Tag: Marriage

Ever Heard of Walking Marriage and the Last Matrilineal Society in the World?

by zfortadminin LOVE
mosuo women
“The water is clear and clean and the surroundings are peaceful and beautiful – it’s perfect”: Mosuo women row across Lugu Lake in a traditional canoe made of driftwood. Photograph: Luca Locatelli

Two women row a canoe made of driftwood across a lake, their eyes fixed on a destination in the distance. The woman in the foreground bites her bottom lip with determination. There’s a steeliness in her expression that says she’s done this many times before.

In a series of exceptional photographs, Italian photographer Luca Locatelli spent a month documenting the lives of the Mosuo tribe, often described as one of the last matriarchal societies in the world. Locatelli travelled to Lugu Lake in southwest China, 2,700 metres above sea level, taking two days to reach his destination by road. There, in a valley on the border of the Yunnan and Sichuan provinces, he shadowed a society where women are in charge and where there are no words to express the concepts of “father” or “husband”.

Locatelli describes Lugu Lake as “paradise”. “The water is clear and clean and the surroundings are peaceful and beautiful – it’s perfect,” he says. Known as the “Kingdom of Women” throughout China, 40,000 Mosuo people live in a series of villages around the lake. Women here make most major decisions; they control household finances, have the rightful ownership of land and houses, and full rights to the children born to them – quite radical considering that many parts of China still practise arranged marriages – although political power tends to rest with the men (making the description “matrilineal” more accurate).

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Declutter Your Love Life for Spring

by RJ Newellin LOVE

Your bedroom may be free of clutter, but what about your heart?

Spring Cleaning isn’t just for belongings; it’s for improving the quality of your life. This is the perfect time of year to discard what no longer serves us – and yes, this includes relationships. We all have our own unique energy drains, emotional rough spots and cluttered habits that could use a little ‘clean-up’ from time to time. If you’re hoarding a mess (even too much of a good thing), it’s time to make room for what you really want.

Spring Cleaning your love life works in three steps: (1) Defining the things that drain your energy. (2) Recognizing why they don’t serve you. (3) Taking out the trash.

Here are six areas to consider:

1. Your Time:

“How we spend our days is how we spend our lives,” according to Annie Dillard. What are you doing that just isn’t working? Are you too busy for love?

If you don’t make time to build new relationships now, you’ll never have time to maintain them in the future. So how many unnecessary dating apps are you using? Do you spend hours each day on social media, instead of making quality time with your partner or date(s)? Does your work, hobby or social routine make it hard to commit to relationships? If time is money, budgeting is important. Cancel ‘investments’ that don’t bring results.

2. Your Self:

Low self-esteem, lack of a personal care routine, and poor mental/physical health are all serious buzz-kills in the love and sex department. If you feel insecure or unhealthy, here’s your chance to commit to solutions. Define and delete the beliefs that drag you down.

Everyone is a work in progress; if you can’t accept that about yourself, you’ll most likely struggle to accept it in your partner. So if you want to find love in relationships, the first step is to cultivate that in yourself. Examine your self-worth and care routines, and note how that translates to your interactions with others. Outer results reflect inner decisions. The way we see ourselves is often how we treat our partners.

3. Your Baggage:

Have you noticed negative patterns in your relationships? Does pain from your past make it harder to trust? Fear is love’s greatest obstacle; so in terms of baggage, handle with care.

The first “thing” that pops into your head can often improve with practice: journaling, talking it out, reading self-help books and/or spiritual work. But when it comes to deeper wounds, a therapist, spiritual leader or mentor can and should be asked for help. Taking honest inventory of our own baggage is a crucial part of de-cluttering our love lives.

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Millennials: What Do ‘Grown-Up Relationships’ Look Like?

by RJ Newellin LOVE

Have you seen these headlines?

‘Millennial Commitment-Phobia Threatens the Future of Love.’

‘Are Dating Apps the End of Romance?’ 

‘Love is Dead, and Millennials Killed It.’

Thanks for the laughs, Google. I wholeheartedly disagree.

While everyone is different, I believe that most Millennials do believe in love and commitment in some form or another. The fact that we’re free to feel otherwise and/or change our minds can actually strengthen our ultimate resolve to have these needs met. Millennials want joy and fulfillment in our relationships, in whatever way we feel is best for us.

Maybe that’s the key difference that’s scaring everyone. We don’t choose partners based on “whatever society says is best,” or even “what our parents think we should do.” We love in whatever way we feel is best for us.

The ways in which today’s singles ‘hunt and gather’ in relationships looks drastically different than previous generations, but that’s not necessarily new. Our parents’ love lives were different from their parents, just as their parents’ were different from their grandparents. As technology and culture jump forward, so do the ways in which we live our lives. Call it evolution, development, advancement, whatever – change can be uncomfortable for some, but it’s important.

In the 60s, ‘free love’ was said to be the end of relationships. Was it?

When women began prioritizing their education and careers, they were said to be ‘destroying traditional family values.’ Did they?

When divorce was legalized, it was an outrage. “Commitment is dead!” they said.

Fast forward to 2017: same kids, new toys. Millennials are not the first generation to shake things up, and it’s okay. Commitment phobia, ‘ghosting’ and one-night stands are not new concepts. We just have flashy new apps, websites and catchphrases for them now.

Instead of going out for milk and never coming home (as great-grandpa did back in the day), we can just press ‘block,’ ‘delete’ and then go on with our lives. It’s cheaper and safer than the old-fashioned alternatives, especially if marriage hasn’t entered the picture. Millennials aren’t forced to enter legal contracts before they’re ready (risking long-term unhappiness, family dysfunction, infidelity and more). We are free to pick and choose the kinds of relationships we actually want.

So why isn’t everyone celebrating?

As great as evolution is, these advances do make things a little more complicated.

In Scientific American, Helen Fisher (a relationship expert at Rutgers University and chief scientific advisor at Match.com) has said that she does not subscribe to the idea of a ‘relationship apocalypse.’ Instead, she describes modern dating trends as “slow love,” meaning that Millennials are taking more time to experiment and find out what they don’t want before they settle down with what they do want. 

Thanks to dating apps, we have infinitely more choices when it comes to selecting a partner. This makes love more complicated than it was for our grandparents, dating only within their own towns and cities.

If I’m offered three types of breakfast cereal to choose from, it might take five minutes to pick. But what about three hundred choices? I might be in the breakfast aisle forever.

I’m not fickle or indecisive for using multiple dating apps. Like any sensible human, I want to consider all the options before making a decision. It isn’t impulsiveness or fear that leads Millennials to jump around; it’s actually a sense of responsibility.

The behaviors we engage in are not new; our openness about them is. LGBTQ+ Americans have always been around, whether we were socially accepted or not. The gender spectrum hasn’t changed, our language for it has. Single parenthood, premarital sex, polyamory, fetishes, and infidelity are not new ideas. Neither is blaming ‘those damn kids’ for things that make us uncomfortable.

Being open about our needs has a number of positive benefits: safer sex, improved psychological health, better relationships, increased acceptance of ourselves and others, and fewer wasted years trying to hide and fit into lives that aren’t genuine. With that said…I get it. Dating is fine and dandy, but what about commitment?

In a generation that notoriously struggles to ‘adult,’ what do Grown-Up Relationships look like?

I remember sitting in the schoolyard at five years old, trying to picture myself at twenty. I imagined I’d be married, have a house, two kids and a dog. Now that twenty has come and gone, I can’t help but giggle at this outlandish fantasy. The vast majority of today’s twenty year-olds can’t afford their own rent, let alone support a family.

To understand why we most likely aren’t married (yet or ever), let’s consider some of the factors surrounding our life decisions. According to the Pew Research Center, Millennials are more educated but significantly less affluent than previous generations. Adults in their 20s and early 30s are more likely to still live with their parents; this comes not out of desire or laziness, but of need. Most of us can’t afford to throw a wedding in our twenties, let alone buy a house and start a family. While the bar for success has risen with our education, the odds for a stable career are lower than ever. Is it any wonder then, that most of us won’t marry young?

If by ‘grown up’ you mean financially stable, most of us aren’t there yet. But if maturity is a measure of emotional independence, personal commitment to improvement and working hard to attain stability – then yes, we’re all adults, here.

Millennial relationships are Grown-Up Relationships. And modern grown-ups don’t need to get married. We need love and support – and that doesn’t necessarily mean following blueprints set by our parents. Most of my Millennials friends don’t consider marriage a bad thing, but they also aren’t ready (or willing) any time soon.

I married my partner, but I am definitely not a “grown-up” with a house and two kids the way my five-year-old self had anticipated. Our world is not that of our grandparents, so today’s typical marriage looks a little different. I wouldn’t expect anyone else to make the same choices as me, or vice versa. My grown-up relationship is not your grown-up relationship, just as my  day-job is not your day-job. As Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Don’t let outdated standards determine your modern needs.

Perhaps instead of worrying that our love lives aren’t ‘mature’ by ancient standards, we can look at the big picture and accept that we are exactly where we’re supposed to be for this time in history. If you’re one of 1.8 billion Millennials navigating love in an unprecedented world, I applaud you. You’re not alone, you’re not the first, and you’re certainly not the last.

Welcome to Millennial Love. What does it mean to you?

Marriage 101: Expectations Vs. Reality

by RJ Newellin LOVE

 Once upon a time, two newlywed lovers rode off into the sunset.

just marriedIt was a perfect end to a perfect day: The Bride (wearing an off-beat vintage dress that totally said “I’m not like other brides”) took a celebratory swig from a flask in the passenger seat. Her Groom squinted like a sultry James Dean, driving toward the horizon with wind in his hair. The sexy beats of Arctic Monkeys accompanied them as they drove; they thought of the red-hot road trips they took when they had first been dating. This new beginning was just a continuation of a love that was already good.

The couple held hands and agreed: this was perfect, they were perfect, and the future was going to be perfect.

Being married wouldn’t change a thing, they swore. This was the happy ending they’d always wanted. Two lifetimes of buildup and anticipation, all those years of searching…everything led up to this moment.

Soooo…what now? Neither one knew for sure.

The Bride kept drinking her whiskey and the Groom kept playing the same songs on repeat and they tried to do the same things they did before the ceremony, before the proposal, before moving in.

It worked, for a while. But the sunset had to end sometime. What would they do in the morning?

Clouds moved in to cover the stars. The Bride and Groom were now Wife and Husband, and they tried their best not to mess things up.

“What do married people do?” they asked themselves. Both came up with their own answer, based on what they’d seen their parents, friends and TV couples do.

Wife made a nice dinner and set the table for Husband, because she heard she should prioritize quality time. Meanwhile, Husband picked up an extra evening shift at his job, because he heard he should save to buy nice things for Wife.

All it took was a phone call to disappoint them both. Gone were the days of long drives and free flying and throwing bouquets out the window. Now, he was a husband who worked long hours and she was a wife who ate pot roast alone.

“Why does he make me so sad?” She sighed. “This doesn’t seem like us.”

“Why does she make me so angry?” He groaned. “I thought that we would be different.”

She expected a date night; he chose a night with the boys. He expected they’d spend their day off at the beach; she preferred couples’ counseling. On and on and on it went.

One year later, this perfect pairing was dissatisfied in every way. Why?

Things weren’t really that bad, were they? He didn’t cheat, she didn’t lie, and neither one spent all their money. Plus, they were trying so hard! It didn’t make sense that they’d be so unhappy. Was marriage itself to blame?

True story: When my husband and I were married, we were convinced we’d never be like “other” couples. We felt like two single people who just happened to be getting married. “Nothing would change!” we vowed.

In five years, we imagined that of course we’d have romantic evenings of punk records and bourbon on the rocks. And in ten years, naturally we’d have the same careers and wear the same styles of clothing. And in twenty years, obviously we’d be the coolest parents/best friends/partners on Earth. Everyone would envy how non-traditional and happy and open we were. “Traditional” marriage was for the birds, we said!

These weren’t bad intentions at all. But eventually, our unconscious expectations of what should be threatened our conscious dreams of what could be. It took a great deal of listening on both sides to dissect the reasons why we expected the things that we did. And it was hard to admit that people weren’t lying when they warned us that marriage would change things.

Here’s where we went wrong: My expectations and his expectations did not match our collaborative goals. And the higher our expectations, the greater our potential for disappointment.

As much as we denied it, that piece of paper became more than ‘just a piece of paper’ the second we went beyond “I do” and claimed our “supposed tos” and “should.” And it’s okay. I believe that most couples go through this, at some point.

The first few years of committed cohabitation are specifically primed for chaos. The people you both were when you met will have changed by the time you walk down the aisle. And it’s often not until the glow wears off that you notice that anything’s changed. When that happens, it’s not necessarily bad. Just hang on. It takes love, patience and a sense of adventure to navigate what happens next.

I’d thought marriage would be just like dating, just with both of our names on a contract. I imagined we’d be the same people, forever. But that’s like saying “if I win millions in the lottery, I’ll still act like I do making $20,000 a year!” How silly.

When an event or person changes your life, your identity must be affected somehow. If this didn’t happen, no one would grow or evolve. We’d all still be raging toddlers, learning nothing and accomplishing nothing. But while change is a good thing, it’s stressful.

Sometimes opportunity feels like a crisis. Even something as wonderful as finding your soul mate can spark a personal breakdown. But the difference between a breakdown and breakthrough is the way you go about handling it. Change works in your favor, if you let it.

Expansion requires letting go of old limits, and this includes unrealistic expectations. And it’s not as scary as you might think. You can lower your expectations without compromising your standards. 

It’s common for couples to articulate the same vision for their marriage, but display conflicting expectations through their actions down the road.

Nobody’s immune to unrealistic expectations, even the most non-traditional of couples. Overcoming this pattern is a challenge that can only make you better, together.

I’m grateful for all of it, now. Good and bad. We’ve been through a lot, and we’re stronger for it. We’re clear on what our relationship is and have chosen to accept and love it for what it is now, not what it “could” or “should” be down the road. At first, I thought letting go would mean accepting failure. But the results proved me wrong in the best way.

Now that we’ve stopped judging ourselves by old rules that don’t work, we’re free to meet the ideals we’d envisioned at the start! Our worst fears were never realized, once we learned to let go of them.

just marriedLove is not a perpetual ride into the sunset. Sometimes it’s two flat tires in a blizzard. And that’s fine! At least it’s not boring.

When that sunset ride ends and you run out of gas, get out of the car and push. Hold on to each other through the next morning, the next sunset, the next disaster and dream come true. Have faith in your future beginnings, because there will always be more.

 

P.S…Laugh, if you can. It helps.

Same Sex Marriage Rights: Taiwan Leads in Asia

by zfortadminin LOVE

Taiwan’s highest court paved the way Wednesday for Asia’s first law allowing same-sex marriage, a reflection of widespread support for LGBTQ causes that has sprung from three decades of democracy.

The Constitutional Court ruled that it is illegal to ban marriages between two people of the same sex and ordered parliament to change the civil code within two years to bring it in line with the constitution, a court official said. Today’s conditions are “in violation of both the people’s freedom of marriage … and the people’s right to equality,” the judiciary’s secretary-general, Lu Tai-lang, said.

About 200 jubilant supporters of same-sex marriage gathered outside parliament as the announcement was broadcast live from a news conference.

“It is a milestone for the LGBT movement in Taiwan,” the Taipei-based gay rights advocacy group Taiwan Tongzhi Hotline Assn. said in a statement.

Wednesday’s decision reflected Taiwan outlier status in Asia for tolerance on LGBTQ issues, but seems unlikely to inspire similar moves in the region anytime soon.

A large percentage of the public in Taiwan has accepted the idea of same-sex marriage because leaders have elevated liberal social causes to show the island’s democratic credentials in the face of China, a political rival that restricts free speech and association.

China regards Taiwan as a renegade province. The island has been independently administered since the communists took control in Beijing in 1949.

In Taiwan, people are nice to gays, so we feel safe here. … There’s pressure, but nothing like political repression or from schools.
— Jovi Wu, a Taipei saleswoman

“I think Taiwan’s freedom of speech gives it the best environment,” said Tsao Cheng-yi, a senior project manager with the Taiwan Tongzhi Hotline Assn. “Japan is conservative. South Korea has rightists and Christians. I think Taiwan has a chance to be the first place in Asia with a same-sex marriage law.”

While Japan and South Korea are also democracies, Japan has less of a sense of multiculturalism and South Korea is strongly influenced by Christian conservatives, creating impediments to same-sex marriage, said Jens Damm, associate professor in the Graduate Institute of Taiwan Studies at Chang Jung University in Taiwan.

Indonesia and Malaysia, because of the prevalence of Islam, would find little backing compared to Taiwan despite their democratic governments. Countries under authoritarian rule limit social activism, a common prerequisite for government attention to LGBTQ causes. Taiwan lifted martial law in the 1980s after decades of authoritarian rule.

Vietnam technically allowed same-sex marriage in 2015 but did not follow up with codes.

“Around the world, including in Asia, we see that the main impediments to marriage equality or LGBTQ rights more broadly are conservative religious doctrines and social mores, repressive political regimes that limit civil society organizing, and opportunistic politicians who stir up homophobia and transphobia as political tools,” said Jean Freedberg, deputy director of the American civil rights advocacy group HRC Global.

Gay and lesbian rights in Taiwan got their first boost in the 1990s, Damm said, when Taipei Mayor Chen Shui-bian spoke out for LGBTQ causes to help Taiwan stand out in Asia as an open society. Chen later pushed a socially liberal agenda as president from 2000 to 2008.

About two thirds of Taiwanese are Buddhists, and their religion does not prescribe rules on sexual orientation. About 5% are Christian.

Gay pride parades in Taipei every year draw thousands, with 80,000 people showing for the most recent one in another sign of acceptance. Many in their ranks have pushed for the same-sex marriage legislation. President Tsai Ing-wen, the first woman to lead Taiwan, endorses the legislation as well.

“In Taiwan, people are nice to gays, so we feel safe here,” said Jovi Wu, 36, a Taipei saleswoman who added that she would like to marry to share custody of her 4-year-old. “We don’t fear family and companies. There’s pressure, but nothing like political repression or from schools.”

Today, LGBTQ characters appear in films, on television and online. On the Internet, younger people especially are “proudly being themselves,” said Jay Lin, Taipei-based director of the Taiwan International Queer Film Festival.

That said, support for same-sex marriage is far from universal.

Opposition has become more evident since parliament took up the legislation in November. In December about 30,000 people showed for a demonstration in central Taipei opposing same-sex marriage.

Christian churches joined activists supporting traditional Chinese family values favoring households headed by one man and one woman. Some argued that the death of a same-sex spouse would leave the survivor dependent on government support because many same-sex couples would not have children to support them in old age, a common phenomenon in Chinese societies such as Taiwan.

Children in same-sex marriages would find it hard to form relations with the gender not represented by their parents, opponents have also argued.

The ruling Wednesday was sought by the city of Taipei, which asked the court for clarification on whether it could legally register same-sex couples. It will let legislators amend the civil code — or pass a whole new law — to make those unions legal throughout the island of 23 million people. Lawmakers gave initial approval in November, but had held off on a final vote until the justices made a decision.

Taiwan would join 20 countries around the world in allowing same-sex marriage, HRC said.

Curated by Timothy
Original Article

I Met My Boyfriend First But All My Friends Got Married Before Us

by Jillian Pretzelin LOVE

What I learned while waiting to get married until it felt right.

A woman at work just got engaged, and so did I. We were chatting about wedding plans, comparing rings, and eventually started talking about how we met our fiancés. She said she met hers this past November, and it was love at first sight. They were in a relationship by December and talking about marriage by February. I told her I started dating my fiancée nine years ago.

“Nine years?” She said, shocked. “That’s a really long time.”

And it is. It’s definitely not the norm to be together that long and still not be married. We were always happy, we were always in love, we just weren’t married.

And it drove me nuts.

It’s easy to give yourself a complex

Over the years I’ve seen so many friends tie the knot, and boy, was I jealous. I’d suffered through a million Facebook engagement announcements and had to drag myself to countless bridal showers.

At weddings I’d count on my fingers how many more years my boyfriend and I had been together than the bride and groom. And judge them accordingly.

At every wedding my boyfriend and I attended together (and there were a lot), I’d wonder why it wasn’t him and me up there in the fancy white dress and suit. Maybe, I thought, there was something wrong with us. Were we not as happy as I thought? Were we just compatible enough to want to be together, but not to make a big commitment?

It would have been different if we actively didn’t want to get married, or didn’t see ourselves together in the long-term. It would have been different if we weren’t right for each other.

But that wasn’t it.

We knew couples that got married with way more problems than we did. (One couple we knew got divorced within the year.) So then, I wondered, what was the holdup with us?

It’s hard to wait until the time is right

Sure, we were young. We met in high school, so by the time we’d been together three years (a reasonable time to get married) we were only twenty, and still busy with school. By the time we graduated from college, we were, well, just out of college. We’d both moved back in with our parents and were struggling to find jobs. Planning a wedding just wasn’t realistic.

It wasn’t like we hadn’t talked about it. We had, and usually decided we wanted to save money to have a bigger wedding (and honeymoon) later, or that we wanted to wait until I was done with grad school.

I knew it was reasonable to wait it out, let the right time come. But reason didn’t stop me from un-friending co-workers when they posted engagement pictures online. I mean, how dare they?

I’d spend my time at sorority sisters’ weddings perched by the bar, drinking too many flutes of champagne, unabashedly wrinkling my bridesmaid’s dress.

I Met My Boyfriend First But All My Friends Got Married Before Us

It’s easy to second guess yourself

Of course, the feminist in me struggles with this.

It’s embarrassing to look back on drunk-crying over cake, complaining that it should have been us on that cake topper, but the truth is, it was difficult for me. Even knowing my relationship was healthy and happy, I wanted what my friends had.

I felt like I was missing out on something that I deserved more than others, and it was a struggle to keep my friends.

Maybe some of the stress came from peer pressure. Everyone and their mother had been asking me when we’d be getting married since our second anniversary. And it was getting old.

Any time a good-natured friend would elbow me and say “you’re next” I’d force a smile and hope they couldn’t tell I was mentally punching them in the nose. But the more they pressed, the more my inner voice asked why we were waiting.

The question poked at my brain until eventually I realized: we simply weren’t ready.

I Met My Boyfriend First But All My Friends Got Married Before Us

The wait is hard, but worth it

Maybe that was hard to grasp when I watched my best friend try on wedding dresses, and maybe it didn’t make sense when I caught five bouquets in a row, but the truth is, it just wasn’t the right time yet.

We’re a pretty conservative couple, and it’s not our style to rush into things. We only spend the money we have, and we’re careful. We won’t even try a new restaurant before scrolling through all the reviews on Yelp. It’s not wild or whirlwind-romantic, but it’s us.

It wasn’t that we had a problem, I’d just managed to find the right guy about five years early.

And, when I think about that, it makes me feel really lucky. Now that we’re finally engaged, at 26, we’ve already spent almost a third of our lives together.

We know everything about each other, we have countless memories and thousands of pictures, which, I think, is a great start to the rest of our lives.

Loved this story? Read more about unconventional committed relationships on Love TV.

When You Say “I Do,” Does That Mean “I Do Take Your Name?”

by ElisaShoenbergerin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

For women, a name change after marriage went from being an assumed practice to a contentious subject in the past few decades.

Following the feminist foment of the 70s, many women opted against a name change after marriage. Now in the first few decades of the 21st century, the issue is unclear. Some women elect to change their name while others come up with compromises such as hyphenation or decline altogether.

When I envisioned marriage, I had always assumed that I would take my husband’s name.

I hadn’t spent a long time thinking about weddings. It was always a passing thought as I imagined what it would be to take my then boyfriend’s name. However, as I was planning my wedding, the choice didn’t’ seem so clear.

There were certainly advantages to taking my husband’s name. My maiden name “Shoenberger” was constantly misspelled and a perennial issue my entire life as I have to check under both Shoenberger and Schoenberger. Moreover, when I was a child with a learning disability, the length of the name certainly made my life more challenging. My fiancé’s name was a mere four letters.

On the other hand, I had seen women around me go through the process of changing their name.

Coworkers went through the painful process of getting their identification cards, credit cards, and other signifiers of the modern world changed. I watched them juggling birth certificates, social security cards, marriage certificates and even a misspelled new driver’s license.

The worst case scenario was when I heard about an acquaintance who had missed out on a prestigious scholarship in the 70s because there was confusion over her maiden and married names. I also knew of several women who had gotten divorced but decided not to change their names back to their maiden names.

In a few instances, I had heard stories of acquaintances and friends around me that told me that taking their husband’s name was a deal breaker. If they didn’t take the name, their husband-to-be wouldn’t proceed with the wedding. The prospect of having a showdown like that was daunting.

But it was more than just the hassle of changing one’s name. There was a matter of legacy.

I know that some women had taken the custom of taking their maiden name and making it their middle name. However, I didn’t relish this.

My grandfather did not have any male children so his name is only passed on through the middle names of several grandchildren. I was immensely proud of bearing his name. As I thought about it more, I felt the same way about my last name. I wanted it to go forward, (even though I had a half-brother who also bore it). I realized how proud I was of it, misspellings and all.

After the engagement and the ring, are you considering a name change after marriage?

I decided to keep my name.

Thankfully, my then fiancé, now husband, had no thoughts on the matter. It was up to me, he told me. Which is exactly how it should be. My parents felt the same way as did my in-laws.

My grandmother, however, was aghast. For months up to and after my wedding, she’d bring it up every time I’d see her, making a face. She would always say, “I was proud of taking my husband’s name.” She strongly disapproved. But she was the only one who has overtly commented on my choice.

I talked to two other women about their decisions to take or not take their husband’s’ names. The first decided against it.

She told me, “I kept my name first and foremost because I have a professional standing with my unmarried name and my professional life would become disjointed if I changed names.”

Another reason she wanted to keep her name was to also keep her autonomy. She feared “that the second I became a wife, suddenly what I had done with my life no longer mattered.” In keeping her name, she felt it valued her and her husband as separate and accomplished people.

When I asked her how her decision was received, she told me: “[My husband] and his family were not happy. [He] really wanted me, at first, to change my name. That it was the “right” thing to do and that this is just how it is done.

“His family was not pleased either. They thought it was an affront that I didn’t take his name. I told them in no uncertain terms that if their son loved me and I loved him, that it didn’t matter one iota. This wasn’t the dark ages, and I have a career to myself under my given name.

“My friends really don’t care. All those people that have known me since high school, college, masters, law school, they just saw it as me being me… His friends, however, are far more traditionalist… I don’t want a traditionalist role, why should I have to have a traditionalist household? If there’s no law against it, it’s my life. I get to make the rules.”

I talked to another woman who did change her name.

I asked her why she made the decision and she said that the biggest factor was that she felt her maiden name was very generic. “My last name was shortened,” she said. “It’s an immigration thing. A lot of names were shortened to the same syllable… My name is the Jewish female equivalent of John Smith.” She added, “[my husband’s name] is pretty. It has a musical sound. If I had married someone else [with a different last name], I would not have.”

I asked what her family or now husband felt about the issue. She said, “The most important thing was that my family didn’t assume one way or another. Probably thought I wouldn’t. It was just completely my choice. If anyone had felt one way or another, I would have done the opposite. [My husband] didn’t care at all. If anything, he was surprised. Didn’t think I would actually put in the effort to do it.”

She said she didn’t face any personal backlash for changing her name, but she did encounter a lot of negative opinions online about the practice being anti-feminist — a viewpoint with which she disagrees. “As long as it is a choice, to make a choice is feminist,” she said. And then she added: “You can’t say it makes me the property of my husband any more than my maiden name made me the property of my dad.”

Ultimately, considering a name change after marriage should be one’s own.

That’s what feminism is really supposed to be about. Choice.

Beyond the Gender Norm: Taking a Married Name

by ElisaShoenbergerin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

I realized that there were far more stories to tell about this, especially beyond the heterosexual continuum.

When a person gets married, they are presented with a choice: do they take their spouse’s name or not? How does gender and societal expectations play into it?

Several months ago, I reported on my own experiences when I got married and the decisions of two women who made their own choices about taking a married name. I elected to keep my name in part to honor my own family, a disinclination for the process and a few other reasons. For the two I interviewed, their decisions had little to do with tradition.

When the article came out, I was astonished to find out how many people responded. People I hadn’t heard of were telling me about their experiences. It was more than an either or: take the name or not. There are many more additional possibilities  including combining names, and even creating new names.

I talked to three more couples about their experiences when they married. Names have been changed for anonymity.

Her husband decided to hyphenate his name too.

On a bright Sunday morning in October, I met with a lovely couple in a local coffee shop: “Samantha and Lawrence.” Lawrence had made the decision to hyphenate his name with Samatha’s.

“I had been given my grandfather’s name as my middle name because my mom very much valued her family name. I didn’t,” he said.

He went on to say that he comes from a very large family.

“While I love my mom and dad, I didn’t have an attachment to that idea.,” Lawrence continued. “So, when I got married, I just figured I would change my name. I think that hyphenating my name has made me closer to [her] family, which I really enjoy.”

Lawrence told me that he’s heard of those who take pride in their name.

“I know a lot of guys feel that they have to spread their name, but I have no intention of having children, I think helps part of it,” he said.

When I asked how his family handled his decision, he told me his parents are in denial.

“My mom still writes checks to me under my [old name],” he said.

When I questioned  Samantha about how her family reacted to his decision, she said they loved it.

“My family really likes that he’s into the name,” she said.” I think my dad really likes it a lot. Not in ‘you have to pass it down’ but as a gesture, you’ve become part of this. It feels more inclusive.”

Lawrence noted that the federal government makes it easy to change your name. “It takes about 15 minutes,” he said.

However, the state they live in is a different process. “I have been trying for three and half years to change my name on all documents… the State of Illinois refuses to do it unless I provide a marriage license, proof that I have changed my name with the federal government, three pieces of mail and some other stuff.”

His former colleagues at the company he worked when they got married were fine with it. His friends don’t call each other by their last name.

“With Internet culture, it’s much easier to have a different last name then you actually have.” his wife added. “We have a shared name on Facebook, so we have the sense that we are totally together without having to jump through any of the bureaucratic hoops.”

I asked Samantha about her decision not to change her name and she told me, “I never thought I would change my name.

“I never had any intention of doing so from an early age,” she said.” I decided I would never get married. If I got married by some strange coincidence, I would stick with what I liked. This is partially based a lot on feminist ideal.”

She explained that her mother didn’t change her name and was a model for her.

“It seemed difficulty to functionally change your name in society,” she continued.The bureaucracy of it. As [my husband] was going through it, I was like this was as terrible as I thought.”

There are  also professional considerations to take into account.

Lawrence and Samantha did note that they considered creating a new surname entirely.

“I believe we were going with Bloodaxe for a long period of time. Because it sounds real badass…I pulled back,” she said. “We both decided this was not, perhaps, how we wanted to be known at age 75.”

At the end of our interview, Lawrence indicated  it’s something he thinks more men should try.

“It’s one of the few pieces of toxic masculinity that I kinda find surprising in people.,” he said. “Some guys are just really resistant against this when they would be otherwise great feminists. It seems like one of those things: ‘Why would I even do this?’

He explained that, for him, it wasn’t a hesitation. “I wanted to be part of this family and I had in a way make myself closer to it. So I did it.”

Deciding which last name to take after the wedding might be easier for two men.

Newlywed Gay Couple Dancing on Wedding Celebration

A young gay couple in a bustling sandwich shop explained how things are easier for them.  Nearby us, a guitarist crooned classic folk and rock and roll songs.

I asked “Walter and Mark” about their decision not to change their names when they got married two years ago.

“We benefit in this regard from the same thing that our wedding benefited from, which is nobody has any preset expectations about a gay marriage,” Walter explained. ”In fact, it’s because of that. So far, we have not changed our names because people do not expect men to. We just figured it would be much more of a hassle than it would be for a woman, who people expect to have a maiden name or a hyphenated name.”

He said that for a man to change his name he thought people would find it suspicious or confusing. But there were other considerations. Mark is not currently a US citizen and explained, “That really complicated things. Changing your name whilst applying for your permanent residency.”

“My parents hyphenate our names when they send us packages.,” Mark said when explaining how others respond respond to their decision. “And our dogs have hyphenated names but we don’t.”

Walter noted that his father had a different reaction. He was offended Walter’s sister-in-law didn’t change her name when she and Walter’s brother married.

“I was talking to him about us doing it. He said, ‘Yeah, it would be silly for two men to change their name,’” Walter said.“Which is kinda sexist. I then I said, if we did change it, [we would hyphenate it one way]. He immediately said, ‘That sounds really cool. You should change it.’ Because it’s an aristocratic sounding name.”

At the end of the interview, Mark noted that no one has ever asked him about their married name before.

It felt very heteronormative to ask Molly to change her last name.

My final interview was with a young lesbian couple who just had their first child.

“Molly and Megan” decided what made them hyphenate their names when they married.

“I didn’t want to lose my last name.,” Megan said. “I had a lot of identity wrapped up in it. Ironically, I am more connected to my mom’s side of the family, but the last name is very Irish and I connect with my Irish roots.”

She explained that it felt heteronormative to ask Molly to change her name.

“We also knew we wanted to have kids and we wanted to share a last name with them, especially since I wouldn’t be connected genetically to them,” Megan continued. “Molly’s last name is already hyphenated and I certainly wasn’t going to have a triple hyphenated last name! She had a connection with [one of] the last name[s] so we hyphenated [with that].”

Neither of their families had a strong reaction and friends don’t care much either.

“The public in general is very confused by hyphenated last names and online forms often don’t let you add special characters,” Megan said. “So my name is now constantly being butchered, which is annoying.”

Sometimes the way a last name sounds determines

From these interviews, similar themes arose from my original interview. The issue of bureaucracy was a major one.  Changing names has implications for one’s career or even citizenship. There’s the bureaucratic hurdles of simply getting a named changed, especially in Illinois.

I was also struck by the issue of aesthetic of the names themselves. There was a sense with almost everyone about how certain names sounded better together, whether it was a first and last name, or the order of hyphenating names. There was simply a more harmonious way to combine names.

I briefly considered hyphenating my name with my husband’s but recalled how complicated it was to spell my last name as a dyslexic school child. As for creating a new surname, my husband and I considered combining our names in interesting ways: Shiz, Shoenpriz, Prizenberger…but none seemed to satisfy either of us.

One interesting theme that came up was the issue of children. Both Megan and Molly and Mark and Walter mentioned that they wanted to change their name if they had kids while Samantha and Lawrence specifically mentioned they were not.

That became the problem with my own long last name as a child. My mom told me that was part of her rationale for changing her name. My husband and I haven’t really discussed how we’ll handle this possibility but it’s an important consideration. Especially in light of my own experiences as a dyslexic child.

I was interested in how society approached the issue of gender when it came to the names. As Mark and Walter noted, no one had any expectation of them to change their names; no one had even asked. Lawrence noted how few men even consider changing or adding their wife’s name to their own.

These contrast with the viewpoints of all the women in my little study. We all had thought about the possibility. As women, we had grown up in a society that expected it. We all just had strong decisions or attachments to our names.

Of course, I should talk to my husband about the possibility of changing our names to the Bookaxes.

7 Love Lessons I Learned from the Amazon Show “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel”

by Kate Oczypokin LOVE, Mind, RELATIONSHIPS, Wellness

Did you fall in love with the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel too? I sure did.

After Mad Men ended, it seemed like we were left with a void of really good 1950s and ‘60s period shows.

Personally, I love the era and was excited to see The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, a show on Amazon that fit the bill. It premiered around the holidays and I never followed up with watching it. However, once it won a couple Golden Globes earlier this year, I was intrigued.

Here are seven love lessons I learned from the show. *Warning* Spoilers ahead.

1. Love yourself first.

Miriam “Midge” Maisel was a typical 1950s housewife, mid-20s, two children and a husband. She’s highly educated (Bryn Mawr) and was raised Jewish in the Upper West Side in New York City.

On the surface, her life seemed perfect. However, what struck a chord with me the most was how Midge couldn’t even get a good night’s sleep. She literally had to wait until her husband Joel fell asleep to creep into the bathroom and remove her makeup.

She then had to make sure she woke up before him to put the entire “face” back on before he woke up. It made me realize how important it is to love yourself first, that your significant other needs to see you, no makeup, bedhead and all. That is what true love is.

2. Love your career, even if it scares you.

Night after night of watching her husband bomb in stand-up comedy at a local café, Midge supported her significant other by bringing beef brisket to get him on stage at an earlier time.

She was meticulous about taking notes on Joel’s routine and it’s clear how much she enjoyed comedy. It wasn’t until he left her that she drunkenly headed to the same café and absolutely killed it in her own improv stand-up act.

Throughout the series, viewers see her fears combined with her “You know what, I actually don’t give a damn” attitude that made her rise to the top.

I personally chose freelance writing and teaching piano as a career path and it is scary. he money’s not the best and neither are the hours. That being said, it is a career I truly adore. I can’t imagine doing anything else now.

3. Love your co-workers.

When I worked full-time at a newspaper, I was overly cautious about my co-workers, particularly females—not Midge Maisel though.

When she gets a job at a department store makeup counter post-separation from her husband, she found a group of true female friends who support each other every step of the way. I learned that loving your co-workers is a great way to form a certain camaraderie. Support is so important, especially in this day and age.

Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

4. Love life.

Midge didn’t take life too seriously, and that’s what made her so likeable. No matter what life brings your way, it’s important to remember to laugh at it sometimes.

Midge ended up breaking up with her partner, moved in with her parents and figured out life on her own for the first time at 26. I’ve always imagined I love life, but after watching Mrs. Maisel it is just reiterated it even more now. Loving life is so important. After all, we only get one chance.

5. Love your parents, they only want what’s best for you.

If you think your parents are meddling, just wait until you watch Midge’s. As much as I began to remember the times growing up where my own parents seemed to be prying, I also recalled how much they love me. They sacrificed so much for my four siblings and me and I know, just like Rose and Abe, Midge’s mother and father, they only want what’s best for me.

6. Love your heritage.

Midge was raised Jewish and while she often used her background as fodder for her comedy routine, she loved the heritage that made her who she was. It took until the very end of the season for her to finally use her real name, a decision she struggled with until the very end.

I learned that no matter what others say about the way I was raised, or my Catholic background, you name it, it is important to love your background. Also, as crazy as my last name is, I embrace it because it makes me unique and reminds me of my Ukrainian roots.

7. Love your city.

Midge just adored New York City, her hometown. The show did a wonderful job showing the city circa the late ‘50s.

I live in Washington, D.C. and sometimes I forget to take advantage of the gorgeous city I reside in. I realize now how much I need to be more like Midge and truly love my city. It’s important to get out and enjoy your local bars and restaurants and community events.

Often, I feel like life in my city sometimes passes me by when the weekend comes along, as I’m often too tired or lazy to get up and do something.

Amazon’s new show about a 1950s housewife has a lot of love lessons.

The winter can be a great time for binge watching a new show. The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel is a wonderful new addition to Amazon’s show list. Not only is it entertaining, the show has a lot of lessons on love and life.

Interested in reading about a real-life standup comedian and her take on television? Check out this piece.

Everything I Learned About Relationships from 90 Day Fiancé

by Jillian Pretzelin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

 

The surprisingly valuable lessons I learned from my guilty pleasure show.

I love watching TLC’s 90 Day Fiancé. It’s trashy, over-dramatized, and all-around great. For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of watching this reality trainwreck gold, let me give you the 411:

The show follows Americans and their foreign-born fiancés as they unite in America. However, their special “fiancé visa” only gives the couple three months to get married before one of them is sent home.

Of course, the couple has to plan their wedding (and one of them has to adjust to life in a new country) in a jiffy. Plus, often, the couple has only met in person once or twice before, and they need to get to know each other before tying the knot. So, it’s a busy 90 days.

With cultural differences, language barriers, and the ever-looming threat of one person being sent back home, this show is dramatic, addicting, and…surprisingly educational.

That’s right. Whether I’m making a mental note to follow one couple’s strong example, or more often, learning from their mistakes, 90 Day Fiancé has taught me a lot about relationships.

Here are some of my favorite lessons from some of my favorite 90 Day Fiancé couples.

1. Don’t be afraid to take it slow

darcey-silva-and-jesse-meester-90-day-fiance

In one of 90 Day Fiancé’s spin-off shows, 90 Day Fiancé: Before the 90 Days, the American goes to visit their out-of-the-country lover before getting engaged. They do this because before applying for the fiancé visa, they have to have met in person. So this meeting is usually their first time seeing each other in person.

That might make you say: “They’ve never met and are already on a reality show about getting married? Wow. That’s moving pretty fast.”

Sure is.

And it seems like Darcey, an American designer, really did want to move quickly towards marriage. She went to Amsterdam to visit Jesse, and while she clearly hoped to get engaged on the trip, Jesse decided to take it slow. By the end of the season he gives her an “appreciation ring” and Darcey goes home without solid marriage plans.

While this may have been a disappointment to Darcey, and many viewers, I think that Jesse’s idea to wait is commendable. So many 90 Day Fiancé couples find themselves feeling rushed to get married because of the visa process, but jumping into marriage too quickly can mean trouble later on.

Darcey and Jesse’s story really struck a chord with me. I know how hard it is to wait to get married, but I also know how important it can be as well.

In my own relationship, my fiancé and I waited 9 years to get engaged. We were young when we met and we didn’t want to move too fast. When we finally got engaged, we were glad we waited. Now, we have such a great foundation to our relationship and are certain we’re ready for marriage.

Of course, not everyone is going to wait 9 years to get engaged. “Ain’t nobody got time for that.” But when it comes to taking big steps in your relationship, follow Jesse and Darcey’s example, and remember that it’s okay to take your time.

2. Make the extra effort for your in-laws

loren-alexei-90-day-fiance

In season 3, Alexei moved from Israel to Florida to marry Loren. Despite some arguments surrounding her bachelorette party and insecurities about her tourettes syndrome, the couple seemed to have a strong relationship. One thing that stood out especially was Loren’s relationship with Alexei’s family.

At one point, Alexei’s mom came to visit them in Florida. She and Loren spent a lot of time together, going shopping and even making dinner. Lauren wanted to show Alexi’s mom a great time in the US, there’s just one problem: the two don’t speak the same language. They struggled to communicate but both mother and daughter-in-law made an effort to bond, and the segment was actually really sweet.

There are a few things I love about this. One, Loren wanted her in-laws to like Florida so that one day they might move closer to her. She knew how important Alexei’s family was to him and she wanted to make him happy, which is great in any relationship. Not many spouses encourage their in-laws to move closer. Second, she is making an effort to communicate with Alexi’s mom, even when there’s a language barrier, which showed how much bonding meant to her.

I know that sometimes it can be hard to communicate with your significant other’s family (even when you speak the same language). Sometimes being in different families or from different generations can make you feel worlds apart, but it’s so important to try to have a good relationship with your in-laws. It helps keep the peace and shows your partner that you care about his or her family, which might be really important to them.

3. Know that you’re not always going to get your way

evelyn-david-90-day-fiance

Evelyn and David from season 5 definitely had their differences. They had a big age gap (she was 18, he was 27), different ideas about the wedding, and even conflicting thoughts on where to live.

Sharing a life with someone means compromising. Sometimes things will go the way you want, sometimes you’ll have to consider a different direction. When Evelyn welcomed fiancé David from Spain, it was clear that she expected him to go along with her plans. When he didn’t, it caused a lot of issues.

She spent most of the season arguing with David about everything from small details like what the bridal party would wear, to bigger issues like where they would live after the wedding. It was a rough way to start off a marriage.

Watching Evelyn and David helped remind me to be flexible. Living with someone means that you can’t get your way all the time, and for many people, that can be hard. I was an only child growing up so, in my early life, I didn’t have to compromise on a lot of things. When my fiancé and I started making decisions together, I had a hard time making room for his opinions. There was the issue of living room wall color and what groceries to buy, but eventually, we learned to work more as a team.

Evelyn and David remind us that opening your mind can make your relationship go a whole lot smoother.

4. Learn how to fight in a healthy way

Anfisa and Jorge 90 day fiance

Anfisa and Jorge spent much of season 4 in loud, angry fights. They brought a whole lot of drama to the season, but their arguments were often cringe-worthy. Name calling, door slamming, and even hitting were not uncommon for these two, and it cause many viewers to wish the couple would split up for good.

But their fights were a good reminder of what not to do. Those actions can be hurtful and abusive, and can be more harmful to the relationship than whatever the original fight was about.

Of course, you’re going to disagree with your significant other at some point, it’s unavoidable. The key is to strive for healthy, constructive arguments, and not to get too heated or angry.

It’s important that whenever you feel yourself getting mad, try to stay calm and take a deep breath. If possible, take a break from the fight, calm down, and come back to it later. It will give you time to think about your partner’s point of view and find a rational solution.

5. Tell the truth: lies and secrets will eventually come out

90-Day-Chantel-Pedro-90-day-fiance

I hate lying and keeping secrets. Whenever I have a secret, no matter how small, I feel guilty and am constantly afraid that someone will figure it out.

When Pedro moved to the United States to marry Chantel in Season 4, Chantel knew her parents wouldn’t be thrilled with her engagement. She decided, instead, to tell her parents that they were only dating and that Pedro was in the country on a student visa. In the end, Chantel’s parents were very hurt that she hadn’t told them the truth from the beginning. It also put Pedro in a tough spot because he was caught in a lie he didn’t want to make.

Their story is a great reminder that a lie isn’t ever really worth it. Whether the lie is to your significant other, or about your relationship, it pays to just be honest up front. The truth is more than likely going to come out eventually, so you might as well save the drama.

6. Talk about what makes you uncomfortable and let your partner know your expectations for the relationship

Andrei and Elizabeth-90-day-fiance

We all have that line that we don’t want our partner to cross under any circumstance. Maybe your “line” is your partner talking to an ex, or maybe it’s tickling you in that spot you hate. Different things bother different people, and it’s important to know what’s okay (and what’s not) when it comes to your partner.

Season 5 couple Andrei and Elizabeth had some issues before their wedding. Elizabeth’s sisters were concerned that Andrei would discourage Elizabeth from going out and partying with them. It seemed like a non-issue to Elizabeth, but it brought up a really important point.

No one should be bossed around by their partner, but sometimes you might have to do something, or even abstain from doing something, in order to keep peace in the relationship.

In the show, Andrei told Elizabeth what he wasn’t comfortable with her bachelorette party plans. They had to find common ground between what she wanted to do and what he wanted her to do during the party, and there was some tension, but in the end they seemed to respect each other’s boundaries.

Of course, you can’t make a whole list of things your partner can’t do. And you certainly can’t let your partner make your choices for you, but being upfront and honest about what makes you uncomfortable can help build trust, especially in a new relationship.

7. Be conscious of what you’re saying

90-day-fiance

It’s important to encourage your partner to do better, but insulting them is not the way to do it. Azan, from Morocco, was critical of Nicole’s weight multiple times in the show. He said he was only pointing it out because he wanted her to be healthier and share his interest in exercise… but that’s definitely not how it came off. He called her lazy and his words were often hurtful.

Azan’s situation is a good reminder to be careful about what you say to your partner.

I know I sometimes say things that end up sounding pretty harsh, even if I said them with the best intentions. It happens to the best of us. Whether you’re telling your partner to eat healthier or to take out the trash, there are certain ways to say things so that it doesn’t sound like an insult. Try not to get too personal about your partner’s issue, and use kind words when being critical.

8. Be supportive of your partner’s job and hobbies

Russ and Paola 90 day fiance

Being supportive of your partner’s job and their dreams is always so important to a relationship… but it can sometimes be hard to muster up the support when it might not have been your first choice for them.

Russ and Paola went through some trouble when Paola began modeling professionally and Russ didn’t agree with her choices. He didn’t want her posing topless and didn’t like the idea of moving to Miami. To an extent, Russ had a point. His job was in Oklahoma, he owned a home in Oklahoma, and he came from a conservative background. At first, it was hard for him to get on board with her modeling and the move.

Still, just because your partner’s dreams aren’t easy for you to support, it doesn’t mean your partner can’t pursue them. In the end, Russ was supportive of Paola’s modeling, and it made her happy. He was able to support his wife, giving the rest of us a great example to follow.

Just because reality shows highlight the craziest and most dramatic things in a relationship, doesn’t mean there isn’t something to learn from these shows. These tips are valuable lessons that can help you, and your partner, foster a great, lasting relationship.

If you want to know some tips to find the love of your life check out 5 Hopeful Dating Tips, From A Woman Who Finally Found Love. Consider signing up for a LOVE TV Membership and you can get one-on-one help from love gurus and relationship experts. 

These Inspirational Celebrity Couples Will Fill Your Heart With Love

by Kelley Lynnin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

With the recent passing of Valentine’s Day, and this month being The Oscars, I thought it might be uplifting, hopeful, and fun, to create a list of famous or celebrity couples that feel inspirational and exude positivity in some way.

In Hollywood, hearing about couples separating, or bouncing from partner to partner, is practically commonplace these days.

The list below are couples from all walks of life, famous or well-known for different reasons/things, and are, at the time of publication, still together.

While I cannot guarantee these couples will remain together forever, I will say that right now, on this day, they definitely inspire me, for many various reasons. Some got together out of difficult circumstances, others use their love and influence to help other people, while some seem to have a really beautiful and genuine love story.

Let’s take a look at some of the famous couples in the modern day age, that have given me inspiration about love. And if you want to speed up your search for the kind of love that lasts, let us help you! Join LOVE TV today.

Michael J. Fox and Tracy Pollan:

Tracy Pollan, Michael J. Fox

The couple first met on the set of Family Ties, back in 1982, started dating a few years later, and have been going strong ever since. This year, they will celebrate 30 years of marriage, with 4 children between them.

Fox told People magazine that one of the things that keeps their relationship strong, is keeping “separate bathrooms and separate DVRS, because we don’t watch a lot of the same shows, and knowing what goes on in the bathroom with your partner, sort of kills the mood in the bedroom.” I agree totally!

Fox was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease in 1991, and the couple decided to go public with it in 1998. In living with this disease, the couple feels they have grown closer over the years and through the hardships.

Pollen told Oprah Winfrey in an interview that it is because of Fox’s positive and realistic attitude about his condition, that they are able to live life with joy. Eventually, Michael stepped into his new role as founder of the Michael J. Fox Foundation for Parkinson’s Research, where he and Tracy have been able to create great change and hope for thousands of people.

Fox is dedicated to finding a cure, through aggressively funded research. To date, the foundation has been able to award $56 million and counting, in grants, to accelerate Parkinson’s research.

Tracy and Michael are an inspiration, because they have longevity and love, through incredibly difficult times. They work as a team to give hope to themselves and others.

George and Amal Clooney:

Save Download Preview George Clooney, Amal Clooney

This is one supercouple who uses their collective influence to make great change in the world.

Even before he met Amal, Clooney was always known as a bit of an activist in the Hollywood world, and a man with a big selfless heart. So, it seems almost fitting that after years of being an unmarried bachelor dating lots of different women, he would end up with a powerful human-rights lawyer, someone who worked on the famous Enron case, and fights for Syrian refugees, and against genocide.

Clooney met Amal without ever having to leave his house, because why should he have to go out and find love like the rest of us? He was sitting at home one July day in 2013, when his agent called and said he had a friend he was going to bring over for dinner, and told George “this is the woman you are going to marry.”

After a long friendship through emails, they fell in love while Clooney was filming a movie at Abbey Road, in London. He invited Amal to come watch, meet him for lunch, and the rest is history.

“How do you impress someone who has fought on behalf of victims of ISIS? Bring them to Abbey Road, I guess”, Clooney has joked.

In April of 2014, Clooney proposed in his L.A. home, over homemade pasta dinner (he cooks too)! Ever the romantic, he got down on one knee in his dining room, with a 7-karat diamond ring, while his Aunt Rosemary Clooney’s song “Why Shouldn’t I?” played in the background.

They married in Venice, Italy, in front of friends and family.

The pair unexpectedly had 2 kids, and Clooney, who is 17 years older than his wife, is now a dad in his late 50’s, and loving it. The two spend their time working, raising their family, and giving back in several ways.

Most recently, they took in a teenage Syrian refugee boy, who who had escaped war, poverty, and genocide. This couple is an inspiration because they found love later in life (especially George), and they genuinely care about others, and about doing their part to make the world a better place.

Ellen and Portia DeGeneres:

Portia de Rossi, Ellen DeGeneres love

The two prominent female figures had met a few times at events over the years, but the timing was never right. Then, in 2005, at a photo shoot, they connected again, and Portia said later of Ellen: “She took my breath away.”

By 2006, they were sharing a home, a ranch, and several rescue animals they took in as pets. In fact, the couple has devoted much of their life and time together to rescuing animals, and giving back.

The couple is also known for being historic. When they first got together, gay marriage was still not legal in the state of California. On May 15th, 2008, after the California Supreme Court struck down a law blocking gay marriage as unconstitutional, Ellen announced on the air of her Daytime Emmy Award winning talk show, that the two would marry. She and Portia got married August 16, 2008, at her Beverly HIlls estate.

The couple remains very much in love, and both have given back to the community in so many ways. DeGeneres, as well as winning over 16 Emmys Awards for her show, Ellen, has earned her reputation as one of the most giving celebrities ever, donating millions of dollars over the years to help animals, kids, and education.

She and Portia have vocally fought on behalf of many causes from endangered elephants to LGBTQI rights.

This couple is inspirational to me, because they care so much, they take action, and they work so well together as a team, in support of each other. IT has been beautiful to watch.

Barack and Michelle Obama:

Barack and Michelle Obama by chuck kennedy

Their story began early, when a young Michelle was assigned to mentor a young Barack, at a Chicago law firm. The two connected, but kept things professional. Their first date, later on, was seeing the film “Do the Right Thing” in 1989.

They dated for three years, and married in 1992. A campaign run, 2 kids, and a Presidency with 8 years in the White House later, the Obamas now live in a regular house of their own, just a few miles down the road from that famous address.

There are a few reasons I chose them. I don’t think I have ever seen a couple, especially one in politics, that is so very obviously, deeply in love with one another. The hundreds of pictures taken of them together by the White House photographers, show one thing for certain; there is a very real and genuine love between these two.

Second, they are one of the few couples in the White House, to never have any major scandals or weirdness surrounding their relationship. No affairs, no bad behaviors with interns, no disrespect toward one another, none of that.

Whenever you hear former President Obama speak of his wife Michelle, it is always with great admiration, respect, and romance. He lights up when he talks about her. This goes the opposite way as well. Michelle has said that not only was Barack a great President, but a wonderful father, husband, and man.

They are historic in every way. The first black president. The first black first lady. The first African-American family in the White House. And just like with their marriage, their children also seem to be respectful and lovely people.

They seem like a family of people I’d love to hang out with. Michelle and Barack seem like the real deal —  just regular folk, who happen to have been our president and first lady, for 8 historic years.

They are inspirational because they changed what was possible in America. They gave us hope and they continue to try and make change when it comes to our country’s future.

These are the couples I chose to highlight, but several others also come to mind with Honorable Mentions, such as: Meryl Streep and Don Gummer, Katie Couric and John Molner, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, and Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos.

What couples would you choose to add to this list as inspirational or hopeful in some way? Why did you choose them? Add your favorite famous couples below!

How Reducing Stress Completely Changed My Relationships

by Lindsay Hayesin LOVE, Mind, RELATIONSHIPS, Wellness

We all live complicated lives working hard and playing hard. But when stress tarts to take its toll, here is what you can do to keep your relationships solid.

Stress sucks. What I didn’t know was that it was tearing my relationships apart. Work stress, health problems, and life seem to have ganged up and attacked all at once. The stress and negativity quickly gave way to relationships woes.

We have to be on our A game for our clients, colleagues, boss, etc. By the time many of us get around to spending time with our SO, we don’t have much left to give. The sad truth is, the people most important to us often get our worst selves. Their unconditional love means we sometimes take the “unconditional” part for granted.

Being in love doesn’t actually mean your SO is going to stick around forever if things go south. I was unhappy, which meant he was unhappy. Things had to change. If you’re in the same boat, don’t forget we’ve got a way to help. Join LOVETV today.

So I did some research. There are lots of articles about how to de-stress. I read many of them and applied what I could to my life. Here’s what happened:

1.Finding the positive meant we were less defensive with each other.

adorable couple in love

When you complain about everything all the time, it’s easy for your friends and lover to start wondering if you’re complaining about them too. After all, if nothing makes you happy, how can they have a shot?

I made an active effort to find the positive, to appreciate it, and voice that appreciation. When I stopped complaining I eventually noticed he no longer said things like “don’t get mad but” or “don’t take this the wrong way.” Simply because I had stopped automatically taking it the wrong way.

2.Vent productively

young couple bickering over bills

We all need to vent. But that doesn’t give you permission to go on, and on, and on, and on about Bob or Phil at work who constantly interrupts you and talks like she’s explaining quantum physics to a 5 year old.

It’s better to express your frustration concisely and move on to more interesting conversation. This allows your SO to commiserate and then learn about the delicious lunch you had at a new place.

3.Create space to recharge

Beautiful young couple is drinking coffee talking and smiling while sitting near the window at home

When I read this my first thought was “impossible!” But then I broke down my average day and started to see where I would rearrange, reconsider, and remove some busyness. Could I give up an hour of Netflix for a long shower or warm bath? What if instead of coming home and immediately starting laundry, I did yoga for 20 minutes? Too much laundry? Maybe you can do yoga (or whatever makes you smile) while the washer is doing it’s thing.

Now when my SO comes home, instead of being drained from going from my day job to chores at home, I’m actually smiling.

4.Find a hobby you enjoy

couple camping

When busyness is causing you stress, it seems odd that the answer is to add one more thing to your day. But the importance and benefit of hobbies can’t be overstated. If all you do is work of course you’re unhappy!

There were two immediate benefits of taking up a hobby. The first was that it forced some boundaries with my work schedule. Sure I could work an 11 hour day but I’m someone’s belay partner at our rock climbing gym, so they’ll have to make do with 9 (or even 8) hours.

And since I found a hobby I could do with my SO, it gave us something to smile about and new fun friends to talk to.

5.Express Gratitude

sweet couple in love

You’ve heard it a million times but that is because it’s so important. Why are you with him or her? Seriously, stop reading for a few seconds and think about their best qualities.

When is the last time you told them this? Find everyday, little ways to acknowledge what you like about him or her. Who doesn’t want a sincere compliment from someone important in their lives?

Stress sucks but it’s also a choice. You can get through your day and feel like crap because you’re dealing with crap. Or you can stop concentrating on the crap, take care of yourself, notice the good things, and maybe end the day with a smile when you cuddle up next to your sweetheart. It’s totally up to you.

Why the Advice “You’ll Find Love When You Stop Looking” Could be More Harmful Than Helpful

by Jillian Pretzelin DATING ADVICE, LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

This cliché line is helping exactly… no one. So why are we still saying it?

When you’re single and looking for love, you’re bound to hear some useless (and cliché) dating advice.

You might be familiar with famous eye-rollers such as: “You just need to get out more” or “Just have fun, don’t overthink it.” Sigh.

But one piece of advice sticks out to me as particularly unhelpful: “You’ll find love when you stop looking.”

Don’t get me wrong, I understand where this idea comes from. After all, it sort of makes sense: if you’re not stressed out about finding love you’ll probably feel more relaxed, conversations will feel less forced, and you might even be more likely to take chances.

But there’s a problem with this “stop looking” logic.

Dr. Pepper Schwartz, a relationship expert (best known for Lifetime’s Married at First Sight), points out that it’s like saying, “You’ll find a job when you’re least looking for it.”

“It’s possible,” she says, “but rarely happens.” She adds that,“For the most part, people who wait for a job are unemployed. For me, it’s just an excuse for being scared to go and put the effort in. Yes, it happens, but no, it’s not a good strategy.”

And sure, maybe one day someone great will fall into your lap: you’ll have instant chemistry, everything in common, and the two of you will live happily ever after. We’ve all heard stories where something like that happens to a friend of a friend, so I guess it’s possible.

But you shouldn’t bet on it.

“You’ll find love when you stop looking” is dumb

People like to say things like “stop looking for love” because trying to find a great relationship is hard and not finding someone after putting yourself out there can be disappointing. You could potentially do everything right: you could introduce yourself to new people, go on dating sites, join clubs, go on blind dates, and still not have that special someone to bring to your cousin’s wedding.

It can be disheartening, scary, and disappointing to be out there looking for love knowing that there are no guarantees when it comes to relationships. Dating can make anyone feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. So, taking a step back and saying “Psh, I’m not even looking for love right now” might seem like a good way to make sure you aren’t disappointed.

But stopping the search isn’t the answer.

In fact, putting yourself out there and setting yourself up for disappointment is part of the whole “relationship” thing. Looking for love and finding is all about leaning into the scary stuff: putting yourself out there, being vulnerable, and taking chances. And that doesn’t end once you get into a relationship.

In fact, it’s usually just the beginning.

I met my fiancé in high school. We’ve been together for almost a decade now and in just a couple months we’ll be getting married. I know how uncommon it is to marry your high school sweetheart (in fact, it’s statistically ridiculous). So, for a long time I thought we were the poster couple for the “you’ll find love when you’re not looking” philosophy.

After all, people were always saying I was so lucky to have found my future husband so early in life. And I am lucky. I’m blessed with a great relationship with an amazing guy, but our relationship isn’t based on luck or chance. We didn’t get to 10 years by accident.

We choose each other.

Happy loving couple

We’ve been together for so long because every day we make the choice to be together. We make ourselves vulnerable every day: taking risks and making compromises. We make plans around each other. We have love because we truly and completely want it, and are willing to work for it.

I like Dr. Pepper Schwartz’s advice because I think that getting into a relationship is a lot like landing an amazing job. To get that job you’re probably going to have to put in a lot of effort: you’ll need to go back to school or get some training. You’re going to need to do some research and improve your skills.

You might even need to update your résumé, get a new suit, and all-around make yourself a good candidate for the job. And if you don’t get one job, it could be embarrassing or disheartening, but soon you’ll find a new one and you’ll apply for that too.

But the important thing is that it doesn’t get easier once you finally do get hired. It’s really only then when the real work starts. That’s when you have to start making compromises, focusing more time on your career, and working hard to make the relationship…I mean job… great.

You can’t be afraid to do all the things you need to do to find a partner, because that same stuff is required to maintain the relationship. This idea that singles should stop looking, that they’ll get more out of trying less is only setting people up for disappointment and bad relationships… and that isn’t fair.

Like I said, when you’re single, you’re going to get all kinds of bad advice. But the idea of trying less is probably one of the worst.

Maybe there is no great advice that works for everyone, no magic words of wisdom to guarantee everyone exactly the relationship they want. But, I’ve found that if you can take the risks and do the work to find someone special, you’ll be ready for the relationship, and the love, you deserve.

Why Young Hollywood is Getting Engaged and Married Super Early…Should You?

by Kate Oczypokin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

You’ve seen the headlines—Pete and Ariana, Justin and Haley—young Hollywood seem to be getting engaged and married earlier than ever.

As someone who is most likely going to marry later in life, I was intrigued by the trend of young Hollywood starting to engage and marry young. It worked decades ago, will it work now? Here is an examination of young Hollywood and everything you’ll want to know about marrying young.

Here is an examination of young Hollywood and everything you’ll want to know about marrying young.

Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande

The Saturday Night Live star, 24, and singer had a quick courtship and within weeks were engaged. Davidson told Variety that he never planned to get married. He also never thought he’d meet anyone like Grande, calling her the “coolest, hottest, nicest person” he’s ever met. Davidson constantly gushes about how lucky he is to be engaged to Grande (most recently he appeared on the season premiere of SNL talking about it).

Grande, 25, has seemed just as equally smitten with Davidson. She named a song after him on her newest album Sweetener. She also admitted on an episode of The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon that she had a big crush on Davidson from the time she first met him while hosting SNL. She even joked to a manager that she would “marry him” one day.

Ariana and Pete

Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin

The “Baby” singer, 24, and Baldwin, a model, married in mid September 2018 after almost a decade of being on-again, off-again. The two first met back in 2009 at The Today Show and were introduced by Baldwin’s dad Stephen. Baldwin, 24, and Bieber stayed in touch and by 2014, the two were denying that they were dating.

By January 2016, the two became “Insta” official. Throughout the next few years, Bieber and Baldwin went quiet, around the time he reignited his relationship with Selena Gomez. Finally, in May 2018 they became friendly again and four months later, they wed.

Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner and Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra

While Joe was 28 when he asked Turner to marry him. Turner, however, was just 21. The two became “official” in January 2017 when Turner Instagrammed a photo of Jonas holding a cigar on a boat in Miami.

News of the relationship came out officially in June 2017 when it was reported Joe was “taking the relationship very seriously.”

Joe’s brother Nick, 26, took the opposite route and asked the 10-years-his-senior actress Priyanka Chopra. Despite having four years left until he hits 30, Nick is known in his age group as mature.

Why might they be getting engaged and married young?

Think of it this way—many of us wait nowadays to marry in order to establish ourselves in our careers and earn money. Celebrities like Justin Bieber and the Jonas brothers may be engaged and married because they’ve found their success already at such a young age. They managed to make millions before even being eligible to vote or drive.

This article from E News said it best: famous people in their early 20s sort of grow up in reverse. While they were busy earning money we were teenagers with our first cell phones, watching the beginnings of reality TV.

If you’re worried about whether or not you’re settling down later in life, don’t fret. These celebrities never had their teenage years like we did. They grew up in the spotlight where every little move they made was scrutinized. We were allowed to mess up, date and become our own people with a sense of anonymity.

In fact, we are all actually in the majority. According to a Pew Research Center study, the median age of a first marriage in the country has risen to 27 and 29 for women and men. Four decades ago the ages were 20 and 23, respectively.

For celebs who crave traditionality, getting engaged and married may be one of the few “normal” things they do in their lives.

Is marrying young right for you?

If your significant other and you are young and thinking about getting married, it’s important to think about a few things before you take the plunge. To give you a bit of hope, a research study by the National Institutes of Health said that the ages of 22 to 25 is the alleged sweet spot to get married (so perhaps there’s hope for young Hollywood!).

Wanting kids is another reason for marrying young. Just think, you’re younger and most likely healthier and more energetic, making it easier to run after little ones.

While marrying young is often a controversial topic, it’s crucial to think not only about age when you decide to get engaged. Your partner should share similar values as you, be able to tell you everything and vice versa, respect you and make you strive to be the best version of yourself. After all, age really is just a number, right?

Notes From My Final Bachelorette

by Virginia Jonesin Sex, SEX TIPS

How We Prepared Emma For The Adventure Of Marriage

Meeting The Crew  

My baby sister Emma is getting married, and we meet up in New Orleans to celebrate.  Her bachelorettes are a combination of big-city career women and her high-school friends, and of course her two sisters, who have already been married and divorced, but are trying to maintain a good attitude.  We’ve got single people, people in long term relationships, and lots of married women. Lots of advice, lots of perspectives.

Joni got married early and dotes on her two adorable kidlets.  She doesn’t always know about internet slang, memes, who’s president, or other minor trivia.  She’s a busy lady.

Amanda is a corporate woman, also with two small kids, who has just relocated to the midwest with her family.   

Sadie, our other sister,  is divorced with a kid. She’s looking for Mr. Right and has been frustrated with the men she meets on dating sites.

I’m divorced, childless, and happy about it.  I disliked being married and won’t seek it again.

Asha is desperately beautiful, partnered, and a doctor.  She’s seriously intimidating.

Marie is European, never married, and sometimes seems a touch naive.

“It’s not going to be one of those embarrassing Bachelorettes” we say to one another.

“We’re not going to have penis necklaces and straws.  We are sophisticated people. We went to college. We like art.  We’re not going to be basic.”

When we say it, we mean it.  

My sister is getting married to a lovely man.  I’m very happy for her. Men she has dated before have been toxic or distant.  This man is loving, handy, and seems to take real pleasure in making projects for her.  He is kind and smart and I am so excited to have him in my family.

The Adventure Begins

We start the first day with a fancy breakfast and doting waitstaff.  We are offered $24 bottomless mimosas, but we giggle and stick to tea.  My sister is wearing all white and a veil, which she assures us she will be wearing all weekend.

Marie points out that in Europe, the bachelorette party is called a Hen Night. Because so many of us are married and divorced, I identify more with Hen Night than Bachelorette, just busty busybody chickens clucking around.  Joni asks if the bachelors have a Cock Night. This is very funny of Joni until I realize she didn’t mean it to be. Marie says no, in Europe the men have Stag Night, and then, I guess, a chicken and a buck get married.  

bachelorette party

We break for after-brunch drinks.  We explain to Joni that sometimes people pee on each other in bed, and that eggplants are emoji for penises.  Sadie is swiping idly through her Tinder matches, explaining that her only demands are that the applicants have hair and don’t demand NSA hookups.  We explain to Joni what NSA hookups are. Marie wants to stop on the pictures with taut, hairless abs, but I tell her that if a guy leads with his abs, he’ll show them to everyone.  I want to swipe right on a cute artist named Will but Sadie stops me. “He doesn’t have a job and he doesn’t have a kid. I know that right now.” She dismisses him. I keep trying to tell her that, as we move into our fourth decade on earth, she might have to be flexible on hair.  “Nothing doing”, Sadie says. “I’m not matching with a bald POS like my ex-husband.” She tells us that, hilariously, he blamed her for his hair loss. “Look”, he said, “I wasn’t balding when we met.” I laugh, but I’m also sad.

We have a day of bachelorette adventure.  We drink terrible drinks. We dance to jazz bands.  Our bride is congratulated, over and over. We beam with pride. We drink. We take a ghost tour. We drink. We see a psychic, and drink.

We compare our psychic readings.  Asha has been told she’s very lustful, and not apologetic about it.  She agrees 100%. She enjoys sex, and resents how her mother talked to her about sex, that it was something men always wanted and that women never wanted, but which had to occasionally be tolerated. She has a healthy sex drive but spent most of her young adulthood feeling ashamed.

Sadie was told that, after a terrible marriage and some disappointing dating, she is still too angry to successfully partner with a new person, that she is a teflon pan on which no-one can find purchase.  

Emma’s reading is exciting and rosy, about her new role as wife and her new life.

My reading is mostly about career and goals, but at one moment the psychic cocks her head and asks, and you’re seeing someone?  And I say yes, and she says, and it’s good, and I agree, it is. It may seem like faint praise, but it is good, and I’m grateful.

Yelling At Clowns

The second morning, we head to the famous Cafe Du Monde for coffee and beignets.  A colorfully dressed clown crows when he sees my sister’s veil and he starts making her a penis crown out of balloons.  It is almost pornographic in its detail. This is not his first penis crown. We refuse it. “This,” I tell him, “is not that kind of bachelorette.  We are not interested in being covered in penises.” He spreads his hands and pretends to be offended. “And besides,” I continue playfully, “all penises are pretty much the same.  They don’t matter.” The clown angrily starts listing types of penises. “They can be big! Small! Curved! Straight!” We are grateful to be seated and get away from the clown yelling about penises.

I think we try to simplify down to penises because love itself is so scary and full of unknowns.  People can change, their goals and life veer away from each other, they can fall in love with other people or just out of love with each other, so we like to simplify it.  Penises it is. I get up to go to the bathroom and when I get back, my sister is wearing a penis crown. It has been given to her by a stranger. As we eat our beignets, we explain to Joni the concept of polyamory.  “Is that”, she asks, “legal?” We assure her that it is. What she’s thinking of is polygamy. If you don’t marry everyone, we tell her, you can sleep with as many people as you want. She smiles and shakes her head.

Girls Party. Beautiful Women Friends Having Fun At Bachelorette

SAME PENIS FOREVER

That afternoon,  we have a lingerie shower.  Suddenly, there are penis straws and a penis pinata and a sign that reads “SAME PENIS FOREVER.”  Where did all the penises come from? No-one knows.

My sister opens all her fancy underwear and we laugh and clap.

I ask the room for marriage advice for Emma.

Joni offers, “always give him a blowie on his birthday.”  I raise my eyebrows at the idea of an annual blowjob.

Asha protests.  “What if”, she asks, “ you really like giving them?”

Joni blushes and says, “Oh, I guess you could do more!  Just- not less.”

I tell Emma that you should always support each other.  You should always try to give them the best of your time and attention.  This, because it is not about sex, is boring the room. I also give them my Dad’s advice to me, which was never to do a chore that you don’t want to do for the rest of your life.  On some level, your spouse is a roommate that you hope will never move out.

Sadie says that although Emma has been distracted by the wedding, that’s just a fun party.  The thing to concentrate on is the marriage, that’s the long term project that will shape her life and her partner’s life.  Emma nods and smiles but doesn’t really seem to take it in. Sadie and I laugh together because this is the best advice she got on her wedding day, but didn’t recognize until years later.  Weddings are a lot of noise and dresses and expense, maybe to distract you from the profundity of sealing your life to another person.

Amanda offers that you should marry your best friend.  This is simple but profound. We all nod. Beauty fades and they lose their hair, but when you really like each other, you’ll get through the hard parts.  

“There is no long relationship”, I say, “Without hard work.  Everyone has to work. The idea that your relationship will be good without work is the biggest lie of all.”  Joni agrees and says, “it’s weird, all the movies end with the couple getting married and nobody wants to talk about what happens after that, which is the rest of your life.”  “That’s true”, interjects Sadie- “if a couple is married at the beginning of the movie, they’ll either split up and get back together, or split up and meet other people, or one of them is going to get kidnapped or die.  There is nothing interesting to Hollywood about a successful marriage.” After all of our deep thoughts on partnership, we’re ready to go out.

By the end of the second day, I am wearing a themed bachelorette t-shirt, a sash, and a light-up twinkly flower crown.  I now understand how dogs feel when we dress them up for Halloween.

We are walking up and down Frenchman street, being congratulated by fellow celebrants.  I get away from my sisters for a moment and rejoin them in a bar moments later.

bachelorette party

“Where”, my sister asks, “is your crown?”  
“I don’t know”, I tell them, but I do know.  It’s in the trash can outside.

We go sing karaoke, taking over a small room.  We sing all the songs about what we want from marriage, “Respect” by Aretha Franklin, “I Will Always Love You” sung by Whitney Houston, and Joni sings “Goodbye, Earl” by the Dixie Chicks, about friends getting together to murder an abusive husband.   I am not sure this is what we want for wedding wishes, but that’s what we’ve got. We go to a late night dance party hosted by one of the parade Krewes and have a great time before heading back to the hotel, picking our way through the streets strewn with beads and beer cups.

The last morning of the trip, I spend some quiet time with Sadie.  We talk about what we’ve learned from our marriages, and how we wish we could give Emma everything we know.  We love her and we love her intended, and that has to be enough. We separate, hugging and crying, to see each other in our matching gowns in a month.