Tag: romance

I’m Taking Valentine’s Back: A Curable Romantic

by Virginia Jonesin LOVE

I have had an awful superstition about Valentine’s day. You?

Growing up, I loved Valentine’s day.  I really did.  I loved writing little cards for my friends, doling out the extra big cards to the kids I REALLY was nuts about, making little candy bags, decorating a shoebox mailbox to within an inch of its life.

I loved it as an adult, getting dressed up and going out with someone special.  I would make handmade cards for my friends at work and was generally a Valentine’s weirdo.  I loved Valentine’s day for both platonic and romantic love.  I loved having an excuse for telling people I cared about them.

One year, I got up at five in the morning and drove to a white-tiled tunnel in Portland.  It would get grimy from car exhaust and you could write in it.  I wrote KENNY BE MINE with a yellow sponge mop, knowing that the same Kenny would drive past it on the way to work and wonder if it was for him.  As it turns out, most of his office knew and teased him mercilessly.  But I loved doing it.

A few years later, I got asked out on a first date on Valentine’s day.  It was such a preposterously bad idea I agreed to it, like wearing a jumpsuit to a wedding.  We went out for drinks and I said, I heard you were still married, and he said yeah, but she doesn’t live here anymore.  At the time, I gave this a pass, but today I’d say if you ask a person if they’re married and they say yes, you shouldn’t continue to see them.

We got serious very quickly and were married a year later.

Ten years later, he asked me for a divorce on Valentine’s day, because he was seeing a friend of mine and he wanted her to live in the house where I lived and he thought it might get crowded.  I felt really blindsided.  I knew we weren’t the best marriage ever, but I thought we were functional.  I had hoped it would improve, but now it wouldn’t.

So, I moved out to Los Angeles, and got a stupid haircut, and did all the stuff divorced women are supposed to do.  Dated people who were too young for me.  Lived in a fancy apartment full of other divorced ladies.  Got many pedicures, bought myself flowers.  A year later on Valentine’s day, I was in Bangkok, Thailand, and my friend wrote me an email and said, hey, how you doin’, and I said, not that bad, and she said, are your text messages turned off, and I said yeah, it’s too expensive here, and she said Oh!  Well, we’ll talk when you get home.  So, when I landed at LAX, I finally turned on my text messages and my phone started going off like a slot machine bring barrring barrring barrring and for a second I thought, am I famous for something? So, I have all these messages because everyone wants to tell me that my husband got married on Valentine’s day, to the girl he left me for, on the radio, so that pretty much everyone I knew heard it.  True to form, he had married her in about a year.  Just likes being married, I guess.

This is his third marriage, and I wish the third wife the best of luck, because, you know, he cheated on the first two!  But probably they don’t need luck, because according to his facebook posts, their love is special.

One of the first things I learned when I got divorced, is that they’re all sad.  Even your friend who bitched about her husband constantly is sad when he’s not her husband anymore, because it’s a wish that didn’t come true, and a promise they couldn’t keep- so, when someone tells you they’re getting a divorce, please keep in mind that the correct response is never- that’s great!

Another of the gifts of being divorced is that it makes everything else seem not so bad.  It’s like bombing onstage in comedy, once you’ve truly tried to share your worldview with a roomful of people who want no part of it, once you’ve been talking onstage to just sheer, thick, unadulterated silence, and you survive that, you know you can survive a lot of things.  So, every traffic ticket or lost credit card I’ve had since then, I have real perspective on, like, well, I didn’t just get unceremoniously dumped!  It could absolutely be worse.  It always can.

For several years, I have had an awful superstition about Valentine’s day, and have panicked and ended relationships around then, and have regarded with suspicion it like you might give a wary eye to the corner where you had a bad car accident- it doesn’t mean it will happen again, but now you know that it could.

It’s been six years now, and my Valentine’s day breakup doesn’t strike me as tragic anymore, it’s just annoying, more like a papercut or a stubbed toe rather than a stabbing feeling in one’s chest.  It’s not Valentine’s day’s fault.  It’s just a dumb little holiday that the Romans started when they noticed that the weather was a little warmer and all the animals around them were doing it.  I can still love my friends.  I can still share feelings with a partner.  So, this is the year I’m taking it back.  I’m going to make dumb little cards and make romantic plans.  But I’m not going out to dinner.  That’s for suckers.

My Complex Life and Lessons Around Valentine’s Day

by Kelley Lynnin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

I wish you were more romantic. I wanted to feel special today, and you forgot.

On Superbowl Sunday in the year 2005, my then “boyfriend”, soon to be fiance and then husband, drove a Penske moving truck with his cat in his lap and his life in boxes, from Florida to New Jersey, to begin a new life with me. We had been through a 7-year long-distance relationship together, and after saving lots of money and doing lots of planning, the love of my life decided to finally make his move and leave his friends, family, and job as an EMT in Florida.

Ten days later, it was Valentine’s Day. Our first one as a couple, living together. Don was still unpacking his 50,000 boxes and thousands of various random items, life was chaotic, and we were both still getting used to the idea of being each other’s new “roommates.”

When Valentine’s Day came, the hopeless-romantic girl part of me took over, and I guess I expected my man to do something epic. I was picturing beautiful hand-written poetry or cards, gorgeous floral bouquets, a romantic gourmet dinner made by him (even though the man couldn’t boil water, literally), spontaneous slow-dancing in our living room, chocolate-covered strawberries (my favorite) being fed to me as we gazed into each other’s eyes; the works. I don’t know why, really. Maybe all the years of this Hallmark, commercial holiday had finally gotten to me. Maybe the pressures of society and seeing endless girls getting roses at the office and none for me, played on my heart. Maybe I was so depressed and sad in past Valentine’s Days, because I pretty much never had a Valentine, that I was convinced THIS was my year to finally reap the rewards of true love and romance.

I don’t know what made me expect and picture those things, but those things were not what I got. The spontaneous dancing never happened, and the flowers never came. Instead, my guy parked himself down on the worn-out couch, let out a big sigh, and exclaimed: “Damn. I’m exhausted.” I proceeded to run into the bathroom and cry.

“How could you forget Valentine’s Day?’,I selfishly wailed to him through the door. “I wish you were more romantic. I wanted to feel special today, and you forgot.” I continued to cry for way longer than was necessary, and then I made him feel really bad and really guilty for forgetting, on our first Valentine’s Day together. Now, looking back on this moment that I am NOT proud of, this would have been the perfect opportunity for my beloved, to grab his 500 million boxes and his cat, and run screaming away from me as fast as he possibly could, and into the arms of a normal woman, who is sane. It also would have been the perfect time for him to call me out on being a total whiny bitch about nothing. But he didn’t. That is not who he was. Ever. Instead, this dear man said very sincerely and genuinely and with a bit of a smirk: “Oh boy. I think I’m in trouble here. I’m sorry, sweetie. I just moved in and I was so tired from the move, it just slipped my mind. I promise I’ll do better next year. I won’t forget. I’m sorry.”

Later that year, we got engaged, and in 2006, we got married. Him forgetting Valentine’s Day became an ongoing joke with us throughout our almost 5 years together, and each year from then on, he would get me 2 cards instead of one, 2 bags of candy instead of one, and 2 bouquets of roses instead of one – all to make up for the “one” he forgot the first time around. When we laughed about it, which was often, I would ask him why he didn’t pack up his shit and leave me right then and there, to save himself from a life of living with an unappreciative girly-bitch. He laughed it off and said: “I will admit to getting a bit peeved when you said I’m not romantic. All I could think was: ‘Not romantic? I just packed up my entire LIFE and moved to freakin’ NEW JERSEY, for you!!! Who moves to New Jersey? This place sucks! You don’t get more romantic than THAT, woman!” This theme became such an inside joke for us in our time together, that he repeated that question as part of his self-written wedding vows to me. “My love for you sometimes defies all logic. After all, who moves to New Jersey? On purpose?” Our friends and family roared with laughter.

Now, today, five and a half years after my husband’s sudden death, it is Valentine’s. I can’t help but think about all the many ways in which I have changed since losing him, and all the many things I wish like hell I could tell him I’m sorry for. Before I knew my husband, I spent way too many years being upset and sad that I didn’t have anyone on Valentine’s Day. And then I DID have someone on Valentine’s Day, FINALLY! Not only did I have someone, I had someone who changed his life for me, changed where he was living for me, took a risk on love for me. And I didn’t appreciate it. Not that first year. I was too focused on my perception of what Valentine’s Day meant, and what I should be “getting” as a result of it. The whole time, the greatest gift of my life, was sitting right there on my couch, exhausted from just moving his entire life – for me. For us. From that day forward, the entire idea of Valentine’s Day, and love itself, changed for me. I started caring less about why he didn’t spontaneously get me flowers, and started seeing all the incredible things this man did for me every single day – things that matter. Now, I’m not going to bullshit anyone here. I am STILL a hopeless romantic. I love flowers, I love spontaneous dancing in the living room, and I’m still waiting for my gourmet romantic dinner – made with love from a person who cares about me. I still get giddy and silly-happy from all of those things.

But now, I appreciate those things with a fire I can’t quite explain. When the person I have feelings for sent me roses on my birthday this past fall, I couldn’t stop smiling. I also must have thanked him 17 times, minimum. It just never feels like enough times to say thank you or show my appreciation, because I can’t ever thank my husband again for all he did for me, and that breaks my heart.

I believe, truly, that one of the ways in which the people we love who have died, stay with us, is when we take on some of their best character traits. My husband was kind, big-hearted, and appreciative and aware of doing the small things that were actually big things. I have now become this way, and I am truly thankful whenever someone does something nice for me, especially when it is unexpected. He gave that gift to me, and that piece of him has stayed inside me, literally. My husband was not “romantic” in the way that most people would define that word. He was not the type of guy that would pick up flowers for no reason, or make me dinner. (Again, he was the worst cook in the universe, and he would often joke that if anything ever happened to him on the job and he didn’t come home, he promised he would send me my own personal chef.) But looking back now, the things that my husband did on a daily basis, were absolutely beyond incredible. Everyday that I’m alive, I wish I could thank him for doing these things. I wish I could tell him how much I appreciated all of it. I am honestly not sure if I told him that enough. It feels like I didn’t, and I hate that. All I can do now, is see what’s in front of me going forward, and recognize the kinds of things someone does for you, when you are their priority. When your happiness, is their priority.

This Valentine’s Day, I would love it so much if I were to get some flowers, and I would once again appreciate them on a whole new level. I would love some chocolate-covered strawberries or a thoughtful little card, letting me know I am being thought of by someone important to me. But even more than that, I will be looking for those little things that are actually the big things – and I will feel lucky to know love like that, and to have had love like that. I miss my husband every single day of my life, and this time of year it feels more raw, because we were jut starting our life together, and now that is a life that cannot be. I cannot ever tell him that I saw and I felt all the little, big things he did for me. But I can tell you. On this upcoming Valentine’s Day, I would like to list just a few of those unromantic, romantic things, that my beautiful husband did for me, every single day.

Maybe if I tell you all, he will somehow know, that he has forever changed my definition of romance, love, and Valentine’s Day, and that I am grateful for it. Thank you.

1. Always handed me the keys to his car with a full tank of gas, and the oil checked, so that Id be safe.
2. Often left himself with NO money in his wallet before work, so that he could give his last $10 to me.
3. Reminded me that I was beautiful, often, and meant it.
4. Helped me to the bathroom, and waited on me hand and foot for a whole week, when I threw out my back.
5. Held my hair and washed my face off with a washcloth when I was puking my guts out from a bad reaction to Percacet.
6. The way he looked at me when I was performing or speaking onstage, like he was in awe of me.
7. He asked for my dad’s permission to marry me.
8. The way he would do things he didn’t want to do (like taking 8 weeks of ballroom dancing lessons so we could do a Foxtrot at our wedding reception), just to make me happy.
9. The way he made me feel safe from everything scary in the world.
10. Holding my hand and explaining things in a calm voice to me, when I would freak out on airplanes.
11. I trusted him with my life. He would have taken a bullet for me, or given his life for me. No doubt.
12. Held my hand until I was asleep, and then longer.
13. He moved his life from Florida to New Jersey, one week before Valentine’s Day, because that’s what it was going to take to be with me.

I love you, sweet husband. Thank you for changing the way I see everything.

Please Do This One Thing After Sex

by zfortadminin Sex, SEX TIPS

How spooning can make or break your relationship

Attention all little spoons: New research shows that your love for cuddling might be the best thing to ever happen to your bond. Couples who spend more time showing affection after sex feel more satisfied with their sex lives, and in turn, with their relationship in general, according to a recent study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior.

Researchers at universities in Toronto conducted two studies. In the first study, 335 participants (138 men and 197 women, all of whom were in romantic relationships and 90 percent of whom were heterosexual), completed an online survey about relationship and sexual satisfaction, their sex lives, and affection. Surprisingly, sex duration and foreplay didn’t predict relationship satisfaction, but post-coital cuddling did. (Big, little, and all spoons rejoice!) Researchers found that people who spend more time on post-sex affection—like cuddling, kissing, caressing, spooning, or expressing their love for each other—are more satisfied in their relationships and feel more sexually satisfied. This is especially true for couples with kids. While women’s relationship happiness depends more heavily on cuddling and canoodling than men’s, researchers also found that post-sex affection indirectly affects men’s happiness—it increases their sexual satisfaction, which in turn increases their relationship satisfaction.

For the second study, 101 couples (94 percent of which were heterosexual) answered questions about their sex lives, post-sex affection, and satisfaction with sex and their relationship every day for three weeks. Researchers found that on days when couples spent more time showing post-sex affection, they were also more sexually satisfied and more satisfied with their relationship than usual. Plus, those who felt these benefits during the three-week study were more likely to be happy with their sex lives and relationships three months down the line.

Of course, this may seem a little obvious—wouldn’t a couple who was head-over-heels for each other be more likely to cuddle after doing the deed anyway? But even though the effects could go both ways, the strongest effects were from after-sex affection to satisfaction, says study coauthor Amy Muise, Ph.D., postdoctoral fellow at the University of Toronto. This might have to do with the fact that cuddling is a positive post-sex reward; since it makes us feel good, we’re more likely to want to do it again, and we get closer to each other in the process. Plus, the power of touch can have major mental and physical benefits. While they can’t prove a cause-and-effect relationship, Muise notes, “I think couples should be aware that the period after sex could be particularly important for bonding and that, if possible, spending more time being affectionate after sex could enhance feelings of sexual and relationship satisfaction.” So we officially give you permission to cuddle a little bit longer tonight—for your relationship’s sake!

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

The Strange Romances of “Dancing With the Stars”

by Kelley Lynnin RELATIONSHIPS

In the world of television and reality-TV, it is expected that one would find many examples of contestants finding romance or chemistry whilst in the midst of filming.

After all, shows such as “The Bachelor” are created so that people can find love. But what about a show like the very popular hit: “Dancing With the Stars”? As season 24 is set to begin on Monday, I thought it might be fun to take a look at the possibilities for matchmaking that exist in this season’s new cast. This “chemistry between dance partners” thing has happened on multiple occasions throughout the show’s run, so either there is something in the air on that dance floor, or host Tom Bergeron is secretly matching people together behind the scenes with his witty charm.

In past seasons, there was the pairing of pro dancers Emma Slater and Sasha Farber, who announced their engagement on the show live in 2016. Mario Lopez and pro dancer Karina Smirnoff had an immediate attraction during their 2006 pairing on the show. When their romance fizzled just months later, it was rumored that Lopez had been cheating. Very soon after, Smirnoff then ended up dating fellow pro-dancer Maksim Chmerkovsky, and the two got engaged. Then, the two split, just a few months later, calling off their engagement.

Are you confused yet? I am. Actress Shannon Elizabeth fell hard for pro-dance partner Derek Hough, and the two were an item in 2009 for more than a year. And then they weren’t. One of the most obvious attractions I can recall on the show happened between Maksim and Meryl Davis, during season 18. The two never admitted to a romance, but the sparks were hot and heavy from the start, and the judges commented on their sexual tension almost every week. (To be fair, Judge Bruno Tonioli could find sexual tension in a chunk of plywood). And in another twist, that Maksim sure gets around! He was also rumored to be dating dance partner (and winner) Erin Andrews, who later became co-host of the show. NOW are you confused? Because I still am.

Basically, everybody dates everybody, because the Rumba is kind of hot, and when you are rehearsing sexy moves together for ten hours a day over a few month period, things tend to get a little bit touchy-feely. Unless you are Judge Len Goodman. Then you just drink some prune juice and take a nap. Sometimes in the middle of the show.

In any case, will romance be in the cards for any of these pairings? Here is a look forward at the upcoming cast, and some entertaining romances that would be fun, or just plain weird, to see, starting this Monday …..

BONNER BOLTON is the world’s former Number One Bull-Rider, and will be paired up with pro-dancer Sharna Burgess. But how hilarious would it be to see him in a budding romance with off the charts, crazy, always seemingly horny Judge Carrie Ann Anaba? The season hasn’t even begun yet, but I guarantee it will be filled with endless innuendos from Anaba about Bolton “riding it” or “getting on top of that bull”. She really enjoys saying things such as that, and having her own little fantasies about the male contestants while she sits behind that judges table.

CHARO is on the show this season (with pro-dancer Keo Motsepe), and really, this needs no further explanation other to be hilarious, because it’s Charo. She has one name. She is actually listed that way on the cast list. No last name. You may remember her dancing from “The Love Boat”, or from other TV shows she appeared in over the decades. She is a pop culture icon who dances, sings, and is just generally entertaining, and she has GOT to be in her 70’s or older by now. Perhaps her and Judge Len Goodman should pair up, since he is also older, and her charm and sparkly personality could fix up his crankiness and moodiness. Seeing them as a couple would be hilarious.

MR. T is on the show this season, as is former “Saturday Night Live” cast member Chris Kattan. Although they are not paired together as dancers, since neither of them are pros, I would pay a lot of money to see them as the new, power, gay couple of the season. Mr. T could yell at Kattan: “I pity the fool who says no to me!”, and Kattan could do one of his many wacky characters in response.

Olympic ice-skater Nancy Kerrigan is dancing this season, which begs the question, where the hell is Tanya Harding? If Harding was on the show and didn’t win the Mirror Ball Trophy, I would hate to see what kind of action she would take in protest. Not pretty.

Nick Viall just finished his run as “The Bachelor” this week, and he got engaged to Vanessa Grimaldi. Starting Monday, he will be paired up with pro-dancer Peta Mergatroyd, and history has shown from past seasons, that this is NOT the best way to begin your engagement – by spending 10 to 15 hours a day dancing all sweaty-like with another beautiful woman. Let’s see if Nick and Vanessa can survive the jealousy of the Tango or the Salsa, or will Nick succumb to the gorgeous Peta, and leave Vanessa in the dust?

Perhaps Bergeron and Andrews can up their co-host game and start flirting with one another. Or maybe the two male judges can take turns dating Carrie Ann, the female judge. Or perhaps Mr. T and Charo will have a little fling, and then Maksim Chmerkovsky will break them up so he can have Charo all to himself, because apparently he dates every single dancer on the show. The possibilities are endless, and quite humorous. I can’t wait to see what surprising couples emerge out of this upcoming season, and the many ways that love (or lust) spring to life. To see what happens, tune in this Monday, March 20th, on ABC.

Declutter Your Love Life for Spring

by RJ Newellin LOVE

Your bedroom may be free of clutter, but what about your heart?

Spring Cleaning isn’t just for belongings; it’s for improving the quality of your life. This is the perfect time of year to discard what no longer serves us – and yes, this includes relationships. We all have our own unique energy drains, emotional rough spots and cluttered habits that could use a little ‘clean-up’ from time to time. If you’re hoarding a mess (even too much of a good thing), it’s time to make room for what you really want.

Spring Cleaning your love life works in three steps: (1) Defining the things that drain your energy. (2) Recognizing why they don’t serve you. (3) Taking out the trash.

Here are six areas to consider:

1. Your Time:

“How we spend our days is how we spend our lives,” according to Annie Dillard. What are you doing that just isn’t working? Are you too busy for love?

If you don’t make time to build new relationships now, you’ll never have time to maintain them in the future. So how many unnecessary dating apps are you using? Do you spend hours each day on social media, instead of making quality time with your partner or date(s)? Does your work, hobby or social routine make it hard to commit to relationships? If time is money, budgeting is important. Cancel ‘investments’ that don’t bring results.

2. Your Self:

Low self-esteem, lack of a personal care routine, and poor mental/physical health are all serious buzz-kills in the love and sex department. If you feel insecure or unhealthy, here’s your chance to commit to solutions. Define and delete the beliefs that drag you down.

Everyone is a work in progress; if you can’t accept that about yourself, you’ll most likely struggle to accept it in your partner. So if you want to find love in relationships, the first step is to cultivate that in yourself. Examine your self-worth and care routines, and note how that translates to your interactions with others. Outer results reflect inner decisions. The way we see ourselves is often how we treat our partners.

3. Your Baggage:

Have you noticed negative patterns in your relationships? Does pain from your past make it harder to trust? Fear is love’s greatest obstacle; so in terms of baggage, handle with care.

The first “thing” that pops into your head can often improve with practice: journaling, talking it out, reading self-help books and/or spiritual work. But when it comes to deeper wounds, a therapist, spiritual leader or mentor can and should be asked for help. Taking honest inventory of our own baggage is a crucial part of de-cluttering our love lives.

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The Secret Code of Hugging

by zfortadminin Mind

What’s in a man’s hug?

Have you ever wondered what goes through one’s mind when a hug is exchanged? Well, healing takes place magically. Suddenly the world seems better. You start to feel positive about life. Like someone once said, a bear hug after a long day is sometimes all you need to feel better.

It’s a known fact that a hug is the biggest stress buster for human beings. As we humans are bound with feelings, the emotional gestures become crucial for us and hug being one of them. Having said that did you know just as we can know about a person from the way he shakes hands, same way you can know your guy the way he hugs you?

“One day someone will hug you so tight that all your broken pieces will fit back together.”

This hug day FashionLady has come up with an exclusive edition helping you understand the meaning behind his embrace. The way your beau hugs you tells a lot about his feelings for you.

Let’s Look At Different Types Of Hugs

  • The sneak hug
  • Hug with a gentle rub
  • The waist wrap hug
  • Hug with a pat
  • Hug with touching his head to yours

Now let’s look at each of the different types of hugs in detail and learn the significance of a hug, actually each of the different hugs.

The Sneak Hug

In this hug, your guy sneaks from your behind and puts his arms around your chest! In this type of a guy hug girl from behind, the feeling can be most amazing as a sneaking and sudden grab and hold will make you feel more wanted and secure. These hugs are amazing specially when given while the girl is busy cooking, doing the dishes, while she is reading a book and so on.

This kind of gesture suggests that the guy is madly in love with you. He wants you to make you realize about the oneness here, as wraps your body with his arms, while keeping your feet intertwined. As per author of Success Signals, Patti Wood, “By covering your back, he’s conveying that he wants to shelter you. He’s also flexing his masculinity — this displays his strength and dominance.”

However be warned that if you husband/boyfriend frequently hugs you from the back. You should realize that he is longing for a closer connection but thinks you’re unavailable. As per Christopher Blazina, PhD, author of The Secret Lives of Men, “He avoids hugging face-to-face because he’s worried you’re not into him.”

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Julia Leigh’s “Sleeping Beauty” Film Subverts Traditional Sexual Politics and Why We Should Care

by Sarah Ewaldin Sex

Are you sleeping through power and consent dynamics?

Leigh has interesting things to say about who wields the male gaze, power and consent.

In the opening scene of Julia Leigh’s 2011 erotic drama “Sleeping Beauty,” we see a researcher wearing a white lab coat guiding a long tube down college student Lucy’s (Emily Browning) throat. Lucy sits perfectly still, with only intermittent gagging as slight signs of resistance.

This scene isn’t sexy (though of course some might disagree), but it tells the audience some key concepts. First, the facts about Lucy’s personality: Loner. Passive. Emotionless. We see how these traits play out in her future. Then there’s the power and sexual dynamics at play: Lucy, the woman, receives from the man, who gives. Throughout the film, these dynamics twist and turn, fighting for supremacy.

Lucy works odd jobs and, like many a broke college student, is always on the lookout for extra cash. She answers a want-ad, and meets with Clara (Rachael Blake), the madam of the operation. Lucy’s job will be to provide silver service (essentially, high-end waitressing) for rich clients, working in a team with other girls. And she does this a few times. After she’s proven herself, Lucy is offered a more lucrative gig: Sleep in bed for one night while a male client can do anything he likes with her, except no penetration and later, leaving no marks on her body.

This film displays its sensuality openly. Leigh has interesting things to say about who wields the male gaze, traditional sexual politics, and consent.

When Lucy arrives for an initial interview with Clara, Clara asks after her health and then asks Lucy to strip down to her bra and underwear. Clara’s male assistant then lightly runs his hands over Lucy’s body, with Clara watching from the side (after lightly cupping Lucy’s breast). Lucy remains motion- and emotionless during this inspection, passive to the end.

Any woman has probably felt the way Lucy felt in this moment: frozen to the spot while being visually dissected. But the other male gaze in the room comes from a woman: Madam Clara eyes Lucy keeping in mind what her clients will like. It adds an unexpected energy and another dimension to the scene.

The silver service scenes are overtly erotic, with Lucy clad in white lingerie and the other girls in black strappy one-pieces with their breasts exposed. This world’s sexual politics are called out from the beginning, with Lucy and the other girls serving a dinner to a group of older men. But Leigh subtly subverts this old boys’ club feeling by giving an older woman a seat at that dining room table. It lends a frisson of tension that this exclusive club admits women, and leads the audience to wonder what might have been, or what could be.

Once Lucy consents to the sleeping gigs, another sexual dynamic plays out. Lucy, while sleeping, is completely passive (which was her choice, as she took the job). This point is hammered home by the men who pass through the bedroom and are curious to see just how “asleep” this beautiful girl is. They push the boundaries: yelling at her, roughly moving her body around, one even burning her with the lit end of his cigarette. It can be hard to watch. Violence can be the flip side of sexual expression, and the two are closely linked in this film.

Lucy’s final action of the film is screaming hysterically, due to an unexpected event. It’s a significant moment: It’s the first time we see Lucy experience such intense emotion, that she makes the choice to feel something. It also happens right when she wakes up. It’s an apt metaphor for the film itself: After being thrust into a world where nontraditional sexual and power dynamics are the norm, you’re thrown back into reality. The dream is gone, and it’s time to wake up.

Rock Your Love and Bedroom Life Using Crystals

by Jo Millerin Sex

What Crystals Would You Use?

More than just pretty stones, crystals have been used for thousands of years for their mystical and powerful healing properties, and are commonly used in alchemic healing remedies, meditation, manifesting, and as sacred tools to support our daily lives. Personally, I find them utterly mesmerizing, and have been using them in my every day life and with my clients, as part of my intuitive coaching practice with truly magical results for many years.

High Vibe Crystals

Specific crystals work with different areas of our bodies, helping to promote a healthy flow of energy.  Each stone carries its own unique vibration that can identify, awaken, and elevate those cells in our bodies that are vibrating lower than they should, correcting any imbalances and harmonizing our physical, emotional and spiritual bodies.

More and more, these high vibe gems are finding their way into our self-love practices and the bedroom, as more and more individuals and couples seek to bring an elevated level of consciousness and intention to take their intimacy and sexual mojo to the next level.

Whatever kind of love you’re trying to attract, be it romantic, spiritual or friendship, you must first truly love yourself before you can fully accept or give love to others.

Rose Quartz- Gateway to Love

The beloved Rose Quartz crystal is a universal Heart Chakra healer, and the gateway stone to loving on all levels; self love, romantic partnership, friends, family, and universal relationships. To ground your life in loving energy, wear some Rose Quartz jewelry, sleep with it under your pillow, or tuck a piece into your pocket or even bra as a constant reminder that love is always close by.

Rhodochrosite-Healing Your Heart

This pretty pink stone helps to heal a broken heart and alleviates past hurts by gently cleansing, soothing, and repairing the energy field around our heart. When taken outside on a sunny day, it can absorb the beauty and magic of nature, allowing a sense of compassionate grace and softness to re-enter our lives.

For a beautiful healing self-love meditation, sit quietly with eyes closed and focus on your heart area. Envision a soft green light (the color associated with our Heart Chakra) emanating from the center of your being, and as you exhale, radiate love from your heart through your body in all directions and out into the Universe. As you inhale, visualize that green love light returning to you from all corners of the Universe, a million-fold, filling you up with pure love and light.

Red Garnet- Ignites Romance

Mediating with Red Garnet inspires and ignites love and romance. Use this powerful root chakra crystal when setting your intention to invite an ideal romantic partner into your life.

Clear Quartz –Manifesting Love

This is a manifesting must-have stone. Considered the master healer when used by itself, or as a broadcaster when partnered with other crystals. It cleanses your energetic aura and helps you connect to the best version of you. Clear Quartz is also ideal for using in crystal grids for it’s ability to broadcast the frequency of what you’re consciously creating.

Creating a Crystal Love Grid

To make a “Love Grid” place a Rose Quartz crystal (representing Love) at the center and place smaller pieces of Clear Quartz crystal points around it, arranging them in the shape of an infinity symbol (representing infinite lasting Love).  This grid can be set up and left in place for as long as you desire (cleansing crystals weekly for optimal charging). Set your intention for what it is you want to attract into your life and trace an imaginary outline of the grid with your finger, beginning and ending at the Rose Quartz center.

Lapis Lazuli- Rock Your Truth

Communicating your boundaries and desires with clarity, kindness and love is key to fostering respectful, healthy relationships. Lapis Lazuli is said to carry the vibration of our inner King or Queen and can help support us in speaking clearly, truthfully and lovingly, teaching others how we wish to be treated. Remember too, that communication also means the ability to be a good listener. In my experience, good listeners make for most excellent lovers.

Fire Agate, Jasper, Rubies- Get Your Mojo On!

Feeling sexually aroused is a sure sign that our positive energy is flowing freely, making sensuality and spirituality an ideal partnership for sexual intimacy. Certain crystals carry powerful aphrodisiac energy that fire up the sensual energy in our lower chakras allowing for our love to flow readily and helps partners to view their sexual relationship as a sacred bond.

Fire Agate and Red Jasper crystals are especially helpful for men in supporting the lower chakras, enhancing the libido and prolonging sexual activity. Orange Carnelian fires up the energy of the sacral chakra and helps women to restore vitality to their female sex organs (or Yoni, which is Sanskrit for Sacred Space).

Red Ruby stone carries an unsurpassable potency of empowering energy that can help both partners release inhibitions, and ignite their adventurous and playful sides.

Place these passion crystals on your nightstand, tucked under your pillow, or drop them into warm bathwater for some relaxation and sensual foreplay togetherness.

Crystal Clearing and Powerful LOVE

It’s essential to cleanse your crystals before using them and regularly as they absorb both our negative and positive energy. Running them under flowing water, smudging with sage smoke, or setting them out under the illuminating power of a full moon will all do a beautiful job of clearing and recharging your sacred love stones.

I wish you all the healing magic and delight that lies in store as you seek to attract and open your heart and life wide open to the high vibe power of LOVE.

I Don’t Know How to Love Men

by Clementine Francesin LOVE

I don’t know how to love men. There. I said it.

I didn’t grow up with a positive male figure. The constant male presence in my life was toxic. So the only men that looked good to me were in the books and the movies and the songs. Now, that I am an adult, well I’ve been for quite some time, I’m still romantically developmentally arrested.  I don’t know what to do with men. I don’t think I trust them. They kind of scare me; the ones with conditioning to be dishonest, to abuse, to entitlement, the disposal of women, but not in like a murder-y way, but in “on to the next one” kind of way. But also murder! Rape!

Feminism is a response to the patriarchy aka oppression.

Look, I don’t want to be used. I’m fragile! I can’t keep breaking. I spend every day trying to build myself up. It’s exhausting.

Am I a Lesbian?

Sometimes I think I have no attraction to men. Maybe I’m a lesbian in denial. But, I can’t say that I really like women either. But that could be denial talking. But, sometimes any man that shows me any kindness I think I could love. I have this exterior of “I love no one.” But, any bit of kindness a male shows me I think could be love. But, since it screws with my, “no love for me, please” narrative I shut it down. I was never taught how to love. I didn’t see it growing up. What I saw was poison and I think I’ve been spending my life avoiding poison.

I really do believe I could live the rest of my life without ever being in any kind of relationship. But, it’s tough because I do find people attractive. For nearly a decade I was incredibly infatuated (read: http://www.lovetv.co/the-safety-of-my-unrequited-love/) with a celebrity. I’ve been head over heels for teachers, for co-workers, but no one’s ever reciprocated. But, in hindsight, I’ve noticed I’ve been my own cock blocker. If a guy shows interest I immediately see his shady or charming ways and it turns me off. Or I make sure we stay “just friends” because I’m not into him and I don’t want to be, but I could probably fall for anyone who shows me any kindness, if they’re persistent enough. And that makes me think I’m weak.

Romance, is it Weakness?

I guess to engage in romance equals weakness to me. Or should I say vulnerability? Vulnerability makes one susceptible to pain and if there’s anything in life I want to avoid it’s pain. I’m always in pain. I live between no emotion and a ball of emotions and that is as a lonely woman alone. Loneliness is easier. But is it? The idea of handing my feelings to someone and giving them power to affect me is so daunting. Sometimes I wish I was the kind of girl who could just go through guys, whatever that means, but I also want to hide.

Work In Progress

Maybe I’m like the boys who assume that any woman who gives them attention must want to bang them. But, also I believe no one is interested in me, and that maybe I’m highly unattractive and maybe I’m too mean. They say you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else which I don’t think anyone actually follows, but I want it to be true for me. But maybe that’s my way of holding off from moving forward. If I stay in the “work in progress” phase I’ll never have to face anything.

I think if someone I was intensely attracted to asked me out I would say yes. But maybe that’s not true. Sometimes, I want love so much that I think I won’t be able to stand not having it at this very moment, but some days I quiet the want, bury it enough so it doesn’t ruin my day.

I could spend two years, twelve years, or twenty years not doing the love thing in order to avoid discomfort. But, it’s comparable to staying on the bench forever because I’m afraid to get in the game.

Are you in the game? I’m ready to get my head in the game.

Time for a Paint Job? What Bedroom Color is Best for Getting Turned On

by zfortadminin SEX TIPS

Look to surprising revelations about bedroom wall colors to get more of what you want

More sleep and more sex? Yes, please! A new survey involving 2,000 Brits shows a strong correlation between the color of your bedroom walls and decor with how much sleep and sex you’re having. The takeaway: People with blue rooms appear to be getting the best night’s sleep, while people with caramel-colored walls are having the most sex. Let the mad dash to invent caramel-blue paint begin!

Here’s how the survey breaks it down.

Of course, you don’t see much color with your eyes closed and the lights off, but the color of your walls and decor affects how you sleep before you close your eyes, the survey found.

On average, the survey respondents sleeping in a blue bedroom get seven hours and 52 minutes of sleep, the most in the survey, which was conducted by Travelodge, a budget-friendly hotel chain in the U.K. Builders, teachers and civil servants tend to choose blue most often for their bedrooms, according to the survey.

The study surmises that since blue has long been associated with feelings of calmness — water, blue sky etc. — the color helps us chill out before sleep.

In fact, blue also is said to help reduce blood pressure and heart rate, for more sound sleep.

“This is an amazing result, as there are specialized receptors called ganglion cells in the retina part of our eyes, which are most sensitive to the color blue,” says Chris Idzikowski, a sleep expert at the Edinburgh Sleep Centre, in a press release about the study. “These receptors feed information into an area deep in our brain that controls 24-hour rhythms, and affects how we perform and feel during the day. That interaction between light, sleep and wakefulness is supremely important.”

An amazing 58 percent of Brits in the survey who sleep in blue rooms say they regularly wake up feeling happy. Cheerio!

Certain shades of yellow come in second in promoting the best night’s sleep: seven hours and 40 minutes on average per night.

Warm yellow relaxes the body by stimulating the nervous system and calming the nerves.

Green also creates a calm and soothing vibe, which is why it appears to be the third best color for getting sleep. People with green rooms get an average of seven hours and 30 minutes of sleep per night, and 22 percent of those surveyed say they wake up “feeling upbeat and positive.”

The survey suggests that a soothing silver bedroom mimics moonlight, which cues the brain to know that it’s nighttime and time for sleep.

People with silver bedrooms get an average of seven hours and 33 minutes of sleep, while 21 percent surveyed say they are more motivated to exercise in their bedroom.

Orange, surprisingly, is close behind, with people getting an average of seven hours and 28 minutes of sleep. The warm color also creates a “stable and reassuring atmosphere and can even help digestion too — especially if you have eaten a large or late-evening meal,” according to the survey.

The color has also been found to relax muscles, so you fall asleep more quickly.

Bankers and estate agents tend to choose gold decor, the study found.

Though similar to silver, gray, an incredibly popular house paint color, didn’t perform well in the study; people in gray rooms get an average of only six hours and 12 minutes of sleep per night.

It’s thought that brown and gray can be “dreary and depressing, especially in the bedroom, and make occupants feel emotionally isolated and uncomfortable — resulting in a restless sleep,” the study says.

What’s more, the survey found that Brits with gray rooms spend the most time shopping online in bed.

Those with a brown, cream or white bedroom are most likely workaholics who take their work to bed with them at least three times per week. Shop workers are most likely to have these colors in their bedrooms.

Purple bedrooms performed the worst for sleep. On average, people in purple bedrooms get five hours and 56 minutes per night.

While elegant and artistic, the color is thought to be overly mentally stimulating. Coupled with a busy day, purple walls can make it difficult to turn off a racing mind and switch into sleep mode. (I’m guessing the color has a different affect on chipper dinosaurs named Barney.)

Most interesting, to me anyway, is that the study found that couples in bedrooms with a caramel decor scheme have sex, on average, three times per week.

Unfortunately, the study doesn’t offer any possible reasons. Is the color tricking people into thinking about Milky Way candy bars and chocolate, making them more excited? Or is that just the case in my house?

Not much magic apparently happens in red bedrooms, where couples make love once a week on average. Maybe Roxanne should have put on a caramel-colored light?

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Romance Has Been at a Standstill in My Life, Not This Summer.

by Clementine Francesin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

ACCEPT THE INVITATION

One time I was totally having a wonderful conversation with a guy and near the end of our time at work he asked me what I would be doing at the end of the shift. I took that as an indication that he was no longer interested in having a conversation with me, so I told him I had to go pay rent money to my roommate which was true, but it wasn’t until after, that I realized that he was probably going to invite me to hang with him.  I totally misread the situation. If someone asks you what your plans after the thing you’re doing are, don’t assume that it’s because they are just curious. It is their way of gauging you’re availability so they can ask you to hang out. If only I could go back to this day. I would have answered it like this: “Umm…nothing really. Why?” This could have totally shifted the course of things. I haven’t seen him in several months, or has it been a year, after our gig ended and now I am without this friend, possible potential boyfriend.

I also did this years ago when a guy I was totally into asked me to hang out, and me being the developmentally arrested girl I was, still drinking from her mother’s teat, said “Sorry can’t. Mom won’t let me.” I was like early 20s! And what if he met me in 2017? What if he asked me that question today? I am a totally different person now.

Sometimes, I mourn for the boys I crushed on because they met me at a more sheltered time in my life. Me, today, sheltered, but not in the way I once was, would be up for adventure. I could be in Shanghai right now on a weeklong adventure with him!

It’s so sad when things happen to you before you’re ready for them!

STOP USING YOUR LACK OF FUNDS AS AN EXCUSE NOT TO DO THINGS!

I am queen of “I have no money. I’m too broke. Sorry, can’t socialize.” But, you can’t live your life like this.  I recently spent way too much money on a steak meal because I never do. Because I’ve conditioned myself to believe that money is only to be saved and when used should only be used for practical things and only frugally. But, no if he invites you to his $15 concert go! Just go.  Say no to Starbucks or cigarettes for a week and save that money and go see his band play. We have to show people we are interested. Our fears can’t be the driving force in our lives. By saying I don’t have the money I’m choosing to be scared of living life. No one’s saying you gotta go see every show ever, but at least once or twice. Go to a movie even. Movies are totally overpriced, but if you go to one or two in a month the world will still turn. Maybe I’ll go see that $39 Broadway show with the guy I have the hots for should he ask. Or should I ask!

AGE AIN’T NOTHIN’ BUT A NUMBER!

Within reason. Let’s be legal please. But, I have this huge hang up about dating guys younger than me. Like four years younger than me. Five years younger than me. I consider them to be children and the idea of dating them makes me sick, but that’s my own personal hang-up. It’s not like I’m dating an 18 year old. If I’m 30 and he’s 25 or if I’m 27 and he’s 23, it’s not the end of the world if we go out to eat. Sure, younger guys can be immature and lame, but we’re not talking marriage here. Just, “Hey he’s attractive, let’s go to a party!” The president of France’s has step children born in the same decade as him. He’s doing alright.  You’ll be alright too.

This summer I don’t want to be closed off. Romance has been at a standstill in my life since the beginning of time. The last time I attempted to give it a shot, was a summer, and it went horribly wrong and it took me a long time to recover. But, New Year, new me! I don’t want to live in the shadows. You don’t either. Let’s not be complacent in hiding.

Is Your Sexual Attraction to Someone Too Much?

by zfortadminin Sex

Intense sexual attraction can be more than some can handle.

What makes a person sexually attracted to another will likely remain a mystery forever. I have studied psychology for 25 years, and neither my doctorate nor my years of experience working with clients has sufficiently answered the question.

What makes you sexually attracted to another person? While we have theories, we don’t entirely know. We can infer that the object of one’s sexual attraction is stirred by a mix of biology and past experiences, but that somehow doesn’t feel sufficient. Studies of pheromones, too, don’t explain it.

But when it comes to attraction, is it possible that a person can be too sexually attracted to another person? The answer, in short, is yes.

While I learned a lot from my undergraduate and graduate psychology training, I learned even more from my clients. But the person who taught me the most about human motivations and behaviors? My own therapist, who provided psychoanalytic therapy to me for over five years in my 20s. One nugget of wisdom he gave me when I was 25: “When you feel extremely sexually attracted to someone in the very beginning, walk the other way.” Of course, he had to spend a few more sessions drilling that concept down, because, at first, it made absolutely no sense to me. Now, I understand.

You can be too sexually attracted to someone. You can meet someone who unleashes the most elaborate sexual desire, but that person is probably not someone you should pursue, because the intensity of your sexual feelings likely comes from a primitive — and dysfunctional — set of feelings and beliefs. Most important, meeting someone and feeling too sexually attracted often indicates underlying idealization. Sexual attraction that is too intense from the very start often indicates a distorted belief that this new person will provide a sense of emotional completion, fulfilling long-simmering emotional needs that have previously gone unmet.

People who feel extreme, I-need-to-have-them-now sexual attraction often have a history of psychological trauma or neglect.

What is psychological trauma? It could be a specific incident — a horrific incident with a family member or stranger. Or it could be an ongoing pattern of extreme dysfunction — for instance, a parent, peer, or another adult luring you into an ongoing relationship that is unhealthy or even physically or emotionally dangerous. Neglect is more straightforward — a parent or caregiver who isn’t there when you need them and who doesn’t make you feel like your thoughts and feelings are noticed or important.

Based on my anecdotal experience of seeing hundreds of clients, I can say with assurance that someone who feels extremely sexually attracted to a new person should be very careful, especially if they have experienced neglect or psychological trauma in their past. These individuals have gone without for so long that they may have started to develop a fantasy life, imagining someone “out there” who could rescue them or take away the emotional hurts they’ve suffered in the past.

People who feel extreme sexual attraction also often have addictive tendencies.

Intense sexual attraction can be so intense that the new person serves as a sort of drug or stimulant, and it is typically impossible to reach a sense of true satiation when such feelings get triggered. In other words, it never feels like enough. Men and women who struggle with addictive tendencies must be careful to see that these tendencies also extend to the way we seek out and relate to romantic partners in the beginning.

What’s the ultimate goal in finding a romantic partner?

The real goal in relationships is to find someone who quenches your sexual and emotional desires on a consistent basis. Sure, sexual attraction changes over the course of a long-term relationship, but relationships that are successful include two people who feel that their partner is emotionally available. When you feel attraction that is too intense, it often means that you are responding to the sense that you need to consume that person entirely now, because they may slip through your fingers at a moment’s notice.

If you have addictive tendencies or have any kind of psychological trauma or neglect in your history, beware sexual attraction that is extremely intense in the beginning. Go back to the basics, and focus on finding a person who is consistent and reliable, and who shares similar values to yours. Remember, every step you take away from someone who isn’t good for you brings you one step closer to someone who is.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Dancing With the Stars: The Semi-Finals Love Meter Review!

by Kelley Lynnin LOVE

SHOCKING ELIMINATION: It’s all about the Chemistry

This week was Semi-Finals Week on everyone’s favorite dance show, and each of the remaining four couples were judged one last time before seeing who would make it into the Finals. As always, the judges panel on the show were in charge of scoring the choreography, dance moves, and technical abilities of each couple. But we here at LOVE TV have a different but just as important purpose – judging the chemistry between each couple, and sometimes the chemistry in other random places where it’s appropriate (such as the chemistry between Len and his grumpyness, or between Bruno and extra-grumpy Len, when he hasn’t had his nap. ) With only 4 couples left this week, the elimination took another surprising turn, which had the judges gasping with shock at who went home. Let’s take a look:

NORMANI AND VAL: Sweet!

They did a Vienesse Waltz, which was quite lovely, and they were both very sweaty. You could barely see their faces because there was so much sweat coming off of the both of them together. Julianne said the dance was “stunning. You dance as one. ” Yes, and they sweat as one, too! Bruno said: “Sin city! Get out of there! Sexy! ” No. Seriously. That is what he said. Nobody else knows what it means either. A funny exchange proving this followed, when Bruno yelled: “Everybodys so pumped up!”, and Tom Bergeron replied: “Well, clearly YOU are!”

Judges Scores: 10/10/10/10

Love Meter Score: Giving them a score of SWEAT BUDDIES, because they were sweating like fools out there, and their chemistry is very buddy-like.

DAVID AND LINDSAY: So Cute!

They did the Foxtrot, and as always, they were adorable and so likable. This guy could WIN this thing, due to all his very loyal Cubs player fans and Cub FANS fans. (Trust me, it makes sense) In any case, Bruno said: “Lots of margaritas! Joy! Fun! I watch you everyday!” Was he drunk? He was making even less sense than usual this week. Carrie Ann called the dance “much improved. You bring it!” Len called David “the boy that brings joy!” Wow, all this cute rhyming.

Judges Scores: 9/8/9/8

Love Meter Score: AWWWWWWWW!!! Their relationship just screams that phrase. Everytime I see them together , I think “Awwww!!!” They are so damn cute, and so likable, and each week, their dance isnt the best dance, but people love it to death, and they are just a big ball of “Awwwww!!!!” And they may win the whole show because of “Awww!”

SIMONE AND SASHA: Brady Bunch!

These two are pretty darn good, VERY good actually. She is like a professional dancer most weeks. They did the Jive, and it was an Arcade theme. Bruno said: “Wreckless sassy attitude!” I swear, I dont know what meds he is on this week, but I wish someone would give me some. Carrie Ann said “You danced with soul tonight.” Their dances were clearly the best of the night, and their chemistry has gotten a lot closer over the weeks. Its sort of a sibling love I feel coming from them, one of respect and mutual admiration. And they are fun. They have fun together.

Judges Scores: 10/10/10/10 Perfect scores all night long

Love Meter Score: Because they are so darn cute and also sibling-like, I am giving them a score of “BRADY BUNCH!” vibe. They are like Cindy and Bobby Brady. So cute. So innocent. So Brady. The funny part is, Sasha is probably too young to even get the reference.

RASHAD AND EMMA: Delicious!

They did the Quickstep, and it was lovely. He is a great dancer, and I lovve his personality. She is a bit quirky and I love her accent, and they sort of are like two people whom you dont expect to work together, but do. They are a surprising delightful treat together. Len said something about “It was hard, then soft. Then big, then small.” Ummm, no comment. Julianne thought the dance was great, calling it “all improved. Well done.”

Judges Scores: 9/9/10/10

Love Meter Score: SCRAMBLED EGGS AND HOT SAUCE!!! You dont think it goes together, but it does!!! And its quite delicious, and strange!!! And delicious!!! I think they will be in the Finals.

SHOCKING ELIMINATION: It’s all about the Chemistry

So the bottom two couples after votes were Lindsay and David, and Sasha and Simone.

Simone and Sasha went home.

After getting two scores of Perfect Tens.

It was shocking. The judges looked mad as hell. The chemistry between the audience at home and Simone isnt as good as the love between the fans at home and David Ross of the Chicago Cubs. They just love that guy, even if he is only a mediocre dancer. Just goes to show, its that love connection and chemistry, from audience to celebrity, that counts. They love his personality. His humor. His humility. He might win. But in the meantime, Sasha was sent home one week before the Finale. And everyone was booing that choice.

Next week is the Finale, and the best part of the show, when each couple gets to do their “Freestyle” dance. Will Bruno start making some sense? Will the audience ever stop booing from this week’s elimination? Who will win the Mirror Ball Trophy and zero money? Stay tuned next week to find out ………

Marriage 101: Expectations Vs. Reality

by RJ Newellin LOVE

 Once upon a time, two newlywed lovers rode off into the sunset.

just marriedIt was a perfect end to a perfect day: The Bride (wearing an off-beat vintage dress that totally said “I’m not like other brides”) took a celebratory swig from a flask in the passenger seat. Her Groom squinted like a sultry James Dean, driving toward the horizon with wind in his hair. The sexy beats of Arctic Monkeys accompanied them as they drove; they thought of the red-hot road trips they took when they had first been dating. This new beginning was just a continuation of a love that was already good.

The couple held hands and agreed: this was perfect, they were perfect, and the future was going to be perfect.

Being married wouldn’t change a thing, they swore. This was the happy ending they’d always wanted. Two lifetimes of buildup and anticipation, all those years of searching…everything led up to this moment.

Soooo…what now? Neither one knew for sure.

The Bride kept drinking her whiskey and the Groom kept playing the same songs on repeat and they tried to do the same things they did before the ceremony, before the proposal, before moving in.

It worked, for a while. But the sunset had to end sometime. What would they do in the morning?

Clouds moved in to cover the stars. The Bride and Groom were now Wife and Husband, and they tried their best not to mess things up.

“What do married people do?” they asked themselves. Both came up with their own answer, based on what they’d seen their parents, friends and TV couples do.

Wife made a nice dinner and set the table for Husband, because she heard she should prioritize quality time. Meanwhile, Husband picked up an extra evening shift at his job, because he heard he should save to buy nice things for Wife.

All it took was a phone call to disappoint them both. Gone were the days of long drives and free flying and throwing bouquets out the window. Now, he was a husband who worked long hours and she was a wife who ate pot roast alone.

“Why does he make me so sad?” She sighed. “This doesn’t seem like us.”

“Why does she make me so angry?” He groaned. “I thought that we would be different.”

She expected a date night; he chose a night with the boys. He expected they’d spend their day off at the beach; she preferred couples’ counseling. On and on and on it went.

One year later, this perfect pairing was dissatisfied in every way. Why?

Things weren’t really that bad, were they? He didn’t cheat, she didn’t lie, and neither one spent all their money. Plus, they were trying so hard! It didn’t make sense that they’d be so unhappy. Was marriage itself to blame?

True story: When my husband and I were married, we were convinced we’d never be like “other” couples. We felt like two single people who just happened to be getting married. “Nothing would change!” we vowed.

In five years, we imagined that of course we’d have romantic evenings of punk records and bourbon on the rocks. And in ten years, naturally we’d have the same careers and wear the same styles of clothing. And in twenty years, obviously we’d be the coolest parents/best friends/partners on Earth. Everyone would envy how non-traditional and happy and open we were. “Traditional” marriage was for the birds, we said!

These weren’t bad intentions at all. But eventually, our unconscious expectations of what should be threatened our conscious dreams of what could be. It took a great deal of listening on both sides to dissect the reasons why we expected the things that we did. And it was hard to admit that people weren’t lying when they warned us that marriage would change things.

Here’s where we went wrong: My expectations and his expectations did not match our collaborative goals. And the higher our expectations, the greater our potential for disappointment.

As much as we denied it, that piece of paper became more than ‘just a piece of paper’ the second we went beyond “I do” and claimed our “supposed tos” and “should.” And it’s okay. I believe that most couples go through this, at some point.

The first few years of committed cohabitation are specifically primed for chaos. The people you both were when you met will have changed by the time you walk down the aisle. And it’s often not until the glow wears off that you notice that anything’s changed. When that happens, it’s not necessarily bad. Just hang on. It takes love, patience and a sense of adventure to navigate what happens next.

I’d thought marriage would be just like dating, just with both of our names on a contract. I imagined we’d be the same people, forever. But that’s like saying “if I win millions in the lottery, I’ll still act like I do making $20,000 a year!” How silly.

When an event or person changes your life, your identity must be affected somehow. If this didn’t happen, no one would grow or evolve. We’d all still be raging toddlers, learning nothing and accomplishing nothing. But while change is a good thing, it’s stressful.

Sometimes opportunity feels like a crisis. Even something as wonderful as finding your soul mate can spark a personal breakdown. But the difference between a breakdown and breakthrough is the way you go about handling it. Change works in your favor, if you let it.

Expansion requires letting go of old limits, and this includes unrealistic expectations. And it’s not as scary as you might think. You can lower your expectations without compromising your standards. 

It’s common for couples to articulate the same vision for their marriage, but display conflicting expectations through their actions down the road.

Nobody’s immune to unrealistic expectations, even the most non-traditional of couples. Overcoming this pattern is a challenge that can only make you better, together.

I’m grateful for all of it, now. Good and bad. We’ve been through a lot, and we’re stronger for it. We’re clear on what our relationship is and have chosen to accept and love it for what it is now, not what it “could” or “should” be down the road. At first, I thought letting go would mean accepting failure. But the results proved me wrong in the best way.

Now that we’ve stopped judging ourselves by old rules that don’t work, we’re free to meet the ideals we’d envisioned at the start! Our worst fears were never realized, once we learned to let go of them.

just marriedLove is not a perpetual ride into the sunset. Sometimes it’s two flat tires in a blizzard. And that’s fine! At least it’s not boring.

When that sunset ride ends and you run out of gas, get out of the car and push. Hold on to each other through the next morning, the next sunset, the next disaster and dream come true. Have faith in your future beginnings, because there will always be more.

 

P.S…Laugh, if you can. It helps.

Relationship Games and How to Break the Cycle: True Love Lessons with Sierra

by Sierra Mercierin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Watch as Sierra Mercier and her husband Andre give us ‘True Love Lessons’…

sierra and andre

Sierra and Andre discuss:

  1. Relationship or dating games and some examples.
  2. Tips on how to break the cycle.
  3. Starting a long-term relationship with your partner.

Do you believe true love exist? I do.

I’m Sierra. My husband Andre and I were the first couple to win the Knot Dream Wedding.

Follow me as I share how I attracted True Love into my life.

I’ll share tips and stories that will help open your heart to all of love’s possibilities.

We’re going to share lots of love stories…

Don’t play games!

Sierra: Well, for a chance…

We’ve all been there before. Trying to play the games of relationships…

I am not going to call for three days. Otherwise, I can come too eager… No! Stop playing games.

Are you looking for a real, solid relationship? Let the person you’re interested in know right upfront. Examine what you want.

Scare someone away? They’re not the right person for you.

Here’s an example… For most of my dating life, I’m used to ‘go with the flow’ type. I’d start to like someone and think to myself, we’ll just see what happens. Go with the flow. Wrong!

After several instances, of these leading to disappointment, I decided: First, I was ready for a long-term relationship and second, I was going to let the next person I date know right upfront.

When I met Andre, the very first time he kissed me, I told him I was ready for a relationship. And if he wasn’t, that’s okay. We’ve make great friends.

Andre: That caught me a little off guard but I appreciated her honesty and I had a really good feeling about it. So, I said – alright, I’m ready for a relationship too.

Sierra: We were officially boyfriend and girlfriend one week later.

Saying what you want right from the get go will save you precious time, painful heartache and will lead out toads from the prince charmings.

Tune in next time for more True Love Lessons with Sierra…

Andre: …and Andre

Sierra: Love you.

Andre: Love you.