Not too long ago I had to listen to a lecture for work reasons that was about the topic of whether or not it was a good idea for a couple to live together before they got married. The lecture was skewed towards people of faith, so the natural conclusion was that it wasn’t better. Rather than fall back on the old standard of living in sin, however, the speaker backed his position up with actual numbers, citing evidence that the divorce rates for people who got married after living together were significantly higher for those who “shacked up” versus those who didn’t make Jesus cry. Thus, those who wait till marriage are more likely to have a successful marriage.
These numbers, I should point out, are fiercely debated and a quick Google search on them yields hundreds of different articles questioning what other factors, like age, economics, etc., could have a stronger correlation to the divorce rates than the shacking up does. I would also argue that a factor to consider is that the very people who would wait till marriage to live together out of fear of their parents or God or both, are the same people who probably aren’t too likely to consider getting a divorce as a really viable option either. So of course those people have lower divorce rates. But do they necessarily have happier marriages, or are they just more likely to stay in a bad marriage because they won’t consider a divorce?
What if, and just come with me on this, what if we completely threw out the idea that the single greatest marker of a successful marriage, or any relationship, is that it doesn’t end? It seems crazy, I know, but just think about it. Each and every one of us probably has at least one great relationship in our past with someone who we ultimately didn’t end up staying with. What if that wasn’t a failed relationship, but was actually a resounding success? …a resounding success that just happened to end at some point.
Maybe, just maybe, the very real possibility exists that great successful but ultimately short-term relationships are not only possible, but in many, many cases they are so by design. I could think of the amazing, five month long relationship I had with a woman named Hilary that started in 2009 and ended in 2010 when I moved to Los Angeles as a failure I suppose but I don’t see it that way. I think the two of us helped each other through a strange transitional moment in both of our lives. It was beautiful while it lasted and then it came to an end when it had to. I can think of the fact that my parents’ marriage, which is going on forty years’ strong, is not my father’s first marriage, and the fact that I wouldn’t exist if he and his first wife had felt they had to make it work.
So often we let the culture teach us that ending a relationship is the result of a personal failure on our part. We didn’t work hard enough, we didn’t make the right effort, we were too selfish, etc. And maybe that’s true sometimes. But I think the reality is that humans are complicated beings with more and more complicated lives and sometimes we’re so complicated that what is best for us one year might not be the next, or five, ten, fifty years down the road. Sometimes no amount of work, no amount of attention, will make a relationship last. Sometimes separating from your partner is the most loving thing you can do.
Are you a fan of romantic comedies? How much do the elaborate plot lines and character triumphs do you apply to your own dream of romance?
They’re both really attractive, in a cutesy kind of way. They’re meant to be together. We, mere strangers in a movie theatre, chomping popcorn like witless cud-chewing bovines, know they’re meant to be together. So why in the name of all things Jennifer Aniston don’t they know they’re meant to be together!
Misunderstandings roll, cute things happen, zany best friends glide in and out, you check your watch, no CGI explosions occur (there might be the odd “humorous” fist fight) and finally these two lovable bright-toothed dimwits realize they were always meant to be together. What a relief for all of us. Now we can go home. The Rom Com is over, thank you very much and goodnight. But is that the end of it for you?
Romantic Comedies: The Dark Side!
Personally I feel all rom-coms should carry health warnings because of the testosterone-depleting effects they can have on men. Okay here’s a secret; I admit it. I have enjoyed the odd rom-com begrudgingly. Is that wrong? But it seems these movies really could damage your relationships. Research has found that viewing a rom-com can make people feel less appreciative of their partner and less loving toward them (1). Expectations get unrealistically raised and reality bites and it isn’t sexy. But is this new?
Popular media has always moulded notions of how romance and relationships “should” be. Traditional fairy tales, read literally, seem to propagate an idealized version of romance. On cue with a little understanding from the beautiful girl our frog turns into a handsome prince with a private trust fund. Or the situation seems hopeless, all is chaos with wicked step sisters and the like, but somehow, through destiny, the prince finds his bride, the slipper fits, and everybody gets the “happily ever after” we all knew was coming.
But in real life the “princess” wonders why the “magic” so often happens in reverse. Kiss Prince Charming (plus a little more) and miraculously he’s transmuted into an uncommunicative, belching, couch-hogging frog. “Cinderella” takes to stalking “Prince Charming”, finds he’s married or as faithful as a rooster on heat and it all ends in tears. I don’t remember that fairy tale! So, unrealistic expectations aside where, if at all, is true romance in all of this?
Romance-the forgotten art
Genuine romance, as opposed to paid for at the movie theatre, shouldn’t be about holding perfectionist standards for our loved one or expecting smooth glamor now and always. Romantic feelings should be resilient and override the normal demands of life, up to a point at least.
What is romance? You can have wonderful sex and friendship in your relationship but little or no romance. I think men fall for a woman romantically when she captures his imagination as well as his…err loins. And she will capture his imagination (as long as he has one) by responding to his romance. So romance may be more likely to spark and burn alongside sex and friendship but somehow it’s more than those two things. A meal can be sustaining and satisfying but the “romance” of the meal is in its unique flavours.
It’s often said by women that men, most men, just aren’t romantic. But I wonder whether this is really true. I suspect men feel just as romantic but don’t always know how to communicate their romantic feelings. The flavor needs to be unlocked.
Men will just as often speak of love when honestly discussing their relationships. The idea that men only care about the lust part but not the deeper feelings associated with love is just not true. Romance is a feeling, a sense of unique connection with someone – a merging of spirits, but it is also a behaviour – a way of communicating. So you can feel loving and romantic but not necessarily know how to communicate that.
It’s about the gesture
I know a woman whose ex-boyfriend bought her an electric drill for her first birthday they were together. He’d assumed this would have more utilitarian value than a surprise weekend break or a painting and flowers. And he was right – an electric drill is more useful and will last longer. But romance is about:
The gesture
The unique symbolic meaning behind the gesture.
So what is the gesture, the meaning behind buying your loved one an electric drill? That you feel neighborly towards her? That you are a post feminist male? That the floorboards need aligning? We men might find it hard to comprehend that the less practical application a gift has the more romantic it can be.
In one survey nearly all the women sampled agreed that flowers meant more to them when they were given for no particular reason at all (2). Go figure! Or rather go buy some flowers! What makes it romantic is precisely that it doesn’t “do” anything, it represents something. It has symbolic meaning.
Here’s an important point. The guy who bought his woman an electric drill may have felt romantic toward her, so it wasn’t that he wasn’t romantic at heart it’s just that a central aspect of what romance really means to many women wasn’t on his radar.
Romance can be learned
Men may not stand around in locker rooms discussing the “lovely romantic gesture” their hot date made last night and guys don’t generally discuss Rom Coms when they get together for a beer. But the fact that men, okay some men cherish their women, love them passionately and actually like them too shows that romance is genuinely part of who they are and how they feel. Many men are amazed how behaving more, just a bit more, romantically with a woman has such powerful affects. Romantic gestures and even words show:
That you take the trouble to think about her and the two of you.
That you are considerate and feel uniquely toward her.
That however tough, manly, macho up-to-the-plate-stepping you are, you are able to be nurturing too.
That you are able to think creatively.
Sure some men will learn to counterfeit romance in order to manipulate women, just as some women will counterfeit sexual interest in a man in order to manipulate him. Romance, to be genuine, needs to be congruent, a genuine sentiment. There are and always will be those non transforming toads and the wicked witches of fairy tale lore. But most people, women and men can feel true romantic sentiments and develop ways to genuinely communicate them outside of Rom Com land.
“I go out walkin’ after midnight Out in the moonlight Just like we used to do I’m always walkin’ after midnight, searchin’ for you”
– As sung by Patsy Cline, written by Alan Block and Donn Hecht
In Walkin’ after Midnight, Patsy Cline sings about walking around her neighborhood, thinking about her ex lover and wishing to be with him. She seems to be hoping that the energy of her desire will draw him out of his house and bring them together. This song is so sad and full of longing, and it couldn’t happen today.
She’d just send him a text: ‘sup? And if he was up, he’d write “u up?” and they’d start sexting and eventually hook up at her place, or behind a P.F. Chang’s.
Going back even further, you may not know that the legendary lantern signal one if by land, two if by sea was actually the way that colonist Paul Revere let his mistress know if his wife had gone to bed and she could come over.
Now he’d just Instagram a picture of two lanterns and caption it “Hey ladies”.
Classic romance films An Affair to Remember and Sleepless in Seattle both had a scene where a man waits atop the Empire State Building for a woman to meet him, his heart filled with hope and anxiety and longing, but not today. He’d wait five minutes and send her an emoji of a clock and an angry face, and she’d text him back with an eggplant and a thumbs up, or something. The main twist to all romantic films from here forward will always have to include a broken phone, or losing battery and not being able to find an outlet to charge.
Technology has completely changed the way we communicate, and late night communication in particular. If Lord Byron wanted to send a secret missive, he had to wake a servant up to hand deliver a handwritten note, and that servant had to wake up her servant, and what if your servants are sleepy, or, worse, you don’t have any? You’re limited to throwing rocks at a window or moaning out on your balcony, “Romeo! Wherefore art thou?”
Now, it’s almost too easy. Once you’ve had a couple drinks and watched Magic Mike XXL, you might reach out to a friend or ex or acquaintance in a more direct way than you would at lunchtime on a Tuesday. That’s ok, or at least, it’s normal- but if you do find that you’re embarrassed by your late night phone behavior, use my friend’s policy: he doesn’t write anyone between midnight and 7am, less it be construed as a sext. “Anything I want to say can wait until it’s daylight,” he says.
We communicate via text much more than in any other method. It’s easier than ever to use messaging to reduce physical distance between people- but be careful once you start dating, because it can make you feel more distant.
In a study published this year, Pew Research found that 25 percent of cellphone users in a relationship believed that their partner was distracted by that person’s cellphone when they were together, and 45% of internet users ages 18-29 in serious relationships say the internet and phones have had an impact on their relationship.
What do we take from all this? It’s great to get in touch on your phone, it’s great to stay in touch, but try to prioritize the people you’re actually with and have a better connection with them. Try the following:
Treat your date or outing like a job interview, and keep your phone in your purse or pocket until you’re leaving. Try leaving it in your car’s glove compartment. That’s right. Turn it off and put it in a box. It’s not your friend.
Try logging out of Facebook, so when you do decide to check it, you have to log back in to see how many people liked your cat picture. It’ll make you more aware of how often you just check in, and are able to consider how often is really necessary.
At the very least, pop into Airplane Mode to silence the delicious little buzzes and bells that let you know someone somewhere has done something. Try to live in the moment, and pay attention to the person you like doing that with.
How do you tell a married couple to abstain from sex when there is no health or physical challenge in the way? It sounds suicidal and so wrong, right? After all, sex is a key aspect of the beauty of the union.
In fact, marriage is the only place that sex is legally and morally allowed without the familiar backlash of society. So what could make anyone counsel a married couple to abstain from sex? It sounds like a ridiculous suggestion.
There are times when married couples practice impromptu abstinence due to health or spiritual reasons. Not having regular sex in marriage could also be caused by long distance, that is, when your spouse is away from home for a long period of time. This type of waiting game has its resultant effect -good or bad- on marriage depending on the duration.
As bizarre and ridiculous it sounds, the practice of abstinence in marriage in this sex-crazed world is important. It is important that couples stay away from under-the-sheets for a period. The Bible has already given spiritual reasons for abstinence from sex but more than that, abstinence helps to build a deeper intimacy with your spouse.
There is so much emphasis on sex in marriage that couples have relegated other forms of intimacy to the background. Sex is seen as the ultimate way of having a lasting relationship but this concept is so wrong. While sex is important, it is not the bedrock of relationship. Too much concentration on sex could leave cracks in a marriage.
For example, some people cannot communicate with their partner unless sex is involved. When this becomes a ritual in marriage, then the value of sex is abused. Instead of a bonding, there is bondage. Sex becomes a manipulative tool in the marriage, a bargaining chip to get your spouse to do as you desire.
An extreme fall-out of too much sex in marriage is when your partner is addicted to porn and uses you as his tool of release.
If you find yourself in such scenarios, then you need to practice abstinence in your marriage. Abstinence comes with its advantages and disadvantages but if well informed, it yields the desirable results. Before you embark on this journey, it is important to know the following facts:
1: Abstinence is a mutual agreement: Couples who intend to use the abstinence therapy must be willing to do it. The decision should not be one-sided. Both parties have to talk about it and see it as a means to a healthy relationship. If one party is in disagreement, then it is no longer abstinence. There must be clear understanding by both parties on the necessity for such a practice in their relationship.
Don’t freak out or anything. But I have some news. I got married. And to tell you the truth, not much has changed.
We are all living in a new world now. Priorities are shifting. Spending $30k to feel like a rich princess for a day in what is effectively a quinceanera for grownups, may not be your bag, and it wasn’t ours either.
Most of our close friends are spread across various cities, states and other countries; and the idea of something very private between us made public, rendered by my boyfriend extremely uncomfortable. While I am a little more comfortable with receiving attention, I would rather spend that time and money going out to visit them; or hosting them when it’s convenient for them and we can spend time together individually.
Here’s the other thing; eloping is fun. It is easy. And most importantly, it is about the two people getting married. There is no other time in a relationship when other people are invited in; no funeral for the end of one, no party for electing to stay single. No one cares about your anniversaries. When you elope, you get to do things the way you want to, on your own terms, without having to worry about keeping other people happy.
For us, as an international couple in our early 30s; in a relationship for nearly two years, and living together for half of that time, being married allows us to start making long term plans. I can actually start seeing myself staying with him long term and developing our lives together in one place like real grown ups.
A wedding wasn’t our focus, it was simply solidifying our existence as a team. I like to compare it to signing the mortgage on our love. The event itself was an afterthought; a whim, really. Something we discussed in pragmatic terms for some time and when the stars aligned, we went for it. We were never officially engaged, and ‘fiance’ was a term I never coveted nor used. In the weeks leading up to our shotgun love mortgage, I contacted close friends and family to invite them down, but when I saw my husband-to-be’s visible discomfort with any form of attention, I reeled it back in.
Once we get settled, we do plan on having a party with close friends and some family, maybe even several of them, in different places, as a kind of honeymoon/reception double feature. With a healthy distance between being married this sounds like our kind of adventure. One where any feelings of pressure surrounding being put on display, or entertaining others with our private feelings and plans together, grow rapidly smaller in our rear-view.
On our wedding day, my boyfriend brought his father who was visiting from out of town. I brought my friend to officiate and double as my emotional touchstone. We spoke to our other close ones on the phone.
My mother was ready to hop on a plane, but wouldn’t make it in time. I really wanted her to be there, but she has always been one to offer immediate and unflinching support, without holding on too tightly. I’ve always been a wanderlust out on some other part of the world as soon as I could get my hands on it, and she knew this was on the horizon for us, so this was no surprise and we were okay. My recently estranged brother was crestfallen not to be there, but took the opportunity to break his silence with some very kind things that opened up our relationship in a lovely way.
My mother-in-law to be, however, made her objections known over the phone. I can imagine this sort of thing is hard for a lot of family members, and especially a mother, protective of her son. She and I have very different ideas about marriage, which I completely understood. She kindly, firmly and respectfully filibustered our plan over the phone. As soon as he caught wind of this, my future father in law swiftly instructed his son to get me off the phone and be there for me while he started the car.
The sincere care I heard for both of us (though, obviously mostly for him) came through amidst her reservations, and the warmth and eager support I received immediately from his father solidified a profound love and appreciation for a family I barely knew. I saw a lot of my husband in him. As I sat in the back seat of the car heading to the chapel, I watched them both for a moment and took in how fortunate I was to be in their company.
We arrived at the very friendly little chapel, expecting to sign the papers and be on our way, when they happened to have a room open up at the end of the day. I think it might have helped that they liked us, as they let us go inside and make up our own ceremony. It was silly and fun and just for us.
In the aftermath, despite being alternately nervous about taking the leap, and dismissive of the whole idea of traditional marriage, I have been pleasantly surprised with how relaxed things have felt since we pulled the trigger. It feels like a weight’s been lifted and married life is actually a lot fun so far. That honeymoon period is real, y’all.
One thing that I’ve found interesting, has been how much everyone else freaks out about it all; both eloping and our marriage in general. It’s like there is something in us that needs to explode a little bit and let that Bridget Jones out of her diary for a second, and I sympathize. I get excited for my friends when they are excited about their love. We have all been encouraged to get excited about the pomp and circumstance of it all, practically since birth.
I love sentiment and I do like jewelry; but tradition isn’t the right fit for us. I don’t like the idea of having a dress I will never wear again collecting space in my closet. The idea of an overpriced rock on my hand to mark someone’s claim on me isn’t appealing either.
With that said, I will most definitely accept a ring, or a necklace, or earrings (wait no, I’ll probably lose those, maybe a bracelet) just for the hell of it. My grandmother instilled this in me with her very glamourous collection of baubles. As wonderful and beautiful as those things are, however, we don’t have that kind of money right now. The way he routinely plugs my phone in for me when I forget, or how he kisses my head before he leaves for work early in the morning while I sleep, are the kinds of things that squeeze my heart more than trying to get him to fit into a box of things he is prescribed to do.
Here is our To Do list, while we chip away at our hefty collection of debt and pull ourselves into an improved financial situation:
Adopt a dog and a cat to grow up together (his idea, I’m fine with it)
Sell our cars and get one slightly shinier one to share (my idea, he is fine with it)
Find an affordable apartment of our own, with enough space for our friends or parents to visit (an idea we share equally); ideally with a room that can also double as our solitude from each other’s farts– or an office…
Even if we wanted it, traditional stuff doesn’t have much room to fit on that list.
In another relationship, at another time in my life, with a different person, perhaps all of this would be different. Perhaps an extravagant affair or someone I call “fiance” for a year would make sense. As we have grown together, I have learned that anniversaries, birthdays and other forced gift-events are not going to work for us. But, every month he dutifully budgets taking me out to whatever new restaurant he’s discovered which has at least four stars and 200 yelp reviews, and to every single movie theatre in a 15 mile radius, as long as we can get there before the trailers start. That is what works for us, and I am kind of proud of that.
At a certain point in every relationship, dollar pizza date nights just don’t cut it anymore. You’ve got to step up your game, and what better way to do that than get the hell out of town? Weekend trips are great, but they can also be a hassle to plan. So to save you the pain of poring over Fodor’s and Expedia, we picked out a romantic rendezvous point in every state in America. We favored smaller towns and quiet lakes/mountains/beaches to make it seem more like a “getaway,” and tried to steer clear of experiences that hinged too heavily on one really kick-ass resort. (Though we certainly dug into some hotel recs.) Enjoy your stay, and be sure to tip your B&B hosts well:
Alabama
Orange Beach
The Orange Beach area of ‘Bama had activities for you and your your frat bros (Hangout Fest! Pristine beaches ripe for dumping your cooler of cheap lager!), but it also boasts plenty to do now that you’re an adult and attempting to impress someone not wearing an airbrushed tank. You can ride the Ferris wheel on The Wharf, go mini-golfing on Adventure Island, take a glass-blowing class at the arts center, or, you know, lie on the beach. But anytime you have the opportunity to eat and drink on a boat while watching dolphins, you should always take it. So make that a priority.
Fairbanks
While reenacting your favorite scenes from Balto is romantic in its own way, a couples retreat in AK isn’t complete without some Northern Lights action. Your best bet is to head to Fairbanks. Make sure to book a place with aurora wake-up calls (many of them do this) and then decide whether you want to embark on a lights-themed van tour or dogsled adventure for the day. Keep in mind that the latter will fulfill those Balto fantasies.
Arizona
Sedona
You’re going to Sedona to marvel at all the majestic red rocks, but it’s your call whether you do this via pink Jeep tour or hot-air balloon. (But trust us: unless your date has Barbie Dream Car fantasies, there’s really only one option here.) When you decide you need a break from staring at nature, head to one of the city’s 20 art galleries to take in the fine Southwestern paintings and ceramics. Then head back outside to hike, kayak, ride ATVs, or maybe just drink wine in the fresh AZ air.
Arkansas
Eureka Springs
The very phrase “Victorian mountain village” should sell you on this AR escape, but in case you need more convincing, here it goes: Eureka Springs has outdoorsy activities (canoes, scooter tours, big cat refuges, etc.). Eureka Springs has small-town charm (chocolate shops, kaleidoscope-kite stores, dinner trolleys, etc.). But most important, it has mountain opera, which everyone knows is the best kind.
California
Napa
Napa Valley is the expected choice here, but you can mix it up by pretending to be Batman and enjoying your California wines in a legit cave. While there are many excellent, echo-y options out there, most of them are reserved for private parties (read: crazy expensive to book). But at Jarvis Estate, it’s part of the tour! After you’ve finished your subterranean wining, there’s plenty of excellent food, shopping, and river sports in Napa to fill the rest of your vacation. Also, lots more wine.
Colorado
Estes Park
You’re probably thinking this should be a ski resort town, but why limit yourself to the slopes? At Estes Park, active couples can go whitewater rafting, fishing, horseback riding, hiking, climbing, zip-lining, and ropes-coursing all in one weekend. Once they finally wear themselves out, there are spas or booze centers (wineries, breweries, and distilleries!) where they can unwind. Or just recharge before hitting salsa night at Kelli’s Lounge, which seems like the only thing to do after enjoying a booze center.
Mystic
After getting hitched, Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall famously retreated to the seaside town of Mystic. Because you also want a town that is small, pretty, and full of coastal photo ops should the admiring paparazzi, who we are sure constantly totally follow you, want a picture of you with a good backdrop, you should head here, too. The main attraction in town is the Mystic Seaport, where you can see old restored ships and a tiny recreated 19th-century village. (You better believe they have a printing press.) There’s also an aquarium, planetarium, and dining options outside that one famous pizza place. And if you’re all about authenticity, you gotta book a stay at Bogie and Bacall’s actual hotel, The Inn at Mystic.
Delaware
Montchanin (Brandywine Valley)
Montchanin is where the very lovely Inn at Montchanin Village is based, but you’re not going there to explore that town specifically (it’s an unincorporated community, anyway). You’re going there to drop your bags, maybe do a quick spin around the hotel gardens, and head out to the larger Brandywine Valley area. While you won’t be inundated with an incredibly boozy concoction everywhere you go, the region, which encompasses swaths of Delaware and Pennsylvania, does have several gorgeous manors and gardens there, including the Nemours Mansion andWinterthur, built by the Du Pont family. You can check out those, plus theDelaware Art Museum and, like, so many parks. But if your partner has a home shopping addiction, beware: the QVC studios are just over the state line.
Florida
Amelia Island Florida may be worse than New Jersey, but it does have amazing beaches. And if you’re in the Sunshine State with a boy/lady friend, you might as well find one where you’re allowed to ride horses! Amelia Island itself is pretty quiet, so you’ll get a more intimate experience than you would in Key West or Miami Beach. Plus it’s named after a princess, so you know it’s fancy. There’s requisite scuba and parasailing action, but also aPARTY BOUNCE PLAY full of inflatable slides and bounce houses. It’s technically for children, though they might be open to letting a nice-looking adult couple in.
Georgia
Savannah
OK, we know Savannah isn’t some tucked-away little town – it’s one of the largest cities in the state. But we’re willing to bend the rules a little here because it’s so ridiculously pretty. A stroll through Forsyth Park (with its trademark fountain) is a must. So is browsing the vendors (and ships) along River St. You can see a lot of the historic district through a trolley tour, which is always fun. But if you’re the type of couple that watches Poltergeist on Valentine’s Day, you can opt for a ghost tour instead. Just be sure to wear your most romantic all-black outfits.
Kauai
Look, you just can’t lose with Hawaii. You could seek out the dumpiest motel and eat exclusively McDonald’s, and your special friend would still be impressed. Not that you should do that. (Please don’t do that.) But if we had to choose a particular island for your retreat, it would have to be Kauai. Why? Lumahai Beach, Hanalei Valley, and Waimea Canyon. Google them. Book your trip. Done.
Idaho
McCall
Whether you’re looking to escape in June or January, McCall can cater to your vacation needs. In the winter, the resort town offers snowshoeing, snow tubing, and skiing off Brundage Mountain. (Also, hot springs in a ghost town. Seductive!) In the summer, you can use Payette Lake for all sorts of water sports. A Loch Ness-type figure named Sharlie is rumored to hang around, so if you wanna really make an impression and score a private patch of the lake, just shout his name.
Illinois
Galena
Yes, Galena has wine tours. Yes, Galena has carriage rides. Yes, Galena has antique stores. Yes, Galena has a 2,050-foot alpine slide. But it also has the Ulysses S. Grant Home, and nothing’s quite as sexy as dead presidents named Ulysses.
Indiana
Wabash
Wabash is home to many parks and an apple orchard, so you’ll have no shortage of romantic strolling options, and the shops range from thrift stores to doughnut hubs, so all interests are accounted for. Most importantly, there’s the 13-24 Drive In, so you can snuggle up under the stars to, uh, The Transporter Refueled.
Decorah
Decorah gets name-dropped a lot in reference to The Hotel Winneshiek, a pretty hotel boasting a tap room, “opera house,” and at least two fancy stone pillars. Obviously, you should stay there, but don’t spend all weekend cooped up in the place. Get out to Malanaphy Springs and Phelps Park for your nature fix. Head to the speedway on Saturday, if you’re into fast cars. Or go to the Wayside Skating Rink, if you’re into slower-paced races.
Kansas
Abilene
Get excited, Dwight D. Eisenhower fanatics, ’cause Abilene is the proud site of his presidential library, museum, and boyhood home!! For those who don’t like (or are merely ambivalent about) Ike, you’ll still be pleased with the town’s dinner trains and trolleys, as well as the Seelye Mansionand Brown Park Waterfall. If you aren’t opposed to cowboy kitsch, there are staged gunfights and can-can dances at the Alamo Saloon in “old town.” (Attention ghost hunters: it’s also supposedly haunted.) Finally, pro tip: book the Victorian Inn. Jay and Adrian will take care of you.
Kentucky
Brownsville (Mammoth Cave National Park)
At 400 miles, Mammoth Cave is the longest cave system in the world. That’s the kind of natural wonder that merits a weekend adventure, although you shouldn’t sleep in the actual cave – that’s creepy! (And, we’d imagine, illegal.) Book a spot in nearby Brownsville instead. There’s a B&B with a covered porch, where you can watch hummingbirds as you sip your coffee. And if you get all caved out, Brownsville is a 20-minute drive from Nolin Lake.
Avery Island
Nothing reignites a fiery romance quite like hot sauce (and the ensuing indigestion), so get yourself to Avery Island, home of Tabasco. After you’ve finished up your pancakes at a B&B in New Iberia (the isle doesn’t have hotels), your first priority is Jungle Gardens, a 170-acre collection of azaleas, camellias, an old Buddha statue, and the rogue croc or deer. If you’re a bird-watching couple (reign it in, you party animals!), there’s a separate tour of “Bird City” as well. After you’ve taken in all the pretty flowers, it’s time to tour the hella-romantic Tabasco factory. The hot sauce company has an additional restaurant and Cajun-inspired “food tour” on Avery Island, just in case your date isn’t impressed with bottling operations.
Maine
Kennebunkport
At Kennebunkport, it’s not a question of whether you’re getting on a boat. It’s what type. There are whale-watching boats, schooners, even “scenic lobster cruises.” As far as landside activities go, you obviously have beaches and a lighthouse (off Cape Porpoise) at your disposal. But the place also boasts romantic fine-dining options like The White Barn Innand a “tree spa” that’s literally in the treetops.
Maryland
Smith Island
Ocean City is crowded and full of spring breakers, so assuming shotgunning college kids aren’t what sets the mood, head to one of the Chesapeake Bay’s tiny islands instead. While they all have their merits, only Smith Island has the state’s official, multi-layer dessert: Smith Island Cake. (They really thought hard on that name.) Stuff it, and so many crab cakes, into your face while staring lovingly into your partner’s eyes. Then rent some bikes or kayaks and lap the island. Don’t be alarmed by the locals’ weird accents – the place is so remote, they still have traces of English affectation.
Massachusetts
Nantucket
You like lighthouses? Nantucket has three. You like beaches? Nantuckethas 10. You like whales? Well, you might have mixed feelings about theWhaling Museum, but it’s there! There are also tons of shops and restaurants to hit during your preppy, picturesque New England weekend, so don’t waste too much time posing for profile pictures on Brant Point.
Mackinac Island
There’s a horse-drawn carriage in the place’s logo, so you’d be stupid not to take one through the tiny, frozen-in-time island. But that’s not all there is to do. You can kayak or parasail. You can reserve spots on a “sip ‘n sail” tour (sophisticated booze cruise!). You can stuff your face with free samples of the island’s famous fudge. And if you’re a big fan of cheesy Christopher Reeve movies, you can stay at the gorgeous Grand Hotel, where they filmed Somewhere in Time.
Minnesota
Lutsen (North Shore)
The North Shore is a section of the Lake Superior coastline with all sorts of frameable scenery. If it’s the summer, you can canoe or hit up a picnic site. If it’s the winter, you can snowshoe or skate. And while you have many lodging options, you should probably go with the beloved Lutsen Resort, which boasts the Wine Spectator-approved Lakeside Dining Room.
Mississippi
Natchez
Natchez is located right on the riverbank, so you have all kinds of maritime activity options on the Mississippi River. On land, there are blues concerts happening basically every night, and gorgeous antebellum homes you can actually stay in. Don’t forget the distillery and the winery. Or the carriage tours of historic Downtown.
Missouri
Branson
This lovely Ozark town boasts everything from scenic railway tours tobutterfly palaces. The shopping and restaurant hub is at Branson Landing, which has a $7.5 million fountain production featuring fire cannons and 120-foot geysers. Think the Bellagio meets… the Ozarks. It might sound terrifying, but it’s amazing.
Montana
Whitefish
Biking and hiking are big in the city of Whitefish, as is skiing. (Bonus: when the chairlifts aren’t being use to transport skiers, they’re summertime “gondola rides.”) The Whitefish Mountain Resort also has an “aerial adventure park,” which is basically an obstacle course… in the trees. Another aerial option is a hot-air balloon ride courtesy of 2 Fly Us. As for indoor extracurriculars, consider a massage at one of the city’s spas or grab a pint at Great Northern Brewery.
Valentine
No, we didn’t just pick it because it has romance right in the name. (Although it doesn’t hurt.) Valentine is a prime location to check out the state’s sandhills, and it’s also got the Niobrara River in the mix. Take on the Civilian Conservation Corps Nature Trail, which ends at an old fire tower. At the top is an observation deck with great views of the prairie. If plains aren’t your scene, trek over to Smith Falls State Park to see the highest waterfall in Nebraska. As for lodging, you have plenty of resorts,B&Bs, lodges, and even elk ranches to choose from.
Nevada
Lake Tahoe
A couple’s trip to Nevada necessitates a redirect from the Strip and the, uh, stripping, to the state’s other wonders at Lake Tahoe. It’s huge, surrounded by trees and snowbanks, looks damn fine during a sunset, and considered by some (OK, USA Today) to be the best lake in America. The snowboarding and skiing is pretty famous at this point, but the place has just about every outdoor activity imaginable. Since it’s a resort town, there are also plenty of nice hotels, restaurants, and boutiques. And this is still Nevada, so there are places to playblackjack, if you’re so inclined.
New Hampshire
Pittsburg
“The Snowmobiling Capital of New England” is a very specific nickname, but those winter speedsters aren’t the only thing Pittsburg has going for it. Lake Francis State Park is a pretty big draw, although if you don’t like that lake, the town has five others (and almost all of them are named after Connecticut). Be sure to seek out Garfield Falls, and the steak at the Rainbow Grille. Before you leave, also be sure to congratulate the town on having one less letter than that Pennsylvania town. We assume it’s saved so much money on tourism brochures over the years.
New Jersey
Cape May
All right, get out all your jokes about “romantic New Jersey” now. You can also go ahead and mock us for picking a Jersey Shore destination if you like, but there’s a world of difference between Seaside Heights and Cape May. First off, you won’t bump into Snooki here. Second, the place has its own winery and brewery. (A brewery, we might add, with a pretty excellent sampler deal.) Third, it’s got museums and even a theater to pair with the requisite beach activities, like parasailing, Jet Skiing, and general boating. Fourth, there’s a downright impressive amount of B&Bs, meaning you won’t have to pony up for a beach house rental. Fifth, we mentioned no Snookis, right?
Cloudcroft
Don’t let the crazy-high elevation (8,600 feet) scare you away from this pretty N.M. village. Tourists routinely praise the rail trails, which afford great views of all the lush scenery and old railroads. Couples with matching goggles can shred Ski Palace. And while golf might not be the most obvious couples activity, the course at The Lodge is too good to pass up.
New York
Skaneateles (Finger Lakes) The Finger Lakes are your go-to New York destination in this arena, but there are 11 of them, and they all span different towns. So we’re picking Skaneateles, because it’s the hardest to spell. Its twowineries, art gallery,lake cruises, and neighboring strawberry fields (not the psychedelic kind) also helped.
North Carolina
Duck (Outer Banks)
When you’re discussing a chain of barrier islands in the Atlantic, “secluded” becomes pretty relative, but Duck has managed to stay (relatively) under the radar, meaning you’ll find it slightly more private than the rest of the Outer Banks. Unless you’re renting a house, you have just two hotel options: Sanderling Resort or the Advice 5¢ B&B. Don’t worry, they’re both great. This is a tiny town, so you’re mainly going to take advantage of the quieter beaches and boardwalk, but make a point to swing by Duck Donuts on at least one of your mornings.
North Dakota
Medora
We’re obviously sending you to the Badlands – ignore the name, they’re pretty! – but specifically to historic Medora. The place is home toTheodore Roosevelt National Park, and you know if it’s got Teddy’s name on it, it’s a natural beaut. You can buy carriage ride tickets at the mini golf place, or stagecoach ride tickets at the Chateau de Mores Interpretive Center, if you still haven’t gotten over your Oregon Trail obsession. For dinner, head to Theodore’s Dining Room, unless you’re ready for the wacky marvel that is Pitchfork Fondue.
Logan (Hocking Hills)
The Hocking Hills region has heaps of natural wonders – it’s just a matter of how much you wanna hike. The state park offers six major trails that take you to Ash Cave, Cedar Falls, Cantwell Cliffs, Conkle’s Hollow, Old Man’s Cave, or Rock House. They’re all spectacular, but if you want easy access to the scene above (that’s Cedar Falls), your best bet is to book a spot at The Inn & Spa at Cedar Falls. It’s pet-friendly! And it has mud wraps, which are totally sexy if you like looking like a swamp monster temporarily.
Oklahoma
Broken Bow
Broken Bow has hills (the Kiamichi Mountains) and water (Broken Bow Lake) to suit all your scenic needs. History nerds will no doubt love theGardner Mansion & Museum, which houses an extensive collection of Native American artifacts. After a long day of canoeing and history lessons, you can unwind at Girls Gone Wine, which is not nearly as trashy as the name would suggest.
Oregon
Cannon Beach
You might recognize Cannon Beach through Haystack Rock, a puffin hotspot that rises 235 feet out of the water. You can walk right up to it during low tide to gawk at all the sea life surrounding it. But if large ocean rocks aren’t your thing, the city has several other beach options at Ecola State Park, Hug Point, and Arcadia Beach. The non-sandy part of town offers constant arts festivals, glassblowing galleries, creperies, and a distillery. Put them all together and you have one wild Saturday afternoon.
Pennsylvania
Jim Thorpe
Anywhere in the Poconos is an ideal PA getaway, but if you’re planning a couples vacation, you should probably go with the town that’s oftencompared to Switzerland. Jim Thorpe boasts easy access to ski slopes and stables for horseback riding – and it’s right by Pocono Mountain Paintball, too! (You laugh, but it worked for Heath Ledger.) The town itself is full of pretty Victorian homes, including one you can actually tour: the Asa Packer Mansion.
Newport
Newport is so money, and it absolutely knows it. The town is home to so many Gilded Age manors, there’s a separate “mansions” page on its tourism site. Once you’ve gawked at enough chandeliers (and tour guides in absurd, old-timey hats), book a massage at one of the town’s several spas or head to the Newport Vineyards tasting room.
South Carolina
Landrum
You’re going to Landrum to stare at the Blue Ridge Mountains, and it’s much easier to do that at The Red Horse Inn, a popular anniversary and honeymoon destination. (You can even get your own cottage!) Landrum is also home to Campbell’s Covered Bridge, the state’s only remaining covered bridge. It’s a prime location for pictures and maybe a picnic. But if you’d rather not pack a basket, there’s always SC barbecue.
South Dakota
Spearfish (Spearfish Canyon)
It’s not often that South Dakota beats Arizona at things, but one part of the Black Hills has AZ beat. Spearfish Canyon is actually older than the Grand Canyon, and most important, less populated with screaming children. The 1,000-foot walls are much narrower, though, so keep that in mind as you wind your way through the rocks, trees, and creek. Make sure to hit Roughlock Falls, a beautiful waterfall featured in (ugh) Dances with Wolves. And do all the outdoorsy extracurriculars (climbing, fishing, biking, etc.) your nature-loving heart desires.
Tennessee
Gatlinburg
According to intel from the Association for Wedding Professionals International, Gatlinburg is the third-most popular wedding destination in the world, so this town knows a thing or two about romance. The Smoky Mountains setting allows for hiking, horseback riding, and skiing (Ober Gatlinburg is the only slope in the state). And the fact that it’s in Tennessee means you can drink moonshine at several distilleries. (Don’t worry, it’s also got wineries and breweries.)
Corpus Christi (Padre Island National Seashore)
Quick note: we’re not talking about South Padre Island, where you’re more likely to find frat bros “surreptitiously” stashing a beer bong than romance. We’re talking about the Padre Island National Seashore, a much calmer stretch of beach with the NPS stamp of approval. You might spy some newborn turtles (like this guy) crawling out to the ocean, but if you miss the baby animals march, there’s still windsurfing, kayaking, and sunbathing to keep you occupied. And you don’t even have to book a hotel in the next town over – the campgrounds are open year-round.
Utah
Park City
Those Mormons might not know how to party, but they do know how to run a ski resort. The secret on Park City got out a long time ago, but as long as you avoid the Sundance stampede, you can have a relaxing retreat. There are two major ski resorts: Deer Valley and the U.S.’s new largest ski bonanza, Park City Mountain Resort, which just this year connected Park City Mountain and The Canyons. All have their charms, and all have other snow options (like sleigh rides and snow tubing) if you need a break from carving up the slopes. Also, you can sign up for tours of the city’s food scene or a wine class from the pros. Do that.
Vermont
Quechee
This village is one of five in the town of Hartford, Vt. While your weekend might take you into West Hartford or all the way over to White River Junction, you should focus on Quechee for three reasons. One: Quechee State Park, which has the state’s largest gorge. Two: The Quechee Ski Hill, which is run by The Quechee Club. And three: the Simon Pearce Restaurant, a locally sourced eatery located on an old mill. It looks like it was painted in a goddamn fairytale – and not one of the grisly Grimm’s ones.
Virginia
Middleburg
There aren’t even 1,000 residents in Middleburg, but somehow, there are five wineries. If you love a good horse show, Fox Chase Farm is kinda famous for those. You can then follow up your classy equestrian event with an art gallery (Middleburg has several). And don’t you dare Airbnb this situation, because the local hotels are firing onallcylinders.
San Juan Island
The “San Juan Islands” consist of 172 islands, but only four have ferry service. One of them is the titular San Juan Island, which has (get your pencils ready) biking, hiking, whale-watching, plane tours, a vineyard, antique shops, a lavender farm, and an alpaca farm. It’s also very picturesque, but if your partner isn’t sold on the promise of alpacas, you might want to reconsider your relationship.
West Virginia
Lewisburg
Downtown Lewisburg is home to all sorts of cute restaurants, antique stores, and art galleries. It’s also got Carnegie Hall, which might not be the most famous Carnegie Hall, but does boast an impressive array of concerts and symphonies. The charming town has more than enough to fill a weekend, but if you feel like trekking into nature, hit up the Lost World Caverns. Then go back inside to the adjacent dinosaur museum.
Wisconsin
Chetek
The city of Chetek has six lakes to its name, so you’ll have no shortage of waterskiing venues. (Just don’t try to compete with the Hydroflites.) There’s also mini-golf and bowling to complement all your water sports. You could stay at the Chetek River Campgrounds, but honestly, that’s downright stupid when you’ve got Canoe Bay. The adults-only resort is a hotspot for anniversaries and even proposals, and frequently shows up on lists of the most romantic hotels in the country.
Wyoming
Jackson
There’s a reason Jackson/Jackson Hole comes up so much when you’re talking Wyoming: it’s kind of the place to be. You can see a lot of the gorgeous sights (Grand Teton National Park, Snake River Valley, etc.) viaan aerial tram that runs from Teton Village to the top of Rendezvous Mountain. And thrill-seeking couples will be stoked to learn about the paragliding flights from the tram’s peak – it’s the largest vertical drop in the U.S. The National Elk Refuge and Laurance Rockefeller Preserve are musts. As for shows, you can watch real cowboys compete at the Jackson Hole Rodeo or some fake cowboys sing “Bless Yore Beautiful Hide” at The Jackson Hole Playhouse.
Love is often called the supreme emotion, with romantic love considered a peak experience. But in today’s world of Internet dating and social media, the path to finding romantic love may be more difficult to navigate than ever, according to Aziz Ansari, author of the new book, Modern Romance.
Ansari, a comic best known for his performance on the TV show Parks and Recreation, may be an odd choice to author a serious book on this subject. But, by teaming up New York University sociologist Eric Klinenberg, he’s written a fascinating, substantial, and humorous book exploring how technology has evolved along with the search for love and how it has shaped our romantic relationships.
Ansari spent over a year interviewing hundreds people from around the world about their dating experiences and love lives. He also combed through research and interviewed experts in the field—like happiness expert Jonathan Haidt, marriage and family historian Stephanie Coontz, and psychologist Barry Schwartz, who studies the science of choice, to name a few. The results of this search convinced Ansari that, while the immediacy of the Internet and the ubiquity of mobile phones have made some aspects of relationship-building easier, they’ve also made other aspects much more complicated.
In the past, single people may have met potential dates mostly through family, friends, or colleagues. These days, people can increase their dating choices exponentially via online dating services like OKCupid, Match.com or Tinder, to name a few, all with relative ease. The benefits are pretty obvious: your chance of meeting someone that you click with increases with the more people you meet. But, the downside of this wealth of opportunity is that it makes people tend to rush to judgment based on superficial information and to constantly second-guess themselves about whether, by dating someone, they may be settling too soon, before finding that the elusive Mr. or Ms. Right.
“The problem is that this search for the perfect person can generate a lot of stress,” writes Ansari. “Younger generations face immense pressure to find the ‘perfect person’ that simply didn’t exist in the past when ‘good enough’ was good enough.”
Other seeming benefits of technology can also go inadvertently wrong. For example, while many people enter the dating scene insecure about their attractiveness and fearful of making the first move, technology now allows them to test the waters a bit without jumping in—by Googling potential dates, checking out their Match.com profiles, or sending innocuous texts. Yet this may be less than ideal, especially since it’s hard to get a sense of someone via a highly choreographed online presence or to accurately gauge interest through texting alone, where miscommunication is rampant. As the anthropologist Helen Fisher argues: “There’s not a dating service on this planet that can do what the human brain can do in terms of finding the right person.” In other words, meeting face to face is important.
Ansari is all too familiar with the ways texting can be fraught. He humorously recounts his angst around texting potential dates, like having to decide how soon to respond to someone’s text—too soon, you seem overeager; too long, you seem disinterested—or spending hours crafting texts that are devoid of clear intentions. Because this can lead to insecurity and confusion, he suggests that texting should be used minimally, to communicate real interest and to set up a future dates.
“The key is to get off the screen and meet these people. Don’t spend your night in endless exchanges with strangers,” he writes.
Too often people text inappropriate things they might never say in person—e.g, “You’re hot!”—or text when they really should communicate in person, like when they’re ending a relationship. Though some of the stories Ansari shares on this front are entertaining for their absurdity, he is also quick to point out the sadder aspects of this phenomenon.
“For me the takeaway of these stories is that, no matter how many options we seem to have on our screens, we should be careful not to lose track of the human beings behind them,” he writes.
Though dating challenges may not be directly relevant to me as a married person, Ansari’s book also touches on the ways technology has affected ongoing relationships. For example, “sexting”—the sending of intimate photographs to other people’s phones—is an online tool that Ansari claims can have a positive as well negative impact on relationships. Which is funny, because I’ve always associated sexting with the downfall of politician Anthony Weiner or with stories of girls who sent sexts to boyfriends only to be humiliated later on Facebook. But Ansari has found that many people use sexting to add spark to an ongoing relationship, boost their body image, or make a long distance relationship more bearable—in other words, to encourage intimacy. The frequency with which people sext and their varied reasons for doing so just goes to show that, as Ansari writes, “What seems insane to one generation often ends up being the norm of the next.”
It’s also true that technology has put a “new spin” on the challenges of trust and betrayal in relationships. Research shows that most Americans—84 percent, according to the book—feel that adultery is morally wrong; yet a large percentage of Americans—somewhere between 20-40 percent of married men and around 25 percent of married women—have been involved in extra-marital affairs, possibly enabled by technology. Ansari questions the future of monogamy, plus the cost/benefit of having easy access to extra-marital affairs, not to mention your partner’s emails and texts, which could indicate infidelity. His insights into these issues are thought-provoking, if not always comfortable, which makes the book an enlightening read.
And, there’s another reason to pick up this book: I may not be looking for a date, but my teenage sons soon will be. Understanding what their search for love may look like in this new age of technology helps me to have more empathy for them, as well as, potentially, to give them some good advice. As Ansari reports, a full third of all new couples that married between 2005 and 2012 met through an online dating site. That means that it’s likely my sons may do the same—and be subject to the same ups and downs of that process. It behooves me to learn as much as I can about this new world. And it doesn’t hurt that Ansari presents this information with a fair amount of science reporting as well as humor.
Readers benefit from Ansari’s wry observations as well as from the knowledge of psychologists and other experts. We learn from Jonathan Haidt about the most difficult points in a typical relationship cycle; from Sherry Turkle about how technology is killing the art of conversation; and from Paul Eastwick and Lucy Hunt about why it’s so important to have sustained interactions with someone when you are choosing whether or not to date them. It’s probably this last observation that made Ansari realize he sometimes discounted potential dates very early on—sometimes after only one interaction—and that this was probably a mistake.
“There’s something uniquely valuable in everyone, and we’ll be much happier and better off if we invest the time and energy it takes to find it,” he writes.
Despite starting the book with confessions of his own personal foibles, Ansari eventually does chronicle the success he’s had in creating a stable, loving relationship in his early 30’s. While he seems happy now, he still extols the virtues of playing the field when you’re young, if only to better appreciate how tiring and lonely the single life can be over time. While perhaps technology has played a role in extending the age at which he found love, it’s clear he realizes that the search for a soul-mate is an important part of the human experience that technology can affect but not dim.
“Culture and technology have always shaken romance,” writes Ansari. But, “History shows that we’ve continually adapted to these changes. No matter the obstacle, we keep finding love and romance.”
My husband and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary at the weekend. Traditionalists insist the appropriate gift for such a landmark is something made of paper but, veering wildly off-theme, I bought him a smart and frankly not inexpensive pair of trainers. These I presented the day before our anniversary, privately calculating it would give him 24 hours to realise (a) what the date was, and (b) he should bestow on me something of approximately equal value.
So the next day, imagine my surprise (and by surprise I mean bewilderment and distress) when he proffered his own token of affection: a piece of cardboard, shiny black on one side. Formerly part of the very shoebox his new trainers had come in, it now lay on the restaurant table between us like a death notice. On the reverse side was scrawled: “Happy anniversary. I know you like the colour black so thought you’d like this”, followed by another line, one of actual heartfelt sentiment that I won’t reproduce here.
“You really shouldn’t have,” I said, entirely literally, crushing disappointment clouding my face. Not a flicker of remorse crossed his.
But why should it have? According to a survey published this week, modern man has a very different concept of what constitutes romance to the rest of the species.
One in four men, it turns out, is labouring under the illusion that simply refraining from using Facebook while watching television together is today’s equivalent of a candlelit dinner or a bunch of red roses. Others apparently see themselves recast as latter-day Don Juans if they go to the trouble of telling their inamorata they love her more than their football team. Which is fine, if the art of damning by faint praise is all you look for in a man.
But according to the same survey, some 55 per cent of women wish their partner was more romantic. So there is something of a mismatch between the sexes when it comes to how we feel romance is best expressed.
No one has made this clearer to me than my own dear spouse. But I have only myself to blame for his devastatingly literal interpretation of the “paper” wedding anniversary. I received plenty of warning this might happen years before we married. When his birthday rolled round for the first time after we got together, I thought I had better set a precedent: a surprise breakfast, tickets to an art exhibition, dinner in a pricey Soho restaurant. Then my birthday came around. He offered up two options for the celebrations: a frozen pizza or some leftover couscous salad that “really needs using up”. I burst into tears – but, amazingly, our relationship survived.
Despite how it sounds, I’m not materialistic. I am, besides, a diehard feminist who would sooner eat leftover couscous all year than take my husband’s name, perish the thought. But I will not watch dumbly as modern man does his darndest to kill off old-fashioned romance. It doesn’t make us feel more emancipated, chaps, it just makes us think you’re not trying hard enough.
It’s not about the amount of money you spend (although anything under pounds 1 doesn’t really scream everlasting love). It’s not about how grand the gesture. It’s more about the thought that goes into it, as the adage goes. It is hard to underestimate the time it takes to tear off a piece of cardboard on your way out of the house and scrawl a message on it; it takes me longer to write the weekly shopping list, and more love goes into that.
Similarly, staying off Facebook while watching television is not an adequate way of showing your feelings – although not checking it on your phone while eating dinner is a good start.
We are now more connected than ever to almost everyone we have ever met. Yet we find ourselves all the more disconnected from those closest to us, for precisely the same reason: the possibility of meaningful “real world” interaction when the family living space is invaded by a proliferation of screens linking us up to countless other people, images and activities is naturally diminished.
So what to do about this? Give in and accept the depressing downgrading of romance? Or, from time to time, maybe just on special occasions, an uninterrupted dinner a deux? A bunch of flowers that says “I still think you’re worth it”? A trip to the shops to choose a personal anniversary card? I can’t imagine too many women turning those down.
“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” -~Sam Keen
Before I married my wonderful husband, I dated a lot of men. For most of my 20s (and even my early 30s) I had a perfect fairy-ideal of what romantic love was, probably because I was an actress and loved drama back then.
It took years for me to realize a relationship is not a romance movie.
At some point in our lives, we may believe that love should be like the kind of romance we see portrayed in films, television, and novels.
For some reason, I always thought my romantic relationships were less if I did not experience this kind of fairy-tale relationship. Maybe this is why I kept meeting frogs.
At times, I bought into the belief that if I had a relationship with the perfect prince, then all would be well in my life. I thought, Now, I will be safe forever.
In truth, I did marry a prince—but a prince who is also human, who has faults and issues just like every person, no matter how wonderful he is.
At some point I grew up and learned to let go of the crazy metaphor of romantic love in order to find true happiness. Yes, I was disappointed to realize that the knight riding through the night to save the damsel in distress is a fallacy. It’s a bummer.
But, let’s look at it in this light: We all saw Romeo and Juliet and Titanic. Why stories like these make our hearts sing is that the love is unrequited. Unavailability fuels the romantic expression.
This kind of romantic story can only work when there is an absence of the lover. Sometimes, they have to die in the end in order for their love to fit into this romantic view. Or, we eat handfuls of popcorn, waiting to see if they live happily ever after, and we rarely find out if they really do.
The romantic love fantasy is really a substitute for intimacy—real, connected, vulnerable intimacy.
So then, how do we make relationships work and stay happy?
We begin with the understanding of what pure love is, and then redefine and update the romantic fairytale into a healthier type of love.
Here are 10 ways to create true intimacy, find pure love, and be truly happy in your relationship:
1. Use relationships to teach you how to be whole within.
Relationships aren’t about having another person complete you, but coming to the relationship whole and sharing your life interdependently. By letting go of the romantic ideal of merging and becoming “one,” you learn as Rainer Maria Rilke says, to love the distances in relationship as much as the togetherness.
2. See your partner for who he or she really is.
The romantic tragedy occurs when you view the person you are in love with as a symbol of what they have come to represent, the idea of them. When you realize that more often than not you don’t really know your partner, you begin to discover who they are and how they change and evolve.
3. Be willing to learn from each other.
The key is to see the other as a mirror and learn from the reflection how you can be a better person. When you feel upset, rather than blame your partner and point fingers, remain awake to what has yet to be healed in yourself.
4. Get comfortable being alone.
In order to accept that love can’t rescue you from being alone, learn to spend time being with yourself. By feeling safe and secure to be on your own within the framework of relationship, you will feel more complete, happy, and whole.
5. Look closely at why a fight may begin.
Some couples create separateness by fighting and then making up over and over again. This allows you to continue the romantic trance, creating drama and avoiding real intimacy. If you become aware of what you fear about intimacy, you’ll have a better sense of why you’re fighting—and likely will fight far less.
6. Own who you are.
We generally grasp at romantic love because we’re yearning for something that is out of reach, something in another person that we don’t think we possess in ourselves. Unfortunately, when we finally get love, we discover that we didn’t get what we were looking for.
True love only exists by loving yourself first. You can only get from another person what you’re willing to give yourself.
7. Embrace ordinariness.
After the fairy-dust start of a relationship ends, we discover ordinariness, and we often do everything we can to avoid it. The trick is to see that ordinariness can become the real “juice” of intimacy. The day-to-day loveliness of sharing life with a partner can, and does, become extraordinary.
8. Expand your heart.
One thing that unites us is that we all long to be happy. This happiness usually includes the desire to be close to someone in a loving way. To create real intimacy, get in touch with the spaciousness of your heart and bring awareness to what is good within you.
It’s easier to recognize the good in your partner when you’re connected to the good in yourself.
9. Focus on giving love.
Genuine happiness is not about feeling good about ourselves because other people love us; it’s more about how well we have loved ourselves and others. The unintentional outcome of loving others more deeply is that we are loved more deeply.
10. Let go of expectations.
You may look to things such as romance and constant togetherness to fill a void in yourself. This will immediately cause suffering. If you unconsciously expect to receive love in certain ways to avoid giving that love to yourself, you put your sense of security in someone else.
Draw upon your own inner-resources to offer love, attention, and nurturance to yourself when you need it. Then you can let love come to you instead of putting expectations on what it needs to look like.
These are only a few ways to explore real intimacy. How do you create a loving connection in your relationship?
The majority of women have told me that they want more intimacy in their relationships. Women want to feel connected with their partner and genuinely loved.
When referring to the complex area of sex, making blanket statements such as men want………..and women want………… is difficult to do because it oversimplifies an extremely personal and individualistic issue.
Clearly there is a wide variety of kinds of sexual relationships and experiences that people can share and enjoy.
To be more precise, what men and women each want in the area of sex needs to be defined on an individual basis. Thus, whatever a person is missing or longs for with regards to the subject of sex is simply what that person needs at that time in their life. For example, some women enjoy having a lot of tenderness and affection but crave a little intensity in the bedroom. Other women may experience their share of intense, physical sex but desire more affection, consideration, and gentleness for balance.
Yet when looking at the population as a whole and talking with a great number of people, some conclusions can be drawn based upon the majority.
Over the years what women have told me they want spans quite a diverse range. Yet the majority of women have told me that they want more intimacy in their relationships. Women want to feel connected with their partner and genuinely loved. They usually want to be told why their man loves them, and what it is about her that he recognizes as special. Women have often said they want to be held more, kissed more, caressed more, touched more, and talked to more. If they were to have more sex, they want it to be more passionate love-making. They want more intimacy in and out of the bedroom.
Women also need to be acknowledged for what they contribute to the family and their man’s life. They need to be respected as intelligent and capable, and appreciated for all of their wonderful attributes and special features. The average woman wants more hugs, more affection, more intimacy regularly. They want to be told often that they are beautiful, that their partner enjoys them, and that their man wants to be with them.
Often men can get along without reinforcement and intimacy for long periods of time, and so they assume the same is true for women. Unfortunately quite a few men still think they can sustain a woman with occasional bursts of intimacy, such as a nice gift, or a rare verbal acknowledgment. But most women need and want more than just sporadic maintenance intimacy. They need daily attentionto keep them running smoothly and happily.
After couples marry, many men only put forth the effort to show what they think is the necessary amount of romance. They sometimes base their conclusions on how much they need, and then give just a little more.
It’s not the flowers, chocolates, poems or gifts that women really want. What they really want are the gestures that show that their partner loves them and cares enough to expend some energy showing it!
Women typically expect and appreciate much more involvement from their relationships. They usually want more consistant and enthusiastic expressions of love and affection. They want to know, regularly, that they aren’t being taken for granted.
Many marriages eventually end because men never really take their partner’s needs seriously.
Many of the married women that I’ve talked with who have had extramarital affairs said they fell for men who were interested in them, who talked with and listened to them. The men they were drawn to were enthused about them and showed it. The feelings of respect, appreciation, and passion were missing in their marriage. It is my belief that missing those feelings of intimacy has led more women to have affairs than a mere sexual attraction.
Women who have high self-esteem and believe in equality aren’t satisfied with just being a sexual object. They want to be seen as much more than that, and rightfully resent some men’s attempts to have them be just a sex toy. Many women resent a man’s ability to, or interest in having uninvolved sex. Many expect more from their partner than just sex.
Most women aren’t satisfied if the physical sex is all they have. Even if they regularly experience orgasms, most women will get bored if that’s all their sex life consists of. They must feel love and connection with their partner as well. While this may not be news to women, quite a few men either don’t know this or don’t really take it seriously.
For many women, even though they may enjoy orgasms and the physical sensations, sex is more of a vehicle for making love and sharing affection and intimacy with their partner. The more a man understands and respects this the better off he’ll be in the long run. Since women often say they need to feel more loved, if they did, they may feel more inclined to have more sex, which is what many men say they would like.
Thankfully, for both genders, an increasing number of women today feel free to take more initiative and allow themselves to experience sex for pleasure and intimacy. Today more women are able to ask for more of what they want and need from their partner. Successful relationships usually include a man who respects this quality in his female counterpart.
I didn’t even know that you were so amazing. That you were the only person I really trusted in my life.
That you were the only one that could take care of my computer problems, my personal drama, fix anything, take care of our bills, make me laugh, plus finish our entire house inside and out. A skill set you had, O so amazing, but I didn’t even know.
I didn’t know how unique that was. I didn’t get to tell you I am in awe of you.
I didn’t get to tell you.
I would trade everything and anything for one more moment with you to tell you all of this.
I’d tell you how lucky I am to have met you. How special you are and how no one could ever be as cool as you, for me.
I’d hold you so tight and I’d never complain about your work schedule, or your meetings, or your social life. I would love you for it all, because you are perfect just as you are.
Did I love you enough?
Babes I ask myself this all the time, I loved you so much but could I have done better?
Could I have seen you more fully. Loved you more entirely? Praised you more freely?
I am sitting with my sister-in-law, a contented wife and mother of four, in the garden of her summer house on a balmy afternoon. We are discussing the recent remarriage of a friend of hers, an older man who might have been expected to marry a different sort of woman—less arm-candyish and more compelling—than the shiny young blond he ended up choosing. My sister-in-law goes on to observe how none of her single older female friends, whether divorced or widowed, are dating. She says it matter-of-factly, but the obvious implication is that this is an unfortunate situation, something to be clucked over. Looking across her dock at the seagulls companionably weaving in and out of the water, I find myself thinking that I am just like these women, uncoupled and dating no one. The truth of the matter, however, is that far from seeing this as something to be pitied, a large part of me sees it as a condition of inadvertent freedom to be devoutly held on to.
Lest you think this claim is no more than some form of adroitly rationalized sour grapes, let me hasten to add that I have arrived at this point of view only lately. Like most other heterosexual women, I have spent much of my adult life in relationships with men, as either a girlfriend or once, briefly, as a bona fide wife. After I got divorced in my late thirties, I pretty much expected to marry again and, within the next decade, came close to doing so twice. On both occasions—one contender was an immigration lawyer with an acute case of separation anxiety, the other a compulsively womanizing psychiatrist—I pulled back, unwilling to take the next step. I was afraid of the claustrophobic feeling I associated with being a couple—the way it closes off other romantic options, for one thing (certainly if you’re monogamously inclined, as I am), and, for another, dictates that you go through life two by two, like the animals entering Noah’s ark.
Sometimes it seems to me that the prospect of waking up every morning to the same face seems like too much of a muchness, a condition primed to induce restlessness in all but the most emotionally sedentary of us. Getting tired of one’s partner isn’t all that different, when you think about it, from wearying of one’s own too-familiar self. To be quite candid about it, being identifed as a couple has always made me feel a bit entrapped, like finding yourself inside a room with the door locked from the outside. I understood implicitly what Michael D., one of the patients in Stephen Grosz’s book,The Examined Life, was getting at when he explained that “when I’m in a couple, I feel I’m disappearing, dying—losing my mind.” It may be an exaggeration of my own sentiments, but not by much.
And, indeed, who among us hasn’t experienced on occasion the smug, airless “we”-ness of couples, the enforced common ground of their thinking: “We love Verdi,” or “We’ve never gone for Indian food”? Of course, you could argue that this commitment to an unchanging dual identity is a small price to pay for feeling less alone in the world. No matter that it takes a certain degree of clear- eyed, bottom-line calculating to become a couple in the frst place, a cumulative (albeit largely unconscious) assessment that there is no one better for you out there. Or that if there is, the chances are small that you will discover each other— and now is an improvement over never.
“I had an opportunity to have a long discussion with her fiance the day before he proposed”
My daughter recently became engaged, and I had an opportunity to have a long discussion with her fiance the day before he proposed about her, marriage, and living life together. The topic of how hard he wants to work to make his fiancee, and soon to be wife, feel special and loved came up repeatedly in our conversation.
What can a husband do to help his wife feel special and know that she is loved?
This list, built after years of observation and experience, will help stimulate ideas of your own for helping your wife feel special.
Send her a love note
Handwriting notes and letters is becoming a lost art in an era of instant communications and technology. A love note, written by hand, is an expression that communicates love, caring, and giving of one’s time and self.
A short note sharing your love, your admiration of her, your appreciation of her special traits, and your commitment to her speaks volumes about how special she is.
Learn to speak her love language
Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages has been a true revelation in many relationships. Chapman makes the case that most people receive messages of love in one (or more) of five different ways. The way we receive love is our “love language.” The five languages are:
Words of affirmation
Quality time
Physical touch
Receiving gifts
Acts of service
My primary love language is words of affirmation; my wife’s is quality time. So hearing from her how wonderful I am communicates love to me, but that love language doesn’t work for her.
I need to give her undivided attention and lots of it for her to feel love. Take time to determine which love language works for your wife or partner, and then speak love in her love language.
Get ‘er done
Do you have a “honey-do” list a mile long? I know that with my hectic schedule, my list never seems to end.
Doing things that are on her list is a good way to show how special she is to you. If she sees you doing the things that are important to her, she will feel love and devotion. Painting the family room, cleaning up the garage, or following through on a commitment to the kids will make a big difference in how she feels about you and about her worth to you.
Call her on the phone
A phone call in the middle of the day lets her know that you are thinking about her. Consider calling at a random time, when she will least expect it, and just tell her that you are thinking about her, wanting to know how her day is going and to communicate love. It is easy to get caught up in all the business of the day, and she knows it. So taking time to call and let hew know she is important will make a big positive difference in her day.
Send sweet text messages
If you have the ability to communicate via text message, consider sending texts that communicate love, and maybe even flirt occasionally. Here are a few suggestions to get your ideas flowing about what might work for your partner.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together!
Thinking of you makes me smile.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
I just moved you up to the top of my TO DO list
Plan a romantic getaway
Find someone responsible to take the kids and make plans for a weekend away. Plan everything out, choosing things that she likes to do. For example, make dinner reservations and get tickets for a play, a movie or an event she would enjoy. Reserve a hotel room, pack her bags, and make sure her calendar is clear. Some quality time with things she loves to do is an awesome way to communicate how special your wife is to you.
Make it physical
Lots of dads will read this and think sex. But remember, our partners want to be touched in more ways than we like to be touched. Consider an extra long hug in the morning, or a kiss hello or goodbye that lasts about 15 seconds. A back rub, foot rub, or a tender massage communicates worlds about your feelings for her. Physical touch is important in a relationship, and while it often leads to sexual touching, your wife will love the extra attention and the feeling of being touched without it having to lead to something else.
Listen fully engaged
With our busy and demanding world where work tends to invade every moment of life, it is easy to be distracted at home. Even the kids can create significant distractions from meaningful communication. One habit my partner and I picked up long ago is setting aside 30 minutes each evening to just talk. No television, no kids, no telephone or computer, no friends. Having half and hour for just us has really helped with our communications patterns and allows me to be fully engaged in the conversation.Active listening, where you listen with all your senses for intent and feeling, is a big communicator of love and affection.
Cook for her
There is something a bit romantic and something that communicates love and caring when a man cooks for his woman. Plan ahead for a meal she likes. Find a recipe, get the ingredients, and the follow the recipe to create a great meal for her. A little pampering like being able to eat a meal that she didn’t have to plan for or prepare goes a long way in letting her know how much you care.
Give her a break
One things our partners don’t usually get at home is a break. From the time she gets up until the time she crashes into bed, it is usually one very long day with more demands on her time that she can fill. This is especially true if she is a stay-at-home mom where she is likely starved for adult human contact. And moms who work outside the home also tend to carry with them all day their responsibility as a mother. Giving her a break from the stresses of the day can really communicate love. A hot bath with some music she enjoys while you clean up, go through the bedtime routine with the kids and get things ready for the next day will really help her feel your love and your specific concern for her and her needs.
Whatever you do, make sure that you regularly communicate how special your wife is to you. Little things are big things, and it is important to identify how she receives your communication of love and to make time to make these little expressions happen.
If you feel that daily sex will make you both happier, read on. According to fascinating research, the action between the sheets once a week is enough to reignite and keep the passion and love alive between the two souls.
Although more frequent sex is associated with greater happiness, this link was no longer significant at a frequency of more than once a week, the team revealed.
“Our findings suggest that it’s important to maintain an intimate connection with your partner, but you do not need to have sex everyday as long as you are maintaining that connection,” said lead researcher Amy Muise, social psychologist and postdoctoral fellow at the University of Toronto-Mississauga.
The results, based on surveys of more than 30,000 Americans collected over four decades, reveal that happiness quotient is not there after couples report having sex more than once a week on average.
In one study, researchers analysed survey responses conducted by the University of Chicago about sexual frequency and general happiness from more than 25,000 Americans (11,285 men, 14,225 women).
For couples, happiness tended to increase with more frequent sex but this is no longer true after couples report engaging in sex more than once a week.
Despite common stereotypes that men want more sex and older people have less sex, there was no difference in the findings based on gender, age or length of relationship.
“Our findings were consistent for men and women, younger and older people, and couples who had been married for a few years or decades,” Muise noted.
Sex may be more strongly associated with happiness than is money. To find this, the researchers also conducted an online survey with 335 people (138 men, 197 women) who were in long-term relationships and found similar results as the first study.
These participants were also asked about their annual income, and there was a larger difference in happiness between people who had sex less than once a month compared to people who had sex once a week than between people who had an income of $15,000-$25,000 compared to people who had an income of $50,000-$75,000 per year.
“People often think that more money and more sex equal more happiness, but this is only true up to a point,” Muise pointed out.
The findings don’t necessarily mean that couples should engage in more or less sex to reach the weekly average but partners should discuss whether their sexual needs are being met.
“It’s important to maintain an intimate connection with your partner without putting too much pressure on engaging in sex as frequently as possible,” Muise advised.
However, the findings were specific to people in romantic relationships and there was no association between sexual frequency and well being for single people.
The findings were published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science.
With city skylines glittering with illuminations and enough festive delicacies to make everyone loosen their belt buckles a few notches, the Christmas season is upon us once again. The only question is: where should you spend the big day?
Whether you want to soak up the atmosphere of Europe’s vibrant Christmas markets; visit Santa’s hometown; attend Christmas mass with the Pope; or enjoy a picture-perfect white Christmas, here are 25 of the best places to spend Christmas around the world.
1. Austria
With elaborately-woven Advent wreaths, nativity displays and sparkling tree ornaments, Austria‘s handcrafted Christmas decorations are just one of the reasons to visit the country’s celebrated Christmas markets. Salzburg, birthplace of Mozart, delivers a traditional Christmas, with classical music concerts, carol singers and an atmospheric market piled with traditional baked goods, candied fruits and roasted chestnuts. Alternatively, Vienna’s main Christmas Market is one of the oldest in Europe, dating back to the late 13th-century.
Home to Europe’s original ‘Christkindlmarkt’ Christmas market, Germany is one of the continent’s most festive destinations come December. Visit the oldest Christmas market in Dresden, dating back to 1435; Munich’s huge Marienplatz market and Tollwood Winter Festival; or Berlin’s hugely popular Christmas Market, held in the grounds of the stunning Charlottenburg Castle. Make sure you tuck into someLebkuchen – delicious spiced gingerbread — washed down with a cup of Glühwein — hot mulled wine.
The inspiration behind Charles Dickens’ famous novel A Christmas Carol, London has no shortage of festive traditions to keep visitors entertained over the holidays. Expect a spectacular array of Christmas lights brightening up the city streets; vibrant Christmas markets stretching along the Thames River and Hyde Park; magical Santa’s grottos; and ice rinks popping up below the city’s landmark buildings. Don’t forget to tuck into a healthy portion of Christmas pudding, too – the festive dessert dates back to medieval England and the English still swear by their secret recipe, served doused in flaming brandy.
Spend Christmas in the world’s most romantic city, Paris, where the city lives up to its nickname the ‘City of Lights’, with a glittering display of Christmas lights – don’t miss the animated window displays at department store Galeries Lafayette. Go ice-skating or shop for gifts beneath the iconic Eiffel Tower; visit one of the many Christmas-themed markets or take a ride on the giant Ferris wheel at Place la Concorde. If you’re in France over the holidays, pay a visit to the ‘capital of Christmas’ too – Strasbourg hosts the country’s most renowned Christmas markets, dating back to 1570, and draws visitors from all over Europe.
Even if you’re not a regular churchgoer, Christmas Eve is one night of the year when people all over the world descend on their local church for the special midnight mass service. And where better to celebrate the birth of Christ, than at the Vatican in Rome, with Pope Benedict XVI himself? Papal audiences with the Pope, featuring readings, a blessing and prayers are held year round in St Peter’s Basilica, the colonnaded square in the Vatican city, but few services are as memorable as Christmas mass. Held at 10pm on Christmas Eve, then again at 12pm on Christmas day, make sure you book your tickets in advance if you don’t want to miss out.
