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Romance, Cat photos and Emojis

by Virginia Jonesin LOVE1 Comment on Romance, Cat photos and Emojis

“I go out walkin’ after midnight
Out in the moonlight
Just like we used to do
I’m always walkin’ after midnight, searchin’ for you”
– As sung by Patsy Cline, written by Alan Block and Donn Hecht

In Walkin’ after Midnight, Patsy Cline sings about walking around her neighborhood, thinking about her ex lover and wishing to be with him.  She seems to be hoping that the energy of her desire will draw him out of his house and bring them together.  This song is so sad and full of longing, and it couldn’t happen today.

She’d just send him a text: ‘sup?  And if he was up, he’d write “u up?” and they’d start sexting and eventually hook up at her place, or behind a P.F. Chang’s.

Going back even further, you may not know that the legendary lantern signal one if by land, two if by sea was actually the way that colonist Paul Revere let his mistress know if his wife had gone to bed and she could come over.

Now he’d just Instagram a picture of two lanterns and caption it “Hey ladies”.

Classic romance films An Affair to Remember and Sleepless in Seattle both had a scene where a man waits atop the Empire State Building for a woman to meet him, his heart filled with hope and anxiety and longing, but not today.  He’d wait five minutes and send her an emoji of a clock and an angry face, and she’d text him back with an eggplant and a thumbs up, or something.   The main twist to all romantic films from here forward will always have to include a broken phone, or losing battery and not being able to find an outlet to charge.

Technology has completely changed the way we communicate, and late night communication in particular.  If Lord Byron wanted to send a secret missive, he had to wake a servant up to hand deliver a handwritten note, and that servant had to wake up her servant, and what if your servants are sleepy, or, worse, you don’t have any?  You’re limited to throwing rocks at a window or moaning out on your balcony, “Romeo!  Wherefore art thou?”

Now, it’s almost too easy.  Once you’ve had a couple drinks and watched Magic Mike XXL, you might reach out to a friend or ex or acquaintance in a more direct way than you would at lunchtime on a Tuesday.  That’s ok, or at least, it’s normal- but if you do find that you’re embarrassed by your late night phone behavior, use my friend’s policy:  he doesn’t write anyone between midnight and 7am, less it be construed as a sext.  “Anything I want to say can wait until it’s daylight,” he says.

young couple in kitchen drinking coffee and using smart mobile phone

We communicate via text much more than in any other method.  It’s easier than ever to use messaging to reduce physical distance between people- but be careful once you start dating, because it can make you feel more distant.

In a study published this year, Pew Research found that 25 percent of cellphone users in a relationship believed that their partner was distracted by that person’s cellphone when they were together, and 45% of internet users ages 18-29 in serious relationships say the internet and phones have had an impact on their relationship.

What do we take from all this?  It’s great to get in touch on your phone, it’s great to stay in touch, but try to prioritize the people you’re actually with and have a better connection with them.  Try the following:

Treat your date or outing like a job interview, and keep your phone in your purse or pocket until you’re leaving.  Try leaving it in your car’s glove compartment.  That’s right.  Turn it off and put it in a box.  It’s not your friend.

Try logging out of Facebook, so when you do decide to check it, you have to log back in to see how many people liked your cat picture.  It’ll make you more aware of how often you just check in, and are able to consider how often is really necessary.

At the very least, pop into Airplane Mode to silence the delicious little buzzes and bells that let you know someone somewhere has done something.  Try to live in the moment, and pay attention to the person you like doing that with.

Modern Marriage Part 1: Why I Eloped

by Alexandra Norrisin LOVE

Don’t freak out or anything. But I have some news. I got married. And to tell you the truth, not much has changed.

We are all living in a new world now. Priorities are shifting. Spending $30k to feel like a rich princess for a day in what is effectively a quinceanera for grownups, may not be your bag, and it wasn’t ours either.

Most of our close friends are spread across various cities, states and other countries; and the idea of something very private between us made public, rendered by my boyfriend extremely uncomfortable. While I am a little more comfortable with receiving attention, I would rather spend that time and money going out to visit them; or hosting them when it’s convenient for them and we can spend time together individually.

Here’s the other thing; eloping is fun. It is easy. And most importantly, it is about the two people getting married. There is no other time in a relationship when other people are invited in; no funeral for the end of one, no party for electing to stay single. No one cares about your anniversaries. When you elope, you get to do things the way you want to, on your own terms, without having to worry about keeping other people happy.

For us, as an international couple in our early 30s; in a relationship for nearly two years, and living together for half of that time, being married allows us to start making long term plans. I can actually start seeing myself staying with him long term and developing our lives together in one place like real grown ups.

A wedding wasn’t our focus, it was simply solidifying our existence as a team. I like to compare it to signing the mortgage on our love. The event itself was an afterthought; a whim, really. Something we discussed in pragmatic terms for some time and when the stars aligned, we went for it. We were never officially engaged, and ‘fiance’ was a term I never coveted nor used. In the weeks leading up to our shotgun love mortgage, I contacted close friends and family to invite them down, but when I saw my husband-to-be’s visible discomfort with any form of attention, I reeled it back in.

Once we get settled, we do plan on having a party with close friends and some family, maybe even several of them, in different places, as a kind of honeymoon/reception double feature. With a healthy distance between being married this sounds like our kind of adventure. One where any feelings of pressure surrounding being put on display, or entertaining others with our private feelings and plans together, grow rapidly smaller in our rear-view.

On our wedding day, my boyfriend brought his father who was visiting from out of town. I brought my friend to officiate and double as my emotional touchstone. We spoke to our other close ones on the phone.

My mother was ready to hop on a plane, but wouldn’t make it in time. I really wanted her to be there, but she has always been one to offer immediate and unflinching support, without holding on too tightly. I’ve always been a wanderlust out on some other part of the world as soon as I could get my hands on it, and she knew this was on the horizon for us, so this was no surprise and we were okay.  My recently estranged brother was crestfallen not to be there, but took the opportunity to break his silence with some very kind things that opened up our relationship in a lovely way.

My mother-in-law to be, however, made her objections known over the phone. I can imagine this sort of thing is hard for a lot of family members, and especially a mother, protective of her son.  She and I have very different ideas about marriage, which I completely understood. She kindly, firmly and respectfully filibustered our plan over the phone. As soon as he caught wind of this, my future father in law swiftly instructed his son to get me off the phone and be there for me while he started the car.

The sincere care I heard for both of us (though, obviously mostly for him) came through amidst her reservations, and the warmth and eager support I received immediately from his father solidified a profound love and appreciation for a family I barely knew. I saw a lot of my husband in him. As I sat in the back seat of the car heading to the chapel,  I watched them both for a moment and took in how fortunate I was to be in their company.

We arrived at the very friendly little chapel, expecting to sign the papers and be on our way, when they happened to have a room open up at the end of the day. I think it might have helped that they liked us, as they let us go inside and make up our own ceremony. It was silly and fun and just for us.

In the aftermath, despite being alternately nervous about taking the leap, and dismissive of the whole idea of traditional marriage, I have been pleasantly surprised with how relaxed things have felt since we pulled the trigger. It feels like a weight’s been lifted and married life is actually a lot fun so far. That honeymoon period is real, y’all.

One thing that I’ve found interesting, has been how much everyone else freaks out about it all; both eloping and our marriage in general. It’s like there is something in us that needs to explode a little bit  and let that Bridget Jones out of her diary for a second, and I sympathize. I get excited for my friends when they are excited about their love.  We have all been encouraged to get excited about the pomp and circumstance of it all, practically since birth.

I love sentiment and I do like jewelry; but tradition isn’t the right fit for us. I don’t like the idea of having a dress I will never wear again collecting space in my closet. The idea of an overpriced rock on my hand to mark someone’s claim on me isn’t appealing either.

With that said, I will most definitely accept a ring, or a necklace, or earrings (wait no, I’ll probably lose those, maybe a bracelet) just for the hell of it. My grandmother instilled this in me with her very glamourous collection of baubles. As wonderful and beautiful as those things are, however, we don’t have that kind of money right now. The way he routinely plugs my phone in for me when I forget, or how he kisses my head before he leaves for work early in the morning while I sleep, are the kinds of things that squeeze my heart more than trying to get him to fit into a box of things he is prescribed to do.

Here is our To Do list, while we chip away at our hefty collection of debt and pull ourselves into an improved financial situation:

  • Adopt a dog and a cat to grow up together (his idea, I’m fine with it)
  • Sell our cars and get one slightly shinier one to share (my idea, he is fine with it)
  • Find an affordable apartment of our own, with enough space for our friends or parents to visit (an idea we share equally); ideally with a room that can also double as our solitude from each other’s farts– or an office…

Even if we wanted it, traditional stuff doesn’t have much room to fit on that list.

In another relationship, at another time in my life, with a different person, perhaps all of this would be different. Perhaps an extravagant affair or someone I call “fiance” for a year would make sense. As we have grown together, I have learned that anniversaries, birthdays and other forced gift-events are not going to work for us. But, every month he dutifully budgets taking me out to whatever new restaurant he’s discovered which has at least four stars and 200 yelp reviews, and to every single movie theatre in a 15 mile radius, as long as we can get there before the trailers start. That is what works for us, and I am kind of proud of that.

What is your idea of a modern wedding?

Modern Romance With Today’s Technology

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

How is technology shaping romance today?

Love is often called the supreme emotion, with romantic love considered a peak experience. But in today’s world of Internet dating and social media, the path to finding romantic love may be more difficult to navigate than ever, according to Aziz Ansari, author of the new book, Modern Romance.

Ansari, a comic best known for his performance on the TV show Parks and Recreation, may be an odd choice to author a serious book on this subject. But, by teaming up New York University sociologist Eric Klinenberg, he’s written a fascinating, substantial, and humorous book exploring how technology has evolved along with the search for love and how it has shaped our romantic relationships.

Ansari spent over a year interviewing hundreds people from around the world about their dating experiences and love lives. He also combed through research and interviewed experts in the field—like happiness expert Jonathan Haidt, marriage and family historian Stephanie Coontz, and psychologist Barry Schwartz, who studies the science of choice, to name a few. The results of this search convinced Ansari that, while the immediacy of the Internet and the ubiquity of mobile phones have made some aspects of relationship-building easier, they’ve also made other aspects much more complicated.

love button showing concept for online dating

In the past, single people may have met potential dates mostly through family, friends, or colleagues. These days, people can increase their dating choices exponentially via online dating services like OKCupid, Match.com or Tinder, to name a few, all with relative ease. The benefits are pretty obvious: your chance of meeting someone that you click with increases with the more people you meet. But, the downside of this wealth of opportunity is that it makes people tend to rush to judgment based on superficial information and to constantly second-guess themselves about whether, by dating someone, they may be settling too soon, before finding that the elusive Mr. or Ms. Right.

“The problem is that this search for the perfect person can generate a lot of stress,” writes Ansari. “Younger generations face immense pressure to find the ‘perfect person’ that simply didn’t exist in the past when ‘good enough’ was good enough.”

Other seeming benefits of technology can also go inadvertently wrong. For example, while many people enter the dating scene insecure about their attractiveness and fearful of making the first move, technology now allows them to test the waters a bit without jumping in—by Googling potential dates, checking out their Match.com profiles, or sending innocuous texts. Yet this may be less than ideal, especially since it’s hard to get a sense of someone via a highly choreographed online presence or to accurately gauge interest through texting alone, where miscommunication is rampant. As the anthropologist Helen Fisher argues: “There’s not a dating service on this planet that can do what the human brain can do in terms of finding the right person.” In other words, meeting face to face is important.

Ansari is all too familiar with the ways texting can be fraught. He humorously recounts his angst around texting potential dates, like having to decide how soon to respond to someone’s text—too soon, you seem overeager; too long, you seem disinterested—or spending hours crafting texts that are devoid of clear intentions. Because this can lead to insecurity and confusion, he suggests that texting should be used minimally, to communicate real interest and to set up a future dates.

“The key is to get off the screen and meet these people. Don’t spend your night in endless exchanges with strangers,” he writes.

Too often people text inappropriate things they might never say in person—e.g, “You’re hot!”—or text when they really should communicate in person, like when they’re ending a relationship. Though some of the stories Ansari shares on this front are entertaining for their absurdity, he is also quick to point out the sadder aspects of this phenomenon.

“For me the takeaway of these stories is that, no matter how many options we seem to have on our screens, we should be careful not to lose track of the human beings behind them,” he writes.

Though dating challenges may not be directly relevant to me as a married person, Ansari’s book also touches on the ways technology has affected ongoing relationships. For example, “sexting”—the sending of intimate photographs to other people’s phones—is an online tool that Ansari claims can have a positive as well negative impact on relationships. Which is funny, because I’ve always associated sexting with the downfall of politician Anthony Weiner or with stories of girls who sent sexts to boyfriends only to be humiliated later on Facebook. But Ansari has found that many people use sexting to add spark to an ongoing relationship, boost their body image, or make a long distance relationship more bearable—in other words, to encourage intimacy. The frequency with which people sext and their varied reasons for doing so just goes to show that, as Ansari writes, “What seems insane to one generation often ends up being the norm of the next.”

It’s also true that technology has put a “new spin” on the challenges of trust and betrayal in relationships. Research shows that most Americans—84 percent, according to the book—feel that adultery is morally wrong; yet a large percentage of Americans—somewhere between 20-40 percent of married men and around 25 percent of married women—have been involved in extra-marital affairs, possibly enabled by technology. Ansari questions the future of monogamy, plus the cost/benefit of having easy access to extra-marital affairs, not to mention your partner’s emails and texts, which could indicate infidelity. His insights into these issues are thought-provoking, if not always comfortable, which makes the book an enlightening read.

And, there’s another reason to pick up this book: I may not be looking for a date, but my teenage sons soon will be. Understanding what their search for love may look like in this new age of technology helps me to have more empathy for them, as well as, potentially, to give them some good advice. As Ansari reports, a full third of all new couples that married between 2005 and 2012 met through an online dating site. That means that it’s likely my sons may do the same—and be subject to the same ups and downs of that process. It behooves me to learn as much as I can about this new world. And it doesn’t hurt that Ansari presents this information with a fair amount of science reporting as well as humor.

Readers benefit from Ansari’s wry observations as well as from the knowledge of psychologists and other experts. We learn from Jonathan Haidt about the most difficult points in a typical relationship cycle; from Sherry Turkle about how technology is killing the art of conversation; and from Paul Eastwick and Lucy Hunt about why it’s so important to have sustained interactions with someone when you are choosing whether or not to date them. It’s probably this last observation that made Ansari realize he sometimes discounted potential dates very early on—sometimes after only one interaction—and that this was probably a mistake.

“There’s something uniquely valuable in everyone, and we’ll be much happier and better off if we invest the time and energy it takes to find it,” he writes.

Despite starting the book with confessions of his own personal foibles, Ansari eventually does chronicle the success he’s had in creating a stable, loving relationship in his early 30’s. While he seems happy now, he still extols the virtues of playing the field when you’re young, if only to better appreciate how tiring and lonely the single life can be over time. While perhaps technology has played a role in extending the age at which he found love, it’s clear he realizes that the search for a soul-mate is an important part of the human experience that technology can affect but not dim.

“Culture and technology have always shaken romance,” writes Ansari. But, “History shows that we’ve continually adapted to these changes. No matter the obstacle, we keep finding love and romance.”

And that is no laughing matter.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Have We Forgotten Old-Style Romance?

by zfortadminin LOVE

Have men forgotten how to impress?

My husband and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary at the weekend. Traditionalists insist the appropriate gift for such a landmark is something made of paper but, veering wildly off-theme, I bought him a smart and frankly not inexpensive pair of trainers. These I presented the day before our anniversary, privately calculating it would give him 24 hours to realise (a) what the date was, and (b) he should bestow on me something of approximately equal value.

So the next day, imagine my surprise (and by surprise I mean bewilderment and distress) when he proffered his own token of affection: a piece of cardboard, shiny black on one side. Formerly part of the very shoebox his new trainers had come in, it now lay on the restaurant table between us like a death notice. On the reverse side was scrawled: “Happy anniversary. I know you like the colour black so thought you’d like this”, followed by another line, one of actual heartfelt sentiment that I won’t reproduce here.

“You really shouldn’t have,” I said, entirely literally, crushing disappointment clouding my face. Not a flicker of remorse crossed his.

But why should it have? According to a survey published this week, modern man has a very different concept of what constitutes romance to the rest of the species.

red rosesOne in four men, it turns out, is labouring under the illusion that simply refraining from using Facebook while watching television together is today’s equivalent of a candlelit dinner or a bunch of red roses. Others apparently see themselves recast as latter-day Don Juans if they go to the trouble of telling their inamorata they love her more than their football team. Which is fine, if the art of damning by faint praise is all you look for in a man.

But according to the same survey, some 55 per cent of women wish their partner was more romantic. So there is something of a mismatch between the sexes when it comes to how we feel romance is best expressed.

No one has made this clearer to me than my own dear spouse. But I have only myself to blame for his devastatingly literal interpretation of the “paper” wedding anniversary. I received plenty of warning this might happen years before we married. When his birthday rolled round for the first time after we got together, I thought I had better set a precedent: a surprise breakfast, tickets to an art exhibition, dinner in a pricey Soho restaurant. Then my birthday came around. He offered up two options for the celebrations: a frozen pizza or some leftover couscous salad that “really needs using up”. I burst into tears – but, amazingly, our relationship survived.

Despite how it sounds, I’m not materialistic. I am, besides, a diehard feminist who would sooner eat leftover couscous all year than take my husband’s name, perish the thought. But I will not watch dumbly as modern man does his darndest to kill off old-fashioned romance. It doesn’t make us feel more emancipated, chaps, it just makes us think you’re not trying hard enough.

It’s not about the amount of money you spend (although anything under pounds 1 doesn’t really scream everlasting love). It’s not about how grand the gesture. It’s more about the thought that goes into it, as the adage goes. It is hard to underestimate the time it takes to tear off a piece of cardboard on your way out of the house and scrawl a message on it; it takes me longer to write the weekly shopping list, and more love goes into that.

Similarly, staying off Facebook while watching television is not an adequate way of showing your feelings – although not checking it on your phone while eating dinner is a good start.

We are now more connected than ever to almost everyone we have ever met. Yet we find ourselves all the more disconnected from those closest to us, for precisely the same reason: the possibility of meaningful “real world” interaction when the family living space is invaded by a proliferation of screens linking us up to countless other people, images and activities is naturally diminished.

So what to do about this? Give in and accept the depressing downgrading of romance? Or, from time to time, maybe just on special occasions, an uninterrupted dinner a deux? A bunch of flowers that says “I still think you’re worth it”? A trip to the shops to choose a personal anniversary card? I can’t imagine too many women turning those down.

Curated by Erbe

Tips for Couples to Achieve a Long-Lasting Intimate Relationship

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” -~Sam Keen

Before I married my wonderful husband, I dated a lot of men. For most of my 20s (and even my early 30s) I had a perfect fairy-ideal of what romantic love was, probably because I was an actress and loved drama back then.

It took years for me to realize a relationship is not a romance movie.

At some point in our lives, we may believe that love should be like the kind of romance we see portrayed in films, television, and novels.

For some reason, I always thought my romantic relationships were less if I did not experience this kind of fairy-tale relationship. Maybe this is why I kept meeting frogs.

At times, I bought into the belief that if I had a relationship with the perfect prince, then all would be well in my life. I thought, Now, I will be safe forever.

In truth, I did marry a prince—but a prince who is also human, who has faults and issues just like every person, no matter how wonderful he is.

At some point I grew up and learned to let go of the crazy metaphor of romantic love in order to find true happiness. Yes, I was disappointed to realize that the knight riding through the night to save the damsel in distress is a fallacy. It’s a bummer.

But, let’s look at it in this light: We all saw Romeo and Juliet and Titanic. Why stories like these make our hearts sing is that the love is unrequited. Unavailability fuels the romantic expression.

This kind of romantic story can only work when there is an absence of the lover. Sometimes, they have to die in the end in order for their love to fit into this romantic view. Or, we eat handfuls of popcorn, waiting to see if they live happily ever after, and we rarely find out if they really do.

The romantic love fantasy is really a substitute for intimacy—real, connected, vulnerable intimacy.

So then, how do we make relationships work and stay happy?

We begin with the understanding of what pure love is, and then redefine and update the romantic fairytale into a healthier type of love.

Here are 10 ways to create true intimacy, find pure love, and be truly happy in your relationship:

1. Use relationships to teach you how to be whole within.

Relationships aren’t about having another person complete you, but coming to the relationship whole and sharing your life interdependently. By letting go of the romantic ideal of merging and becoming “one,” you learn as Rainer Maria Rilke says, to love the distances in relationship as much as the togetherness.

2. See your partner for who he or she really is.

The romantic tragedy occurs when you view the person you are in love with as a symbol of what they have come to represent, the idea of them. When you realize that more often than not you don’t really know your partner, you begin to discover who they are and how they change and evolve.

3. Be willing to learn from each other.

The key is to see the other as a mirror and learn from the reflection how you can be a better person. When you feel upset, rather than blame your partner and point fingers, remain awake to what has yet to be healed in yourself.

4. Get comfortable being alone.

In order to accept that love can’t rescue you from being alone, learn to spend time being with yourself. By feeling safe and secure to be on your own within the framework of relationship, you will feel more complete, happy, and whole.

5. Look closely at why a fight may begin.

Some couples create separateness by fighting and then making up over and over again. This allows you to continue the romantic trance, creating drama and avoiding real intimacy. If you become aware of what you fear about intimacy, you’ll have a better sense of why you’re fighting—and likely will fight far less.

6. Own who you are.

We generally grasp at romantic love because we’re yearning for something that is out of reach, something in another person that we don’t think we possess in ourselves. Unfortunately, when we finally get love, we discover that we didn’t get what we were looking for.

True love only exists by loving yourself first. You can only get from another person what you’re willing to give yourself.

7. Embrace ordinariness.

After the fairy-dust start of a relationship ends, we discover ordinariness, and we often do everything we can to avoid it. The trick is to see that ordinariness can become the real “juice” of intimacy. The day-to-day loveliness of sharing life with a partner can, and does, become extraordinary.

8. Expand your heart.

One thing that unites us is that we all long to be happy. This happiness usually includes the desire to be close to someone in a loving way. To create real intimacy, get in touch with the spaciousness of your heart and bring awareness to what is good within you.

It’s easier to recognize the good in your partner when you’re connected to the good in yourself.

9. Focus on giving love.

Genuine happiness is not about feeling good about ourselves because other people love us; it’s more about how well we have loved ourselves and others. The unintentional outcome of loving others more deeply is that we are loved more deeply.

10. Let go of expectations.

You may look to things such as romance and constant togetherness to fill a void in yourself. This will immediately cause suffering. If you unconsciously expect to receive love in certain ways to avoid giving that love to yourself, you put your sense of security in someone else.

Draw upon your own inner-resources to offer love, attention, and nurturance to yourself when you need it. Then you can let love come to you instead of putting expectations on what it needs to look like.

These are only a few ways to explore real intimacy. How do you create a loving connection in your relationship?

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Do You Want This More Than Sex?

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS, Sex

The majority of women have told me that they want more intimacy in their relationships. Women want to feel connected with their partner and genuinely loved.

When referring to the complex area of sex, making blanket statements such as men want………..and women want………… is difficult to do because it oversimplifies an extremely personal and individualistic issue.

Clearly there is a wide variety of kinds of sexual relationships and experiences that people can share and enjoy.

To be more precise, what men and women each want in the area of sex needs to be defined on an individual basis. Thus, whatever a person is missing or longs for with regards to the subject of sex is simply what that person needs at that time in their life. For example, some women enjoy having a lot of tenderness and affection but crave a little intensity in the bedroom. Other women may experience their share of intense, physical sex but desire more affection, consideration, and gentleness for balance.

Yet when looking at the population as a whole and talking with a great number of people, some conclusions can be drawn based upon the majority.

Over the years what women have told me they want spans quite a diverse range. Yet the majority of women have told me that they want more intimacy in their relationships. Women want to feel connected with their partner and genuinely loved. They usually want to be told why their man loves them, and what it is about her that he recognizes as special. Women have often said they want to be held more, kissed more, caressed more, touched more, and talked to more. If they were to have more sex, they want it to be more passionate love-making. They want more intimacy in and out of the bedroom.

Women also need to be acknowledged for what they contribute to the family and their man’s life. They need to be respected as intelligent and capable, and appreciated for all of their wonderful attributes and special features. The average woman wants more hugs, more affection, more intimacy regularly. They want to be told often that they are beautiful, that their partner enjoys them, and that their man wants to be with them.

Often men can get along without reinforcement and intimacy for long periods of time, and so they assume the same is true for women. Unfortunately quite a few men still think they can sustain a woman with occasional bursts of intimacy, such as a nice gift, or a rare verbal acknowledgment. But most women need and want more than just sporadic maintenance intimacy. They need daily attentionto keep them running smoothly and happily.

After couples marry, many men only put forth the effort to show what they think is the necessary amount of romance. They sometimes base their conclusions on how much they need, and then give just a little more.

It’s not the flowers, chocolates, poems or gifts that women really want. What they really want are the gestures that show that their partner loves them and cares enough to expend some energy showing it!

Women typically expect and appreciate much more involvement from their relationships. They usually want more consistant and enthusiastic expressions of love and affection. They want to know, regularly, that they aren’t being taken for granted.

Many marriages eventually end because men never really take their partner’s needs seriously.

Many of the married women that I’ve talked with who have had extramarital affairs said they fell for men who were interested in them, who talked with and listened to them. The men they were drawn to were enthused about them and showed it. The feelings of respect, appreciation, and passion were missing in their marriage. It is my belief that missing those feelings of intimacy has led more women to have affairs than a mere sexual attraction.

Women who have high self-esteem and believe in equality aren’t satisfied with just being a sexual object. They want to be seen as much more than that, and rightfully resent some men’s attempts to have them be just a sex toy. Many women resent a man’s ability to, or interest in having uninvolved sex. Many expect more from their partner than just sex.

Most women aren’t satisfied if the physical sex is all they have. Even if they regularly experience orgasms, most women will get bored if that’s all their sex life consists of. They must feel love and connection with their partner as well. While this may not be news to women, quite a few men either don’t know this or don’t really take it seriously.

For many women, even though they may enjoy orgasms and the physical sensations, sex is more of a vehicle for making love and sharing affection and intimacy with their partner. The more a man understands and respects this the better off he’ll be in the long run. Since women often say they need to feel more loved, if they did, they may feel more inclined to have more sex, which is what many men say they would like.

Thankfully, for both genders, an increasing number of women today feel free to take more initiative and allow themselves to experience sex for pleasure and intimacy. Today more women are able to ask for more of what they want and need from their partner. Successful relationships usually include a man who respects this quality in his female counterpart.

Curated Article
Original Article

Did I Love You Enough?

by zfortadminin LOVE

Did I love you enough?

Did I show you what you meant to me?

Of course not, I didn’t even know.

I didn’t even know that you were so amazing. That you were the only person I really trusted in my life.

That you were the only one that could take care of my computer problems, my personal drama, fix anything, take care of our bills, make me laugh, plus finish our entire house inside and out. A skill set you had, O so amazing, but I didn’t even know.

I didn’t know how unique that was. I didn’t get to tell you I am in awe of you.

I didn’t get to tell you.

I would trade everything and anything for one more moment with you to tell you all of this.

I’d tell you how lucky I am to have met you. How special you are and how no one could ever be as cool as you, for me.

I’d hold you so tight and I’d never complain about your work schedule, or your meetings, or your social life. I would love you for it all, because you are perfect just as you are.

Did I love you enough?

Babes I ask myself this all the time, I loved you so much but could I have done better?

Could I have seen you more fully. Loved you more entirely? Praised you more freely?

Yes I could have.

I hope you can feel it now.

I am loving you.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

10 Ways to Make Your Significant Other Feel Like They’re the Only One

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

“I had an opportunity to have a long discussion with her fiance the day before he proposed”

My daughter recently became engaged, and I had an opportunity to have a long discussion with her fiance the day before he proposed about her, marriage, and living life together. The topic of how hard he wants to work to make his fiancee, and soon to be wife, feel special and loved came up repeatedly in our conversation.

What can a husband do to help his wife feel special and know that she is loved?

This list, built after years of observation and experience, will help stimulate ideas of your own for helping your wife feel special.

Send her a love note

Handwriting notes and letters is becoming a lost art in an era of instant communications and technology. A love note, written by hand, is an expression that communicates love, caring, and giving of one’s time and self.

A short note sharing your love, your admiration of her, your appreciation of her special traits, and your commitment to her speaks volumes about how special she is.

Learn to speak her love language

Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages has been a true revelation in many relationships. Chapman makes the case that most people receive messages of love in one (or more) of five different ways. The way we receive love is our “love language.” The five languages are:

  • Words of affirmation
  • Quality time
  • Physical touch
  • Receiving gifts
  • Acts of service

My primary love language is words of affirmation; my wife’s is quality time. So hearing from her how wonderful I am communicates love to me, but that love language doesn’t work for her.

I need to give her undivided attention and lots of it for her to feel love. Take time to determine which love language works for your wife or partner, and then speak love in her love language.

Get ‘er done

Do you have a “honey-do” list a mile long? I know that with my hectic schedule, my list never seems to end.

Doing things that are on her list is a good way to show how special she is to you. If she sees you doing the things that are important to her, she will feel love and devotion. Painting the family room, cleaning up the garage, or following through on a commitment to the kids will make a big difference in how she feels about you and about her worth to you.

Call her on the phone

A phone call in the middle of the day lets her know that you are thinking about her. Consider calling at a random time, when she will least expect it, and just tell her that you are thinking about her, wanting to know how her day is going and to communicate love. It is easy to get caught up in all the business of the day, and she knows it. So taking time to call and let hew know she is important will make a big positive difference in her day.

Send sweet text messages

If you have the ability to communicate via text message, consider sending texts that communicate love, and maybe even flirt occasionally. Here are a few suggestions to get your ideas flowing about what might work for your partner.

  • If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together!
  • Thinking of you makes me smile.
  • Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
  • I just moved you up to the top of my TO DO list

Plan a romantic getaway

Find someone responsible to take the kids and make plans for a weekend away. Plan everything out, choosing things that she likes to do. For example, make dinner reservations and get tickets for a play, a movie or an event she would enjoy. Reserve a hotel room, pack her bags, and make sure her calendar is clear. Some quality time with things she loves to do is an awesome way to communicate how special your wife is to you.

Make it physical

Lots of dads will read this and think sex. But remember, our partners want to be touched in more ways than we like to be touched. Consider an extra long hug in the morning, or a kiss hello or goodbye that lasts about 15 seconds. A back rub, foot rub, or a tender massage communicates worlds about your feelings for her. Physical touch is important in a relationship, and while it often leads to sexual touching, your wife will love the extra attention and the feeling of being touched without it having to lead to something else.

Listen fully engaged

With our busy and demanding world where work tends to invade every moment of life, it is easy to be distracted at home. Even the kids can create significant distractions from meaningful communication. One habit my partner and I picked up long ago is setting aside 30 minutes each evening to just talk. No television, no kids, no telephone or computer, no friends. Having half and hour for just us has really helped with our communications patterns and allows me to be fully engaged in the conversation.Active listening, where you listen with all your senses for intent and feeling, is a big communicator of love and affection.

Cook for her

There is something a bit romantic and something that communicates love and caring when a man cooks for his woman. Plan ahead for a meal she likes. Find a recipe, get the ingredients, and the follow the recipe to create a great meal for her. A little pampering like being able to eat a meal that she didn’t have to plan for or prepare goes a long way in letting her know how much you care.

Give her a break

One things our partners don’t usually get at home is a break. From the time she gets up until the time she crashes into bed, it is usually one very long day with more demands on her time that she can fill. This is especially true if she is a stay-at-home mom where she is likely starved for adult human contact. And moms who work outside the home also tend to carry with them all day their responsibility as a mother. Giving her a break from the stresses of the day can really communicate love. A hot bath with some music she enjoys while you clean up, go through the bedtime routine with the kids and get things ready for the next day will really help her feel your love and your specific concern for her and her needs.

Whatever you do, make sure that you regularly communicate how special your wife is to you. Little things are big things, and it is important to identify how she receives your communication of love and to make time to make these little expressions happen.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Get Closer by Mixing It Up in and Out of the Bedroom

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS, Sex

If you feel that daily sex will make you both happier, read on. According to fascinating research, the action between the sheets once a week is enough to reignite and keep the passion and love alive between the two souls.

Although more frequent sex is associated with greater happiness, this link was no longer significant at a frequency of more than once a week, the team revealed.

“Our findings suggest that it’s important to maintain an intimate connection with your partner, but you do not need to have sex everyday as long as you are maintaining that connection,” said lead researcher Amy Muise, social psychologist and postdoctoral fellow at the University of Toronto-Mississauga.

The results, based on surveys of more than 30,000 Americans collected over four decades, reveal that happiness quotient is not there after couples report having sex more than once a week on average.

In one study, researchers analysed survey responses conducted by the University of Chicago about sexual frequency and general happiness from more than 25,000 Americans (11,285 men, 14,225 women).

For couples, happiness tended to increase with more frequent sex but this is no longer true after couples report engaging in sex more than once a week.

Despite common stereotypes that men want more sex and older people have less sex, there was no difference in the findings based on gender, age or length of relationship.

“Our findings were consistent for men and women, younger and older people, and couples who had been married for a few years or decades,” Muise noted.

Sex may be more strongly associated with happiness than is money. To find this, the researchers also conducted an online survey with 335 people (138 men, 197 women) who were in long-term relationships and found similar results as the first study.

These participants were also asked about their annual income, and there was a larger difference in happiness between people who had sex less than once a month compared to people who had sex once a week than between people who had an income of $15,000-$25,000 compared to people who had an income of $50,000-$75,000 per year.

“People often think that more money and more sex equal more happiness, but this is only true up to a point,” Muise pointed out.

The findings don’t necessarily mean that couples should engage in more or less sex to reach the weekly average but partners should discuss whether their sexual needs are being met.

“It’s important to maintain an intimate connection with your partner without putting too much pressure on engaging in sex as frequently as possible,” Muise advised.

However, the findings were specific to people in romantic relationships and there was no association between sexual frequency and well being for single people.

The findings were published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Couples Christmas—Make it Sexy

by zfortadminin Sex, SEX TIPS

The festive season is here and you are concerned about what to do with your spouse and what to buy to make Christmas different yet romantic.

Children often shy away from giving sexy gifts to their parents – as if Mom and Pop’s sex life is dead – but they, like the spouses, should really think outside the box and give gifts that are naughty and nice to spark the couple’s sex life. Sex is to be celebrated, especially in a monogamous relationship in which couples have grown together in the union. This provides the basis for selecting very personal gifts which would also fuel sexy activities over the holiday period. It is even more poignant if couples are experiencing the empty nest with children having grown and moved out.

Sexy Christmas for Two

If you are going to spend the holiday season with your loved one, this is an excellent chance to plan a romantic holiday, probably putting some sparkle back into your love life. The cool temperatures already set the stage for twinkling lights and soft carols as part of intimate, steamy evenings of passion.

Hotel ‘nights out’

If you are tired of the home and the efforts it will take to create the magic of the season, you could spend one or two nights in a hotel with full service. With adequate notice, any hotel should be happy to set the stage for you. This is an opportunity for children to pool funds and send parents off to a nice resort with some sexy items in tow. They should take:

  • Sexy lingerie and silk boxer shorts.
  • Scented candles for mood creation.
  • Music of choice to keep it light and easy (include a CD player).
  • Aromatic oils so you can give each other long, sensual massages.
  • Grapes or strawberries which you can feed each other as you soak in a bubble bath.
  • Champagne for sipping as you enjoy the ambience
  • Your gifts which you can open together and share.

Home together

If you are accustomed to trimming your tree, get a small one for both of you to enjoy. Decorate the tree together in a skimpy Christmas outfit and revert to the old practice of kissing under the mistletoe by hanging them around the house. Place all you gifts under the tree for opening on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.

Home-made dinner for two

A graduate from my cooking course for ‘men only’, boasted that he used his culinary skills to prepare a sensual meal to mesmerise his wife last Christmas, their 10th wedding anniversary. He made plans for lobster dinner, used the rarely-used fine china and best silverware from the breakfront and made sure that his wife and son were busy helping his mother with last-minute baking. They agreed that their son would stay with Grandma that night as the couple would be going out to dinner. When she arrived home to get dressed, she was blown away by the surprise.

Drive out for the Christmas lights

Driving out could be reminiscent of your days of courting. Drive out and look at the Christmas lights and décor in residential and shopping areas, although scaled down this year. You may want to take a blanket and snuggle close in a safe place as you enjoy the lights.

Exchange Gifts

Whether you are at a hotel or at home, exchanging gifts is one of the best parts of Christmas. What gifts can you give for that sex appeal? Naughty gifts are ideal since both of you will be together and no one will see what you got each other.

  • Breakfast in bed is always appreciated and starts foreplay of what is to come later. You can place one exciting gift at breakfast.
  • Sexy robes are easy to slip on and off and they are nice to wrap in as you stroll about the house.
  • You can buy sexy Christmas-themed outfits to wear for the rest of the day while you goof around.
  • Sex games for lovers.
  • Toys are toys, so adult sex toys should not be excluded. These can indulge your fantasies and add variety to your intimacy.
  • Sexy books with a range of topics to suit him or her.

You can search sites online which would provide hundreds of topics you know your partner would like. Also, consider a book for lovers, focusing on how to spice up your love life. It does not have to be explicit or full of photos that make you uncomfortable. Couples can read passionate literature to each other as they may not want to go the mainstream route like watching X-rated movies. Why not give one another passionate books and read passages to one another? You can spice it up by acting out romantic scenes from the descriptive books and you will be able to learn from each other.

Stocking stuffers for her may include:

 

  • A personal coupon for a one-hour massage.
  • Gourmet chocolates.
  • A gift certificate for her favourite restaurant.
  • Bath products like bubble bath, shower gel and lush soap.
  • Her favourite perfume or body spray.
  • Bath toys for couples.
  • A diamond bracelet, necklace, or ring or some other type of jewellery.

Stocking stuffers for him to cater to his fantasies and passions may include:

 

  • Sexy lingerie for you, with a promise that you will model it for him later.
  • A personal handmade coupon for his favourite sexual activity, to be performed on demand.
  • A gift card to his favourite store, hobby shop, car-parts store, or whatever his interests are.
  • His favourite fragrance.
  • A life-size photo of you in a sexy outfit for the bedroom (G-strings and high-heels are exciting).
  • French tickler condoms to provide added stimulation.

Wrap it sexy

To make your gift sexy, use your imagination and wrap it in a sexy way. For creativity and recycling, you can create your own wrapping paper by using pages from a sexy magazine.

Christmas does not have to be boring for you and your lover. Be creative and get stores and gift shops to help you. Make this Christmas one your spouse will never forget by spicing it up with sexy gifts and activities this holiday season.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Romantic Relationship Tips for the Holidays

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Getting through the holidays when you are in a relationship is never easy – that’s why there are relationship tips for the holidays that will ensure you still have a relationship after the holidays.

I know that the holidays and all of that family time can cause some strain on a relationship. These relationship tips for the holidays will not only help you survive the holidays with your partner, but they will make sure that you relationship stays strong – even through all of the stress!

1. DON’T OVERBOOK YOURSELVES

One of the most important relationship tips for the holidays that we’re going to start out with is not to overbook yourselves. Honestly girls, you can’t split the holidays and go to two different family homes or do two different Christmas Eves in the same night. That is where the stress can actually start and that is how you can get yourself into a fight. Just schedule down and talk about a plan!

2. DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF

So your boyfriend hasn’t wrapped the presents or hasn’t sent out the Christmas cards yet – it’s okay! Don’t sweat the small stuff. It’s not worth it and it’ll cause way more problems than do good. If you are feeling overwhelmed by the holidays, talk to your boyfriend about your feelings and see what he has to say.

3. SET BOUNDARIES

Always, no matter what, set boundaries for yourself during the holidays. Make sure that your partner can tell when you are getting in a bad mood or even just walk away when you are starting to feel annoyed. This can actually save a lot of pain and a lot of fighting. Remember, it’s the holidays and they shouldn’t completely stress you out.

4. CREATE INTIMACY

Wherever you are, always make sure that you are trying to create some kind of intimacy. This could mean anything from a small date night before the holidays or even just some cuddle time on the couch together. That intimacy can really create a good bond and will help you get over the stress.

5. REMEMBER WHY YOU ARE TOGETHER

During the holidays, it is always good to reflect on why exactly you and your partner are together. Remember the great times, remember the times when #things weren’t super stressful and remember why you started to go out. If you feel like you need a break and that you are being pulled in a million directions, reflect on your relationship, girls!

6. REALIZE THE HOLIDAYS ARE STRESSFUL

The holidays are stressful, girls – you’ve got to #face reality that this time of year is when stress leaks into the simplest of things! Whether you are shopping with your boyfriend or you are planning a holiday dinner, #everything is harder around the holidays. So girls, calm down and remember, don’t sweat the small stuff!

7. DISCUSS GIFTS IN ADVANCE

One of the biggest problems that I have in my #relationship is – how much do I spend on my partner? How much #money is appropriate? Well girls, this is why discussing gifts and even price options in advance is a great idea! This will eliminate the stress of how much or little to buy your #partner!

8. KNOW THE GOOD AND BAD OF YOUR FAMILY

You know your family. You know just how great they can be, but you also know just how stressful they can be. You’ve got to realize that if this is the first time that you’ve ever had a boyfriend during the holidays, he might be scared of your family at first. Just take it all in stride, girls!

9. TAKE A BREATHER

Finally, allow the two of you to have some time alone, to take a breather from everyone. During the holidays this year, when I head back to Michigan, I’ve got plans to make a little getaway for my #girlfriend and I. It’ll make our holidays that much better.

10. REALIZE THE GOOD OF HIS FAMILY

The holidays can be particularly hard for you if you’ve never had a boyfriend during them and aren’t used to a. splitting the holidays or b. spending time with anyone else’s family besides your own. This is the #time you’ve got to realize that his family might have different traditions, might do things differently but it’s okay — and it’ll be worth it for you to learn how his family does things!

11. LEARN NEW TRADITIONS

Yes, your family might be more than willing to open up some Christmas gifts on Christmas Eve, but his family might not. Why not learn some new traditions and even start some of your own with your #boyfriend?

I know that being in a relationship around the holidays is never easy, but remember, keep it simple and don’t stress! It isn’t worth it! So, what other #relationship tips during the holidays do you have to share? Give up some advice!

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Honeymooner’s New Year’s Resolutions

by zfortadminin LOVE

A Dozen Ways to Make Love Last

When you’re in love, New Year’s Eve is one of the most romantic nights of the year. The promises you make then can go a long way toward ensuring a happy honeymoon and a solid marriage. That said, here are a dozen resolutions you may want to consider starting off the year with:

New Year’s Resolution #1:

Figure out where we want to go on our honeymoon already!

New Year’s Resolution #2:

Make reservations early so we’re sure to get the place we want on the dates we want.

New Year’s Resolution #3:

Keep my sense of humor — and understand that everything from the trip to the airport to the wedding night may surprise.

New Year’s Resolution #4:

Be smart about buying airline tickets, know in advance how much luggage we’re allowed to carry on — and how much time to allow at the airport.

New Year’s Resolution #5:

Surprise my spouse (with a game, a love letter, or silly honeymoon gift) once we settle in at our destination.

New Year’s Resolution #6:

Make sure you know the top honeymoon hacks and don’t overschedule your days.

New Year’s Resolution #7:

Set aside time each day of the vacation for myself — and respect my mate’s private moments, too.

New Year’s Resolution #8:

Remember that it’s not just me anymore. There are two of us now to consider.

New Year’s Resolution #9:

Taste something (or lots of things!) on the honeymoon that I’ve never savored before.

New Year’s Resolution #10:

Understand that even on the honeymoon we might have a fight or disagreement — but it’s not the end of the world.

We’ll get over it, move on, forgive, and continue to love one another.

New Year’s Resolution #11:

Be patient with my spouse, even if I don’t always understand his or her emotions.

New Year’s Resolution #12:

Share my hopes, my dreams, and my future with the one I love most.

Happy New Year to You, Dear Reader.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

What Do You Deserve in Love in 2016?

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” ~Brené Brown

I recently left a relationship that I was not happy in. Although my ex was definitely an unconditional lover, it painfully bothered me that the man I loved was not taking care of his responsibilities.

Since I’ve entered my twenties, I’ve been looking for more than just a good time; I need a stable partner who will be able to meet our shared expenses and obligations in the future. So, I was faced with the crucial, inevitable decision of calling it quits.

I cried the first few nights, but every night after was a learning experience. I realized that no matter how much he loved me, I needed more from the relationship than he could give.

While I was still in it, he kept telling me that I made the entire relationship about me, saying, “You are only worried about your happiness. What about mine?”

Although he was right about his happiness being important, I realized something: my happiness is just as important, and I cannot—and should not have to—sacrifice mine for his.

Half of a couple can’t be happy while the other half is miserable. If neither is happy, then the relationship is already over.

A few weeks after the big break, I began asking myself what I wanted out of a relationship. Who am I? What do I need?

I wrote down a list of my nice-to-haves and my non-negotiables. This allowed me to see my past relationship for what it was: not what I really wanted. And thus, I experienced little pain and was able to move on gracefully.

Don’t get me wrong, I felt incredibly terrible for breaking his heart. I have always been the one to break things off, but I wasn’t so sure if I ever broke a guy’s heart until the day I broke his.

But I had to learn to forgive myself because I knew the relationship wouldn’t last. And it was better to break his heart now than to stay in it for far too long and inescapably break it later.

He eventually told me I was his only source of happiness, but just as you shouldn’t sacrifice your own happiness, you shouldn’t be responsible for another’s happiness either.

Happiness should come from within. If you have it before you enter the relationship, once ties are severed and the mourning phase is over, you will surely have it again.

The greatest lesson I learned is that you have to know what you want before the relationship starts.

When people say, “I don’t know what I want, but when I see it, I’ll know,” they are usually the ones who stick around in a relationship longer than necessary because they weren’t sure of what they wanted from the beginning. This causes unnecessary trial and error and a lot more pain.

It doesn’t take long to ask yourself what it is you desire and write it down. You may not know for certain right away, but you should at least have a rough idea. Getting to know yourself better can help with this.

Dating can also help refine your list, but making a serious commitment before really understanding your requirements in a relationship can be detrimental.

Typically when we go into a relationship without truly understanding our requirements, we end up trying to change our partner, which never ends well.

A loving relationship is meant to be the reward of knowing what you wanted and receiving it. Getting into a relationship in order to figure out what you want is backwards.

Ask yourself what it is you appreciate in a partner. What will cause you to write off a potential partner (perhaps not having the same goals and dreams)? This is important because if we don’t determine what we will and will not accept, we end up accepting anything.

But even more importantly, don’t forget about yourself. Get to know your own personal likes and dislikes. This is the one time where everything can be about what you want.

When we’re in a relationship, we’re always so busy trying to learn about another person’s wants, needs, goals, and aspirations that we oftentimes forget about our own.

During this time you don’t have to ask anyone for affirmation. All of your decisions are your own. No one can tell you who to be.

And while in a relationship, you still have to remember that you complete yourself. The man or woman you’re with does not define who you are, and you do not need him or her to be complete. Your self-esteem should not begin or end with how that person feels about you.

Be willing to give the person you love the shirt off your back, but your self-worth? Never give them that.

You have to honestly know that you will be happy with or without them. This little piece of knowledge makes it easier for you to leave a relationship that causes you anguish, and find one that better serves you.

That’s not to say that relationships are perfect and no one will ever hurt you; that’s certainly not the case. Every person will come with his or her own flaws, and every relationship will require a little work. You just have to know what you’re willing to work through and what you’re not.

Some words of advice my wise mother once gave me: you are the prize. How big of a prize you’re worth winning is defined by how much you love and respect yourself. You determine how much you are worth. Nobody else.

Sometimes love can turn into a battle that we want to win but can’t. Many relationships aren’t meant to be. That doesn’t make it your fault, and it doesn’t make it the other person’s fault; it just makes it life.

Whatever the case, you should never sacrifice your dignity at the expense of a futile relationship.

As for me, I couldn’t wait for him to be who I needed him to be. And I couldn’t change him either. I had to do what was best for me and for him as well.

If it were meant to be, it would’ve been right from the beginning.

I just have to go out into the world and find someone who better suits me. In the meantime, I am discovering a lot about myself, things I would’ve probably never known otherwise.

You must never get so caught up in your other half’s happiness that you forget about your own, and what matters most to you.

By the time I get into my next relationship, I will have better clarity of what I want and what I need.

But for right now, I am the love of my life. I am hoping that eventually I can share my love and happiness with another being, and he can share his with me.

Romance does not only consist of loving another, but also finding it easy to love oneself in the process. And I have to remind myself to never lose sight of that self-love.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Romance… Science Approves

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Weddings… When hopeful couples walk down the aisle, clasp hands and exchange vows to love and cherish till death do they part.

But in today’s world—full of distractions and choices—when whole websites are devoted to finding clandestine sexual partners, how realistic are those dreams of lifelong commitment?

As it turns out, science may be coming to the rescue of romance. A recent paper, co-authored by University of Minnesota psychology professor Jeffry Simpson, along with Garth Fletcher of Victoria University, Lorne Campbell of the University of Western Ontario, and Nickola Overall of the University of Auckland, gets at the very nature of romantic love and contends that romance is not only an ancient and widely cross-cultural phenomenon, but that it—as well as monogamy—played an important part to our evolution as a species.

The paper defines romantic love as, “a commitment device, composed of passion, intimacy, and caregiving,” and goes on to explain that romantic love was a key factor that, in domino-like fashion, resulted in humans’ complex brains, survival strategies, and social behaviors. The chain effect goes something like this: the need for two parents to raise children was facilitated by romantic love, leading our ancestors to have fairly monogamous relationships that resulted in greater paternal investment and higher infancy survival rates. That, in turn, cemented familial bonds and created close, complex, kin-based communities that helped humans survive—and thrive. In short, you could say that if it were not for romance, we might not be “human” at all.Published in February in Perspectives on Psychological Science, the paper, Pair-Bonding, Romantic Love, and Evolution: The Curious Case of Homo sapiens, synthesizes previously published studies to examine romantic love from a multi-disciplinary perspective: from the chemical and biological, to the evolutionary, cultural, and social.

Cynics may balk at such a seemingly sentimental and overarching statement, and indeed, there are crucial questions that are raised—what about polygyny, for example? The paper addresses many of these questions and finds that regardless of the situation, “love and pair-bonding remain powerful forces that must be controlled and managed.” For example, evidence suggests that polygamous families have more conflict and violence than monogamous families, perhaps because their very nature challenges the notion of monogamous, romantic love.

But what about divorce? Infidelity? Here’s where the picture gets a little murkier for those impending brides and grooms.

Stone Age Monogamy?

While the paper makes a strong case for the importance of romantic love, it also explains why today’s long-term commitments may be more difficult to maintain. First, it is important to emphasize that the paper addresses romantic love and pair-bonding, not marriage.

Marriage as a social construct is a very recent phenomenon compared to thousands of years of evolution. Our ancestors had much shorter lifespans and in lived in small familial groups of 50 – 150 people that met other groups only occasionally. “We have a Stone Age brain that’s dealing with a modern environment to which we are not fully adapted,” says Simpson.

“You turn on the television, you open up a magazine, and you see all kinds of attractive people. How many would you have seen if you lived 40,000 years ago? Maybe 10 in your life. So you go from 10 options to theoretically—in terms of the images—to thousands. What does that do to you? What does it do to your relationships?”

Simpson says that there is a good amount of evidence that we as a species evolved to be serially monogamous. “What I mean by that,” he clarifies, “is most of our ancestors probably were fairly monogamous with a single partner until they moved onto the next relationship.”

And just how often were people changing partners? The paper states that passionate romantic love usually lasts for a short period of time when a child could be weaned and become less dependent. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the peak periods for divorce in most cultures and ethnic groups today is four years.

So are those hopeful couples doomed? Is it delusional to walk down that aisle? Are lifelong commitments ill-advised?

Definitely not says Simpson. “You don’t want to suggest that just because something evolved in a certain way it’s good in relation to our current values and practices. We evolved to fear outgroups, and that’s causing all kinds of problems in the world right now.”

Indeed, the paper suggests that, “across cultures, the probability of divorce sharply declines across time as a function of increasing investment in relationships and the weeding out of unsatisfactory marriages. This pattern is precisely what would be expected if pair-bonding in humans was ‘designed’ to produce successful long-term relationships.”

So what would Simpson say to those folks about to take the plunge?

“Love changes as relationships grow and develop. It transforms into different kinds of love as one moves across different life stages. You have to be committed to maintaining that love, even though it doesn’t feel like it did in the early passion stage. The people who are more likely to stay together are the ones who can learn to appreciate the different meanings of love through new, changing life experiences. You oftentimes think of love as an automatic process, but it requires a lot of work, forethought, and commitment to last.”

Curated by Erbe
Original Article