How to Date Today: A Guide for Every Generation

My mother is a baby boomer.  She’s from a different generation of ideas about love and dating- she was a virgin when she married my Dad, and in dating, she expects to be courted, with flowers and formal plans. Recently, she had a long-term boyfriend that my sisters and I talked her out of marrying, because although she didn’t really want to, that’s what she thought she was supposed to do.   

Mom: “But I’ve been seeing him for months, and everyone in town can see when his truck is parked outside my house!”

Sisters: “WHO CARES?  You don’t have to get married unless you really want to!”

Mom: “But I go to church!”

My middle sister and I are Gen-X.  We can remember dating in personal ads, when you would try to find someone with the same taste in movies and food and never see their face until the first date.  My sister was in an eight year relationship where she wore nothing but flannels and ironic baby tees.  We don’t have my mother’s reservations about living in sin- our generation has been known to live together for several presidential terms before considering marriage.

My baby sister is a Millennial.  Her generation has never dated without the internet.    All of their jobs involve social networking.  They do not seem to know how to have a relationship, even if they want one.  They only know how to hook up.  They don’t plan ahead for dates, when they have a free hour they see who’s around.  They say that they’ll fall in love with the perfect person, but they’re not sure who that is.  They are not allowed to have body hair.  And their dating style is ruining it for the rest of us. 

The single serving date phenomenon has become a big part of the dating experience, at least in big cities.  Once you’ve had one date, that person is suddenly in competition with everyone else in a twenty mile radius.  As it turns out, even LA is not as big as people think it is- every rock show I attend is full of one-date men I have to avoid eye contact with.   People are simply not being born or imported fast enough to be rejected by us!  The most popular breakup method is the “fade-away”, where after two or ten dates you slow, then eliminate contact.  It’s not just people in their twenties and thirties- I went on a couple dates with a fifty year old man whose longest relationship was shorter than his Audi lease, and he felt that this was extremely normal.

Young Couple Kissing In Restaurant

So far, I have had 50 first dates on OK Cupid and have had three relationships.  Some people were looking for relationships and some were not, and those aren’t terrible numbers, but now that my Mom is in the game, she calls me to crow about her account. 

“I have three dates this week, and your sisters don’t have any!”  I told her I was very proud that she was the hot piece of action in our family.

9 Signs You’re In Love With A Narcissist

Narcissists are appealing for good reason: they’re charming, compelling and don’t hold back on the compliments. By the time you realize just how toxic a narcissist can be, you’ve likely already been duped into developing feelings for him or her.

Of course, not everyone you date who’s vaguely self-absorbed has full-blown narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). It’s important to note that narcissism exists on a spectrum, said Dr. Craig Malkin, an instructor of psychology at Harvard University and the author of Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad — and Surprising Good — About Feeling Special.

“Not all narcissists have NPD,” Malkin told The Huffington Post. “‘Narcissist’ is just a label that indicates someone scores well above average on narcissism measures. They’re high in traits, but may or may not have the disorder.”

Below, Malkin and three other experts shed light on the telltale signs you’re in a relationship with a narcissist.

1. In the beginning, they love bomb you.
Narcissists are very, very good at turning on the charm when they first meet you. As far as they’re concerned, you’ve got the looks of a young Elizabeth Taylor and the wit of a thousand Tina Feys. But don’t get used to those compliments or the pricey dinners they treat you to — it’s not likely to last, said licensed marriage and family therapist Virginia Gilbert.

“That behavior is called love bombing but with a narcissist, the smothering, razzle-dazzle display has nothing to do with you,” she said. “You merely supply whatever the narcissist wants at the time (sex, money, status, youth),” she said. “Once he or she has you, the ‘love’ you feel will morph into control and denigration.”

2. Grand, sweeping gestures are their strong suit.

Narcissists want to be remembered. If there’s a chance to one-up someone’s good story and impress others in the group, they’ll take it. If there’s a group dinner tab, they’re more than happy to pick it up. They live for those moments that bolster their own grandiose self image, said Tina Swithin, the author of Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle. But you need to stay wary of their motives.

“As a narcissist is paying the tab, she is scanning the group and taking notes on how she can use the experience or group members to maintain her inflated self-image or elevate her status,” Swithin said.” There is always an ulterior motive when it comes to a narcissist.”

3. They can’t admit when they’re wrong.
There’s a right way and a wrong way to do things: Naturally, the right way is always the narcissist’s way and the wrong way — just by default — is yours, Gilbert said. And if you try to follow through on orders the narcissist barks, you’ll still be doing it wrong.

“The narcissist will publicly lambaste you or anyone who dares do something not precisely to his or her liking,” Gilbert said. “The way they see it, you didn’t just make a mistake: you committed an atrocity and are accused of being stupid or incompetent.”

If they put you in the position of defending yourself, don’t even attempt to explain. “You will never get a narcissist to see your point-of-view or admit he was wrong,” Gilbert said.

4. They’re envious of your relationship with others.
Initially, narcissists may tell you they admire the close knit-relationships you have with family and friends. But criticism of those same people soon follows, said clinical psychologist Margaret Rutherford.

“Again, it’s all about control,” Rutherford said, adding that the motivation is usually twofold: “He or she may be envious of your relationships with others or want you more to themselves. And just by their very nature, the narcissist is demanding. They want to feel in control of you. This is just another way of doing that.”

Smiling Woman Taking A Selfie

5. The narcissist lives for the “likes.”

New research suggests that people who constantly update their Facebook status are more likely to exhibit narcissistic traits. If you’re currently coupled up with a narcissist, be prepared to have your Facebook newsfeed flooded with humble-brag statuses and photo posts.

“The most outgoing narcissists adore the spotlight,” Dr. Craig Malkin explained. “Image churning on Facebook draws attention to people. The flood of likes and comments gives everyone a rush of affirmation but narcissists tend to become hooked. That’s probably why people who frequently update tend to be more narcissistic than those of us content to choose one selfie and stick with it.”

6. Their brand of empathy is self-motivated.
Contrary to popular belief, most people on the narcissistic spectrum don’t have a complete lack of empathy for others. It’s just that they’re far too concerned with their own preoccupations, needs and fears to show it, Malkin said. When they do express it, there’s usually some ulterior motivate for doing so.

“If they’re motivated, say by the need to get you into bed with them, they can be amazing listeners and their caring is genuine,” the psychologist explained. “But it may only come to them when there’s a payoff. If their empathy seems to come and go depending on what’s in it for them, beware.”

7. Conversations are one-sided.

Good luck getting a word in edgewise while having a conversation with a narcissist. Dominating the conversation — even when the topic relates entirely to you — is a hallmark trait of the narcissist. They may feign interest in your college basketball picks, but deep down, they can’t wait to to hijack the conversation and offer up their superior opinion.

“Their interest is always short-lived,” said Swithin. “ Over time, you will notice that every topic is skillfully turned into an opportunity for the narcissist to brag or boast about their favorite topic: the narcissist! A simple conversation about your new car will likely turn into an opportunity for him to talk about the rare sports car that he is importing from Germany.”

8. They’re really, really ridiculously good looking.
Face it: the narcissist’s style and good looks may have been one of the first things that drew you in. But the need to look good is not a healthy vanity with the narcissist; it’s just another way to gain the adoration that they run on, Malkin said.

“Sorry to say, but if your partner wears sexy outfits or always dresses to nines, odds are they’re more narcissistic than most of us — or worse,” he said. “Manipulative, coldly calculating narcissists aren’t better looking from birth, but they’re really good at looking sharp — something called ‘effective adornment.'”

9. Your needs and requests don’t matter.
If you’re in love with someone who’s narcissistic, your needs will always come second. They’re too busy assessing what they need from you to see you as a whole, separate person with your own needs and desires, Gilbert said.

“Everything is an extension of the narcissist,” said explained. “Expressing those needs feels like a threat to the narcissist, who will likely make you feel that your requests are outlandish, while she demands to have everything her way. If you feel like you’re starving or gasping for air just to be heard, chances are you’re involved with a narcissist.”

Curated by Timothy

Original Article


Domestic Relief

On the eve of Valentine’s Day, my boyfriend sent me a message containing those magical words that every woman longs to hear: ‘don’t worry love, I’ve already got the milk.’

Simple words. Romantic words. Words akin to: ‘you just stay in bed’ and ‘but I love putting the seat down’ and ‘here’s an idea, why don’t I do both our tax returns’. (I’ve never had to do a tax return, but can imagine that someone offering to do it for me would feel like the most solicitous of marriage proposals.)

When I got this text I was driving home through London traffic having just completed a gruelling 12-hour shift. The thought of stopping to buy milk had been tormenting me ever since I noticed we were out first thing this morning. In the intervening hours I had decided that my boyfriend never bought milk, or bread, or did anything around the house for that matter, and that I might as well just end it (and him) (and me while I was at it) right now, because what future could we possibly have together?  In fact, he’d already got the milk. And so our relationship was saved.

We didn’t have any plans for Valentine’s Day, but as good fortune would have it, the boy chose this of all days to clean the bathroom (N.B. it was definitely his turn). I found him kneeling over the bathtub wearing nothing but marigolds and a pair of long johns, and was overcome with desire. Refreshed after a solid night’s sleep, I interrupted him mid-scrub and lured him back to bed, where we spent a lazy morning making each other feel 100% loved. Happy February 14!

Couple drinking champagne in bathtub.

Combined, these experiences made me feel as though I’d had the most romantic Valentine’s Day of my life. From this, you might infer that I have unusually low standards. Not so. In the past, I’ve been whisked off to Barcelona, punted down the River Cam (not a euphemism), and given the entire Sex and the City Box Set, a romantic gift if only for the personal sacrifice it represented. But to this tired midwife, my boyfriend’s lightening of the domestic load constituted the greatest gift of all.

I discussed this with my big sister who knows everything and is always right. She agreed it’s good to have a partner who is handy around the house. ‘But,’ she added, ‘if there are things they can’t do, you can always remove the issue altogether’. Here, she was talking about washing up; specifically, her husband’s inability to do it. Throughout the early, impoverished years of their relationship, his bad washing up was an endless sticking point. Then, they hit the big time (i.e. qualified as teachers) and could afford a dishwasher. Today, thanks to this common household appliance, happiness reigns: while terrible at washing up, the husband is a mean stacker. Vive la domestic revolution!

For the busy grown up, it is undoubtedly a treat to have one less thing to do. But, as far as those squishy love feelings go, it’s about so much more than that. In my experience, the nurturing love that – if we’re lucky – we receive from our parents comes along rarely in a romantic form. It is a great thing to be with someone who can put your needs before their own; it is joyous thing to be with someone who actually seems to enjoy doing it.

young couple painting baby nursery in new home pink

My boyfriend is far from perfect (he has an uncanny knack of getting rubber gloves wet on the inside), and he is more than capable of looking out for himself. But on a good day, through a multitude of gestures, he makes me feel infinitely cared for. This makes me want to care for him in return. In this way, we waste little energy on resentment.

In my 20s, love was an ego-fuelled rollercoaster ride of fulfilled then thwarted wants. In my 30s, it is a coffee pressed into my hand made with milk that I didn’t have to buy. And I’m fine with that.

Written by Midwife X


10 Ways to Get More Intimate With Your Partner

Honesty and communication make up the foundation for a healthy relationship. But, what exactly does it take to achieve these things? According to certified Sexologist Jaiya Hanauer, there are 10 important ways to build intimacy and make a deeper connection with your partner.


The eyes are the doorways to a connected sex life. Although it may feel a little funny at first, making eye contact during sex tells your partner that all your attention is on him. It builds trust, which ultimately leads to a stronger sexual and emotional bond.


Touching each other throughout the day builds longing for each other. Massaging, stroking, and caressing all produces oxytocin, which is the bonding chemical. To build a deeper connection, try touching each other without having sex. Build up the tension for a few days to make your next intimate an explosive encounter.


We do it automatically everyday but most of us don’t realize that breathing is a way to heighten pleasure and arousal. When you breathe deeper, you bring more oxygen into the body, which allows you to be aroused at greater heights. Alternating your breath as you breathe into each other’s mouths is an intimate exercise that has been used in ancient traditions as a way to share the soul.

Side view of passionate young couple embracing in bedroom


The simple act of sending a sweet text message or complimenting your lover can send blood rushing into the genitals. Not only does it build anticipation, but will also keep your partner thinking about you all day.


Nothing breaks the mood like cell phones blaring and clutter all over your bedroom. Set the scene for intimacy with sensual music, candles, clean sheets and a shift in environment. Don’t limit intimacy to the bedroom only, you can also create a stage for an encore performance in the living room or kitchen. Think of sex as a theatrical piece—you need the right lighting, right mood and sets. Stimulating your creativity as you prepare actually stimulates the sexual drive.


Taking the time out to do things for your lover that shows that you care and respect his feelings is very important. Plan to go to his favorite restaurant, run a simple errand for him or cook him an exquisite meal. Doing something for him out of the blue will surely increase the love he has for you.


Many couples get into patterns when it comes to sex. To break free of the bedroom doldrums, do something adventurous. Take a class together at a sex boutique, go skydiving or do something else that you have never done in bed before, but have always wanted to try.

Attractive Girls Petting


Creating a romantic dinner together with specific foods can actually form deeper bonds. Chocolate, for example, contains the chemical Phenethylamine (PEA) which is responsible for the feeling of being in love. Avocados boost both the male and female libido.


Using your imagination always gives a great boost to your sex life. If you consciously take on a fantasy role in the bedroom, the level of intimacy is heightened when you come back to your more traditional roles in the relationship. Try role-playing as an erotic masseuse and client or as a captor and captive.


In today’s world, women are becoming stronger than ever and it takes a lot to let down our guards, especially if we’ve been hurt before. But, letting the walls around you melt and allowing your partner to penetrate you emotionally and physically are some of the best things you can do in a relationship. Share your deepest feelings with him and allow him to get to know all the different facets of your personality.

Curated by Erbe

Original Article


Everyday Secrets of Happy Couples

Relationships take work…but also crazy fun. These secrets to maintaining a happy relationship will not only strengthen the bond between you and your partner, but you’ll have a little bit of fun to go with it!

The Art of Flirting: 5 Flirting Styles

Flirting is the gentle art of letting a person know that you are interested in them.

Flirting isn’t just a bird call to invite people to a relationship or a booty call; it’s also done to feel sexy, inviting, exciting and desirable.  And perhaps, one or two off times, to make your partner feel jealous! But whatever may be the reasons, the fact of the matter is — that flirting is tricky. Almost all of us have missed to notice that someone was flirting with us. Also sadly, in these times, even friendliness is sometimes mistaken as being flirtatious, so you might have heard from your friend the morning after, that the girl you were bonding with over football, thought you were a pushy flirt, or maybe even borderline creepy!

Now, wouldn’t it be great: If you could somehow get the secret to flirting right? Haven’t you noticed around you, how people not traditionally appealing for the opposite sex, are still somehow popular with them?

The answer, my friend, isn’t blowing in the wind (Bruce Springsteen, anyone?). It is inside the book The Five Flirting Styles by Jeffrey A. Hall, a Ph.D and an international expert on dating and relationships, published by Harlequin.

The book, with its groundbreaking distinction of flirting styles into five distinct ones, has helped thousands of people to discover and polish their natural flirting style and assisted them to find their perfect match. We bring Mr. Hall’s research right to you, to unlock the secret to flirt right.

Flirting can essentially be divided into the following types:

1. The Physical Style
Young beautiful couple flirting on beach

The Physical flirt knows what he’s got going for himself and is not afraid to use it.

Confident in using his body language to communicate interest, the physical flirt has no problems in touching their crush gently to indicate interest.

He is not shy about letting a potential partner know how he feels and does so through his physicality, non-verbal behavior and physical attractiveness.

What works for The Physical Flirt: 

They have little problem letting people know that they are interested.

They often result in sparking a physical connection with their date, much quicker than the rest.

What doesn’t work for them: 

Other people might interpret their everyday manner as more sexually charged.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, people might not be comfortable with their overt physical manner.

Research Says

Your physical attractiveness can change dramatically during a first date. Your personality affects how sexy other people perceive you to be. What you say can either enhance or undermine how attractive other people perceive you to be.

2. The Polite Style

Good manners are a must for this flirt.

Rule governed and polished, the basic arsenal in their armory is genteel and refined behavior.

They are always polite, and may refuse to engage in inappropriate or obviously sexual behavior that might make the other person uncomfortable. This type of a flirt is more likely to invite their potential date to a coffee shop or someplace quiet, as opposed to a noisy club, to get to speak to them at a more personal level.

They diligently follow courtship rules and will always choose civility over pushiness.

What works for The Polite Flirt:

They never come across as looking needy or trying too hard.

They also never embarrass themselves or pass off as appearing too aggressive and insensitive.

They are always well regarded by the opposite gender for their gentlemanly manner.

What doesn’t work for them:

They can seldom appreciate the flirting styles of other people. They may even feel that forward people are rude or impolite.

The Polite Flirt’s approach could be slow paced and quite indirect.

They like to keep their physical feelings in check for the sake of romance.

To the Polite flirt, being out-and-out direct when engaging in romance is simply uncouth. So they might fail to establish a physical connect with their date.

3. The Playful Style

For them, flirting is a game. To the Playful Flirt, it is fun to meet new people, talk them up and make people fall for them.

The playful style is bubbly, funny, flirty and fun.

Playful flirts do not care how others might interpret their behavior as long as they are having a good time.

Note: Playful flirts can even flirt with someone when they are not attracted to them!

What works for The Playful Flirt: 

They are perhaps the most popular of all among the opposite sex.

They can easily mingle with their date and get a crackling chemistry with them in record time!

What doesn’t work for them: 

Getting into a long term relationship is tricky for the Playful Flirt, as they have some big temptations to fight on the way.

For instance, a man who was a Playful Flirt all his life — now flirts with even a waitress when at a restaurant with his wife. He has a daughter too, and is quite loyal to his wife. But he simply can’t get rid of his habit. Now the two have just accepted that he will flirt wherever possible just to get an extra shot of self-esteem!

4. The Sincere Style
Passionate Sensual Couple In Mirror

They show sincere personal interest. This type of a flirt wants to create an emotional bond with a new crush. Their approach is to share things about themselves and get the other people talking.

They take the first rule of socializing to heart: that if you want to be an interesting conversationalist, you must get people to talk about themselves. They pay great attention to a partner’s personality.

For them, the best chemistry involves around communication and full disclosure.

What works for The Sincere Flirt: 

This approach is highly effective and makes them liked by people immensely.

Seeking an emotional connect with a partner is defined as the most agreeable, desirable and effective of all communications, and flirts of this type usually go on to build lasting relationships.

What doesn’t work for them: 

Some people might perceive the Sincere Flirt as boring, as most people like a little bit of fun and danger in flirting.

5. The Traditional Style

This type feels that men should make the first move and women shouldn’t.

It’s not just that they like this arrangement, in fact they even insist on it.

The men belonging to this flirting type like to confirm to traditional gender defined roles. Like paying for her every time, pulling the chair for her, opening the car door for her, etc.

They might think that the woman who flirts with them first is too forward, and in extreme cases might brandish her as a slut.

What works for them:

It’s easy to confirm to this type. Men ask women out, men open the doors for women, men clear the cheque at a dinner. Men kiss first. Men are more physically aggressive. Women push back. Men go further and conquer. See, so simple!

What doesn’t work for them:

Hey, most cool women won’t fall for that! This flirting style died in the nineties.

You can buy the full book here at


Curated by Erbe

Original Article

Shh-do you Sext?

By Susanna Lee

I love sexting.  Honestly, no sarcasm, I absolutely love it.  Nothing happening on my phone makes me nearly as happy as getting some late night sexts from someone I love.  Ah, who am I kidding?  I love sexting anytime, day or night.  If sexts were food, I’d eat them until my stomach burst.  If sexts were a pair of jeans, I’d wear them until they fell apart at the seams.  If sexts were a…well, I can’t think of another cute analogy, but I think you get the idea. Those naughty little things make me tingle, and let me know that I’m on your mind in a very specific way, even when I’m not right in front of your face.  They convey desire, and we all like the feeling of being wanted.   Maybe its willful ignorance, but I just can’t understand why everyone doesn’t love them.

One of my closest friends hates sexting, so I asked why.  She said “It’s just creepy.”  To which I asked, “Even with someone you’re seeing?   How is it creepy to say sexy things to someone whose genitals you’ve had in your mouth?”   Then she got honest and to the heart of the matter, “Okay, fine, maybe it’s not creepy, per se, but I’m just not good at it and I don’t want to look like a moron.  I mean what if I say something dumb, and he shows his friends?”  And there it is.  There’s a difference between really disliking something, and just shying away from it out of fear of novice status embarrassment.   Sexting is like any other skill set, it takes dedication and practice to master.  I want to help you find more confidence in your sexting game, so you can relax and really enjoy it, and I’ve put together a few cheat codes to take some of the time off your learning curve.  The visual aids are re-creations of my own most glorious sexting mishaps, to illustrate the points made.

1. Warning shot before beaver shot!   Always, and I mean ALWAYS, send a words-only text first, in order to gauge the appropriateness of your lover’s situation before sending out those rockin’ tits.  I’m not saying don’t send a hot shot to someone at Sunday mass (in fact, I would encourage it), but you don’t want to send a sexy surprise to someone who’s in the middle of getting fired.  Or just had an accident, or at a funeral, etc… Avoid creating a negative association.  You don’t want your lover to think about getting rear ended by someone without insurance every time he or she sees your hot ass.

2. K.I.S.S.   Keep it sexy, silly!   You wouldn’t interrupt in-the-flesh sex to ask about dinner with your parents on Thursday, don’t do it via sext either.  Finish what you’ve started, then worry about stuff that happens fully clothed.   Also involved in keeping things hot is the language you choose to use.  A little babytalk, uttered in a sexy voice with some bats of the eyelashes may be your thing in the actual bedroom, but tone does not transfer to text.  In text, your widdle, teeny puss-puss is a big, giant bonerkiller (as that specific phrase would be in real life, too, I just couldn’t think of another because I’m not a babytalker).  If you don’t like the words commonly used for body parts, do a tiny bit of research and find ones you can use without cringing.  Watch kink, read erotica, even Google it, but use adult words for adult things.   Also, don’t put pressure on yourself to reinvent the wheel with sexting.  You don’t have to say something to them that no one’s ever said before; they aren’t grading you, or judging you on your originality, so relax, and keep the mood more Barry White than Buffalo Bill.  Also, allow for typos, no one wants to sext with a spelling/grammar diva.  Give your sweetheart a break, it’s very challenging to text with one hand and not much blood going to the brain.

3. Brevity is the soul of slit.  Send short enough texts that they can be read without extensive scrolling, or being broken up into multiple clumps.  We all know that iPhone to Android (and vice versa) texts won’t be one smooth message bubble, and sometimes they arrive out of order.  That builds frustration, not heat.

Morning. Cute woman in the bed with mobile phone

4. Patience, Grasshopper…  After you send that pic, allow time for the recipient to *fully appreciate* it.  There is a definite vulnerability that comes along with sexting, so it’s easy to freak out and imagine the worst when you send a for-your-eyes-only pic and don’t immediately hear back.  The minutes feel like hours, and the imagination can be quick to turn your sweet beloved into a villain out to do no good, forwarding your nudie pic to everyone in their phone.   They aren’t.  They are looking at your picture while they do things to themselves that they wish you were there to do.  Bigger picture advice though: Don’t sext (or sex) someone you don’t trust.

5. Check your recipient, check again, and then, check again, again.  No explanation needed.

All tips aside, here’s the bottom line:  In sexting, as with tactile sex, the hottest thing you can do is enjoy yourself without inhibition.  Your partner does not care about perfection, I promise.  They aren’t focused on your typos.  So stop worrying, put on your big-girl panties (or take them off, rather) and hit send.


How to Spot Sexual Attraction in Eyes

Out of all the different non-verbal behaviors, I think that spotting attraction is without a doubt the easiest. We are very emotional creatures and when we’re attracted to somebody, it’s very, very difficult to hide. People think they’re hiding it, but things always slip.

One of the ways they slip are essentially the eyes. There are a lot of different ways you can use the eyes to determine whether or not someone’s attracted to you. The first thing is essentially eye contact. For the most part, usually we make eye contact with people that we’re interested in or people that we’re attracted to. Right? But this is not entirely true. Some people are shy or anxious and they’re not going to make eye contact. So what you’re looking for essentially is a deviation in eye contact.

So one of the ways you can use eye contact and there’s a little trick that’s very, very reliable. So what you’re going to do is if you look at somebody in a bar or restaurant or on the street and they break eye contact vertically, so they look down. So you make eye contact with them and they break eye contact vertically and then within 20-30 seconds they reestablish eye contact, approach them. They like you. It’s a very, very reliable thing.

Essentially what they’re doing. You stare at them. They’re submitting to you and then they take a little second glance to see who you are. It’s very, very, very reliable. The opposite of that would be if you look at somebody and they look at you and they immediately go and break eye contact. Nope, not interested. But what is reliable is they break eye contact and they come back. Break eye contact and then come back. Break eye contact and then come back. It’s very interesting.

And don’t let it wait. If you see that, go right away because the more and more you wait. The more and more eye contact becomes very, very awkward. One of the things that I do in one of my classes is I have people stare each other in the eyes for three minutes without saying anything. They just stare each other in the eyes like this. Try that. Go out and try to stare somebody in the eyes for even 90 seconds. I guarantee you can’t do it. It’s awkward. It’s so awkward because humans are not really at a level intimacy. When you stare somebody in the eyes is so awkward when you’re doing it with a stranger.

Studies will show that if you stare somebody in the eyes for 90 seconds to three minutes, all of a sudden you’re going to like that person a lot better than everybody else in the room because you kind of shared this emotional connection. So eye contact is important in that respect.

The second thing you can look for essentially is blink rate. Now, this is really cool. So blink rate correlate with emotional excitement. When we are emotionally excited, our blink rates tend to increase. Right? Average blink rates tend to be below 20 blinks per minute. For most people it really depends on where you are, but it’s really hard to nail down what the average blink rate is. But in my experience, it seems to be around 10 blinks per minute. Right? So you see, whenever you see a sudden spike or a bunch of sudden spikes in somebody’s blink rate in can be an indication of attraction. In my dating studies you see blink rates through the roof because the person across the table from you has an emotional response. You’re attracted to them.

The third way of kind of using the eyes to determine attraction is dilation. It’s very interesting. Our eyes dilate when we’re attracted to something. Right? Go out and find a Maxim magazine or a Playboy magazine or any cover that’s predominately men focusing. Every single woman will have her eyes dilated. You never, ever see them constricted. The reason why is because men perceive women with dilated eyes more attractive than women with more constricted eyes. To the point of back in the day prostitutes used to put a specific toxin in their eyes to make them dilate.

Guy-Approved Seduction Tips

Seduce the right guy, the right way.

Men are simple creatures. Women spend much more time pondering our desires and motivations than  than we do, but nobody said we don’t value introspection. Women want to know what men want, and men—when plied with alcohol—want to tell them. So armed with a pen and an open bar tab, I set out to find the information that will help you snag your man.

First, know what you’re after. More and more women are holding off on relationships—at least for a while—and, like countless men before them, complaining that they can’t get no satisfaction. Emphasis on ‘action.’ So the first question I posed to the motley mass: “What should a woman do to get your interest if they want to sleep with you?”

“Just say hello!”

“Ask us to buy you a beer.”

“Stick your hand on my crotch.”

“Dress slutty, and take off your shirt.”

What can I say? We’re a shallow lot. The truth is, if you want to seduce a man into bed with you and he doesn’t have what he thinks is a “better” option, you just have to lay it out there. Alcohol helps. Ugly, I know.

But seducing for life is another matter. “Men, instinctually, gotta hunt,” says Bechir, 26, “and what we hunt is hot women. But every man doesn’t see ‘hot’ the same way.”

Just like we wouldn’t use a monkey wrench to put up drywall, you’ll need different tools depending on what kind of guy you’re trying to land. So tip number two? Know your audience. A primer:

The Baller
The Guy: Whether he loves football or baseball, basketball or soccer or rugby, his dream girl is a sexy, fun, low-maintenance, bust-open-a-beer cheerleader for “Team Him.” He loves the gym, loves sports, and will wear his team’s jerseys to your grandparents’ 50th wedding anniversary party.

The Approach: In his mind, he’s a big league athlete, so compliment his physique, and be specific (“You have great triceps”). He spends time on this, and he’ll be psyched you noticed. Lots of  arm-touching and bicep squeezing is good; make him feel strong (Hint: We love it when you say, “Can you open this?”) Drink a beer, not a martini, and ask him to play a game of darts or pool. Even if you suck, he’ll love teaching you the game. It’s also a great place for physical contact. “And ask him if he ever played sports,” said Mark, 31, to grunts of approval all around. “We love that.”

The Warning: You may always play second fiddle to the gym or his favorite sports team, and Sunday afternoon could be really frustrating for you. If he doesn’t give up Sunday afternoon orMonday Night Football for you when you’re dating, he  never will. Kids won’t change it either; he’ll want to teach them to love the Jets/Bulls/Yankees as much as he does.

The Big Daddy
The Guy: This guy doesn’t just think of himself as a man, he thinks of himself as The Man, and you should, too. He loves women, but not in the most modern, equality-driven way, and he wants his girlfriend (or wife) to be sexy.

The Approach: Be hot, but don’t dress in the “screw-me” dress or that’s all you’ll get. “It’s all about the first look,” says Bechir, “an outfit that compliments you best feature: breasts, ass, legs, whatever you got. Look good with just a hint of ‘freak’ that might be his later. This is a dog, give him a little bone!”   Let him talk about himself, because this guy values a supportive woman more than an intellectual one. “I want a loyal woman who is gonna take care of me when it counts ,” says Hector, 27, “the kitchen and the bedroom.” Two guys high-five behind him, but I look a little uncomfortable until Hector’s friend jumps in: “Cook him dinner! If you cook like his mom, you’re in!”

Warning: Cook like his mom, but don’t smell like his mom. Find a unique perfume that smells all-girl. And most importantly, don’t confuse “supportive” with “vapid.” Make jokes, show some spirit, and don’t overdo it. If there’s a small something you don’t like about him, don’t lie; turn it into a positive. If he’s pudgy, call him your “pudgy bear.” Then have crazy sex with him.

The Nerd
The Guy: Forget coy smiles from across the bar; this guy won’t approach you. In his mind he’s still the skinny dork standing on the sidelines of the school dance.

The Approach: Chum it up. Laugh at his jokes, don’t wear make-up, be a dork. It’s cool with him. This is a good guy who want a real girl. Also, comment on how smart he is. He thinks his brain is his best feature, so make it seem sexy. And use the following phrase: “You are really cute, I love your (insert desirable quality here).” He’ll fall all over himself if he thinks you might give him the rock-star sex that he spends good money to watch on the internet. But be careful: these guys make great best friends, but move from “buddy” to “relationship” quickly or you could slip into the “best-friend-with benefits” zone.

Warning: These guys usually have a hobby or interest you don’t understand–RPG’s, Lord of the Rings obsessions, Fantasy Football, whatever. Don’t mock it.. If you don’t get it, fine. Just be supportive. If you happen to love it, too, then dress up in Star Trek outfits and role-play your way to Geek Love.

The Bad Boy
The Guy: Hot, interesting, mysterious and full of possibilities… the ultimate diamond in the rough. This guy is unpredictable, and no matter how many times he forgets to call or  issues last minute invitations, there is a certain brilliance and sensitivity and excitement about him. Or so you say.

Approach: “If you’re hot enough or I have nothing better, you’re in,” says Marco, 23, who claims he ‘really means well every time [he] screws up.’ Be interested, fun and up for anything, but not needy. In fact, don’t need anything, because you won’t get it. This is all about him, and if you’re open to adventure and don’t mind clutching coat tails, he’ll be happy to take you for a wild ride.

Warning: He is never going to change. You won’t fix him. He will crush your heart into pieces, and then snort them up his nose. If you still want to pursue him, go into your room and draw a map of where you’re about to hide your self-esteem, because you won’t be able to find it later.

Despite their differences, there was one thing that all the men agreed upon: If you have goals for a guy beyond the end of the evening, don’t look slutty or be crude in public; we don’t want to take that home to mom. Men may love porn, but we don’t want to marry a porn star.

Feeling like the topic was thoroughly vetted, I started to close out the tab when  a new voice piped up:

“It’s so hard and yet so simple,” said Phillip, a divorced father of two. “If you want to seduce a man down the aisle, be positive, bring joy to the table, use your brain, laugh, and let us think we are–at least to you–the smartest most interesting man in the world, and that you will always be an advocate for us.”

The men all nodded quietly, struck dumb by awe and Heineken, till, with equal reverence, Todd, 34, chimed in: “And you gotta give blow jobs.”


Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Overseas Lovers & Secondary Adolescence

Moving overseas has a tendency to feel like a second adolescence. You wipe the slate and have a chance to try on different versions of yourself. It can be quite daunting navigating what feels like being an adult teenager. It is a cycle of losing and finding yourself until you find the right fit. If you choose to return to your nest from battle, you may find you are comforted by familiarity and perspective. Then, should you decide to return to where you did all your growing and shifting, you get to double down on new perspectives.

Here is my story on my second adolescence and some of the relationships I experienced.

I had a thing for Bens* around the time I moved to Australia. My first Ben came to me when I found my first apartment in Melbourne. My friends brought him along I was a little tipsy and I liked the way his beard felt, so I invited him to stay and promptly passed out. He was a perfect gentleman. We dated for four months (a good beard can get you places, apparently). He took me out for food, we wore sweatpants a lot, smoked marijuana, he taught me to play some music and we jammed together and we watched the TV show Weeds and had pretty fantastic sex. I met his family for passover and they were fantastic. After a while some cracks started to show. One day I felt homesick and I cried. His overwhelming sympathy consisted of a trip to his local pub and an invitation to stay behind if I felt like it. Another day, I found out my cat had died on my way to a football game with him, and I cried. He repeated the drill by walking a full meter in front of me while I wept and then we went to the game.

At a certain point, I realized I had never really felt fully connected to Ben #1, but I felt comfortable in those sweatpants, and was ever so far from home. I needed it.

My second Ben came after I left to do some travelling and working around the country. I came back to Melbourne a little shell shocked from some deep spiritual digging. I ended up at a party, and was chatted up by one of the coolest-looking Bens I’ve ever met. He was laid back, wore a winter hat even though it was warm. He worked at a cool bar and liked the same cool music I was into. He also made me feel very cool. He sent me a text before the night was over and took me out for dinner later in the week. He saw a photo of me with my mother in my wallet and told me I looked hot as though I should know it, which was not a feeling I was accustomed to, but it was very nice. We made out and he was the best kisser I had ever met until that point. I felt high when he pressed his lips against mine. He swept me off my feet about as swiftly as he ditched me for being “too intense.” Fair enough (a phrase he would exhaust even in the short time we knew one another). Everything felt more intense so far from home. Adolescence has a tendency to be a bit intense and I was on my second round of it.

Young yoga couple meditating during amazing sunset on the ocean

It was at this point that I found a local hot yoga studio and discovered that they were offering a special discount for people insane enough to do it every day for a month, they even let me keep going for two months. I threw myself into hot breathing and stretching on the daily, and also discovered in Melbourne you can see a relationship counsellor on a weekly basis and payment is on a sliding scale. So if you were broke, like I had been, it was free. I recommend this for everyone who takes up a new life overseas. I started to feel functional as a human again and unpacked all of my baggage while not having to burden my friends with my anxious thought.

My counsellor reached out to me after I left Australia for home and told me she had moved on to another facility and told me that her own experiences mirrored some of my own. It was touching to learn that even the people meant to fix you can have their own version of the experiences that have felt so impactful.

A year outside of your comfort zone, meeting your own Bens and having some uncomfortable growing pains can provide cathartic benefits. Taking healthy risks affects our emotional intelligence in a way that is as unique and wonderful as it is terrifying. Go find your Bens and come back and tell me about it. I’ve moved on to other names but would love to hear about yours.

*Names have been changed.

Using Siri Can Get You A Date

I always wondered if Siri could help you get a date…I guess she can!

As crazy as this video may seem, it isn’t fake. Haha, we really had no idea who the people were that we were approaching. We just used a little bit of magic to get their phone number :).


Curated by Erbe
Original Source

Dating Rules for the 21st Century

Does anybody actually date any more? It seems that dating rules may be an outmoded concept, but perhaps they shouldn’t be. Even if the way people meet in the electronic era may be quite different from 50 years ago, people still do meet, hang out and eventually pair up.

In 2012 a national survey published by a CDC affiliate concluded that though “people are marrying for the first time at older ages, and many adults co-habit with a partner”. In 2006–2010, the probability of first marriage by age 25 was still 44% for women ( a decrease of 25% from 1995) and by age 35 the probability of first marriage was 78% , by age 40 there was no significant change.

It would seem obvious that people are still finding love, and most of them still date, hang out or hook-up first.

Since it would seem that more people live together before marriage, and eventually marry (not necessarily the person they lived with, according to the data), does this mean that people are more sophisticated in their dating habits, or just more choosy? The third option is that people are just taking longer to grow up and take on adult responsibilities.

Updating the guidelines for how to meet a partner – and let’s face it, that’s what we are doing, however long it may last – probably has more to do with how we meet that when.

A picture of a romantic couple on a date in Gdansk

In the recent past, probably still in your parents’ generation, most people met through work, friends or family. Someone actually knew the person you met. (Of course there have always been casual hook-ups in bars or at parties, but these encounters were less likely to produce an actual date!). In the electronic age people have a much wider menu of options, in addition to the traditional ones, all of these options still need some navigating, and a road map (or GPS) is always useful.

Many cautionary tales have been written already on being careful how we meet through electronic media, and I won’t re-state them here. In fact, these rules fall into some logical groups:

  • Always find out who you are really speaking to;
  • Meet first in a public place;
  • Be yourself, but be sparing with personal information.

These guidelines actually make logical sense no matter how you meet!

Now that we’ve met, how do we present ourselves? What are the guidelines for behaviour in the modern era? Dating rules for previous generations had people putting on their very best selves, and presenting a persona that probably did not exist at all. I would suggest that this is actually a recipe for failure. As the song lyric goes “be yourself”, not every date turns into a romance, but could be the possibility of a new friendship.

Trying to find out how compatible you are, without sounding like you are interviewing for a mate, can be tricky. Using a tactic from the business world may help here. Active listening, as opposed to just hearing, means paying attention to what the person is saying, and giving gentle prompts, to keep them talking. I am a natural blabbermouth, so I know how hard this can be for some of us. Sure the other party wants to know about you, but dole it out in small doses, they don’t need to know everything on the first date.

It has been said that charismatic personalities have a knack of making the other person feel fascinating, as though they are the only person in the room. They do this largely through making eye contact (not staring, that just creepy!) and paying attention, i.e. Active Listening!

This also means that you learn a lot more about the other person, and they will probably find you fascinating too. Hopefully they will also listen when its your turn, but if they don’t that will give you some valuable insights into their personality as well.

Our parents had rules about how far to “go” on dates. Though this may seem old-fashioned it had it’s merits. Getting to know someone before falling into bed with them has been shown to lead to a better relationship. Introducing sex into the equation too soon may lead to the intimacy taking over. Its not about prudery, but caution. If the sex is mind-blowing, then that’s probably all you will do! ( Many couples have found that when good sex wanes there isn’t anything else.) If the encounter is less than stellar it will probably lead to a quick end to any kind of relationship, and you may lose the opportunity to make a new friend.

Making a new friend may sound like a boring goal for dating, but it has been shown that having friends, of both genders, leads to a happier and more fulfilling life. Keeping the initial dates light and friendly takes the “shopping for a mate” aspect out of the way, and may actually lead to a better experience.

Continuing with that theme, what do you do on a first date? Experts suggest that you meet for coffee, or at best lunch. This places fewer expectations on both parties, and limits the amount of time you spend together. Most people find that you know almost immediately if there is a reason to meet again. Trust your instincts, this is the theory on which Speed-Dating is based. In the business world it is said that you make a decision about a candidate in the first six seconds! That may be extreme, not everyone is a star right out of the gate.

So who pays? Accoring to old-fashioned etiquette, s/he who made the invitation should pay. Of course if you are just meeting for coffee or lunch it probably isn’t a big question. After the first date I would suggest you do what you would do with a friend of the same gender, split the check, or offer to pay – and “you can get it next time”.

As far as continuing the relationship, how about deciding if there is going to be a next time, at the time? I may be naive, but honesty really is the best policy. If you just didn’t hit it off, don’t agree to meet again, and guys, please, drop the “I’ll call you” line if you don’t mean it! A simple , “it was a pleasure to meet you, see you around” should get the message across.


8 Secrets of Sexually Satisfied Couples


What? Put “Have sex” on your calendar? “Absolutely!” say couples happy with their sex lives. Rather than killing the mood with a lack of spontaneity, scheduling sex tends to “take away all the very real excuses I could otherwise use, like that I’m exhausted after working and getting the kids to bed,” says Holly Jenkins,* who has been married for two years and has three boys under the age of 10. “For couples in long-term relationships, planning a romantic interlude leads to a higher-quality, more enjoyable sexual experience,” says Victoria Zdrok Wilson, JD, PhD, who cowrote The 30-Day Sex Solution with her husband, John Wilson. Instead of thinking of calendar sex as unromantic, view it instead as a delicious form of foreplay. Send each other anticipatory texts, plan what you’ll wear (or not), and so on.


This little bit of hardware is essential in a home with children, says Jennifer Flanders, who’s been married 24 years and has 12 children, ranging in age from 11 months to 23 years. She jokes that whenever the family moves to a new home, a new lock on the master bedroom tops the to-do list. Even if you don’t have a physical lock, creating a sense of boundaries is key, says Sacha Mohammed—married 14 years, with 7 children. “I always made sure the children were put to bed on time when they were little so my husband and I could have our time together; the kids were also taught to always knock to announce their presence.” According to Dr. Zdrok Wilson, “each couple needs to evaluate their environment and determine the optimal conditions for great sex.” For some, a lock may be enough to create an adults-only barrier. Others may need to go further to create a sensual, relaxing haven in their bedroom by banning electronic gadgets, computers and TVs, not to mention kids and their toys!


During certain critical periods in a marriage––particularly when you’re new parents––time and energy are both at a premium. Couples who maintain a good sex life during these challenging times have learned to make the quickie something that’s good for both of them. If you’ve avoided speedy sex sessions in the past because it takes time for you to physically get in the mood, don’t underestimate the power of the mind-body connection. Try thinking of a place or time when the sex was amazing, and use it like a meditation, taking yourself back there in your mind, says Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill, marriage and family therapist and author of A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage. And “don’t be afraid of fantasizing,” she adds, because if you can figure out how to use 20 minutes to your advantage, you can avoid dry spells in your sex life.

Man Waiting In Bed


“Be open to different ways of expressing yourself sexually,” says Jenkins. “As with music, people tend to like a mix of the predictable and unexpected.” You have to find the right balance between being adventurous and being conventional: Don’t be so conventional that it’s boring. But don’t be so adventurous that you lose your intimacy–or level of comfort. This could mean everything from positions to the overall attitude you bring to the intimate encounter. Sexual ruts––always doing it on a certain day, at a certain time, in a certain room––can breed boredom. Something as simple as mixing it up on the living room floor or in the shower can add some much-needed spice. Or get out of the house entirely. “Many couples report that they have the best sex when they’re not at home,” says Dr. Zdrok Wilson. “I call it ‘the dirty little motel’ syndrome.” And it doesn’t have to be limited to when you’re on vacation—hire a babysitter or drop the kids off at their grandparents’ house every once in a while so the two of you can book a room even if it’s only for a couple of hours.


Mohammed says that “excellent communication skills” is the top reason she and her husband continue to enjoy a satisfying sex life. “Before we got married, my husband told me we would talk about everything, and he meant it,” she says. There’s no other way to understand what your partner wants, needs or enjoys other than talking. And don’t make assumptions: You may be surprised to learn that what you thought was foolproof doesn’t really float his boat anymore, says Gilchrest O’Neill. “Save those conversations for when you’re not having sex, though in the actual moment, speak up about small adjustments your partner can make to increase enjoyment.”


“Many of the excuses other couples use to avoid sex––like headaches, stress, tiredness or arguments––are some of the exact same reasons we choose to make sex a priority,” says Flanders. “Sex relieves pain, reduces stress, promotes better sleep and motivates us to settle our disagreements quickly.” Beware of letting excuses take on a life of their own, because, to use one example, the kids aren’t needy babies forever, and before you know it sex is so far on the back burner it’s fallen completely off the stove. “Brainstorm solutions to the things that get in the way of having sex,” suggests Gilchrest O’Neill. Tired? Go to bed earlier. Not enough time? Get creative with the hours or minutes you do have. However, if the root of your excuses isn’t fixable with practical changes (for example, if there are underlying problems or resentments), consider seeing a therapist.


Jenkins cites her and her husband’s adventurous sex life, but is quick to add that for adventurousness to exist, it has to be preceded by trust. “Great sex is a reflection of the overall rapport and communication you have in other rooms of the house. To have trust with your spouse, you have to always try to build each other up outside the bedroom. If you say or do something critical or disrespectful to your partner during the day, why would he want to be naked and try something new with you later that evening?” she asks. Trust, comfort and ease with each other happens when you engage in active listening, says Dr. Zdrok Wilson. “You have to work on listening to your partner in an active, empathetic way and reciprocate by confiding in him, and baring your own feelings,” she says. Once you two feel like allies—not adversaries—your sex life will feel more honest and, hopefully, a lot hotter!


“We still take pride in how we look for each other,” says Mohammed. Certainly staying in shape and paying attention to appearance helps you and your partner maintain the mood. But it’s not just about pleasing your partner’s eye; taking care of yourself makes you feel good about yourself. Not only that, but your libido is dependent on your overall health. “When you feel unhealthy, tired, ill or lacking in energy, you’re not likely to be motivated to engage in regular sexual activity,” says Dr. Zdrok Wilson. So, hit the gym, put on some makeup or dress up even if you’re not going anywhere. Do whatever makes you feel sexy and he’s guaranteed to notice.


Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Love at First Sight May Actually Be True

The love of your life may be near you. All you have to do is look.

Love at first sight has often been considered a myth or a joke, even though many Americans believe in it. The 2014 Singles in America survey found that 59 percent of men and 49 percent of women believe in love at first sight. More than that, 41 percent of men and 29 percent of women say they have experienced it.

But it’s not just make believe. Experts told The Wall Street Journal this week that love at first sight is real and that humans are hardwired to experience it.

“Scientists say we are genetically wired for the possibility of love at first sight, but why it happens to some people and not others is largely a matter of timing and self-assurance,” WSJ’s Elizabeth Bernstein wrote.

Dr. Arthur Aron of Stony Brook University told Bernstein that people can fall in love instantly when there’s a willingness to open up and fall for another person. People also fall in love when they feel safe around someone and they feel commitment (which can happen on a first date, or down the road), Aron told WSJ.

“One day the person smiled at them, and at that moment they fell in love because it was perceived as safe,” Aron told WSJ. “You may be more likely to fall in love quickly if you are ready.”

When these feelings are strong enough, romantic love — one of our three emotional systems that encourages us to mate — triggers dopamine to release in the brain, which activates our reward system and makes us even more interested in the person we desire, Bernstein wrote. This essentially creates love at first sight.

Still, there’s little research about love at first sight to fully prove its existence, so experts advise caution. Elliot D. Cohen, Ph.D., wrote for Psychology Today that true love requires work, and that people shouldn’t act on their gut alone when falling for someone.

Youth Lifestyle, Summer Vacations, Dating, Love, Happiness Conce

“Indeed, love takes time to cultivate, and in love at first acquaintance there is simply not enough time for any of the activities of loving to be brought to fruition,” Cohen wrote.

Cohen said the phrase “love at first sight” should be replaced with “falling in love at first acquaintance” since it’s more about your brain falling for the person you meet, rather than you being consumed by everlasting love at just a glance.

“Of course, things may change. After all, people do fall in and out of love; and obviously some people confuse mere sexual attraction with love and never really fall in love,” Cohen wrote. “But loving, as an intimate human activity of deep caring does have a beginning, and it can begin at first acquaintance as well as on the second or the third, and even several years down the road.”

Curated by Erbe
Original Article