Dating Archives - Page 4 of 8 - Love TV

Signs You’re Going to Get That Second Date With Him

Will he ask you for that second date?


It was 10:30 P.M. on a Tuesday. We’d met for our first date more than an hour before, and now we found ourselves shuffling our feet beside my car, struggling to say goodbye. Instead, Andrew said, “I know it’s late and you have to go home to do work, but I’m not ready for the night to end. Do you think you could stay out for just one more drink?” And that’s when I knew we’d get to a second date, readers.

While they’re not always obvious, men do give off signs they want to see you again. Some, like my now-boyfriend, invite you to stick around, unwilling to part ways so soon. I turned to a few male friends to dish on five more.

restaurant, people, celebration and holiday concept - close up o

1. He’ll feel you out for the future. “I’ll mention an upcoming concert or event and ask if that’s something she’d be into seeing or doing,” says one guy. “I may not ask her right then and there to commit to coming, but I’m definitely planning to.” My guy agrees. “We’ll say something like, ‘we’ll have to try X, Y or Z,'” he says. “Making future plans, however loose, is a good sign.”

2. You made him laugh. “A sense of humor is so attractive, and if I spent the date smiling and laughing, I’m going to want more,” my friend says. A flowing conversation sans awkward silences, one that focused on common interests and lively debate, is also a great indicator you’re cruising toward date No. 2.

3. The time flies by. Have you ever been on a date with a guy who glanced at his watch after two hours only to have a holy crap expression cross his face? When a guy isn’t in a hurry to wrap things up—and is surprised by how time has flown with you—you’ve got him hooked.

4. He follows up within a few days. Any longer and you were likely an afterthought—unless he’s got a great, legitimate excuse. “It’s a balance, of course,” says another guy. “But a guy who’s into you isn’t going to let a week go by before contacting you.”

5. And the follow-up may not be about a seeing each other. “A guy who texts to ask you out for a drink at 10 P.M. on Friday is not actually looking for a second date—he’s looking to hook up,” says one guy. When a guy is into a girl, he says, the follow-up text or call might be about something more general, just to touch base and get to know you better.

What are some other signs a guy is going to ask you on a second date? How did you know you’d get a second date with your guy?


Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Date With a Social Network

google-plus-date-video

What would it be like if you went on a date with a social network?

That’s the question answered in this very funny video, produced by up and coming YouTube star Emma Blackery, and it turns out, Google+ would be very, very needy indeed. So, we should clarify here. In the video, Emma shows what would happen if you were on a date with a person who exhibited the stereotypical qualities of a particular social website. It’s shockingly accurate.


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Original Article

Why a Scary Date May Be the One You’re Looking For

“If she doesn’t scare the hell out of you a little, she’s not the one”


At first glance, this meme might seem to be implying that you need to only date emotionally unstable people. But if you sit with it for a moment, it takes on a whole other (and more important) layer of meaning.

As much as mainstream media would prefer you to think otherwise, the best relationships are not all sunshine and roses.

Relationships are the ultimate vehicle for self-growth… and the best kind of love that you can engage in is the confronting kind. The kind where your partner acts as a mirror to you and they lovingly help pull all of your demons out of you over time. They act as a catalyst for positive growth.

They’ll point a flashlight into every corner of your dark mental attic, and illuminate all of the things that you try to hide from the world. And they will illuminate it with love, patience, and compassion.

Just when you expect them to run away (after having found out about your deepest, darkest secrets), they’ll tell you that they love you even more now that they know more about you.

Intimacy is about truly letting someone see you. It’s also anxiety producing for the vast majority of people. Letting someone really know you, and really see you, can be terrifying. You are laying your heart in their hands and saying to them “Please be gentle with this.” And if they’re the right one for you, they will reply back (verbally or non-verbally) “I wouldn’t dream of ever being anything else to you.”

When I first started dating again after an emotionally traumatic breakup, I was hesitant to let anyone get close to me. I engaged in surface level relationships because I feared the anxiety that intimacy produced for me. Even ‘admitting’ that I’d had a difficult day was enough to make my heart race.

In my emotional closure I didn’t think I would ever be able to open up to someone ever again.

Until one fateful day when I met someone who shook up my world entirely.

Her eyes penetrated through me. There was no hiding around her. She never had to say it out loud, but I knew that she saw me.

My ego’s first self-protective instinct was to run away and revert back to my old unproductive habits. Run away before she finds out all of the messy things about your past. Push her away before she has a chance to see past your self-deceptions. Avoid any contact with her in case she might make you feel big, scary emotions again.

My ego resisted her every step of the way. I told myself she wasn’t my usual type. I tried to hide behind things like “She’s too young/inexperienced/small town/etc. for me.” But it was all bullshit. Every thought that tried to keep me away from her was just my ego’s sad excuse to stay closed down emotionally. It was a defense mechanism and I knew it.

When I really started to show up and tell her how I was feeling (namely, scared shitless to even be around her) she received it with grace and compassion. Because even before I had verbalized it, she knew. She already saw me.

As terrifying as intimacy can be, the process of holding up our demons in the light is deeply therapeutic. Shame cannot continue to exist or thrive in the loving context of a close intimate relationship.

Was I fixed forever for having her met her? No. It’s a process like everything else. I had to repeatedly breathe into the deeper layers of anxiety as I let myself be seen more and more by her.

But I’ll be eternally grateful that I did meet her. Because her scaring the hell out of me was my ticket to a positive transformation that I never could have anticipated.

So if you’re at a place in your life where you are starting to see someone who challenges you, confronts you, and scares you on some level, take stock of whether or not you think they might be a force for positive change in your life.

Don’t date someone who scares you because they are controlling, angry, violent, or abusive in any way. That’s the bad kind of fear and it’s an unhealthy relationship to engage in. But date someone who scares you because they encourage you to face all of the things you’ve tried to suppress for so long. Date someone who lovingly pushes you to become more who you are at your core as a person. Date someone who nudges you outside of your comfort zone regularly and helps you level up in life.

It might just be the best thing you ever did for yourself.


Curated by Erbe
Original Article

He Is Interested If…

Male thoughts decoded. What are the signals he is giving?


There he is, the man of your dreams. He’s sitting across from you at the coffee shop or standing at the opposite side of the bar. His eyes meet yours, a quick glance, and then it’s back to his drink. Was he giving you a signal?

It’s not easy to decipher the mind of the modern male, but learning to decode what his nonverbal communication truly means is an invaluable asset in the game of love. So in order to be sure you’re reading him right, look out for the following 10 signs.

Leaning into Love: If a guy is interested in you, you’ll find that his body will lean forward toward yours. This move can be either very subtle or extremely “in your face” (literally!). It’s his way of letting you know he’d like to get even closer. Once his interest is piqued, you’ll both find it hard to pull away!

Keeping It Even Closer: A vital aspect of the physical nature of romance is reciprocity. Translation: meeting his advances with your own. This not only signals your own interest, but also serves to keep his.

The Eyes Have It: We’ve all heard the proverb, “The eyes are the window to the soul.” If he’s interested in you, he’ll focus on you with those piercing peepers and hold it. Return his romantic gaze with a quiet smile and let him know that you are interested. He’ll be at your side in no time.

Touching Is a Good Thing: If a guy is interested in you, then he’ll want to be near you. He’ll also want to take every opportunity to touch you. Maybe it’s your arm, your leg, your knee — it doesn’t matter, as long as his presence is physical and affectionate. It’s his way of letting you know he likes you.

Funny Meeting You Here: Coincidence is out. Serendipity is in. Those so-called “happy accidents” may not be so accidental after all. Perhaps his “surprise” appearance at your favorite Starbucks or hangout is a signal that he’s trying to connect with you (but doesn’t want you to think he’s a stalker!). Take this as a positive sign and make the most of your next encounter. You may find that you share more in common than just an addiction to double lattes.

Listen Closely: How do you know that you have a guy’s attention? When he’s not talking about himself. It’s that simple. The next time you’re in a bar, listen closely to any table full of men and you will hear them speaking rapturously about their favorite subject: themselves. For a man to shut up and really listen to what you have to say, you know it must be love (or at least a strong attraction). He’ll put that male genetic ADD to rest once and for all after he’s found his Miss Right.

The Guy Who Liked Chick Flicks: Okay, we all know he’d much rather be watching the big game, but it’s an important sign if he shows an interest in the things you like as well. If he’s happy to watch a movie you picked out or doesn’t complain when it’s time to hit the mall for a little shopping trip, you’ve made a serious leap forward in the dating game! Give him extra points if he makes the popcorn.

Funny Lady: Can’t tell a joke to save your life? Does he laugh at it anyway? Men are very in touch with their sense of humor (women often complain that men never take anything seriously, right?), so if he’s sending some hearty laughter your way, it’s a good bet he’s looking at you as relationship material.

Confidence, Man: If a guy’s into you, you make him nervous. He’ll get goose bumps or a rapidly beating heart just from being around you. Look for signs like unexplained laughter, sweaty palms and fidgeting. Guys always want to be in control of their emotions — we like to be in charge. If he has trouble doing that around you, it’s most likely because you make him nervous and excited. Don’t take it for granted; help him to relax, and he’ll thank you by being a great guy you can depend on.

The Feeling Is Mutual: Men and women have very different brain chemistries: She is verbal; he is not. He is driven by visual desires, while she is guided by her deep emotions. Women are taught to rationally express their feelings and feel no shame in crying, and men punch things. Therefore, if you get a guy to actually open up and express his emotions, consider it a major achievement in your relationship. Discussing your feelings for each other is a powerful bonding experience for the two of you and serves to strengthen a relationship for whatever challenges the future may bring.


Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Millennials and Dating…Hook Up Generation Debrief

Did you hear? Dating is dead.


No, really. It’s been officially declared dead millions of times (according to Google).

And after reading some of these declarations, published in outlets like Vanity Fair and the New York Post, you might be tempted to agree.

People like to blame the demise of “real romance” on this thing called “hook-up culture” — you know, lots of sexy time with no strings attached.

There are just so many possibilities out there for instant hook-up gratification: Tinder, OKCupid, Grindr, Hinge … and probably hundreds of other sites and phone apps.

Seems like everybody’s doin’ it. So New York magazine decided to investigate. They made a video that takes a closer look at the phenomenon.

At first, it seems like it might be true: We’re getting married later, which means many of us are having more lifetime sexual partners than before.

But the folks at NYMag drilled below that trend to get down and dirty with the facts. And guess what they found? Hook-up culture — kind of a myth.

The General Social Survey (GSS) has been used since 1972 to track the experiences and attitudes of Americans every year. And based on their stats, it turns out that…

…millennials are actually less promiscuous than folks used to be.

So if the data shows that technology didn’t make us into a society full of bunny rabbits, why do people keep saying it?
Drumroll, please:

1. We tend to look at the past with rose-colored glasses.

Sort of like how every generation loves to talk about “the good old days.” (You know, when everyone only had deeply emotionally connected sexual encounters. Erm, no.) The official term for this phenomenon is “rosy retrospection.”

2. Young folks assume (incorrectly) that everyone is doing it, probably a lot more than them.

Listen, I’ve been there. Between overhearing all the late-night gossip about who’s hooking up with whom to watching “Undressed” marathons on MTV, I thought college was all sex all the time for everyone who was not me. Buying into this idea creates a vicious cycle where even more people think that everyone is hooking up, and the myth continues.

3. The people who aren’t the norm — like those outliers who have a whole lot of sex — get a lot more attention in the media.

Think about it: How boring would it be to read about Average Annie’s sex life (or lack thereof?). That wouldn’t exactly rake in the clicks. That’s why articles like the one in Vanity Fair spread so quickly: It’s more interesting to read about the Wall Street bro bragging about having four hookups in a night than the single Jersey girl swiping alone on the couch with her bunny.

Yep. Turns out that the phrase “hook-up culture” is probably getting a lot more play than millennials actually are.


Curated by Erbe
Original Article

5 Ways to Meet a New Guy During the Holidays

During the holiday season, it seems like everyone has a boyfriend — or at least a hot date. If you’re single, don’t despair. You can find a new guy during the holidays; you just need to know where to look.


Gym

Head to the gym

Park your butt on one of the more complicated machines near a cute guy, then ask him to help you use it. Head to the free weights and ask the nearest hottie if he can spot you.

Go to a sports bar

It’s football season. Head to your neighborhood sports bar on Sunday afternoon. Plenty of single guys will be available. Brush up on your football facts to have some material to start up a conversation.

Brave it alone

Next time you are invited to a holiday party or community event, don’t turn down the invitation just because you don’t have a date. Go alone and you are sure to meet a new guy in the same boat.

Attend church functions

Around the holidays, you’ll find plenty of church functions and charity events going on. Make an appearance at as many events as possible. It’s a numbers game, and maybe you’ll meet a nice guy.

Go to the mall

You have to do your Christmas shopping anyway. Scout at the men’s section of department stores and look for single guys. If a hottie catches your eye, ask his opinion on a sweater or shirt for your brother or dad.


Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Saying ‘No’ to a Date

From the up-front “No thanks” to the “long, slow good-bye.”


Dating is hard! Awkward! Weird! But the only thing harder, more awkward, and weirder than dating (which, okay, can also be fun and pleasant and great-ish, occasionally), is actually saying no to a date. The cripplingly cringe-y factor of having to do the “I’m just not that into you” dance is the worst.

Here, nine women share their strategies for how they turn down a date—or just avoid it, depending on the style (and level of cowardice) of each particular lady.

Rachel, 28

“I am very blunt when I’m not interested. I don’t have to do that very often, though, because I’m also very blunt when I don’t want to give someone my number. So if you’re texting me in the first place, I’m probably going to say yes. If it’s any date other than the first one, I will say no and tell them why, in the way that I’d want to be told—I’m not feeling it going anywhere but thanks for your time, etc. The reason I give is true about 70 percent of the time; the only ones I lie to are the really nice ones where there was just no chemistry, because men never believe there was no chemistry if they were attracted to you. To them I say, ‘Hey, so, I really enjoyed getting to meet you, but things have gotten a bit more serious with someone else I was seeing and I’m going to see where that goes. Best of luck,’ and they are always great about it. Most of them are just like, ‘Cool, text me if it doesn’t work out.’ And that one actually works BETTER if you’ve been dodging dates/texts for a week and feeling like a dick about it, because it has a built-in explanation for your flakiness. Highly recommend, though effects on karma remain unknown.”

Sarah, 28

“During my tenure on the NYC dating scene I practiced the “long, slow good-bye” with reckless abandon. If you’re not familiar, a “long, slow good-bye” is a strategically and subtly reduced frequency of contact. (Example: He texts, you respond one day later. He responds, you respond two days later. He texts, you respond four full days later…I usually double the amount of time I wait with each response, but you can use any time frame you deem appropriate for your predisposed texting cadence.) I do realize that this technique is far from unique or unorthodox—in fact, it’s probably the most selfish easiest way to dump someone. Irrespective of my favor toward the “long, slow good-bye” method, I probably wouldn’t recommend it to anyone new to the dumping scene. My reasoning is equally as selfish as the method itself: The “long, slow good-bye” is followed by an ominous feeling of guilt and self-contempt if you have even a morsel of a conscience. Additionally, your formerly blissful nights spent at Dorrian’s and Bounce will be forever marred by hauntingly inevitable run-ins with past dumpees. I can tell you that this is an experience about as pleasant as a root canal and provides an ABRUPT reminder that time does not heal all wounds. The fling you ‘long slow good-bye-d’ when you were 24 will still loathe you when you’re 35.”

Rebecca, 34

“One time on a bus a guy asked me for my number, and instead of being honest I gave him a fake one. Because Murphy’s Law is real, the man dialed it in front of me then proceeded to shame me in front of my fellow passengers. Since then I made two promises to myself: 1. That I would always be kind but honest if asked out—usually a, ‘No thank you’ is enough—and 2. That I would never blame it on having a partner, because I should be allowed to just not like someone and not feel bad about it.”

Gillian, 23

“I don’t like to condone lying, BUT I lie constantly when it comes to dating and/or getting out of dating. I have a really nasty habit (working on it) of bailing on a date hours before it’s supposed to happen, usually with the old, ‘Oh shit, I’m sorry, my boss just told me I have to work late. So mad! Rain check?’ but that is my tamest lie. I’ve pulled the ‘family emergency out of town’ far too many times, and my real low point was when I told a guy that my sister was in the hospital when she is perfectly healthy. To be fair, I usually pull this crap with Tinder dates and I’m much nicer with actual prospects, set-ups, and people I’ve actually met IRL. But yes, I am rude and terrible, and I’m sure my karma is so stacked against me at this point that I will be single for life.”

Lauren, 28

“When a guy asks me on a date over text I pull the awkward, ‘Suuuure, let’s find a dayyyy,’ and then am vague, noncommittal, and generally annoying until we can both agree that life is SO crazy right now and…*FADED* because I’m nonconfrontational and don’t know how to be a real person. I recognize that I’m the worst and it’s so rude—and personally, I’d much rather have someone just be straightforward with me and tell me he just doesn’t want to see me anymore, but….”

Rowena, 28

“If it’s only been two or three dates (I try to give everyone a second chance unless they’re truly terrible), I usually just say I’m really busy and ghost. If it’s been more than that, though, I’ll be honest and say I don’t think it’s the right thing for me.”

Kim, 26

“When someone asks me out and I don’t want to go with them, it’s not that hard to make my scheduling sound so impossible that I can’t ever see them! This happens a lot. And then when they still persist, like asking for coffee or something, I tell them I don’t drink coffee and that’s not even a lie! I’m a huge bitch and that is why I am single.”

Monica, 28

“I am SPINELESS when it comes to turning down guys. To the point where, when one guy asked me out on a second date that I was not interested in going on, I typed out a very nice ‘You’re great, but I don’t think we’re right for each other’ text message to reply with and then proceeded to continually stare at it but not actually send the thing—until finally too much time passed and I had just ghosted on him by default. I’m totally guilty of just fading out/not replying in lieu of saying no. Part of it is wanting to avoid confrontation, for sure, and feeling guilty about being mean, but I also feel like I suck at dating/meeting people and therefore give myself a hard time for wanting to shoot down an interested party, however politely. So instead of saying no, I usually just say nothing.”

Charlize, 30

“When a guy asks me out on a date in person and I want to decline, I usually say that I’m in a relationship. Sometimes this is a lie and sometimes it is true. I just think there’s no constructive aspect to being honest about why you’re saying no in the initial encounter ifthey’ve approached you in the right (respectful) way. That shit takes balls on their part. However, given the gift of the scenario in which some asshole tries to do it, I relish in every opportunity for the public takedown. Then comes the all-too-familiar scenario of meeting someone—whether it’s over the Internet or in person—and being initially attracted enough to exchange numbers, then being turned off for whatever (read: any) reason. When the making IRL plans topic is broached, I initially put it off. ‘I’m going away this weekend, but let’s talk next week’ works 75 percent of the time in getting rid of human people and 100 percent of the time in getting rid of Internet people. Guys will drop anything if it becomes too hard, in New York especially, no matter how attractive it initially was. I usually save the ‘I don’t think this is a match’ for someone suggesting a second date after an unenjoyable first. In rare occasions I’ve given that halfway through a first, but only when it was really painful or offensive.”


Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Stigma-Smigma… Why STD Specific Dating Sites Are Really Popular

DATING can be difficult enough, but what about if you have a sexually transmitted infection?


Online dating has grown massively over the past few years and there’s a niche site to cater to pretty much every kinky fantasy under the sun.

But there’s a little-known sector that’s secretly thriving – dating sites for people with STDs.

Believe it or not the market is so popular that there’s tonnes of different sites out there. From STD Friends to Herpes Passions and HIV Mingle, there’s a whole host of websites for people with sexually transmitted infections looking for love.

Many have tongue-in-cheek taglines such as: “Stay positive! Find love, support and happiness” or “A seriously cool place to make friends with something in common”.

The most well-known of the sites is Positive Singles, which boasts that it’s the largest dating site and app for those with herpes, HPV, HIV, AIDs and Hepatitis.

It has the ease of Tinder, which is no doubt how it’s racked up more than 818,000 members across the world since its launch in 2001.

A recent survey revealed that most of it’s users are in their twenties and thirties.

Meanwhile, the site Date Positive lets users search for a partner according to which infection they have. Typically it’s free to join but members can pay to unlock advanced features.

Sexpert Brigitte Bard, founder of Sexual Health Revolution, Last Taboo and CEO of BioSure UK, said: “I believe websites which match people who are open about their STI status serve a really good purpose.

“They make people feel comfortable and safe when re-entering the dating scene. People I’ve spoken to say they provide hope for the future.

“For example, we must remember HIV is only three letters, not a sentence; so there is a whole life after diagnosis, even children.”

Unsurprisingly, the growth of STI-specific dating outlets goes hand-in-hand with the rising number of people getting diagnosed.

According to the American Sexual Health Association, more than half of all people will have an STD in their lifetime while the World Health Organisation says that roughly one million people catch an STI every day across the world.

In fact, herpes is one of the most common diseases in the world and it’s highly likely that you have it and don’t even realise.

A massive two thirds of the world’s population – more than 3.7billion people – under the age of 50 have herpes simplex virus type 1 (HSV-1).

The virus, also known as oral herpes, usually causes cold sores around the mouth.

But another 417 million people aged between 15 and 49 have the second type (HSV-2) which is best known as genital herpes.

And 90% of those who have the infection aren’t aware of it because it isn’t really screened for during general sexual health check-ups.

So it means you have to take it on yourself to make sure you get the all-clear.

Brigitte said: “If you think you have an STI, the most important thing is to get tested so you can get treated.

“This protects your own health and stops you passing the infection on to anyone else. The sooner treatment starts, the better the outcomes.

“You can get tested at any local sexual health clinic, some GP surgeries also offer testing services or alternatively if you can’t get to a clinic there are many self tests available now – but make sure they are CE marked so you know your result is accurate.”

If you’re still worried about your sexual health but don’t know who to talk to, here’s all of your most embarrassing questions answered.


Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Ask Him Out! Here’s How.

The tables have turned. Women are in charge, there are now even dating apps that immediately put the ball in our court to open the conversation with a man of interest. So why not do it on the street?


I was 24 years old. One morning, I went to breakfast with a friend. I noticed a man with olive skin, and slightly longer hair that took my breath away. My friend said that I should say something, but I was too timid. I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t eat anything; there was just something about this guy. My friend finally decided that she was going to say something. She walked over to his table and told him that her friend was interested in him. He asked “What friend?” She turned around and I had jumped the fence of the restaurant and was hiding in a clothing store next door. “Uh, she was just here, anyway, here’s her number…”

He called. We arranged to meet that night. He ended up coming to a Comedy Show I was performing at. He joined to grab a bite with all the comics afterwards and ended up picking up the entire bill. Thus began the passionate affair with a serious gentleman that lasted for the next three years. (I know this would be better if I said “ …and now we’ve been married for x years,” but it was a significant relationship and an experience that I learned a lot from.) He totally Pretty Woman’d me (except I wasn’t a prostitute, just a young, nerdy kid). Regardless, the relationship helped me bloom into the woman I am today.

That is an example of what can happen when you say something (albeit it, my friend spoke on my behalf). This was in 2006, it is now 2015, and fewer and fewer men have the gumption to approach a woman in public. The tables have turned. Women are in charge, there are now even dating apps that immediately put the ball in our court to open the conversation with a man of interest. So why not do it on the street?

How many times do you see someone in public that you find cute but are too shy to do anything about it? The next time you are on the elevator with someone that peaks your interest, or see someone at a coffee shop, just walk up to the guy and introduce yourself. What do you have to lose? It’s so easy to hide behind your computer screen or be glued to your phone that you could in fact miss an opportunity right in front of your face. Look up folks! There are men everywhere; who says we can’t speak to them? I know, it might seem super creepy and weird at first, but it’s actually not that bad. Turns out, guys are really easy to approach. THEY LOVE WOMEN and don’t mind talking to us!

I have since been helping friends have the confidence to approach men and have two relationships under my belt. Most guys think it’s sexy and a turn-on, very few feel “intimidated” by it and come on, who wants a guy that feels intimidated by a woman anyway? Confidence is always attractive regardless of gender. It shows that you aren’t afraid of failure, and that is a great quality to have in life.

How about you? Do you make the first move?

Dating When You Have Children–10 Do’s and Don’ts

Re-entering the dating pool after a relationship break up is not always easy, we are often emotionally bruised and battered, it is hard to trust again when you have lost faith in someone you once loved.


Nonetheless hope does spring eternal, man is a pair-bonding animal ……..   yada, yada, yada! ……..

Doing this with a child or two (or more!) in tow is even more fraught, both emotionally and parentally. I’ve been there – twice! Once with a 3 year-old and a six-year-old, and a second time when they were young teenagers.

After discussing the subject with all sorts of single parents, male and female, I have developed a list of do’s and do nots, from their experiences and my own.

1. Take it slowly, you may be delighted that you can feel something again, and excited to step out and have fun. You are most likely out of practice, try going out with a friend and exposing yourself to the new dating scene. In fact take it slowly all around, many counsellors suggest not dating for a full year after your separation/divorce or death of a spouse.

2. Date away from your own house; do not expose the children, no matter what their age, to a parade of one-night stands. (This should be obvious, but I’ve seen it done!) They will be confused, it sets a bad example, and they will lose respect for you in the process.

3. Make sure that the relationship is a “keeper” before even mentioning the new person to the kids. Either date on nights when they are at the other parent’s house, or get a sitter, and say you are meeting a new friend, which is true!

4. If you are fortunate and find a relationship which starts to develop into something serious, talk to the kids about what is happening, they are probably still hurt and confused, and no matter what needs you may have, theirs come first!

5. Introduce the new person as just a friend, keep it light and casual. Before you get too deep into the relationship watch how your date interacts with your kids. Trust your instincts, if something seems “off”, listen to it, and try to find out what is causing you discomfort. My “research subjects” told me that they had ignored this at their peril. Some said that years down the road they discovered that a seeming insignificant behaviour that they had noticed and discounted, became one of the reasons the relationship eventually failed.

6. When you have decided that this is a relationship you want to maintain, introduce the topic to the child(ren), but test the waters as you go, and keep it fairly casual. Perhaps go on a day-time date away from the house, and do something the younger generation would enjoy. If the other person has kids you might want to take both sets of kids to a museum, or amusement park as a first exposure. Tailor the activity to the kids’ ages, see how everyone interacts, and no PDA’s!

7. Never leave your children with a new date until the relationship is firmly established, and you would trust this person with your most precious possessions. Do not expect this new person in your life to be a baby-sitter, no matter how much they seem to get along with your kids. You are their parent and they are you’re This was mentioned many times by the guys especially, but unless it is an emergency don’t fall into the trap. Apart from the obvious danger of leaving your kid(s) with a relative stranger, it is an imposition unless it’s a mature relationship.

8. As in Rule number one, no sleepovers when the kids are around. This can be a problem, especially if your former spouse has already gone that route. It’s tough, but if you break up, even after months of dating you run the risk of inadvertently falling into rule #1 territory. In addition the kids may have developed some attachment to your new friend, and will be hurt if they suddenly disappear

9. Listen to your children, no matter how young they are. I cannot emphasise this too much. All my subject matter experts were clear. Verbal and non-verbal cues are there if you listen to them. I don’t want to scare anyone, but more than one parent has come to regret not listening to their kids, and having something awful happen.

10. Make sure from the beginning that your new other half understands that you are a package deal. If the relationship become serious this may be your baby’s new Step-parent. Make sure they know that you will probably always put your kid’s needs before the adult’s needs. This is tough for any new romance, but particularly if they have never had kids. You know the old adage, Love me – love my dog? Well this goes triple for kids. If you suspect that your new love (or their child) resents your children – RUN! This is almost always a recipe for disaster. It may be painful at the time, but you will be saving everyone a bucketful of pain down the road.

Of course you may have wonderful luck, and find your new “happily ever after”; you become just like the Brady Bunch, and everyone loves each other. Most people are great human beings, but we all come with baggage, and second marriages have a MUCH higher incidence of divorce than first ones. Our children are precious to us, and even though a parent should not become a recluse, and should expect to have a life of their own, if the kids aren’t happy – NO-ONE is happy!

Date with your kids in mind.

What Does Your Credit Score Say About Your LOVE Life?

Over at the U.S. central bank, the jury’s still out on whether inflation’s set to trend back toward policymakers’ 2 percent target.


But a new working paper published at the Federal Reserve Board draws some conclusions that might help prevent your heart from deflating.

Let’s just say you’ll never look at “credit unions” the same way again.

Economists Jane Dokko, Geng Li, and Jessica Hayes presented their findings about the role that credit scores have in predicting the stability and potential longevity of a relationship that’s starting to get serious.

The trio scoured quarterly data from the Federal Reserve Bank of New York’s Consumer Credit Panel, based on information provided by Equifax that includes a “risk score” similar to the more commonly known FICO measure of an individual’s probability of failing to meet their credit obligations in the not-too-distant future. Because personal identifiers are stripped from the data by Equifax prior to delivery, the researchers are agnostic as to whether the couples they identify are married or merely cohabiting.

“In light of the growing prominence of credit scores in households’ economic and financial opportunities, we are interested in their role in household formation and dissolution,” they write, noting that their analysis centers on the initial match in credit scores and quality at the time a committed relationship begins.

The start of a committed relationship is marked by the quarter in which two individuals who did not share an address begin to do so, and, for the purposes of this study, requires that they live together for a minimum of one year. Other filters are applied to the data in an attempt to minimize false positives.

Here’s a summary of their findings:

People with higher credit scores are more likely to be in a committed relationship and stay together
People tend to form relationships with others who have a similar credit score as them
The strength of the match, both in the headline credit score and its details, is predictive of whether or not a couple is more likely to break up for observable reasons pertaining to finance and household spending; and
Credit scores are indicative of trustworthiness in general, and couples with a mismatch in credit scores are more likely to see their relationships end for reasons not directly related to their use of credit.
Those are some pretty bold conclusions to draw. But the proof, the economists say, is in the numbers — and, although correlation doesn’t equal causation, in some instances their results also have both practical and intuitive underpinnings.

Controlling for other factors, individuals whose credit scores are one standard deviation above the mean are 14 percent more likely to enter into a committed relationship over the next year than average, according to the economists. In other words, if you’ve had trouble meeting your financial obligations, your wherewithal to stay current with someone else’s life is also probably suspect.

The results indicate that these partnerships are more likely to endure.

“Among the relationships that survive the first two years, a one standard deviation increase in the initial average credit score implies a 37 percent lower chance of separation during the third and the fourth years of the relationship,” wrote the economists.

Major imbalances between people in committed relationships — when one person is considerably more physically appealing than the other or earns significantly more — tend to be a potential source of conflict that bubbles not too far below the surface. And a wide gap in credit scores between people in a committed relationship is just another manifestation of such a powder keg.

“[T]he initial score differentials are strongly predictive of the stability of the relationship,” reads the report. “The odds ratios show that, for example, a one standard deviation increase of initial score differential (66 score points) implies a 24 percent higher likelihood of separation during the second year and during the third or fourth year, and 12 percent higher during the fifth or the sixth year.”

Moreover, the similarities between individuals when it comes to the components that go into generating a credit score (negative events, usage of lines of credit, length of credit history) also have “a statistically and economically significant bearing with the likelihood of separation in the third or fourth year,” the researchers wrote.

Credit scores, the economists reason, have a real impact on how financially intertwined two individuals will become.

Couples that have similar credit histories are more likely to take on joint ownership of a mortgage, the researchers discovered. Taking on this burden together could therefore be perceived as a pair of financial handcuffs, or something that raises the transaction cost in the event of a breakup.

On the other hand, a chasm between credit scores suggests that a couple’s access to financing, or good terms on those funds, could be impeded and blamed upon one individual. That’s a recipe for tension.

The probability of an adverse credit event is also something that increases as the credit score differential between partners widens. According to the report, “a one standard deviation increase of the initial credit score differential is associated with a 19 percent higher chance of filing for bankruptcy during the first two years of the relationship, while the odds are 10 and 15 percent higher for foreclosures and having more of derogatory records, respectively.”

The findings on the strength of partnerships with similar credit scores also speaks to the phenomenon known as assortative matching; the notion that, in relationships, “opposites attract” does not always apply.

This is true in the animal kingdom, often for practical purposes: Individuals within a species and of a similar size find the copulating process easier. For homo sapiens, this can also hold for nonphysical attributes, like religious affiliation, level of education, or, apparently, credit scores.

In a sense, this revelation also serves to amplify the tragedy of Romeo and Juliet. The star-crossed lovers came from “two households alike in dignity” — and, presumably, creditworthiness, making their compatibility self-evident. Default, to adapt a line from another of the Bard’s plays, was not in their stars.

But there is also a residual correlation between credit score differentials and conscious uncouplings — that is, the two tend to trend together for factors beyond the aforementioned observable financial channels.

This leads the economists to hypothesize that there is something about credit scores that is indicative of an individual’s “underlying trustworthiness,” and that such a trait is essential for a healthy relationship.

By introducing a pair of equations to this effect, they manage to strip out any remaining vestige of romance from human relationships:

We begin with setting forth the following stylized, conceptual framework

Pr(default) = f(trustworthiness) + η,

and

credit score = g(Pr(default)) + µ

In sum, the equations contend that an individual’s “underlying trustworthiness” — however subjective that term may be — is positively correlated with his or her credit score.

The researchers note that credit reporting agencies and lenders used to collect color on a person’s reliability and moral character, and these survey-based assessments of trustworthiness and credit scores also tend to have a large amount of overlap.

As such, the economists find support for the notion that “credit scores matter for committed relationships because they reveal information about general trustworthiness.”

So the next time your significant other asks, “What’s your number?” you might want to make sure you’re on the same wavelength before answering.


Curated by Timothy
Source: bloomberg.com

5 Special Tips to Create a Meaningful Valentine’s

For couples this can be a relationship-defining holiday. 


I’ve spent more Valentine’s days painfully single than I’d like to admit. When you’re single, it’s easy to get distracted by all the flowers and candy you’re not getting.  The holiday is about celebrating love not candy hearts and having someone to share a meal with.  When I have had a Valentine I’ve been sure to make it special because we’re celebrating intimacy and romance. They’re more important than wasting time and money going through the motions. Here are a few ways to make your Valentine’s Day extra special:

  • Get an Original Gift – Valentine’s Day isn’t exactly Christmas. But for new couples it can be a relationship-defining holiday. For longtime couples, it can be a chance to reaffirm your connection. Why not show your love by showing your partner exactly how much you know about them? Does your partner like art? You can get them art supplies or a book of paintings by their favorite artist. How about sports? Get them a small piece of swag with their favorite sports team. Does your partner collect anything, have a unique hobby, or is a hardcore fan of something? You’ve got your gift idea right there. The old adage is it’s the thought that counts. A little thoughtfulness and effort can go a long way in getting the perfect gift. Intimate doesn’t always mean sexual. I’ve found my best luck getting gifts that truly represent the person they’re for.
  • Happy With Handmade – Establishing you have the same values is an important part of a long lasting relationship. Does your partner actually like a big spectacle? You could just as easily invest time and effort rather than cold hard cash. A really great mix-tape can show your partner your favorite music and songs you think are romantic. Bare in mind this mixed tape might look more like a CD or a playlist on a mp3 player or iPod. You could give your partner an hour-long massage with oil and candlelight. This has served me in having a really special evening. There’s also something to be said for making them a unique piece of jewelry, painting, or even a love poem. Just make sure you’re doing it inspired by your love and not by the prospect of saving a few bucks. I like to make handmade cards and share how I’m feeling. It’s a way more valuable keepsake than a store bought card.
  • Sexy Gifts – Tis the season for some sex toys. There are rarely gift-giving occasions where toys or lingerie are appropriate. But Valentine’s is that day. You may not be married but you can still invest in marital aids. Sex is a very important part of any relationship. But, these should be gifts that your partner wants not something that you’ve been dying to try. Either way, Valentine’s is a great time to invest in that special toy or outfit you’ve had your eyes on. We all strive for sex to happen on Valentine’s Day. A little spice can go a long way.
  • Plan an Outing – It’s easy to get sucked into the con of spending twice as much on a prix fix menu to eat at a restaurant you wouldn’t choose otherwise. Why not try a trip to a museum, a well-planned hike turned picnic, or even a weekend away. Hotel prices may be at their peak but a well-timed surprise weekend can be transformative both for your relationship and day-to-day life.  My friend won major points a couple of Valentine’s ago by surprising his lady with a trip to San Francisco. It was a pretty major coup for him in their relationship.
  • Collaborate – A surprise can be a really great part of any gift. But this holiday is about celebrating your relationship. Why not show your couple pride by collaborating? Talk to your partner and get a feel for what they want. Talk about ideas and plan your special day together. After all there are two parts to any couple and both should get to enjoy the day. It may be the luxury of being queer but I find that it’s best when my guy and I discuss our plans for the holiday. It’s not fair to put all your expectations on the holiday on one person, regardless of their gender. A relationship is rarely one-sided so why should a holiday about relationships be?

Valentine’s Day is a simple holiday but when you’re in a relationship it does take on a whole new meaning. I know I’ve spent many of them alone so I know my partner may need a little extra special attention. But there are also some people who are super low maintenance and may not want to make a big fuss. The trick to making the most of the holiday is to show your partner you really care. Buck the system of expectations and an overreliance on pink hearts and remind yourself to celebrate your partner. The most important tip to surviving Valentine’s Day is to show you know your partner and honor their feelings. Have a very Happy Valentine’s Day!

The First 12 Minutes —Do’s & Don’ts When Meeting Someone New

Countdown to LOVE: A new survey reveals that it takes just 12 minutes to discover whether or not you like someone.


Body odour was found to be the most off-putting characteristic for six in ten hopeful singles (59 per cent), followed by bad breath (53 per cent).

Meanwhile, four in ten of us (38 per cent) get turned off if their date starts swearing – and it appears we start judging people even before we meet face-to-face.

One in 20 singles (6 per cent) research their date online by viewing their social media pages on Facebook and Twitter.

A quarter (25 per cent) of people will also make drastic changes to their appearance so they impress a potential partner on a big date with a new haircut, new perfume or a manicure being cited as the most popular options for women.

You’re being judged! Singletons will be immediately judged on their smile, whether they make eye contact and their tone of voice, while swearing, bad breathe and body odor are big turn-offs.

Meanwhile one in 20 men (5 per cent) will grow designer stubble to impress on the day.

One in sixteen women (6 per cent) and one in 20 men (5 per cent) go on a diet in the lead up to a first date.

Making a good impression: A quarter of people will also make drastic changes to their appearance so they impress a potential partner on a big date

And it appears almost twice as many men are more forgiving and will offer their date a second chance after a bad first encounter.

Psychologist Donna Dawson said: ‘It is the little things you can do that will mean a lot and will put you ahead in the dating game.

‘For example, good hygiene and fresh breath reveal self-respect and consideration for others.

“Wearing clothes which make you feel both smart and comfortable will help you to relax, which in turn provides the confidence to create a great first impression.

‘Eye contact conveys sincerity and trustworthiness, and shows you are interested in the other person.

‘Human beings are programmed to return a smile so smiling, even when you are nervous, will get you and your first date off to a good start.’

A spokesperson from AXA, who commissioned the research, added: ‘That initial step in a relationship can be a nervous experience, but an important one.

‘You need to think about the little things that will mean a lot on that first date; it appears first impressions are formed very quickly!’


Curated by Erbe
Original Article

The Married Millennial – Are We Too Young?

A mistake is only a failure if you don’t learn from it. Marriage and divorce shouldn’t be any different.


I got married at 21. By today’s standards, that makes me a unicorn.

When I show up with a new tattoo, nobody bats an eye. But the second I say I’m married? I might as well have joined a cult.

“How old are you, again?” my yoga teacher asked.

I answered honestly. “I’m 21.”

Her face must have gone through fifty shades of pity. “Are you sure?”

In our early twenties, we are expected to make adult decisions. Finishing college, choosing our careers, voting in elections – these are not tasks for children. As an adult, I’m allowed to make choices for myself. I’m allowed to make mistakes.

If we can smoke cigarettes in our twenties (risking cancer), own a credit card (and a lifetime of student loan debt), or joining the military (at 18, mind you) – why is marriage such a scary concept to us?

Traditional marriage goes against what many of us have come to know.

How long have you been together? Because when I was in my twenties…”

This is a trick question. It doesn’t matter how long we have been together – her mind is made up that I am too young. Her conclusion is probably drawn from her own experiences at 21 – and that’s not a bad thing.

A year before, I would have agreed with her. I’ve had every reason to not believe in marriage. My experiences with long-term relationships began much younger than most, and nearly all of them ended in heartbreak. I know what it’s like to think you’ll spend forever with someone, only to leave – or be left. My own parents divorced. My friends’ parents divorced. I’ve been to more divorce dinners than actual weddings…and that’s because I don’t like weddings.

Before my husband came along, I swore off the possibility of long-term relationships completely. Monogamy was a lie. Marriage was an outdated system. Why would a strong, career-minded feminist like myself willingly give herself legally to another person?

I argued this point whenever marriage was mentioned. I questioning my friends’ life choices and cut my own relationships short when things got too serious. I was content to spend the rest of my life as a happily single woman. Now, here I am, with a ring on my finger.

Is it scary? Yes. Do I question my decision? No.

A mistake is only a failure if you don’t learn from it. Marriage and divorce shouldn’t be any different. I can’t predict the next ten, twenty, thirty years. But no matter how my life turns out, I will be grateful for having shared it with him.

Nobody can predict the future, and that’s what makes marriage so huge.

I know a couple that dated for ten years before getting married. They divorced after one year. I also know a couple that got married six months after they met. They’ve been married for thirty years, and counting.

There is no guarantee that any relationship will survive. Our generation has been raised to value reward over risk. We want results, now. To many of us, marriage just sounds like a really expensive mistake. It’s easier to live together and have children together, without the hassle of expensive paperwork.

“Why invest in a marriage when you can have all the perks without it?” asked basically everyone.

As soon as our engagement announcement went live on social media, my inbox overflowed with congratulations…and concern.

“Have you been with him long enough to be sure?”

“Does this mean you giving up your career?”

“Are you pregnant?”

“I know it’s not my business, but…”

Sixty years ago, getting married in your twenties was totally normal. But then again, more of us had stable jobs in those days. People weren’t as afraid of the future then as we are now.

Nobody knows where – or who – we’ll be in five, ten, or twenty years. For many, this is why being “tied down” to any one person is terrifying. But for some, this is all the more reason to commit to something – or someone.

We’ve now been married for one year. So far, so good. We know that marriage is hard work. And it’s more than likely that we won’t be the same people in ten years. That’s not a bad thing. It means we’re growing – and hopefully, we’ll grow together.

Maybe you are also in your twenties, and you were hoping this article might help you decide whether to get married or not. My question for you, is – why?

Do your life choices reflect what you want, or what other people want? This applies to everything, not just marriage. Self-sabotage occurs by comparing ourselves to others and waiting for outer validation.

When my lover got down on one knee, he didn’t say, “Hey, friends and family, should she marry me?”

And I didn’t say, “Hold on a second,” and then get out my phone to Google national divorce statistics.

He simply asked, “Will you marry me?”

And I said, “Yes.”

Marriage is a choice between two people, to be made every day for the rest of life. I feel ready, but that doesn’t mean you have to. Love is all that matters. Embrace the way it lives for you.


Are we TOO young?

How to Navigate the Grace Period

Whether you’re hazy about commitment, new to a relationship, or playing the field it’s best to approach this grace period with honesty and mutual respect.


Dating is like buying a house. It may not be a particularly romantic metaphor, but they weren’t lying when they said, “Home is where your heart is.” Real relationships require work and commitment just like purchasing a new home. Before you move into a new house there is an escrow period. Why should your relationship be any different? There is a grace period after you met someone you really like and before you’ve decided to purchase a one-way ferry ticket to Monogamy Island? But how do you navigate this period? How do you talk about the rather tense subject of potentially sleeping with other people? And how do you ultimately know when you’re ready to commit?

Courtship has changed over the past 50 years. There was a simpler time when people got married as virgins, chaperones accompanied people on dates, and doctors endorsed cigarettes. But our sexually liberated times have given rise to people taking control over their sexual wants and needs. That’s great, but that can leave a lot of people with a murky understanding of what’s “normal” in dating. You probably don’t tell someone you’ve just met you’ve been casually seeing a few guys. You probably don’t want to spend your fourth date talking about Julia, your friend with benefits. You may not even want to mention them until you’ve dissolved your benefits agreement. But it’s important to find a balance between honesty and consideration for your and your partner’s feelings.

I personally have been on the receiving end of many an awkward conversation with guys I’ve really liked. “Sorry, I’ve been dating a couple of people and it’s really working out with someone else.” It’s like a gunshot wound to the chest. Here you are picking out china patterns and not only are you no longer in the running for America’s Next Top Partner your “relationship” was a figment of your imagination. That’s a tough, dry pill to swallow but it is a harsh reality for the new arena of dating in a post-Tinder, post-Sex and the City, pre-Apocalypse dating world. People will be dating, sleeping with, and talking to other people and you will need to find a way to navigate that space.

Whether you’re hazy about commitment, new to a relationship, or playing the field it’s best to approach this grace period with honesty and mutual respect. Let’s say you’ve met someone you really like and things are going really well. After a few dates you will want to check in on how you both are feeling. It doesn’t need to be a grandiose conversation about commitment. You will want to clear up if you are casually dating or seriously seeing each other. You may want to ask if they are seeing other people and disclose if you are. It’s also a good time to calmly tease your feelings on monogamy. It will be unclear until you mention it. Finding out your shiny new dance partner is dating a few other people can be a huge shock. So why not temper the surprise by being as honest as you can as early as you can? I have found it’s best to be honest because then you and your partner can approach your relationship as it is rather than how you both want it to be.

As your relationship progresses you’ll want to have periodic check-ins to be clear about how you are both seeing your future together. Do you want to be in a committed relationship, would you prefer a throuple, are you interested in open relationships? These are important conversations you will want to organically come to. You don’t need to push them, force them, or turn them into a huge confrontation. But it’s good to clear the air. Your best bet is a calm, casual four sentence conversation. You ask a question, they answer, you accept what they say, and you move on. This will avoid any needless escalation or discomfort. In my experience it’s good to ask and be as open and diplomatic as possible. If you feel the situation starting to escalate try to just reiterate your commitment and excitement about the relationship. That way you don’t let fear or insecurity needlessly escalate the situation.

Handling these conversations can be tough. It’s easy for these honest moments to unearth a lot of baggage. The key is to be honest, open-minded and respectful. If your partner tells you they have opposing political views you wouldn’t immediately break up so why should you do that if you have different views on sex, relationships and boundaries. Sometimes the biggest hurdle to establishing healthy and happy relationships is our own personal idealized version of a relationship. That great person you are spending time with is a full-fledged human being so entertain their individual beliefs, opinions and experiences. If you have a calm conversation you can understand how the other person sees your relationship and how they see you. Now this doesn’t guarantee a marriage proposal or that you will not break up. But it does guarantee that you’re on an even playing field and having a healthy conversation. It also ensures you are entering into a relationship with the healthiest perspective you can.

There is no right or wrong way to date. There are billions of people on the planet and there’s someone out there for everyone. But you can never go wrong with establishing honest conversations with people you sleep with and date. If you are honest and open during this grace period it will help you establish healthy patterns and develop organic intimacy as your authentic self. That’s better than implying monogamy if you’re not ready or dating a few people. It also allows you to see how well you can communicate, empathize, and handle tense conversations. Even if it doesn’t go well you’ve worked on the key skills to a healthy long-term relationship for next time. Once you’ve done that you’re in a better position to make it work or attract your right match.