Why Couple Fights Over the Little Things is Just Plain Silly

May 24, 2018January 22, 2024 by Rae Meghanin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Looking back, we all laugh at little couple fights. But in the moment, they can seem like a big deal.

A few months ago I lost my umbrella on the bus. It was a purple umbrella that I had just unpacked from my big move, and only one of two in the house. When I told Chris, he got annoyed.

Apparently, Chris had thought there was only one in the house, belonging to our roommate. He told me that I lost my roommate’s umbrella, which was brown. I told him over and over that the umbrella I lost was, in fact, purple, but he told me I needed to take responsibility for losing one that wasn’t mine..

The next morning, we found the brown umbrella. “I owe you the biggest apology in the world,” Chris said before hugging me. I was annoyed, but also smug about being right.

Honestly, these were the only types of arguments Chris and I really got into. I use past tense because we realized that these little spats weren’t really of anything substantial, so we became more aware of it and learned to talk things out calmly. At least we don’t argue about big things that can make or break a relationship, we thought.

However, a lot of couples aren’t able to curb these arguments. It is possible that the little things can, in fact, make or break a relationship. A lot of times, these spats can be a reflection of a lack of communication between a couple, which can lead to a very unhealthy dynamic. There will always be differences among two people who spend a lot of time together- it’s just about how you deal with them.

Chris didn’t think too much of our arguments when they were happening. While these arguments about little things like umbrellas and where to eat seemed catastrophic, in retrospect he believed that arguments happen between all couples, and that it was the sign of a healthy relationship.

I disagreed. Having been in bad relationships before, I have a hard time distinguishing between bickering and abuse, making me susceptible to feeling fragile and afraid of speaking up for myself. Chris is a wonderful boyfriend and someone who I completely trust and love with my whole heart, and I know he never wants me to feel that way. But, arguments do happen once in a while, a fact I should probably accept.

My mom, on the other hand, claims that she and her boyfriend have never had an argument in the almost two years that they have been dating. It’s a far cry from when she was with my dad, who would lash out and start fights constantly. Are she and her current boyfriend more compatible? Perhaps. More likely, though, is that the new boyfriend is much better at communicating than my father was.

I can’t stress that enough. The reason why Chris and I don’t fight anymore is because we’ve learned to communicate with each other. If one of us gets annoyed with the other over whatever reason, we talk it out. It took a few months of dating to really work out the bugs in our relationship, but now that we understand each other better, we’re able to empathize and understand our thought processes and emotions. It’s truly all about not just being self aware, but also having the patience to understand the other’s needs.

If we knew then what we know now, the umbrella fight probably wouldn’t have even happened. It probably would have started with Chris listening to me when I insisted that it was another umbrella, and me not retaliating with over-the-top emotions. We probably would have waited until we had gotten home to look for the brown umbrella, which we would have inevitably found, and we would forget about the whole thing without bickering.

Now of course, we just laugh about all of our dumb little fights. Not to say that we’ll never argue about anything ever again, but knowing what we know now, we’ll be able to avoid them as much as we possibly can. Our relationship is much healthier, due to a higher level of respect we have for each other, as well as ourselves.

Don’t forget, as you work through the world of relationships, we’re here to help. Join LOVE TV today.

How Reducing Stress Completely Changed My Relationships

May 30, 2018January 22, 2024 by Lindsay Hayesin LOVE, Mind, RELATIONSHIPS, Wellness

We all live complicated lives working hard and playing hard. But when stress tarts to take its toll, here is what you can do to keep your relationships solid.

Stress sucks. What I didn’t know was that it was tearing my relationships apart. Work stress, health problems, and life seem to have ganged up and attacked all at once. The stress and negativity quickly gave way to relationships woes.

We have to be on our A game for our clients, colleagues, boss, etc. By the time many of us get around to spending time with our SO, we don’t have much left to give. The sad truth is, the people most important to us often get our worst selves. Their unconditional love means we sometimes take the “unconditional” part for granted.

Being in love doesn’t actually mean your SO is going to stick around forever if things go south. I was unhappy, which meant he was unhappy. Things had to change. If you’re in the same boat, don’t forget we’ve got a way to help. Join LOVETV today.

So I did some research. There are lots of articles about how to de-stress. I read many of them and applied what I could to my life. Here’s what happened:

1.Finding the positive meant we were less defensive with each other.

When you complain about everything all the time, it’s easy for your friends and lover to start wondering if you’re complaining about them too. After all, if nothing makes you happy, how can they have a shot?

I made an active effort to find the positive, to appreciate it, and voice that appreciation. When I stopped complaining I eventually noticed he no longer said things like “don’t get mad but” or “don’t take this the wrong way.” Simply because I had stopped automatically taking it the wrong way.

2.Vent productively

We all need to vent. But that doesn’t give you permission to go on, and on, and on, and on about Bob or Phil at work who constantly interrupts you and talks like she’s explaining quantum physics to a 5 year old.

It’s better to express your frustration concisely and move on to more interesting conversation. This allows your SO to commiserate and then learn about the delicious lunch you had at a new place.

3.Create space to recharge

Beautiful young couple is drinking coffee talking and smiling while sitting near the window at home

When I read this my first thought was “impossible!” But then I broke down my average day and started to see where I would rearrange, reconsider, and remove some busyness. Could I give up an hour of Netflix for a long shower or warm bath? What if instead of coming home and immediately starting laundry, I did yoga for 20 minutes? Too much laundry? Maybe you can do yoga (or whatever makes you smile) while the washer is doing it’s thing.

Now when my SO comes home, instead of being drained from going from my day job to chores at home, I’m actually smiling.

4.Find a hobby you enjoy

When busyness is causing you stress, it seems odd that the answer is to add one more thing to your day. But the importance and benefit of hobbies can’t be overstated. If all you do is work of course you’re unhappy!

There were two immediate benefits of taking up a hobby. The first was that it forced some boundaries with my work schedule. Sure I could work an 11 hour day but I’m someone’s belay partner at our rock climbing gym, so they’ll have to make do with 9 (or even 8) hours.

And since I found a hobby I could do with my SO, it gave us something to smile about and new fun friends to talk to.

5.Express Gratitude

You’ve heard it a million times but that is because it’s so important. Why are you with him or her? Seriously, stop reading for a few seconds and think about their best qualities.

When is the last time you told them this? Find everyday, little ways to acknowledge what you like about him or her. Who doesn’t want a sincere compliment from someone important in their lives?

Stress sucks but it’s also a choice. You can get through your day and feel like crap because you’re dealing with crap. Or you can stop concentrating on the crap, take care of yourself, notice the good things, and maybe end the day with a smile when you cuddle up next to your sweetheart. It’s totally up to you.

15 Ways to Model Your Wedding Just Like Meghan and Harry’s

June 1, 2018January 22, 2024 by Kate Oczypokin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Are you still swooning over the fairy tale romantic morning that was Duchess Meghan and Prince Harry’s wedding?

If you’re anything like me, you are still obsessing over every minute detail of the royal couple’s gorgeous wedding at St. George’s Chapel.

Whether you were smitten with the gaggle of children walking behind Meghan or the way Harry wiped tears from his eyes when he saw his bride for the first time, it wasn’t hard to get caught up in the absolute loveliness of it all.

For engaged couples getting married soon who want to emulate Meghan and Harry’s elegant and romantic style, here are 17 ways to do so.

1. Gather up your favorite kids as your bridesmaids and groomsmen.

Meghan and Harry used godchildren, nieces, nephews and children of their best friends. Sit down with your fiancé and think about what little ones you’d want to walk up the aisle with you. Family and friends may be surprised by your decision but it eliminates a lot of drama and money that bridesmaids and groomsmen would have to spend.

2. Use white flowers.

It may seem boring, but white flowers offer a gorgeous, romantic and clean aesthetic. The royal couple used white roses (one of Princess Diana’s favorites) and white peonies (Meghan’s favorite flower).

3. Choose a simple, classic wedding dress.

Part of what made Meghan look so incredibly amazing that day was her wedding dress. By going quite simple in Givenchy, she created a timeless style that would work in eras past and for years to come. In other words, if you want to create the romanticism of “my future daughter could wear this someday,” make like Meghan and go with a classic style.

4. In lieu of wedding gifts, offer the opportunity to donate to a charity.

Meghan and Harry asked for donations to their favorite charities instead of wedding gifts. They chose a diverse group—a charity for children who have lost a parent in the armed forces, a children’s HIV association and Surfers Against Sewage (perhaps a nod to Meghan’s home state of California). Think about your favorite charities and make a list for donations in instead of wedding gifts.

5. Think about sentimentality when it comes to your jewelry.

For her second outfit of the day, Meghan jetted off to her reception in a show-stopping Stella McCartney dress. What many noticed though was what was on her finger—Princess Diana’s aquamarine ring. Many speculated it could have been a gift from Harry and Meghan’s “something blue.” If you have heirlooms like this in your family collection, your wedding day might be time to think about wearing them.

6. Get married early in the day.

There’s something to be said for the song “Get Me to the Church on Time” from My Fair Lady. The excitement and anticipation from the morning wedding at St. George’s chapel helped nerves to get out of the way early and allowed for partying all day long. Also, there’s less of a chance of bad weather in the morning!

7. Consider marrying in a church.

Neither Harry nor Meghan are particularly religious, but they married in the historic, 500+ year old St. George’s Chapel. If you crave the beauty of having your wedding ceremony in a church just as Meghan and Harry did, consider marrying in a religious building.

8. Incorporate both of your backgrounds into your ceremony.

Part of what made Meghan and Harry’s ceremony so beautiful was that it included traditional British wedding songs and prayers, but also included Bishop Curry and his sermon that went viral and a gospel choir singing a version of “Stand By Me” that caused many to shed a tear. If your fiancé and you are from different countries like Meghan and Harry, your wedding is a wonderful time to showcase what makes you who you are.

9. Incorporate your cultures into your reception in a clever way.

Guests at the royal couple’s reception said that table names revolved around different pronunciations of the same words by Americans and the British. There was potato, tomato and oregano just to name a few. Consider fun ways like this to mash up your two families’ backgrounds.

10. Honeymoon in a quiet, secluded place.

Nothing is worse than having so many people around that your privacy is threatened, and Meghan and Harry know this all too well. They were at first rumored to be heading to Namibia, but now rumors are swirling the couple will be visiting a secluded resort in Alberta, Canada.

11. Recreate the royal couple’s wedding cake.

The lemon elderflower confection was one to remember. Luckily, if you want to budget for your wedding, HGTV offers a copycat recipe to make on your own.

12. Honor your family.

Harry is close to his brother and father and Meghan and her mother have a deep relationship. If you have that special friend or family member, don’t forget to thank them and let them know how much you love them. Harry and Meghan gave speeches, but you could always handwrite a letter to your loved ones and deliver it on your wedding day.

13. Do things your way.

When Thomas Markle turned out to not be able to make it to the wedding, Meghan opted to walk herself down half of the aisle before she met up with Prince Charles. It was a strong statement of modern feminism and showed the royal family exactly how she planned to live her life as an ex-pat. Don’t be afraid to shun tradition and plan your wedding your way.

14. Make music a central part of your ceremony.

There’s a certain romantic and emotional nature to music. It can bring you back to certain times in your life, making you remember both good times and bad. Consider adding touches of music to your ceremony as Meghan and Harry did. From the Kingdom Choir to 19-year-old cellist Sheku Kanneh-Mason, everything was picture perfect at St. George’s Chapel that day.

15. Don’t be afraid to show your affection.

Weddings don’t have to be stuffy! Harry and Meghan are known for their adorable PDA and single-handedly have made kissing and holding hands in public sweet again.

Meghan and Harry ushered in a new generation of British royalty when they married.

It was hard not to get caught up in the breathtaking, romantic wedding that was Harry and Meghan’s big day. If you are getting married soon or newly engaged, these 15 suggestions are great ways to model your nuptials just like the modern fairy-tale that was the royal couple’s.

Can’t get enough Harry and Meghan? Check out this essay on how the duo are the perfect example of a modern, empowered couple.

Why the Advice “You’ll Find Love When You Stop Looking” Could be More Harmful Than Helpful

June 12, 2018January 22, 2024 by Jillian Pretzelin DATING ADVICE, LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

This cliché line is helping exactly… no one. So why are we still saying it?

When you’re single and looking for love, you’re bound to hear some useless (and cliché) dating advice.

You might be familiar with famous eye-rollers such as: “You just need to get out more” or “Just have fun, don’t overthink it.” Sigh.

But one piece of advice sticks out to me as particularly unhelpful: “You’ll find love when you stop looking.”

Don’t get me wrong, I understand where this idea comes from. After all, it sort of makes sense: if you’re not stressed out about finding love you’ll probably feel more relaxed, conversations will feel less forced, and you might even be more likely to take chances.

But there’s a problem with this “stop looking” logic.

Dr. Pepper Schwartz, a relationship expert (best known for Lifetime’s Married at First Sight), points out that it’s like saying, “You’ll find a job when you’re least looking for it.”

“It’s possible,” she says, “but rarely happens.” She adds that,“For the most part, people who wait for a job are unemployed. For me, it’s just an excuse for being scared to go and put the effort in. Yes, it happens, but no, it’s not a good strategy.”

And sure, maybe one day someone great will fall into your lap: you’ll have instant chemistry, everything in common, and the two of you will live happily ever after. We’ve all heard stories where something like that happens to a friend of a friend, so I guess it’s possible.

But you shouldn’t bet on it.

People like to say things like “stop looking for love” because trying to find a great relationship is hard and not finding someone after putting yourself out there can be disappointing. You could potentially do everything right: you could introduce yourself to new people, go on dating sites, join clubs, go on blind dates, and still not have that special someone to bring to your cousin’s wedding.

It can be disheartening, scary, and disappointing to be out there looking for love knowing that there are no guarantees when it comes to relationships. Dating can make anyone feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. So, taking a step back and saying “Psh, I’m not even looking for love right now” might seem like a good way to make sure you aren’t disappointed.

But stopping the search isn’t the answer.

In fact, putting yourself out there and setting yourself up for disappointment is part of the whole “relationship” thing. Looking for love and finding is all about leaning into the scary stuff: putting yourself out there, being vulnerable, and taking chances. And that doesn’t end once you get into a relationship.

In fact, it’s usually just the beginning.

I met my fiancé in high school. We’ve been together for almost a decade now and in just a couple months we’ll be getting married. I know how uncommon it is to marry your high school sweetheart (in fact, it’s statistically ridiculous). So, for a long time I thought we were the poster couple for the “you’ll find love when you’re not looking” philosophy.

After all, people were always saying I was so lucky to have found my future husband so early in life. And I am lucky. I’m blessed with a great relationship with an amazing guy, but our relationship isn’t based on luck or chance. We didn’t get to 10 years by accident.

We choose each other.

We’ve been together for so long because every day we make the choice to be together. We make ourselves vulnerable every day: taking risks and making compromises. We make plans around each other. We have love because we truly and completely want it, and are willing to work for it.

I like Dr. Pepper Schwartz’s advice because I think that getting into a relationship is a lot like landing an amazing job. To get that job you’re probably going to have to put in a lot of effort: you’ll need to go back to school or get some training. You’re going to need to do some research and improve your skills.

You might even need to update your résumé, get a new suit, and all-around make yourself a good candidate for the job. And if you don’t get one job, it could be embarrassing or disheartening, but soon you’ll find a new one and you’ll apply for that too.

But the important thing is that it doesn’t get easier once you finally do get hired. It’s really only then when the real work starts. That’s when you have to start making compromises, focusing more time on your career, and working hard to make the relationship…I mean job… great.

You can’t be afraid to do all the things you need to do to find a partner, because that same stuff is required to maintain the relationship. This idea that singles should stop looking, that they’ll get more out of trying less is only setting people up for disappointment and bad relationships… and that isn’t fair.

Like I said, when you’re single, you’re going to get all kinds of bad advice. But the idea of trying less is probably one of the worst.

Maybe there is no great advice that works for everyone, no magic words of wisdom to guarantee everyone exactly the relationship they want. But, I’ve found that if you can take the risks and do the work to find someone special, you’ll be ready for the relationship, and the love, you deserve.

True Love Lessons with Sierra: Self-Worth

June 13, 2018January 22, 2024 by Sierra Mercierin LOVE, Mind, RELATIONSHIPS, Wellness

Self-worth!

This lesson keeps popping up for me and those around me, so let’s jump in!

What does it mean to have self-worth?

I believe it means discovering AND believing in your deep inherent value, which in turn, gives you a standard of how you deserve to be treated.

Know that you, just as you are, are a rare and precious jewel with unlimited love to give.

Recognizing that is what polishes your inner jewel making you sparkle from the inside out!

Self-worth is interconnected with self-confidence and self-respect.

These 3 powerhouse energies COMBINED are certain to help you attract an excellent match!

Tune in next time for more True Love Lessons & Confessions with Sierra.

How to Decide if You Should Stay Together (or Break Up) After Graduation

June 22, 2018January 22, 2024 by Jillian Pretzelin DATING ADVICE, LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Lots of couples call it quits after school is over, but that doesn’t mean that you have to. So, what graduation mean for your relationship?

The time just after graduation is exciting, challenging, and completely terrifying. You’re heading out into the world with a fresh new degree, wild dreams, and, if you’re like me, tons of important organic chemistry knowledge that you’ll definitely forget in just a few months.

In your post-grad life, you’re going to learn new things about yourself, likely struggle professionally, find new dreams, and definitely grow as a person. And with all those changes and challenges, it can be complicated to keep a relationship going strong.

Which is why graduation time means cutting ties for so many couples.

Often, high school and college sweethearts find themselves splitting because of distance (maybe one of them moves to another state, or country). But a lot of times people break up because they grow apart emotionally.

But that’s OK. You’re bound to change and grow into yourself in the time after graduation, and that often means new relationship needs.

However, it doesn’t mean it’s impossible to stay together, either.

Personally, I’ve gone through three graduations with my fiancé: we went to high school together, stayed together through college (even going to different schools), and I just recently I finished up my masters degree just months before our wedding. And while some periods of our lives were more challenging than others, we were able to grow together (instead of growing apart) and our relationship worked out in the long run.

Sometimes, the hardest part of juggling love and life after graduation is just knowing when to try to keep a relationship going and when to simply part as friends.

Here are some things to consider when thinking about your relationship after graduation. And don’t forget, we’re here to help when you have relationship questions or just want to cut through the challenges of the dating world. We’re offering a special membership to new graduates as well. Use the code Graduate to receive your 14 day trial period on all subscriptions (that’s double our current LOVE TV 7 Day Free offer.)

1. Do you feel like you have room to grow?

I knew a couple at my university who seemed like the perfect childhood sweethearts. They were so cute that Topanga and Cory from “Boy Meets World” would have seriously been put to shame.

They’d been together since middle school and seemed to be so compatible. They were interested in the same things (like acting classes and soccer), made the same friends, and seemed to be so in love with each other.

Which is why I was so confused when they broke up. One day they were sitting together with our friend group in the cafeteria at lunch, the next they were on opposite sides of the dining room, avoiding eye contact.

Then, to make things even stranger, they both started hanging out with new people and joining new clubs. She joined a sorority and spent her time going to parties and planning weekend trips to the beach. Meanwhile, he started getting really into law, joined the mock trial team, and started interning at the governor’s office. They both found new friend groups, stopped going to soccer games, and I never saw either of them taking a theatre class again.

At first, I thought they were trying to distract themselves from a hard breakup, trying new things and experimenting to keep from feeling sad. But eventually, I learned that this wasn’t just a phase, they were just both growing… in separate directions.

People change and grow, and sometimes being in a relationship can stall you from trying new things. If you two have something in common, you might devote more time to whatever that is, rather than exploring whatever really calls to you. While successful couples can figure out how to balance their own interests with their partner’s, sometimes people just need some room to grow by themselves.

Never feel like you have to compromise your interests, or your opportunity to find yourself, to maintain a relationship. If you feel like you need some room to grow, on your own, give yourself that time.

2. Are you worried about missing out on other love interests?

Johnny Depp once said that “if you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.” I think that his idea is true, even if you haven’t met that second person yet.

When I was starting college (with a committed relationship), a friend asked if I was worried about missing out on dating hot college guys. I honestly was not. In fact, I hadn’t even thought about it. I was satisfied with my relationship and didn’t want to date anyone else. Being on a new campus, around new people, wasn’t going to change that.

But, I was also very lucky. I found my future husband early and I knew where I wanted the relationship to go. Not many people have that kind of relationship in high school.

If the idea of a whole new world with lots of cute singles sounds enticing, it’s probably because (maybe even subconsciously) you know that your current partner isn’t going to be the love of your life. You deserve a relationship that makes you certain that you’re not missing out on anything, and if you don’t have that already, maybe now is your chance to start looking.

3. Is your love circumstantial?

We’ve all had friendships out of convenience: those friends that you feel so close to, until you don’t have to see them every day. There’s that friend that you love hanging out with at work, but as soon as you switch jobs, you never see them again. Or the pal you hang out with all the time during ultimate frisbee practice, but once the season is over, you realize you don’t actually have much in common.

Many casual relationships, especially in high school and college, are often formed out of convenience. You might start dating someone because they live in your dorm building or you take classes together. And with them always nearby, you might stay in the relationship because it’s easy.

Now, I’m not saying that you can’t meet your future spouse in a class, because you absolutely can (I did!) but there’s a whole great big world of people out there. You shouldn’t settle for that convenient relationship because it’s easy and comfortable, there could be a greater love out there waiting for you.

A good trick is to ask yourself if you would still be together if you lived an hour away from them, or two hours. You’ll know right away if you should try to keep the relationship together, or if you should part ways.

4. How much time are you willing to spend with them?

Every weekend in college, either my fiancé (then boyfriend) or I would drive the 45 minutes to the other’s school to spend time together. While I loved getting to see him so often, I can’t say it was always easy to make the time. I had to work extra hard on weeknights to finish as much homework as I could before I drove up to see him, and there were definitely a number of events and parties at school that I had to skip.

No matter what exciting thing you do next, whether it’s more school or a great new career, know that a relationship is a time commitment and your relationship has to be a priority in order to succeed.

If that time spent with your significant other doesn’t feel worth missing out on something else (or if you feel like you don’t have the time to devote to maintaining a relationship) it’s probably time to move on to what’s next.

5. What do you really want to accomplish in this next phase of life? Will your partner help or hurt you in achieving your goal?

Graduation often means new adventures and new goals, and if your plans don’t align with your partner’s, it might be hard to move forward. For example, if you’re dreaming of moving to Japan, but your partner wants you both to get a job locally, you might find yourself giving up on a dream.

It’s a good idea to make a list of what you want to do in the next few years, and have your partner do the same. Keep in mind that you shouldn’t necessarily break up if your lists don’t fit together absolutely perfectly right now. Plans almost always change and even if you are confident in your list now, you might change your mind down the road.

The important thing is that you’re able to work together to make sure you both get what you want, compromise when you can, and work as a team in the long run. If you don’t think you can do that, or your paths are too different, it’s best to talk about that now.

6. Do you picture yourself with your partner forever?

Sometimes, it’s good to date simply for fun. You could be seeing someone who is really cool and interesting, but that doesn’t exactly mean you see yourself marrying that person. At different phases in life you might want something different out of your relationships, and if right now all you need is a casual date to hang out with on a Friday night, that’s OK!

But, making a relationship last post-graduation can be hard work. You don’t want to go through all that trouble for someone you don’t see yourself having a meaningful (and long) relationship with. Simply ask yourself if you want to be with this person a year from now, or perhaps two years from now. Hopefully you’ll know your answer right away.

These six questions are sure to give any graduate a lot to think about. Just remember that graduation may be one of the craziest but most exciting times of your entire life, and navigating your love life on top of that can be a challenge for anyone. Hopefully, this list will help you realize the best path for your relationship, and set your love life up for success!

And don’t forget, we’re offering a special membership to new graduates as well. Use the code Graduate to receive your 14 day trial period on all subscriptions (that’s double our current LOVE TV 7 Day Free offer.)

A Guide to Planning, Attending (and Surviving) Bridal Showers

July 5, 2018January 22, 2024 by Jillian Pretzelin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Because wedding season doesn’t start and end the day they say “I do.”

This year, I’m getting married. Being engaged has been exciting and wonderful, but the wedding planning itself has been, well, pretty stressful.

Organizing any event can difficult, and if you’re not a professional party planner (I can barely plan my own meals), putting together a wedding can be downright exhausting.

And to make matters worse, there’s more than just the wedding to focus on. There’s the bridal shower, a bachelorette party, an engagement party, and the rehearsal dinner. There’s so much going on that it’s almost impossible for the engaged couple to do it all themselves.

In the end, a lot of the responsibility usually falls on the bridal party, the couple’s families, and close friends. I’ve seen it from both sides: I’ve been bridesmaid offering to help pick up some slack, to being the bride delegating numerous tasks to the kind (and unsuspecting) friends who offered to help.

So, I know that it can be a bummer if you’re suddenly being given a ton of responsibility. You’re stuck between what the bride and groom wants, what you’re able to do, and how much time/energy you can actually dedicate to making it all happen.

So, in order to help ease the stress of party planning, here’s my guide to planning, assisting with, and enjoying this year’s bridal showers. Whether you’re a bridesmaid, a close family member, or the bride, this list will help you feel confidant, have fun, and get through wedding season with ease.

1. Find out what your role is.

First things first. Before you start booking the venue and ordering champagne, find out what exactly you’re expected to do when it comes to this shower. Because when it comes to showers, there isn’t exactly a hard and fast rule on who is going to be taking the reins.

Sometimes a maid of honor will throw the whole bridal shower herself, other times it’s a parent or grandparent who wants to host it. Sometimes the couple decides to throw a shower together.

With all these different options and expectations, sometimes it can be tricky to walk the line between offering to help and stepping on someone’s toes.

Just make sure you know what the couple wants and what your role in it is. If that means stepping back to watch someone else handle it, great, but you also don’t want to be surprised with a “so… you guys are throwing me a shower right?” — when you had no plans to do so.

On that note, If you’re the bride, remember to be clear about what you want.

For me, I’m really close with my mom and she was so excited to throw me an amazing shower, but we did need some help. My maid of honor did a bunch of crafts for me leading up to the party, and on the day of, we couldn’t have gotten everything set up without my bridesmaids’ help.

2. A good theme is your best friend.

A shower theme can add a little extra fun to the party, serve as inspiration for games and decorations, and help tie everything together.

There are fun and simple themes like “afternoon tea” or “love in Paris” that are easy to find decorations for, but don’t be afraid to think outside of the box too.

It could be a scavenger hunt or a pool party bridal shower. You could decorate the party area to look like the set of Stranger Things or model the party after Great Gatsby parties.

For my shower, I decided on a Sound of Music theme. It’s my favorite movie and getting to live in The Sound of Music world made the party extra special for me. Two of my bridesmaids and I dressed up as “girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes” (from the song “My Favorite Things”) and my mom had a dress made to look like one Julie Andrews wears in the movie. I had pictures from the film decorating the party space, tables were named after the von Trapp children, and I even had themed party favors and desserts.

I had so much fun finding new ways to incorporate the theme into the party. For example, I liked the idea of candles for party favors, so I ordered ones that were apple strudel scented. I even had themed tea cups made for prizes.

In a world of Etsy and Amazon it’s easy to order almost anything for your party-planning needs, so it’s easy to get creative.

3. Put a new twist on old games.

You’ve probably played the typical bridal shower games a million times. There’s a certain sense of comfort in a good “how well do you know the bride” quiz or a “make a wedding dress out of toilet paper” game, but that doesn’t mean you can’t mix it up a little.

For my Sound of Music shower, I took inspiration from the movie when it came to games. I always liked the scene where Maria gets the idea to make her old curtains into play clothes for the children. So, I went to Target and got a few packs of curtains (whichever ones were on sale) and split my guests into teams to create dresses. Everyone got into it and I had a lot of fun judging the best dress.

We also had a sound of music quiz with questions like “What city is The Sound of Music set in?” and “What are the names of the seven von Trapp children?” to test guests’ movie knowledge.

4. A gift-giving guide.

Gifts are often a big part of a bridal shower. In fact, it’s in the name: you’re supposed to “shower” the bride with love, attention, and of course, new stuff.

A lot of times, guests are expected to bring gifts from the registry and watch as the bride opens them. But that doesn’t mean that’s what happens every time. At lingerie parties, guests bring cute underwear (or fun pajamas) and at a “stock the bar” party guests are expected to bring bottles of alcohol for the couple’s home.

When it came to my bridal shower, I decided that I really didn’t want gifts. My fiancé and I already have everything we need, plus, I wanted to fill the shower time with games and socializing rather than gift opening. So, I asked guests to instead make donations to charity.

If you’re the bride, just remember that you have options, and if you’re a guest, remember to be appropriate. Don’t bring crazy kinky underwear to your friend’s shower if she would be embarrassed to open it in front of family and future in-laws.

5. Take plenty of pictures.

For my shower, I decided to have my wedding photographers come to take pictures. It worked out wonderfully and I got a lot of great shots, but not everyone has the budget to do that.

If you’re attending as a guest, take the time to snap some pictures for the bride. She’ll love to have memories of the decorations, candids from the party, and photos of her having a good time. It’s a thoughtful gesture that she’ll enjoy for years to come.

And, if you’re the party planner, think about posting the wedding hashtag up somewhere for people to see. That way, guests can get pictures to the bride easily.

6. Know when to come and go.

One key to surviving bridal showers is knowing when to end it. Make sure that there’s a start and end time for the event, and figure out how much time you’re willing to dedicate to putting up and pulling down decorations.

You might consider offering to come twenty minutes early to help set up, or plan to stay past the end time to help load everything in the cars. Or, if you know you’ve got to head out early, just make sure everyone knows ahead of time that you have somewhere to be.

While planning all those wedding events may seem daunting, these tips will definitely help make it all less stressful. Whether you’re planning the event or just helping out, you’re sure to have a fun shower and a great wedding season.

Handling Living in between Two Places in a Relationship

July 26, 2018January 22, 2024 by ElisaShoenbergerin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Who Stays Where, When, and Why

I was at the stage of a relationship where I was spending most of my time at my boyfriend’s apartment. We had been dating for almost three years and it happened naturally. I simply found myself spending more and more time at his place.

There were obvious reasons why it happened. There was the issue of space and privacy. I shared an apartment with three roommates while my boyfriend lived with his dog in his own place.

And there was the issue of location. I was in the middle of my evening MBA program while working full time. The commute to my neighborhood was not ideal. Things got dicier at night. I only took the train in the early morning due to the number of shootings that occurred near it at other times of the day. Leaving class at 9pm meant a very long bus ride or taking the train and then transferring to the bus. Coming home was stressful and exhausting. His place was easier to get to from school; it was simply a shorter bus ride into a neighborhood that had fewer problems.

But these reasons weren’t consciously on mind. We were simply getting used to another’s company on a day to day basis. We liked being around one another, even first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

Decisions Around A Drawer of My Own

While our relationship was going in good places, the stress of living between two places was rising. I had to be strategic about the clothing I was going to wear, the books I would need, and even the food I ate. I constantly had to think ahead: what was I going to need for the next few days? It was a 20-30 minute drive from his place to mine, not to mention the parking situation.

I began perpetually carrying around a blue bag that contained a few pairs of clothing for the week and my phone charger. I remember how nervous I was about asking to keep a toothbrush and comb and having my own drawer for clothing. But these were the practicalities of our living situation. Clean teeth, tamed hair (sorta) and not wearing clothes twice in a row to work have real impacts on your mental and physical health.

However, some of these caused their own issues. Having a drawer of clothing meant that I had to find a way to clean that clothing. No one does my laundry for me! Therefore, there was sometimes a lot of carrying of dirty clothes around town.

On the textbook side, I had a lot of online textbooks which made it easier as long as I had my iPad. However, I did have to be conscious of where my computer was just in case I had to write papers.

Food was a real bee in my bonnet. Buying a gallon of milk became foolish. I would use a tiny portion of it in my morning tea. I tried to convince my roommates to use it so at least the milk wouldn’t spoil but they didn’t use it enough. I started only buying food and drink on an as-needed basis, very French, I suppose. The boyfriend would stock things I liked to eat in the fridge, which helped extensively.

Negotiating Roommates Feelings

I interviewed several other women about their experiences in this liminal stage of their relationships.

In an interview with Samantha (not her real name), she told me, “I actually pretty much lived over at his place for 2ish years… and I didn’t mind that both my places were kinda like closets. My first roommate was kinda annoyed by it, but my second roommate didn’t really care.” For her, she explained, “the hardest part to navigate was making sure to spend time with my…roommate so she wouldn’t feel alone.” I asked how she tried to handle the situation and she told me, “I tried to make sure at least once a week that we had spent quality time together…I wish I had been better at balancing my roommate’s needs and that crazy falling in love phase. I am sad we kinda grew apart.”

Samantha also mentioned her concerns about his roommates and their view of her. She said, “I wish I has also been less of a scaredy cat when it came to his roommates. I was always scared they didn’t like me and I didn’t feel comfortable whenever they were home. I wasted a lot of mental energy over nothing.”

Making Decisions for Financial Reasons

Brenda had a more cautionary tale. Sometimes the in-between stage is necessary to figure out oneself and your relationship with your significant other. Brenda moved in with her ex-boyfriend after four months for financial reasons. I asked her about the mechanics of her situation and she told me, “He would drive me to school in the morning (we lived about 15 minutes from us) and I would shower and grab more clothing there. We mainly hung out during the evening. Food wise, we were fast food people. I would buy groceries and then they would spoil them because I was never home. I saved a ton of money on toilet paper, that’s for sure.”

I asked her what she wished she had done differently. She explained that she wished she hadn’t moved in with him for financial reasons. Her advice to folks in a similar situation was ““(H)ave a handle of their [situation] before moving in with someone that quickly. It definitely impacted our relationship and it made me feel like trash. He was a good guy though, but it definitely took a toll on us.” While living in between is a cause of stress, moving in too early or without resolving issues might cause different stresses.

Moving In For Keeps

Like everything with relationships, negotiating this in-between stage is tricky and dependent on the dynamics of the relationship. Dealing with practicalities of daily life, feelings of roommates and financial decisions are important in the success of relationships.

For me, I had a happy ending. After about a year, my then boyfriend, now husband, asked me to move in permanently. It was a godsend. One it meant that he felt strongly about our relationship. And two, I wouldn’t have to carry around dirty clothing anymore.

How I Came To Peace With My Jealousy Of Others Relationships

August 9, 2018January 22, 2024 by Becca Martinin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Jealousy is never a good look and it’s all I wore.

Jealousy over others relationships is a feeling I used to be far too familiar with. I’ve been single for about 6 or 7 years now and I just found out this morning the last guy I dated is actually getting married next weekend.

I’ve dated on and off for years, gone after men who were no good for me too many times to count. I found myself with men who were emotionally unavailable far too often, who kept slipping the words “my ex” into conversations while we laid in bed. I’d stay with them though because I didn’t want to be alone. I’d stay even if I knew I wasn’t the only one they were spending their time with because I wanted to pretend I had what everyone else had – someone who cared about me.

It was no secret they didn’t care about me. I knew these guys didn’t care about me and I knew that they were just filling the time until the next person came along. I knew it was only a matter of time before things would fizzle out and I’d be left swiping on Tinder again, if I even stopped in the first place. That doesn’t mean I didn’t care about them, it doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt when it ended and it sure as hell doesn’t mean getting over them was easy while trying to move on to someone new.

I’d look at other people’s relationships and feel insecure about love and myself. Feelings of jealousy, insecurity and fear would flood my mind. I’d constantly question why I wasn’t good enough or why no one loved me. I felt I wasn’t good enough to make someone want to stay. I would get so wrapped up and worried because I’ve been single for so long and I didn’t see any sign of that changing.

It made me hate myself, which is what started the self-crippling cycle of dating shitty men. The only thing I could feel was self-pity in a world of perfect Instagram relationships. It seemed like half of my friends were getting engaged, married, buying houses, having children, traveling together – everything that I wanted that I wasn’t experiencing.

Everything became negative in my life. My mindset became toxic. All I’d talk about is how I’m alone, my self-deprecating humor became exhausted and I wasn’t fun to hang out with. I’d become attached to guys too quickly who didn’t care about me. I’d change who I was to try to be who I thought they wanted me to be. I felt too big, too much, too out of place, like I didn’t belong anywhere with anyone. Everything about me was wrong, so I needed to change it. Jealousy is never a good look and it’s all I wore.

I wanted to have someone to talk about, someone to make me seem like my life isn’t so empty and that’s what I tried to do for so long. I tried to make something out of nothing. I tried to convince someone to stay but I eventually learned beginning someone to stay is only prolonging their leaving.

I was venting to my friend about how everything was terrible, how I stopped hearing from another guy, how I didn’t understand why this kept happening and it pushed her to her breaking point with me.

“Shut the fuck up.” She said, without a hint of reservation or remorse. And in that moment I knew I needed to change.

So I did, and here’s how…

I realized I was the toxic person in my life and started working with a life coach. I was bringing everyone else down with my terrible attitude on life and men. Instead of silently suffering from my choices I was choosing to drag everyone else down with me, which is absolutely not fair. I started talking to a life coach (if anyone needs any recommendations, I have the BEST one) and we really worked on adjusting my mindset about myself and dating. She made me aware of tendencies I had, like that I’d fall for men I probably wouldn’t like otherwise when I had sex with them before really knowing them. Having someone unbiased to work through things like this can be very rewarding.
I accepted being single. I knew I wasn’t going to find the right person by putting all that negativity out into the world. I was looking for someone to fill my void, someone to post a photo with on Instagram and show off to the world. I wanted to stop feeling jealous of all my friends and their relationships. I cared more about not being alone than I did about being happy, and that’s where I went wrong. Dating those men made me feel like I was even more alone than I would have felt if I just accepted where I was at and being alone. I changed my mindset to accept that being single isn’t a bad thing and I made a conscious decision to just start having fun. I started dating with no expectations. I started going into dates with the idea that maybe I won’t like them and that’s okay. I don’t have to like everyone and everyone doesn’t have to like me, and that’s absolutely fine! Once I adjusted my mindset everything felt lighter and easier.
I accepted that I did deserve love. I told myself I did deserve love, that I was enough the way I am, I learned to love my body and learned to love myself. Every day isn’t easy, it’s a process I continue to work on. I stopped changing myself and once I started accepting who I am I realized I could be happy for others instead of feeling overwhelmed with jealousy from lacking what others had.

Transitioning out of this mindset and changing my toxic behaviors wasn’t easy. For months I struggled with finding myself falling back into old habits but each month I saw progress. Slowly but surely I stopped dating assholes and started dating men who would treat me the way I knew I deserved deep down, which led me to my current boyfriend who is an absolute angel.

Recommended next story: 10 Ways to Keep Your Self-Esteem High While Dating

Learning Self-Love During Swimsuit Season

August 13, 2018January 22, 2024 by Kate Oczypokin Body, LOVE, Wellness

I’ve always been a bigger person and being in a bathing suit has often made me self conscious.

Ever since I was little, I’ve always been bigger than my peers. Now that I’m in my 30s, it’s something I’ve gotten used to over time and have fully embraced now that the body positive movement is so prevalent.

My journey toward self-love in a bathing suit was a long, but ultimately fulfilling one.

11 in my Leopard Plus Print

Growing up, boutiques like Charlotte Russe and Wet Seal were out of the question. In middle school I was well off the charts for both height and weight, which ultimately gave my mom the only choice but to try taking me to Macy’s. Back then, the only plus-size options were in the women’s department. The options were slim. I remember standing in a dressing room at about 11 years old, trying on a leopard print tank suit. I noticed the label on the suit said it had a “bust minimizer.” I was 11 and barely had a bust, why did I need a bust minimizer? It was frustrating and made me sad. You know that scene from This is Us where Kate wore a t-shirt at the pool around the same age? It definitely made me emotional because I identified with it so much.

My mom later ended up cutting out the minimizer so I could feel like the small hills I did have for breasts meant something. At 11, that meant a lot to me. I still remember feeling like I didn’t love my bathing suit. Compared to my peers, I was in a leopard-print suit while they donned bright colors and Lisa Frank bikinis. Since I didn’t love my suit, my confidence was definitely not the best.

Sweet 16, Self Conscious Pool Party

Despite not being comfortable in a bathing suit, I still chose to have my 16th birthday party as a pool party. My parents had built a backyard pool four years prior, and I longed to have a Sweet 16 just like I saw in the movies. I convinced them to hire a DJ and let me invite 30 friends. N’SYNC, Britney, Christina and the Backstreet Boys blared from speakers on our patio and the pool was hopping. I wanted to wear a chic blue halter-style tankini and felt just the teensiest bit confident in it.

Once my friends came and cover-ups started coming off I was immediately self-conscious. The truth is, we were all different body shapes and types but to my 16-year-old self, I was the nearly six-foot-tall, 280 lb. giant.

During the party, we played Truth or Dare and Seven Minutes in Heaven (okay more like three) in this gigantic inflatable rocket float that you could climb inside. My friends tried to no avail to get my crush to go into the rocket with me but he refused. I wanted desperately to have my first kiss and wondered if maybe I’d have to continue waiting impatiently. There was just something so special about getting my first kiss on my 16th birthday though.

After cake and ice cream (where most of my photos have me crossing my arms over my stomach), a male friend of mine at the party approached me and said he’d heard I didn’t get my first kiss. He asked to give it to me instead. I briefly considered saying no, as it wasn’t someone I was romantically attracted to, but I let my teenage hormones take the lead. I said yes and that kiss, that pizza and Surge soda tasting kiss, helped me become slightly less self conscious about my body.

Body Positive Now

It’s been 22 summers since that day I spent in a dressing room with my leopard print tank suit. I bought my first bikini a couple years ago from Forever 21’s plus-size department. I was so scared to wear it to my apartment complex’s pool. The thin stripe of my stomach that hadn’t seen the light of day for decades made me so nervous. I realized though that what was important was that the two piece suit made me happy. For once, I actually felt confident in a bathing suit.

In recent years, the body positive movement has taken off. I admire women like Hunter McGrady and Tess Holliday and have personally had the opportunity to interview Chrissy Metz and speak with Ashley Graham at a party. I even nerded out and asked her for a picture that day—see below.

I am so grateful I can sign onto social media and see girls who look like me celebrated. Even more importantly, I am glad middle and high school girls have access to much better fashion than I did and gorgeous, smart, talented and kind women like these ladies to look up to. I’ve learned that everybody and every body deserves to be in a swimsuit.

Not to sound cliché, but life’s too short to care about what other people think of you as you’re sipping a margarita poolside with your best friends. Don’t miss out on making memories because you’re embarrassed about thighs that touch, a flat chest or a full belly. It took me some time, but I know now most people embrace others no matter what they look like. Summer is meant for fun so don’t stop having it because of a body hang up. You know what the kids say these days…YOLO.

Learning self-love is hard, especially during swimsuit season

Sometimes, it’s hard to put on that bathing suit. Girls are so hard on themselves, author Kate Oczypok included.

Kate takes us on her journey learning to love her body in a swimsuit.

Want to read more on the body positive movement? Check out this piece on how big girls should be able to wear bikinis.

8 Ways To Stop Letting Your Insecurities In Relationships Outweigh The Good

August 21, 2018January 22, 2024 by Becca Martinin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

How to stop letting your doubts ruin your relationships.

I do this thing where I bring old relationships, fears, insecurities and past traumas into current relationships which I should absolutely not do – no one should. My boyfriend is nothing like guys I’ve dated in the past yet I still become fearful of the same things.

My current relationship is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in yet I find myself having worries that he will just decide to up and leave one day because I’m used to being left or having things not work out. I tend to be a lot, it’s no secret, I want constant attention and can be needy, and that scares me because I know that can easily be a turn-off. I fear that there are times when I am too much even when he assures that I am not. It’s a personal insecurity that no one has ever said to me but one I’ve built up in my mind.

I begin defining myself by the bad instead of the good. I look at the areas I lack instead of the areas that I thrive. I don’t see all the good I do for him, only the bad. It’s what sticks in my mind.

Seeing the bad is an insecurity of mine and there are times I let it consume me. I think this tends to be a common theme in life – to let the bad outweigh the good. We easily forget about the good and hang on to the bad things that happen.

You can easily forget that your partner loves you if they miss an important event in your life because you’re so focused on the sad emotion you’re feeling (which is valid).

It can also be easy to blame them and feel unloved when they fall short of uncommunicated expectations. We can hang on to these bad and negative emotions and bring them up long after the exact situation has been resolved because the negative feelings outlast the good.

The same goes for friendships. If your friends promised she’d go to dinner with you on Tuesday at 7 and texted you at 6 and said she wasn’t feeling it anymore you’d be disappointed. You’d harbor that disappointment and in the future, you will be wary of making plans with her and having her cancel.

We harbor the bad, in ourselves and in our relationships. We often see where others fall short and hang on to that because we tell ourselves that we wouldn’t do that.

There are some ways that I’ve found helpful to stop defining yourself and your relationships by the bad instead of the good.

Start writing down the moments that make you happy. Maybe your boyfriend surprised you with flowers. Maybe your friend paid for your coffee. Maybe a stranger complimented you. Everything that made you feel good is something that you should write down and look back when you don’t feel loved and you’re feeling insecure. Those specific instances will remind you just how much love you have in your life.
Don’t self-sabotage relationships. I was dating a guy once who lived in a different town than I did. I was going on a camping trip that he couldn’t come to because of work and stopped to see him on my way and planned to stop on my way back through his town. I was extremely hurt and disappointed because I texted him that Sunday morning and said I was excited to see him in a few hours. He replied back that he couldn’t hang out anymore because he got called into work. I was pissed, very sad and hurt that he didn’t text me to let me know he got called in before I texted him. I was being short with him, as you do when you’re petty, and my friend looked at me and told me not to self-sabotage this relationship because maybe he just got called in and forgot to text me. At the time I couldn’t see that all I could see was that he didn’t text me to let me know and I was upset I wouldn’t get to see him. Don’t let your emotions or doubts ruin things for you. Give people the benefit of the doubt.
Don’t get in your own head. Like I said above, I feel needy and too much in relationships but no one has ever actually said that to me. It’s a way I’ve labeled myself. My boyfriend often asks me why I say those things and I reply that I’m not actually sure, it just feels that way. It could have been something he never noticed but now there’s a chance he could associate me that way. It’s a good habit to get in to break the negative thoughts associated with yourself. We tend to be our own worst critics.
Express gratitude. It sounds so simple but it’s often forgotten. It can be easier to complain and start to take the people in our life for granted. Gratitude helps us recognize the good in people and appreciate their actions. If your partner cooked you dinner and that is something they rarely do let them know you’re thankful, even if it’s not good and you could have done it better. Don’t make them feel bad because you wouldn’t like if roles were reversed.
Work on yourself and your happiness. Happiness starts with you. Of course, your emotions are often swayed by others but it has to start within. Find what works for you to find peace inside and practice self-love. For me, it was working with a life coach. It’s something I’ve done for over a year and throughout the year I’ve tremendously changed my mindset and become happier. I had to put in work and work on adjusting my mindset but it’s made worlds of difference.
Realize you do deserve good things and love. I think part of the reason I still am fearful of my boyfriend leaving is that I’ve never felt good enough because nothing else has worked out for the past six years. I’ve felt like I must be unloveable so I had a difficult time accepting that he’s here because he loves me for me and wants to be here. You deserve good love, as do I. The biggest struggle is actually believing that but you should because it’s true.
Accept that you can’t be everything for your partner and acknowledge why you shouldn’t try to be. I have a lot of friends who try to be everything for their partner – their golf partner, their hiking partner, their caretaker, their best friend, their personal chef, their accountant, and so on. You can’t be everything for your partner and you shouldn’t try to be. You should let them have their own outlets that don’t involve you. You have to realize this doesn’t mean they don’t love you or appreciate what you do for them but they also need other outlets. You should not be everything to them and they should not be everything to you. No one should be your everything, it’s not healthy.
Learn to appreciate the stability and OK moments of life. Part of life is learning to be okay with moments that are boring. Things at the beginning of relationships are all butterflies and fun. When those things wear off and it becomes more real I think it’s important to focus on the long-lasting connection. Don’t think that just because those tingles are gone that they’re not your soulmate, it’s important to accept those boring moments are more so about being content with each other.

Check out this related article: How I Came to Peace With My Jealousy of Others’ Relationships

7 Life Lessons I Learned About Men From My Two Best Friends

September 1, 2018January 22, 2024 by Kate Oczypokin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Some of my greatest life lessons about men I’ve learned from two of my greatest friends.

From tough love to being emotional to not caring about what other people think, I spent my 20s figuring out who I was and learning a lot about the opposite sex, all because of the great relationships I forged with my two best friends, who happened to be male.

Here are just a few of the many things I’ve learned about men from my two wonderful friends.

1. Tough Love

I grew up with three sisters, so I know the art of tactful criticism. While they helped me decide what outfits looked best (or chuckled as I went out of the house in atrocious getups), it was my two best male friends who really got me out of my comfort zone to try new things. While women are encouraging and plenty do provide such “tough” love I write about, with men it was a blunt sense of me facing my fears and a simple yes or no if I was going to conquer something.

I’ll never forget when we were all just a few years out of college. One of my friends and I met for burgers at a local place we enjoyed when we were in school. Afterwards, we walked up into the parking lot and he got into the passenger seat of the car. I questioned what he was doing and he said “drive around the parking lot and then I’ll take you home.” He knew that I had never really learned how to drive when I was 16 and was always too scared. He knew I had my permit and had never bothered to keep trying for my license.

A year or so later, my other friend offered to give me driving lessons. I was so scared one evening to drive on some main roads back to my apartment but my friend refused to do it. He said I had to try at least once. He even played Miley Cyrus’s “The Climb” to make me laugh and feel more at ease.

If it wasn’t for these two pushing me to do something I was terrified of, I would’ve never gotten my license (at 27, but still!).

2. Men can be deeply emotional.

There are so many stereotypes out there that men aren’t emotional creatures. There are countless shows and movies where men don’t share their feelings and instead just feel like sitting in front of the television and would rather “watch the game” instead.

I learned that is definitely not true. In the simplest of moments, men can be very emotional. On the way to get frozen yogurt years ago, one of my friends picked me up and told me to check his glove compartment; he wanted to get my opinion on something. I opened it up carefully and saw a ring box. He was so excited about asking his girlfriend to marry him that he relayed what he was going to do and wanted to show me how the ring looked. It was beautiful (and so was the proposal!) and five years later they are still deeply in love.

My other friend also had quiet moments of emotion, whether it was calling me in tears when his grandfather had passed, or being on the phone with me for hours in college and just out of school, talking about everything from relationships, our thoughts on the opposite sex, adoption, our families and more.

3. Men don’t care what other people think.

I spent my 20s constantly worried about what others thought about me. I wanted to be like the women I saw in magazines and would constantly compare myself to others. More often than not, when my friends would comment that they thought another woman was attractive, I would start obsessively wondering what made her attractive and how I could emulate that. My thought process was “they’re men, they like that, that’s what men want.”

It wasn’t until they finally blurted out “we like you for who you are!” (more than once) that I woke up. They told me part of what made them like me was that I was true to myself and my own person. I realized I shouldn’t change for what I think is a standard of attractiveness. After all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right?

4. Men can be more weary of men than women are.

Any date I went on, I knew I could count on my two BFFs to have my back. Whether questioning why a guy I was with wouldn’t get too close (he turned out to be gay) or warning me not to get too close because “guys can be stupid,” I knew I could rely on them to help me navigate my love life.

One particular example was when I met a guy at a Christmas party and later got drinks with him after the holidays. It was late, after a work event, and the guy walked me back to my apartment. He tried to go farther than I wanted so I ultimately ended up sending him away and he ghosted me. When he left that night, I remember checking my phone and seeing lots of missed calls and text messages. The two were wondering if I was okay because I hadn’t texted or called. When I filled them in, they both were relieved and said they knew he seemed a little shady. Leave it to my guys to be a better judge of male character than I was that night!

5. Sometimes men just need to be by themselves.

This lesson has helped me immensely in my current relationship. As a young woman, I frequently craved social interaction. I wanted to over-analyze everything and chat about nothing. At first, I would get upset when my friends would say they needed time to be by themselves. I would be frustrated and upset if they would cave on plans and instead I’d find out they went somewhere by themselves.

My one friend nicknamed some of his solo outings “solo creeps.” He explained that they helped him clear his head and just get out and away from people for a bit. He would come back refreshed and happier. I began to understand and now have adopted the outing a bit for myself—I often see movies alone or go out for breakfast by myself.

6. Men care more about how they look than you think.

Before I became so close to my friends, I spent my teenage years thinking like Cher Horowitz in Clueless, that men don’t care about how they dress. This is indeed not true—I can’t tell you how many conversations I had about different articles of clothing, a certain haircut they had and more with my guy friends.

7. Men don’t sweat the small stuff.

This was a huge one in my 20s. I remember getting a horrible haircut and being so upset, I swore I’d wear my hair in a ponytail for weeks—it was already bad enough my head was too big to wear a hat. I took my hair down from my ponytail and my friends both agreed they couldn’t tell a single difference in my appearance. My mouth dropped in disbelief.

Sometimes when little things would go wrong in our plans, I would get so upset. The easy, breezy air my friends had made me realize that little things are really not worth worrying about.

Now I remember back to those days whenever little things start getting under my skin. By not sweating the small stuff, I’m ultimately a lot happier.

Want to read more on relationships? Check out this piece about not letting your insecurities get the best of you.

Wedding Planning Woes: Questioning Traditions that Separate the Bride and Groom

September 6, 2018January 22, 2024 by Jillian Pretzelin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

I was on a mission to make our wedding more modern, more inclusive, more about “us.”

When I got engaged, I started planning my wedding right away.

Before I knew it, I was waist-deep in Pinterest boards, bridal magazines, and cake samples—and loving it. There was just one problem: in all my planning, I realized that there were a lot of wedding traditions that I didn’t like. Or, at least, didn’t connect with.

Of course, I knew that some wedding traditions are old-fashioned (looking at you bride-wears-virginal-white), but I was prepared for that.

What I wasn’t prepared for was how many traditions separated the bride and groom.

Between the separate bachelor/bachelorette parties, ladies-only wedding dress shopping excursions, and even the tradition of not seeing each other the day of the wedding, I felt like my fiancé and I were being pushed away from each other. Which, call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure is the opposite of what’s supposed to happen with a wedding.

Between a bridal shower, bachelorette party, and more, I would spend a lot of time with my mom and my friends, but I really wanted my future husband to be there too. It was our wedding and I wanted to share every experience leading up to it with him.

In my frustration and (moderate) case of wedding planning mania, I did some Googling. I wanted to find out where these separation traditions came from in the first place. As it turns out, back when most of these practices started, it was common for couples to only know each other for a short period of time before getting married, if they’d even met at all.

So, It makes sense that the couple would spend more time with their friends and family than they would with each other (after all- they likely knew their friends better than their future spouse).

But these days, people date for a long time. My husband and I were together for nearly a decade before we got engaged, so when it came to wedding plans and pre-wedding parties we decided to do things a little differently.

Here are some of the things we did to put a twist on wedding traditions, making our wedding more modern and more about us.

1. Shopping for the dress together.

I know that it’s supposed to be bad luck to see the bride’s dress before the wedding, but I was willing to take that risk.

I wanted my husband to help me dress shop because I knew he’d be good at it. He’s always been pretty stylish and he has a good eye for what looks good (and bad) on me.

Plus, I didn’t want to (potentially) spend thousands of dollars on a dress without at least getting his opinion on it. If seeing the dress before the wedding was bad luck, spending lots of money on an outfit the groom hated had to be even worse.

We ended up going to a few different shops and, while I felt like dress shopping took a long time, having my fiancé there made it so much fun. Shopping for a dress can be stressful and it was nice to be able to talk to my future husband about it, look at pictures together, and get his opinion on different styles. I wanted the wedding to be about both of us, and both of our tastes, and I was happy my dress was included in that.

I know you might be thinking that maybe some grooms won’t care that much about what their brides wear, or that they won’t be able to pick up on subtle differences between dresses (to be fair- I was useless when trying to help my husband pick out a suit). But at the end of the day I loved having the experience of shopping together and it made me feel even more confident with my dress.

2. Throwing a duel wedding shower.

When it came time for my bridal shower, I had decided that I wanted a more traditional shower- just me and all our closest female friends and relatives. But lots of couples think it’s even better to do it together. And I think they’re on to something.

While I had a more traditional bridal shower, my husband and I also threw a duel engagement party. Right after we got engaged, we invited our closest family and friends over for drinks and appetizers to kick off our marriage celebration. It was a great way for our families to get to know each other, and it felt good to have a casual pre-wedding celebration we could enjoy together.

3. Choosing decor and decorations as a team.

Maybe it’s not necessarily a written tradition, but after seeing a lot of friends get married, I realized that a lot of times the bride plans the bulk of the wedding and makes almost all the style decisions. I thought that sounded unfair: I didn’t want to plan a whole wedding by myself and I also didn’t want to leave my fiancé’s style out of our big day.

In the end, we found that we were able to do almost everything together.

We went on every venue tour together, we looked on Pinterest for flower ideas together, and even picked out wedding favors together (we decided on cookies- they were delicious). In the end, it was a great way to practice making decisions as a couple and we got to spend some quality time together looking forward to our big day.

4. A combined bachelor/bachelorette party.

The idea of a “last fling before the ring” or “last night of freedom” seemed so unnatural to me. My husband and I have never been big party-goers, but when we do go out, we’re always together. We liked the idea of going out with our friends for a “girl’s night” or “guy’s night” but we decided that this particular party was in celebration of our wedding, and we wanted to be together.

In the end, the two of us, plus all the bridesmaids and groomsmen, rented a house for a weekend-long pool party—and had a ton of fun. It was a great way to let the bridal party get to know each other before the wedding and it was a chance for my future husband and I to spend some relaxing quality time together before getting back to wedding planning.

5. Walking down the aisle together.

There’s nothing quite like those pictures of the groom getting teary eyed as he watches his bride come down the aisle… but I found that walking down the aisle together is just as special.

I always hated the idea of being walked down the aisle and being “given away.” It just wasn’t something I was comfortable with—so I decided early on that I didn’t want to have a parent walk with me. To make matters worse, I can get pretty bad stage fright and didn’t love the idea of walking down the aisle alone (with everyone looking at me).

In the end, my fiancé and I decided that we should walk down the aisle together. We felt that it symbolized our togetherness and support for one another, and we liked that it was a little different from the tradition. As an added bonus, I loved having a quiet moment alone with my soon-to-be husband outside the venue, peeking in at everyone in their seats, before we walked in.

6. Writing your ceremony together.

Just because others use those classic vows doesn’t mean you have to. In fact, it could feel even more special if you write your own together.

Of course, some religious ceremonies will have a set script, but when you can personalize your ceremony, I say do it. When we were getting ready for our ceremony, our officiant sent us a few different ceremony scripts to choose, combine, and change as we pleased. My fiancé and I sat down at the computer one night and cut and paste together an original ceremony that we thought fit us.

We loved how personal our ceremony was and, on top of that, we had fun working on them together.

7. Spending the wedding day together.

It’s tradition to have the bride and groom in separate rooms before the wedding, but it’s your special day, and you deserve to enjoy it together.

You might want to have breakfast together, get ready together, or just set aside a good amount of time for pictures before the ceremony. My husband and I loved taking pictures before our wedding because it gave us some time to enjoy each other’s company before our guests arrived. Seeing each other helped us both stay calm before the ceremony and we were so thankful for the extra time together on our wedding day.

Time goes by so quickly during the ceremony, and before you know it, the reception is over. That time of excitement spent together before the ceremony might just end up being what you cherish most.

There are so many wedding traditions… but that doesn’t mean you have to follow every one of them. You’ll find that the best wedding memories are the ones you and your spouse share together, so don’t be afraid to put a twist on tradition and make your wedding your own.

Arranged Marriages and Problem Solving: Is TV’s ‘Married at First Sight’ on to Something?

September 28, 2018January 22, 2024 by Jillian Pretzelin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

It might seem like just another reality show… but Married at First Sight brings up important points about love and relationships.

Recently I’ve been obsessed with Lifetime’s hit Married at First Sight, now in its 7th season. In this reality show, relationship experts match three sets of strangers who have agreed to meet (and marry) their future spouse at the altar. The show follows the first months of their marriages, and in the final episode, the couples decide if they want to stay married or get a divorce.

At first, the show’s concept sounded absurd to me.

It used to be that reality shows were about answering quiz questions or eating worms… not getting married. Sure, there were relationship shows— but signing up to play The Dating Game or going on NEXT was one thing. Getting legally married on TV? To a stranger? That’s another.

But after watching a few episodes, I started to think that maybe these couples aren’t so crazy after all. It occured to me that maybe this show was on to something. Here are the top four relationship lessons I learned from Married at First Sight:

1. Looks (really) aren’t everything

Over the years, I’ve watched a lot of single friends swipe left on potential matches because, “her hair is weird” or because, “I don’t like his nose.”

With all these dating apps where the picture pops up first, it’s almost too easy to make decisions based on appearance. But Married at First Sight proves that looks aren’t always a good indication of a good match.

Season 1 star Jamie didn’t like her husband when they first met. She wasn’t attracted to him physically and, on day one, considered giving up on her marriage. But it’s lucky she didn’t, because today, they’re one of the show’s greatest success stories. Jamie and Doug are one of the few couples from the show who are still married, and now they have a baby girl.

Meanwhile, Season 2 stars Davina and Sean were immediately attracted to each other when they met at their wedding—but things went bad quickly. They fought about where to live and ended up barely seeing each other over the course of the show. Their passion fizzled out and it was no surprise when they got a divorce.

Whether this changes the way you Tinder (or not) it’s definitely something to think about. It’s funny to think that if Jamie had first seen her now-husband Doug on a dating app, she would have swiped left and that would have been the end of it. But if Davina and Sean had seen each other on an app they probably would have been a match.

It’s proof that looks can be deceiving.

2. It doesn’t always matter how long you’ve been together

When it comes down to it, the show is simply about arranged marriages, a tradition that was very popular for many generations and is still practiced today. While a match maker can’t always guarantee marital bliss, there were (and are) many loving, life-long, arranged marriages.

But even if you’re not up for the whole arranged marriage thing, there’s a lot to be learned by watching these Married at First Sight couples because, as it turns out, their relationships aren’t that much different from many other new marriages.

They still have to worry about finances, their living situation, and family planning. They also set goals together and they enjoy their honeymoon phase… just like any other married couple. Of course, these TV spouses have the added challenge of not knowing each other well, and that can add a lot of stress, but a lot of their issues, problems, and even their joys are similar to ones any newly married couple would have.

When I started watching Married at First Sight, I thought I would have nothing in common with these people who were marrying strangers… after all, my husband and I were together for nearly ten years before we got married. But as it turns out, I definitely saw similarities.

When Ashley and Anthony from Season 5 were decorating their new place together with mementos from their wedding, it reminded me of the fun my husband and I had putting up wedding pictures. When Mia and Tristan from Season 7 first considered moving for Tristan’s work, it reminded me of how hard it was for my husband and I to decide to move.

Like anyone trying to make a life together, these new couples practice communicating, try to account for each others’ needs, and even learn how to best show affection. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter how long a couple has been dating, marriage will always carry new challenges, new perks, and plenty of changes.

3. In a relationship, and especially a marriage, it’s important to not give up too fast

Throughout the show, every couple hits roadblocks. They fight about where they’ll live and how many kids they want. They argue about families and chores and careers—all typical things for couples to clash on at one point or another—but that doesn’t make it any easier. Like many couples who are faced with one of their first big disagreements, they sometimes talk about calling it quits.

Of course, these Married at First Sight couples can’t do that so easily. They’re married (and, I suppose, have a TV contract) so they can’t simply walk out of each other’s lives. But in typical new relationships, a lot of people decide to do just that.

Shawniece and Jephte from Season 6 had some issues early on, mainly about Jephte not opening up. Shawniece would get frustrated and start saying that she couldn’t be in a relationship with Jephte if he didn’t change. There would be a lot of tension, like they were about to break up, but after a talk, or a counselling session with one of the show’s relationship experts, the problem would be solved and everything would be fine.

The problem, which had seemed like grounds for divorce at the time, ended up being nothing. In fact, a lot of times those fights ended up being an opportunity to bond and get to know each other better.

It’s important to remember that sometimes small arguments can seem like a big deal, but that doesn’t mean you’re incompatible or you can’t build a relationship. Shawniece and Jephte ended up staying together after the show ended, and now have a baby on the way.

4. Know when to not waste your time

While Shawniece and Jephte made it work, that doesn’t mean that sticking with a relationship is always the right choice. Some couples are simply not meant to be together, sometimes people change, and often breakups and divorces are the best option.

Season 6 couple Molly and Jonathan had a difficult time from the beginning. Molly didn’t feel comfortable getting physical, they had explosive fights, and it seemed like they never got along. So, it was no surprise when they decided to get divorced before the show ended.

They knew that the marriage wasn’t going to work and they didn’t want to waste their time. They came to the season finale to talk about their decision and left on good terms.

While there is value in not giving up on a relationship, of maximizing the best parts of your chemistry and not dwelling on your challenges, there is a point where a couple has to acknowledge when they’re simply not compatible.

While you may want to put all your energy and time into a relationship to try to make it work, sometimes you shouldn’t. And that’s okay.

These Married at First Sight stars took a big risk when they agreed to marry a stranger, and while most of us would never agree to get married at first sight, we can still learn something from these couples. Their relationships show viewers how to get passed differences, how to find and create love, and how to create a life together. Not every relationship is built to last, but some are worth fighting for, and I think, in the end, that’s all that really matters.

Why Young Hollywood is Getting Engaged and Married Super Early…Should You?

October 11, 2018January 22, 2024 by Kate Oczypokin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

You’ve seen the headlines—Pete and Ariana, Justin and Haley—young Hollywood seem to be getting engaged and married earlier than ever.

As someone who is most likely going to marry later in life, I was intrigued by the trend of young Hollywood starting to engage and marry young. It worked decades ago, will it work now? Here is an examination of young Hollywood and everything you’ll want to know about marrying young.

Here is an examination of young Hollywood and everything you’ll want to know about marrying young.

Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande

The Saturday Night Live star, 24, and singer had a quick courtship and within weeks were engaged. Davidson told Variety that he never planned to get married. He also never thought he’d meet anyone like Grande, calling her the “coolest, hottest, nicest person” he’s ever met. Davidson constantly gushes about how lucky he is to be engaged to Grande (most recently he appeared on the season premiere of SNL talking about it).

Grande, 25, has seemed just as equally smitten with Davidson. She named a song after him on her newest album Sweetener. She also admitted on an episode of The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon that she had a big crush on Davidson from the time she first met him while hosting SNL. She even joked to a manager that she would “marry him” one day.

Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin

The “Baby” singer, 24, and Baldwin, a model, married in mid September 2018 after almost a decade of being on-again, off-again. The two first met back in 2009 at The Today Show and were introduced by Baldwin’s dad Stephen. Baldwin, 24, and Bieber stayed in touch and by 2014, the two were denying that they were dating.

By January 2016, the two became “Insta” official. Throughout the next few years, Bieber and Baldwin went quiet, around the time he reignited his relationship with Selena Gomez. Finally, in May 2018 they became friendly again and four months later, they wed.

Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner and Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra

While Joe was 28 when he asked Turner to marry him. Turner, however, was just 21. The two became “official” in January 2017 when Turner Instagrammed a photo of Jonas holding a cigar on a boat in Miami.

News of the relationship came out officially in June 2017 when it was reported Joe was “taking the relationship very seriously.”

Joe’s brother Nick, 26, took the opposite route and asked the 10-years-his-senior actress Priyanka Chopra. Despite having four years left until he hits 30, Nick is known in his age group as mature.

Why might they be getting engaged and married young?

Think of it this way—many of us wait nowadays to marry in order to establish ourselves in our careers and earn money. Celebrities like Justin Bieber and the Jonas brothers may be engaged and married because they’ve found their success already at such a young age. They managed to make millions before even being eligible to vote or drive.

This article from E News said it best: famous people in their early 20s sort of grow up in reverse. While they were busy earning money we were teenagers with our first cell phones, watching the beginnings of reality TV.

If you’re worried about whether or not you’re settling down later in life, don’t fret. These celebrities never had their teenage years like we did. They grew up in the spotlight where every little move they made was scrutinized. We were allowed to mess up, date and become our own people with a sense of anonymity.

In fact, we are all actually in the majority. According to a Pew Research Center study, the median age of a first marriage in the country has risen to 27 and 29 for women and men. Four decades ago the ages were 20 and 23, respectively.

For celebs who crave traditionality, getting engaged and married may be one of the few “normal” things they do in their lives.

Is marrying young right for you?

If your significant other and you are young and thinking about getting married, it’s important to think about a few things before you take the plunge. To give you a bit of hope, a research study by the National Institutes of Health said that the ages of 22 to 25 is the alleged sweet spot to get married (so perhaps there’s hope for young Hollywood!).

Wanting kids is another reason for marrying young. Just think, you’re younger and most likely healthier and more energetic, making it easier to run after little ones.

While marrying young is often a controversial topic, it’s crucial to think not only about age when you decide to get engaged. Your partner should share similar values as you, be able to tell you everything and vice versa, respect you and make you strive to be the best version of yourself. After all, age really is just a number, right?