Tinder – The First 48 Hours.

Hour 26:

All these dudes have ex-girlfriends.  All these dudes have someone that yearns for them the way I do for my ex.  Fuck all these dudes, and their stupid boats.  I don’t ever want to have sex again.

Hour 29:

First message!  Opens by calling me “cutie”.  Continues, telling me that he lives in Brentwood, and asks me what I’m into.  I reply, asking “In regards to what?”.  Hope that doesn’t seem defensive, but what if he means in general, not sexually?

Hour 33:

No reply from the first guy.  I’m assuming he meant sexually.  Now there are 3 more messages.  All boring, very standard cold opening stuff, it all sounds really contrived and planned.  I don’t like this, I like the organic spontaneity of a random in-the-flesh meeting.  But I said I’d reply to everything, so here we go.  Friendly return greeting, answer the boring questions, ask something benign in return…

Hour 37:

Message from a HOT DUDE.  He sends just an emoji.  Smiley blowing a kiss.  I reply with a taco, then immediately worry that he’s going to think I’m suggesting cunnilingus, then immediately stop caring about a grown man’s perception of tiny pictures.  He sends back “Ah, so you’ve done the update?”, we go back and forth a couple of times benignly.  I’m bored and walk away.

Hour 40:

Left swiping is my jam.  I’ve run out of people a few times now.  None of the messages have piqued my interest.  I’ve seen a bunch of guys I know in the real world, left swiped all of them.  If you know me in person and have that sort of interest in me, I’m probably already aware of it.  So many superlikes!! This is definitely a nice ego boost.  I’m pretty dense when it comes to noticing men flirting with me, so it’s nice to have definite confirmation.

Hour 43:

Middle of the night swiping, woken up by a stupid notification noise.  I’m not ready to meet someone else.  I’m mad at these strangers for not being the man I (unfortunately) still love.  I feel like I’m being unfair even looking at their pictures, pretending I have some interest in meeting them.  I’m overthinking this because it’s 3am.  Going back to sleep.

Hour 48:

I’ve crossed the finish line, and I honestly think my time on Tinder was perfect.  I mean, I didn’t find true love, make a special date, or even lock down some hot, easy D, but it was what I needed, when I needed it.  I’ve learned that I’m not ready to meet someone else yet, but also have been reminded that there are plenty of options enthusiastically available when I am.  Still gonna delete it for now, though…

Pages: 1 2

Tinder – The First 48 Hours.

About The Author
- Susanna Lee is a standup comic, storyteller, burlesque artist, and yoga teacher. She has performed at numerous festivals, including the Bridgetown Comedy Fest, Chicago Comedy Fest, and was a headlining performer and main emcee for the 2013 New Zealand Burlesque Fest. She lives in Los Angeles with 3 cats and a lot of hope.