Do you get excited by submitting to your partner’s every desire?
Every good dominatrix has a toy, and Nathan is Miss Barbie Bitch’s submissive toy.
Curated by Erbe
Do you get excited by submitting to your partner’s every desire?
Every good dominatrix has a toy, and Nathan is Miss Barbie Bitch’s submissive toy.
Curated by Erbe
We all have deep, passionate desires. Some people hold their kinks close as personal secrets, while others are comfortable with making their fantasy requests real!
Let’s be honest… Most everyone has some type of secret fantasy, fetish, or kinky desire. They have something in the back of their mind (or tucked in the back of a closet) that they are just dying to share with the right partner. But, bringing up the topic with a date or mate can be difficult. How do you go from “sexual fantasies” to “reality”?
Like most things on this blog, we can find the solution in persuasion and influence! So, break out your kama sutra, BDSM gear, or that little nurses outfit, and read on. Below are 5 steps to introducing your partner to what really turns you on.
Before you discuss your desires with anyone else, you first must be comfortable with them yourself. You may well be your partner’s first introduction into the topic. As a result, you will be leading them. If you are comfortable, they will be comfortable. Besides, despite the often sexually-repressive culture, everyone has something a bit “kinky”. So, embrace your inner desires.
Getting comfortable with your desired fetish or fantasy serves two persuasive purposes. First, you end up modeling the type of positive behavior you hope your partner follows. Second, you “normalize” the behavior and request, making it easier for your partner to accept as part of their worldview. When they see you discussing it comfortably, they come to feel that it is a normal and comfortable topic to discuss (and later take part in). So, to be persuasive, get comfortable with your fantasy and accept it…then share it.
There is an unfortunate misconception that fantasies, fetishes, and kink necessarily “objectify” and “distance” lovers from one another. Usually, just the opposite is true. Sharing your secret sexual cravings with a special partner can increase trust and intimacy. It is a special, private piece of who you are that you are giving to someone else.
As a result, be sure to communicate that you want to share your fantasies or fetishes as “something intimate and special, with a special person”. Highlight the fact that your partner is unique, special, and you desire to share the behavior as an intimate experience with them. This operates on the influence principle of “scarcity” – where individuals value more what is special, rare, or unique. So, when you make the request intimate and special, you also make it scarce…and irresistible.
Pretty much anything you are into has some coverage in movies, magazines, videos, etc. For some reason Netflix movies seem to be a goldmine for fantasy, fetish, and kink. In any case, lightly expose your partner to a bit of that “culture”. Casually comment about an article you read. Select a movie that features that type of fetish. Show them a video online that a “buddy” happened to send you. Begin to expose them to positive representations of the activities you like.
Yes, this does follow another influence principle – the principle of social proof. Individuals often choose to do what they see other people doing (especially when those people enjoy it). So, showing or discussing positive examples of “other people doing” what you desire will make your partner more interested and agreeable to it.
We all have different “sides” or “selves”. The “self” that we have at work is different than the “self” we have with friends. Our “sexual self” is no different…and it changes over time.
To ensure your partner’s comfort and agreement with a topic, make sure to align it with aspects of their sexual self. If they believe they are “adventurous” in bed, then praise their adventurousness and suggest your kink as an adventure. If they believe they are “intimate” in bed, then tell them you love their intimacy and suggest a fantasy as a further way of getting intimate.
The appeal requires that you first get them to “commit” to a certain self-image, where they say the type of person they are. You may do this in the form of a leading question (e.g. “are you adventurous?”). Next, you affirm that self-image with an attribution of your own (e.g. “that’s what I love about you, you’re so adventurous”). Finally, you present your desire in a way consistent with that self-image (e.g. “let’s try something adventurous together”).
This process works on the self dynamics of your partner. It helps them “see themselves as the kind of person” who would engage in a fantasy, fetish, or kink. It also employs the influence principles of commitment/consistency and attribution. Individuals are motivated to remain consistent to a self-image they project (consistency) or an image that others have of them (attribution). Therefore, when their image is in agreement with a behavior…they do it.
When you introduce your partner to a fantasy or fetish, start SMALL. Don’t bring out the latex suit and full body harness, or the entire clown outfit, on the first night. Ease them into it. Just the small toy. Just the handcuffs. Then work your way up!
Starting small allows your partner time to ease in, adjust and get comfortable. It also makes a “yes” to larger requests later more likely. The principle is called the foot-in-the-door effect – where individuals who say yes to small requests initially are more likely to say yes to big requests later. So, be patient. Let your partner ease in, then introduce something more, until you get to the whole fantasy.
Sharing your fetish or fantasy with a partner can be a positive (and persuasive) experience. You don’t have to keep quiet. Just get comfortable with what you want, to ask calmly and confidently. Make your partner feel special and unique to share your desires. Show them positive examples of others enjoying what you like. Align the request with their self-image. Finally, start small and work your way up. Follow those steps…and you both will reach kinky bliss in no time.
Curated by Erbe
After breasts and booties, feet are the body part that turns us on most. But what is it about feet that does it for so many people? In this week’s Sex Talk Realness, Cosmopolitan.com speaks with one woman and two men about having a foot fetish.
Woman A: Twenty-eight.
Man A: Twenty-three.
Man B: Thirty-three.
Woman A: Men.
Man A: Women.
Man B: Women. (I’m married.)
Woman A: I was 20 years old when I went from being a tomboy who didn’t really pay attention to my feet to a girly girl who went to the nail salon to get her first pedicure. I loved seeing guys go to the salon to get their feet massaged and their toenails cut. I loved how clean and soft-looking their feet were. I watched the women in the salon massage and caress the guys’ feet, and liked seeing how nice they looked after they put on their sandals. That’s when I started liking feet and I became curious to try something new with my boyfriend.
Man A: I think I was 17. Since I was young, I considered legs to be sexy, but I didn’t care much about feet — as long as they weren’t terrible-looking, I was fine. Around that age, a classmate mentioned he liked to watch videos on YouTube where women showed their feet on purpose. I knew about the fetish but still thought it was a little weird, then one day I became curious and saw some of those videos only to realize I also thought some of them were sexy. That’s when I started to notice feet.
Man B: Probably 15 or 16. I just realized that instead of the standard boobs and bums, I was obsessed with staring at women’s feet and toes, imagining them in my mouth or rubbing them on my face.
Woman A: Men’s feet can be very soft and smooth-looking; they’re big and the shape is nice. I love the arch of a man’s foot, how it is masculine with the toes and ankles that are strong with muscle.
Man A: They’re usually soft, the shape is cute, but my favorite thing about them is that they are very curvy. There are curves everywhere, the toes, ankles, heels, insteps, and the best one, the arches.
Man B: Everything. I’m a feet man through and through.
Well, my friends, I got my hands on a copy of The Book of Kink: Sex Beyond the Missionary by Eva Christina, and I’ve been doing a little reading. OK, a lot of reading. And I’ve scoped out the least scary, couple-friendly, kinky things to try this weekend. Give one (or more) a go!
Behold, my top picks from the almighty kink book to try this weekend and what my trooper (ha!) of a boyfriend, J, has to say about ’em:
“Sounds are sexually arousing, whether it’s grunting, music or the simple click of a nail against a desk. Of course, there are certain types of music that are sexually provocative, but some may get more in tune with it than others.”
My take – Maybe I can simply be a little more vocal during sexy time? Or, maybe we can get a little romantic and make a sexy time playlist. J is the music man, he should be able to put something together!
J’s take – Whenever you dull one sense, the others are heightened… I think I’m more into the blindfold thing myself, but I guess this could be interesting.
“Tying up someone can be a thrill, for both the tied up and the one who ties.”
My take – I have a set of pink, furry handcuffs at home with J’s name on them. In our relationship, he’s usually the dominant one, but I think this weekend that’s going to change.
J’s take – Is it Saturday yet?
“This fetish is all about doing everything possible with food, from sitting in it, to rolling around in it, or throwing it. The people into this fetish don’t mind cream pies thrown in their faces or sitting in water or juice. Anything food goes, except eating it. Splosh!”
My take – I think I’m a little too much of a neat freak for this one. I hate the idea of getting messy. BUT, J and I have yet to whip out the whipped cream for foreplay…
J’s take – I feel like this is one of those ideas that would look good on paper but in practice it’s just messy and gross.
“It’s not surprising that people get turned on by someone in uniform, whether it’s a fireman, French maid or cheerleader….Much of it stems from the idea that an authoritative or a submissive figure is taking or giving up control.”
My take – OK, I know J will definitely, definitely approve of this one. First of all, he’s a sucker for sexy outfits. Second, he LOVED this schoolgirl outfit I busted out a couple months ago. Maybe it’s time to bring back my best “Hit Me Baby” Britney impression.
J’s take -YES! I am a sucker for the outfits… but who isnt! Again, is it Saturday yet?
“Balloons make children happy. They also make many adults happy. Whether it’s touching, smelling, inflating, popping or just playing with them, people get sexually turned on by balloons.”
My take – Umm, yikes! J and I are going to skip this one. But you should check out The Book of Kink if you want to read more options like this!
J’s take – A definite skip… the only latex that hits our bed will be on my junk.
So, did you learn any new vocab lessons? Do you think you’d try any of these boyfriend-friendly kinky moves this weekend? Are you a fan of kink or are you a little more conservative when it comes down to it? Do you have any other kinky faves?
Curated by Erbe
Technically, some of the list might fall under kinks or preferences and not the specific category of fetish, but it seems these days it’s all gray area. Suffice to say, the list covers some of the most popular of them. Also, for many people, these are things that enhance their sexual experiences but aren’t necessarily required to achieve arousal. A true fetishist must always have their individual kink present to reach a state of sexual satisfaction.
Realistically anything can be turned into a fetish; it just depends on a person’s desires and preferences. What starts a fetish? It’s a complicated issue to dissect, but according to Barnaby Barratt, Ph.D., a sexy therapist and President of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists, “experts theorize that an experience with masturbation as a young child – often one that has long been forgotten – could develop into a fetish for an object or scene that serves as a reminder.”
Is having a fetish harmful? Most experts agree that as long as you aren’t placing yourself or anyone else in danger, or breaking the law, that it’s harmless to indulge in a fetish to achieve release. On the other hand, if a true fetishist needs his or her obsession every single time they have sex to achieve an orgasm, it may not be very practical. Depending on what the fetish is, it may be a real obstacle to developing any real intimacy with another person. Society places a stigma on most fetishes although as a whole we’ve become more accepting of individual preferences. Most people are embarrassed about their fetish and don’t necessarily discuss it outside of a specific circle that may be dedicated to it such as a club or group they belong to. What’s most popular these days on the sexual fetish menu? Let’s take a look.
Adult babies are those individuals that enjoy being a baby again. They may enjoy regressing partially or completely, participating in the act of wearing diapers, being fed by an adult, sucking on a baby bottle or pacifier, dressing up in baby clothes, crawling instead of walking and speaking in “baby” talk. Individuals interested in infantilism most likely enjoy the nurturing aspect. They may be seeking attention or have too many responsibilities in their daily lives, which they wish to escape from.
Swinging refers to the act of a committed, usually married couple indulging in sex with another couple or individual with the full consent of both partners. The idea of swinging or experimentation with group sex is usually driven by the male in the relationship, research showing over 75 percent of the time. This particular preference presents many challenges to a relationship including possible feelings of jealousy, low self-esteem, and issues with trust. Some couples, however, report that the act of swinging or indulging in group sex does the opposite for them, increasing the women’s confidence and allowing husbands to see their wives in a new light, strengthening their commitment to one another. It all depends on the couple and their reasons for participating.
Google the word “quicksand.” Among the many images that pop up, you’ll see a lot feature minimally clothed women half-submerged in viscous jungle sludge. Why? Because there’s an online community of sex fetishists who have a thing for quicksand. Quicksand!
“I’ve heard of everything from feet to dirt to cars,” says Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., a sex educator and research psychologist at Harvard University. “Pretty much anything you can think of, someone out there probably has sexual associations attached to it.”
When a person derives strong sexual arousal from some non-human object, a non-genital body part, or a bodily secretion, that’s a rough definition of a fetish, Lehmiller says. Activities like role-playing and bondage are also lumped into the fetish category. “Basically, it’s being aroused by something that is not arousing to the majority of people,” Lehmiller adds.
Fetishes evolve with the times, studies suggest. Historical anthropologists have found Victorian men had a thing for bare ankles or knees—probably because women were supposed to keep them covered, the researchers speculate.
The most popular fetishes, now and in the past, center on body parts (feet or toes) and items associated with body parts (shoes, boots, gloves), indicates a study from the University of Bologna in Italy. Also, “Most people who have a fetish can remember a distinctive time or event where they encountered something that unexpectedly but immediately turned them,” Lehmiller says.
But wherever they come from, fetishes tend to last, Lehmiller says. It’s also typical for people to have multiple fetishes simultaneously, he explains. “You can develop new fetishes, but the new ones won’t replace the others.” He says a lot of people have interrelated fetishes, like a hot spot for feet, shoes, and stockings. But for others, there may not be an obvious connection, Lehmiller adds.
One thing that’s certain: The emergence of the Internet has been a huge boon for fetishists. “It gives people a place to express their desires and find other people who may have the same interests,” Lehmiller says. (Quicksand lovers, unite!) Here, four of the most popular theories on how fetishes made their way into your brain.
The areas of your noodle that control your sexual body parts and impulses are located alongside areas that control other appendages and emotions, studies show. (The brain region that manages your genitalia is nestled against the region that manages your feet.) These adjacent brain regions can engage in crosstalk, or overlapping activity, shows research from V.S. Ramachandran, Ph.D., of the University of California, San Diego. And crosstalk between the foot and genital regions may explain why foot fetishes (and other infatuations with non-sexual body parts) are so common, Ramachandran suggests.
I must admit, I’ve always been fascinated by the BDSM world which is why I jumped at the opportunity to interview someone who’s been immersed in the community for the past five and half years. For those who don’t know, BDSM is an acronym meaning Bondage & Discipline/ Domination & Submission/ Sadism & Masochism. Usually, the first thing that comes to my mind when I hear the term BDSM is someone getting spanked while down on all fours and a ball gag in their mouth. This may very well be the case for a lot of people who practice BDSM, but there is so much more in terms of the relationship that is built between the two people who practice – one usually being dominant (a “daddy” or “master”), the other being submissive. My friend (who Is a sub, and shall remain anonymous), was kind enough to answer some questions I had.
A Master (sometimes referred to as ‘Daddy’) is a man who, within the game, owns your body and mind. The two terms (Master and Daddy) are not always used interchangeably. My first foray into this world was with a Master and he liked to be referred to as either ‘Master’ or ‘Sir’ in the beginning. Once we became more emotionally bonded, I was able to call him ‘Daddy’ and we mostly stayed in that world of age-play (the parent/child dynamic).
The term ‘Master’ usually denotes a more dominant tone and there will be some tenderness during the sessions together, but your job as a sub (which is what you are if you have a master) is to please your Master; your pleasure is unimportant. With a Master, a sub will experience more humiliation and degradation games.
The term sub is short for submissive, so that applies to the person in the relationship that is NOT the Master; the sub’s job is to worship and please their Master.
A man who likes the ‘Daddy’ title is still the dominant one and, as the ‘baby’, your job is still to please your Daddy, but your Daddy is usually also very interested in pleasing his baby girl. You almost always receive more sweetness and affection from the Daddy/baby relationship.
I first got into it when a guy I thought was cute asked me if I wanted to be owned and I was like, “What does that mean??” And then we engaged in a Master/sub relationship where I was walked on a leash, spanked, etc. and I loved it.
I prefer the Daddy dynamic. I like to be submissive, and I will take some humiliation, but I really enjoy the sweetness of cuddling and having my needs meet.
Five and a half years ago, at age 39, I was widowed suddenly. For a long time after that, I absolutely detested it when anyone would refer to me as being “single.” It was insulting to me. Single people hung out at singles bars and went out at night looking to meet other single people. Single people had a choice, or some version of a choice in their single-ness. Not me. My husband was dead. My life was ripped apart from me in one shocking second. I was widowed, NOT single, and there is a huge difference.
I didn’t want anything to do with the single life. I wanted no part of it. I just wanted my husband back. Now, years later, I still feel that way, because I still and will always want my husband back, and want that life that I had and never got to fulfill. But, I’m also human. And humans get lonely. Humans need to feel loved. Humans need companionship, and to spend time with other humans whose company they enjoy. So, sometime last spring, I attempted something I didn’t think I would ever attempt in my lifetime. And after my experiences, I honestly cant really see myself ever attempting it again. Dating sites.
To say this experiment has been interesting, is the understatement of the century. It has been downright weird and bizarre. Now don’t get me wrong. I have met some very nice people on these sites over the 10 months or so that I did it, here and there. But the weirdness and the confusion far outweigh the “nice”, at least in my experience. And the whole concept of meeting people this way, is extremely strange and foreign to me, still. Maybe because I am 45 years old. Maybe I’m just old school. Maybe this just doesn’t work for me. Or maybe its just weird and that’s just the way it is. I don’t really know. Yet here I am, stuck in this world of “unwillingly single.” And although I don’t have much interest in continuing to meet people this way currently, I have remained on 2 of the sites, mostly for comedic purposes (it sure gives great material for articles like this one!) If you are new to dating sites, one thing to take note of is that when you first join, you are like “fresh meat” for all the members. The responses are overwhelming at first, and yes, flattering. You start to think: “Hey, a lot of people think I’m attractive! This isn’t so bad!” Then you realize fairly quickly, that a good portion of those people are completely off-their-rocker-bonkers. After you are on the sites for a few months, the novelty wears off. Unless you are blonde and skinny with a perfectly sized body, all those multiple messages per day you were getting, telling you how gorgeous you are, start to wither away. So, even though I have remained on 2 of the sites, its mostly due to laziness of deleting my account. (I do the free ones. I’m not PAYING for this shit-fest!!!) The sites have been mostly silent as of late, aside from a random message now and then from a complete weirdo.
Many years ago, while living in NYC as a struggling actor and comedian, I worked as a Phone Fantasy Girl; otherwise known as “phone sex operator.” I had just finished a 2-year run at Radio City Music Hall, working there as a Tour Guide, and I was in desperate need of a new job. One day, while hanging out with two male friends, one of them saw an ad in the paper for a Manhattan company looking for phone girls. He said to me with pride: “You NEED to do this! You have the sexiest voice!” My other friend agreed, and the two of them “dared me” to call the number and get an interview. Being the competitive type that I am, I took on their dare, and called the number. About a week later, I was hired.
When I walked into work that first day to their Manhattan offices in a professional, nice looking high-rise building, I was taken aback at how business-like the environment was. If you didn’t know what was going on there, you would think you had just entered into some fancy Wall Street office. There were cubicles and dividers and headsets, and training rooms and conference rooms and the like. The people that ran the company and the people who worked there as fantasy girls and other staff, were some of the nicest people I have ever met. They were just regular, everyday people, like me. Struggling actors, single moms, college students, wives, all ages, all races, all sorts of reasons for taking on a job such as this. And although there were male security employees, and a few male Supervisors and Managers, the company was largely run by women.
For those of us who didn’t want the people in our lives knowing that we worked there, (which was most of us), everything was kept very discreet. The name of the company was mysterious and vague-sounding, and most of us told people who asked, that we worked for a “marketing company”, or that we did “phone sales and telemarketing.” For the most part, even the many other companies that resided in the same building as us, had no idea that it was a phone fantasy place. While a handful of my close friends have known for ages that I had this job, most people in my life had no idea. Until today. (Sorry mom and dad! Surprise!) Today, I’m coming out of the closet, so that I can share just some of the fascinating things I learned while working in the phone fantasy world. Strap in, folks. It’s gonna be good!!!
As I started to work more and learn more about the business, it struck me as amusing how many similarities there were in the phone fantasy / customer relationship, to the real life female / male relationship. In the phone sex world, you get paid an hourly rate, which was somewhere around $10 an hour if I remember correctly. It was “base pay.” The rest of your money comes in the form of commission, and that is based on how long you can keep the customer on the call. The longer the call, the more money you make. Now, this is very difficult, because most of the men who are calling want to get off, and do it quickly. Half of them are close to being “there” when they call, and just need to be taken over the edge. So when a guy called up who was already in mid-masturbation mode, we were instructed to try and “small talk” with him. Imagine his frustration, when he is trying like hell to orgasm, and I’m delaying it by saying: “So, how about those Yankees? That was quite a game yesterday, right?” And he is on the other end panting and impatient: “WHAT ARE YOU WEARING???” So, its a lot like real life. When it comes to sex, men want to get off, but the women won’t stop yapping! It also struck me that the man is paying so that he can get off, and yet the woman is still trying to delay his pleasure, and talk more. Its just like real life, where the man takes a woman out for a nice dinner in hopes of taking her to bed, and in the end, he could end up listening to her life story, and going home alone with an empty wallet.
Did you know that some men get turned on by pretending to be a bug? As in, an insect? Yeah. I didn’t either, until I took this job, and a guy called me one day, telling me that his fantasy was for me to be driving my car and then put on the windshield wipers at full speed. He, an insect hanging out on my windshield, would then get squashed over and over and over, by the wipers. This would in fact, kill him, and when he was properly murdered by my windshield wipers, he would bust out into orgasm. This guy called me over and over, every single week, and wanted that exact same conversation each and every time. The call was only a couple of minutes long, and mainly consisted of me describing my windshield wipers going back and forth over his insect body, until his eventual death / orgasm.
What I learned very quickly, is that pretty much anything in the world can be made into someone’s fetish. Things that you would never in a million years imagine how or why that is sexual or could be a turn-on to someone – is! One customer who called me regularly, enjoyed listening to the sounds of me pretending that I was vomiting. He would make me describe different things I was eating, and then he would ask me if I was going to puke. “Yup, here I go!”, I would say, and begin to make ridiculous and obviously fake throwing up sounds. There was absolutely no sex in his fantasy.