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Size Never Matters, Trust Me.

March 28, 2017January 22, 2024 by Amy Albertin Sex

Mark had established a bit of a reputation for himself within the small window of time that he was employed at this restaurant as quite the Lothario because of the fact that he was blessed with what was rumored to be a huge penis.

When I was in my early 20’s I spent a summer waitressing at this sweet, kitschy restaurant in the Bay Area when out of nowhere the guy I had been dating, who I was utterly obsessed with, dumped me. I was crushed! Like, “broken, crying in a Target dressing room, writing shitty sad songs on my guitar that I could barely play, watching back-to-back Ally McBeal episodes to cope” crushed. A bartender, who we’ll call Mark, had been working there for a couple of months, and even though I wasn’t attracted to him, I liked the attention he gave me was, for all intents and purposes, totally harmless. Mark had established quite the reputation for himself within the small window of time that he was employed at this restaurant as quite the Lothario because of the fact that he was blessed with what was rumored to be a huge penis. One of the women who was supposedly impressed with it described it as “a baby’s arm holding an apple” and another called it the “anaconda”. My best gay friend who worked with me would constantly ask questions about said “huge” penis after it was revealed that one of our co-workers would have a run-in with it. He loved hearing all the dirty details about this guys wang. I would laugh and gasp and feign being all into it as they would describe every curve and angle of this man’s anatomy, but really it sort of grossed me out! Why would I want something described as an infant’s appendage grasping a piece of fruit anywhere near my vag? Ew!

As the end of my shift rolled around one eve a couple of weeks after me getting dumped I was glumly cashing out my checks for the night at the kitschy bar of the kitschy restaurant. Mark made me a drink and asked what was going on. I told him how I was heartbroken and just destroyed about it. I confessed that I thought I was in love with this guy, and when I learned that he was seeing someone else the entire time we were dating I was so humiliated! Mark listened intently to my sob story, nodding at the appropriate times while refilling my glass when it got half empty.

About an hour and a half and two thirds into my third drink later, he gently tucked my hair behind my ear and said, “You know, I have a great way to get you over that guy.” He smiled and suddenly looked very cute to me. I laughed awkwardly and told him I didn’t want to mess up our friendship. He agreed, but said he was always available to me if I ever wanted to “have the best night of my life.”

“It’s the only sure fire way to move on, in my opinion. I’ll rock your world, I promise.”

I excused myself to the bathroom and stood at the sink, staring at my reflection in the mirror. I had never really done anything like that before, just slept with a guy to make myself feel better. But…maybe he was right? Surely a guy who’s confident like that must be great in bed! Maybe this guy’s legendary dick would be just the elixir to cure my blues! Maybe I was about to have the best freakin’ night of my life and my world rocked! So I marched out to the bar, grabbed my bag and told him I would follow him home.

45 minutes later I’m at Mark’s apartment and we’re making out in his kitchen. We had a little trouble getting on the same page in terms of the kissing, but I figured I was a little tipsy, and he could be too, so maybe that was it. Then he takes my hand and leads me into his bedroom, which had posters of girls with huge hair in ripped half tops with the bottom of their nipples hanging out, like he was 15. “Well”, I thought, “he clearly likes girls, so that’s good!” We start getting undressed and I noticed that he ripped his clothes off with such enthusiasm that he reminded me of a little kid tearing into a Christmas gift. He turns around to face me and I see it. The “Baby’s arm holding an apple”. The “Anaconda”. This “huge” penis. And it’s pointed right at me. Watching me. I felt like if I tried to move around the room it would follow me, like the Mona Lisa.

We get into bed and he immediately mounts me without any warning or foreplay. Just in a, “Hello, welcome to my body weight pressing the breath out of you because women think being crushed is super hot!” type of way. His face was right on my face smashed together, which felt way too intimate for the moment, and now that I think of it is probably way too intimate for any moment ever. He asks me if I’m “good and ready”, to which I reply with a “yup” that I wheezed out because I couldn’t breathe due to his man body carelessly draped across mine, and a thumbs up, always an appropriate way to start sex when you’re getting ready to have the” best night of your life!”

Then it “started” And by that I mean a solid 20 minutes of him grunting and sweating on me while his giant penis went from an “Anaconda” to one of those balloon dudes who alert people to a sale or a new car wash after they had been deflated and were just weirdly flopping around with the wind. He kept slapping it on my thigh, squeezing his eyes shut and whispering, “Come on, man!” to whom I can only assume was his penis.

At one point he abruptly stood up and went over to the corner of his bedroom, like a scene out of The Blair Witch Project, where he got really quiet. I figured he trying to reason with it, talk it out like bros. When he returned to his bed, which didn’t have a fitted sheet by the way, there was a glimmer of hope in his eye, so I assumed they had worked out their differences and were ready to proceed as scheduled. Unfortunately it appeared that the penis and the man were on two different pages completely that evening.

Eventually I told him I had to go. “Early morning.” I said, like I was a regretful fella dressed in a cheap suit in an 80’s movie who just cheated on his wife with his best friends fiancé, “Gotta get my beauty sleep.” I got up and started to get dressed as fast as I could. I didn’t feel the need to hang out and make it even more uncomfortable than it was. He just lay in his bed on his side with his head propped up in his hand, nodding and telling me he “had to get up early too, so it was probably a good move to hit the sack.” I pulled on my shoes and waved goodbye and I exited his place so quickly I practically left a cartoon puff of smoke in my wake. I walked to my car noting to myself that in the future I should ask what one’s definition of rocking a world is, because I probably would’ve taken a rain check in this case.

The next day as I rolled silverware Mark noticed me and sat down at the booth. He casually mentioned that he had a “good time” the night before, but this time when he smiled he had reverted back to the version of himself that I didn’t find attractive at all. He asked me if I’d like to come by for “a little round two action”, which I politely declined. He told me that if I ever needed him again, I knew his number. “Oh, I got your number alright, stud.” I said under my breath as he walked away.

He walked back to the bar where he immediately started putting the moves on a woman sitting there alone, and I realized that for the first time in a while I wasn’t bummed about the guy who dumped me. And while he certainly didn’t rock my world, or give me the best night of my life, I realized in that moment that I appreciated him and his baby’s arm for taking my mind off things and giving me a pretty decent bad sex story to write about many years later.

“Dancing With the Stars” The Love Meter Review from LOVE TV – Week Two

March 29, 2017January 22, 2024 by Kelley Lynnin RELATIONSHIPS

Here is the break down of the couple’s chemistry or lack thereof and who gave us fever this week…

So, last week, we here at LOVE TV began a fun new new venture – rating the chemistry of each pair of dancers on the hit show: “Dancing With the Stars”, in our weekly “Love Meter Review.” Tom Bergeron, TV’s wittiest host, was kind enough to share our first piece on his Twitter page (a “retweet.”) The idea is simple: While the judges panel is busy giving their scores on and judging the dancing and technique, we use our own very special and scientific method (I made it up) to determine the chemistry or lack thereof, from week to week, of each couple. Now, as the stress gets higher in the competition, or as relationships grow and change between pairs, their chemistry can also change. We also have a cast filled with some pretty colorful personalities this season, so things could get interesting. Last week, since it was the premiere episode, nobody was eliminated. This week, the first elimination took place, which I will reveal at the end of the article who went home (I don’t think anyone is really surprised here by who it was.) So, let us begin!

**NANCY AND ARTEM- *Code Red**

They did a Latin dance, and as much as Artem tries to build up Kerrigan’s ego, it is fragile from her many days as an Olympian, listening to the harsh critiques of Russian judges screaming at her. Seriously, when Artem tried to simply compliment Nancy during rehearsal footage, she had a breakdown and ran away crying, saying: “He’s saying nice things to me! I cant handle this right now!” Seriously, what the hell do these Olympic coaches and judges do to these athletes psyche? Artem is trying, but Nancy seems fearful of the words “good job.” She practically runs out of the room screaming. Their dance was pleasant and sweet. Len said: “you lost a bit of control, like my bladder.” Carrie Ann said that Nancy found herself out there.

Judges Scores: 7/7/7/7

Love Meter Score: Well, I would give them a high number, but that might send Kerrigan screaming out of Hollywood and back to her safe space, so let’s go with “CODE RED TRAUMA ALERT” for this week.

**ERIKA AND GLEB- *Glitter**

They did the Foxtrot, and during rehearsals, things seemed a tad odd when he said to cameras: “I like her”, and she said back: “I don’t need you to like me. I need you to make me look good.” He did just that, and their dance was really nice, but I still feel a plastic-like quality to their relationship and bond. Something about it seems a bit superficial. Bruno said the dance was “a sex-trot!”, which I guess means that it was sexy. Len called it a “Beverly Hills Foxtrot”, which I guess means it was glamorous. I still think Gleb is a interesting name, but who cares, when you look like THAT!

Judges Scores: 7/7/7/7

Love Meter Score: “GLITTER.” Very shiny. Very pretty. Falls apart easily.

**CHARO AND KEO-*Hurricane**

This woman is a trip. She HAS to be in her late 70’s if not older. Can someone pleaase find out for me? I dont think its on record anywhere, her age. But those legs and those breasts and those hips, wow! And then she opens her mouth to speak, and it’s like: “what on earth is this woman saying?” Nobody knows. Even Bruno is confused, and he is the KING of nonsense sentences. They did the Paso Doble, and Charo said its a very personal dance for her, and speaks to her passion for Spain and tells the story of her life. When she and Keo speak, its as if they are on two different planets entirely. Also, she is out of control. She screams into the microphone, grabs it from Bergeron, and tries to flee the show, during the show!!! For real. Erin Andrews was interviewing her backstage, and she started running away to go back out onto the dance floor area. Keo had to literally hold her back and stop her. I almost feel like poor Keo has to babysit this crazy chick. I hope he is getting paid extra. Bruno said of Charo: “You are your own creation! You’re a tornado!” Charo replied: “You have a funny accent! Your english sucks!” Really. She said that. She is off her meds I think. Or she’s on Carrie Ann’s meds. Or Len’s. Either way, it’s not good.

Judges Scores: 6/6/7/6

Love Meter Score: I’m giving these two the score of “HURRICANE!” They are a force to be reckoned with, things are flying everywhere, nobody knows what the hell is going on, and when they talk to each other, it just sounds like gusty wind and chaos.

**NICK AND PETA-*Old Couch**

They also did the Foxtrot. Their relationship seems to be growing week by week. Not in a romantic way, but a nice friendship where they are comfortable together and like to tease each other and joke around. They are playful, fun, organic. Their dance was the same. Carrie Ann told Nick: “You have to breathe when you move.” So, yes, that’s helpful advice. Make sure that you inhale and exhale. Len got very grumpy after this dance, and continued that way until the end of the show. Someone must have messed around with his oat bran, or maybe he was upset because someone taped over his episode of “Murder She Wrote” on the DVR at the home. In any case, he wasn’t in a good mood, and yelled at them for being “hectic, no control, madness!” Again, like his bladder. Julianne loved their partnership.

Judges Scores: 7/5/7/6 (the 5 came from Grumpypants Len)

Love Meter Score: I’m giving their chemistry a score of “OLD COUCH.” Comfortable, a bit predictable, soft, easygoing, and you have a feeling there might be an old sock hiding inside of Nick’s Brillo Pad hair-poof.

**HEATHER AND MAKS-*Blind Date**

Well, this week, it will be a bit tough to judge the chemistry of Heather and Maks, since Maks injured himself indefinitely and was unable to dance. He landed wrong on his ankle during rehearsals, and it didn’t sound or look good. So, in came the substitute pro-dancer, Alan, who learned their Jive routine in a matter of hours. I thought they looked great out there, but once again, Len “Get off my lawn, you crazy kids!” Goodman, found a reason to get upset. “It was a waste! I don’t want to see hip-hop! I want to see Jive! Come out here and do a Jive!”

Judges Scores: 8/6/8/8 (guess who the 6 came from?)

Love Meter Score: I’m going to give Heather and her brand new, temporary partner, a love meter score of: “BLIND DATE!”, because that is what this was. I would say it was a successful blind date though. Not sure if there will be a second date or not, but their bond showed promise.

**BONNER AND SHARNA- *Feelin Hot**

These two hotties are still trying to fan the flames of all the rumors being spread from last week’s premiere, that they are dating, they are an item, etc. The chemistry between them is definitely there, and spreading like wildfire, even as they deny that anything is going on. Again in rehearsal footage, Bonner commented to cameras about Sharna’s beauty. “A pretty dance, with a pretty lady.” They were also holding hands during rehearsal footage. Not to sound like I’m in high-school or anything, but these two are SOOOO into each other! Julianne saw it. She said: “I feel like I was watching something unfolding.” Bruno told Bonner not to “go woody.” I don’t even want to know what that means. Len was STILL angry and yelling, and this time, the audience booed him. Tom Bergeron hilariously replied to Len’s grumpy comments: “Well, someone needs a sandwich.”

Judges Scores: 8/6/8/7

Love Meter Score: These two are getting a chemistry score of “FEELIN’ HOT, HOT, HOT!!!!!”

**SIMONE AND SASHA- *Donnie and Marie**

THey did the Cha-cha, and it was pretty hot. Fire in the background. Very passionate. On the dance floor, they were able to get across the sexy hot theme for their dance. But their chemistry is more sibling-like, and I get the feeling that Sasha is very protective of Simone, and it’s kind of sweet. He can also be a bit tough on her, and expects a lot of her. Bruno said: “You set off all the fire alarms!” She felt a bit weird trying to be sexy, but she pulled it off well.

Judges Scores: 7/7/7/8

Love Meter Score: I’m giving them a chemistry ranking of “DONNIE AND MARIE OSMOND.” Syrupy-sweet siblings with lots of spunk and talent.

**CHRIS AND WITNEY- *Mommy is Proud**

Well, since he was SO awful last week, of course this week, they make us all feel badly about saying that he was so awful, by sharing his tragic story of how he is basically dancing with an almost broken spine and back. This happened years ago, and apparently, its a miracle he is even able to move, and was told he couldn’t do his physical comedy anymore that he was so known for. Even Witney was crying while looking at his sad x-ray pictures of his spine. So, NOW you tell us!!! Anyway, he still seems defensive to me. Not sure what to make of their dance. It was once again all over the place, and I had no idea what was happening. There was a beret involved, lots of extra background dancers, quite confusing. Julianne called it “focused.” Bruno had the comment of the night when he called the pair: “Marilyn Monroe and Cecille B. Demented!” When they received their scores, Witney was talking to him backstage like he was a puppy. “See that? Good boy! Look! You got a 6! Good boy!”

Judges Scores: 6/5/6/5

Love Meter Score: Their chemistry this week was like that of an overworked, guilty mom with her 11 year old, very sensitive son. “Mommy’s gonna dance with you this week, okay? How does that sound? Does that sound fun? Yes? Good boy!!!!” I give them a score of: “MOMMY IS SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!”

**NORMANI AND VAL – *Strangers In The Night**

They did the Cha-cha. There is an ease between them as partners, but she seems separated from him somehow, like she is somewhere else. Well, technically, she was. Traveling and on tour with her band, but he came with her so they could rehearse during the week. Somehow, they learned the dance and it came across very well. Bruno asked: “What do they serve on that airline? You have such energy! I want to fly with you!” After the show, she was getting on another plane to China. Yikes.

Judges Scores: 8/8/8/8

Love Meter Score: Due to the fact that they barely saw each other this week because of her crazy schedule, I’m giving them a solid score of: “STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT – EXCHANGING GLANCES.”

**RASHAD AND EMMA – *Fever**

How did I not notice this dude’s hotness last week? Or did I, and I’m just noticing it all over again and forgetting that I already did notice it last week? Either way, he is hot. They did the Vienesse Waltz, and it was quite sensual and sexy. Bruno called it “50 Shades of Waltz.” Carrie Ann certainly noticed Rashad’s hotness, with her comment about his: “raw, pedestrian masculinity.” Wow. Down, girl!!! Julianne noted that the way in which he holds Emma, is the way that all women wish to be held. All I know is that I wish to be held – by HIM!!!

Judges Scores: 8/8/8/8

Love Meter Score: This week, they’re getting a chemistry reading of: “YOU GIVE ME FEVER!” They were hot!

**T AND KYM – *Milk Duds**

They did the Paso Doble, and it was to “Eye of the Tiger.” A huge boxing ring was the set-up, and Mr. T was a boxer in the dance. It seemed like more jabbing than dancing, but I’m not here to judge dancing. Their relationship seems very sweet and genuine, and he seems like underneath all those chains and toughness, he might be a big ole’ teddy bear. Carrie Ann said “you are growing and expanding.” I think she meant mentally, but it sounded like she was telling Mr. T that he was getting fat. Julianne said “I think you’re crushing it.” Len took a nap in his oatmeal.

Judges Scores: 6/5/6/5 (Len woke up long enough to give the grumpy 5.)

Love Meter Score: Sorry, but their chemistry felt weak this time around. I’m giving them a score of “MILK DUDS.”

**DAVID AND LINDSAY – *Energy Drink**

Their song was “Bust a Move”, and he was lipsyncing and rapping and having all kinds of fun. He is so adorable. I want to put him in my pocket and take him home. They have such a great energy together. Like two little kids playing at recess. They just always have fun. Their dance was the same.

Judges Scores: 7/6/7/7

Love Meter Score: I’m giving them a score of “ENERGY DRINK.” They are fun and happy and bouncy.

WHO WENT HOME:

Chris and Witney. Not really a surprise there. He looked quite upset to be the first one leaving, because it does suck to be the first one eliminated by votes and scores. He said: “I wish my surgery was noted before this week, but it wasn’t, but I had an incredible time.” He seems like he might go home hurt and angry. Perhaps Tom Bergeron should get security to gently walk him out of the building, just in case. Or send Charo home with him, so she can annoy him into quiet submission.

Stay tuned for more hijinks and hilarity from LOVE TV’s Love Meter, Next Week!!!!

Julia Leigh’s “Sleeping Beauty” Film Subverts Traditional Sexual Politics and Why We Should Care

April 11, 2017January 22, 2024 by Sarah Ewaldin Sex

Are you sleeping through power and consent dynamics?

Leigh has interesting things to say about who wields the male gaze, power and consent.

In the opening scene of Julia Leigh’s 2011 erotic drama “Sleeping Beauty,” we see a researcher wearing a white lab coat guiding a long tube down college student Lucy’s (Emily Browning) throat. Lucy sits perfectly still, with only intermittent gagging as slight signs of resistance.

This scene isn’t sexy (though of course some might disagree), but it tells the audience some key concepts. First, the facts about Lucy’s personality: Loner. Passive. Emotionless. We see how these traits play out in her future. Then there’s the power and sexual dynamics at play: Lucy, the woman, receives from the man, who gives. Throughout the film, these dynamics twist and turn, fighting for supremacy.

Lucy works odd jobs and, like many a broke college student, is always on the lookout for extra cash. She answers a want-ad, and meets with Clara (Rachael Blake), the madam of the operation. Lucy’s job will be to provide silver service (essentially, high-end waitressing) for rich clients, working in a team with other girls. And she does this a few times. After she’s proven herself, Lucy is offered a more lucrative gig: Sleep in bed for one night while a male client can do anything he likes with her, except no penetration and later, leaving no marks on her body.

This film displays its sensuality openly. Leigh has interesting things to say about who wields the male gaze, traditional sexual politics, and consent.

When Lucy arrives for an initial interview with Clara, Clara asks after her health and then asks Lucy to strip down to her bra and underwear. Clara’s male assistant then lightly runs his hands over Lucy’s body, with Clara watching from the side (after lightly cupping Lucy’s breast). Lucy remains motion- and emotionless during this inspection, passive to the end.

Any woman has probably felt the way Lucy felt in this moment: frozen to the spot while being visually dissected. But the other male gaze in the room comes from a woman: Madam Clara eyes Lucy keeping in mind what her clients will like. It adds an unexpected energy and another dimension to the scene.

The silver service scenes are overtly erotic, with Lucy clad in white lingerie and the other girls in black strappy one-pieces with their breasts exposed. This world’s sexual politics are called out from the beginning, with Lucy and the other girls serving a dinner to a group of older men. But Leigh subtly subverts this old boys’ club feeling by giving an older woman a seat at that dining room table. It lends a frisson of tension that this exclusive club admits women, and leads the audience to wonder what might have been, or what could be.

Once Lucy consents to the sleeping gigs, another sexual dynamic plays out. Lucy, while sleeping, is completely passive (which was her choice, as she took the job). This point is hammered home by the men who pass through the bedroom and are curious to see just how “asleep” this beautiful girl is. They push the boundaries: yelling at her, roughly moving her body around, one even burning her with the lit end of his cigarette. It can be hard to watch. Violence can be the flip side of sexual expression, and the two are closely linked in this film.

Lucy’s final action of the film is screaming hysterically, due to an unexpected event. It’s a significant moment: It’s the first time we see Lucy experience such intense emotion, that she makes the choice to feel something. It also happens right when she wakes up. It’s an apt metaphor for the film itself: After being thrust into a world where nontraditional sexual and power dynamics are the norm, you’re thrown back into reality. The dream is gone, and it’s time to wake up.

“Dancing With the Stars” Week 4: The Love Meter Review

April 13, 2017January 22, 2024 by Kelley Lynnin RELATIONSHIPS

Well, it was Week Four on “Dancing With the Stars”, and the show did their signature “Most Memorable Week Ever” show, otherwise known as: “the episode where everybody has an emotional breakdown.” In this week, each of the stars chooses the year of their life that was life-changing or powerful in some way, and then tells that story through their dance. It is always a tear-jerker, and we always find out a lot that we didn’t previously know about each of the contestants. As my favorite host Tom Bergeron said at the top of the show: “It is always one of our most popular and powerful shows.” Yes, it is Tom. So, since the judges panel is already in charge of judging the dancing, we here at Love TV will once again, focus on each couple’s chemistry together, scoring them on our scientific-proven “Love Meter” scale. (I made it up) So here we go. Enjoy ….

NORMANI AND VAL: Anyone for Chinese?

They did the Rumba, and her chosen year was 2012, the year she joined the pop band 5th Harmony and her life changed. The dance was dedicated to her family, who sacrificed everything so she could live her dreams. Julianne said: “You are a powerhouse.” And Bruno yelled while flailing his arms about: “You know what I like, and you give it to me!” Wow, Bruno. Is that the kind of thing that is often said in your bedroom, when it’s just you, yourself, and your right hand? Carrie Ann went into an hour-long definition of what a lift is, because she is obsessed with taking off points if anyone’s toe comes off the floor.

Judges Scores: 8/7/8/9

Love Meter Score: Giving them a chemistry rating of CHINESE FOOD. They are pleasant enough and fun enough to watch, and it tastes good going down, but after awhile, I have forgotten all about them and I’m hungry again.

NICK AND PETA: Hot! Hot!

His most memorable year was 2016, because he met his now fiance Vanessa on “The Bachelor”, and because she would kick his ass on national tv if he had said any other year but that one. Their dance recreated the experience of dating lots of women at once, and then finding love. It was seductive, it was danced to “The Shape of You” so it was more sexual than loving, and it ended by Nick grabbing Vanessa from the audience, lifting up her dress and making out with her a bit too long. Bergeron was trying to move things along before the two went any further, and comedy ensued. Bruno said of shirtless Nick: “Something new is stirring inside you tonight!” (Eww!) Len joked: “Now that I’ve seen you with your shirt off, I see that we have got so much in common.”

Judges Scores: 8/7/8/7

Love Meter Score: Well who cares about Peta and Nick this week – the real chemistry score belongs to Nick and his fiance Vanessa, who practically stripped each other naked on the dance floor and went into full x-rated mode. I’m giving these two a score of TOO SEXY LEVEL HOT!!!

NANCY AND ARTEM: Easy Like Sunday Morning

In this case, the couple’s Foxtrot represented not one year, but an 8 year period in Kerrigan’s life, where she suffered 6 miscarriages. Hearing her talk about it in rehearsal footage was heartbreaking, as she described “feeling like a failure, and shameful.” Eventually, her and her husband went through IVF treatments, and were able to have 2 additional children to add on to the one they had naturally at the start. The dance was soft and lovely, and the judges were moved to tears. Len said that Nancy had “moved from the pack, into a front-runner. Well done!”

Judges Scores: 8/9/8/8

Love Meter Score: I’m giving them a score of LIONEL RICHIE, i.e. “Easy like Sunday morning….”

T AND KYM: Hallelujah!

They did the Waltz, and the year he chose was 1995, when he was diagnosed with a rare cancer. After going through radiation and then chemo, it returned and he needed more treatment. He found his faith that year, and he says that it saved his life. They danced to “Amazing Grace” to give thanks to the miracle of being alive. Carrie Ann said: “Your faith radiated into that dance.” Julianne said: “Your story was so evident on that dance floor.”

Judges Scores: 7/7/7/7

Love Meter Score: Between him and Kym, they are lovely friends indeed. But between him and God? Ill give that score a HALLELUJAH AND AMEN!!!!

HEATHER AND ALAN AND MAKS: The Magic of Three

Yup, the weird threesome continues, as Maks is still unable to dance due to his injury in Week One, so he watches awkwardly from the sideline and cheers his partner on. They did the ChaCha, and the year chosen as 2015, when she married her husband Taylor. They met on MySpace, and Bergeron joked: “The most amazing part of your story is it’s the first time in a decade I’ve heard anyone mention MySpace!” She is a fantastic dancer, but I’m not here to talk about that. The weird part is that she seems to have much better chemistry with Alan, than with Maks. Her and Maks seem blah. Her and Alan are smoother. So what will happen once Maks returns to dance? Who knows. Should be some good drama. Bruno asked the pair: “Can I marry you both?” This threesome just got more interesting.

Judges Scores: 8/9/9/9

Love Meter Score: I’m giving this wacky trio a rating of THREE’S COMPANY. Let the hijinks begin.

DAVID AND LINDSAY: Contagious!

They had the Waltz, and his year was 2016, his last year playing with the Cubs, caught a no-hitter, and they won the World Series. He retired to be a full time dad, and said: “I got to live my dream, my job now is to be a good dad, so they can live their dreams.” His personality rocks. I love watching him. Julianne said: “Your spirit and energy are so infectious.”

Judges Scores: 7/8/8/8

Love Meter Score: Im giving their chemistry a score of THE FLU!!! Highly contagious, and easy to catch.

RASHAD AND EMMA: Emotion

This one was super emotional, and for me, the dance of the night. When Rashad was a child, his dad wasn’t home a lot, because he thought his job was to provide , so he worked hard. Years later, when Rashad was in the NFL, his mom called him in 2006, to tell him his dad had a stroke, and his leg would be amputated. Rashad gave up the big contract to play close to home instead and be with his dad. Everyone thought he was nuts, but him and his dad grew closer and now have this beautiful relationship. At the end of their dance, he ran over to his dad, who is now in a wheelchair and was in the audience, and they both cried as they hugged each other. Julianne called it “motion = emotion. No words.” Highest scores of the season, and everyone on earth was crying.

Judge Scores: 10/9/10/10

Love Meter Score: I’m gonna go with that old classic sketch on “Saturday Night Live” from years ago that Mike Myers used to do: IT WAS LIKE BUTTAH!!!!

ERIKA AND GLEB: UHHHHHH!?

Her story was definitely lacking the emotion that the others had. She chose 1989, because that is the year she moved to NYC and became a real adult. The dance seemed weird, because they used Madonna’s “Express Yourself”, and she seemed like she was trying to BE Madonna. So it seemed more like a weird, out of sync Madonna tribute than having anything to do with her own life. Also, Gleb’s creepy skinny moustache looks like a 70’s porn star. Len said: “It’s a bit same ole, same ole, like my bladder.” Okay, I made that last part up. But the dance was weird.

Judges Scores: 8/7/7/8

Love Meter Score: That was ALL KINDS OF AWKWARD!

BONNER AND SHARNA: Secret Lovers

They did a Foxtrot, and the year was 2016, when he became paralyzed after falling on his head off the bull. It was months of rehab, and hi career was over. “You work so hard for something, and it’s just gone”, he said. Their dance showed this struggle and his climb back up into miraculously being able to dance today. Bruno flirted: “Someone is the new leading man in town!” Bonner seems uncomfortable everytime Bruno speaks, which is hilarious.

Judges Scores: 8/8/8/8

Love Meter Score: Between him and Sharna, I’m going with SECRET LOVERS, because they still seem to have a special connection. Between Bonner and Bruno, I’m going with a reading of THREAT LEVEL: STALKER!

SIMONE AND SASHA: Adorable

They Waltzed, and the year was 2008, which was when she was adopted by her grandparents, who told her to call them mom and dad. Her bio mom was not well, had an addiction, was in and out of jail, and Simone ended up in Foster Home until her grandpa said “I’ll take her.” At the end of the dance, she hugged her parents as they all cried. Len called it her best dance yet.

Judges Scores: 9/9/9/9

Love Meter Score: They are adorable, and their chemistry seems to grow, like EASTER FLOWERS, blooming and fresh.

GOING HOME:

Mr. T went home, unfortunately, but even HE knew he wasn’t any good. “I know I couldn’t dance, but I tried”, he said to Erin Andrews at the end of the show. He is a total sweetheart, and not a good dancer. Stay tuned next week for DISNEY WEEK, when the gang dances to Disney classics, Len takes a well-earned nap, and Bonner gets a restraining order against Bruno.

Rock Your Love and Bedroom Life Using Crystals

April 17, 2017January 22, 2024 by Jo Millerin Sex

What Crystals Would You Use?

More than just pretty stones, crystals have been used for thousands of years for their mystical and powerful healing properties, and are commonly used in alchemic healing remedies, meditation, manifesting, and as sacred tools to support our daily lives. Personally, I find them utterly mesmerizing, and have been using them in my every day life and with my clients, as part of my intuitive coaching practice with truly magical results for many years.

High Vibe Crystals

Specific crystals work with different areas of our bodies, helping to promote a healthy flow of energy. Each stone carries its own unique vibration that can identify, awaken, and elevate those cells in our bodies that are vibrating lower than they should, correcting any imbalances and harmonizing our physical, emotional and spiritual bodies.

More and more, these high vibe gems are finding their way into our self-love practices and the bedroom, as more and more individuals and couples seek to bring an elevated level of consciousness and intention to take their intimacy and sexual mojo to the next level.

Whatever kind of love you’re trying to attract, be it romantic, spiritual or friendship, you must first truly love yourself before you can fully accept or give love to others.

Rose Quartz- Gateway to Love

The beloved Rose Quartz crystal is a universal Heart Chakra healer, and the gateway stone to loving on all levels; self love, romantic partnership, friends, family, and universal relationships. To ground your life in loving energy, wear some Rose Quartz jewelry, sleep with it under your pillow, or tuck a piece into your pocket or even bra as a constant reminder that love is always close by.

Rhodochrosite-Healing Your Heart

This pretty pink stone helps to heal a broken heart and alleviates past hurts by gently cleansing, soothing, and repairing the energy field around our heart. When taken outside on a sunny day, it can absorb the beauty and magic of nature, allowing a sense of compassionate grace and softness to re-enter our lives.

For a beautiful healing self-love meditation, sit quietly with eyes closed and focus on your heart area. Envision a soft green light (the color associated with our Heart Chakra) emanating from the center of your being, and as you exhale, radiate love from your heart through your body in all directions and out into the Universe. As you inhale, visualize that green love light returning to you from all corners of the Universe, a million-fold, filling you up with pure love and light.

Red Garnet- Ignites Romance

Mediating with Red Garnet inspires and ignites love and romance. Use this powerful root chakra crystal when setting your intention to invite an ideal romantic partner into your life.

Clear Quartz –Manifesting Love

This is a manifesting must-have stone. Considered the master healer when used by itself, or as a broadcaster when partnered with other crystals. It cleanses your energetic aura and helps you connect to the best version of you. Clear Quartz is also ideal for using in crystal grids for it’s ability to broadcast the frequency of what you’re consciously creating.

Creating a Crystal Love Grid

To make a “Love Grid” place a Rose Quartz crystal (representing Love) at the center and place smaller pieces of Clear Quartz crystal points around it, arranging them in the shape of an infinity symbol (representing infinite lasting Love). This grid can be set up and left in place for as long as you desire (cleansing crystals weekly for optimal charging). Set your intention for what it is you want to attract into your life and trace an imaginary outline of the grid with your finger, beginning and ending at the Rose Quartz center.

Lapis Lazuli- Rock Your Truth

Communicating your boundaries and desires with clarity, kindness and love is key to fostering respectful, healthy relationships. Lapis Lazuli is said to carry the vibration of our inner King or Queen and can help support us in speaking clearly, truthfully and lovingly, teaching others how we wish to be treated. Remember too, that communication also means the ability to be a good listener. In my experience, good listeners make for most excellent lovers.

Fire Agate, Jasper, Rubies- Get Your Mojo On!

Feeling sexually aroused is a sure sign that our positive energy is flowing freely, making sensuality and spirituality an ideal partnership for sexual intimacy. Certain crystals carry powerful aphrodisiac energy that fire up the sensual energy in our lower chakras allowing for our love to flow readily and helps partners to view their sexual relationship as a sacred bond.

Fire Agate and Red Jasper crystals are especially helpful for men in supporting the lower chakras, enhancing the libido and prolonging sexual activity. Orange Carnelian fires up the energy of the sacral chakra and helps women to restore vitality to their female sex organs (or Yoni, which is Sanskrit for Sacred Space).

Red Ruby stone carries an unsurpassable potency of empowering energy that can help both partners release inhibitions, and ignite their adventurous and playful sides.

Place these passion crystals on your nightstand, tucked under your pillow, or drop them into warm bathwater for some relaxation and sensual foreplay togetherness.

Crystal Clearing and Powerful LOVE

It’s essential to cleanse your crystals before using them and regularly as they absorb both our negative and positive energy. Running them under flowing water, smudging with sage smoke, or setting them out under the illuminating power of a full moon will all do a beautiful job of clearing and recharging your sacred love stones.

I wish you all the healing magic and delight that lies in store as you seek to attract and open your heart and life wide open to the high vibe power of LOVE.

I Don’t Know How to Love Men

April 17, 2017January 22, 2024 by Clementine Francesin LOVE

I don’t know how to love men. There. I said it.

I didn’t grow up with a positive male figure. The constant male presence in my life was toxic. So the only men that looked good to me were in the books and the movies and the songs. Now, that I am an adult, well I’ve been for quite some time, I’m still romantically developmentally arrested. I don’t know what to do with men. I don’t think I trust them. They kind of scare me; the ones with conditioning to be dishonest, to abuse, to entitlement, the disposal of women, but not in like a murder-y way, but in “on to the next one” kind of way. But also murder! Rape!

Feminism is a response to the patriarchy aka oppression.

Look, I don’t want to be used. I’m fragile! I can’t keep breaking. I spend every day trying to build myself up. It’s exhausting.

Am I a Lesbian?

Sometimes I think I have no attraction to men. Maybe I’m a lesbian in denial. But, I can’t say that I really like women either. But that could be denial talking. But, sometimes any man that shows me any kindness I think I could love. I have this exterior of “I love no one.” But, any bit of kindness a male shows me I think could be love. But, since it screws with my, “no love for me, please” narrative I shut it down. I was never taught how to love. I didn’t see it growing up. What I saw was poison and I think I’ve been spending my life avoiding poison.

I really do believe I could live the rest of my life without ever being in any kind of relationship. But, it’s tough because I do find people attractive. For nearly a decade I was incredibly infatuated (read: http://www.lovetv.co/the-safety-of-my-unrequited-love/) with a celebrity. I’ve been head over heels for teachers, for co-workers, but no one’s ever reciprocated. But, in hindsight, I’ve noticed I’ve been my own cock blocker. If a guy shows interest I immediately see his shady or charming ways and it turns me off. Or I make sure we stay “just friends” because I’m not into him and I don’t want to be, but I could probably fall for anyone who shows me any kindness, if they’re persistent enough. And that makes me think I’m weak.

Romance, is it Weakness?

I guess to engage in romance equals weakness to me. Or should I say vulnerability? Vulnerability makes one susceptible to pain and if there’s anything in life I want to avoid it’s pain. I’m always in pain. I live between no emotion and a ball of emotions and that is as a lonely woman alone. Loneliness is easier. But is it? The idea of handing my feelings to someone and giving them power to affect me is so daunting. Sometimes I wish I was the kind of girl who could just go through guys, whatever that means, but I also want to hide.

Work In Progress

Maybe I’m like the boys who assume that any woman who gives them attention must want to bang them. But, also I believe no one is interested in me, and that maybe I’m highly unattractive and maybe I’m too mean. They say you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else which I don’t think anyone actually follows, but I want it to be true for me. But maybe that’s my way of holding off from moving forward. If I stay in the “work in progress” phase I’ll never have to face anything.

I think if someone I was intensely attracted to asked me out I would say yes. But maybe that’s not true. Sometimes, I want love so much that I think I won’t be able to stand not having it at this very moment, but some days I quiet the want, bury it enough so it doesn’t ruin my day.

I could spend two years, twelve years, or twenty years not doing the love thing in order to avoid discomfort. But, it’s comparable to staying on the bench forever because I’m afraid to get in the game.

Are you in the game? I’m ready to get my head in the game.

Dancing With the Stars: This Week’s Love Meter Review and Shocking Elimination!

April 27, 2017January 22, 2024 by Kelley Lynnin LOVE

On this week’s favorite ballroom blitz extravaganza reality show, eight couples remained. For the first time ever, the show did a new theme where pairs danced to iconic Boy Bands and Girl Groups, and former contestant, runner-up to the winner, and Backstreet Boys member Nick Carter, sat in as guest judge. Also this week, was a TEAM DANCE broken up into teams of men vs. the women. As always, the 4 judges on the panel gave their opinions and scores on the dancing and choreography, but we here at LOVE TV will critique what really matters – the couple’s chemistry. Now unless you are a professional like me, please do not try to rate the couples at home. This must only be done in a professional environment, using my special scientific formula (I made it up). Just come here, and read on. Oh, and you’re welcome. Let’s get started with this week’s action:

SIMONE AND SASHA: EGG ON THE FACE

They did the Samba to a Destiny’s Child song. During rehearsal footage, Simone was asked if her partner was sexy, to which she responded, “Hmmm, thats pushing it. Sexy? No. Rashad is sexy!” (and she is right) Their dance got mixed reviews, with mostly high marks, and with Len saying “the timing was suspect, like my bladder.” Okay, maybe I made up that last part. But you can’t prove it. Backstage, Erin Andrews further embarassed Simone by bringing up her sexy crush on him. She giggled like a schoolgirl, which she is, technically.

Judges Scores: 9/8/9/9

Love Meter Score: This week, I’m giving this couple a score of EGG ON THE FACE, because it must have been slightly awkward having to practice with Sasha for 17 thousand more hours, right after saying he isn’t sexy in the slightest.

BONNER AND SHARNA: COOL DOWN

They did the Rumba, to a Backstreet Boys song, with Nick Carter being a former member AND also being Sharna’s former dance partner. So, the pressure was on. The dance was lovely, but i feel like some of their former spark has started to dim a bit, or maybe they are over each other already. There was a definite hot chemistry factor with these two, the first few weeks, and although it’s still there, its getting more lukewarm for some reason. Nick said: “I can’t be more proud of what I just saw.” Bonner claimed in rehearsals, to cameras, that he is the worst dancer on the show. Yeah, but he also has the best naked chest, and is the cutest. So, there’s that.

Judges Scores: 8/8/7/7

Love Meter Score: Giving these two a scientific score of COOL DOWN PERIOD. To be determined as to whether or not their hot status re-appears in the future.

NANCY AND ARTEM: FRIENDS

They danced to the Girl Group EnVogue, and they did the Paso Doble. Nancy was very overly critical of herself during footage, and Artem tried to comfort her while still being the firm and supportive coach. Their dance was quite nice, and you could feel the supportive and caring nature coming from her partner in their movements. Carrie Ann called it “spot on. Well done.” Nick said “My mind is blown. You have blown my mind.” Bruno made a sound that only Bruno can understand. Len napped in his Cream of Wheat.

Judges Scores: 9/8/8/8

Love Meter Score: Giving these two a chemistry reading of FRIENDLY COACH, because I’m guessing that Artem is way sweeter and more friendly than any of the Olympic coaches Kerrigan is used to. They can be tyrants.

NICK AND PETA: SIBLINGS

Their dance was to the Beach Boys classic “Fun Fun Fun”, and it was a Jive. The routine had the feel of a 1950s scene, with the TV appearing black and white as if in an old music video or movie. They were pretty adorable together this week, and she was great with him in rehearsals about helping him let go of his insecurities as a dancer. Len said it was “lacking polish and finesse, like my …. oh, never mind.” Now, I may have misheard him, but I could have sworn that Bruno said the dance was “a bit like a stroke”, which was absolutely hilarious and also extremely wrong. Maybe he said something else, but Nick Carter and Carrie Ann sort of gasped when he said it, so who knows. Nobody ever knows what the hell that guy says, because nobody can understand him. Except Charo. Charo could understand Bruno, because she spoke the same crazy language.

Judges Scores: 7/7/7/7

Love Meter Score: This week, they get a score of BIG SIS AND LITTLE BROTHER vibe, because that’s how it felt.

NORMANI AND VAL: SIZZLE

They did the Salsa, and their theme was that Val was a hot and sexy construction worker, grabbing her off the street for a sexy dance. It was very hot, and the chemistry was great this week. Bruno had the funniest and wackiest, most innuendo comment with: “It melted all my wiring, and blew out all my boxes!” Carrie Ann said that Normani’s body lines were perfection. And if it weren’t for Grumpy Len, their scores would have also been perfection. You can’t really blame him though. They woke him up from his nap.

Judges Scores: 10/10/8/10

Love Meter Score: Hot, hot, and even more hot! Like SIZZLING FAJITAS!!!!

DAVID AND LINDSAY: PAPA DON’T PREACH

They did the Argentine Tango to an N’Sync song. I always love these two. They are so darn cute, and he is the most genuine guy. The way the Chicago Cubs and his former Boston Red Sox teams support him on the show is so cool. Lindsey told him she is his coach, and he responded with “I see it like this. You’re my teammate.” He was a bit stressed out this week due to busy schedule and tension, and she helped him relax. Carrie Ann said “you don’t seem like yourself tonight.” Bruno pointed out that he almost dropped Lindsey while on a lift. David replied with: “I might come off as grumpy when I’m trying to just be serious. Was trying to be sexy for this dance, but Lindsey is like my daughter, so it’s weird.” Love them.

Judges Scores: 7/8/7/7

Love Meter Score: Since Lindsey is like a daughter to him, I’m giving them a PAPA DON’T PREACH score this week.

RASHAD AND EMMA: DRILL SERGEANT

They danced to the Four Tops, and had the Tango. During rehearsals, Emma was working Rashad like crazy, and he noticed when he said to cameras “This girl ain’t playin around. She’s serious.” It paid off, because their connection and hard work showed in the dance. Bruno said creepily: “You wanted to show us what you’ve got, and you’ve got plenty!”

Judges Scores: 9/10/9/9

Love Meter Score: Giving their fierceness and determination DRILL SERGEANT status this week, because Emma wasn’t playin!!!

HEATHER AND MAKS: STUNNER

So, after a few weeks nursing his injury and being replaced by another pro dancer as Heathers partner, Maks was finally back, and their connection was stronger and better than ever. They did the TLC song “Waterfalls”, and they had the Rumba. She was joking with him that she wanted to get the “Disney 10 score” last week and didn’t, and he promised her that she would get the 10 score this week with him. The movements were perfect, and they seemed extremely happy to be back together again. Len said: “Beautiful leg action, knockout dance.” Nick called it his “favorite dance of the night.” It was super sexy and passionate, and she is a kick-ass dancer.

Judges Scores: 10/10/10/10

Love Meter Score: SIMPLY STUNNING!

TEAM BOYBAND: The men and their pro-dance partners did a fun medley that had a bit of “Magic Mike” quality to it, and was super fun. Their chemistry together as guys was a blast. They were like old friends having a great time.

TEAM GIRLGROUP: Fun chemistry, lots of athletic movement, but didn’t seem as flowing as the men’s number.

ELIMINATION:

Well, here comes the shocker. Who went home this week? Not Nick, the bachelor who can only “sort of” dance, on a good day. Not the baseball player, because he is so sweet and funny and not too terrible, and everyone just loves him to pieces. Who went home, was the girl who everyone thought would be in the Finals. The girl who got her PERFECT TEN scores tonight, as promised by Maks. The girl who had to work with a different partner on the fly, because her original one was injured. Yup. Heather went home, and you could tell that she was just as shocked as everyone else. Also, the massive BOOING coming from the audience showed their disdain for the results. Hey, at least she didn’t go home before Mr. T. Or the horror show that was Chris Kattan. Could somebody wake Len up? Who is going to tell him that Heather was eliminated? Bergeron, that will be your job. He likes you best.

I Told My Boyfriend He Wasn’t Good At Cunnilingus, So He Watched Instructional Videos to Get Better

May 9, 2017January 22, 2024 by Julia Solomonin Sex

Little did I know, if I had mentioned it, guess what? He totally would.

Communication is important in relationships. We all know this. I probably overshare, a lot. But if you’re dating me, that comes with the territory, and you soon learn there is no such thing as over sharing because every thought I have needs to be said out loud or else I will cease to exist. It can be hard to have an open discussion with your partner about sex, especially if it’s to voice a complaint. I don’t even like calling it a complaint. An observation, let’s say. You don’t want to embarrass your partner or have them feel bad about themselves.

His Sex Conversation with Me

My boyfriend told me he didn’t think we were having sex enough. That wasn’t an easy conversation, but it was an important one. I felt bad and a little embarrassed. Was he going around feeling unfulfilled? I can’t make myself want to have sex more. To be fair, this wasn’t a complaint, but an observation. Well, maybe it was a complaint, but he was super nice about it, and it seemed like it was mostly out of concern that maybe I wasn’t sexually attracted to him, which is worrying, and not the case. That is completely understandable. This opened the floor for me to bring up something that had been on my mind as well.

You Could Do It Better

I kindly let him know, that maybe, he could be a little better at going down on me. It’s not always easy for me to come from actual intercourse, so that is something I need. I also let him know, that, you know, there are instructional videos out there, and…maybe he could look, and, hey… that could be fun. I didn’t completely tip toe around the subject but I also didn’t BS him. He voiced a concern, and now it was my turn. It’s an open dialogue.

I remember reading one of Jonathan Ames books in which he goes to a class to pick up some new tricks. I remember thinking “I wish my boyfriend would do that.” Little did I know, if I had mentioned it, guess what? He totally would. Well, not actually go to a class. That’s a pretty big ask. Watching YouTube videos in the privacy of his home? That was a little bit easier for him to wrap his head around.

Embarrassing but Game

I was honestly really surprised by his response. He was game. We both had a sense of humor about it, and he was happy I was honest, and seemed excited. He was up for the challenge. I felt so relieved. Yes, he was a little embarrassed, but tough. These conversations are not comfortable, but the results are worth it. If your partner cares more about pleasing you than a bruised ego, there is no reason why this wouldn’t help a relationship. It also helps to be a little subtle at first when bringing it up. Or, do you? You know the inner workings of your relationship better than anyone else. You know how you communicate with your partner, so trust that.

It’s Fun

Once we got over that initial awkwardness, it started to be fun. He got excited to try out new things he had learned. I was excited to let him go to town, you know, for educational purposes. He tried different methods, I gave him feedback. It was a learning experience for both of us. Things he hadn’t tried, I didn’t know about either. It made him more confident in the bedroom. Can you imagine if I had never brought this up? Turns out it’s much easier to figure stuff out if you just put it all out on the table. It brought us a lot closer, and, as it turns out, he’s quite a fast learner.

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Romance Has Been at a Standstill in My Life, Not This Summer.

May 12, 2017January 22, 2024 by Clementine Francesin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

ACCEPT THE INVITATION

One time I was totally having a wonderful conversation with a guy and near the end of our time at work he asked me what I would be doing at the end of the shift. I took that as an indication that he was no longer interested in having a conversation with me, so I told him I had to go pay rent money to my roommate which was true, but it wasn’t until after, that I realized that he was probably going to invite me to hang with him. I totally misread the situation. If someone asks you what your plans after the thing you’re doing are, don’t assume that it’s because they are just curious. It is their way of gauging you’re availability so they can ask you to hang out. If only I could go back to this day. I would have answered it like this: “Umm…nothing really. Why?” This could have totally shifted the course of things. I haven’t seen him in several months, or has it been a year, after our gig ended and now I am without this friend, possible potential boyfriend.

I also did this years ago when a guy I was totally into asked me to hang out, and me being the developmentally arrested girl I was, still drinking from her mother’s teat, said “Sorry can’t. Mom won’t let me.” I was like early 20s! And what if he met me in 2017? What if he asked me that question today? I am a totally different person now.

Sometimes, I mourn for the boys I crushed on because they met me at a more sheltered time in my life. Me, today, sheltered, but not in the way I once was, would be up for adventure. I could be in Shanghai right now on a weeklong adventure with him!

It’s so sad when things happen to you before you’re ready for them!

STOP USING YOUR LACK OF FUNDS AS AN EXCUSE NOT TO DO THINGS!

I am queen of “I have no money. I’m too broke. Sorry, can’t socialize.” But, you can’t live your life like this. I recently spent way too much money on a steak meal because I never do. Because I’ve conditioned myself to believe that money is only to be saved and when used should only be used for practical things and only frugally. But, no if he invites you to his $15 concert go! Just go. Say no to Starbucks or cigarettes for a week and save that money and go see his band play. We have to show people we are interested. Our fears can’t be the driving force in our lives. By saying I don’t have the money I’m choosing to be scared of living life. No one’s saying you gotta go see every show ever, but at least once or twice. Go to a movie even. Movies are totally overpriced, but if you go to one or two in a month the world will still turn. Maybe I’ll go see that $39 Broadway show with the guy I have the hots for should he ask. Or should I ask!

AGE AIN’T NOTHIN’ BUT A NUMBER!

Within reason. Let’s be legal please. But, I have this huge hang up about dating guys younger than me. Like four years younger than me. Five years younger than me. I consider them to be children and the idea of dating them makes me sick, but that’s my own personal hang-up. It’s not like I’m dating an 18 year old. If I’m 30 and he’s 25 or if I’m 27 and he’s 23, it’s not the end of the world if we go out to eat. Sure, younger guys can be immature and lame, but we’re not talking marriage here. Just, “Hey he’s attractive, let’s go to a party!” The president of France’s has step children born in the same decade as him. He’s doing alright. You’ll be alright too.

This summer I don’t want to be closed off. Romance has been at a standstill in my life since the beginning of time. The last time I attempted to give it a shot, was a summer, and it went horribly wrong and it took me a long time to recover. But, New Year, new me! I don’t want to live in the shadows. You don’t either. Let’s not be complacent in hiding.

5 Reasons to Have a Summer Fling

May 15, 2017January 22, 2024 by Jennifer Ashley Greenein DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Summer lovin’ had me a blast. Summer lovin’ happened so fast.

I know, technically it’s still spring, but let’s be realistic, people are solidifying their Memorial Day Weekend plans and then all of a sudden it’s summer and if we don’t start thinking about it now, we’ll be ill prepared when everyone else is all geared up (and paired up) for those steamier days (and nights!) So back to summer love I go! What’s the appeal of a relationship that only lasts three months? What’s the point? This is how I answered my friend recently when she asked me if I’d ever have a “fling”. Admittedly, I didn’t know people used this term in real life so once I stopped laughing at her and was able to have a serious discussion about it, I was surprised to discover that we both agreed it might not be the worst thing.

Here’s why I changed my whole perspective on the fling thing. The idea of getting involved with someone when there’s a timestamp on the whole experience gave me a bit of pause at first, sure, but when I spun it differently (and there ‘s always more than one way to look at any given situation) it actually sounded kind of exciting to me. I started thinking about not having to wonder where my relationship is headed, or if we both want the same things. The stuff he does that bugs the hell out of me? Who cares? Soon enough those annoying habits will be someone else’s problem! The idea of just being present and focusing on enjoying our time together without worrying about expectations or plans for the future is all too appealing. I can just be myself and feel comfortable and not have to change a single thing about me.

That sounds lovely doesn’t it? Being yourself in a relationship? What a notion! I don’t know about you, but I struggle with this seemingly easy concept more often than not. Speaking my mind, communicating my needs, setting boundaries, all the while being myself and having fun? I’m sorry, what? It can be totally overwhelming trying to find the delicate balance that relationships require. So when I think of taking the thing that overwhelms me the most- the future- off the table, and just focus on the ‘now’ part, then, um, yeah, I think I’ll give this whole summer love thing a shot. When I think of all the fun things associated with summer- beaches, pools, vacations, picnics, outdoor concerts, fireworks, etc, and then having someone to do these things with? Yes please! Why wouldn’t I be open to this?

In case you’re not sold on flinging yet, allow me to really drive my point home with some of the benefits I found to being open-minded to this kind of non-commitment:

Being in a less serious relationship helps to take some pressure off and has gotten me in the mindset of enjoying dating (yes, it’s possible!)
I have the perfect opportunity to make some mistakes! Look, dating can be super challenging; no one is going to argue that. Here’s a chance for me to do all the things I might not do in a serious relationship.
You know all those events we get invited to in the summer? I do, and I dread going to them solo. Barbeques, weekends at the beach, weddings? Having someone to attend with? Someone to satisfy everyone’s constant probe, “are you seeing anyone?” Sign me up!
It’ll encourage me to break the pattern of my usual “type”. Who doesn’t have a dating pattern? Mainly attracted to athletes? Ethnic guys? Financiers? I am. I’m going to take a risk and date someone outside the norm for me. Maybe a politician. Who knows? That in and of itself is super exciting and enough to make me want to give this a shot. Even if it ends up being as epic a fail as breakaway track pants, I’ll have learned something from the experience!
It’s not easy to do things solely on your terms in relationships. Things get really tricky when considering the feelings of everyone involved. Having a short summer romance might actually help me to find my voice, and gain more confidence when it comes to stating my needs in a future (serious) relationship.

All I’m saying is I’m going to give this a shot. There are way worse things than opening myself to the possibility of happiness. And even if I just discover it’s not for me? Awesome. Now I know. And I’ll also have a really fun “fling” story to share with my friends. My online dating stories are getting old anyway.

The Best (and Worst!) Summer Sexcapades for 2017

May 17, 2017January 22, 2024 by RJ Newellin Sex, SEX TIPS

Are you curious about sex on a beach? Do you want to visit a nudist resort, take a tour of Amsterdam’s Red Light District, or join a kinky sex club? Summer is the perfect time to spice things up!

If you’re an adventurous type (and I’ll assume you are, since you’re reading LoveTV), here’s a summer ‘to-do’ list…with a few naughty no-nos thrown in.

Option 1: The Summer Sex Vacation

‘Wanderlust’ is a fun word, especially with sex involved. Here are some recommendations from travelers just like you!

Must See:

1. Amsterdam: Red Light District (AKA De Wallen)

“If you like art, go see the Mona Lisa. But if you like sex, then you’d better go to Amsterdam! The Red Light District is like the Louvre of love.” – Dave L., 34

There’s something for everyone in Amsterdam’s Red Light District. Here, live sex shows, peep shows, erotic museums and sex shops are just the beginning. So as long as you’re respectful [and totally willing], you can legally indulge in your wildest desires.

2. Treebones Resort: Big Sur, California

“If you love nature, Big Sur is one of the West Coasts’ sexiest places. I get turned on just looking at the scenery!” – Kenneth O., 38

“My girlfriend and I had a wild experience in an Outdoor Human Nest at Treebones…You want to be quiet, since you’re outside in the open, but doing it under the stars blew my mind.” – Miranda S., 22

Yes, you read that right – human nest. Treebones is a lesser-known but totally worthwhile romantic getaway. Whether you want to nest under the stars, enjoy a 5-star sleep in luxury a Yurt, or make love in a giant Cocoon Tent, look no further. Come for the view, stay for the sex. (Link)

3. The Queen Mary Hotel: Long Beach, California

“It was like making love on the Titanic. It doesn’t get better than that!” – Delilah B., 40

The Queen Mary is an iconic ocean liner from the golden age of sea travel. It’s even bigger than the Titanic, but don’t worry – it’s permanently moored at Long Beach. No sailing, no sinking, just sexy! Visit this floating hotel for lavish, antique accommodations and magnificent views of the harbor. But be warned – the ship is supposedly haunted, so you may not be the only ones going ‘bump’ in the night. (Link)

Proceed With Caution:

The Green Door: Las Vegas, Nevada

“We went there for my Bachelorette party and that was a huge mistake. I wasn’t prepared to see so many older men masturbating and watching people have sex. If you’re into orgies and solo viewing, the Green Door is for you. But I just ran home and hid in my bed. Sorry.” – Olivia G., 31

While it’s a wildly popular spot for sex tourists from around the world, The Green Door is not for everyone. Its orgy room, dungeon and infamous Sexagon are popular for swingers and voyeuristic singles, but visitors are often unprepared for just how much anything goes, here. You may love it, or you may hate it. Just make sure you know what you’re in for. Get that freak flag ready to fly! (Link)

Don’t Bother:

The Grand Canyon

“It was always on my bucket list to have sex at the Grand Canyon, but it’s actually super unpleasant. Don’t do it! The canyon is hot and dusty, there are scorpions and snakes to look out for, and honestly…the sex was beyond uncomfortable.” – Evan T., 24

Option 2: CHEAP, FREE AND DIRTY

Must See:

1. Camping Under the Stars

“Seriously, there’s nothing like sex in a forest, desert or mountain setting. It’s freeing in every way.” – Ryan J., 23

Can’t make it all the way to Big Sur? Pitch a tent in the closest national park, light a campfire (laws permitting), and release your inhibitions. There’s nothing like nature to set off your deepest animal instincts.

2. Nudist Resort (At Our Place or Yours?)

“If there’s a nudist community in your area, it’s often cheap to join or visit. But you’ll find that nudism has little to nothing to do with sex, so if you’re wanting to get freaky, try it at home.” – Joseph H., 56

Nudist resorts are wonderful places to get some R&R. But if you’re looking to turn it up a notch, I highly recommend starting your own nudist “resort” in the comfort of your own home. It can be just you and a partner, or invite some adventurous friends over for a naked barbeque. For groups, playing sexy roles (like Nude Bartender or Swinging Chef) can make for a fun night of play. And for the monogamous, married or cohabitating, here’s a hint: certain household chores are more fun when you’re naked. So whatever your fancy, try it nude!

3. Popsicle Party

“It was an especially hot day, so we stocked up on popsicles and ice cream treats and cooled ourselves off the fun way. I can’t believe we hadn’t thought of it sooner!” – Alice F., 30

Flavored ice cubes, fruity popsicles, sticky ice cream sundae treats – the possibilities are endless for a sensuous foodie on a hot summer’s day! There’s only one rule for ice cream play: no cones, spoons or bowls allowed.

Proceed at your own risk:

At the Movies

“We live in a super small town. It’s not uncommon for us to be the only ones watching a movie, especially on a weekday matinee. Having sex at the movies was the wildest thing we’ve ever done. But it’s super illegal, so make sure you’re alone and proceed at your own risk.” – Chelsey V., 19

Don’t Bother:

Sex on a Beach

“It’s not as fun as it sounds. I got sand in all the worst places.” – James R., 27

“A lifeguard saw us and we both got arrested. And the sand…not sexy at all.” – Issa M., 30

Backyard Playtime

“Unless you’re surrounded by hedges, don’t even try having sex in the yard. Even with maximum privacy, come on. People have drones now. Someone is going to report you, and the sex won’t even be worth it. – Pamela W., 41

“Even if you don’t get caught, is your backyard really that sexy? Let’s save you some time: the answer is no.” –Andrew L., 26

Bonus Option: Try Something New, and Tell Us About It!

At LoveTV, we’re always on the lookout for hot ideas. What’s your greatest summer sexcapade? We can’t wait to hear about it!

Dancing With the Stars: The Semi-Finals Love Meter Review!

May 19, 2017January 22, 2024 by Kelley Lynnin LOVE

SHOCKING ELIMINATION: It’s all about the Chemistry

This week was Semi-Finals Week on everyone’s favorite dance show, and each of the remaining four couples were judged one last time before seeing who would make it into the Finals. As always, the judges panel on the show were in charge of scoring the choreography, dance moves, and technical abilities of each couple. But we here at LOVE TV have a different but just as important purpose – judging the chemistry between each couple, and sometimes the chemistry in other random places where it’s appropriate (such as the chemistry between Len and his grumpyness, or between Bruno and extra-grumpy Len, when he hasn’t had his nap. ) With only 4 couples left this week, the elimination took another surprising turn, which had the judges gasping with shock at who went home. Let’s take a look:

NORMANI AND VAL: Sweet!

They did a Vienesse Waltz, which was quite lovely, and they were both very sweaty. You could barely see their faces because there was so much sweat coming off of the both of them together. Julianne said the dance was “stunning. You dance as one. ” Yes, and they sweat as one, too! Bruno said: “Sin city! Get out of there! Sexy! ” No. Seriously. That is what he said. Nobody else knows what it means either. A funny exchange proving this followed, when Bruno yelled: “Everybodys so pumped up!”, and Tom Bergeron replied: “Well, clearly YOU are!”

Judges Scores: 10/10/10/10

Love Meter Score: Giving them a score of SWEAT BUDDIES, because they were sweating like fools out there, and their chemistry is very buddy-like.

DAVID AND LINDSAY: So Cute!

They did the Foxtrot, and as always, they were adorable and so likable. This guy could WIN this thing, due to all his very loyal Cubs player fans and Cub FANS fans. (Trust me, it makes sense) In any case, Bruno said: “Lots of margaritas! Joy! Fun! I watch you everyday!” Was he drunk? He was making even less sense than usual this week. Carrie Ann called the dance “much improved. You bring it!” Len called David “the boy that brings joy!” Wow, all this cute rhyming.

Judges Scores: 9/8/9/8

Love Meter Score: AWWWWWWWW!!! Their relationship just screams that phrase. Everytime I see them together , I think “Awwww!!!” They are so damn cute, and so likable, and each week, their dance isnt the best dance, but people love it to death, and they are just a big ball of “Awwwww!!!!” And they may win the whole show because of “Awww!”

SIMONE AND SASHA: Brady Bunch!

These two are pretty darn good, VERY good actually. She is like a professional dancer most weeks. They did the Jive, and it was an Arcade theme. Bruno said: “Wreckless sassy attitude!” I swear, I dont know what meds he is on this week, but I wish someone would give me some. Carrie Ann said “You danced with soul tonight.” Their dances were clearly the best of the night, and their chemistry has gotten a lot closer over the weeks. Its sort of a sibling love I feel coming from them, one of respect and mutual admiration. And they are fun. They have fun together.

Judges Scores: 10/10/10/10 Perfect scores all night long

Love Meter Score: Because they are so darn cute and also sibling-like, I am giving them a score of “BRADY BUNCH!” vibe. They are like Cindy and Bobby Brady. So cute. So innocent. So Brady. The funny part is, Sasha is probably too young to even get the reference.

RASHAD AND EMMA: Delicious!

They did the Quickstep, and it was lovely. He is a great dancer, and I lovve his personality. She is a bit quirky and I love her accent, and they sort of are like two people whom you dont expect to work together, but do. They are a surprising delightful treat together. Len said something about “It was hard, then soft. Then big, then small.” Ummm, no comment. Julianne thought the dance was great, calling it “all improved. Well done.”

Judges Scores: 9/9/10/10

Love Meter Score: SCRAMBLED EGGS AND HOT SAUCE!!! You dont think it goes together, but it does!!! And its quite delicious, and strange!!! And delicious!!! I think they will be in the Finals.

SHOCKING ELIMINATION: It’s all about the Chemistry

So the bottom two couples after votes were Lindsay and David, and Sasha and Simone.

Simone and Sasha went home.

After getting two scores of Perfect Tens.

It was shocking. The judges looked mad as hell. The chemistry between the audience at home and Simone isnt as good as the love between the fans at home and David Ross of the Chicago Cubs. They just love that guy, even if he is only a mediocre dancer. Just goes to show, its that love connection and chemistry, from audience to celebrity, that counts. They love his personality. His humor. His humility. He might win. But in the meantime, Sasha was sent home one week before the Finale. And everyone was booing that choice.

Next week is the Finale, and the best part of the show, when each couple gets to do their “Freestyle” dance. Will Bruno start making some sense? Will the audience ever stop booing from this week’s elimination? Who will win the Mirror Ball Trophy and zero money? Stay tuned next week to find out ………

Why I am Loving the First Date

June 11, 2017January 22, 2024 by Kelley Lynnin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

So while I’m waiting on love to come my way, I have come to really appreciate the truly special gifts, that come from a first date.

It was not my plan to be single again. It was not my plan to be suddenly widowed after only have 4 years of marriage with my beautiful husband, or to try to navigate through modern-day dating and dating sites. No, none of these things were my plan.

So, about a year and a half ago, when I was finally ready to actively go out into the dating world again with my full suit of armor, I was on the defense. I was hesitant, scared, and downright suspicious of all these “new men” I was meeting. What were their intentions? Were they out to hurt me? Would I ever find true love again, or would I be forced to keep going on these endless dates, until eternity?

I still don’t know the answers, but lately, I have begun to enjoy the process of figuring out the questions. Lately, I have told myself to stop over-analyzing everything, and start to be in the moment of each date. Stop being overly-suspicious, and instead, be openly-cautious and aware. Stop making judgments about men too early on, assuming that they aren’t right for me, or that this one can’t possibly understand where I’m coming from in life. I have tried to dial back my instinct to be impatient, and turn up the volume on enjoying the new-ness of a first date. Sure, things have certainly changed a whole lot in the world of dating these days, but the special-ness of that very first date is still there, if you want it to be. I should know. I have been on a LOT of first dates over the past couple years, an I have collected a lot of special memories and moments. There is something about a first date, that has a sense of magic. Here are 5 reasons why:

THAT NERVOUS FEELING:

It is 2 hours before the big date, and you are getting ready in your bedroom. You have put on nail polish and even toenail polish, for the first time in ages. You keep changing your mind between the white blouse and flattering jeans, or the bright blue more casual but fun shirt, with leggings. How casual is too casual? What If I’m overdressed? Do these shoes look okay? Do guys even look at shoes? I hope not, because I haven’t bought new ones in ages. You give your eye makeup that extra something to make your lashes stand out. You re-apply your lipstick, and your peppermint body spritzer. You anxiously drive yourself to the restaurant or pub or coffee shop or meeting location, getting there nice and early so you can control getting that first glance at him in person, before he sees you. These kind of nerves are probably even more intense these days, if you are on the dating sites, like I am.

In the old days, before the internet, you would most likely meet someone through friends or at school or work. If you were a man, you would maybe see a girl you liked, and ask her out in person. In today’s world, the online dating scene takes place in steps. For me, when a guy sends me that first message of interest, I go take a look at his online profile page to determine if I might be interested. If I am, I reply, and the conversation exchange begins. This usually goes on for a few days on the site, and then we exchange numbers. Then the texting begins. Then the phone calls, to hear each other’s voices. By the time my new guy and I meet in person, usually its at least a couple weeks or longer that we have been communicating. There is a lot of build-up. Will he look like his pictures? Will there be chemistry in person? How will I know if it’s going well? Will he kiss me? Will I want him to? These are all things you get nervous about, and those nerves give you adrenaline in the hours and minutes leading up to the date.

Your palms are sweating. Your heart is racing. That nervous feeling is everywhere inside you, and its a good thing. It makes you feel alive.

THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE:

First dates are an adventure. You never quite know what to expect. Now, this is not always a positive thing. Sometimes these surprises can be not what you had hoped or planned on. Such as: “Surprise! I look nothing at all like my pictures, and I’m clearly at least 20 years older than I said I was!” Or “Surprise! Hope you brought your wallet, because Im not paying for your dinner today!” Or “Surprise! Remember how I told you I was divorced? Yeah, well, not so much. More like seperated. But not officially. Yet. So basically I’m married. You cool with that?”

In the beginning, these types of surprises used to anger me and upset me greatly. Over time, however, I have learned not to take things like this personally, and I’ve also learned how to spot men like this much earlier than the first date, so as to avoid this from happening completely. Also, these types of surprises are definitely not the norm for my first dates. Sure, these things have happened, but only a small handful of times.

The element of surprise that I’m talking about on a first date, lies in the very fact that you don’t know this person, and they don’t know you. Yet. You are getting to know each other, and doing that flirty thing, and figuring them out, a little bit at a time. And that can be quite fun, especially once you let go of expectations about someone, and just stay in the moment of whats happening. One date I had surprised me by taking me to a gorgeous park with an outdoor ampi-theatre that sat on a lake. He took my hand and led me down the woods trail, and sat us in the pavilion, where we shared kisses and cuddling time. Another first date and I went for ice-cream, followed by stopping by an arcade to play video games, which was a total blast. I have been surprised also from many of my dates, by their life background, and some of their past jobs and experiences. One guy told me of his days working as a bouncer in a strip club. Another had a great story of meeting a stripper (unbeknownst to him) on a dating site. (lots of these stories involve strippers apparently.) I was surprised to find out that another one of my dates lived at home with his mother, but not for the reasons you might think. It was his home, and he took his elderly mother in, because his dad had died years ago, and she had Alzheimers. He didn’t want to see her living alone, and he didn’t want to put her in a nursing home, so he takes care of her. Another date used to be involved in the mafia/mob world, although he made it a point to tell me that “we don’t call it that.” The element of surprise is fun on a date with a new person, because you don’t really know whats going to happen. And that can be really exciting.

GETTING TO KNOW SOMEONE NEW:

When I first starting dating, I was annoyed that I had to keep getting to know new people, over and over again. I was annoyed at having to explain my own story, to multiple new people. It felt repetitive and robotic. Lately though, something in me has shifted, and I have started to enjoy hearing about other people’s lives. I have started to enjoy the process of getting to know someone, little by little. How does he listen? What are his interests? His little quirks? What does he like to eat? What are his views on politics and religion? How does he treat people? I like to sort of sit back and watch it all unfold. It used to irritate me that I had already done that with my late husband – I already told him all my stuff, and I didn’t feel like doing that all over again with someone new. But now I focus more on their stuff, and getting to know them, and their world. And its fascinating (not always – theres lots of boring people out there) finding out things about someone. When you open your mind to someone’s world, they will open their world to you. And getting lost in that, can be loads of fun.

CHIVALRY IS NOT DEAD (REALLY!):

My late husband was a gentleman. He always opened the car door for me, paid for everything when we would go out, and generally always made me feel like I was 100% safe while in his presence. He was always protecting me from any harm, while still being fully aware and proud that I am a modern, smart, independent woman. So, when I entered the dating world, this was something that I very much wanted in a new relationship. A man who knows how to treat a lady like a lady, but who also recognizes her independence and doesn’t see himself as superior to her in any way. Now, one of the great things about modern dating is that, on the dating sites, you can lay out everything you want and desire in a person, right there on your profile page. It doesn’t mean you are going to GET all of those things, but it does up the chances that a man who reads your profile and then contacts you with interest, will most likely BE some of the things you are seeking after. So, in my case, I have met quite a few men that have proven themselves to be true gentlemen, some being more “old school” than others. One man I met and knew for awhile, not only held the car door open for me, but also came around from the drivers side to walk over, and help me out of the car by offering his hand. And not only would he NEVER allow a lady to pay the bill, I couldn’t even SEE the bill. He wouldn’t let me look at it, because that is how he was raised by his dad. Another first date showed up with one single red rose, and led me around the neighborhood for the afternoon, putting his hand out anytime there was a curb or pothole in the street for me to watch out for. Two first dates came to my house to pick me up, came inside, and met my parents. One man took me for dinner at a really nice restaurant, and expressed his annoyance at a younger man sitting at a nearby table, wearing his baseball hat while inside the restaurant. “That’s so disrespectful”, he said, and it really bothered him. When I used the restroom, I found him standing just outside of it, holding my jacket out, to help me into it before we left. Another first date showed up at my home with a potted plant of Easter lilies, and addressed my parents as Ma’am and Sir. On my most recent first date, we met at a local bakery, and when I arrived, he was already at the table. When I entered the restaurant, he stood for me, pulled out my chair, and got me seated. On the table, he had pre-set a potted plant/flowers, and a cupcake box with my favorite vanilla cupcake, written in icing “Hello. Now, that is classy. Now, I have met MANY guys in my time of dating, that were not gentleman, and did not act this way. But, I will say, I have been surprised, in the best of ways, at how many men out there ARE chivalrous and gentlemanly. I think its a really wonderful thing that there are parents out there, that have raised their boys to respect and honor women, and to treat them both like ladies, and like equals.

THAT FIRST KISS:

For me, the best part of a first date, is that first kiss. I used to say that I can’t wait to have my last, first kiss – because that will mean I have found love again. And while that is still true, over time, I have come to appreciate and even look forward to, experiencing first kisses with a whole LOT of first dates. Now, everyone is different, but I am not the kind of girl that will go very far physically on a first date. However, I AM the kind of girl who, if the chemistry is there and it feels right, will do a good amount of kissing on a first date. I love kissing, and over this past year and a half or so, I have kissed quite a few guys. There are a lot of great kissers out there. Some are good, some are great, and others are off-the-charts, weak in the knees amazing. One first date I had recently, I found him arrogant and cocky and a bit self-absorbed, but he was probably one of the best kissers I’ve ever experienced, ever. We must have sat in his car for an hour, just kissing each other. Sometimes they get that first kiss out of the way upfront. Other times, its more unexpected, while standing outside of his truck, and he tells you straight up: “I really want to kiss you. Close your eyes.” Other times, you find yourself asking bravely out of nowhere: “So, are you gonna kiss me or what?” That first kiss is filled with so much intensity, passion, and anxiousness. It just feels so wonderful and perfect, feeling someone else’s lips touching yours, and lingering there. And people have such different kissing techniques. I think I might keep going on first dates, just so I can keep kissing different guys. There is so much possibility in that first kiss.

So while I’m waiting on love to come my way, I have come to really appreciate the truly special gifts, that come from a first date. Love is a beautiful thing, and I want that more than ever. But, I’m not sure if I’m ready to give up on all of the unique things that can only happen, on a first date. There is only one first date with the same person, but there are MANY first dates, on the road to finding that person. Right now, I’m enjoying that ride.

Dating Deal Breaker: Animal Abuse

June 13, 2017January 22, 2024 by RJ Newellin RELATIONSHIPS

I found myself analyzing how my ex-partners had treated their pets.

Deal breakers. Most of us can think of at least one or two things that could immediately change the way we feel about our partners. Cheating, for me, is a deal breaker. Physical violence is also a deal breaker. Robbing a daycare is definitely a deal breaker for me, but that’s a story for another day. Point is – most of us have them. But some deal breakers may not be immediately clear, or even what you’d think to look out for.

Here’s one red flag you should consider: How does your partner treat their pets?

Michael* was a dreamy dude. He had all the qualities I thought I wanted at the time: good looks, a great job, big dreams, and a stellar sense of adventure. He was the kind of man I imagined would help an old woman cross the street, or return a lost wallet. It felt right to imagine him saving kittens from trees. He was just that kind of guy!

I was in for a nasty surprise.

After a few formal dates, Michael invited me over for a casual evening of movies and food – two out of three of my favorite things! Imagine how excited I was when I found that he also had my third favorite thing…a tiny little dog named Dino.

After my first introduction with Dino, Michael promptly put him in his crate. It was late at night, so I figured that yes, Dino slept in his crate. But less than five minutes into Netflix and Chill, Dino started to whimper. Then Michael began to yell.

“Shut UP!” he screamed at the trembling dog. This was no exaggeration – he truly screamed as if the house were on fire. But there was no fire, only a tiny, fearful dog. Dino obeyed his commands for a few moments…during which Michael told me (with a smile) that “Dino does this all the time.”

I was already uncomfortable, but tried to shrug it off. Perhaps Michael was having a bad day? I tried hard just to stare at the movie, to get through this evening, until…

“I’m gonna kill him, I swear,” Michael growled. He paused the movie and stood up. At that point, Dino looked like he was having a panic attack. A tiny, trembling panic attack. Michael walked over and kicked Dino’s crate so hard that it moved. The dog’s face bounced backward from the impact on metal.

“Michael!” I gasped. “Why did you do that?” He shrugged and resumed watching the movie. I sat as far away from him on the couch as I could. I couldn’t concentrate on the drama onscreen when there was clearly too much in the room. It wasn’t long before Dino was crying again, and I winced at every whine.

I watched Michael walk over again, open the crate, and grab the dog’s face with clenched fingers.

“I’d smack you to the moon, if the lady wasn’t here,” he threatened, with a disturbingly flirty side-eye toward me. There went my fantasy of Michael as an old lady helper and kitten-saver. This guy was a monster.

From across the room, I stared into Dino’s watery eyes and saw a future in them. A future I’d do anything to avoid.

According to the Domestic Violence Roundtable and the Animal Defense Fund, there is a strong link between animal abuse and domestic violence. Upon entering shelters, many victims of domestic abuse report that their abuser has brought physical harm to family pets as well as their partners and children. A third of victims also report that their children have harmed animals too, as a way to win approval from the abuser and/or avoid violence toward themselves. Animal cruelty investigations often lead to (and go hand in hand with) long-term domestic violence.

Animal abusers harm animals as a way to impose control over others. Perhaps Dino was Michael’s way of expressing his need to dominate at all costs, and the impact of seeing his actions on me led to feelings of fear, isolation and responsibility. After less than an hour at Michael’s house, I feared that the dog would suffer more if I broke up with him.

To say Michael’s animal abuse was a “dealbreaker” might be an understatement. That incident unraveled everything I thought about the people I dated. I found myself analyzing how my ex-partners had treated their pets. At the beginning of every first date from then on, I made sure to bring pets into the conversation. I would never again date someone who mistreated animals.

Animal abuse is abuse, end of story. And if you find yourself in this situation, there are things you can do.

Put your own safety first. If you fear violence from a partner or family member, call your local or national domestic abuse help line immediately (find your local help line here). This first part is important. You won’t be able to help the animal(s) if your life and well-being are at risk. Once you’re certain that you’re safe, move on to number 2:
If you suspect an animal is in danger, call your local shelter, veterinarian or law enforcement. Animal cruelty is a crime. The end.
If you are able to remove the animal from the situation, arrange a temporary living arrangement with a friend, family member or animal rescue. You’re not alone in wanting to help.

Animal abuse is one of those major red flags that you might not find until well after the first date. Luckily, there’s some new legislation (gaining buzz across the United States) aiming to legalize Animal Abuse Registries. In the way that you might find convicted US sex offenders on your local database, animal abusers may soon join the list. According to Shared.com, “Tennessee is the only state [so far] to have an animal offenders registry, but other cities like New York and Cook County, Illinois have them at a local level.” (Link) If you’d like similar laws passed in your area, contact your elected officials and let them know!

What do you think about animal abuse as a deal breaker? Share your thoughts with us, below.

*Certain names have been changed for anonymity and legal purposes.

I Was a 30-Year-Old Virgin and My First Time Wasn’t What I Had Expected

June 15, 2017January 22, 2024 by Virginia Jonesin Sex

**“I was relieved that a p*nis didn’t feel like a giant finger inside me.”**

Hi, my name is Virginia Jones and I’m a comedian and writer. I made a girlfriend six years ago who was beautiful and smart and kind and fun to be with, and at one point she told me she was a still a virgin in her late 20s, and I was pretty surprised.

In the years since we met, she has transitioned into non-virginity, and she agreed to sit down and talk with me about it.

Historically, virginity has been so important in religion, in vampire lore, and in marriage, but now it doesn’t seem as significant, and I wondered what her thoughts were on the topic. In this interview, I’m calling myself by my initials, VJ, and I’m calling her Unicorn Charmer, because in Medieval times it was said that a unicorn would only lay his head in a virgin’s lap.

VJ: At what age did you lose your virginity?

UC: I was 30. When did you lose yours?

VJ: I was 15, which at the time I felt was ancient and now I am totally grossed out by. When I see 15 year olds, I think, well, these are children.

UC: Oh myyyy.

VJ: How many partners have you had since then?

UC: I’ve had five sex partners — spread out over the past five years. Two long-term boyfriends, three shorter term. You?

VJ: Some multiple of that. Have you ever had a one night stand?

UC: I tried to have one in Europe with a sexy European man, but he kept in touch and it became an affair that kept going for a while — so I still haven’t successfully had one. I guess I maybe had one with someone I had been in love with forever — but that feels more like a continuation of our friendship. Once I had sex for the first time, he was someone I wanted to circle back and have sex with.

VJ: What was the original motivation for keeping your virginity, and did that change?

UC: I was raised in a very conservative Baptist household and was definitely taught that sex was for married people, and lots of scary stuff about STDs. When a boy first kissed me, I was quite sure I had AIDS. I was engaged for three years starting at 19, and when that engagement ended, I decided, well, I don’t have to be married, but I’d like to have sex with someone who loves me and who I love back. So, that only took… another seven years.

VJ: That’s a minute.

UC: It was. It wasn’t all the guys’ fault. I’m sometimes… fickle.

“I missed sex with people who weren’t in love with me, which I feel is missable.”

VJ: Have you ever lost partners or relationships because you didn’t want to have coitus?

UC: None of them ever admitted it, but looking back, I think, yeah. I think it’s not something you want to say is the reason.

VJ: It’s not a good look. Do you regret anything about waiting?

UC: I don’t regret my age or the timing when I lost my virginity — but I would have liked my first to be a different person?

VJ: Why is that?

UC: I thought he loved me and that he was the right partner, but it turned out that he wasn’t faithful and didn’t care for me the way I thought he did. Later, I felt like I was a conquest. It seemed like the right person at the time, but looking back, could have been better

VJ: I think most of us feel that way.

UC: Ha! But I don’t regret waiting, either. All I missed over the years was sex with people who weren’t in love with me, which I feel is missable.

VJ: What are some positive responses people have had to your sex history?

UC: Women have been 100 percent positive, girlfriends all think it’s great. Lots of men, friends and ex-boyfriends have been respectful of my decision. One man I did sleep with said it made him feel extra special. Which he is!

“I had built a lot of my self-image on being a virgin, on being that girl”

VJ: What is something that you changed your mind about after having sex?

UC: Strangely, I have changed my feelings about oral sex, which for years was my main sexual activity — now it seems VERY intimate and kind of more precious than sex — like, I can have intercourse with someone way before oral sex. I have to trust them more.

VJ: I’ve heard that’s the feeling a lot of millennials have, that sex with a condom you can have with anyone, but oral sex is more intimate. It’s the opposite of when I was growing up. What were you surprised about after the first time you had sex?

UC: I thought it would be really bloody and painful, and it wasn’t. I was surprised that it wasn’t actually that big a deal — I wasn’t a different person, I wasn’t transformed in one way or another — it was strange, I had built a lot of my self-image on being a virgin, on being that girl, and I had to figure out who I was again!

VJ: Ha! Right, part of our worth as a woman is your sexual purity — It gives you the idea that you will be a different person once you have sex, but you’re not. Like a button is pressed and POOF you are a different being.

UC: I guess so! But I just had to train myself out of thinking of myself in relation to what I hadn’t done, and think about myself in the context of what I have.

VJ: Have you had any negative feedback on staying a virgin for longer?

UC: Unfortunately, yeah- it usually gets thrown in my face by partners or men when they’re angry with me or want to hurt me? Stuff about I’m frigid or not normal or can’t come during sex, which I can — Lots of men want to tell me that because I waited, I’m gonna have hang-ups or other issues, that I’ll never be normal in bed.

VJ: That’s cruddy.

UC: It is. One guy in particular has hit that one same note over and over, that I’m not normal, normal people just hook up a lot and don’t put a lot of importance on sex, but you know, I know those people, and they don’t seem that happy to me.

VJ: Maybe not.

UC: And I know that I’m worth more than that.

VJ: Well, I think everyone is worth more, both women and men. But we believe what people tell us, which is that the only thing available to us is hookup sex, so we’d better take it, or get nothing. (laughs)

UC: Ha! Right.

“I was relieved that a penis didn’t feel like a giant finger inside me.”

VJ: What were you relieved about when you lost your virginity?
UC: I was honestly glad not to worry about it anymore. Also…Oh, god…

VJ: What?
UC: I was relieved that a penis didn’t feel like a giant finger inside me.

VJ: Haaaaa!

UC: Well, I wasn’t sure.

VJ: Well, how could you be? Thank you for sharing your sex history with me, babe.

The Unicorn Charmer has just ended a serious relationship and is currently out meeting new dates and potential partners in her new city, and is having fun, mostly!

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