Even Though It Can Be Maddening, Why It’s Great to Be Dating

April 10, 2017January 22, 2024 by Kelley Lynnin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

It true, here is how it can be rewarding, fun, and even powerful.

One of the hardest things in life is starting over. It is true with anything, really. If you’re a writer, the hardest part of writing any piece, is formulating those first few words at the beginning. If you’re an artist, the hardest thing is looking at that blank easel or paper, and trying to narrow down your topic of inspiration. And if you are a female who finds herself single again – the absolute hardest thing, is starting over. Whether you are single by circumstance, due to a break up, or because you were widowed young – navigating the dating scene and modern dating sites can be extremely frustrating, maddening, and even downright depressing.

But please know that in addition to all of that, it can also be rewarding, fun, and even powerful. It’s true.

The Maddening Part

There are some real whack-jobs on these dating sites such as the guy on that one site who wanted to pay me to smell my feet and then clean my apartment or the other guy who had a fetish for watching fuller-figured women shove spaghetti in their mouths. You get the idea. And the ones who aren’t can be plain old-fashioned rude. Guys who stop all contact out of nowhere, otherwise known as “ghosting.” Guys who lie in their profiles and then for weeks, telling you they are single when in fact they are very much married. Guys who just want sex and aren’t very smooth about getting it. These characters are out there.

All I could think, at first, in having to deal with all these lunatics online who didn’t seem to be too worthy of my time, was: “Dammit. I wouldn’t have to do ANY of this, if my husband weren’t dead forever. Can I just have THAT LIFE BACK NOW PLEASE???” But the thing is, the answer on that Magic 8 Ball always comes back the same. “No.” So I have no choice but to begin again, and once I began to accept that, I could start to see the dating sites in a whole new light.

There are a lot of genuine, real, kind men out there. Men who are just like me, and who are just trying to navigate their way through the life they have right now, and find something or someone they connect with. So, while the rest of you fellow single people are out there navigating like I am, here are a few reasons why starting over with dating can be positive, freeing, and powerful. Read on:

YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT:

I need and want different things. I require someone who has an empathetic heart. I need someone who makes me feel safe and protected. I need someone who is emotionally stable and healthy. I need for the person I’m with to understand that my late husband is a piece of me, forever. And that my love for him and his for me, is the very reason that I’m able to want and desire a great love again now. I need someone who is secure enough in themselves to understand that the heart expands, and that they are not in a contest. Each love you have is unique, because each person and each connection is unique. Being jealous of a love from the past is not something I will put up with, and not the kind of person I want in my life today.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WON’T PUT UP WITH:

In my earlier days, before I was fully grown emotionally, I would have put up with a lot more from a partner than I do today. Today, I will not accept racism or hatred, however veiled, of any kind. I will not date anyone who treats other people with disrespect or unkindness. A long time ago, a friend told me that if a man is rude or standoff-ish to their waiter/server on a first date, she considered that a sign of how he will treat HER in the future when he is in a bad mood or life isn’t going well, and she wouldn’t see him again. I have adopted this same principle. It’s a very clear and easy way to show a lot about someone’s character. How do they treat people in the service industry? It’s very telling. Lastly, if I sense any red flags at all, or if something just feels “off” with someone I just began dating, I’m going to go with my instincts and assume that something IS off. Every single time I have ignored my instincts, I have regretted it. That’s not going to happen again.

When you’re a little older, these are the types of things that you start to get better at. You have to get your heart broken open a few times too many, in order to be able to spot the ones that might not be truthful. And let me tell you, there is a lot of power and freedom in saying to someone: “No. I deserve better than what you have to give me.”

YOU DON’T TAKE EVERYTHING SO SERIOUSLY:

Remember back in high school, or even college years, where every little thing that happened to you in your personal life, was literally the end of the world? Where every break-up, every fight, every boy that didn’t return your feelings, sent you into a spin-cycle of depression and endless sobbing? When you are older, those things just don’t matter much anymore. They slide off your back a lot easier than before. Because you have lived. You have experienced life, and it isn’t always pretty. You know there are disappointments. You know that people can hurt you. When you know all this, and then it happens from some stranger on a dating site, it doesn’t sting quite as much.

Sure, its never awesome when somebody makes you feel bad or makes you feel unattractive or unwanted. But really, when you think about it, anyone who would go out of their way to make someone else feel bad, has a lot of issues going on within themselves. Most of the time, when someone treats you poorly, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and all their unresolved issues. Once you know this, it’s much easier to just accept things for what they are and try not to read too much into them, or predict the future. A text exchange with someone on a dating site is just that – two people talking and attempting to get to know each other. Sometimes these conversations will go well. Other times they won’t. Sometimes they will go nowhere or be boring or you wont click or connect. Other times you think that you did connect, and then he stops contacting you.

There are a million different variables and reasons why some things just don’t work out. If you try not to take it all so seriously, and take the pressure off of yourself that you NEED TO MEET YOUR SOULMATE RIGHT NOW!!!! – the entire dating experience becomes not only more tolerable, but sort of fun. Think of it as meeting lots of potential new friends. There are quite a few guys on the sites that I didn’t connect with on a relationship level, but who have become good friends. The ones that went nowhere, they probably weren’t meant to. Keep trying, and don’t take any of it to heart.

YOU HAVE MORE CONFIDENCE:

There is beauty in wisdom. In strength. And there is beauty in living a life of struggle and surviving. These days, even though I will admit to still being insecure about my fuller figured body, I am also a lot more secure in my own beauty, and I know that a lot of that beauty comes from an inner-light. If you show confidence and joy and an ease within yourself, that is reflected, and others see it as beautiful. Its an attractive quality. That is why when you are in a relationship and really happy, it seems like other guys are hitting on you and flirting with you all the time. They ARE! Because you’re giving off this joy and this peace as you strut your fine ass down that street, they pick up on that, and they want to be around it.

ADMIRERS AND COMPLIMENTS:

It’s the same way on the dating sites. Your inner-glow shows up and makes an appearance in your profile pictures. Men pick up on this, and they want to be around you. I will admit also, it feels really nice to be told, even by total strangers on dating sites, that you are indeed attractive, that you have a great smile, pretty eyes, anything like that. We are all human, and we want to feel wanted and cared for, and it feels good when someone else recognizes things in us that maybe we didn’t even see .

When I first started dating again one of my biggest worries was that I was convinced that nobody would or could ever love me in the beautiful way that my husband did. And in a way, I was right. Nobody WILL love me the exact way that he did. But why would I want them to? Someone new will love me in their beautiful and unique way. Once I figured that out, the fears about it started to drift away, and I started to get more excited about the idea of “someone else.” And now I’m finding that although I will always miss my husband, it is exciting and fun to discover someone new that you begin to care about, and all the many ways in which they choose to show you love.

YOU ARE BRAVE

The big thing about getting out there again and diving into the dating scene, is that it’s actually quite brave. It takes a lot of courage and energy to literally “put yourself out there” in mind, heart, and soul – and take the chance of getting hurt or rejected. But after having my heart broken a few bazillion times, I have started to figure out that someone’s rejection of me simply means that they are not the person who will appreciate what I have to offer and who I am and what I have been through. So I don’t want them. Which means, technically, I’m the one rejecting them. See how I turned that around? All it takes is a bit of humor, and a little perspective.

It can feel really good, and really powerful, to be able to get into the world of dating. There are so many interesting people in this world, so many to choose from. Some are so totally wrong for who you are, and others are so totally right. Some might be right if the timing were different, and others might be right if you were more compatible. And then, there is that someone, that could be the exact right person, at the exact right time, and you never would have known that, had you not taken that chance.

Love is a beautiful thing, and love is always worth the risk.
Every single time.

7 Rules for Tapping Your Intuition in Love

April 20, 2017January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

From mind-reading on a date to tuning into psychic alarm bells, how you can use your sixth sense to find the perfect man…

Are you fed up looking for love in all the wrong places? It might be time to tune in to your intuition. As a psychic consultant, I believe the real reason we struggle to find the perfect partner is because we ignore our instincts.

We turn our back on our inner wisdom and listen to what people tell us rather than using our sixth sense. The results are confusion and heartbreak. You might think love is complicated, but when you use your instincts you’ll see it’s simple.

Follow my steps for getting in touch with your intuition and you’ll be able to mind-read your dates and suss out the Mr Rights and Mr Wrongs — and find a partner who is perfect for you…

YOUR SECRET POWERS

Did you know you can read minds?

We all have intuitive power. All of us have had feelings about people that have been correct, yet we can’t put our ﬁnger on why we felt the way we did.

We often know when a partner is lying to us, even if every logical sign is to the contrary. The problem arises when we choose to ignore these feelings.

‘I knew something wasn’t right from the start,’ my client will tell me, a month after her date has run off with her best friend. ‘But I hoped for the best.’ If only she’d listened to her inner wisdom.

How to tap into that intuition

Often, our minds are ﬁlled with daily chores, worries and problems. When our mind is full like this, we’re far away from our intuition and, as a result, we make bad decisions — particularly when it comes to relationships.

So set aside half an hour a day to clear your mind. Turn off the radio, TV and your mobile phone, close your eyes and let go of your thoughts and worries.

Intuitive thought comes from a calm place, but it also comes from taking notice of the signs the world is giving you . . .

SEVEN RULES OF INTUITION

Rule One: Believe In Yourself

The minute you begin to doubt yourself, your intuition stops talking to you.

Rule Two: Relax

The mind must be calm to let the right energy come through.

Rule Three: Listen to your dreams

Intuitive thoughts often come to us in dreams. So when you wake up, jot down as many details as you can remember, which will help make clearer the messages your dreams are trying to give you.

Rule Four: Notice coincidences

If you bump into an old friend, keep in touch. The universe is trying to send you a message — let your intuition be your guide.

Rule Five: Don’t ignore your feelings

Don’t try to suppress negative feelings with a chocolate bar. Instead of snacking to make yourself feel better, face up to what is making you unhappy.

Rule Six: Pay attention to your body

How often have you heard people say such things as ‘He makes me sick to my stomach’? Take time to listen to what your body is saying.

Rule Seven: Practice

No one would take an exam without study. It’s the same with intuition — use it every day to build up your powers.

UNDERSTAND YOUR PAST RELATIONSHIPS

Love cycles

Do you understand why past relationships ended? I’ve counselled many clients who have lived out the same bad relationship over and over again. Their partners change, but the relationship is the same.

Here are the ﬁve negative love cycles I see clients repeat over and over again:

You never get past the first few dates;
He leaves you for his ex;
He stops calling you;
He cheats on you;
He’s never good enough for you.

Don’t ignore psychic alarm bells

Now that we’ve identified the cycles, it’s time to take responsibility for your past relationships. Otherwise, you’ll be stuck with negative feelings. What warning signs did you ignore in the relationship?

Have you ever replayed a situation in your head after a relationship has ended and said to yourself ‘I knew something wasn’t right when he said that’? That’s a psychic alarm bell.

Look at your past two relationships or dating experiences and see if you can identify the alarm bells.

Write out three or four pages about each one, from how you met to how it all ended. Now, take a good look at what you’ve written and work out which warning signs you chose to ignore.

Did he ever talk about his former girlfriend and, if so, how did you feel at the time? Were there any unexplained date cancellations? What were the situations that gave you cause for alarm, but you brushed over?

You will see there was at least one alarm bell, and most likely four or ﬁve. Here is the important part: Learn from them. Look out for them in your next relationship.

Asking painful questions

Ask your intuition why you seek out these kinds of relationship. It might be painful, but it’s only in taking responsibility that you can move on.

If you never get past a few dates, is it because you are picking partners you aren’t suited to? If so, why?

If you keep going for men with former girlfriends in the wings, is it because you don’t think you really deserve a man with a clean slate?

And if no man is ever good enough for you, is it really because a bad relationship or complicated family background left you terrified of being hurt?

The biggest block to finding true love is self-esteem. Tune in to your higher self to access the confident, happy, loving you.

‘SEE’ YOUR SOULMATE

Now that you’ve reconciled your past, it’s time to look to the future.

I’m always amazed by how few people have taken the time to consider who is their perfect partner — Mr Right.

The Power of 100

This is a psychic tool to imagine your perfect mate. Take a piece of paper and write out at least 100 things you would like in your future partner.

You could include ‘qualities’ such as ‘loves watching EastEnders’ and ‘can ride a bike with no hands’. Write only positive statements.

Once you’ve noted the qualities you would like, you will have a picture of the person with whom you want to spend your life.

Believe it or not, that person exists and is on his way. Your soulmate might be a new person or an old friend who drifts back into your life at exactly the right moment.

DATING

Mind-reading when you meet

Feelings are the messengers of the intuition. Pay attention to how you feel when you’re spending time with a new love interest. Most people have a few nerves when they’re dating, especially if they’re really interested in someone, and this is ﬁne. But do you feel anything else? Happiness? Comfort or discomfort? Unusual levels of anxiety? Take note.

How to spot Mr Wrong

You might meet people who aren’t good relationship material — you’ll need your intuition to be on the alert for men who aren’t what they seem to be.

There are three types of Mr Wrong: Married Men, Players and Commitment-phobes. Each comes with his own early warning system. If he pays only with cash and can’t see you at weekends — is he married? If he says charming things, but his actions say he couldn’t care less — is he a game player?

Listen to those psychic alarm bells.

How to spot Mr Right

Once you’ve got past the first few dates, how do you know love is long-term? Your intuition has a special way of showing you that a man genuinely cares.

There are many psychic love signs — he might choose dates that match your taste — but mostly it is just a feeling. Finding Mr Right will make you feel warm, contented, special and safe.

By tuning in to your powers of intuition you will find this true love.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Millennials: What Do ‘Grown-Up Relationships’ Look Like?

April 21, 2017January 22, 2024 by RJ Newellin LOVE

Have you seen these headlines?

‘Millennial Commitment-Phobia Threatens the Future of Love.’

‘Are Dating Apps the End of Romance?’

‘Love is Dead, and Millennials Killed It.’

Thanks for the laughs, Google. I wholeheartedly disagree.

While everyone is different, I believe that most Millennials do believe in love and commitment in some form or another. The fact that we’re free to feel otherwise and/or change our minds can actually strengthen our ultimate resolve to have these needs met. Millennials want joy and fulfillment in our relationships, in whatever way we feel is best for us.

Maybe that’s the key difference that’s scaring everyone. We don’t choose partners based on “whatever society says is best,” or even “what our parents think we should do.” We love in whatever way we feel is best for us.

The ways in which today’s singles ‘hunt and gather’ in relationships looks drastically different than previous generations, but that’s not necessarily new. Our parents’ love lives were different from their parents, just as their parents’ were different from their grandparents. As technology and culture jump forward, so do the ways in which we live our lives. Call it evolution, development, advancement, whatever – change can be uncomfortable for some, but it’s important.

In the 60s, ‘free love’ was said to be the end of relationships. Was it?

When women began prioritizing their education and careers, they were said to be ‘destroying traditional family values.’ Did they?

When divorce was legalized, it was an outrage. “Commitment is dead!” they said.

Fast forward to 2017: same kids, new toys. Millennials are not the first generation to shake things up, and it’s okay. Commitment phobia, ‘ghosting’ and one-night stands are not new concepts. We just have flashy new apps, websites and catchphrases for them now.

Instead of going out for milk and never coming home (as great-grandpa did back in the day), we can just press ‘block,’ ‘delete’ and then go on with our lives. It’s cheaper and safer than the old-fashioned alternatives, especially if marriage hasn’t entered the picture. Millennials aren’t forced to enter legal contracts before they’re ready (risking long-term unhappiness, family dysfunction, infidelity and more). We are free to pick and choose the kinds of relationships we actually want.

So why isn’t everyone celebrating?

As great as evolution is, these advances do make things a little more complicated.

In Scientific American, Helen Fisher (a relationship expert at Rutgers University and chief scientific advisor at Match.com) has said that she does not subscribe to the idea of a ‘relationship apocalypse.’ Instead, she describes modern dating trends as “slow love,” meaning that Millennials are taking more time to experiment and find out what they don’t want before they settle down with what they do want.

Thanks to dating apps, we have infinitely more choices when it comes to selecting a partner. This makes love more complicated than it was for our grandparents, dating only within their own towns and cities.

If I’m offered three types of breakfast cereal to choose from, it might take five minutes to pick. But what about three hundred choices? I might be in the breakfast aisle forever.

I’m not fickle or indecisive for using multiple dating apps. Like any sensible human, I want to consider all the options before making a decision. It isn’t impulsiveness or fear that leads Millennials to jump around; it’s actually a sense of responsibility.

The behaviors we engage in are not new; our openness about them is. LGBTQ+ Americans have always been around, whether we were socially accepted or not. The gender spectrum hasn’t changed, our language for it has. Single parenthood, premarital sex, polyamory, fetishes, and infidelity are not new ideas. Neither is blaming ‘those damn kids’ for things that make us uncomfortable.

Being open about our needs has a number of positive benefits: safer sex, improved psychological health, better relationships, increased acceptance of ourselves and others, and fewer wasted years trying to hide and fit into lives that aren’t genuine. With that said…I get it. Dating is fine and dandy, but what about commitment?

In a generation that notoriously struggles to ‘adult,’ what do Grown-Up Relationships look like?

I remember sitting in the schoolyard at five years old, trying to picture myself at twenty. I imagined I’d be married, have a house, two kids and a dog. Now that twenty has come and gone, I can’t help but giggle at this outlandish fantasy. The vast majority of today’s twenty year-olds can’t afford their own rent, let alone support a family.

To understand why we most likely aren’t married (yet or ever), let’s consider some of the factors surrounding our life decisions. According to the Pew Research Center, Millennials are more educated but significantly less affluent than previous generations. Adults in their 20s and early 30s are more likely to still live with their parents; this comes not out of desire or laziness, but of need. Most of us can’t afford to throw a wedding in our twenties, let alone buy a house and start a family. While the bar for success has risen with our education, the odds for a stable career are lower than ever. Is it any wonder then, that most of us won’t marry young?

If by ‘grown up’ you mean financially stable, most of us aren’t there yet. But if maturity is a measure of emotional independence, personal commitment to improvement and working hard to attain stability – then yes, we’re all adults, here.

Millennial relationships are Grown-Up Relationships. And modern grown-ups don’t need to get married. We need love and support – and that doesn’t necessarily mean following blueprints set by our parents. Most of my Millennials friends don’t consider marriage a bad thing, but they also aren’t ready (or willing) any time soon.

I married my partner, but I am definitely not a “grown-up” with a house and two kids the way my five-year-old self had anticipated. Our world is not that of our grandparents, so today’s typical marriage looks a little different. I wouldn’t expect anyone else to make the same choices as me, or vice versa. My grown-up relationship is not your grown-up relationship, just as my day-job is not your day-job. As Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Don’t let outdated standards determine your modern needs.

Perhaps instead of worrying that our love lives aren’t ‘mature’ by ancient standards, we can look at the big picture and accept that we are exactly where we’re supposed to be for this time in history. If you’re one of 1.8 billion Millennials navigating love in an unprecedented world, I applaud you. You’re not alone, you’re not the first, and you’re certainly not the last.

Welcome to Millennial Love. What does it mean to you?

Relationship 911: Unpacking Shame

April 25, 2017January 22, 2024 by RJ Newellin LOVE

The ways we perceive the actions of others reflect how we see ourselves. I knew I had a problem with shame because of how I’d been treating my partner.

It began innocently enough.

“Are you really going to eat all of that?” I’d ask playfully, as if monitoring his eating would negate my own cravings.

“You did what in high school?” I’d gasp, appalled at whatever crazy anecdote came up. As if I were Mother Theresa.

I was looking at his past under the same negative microscope with which I judged my own. This served to confirm my belief that my mistakes made me a bad person.

Shame was deeply rooted in my relationship history, but I covered it with false bravado, impulsiveness and deflection. Subconsciously, I kept focus away from my own negative qualities by looking for them in others. Even in those I loved.

At the time, I saw this as a positive behavior. I would point to something I saw as a fault in my lover, then actively assert myself in “helping” him fix it. I thought that this made me a good partner. But in truth, I was anything but.

I didn’t know how to love someone without trying to improve him or her somehow – even if my words said otherwise, and even if I didn’t really want to change them. I couldn’t help myself. Judgment, blame and shame were all that I knew, even when life was good.

“Blame is [a] defensive cover-up for shame. Blame maintains the balance in a dysfunctional system when control has broken down.” – John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame that Binds You

I could say that I developed these habits because of my religious upbringing, where love came with conditions. Or I could blame my actions on past relationships, because they all seemed to have been dysfunctional in this way. But to actually solve the problem, I would have to look at the common denominator in these factors: me.

I didn’t know how to love myself without pretense or perfectionism. And because I didn’t take the time to admit this before I entered the relationship, it took a big toll on my partner. I was ruining my life, without even realizing it.

At the time, I was convinced that I was in the right. I believed that caring for people in spite of their shortcomings was the same as unconditional love. The very foundation of my relationships had been poisoned by shame. I acted defensively by default, manifesting of my own deepest fears. I truly loved my partner, but I was doing it wrong.

It took a great deal of therapy, self-reflection and rock bottom moments for me to finally have the guts to look in the mirror and acknowledge the fearful person staring back at me.

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Why I Prefer for the Woman to Make the First Move

May 3, 2017January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

For 23 years, I’ve always felt like it’s been my responsibility to make the first move in dating situations.

It’s not like anyone has ever formally told me this would be my responsibility either.

It’s just one of those concepts that has been instilled in me by society — whether through popular culture or other forms of media — for about as long as I can remember.

And I’m not sure why.

I feel we’re at a place right now, as humans, where gender shouldn’t affect our behavior — or, at the very least, shouldn’t restrict it.

I’m sure there are women at the bar who would love to approach a guy they’re interested in but stray away from doing so because of conventional dating standards.

At the same time, I’d love for a woman to approach me. Here’s why.

1. I’m shy, also.

It’s difficult to always be the one responsible for making any type of first move.

If I don’t make an attempt to approach you, it doesn’t always mean I’m not interested in you — it’s just that we, as men, can get shy too. And rejection isn’t always how we’d like to end the night.

It would definitely be refreshing for you to approach us once in a while, especially if you’re just sitting around hoping we’ll approach you.

At the end of the day, the first move is just that — the first of many potential moves.

We might just be too shy to make it, early on.

2. I won’t spend half the conversation wondering if I’m bothering you.

It’s difficult trying to create something out of nothing, and conversation is definitely not the exception, especially when you’re approaching a complete stranger at the bar and can’t really tell whether or not he or she is into you — or just entertaining your presence out of politeness.

And while we appreciate your efforts to conserve our egos, if your intentions aren’t on the same plane as ours, it’s really only leading us further down the rabbit hole.

For that reason, if we’re not 100 percent certain there’s chemistry, we may end up pulling the plug on our next move entirely, just to avoid bothering you.

3. I like a girl who knows what she wants.

Women who aren’t sure what they want are usually the ones who end up getting hurt, further down the road.

With that said, part of maturity is understanding what qualities to look for in another person and striving towards that.

It’s attractive to see a woman who is mature enough to act on her desires, regardless of any social “norms” that would suggest against it.

It will also lead to more successful relationships as a result of her being proactive about her own wants.

4. You don’t settle.

Nowadays, people are terrified of being single; they’ll settle for the first person who walks into their lives and shows them some attention.

Naturally, this is not a recipe for success. This is actually the fast lane to failure.

In my mind, “settling” comes from a place of insecurity. The way I see things, if you know your own self-worth, you’ll make sure you get something — or someone — you deserve.

It might take time, and it definitely requires more effort than just waiting for your number to get called — regardless of who’s calling it.

5. It’s intimidating, and I find that sexy.

If a woman ever approached me at the bar, to be quite honest, I think I’d be a bit taken aback. But not in the bad way, frankly, I think I’d be impressed.

See, a woman who makes the first move shows she can thrive on the offensive side of things, too — and that can be intimidating.

But it’s also extremely sexy — the same way Angelina Jolie maintains equal parts intimidation and sexy.

In fact, I feel like Angelina Jolie has no trouble picking up guys at the bar, or had no trouble doing so back when she was single.

And I’m all about that.

6. I know your intentions from the jump.

I feel like the whole concept of flirting or courting another human being is a game; you want to show the other person you’re interested, but at the same time, you don’t want to show your hand too early on and risk coming on too strong.

A lot of times, however, men will misread the “signals” within this game of dating.

I mean, you might think you’re “playing hard to get,” but I might just take it as you’re not into me and back off.

When a girl takes it upon herself to make the first move, I won’t have to worry about trying to read — or misread — signals; I’ll already have a head start on deciphering your intentions from the get.

7. It shows me you’re confident.

Confidence is the most attractive human quality imaginable, so to see you walk up to me — without any fear of rejection — will always be sexy.

It also tells me you’re not insecure about certain aspects of your character or appearance, which is why you chose not to hide in the corner of the bar like the rest of the girls.

When I see a confident woman, it only makes me want to find out exactly what it is behind it — or what’s driving it.

That’s the basis of intrigue, and it will only encourage a more upfront, give-no-f*cks dynamic to the chase.

8. I know you don’t want to be “just friends.”

There’s nothing worse than pressing a certain girl for days, even months, only to find out she’s made reservations for your ass in the “friend zone” since the very beginning.

I mean, it’s not that you’re uninterested in being friends with her; it’s just that you haven’t been on the same page as her, which becomes frustrating.

If women made the first move more often, we’d be able to distinguish between “friends” and “potential dating options,” which suddenly makes everything clearer.

After all, in most cases, it’s better to keep those eggs separated.

9. You defy convention.

It’s 2015; there shouldn’t be “norms” that still hold the greater population hostage to certain social situations.

If you’re a woman who sees a guy she likes, go talk to him. I doubt we — the entire male gender — will decide to just abandon any responsibility to reciprocate.

It’s not like that. We’re all humans here, humans with needs and wants — and we should all feel free to act upon these desires, regardless of our gender.

10. You’re not the type of girl who waits for things to come to her.

The fact that you possess the ability to see something you want and go and get it is a testament to your overall ambition.

It will show us you’re not complacent relative to matters of life. More importantly, it shows us you’re not complacent regarding the people in your life, either.

It doesn’t make you any less “feminine” to go approach a male at the bar. I’m not sure how gender even comes into play, quite frankly, with respect to making the first move.

When you see something you want, you should feel free to pursue it — regardless of gender or any societal norm urging you to wait for someone else.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Romance Has Been at a Standstill in My Life, Not This Summer.

May 12, 2017January 22, 2024 by Clementine Francesin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

ACCEPT THE INVITATION

One time I was totally having a wonderful conversation with a guy and near the end of our time at work he asked me what I would be doing at the end of the shift. I took that as an indication that he was no longer interested in having a conversation with me, so I told him I had to go pay rent money to my roommate which was true, but it wasn’t until after, that I realized that he was probably going to invite me to hang with him. I totally misread the situation. If someone asks you what your plans after the thing you’re doing are, don’t assume that it’s because they are just curious. It is their way of gauging you’re availability so they can ask you to hang out. If only I could go back to this day. I would have answered it like this: “Umm…nothing really. Why?” This could have totally shifted the course of things. I haven’t seen him in several months, or has it been a year, after our gig ended and now I am without this friend, possible potential boyfriend.

I also did this years ago when a guy I was totally into asked me to hang out, and me being the developmentally arrested girl I was, still drinking from her mother’s teat, said “Sorry can’t. Mom won’t let me.” I was like early 20s! And what if he met me in 2017? What if he asked me that question today? I am a totally different person now.

Sometimes, I mourn for the boys I crushed on because they met me at a more sheltered time in my life. Me, today, sheltered, but not in the way I once was, would be up for adventure. I could be in Shanghai right now on a weeklong adventure with him!

It’s so sad when things happen to you before you’re ready for them!

STOP USING YOUR LACK OF FUNDS AS AN EXCUSE NOT TO DO THINGS!

I am queen of “I have no money. I’m too broke. Sorry, can’t socialize.” But, you can’t live your life like this. I recently spent way too much money on a steak meal because I never do. Because I’ve conditioned myself to believe that money is only to be saved and when used should only be used for practical things and only frugally. But, no if he invites you to his $15 concert go! Just go. Say no to Starbucks or cigarettes for a week and save that money and go see his band play. We have to show people we are interested. Our fears can’t be the driving force in our lives. By saying I don’t have the money I’m choosing to be scared of living life. No one’s saying you gotta go see every show ever, but at least once or twice. Go to a movie even. Movies are totally overpriced, but if you go to one or two in a month the world will still turn. Maybe I’ll go see that $39 Broadway show with the guy I have the hots for should he ask. Or should I ask!

AGE AIN’T NOTHIN’ BUT A NUMBER!

Within reason. Let’s be legal please. But, I have this huge hang up about dating guys younger than me. Like four years younger than me. Five years younger than me. I consider them to be children and the idea of dating them makes me sick, but that’s my own personal hang-up. It’s not like I’m dating an 18 year old. If I’m 30 and he’s 25 or if I’m 27 and he’s 23, it’s not the end of the world if we go out to eat. Sure, younger guys can be immature and lame, but we’re not talking marriage here. Just, “Hey he’s attractive, let’s go to a party!” The president of France’s has step children born in the same decade as him. He’s doing alright. You’ll be alright too.

This summer I don’t want to be closed off. Romance has been at a standstill in my life since the beginning of time. The last time I attempted to give it a shot, was a summer, and it went horribly wrong and it took me a long time to recover. But, New Year, new me! I don’t want to live in the shadows. You don’t either. Let’s not be complacent in hiding.

5 Reasons to Have a Summer Fling

May 15, 2017January 22, 2024 by Jennifer Ashley Greenein DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Summer lovin’ had me a blast. Summer lovin’ happened so fast.

I know, technically it’s still spring, but let’s be realistic, people are solidifying their Memorial Day Weekend plans and then all of a sudden it’s summer and if we don’t start thinking about it now, we’ll be ill prepared when everyone else is all geared up (and paired up) for those steamier days (and nights!) So back to summer love I go! What’s the appeal of a relationship that only lasts three months? What’s the point? This is how I answered my friend recently when she asked me if I’d ever have a “fling”. Admittedly, I didn’t know people used this term in real life so once I stopped laughing at her and was able to have a serious discussion about it, I was surprised to discover that we both agreed it might not be the worst thing.

Here’s why I changed my whole perspective on the fling thing. The idea of getting involved with someone when there’s a timestamp on the whole experience gave me a bit of pause at first, sure, but when I spun it differently (and there ‘s always more than one way to look at any given situation) it actually sounded kind of exciting to me. I started thinking about not having to wonder where my relationship is headed, or if we both want the same things. The stuff he does that bugs the hell out of me? Who cares? Soon enough those annoying habits will be someone else’s problem! The idea of just being present and focusing on enjoying our time together without worrying about expectations or plans for the future is all too appealing. I can just be myself and feel comfortable and not have to change a single thing about me.

That sounds lovely doesn’t it? Being yourself in a relationship? What a notion! I don’t know about you, but I struggle with this seemingly easy concept more often than not. Speaking my mind, communicating my needs, setting boundaries, all the while being myself and having fun? I’m sorry, what? It can be totally overwhelming trying to find the delicate balance that relationships require. So when I think of taking the thing that overwhelms me the most- the future- off the table, and just focus on the ‘now’ part, then, um, yeah, I think I’ll give this whole summer love thing a shot. When I think of all the fun things associated with summer- beaches, pools, vacations, picnics, outdoor concerts, fireworks, etc, and then having someone to do these things with? Yes please! Why wouldn’t I be open to this?

In case you’re not sold on flinging yet, allow me to really drive my point home with some of the benefits I found to being open-minded to this kind of non-commitment:

Being in a less serious relationship helps to take some pressure off and has gotten me in the mindset of enjoying dating (yes, it’s possible!)
I have the perfect opportunity to make some mistakes! Look, dating can be super challenging; no one is going to argue that. Here’s a chance for me to do all the things I might not do in a serious relationship.
You know all those events we get invited to in the summer? I do, and I dread going to them solo. Barbeques, weekends at the beach, weddings? Having someone to attend with? Someone to satisfy everyone’s constant probe, “are you seeing anyone?” Sign me up!
It’ll encourage me to break the pattern of my usual “type”. Who doesn’t have a dating pattern? Mainly attracted to athletes? Ethnic guys? Financiers? I am. I’m going to take a risk and date someone outside the norm for me. Maybe a politician. Who knows? That in and of itself is super exciting and enough to make me want to give this a shot. Even if it ends up being as epic a fail as breakaway track pants, I’ll have learned something from the experience!
It’s not easy to do things solely on your terms in relationships. Things get really tricky when considering the feelings of everyone involved. Having a short summer romance might actually help me to find my voice, and gain more confidence when it comes to stating my needs in a future (serious) relationship.

All I’m saying is I’m going to give this a shot. There are way worse things than opening myself to the possibility of happiness. And even if I just discover it’s not for me? Awesome. Now I know. And I’ll also have a really fun “fling” story to share with my friends. My online dating stories are getting old anyway.

Why Speed Dating Is Working for Me Today

May 30, 2017January 22, 2024 by Jennifer Ashley Greenein DATING ADVICE, LOVE

About six months ago, I was hired to be a host at a speed dating event. As someone whose prior (and sole) experience involving speed dating was based on the movie Hitch (moment to swoon over the thought of Will Smith please), I was more than a little apprehensive when I agreed to take the job. Call me crazy but I just don’t love getting involved in things I don’t fully believe in. But it was a job and it paid, so I convinced myself to give it a shot. I figured if all else failed, it would make for an interesting story, and that was enough incentive for me.

As the event neared, and I had spoken in great length with the organizer (who lives out of state, hence hiring me to represent her business) I became even more skeptical. Here we had close to 30 participants registered, and then me, slated to run the whole thing, even though Will Smith hadn’t returned my calls and by the looks of it, wasn’t going to attend. Bummer. As prepared as I was to host the evening, I didn’t know what to expect.

A Delightful Dating Surprise

Cut to the event and the delightfully surprise ending it had. In the end, less people attended than had registered (I’m sure the pressure got to them, which I understand!) Yet of the people who were in attendance, these were some of the most interesting people I’ve ever met. Everyone was so open to the idea of meeting someone, which led to some of the most genuine and kind conversations I’ve yet to witness. Also, as all participants were in the same boat as they arrived and no one really knew what to expect, it was really easy to find common ground and connect with each other.

The event turned out to be a pleasant surprise for several reasons. One, it went off without a hitch (see what I did there- Hitch?) and everyone really enjoyed themselves, so from an organizational standpoint, it was a success. Two, as we had more men than women registered, I was happy to chat with the extra man each round and make sure he felt comfortable. In doing so I found myself involved in really interesting conversations with some wonderful men. And three, it helped me to see that I truly had nothing to be skeptical about, and left me with a really great impression of speed dating. I’ve hosted two since, and will continue to host as it fits into my schedule.

Why Speed Dating Is Interesting to Me

Now, should I try it myself? Here’s why I think speed dating is a really interesting concept in today’s world. With technology as predominant as it is in every single facet of our lives (I just downloaded a meditation app this morning) we are ultimately trying to make the most of our time, right? I, for one, constantly find myself telling people “there’s an app for that”. Our time is so precious, and we’re all simultaneously trying to hold down a job (or two), maintain a fitness regime, a social life, run errands, prepare meals, etc. We have so much to do that meeting new people can become really daunting. After a day of working two jobs, fitting in a workout and going grocery shopping, I personally, just want to crash on the couch and binge watch Master of None.

Two Months of Dating in One Night

With speed dating, in one night I can realistically do two months worth of dating in one night. I don’t have to feel the guilt of “stacking” or “double booking” dates because the event is literally designed for that purpose. And there’s no pressure of sitting through an entire meal, worrying about who’s going to pay at the end, etc. I could very well go on 15 different dates; even if I connect with 2 of them, that’s great! I can still make it home for the 10 o’clock news! I didn’t have to make a plan, gather a group of girlfriends, research a good bar for singles and then spend a bunch of money only at the end of the night to discover that the night was a total bust.

It’s been a happy accident that I’ve been able to participate in the speed dating events as more than just a host, one that has even resulted in four dates (with three different guys). My experiences have totally changed my opinion on speed dating and I would definitely recommend it to anyone who hasn’t tried it or has been holding out. Even if the “date” is going really poorly, it only lasts 5 minutes. And who knows, maybe the next guy to rotate in will be Will Smith. If you’re lucky!

Why I am Loving the First Date

June 11, 2017January 22, 2024 by Kelley Lynnin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

So while I’m waiting on love to come my way, I have come to really appreciate the truly special gifts, that come from a first date.

It was not my plan to be single again. It was not my plan to be suddenly widowed after only have 4 years of marriage with my beautiful husband, or to try to navigate through modern-day dating and dating sites. No, none of these things were my plan.

So, about a year and a half ago, when I was finally ready to actively go out into the dating world again with my full suit of armor, I was on the defense. I was hesitant, scared, and downright suspicious of all these “new men” I was meeting. What were their intentions? Were they out to hurt me? Would I ever find true love again, or would I be forced to keep going on these endless dates, until eternity?

I still don’t know the answers, but lately, I have begun to enjoy the process of figuring out the questions. Lately, I have told myself to stop over-analyzing everything, and start to be in the moment of each date. Stop being overly-suspicious, and instead, be openly-cautious and aware. Stop making judgments about men too early on, assuming that they aren’t right for me, or that this one can’t possibly understand where I’m coming from in life. I have tried to dial back my instinct to be impatient, and turn up the volume on enjoying the new-ness of a first date. Sure, things have certainly changed a whole lot in the world of dating these days, but the special-ness of that very first date is still there, if you want it to be. I should know. I have been on a LOT of first dates over the past couple years, an I have collected a lot of special memories and moments. There is something about a first date, that has a sense of magic. Here are 5 reasons why:

THAT NERVOUS FEELING:

It is 2 hours before the big date, and you are getting ready in your bedroom. You have put on nail polish and even toenail polish, for the first time in ages. You keep changing your mind between the white blouse and flattering jeans, or the bright blue more casual but fun shirt, with leggings. How casual is too casual? What If I’m overdressed? Do these shoes look okay? Do guys even look at shoes? I hope not, because I haven’t bought new ones in ages. You give your eye makeup that extra something to make your lashes stand out. You re-apply your lipstick, and your peppermint body spritzer. You anxiously drive yourself to the restaurant or pub or coffee shop or meeting location, getting there nice and early so you can control getting that first glance at him in person, before he sees you. These kind of nerves are probably even more intense these days, if you are on the dating sites, like I am.

In the old days, before the internet, you would most likely meet someone through friends or at school or work. If you were a man, you would maybe see a girl you liked, and ask her out in person. In today’s world, the online dating scene takes place in steps. For me, when a guy sends me that first message of interest, I go take a look at his online profile page to determine if I might be interested. If I am, I reply, and the conversation exchange begins. This usually goes on for a few days on the site, and then we exchange numbers. Then the texting begins. Then the phone calls, to hear each other’s voices. By the time my new guy and I meet in person, usually its at least a couple weeks or longer that we have been communicating. There is a lot of build-up. Will he look like his pictures? Will there be chemistry in person? How will I know if it’s going well? Will he kiss me? Will I want him to? These are all things you get nervous about, and those nerves give you adrenaline in the hours and minutes leading up to the date.

Your palms are sweating. Your heart is racing. That nervous feeling is everywhere inside you, and its a good thing. It makes you feel alive.

THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE:

First dates are an adventure. You never quite know what to expect. Now, this is not always a positive thing. Sometimes these surprises can be not what you had hoped or planned on. Such as: “Surprise! I look nothing at all like my pictures, and I’m clearly at least 20 years older than I said I was!” Or “Surprise! Hope you brought your wallet, because Im not paying for your dinner today!” Or “Surprise! Remember how I told you I was divorced? Yeah, well, not so much. More like seperated. But not officially. Yet. So basically I’m married. You cool with that?”

In the beginning, these types of surprises used to anger me and upset me greatly. Over time, however, I have learned not to take things like this personally, and I’ve also learned how to spot men like this much earlier than the first date, so as to avoid this from happening completely. Also, these types of surprises are definitely not the norm for my first dates. Sure, these things have happened, but only a small handful of times.

The element of surprise that I’m talking about on a first date, lies in the very fact that you don’t know this person, and they don’t know you. Yet. You are getting to know each other, and doing that flirty thing, and figuring them out, a little bit at a time. And that can be quite fun, especially once you let go of expectations about someone, and just stay in the moment of whats happening. One date I had surprised me by taking me to a gorgeous park with an outdoor ampi-theatre that sat on a lake. He took my hand and led me down the woods trail, and sat us in the pavilion, where we shared kisses and cuddling time. Another first date and I went for ice-cream, followed by stopping by an arcade to play video games, which was a total blast. I have been surprised also from many of my dates, by their life background, and some of their past jobs and experiences. One guy told me of his days working as a bouncer in a strip club. Another had a great story of meeting a stripper (unbeknownst to him) on a dating site. (lots of these stories involve strippers apparently.) I was surprised to find out that another one of my dates lived at home with his mother, but not for the reasons you might think. It was his home, and he took his elderly mother in, because his dad had died years ago, and she had Alzheimers. He didn’t want to see her living alone, and he didn’t want to put her in a nursing home, so he takes care of her. Another date used to be involved in the mafia/mob world, although he made it a point to tell me that “we don’t call it that.” The element of surprise is fun on a date with a new person, because you don’t really know whats going to happen. And that can be really exciting.

GETTING TO KNOW SOMEONE NEW:

When I first starting dating, I was annoyed that I had to keep getting to know new people, over and over again. I was annoyed at having to explain my own story, to multiple new people. It felt repetitive and robotic. Lately though, something in me has shifted, and I have started to enjoy hearing about other people’s lives. I have started to enjoy the process of getting to know someone, little by little. How does he listen? What are his interests? His little quirks? What does he like to eat? What are his views on politics and religion? How does he treat people? I like to sort of sit back and watch it all unfold. It used to irritate me that I had already done that with my late husband – I already told him all my stuff, and I didn’t feel like doing that all over again with someone new. But now I focus more on their stuff, and getting to know them, and their world. And its fascinating (not always – theres lots of boring people out there) finding out things about someone. When you open your mind to someone’s world, they will open their world to you. And getting lost in that, can be loads of fun.

CHIVALRY IS NOT DEAD (REALLY!):

My late husband was a gentleman. He always opened the car door for me, paid for everything when we would go out, and generally always made me feel like I was 100% safe while in his presence. He was always protecting me from any harm, while still being fully aware and proud that I am a modern, smart, independent woman. So, when I entered the dating world, this was something that I very much wanted in a new relationship. A man who knows how to treat a lady like a lady, but who also recognizes her independence and doesn’t see himself as superior to her in any way. Now, one of the great things about modern dating is that, on the dating sites, you can lay out everything you want and desire in a person, right there on your profile page. It doesn’t mean you are going to GET all of those things, but it does up the chances that a man who reads your profile and then contacts you with interest, will most likely BE some of the things you are seeking after. So, in my case, I have met quite a few men that have proven themselves to be true gentlemen, some being more “old school” than others. One man I met and knew for awhile, not only held the car door open for me, but also came around from the drivers side to walk over, and help me out of the car by offering his hand. And not only would he NEVER allow a lady to pay the bill, I couldn’t even SEE the bill. He wouldn’t let me look at it, because that is how he was raised by his dad. Another first date showed up with one single red rose, and led me around the neighborhood for the afternoon, putting his hand out anytime there was a curb or pothole in the street for me to watch out for. Two first dates came to my house to pick me up, came inside, and met my parents. One man took me for dinner at a really nice restaurant, and expressed his annoyance at a younger man sitting at a nearby table, wearing his baseball hat while inside the restaurant. “That’s so disrespectful”, he said, and it really bothered him. When I used the restroom, I found him standing just outside of it, holding my jacket out, to help me into it before we left. Another first date showed up at my home with a potted plant of Easter lilies, and addressed my parents as Ma’am and Sir. On my most recent first date, we met at a local bakery, and when I arrived, he was already at the table. When I entered the restaurant, he stood for me, pulled out my chair, and got me seated. On the table, he had pre-set a potted plant/flowers, and a cupcake box with my favorite vanilla cupcake, written in icing “Hello. Now, that is classy. Now, I have met MANY guys in my time of dating, that were not gentleman, and did not act this way. But, I will say, I have been surprised, in the best of ways, at how many men out there ARE chivalrous and gentlemanly. I think its a really wonderful thing that there are parents out there, that have raised their boys to respect and honor women, and to treat them both like ladies, and like equals.

THAT FIRST KISS:

For me, the best part of a first date, is that first kiss. I used to say that I can’t wait to have my last, first kiss – because that will mean I have found love again. And while that is still true, over time, I have come to appreciate and even look forward to, experiencing first kisses with a whole LOT of first dates. Now, everyone is different, but I am not the kind of girl that will go very far physically on a first date. However, I AM the kind of girl who, if the chemistry is there and it feels right, will do a good amount of kissing on a first date. I love kissing, and over this past year and a half or so, I have kissed quite a few guys. There are a lot of great kissers out there. Some are good, some are great, and others are off-the-charts, weak in the knees amazing. One first date I had recently, I found him arrogant and cocky and a bit self-absorbed, but he was probably one of the best kissers I’ve ever experienced, ever. We must have sat in his car for an hour, just kissing each other. Sometimes they get that first kiss out of the way upfront. Other times, its more unexpected, while standing outside of his truck, and he tells you straight up: “I really want to kiss you. Close your eyes.” Other times, you find yourself asking bravely out of nowhere: “So, are you gonna kiss me or what?” That first kiss is filled with so much intensity, passion, and anxiousness. It just feels so wonderful and perfect, feeling someone else’s lips touching yours, and lingering there. And people have such different kissing techniques. I think I might keep going on first dates, just so I can keep kissing different guys. There is so much possibility in that first kiss.

So while I’m waiting on love to come my way, I have come to really appreciate the truly special gifts, that come from a first date. Love is a beautiful thing, and I want that more than ever. But, I’m not sure if I’m ready to give up on all of the unique things that can only happen, on a first date. There is only one first date with the same person, but there are MANY first dates, on the road to finding that person. Right now, I’m enjoying that ride.

Dating Deal Breaker: Animal Abuse

June 13, 2017January 22, 2024 by RJ Newellin RELATIONSHIPS

I found myself analyzing how my ex-partners had treated their pets.

Deal breakers. Most of us can think of at least one or two things that could immediately change the way we feel about our partners. Cheating, for me, is a deal breaker. Physical violence is also a deal breaker. Robbing a daycare is definitely a deal breaker for me, but that’s a story for another day. Point is – most of us have them. But some deal breakers may not be immediately clear, or even what you’d think to look out for.

Here’s one red flag you should consider: How does your partner treat their pets?

Michael* was a dreamy dude. He had all the qualities I thought I wanted at the time: good looks, a great job, big dreams, and a stellar sense of adventure. He was the kind of man I imagined would help an old woman cross the street, or return a lost wallet. It felt right to imagine him saving kittens from trees. He was just that kind of guy!

I was in for a nasty surprise.

After a few formal dates, Michael invited me over for a casual evening of movies and food – two out of three of my favorite things! Imagine how excited I was when I found that he also had my third favorite thing…a tiny little dog named Dino.

After my first introduction with Dino, Michael promptly put him in his crate. It was late at night, so I figured that yes, Dino slept in his crate. But less than five minutes into Netflix and Chill, Dino started to whimper. Then Michael began to yell.

“Shut UP!” he screamed at the trembling dog. This was no exaggeration – he truly screamed as if the house were on fire. But there was no fire, only a tiny, fearful dog. Dino obeyed his commands for a few moments…during which Michael told me (with a smile) that “Dino does this all the time.”

I was already uncomfortable, but tried to shrug it off. Perhaps Michael was having a bad day? I tried hard just to stare at the movie, to get through this evening, until…

“I’m gonna kill him, I swear,” Michael growled. He paused the movie and stood up. At that point, Dino looked like he was having a panic attack. A tiny, trembling panic attack. Michael walked over and kicked Dino’s crate so hard that it moved. The dog’s face bounced backward from the impact on metal.

“Michael!” I gasped. “Why did you do that?” He shrugged and resumed watching the movie. I sat as far away from him on the couch as I could. I couldn’t concentrate on the drama onscreen when there was clearly too much in the room. It wasn’t long before Dino was crying again, and I winced at every whine.

I watched Michael walk over again, open the crate, and grab the dog’s face with clenched fingers.

“I’d smack you to the moon, if the lady wasn’t here,” he threatened, with a disturbingly flirty side-eye toward me. There went my fantasy of Michael as an old lady helper and kitten-saver. This guy was a monster.

From across the room, I stared into Dino’s watery eyes and saw a future in them. A future I’d do anything to avoid.

According to the Domestic Violence Roundtable and the Animal Defense Fund, there is a strong link between animal abuse and domestic violence. Upon entering shelters, many victims of domestic abuse report that their abuser has brought physical harm to family pets as well as their partners and children. A third of victims also report that their children have harmed animals too, as a way to win approval from the abuser and/or avoid violence toward themselves. Animal cruelty investigations often lead to (and go hand in hand with) long-term domestic violence.

Animal abusers harm animals as a way to impose control over others. Perhaps Dino was Michael’s way of expressing his need to dominate at all costs, and the impact of seeing his actions on me led to feelings of fear, isolation and responsibility. After less than an hour at Michael’s house, I feared that the dog would suffer more if I broke up with him.

To say Michael’s animal abuse was a “dealbreaker” might be an understatement. That incident unraveled everything I thought about the people I dated. I found myself analyzing how my ex-partners had treated their pets. At the beginning of every first date from then on, I made sure to bring pets into the conversation. I would never again date someone who mistreated animals.

Animal abuse is abuse, end of story. And if you find yourself in this situation, there are things you can do.

Put your own safety first. If you fear violence from a partner or family member, call your local or national domestic abuse help line immediately (find your local help line here). This first part is important. You won’t be able to help the animal(s) if your life and well-being are at risk. Once you’re certain that you’re safe, move on to number 2:
If you suspect an animal is in danger, call your local shelter, veterinarian or law enforcement. Animal cruelty is a crime. The end.
If you are able to remove the animal from the situation, arrange a temporary living arrangement with a friend, family member or animal rescue. You’re not alone in wanting to help.

Animal abuse is one of those major red flags that you might not find until well after the first date. Luckily, there’s some new legislation (gaining buzz across the United States) aiming to legalize Animal Abuse Registries. In the way that you might find convicted US sex offenders on your local database, animal abusers may soon join the list. According to Shared.com, “Tennessee is the only state [so far] to have an animal offenders registry, but other cities like New York and Cook County, Illinois have them at a local level.” (Link) If you’d like similar laws passed in your area, contact your elected officials and let them know!

What do you think about animal abuse as a deal breaker? Share your thoughts with us, below.

*Certain names have been changed for anonymity and legal purposes.

10 Reasons Why Dating Is So Complicated Now

June 20, 2017January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin LOVE

When we were younger, romantic relationships seemed so much simpler. If we liked someone, we told them — and if they felt the same, we got together. These days, things are endlessly more complicated and frustrating, and dating as a millennial is seriously f*cked up.

1. We ghost as a way to end things.

If we’re no longer interested in someone, we don’t need to tell them — we simply stop responding. If someone did this to us in real life, it would be completely psychotic, but because it’s over text or an instant message, we’ve somehow resigned ourselves to thinking it’s OK. Newsflash: it’s totally not. Even in the golden ages, the “Dear John” letter was left on the table in the foyer, but now, we’re lucky if you even get a typed string of characters saying “I’m sorry, it’s not working.”

2. We’re hyper-focused on sex.

Sex is scarily available — we can have it simply with the swipe of a finger. There’s zero effort made into getting to know someone for who they truly are unless we’re willing to undress and show the most sacred parts of ourselves first. And most of the time, sex doesn’t lead to a relationship — it leads to heartache, confusion and another one-night stand with the next person.

3. We’re in a competition of who can care the least.

Showing actual emotions is heavily frowned upon. If we show our cards and act like we’re interested, it leaves the person we’re affectionate about turned off and running in the opposite direction instead of being flattered that we actually give a sh*t about them. There’s little gratitude for honest and happy emotions.

4. We’re too strategic about our responses.

Responding right away comes across as desperate and too available. It’s amazing how millennials view the luxury of having instant access to communication as something we need to treat as if we’re still using carrier pigeons. Instant messaging is just that — it’s f*cking instant — but we still withhold our response times to try and show just how busy, important, and unattached we are. What backward and bullsh*t logic.

5. We expect a perfection that doesn’t exist.

Social media and thousands of dating profiles shoved in our faces lead us to believe we’re entitled a fairy tale life that doesn’t truly exist. We write people off for a minor detail and quickly look for the next best thing that we’ll somehow also find flaws in. Nothing is ever good enough for millennials. We fail to realize that relationships are a balanced bond and that with the amazing things come imperfections as well.

6. We’re overloaded with options.

We don’t believe we need to settle on anything because there’s always someone better looking with a better family life, better hobbies or someone with a better bank account. We move from person to person and even if we land on someone that makes us feel great and we could totally devote ourselves to in a relationship, we’re never quite willing to give up the search. The never-ending journey becomes more exhilarating than the actual prize itself.

7. We’ve become content with being alone.

While we’ve been navigating the journey to find love, we’ve consequently committed our lives to ourselves and made them into something that’s happy and rewarding without someone to love, which means it’s that much harder to invite a relationship into our lives. We’re fine on our own, so we won’t leave our comfort zones for anyone. Sometimes we even find minor and trivial reasons not to because we’re secretly happy with things just the way they are.

8. We’re always stuck in a grey area.

Almost relationships and no strings attached sex are the millennial versions of commitment. We’re left constantly wondering where relationships are headed, if anywhere, and plague ourselves with wondering if we’re wasting our time. No one is clear about their intentions, some lie about their intentions entirely just to have their ego’s stroked for a while, and basically no one has any clue what the f*ck is going on.

9. We don’t feel accountable for the pain we inflict on to others.

When we’ve hurt someone’s feelings, we don’t feel even the slightest bit inclined to apologize or to make good on our wrongs. It’s not our problem — it’s theirs. A person’s emotions, even if caused by something we did or said, is up to them to resolve. We feel entitled to walk around acting like complete d*cks with the expectation that the way it’s received is a reflection of the person we dump our sh*t on and nothing to do with the fact that we were the cruel ones.

**10. We’re all jaded as f*ck.**

Trust is severely lacking in our dating culture. We’re in the thick of a hookup culture that values sex more than love, temporary fulfillment instead of life-long commitment and lazy ass communication that often gets lost in translation. We’re all so confused by our own pasts, and with heaps of more sh*t constantly being added to the pile, we’re all becoming more and more jaded than ever before. We don’t even trust that love exists anymore because all we’re constantly met with disappointment. Dating as a millennial is like being in an apocalypse of love — and it’s pretty f*cked up.

Curated by Peggy
Original Article

5 Love Lessons I Learned While Driving for Lyft

July 13, 2017January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Buckle in for some magical ride oversharing.

Like a lot of LA denizens, I write and act and also drive passengers for Lyft rideshare. I meet all kinds of people with all kinds of love lives, which many times they tell me about. Here’s a selection of lessons I have learned from my passengers.

The Ride With The Puppy

Dude gets in the car holding a pink box and a puppy, but looking sad.

Me: Oh wow! A box of donuts and a puppy! Are you gonna make someone’s morning or what?
Sad dude: well, I wanted to, but she threw the donuts back in my face.
Me: oh.
Sad dude: and the puppy. She also threw the puppy in my face.
Me: I’m sorry, man.
Puppy whines slightly.

Lesson: Sometimes even donuts and a puppy won’t save you. If that’s the case, either it’s too far gone or you’re just not a good match. You’ve tried the nuclear option and it’s time to move on, but do raise that puppy.

The Ride With Nicole

Picked up a drunk couple from a bar, they were on a Lyft Line so I headed to pick up the next person.

Girl: You’re going the wrong way.
Me: Oh, we’re gonna go pick up Nicole real quick!
Girl: Who is Nicole?
Guy: Oh, honey, I did Lyft Line.
Girl: What’s Lyft Line?
Guy: It’s like Uber Pool.
Me: Save a couple bucks, reduce traffic!
Girl: You cheap F**K.
Guy: Hon, are you really mad? We’re not in a hurry…

A few moments pass, she seems to forget about it, we talk about other stuff.
Girl: Why are you going east?
Me: We’re…gonna pick up Nicole real quick?
Girl: Who the f**k is Nicole?
Me: She’s… The next rider on the Lyft line?
Girl: What’s Lyft Line? She sounds, sorry to say this, like a c*nt.
Guy: Um… don’t say c*nt?
Girl: And you can ignore him. He’s never even been in a three-way. I’ve been in like 30.
Me: That sounds like a real calling!
Girl: Plus, he’s the only dude I’ve dated who hasn’t wanted to move in after six months! What the f**k is that?
Guy: Uh.
Me: (Trying to lighten the mood) Well, I’ve dated guys for six months before I put their names in my phone!
Girl: WHAT are you SAYING I want to GET OUT.
Me: Oh, here’s Nicole!
Girl: Hi Nicole, where are you going?
Nicole: To No Vacancy!
Girl: Oh cool that’s a cool place to go to get f**ked by a 27-year-old white guy with no job
Nicole: OK?
Me: Ok, you guys are almost to your destination!
Girl: I don’t wanna go to his house. Can you drop me at my house (gives address)
Me: Well… I can’t actually change destination on Lyft line, because, you know, we have to head near where Nicole is going.
Girl: You cheap f**k!
Me: (Last attempt at humor)No fighting in the cab!
Girl: I don’t want to go to his house EVER AGAIN!
Guy: (whispering) are you serious right now?
Girl: AND NICOLE THERE’S BAR LUBITSCH IT’S A GREAT PLACE TO GET F**KED BY A RUSSIAN DUDE.
Nicole: I don’t think I’m looking for that.
Me: (silence)
Me: (screeching brakes) OK here you are! Thanks so much!
(They get out, fighting because she wants to break up with him)
Nicole: What was that
Me: Sorry, I know!

Lesson: If you’re a nice guy and she walks all over you, she’s not worth being with. If she loves you, she’s gotta love your spend thrift ways!

The Ride With The Lyft Valentine

My first ride of the day was a lady who grumbled a little when I told her happy Valentine’s day.

Lady: Sheesh. Not for me. I just broke up with my dude of three years.
Me: That sucks, man. I’m sorry.
Lady: Yeah, my girlfriend banged him, so they both suck.
Me: They do, they suck. That sucks.
Lady: And the incredible thing is, this is her second time pulling this shit! Like, there are so many dudes, why can’t she stop screwing my dudes?
Me: You still kept being her friend after the first time?
Lady: Yeah, well, she said she was sorry and that she wouldn’t do it again.

Lesson: If your girlfriend bangs your boyfriend once, it could be an accident. Twice, it’s a hobby.

The Ride With The Late Night Romancers

I picked up a cute, fairly drunk guy at 2 a.m. in downtown Pasadena, and he gave me an address. We picked up a cute, fairly drunk girl and the magic began.

Guy: Let’s go to [name of bar].
Me: Uh, I think they’re closed, it’s 2 a.m.
Guy: I think it’s open?
Girl: I just think I’m a… real easy going person.
Guy: I know, I know. I try to live in the moment.
Girl: You just… have to.
Me: Guys, this bar is closed.
Guy: (to me) Oh! Let’s go to [restaurant]. Have you ever had a conversation this amazing happen in your cab before?
Me: (dryly) Sure.
Girl: You just came up to me and asked me to dance, and I couldn’t turn you down!
Me: OK, I’m sorry to say this restaurant is also closed.
Girl: I don’t even need to eat. I’m good.
Guy: OK, we’ll just go to In-N-Out and get a shake.
Girl: It’s like, you just… you took down all my roadblocks.
Guy: I know, I know. You told me.
Girl: All my defenses, just gone.

We get to In-N-Out. It is also closed.
Girl: OK, I guess… Take me back to my place?
Me: OK.
Guy: Naw, we can get out here.
Girl: Oh… OK?
Guy: My house is right over there. We can hang for a little while and get another car later.
Me: OK, here we are then.
Guy: Isn’t she just so cute?
Me: Yup. Here we are!
Girl: I just can’t believe how strong we vibe on each other.

(Moments pass. They’re just sitting in my car talking)
Me: You guys… Can you go fall in love in someone else’s Lyft?
(I find this hilarious. Nobody thinks it’s as funny as I do.)

Lesson: If dude was in love with you, why is he hitting you up after the bars close? You’re a late night hook up, girl.

The Ride With The Family Man

I pick up a dude who is holding a Starbucks coffee and a phone and looks shell-shocked. He gets into my car and says, “man, you’re gonna hear a conversation that’s kind of intense but I have to have it right now.”

Me: No problem!

Dude: (on phone) Hey, baby, it’s me! You’re pregnant?! I’m so stoked! I mean it, I want to have a baby with you! You didn’t want to tell me? Come on, I’m your man! I’m your DUDE, I’m WITH you! Do you wanna get married, I mean, what’s your mama gonna say? Are you excited? Are you scared? Baby, I love you. I want to get married. I want to have a baby with you. I mean, I’m 40, what the fuck else am I gonna do? I mean it. I love you. I’m coming over. Yeah, I’m in a Lyft. Yeah, my driver is getting an earful. Yeah, it’s magic and it’s real and I can’t wait! I’ll see you soon!

Me: Wow, congratulations man!

Dude: God, I can’t believe it, but man, we were just at my friend’s house and he has this two year old girl and she’s so perfect and we were saying, man, he’s doing it, we can do this, and then she finds out she’s pregnant a week later, I mean, it’s magic time, man!

Me: How long have you guys been dating?

Dude: Six months, but I know, I KNOW this is my lady. But she’s a passionate lady, and we were together this afternoon but she flipped out on me and left, and now I know it’s because she was scared to have this talk. She just found out this morning.

Me: And when did you find out?

Dude: (Crying) She texted me that she was pregnant, and then I called you. I found out literally a minute before you got there.

Me: You can do this, man. This is sometimes how babies come. You can do it. (Also crying)

Dude: Yeah, I mean, I always wanted to be a dad and now we’re gonna do it! I’m scared shitless but I know we’re gonna be great!

Me: Good luck. Be good. Here’s some tissues.

Dude: Five starrrrrs!

Lesson: Sometimes amazing things happen by accident. If you’re with the right person, look in your heart and see if you’re ready to roll with it.

Ready for a real path to dating success? Explore our expert-driven Love Essentials classes.

Vegan: An Expert Guide to Plant-Based Dating

August 21, 2017January 22, 2024 by Maya Gottfriedin Body, DATING ADVICE, Wellness

If you’ve avoided dating a vegan because you’re worried that they are high maintenance, fear no more.

Are you afraid of vegans? Suspicious? In other words, do you see them as somehow different than you in a way that makes you nervous about vegan dating altogether? Well, you’re right that a vegan is in some ways different than you, a non-vegan.

Before fear overcomes you, let me reassure you that vegans, in many ways, are just like you. In all likelihood you love animals, so do vegans. You also probably love food, so do vegans.

The main difference between you and the vegan you might date is that they have decided to make a conscious effort not to hurt animals, or perhaps boost their health (a whole foods, plant-based diet has been proven to be ideal for good health), or help the planet (animal agriculture has a disastrous impact on the environment) by cutting animal products out of their diet and lifestyle.

That’s not so bad, is it?

Ask out that vegan

A vegan has the strong potential to offer some very attractive qualities. The fact that they are vegan means that they walk the walk (and don’t just talk the talk).

If they are an ethical vegan (vegan in the interest in reducing animals’ suffering), then you know that they are not only standing up for what they believe in, but that they are opposed to cruelty.

Probably the most attractive trait of a vegan is that they are living the love that is in their heart by acting on their love for animals, love for themselves, and love for the planet. And relationships are all about love, right?

Plan a great vegan date

So what happens when you’re going out on a date with a vegan and you start shaking in your leather boots because you’re nervous about being criticized, saying something wrong, or how you will break it to your parents that your someday fiancé won’t eat their Thanksgiving meal?

First, don’t be nervous. They’ve already said they will go out with you, so they have indicated that they accept how you eat. Give them a chance to say yes to you before you convince yourself they will reject you. You can worry about Thanksgiving later.

You’ll want to pick a place to meet that works for both you and your date. Your vegan isn’t only a vegan, they are a whole person with a spectrum of interests. Maybe they also enjoy botanical gardens, or seeing bands perform, or that French film that’s playing in the cute movie house downtown.

When it comes to restaurants, or cafés, or other food-oriented outings, a vegan will generally appreciate your thoughtfulness if you suggest a plant-based establishment. However, there are also frequently vegan options at non-vegan restaurants. There’s a good chance you’ll still be able to go to your favorite place, even if it isn’t vegan.

This could also be a fantastic opportunity for you to try a new cuisine. Your date will likely be in the know about the best vegan restaurants, and you could follow their guidance to delicious gourmet plant-based food unlike any you’ve tasted before.

Although your vegan date may seem a bit alien to you for their lifestyle choices, remember that they’re a human, like you. Vegans aren’t only interested in vegan things. We have all different topics we can talk about.

You should feel free to speak to your vegan about topics that interest you, but you’ll want to avoid interrogating them about their veganism, just as you wouldn’t want to be challenged about your own eating habits by a new potential love.

Also, you may want to avoid sensitive subject matter such as: 1) Your love of hunting, 2) Your last fishing trip, and 3) Your passion for eating bacon.

Get to know your vegan

Though incessant prodding about one’s veganism is not fun on a date, as a vegan I can tell you that I always welcome the gentle asking of questions. It’s perfectly OK to be curious. Go ahead and ask your date how they came to be vegan, what they eat for breakfast, and what they wear on their feet. They will probably welcome your interest in their life.

On one of my first dates with my now-partner, Dietrich, he gently asked me why I didn’t drink milk, or eat other dairy products. I took no offense, and happily filled him in on why I had decided not to consume them, without pressuring him to change.

However, I should warn you, he has been happily vegan since that very day.

Ready for your first date with a vegan? Read on to tell if it’s going well.

Baby, It’s Cold Outside! Let’s Get Closer: Top Ways to Connect With Your Partner When the Winter Weather Outside is Frightful

December 20, 2017January 22, 2024 by Kelley Lynnin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

You know the rest of the song. “But the fire is so delightful. And as long as you love me so, let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!”

Sure, cuddling by a warm fireplace sounds all comfy and cozy during the holidays, and during the cold winter months. But what about dating tips for once Christmas and New Year’s is over? What about when it’s January, February, or the dreaded month of March, when it feels like it’s been freezing cold and snowing for 15,000 years, and the romance of the fireplace has worn off but your love hasn’t. What then?

Here are some fun and unique dating tips to stay connected to your partner, on those days and weeks when you are stuck inside. This list of fun and sometimes sexy activities will be so fun, you might be begging for more snow in April!

It’s time to have a snowman contest:

Anyone can go outside and build a snowman. Why not make it extra fun and unique? Try making it a contest, with a theme.

You have an hour to build your own snowman, and the best looking one wins. Build them side by side, and when you are finished, take a picture to post on social media. Let your friends vote on the winner, and then make a private bet for what the loser has to do to make the winner happy. Later on. In bed.

To put a twist on this, part of your contest could be a themed snowmen, such as “celebrity snowmen,” or making a Snowman that looks like your partner. This could provide plenty of laughter and lots of amazing memories for years to come.

You can create intimacy through music:

This is something that my partner and I do quite often, and each time, it is surprisingly moving, as well as an intense way for us to connect.

We choose 3 songs each (you can choose one to start, if three is too many), and we bring them to the CD player and play them for the other person.

We find songs that remind us of each other, of our love, or of something we want to express to one another in that moment. We take turns playing them for each other, with a short explanation of why we chose that particular song.

Some of them are silly, funny, romantic, or sweet. Others might be very deep, with profound lyrics that have a lot of meaning to us.

Everytime we do this, I feel like it brings us closer, and it also helps us learn a bit more about each other, through music.

You can do this in your living room, bedroom, or even in your car, while taking breaks from kissing.

Try making a sexy new recipe together:

Any couple can cook together, but when it’s as cold as a freezer outside, and your hands feel like popsicles, it might be fun to find new ways to be together in the kitchen.

If one of you is a great cook and the other isn’t, perhaps a cooking class with a favorite dish is in order. You can cook it together and then have dinner together with some romantic ambiance.

If both of you can cook, but you’re sick of eating the same meals over and over again, this is the perfect opportunity to try something new and different.. Take to the internet, look up some unique and fun recipes, and pick something special to attempt cooking together.

If it’s a hit, you’ve got a new meal to add to your repertoire. If it’s terrible, you have another great new memory together, and another reason to laugh with one another.

Watch stand-up comedy clips and laugh all night together:

Laughter is one of the absolute best ways to connect with another human being, especially someone that you love. Genuine laughter often leads to feelings of intimacy, which leads to teasing and back and forth banter with delicious flirting madness.

When my partner and I are giggling together over something silly, it almost always turns into more hugging, more kissing, and more of everything else. Trust me on this.

Being mostly homebound for weeks at a time, due to freezing cold or icy weather, can lead to a lot of movie watching. This time, forget the movies. Put your TV on YouTube, or Netflix, and finding some short comedy specials, or clips of favorite or classic stand-up comedians.

You can take turns at the remote, introducing a new comedian to your partner, or re-sharing a classic Carol Burnett sketch that maybe they haven’t seen. Going to sleep at the end of the day, after having just laughed a good amount, is a pretty great feeling.

Try to brave the cold and take a ski lesson together:

Not everyone lives near a ski slope, but if you are reading this article, you probably live in an area that has cold weather or winters. Have you ever tried skiing? It’s one big opportunity for laughter.

Skiing is fun, but it’s not easy. Taking a first-time lesson together on the beginner bunny slope with an instructor teaching you how to stand up and then move, can be fun and silly time. You can reward yourself afterwards with some hot cocoa and brownies or cookies back at home.

Another option is to find a local skating rink or hockey game. Any kind of one-time class can be a fun adventure to do together, and another way to stay clear of doing “the same old things.”

If you can’t go outside, try something new in the bedroom:

What better time to spice up your love life, than when you are stuck inside together during cold winter months? Having a lot of intimate time is a wonderful thing, but sometimes it can become repetitive.

A cold winter’s day is a perfect time to sit down with your partner, and each of you can share a fantasy you might like to try. Or, if you are too shy to tell each other, write down ten fantasy scenarios, put them in a bowl and pick one out. You can write two or three that are “real” fantasies and and the others can be fakes.

You can take turns reading them out loud, and try guessing which ones are the actual fantasies your partner wrote down. The next step is making them happen!

This can be another super fun way to get close again, turn each other on, and to keep discovering new things to love about your partner.

It’s certainly cold out there, but, baby, we’ve got a lot that we can dodo!!!

For more articles about dating tips check out, 15 Sexy Holiday Dates to Get You in the Mood This Festive Season or 10 Signs Of A Healthy Relationship According To Experts.

Everything I Learned About Having A Successful ‘Friends With Benefits’ Relationship From My Mistakes

December 29, 2017January 22, 2024 by Becca Martinin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Not everyone is cut out for a friends with benefits relationship, and here’s why…

Having a ‘Friends With Benefits’ relationship sounds great from the start but having sex without any strings attached is never as easy as it sounds, at least not for me.

The first time I tried to have a FWB relationship I was young. I was also very naive. I had no idea who I was, what I wanted or how to stand up for myself. All I did know was that I really, really liked the dude and he didn’t reciprocate those feelings but I thought, ‘hey, he liked me enough to hook up with me and if I hook up with him then at least I’d get to spend time with him. Which is the worst possible mindset to have.

For years (yes, years) I hooked up with him, hoping that someday it would turn into more. I wished that one day he’d realize he needed me in his life in other ways. But, no surprise there, that never happened, even after all those years. I held onto false hopes of words I dissected that he let slip out while we were in bed.

It never turned into more. I was disappointed for years but I kept doing it because I didn’t respect myself enough to walk away. I wanted to stay because for the hour or so we’d spend together it would seem worth it at the time.

After all I put myself through with him, I still didn’t learn.

I thought I could be the girl who could just sleep with men and not get attached. I convinced myself that I didn’t need a relationship or another heartbreak. So I tried again.

I pretended to be the ‘cool girl’ that doesn’t actually exist. I tried to convince myself and everyone else that I didn’t care that I wouldn’t go over to Tom’s until at 11 P.M. and leave early in the morning because when the sun came up we didn’t have anything to talk about. I liked to pretend it didn’t hurt.

I told myself I didn’t care that Josh only called when he was drunk and didn’t want to go home alone. I told myself that I was fine, that I could just sleep with these dudes and that nothing would hurt me because I didn’t want to be the “crazy” girl who needed commitment and want someone to actually stick around in the morning.

But I was. I’ve always been that girl and there’s nothing wrong with that. You don’t have to be a FWB person, because most people aren’t cut out for it, myself included and that’s okay.

I learned that you should never – under any circumstances – start a FWB relationship with someone you have feelings for, even if they’re just ‘crush-status’ feelings. They’re still feelings and the more time you spend with this person, especially in bed, will cause those feelings to grow immensely and that will only lead to you getting hurt.

Something I convinced myself of a lot was that if the guy spent more time with me that maybe I could convince him to like me and want more, but the thing is you can’t convince people to like you and you shouldn’t have to.

Sex won’t make someone stay or love you.

Another thing I learned about FWB is that sex won’t make him stay. He will come, have sex with you and he will still leave because he got what he came for. And having him stay the night with you will only make you feel a deeper connection to him. That will get you overthinking and ultimately cause more damage when things blow up because they will blow up if you’re not on the same page.

Communication is the most important thing.

You have to make sure you’re both on the same page from the start and have open communication. Sometimes it’s hard — usually it’s hard, but it’s so important. Without communication nothing works and someone is bound to get hurt.

In my experiences, I’ve always been afraid to bring up what is going on because I didn’t want to scare away the guy. I’ve always felt like guys are terrified of hearing the words, “can we talk about what’s going on here?” And that if I say those words it’s immediately over, but if you’re just sleeping together it’s important to be on the same page. It’s even important to be on the same page when you’re dating, in a relationship, and married. You have to have that open line of communication, because when you don’t things become messy.

Avoid starting a friends with benefits arrangement with someone you’re close to.

You also shouldn’t start a FWB relationship with someone who is important to you or is a big part of your life, like your roommates best friend or someone in your friend circle. If things go south it will become extremely awkward and in a way it will feel like a break up, even though you were never dating. It’s important to be mindful of who you start this relationship with.

If FWB is something you truly want, you have to keep it as focused on hooking up as possible and try to avoid keeping it personal because it’s too easy to become attached or fall for someone when you’re sleeping together and start becoming involved in their personal life. Like I said, FWB relationships aren’t for everyone, they aren’t for most people, honestly and that’s okay.

It’s important to know who you are and what you can actually handle. FWB can be fun, but you have to make sure you’re on the same page, that’s the most important part of the relationship. If you start to develop feelings you have to know it’s time to walk away before you get really attached and hurt. You can’t hold onto the hope you’ve created in your mind that things will work out and he will fall for you. When guys tell you they don’t want a relationship, they mean it and you have to listen.

FWB relationships aren’t for everyone but if you go into them with respect for each other and clear communication then they are doable.

For more ways to please women, check out 16 Women On The One Thing They Appreciate Most From A Man In Bed.