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Selfie Love

by Jo Millerin LOVE4 Comments on Selfie Love

Why the most important relationship is the one you have with your SELF.

“You wander from room to room, hunting for the diamond necklace that is already around your neck”. – Rumi

Rumi was such a clever chap, and I like how this quote personifies how we so often look for love “out there” in the world, only to discover, it’s been “inside here” all along.

When we don’t fully accept our true Self (“SELFie Love”), we feel incomplete in some way, undeserving, unworthy, unfulfilled and suffer from “not enough-ness”.  The things we don’t like about ourselves are our holes that we set about filling in with relationships that make us feel better about our self-perceived flaws. Without realizing it, we blindly go out into the world bearing a “Fix Me” sign, on a quest for the missing piece that will make us feel complete.  Once found, we like to think we’ll find happiness, fulfillment, and love. The caveat is, that we inevitably attract relationships that recognize our incompleteness and present themselves as our missing puzzle piece.  In exchange, they’ll expect the same from us; that we will serve to be their means of completion.

“I can work with that”, you say to yourself.  “They fix me, I fix them, and everyone wins”!  If this scenario sounds familiar, ask yourself how it’s working out for you?  Do you have a track record of helping others to be their best, yet somehow come up short when it comes to your own fulfillment?  Is there a pattern of love relationships that start out as champagne and rapture, but end in cheap beer and heartache?  Do you travel from Wow to Woe post honeymoon phase, arriving bewildered at the destination of “what’s missing, why did he/she change, why does this always happen to me?”  And perhaps in a state of perplexed denial, you lay the blame at the feet of your partner, often making it their problem and responsibility to “fix” it again.  We get frustrated when we sense the missing piece is being withheld from us, so we deliver demands and the misery ensues until finally we, or they arrive at the conclusion that once again, we’ve misjudged, made a mistake and we call it quits.  Rinse, repeat.

I must confess, I am a former “not enough-ness” sufferer.  My story was nothing unusual.  I was raised on a healthy diet of fear and trust no one.  I often felt like I was a glass half-full, living in a glass half-empty world.  In my quest for role models, sameness and connection, I invariably missed the mark and found myself instead on the comfortable path of the devil I knew.

Dwelling in the business of pleasing others and not myself eventually got old.  I grew tired of feeling ridiculous as another rug beneath me was yanked, and the weight of being responsible for the happiness of others was suffocating my own joy.  When the lessons got harder and the pain hurt deeper I stopped asking myself “why” and started asking “WTF?”  What was it exactly I felt I lacked and sought to find in others?

With gentle compassion and warrior-esque grit, I declared “game over” and patiently retraced the breadcrumb trail of lessons all the way down to my soul, who welcomed me home with unconditional love.  Once the SELFie key unlocks your buried treasure, the epiphany is transcending.  The sparkle shines so brightly you’ll find it illuminates the entire pattern of behavior that’s been sabotaging your bliss.  Accepting the “new and improved” you is like winning the “enough-ness” lottery.  The brandished golden ticket is the discovery that you are your own missing piece to your own magnificent puzzle. You are finally enough just as you are.

Although I was a little late to this party, (incidentally – it’s never EVER too late) this epiphany changed my life.  From the moment I turned the key; that “I“ was my own missing puzzle piece, everything shifted.

When you find love within your Self, that’s when the world sees the real deal and you attract someone who lives from that same enough-ness place as yourself.  When these two souls are aligned the LOVE is cosmic.  Based on attraction, not neediness, each person complete independently, and elevated when shared together.  I call it “Blississsippi” or the “Mother Lode Love Lottery”.

Imagine the change we would see in the world if more of us believed we were enough.  To see change in the outside world, we first have to change our inside world.  You are entirely up to you.

Love you xo.

Keeping it Fresh in a Committed Relationship

by MONROKin LOVE

Relationships are like plants. They have to be nurtured, or they will die. It is easy to go from passionate lovers to random roommates if you don’t keep a watch on things. You get busy, you don’t prioritize the other person, and pretty soon you barely know one another. Here are 5 things you can do with your partner to ensure you are still a team and connected to each other.

Laugh Together

Find a show or a comedian that you both enjoy and can enjoy together. It is important to share humorous moments in life, it’s a specific kind of bond. Plus, quoting shows to one another is so much fun! If you are busy people, designate a specific night or time of the week to this. No cancellations, take it seriously. My husband and I enjoy Bravo’s “Millionaire Matchmaker” (I know!)

Don’t Yell

When having a disagreement, it is easy to let things escalate until the situation becomes a full blown war. Try your best to speak in a calm, and respectful tone even if you are upset or seriously enraged. I know, THIS IS REALLY HARD, but it can be done. Trust me, it is better for your relationship. You have to set the bar for how you are going to speak to one another, and it is important not to cross the line. Basically, don’t call your partner a piece of shit for waking you up from a nap (referring to a friend, of course).

Do STUFF

Even if you aren’t in the mood for actual sex, do other stuff. Get involved. Be careful not to let weeks or months go by without any sexual activity; remember habits can be formed overnight and can take ages to break. Once I was “not in the mood,” and one day turned into one week, one week turned into one month, and pretty soon I was in a sexless and coincidentally loveless relationship wondering where all the passion went. So keep it up. Even when you don’t feel like it, once you start you will get into it. Sexual activity has to be maintained just like your nails, or gym routine. Don’t slack off in this essential department.

TALK

It is shocking to me how some people manage to live with someone without having any real conversations. Every evening I turn off the TV, get off my computer, put away my phone, open a bottle of wine, and TALK to my husband (for at least one hour) to reconnect. I don’t mean talk about the weather, or what you have to do that week, or when the kids have to be picked up, I mean TALK ABOUT THINGS. Talk about your opinions, what you think about the current state of affairs, what your common goals are, what you see your life to be years down the line. Your feelings, what you feel one another could work on, be better at etc. (in a constructive manner) It is the only way to evolve as a couple. The alternative is growing apart.

“I love you.”

I know this sounds cheesy, but you can’t stop saying it. I say it when I get off the phone, I write sweet things and leave them on post it notes, I just find a way to say it, EVERY DAY. It is important to relay the message “hey, I love you and I appreciate everything you do.” You can even say those exact words. Remember when you first started dating? How obsessed were you with waiting to hear those words? …and when it happened? OMYGOD. BEST. FEELING. EVER. So why should we let that die? Staying in love over time is hard enough as it is, and it’s even harder if you stop saying it.

Finding Yourself In the FriendZone

by Virginia Jonesin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

“I was in a room with Mad Men’s Jon Hamm.  He is incredibly handsome and caught me looking at him…”

Welcome To The Friendzone!

It sounds like way more fun than it is.  It sounds like there will be a waterslide.  There is no waterslide, just hurt feelings between people of all genders and sexual orientations.

The nicest definition of the Friendzone is: two people meet.  One person is interested in the other person romantically.  The other person is not interested that way, but says they want to be friends.

Sometimes that person doesn’t really want to be friends, but it seems easier to say that than to make up a boyfriend or to say “I have no space for you in my life, and I’m not going to return your texts.”

Sometimes two people will go on a few dates before one person will say “I like you as a friend”, or “but we’ve become such good friends.”  Women are trained to be polite and deferential to men, and not to say things like “I just flat out don’t find you attractive.”  Also, women are worried that if we are crystal clear that we are not interested in sex, men will stop talking to us, because we are only worthy as a sexual partner/conquest/etc.

This is one of the hardest things about being a person with feelings: sometimes those feelings are not reciprocated.  This happens to everyone, even Johnny Depp and Ariana Grande.  Everyone.  Everyone you know has liked someone who did not like them back.  President Obama.  Channing Tatum.  That lady on Instagram who is famous for her butt.  Everyone.

Sometimes men, especially men new to dating, will complain vociferously about being Friendzoned.  It doesn’t sound so bad, except when you start peeling the first onion layer you find a really misogynist onion.

Fallacies of Friendzoning-First Men, Then Women:

I met someone I am attracted to.  There’s a fifty-fifty shot that she’ll choose me. 

It’s actually a lot lower than that.  If women slept with everyone who wanted to sleep with us, not only would it be unpleasant, but we’d never get anything else done, like laundry or higher education.  The Friendzone is the default zone.  Almost everyone goes there.  It’s not so bad.  We like you, we value your company.  We just don’t want to date you.

There’s something I could have done or said that would have kept me out of the Friendzone.

I’ve heard several versions of this- if a man didn’t act dominant or aggressive enough, a woman would stop thinking of him as a romantic partner.  This happens with snakes and prey- if you drop a mouse into a cage with a snake who’s just eaten, the snake will get used to the mouse, and just cohabitate with it and will never get around to eating it.

This attitude heaps guilt and more anger on the rejected party.  Probably there wasn’t anything you could have done.  You’re just not the guy she likes.  Science says it might be as much smell as anything, so it doesn’t matter what bands you put on a Spotify mix for her or whether you were wearing your nicest Scarface shirt that day.  If it makes you feel better to think you could have done something different, maybe try that approach next time, but if the chemistry doesn’t go both ways, you’re gonna be right back in the Friendzone.

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Television Skewed My Perceptions of Love and Courtship

by Robin Tranin LOVE

” I wrote long love letters and emails (I’m talking like thousand-word essays) to any girl who was willing to say “hi!” 

There were several television programs that distorted my views on love for the majority of my life.  Seemingly harmless shows like “Boy Meets World,” “Doug,” and “Family Matters” featured protagonists who were “nice guys” pining for the girls of their dreams.  Living in my own little fantasy world, I modeled my life after Steve Urkel, the breakout star of “Family Matters,” in his crusade for Laura Winslow’s affections because I thought his love for her was pure and romantic.  I had no idea how creepy Urkel’s character was at the time.  Subsequently, absorbing the themes of this television show turned me into a borderline stalker to several women without even realizing it.

These shows made me feel entitled, like I deserved for my feelings to be reciprocated just because I had spent time and energy pursuing my love interests.  It was all about my feelings, and their wants and needs were the least of my worries.  For example, Steve Urkel would perform grandiose acts such as climbing up a tree outside of Laura’s window to serenade her while she was trying to sleep.  He’d dress up like cupid and shoot arrows at her on Valentine’s Day, much to her dismay.  There’s an episode where he literally asks her out for the thousandth time, and other than slight annoyance from Laura, this is represented as an admirable–and even endearing–act.  His persistence was seen as quirky and cute, and in the end, the show represents Urkel to be an underdog.  Laura’s “no” was cast aside, and he literally couldn’t take “no” for an answer.  But that didn’t matter.  The audience loved him.  I loved him.  I cheered him on along with most of America.

The worst part of the whole “Family Matters” saga is that after years of stalking and annoying Laura, the two actually end up together.  She is his reward for hanging in there for so long.  Steve Urkel “getting the girl” in the end did so much damage to my perception of romance.

I took cues from this show when I began developing crushes in school by attempting to replicate these grand gestures to show my romantic pursuits how much I liked them.  I’d buy gifts for girls who were basically strangers and stare at them in class to let them know I was interested.  If they looked uncomfortable, I didn’t care.  I was persistent just like television taught me.

A lot of shows–whether intentionally or unintentionally–encouraged this behavior.  The program “Doug,” a cartoon created for children, featured Doug Funnie having the hugest crush on Patty Mayonnaise, and he would continuously back down from telling her about his feelings, and this caused him great distress.  To me, it also served as a cautionary tale: don’t ever let your feelings go unspoken.  Doug never let Patty know about his feelings for her, and that was represented as a mistake.

“That will never be me!” I thought.  As a result, I “went for it” every time I had a crush and always made my feelings known.  I wrote long love letters and emails (I’m talking like thousand-word essays) to any girl who was willing to say “hi” to me once or flash me a smile in passing.  In hindsight, these are incredibly shameful and embarrassing actions.  I creeped out many girls, and I wish I hadn’t done these things.

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Why He Smells So Good to You

by Lorraine Rockin LOVE

I once fell in love with a guy because I loved the way he smelled. He wore Eau Savage by Dior, and it made me swoon. It never had that effect on me when worn by anyone else, just Ben. He was a fellow journalist, and we really liked each other in other ways, but it was his smell that really turned me on.

Scientists have said that the sense of smell is overlooked in romantic encounters, mostly because we don’t notice it. Pheromones are ridiculously important in the animal kingdom, but apart from being clean, and putting on deodorant and perfume we humans don’t think of it much.

In fact, if we are too clean, and wear too much perfume, we may be confusing our olfactory (smelling) senses and confusing our romantic brains. It is said that the Emperor Napoleon would send a message to his lady love Josephine, telling her not to bathe, because he was on his way home from War! Now we probably wouldn’t want to go that far, but should we perhaps lay off on the deodorant a bit?

Some research even suggests that we may even pick our “soul mate” by subconsciously reacting to pheromones that transmit their genetic compatibility. A research study which had women smelling a variety of white tee-shirts worn by unknown males discovered that women consistently preferred the odors of tee-shirts that had been worn by strangers who were genetically compatible with them … and were actually turned off by those who were genetically incompatible. What’s more, the odors they preferred reminded them of their boyfriends.

Scientists are discovering that the hypothalamus plays a critical role in receiving pheromones through the vomeronasal organ (VNO) in the nose, and then triggering an emotion or response.

Until recently, the VNO was assumed to be an important organ in animals, but a vestigial organ—leftover from primitive times and no longer needed or functional—in humans. But in 1994, Dr. David Berliner and his colleagues at the University of Utah discovered that their 400 human subjects did indeed have a VNO, which, as in animals, detected pheromones and sent messages to the hypothalamus, which is linked to the limbic system.

The limbic system, your “primitive brain”, drives your more basic, less complicated impulses – emotional connections, your awareness of the environment and how you interact in it, the “fight or flight” response…your sexual behavior.

So should we all stop bathing and using deodorant? Probably not, but perhaps we should be aware that our own clean natural scent is the best thing to “wear” when getting close to the ones we love, Eau Sauvage notwithstanding!

Modern Marriage Part 1: Why I Eloped

by Alexandra Norrisin LOVE

Don’t freak out or anything. But I have some news. I got married. And to tell you the truth, not much has changed.

We are all living in a new world now. Priorities are shifting. Spending $30k to feel like a rich princess for a day in what is effectively a quinceanera for grownups, may not be your bag, and it wasn’t ours either.

Most of our close friends are spread across various cities, states and other countries; and the idea of something very private between us made public, rendered by my boyfriend extremely uncomfortable. While I am a little more comfortable with receiving attention, I would rather spend that time and money going out to visit them; or hosting them when it’s convenient for them and we can spend time together individually.

Here’s the other thing; eloping is fun. It is easy. And most importantly, it is about the two people getting married. There is no other time in a relationship when other people are invited in; no funeral for the end of one, no party for electing to stay single. No one cares about your anniversaries. When you elope, you get to do things the way you want to, on your own terms, without having to worry about keeping other people happy.

For us, as an international couple in our early 30s; in a relationship for nearly two years, and living together for half of that time, being married allows us to start making long term plans. I can actually start seeing myself staying with him long term and developing our lives together in one place like real grown ups.

A wedding wasn’t our focus, it was simply solidifying our existence as a team. I like to compare it to signing the mortgage on our love. The event itself was an afterthought; a whim, really. Something we discussed in pragmatic terms for some time and when the stars aligned, we went for it. We were never officially engaged, and ‘fiance’ was a term I never coveted nor used. In the weeks leading up to our shotgun love mortgage, I contacted close friends and family to invite them down, but when I saw my husband-to-be’s visible discomfort with any form of attention, I reeled it back in.

Once we get settled, we do plan on having a party with close friends and some family, maybe even several of them, in different places, as a kind of honeymoon/reception double feature. With a healthy distance between being married this sounds like our kind of adventure. One where any feelings of pressure surrounding being put on display, or entertaining others with our private feelings and plans together, grow rapidly smaller in our rear-view.

On our wedding day, my boyfriend brought his father who was visiting from out of town. I brought my friend to officiate and double as my emotional touchstone. We spoke to our other close ones on the phone.

My mother was ready to hop on a plane, but wouldn’t make it in time. I really wanted her to be there, but she has always been one to offer immediate and unflinching support, without holding on too tightly. I’ve always been a wanderlust out on some other part of the world as soon as I could get my hands on it, and she knew this was on the horizon for us, so this was no surprise and we were okay.  My recently estranged brother was crestfallen not to be there, but took the opportunity to break his silence with some very kind things that opened up our relationship in a lovely way.

My mother-in-law to be, however, made her objections known over the phone. I can imagine this sort of thing is hard for a lot of family members, and especially a mother, protective of her son.  She and I have very different ideas about marriage, which I completely understood. She kindly, firmly and respectfully filibustered our plan over the phone. As soon as he caught wind of this, my future father in law swiftly instructed his son to get me off the phone and be there for me while he started the car.

The sincere care I heard for both of us (though, obviously mostly for him) came through amidst her reservations, and the warmth and eager support I received immediately from his father solidified a profound love and appreciation for a family I barely knew. I saw a lot of my husband in him. As I sat in the back seat of the car heading to the chapel,  I watched them both for a moment and took in how fortunate I was to be in their company.

We arrived at the very friendly little chapel, expecting to sign the papers and be on our way, when they happened to have a room open up at the end of the day. I think it might have helped that they liked us, as they let us go inside and make up our own ceremony. It was silly and fun and just for us.

In the aftermath, despite being alternately nervous about taking the leap, and dismissive of the whole idea of traditional marriage, I have been pleasantly surprised with how relaxed things have felt since we pulled the trigger. It feels like a weight’s been lifted and married life is actually a lot fun so far. That honeymoon period is real, y’all.

One thing that I’ve found interesting, has been how much everyone else freaks out about it all; both eloping and our marriage in general. It’s like there is something in us that needs to explode a little bit  and let that Bridget Jones out of her diary for a second, and I sympathize. I get excited for my friends when they are excited about their love.  We have all been encouraged to get excited about the pomp and circumstance of it all, practically since birth.

I love sentiment and I do like jewelry; but tradition isn’t the right fit for us. I don’t like the idea of having a dress I will never wear again collecting space in my closet. The idea of an overpriced rock on my hand to mark someone’s claim on me isn’t appealing either.

With that said, I will most definitely accept a ring, or a necklace, or earrings (wait no, I’ll probably lose those, maybe a bracelet) just for the hell of it. My grandmother instilled this in me with her very glamourous collection of baubles. As wonderful and beautiful as those things are, however, we don’t have that kind of money right now. The way he routinely plugs my phone in for me when I forget, or how he kisses my head before he leaves for work early in the morning while I sleep, are the kinds of things that squeeze my heart more than trying to get him to fit into a box of things he is prescribed to do.

Here is our To Do list, while we chip away at our hefty collection of debt and pull ourselves into an improved financial situation:

  • Adopt a dog and a cat to grow up together (his idea, I’m fine with it)
  • Sell our cars and get one slightly shinier one to share (my idea, he is fine with it)
  • Find an affordable apartment of our own, with enough space for our friends or parents to visit (an idea we share equally); ideally with a room that can also double as our solitude from each other’s farts– or an office…

Even if we wanted it, traditional stuff doesn’t have much room to fit on that list.

In another relationship, at another time in my life, with a different person, perhaps all of this would be different. Perhaps an extravagant affair or someone I call “fiance” for a year would make sense. As we have grown together, I have learned that anniversaries, birthdays and other forced gift-events are not going to work for us. But, every month he dutifully budgets taking me out to whatever new restaurant he’s discovered which has at least four stars and 200 yelp reviews, and to every single movie theatre in a 15 mile radius, as long as we can get there before the trailers start. That is what works for us, and I am kind of proud of that.

What is your idea of a modern wedding?

Fascinated with Celebrity Relationships?

by Riley Silvermanin LOVE

I’ve never been one to care much about celebrity gossip. It turns reading entertainment magazines and websites into a bit of a minefield because while you think you’re just reading an article on the new season of Fargo, you’re always just two clicks away from finding out about the most scandalous torrid affair ever of the week. Sometimes the articles are even true!

But as arrogantly as I may scoff at these types of stories, I am not as immune to them as I like to tell myself that I am. Which brings us to Jon Hamm and Jennifer Westfeldt. As a queer girl just entering into adulthood in 2001, I was first made aware of Westfeldt through her almost-lesbian film Kissing Jessica Stein. As Mad Men became a thing and Jon Hamm likewise, one of the things I always liked about him was his long-term relationship with Westfeldt. I felt this way despite having honestly no idea what either of them are like as people outside of charming interviews and podcast appearances. Yet their breakup bummed me out.

Less than a week after that, the internet was abuzz about another celebrity breakup. At first glance it was seemingly a much less significant news story. I’m talking of course about Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy’s breakup, along with the big news that Kermit might have entered into a new relationship. That’s a real sentence I just typed out with words. This story was obviously manufactured as part of a marketing plan for the new The Muppets TV series, and thus was silly fun. We all had a good laugh sharing the story.

Was it such a joke of a story though? The fictional romance between the frog and the pig seemed to be as important to a lot of people as the breakup of the indie darling and the Emmy winner. It landed on the same trending topics pages, it spawned its own legitimate think pieces that deconstructed the very nature of Piggy and Kermit’s relationship to begin with. For a joke, it sure seemed to mimic the process when it is being taken serious.

So the question is, why do any of these stories matter to us? Whether it’s a couple of Muppets or real flesh and blood famous people, there’s some strange connection we make to the relationships of celebrities. We follow the stories as if they were plotlines on our favorite show. We crack jokes about them, make hashtags, pick teams. The advent of social media has only made this type of obsession more and more a casual aspect of our lives.

This technology is new; however, maybe the motivations behind it are anything but. American culture has no aristocracy built into its official hierarchy, and while there are economic class distinctions, the cultural elite don’t seem to directly fall across those lines. Aside from a few outliers like Bill Gates, most people can’t name a lot of major business owners, but almost everyone can rattle off the names of their favorite celebrities. Our curiosity for celebrity gossip may in fact be the same curiosity that the people of England had about what was going on with King Henry and Anne Boleyn in the 1530’s.

Celebrity gossip takes people we see as larger than life figures and makes them relatable to us. Not unlike connecting with a character in a good book, we connect with their stories and find little bits of our own selves in them. By chatting about their lives, talking with friends about them, posting tweets about them, we feel a little bit of kinship with them. Since we put them on a pedestal, this kinship means we put ourselves a little bit on one too.

Maybe this vicarious living through those we have deemed the elites also give us the ability to talk about other peoples lives in a way that makes us feel safe. Most of us are as likely to run into Jon Hamm as we are Kermit, so we don’t really risk much when we talk about either of them. It can be a way for us to vent the frustrations or anxieties we might have about our own love lives, or find things to compare them to, without feeling like we’re ultimately going to hurt anyone else.

Whatever the reason, celebrity gossip is a thriving industry and it doesn’t seem to be showing any signs of going anywhere soon.

What is your take on our fascination with Celebrity relationships?

Marry the Man that Asks

by MONROKin LOVE

A comedian friend of mine by the name of Paul Danke, once gave me some very sound advice “Marry the man that asks you to marry him, because the men that want to get married, GET MARRIED.”

As modern day women, independent, self sufficient, and sometimes downright arrogant, we can forget that it takes two people to be in a relationship. We often feel that we are the masters of our own universe, and that our dream guy is just going to fall out of the sky because we “manifested” it. We fail to realize that we can’t actually get married unless someone asks us to be his wife. Yes, feminism aside, the power ultimately still lies with men. We can decline, but they have to ask, and cough up 3 months salary in jewelry.

The problem is, there are only a certain number of men around that are willing to do that. We can date guys, fall in love, break up, have passionate romances, but only a few of those men are ready enough to be adults and step up to the plate. Rejecting them can be a dangerous game.

What is the #1 reason we reject people? Because we think we can do better. Taller, more handsome, better job, different family, bigger penis, whatever. We can dream up an endless list of the things we would like to have. I always thought I was going to marry a French diplomat that loved female stand up comedians. I married an Egyptian talk show host that grew up in New Jersey. AND HE IS JUST GREAT.

The reason so many of us are single is because we are delusional about our own self worth. We think we deserve the world, but what we really deserve is standing right in front of us. It’s what we’ve attracted. It’s the universe presenting us with a gift. Do we open it or regift it to someone else?

Nothing can stop a man that wants to get married and have a family life. They aren’t afraid to take the plunge. Who does that leave behind? Divorcees, commitment-phobes, lifetime party boys, basically not anyone that was on your “list.” These guys can be a lot of fun, but do not be fooled — expect nothing from the guy who cancels plans last minute because they “have a buddy in town.”

“Marry the man that asks you” is basically saying “Marry the man that loves you the most” aka is willing to spend the rest of his life dealing with your mood swings, unprovoked fury and (often psychological) criticisms in an effort to be with you. I’ve often been asked what my “type” is. I don’t have a “type.” My type is anyone that likes me; guys that aren’t into me are a turnoff, because I like myself. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life chasing someone that feels he is “out of my league.”

It’s hard out there. With Tinder and the myriad of online dating services, it’s easy to feel like the possibilities are endless. It’s a false illusion. Sure, there’s always a penis around the corner, but it doesn’t have a ring on it.

Loved and Learned Rather than Loved and Lost

by Jo Millerin LOVE2 Comments on Loved and Learned Rather than Loved and Lost

Here’s what I learned about gratitude and pain during the worst variety of heartache…

Pain + Gratitude = Less Pain.  Less Pain + Gratitude = A Thirst For More Gratitude.

I like to think that gratitude is the currency of the Cosmos.  The more I spend the richer I become.  Like everything else, being thankful is a choice, just as in choosing love over fear, or happiness over crappiness.  Consciously choosing to dwell in gratitude simply makes me feel I’m closer to the source of the Universal gift dispensary.

This perspective sounds totally do-able when the road is paved with sunshine and smiles, but when the Darth Vader of heartache pays you a visit and bad things happen to good people, suddenly the “do-able” seems bloody impossible.  Here’s what I learned about gratitude and pain during the worst variety of heartache; Divorce.

Rather than fight the sadness, the fear, the resentment, the embarrassment with a fake smile and my genetic British upper lip bravado, I chose to commit to my grieving seriously.  I fully belly flopped into my feelings and gave myself permission to fall apart like a total pro.  Intuitively I knew that unleashing the hounds of pain, anger, disappointment, ridicule, and mountains of crap-ola I had put up with, was the massive exhale that my soul was starving for, after all those years of holding it’s breath.

Thank you for failing.

When you’re faced with good, bad, and ugly, it’s often tricky focusing on the good.  We get so tempted to dwell in the darkness, the pity, the punishing shoulda, coulda woulda’s that we forget to simply congratulate ourselves on being human and that   “failing” is actually critical to succeeding.  My bad and ugly were frightening and painful, but my good was the prize that made it all worthwhile.  My own happiness was not the only one at stake.  I had a child and we both deserved gold.

Thank you “Golden Boy”.

During much of my marriage, I often felt like the passenger in the movie “Speed”, with the work of a madman at the gas pedal.  Even though you may not be in control of your breakup, you are in complete control of how to proceed from here on out.  Knowing that you can get off the bus without knowing what is going to happen next is both terrifying and spectacularly thrilling.

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Trying to Flirt on Facebook

by Robin Tranin DATING ADVICE

I cringe when I see someone publicly trying to flirt on Facebook and failing because it reminds me of me.  

I’ve noticed that the most common technique is one I utilized for years, the “I’m kidding…unless YOU’RE not…” approach, where someone makes a flirtatious overture under the guise of it being a “joke” to soften the blow of potential rejection, but also opens up the possibility of moving forward if the response to the “joke” is positive.  I get so embarrassed when I see this tactic because I look back and realize how transparent I was for years while thinking I was so slick, smooth, and suave.

A few weeks ago, one of my friends posted a status that said, “I dropped my iPhone and now it won’t turn on, can somebody help?” and inevitably, a poor sap commented, “I can show you how to turn YOU on, haha….”  The comment went unliked, unresponded to, and sat there like a Facebook sore thumb.

I’ve made similar inappropriate comments publicly so many times, and my friends have asked why I did this so frequently given how empathetic I seem nowadays and how I’m currently in a loving long-term relationship.

The main reason I used this approach was because I always thought women were oblivious and did not know how to take hints.  When my advances went unanswered, I’d think, “How could she be so unaware that I’m flirting?  I guess this means I need to be more obvious next time.”  Many movies and television shows had a trope where several men would make advances to the same woman and part of the humor rested on the woman’s unawareness, so I assumed that all women were this oblivious in real-life.  I subconsciously dehumanized them and saw them as vapid creatures who never knew what was happening around them.

Little did I know that every time I tried to be subtle, they almost always knew I was attempting to flirt, and they didn’t challenge my intentions because it would’ve made the situation too awkward.  And in some cases, they were generously helping me save face.  However, since I came out as a transgender woman, I started receiving messages and awkward comments from strangers who try to flirt with me (which is a completely new experience), so I am now experiencing what I’ve put so many women through.

I used to wonder why my female friends never told these people–mostly men–to “go away” bluntly, and now that I’m experiencing the awkward amorous overtures firsthand, I realize it’s because this entire flirting technique is immersed in plausible deniability.  These men can easily deny that they were ever flirting and can even claim that the other party is being “arrogant” when confronted.

A few years ago, I had a crush on my friend and while we were chatting online, I made an allusion to how beautiful she was as a “joke” and followed up with a meek “lol…”  Looking back, I could see she was protecting me when she told me she only saw me as a friend and wanted to cut this off at the pass before I got the wrong idea.  She told me she wanted to make our relationship clear, that we were only friends, and that while she was flattered, she didn’t want us to be anything more.

Immediately, I felt my face turning red and I was so embarrassed that I didn’t know how to deal with it.  I convinced myself that I was just trying to give her a compliment.

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The Other Virginity: To Be or Not to Be

by Susanna Leein Sex

“If you’re confused, I’ll just say that it’s the most common one to be kept the longest (by non-Catholics).”

My parents never had “the talk” with me.  We never discussed sex, not the technical how-to, nor the philosophical meaning.  They were busy, preoccupied with their own chaos, so I gathered my information about it as I went along, from books and friends and friend’s older brother’s porn collections..  I figured out what I needed to know, but I didn’t realize that virginity was a thing that some people save for true love, or some semblance thereof, until I only had one virginal penetration point left.  You know the one…if you’re confused, I’ll just say that it’s the most common one to be kept the longest (by non-Catholics).   Now, since I am a true romantic at heart, I thought the idea of saving something for true love was really sweet, and decided to save my anal virginity for someone special.

For years after making that decision, it never came up.  I’m not sure if that’s because it was the 90’s, and backdoor play didn’t really come into vogue focus until post-millennium, or because I was mostly sleeping with guys after last call, who were too drunk to do anything that required effort (bc any drunken fool can fall into an open vagina, but a lady’s bum requires a considerable amount more finesse).  Then, when I was 25, I fell in love.  However, it was with a man who was…gifted…with very, very large equipment.  So I rethought my plan, and decided to wait until marriage, thinking that if this guy would be the one, I’d have an entire lifetime to work up to the feat, and if this man was not to be my betrothed, whoever was would surely have less manhood to work with, making the special act less intimidating.

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My Name is Sunah and I am a CARER

by Sunah Bilstedin LOVE

To Care, or Not to Care, that is the question every person actively dating is forced to ask themselves daily.  However if you’re a carer you’ve probably already realized there is exactly zero point in going through this daily test because you have no choice.

My name is Sunah Bilsted. I am a carer. And I don’t know how to stop.

Managing the percentage of care or not care is one of the more elusive challenges when it comes to getting to know someone. Care too much and a fragrant waft of desperation flies around you like a gaggle of zombie cartoon birds. Care not enough and you feel like a robot living in fear, mechanically pushing people away with rationalized aloofness.

Carers tend to have a habit of falling in love with people who prefer dating people who don’t love them.  And in a confusing turn of events, so do the NOT carers. EVERYONE seems to love a not carer. Oh, the gladiator like challenge you take on, to be so wonderful, so amazing, so fucking cool, that you alone can change their distant nope persona into a loving hells yes persona. Society idolizes not carers too because for some peculiar reason, apathy mimics confidence. It’s almost as if caring is an insecure act of weakness and I’m so above caring cause I’m too busy being awesome, it is an act of high self esteem. We’ve all heard that feeble nugget of advice: “Just act like you don’t care” or “Just act like you have somewhere else to be”.  And you see it work for them.  They act like they don’t care, they get the job.  They win the relationship.  They win life.

What do you do if you just can’t fake it? What if you have nowhere else to be??

Everyone has a friend that excels in not caring and they have an endless stream of suitors. Who cares if they’re actually fulfilled, you’ll simply revel at their effortless ability to snare people into their web, I mean lives. And you’re secretly or perhaps not so secretly jealous, but you have long accepted that they’re perfect and are incapable of insecurity and you; well you drink insecurity like whiskey. Or diet coke. Or whatever shitty thing you slurp down in a desperate attempt to pad your void. You sit there and listen to their advice, breath held, eyelids wide, almost fluttering, but you know that their addictive wisdom will never work on you. Like an iPhone that drowned in toilet water for one precious moment too long. There ain’t enough rice in the world to dry out your need to care too hard, too soon.

But nah, screw that! You’re real! You don’t play games. And if people want to play games then you don’t want them! But you do. You do want them. Can you have them authentically? Can you be yourself and also create healthy boundaries? Yes!

But only if you address your own anxiety. Because maybe, just maybe, love and anxiety feel like the same thing to you.

“Anxiety is love’s greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.”

– Anais Nin

You don’t want to be a strangler! You just want to love. How is that a bad thing?

If you’re early on into getting to know someone, and you’ve spent one or more days wondering about how their day is going instead of yours, then you care too much.

Pointers to Maintain a Healthy Carer “non-strangler “ balance:

  1. You’re not in control. So stop trying to be. So often we reach out, call, text too much, or make it your part time job to ‘like’ all their dumb Instagrams, because in some weird way, we are trying to control the outcome. You feel vulnerable just being, just living with your feelings, so an action, any action, temporarily alleviates the worry. But action borne out of trauma, will usually result in more trauma. When you feel like you need to connect or you might actually die, check in with yourself first. If it feels like a game, an attempt to get the imaginary upper hand, or even if you just want attention. Stop. Do something else. For yourself.  Like your own Instagram pictures if you have to.
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Modern Marriage Part 2: Would You Take Your Significant Other’s Name?

by Alexandra Norrisin LOVE

As I sat in the Chapel, filling out our paperwork, I quickly dismissed the idea of changing my last name. My mother didn’t change hers, her mother kept her name as well.The idea hadn’t even occurred to me, to be honest, until I was asked if I wanted to. It seemed against my character to take the name of a man, rather than maintain my own identity. To my surprise (more than anyone), after the idea bounced around in my head for a few days, I found myself calling the Chapel back to see if it would be possible to change my mind.

Let me give you some background on the side of my family that comes from the name I was given. I am going to ask you to bear with me in case this comes off as bitter. SPOILER ALERT: my father’s side of the family has a fractious history.

I grew up idolizing my half-sister on my father’s side. For her tenth birthday, my parents had apparently asked her what she would like, and she responded with “a baby sister.” My parents got to work and shortly after her 11th birthday, there I was. She (and to a lesser extent, our older brother) was my hero growing up. Whatever her age was at the time, would become my favourite number. We shared a bedroom whenever she stayed at our dad’s place, and I loved her with the full amount a child’s heart could bear.

After I turned 13, the sheen of a baby sister had long worn off. Big sister had drawn a line in the sand between half and full blood siblings by explaining to me that we were “only” related through our Dad.  I probably don’t need to mention that the dismissal shattered me, but let’s take any doubts off the table. As the years passed, we made peace, but remained distant. In response to the news of my marriage, she called it a “great way to celebrate turning 35” (I am 30).

I last saw my half-brother, the guy who introduced me to Cool Ranch Doritos and my favorite New Kids on the Block doll, at age 22. My younger (full blood) brother had beautifully organized a special going-away dinner before I moved overseas. Half blood big bro inexplicably hasn’t spoken to our side of the family since. An old boyfriend of mine ended up working on a project with him in our hometown, and when he made the connection, he reportedly raced the news over to my half brother that he had dated his sister; which is precisely the moment when I learned that Big Bro doesn’t consider our shared last name and father to be a “real” thing.

So who is this patriarch of broken sibling relationships? In short, my father was adopted, has no siblings and with tight lips holds any history of our family under lock and key. We have pieced together stories from what our mother has told us and the most we can get has typically been confirmations or denials of facts shrouded in double speak. My mysterious father’s only wish is for me, after playing fast and loose with the role of “Dad” for a solid 15 years, is to give up my career and move back home and be happy. There remain many stones that may never be unturned; including my two eldest brothers whom I still have never met or spoken to, and I have no relationship with anyone else on his side.

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Does Age Really Matter in a Relationship?

by Lorraine Rockin LOVE

Statistically speaking most people form relationships with people close to their own age.

If you look around you, you will most likely find that your friends, neighbours and relatives are in relationships with people between two to 7 years older or younger than they themselves are.

Women have traditionally married men a couple of years older. There are a few rational reasons for this. In the past a woman wanted someone who was a bit more established than she was, and anecdotally men want to wait longer before they have families.

In my own life I have dated men up to 16 years older than I am, and also men up to 9 years younger. The younger I was it seemed, the older my partner was!

When I was 18 I had a 2 year relationship with a man of 34. He was just 10 years younger than my Dad, and was actually friends with him. I benefitted from his maturity, but eventually found the relationship a bit stifling. We were both volunteers for St. John’s Ambulance, and that was the only thing we really had in common.

During the time I was dating the older guy, I met a man of 22, and we had an on-off relationship for a couple of years. In many ways I was the more mature of the two of us, he was a musician and a bit of a skirt-chaser. The advantage of the relationship was that we had so much in common. We both enjoyed the same kind of music, and with that as a background would talk into the wee hours of the morning over endless cups of coffee, with our gang of mutual friends. My first really long term relationship was also with someone virtually my own age. We had similar backgrounds, similar interests, and in most ways were a perfect fit.

When that relationship broke down, I played the field for a few years and dated both younger and older men. Each age group seemed to have some advantages, younger men were mostly energetic, adorable and a tad insecure, awed by your profound knowledge! but had a totally different frame of reference. Older men were more likely to nurture and want to protect little old you, but tended to want to be “in charge”!

I remember telling one of my younger dates (He was 21, I was 30.) that I had gone to see the World’s Fair with friends, he replied that his parents had taken him – he had been 9, I had been 18, literally double his age! His tastes in music were vastly different, and his idea of a good time was dancing the night away at a party, my taste was maturing into an appreciation of Wine and Fine Dining!

My affection for him was almost condescending, and I did not like that he brought that out in me. I also found that men of my own age, despite the natural differences in personality, at least understood the same social and political references, and had seen the same movies that I had seen!

I had noticed that in many May/September romances of any kind, it is the power imbalance that strains the relationship, so if that is evened out in some way, by money, prestige, or even just personality, then relative power is not an issue.

In my opinion, similarity in tastes and experience is more important than age; but you are much more likely to find those similarities in someone fairly close to your own age. As you age, the gap can actually widen a bit. A 50 year old woman and a 40 year old man (or vice versa) probably have much experience in common, and, in North America at least, maturity is a great leveller.

Each relationship is unique, of course, what works for one is not necessarily good for another.

Problems due to different tastes can be worked through if both parties are willing to compromise. There are mature 20 year-olds, and immature 40 year-olds. As with any aspect of a relationship it works if you both really want it to. Just look at Madonna! – or maybe that’s not a good example.

Age may be just a number, and we are all as old as we feel, or as young as we look,  Right now I am married to a man who is 6 months my junior, but looks and acts his age, whereas I look and act 10 years younger! The older I get it seems that age becomes just demographic information, and inside my head I can remember being 19, which makes me younger than my children!