Join Me in the Bedroom, Your Sexy Surprise Awaits…

How do you build up the tension with your partner, when you are planning a sexy surprise? Does planning your trysts keep a smile on your face all day?

“Go straight to the bedroom. Make yourself comfortable gorgeous, I’m fixing you a drink.”

I texted, as I slipped into the shadows of the darkened kitchen. “Bloody hell!” My husband was home early, and he’d caught me in the midst of the finishing touches to my “welcome home darling” handiwork.

Not ten minutes earlier, I had been attending to the seams of my come hither silky black stockings, lighting “everything looks better in candlelight” candles and gathering ingredients to make a delicious love potion (Dutch courage) before my phone alerted me that his plane had landed earlier than expected and my king was on en route to the castle.

My text delay tactic was a success, and he wordlessly took the hallway route directly to the bedroom, beautifully avoiding the slight scramble playing out in the kitchen. Having bought myself a few extra minutes, I returned to my preparations and to my Dutch courage.

I took a languid sip from my most lovingly crafted libation and smiled. “Damn that tasted good.” Casting aside my slippers, I eased my stocking feet into a pair of appropriately teetering stiletto heels. Another sip, another smile as I pressed the play button to release the strains of The Black Keys into the room.

I’d spent considerable time that day performing a mental scan of oh so many artists, oh so many songs, to choose the perfect playlist for my head fantasy. Another sip, another smile as I rewound the day and reflected on how this present moment had come to be.

It had all begun that morning, after school drop-off and on my way to the gym when the provocative rhythm of “Psychotic Girl” by The Black Keys came on the radio.

I’d had a week of solo parenting and after a marathon hamster wheel of juggling the jostling roles of resident short order cook, laundry department, worker bee, personal shopper, taxi driver, baseball Mum, errand girl, cleaning crew, homework tutor, caring mother/wife/friend/daughter/entrepreneur, I was very much looking forward to either some well earned beauty sleep, or a naughty play date.

Thanks to the inspiring hypnotic pulse of the Black Keys the naughty play date trumped beauty sleep.

This is a reoccurring theme. My mind’s movie reel flashed with a menu of potential choices for the evening’s feature presentation and my imagination was off to the races in conjuring up a most delightful and pleasurable reunion with my king.

Selfie Love

Why the most important relationship is the one you have with your SELF.

“You wander from room to room, hunting for the diamond necklace that is already around your neck”. – Rumi

Rumi was such a clever chap, and I like how this quote personifies how we so often look for love “out there” in the world, only to discover, it’s been “inside here” all along.

When we don’t fully accept our true Self (“SELFie Love”), we feel incomplete in some way, undeserving, unworthy, unfulfilled and suffer from “not enough-ness”.  The things we don’t like about ourselves are our holes that we set about filling in with relationships that make us feel better about our self-perceived flaws. Without realizing it, we blindly go out into the world bearing a “Fix Me” sign, on a quest for the missing piece that will make us feel complete.  Once found, we like to think we’ll find happiness, fulfillment, and love. The caveat is, that we inevitably attract relationships that recognize our incompleteness and present themselves as our missing puzzle piece.  In exchange, they’ll expect the same from us; that we will serve to be their means of completion.

“I can work with that”, you say to yourself.  “They fix me, I fix them, and everyone wins”!  If this scenario sounds familiar, ask yourself how it’s working out for you?  Do you have a track record of helping others to be their best, yet somehow come up short when it comes to your own fulfillment?  Is there a pattern of love relationships that start out as champagne and rapture, but end in cheap beer and heartache?  Do you travel from Wow to Woe post honeymoon phase, arriving bewildered at the destination of “what’s missing, why did he/she change, why does this always happen to me?”  And perhaps in a state of perplexed denial, you lay the blame at the feet of your partner, often making it their problem and responsibility to “fix” it again.  We get frustrated when we sense the missing piece is being withheld from us, so we deliver demands and the misery ensues until finally we, or they arrive at the conclusion that once again, we’ve misjudged, made a mistake and we call it quits.  Rinse, repeat.

I must confess, I am a former “not enough-ness” sufferer.  My story was nothing unusual.  I was raised on a healthy diet of fear and trust no one.  I often felt like I was a glass half-full, living in a glass half-empty world.  In my quest for role models, sameness and connection, I invariably missed the mark and found myself instead on the comfortable path of the devil I knew.

Dwelling in the business of pleasing others and not myself eventually got old.  I grew tired of feeling ridiculous as another rug beneath me was yanked, and the weight of being responsible for the happiness of others was suffocating my own joy.  When the lessons got harder and the pain hurt deeper I stopped asking myself “why” and started asking “WTF?”  What was it exactly I felt I lacked and sought to find in others?

With gentle compassion and warrior-esque grit, I declared “game over” and patiently retraced the breadcrumb trail of lessons all the way down to my soul, who welcomed me home with unconditional love.  Once the SELFie key unlocks your buried treasure, the epiphany is transcending.  The sparkle shines so brightly you’ll find it illuminates the entire pattern of behavior that’s been sabotaging your bliss.  Accepting the “new and improved” you is like winning the “enough-ness” lottery.  The brandished golden ticket is the discovery that you are your own missing piece to your own magnificent puzzle. You are finally enough just as you are.

Although I was a little late to this party, (incidentally – it’s never EVER too late) this epiphany changed my life.  From the moment I turned the key; that “I was my own missing puzzle piece, everything shifted.

When you find love within your Self, that’s when the world sees the real deal and you attract someone who lives from that same enough-ness place as yourself.  When these two souls are aligned the LOVE is cosmic.  Based on attraction, not neediness, each person complete independently, and elevated when shared together.  I call it “Blississsippi” or the “Mother Lode Love Lottery”.

Imagine the change we would see in the world if more of us believed we were enough.  To see change in the outside world, we first have to change our inside world.  You are entirely up to you.

Love you xo.

Loved and Learned Rather than Loved and Lost

Here’s what I learned about gratitude and pain during the worst variety of heartache…

Pain + Gratitude = Less Pain.  Less Pain + Gratitude = A Thirst For More Gratitude.

I like to think that gratitude is the currency of the Cosmos.  The more I spend the richer I become.  Like everything else, being thankful is a choice, just as in choosing love over fear, or happiness over crappiness.  Consciously choosing to dwell in gratitude simply makes me feel I’m closer to the source of the Universal gift dispensary.

This perspective sounds totally do-able when the road is paved with sunshine and smiles, but when the Darth Vader of heartache pays you a visit and bad things happen to good people, suddenly the “do-able” seems bloody impossible.  Here’s what I learned about gratitude and pain during the worst variety of heartache; Divorce.

Rather than fight the sadness, the fear, the resentment, the embarrassment with a fake smile and my genetic British upper lip bravado, I chose to commit to my grieving seriously.  I fully belly flopped into my feelings and gave myself permission to fall apart like a total pro.  Intuitively I knew that unleashing the hounds of pain, anger, disappointment, ridicule, and mountains of crap-ola I had put up with, was the massive exhale that my soul was starving for, after all those years of holding it’s breath.

Thank you for failing.

When you’re faced with good, bad, and ugly, it’s often tricky focusing on the good.  We get so tempted to dwell in the darkness, the pity, the punishing shoulda, coulda woulda’s that we forget to simply congratulate ourselves on being human and that   “failing” is actually critical to succeeding.  My bad and ugly were frightening and painful, but my good was the prize that made it all worthwhile.  My own happiness was not the only one at stake.  I had a child and we both deserved gold.

Thank you “Golden Boy”.

During much of my marriage, I often felt like the passenger in the movie “Speed”, with the work of a madman at the gas pedal.  Even though you may not be in control of your breakup, you are in complete control of how to proceed from here on out.  Knowing that you can get off the bus without knowing what is going to happen next is both terrifying and spectacularly thrilling.

What You Seek Is Seeking You… Make LOVE Daily

“What you seek is seeking you” – Rumi.

It is often said that the way we can get closest to feeling complete, and being whole, enough; is by choosing LOVE.  I have to admit; that this is a concept I so struggled with in my past.  I grew up on a healthy diet of fear.  Fear of what others may think (I’m British, so this is a national dilemma for my people).  Fear of being too much; too happy, too shiny, too chatty, too honest.  And fear of not being enough; not fast enough for the team, not creative enough for art, not coordinated enough for dance, not good enough to make choir, or, as it turned out, not enough to make my father stay.

I set out to seek LOVE and acceptance in the world as a way to compensate for my self-perceived flaws.  I traveled the globe, looking for LOVE and finding what I had defined as LOVE in a multitude of experiences, yet frequently managing to come up short.  I had great jobs, created a great business.  I set up lovely homes and met amazing people.  I fell in LOVE and married a man.  But my subconscious fears of not being enough was mirrored back to me by my mate, and I would ultimately become someone else’s “more” to compensate for their “less”.  We both fell short.  From the outside looking in, you might think I was running a pretty awesome LOVE story, but my sense of dread was omnipresent and the burden of being responsible for another’s happiness had drained my heart to the point of collapse.  It wasn’t until I was living the terrifying day-to-day reality with a partner who looked anywhere and everywhere outside of themselves to feel good inside, that I realized this LOVE story was missing one critical character; its’ heroine.  For in the act of seeking LOVE, I had lost my true Self.  I had done a spectacular job of giving to others, but not to my Self, and the experience had left me beyond exhausted and numb.

In times of adversity, there is much gold to be mined.  And buried amongst the rubble of my broken heart, marriage and family; lay the shiniest, most radiant, yet simplest truth of all.  That LOVE began with loving me.  When I began to choose LOVE for my Self, my life would be forever changed.  And I would finally feel complete, whole and enough.

The compassion of my truth led me to the understanding that I was in need of redefining my relationship with LOVE and to begin living the answers to my questions.

Why am I here?  To learn how to LOVE, and be Loved.

What makes the world a better place to live in?  LOVE.

What am I seeking? LOVE.

What could we all use more of?  LOVE.

What can I give and never run out of?  LOVE.

What’s the language of the Universe? LOVE.

What connects us all?  LOVE.

What is the answer to all my questions?  LOVE.

6 Steps to Create a Breakthrough in Your Love Life

I’ve been helping a dear client through the unraveling of her eleven-year marriage, which is giving me pause to reflect back on the gold of my illuminations surrounding relationship breakups. Six years ago, I was facing the disillusionment of my own marriage, and struggling with a “why me?” belief that life was happening to me. But as the fog of fear slowly began to lift, I caught a glimpse of a gift that would heal my heart and change the relationship I had with Love forever. There is nothing quite like adversity for discovering who we really are at our core. Whilst I had zero control over the behavior, actions and choices of others, I clung to the realization that I had full control over my own, and in that illuminating moment, I realized that life was actually happening for me. What follows is a self-compassion guide of what I learned when I chose Love over fear.

Acknowledge the hurt you feel is very real. There’s a certain brand of pain reserved specifically for the ending of a romantic relationship or marriage and it’s often a bitter tasting cocktail of disappointment, anger, resentment and just plain suckery. So often, we’ll do anything to avoid the taste, but these shadow emotions are just as important for us to feel as the brightness of joy, peace and love. They’re all essential parts of living the whole human experience. Glossing over this critical step not only sets you up for the likelihood of a rinse, repeat heartbreak, it denies you access to the illumination you’ll need for empowering different choices required by your future self.

Take a morning, a weekend or a “Get me outta here” reprieve to sit with the suckery and acknowledge the heft of the blow. Write, rant, cry it out. The pain needs to release. Setting it up and allowing it to do its job doesn’t have to feel like you’re rubbing salt on the wound, its simply a self-honoring act of kindness you can give to yourself.

Be Kind. It’s hard when everything hurts. Lashing out, talking trash, blaming, dissing, judging, and attacking may feel justified and downright entitled, but ultimately we’re adding suffering to the pain, and more pain will surely ensue. I’m a big fan of self -compassion; I like how it softens my edges and the edges of those around me. It sets the bar of what to expect of myself and offers an invitation for others to follow suit. If you have kids, be mindful of their own pain and the fact that they see and feel everything. Our words, and our behavior are the lessons we’re learning and teaching. Kindness takes crappiness to higher ground.

How I Hit The Cosmic Love Lottery

It was in the classroom of my childhood that I received my first love lesson. I was raised with the belief that love was something to earn in the form of praise, approval, and permission, in return for being well behaved, smiley, charming, and “good”. Neediness was considered weak. Opinions were not welcomed. Mistakes were greeted with disappointment and retraction. And as a result, I entered adulthood, believing that love was a reward to be earned by pleasing, and serving the needs of others, but not myself.  Self-Love was a memo I simply never received.

Getting What You Deserve

When it comes to love relationships, we attract the kind of partner we think we deserve. If the relationship we have with our self feels flawed, dishonored, or unworthy in some way, we project that self-belief out into the world, and we receive our mirror relationships. If we consider ourselves as a half, we attract another half. Always looking for someone else to complete us, and in return, we complete them. This particular type of relationship is founded in lack and neediness, and has a tendency to leave you depleted, resentful, disappointed, disempowered, and woefully unfulfilled.

Do the best you can, until you know better, then when you know better, do better Maya Angelou

I intuitively knew that my childhood teachers were only doing the best that they knew how. My knowing better would arrive in the fallout of my failing marriage, and the heart breaking truth that once more, I had made my choices from a place of lack and fear, for the happiness of others, but not for myself. The suffering in living with the belief that love existed in another person, in a place, a situation, or a thing, felt anything but loving. It felt painful. Ultimately, the emotional price of not taking care of my own needs led to the ending of my marriage. But it would also mark the end of living in fear; and the beginning of waking up to the bliss of the love lesson I’d been missing all along.

Rock Your Love and Bedroom Life Using Crystals

What Crystals Would You Use?

More than just pretty stones, crystals have been used for thousands of years for their mystical and powerful healing properties, and are commonly used in alchemic healing remedies, meditation, manifesting, and as sacred tools to support our daily lives. Personally, I find them utterly mesmerizing, and have been using them in my every day life and with my clients, as part of my intuitive coaching practice with truly magical results for many years.

High Vibe Crystals

Specific crystals work with different areas of our bodies, helping to promote a healthy flow of energy.  Each stone carries its own unique vibration that can identify, awaken, and elevate those cells in our bodies that are vibrating lower than they should, correcting any imbalances and harmonizing our physical, emotional and spiritual bodies.

More and more, these high vibe gems are finding their way into our self-love practices and the bedroom, as more and more individuals and couples seek to bring an elevated level of consciousness and intention to take their intimacy and sexual mojo to the next level.

Whatever kind of love you’re trying to attract, be it romantic, spiritual or friendship, you must first truly love yourself before you can fully accept or give love to others.

Rose Quartz- Gateway to Love

The beloved Rose Quartz crystal is a universal Heart Chakra healer, and the gateway stone to loving on all levels; self love, romantic partnership, friends, family, and universal relationships. To ground your life in loving energy, wear some Rose Quartz jewelry, sleep with it under your pillow, or tuck a piece into your pocket or even bra as a constant reminder that love is always close by.

Rhodochrosite-Healing Your Heart

This pretty pink stone helps to heal a broken heart and alleviates past hurts by gently cleansing, soothing, and repairing the energy field around our heart. When taken outside on a sunny day, it can absorb the beauty and magic of nature, allowing a sense of compassionate grace and softness to re-enter our lives.

For a beautiful healing self-love meditation, sit quietly with eyes closed and focus on your heart area. Envision a soft green light (the color associated with our Heart Chakra) emanating from the center of your being, and as you exhale, radiate love from your heart through your body in all directions and out into the Universe. As you inhale, visualize that green love light returning to you from all corners of the Universe, a million-fold, filling you up with pure love and light.

Red Garnet- Ignites Romance

Mediating with Red Garnet inspires and ignites love and romance. Use this powerful root chakra crystal when setting your intention to invite an ideal romantic partner into your life.

Clear Quartz –Manifesting Love

This is a manifesting must-have stone. Considered the master healer when used by itself, or as a broadcaster when partnered with other crystals. It cleanses your energetic aura and helps you connect to the best version of you. Clear Quartz is also ideal for using in crystal grids for it’s ability to broadcast the frequency of what you’re consciously creating.

Creating a Crystal Love Grid

To make a “Love Grid” place a Rose Quartz crystal (representing Love) at the center and place smaller pieces of Clear Quartz crystal points around it, arranging them in the shape of an infinity symbol (representing infinite lasting Love).  This grid can be set up and left in place for as long as you desire (cleansing crystals weekly for optimal charging). Set your intention for what it is you want to attract into your life and trace an imaginary outline of the grid with your finger, beginning and ending at the Rose Quartz center.

Lapis Lazuli- Rock Your Truth

Communicating your boundaries and desires with clarity, kindness and love is key to fostering respectful, healthy relationships. Lapis Lazuli is said to carry the vibration of our inner King or Queen and can help support us in speaking clearly, truthfully and lovingly, teaching others how we wish to be treated. Remember too, that communication also means the ability to be a good listener. In my experience, good listeners make for most excellent lovers.

Fire Agate, Jasper, Rubies- Get Your Mojo On!

Feeling sexually aroused is a sure sign that our positive energy is flowing freely, making sensuality and spirituality an ideal partnership for sexual intimacy. Certain crystals carry powerful aphrodisiac energy that fire up the sensual energy in our lower chakras allowing for our love to flow readily and helps partners to view their sexual relationship as a sacred bond.

Fire Agate and Red Jasper crystals are especially helpful for men in supporting the lower chakras, enhancing the libido and prolonging sexual activity. Orange Carnelian fires up the energy of the sacral chakra and helps women to restore vitality to their female sex organs (or Yoni, which is Sanskrit for Sacred Space).

Red Ruby stone carries an unsurpassable potency of empowering energy that can help both partners release inhibitions, and ignite their adventurous and playful sides.

Place these passion crystals on your nightstand, tucked under your pillow, or drop them into warm bathwater for some relaxation and sensual foreplay togetherness.

Crystal Clearing and Powerful LOVE

It’s essential to cleanse your crystals before using them and regularly as they absorb both our negative and positive energy. Running them under flowing water, smudging with sage smoke, or setting them out under the illuminating power of a full moon will all do a beautiful job of clearing and recharging your sacred love stones.

I wish you all the healing magic and delight that lies in store as you seek to attract and open your heart and life wide open to the high vibe power of LOVE.