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Category: LOVE

A Foreign Affair… How to Navigate Your Differences

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Culture involves the beliefs, behaviors and values of a particular social group. Our cultural identity may include (but is not limited to) nationality, religion, gender, race, political affiliation, ethnicity and socioeconomic class.

We are not the product of a single culture, but several cultures. For example, you may simultaneously identify as a Midwestern, working-class, Mormon, Democrat, American male of mixed Caucasian and Filipino descent. Or, you may be an affluent, Southern, Vietnamese-born female Libertarian who was raised Buddhist and converted to Catholicism later in life.

These various influences can sometimes create challenges in intimate relationships with a person from a different cultural background. For that matter, even couples from seemingly similar cultures may still have to navigate differences. For example, two middle-class, African-American Protestants may still have polar opposite political views.

Keeping Differences from Causing Division

Understand and Explore

Inter-cultural relationships provide the opportunity to gain an in-depth appreciation of other customs. Celebrate the festivities unique to your partner’s homeland or religious tradition. Spend time getting to know his/her family. Savor the foods from your partner’s native country. You don’t necessarily have to adopt all of your significant other’s cultural practices. However, willingness to understand your partner’s culture demonstrates love and respect.

Respect Differences

Legitimate cultural differences exist and should not be glossed over; however, neither should these differences be blown out of proportion. If and when differing perspectives arise, seek to understand, rather than to judge.

Look for Commonalities

While it is important to be aware of culture differences, also look for common ground. Identify similar values, preferences and interests. You don’t have to share everything with your partner; however, sharing certain core values (such as honesty, hard work, charity, etc.) can help reduce tension in your relationship.

Keep What Matters Most to You

While understanding your partner’s culture is important, you shouldn’t feel pressured to discard cherished parts of your own cultural traditions. Inter-cultural relationships require compromise but should not force one party to abandon core parts of his/her identity.

Don’t Make Assumptions

You may be dating someone from a traditionally reserved culture; however, your partner may actually be quite extroverted. Don’t let cultural stereotypes dictate your understanding of your partner. Instead, let direct knowledge of your partner (his/her personality and opinions) inform your understanding. Additionally, some aspects of your partner’s cultural identity may be more (or less) important to him/her, so learn what matters most to your partner. Carefully discuss any expectations for the relationship and/or marriage that may be influenced by your upbringing; these factors may include perspectives on gender roles, intimacy, finances and the holidays.

Be Patient

While society is generally now more accepting of inter-cultural relationships, many families still object, especially in the beginning stages of the relationship. Some parents persist in this resistance, even to the point of disowning their children. However, most families become more accepting of such relationships over time. Often, concerns about inter-cultural (and in particular, inter-racial) relationships are couched in terms of the impact on any potential children. While, even today, multiracial children may still encounter certain challenges, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry notes that such children are likely to celebrate diversity and appreciate being brought up with the benefit of various cultures. If you initially encounter resistance from your family, try not to be too reactionary. Instead, patiently affirm to your family your respect for your partner and the specific things you value in him or her. Hopefully, they will grow to love your partner as much as you do.

Plan for the Future

Cultural differences often become more acute when it comes to getting married or having children. Once a relationship becomes serious, you may have to make important decisions about where the wedding will be held, if/where you will worship and how your children will be raised. For example, if your partner regularly attends church, but you want to continue going to synagogue, your choices might include: 1) attend your respective services alone 2) rotate the weeks you attend at each location or 3) go to both services each week together. Cultural differences can also affect parenting decisions such as discipline, helping your child define and understand his/her cultural identity and what language(s) will be spoken in the home.

Our culture is part of our worldview—and our worldview influences how we see everything, including relationships. Loving your partner means loving him/him for who he or she is and culture is a distinct part of that.

While cultural differences can introduce certain challenges, these challenges are certainly manageable within the context of respectful and supportive relationships.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Who Knew this LOVE Potion Actually Had Science to Back it Up

by zfortadminin LOVE

The box of chocolates used to be a first-date staple but has fallen out of fashion of late. Sarah Knapton, the Telegraph’s Science Editor explains why the tradition should be revived.

Turning up with a box of chocolates on a first date is about as naff as brandishing a bouquet of Tesco ‘seven-day fresh’ carnations.

Although the Milk Tray man charmed a generation of women into believing that stealthily depositing confectionary on a pillow was endearing (rather than criminally alarming), today’s calorie-counting singletons no longer want suitors proffering a tray of temptation.

Thus the chocolate box tradition seemed irrevocably consigned to the dustbin of history.

But wait! New research suggests that there could be something in it after all.

American academics at Purdue University found that tasting something sweet can increase the level of attraction you feel for a prospective partner.

Researchers tested the effect of sweet drinks and biscuits on a group of 180 volunteers and asked them to rate how alluring they viewed a potential date.

Intriguingly those who had the sugary treats were more interested in going out with the date than those who had stuck to water or crisps.

Scientists think that the same brain systems underlie sweet taste and feelings of love. Both trigger production of the pleasure chemical dopamine which may explain why we naturally crave both. They claim that activating one area, ‘may facilitate activation of the other.’

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A Valentine’s First Date? Why Not! Do’s and Don’ts

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

A guide to impressing your first date on the most romantic day of the year.

If you’ve asked a girl out on a first date on Valentine’s Day, then kudos to you, good sir – you have inexplicably doubled the amount of pressure a first date usually places on a man’s shoulders by holding it on the most romantic day of the year.

In doing so, you’re likely going to need a few tips to ensure that you make it through February 14th with your dignity in tact. Luckily, we here at Crave Online have compiled a list of Do’s and Don’ts that should see you through the date.

DO: Make a big deal out of your spontaneity.

Valentine’s Day is usually a date reserved for existing couples, not for two people who have only recently met. This is why you need to assure your date for the evening that you do not make a habit of going on first dates on Valentine’s Day, but rather it was something that you decided to do in this one specific instance because you are spontaneous and mad and any other quirky personality trait that women seem to go for.

DON’T: Make yourself seem desperate.

If you’ve asked out a girl you don’t really know on Valentine’s Day, then she likely had one of two reactions:

  1. She thought it was really sweet.
  2. She thought it was kind of weird and desperate, but decided to give you a chance anyway because you might have just been trying to be sweet.
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7 Tips to a Fun and Sexy Valentine’s Adventure Even Without Someone Special

by Lisa Lauretain LOVE

Go do something awesome for yourself. 

Many people, myself included, actually couldn’t care less about Valentine’s Day. However, I wasn’t always so carefree about it. I used to let it consume me. Back in high school I would get really depressed thinking that I’d never have anyone to share special times with. As I got older, I realized that Valentine’s Day, like most holidays, just wasn’t that important to me. So when my partner told me he was going to be out of town on the big day, I thought nothing of it. But then I realized, this day is still really important to some folks. So, I decided to compile a list of things that people can do on Valentine’s Day if they don’t have a partner(s), or won’t be able to spend it with who they want to spend it with.

  • Take yourself out to dinner.

    Maybe there’s a restaurant you’ve always wanted to try. Maybe said restaurant is on your bucket list but no one else you know has ever expressed interest. This is a perfect time to try it out! If you don’t feel like seeing a bunch of couples out on the town, avoid the opportunity for sadness or loneliness to sneak in by making it a lunch date instead. During the day, you’re less likely to feel anything but satisfied and full from a delicious meal.

  • Go for a walk in the park.

    If you have a hiking trail nearby, even better! Spending time alone, surrounded by nothing but nature and your own thoughts can be extremely therapeutic. It beats the heck out of sitting at home and watching the boobtube all day into the night. Plus, you’re burning calories, which means you can feel less guilty about the what’s next on the list..

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Girl Who Doesn’t Go Big On Valentine’s…How About You?

by Jennifer Ashley Greenein DATING ADVICE, LOVE

I have nothing against romance, love, or intimacy, in the least; I just enjoy doing things on my terms.

I’ve never been the type of girl who goes big for Valentine’s Day.

Scratch that. When I was a little girl, it was arguably my favorite holiday as I was nothing short of obsessed with those little conversation hearts.  I ate them as if they were about to be discontinued.  Now that I think of it, I’m pretty sure those hearts are majorly to blame for each of my cavities.  Fast forward to adult life, when the fun of exchanging Valentines with classmates (and hopefully your crush) is replaced with the pressure to buy into Hallmark’s idea of the “perfect” Valentine’s Day and you end up where I am, desperate to do anything else other than act romantic on this silly holiday.  Yes, anything.

Anticipation

My lack of anticipation around #Valentine’s Day could also be attributed to the years of #Valentine’s Days I spent as a waitress, mainly existing as a vehicle to ensure that some other couple enjoyed their evening together.  Call me cynical, but I just don’t agree with the notion of being forced to celebrate your relationship along with millions of other couples, on one specific day.

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I’m Taking Valentine’s Back: A Curable Romantic

by Virginia Jonesin LOVE

I have had an awful superstition about Valentine’s day. You?

Growing up, I loved Valentine’s day.  I really did.  I loved writing little cards for my friends, doling out the extra big cards to the kids I REALLY was nuts about, making little candy bags, decorating a shoebox mailbox to within an inch of its life.

I loved it as an adult, getting dressed up and going out with someone special.  I would make handmade cards for my friends at work and was generally a Valentine’s weirdo.  I loved Valentine’s day for both platonic and romantic love.  I loved having an excuse for telling people I cared about them.

One year, I got up at five in the morning and drove to a white-tiled tunnel in Portland.  It would get grimy from car exhaust and you could write in it.  I wrote KENNY BE MINE with a yellow sponge mop, knowing that the same Kenny would drive past it on the way to work and wonder if it was for him.  As it turns out, most of his office knew and teased him mercilessly.  But I loved doing it.

A few years later, I got asked out on a first date on Valentine’s day.  It was such a preposterously bad idea I agreed to it, like wearing a jumpsuit to a wedding.  We went out for drinks and I said, I heard you were still married, and he said yeah, but she doesn’t live here anymore.  At the time, I gave this a pass, but today I’d say if you ask a person if they’re married and they say yes, you shouldn’t continue to see them.

We got serious very quickly and were married a year later.

Ten years later, he asked me for a divorce on Valentine’s day, because he was seeing a friend of mine and he wanted her to live in the house where I lived and he thought it might get crowded.  I felt really blindsided.  I knew we weren’t the best marriage ever, but I thought we were functional.  I had hoped it would improve, but now it wouldn’t.

So, I moved out to Los Angeles, and got a stupid haircut, and did all the stuff divorced women are supposed to do.  Dated people who were too young for me.  Lived in a fancy apartment full of other divorced ladies.  Got many pedicures, bought myself flowers.  A year later on Valentine’s day, I was in Bangkok, Thailand, and my friend wrote me an email and said, hey, how you doin’, and I said, not that bad, and she said, are your text messages turned off, and I said yeah, it’s too expensive here, and she said Oh!  Well, we’ll talk when you get home.  So, when I landed at LAX, I finally turned on my text messages and my phone started going off like a slot machine bring barrring barrring barrring and for a second I thought, am I famous for something? So, I have all these messages because everyone wants to tell me that my husband got married on Valentine’s day, to the girl he left me for, on the radio, so that pretty much everyone I knew heard it.  True to form, he had married her in about a year.  Just likes being married, I guess.

This is his third marriage, and I wish the third wife the best of luck, because, you know, he cheated on the first two!  But probably they don’t need luck, because according to his facebook posts, their love is special.

One of the first things I learned when I got divorced, is that they’re all sad.  Even your friend who bitched about her husband constantly is sad when he’s not her husband anymore, because it’s a wish that didn’t come true, and a promise they couldn’t keep- so, when someone tells you they’re getting a divorce, please keep in mind that the correct response is never- that’s great!

Another of the gifts of being divorced is that it makes everything else seem not so bad.  It’s like bombing onstage in comedy, once you’ve truly tried to share your worldview with a roomful of people who want no part of it, once you’ve been talking onstage to just sheer, thick, unadulterated silence, and you survive that, you know you can survive a lot of things.  So, every traffic ticket or lost credit card I’ve had since then, I have real perspective on, like, well, I didn’t just get unceremoniously dumped!  It could absolutely be worse.  It always can.

For several years, I have had an awful superstition about Valentine’s day, and have panicked and ended relationships around then, and have regarded with suspicion it like you might give a wary eye to the corner where you had a bad car accident- it doesn’t mean it will happen again, but now you know that it could.

It’s been six years now, and my Valentine’s day breakup doesn’t strike me as tragic anymore, it’s just annoying, more like a papercut or a stubbed toe rather than a stabbing feeling in one’s chest.  It’s not Valentine’s day’s fault.  It’s just a dumb little holiday that the Romans started when they noticed that the weather was a little warmer and all the animals around them were doing it.  I can still love my friends.  I can still share feelings with a partner.  So, this is the year I’m taking it back.  I’m going to make dumb little cards and make romantic plans.  But I’m not going out to dinner.  That’s for suckers.

My Complex Life and Lessons Around Valentine’s Day

by Kelley Lynnin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

I wish you were more romantic. I wanted to feel special today, and you forgot.

On Superbowl Sunday in the year 2005, my then “boyfriend”, soon to be fiance and then husband, drove a Penske moving truck with his cat in his lap and his life in boxes, from Florida to New Jersey, to begin a new life with me. We had been through a 7-year long-distance relationship together, and after saving lots of money and doing lots of planning, the love of my life decided to finally make his move and leave his friends, family, and job as an EMT in Florida.

Ten days later, it was Valentine’s Day. Our first one as a couple, living together. Don was still unpacking his 50,000 boxes and thousands of various random items, life was chaotic, and we were both still getting used to the idea of being each other’s new “roommates.”

When Valentine’s Day came, the hopeless-romantic girl part of me took over, and I guess I expected my man to do something epic. I was picturing beautiful hand-written poetry or cards, gorgeous floral bouquets, a romantic gourmet dinner made by him (even though the man couldn’t boil water, literally), spontaneous slow-dancing in our living room, chocolate-covered strawberries (my favorite) being fed to me as we gazed into each other’s eyes; the works. I don’t know why, really. Maybe all the years of this Hallmark, commercial holiday had finally gotten to me. Maybe the pressures of society and seeing endless girls getting roses at the office and none for me, played on my heart. Maybe I was so depressed and sad in past Valentine’s Days, because I pretty much never had a Valentine, that I was convinced THIS was my year to finally reap the rewards of true love and romance.

I don’t know what made me expect and picture those things, but those things were not what I got. The spontaneous dancing never happened, and the flowers never came. Instead, my guy parked himself down on the worn-out couch, let out a big sigh, and exclaimed: “Damn. I’m exhausted.” I proceeded to run into the bathroom and cry.

“How could you forget Valentine’s Day?’,I selfishly wailed to him through the door. “I wish you were more romantic. I wanted to feel special today, and you forgot.” I continued to cry for way longer than was necessary, and then I made him feel really bad and really guilty for forgetting, on our first Valentine’s Day together. Now, looking back on this moment that I am NOT proud of, this would have been the perfect opportunity for my beloved, to grab his 500 million boxes and his cat, and run screaming away from me as fast as he possibly could, and into the arms of a normal woman, who is sane. It also would have been the perfect time for him to call me out on being a total whiny bitch about nothing. But he didn’t. That is not who he was. Ever. Instead, this dear man said very sincerely and genuinely and with a bit of a smirk: “Oh boy. I think I’m in trouble here. I’m sorry, sweetie. I just moved in and I was so tired from the move, it just slipped my mind. I promise I’ll do better next year. I won’t forget. I’m sorry.”

Later that year, we got engaged, and in 2006, we got married. Him forgetting Valentine’s Day became an ongoing joke with us throughout our almost 5 years together, and each year from then on, he would get me 2 cards instead of one, 2 bags of candy instead of one, and 2 bouquets of roses instead of one – all to make up for the “one” he forgot the first time around. When we laughed about it, which was often, I would ask him why he didn’t pack up his shit and leave me right then and there, to save himself from a life of living with an unappreciative girly-bitch. He laughed it off and said: “I will admit to getting a bit peeved when you said I’m not romantic. All I could think was: ‘Not romantic? I just packed up my entire LIFE and moved to freakin’ NEW JERSEY, for you!!! Who moves to New Jersey? This place sucks! You don’t get more romantic than THAT, woman!” This theme became such an inside joke for us in our time together, that he repeated that question as part of his self-written wedding vows to me. “My love for you sometimes defies all logic. After all, who moves to New Jersey? On purpose?” Our friends and family roared with laughter.

Now, today, five and a half years after my husband’s sudden death, it is Valentine’s. I can’t help but think about all the many ways in which I have changed since losing him, and all the many things I wish like hell I could tell him I’m sorry for. Before I knew my husband, I spent way too many years being upset and sad that I didn’t have anyone on Valentine’s Day. And then I DID have someone on Valentine’s Day, FINALLY! Not only did I have someone, I had someone who changed his life for me, changed where he was living for me, took a risk on love for me. And I didn’t appreciate it. Not that first year. I was too focused on my perception of what Valentine’s Day meant, and what I should be “getting” as a result of it. The whole time, the greatest gift of my life, was sitting right there on my couch, exhausted from just moving his entire life – for me. For us. From that day forward, the entire idea of Valentine’s Day, and love itself, changed for me. I started caring less about why he didn’t spontaneously get me flowers, and started seeing all the incredible things this man did for me every single day – things that matter. Now, I’m not going to bullshit anyone here. I am STILL a hopeless romantic. I love flowers, I love spontaneous dancing in the living room, and I’m still waiting for my gourmet romantic dinner – made with love from a person who cares about me. I still get giddy and silly-happy from all of those things.

But now, I appreciate those things with a fire I can’t quite explain. When the person I have feelings for sent me roses on my birthday this past fall, I couldn’t stop smiling. I also must have thanked him 17 times, minimum. It just never feels like enough times to say thank you or show my appreciation, because I can’t ever thank my husband again for all he did for me, and that breaks my heart.

I believe, truly, that one of the ways in which the people we love who have died, stay with us, is when we take on some of their best character traits. My husband was kind, big-hearted, and appreciative and aware of doing the small things that were actually big things. I have now become this way, and I am truly thankful whenever someone does something nice for me, especially when it is unexpected. He gave that gift to me, and that piece of him has stayed inside me, literally. My husband was not “romantic” in the way that most people would define that word. He was not the type of guy that would pick up flowers for no reason, or make me dinner. (Again, he was the worst cook in the universe, and he would often joke that if anything ever happened to him on the job and he didn’t come home, he promised he would send me my own personal chef.) But looking back now, the things that my husband did on a daily basis, were absolutely beyond incredible. Everyday that I’m alive, I wish I could thank him for doing these things. I wish I could tell him how much I appreciated all of it. I am honestly not sure if I told him that enough. It feels like I didn’t, and I hate that. All I can do now, is see what’s in front of me going forward, and recognize the kinds of things someone does for you, when you are their priority. When your happiness, is their priority.

This Valentine’s Day, I would love it so much if I were to get some flowers, and I would once again appreciate them on a whole new level. I would love some chocolate-covered strawberries or a thoughtful little card, letting me know I am being thought of by someone important to me. But even more than that, I will be looking for those little things that are actually the big things – and I will feel lucky to know love like that, and to have had love like that. I miss my husband every single day of my life, and this time of year it feels more raw, because we were jut starting our life together, and now that is a life that cannot be. I cannot ever tell him that I saw and I felt all the little, big things he did for me. But I can tell you. On this upcoming Valentine’s Day, I would like to list just a few of those unromantic, romantic things, that my beautiful husband did for me, every single day.

Maybe if I tell you all, he will somehow know, that he has forever changed my definition of romance, love, and Valentine’s Day, and that I am grateful for it. Thank you.

1. Always handed me the keys to his car with a full tank of gas, and the oil checked, so that Id be safe.
2. Often left himself with NO money in his wallet before work, so that he could give his last $10 to me.
3. Reminded me that I was beautiful, often, and meant it.
4. Helped me to the bathroom, and waited on me hand and foot for a whole week, when I threw out my back.
5. Held my hair and washed my face off with a washcloth when I was puking my guts out from a bad reaction to Percacet.
6. The way he looked at me when I was performing or speaking onstage, like he was in awe of me.
7. He asked for my dad’s permission to marry me.
8. The way he would do things he didn’t want to do (like taking 8 weeks of ballroom dancing lessons so we could do a Foxtrot at our wedding reception), just to make me happy.
9. The way he made me feel safe from everything scary in the world.
10. Holding my hand and explaining things in a calm voice to me, when I would freak out on airplanes.
11. I trusted him with my life. He would have taken a bullet for me, or given his life for me. No doubt.
12. Held my hand until I was asleep, and then longer.
13. He moved his life from Florida to New Jersey, one week before Valentine’s Day, because that’s what it was going to take to be with me.

I love you, sweet husband. Thank you for changing the way I see everything.

The Bully in You: How to Choose Love Talk over Critical Talk

by Clementine Francesin LOVE

Bullies exist. Sure. But, sometimes I think we are our own biggest bullies.

Think about it? If anyone were as mean to you as you are to yourself, would you want that person to remain in your life?

This kind of repeated, silent, antagonizing we do to ourselves every time we make a mistake affects our mood.  Although, verbally abusing yourself seems like a powerful thing, because you get to say the bad things before anyone else does, it doesn’t help you. So here is how can we choose love talk over critical talk….

  • You’re late.

Critical Talk:

What do you say yourself? I know I say things like, “Ugh you should have left earlier.” “You always do this.” “You’re irresponsible.” “It’s all your fault.” “Can’t you ever be on time for anything?” These are things others may say about you, or you may say about others, but usually behind their back.

Love Talk:

I arrived in perfect time for my participation. I will set my alarm 15 minutes ahead of what I usually do from now on. Arriving early is a good challenge that I will take on. I can choreograph my schedule so I have more time to get to places on time stress free.

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All This Focus on a Perfect Body and This Is What Men Are Really Looking At

by zfortadminin LOVE

When value intelligence in women far above large breasts and long legs, a Cambridge evolutionary biologist has claimed.

Although having a large bust and never-ending pins are deemed by western culture as the epitome of femininity, when choosing a mother for their children, men look for brains first,

Professor David Bainbridge, of the University of Cambridge said that intelligence is by far the most attractive quality for men looking for a long term partner because it demonstrates that his chosen partner is likely to be a responsible parent.

If men are honest, do they really prize intelligence over looks?

It also suggests she was brought by intelligent parents and so was likely to be well fed and looked after in childhood, and so healthier. It may explain why a man like George Clooney ended up marrying human rights barrister Amal Alamuddin.

Prof Bainbridge said men actually do not care how large breasts are as long as they are symmetrical while for legs, it only matters that they are straight, as bent, uneven legs suggest a developmental illness, like rickets.

“Breast size doesn’t matter,” he told the Hay Festival. “Actually large breasts are more likely to be asymmetric and men are more attracted to symmetry. And they look older more quickly, and men value youth.

“And men are not looking for long legs. Straight legs are a sign of genetic health so that is something that is more attractive, but surveys have shown most men prefer regular length.

“The main thing that men are looking for is intelligence. Surveys have shown time and time again that this is the first thing that men look for. It shows that she will be able to look after his children and that her parents were probably intelligent as well, suggesting that she was raised well.

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Love or Drugs: Do You Have an Addict Lover that Can’t Choose?

by zfortadminin LOVE

Love or Drugs?

A Hopeless Ultimatum: ‘It’s Me or the Drugs’.

When you love an addict, you spend a lot of time and energy hoping he or she will change. You probably put up with a lot of unacceptable behavior. The addict may steal from you, lie to you and make promises that he doesn’t keep. He or she may disappear for days on end and neglect you or other family members, including children. The person you fell in love with doesn’t seem to be there anymore.

You may reach a point that you feel you can’t take it anymore and you threaten to leave. You issue the ultimate threat:

It’s drugs or me.

You hope he’ll choose you. You expect him to choose you. Anyone who really loved you would choose you, wouldn’t he?

It’s not that simple.

The Nature of Addiction

The nature of addiction is that the addict is obsessed with using drugs. He chases the effect provided by drugs compulsively and on a level that is far beyond his control. No matter how much he wants to choose you, he can’t.

If he could simply choose to stop, he wouldn’t be an addict.

The urge to continue to use drugs is both psychological and physical. Attempts to discontinue use result in extremely unpleasant, even dangerous, side effects. If he tries to stop, he may experience shaking, sweating or a sense of extreme panic. In some cases, discontinuing drug use abruptly can lead to seizures or death.

When an addict uses drugs over a long period of time, he experiences changes to his brain. Levels of chemicals in the brain known as neurotransmitters are altered. Not only is the pleasure center of the brain affected, but there are also changes in the way the addict learns and makes decisions.

Experiencing life under the influence of chemicals is his new normal, and life without mind-altering drugs feels terribly abnormal to him. At this point, his relationship with drugs has become the most important relationship in his life. Anything that threatens that relationship is likely to be discarded, not because he wants to choose drugs over you, but because he has to. He truly doesn’t have a choice.

He will choose drugs over everything, not just his relationship with you. Drugs will come before his job, his friends, his other family members, his church, his goals, his dreams and even his basic survival tools such as food and water. He may forget to eat and may neglect personal hygiene.

Your Role in Breaking the Cycle of Addiction

Loving an addict is painful. You stand by helplessly watching your loved one destroy himself and you may feel hopeless. The more you scream, yell or threaten, the more he turns to drugs and tries to blame you. You may try to set limits and ultimatums to no avail and eventually you may decide to end the relationship if the addict won’t give up the drugs.

You are truly powerless over his addiction.

You can’t control or cure his addiction, but you may have some influence over him. Family members may join together for an intervention. If you follow through on ultimatums and threats and learn to stop enabling addictive behavior, there is a chance the addict will be willing to take steps to get help.

The most important thing you need to focus on is taking care of yourself. Put energy into focusing on your own life instead of trying to control him. Join a support group such as Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Learn as much as you can about the disease of addiction, and about your own codependence.

Although it is painful, remind yourself that if the addict chooses drugs over you, it’s not personal. If addicts could choose not to use drugs, they wouldn’t be addicts.

Choosing to stay in the relationship is a personal decision. As long as you live with an active addict, you need to get help and support for yourself. Offer as much love and support to yourself as you offer to the addict. Learn to set boundaries to protect yourself, and know that his rejection of you is caused by addiction, not absence of love.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Are You Compatible? Fighting and These Relationship Habits Can Tell You

by zfortadminin LOVE

Can you pass the compatibility test?

There are some pretty well-established relationship qualities that confirm you and your new partner are a match made in heaven: excellent communication, a feeling of giddiness and delight when you are together, a sense of ease and comfort. But what are the weirdest signs you’re compatible? At first sight, they might make you stop and scratch your head and say, “Hmm … really?” But after you stop and consider it for a little while, they actually start to make sense, even though they are certainly not normal conventions of what stellar relationships look like. It’s the wild and wacky stuff that just makes you good together, even though it maybe doesn’t completely make sense. That kind of stuff.

I reached out to dating and relationship experts to find out what kinds of things they’d nominate for this list, because all I could think of was a mutual love of Seinfeld, When Harry Met Sally, and long meals in bed. (Best match ever!) Here are 12 ways you can tell if you’re compatible with your partner that you’ve never thought of before. Take that, haters who secretly thought you’d never find the perfect, head-over-heels, drunk-in-love match of the gods!

1. You’re The Same Kind Of Shopper

Nope, didn’t see that one coming. “If you’re both bargain hunters, you’re more likely to be compatible than if one of you is a spender and the other a saver,” New-York–based relationship expert and author April Masini tells Bustle. Ohh. Yeah, that sounds about right.

“Money is a big deal in relationships, and shopping is a daily or weekly event, whether it’s just buying gas for the car, or food shopping, clothing shopping, shopping for a new car, a new condo or new furniture. When you have similar shopping habits, you’re less likely to fight over money and more likely to have an easier time together in a relationship.” So spendthrift + spendthrift = love, and miser + miser = love, but as for spendthrift + miser, well, ne’er the two shall meet. Got it.

2. Your Mutual Friends On Facebook Are Blowing Up

Do you have, like, 100 mutual buddies on FB? A lot of friends in common is a sign of mutual compatibility, life coach Kali Rogers tells Bustle. “Before online dating hit the internet, the majority of couples met through mutual friends,” she says “If you share a lot of the same network, chances are you share similar tastes and values, considering you hang out with a lot of the same people.” And this could lead to a happy, healthy relationship. Plus, you already know lots of each other’s friends, so you already have that part down pat. Easy-peasy.

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The 7 Most Frustrating Types You’ll Meet on Dating Sites

by Kelley Lynnin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Of course, there are many amazing single men out there looking for love but here are…

Five and a half years ago, at age 39, I was widowed suddenly. For a long time after that, I absolutely detested it when anyone would refer to me as being “single.” It was insulting to me. Single people hung out at singles bars and went out at night looking to meet other single people. Single people had a choice, or some version of a choice in their single-ness. Not me. My husband was dead. My life was ripped apart from me in one shocking second. I was widowed, NOT single, and there is a huge difference.

I didn’t want anything to do with the single life. I wanted no part of it. I just wanted my husband back. Now, years later, I still feel that way, because I still and will always want my husband back, and want that life that I had and never got to fulfill. But, I’m also human. And humans get lonely. Humans need to feel loved. Humans need companionship, and to spend time with other humans whose company they enjoy. So, sometime last spring, I attempted something I didn’t think I would ever attempt in my lifetime. And after my experiences, I honestly cant really see myself ever attempting it again. Dating sites.

To say this experiment has been interesting, is the understatement of the century. It has been downright weird and bizarre. Now don’t get me wrong. I have met some very nice people on these sites over the 10 months or so that I did it, here and there. But the weirdness and the confusion far outweigh the “nice”, at least in my experience. And the whole concept of meeting people this way, is extremely strange and foreign to me, still. Maybe because I am 45 years old. Maybe I’m just old school. Maybe this just doesn’t work for me. Or maybe its just weird and that’s just the way it is. I don’t really know. Yet here I am, stuck in this world of “unwillingly single.” And although I don’t have much interest in continuing to meet people this way currently, I have remained on 2 of the sites, mostly for comedic purposes (it sure gives great material for articles like this one!) If you are new to dating sites, one thing to take note of is that when you first join, you are like “fresh meat” for all the members. The responses are overwhelming at first, and yes, flattering. You start to think: “Hey, a lot of people think I’m attractive! This isn’t so bad!” Then you realize fairly quickly, that a good portion of those people are completely off-their-rocker-bonkers. After you are on the sites for a few months, the novelty wears off. Unless you are blonde and skinny with a perfectly sized body, all those multiple messages per day you were getting, telling you how gorgeous you are, start to wither away. So, even though I have remained on 2 of the sites, its mostly due to laziness of deleting my account. (I do the free ones. I’m not PAYING for this shit-fest!!!) The sites have been mostly silent as of late, aside from a random message now and then from a complete weirdo.

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What Men Find Sexy About You That You Would Never Guess

by zfortadminin LOVE, Sex

If you’re sure your man is turned off by your trackie bottoms or make-up-free-face, think again.

No Make-up

Apparently women spend more than #180,000 in a lifetime on beauty products, but Relate counsellor Mo Kurimbokus says we don’t need to. “When a woman doesn’t wear make-up, her natural beauty is on display. “Also, some men find it a huge turn-off to kiss a woman and find that they are smeared with lipstick. Make-up can sometimes act as a barrier rather than a come-on.”

Rounded stomachs

We’ve all craved abs like Geri Halliwell’s but men actually find a potbelly attractive. Mo says: “Men like women to feel soft and curvy, so a little potbelly can be a turn-on and give a woman that natural look. “If she’s not ‘perfect’, then he doesn’t feel he has to be either.”

Wrinkles

“Wrinkles bother women more than they do men, as they feel it often spells a loss of youth,” Mo says. “Wrinkles can spell experience, which can trigger thoughts of them having great sex together – a huge turn-on for him.”

Stretch Marks

Those silvery lines are the bane of most women’s lives but some men actually like them! Mo explains: “What really does it for a man is a woman who is natural. “Stretch marks remind a man of the child they created together and her commitment to him. It is also an intimate detail of a woman’s body that only he is privy to.”

Phoning Him When You’re Drunk

After a night out with the girls, a phone call to confess how much you miss him seems like a good idea at the time. But Simon Moore, Academic Leader in Psychology at London Metropolitan University, says: “Letting people know how you feel is both reassuring and attractive. We all like compliments.”

Drinking Pints

Gone are the days when your man orders a pint, with “a half for the lady”. Simon says: “Drinking what you want and not caring what people think show that you are confident with yourself and the choices you make in life.”

Small Boobs

It’s not all about glamour models for some men. Simon says: “Small breasts are usually pert and this is an indication of youth and physical health. Men are more wired to seek signs of youth and vitality, indicators that she could bear children.”

Mismatching Underwear

Most women save the lacy stuff for special occasions and opt for comfort. Relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall explains: “Men love catching you in mismatching underwear because it looks like you weren’t planning on having sex, but they’ve managed to persuade you.”

Smudged Make-up

This is something that happens when we forget to take our make-up off after a night out. Surprisingly, as Paula explains: “Men find this sexy because you look like you’ve just made love. It reminds them of how great the afterglow of sex feels.”

Walking Home From a Club in Bare Feet

Heels look fabulous, but won’t feel it after dancing. Psychologist Ingrid Collins says: “Bare feet have a hint of nudity. Walking barefoot suggests naturalness and a rebel against convention, and can clue a man in to fantasies of wildness.”

Grown-out Highlights

The upkeep on highlights can be huge, but maybe you shouldn’t bother. Paula explains: “Like women, men also like a bit of rough. The unkempt roots probably remind him of the girls his mum said he should avoid – which makes them doubly attractive.”

Getting the Punchline of a Joke Wrong

We’ve all been there, sitting in the pub, everyone listening intently as you run through the latest joke you heard at the office – until you forget the ending. Mo says: “Men can be intimidated by intellectual women, so getting it wrong makes her far less intimidating and they can relax in her company. It shows vulnerability and triggers his protective instinct.”

Women Who Are Good with Kids

If you reckon your man is rolling his eyes as you play with nieces and nephews, think again. Mo explains: “It gives him visual evidence that she is patient and caring, and reminds him of his mother’s unconditional love.”

Wearing Tracksuit Bottoms and a Baggy Shirt to Bed

When we pass a certain point in our relationship, going to bed in saucy nightwear is replaced with a need for comfort. Ingrid says: “Very casual clothes suggest the woman is relaxed and confident about herself, and a man can find this very sexy.”

Muffin Top

You might think skinny jeans are impossible to wear without getting that tell-tale roll of flab over the waistband. But, according to Paula, men think a little muffin top is cute.

“The curvy shape is synonymous with fertility so the soft fleshiness is tapping directly into his unconscious evolutionary desires.”

WHAT THE GUYS SAY

Christopher Nelson, 28, a claims adjuster from Wales, says: “I think it’s really sexy when a girl is good at banter and can give back as good as she gets.”

Andrew Widdowson, 27, a plasterer from Sheffield, says: “Bed hair is so sexy. My girlfriend looks great with it, and it reminds me of the amazing night we had before!”

Andrew Wellwood, 29, a salesman from Yorkshire, says: “I love those dimples on a girl’s back just above her bum. When they lean over and I can see them, it conjures up saucy images in my head.”

Mark Spence, 30, a writer from Belfast, says: “I think the sexiest part of my girl’s body is her neck, it looks really stroke-able. There’s nothing nicer or sweeter than nuzzling into your girlfriend’s neck.”

James Village, 27, a businessman from Manchester, says: “Girls who play with the hair at the back of their head are a real turn-on. It reveals their neck, which is a really sexy place on a woman.”

Gareth Carter, 35, an IT specialist from Preston, says: “I’m into racing and love the way my girlfriend comes with me, though she’s not interested. And all without moaning – unlike me when I go shopping with her.”

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

10 Ways Millennials Do Relationship but Don’t Date

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Is dating dead?

Not only is it challenging for Generation X to understand the new millennial mating rules of the 21st century, it’s difficult for millennials themselves to understand them, since there’s often so much grey area. Here, we try to define the terms explicitly, so we can all get on the same dating page. Even though dating is dead.

1. Dating or Going on Dates:

This does NOT happen anymore. It’s too old fashioned, too formal. The best you’ll get is coffee, a casual drink, or hanging out at someone’s house or apartment. If you want to be taken out to a nice dinner, take yourself. Even if people do get together in a way that an older generation would consider an official date, millennials will never call it a “date.”

2. “Talking”:

This means texting between two people who have a clear interest in one another in some romantic or sexual way, but who aren’t ready to make anything official. It may include face-to-face communication and/or sex, though it’s not a requirement. A.k.a. hanging out.

3. Hooking Up:

Some kind of early sexual exchange without commitment. This can be anything from intercourse to just making out, though it’s usually more NC-17 than PG. Hooking up, no matter how good the sex is or how many orgasms were had, does not determine or inform seriousness, exclusivity or commitment.

4. The Quick Jump:

After talking or hooking up, if both parties are interested in a relationship, they will eventually become significant others. There is no in between phase where they are going on dates. Things are quicker today: it’s a yes or a no, a few short weeks of being unofficial, followed by a serious relationship. There is an extreme casual and an extreme formal, and pretty much nothing in between.

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How an English Editor Ended Up with a Moroccan Tribesman

by zfortadminin LOVE

Publishing executive falls for Moroccan man she first planned to cast in a book

Now successfully wed to Abdellatif, a Berber tribesman from a mountain village

My best friend stared at me as if I had announced that an asteroid was about to obliterate life on Earth.

I had just told her that I was moving to Africa to marry a man I had met only six months previously, and her reaction was typical of the scepticism which greeted me whenever I told anyone about my exciting plan.

‘You’re utterly mad,’ she said. ‘You hardly know him. He could be a rapist, a conman, anything.’

My other friend Bruce’s reaction was initially one of surprise, too. ‘What?’ he asked, his eyes looking as if they might pop out of his head.
Bruce was my 28-year-old, 6ft 8in rock-climbing partner. We share a close but platonic friendship, and he was my companion on the trip to Morocco in 2005 which had resulted in my momentous decision to move there.

Deciding to move to North Africa had initially felt like a huge risk, but by the point where I was telling friends about it, I’d come to terms with the fear and was feeling steady again, and ready to make the move.

Sharing my news with friends and family felt like the first step of a long climb.

I’ve always had a bit of a wild streak, and I was never one of life’s fitters-in. Eschewing decent, steady men with proper jobs, I’d been involved with a succession of penniless poets, actors and singers.

They were charming, handsome and seductive, but not the sort of men with whom you could settle down. It was as if I deliberately chose the unsuitable ones in order to avoid commitment.

And, now, as far as my best friend was concerned, I had trumped them all.
It was easy to see why she might think this. After all, my inamorato, Abdellatif, was a Berber tribesman from a mountain village in south-west Morocco, who looked impossibly exotic in his native turban and robes.

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