By Susanna Lee
I love sexting. Honestly, no sarcasm, I absolutely love it. Nothing happening on my phone makes me nearly as happy as getting some late night sexts from someone I love. Ah, who am I kidding? I love sexting anytime, day or night. If sexts were food, I’d eat them until my stomach burst. If sexts were a pair of jeans, I’d wear them until they fell apart at the seams. If sexts were a…well, I can’t think of another cute analogy, but I think you get the idea. Those naughty little things make me tingle, and let me know that I’m on your mind in a very specific way, even when I’m not right in front of your face. They convey desire, and we all like the feeling of being wanted. Maybe its willful ignorance, but I just can’t understand why everyone doesn’t love them.
One of my closest friends hates sexting, so I asked why. She said “It’s just creepy.” To which I asked, “Even with someone you’re seeing? How is it creepy to say sexy things to someone whose genitals you’ve had in your mouth?” Then she got honest and to the heart of the matter, “Okay, fine, maybe it’s not creepy, per se, but I’m just not good at it and I don’t want to look like a moron. I mean what if I say something dumb, and he shows his friends?” And there it is. There’s a difference between really disliking something, and just shying away from it out of fear of novice status embarrassment. Sexting is like any other skill set, it takes dedication and practice to master. I want to help you find more confidence in your sexting game, so you can relax and really enjoy it, and I’ve put together a few cheat codes to take some of the time off your learning curve. The visual aids are re-creations of my own most glorious sexting mishaps, to illustrate the points made.
1. Warning shot before beaver shot! Always, and I mean ALWAYS, send a words-only text first, in order to gauge the appropriateness of your lover’s situation before sending out those rockin’ tits. I’m not saying don’t send a hot shot to someone at Sunday mass (in fact, I would encourage it), but you don’t want to send a sexy surprise to someone who’s in the middle of getting fired. Or just had an accident, or at a funeral, etc… Avoid creating a negative association. You don’t want your lover to think about getting rear ended by someone without insurance every time he or she sees your hot ass.
2. K.I.S.S. Keep it sexy, silly! You wouldn’t interrupt in-the-flesh sex to ask about dinner with your parents on Thursday, don’t do it via sext either. Finish what you’ve started, then worry about stuff that happens fully clothed. Also involved in keeping things hot is the language you choose to use. A little babytalk, uttered in a sexy voice with some bats of the eyelashes may be your thing in the actual bedroom, but tone does not transfer to text. In text, your widdle, teeny puss-puss is a big, giant bonerkiller (as that specific phrase would be in real life, too, I just couldn’t think of another because I’m not a babytalker). If you don’t like the words commonly used for body parts, do a tiny bit of research and find ones you can use without cringing. Watch kink, read erotica, even Google it, but use adult words for adult things. Also, don’t put pressure on yourself to reinvent the wheel with sexting. You don’t have to say something to them that no one’s ever said before; they aren’t grading you, or judging you on your originality, so relax, and keep the mood more Barry White than Buffalo Bill. Also, allow for typos, no one wants to sext with a spelling/grammar diva. Give your sweetheart a break, it’s very challenging to text with one hand and not much blood going to the brain.
3. Brevity is the soul of slit. Send short enough texts that they can be read without extensive scrolling, or being broken up into multiple clumps. We all know that iPhone to Android (and vice versa) texts won’t be one smooth message bubble, and sometimes they arrive out of order. That builds frustration, not heat.
4. Patience, Grasshopper… After you send that pic, allow time for the recipient to *fully appreciate* it. There is a definite vulnerability that comes along with sexting, so it’s easy to freak out and imagine the worst when you send a for-your-eyes-only pic and don’t immediately hear back. The minutes feel like hours, and the imagination can be quick to turn your sweet beloved into a villain out to do no good, forwarding your nudie pic to everyone in their phone. They aren’t. They are looking at your picture while they do things to themselves that they wish you were there to do. Bigger picture advice though: Don’t sext (or sex) someone you don’t trust.
5. Check your recipient, check again, and then, check again, again. No explanation needed.
All tips aside, here’s the bottom line: In sexting, as with tactile sex, the hottest thing you can do is enjoy yourself without inhibition. Your partner does not care about perfection, I promise. They aren’t focused on your typos. So stop worrying, put on your big-girl panties (or take them off, rather) and hit send.