Category: DATING ADVICE

Education, Careers and More: Do They Really Affect Dating?

by Kate Oczypokin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

I set out to talk to women from various urban areas and also had an interesting conversation with a sociology professor and a man’s opinion too.

I recently read a Washingtonian magazine article on how difficult dating can be in my city, which is populated by mostly professional people that work in or with government and policy issues. It claimed that dating is difficult because we’re all too educated. I don’t think women necessarily have a hard time dating due to education. I think it’s all about weeding through your choices until you find someone that’s right for you.

I’ve dated a law student, med student, DJ and finally found my match in a government employee. I do place value on education, but I know it’s not for everyone. While it sometimes seems like it’s hard to find men in general, I am a firm believer that the right person is out there. Call me a hopeless romantic and idealist but I think if you’re meant to find someone you will.

If you’re having trouble finding the right person, you’re not alone. Let us help you streamline the process. Join LOVE TV today.

Professor Paula England, Sociology, New York University

Right now more women than men are going to and completing college than men and that’s been true for approximately 20 years. Actually, the gap is increasing not because the statistic is going down for men, it’s because women’s numbers are actually going up faster.

If you go back far enough in history, there were many more men getting college degrees, but it’s since been reversed. There’s been more stigma in the past when a wife has more education than the husband compared to vice versa.

Many women with college degrees are marrying men without them. What this article says about the education gap is correct. This used to be a predictor of divorce because nobody was meeting gendered expectations, however it seems to not be predicting divorce as much anymore.

Mostly, the thing to know is this isn’t so much about big cities. It’s really a national phenomenon, there’s nothing unique about cities like Washington, D.C. or New York City.

smart woman

Teresa, Pittsburgh

Teresa has lived in Pittsburgh her entire life except three years spent on active duty in the Army in the Carolinas. She has a master’s degree in international affairs. She considers herself not overworked as she is a 100 percent disabled veteran and has a psychiatric disability.

“Little, everyday things are stressful so the thought of dating right now is not on my mind,” she said.

As far as dating apps, Teresa thinks they’re good for people like her as she doesn’t go to work or out to bars so she doesn’t have a lot of opportunities to meet people.

When it comes to dates, Teresa said that usually when men or women ask what she does, she says she’s a disabled vet. “Then I have to explain what’s wrong with me,” she said. “I usually don’t get a second date after that.”

Lily*, New York City

Lily has lived in New York City since 2010. She has a bachelor’s degree with some additional certifications in her field.

She believes that being overworked or overstressed affects your dating prospects only if you want it to. “There is always an excuse to find reasons why dating isn’t working for you, especially in a place like New York City,” Lily said. “However, if you’re able to separate work from life it becomes a lot easier.”

None of Lily’s dates really talk about education or career extensively as that’s usually covered in the texting and online portion before she meets them.

Memorable stories from Lily’s dating past include a firefighter that had free access to the top of the Empire State building. “You could tell he took women on this date pretty much every night because he rushed through the whole thing, knew the exact spots to point out and then immediately tried to come home with me.” Yikes.

There was another that showed up 45 minutes late with bad breath (ugh). There was a post-season Yankees game on and Lily is a huge fan. She sat in silence with the guy through the extra innings and finally made an excuse to leave. “The time in between leaving and getting home, Derek Jeter broke his foot,” she said. “I will never forgive that man.”

Kat, Washington, D.C. area

policewoman outside of the White House

Kat has lived in the D.C. area for 33 years—her entire life. She has a bachelor’s degree.

She considers herself an introverted person, so if she doesn’t practice self-care, she will have no energy to interact with strangers even through a dating app. “At one point in my 20s, I was working over 80 hour weeks for not enough money and I basically had no time for anything except falling exhausted into my bed each night,” Kat said.

If Kat works too hard she scrimps on things like cooking healthy meals or prepping lunches then she ends up feeling “gross and unattractive.”

“As I’ve gotten older, I do a better job screening potential employers for work/life balance and other benefits,” she said. “But yeah, it was especially tough in my 20s when I was trying to establish a career.”

Education hasn’t been discussed on any of Kat’s first dates, as far as she can remember. “Careers used to be discussed extensively, but now feels very taboo to bring it up too early because D.C. people are over it,” she said. “Usually someone who is discussing their career, bragging about a Hill job is someone you don’t really want to be with.”

In her 20s, Kat came across a lot of men who outright lied about their careers. One told her he worked for D.C. United (an American professional soccer team based in D.C.). Kat later found out he volunteered once a month with the team. The same man implied heavily he had graduated with a four-year degree when he’d never finished. “I really don’t care too much about that stuff, but lying about it is certainly a red flag.”

Bill, Orlando

Bill is married and lives in Orlando, Florida. To him, when he was dating, education wasn’t as high of a priority as worldliness and an intelligent sense of things and the ability to learn.

“I lived in Washington, D.C. and Orlando when I was single and dating a lot,” he said. “I don’t think too much about statistics that more women are going to college because to me, education, or rather a degree has become a commodity.”

Bill added that investing many years and dollars can hopefully parlay into a career, if you get lucky. “Other than that, you’re doing to have to marry into your success,” he said.

10 First Tender Dates: It’s a Swipe Left — Swipe Right World

by Rebecca Leibin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

When I set out to do the interviews for “We met on Tinder,” I assumed I had a few questions that needed answering. However, spoiler alert: I left the swipe world with more questions than answers.

But I’ll have to go into that another time. At the root of everything was the question of experiences: the way we all date, what we are looking for and how we go about doing it. Maybe it was all just about hookups.

If you haven’t read “Swipe 1” you can do it here.

Swipe 2 was a guy named Matt. We recounted our dating experiences. He told me about a girl he hooked up with in Santa Cruz and his experience with the dating scene in Los Angeles. What I liked most about Matt was the ease of talking with him. It felt less like an interview and more like a date, which was not what I thought would happen. In the dates that followed, I had a new question to access.

How much of this was a date? How much was just an interview? Could I end up falling for one of these guys? What do I do if I fall for someone?

This show became something else. It became about answering questions myself. While I had the interviews set up for the guys I choose to question, I also had to discover things on my own. And if I were to fall for someone, what would that mean for the show and the way I made it?

This is when “We met on Tinder” began to shift for me and become about something more complicated than just a girl going on ten Tinder dates in one month. It became about what I was willing to explore in this swipe left, swipe right world. It became about what Tinder meant for me as a twenty something trying to find love.

You can listen to the full show below. And don’t forget, if you’re searching for a way to maximize your dating successes, you can join LOVE TV today!

Dating in the Modern Age and How Women Can Succeed Now: A Talk With LOVETV’s Karinna Karsten

by Kelley Lynnin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

When I sat down for my phone chat with author, producer, speaker, and internationally recognized relationship expert Karinna Karsten, I knew I was in for an enlightening and intelligent conversation.

After all, the LOVE TV creator, innovator, and “The Love Educator,” has had an interesting life so far, so I went into our conversation with high expectations.

Little did I know, that Karinna’s wealth of knowledge and passions goes way beyond studying and making sense of relationships. She has a passion for human beings, for empowering people, and for helping both men and women become the very best version of themselves.

Her 5 books, including the best-seller Intimate Wisdom: The Sacred Art of Love, are just one of many ways she has honed in on love and meaningful relationships. In short, Karinna is definitely living the best version of herself, and she exceeded all of my expectations. Here is my sit-down with the refreshingly honest and wonderfully layered Karinna Karsten:

Karinna Karsten LOVETV founder

So tell me a little bit about your early adult years, and your background.

Sure. So, I have always taken an interest in relationships, and in gathering information and personal knowledge about the ways in which people communicate with each other that is based on history, philosophy, systems and anthropology.

Years back, when I was beginning my relationship teaching career, and I worked with various people who were in the public eye; executives, athletes, lawyers, A-list celebrities, I thought it would be fantastic to get a different perspective, from bringing down to earth people together in my living room who were trying to navigate through dating, love, relationships. I was living in NYC, which as you know is this great big melting pot, right?

So I started inviting a group of women over from every corner of the world, once a month, for about 3 years, to talk about relationships.

That must have been pretty fascinating. You know I lived in NYC for the past 26 years, and you really do meet people from every culture, every viewpoint, every background.

Yes! It was wonderful, and interesting, and we would get into these incredible discussions and constantly learn from one another. We covered so many topics, everything from sexual health to not getting discouraged in the dating world. Often times, we would bring in guest speakers, so that we would get a new perspective on a certain subject.

We even had tactile experiences like a sculpting night, where each participant was asked to sculpt their hidden feminine self-very revealing. So, eventually, word got around about my gatherings, and it led to me being asked to speak at places such as N.Y.U., and everything sort of snowballed from there.

What would they ask you to speak about at these events?

Relationships. Wellness. How they affect one another. I started becoming very passionate about the integration of the two.

And how would you define the word ‘wellness?’

Well, my very first company was actually called Paradise Wellness, and those were the kinds of things that we explored. What is wellness? I think there are several components. Wellness is a state of body, and a state of mind, coming together. Having total awareness of your mind and body, at all times. Everything from breathing, to movement, to overall mindfulness. The most important thing to remember about wellness, is that we never really arrive there. As human beings, we are always in a state of learning and becoming more aware.

So how do wellness and relationships affect one another, or connect to one another?

I believe, in every single way. It is extremely difficult to find access to or experience high-quality relationships, unless you are on a path of self awareness yourself. The more aware you are, in terms of wellness, the richer your relationships will be.

I have seen evidence of this connection, in all my collected research and data, of all the many people I have worked with over the years in relationship development. My biggest passion is helping people individually, and collectively, to find and build higher-quality relationships. If I can help move that needle, and assist people in adding a new level of value to their love lives, I will feel like I’ve truly succeeded.

sweet loving couple

Wow. It sounds as if you have found multiple ways to help people do these things. Tell me about “Sacred Love-Making.”

Sacred Love-Making is a film project I both created and produced, which was distributed by Netflix. It’s a spicy documentary in which we explore ways that couples can add more meaning to the bedroom.

There is so much to deal with in today’s dating world, that people just didn’t have to deal with years and years ago. How do you feel the internet / modern age has changed love and the dating scene?

Technology is powerful. What we do with it determines whether it is empowering or not. I believe that as we have accelerated into being a digital society today, we have lost something in translation for relationships that was part of our DNA in prior generations. We used to get to know someone before we started dating them. The fundamental complexity of today’s world is that relationship building has become transactional. We have lost sensitivity and common courtesy, because this is just a transaction, right? So if I don’t get what I need immediately, I’m going to cut you off or disappear …

Ghosting. I found out all about that when I started dating again after losing my husband to sudden death. It was shocking to me how I’d just be talking to a guy, and think that things were going along wonderfully, and he would just stop contact with no explanation or reason. I never thought about it being a “transaction” for people, but you are so right. That’s the perfect word for it.

Yes, the human factor is missing. We often forget that there is a human being on the other end of that conversation. There are so many amazing people out there dating, such as you, and who are seeking quality experiences in their love life. As a society, we need to crack through this “transaction” mindset, in order to keep evolving forward.

Now, with all that being said, I do want to make it clear that I think online dating is pretty amazing. I am really impassioned by it, because it exposes us to so many people that we would never know otherwise. This is why at LOVE TV — we are giving daters the support and guidance they need, so they can speed up their online dating success. It is so easy to get lost on the apps and sites and actually make headway when what you need is a real buddy system. We provide that for you, as part of a LOVE TV membership.

You have so many ideas in your head. Do you ever sleep?

(laughs) Yes. Because sleeping is part of wellness. I definitely receive inspiration though, first thing in the morning.

Any recent or new ideas going on at LOVE TV?

Yes, actually. We are launching a new set of ongoing fictional, narrative videos — based on real scenarios people are going through right now — designed to help people relate and move through dating and relationship building challenges.

loving lesbian couple

That sounds awesome. Here’s an important question. How can women take on more of a leadership role, instead of a reactionary one, when it comes to love, dating, and sexuality? Why is this so important?

Oh boy, how long do you have? (both laugh) It is so, so important. Women innately understand relationships, because of our makeup, our ability to bear children if we so choose, our natural caring, nurturing, and maternal instincts. The instinct to care and nourish — these are so fundamental in relationship building. This is a good thing.

The complex part arises when we look at what women are exposed to, historically, from a young age. The Cinderella or Snow White fairy tales that helped shape us. The Prince Charming coming to rescue us, the happily ever after. The idea that we need to be led into love by the masculine, when, in actuality; the feminine has natural leadership in this area.

This is good stuff. I think you should run for President. (laughs) So how do we begin to change this passive expectation, into something healthier and more realistic?

We have to take initiative. We have to flip that switch on with bright lights, own these innate qualities, and be leaders in our own love lives. If we start to do that, we can create real change on the behaviors that feel insensitive or transactional towards us. We can care for ourselves better, we can choose higher quality relationships, we can share resources that inspire us. This is what LOVE TV is all about, this is that collective support we offer. We say: ‘support your girlfriends, but don’t be their therapist.’

There is a lot of pain around relationship development, more than I have ever seen. Step out of the pain, by moving toward resources that are more empowering and constructive. We can help each other by guiding one another toward more quality connections in our lives. And keep in mind, when I say quality, that word is defined differently for everyone.

There are endless types of relationships, and ways to feel connection. The word “poly” was one of the most googled terms in 2017. People are open-minded today, people are curious, and they define quality in different ways. LOVE TV provides an open platform, in a safe environment; so that whoever you are, wherever you are in your relationship journey, whatever you want to explore, you can find topics that are helpful to you and the relationship life that you want to create.

fun hipster love

What advice would you have for men who are trying to navigate both the modern age and the modern woman?

One huge challenge is that too many men and some women do not have the emotional intelligence needed for the dating process. Behaving as adolescents when you are in your twenties and thirties or playing games when others take dating seriously is not helping anyone to find the love they seek.

Dating is challenging. Young men living at home or not hitting their career stride are often insecure and act out when in the dating process. Also, the media often over caters to the immature male and can support their staying undeveloped rather than inspiring and educating them to grow up.

Emotional development can vary from person to person. Playing too many video games doesn’t necessarily help. My advice for men dating online would be to go to LOVE TV and become a LOVE TV subscriber. Here, men can enhance their emotional intelligence with interactive quizzes, and learn from the content library of tutorials in the membership.

Once men have a better understanding of their EQ, when on dating apps explore profiles of a potential date who would match your EQ or be in the same zone. Does the profile match how you would naturally communicate or hold your interest? Men need to seek to advance their relationship development skills, just as they would in business. If you were in a business deal, would you move right to the close? No. So, with females, don’t communicate to close right away. Get to know her, build some trust and develop a relationship.

This has been so educational for me. Writing articles for LOVE TV is such a pleasure, but getting to do this interview with you is definitely ranking up there as my favorite LOVE TV experience so far. When I was doing all my dating, after losing my husband, and before meeting him, I wish I had a “Love Educator” such as you to help guide me through. So on that note — we will end with this — what inspires you? What gives you hope?

Without a doubt, love! Love has the innate power to change any individual’s life, and our collective experience. Whether it be a community, set of friends, romantic love — having the ability to truly see another person for who they are, and understand them — those are the things that inspire me. Those are the things that we will care about in our last breath. It is all that really matters. Love.

LOVE TV is offering a 20% off membership for the summer for new readers using code OFF20.

When Finding “The One” is Nothing More Than Just a Numbers Game

by Nikki Yeagerin DATING ADVICE, LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

When people want something (a job, a house, a change of scenery), the advice is always the same: “work hard and go get it.” But what about love?

When we want to find love, we’re told to follow an all together different approach: “wait and it will find you.”

In my experience, that’s a bunch of nonsense.

When I was in my early 20s I moved back to NYC after a year of working abroad. I found a reliable job doing something I loved and an apartment that I could afford. Everything was falling into place and I was ready for a relationship that matched where my life was; I wanted something serious. If you’re in the same boat, don’t forget to check out the LOVE TV membership.

I decided it was time to find “the one.”

So I started to look. By my calculations, there were about 8 million people in the city. Since raising kids outside of New York was a non-starter, I could keep my search local. Once I accounted for my gender preference (male), my native language (English) and my desired age range (20-30), I figured there couldn’t be more then 2, maybe 3 million men that fit the bill.

Those were numbers I could work with. After all, I was still pretty young.

To me, love is not serendipitous, it’s something we can seek out with intention. By meeting more men, I felt I could increase the odds of finding the right one for me. He was out there somewhere, I just had to comb through my options until I found him.

Everyone gets a number!

young couple dating

I started the easiest way possible, by giving out my phone number. Everyone who asked, regardless of my initial attraction level, would get a chance.

Walking into a bar was like stepping into Oprah’s shoes. Instead of giving out cars, I was giving out digits. “You get a number! And you get a number!” I remained as open minded as possible, unless someone reeked of out-right danger, they got a follow up.

Even with that, the process moved slowly. I felt as thought I’d put my resume up on a job recruitment site without a cover letter – sure, I was getting a lot of calls, but no one knew what I was really looking for.

So I flipped the script. Instead of me giving my number to men who asked, I started approaching men myself. If this was a numbers game, I figured I’d meet more people if the effort was coming from both sides. I also had more control over who I approached, which felt more targeted.

Because I was the one initiating the conversations, I’d choose locations I loved (the bookstore, a coffee shop, a museum during free nights) and strike up conversations with anyone I found even mildly appealing. I figured we already had something in common based on the location, so I was already a step ahead.

Online dating

online dating

A month or two later I’d been on a lot of dates, but the process felt inefficient. The men I met were nice, but they weren’t necessarily looking for something serious. So I started to explore online dating. I wanted to put my exact requirements out there so I could weed out anyone who wasn’t interested.

I found a website that was mostly text based, rather than just a profile picture with text boxes – Tinder wasn’t going to cut it for finding a soul mate. I’m a writer, and as a writer, I wanted to express myself and my relationship goals. To me, a well worded profile is more effective at introducing two people than a coffee date.

So I sat down and crafted a call for submissions, so to speak. Titled “Not a psycho killer or a scary stalker. Yay!!” I explained what I was looking for: someone who wanted to find their forever partner, who was passionate about what they did in life and would have patience with my long office hours (which I intended on keeping).

I didn’t put a picture. I didn’t describe my looks. This wasn’t about physical attraction, this was about finding my match.

After it went live, I refreshed my inbox to find at least a dozen replies. They just kept coming over the next day or so.

Anyone who wrote more than three sentences got an answer. Anyone who replied with several paragraphs got a date.

One of the first men I met was my age, which made him stand out considering everyone else was at least three years my senior. He had long black hair like Severus Snape and a face that made him look fifteen.

That being said, the date was perfect.

He took me on a historic tour of Chinatown pointing out underground gambling rings and discussing the history of human trafficking. Before meeting up, he’d googled me and read years of blog posts about my travels abroad, learning the things I cared most about. Then we wandered to one of the original pizzerias in NYC, his favorite when he ranked them for a college paper on the subject. He was odd and interesting and I spent the whole date laughing.

NYC dating

As the night was winding down, I asked him where he lived. The answer blew the whole date to bits. He still lived at home. For someone whose main identity revolved around independence, it was a no-go for me.

When we parted ways, he gave me a hug and asked to see me again. I politely let him know that that probably wouldn’t happen.

The next day I continued with the dates, but I found myself comparing other people to that first guy. I texted him despite the standing rejection that I’d issued.

Two weeks later, during a particularly emotional evening, I called him on a whim. He showed up 45 minutes later, the exact time it took to get from his parents house to my apartment.

And in that moment, I let the fate-driven part of love take over. I’d done my job, I searched the entire city for the right person. It turned out that person lived at home deep in Brooklyn, but despite that, he was better than anything I could have hoped for.

Since then he’s cut his Snape-like hair so the world can see his beautiful eyes and at nearly 30, his face looks just as boyish as it did ten years ago. He stands by me through all of my crazy whims and understands that “settled” often means “let’s take our newborn baby to Thailand just because.”

His weird fits mine in a way I never anticipated, and it only took about a thousand dates to find him.

From My First Date to My Last and Everything in Between: What I learned in 15 years of dating

by Kate Oczypokin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

From 13 to 28-years-old, I’ve had 15 years of dating. So, here’s what it has taught me.

My first date ever happened when I was 13 years old. It was a double date to see She’s All That and I remember I was so nervous. Fifteen years later, I had what I hope will be my last first date ever.

Here is my journey of dating, and the lessons I learned and don’t forget that we’re here at LOVE TV to help you to sort through the dating world. Join today. 

She’s All That, 1999

dating life

As soon as I saw the preview for She’s All That, I knew I had to see it. I identified with Rachael Leigh Cook’s nerdy Laney Boggs and the awesome ‘90s soundtrack (hello “Kiss Me”) had me sold.

I called my best friend at the time and we soon orchestrated a double date with two guys we were into. She had turned 14 in December and I was still 13 for another six months.

I remember being so nervous calling the boys to organize the outing and freaking out teenage girl style when they said yes. We were too anxious to order food but we did have slushies and in typical eighth grader fashion, we didn’t even hold hands. We laughed through the movie and I felt myself blushing when I’d accidentally brush my guy’s hand.

When the movie was over, I remember feeling such a relief that it was done. I was happy that my first date was over and I managed to make it a double date at that. It’s fun to think about the shared experience the four of us had that winter in 1999. Firsts are always hard, but when they turn out as fun as this date did, it made me excited for my romantic future.

Prom, 2003

Dating life

Four years later, when prom time came around, I was no longer wishing for romantic dates just like the movies. I went to an all-girls high school which I absolutely adored, but one thing about it bugged me.

I’m not sure if this has changed, but 15 years ago they required us to have a date. I didn’t know very many guys and all I wanted to do was go to prom with my friends. I love laughing at my picture of myself and the date I ended up going with—a friend of a friend I think. He wore a top hat and sported a cane and he was a good six inches shorter than me.

I barely hung out with him during the dance. Instead, I spent the night with my friends, dancing and having fun.

It was nice to know that I could have a good time without having a “date” per se.

Founder’s Day Ball, 2004 and a Late-Night Diner Dinner, 2007

First Dance

Sometimes dates have outcomes you’d expect.

When I started college, I met a great guy who was also from Pittsburgh. Being the naive 18-year-old that I was, I instantly felt a connection that I hoped would become romantic.

I remember calling my sisters the night before the boy and I decided to go to our college’s Founder’s Day Ball. They were giddy with excitement, wondering what the night would bring. Soon enough, I realized we were much, much better as friends and we never actually dated beyond taking each other to things like school dances.

In the meantime, I found a wonderful friend in the process who has shared so many amazing memories with me.

Three years later, I briefly (I’m talking a month and a half) actually dated another man I had become close to during my college years. I remember one night we went out to a late-night dinner at a local diner we loved. I was very forward and flirtatious and remember trying to play footsie under the table and saying things I couldn’t believe were coming out of my mouth.

It was nice to know I had the confidence to be so sure of myself when it comes to matters of the heart. Our dates were fun, innocent and spontaneous—a nighttime trip to Dairy Queen or our local movie theater. However, speaking of matters of the heart, when we broke up it was the first time I felt truly heartbroken. While dating the boy didn’t exactly have the outcome I expected, I ended up becoming great friends with him as well.

Just those few dates with those boys resulted in a friend group that rivaled the Three Musketeers, This is Us’ Big Three, basically any friendship group of three you can think of. Those two boys turned out to be two of my very best, dearest friends. It’s funny to think about the surprising ways life can take you and turn out to be way better than you ever thought.

The most romantic date ever, 2011

chicago couple

While the relationship didn’t turn out with any positives except a story in a local magazine, the one I had in 2011 brought me the most romantic date I’ve ever had. As a self-described hopeless romantic, I thought going to visit my boyfriend while he was away in Chicago was straight out of a movie.

The weekend I was there, he took me to the Navy Pier and as we rode to the top of the Ferris wheel where we shared a passionate kiss. I will always appreciate the date and refer to it as “that one time I felt like I was living in a romantic comedy.”

My first and only blind date, 2012

passionate romantic couple

2012 was a tough year, as it was the year I got laid off due to budget cuts from the newspaper I was working at. While it was tough, it was also a great year because it was the year I met my current boyfriend.

The woman who worked at my apartment building’s front desk was friends with my boyfriend’s coworker, who happened to live in my building. They both agreed we would be good for each other and slipped a Starbucks gift card under my door.

My boyfriend and I met at the Starbucks at the end of my block and ended up chatting for hours. Six years later and we are still together and I’ve got a good feeling that that evening at Starbucks was my last first date.

Dating can be challenging, but so many important life lessons are learned.

Whether it’s getting over the fear of my first date, wishing I didn’t need a date at all, gaining confidence, appreciating romance or finding my forever date, I’ve learned so much with the men I’ve dated. As scary as it is to put yourself out there, it’s totally and completely worth it.

Interested in getting out of a not-so-great date? Check out this piece.

For Graduates Finding Love Might be the Next Step

by Sarah Burrisin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

You did it! You finally made it through those years of tedious classes, papers, dates and breakups and you’re moving on to start your life. So, where do you start?

Make this Your Summer of LOVE: For the next two weeks, you can message Relationship Expert and Founder of LOVE TV Karinna Karsten directly for free as she leads you with interactive tools and tutorials designed to speed up the success of your dating goals.

We know it isn’t easy and you’re ready to start your career off with a bang, but you deserve love too.

To sign up go here now and use special offer code Graduate when you click Start a 7 Day Free Trial.

What’s the catch?

Use this Code Graduate to receive your 14 day trial period on all subscriptions (that’s double our current LOVE TV 7 Day Free offer.)

You do have to add your credit card to get this 14 day offer. If you find the LOVE TV membership valuable for speeding up your relationship goals then do nothing and your 14 day free trial will roll over to a reoccurring LOVE TV subscription that you have chosen at the time you add your Graduate code. You can also cancel at anytime before the 14 days end and your credit card will not be charged. So you have everything to gain and nothing to lose!

Yup, you’ll be messaging through your subscription login directly with Karinna. And no, we won’t share your information with anyone, we’re only here for you.

You’ll also get access to LOVE TV’s premium love and relationship community membership, personal assessment tools and feedback, audio, video tutorials for dating, self love and building a high quality relationship too!

Welcome to Your Summer of LOVE: Learn How to find a date who is seeking a high quality match just like you.

Start Now Graduates!
Offer ends June 21st

Why the Advice “You’ll Find Love When You Stop Looking” Could be More Harmful Than Helpful

by Jillian Pretzelin DATING ADVICE, LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

This cliché line is helping exactly… no one. So why are we still saying it?

When you’re single and looking for love, you’re bound to hear some useless (and cliché) dating advice.

You might be familiar with famous eye-rollers such as: “You just need to get out more” or “Just have fun, don’t overthink it.” Sigh.

But one piece of advice sticks out to me as particularly unhelpful: “You’ll find love when you stop looking.”

Don’t get me wrong, I understand where this idea comes from. After all, it sort of makes sense: if you’re not stressed out about finding love you’ll probably feel more relaxed, conversations will feel less forced, and you might even be more likely to take chances.

But there’s a problem with this “stop looking” logic.

Dr. Pepper Schwartz, a relationship expert (best known for Lifetime’s Married at First Sight), points out that it’s like saying, “You’ll find a job when you’re least looking for it.”

“It’s possible,” she says, “but rarely happens.” She adds that,“For the most part, people who wait for a job are unemployed. For me, it’s just an excuse for being scared to go and put the effort in. Yes, it happens, but no, it’s not a good strategy.”

And sure, maybe one day someone great will fall into your lap: you’ll have instant chemistry, everything in common, and the two of you will live happily ever after. We’ve all heard stories where something like that happens to a friend of a friend, so I guess it’s possible.

But you shouldn’t bet on it.

“You’ll find love when you stop looking” is dumb

People like to say things like “stop looking for love” because trying to find a great relationship is hard and not finding someone after putting yourself out there can be disappointing. You could potentially do everything right: you could introduce yourself to new people, go on dating sites, join clubs, go on blind dates, and still not have that special someone to bring to your cousin’s wedding.

It can be disheartening, scary, and disappointing to be out there looking for love knowing that there are no guarantees when it comes to relationships. Dating can make anyone feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. So, taking a step back and saying “Psh, I’m not even looking for love right now” might seem like a good way to make sure you aren’t disappointed.

But stopping the search isn’t the answer.

In fact, putting yourself out there and setting yourself up for disappointment is part of the whole “relationship” thing. Looking for love and finding is all about leaning into the scary stuff: putting yourself out there, being vulnerable, and taking chances. And that doesn’t end once you get into a relationship.

In fact, it’s usually just the beginning.

I met my fiancé in high school. We’ve been together for almost a decade now and in just a couple months we’ll be getting married. I know how uncommon it is to marry your high school sweetheart (in fact, it’s statistically ridiculous). So, for a long time I thought we were the poster couple for the “you’ll find love when you’re not looking” philosophy.

After all, people were always saying I was so lucky to have found my future husband so early in life. And I am lucky. I’m blessed with a great relationship with an amazing guy, but our relationship isn’t based on luck or chance. We didn’t get to 10 years by accident.

We choose each other.

Happy loving couple

We’ve been together for so long because every day we make the choice to be together. We make ourselves vulnerable every day: taking risks and making compromises. We make plans around each other. We have love because we truly and completely want it, and are willing to work for it.

I like Dr. Pepper Schwartz’s advice because I think that getting into a relationship is a lot like landing an amazing job. To get that job you’re probably going to have to put in a lot of effort: you’ll need to go back to school or get some training. You’re going to need to do some research and improve your skills.

You might even need to update your résumé, get a new suit, and all-around make yourself a good candidate for the job. And if you don’t get one job, it could be embarrassing or disheartening, but soon you’ll find a new one and you’ll apply for that too.

But the important thing is that it doesn’t get easier once you finally do get hired. It’s really only then when the real work starts. That’s when you have to start making compromises, focusing more time on your career, and working hard to make the relationship…I mean job… great.

You can’t be afraid to do all the things you need to do to find a partner, because that same stuff is required to maintain the relationship. This idea that singles should stop looking, that they’ll get more out of trying less is only setting people up for disappointment and bad relationships… and that isn’t fair.

Like I said, when you’re single, you’re going to get all kinds of bad advice. But the idea of trying less is probably one of the worst.

Maybe there is no great advice that works for everyone, no magic words of wisdom to guarantee everyone exactly the relationship they want. But, I’ve found that if you can take the risks and do the work to find someone special, you’ll be ready for the relationship, and the love, you deserve.

Tradition and Dating: What I Learned about Happily Ever After

by Kate Oczypokin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Being a self-professed traditionalist in dating may not be the correct way to describe myself after all.

All my life my family teased me about how much I valued tradition. Whether it was holidays or dating or following certain etiquette rules, I always placed a lot of value on certain customs. Little did I know, maybe I’m a little more modern than I think.

Here is my journey of being a traditionalist in the world of dating:

The value of a title

These days, most people date casually or just hook up and don’t worry about titles. Some don’t even bother with getting married. I always wished for the marriage and kids thing and when I was young, while watching sitcoms like Full House and later dramas like Dawson’s Creek, I always wanted a boyfriend.

Fast forward to years later. I didn’t date anyone in high school so college was my first experience learning what I wanted in a relationship. I ended up getting into a very brief relationship with one of my best friends. We are still close today which is really nice. What’s even nicer is the way he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was romantic, innocent and one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me.

It was our senior year of high school and I had just moved out of a hellish suite situation into a double room with a roommate who was never there. I was watching Mona Lisa Smile in my room just relaxing on a Saturday night. I suddenly looked down at my (dating myself here) Motorola RAZR and saw a text from a friend that my male friend was in her room, nervously eating chicken nuggets and sipping vodka. With a slight push and support from her, he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend.

Cue Laura Linney in Love, Actually (fast forward to about 2:07 in that clip to know what I mean) laying there in my uncomfortable dorm twin bed. My friend took so long to work up the guts to ask me to be his girlfriend that I got almost entirely through Mona Lisa Smile again.

He finally walked in and didn’t say a word, just putting in the Phantom of the Opera movie remake, fast forwarding to the “All I Ask of You” scene. After that, he put in my worn When Harry Met Sally DVD, fast forwarding to the last scene where Harry professes his love to Sally, saying things like “I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich.” I suppose he saw us as Harry and Sally at that point in our lives, and knowing it’s my favorite movie of all time, he ran with it.

After that, he asked me to be his girlfriend and we kissed for a long time, eventually falling asleep after talking all night. I woke up and was nearly late for church the next morning, but I couldn’t stop smiling.

Moving forward another few years, I met my current boyfriend. After having a first date at Starbucks and more wonderful dinner dates at our respective apartments, I was out covering a lunch for my former job working for a newspaper.

Things were quite typical of the lunches I covered and I was getting a little bored and restless. I felt my phone vibrate in my purse and reached down to check it. I saw a text from my boyfriend that read: “I had a great time last night.” I smiled and responded: “Me too.” He wrote back, “You know what I was just thinking?” I quickly typed back a question mark, careful not to be too conspicuous. He wrote back: “That I have the best girlfriend ever.” He included a smiley face at the end.

I don’t remember much else of that day, nor anything about that lunch, but I will always remember it was May 10, 2012 and once again, I couldn’t stop smiling.

Call me old-fashioned…

the role of tradition in dating

I’ve always thought how cool it would be to save myself until marriage. I am a huge sucker for those old Notebook-esque couples who have only one sexual partner—each other. To me at least, there’s just such a beauty and pure romance to it all. Not that I don’t mind if others have more than one partner, I am a strong component of the phrase “You do you.” I just know that for me, it’s always something I thought I want to do.

I still have managed to save myself for marriage. My boyfriend, who also grew up with similar values, has been fully and completely respectful of my decision and thinks it’s pretty cool if we make it. While we’re working on the next step of our relationship, I honestly am happy I didn’t give in and go for it with some guys—guys like this one who walked me back to my apartment after a date and suggested an after dinner drink.

I mixed us drinks and as we got about halfway through them, he went for it and tried to start going hot and heavy. I knew exactly where it was going and I quickly wriggled my way out from underneath him. I explained that I’d at least like to get to know him first before having sex, a standard I knew I had at least wanted to hold onto, no matter how much I fell for a guy.

He left hurriedly and ultimately ghosted me. I am relieved I didn’t give in and just go for it because I knew I’d regret it.

Then there’s another guy I dated for about six months. He never wanted to meet my family and when I went to visit him in Chicago for a weekend, he didn’t want to be in any photos. It was like I went on a weekend trip with myself. The only evidence I have of him there is a faint reflection of him in my sunglasses as he snapped my photo on a boat.

While I definitely “did” more with him than the first guy, I am glad I didn’t go any further. He clearly didn’t love me and that was fine. I’m just lucky I realized it early on, and got some pizza in the process.

These times were two instances I could honestly say that I am glad I call myself a traditionalist.
…Or Maybe Not

Lovers having a romantic walk

After mapping out how I wanted to write this essay, I realized that maybe I am not so traditional after all. For someone who places so much value on the steps from when you first meet someone to marriage, I moved in with my boyfriend after dating for just a year. After a lot (and I mean a lot) of decision-making, I had a good gut feeling about the move. I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do, tradition or not.

Also, I realized how untraditional our actual relationship is. As much as I would like to get married someday, when people ask if I’m happy, I can honestly say I am. We’ve got a nice little family going on, with my boyfriend and our elderly English bulldog. That’s a lot more than most people have, which often reminds me just how much I get the warm and fuzzy feeling when the three of us are spending a cozy Saturday night together on the couch. It’s comfortable, it’s easy and it’s romantic in its own way. I realize now that happily ever after doesn’t necessarily mean engaged, married, babies—it could be a far less traditional decades-long relationship, dogs and a whole lot of Netflixing on the couch.

While thinking about this topic, I had the realization that what’s important is making sure you’re happy. Who cares what others think when it comes to your relationship, whether you’re traditional or completely out there (a Charlotte or Samantha, if you may). Most of us are in that nice in-between sweet spot anyway.

Happy dating!

Interested in learning more about dating in the modern age? Check out this piece, a talk with LOVE TV’s Karinna Karsten.

I’m Not Dreaming Of A Summer Fling This Year (And I’m OK With That)

by Ola Faletiin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS, Sex

The joys of summer extend beyond romance.

It’s hard not to romanticize summer. I hail from Chicago, where the winters last six months, and the first 90 degree days of the season have everyone wistful. We’re eager to break out a cold beer on a stoop, and excited to indulge in hormonal urges.

Some of us, newly single, decide we’re going to be adventurous this summer. The rest of us, long single, dust off our dating profiles on the quest for a summer fling.

I fell into the latter camp. Summer always seemed to bring out a new resolve: I’m going to have amazing sex. This body is too young, soft and supple to not be appreciated by someone else.

Two summers ago I discovered a new-found freedom in going on dates, meeting new people, and enjoying the physical experience before moving on. I didn’t want that summer to end. I’m sure I did other notable things that summer, but when all was said and done I thought, “Yes! Flings are what summer is about. I’m taking full advantage of my youth!”

Summer fun

Last summer, I did no such thing. The summer began with a tryst with a longtime friend, followed by lots of weird sexual tension. And, being 1000% honest with myself, I’d hoped it would become more than a one-time thing.

I entertained the thought of a summer-long friends-with-benefits type of deal. Instead I got lots of broken expectations, mixed signals, and poor communication. Things only worsened when this “friend” left me very drunk at a concert, so intoxicated I woke up in a hospital the next day.

Summer love isn’t a unique phenomenon. There are films, books, songs, beers, 60s counterculture movements and New York Times articles devoted to the topic. I wonder why nothing captivates public attention like the promise of a summer romance.

It could be that the weather puts everyone in a better mood. People are leaving their homes more, people are bearing more skin. Maybe we are more gung-ho about meeting new people and going on new adventures.

There’s nothing wrong with being excited for summer flings. They can be fun, exhilarating, and offer a new perspective. It’s only a problem when you build a summer fling to be the pinnacle of your summer.

For me, last summer’s “fling gone awry” is what I remember the most. Not the other amazing things that happened – like the fact that I received a significant promotion at my job, or that I was starting to get freelance assignments for the first time. I was even published in a book!

It was learning that someone I considered a good friend, at some point, is actually not the best person. The goals I achieved that summer were dwarfed by my cocktail of negative emotions surrounding that situation. It’s silly to give someone else the power of “messing up your summer,” so I’m not going to do that this year. This year will be amazing!

single summer fun

I’m not discouraging anyone from being excited about hookup or romance potential, but I am encouraging everyone to be excited about other opportunities for personal growth. Make some exciting travel plans. Take a new class, learn more about your professional industry. Embark on a personal project for fun. Read more books. Make goals for yourself and earnestly work toward them.

These are things you can control. Love and romance — not so much. That’s what makes love and romance exciting, but that’s also what can make it stressful.

There are many things I am looking forward too this summer. Such as: creating a business plan for the first time, going to some street festivals, taking full advantage of my new apartment’s proximity to the beach, working on long-abandoned essays, traveling to see childhood friends, and overall, making the best of my last three months of being 25.

If a fling happens, it happens. But there’s no way I’ll let my summer fulfillment depend on who I’m with or not with between the sheets.

Happy summer everyone! Don’t forget, LOVE TV is here to help with advice on all of your summer romances and help you find love for the summer and forevermore. Join LOVE TV today!

How to Decide if You Should Stay Together (or Break Up) After Graduation

by Jillian Pretzelin DATING ADVICE, LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Lots of couples call it quits after school is over, but that doesn’t mean that you have to. So, what graduation mean for your relationship?

The time just after graduation is exciting, challenging, and completely terrifying. You’re heading out into the world with a fresh new degree, wild dreams, and, if you’re like me, tons of important organic chemistry knowledge that you’ll definitely forget in just a few months.

In your post-grad life, you’re going to learn new things about yourself, likely struggle professionally, find new dreams, and definitely grow as a person. And with all those changes and challenges, it can be complicated to keep a relationship going strong.

Which is why graduation time means cutting ties for so many couples.

Often, high school and college sweethearts find themselves splitting because of distance (maybe one of them moves to another state, or country). But a lot of times people break up because they grow apart emotionally.

But that’s OK. You’re bound to change and grow into yourself in the time after graduation, and that often means new relationship needs.

However, it doesn’t mean it’s impossible to stay together, either.

Personally, I’ve gone through three graduations with my fiancé: we went to high school together, stayed together through college (even going to different schools), and I just recently I finished up my masters degree just months before our wedding. And while some periods of our lives were more challenging than others, we were able to grow together (instead of growing apart) and our relationship worked out in the long run.

Sometimes, the hardest part of juggling love and life after graduation is just knowing when to try to keep a relationship going and when to simply part as friends.

Here are some things to consider when thinking about your relationship after graduation. And don’t forget, we’re here to help when you have relationship questions or just want to cut through the challenges of the dating world. We’re offering a special membership to new graduates as well. Use the code Graduate to receive your 14 day trial period on all subscriptions (that’s double our current LOVE TV 7 Day Free offer.)

1. Do you feel like you have room to grow?

coupl studying together at college

I knew a couple at my university who seemed like the perfect childhood sweethearts. They were so cute that Topanga and Cory from “Boy Meets World” would have seriously been put to shame.

They’d been together since middle school and seemed to be so compatible. They were interested in the same things (like acting classes and soccer), made the same friends, and seemed to be so in love with each other.

Which is why I was so confused when they broke up. One day they were sitting together with our friend group in the cafeteria at lunch, the next they were on opposite sides of the dining room, avoiding eye contact.

Then, to make things even stranger, they both started hanging out with new people and joining new clubs. She joined a sorority and spent her time going to parties and planning weekend trips to the beach. Meanwhile, he started getting really into law, joined the mock trial team, and started interning at the governor’s office. They both found new friend groups, stopped going to soccer games, and I never saw either of them taking a theatre class again.

At first, I thought they were trying to distract themselves from a hard breakup, trying new things and experimenting to keep from feeling sad. But eventually, I learned that this wasn’t just a phase, they were just both growing… in separate directions.

People change and grow, and sometimes being in a relationship can stall you from trying new things. If you two have something in common, you might devote more time to whatever that is, rather than exploring whatever really calls to you. While successful couples can figure out how to balance their own interests with their partner’s, sometimes people just need some room to grow by themselves.

Never feel like you have to compromise your interests, or your opportunity to find yourself, to maintain a relationship. If you feel like you need some room to grow, on your own, give yourself that time.

2. Are you worried about missing out on other love interests?

making new friends in college

Johnny Depp once said that “if you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.” I think that his idea is true, even if you haven’t met that second person yet.

When I was starting college (with a committed relationship), a friend asked if I was worried about missing out on dating hot college guys. I honestly was not. In fact, I hadn’t even thought about it. I was satisfied with my relationship and didn’t want to date anyone else. Being on a new campus, around new people, wasn’t going to change that.

But, I was also very lucky. I found my future husband early and I knew where I wanted the relationship to go. Not many people have that kind of relationship in high school.

If the idea of a whole new world with lots of cute singles sounds enticing, it’s probably because (maybe even subconsciously) you know that your current partner isn’t going to be the love of your life. You deserve a relationship that makes you certain that you’re not missing out on anything, and if you don’t have that already, maybe now is your chance to start looking.

3. Is your love circumstantial?

should you stay together after graduation

We’ve all had friendships out of convenience: those friends that you feel so close to, until you don’t have to see them every day. There’s that friend that you love hanging out with at work, but as soon as you switch jobs, you never see them again. Or the pal you hang out with all the time during ultimate frisbee practice, but once the season is over, you realize you don’t actually have much in common.

Many casual relationships, especially in high school and college, are often formed out of convenience. You might start dating someone because they live in your dorm building or you take classes together. And with them always nearby, you might stay in the relationship because it’s easy.

Now, I’m not saying that you can’t meet your future spouse in a class, because you absolutely can (I did!) but there’s a whole great big world of people out there. You shouldn’t settle for that convenient relationship because it’s easy and comfortable, there could be a greater love out there waiting for you.

A good trick is to ask yourself if you would still be together if you lived an hour away from them, or two hours. You’ll know right away if you should try to keep the relationship together, or if you should part ways.

4. How much time are you willing to spend with them?

should you stay together after graduation

Every weekend in college, either my fiancé (then boyfriend) or I would drive the 45 minutes to the other’s school to spend time together. While I loved getting to see him so often, I can’t say it was always easy to make the time. I had to work extra hard on weeknights to finish as much homework as I could before I drove up to see him, and there were definitely a number of events and parties at school that I had to skip.

No matter what exciting thing you do next, whether it’s more school or a great new career, know that a relationship is a time commitment and your relationship has to be a priority in order to succeed.

If that time spent with your significant other doesn’t feel worth missing out on something else (or if you feel like you don’t have the time to devote to maintaining a relationship) it’s probably time to move on to what’s next.

5. What do you really want to accomplish in this next phase of life? Will your partner help or hurt you in achieving your goal?

should we stay together after graduation

Graduation often means new adventures and new goals, and if your plans don’t align with your partner’s, it might be hard to move forward. For example, if you’re dreaming of moving to Japan, but your partner wants you both to get a job locally, you might find yourself giving up on a dream.

It’s a good idea to make a list of what you want to do in the next few years, and have your partner do the same. Keep in mind that you shouldn’t necessarily break up if your lists don’t fit together absolutely perfectly right now. Plans almost always change and even if you are confident in your list now, you might change your mind down the road.

The important thing is that you’re able to work together to make sure you both get what you want, compromise when you can, and work as a team in the long run. If you don’t think you can do that, or your paths are too different, it’s best to talk about that now.

6. Do you picture yourself with your partner forever?

getting married after graduation

Sometimes, it’s good to date simply for fun. You could be seeing someone who is really cool and interesting, but that doesn’t exactly mean you see yourself marrying that person. At different phases in life you might want something different out of your relationships, and if right now all you need is a casual date to hang out with on a Friday night, that’s OK!

But, making a relationship last post-graduation can be hard work. You don’t want to go through all that trouble for someone you don’t see yourself having a meaningful (and long) relationship with. Simply ask yourself if you want to be with this person a year from now, or perhaps two years from now. Hopefully you’ll know your answer right away.

 

These six questions are sure to give any graduate a lot to think about. Just remember that graduation may be one of the craziest but most exciting times of your entire life, and navigating your love life on top of that can be a challenge for anyone. Hopefully, this list will help you realize the best path for your relationship, and set your love life up for success!

And don’t forget, we’re offering a special membership to new graduates as well. Use the code Graduate to receive your 14 day trial period on all subscriptions (that’s double our current LOVE TV 7 Day Free offer.)

Should Polyamorous Couples Be Welcome During Pride Month?

by Lacey McKennain DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS, Sex, SEX TIPS

Big strides have been made in acceptance of alternative relationship styles but there’s still work to be done.

There’s an old joke in which someone (usually a child) says the alphabet and leaves out the letter P, prompting someone else to ask “Where’s the P?” This of course gives the child a reason to declare “running down my leg” in a fit of giggles.

But during this wonderful month of LGBTQ Pride, I too am wondering “Where’s the P?” Where are the polyamorous in all this celebration of love in all its varieties?

And don’t forget, if you’re struggling with relationship challenges or working on finding the right person, we’re here to help. Join LOVE TV today!

Progress Made

Many (though certainly not all) of those who fall outside the traditional, heteronormative spectrum have found acceptance. The amount of progress made on this front in the last 15 years is staggering (though this is not meant to ignore the places where there is still work to be done).. But those of us who are polyamorous still do not have even this level of acceptance.

Should polyamorous relationships be welcome at LGBT pride

How Did I Get Here?

I remarked the other day that I find it interesting that of my high school besties, all of whom happen to be either gay or bi, now have lifestyles that are more accepted than mine. The four of us had wonderful adventures after school and during the summer. Now it’s mumble mumble (don’t make me add it up) years later and we all lead different, happy lives. One is a lesbian couple, married with a beautiful child, another is a fun-loving gay man who wouldn’t be caught dead at a Mardi Gras party without a costume, and the third has been dating both men and women for years.

None of us would have predicted that I would be the one hiding my romantic proclivities. A few close friends know my husband and I are polyamorous but we are selective in who we tell. Even some friends who do know would be made uncomfortable if we talked openly of our Other Significant Others.

From the outside, my marriage looks like everyone else’s. We get up, go to work, and commute home like most people in their 30’s. Except that my day might end with my staying the night with a great guy who isn’t my husband. My husband knows where I am and every one is quite happy with the situation.

Sure there are stories of this “thruple” or that “thruple” but these are still viewed as oddities and in most cases are not legally binding marriages. I know it’s inevitable that I’ll run into a coworker or family friend while out on a date someday. They will likely assume I am cheating on my husband as anything else is actually unthinkable. Happily if they happen to be judgy they aren’t the kind of person whose opinion I would value anyway.
Let’s Celebrate

Should polyamorous relationships be welcome at LGBT pride

If “Love is love” (and indeed it is), why is it so different if it’s more than two?

As we saw very clearly demonstrated with gay and lesbian acceptance, once people realize a friend or family member is part is this “other” group it becomes harder to hate that group and easier to have a productive conversation about our differences and commonalities.

As Poly individuals “come out” we’ll begin to see more acceptance and understanding. I would love it if my friends knew that my guy friend and drinking buddy is actually my boyfriend and I love him dearly.

Read more in our A Beginner’s Guide To Ethical Non Monogamous Relationships.

10 Ways to Keep your Self-Esteem High While You’re Dating

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Sometimes dating can be a challenge. But we’ve got some simple ideas that will transform you from emotionally drained to warrior of love, guaranteed!

Dating can be really hard on the emotional self-worth even when you’re in a good, healthy place. Why? Because meeting people is freaking hard, and connecting with people? Even harder.

In the same vein, there are 5 billion reasons why a date can go poorly, just like there are 5 billion reasons why a date can go well, and yet as humans we privilege the negative…clouding our brains with why she didn’t call, what did I do wrong, am I not attractive enough, etc.

It’s not up to you to try and “solve” rejection or confusion behavior; no, it’s up to you to keep on keeping on, the gorgeous emotional warrior of love that you are. The key is keeping that self-esteem high so you can enjoy dating, and not feel bogged down by it.

You can do just that by following these 10 fun and easy ways to feel like a million bucks while you get your dating game on…and beyond! And don’t forget, we’re here to help you find love. Join LOVE TV and we’ll help make your dating life more efficient.

Keep your eye on the prize

dating self-esteem

Know what you’re looking for. Write it down. Stick to it. So if someone is being shady, flaky or confusing and is acting or communicating against your dating goals, you will have the power and the boundaries to say no to the situation. Sure, I like tomatoes, but if my goal is to make a cake I won’t make excuses for adding tomatoes to the recipe.

Dating someone who doesn’t fit your goals is exactly the same! Also, it’s easier on our brains to be like “he didn’t fit in MY plan” and let somebody go, then wonder why they didn’t want to fit into ours. You’ll be well on the way to a delicious relationship cake, my friends.

Follow the feel good.

What feels good? What feels sexy? What makes you feel happy? When you’re dating, try to pile on as many feel-good elements as possible to make the whole process fun.

Have a power song to listen to while you Tinder? Listen. Like a certain top? Wear it a bunch. Like a bar? Go there for dates. Enjoy making name puns when you put dates into your iphone? Clark-scared-of-the-dark probably doesn’t but who cares, it makes YOU laugh. Everything that makes you feel good in the process is a great thing.

Try the four-man-plan.

dating and flirting and keeping your self-esteem

I know this is tricky, but the more people in the mix the better, because the less you’ll care when someone acts poorly or against your dating goals. My pal calls this the “4 man plan,” and swears by it. You’ll be so used to juggling people- good and bad, that things won’t phase you at all. And when you’re above it, busy and enjoying yourself, you’re also at your most desirable!

Keep yourself busy.

self-esteem while dating

This is simple but an idle brain can go bad places! Keep busy in your life, in dating (see 4 man plan) and in everything you enjoy, and time will pass quickly. You won’t even notice when a guy doesn’t text you…or does.

Try using the “sexy selfie strategy.”

A picture of a sexy woman lying on sofa and taking selfie
A picture of a sexy woman lying on sofa and taking selfie

I like dressing up for dates, and I do it well. I have a ritual: after I get done up and before the date, I take a couple sexy selfies to “Formation,” and channel my inner Beyonce. Sure, it’s basic, but it makes me feel good. Whatever happens on the date- now you have a pic looking hot, confident and can channel that (or post on Insta) any time you need!

Think about memorizing some key quotes

Although they might seem cheesy, the brain LOVES succinct phrases in repetition. I love the phrase “look at him and look at YOU” as a motivator before I go out on dates, after I go out, and everything in between. Pick a couple phrases that strike you as empowering and write them in a place you can see them every day. Let that sink in…and the rest will be fabulousness.

Remind yourself: “I’m going to have fun!”

young couple having fun

Before every date- no matter how I feel- I say “I’m going to have fun” or “dating is fun” ten times, out loud. And LOUD, people. Reminding yourself that you are fun, dating is fun, and this whole wild n’ crazy experience should be fun is super, super important. No better way than out-loud repetition in that “fake it till you make it” school of thought to really drive the sentiment home!

Don’t forget to find the funny.

finding the funny in dating

Much like follow the feel good, follow the funny is something that should also get privilege. Keeping in touch with how wild and silly dating is-and having a sense of humor about it- is so incredibly important to finding humanity in others and weathering the meet-ups strung together that become our dating life. Relax! Don’t take it too seriously! It isn’t life or death, just life or vodka sodas, people.

You can even bring a friend in on the fun.

double date

This one’s my favorite. You see, if you keep your friends abreast of your dating life and cute people who might be a part of it, they’re invested. Which means you have an enthusiastic and hopefully fun sounding board for all the trials and travails of dating. Also, they probably know YOU and your preferences better than you do, which means a whole lot of opinions, levity and camaraderie.

Go work out.

Working out to build your self-esteem

Go work out. A lot. It releases serotonin and other various brain chemicals that will definitely make you feel fit, alive and relaxed. It’ll also boost your energy so you can run to more places to booze with attractive people. Seriously, it can only HELP! Now get out there and date, you beautiful people, you!

Dating can be a challenge and it can get old and tired after a while, but using some of these tips, you can persevere! And if you’re looking for experts who can help you target your search, join LOVE TV today!

My Dating and Relationship History Plays like a Spotify List

by Kate Oczypokin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Sometimes, my dating and relationships history reads like a Spotify playlist.

From Mariah Carey’s “Butterfly” in seventh grade to Bruno Mars’ “Just the Way You Are” and everything in between, songs in my life have the power to transport me to romantic memories both good and bad. Music has such a nostalgic quality in our lives that I set out to examine it when it comes to love.

Here is my journey of songs that mean a lot to me.

“Butterfly” by Mariah Carey

kate oczypokRemember in The Notebook when all it took was the memory of the piano for Allie to have just a glimpse of the past? There are hints that music can help dementia patients remember, as this article states. For most of us with healthy brains, the article quotes a professor of neurology saying that music is a “very, very vivid way of reanimating memories.”

Cue 20 years ago, during a seventh grade dance. Before fast Internet and iPhones, junior high dances were the place to be. I had gotten all dolled up in my best butterfly clips and Lane Bryant jeans and brightly colored shirt and hoped my crush would dance with me. Miraculously, later that night he approached me during a song I could only identify as Mariah Carey’s voice. After having to ask the DJ the name of the song, I figured out it was called “Butterfly.”

Needless to say, I spent the rest of junior high completely obsessed with butterflies. I wouldn’t let my parents tear down the ugly ‘70s butterfly print wallpaper in my room from the old owners in our house. I was drawn to every t-shirt that had butterflies on it. My first email address was butterflygrl11@hotmail.com. I was so obsessed with the memories of a song that I tried to hold onto it as much as I could.

The following year, I found out that my crush had just asked me to be nice—he really didn’t have any interest in me. I was devastated back then, but now I always look back on those “butterfly years” fondly.

“Let it Be” by The Beatles

let it be

This one still has a bit of mixed emotions as far as memories. I was visiting an ex-boyfriend in Chicago one summer and after a night at the Navy Pier, he asked if I wanted to head back to his apartment to watch fireworks. He was in a gorgeous rental that his parents had found for him with floor to ceiling windows. I of course agreed, imagining the spectacular view of the pier from his window.

We tore off our sweaty clothes, still damp from the humid July air. As I snuggled into his bed in my underwear, he asked if I wanted some music on. I said sure, why not? We were listening to The Beatles when all of the sudden the sky just lit up in beautiful color. Listening to “Let it Be” that night while the fireworks exploded from the pier in front of us was absolute perfection. Everytime I hear that song I think of this moment, then later, another moment comes to life.

That same boyfriend had just broken up with me. I was working at a Starbucks near Capitol Hill in between covering events for my old job. “Let it Be” came on their radio and I remember tears just coming and coming. I was unhappy that I was newly single on top of being stressed about the uncertainty of whether or not I’d have my job in the next six months.

This song contradicts a finding in a BBC article that its often pop music that brings back memories from times in our lives. While The Beatles are arguably pop, they were purposefully put on by someone, making it more of what the article calls a “reminiscence bump.” Classic hits take us back to our teens and 20s, especially important times in our lives. This makes sense, given I was 26 at the time.

“Forever” by Chris Brown

Chris Brown’s personal life aside, I’ve loved the song ever since The Office parodied the original viral video in their Jim and Pam wedding episode. While this song doesn’t evoke any romantic dating or relationships stories, it always makes me recall when my two best friends and I would get together to watch The Office on Thursday nights.

Sometimes my boyfriend and their girlfriends would join us, or we’d extend the group to other friends. More often than not, it was just the three of us. It was a time in my life I felt protected and loved by two very good friends. There was no drama, it was just the three of us, 20-somethings about to conquer the world. Oh and side note—I also still really miss The Office.

“Just the Way You Are” by Bruno Mars

just the way you are

This is one of my more recent musical memories. My current boyfriend and I had just celebrated our first anniversary and we were at the wedding of two of my best friends. It was a magnificently romantic night at one of Washington, D.C.’s most splendid buildings. We were out on the dance floor, him doing what I like to call “the white man’s overbite” (thanks When Harry Met Sally!) and me laughing with friends. When Bruno Mars’ “Just the Way You Are” came on, we both looked at each other as couples started pairing off. We found each other and started slow dancing. I remember hanging on every word Bruno sang that night and as we were forehead to forehead, I secretly hoped that our wedding would be next.

Moving Forward

It looks like recalling memories through music won’t be a phenomenon that’s going away anytime soon. In June 2018, the Grammy Museum announced they would award $200,000 in grants to 14 recipients in the U.S. and Canada for research and support on topics like how neural integration through music helps long-term memory.

What are some of your favorite songs from your past?

Want to read more on music and love? Check out this piece about the benefits music has on sex.

 

The 4 Essential Photos You NEED on your Dating Apps

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

The Fab Four Of Online Dating Pics: Know Them. Love Them. Use Them.

In all my years of dating and coaching, I’ve developed many rules that have helped clients (and myself) sail the tumultuous waters of the online dating world. There’s one rule, however, that I believe so wholeheartedly and never deviate from (and has always found the highest success when in use). The rule? That you only need FOUR photos on any online dating platform or app. Just four. No More, no less. This holy quad showcases exactly who you are and shows the most important facets of you. Like many parts of dating, too much or too little can often hurt your case. But four pics? Four pics are just enough! So what are they? I lovingly call them: the Showstopper, The Wedding Party, The Politician and Dr. Interesting.

The Showstopper

Smiling gorgeous Asian girl

This is the photo of you looking amazing, closely cropped (but not too close- mid-section to face preferred, nobody needs to see any pores) to showcase that beautiful mug of yours. This photo should be CURRENT, have you looking like yourself, in good lighting and if not smiling, at least seeming playful, mysterious or sexy. And if we’re being honest (as I hope we are!) this photo really does do most of the heavy lifting, and should be the photo of you that people see first. This can definitely be a selfie so you have control…but try to make it a subtle selfie. Nothing filtered, softened, duckface-y, blurry, or obviously taken from your friend’s futon. Actors, beware: while you’re made up and looking good in a headshot, NONE OF YOUR DATING APP PHOTOS SHOULD BE HEADSHOTS. Mmmkay? Thanks byeeee.

The Wedding Party

Stylish bridesmaids having fun

Another incredible asset that not many people use is the wedding photo! In these photos, you’re often looking great, all dressed up, having fun and being your badass self. And the best part? They are usually taken by someone who knows what they’re doing (aka a professional photographer!). That means that the angles are good, the lighting is on point and the photographer is super aware of what the subject is doing/how they’re looking. Often, this is the photo I say to use to showcase your body (a body shot- crucial!) but it isn’t necessary. Just don’t use a wedding photo that remotely suggest that YOU are getting married…as one might guess, that will backfire. Don’t have a wedding photo? A picture at a party with friends works, too!

The Politician

Stylish bridesmaids having fun

This is the photo that says, “hey, I have pals and people like me! See?” It can and often is your “body shot” to show people what your whole bod looks like. The Politician is the photo with a couple close pals, having brunch, hanging with your niece, etc.” Men generally have these photos but fall into a common mistake- having ALL politicians, Politician photo as Showstopper or having The Politician photo with too many people in it. While we want to know you’re social and fun, we also don’t want to have to pick you out of a lineup of 30. Keep it to 15 people or less, please; preferably just a few people who are the same attractiveness level, so as not to take attention away from you. Animal photos will also work for the Politician slot (an animal-friendly person is in my mind, just as good as a people-friendly one).

Dr. Interesting

blonde lady climbing on the rock

So you’ve got a great close up, a fun flattering wedding photo and a photo with pals. Now, you need that niche photo: that photo showcasing something you love to do, a place you love to be, preferably performing an activity that is distinctly you! For example, if you like rock climbing, it could be you at a climbing gym or on a summit (also a very flattering body shot). Or, if you love to cook, how about a picture of you doing your thing in the kitchen, smiling ear-to-ear? Ideally, it’ll be easy to get these photos because you’ll actually be doing these things on the reg. Just don’t mislead with your Dr. Interesting: don’t put a hiking pic in if you hate to hike (and no matter how good your hair looks). As a note: Dr. Interesting can often be combined with others or be a form of the other photos. For example: if you are a nurse and you have a photo of yourself and two nurse friends, it does double duty!

Now get to snapping- and dating, people!

I Went on a Date Every Day of the Week. Here’s What I Learned.

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

7 Dates in 7 Days? I’m older, wiser (and exhausted).

Monday was Dr. Corey from Bumble. Tuesday was Grant, a setup from a fellow comedian. Wednesday was Kevin, a super hot Tinder dude from Chicago. Thursday was Chris, another Tinder guy who worked in Marketing. Friday was writer James AND creative director Logan, a Bumble & Bumble. Saturday was Sean, a guy I met at a local bar. Sunday, I rested. JK! Sunday was a coffee date with a producer. I work for YOU!

So, in the spirit of sex, romance and everything in-between, here are seven things I’ve learned about people (especially myself) after going on seven dates in seven nights (and sometimes more). You’re welcome!

Drinking Dates Are Great (But Be Careful)

romantic dinner

According to doctors and any non-alcoholic, I drank way too much last week. Way too much. And no, it was not healthy. I’m a big fan of the happy hour date (cheap, and I love a cocktail to ease any awkwardness) but if you’re going to date a ton, stagger those date activities! I’m a gal who can definitely handle her booze, and even I was negotiating what I’ll lovingly call “Pinot Fatigue” by Thursday.

Be Aware Of Repeating Yourself (Or Forgetting What You Said)

Couple Dating

There’s so much backstory and chat built into a date- when you meet, when you text, the lead up, the conversation after- if you’re going on a bunch of dates all at once or just one every once in a while, review your text chain before you meet up to make sure you know exactly what they know about you, and what you know about them. Believe me, it can be embarrassing when you say, “So, what was it like growing up in Jersey?” When they’re from the Bay Area. Cool move, Rebecca. Cool move.

Be Thorough About Hygiene

Beautiful woman standing at the shower. is washing her hair.

I know you’d do that anyway, but when you’re meeting a bunch of new people in such little time, you’ll want to be hyper-vigilant about this. Depending on who you are, you probably wear makeup, or product, or something when you go on a date. Well, if you’re going on one date a day, you’re going to be doing a lot of prepping, making up, eyelining, cologne-ing, etc. So it’s really, really important to shower regularly and make sure you get ALL the makeup off upon the conclusion of your evening. Nobody likes to show up to a date with the person looking raggedy AF. Am I right?

The Blowout Is Your Friend

Young man paying a compliment beautiful woman

That being said, one distinct hair style for dates will cut your anxiety-laden prep time in half! I’d suggest a blowout or a flattering go-to ‘do to have in your back pocket (mine was wavy, my hair’s natural texture, with a cute, high ponytail) so it’s one element of the date you just don’t have to think about or roll the dice with. There are lots of decisions to be made on dates- place, time, how many drinks, what to wear, if you should drive…your hairstyle doesn’t have to be one of them!

Dating Is Expensive (Even With Gender Norms In Place)

Young man and woman drinking something at a cafe

I’m definitely a pay-my-way kind of gal, and while most of the men I went on dates with paid, there was definitely a financial cost to this “experiment.” Drinks, some of the time, of course. And food after you got a little too drunk (cough cough, Bumble & Bumble Friday, cough cough), and gas if you’re driving across town or worse, taking Lyft, Uber or a Taxi. There’s also data charges on calls if a date is really into texting (though admittedly that was less of a concern than my 3 am Taco Bell run). So if you’re going to date and not go full diva by demanding the other person pays or always drives your neck of the woods, prepare to take a hit to the ‘ol Wells Fargo.

The Cream Will Rise To The Top

couple picnic date

When you’re dating a bunch of people, it’s really, really easy to compare conversation, humor, behavior, attractiveness and kindness. You’ll know right away which people are worthy of a second date much better if you’re dating a LOT, and if they’re proactive enough to keep the momentum going. Keep inventory of this! Don’t second guess your gut. You have many options when you’re going on seven dates in a week or some such crazy dating binge (who would do that? An insane person!). In this case more than others, you should never feel desperate. Ever. People are everywhere and you, my friend, are a queen!

People Love Questions

Cute Couple Feeling Curious While Choosing Some Desserts

If the date is going super well or becoming a trainwreck (that was hyperbolic, I mean, if it’s REALLY going that badly, just leave!), a quick way to not feel horrifically awkward is ask questions. Turns out, people love this, it always keeps the convo going and it will take you from treading water conversationally to back into the game. It’s a no-fail way to seem desirable, social and in control. Sexy qualities, grasshopper!