6 Surprising Things I Learned While Working as a Phone Fantasy Girl in Manhattan

Another customer listened as I snapped rubber bands over and over, on his balls. Sometimes for an entire 30 minutes straight. Another man got off on the idea that he was paying for this service. That was his turn-on. That he was wasting his money, and paying a fortune to talk with me. He was actually my favorite caller, because I didnt have to do anything when he called, and I’d get paid a good amount of money. He would start the call by asking me to tell him what the per minute rate was, and then he would keep asking: “So how much have I spent now? What about now? If I stay on with you for 2 hours, that will be a few hundred dollars, right? Im going to lose everything I have because I cant stop calling you, right?” After assuring him that his life was indeed in shambles for calling me so much, he would then tell me to just put down my headset and walk away, or do something else, and leave him there on the line without talking to him. So, he got off by being ignored. It was great. I could leave the room, go watch TV in the break room, and this guy is sitting on the phone until the time runs out. Fantastic.

Perhaps the strangest fettish I can recall was a man who was really into turtles. He didnt want to have sex with turtles (thank god), but he wanted me to BE a turtle, and talk in a turtle voice. Now, if any of you reading this can inform me the answer to the question “What the hell is a turtle voice???”, I would really appreciate it, because I have no clue. So, week after week, I created a turtle character for this man, and gave my turtle a “turtle voice.” His fetish was basically that he wanted me to speak in this strange turtle voice, and then sit on him and crush him with my turtle shell. I’m not sure what the hell happened to some of these men as children, but these fetishes where they want to be murdered or sat on or crushed up and die, were a tad disturbing.

YOUR BORING ACCOUNTANT IS EXTREMELY KINKY:

In my time working as a fantasy girl, there was definitely a theme with serious, 9 to 5 type business men. They are very kinky. That guy who does your taxes. Or the one with nerdy glasses and a briefcase, who barely says a word. Or the big powerful lawyer or big shot corporate giant with the corner office. Those are the kind of guys who generally had the kinkiest fantasies. Maybe its because they are men of power during the day and in their lives. Maybe they want to reverse the roles and be more submissive in fantasy. Maybe they order people around all day long, and they are craving for someone to do the same for them. Whatever the reason, these types of men would generally have fantasies involving them cross-dressing, wearing panties, and being forced into becoming females. One customer would turn from Lenny to Leslie, at the mention of an agreed upon code word from me. He would slowly take on the female voice, put on lingerie that he had hidden in his desk drawer, and then drive to the nearest xxx cinema, to service men through a glory-hole. Another corporate type used to call up and play the role of a British, Mary Poppins type character. I would play an older english woman who was lonely, and he would play this British nanny who would pop by my place for tea, and a bit of random lesbian sex. It was like Mrs. Doubtfire and Mrs. Doubtfire, going at it. Very strange. Another man who called often, spoke of his personal secretary, and how he had sexually harassed her for years in the office. In his fantasy, she turns the tables on him and dominates him, spanks him, makes him wear a dress, and then violates him with a strap-on. Many of these business men types wanted to be spanked or tortured or humiliated in some way. Others wanted to be peed on, and still others wanted to lick and suck toes, or be made to ejaculate on feet as a form of punishment. Every time I see a too serious man in a business suit these days, I laugh to myself, wondering what kinky things he is up to when he shuts his office door.

PHONE GUYS INSERT A LOT OF WEIRD STUFF:

Back in the late 1990s, when I first met my late husband in a Music Trivia Chat Room online, I was living in NYC and him in Florida. He was a paramedic, and I was just starting this job as a phone fantasy girl, which he found hilarious and fascinating. One of our favorite things to do whenever we talked, was to exchange stories of what objects and food items men had put in their butt that day. In his case, these were patients, often on the overnight shift, that would end up in the E.R. rushed by ambulance, because something would be stuck in their ass. We used to joke that first they would call me, then they would call him! I learned quickly that men (and perhaps women, but our service only talked with men) enjoy putting various things up there. Bananas, dildos, cucumbers, soup cans, umbrellas, even lightbulbs. (that caller HAD to end up on that ambulance ride!) Whether they were actually doing it, or just claiming to be, it was still pretty outrageous, some of the things they chose to put up their bum. On my very first day working as a phone sex girl, my very first call was about 30 seconds long, and Ill never forget it.

Me: Hi there baby. This is Jessica (we had many names and many characters). Id love to hear a little about you.

Him: (breathing hard)I’ve got a steak in my ass!!!

Me: (in shock) a what?

Him: Ive got a steak in my ass!!! (moaning)

Me: (confused) Ummm, what kind?

Him: Sirloin.

Me: (lost for words) Is it cooked?

Hangs up.

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6 Surprising Things I Learned While Working as a Phone Fantasy Girl in Manhattan

About The Author
- is a writer, actor, and stand-up comedian, living in NYC. Her first book: "My Husband Is Not a Rainbow: The Hilariously, Awful Truth About Life, Love, Grief, and Loss", will be released in 2017. Twitter and Instagram is @kelleyiskelley and www.akelleylynnlife.com