘Daddy’ title is still the dominant one and, as the ‘baby’, your job is still to please your Daddy, but your Daddy is usually also very interested in pleasing his baby girl. You almost always receive more sweetness and affection from the Daddy/baby relationship.

When did you first get into the world of BDSM?

I first got into it when a guy I thought was cute asked me if I wanted to be owned and I was like, “What does that mean??” And then we engaged in a Master/sub relationship where I was walked on a leash, spanked, etc. and I loved it.

Which relationship dynamic do you personally prefer?

I prefer the Daddy dynamic. I like to be submissive, and I will take some humiliation, but I really enjoy the sweetness of cuddling and having my needs meet.

I Told My Boyfriend He Wasn’t Good At Cunnilingus, So He Watched Instructional Videos to Get Better

Little did I know, if I had mentioned it, guess what? He totally would.

Communication is important in relationships. We all know this. I probably overshare, a lot. But if you’re dating me, that comes with the territory, and you soon learn there is no such thing as over sharing because every thought I have needs to be said out loud or else I will cease to exist. It can be hard to have an open discussion with your partner about sex, especially if it’s to voice a complaint. I don’t even like calling it a complaint. An observation, let’s say.  You don’t want to embarrass your partner or have them feel bad about themselves.

His Sex Conversation with Me

My boyfriend told me he didn’t think we were having sex enough. That wasn’t an easy conversation, but it was an important one. I felt bad and a little embarrassed. Was he going around feeling unfulfilled? I can’t make myself want to have sex more. To be fair, this wasn’t a complaint, but an observation. Well, maybe it was a complaint, but he was super nice about it, and it seemed like it was mostly out of concern that maybe I wasn’t sexually attracted to him, which is worrying, and not the case. That is completely understandable. This opened the floor for me to bring up something that had been on my mind as well.

You Could Do It Better

I kindly let him know, that maybe, he could be a little better at going down on me. It’s not always easy for me to come from actual intercourse, so that is something I need. I also let him know, that, you know, there are instructional videos out there, and…maybe he could look, and, hey… that could be fun. I didn’t completely tip toe around the subject but I also didn’t BS him. He voiced a concern, and now it was my turn. It’s an open dialogue.

I remember reading one of Jonathan Ames books in which he goes to a class to pick up some new tricks. I remember thinking “I wish my boyfriend would do that.” Little did I know, if I had mentioned it, guess what? He totally would. Well, not actually go to a class. That’s a pretty big ask. Watching YouTube videos in the privacy of his home? That was a little bit easier for him to wrap his head around.

Embarrassing but Game

I was honestly really surprised by his response. He was game. We both had a sense of humor about it, and he was happy I was honest, and seemed excited. He was up for the challenge. I felt so relieved. Yes, he was a little embarrassed, but tough. These conversations are not comfortable, but the results are worth it. If your partner cares more about pleasing you than a bruised ego, there is no reason why this wouldn’t help a relationship. It also helps to be a little subtle at first when bringing it up. Or, do you? You know the inner workings of your relationship better than anyone else. You know how you communicate with your partner, so trust that.

It’s Fun

Once we got over that initial awkwardness, it started to be fun. He got excited to try out new things he had learned. I was excited to let him go to town, you know, for educational purposes. He tried different methods, I gave him feedback. It was a learning experience for both of us. Things he hadn’t tried, I didn’t know about either. It made him more confident in the bedroom. Can you imagine if I had never brought this up? Turns out it’s much easier to figure stuff out if you just put it all out on the table. It brought us a lot closer, and, as it turns out, he’s quite a fast learner.

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