Author: Robin Tran

4 ways to Navigate Your Feelings for Someone

by Robin Tranin Mind

It can feel like absolute turmoil if you don’t have the tools to know how to manage your emotions when you develop feelings for someone, from agonizing despair, to intense euphoria, and everything in between.  These are likely signs of love addiction, which can be a result of an overly romanticized social view of “romantic love” as the greatest virtue one can achieve.

If you’re one of the rare people in the world who knows exactly what to say and how to act when you develop feelings for someone, consider yourself lucky.  For the rest of us, it takes conscious effort to figure out what to do and what not to do in these situations.

Through many years of missteps and mistakes, I figured out the healthiest ways to manage the development of feelings for someone, and most of the work is internal.

Here are the steps that have worked for me:

1.  Figure out how to be happy when you’re by yourself.

If you’re able to find happiness from within, life becomes easier, but achieving this level of independence takes hard work.  I read several self-help books and made a deliberate effort to treat myself like my own best friend.

We tend to use the word “alone” when we describe being by ourselves, but using the word “alone” implies that you are not a person.  The fact is, you’re technically never alone because you’re always with yourself.  You’re the only person that you’re around all the time, so you have to figure out how to start seeing yourself as a person and learn how to love that person.  It’s an everyday struggle, but once you feel like you deserve to be treated well by yourself, a whole world of opportunities will open up for you.

In addition to that, you become more attractive to others because there isn’t as much pressure for other people to make you happy.  The foundation of most–if not all–healthy relationships begins with people that can be happy by themselves so that when they find someone they’d like to spend their time with, they do so because the other person is a complement to their lives, and not a necessity.

2.  Lower the stakes.

There’s a tendency to live inside our heads when we begin developing feelings for someone.  Maybe you begin fantasizing what your lives would be like together, or how happy this person will make you.  But once you start going down that road, you begin idealizing a person that you don’t know that well.  You haven’t lived with this person.  You don’t see this person everyday.  You haven’t witnessed this person’s undesirable qualities or bad moods.

You’ve created a person who is perfect, a standard that no human can live up to.  You’ve cast this person as a life-preserver instead of an actual flawed human being like everybody else.  This person is not a magic pill for eternal happiness.

Also, contrary to what most television shows, movies, and books will have you believe, relationships actually take hard work with years of compromise and communication.  It’s not some finish line to happiness.  Once you’ve lowered the stakes, it’ll help you gain some perspective and realize that while it would be nice to spend time with this person, it won’t be catastrophic if you don’t, because you won’t be missing out on a perfect relationship that doesn’t exist.

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Speak Your Truth and Build Happiness Together

by Robin Tranin DATING ADVICE

After years of emotionally abusive relationships, I currently have a loving and supportive partner, but it hasn’t come easy.  Most of my past relationships fell apart due to miscommunication and feeling unheard.  I had to learn from my missteps and change my approach to communicating effectively, and although this is a difficult and ongoing process, proper communication skills are key to a relationship’s sustainability.

Here are some useful communication tools that I’ve acquired over the years after learning from past mistakes.

1)  It’s okay to ask for what you want.

It was never easy for me to request anything from my ex-partners because I was deathly afraid that they would either think less of me or leave me.  More importantly, I didn’t feel like I deserved to be treated well.

One of my ex-girlfriends would tease me about my weight constantly and I never let her know how much it hurt my feelings.  Instead of having a potentially uncomfortable conversation, I built up resentment towards her over time.  The main reason I never confronted her was because I had such low self-esteem that I thought she was doing me a favor by being with me.

By treating myself like a charity case, I didn’t put any value in myself which made it harder for us to put any value in our relationship.  I still think it was unkind of her to constantly shame me for being overweight, but it’s also possible that she didn’t mean any harm, and I’ll never know how she would’ve felt if I communicated that she genuinely hurt my feelings.

Over the years, I’ve learned to value myself more, which means that I have to occasionally request that my emotional needs are met.  I try my best to bring up the conversation gently and reassure her that my words are not meant as a personal attack.

These conversations generally aren’t comfortable and can get contentious, but I would much rather cope with some discomfort than to let years of resentment build up.  It’s better for your relationship–and for you personally–to realize that you are valuable enough to ask for what you want.  You owe it to yourself to let your voice be heard.

2)  Don’t demand to have your needs met.

Asking for what you want is different from demanding to get what you want.  When you become forceful in conveying your needs, you are selfishly disregarding your partner feelings.

I became incensed in a past relationship when my ex-girlfriend would take too long responding to texts.  Instead of simply letting her know that this was bothering me and discussing this issue like adults, I told her that she needed to text me more often, and I accused her of not caring about me if she didn’t comply.  Needless to say, we didn’t last.  Coercion is an unhealthy way of connecting with someone.

The mistake I made was conflating her actions with my self-worth. I thought that her lack of texting meant that I was an unlovable person. When you expect your partner to do whatever you ask, you are neglecting your partner’s needs and not taking ownership of your own feelings, meaning that you are deflecting responsibility onto someone else.  This hinders your own growth as well as the growth of your relationship.

Communicating your needs is not about getting your partner to comply by any means necessary (this would be considered emotional manipulation bordering on emotional abuse).  The purpose of asking for what you want is to assert yourself and let your voice be heard, not to get anything and everything you want. Remember that speaking up for yourself is its own reward, and remember that your partner has feelings, too.

3)  Don’t take criticism personally.

There will be times when your partner will request that his/her emotional needs are met, and when this happens, it’s very easy to react defensively and harshly which isn’t helpful to either party.

My natural impulse when my partner criticizes one of my behaviors is to defend myself angrily because I generally view criticism as a personal attack against my character.  I have to remind myself every day that this is not the case.

I was once told that I should lift my knees slightly higher when I run in order to improve my technique and burn more calories.  I automatically began making implications that weren’t there.  “So she thinks I’m bad at running, meaning she thinks I’m lazy, and lazy people aren’t desirable, so she thinks that I’m a lazy undesirable person?”

It took many years for me to realize that my self-worth is not wrapped up in any behavior.  Behaviors are something that can be fixed, improved, or even ignored, but none of that has anything to do with my worth as a person.

Once I learned to depersonalize criticisms, I became more able to hear my partner’s needs and assess whether her criticisms are valid or invalid, and either way, I’m thankful that she trusts me enough to communicate her needs to me.

Although criticism can oftentimes feel initially unpleasant, it never has to be negative.  You can either take your partner’s advice, or you can respectfully disagree, but either way, your self-worth will always stay intact.

4)  Take yourself out of the situation when tempers are flaring.

When you’re in a relationship, it’s inevitable that you and your partner will eventually have tempers.  When this happens, it’s hard–if not impossible–for logic to seep into your brain.  In these instances, it’s okay to temporarily take yourself out of the situation until anger subsides.

The good news is, anger has a time limit and cannot sustain itself forever.  When I feel like I’m about to lose control, I’ll leave my apartment for a few minutes to clear my head.  This gives me time to calm down which minimizes the possibility of saying something I’ll later regret in the heat of the moment.

It also gives me a chance to consider why the initial argument made me so angry in the first place, and when I can analyze my thoughts in a calmer manner, I can re-enter the conversation after I’ve calmed down.  In my experience, if the argument is resolved by the time you have calmed down, it’s okay to let it go and never bring it back up again.  But if there is still lingering resentment, it’s important to resolve the issue and not sweep the problem under the rug because it will always resurface down the road.

5)  Use positive reinforcement instead of negative reinforcement.

I was raised on negative reinforcement where my parents would shame me for any type of indiscretion.  They thought this would force me to behave well in order to save face.  What they didn’t realize was the irreparable damage this has done for my self-esteem.

I’ve found that many people were raised the same way, so they use similar tactics in communicating with their friends and spouses.  When you shame people for making a mistake (or what you deem as a mistake), they are actually more likely to repeat the behavior because shaming increases the likelihood of lower self-esteem, self-sabotage, and self-fulfilling prophecies.

Since I was used to being treated this way, I gravitated towards women who would treat me in a similar fashion and thought that constant shaming was the only way to get my point across, too.  It wasn’t until my current relationship when I realized that this is a toxic and inefficient way of communicating with your partner.

Instead of shaming me whenever I make a mistake, she congratulates me whenever I make her happy or when I achieve something.  Not only has this increased my overall self-esteem, it has also incentivized me to continue positive behavioral traits knowing that it makes both my partner and me happy.  My life feels less stressful as a result.  I don’t feel a sense of constant impending doom.  Positive reinforcement has allowed me to forgive myself whenever I make a mistake instead of feeling ashamed.

Conversely, you can return the favor and let your partner know whenever he/she makes you happy, and it’s a wonderful feeling to share your happiness together.  The only drawback of positive reinforcement is how difficult it is to break a bad habit, but otherwise, there is no discernible downside.  It is better for your relationship in every way.

True Love Can Overcome ANYTHING

by Robin Tranin LOVE

Is true love more romantic than soulmate? I never knew what unconditional love was until I met her, but it didn’t come right away.  For most of my life, I considered “true love” to be the day you meet your “soulmate.”

When I came out as a transgender woman this year, I had no idea how my girlfriend would react to it.  I knew that I was potentially throwing my relationship away to be myself.  She is my everything, and coming out to her was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

I never knew what unconditional love was until I met her, but it didn’t come right away.  For most of my life, I considered “true love” to be the day you meet your “soulmate.”  When she and I began dating, I felt a level of comfort and camaraderie that I’d never felt before, but it wasn’t the familiar feeling of turmoil that I’d always experienced in my past relationships.  Due to my dating history, my only frame of reference was to associate emotional pain with love.  I figured that she couldn’t be my soulmate.  I was too happy for this to be love.

As time went on, I let my guard down and allowed myself to open up to her.  We were so compatible.  Conversations came so easily.  We never got bored with one another.  We’d spend all our free time together and it still wasn’t enough.  It wasn’t long until we moved in together.  And in less than a year after meeting her, we said “I love you” to each other.

But our relationship didn’t come without fights, arguments, and disagreements.  We’ve had to partake in uncomfortable conversations where we set boundaries and spoke our truths, something that I’d always been afraid to do with my previous partners, and the feeling was mutual for her.  We felt like it was more important to endure a small amount of discomfort and anger in order to preserve our relationship in the long-run and minimize the chances of future resentment.

I agreed to meet her family, something I couldn’t fathom doing with my other partners, because I would’ve been too worried about what they thought of me.  But while meeting her parents, I wasn’t nervous about making a good impression because my initial concern was to make her comfortable.  She was my priority.  Our relationship was my priority.  My potential discomfort just seemed to pale in comparison.

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Television Skewed My Perceptions of Love and Courtship

by Robin Tranin LOVE

” I wrote long love letters and emails (I’m talking like thousand-word essays) to any girl who was willing to say “hi!” 

There were several television programs that distorted my views on love for the majority of my life.  Seemingly harmless shows like “Boy Meets World,” “Doug,” and “Family Matters” featured protagonists who were “nice guys” pining for the girls of their dreams.  Living in my own little fantasy world, I modeled my life after Steve Urkel, the breakout star of “Family Matters,” in his crusade for Laura Winslow’s affections because I thought his love for her was pure and romantic.  I had no idea how creepy Urkel’s character was at the time.  Subsequently, absorbing the themes of this television show turned me into a borderline stalker to several women without even realizing it.

These shows made me feel entitled, like I deserved for my feelings to be reciprocated just because I had spent time and energy pursuing my love interests.  It was all about my feelings, and their wants and needs were the least of my worries.  For example, Steve Urkel would perform grandiose acts such as climbing up a tree outside of Laura’s window to serenade her while she was trying to sleep.  He’d dress up like cupid and shoot arrows at her on Valentine’s Day, much to her dismay.  There’s an episode where he literally asks her out for the thousandth time, and other than slight annoyance from Laura, this is represented as an admirable–and even endearing–act.  His persistence was seen as quirky and cute, and in the end, the show represents Urkel to be an underdog.  Laura’s “no” was cast aside, and he literally couldn’t take “no” for an answer.  But that didn’t matter.  The audience loved him.  I loved him.  I cheered him on along with most of America.

The worst part of the whole “Family Matters” saga is that after years of stalking and annoying Laura, the two actually end up together.  She is his reward for hanging in there for so long.  Steve Urkel “getting the girl” in the end did so much damage to my perception of romance.

I took cues from this show when I began developing crushes in school by attempting to replicate these grand gestures to show my romantic pursuits how much I liked them.  I’d buy gifts for girls who were basically strangers and stare at them in class to let them know I was interested.  If they looked uncomfortable, I didn’t care.  I was persistent just like television taught me.

A lot of shows–whether intentionally or unintentionally–encouraged this behavior.  The program “Doug,” a cartoon created for children, featured Doug Funnie having the hugest crush on Patty Mayonnaise, and he would continuously back down from telling her about his feelings, and this caused him great distress.  To me, it also served as a cautionary tale: don’t ever let your feelings go unspoken.  Doug never let Patty know about his feelings for her, and that was represented as a mistake.

“That will never be me!” I thought.  As a result, I “went for it” every time I had a crush and always made my feelings known.  I wrote long love letters and emails (I’m talking like thousand-word essays) to any girl who was willing to say “hi” to me once or flash me a smile in passing.  In hindsight, these are incredibly shameful and embarrassing actions.  I creeped out many girls, and I wish I hadn’t done these things.

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Trying to Flirt on Facebook

by Robin Tranin DATING ADVICE

I cringe when I see someone publicly trying to flirt on Facebook and failing because it reminds me of me.  

I’ve noticed that the most common technique is one I utilized for years, the “I’m kidding…unless YOU’RE not…” approach, where someone makes a flirtatious overture under the guise of it being a “joke” to soften the blow of potential rejection, but also opens up the possibility of moving forward if the response to the “joke” is positive.  I get so embarrassed when I see this tactic because I look back and realize how transparent I was for years while thinking I was so slick, smooth, and suave.

A few weeks ago, one of my friends posted a status that said, “I dropped my iPhone and now it won’t turn on, can somebody help?” and inevitably, a poor sap commented, “I can show you how to turn YOU on, haha….”  The comment went unliked, unresponded to, and sat there like a Facebook sore thumb.

I’ve made similar inappropriate comments publicly so many times, and my friends have asked why I did this so frequently given how empathetic I seem nowadays and how I’m currently in a loving long-term relationship.

The main reason I used this approach was because I always thought women were oblivious and did not know how to take hints.  When my advances went unanswered, I’d think, “How could she be so unaware that I’m flirting?  I guess this means I need to be more obvious next time.”  Many movies and television shows had a trope where several men would make advances to the same woman and part of the humor rested on the woman’s unawareness, so I assumed that all women were this oblivious in real-life.  I subconsciously dehumanized them and saw them as vapid creatures who never knew what was happening around them.

Little did I know that every time I tried to be subtle, they almost always knew I was attempting to flirt, and they didn’t challenge my intentions because it would’ve made the situation too awkward.  And in some cases, they were generously helping me save face.  However, since I came out as a transgender woman, I started receiving messages and awkward comments from strangers who try to flirt with me (which is a completely new experience), so I am now experiencing what I’ve put so many women through.

I used to wonder why my female friends never told these people–mostly men–to “go away” bluntly, and now that I’m experiencing the awkward amorous overtures firsthand, I realize it’s because this entire flirting technique is immersed in plausible deniability.  These men can easily deny that they were ever flirting and can even claim that the other party is being “arrogant” when confronted.

A few years ago, I had a crush on my friend and while we were chatting online, I made an allusion to how beautiful she was as a “joke” and followed up with a meek “lol…”  Looking back, I could see she was protecting me when she told me she only saw me as a friend and wanted to cut this off at the pass before I got the wrong idea.  She told me she wanted to make our relationship clear, that we were only friends, and that while she was flattered, she didn’t want us to be anything more.

Immediately, I felt my face turning red and I was so embarrassed that I didn’t know how to deal with it.  I convinced myself that I was just trying to give her a compliment.

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Challenges of Dating as a Man VS. a Woman

by Robin Tranin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

“I went from receiving zero attention on dating sites and Facebook for years, to all of a sudden receiving many unsolicited messages from strangers and acquaintances”

I still have vivid memories of the loneliness I felt when I lived my life as Robert.  I’d drive around the city at 2 a.m., listening to Jimmy Eat World on repeat, looking for a 24/7 fast-food drive-through.  I didn’t care about my health.  Actually, I didn’t care very much about anything.  I was ready to die.  I simply didn’t have the motivation to kill myself.

I spent five years without any physical contact with another woman.  No kissing.  No hand-holding.  No cuddling.  Nothing.  I would try to lament about my debilitating loneliness to my female friends and they didn’t seem to have much sympathy for me.  They were too worried about dealing with men who would harass them.  At the time, I was actually jealous of the harassment they endured.  “At least somebody’s paying attention to you,” I’d think to myself.  It wasn’t that I didn’t sympathize with what they had to go through.  I was just too lonely to care about anybody other than myself.

My perspective has broadened since.  I came out as a transgender woman earlier this year, and my experiences as a woman named Robin differ greatly from my experiences as Robert.

I went from receiving zero attention on dating sites and Facebook for years, to all of a sudden receiving many unsolicited Facebook messages from strangers and acquaintances requesting sex.  When I don’t respond right away, I’m met with anger and transmisogyny.  “Hi beautiful” turns into “f— you, you’re ugly and not even a real chick” within seconds.  Some of these men I vaguely know.  Some I never met at all.  Some have wives and children.  And none of them seemed to care that my relationship status showed that I was in a relationship with a woman.

I’ve been asked if it’s flattering to receive messages seeking sex, and my truthful answer is that yes, it’s about 5% flattering, which means it’s 95% creepy and scary.  I now have to worry about potentially running into one of these men in real-life, and I live with the very real fear that one of these men might hurt me physically because they have had it with rejection.

(Please note:  I realize that there are men out there who receive unsolicited scary messages from others, and I also know that there are women who struggle with loneliness as well.  I’m speaking in a broader sense of the paradigm that we, as a society, are accustomed to, which is that men “hunt” for the women, and women “choose” their suitor.  I am speaking in very general and heteronormative terms and am not including other types of relationships.  I am not implying that other relationships are less valuable.  I am merely focusing on traditional male/female relationships for the purposes of illustrating this particular point.)

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How Breaking Bad Taught Me Self Love

by Robin Tranin LOVE

I realized that the way I viewed entertainment changed drastically after I discovered self-love. I’m glad I discovered self-love and now have the ability to allow myself to enjoy things.

Recently, I was watching Breaking Bad for the second time, and I was blown away by how much more immensely I enjoyed the show upon rewatching it. I viewed the characters with more well-roundedness and empathy than I originally had. Consequently, I realized that the way I viewed entertainment changed drastically after I discovered self-love.

My therapist told me that when you’re rewatching a TV show/movie or rereading a book, the way you feel about the work will largely depend on your state of mind and worldview at the time. When I was an overly negative person, I disliked everything–books, movies, video games–and always found a way to undercut an artist’s attempts to create content. In fact, if I saw any artist trying at all, I would scoff at them for actually caring about something.

In hindsight, since I was so full of self-hate, there was a subconscious part of me that wouldn’t allow myself to appreciate great art because I didn’t feel like I deserved to experience joy. I hated everything because I hated myself. I was depriving myself and didn’t even realize it.

I believe that the way we perceive fictional characters can actually reflect the way we view real-life. For instance, when I first watched Breaking Bad, I hated the protagonist’s wife, Skyler White. I disliked how she was always meddling in Walter White’s affairs when all he was trying to do was cook meth and commit murder to make money for his family. I hated how she would always complain about how her husband was putting their family in danger because I kept thinking, “He’s got it under control, leave him alone.” I couldn’t give her character any empathy because I had no empathy to give anybody.

On my second viewing, I see her as an extremely tragic and sympathetic character. The reason why she’s so resistant to her husband’s dealings is because he is constantly putting their family in grave danger. Several known murderers threaten to kill him and his entire family if he does not comply to their wishes. Even when he’s given opportunities to stop cooking meth, he refuses purely due to his own ego. Everything he says to his wife is a lie and she knows it, so on top of being a danger to her, he is insulting her intelligence.

Even though it’s just a TV show and the events are fictional, I feel fortunate that I’m now able to extrapolate real emotions and empathy from watching the program. I feel a deeper appreciation for the art, and I no longer dismiss a piece of work as “stupid” due to feeling internally miserable.

I also have very different tastes in comedy now. When I was angry and depressed and constantly lashing out on the world, I was a huge fan of shock jock radio where they would regularly spew out the most vitriolic hate they can for laughs. As a pastime, they would run down anybody they can with pure nastiness. They would make jokes about people’s miscarriages, would routinely spout racist ideas, and would encourage their listeners to engage in mean-spirited behavior with anybody who disagreed with their ways of expressing themselves.

The days of listening to that program as part of my lifestyle are long gone. There was a time in my life when I needed comedy to be that mean-spirited because it reflected the internal anger I felt, but I no longer admire pure nastiness in order to legitimately hurt people’s feelings. I still enjoy very dark comedy, especially comedy that illuminates, but that’s much different from seeking out to purposely destroy someone for a laugh.

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How to Have Empathy and Speak Up for Myself

by Robin Tranin LOVE, Mind, Wellness

I was seething but there was nobody to direct my anger because he hadn’t done anything intentionally harmful.

In one night, I experienced a perfect storm of disrespect at a comedy show that I was booked to perform on.

I came out as a transgender woman a year ago, and since then, I’ve received lots of support, but I’ve also heard many people mistakenly refer to me as “he” instead of “she.”  I understand that it’s hard for people to readjust since transgender issues are relatively new to the mainstream, and I’m sympathetic that most of my friends have had to refer to me using male pronouns for most of my life.

With all that in mind, I entered the comedy show knowing that mistakes would be made; I just didn’t know how pervasive it would be.

As soon as I entered the venue, the host called me “bro” three times within a minute.  I went to correct him and he apologized, but a few minutes later, he made the mistake at least six more times in ten minutes.

Eventually, he said, “Can I ask you some questions?”

Even though I was annoyed, I was excited that he was at least trying to learn and be educated, so I was eager to help.  “Sure,” I said.

He began telling me about “a man” he saw at a different comedy show who was wearing a skirt and boots, and this man would try to smile at others to put them at ease.

The host continued, “And I thought about how hard it must’ve been for him, because I’m sure that he knows deep-down that everybody is looking at him knowing that he’s actually a dude.”

I was too heartbroken to respond — especially since what he said was so well-intentioned — because I knew that it was how most people actually saw me.  They saw me as a man in a dress.  The host was just articulating in an honest manner, and his words are what I imagine most other people — even most of my friends — actually think about me.

My girlfriend spoke up, “Are you sure he was a man?  This person might’ve been a transgender woman.”

“Oh,” the host continued.  “I don’t know the difference I guess.”

He got up and left.

I was seething but there was nobody to direct my anger because he hadn’t done anything intentionally harmful.  A couple of minutes later, another comedian entered the room and looked me up and down.  “So, you trying to be a girl or something?  Or what’s the deal here?”

I took a deep inhale because I didn’t want to snap at her.

“Robin’s a transgender woman,” my girlfriend answered.

The comedian responded, “Oh, cool.  That’s in season, huh?” she joked.

Later when she was onstage, she made a joke about a woman with a mustache, turned to me, and said, “But not in a tranny way.”

I tried to be patient, and I even smiled at her when she made her joke because I didn’t want her feeling bad.  But in reality, I felt really angry and unbelievably depressed.  On the ride home, I was crying and screaming in the car, and I had a panic attack.

“I look so stupid,” I said out loud.  “I can’t believe I’m putting on makeup and dresses.  What’s wrong with me?  At least they were honest.  I know that’s what everybody thinks of me.  I’m just a man in a dress!”

Luckily, I had therapy the next morning and I told my therapist about this whole incident.  As she began expressing her anger over what had transpired, I got very defensive and started pleading with her that nobody had done anything wrong.  “It was the society that we were all brought up in,” I said.  “They tried their best and I had no basis for getting upset.”

She slowly asked me, “Do you want to know what I think is part of the reason why you’re so upset?”

“Why?” I asked.

“Because you give everybody an out.  You give everybody else an excuse as to why they can mistreat you, so you have nowhere to direct your anger.”

I sat back and thought about it and I realized that she was right.  In my attempt to be completely empathetic, I offered way too much sympathy as well.

But there was something I couldn’t reconcile.  “They tried their best though.  How can I get mad at them?”

My therapist shook her head.  “No, they didn’t.  They could’ve made more of an effort.  They could’ve been respectful.  You can be empathetic, you can be compassionate, but you’re also allowed to be angry when others mistreat you.”

This was a concept that I had never thought of before.

My therapist helped me realize that it’s okay to ask for what you want, and it’s not unreasonable to request that others respect you.  It was an empowering message that I needed to hear because I had been putting myself down for the comfort of others.

She also told me that it’s okay to be empathetic without being sympathetic.  I can see things from other people’s positions without excusing their behavior.  The example she used was if someone changes their name and someone repeatedly mispronounces it, the person who mispronounces the name shows a lack of effort on their part.

When she used that example, the floodgates opened and I began letting loose and screaming about the host and the comedian from the show, wishing they would’ve tried harder.  I realized that making the same mistakes ten times in one night showed that they just didn’t care very much.  I realized that while it’s not their job to care, it’s also not my job to placate them when I feel disrespected.

The balance for me is still very challenging.  Asserting my needs is hard enough, but I’m also afraid that if I begin speaking up for myself, I’ll start blaming others for my anger instead of owning up to my feelings.

The way I’ve reconciled this is by absolving myself from being concerned with how others feel.  I trust myself enough to not hurt others intentionally, and if I do, I’ll apologize.  But I’ve stopped presuming that any type of correction or speaking up for myself is a burden on another person.  I can ask for what I want without constantly worrying about what this does to other people’s feelings because I’m also entitled to respect.  This doesn’t mean I have to be harsh; I can speak the truth while also being tactful.

I think that being empathetic without necessarily being sympathetic is a great compromise, especially when you feel anger and resentment rising up.  If you’re constantly catering to other people’s needs without thinking about your own needs, your level of internalized anger will increase significantly.  Conversely, if you’re vilifying others and labeling them as a “bad person” without any empathy whatsoever, you’ll become overly resentful of others.

Asserting yourself while being empathetic to others is a very freeing feeling.  When you direct your anger at the right people without perceiving them as a “bad person,” you’ll get the anger out of your system before it simmers and gets out of control, and you’ll feel a sense of self-respect.

No matter how much you understand another person’s positions, you should speak up for yourself anyway because your voice deserves to be heard.

How to Maintain Your Independence Within a Relationship

by Robin Tranin RELATIONSHIPS

While my partner was living her own life, I was living only for her, and when she’d come home from work, I’d excitedly greet her like a lost puppy.

There’s been a common theme in all my relationships.  Every time I’ve been overly codependent, it has always signified that I’m feeling insecure about how lovable I am.

There’ve been instances when I’d dedicate most of my life figuring out how to make my partner happy, and I’d inevitably lose my own identity in the process.  This isn’t to say that affection is a bad thing or that one shouldn’t strive to make their partner happy; but when somebody else becomes the majority of your life, that’s when problems arise.

Ever since I’ve learned how to be happy on my own, my relationships have flourished.  This doesn’t mean that I’m perfect.  There are still times when I become very insecure and needy, but those situations have decreased significantly over time.

Here are some benefits of having independence within a relationship.

  1. Less Pressure on Your Partner

During a very codependent phase of my life, I realized that my hobbies all somehow involved my partner.  My hobbies were hanging out with her, cooking for her, and trying to make her happy.

This is when I realized a very important lesson in life: nobody wants to be your hobby.

While my partner was living her own life, I was living only for her, and when she’d come home from work, I’d excitedly greet her like a lost puppy.  While acting this way occasionally can be very sweet, doing it every day became overwhelming.

She wanted me to live my own life and encouraged me to reestablish old friendships because she felt way too much pressure being someone else’s whole world. Knowing that you are someone else’s everything is a huge responsibility, because in some ways, you’re making them feel like your moods are completely dependent on them.

By figuring out how to be happy on your own, you take that pressure off of your partner because they don’t have to constantly worry about whether or not you’re happy.

They can continue living their own lives without feeling stressed out about your well-being.

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Why 50/50 Relationships Don’t Work

by Robin Tranin RELATIONSHIPS

The idea of an equal relationship is nice in theory, but it doesn’t work in reality.

The truth is, there’s no way of knowing how much someone loves you. You’ll never know for sure how somebody really feels about you. All relationships are inherently unequal, even in friendships. This would’ve bothered me years ago, but I learned awhile back that this was purely due to my pride and not because there was anything that was actually wrong with this concept.

For a long time, I was worried that I wasn’t pulling my weight in my relationship. Part of me still worries about that. I think about how much more money my girlfriend makes, how she has given me a home, and how she has stuck with me throughout my transition into a woman.

I think about how unfair it must be for her, how I haven’t done enough to make her happy.

But in doing so, I’ve done nothing except cause myself pain, and it also makes her unhappy to hear me being so cruel about myself. She tries to reassure me that I do pull my weight by cooking and cleaning, by taking care of her needs, and by being her emotional support. She says that when I downplay my contributions to our relationship, I’m “score-keeping,” which she very much dislikes.

There is an example of score-keeping in the movie The Joy Luck Club, which features a relationship between Harold and Lena, a couple who splits everything right down the middle. Harold is all about “fairness.” For instance, he labels everything in the refrigerator as either his or hers, and he keeps track of how much everything costs. This causes a get strain in their relationship, and they end up splitting apart because of this.

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How I Knew I Found Someone Special

by Robin Tranin LOVE

All I cared about is that she made me happy whenever I was around her, and she helps me help myself feel worthy of that love every day.

I’ve always been a bratty, picky introvert, lamenting about my loneliness while putting myself through self-imposed solitude. I can’t quite explain why. I love being alone yet I hate being lonely. It’s this inexplicable balance that I’ve lived with for the vast majority of my life.

I have a high capacity for love, yet a very low tolerance for stimulus. This means that while I appreciate every moment I get to spend with my friends and family, I was never able to see any one person more than twice a week before I started feeling overwhelmed. I would have to take regular breaks from seeing people.

That was, until I met my current girlfriend.

In 2012, I was going through a journey of self-discovery. That was the year I realized that I had never really been happy. I would smile and laugh occasionally, but the feeling of pure joy eluded me. I started figuring out how to love myself using cognitive behavioral therapy and meditation.

It was around this time that I met Cate. When I first got to know her, I didn’t know that she would be the person I’d want to spend my life with. We always got along made each other laugh, but I was still in the process of finding myself. I still held onto my rule of only seeing my friends twice a week. I kept a wall up, perhaps to protect myself from pain.

But one fateful day, after many months of cognitive therapy, I worked up the nerve to take a risk. For a long time, I had “jokingly” asked her on dates, which always gave her the opportunity to laugh off the situation. But not on this day.

I wanted to drop any pretense that I was joking and told her that I was serious, letting her know that I wanted to get to know her better. We finally set up our first date.

I wasn’t sure what I expected when we went out for the first time. All I wanted to do was have a good time, get to know someone new. I always enjoyed her company and our Facebook chats, and she was the smartest person I knew.

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