Dating Archives - Page 4 of 11 - Love TV

Tag: Dating

How to be Physically Intimate without Having Sex

by zfortadminin Mind, Sex

We love rethinking foreplay and building intimacy!

It is understood that sex between two people is the most intimate activity there is. This is because sex is an event where the reproductive parts of the persons involved meet and experience very ecstatic feelings and emotions. They cannot be translated into words or expressed in any way, shape, or form other than saying that they are sexual pleasures. All men and women from the beginning of their teenage years start having these urges to explore their sexuality in a lot ways.

Sex happens to be the most extreme and the most pleasurable one for everyone. As such doing it brings a lot of satisfaction and enjoyment to people. However sex is also very overrated and there are a lot many perfectly happy couple in the world without having had sex at all. It can be hard to understand this is if you have never been in a relationship without sex; however it is very true.

When it comes to physical intimacy, people get very confused because for most, sex is intimate. Yes, this is true, and while sex is intimate, people must also know and remember that there are a lot of levels of physical intimacy in a relationship. The most basic one being holding hands. This is also an act of physical intimacy, and while some may regard it as futile, silly, and childish, it is in fact frowned upon in a lot of cultures around the world.

Anyhow, one need not have sex to achieve physical intimacy in a relationship. Sex is a quite a big deal for people, especially girls and if they are not ready then forcing them into it is a very shameful act on your part. As such respect their decisions and choices. In turn, explore and find other ways to be physically intimate with your partners. There are four

Experiencing First Base

If it is your first date, then it is time for observing the color of her eyes and perhaps the way she smiles. It is not the time for picturing her body naked. As for the girl, it is important to notice how the guy behaves generally and not if he is demanding in bed. If you two cannot find a level of compatibility with each other right at the beginning then it is futile wondering anything else. As such the first base is when you meet and hug each other for the first time.

Or even if you are meeting after a two-month vacation, and you have missed each other so much that you just keep on hugging for 5 minutes. This is intimacy at its best. This is the moment where you simply love the presence of each other in your lives and not sex. This is how you can avoid sex, by understanding the value of the other person in your life.

In addition to that kissing is the main part of the first base. It is when you two kiss so passionately that nothing else seems to matter. Your kisses are just so passionate that you feel like wanting to hold time still in order to be able to preserve this moment as it is. Hugging, holding hands, and kissing each other are the main parts of first base.

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The Reality of Dating a Celebrity

by Lorraine Rockin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

When I was twenty, I moved to Montreal from the UK. I had grown up in London, and was used to a big city. Montreal was relatively small in comparison, and though I loved its cosmopolitan atmosphere, I found it slow-paced. I soon found that my accent and my fashion sense proved to be quite a draw for the opposite sex.

In my first year in North America I dated a lot, and found that boys were quite different on this side of “The Pond.” In some ways they were less sophisticated, less polite and pushier. It was understood by the boys that sex was a part of dating after about the third date. Since it wasn’t understood by me, my relationships tended to be short-lived.

One evening, I went to a club where the cousin of a co-worker was playing. He was a minor celebrity, having appeared on a popular TV program, and was considered a rising star. I had grown up around stage people in London (my mother was a dancer and my grandmother a pianist, so our house was always full of performers.)  We were introduced to “The Star” and I reacted as though I was just meeting a regular person, since in my family celebrities are treated as normal people with interesting jobs. The Star – let’s call him Guy – was not used to being treated this way, most girls gushed a bit when they met him. He was good-looking, talented and well-known, so he expected to be treated as someone special. My reaction was unexpected and he was intrigued.

Over the next couple of weeks, we went to see his show quite regularly, and Guy and I started dating. This is when I began my personal chapter of dating a celebrity and learning the many pitfalls.

Pitfall One: Fans

First of all there are the Fans, they interrupt wherever you are, and expect to be greeted as friends. Guy was a flirt, and liked to encourage his fans to keep being friendly, so I learned to expect him to interact with them. In fact he would often pretend that I was just a friend, so he didn’t turn them off. That was the second thing I learned, girlfriends of celebrities have to share.

Pitfall Two: On the Road

Then of course, there is the fact that he is here today, on the road tomorrow; and when he is on the road, he is single. Tours can last for six months, so get used to having a life apart from his. There is a reason why celebrity marriages don’t last; even though I would travel to visit him wherever he was playing, it was a very fragmented relationship.

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Why is Confidence so sexy?

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE

Confidence can be the sexiest accessory!

We are naturally drawn to confidence in due to biology. In the animal kingdom, animals choose a leader largely due to confidence portrayed.

 

How can animals that act on instinct decide which one of them should be the leader?

Curated by Erbe
Original Source

What I Discovered with My First Love

by Lorraine Rockin LOVE

I was in my early twenties when I found who I thought was my soul-mate. We were from similar backgrounds, both boarding school kids, classically educated, but under-qualified. He had dropped out of University and I was on a hiatus from community college. We were both the unconventional members of pretty conventional families. Jan was involved in the periphery of Music, and neither of us had a real job. Jan’s family was wealthier than mine, but I had the advantage of an English accent, and excellent table manners, which won over his mother, if not his big brother. His father was an American who had gone back to the US after a messy divorce, and was only fleetingly in his son’s life.

We met when my musician boyfriend was on tour. Jan was a friend of his, had visited him in LA, and brought back a message for me. Jan and I hit it off right away,we became so close in such a short time, that we were like brother and sister.  We were both younger siblings, and had each come from a family of divorce.

When Guy, my boyfriend, returned he moved in to my apartment and found work locally. Jan and I would go and see him play, and  to my chagrin Guy would often introduce us to “fans” as though WE were the couple! The reunion lasted six weeks, and when the relationship began to flounder, Jan was right there to offer a shoulder. When the BF moved on Jan moved in.

At first it was a fairly typical rebound relationship: Jan wanted me because I was the rock-star’s ex-girlfriend; bohemian enough to interest him, and classy enough to be comfortable in his home world. I wanted him to prove to my ex that I had moved on, that my heart wasn’t broken, and that I was still attractive. We also cared about each other, which really helped!

In most ways that counted we were compatible, sexually, intellectually and in terms of what we wanted out of life. I was the more extroverted of the two of us, but he was also very social, and our apartment was always filled with friends, we were almost never alone. It was a wonderful life, and if I ever missed my ex I pushed it down.

We both went back to school, he trained as a Recording tech, and I as a Medical tech. we found a rhythm, and we became family.

Time went by fast and suddenly it seemed I was 26, and Jan was 27. I was working in a Childrens’ hospital , dealing with life and death every day, while Jan was working in a recording studio, where getting the right microphone for the drums was his most important task. He was working mostly nights, and I worked days.

I had matured, and it seemed he hadn’t. We had been living together for 5 years, Jan wanted things to stay as they were, but  I was becoming restless, needing a change.

I felt that was no longer the same person that I once had been, and though I still liked to socialize, I no longer enjoyed  the “sex and drugs and rock’n roll” lifestyle that Jan still lived. I was moving towards my thirties, and I realized that I actually wanted marriage and a family. My biological clock was ticking, and his wasn’t.

One of the problems of having a long-term relationship  when quite young, is that we all mature at different rates. There is a reason why most couples have a younger woman/older man dynamic.  (On average, husbands are two to four years older than their wives.) Young men are reluctant to commit while still enjoying themselves; on average they delay marriage and fatherhood until later.

I had often thought that perhaps we weren’t together for the right reasons, we were friends first, lovers later, which seems ideal, but I sometimes wondered if there was a lack of passion in our gradual growth to being a pair. Had we ever really been “in love”? was that a necessary component? was ours a “marriage of convenience”? It certainly wasn’t the grand passion that my previous relationship had been.

There reached a point in my mind at which we would either break up, or marry. Then I discovered that he had a key to my best friend’s apartment and they were hooking up behind my back. I guess he had already made the decision, and forgotten to include me in it!   Diana was a tall blonde model, the complete antithesis of me – short, curvy and redheaded. (As a friend of mine remarked at the time, when your “marriage” hits a rough patch it’s not a good idea to have something that attractive in your life!).

We broke up, and Jan and my friend became engaged. They married within a year of our break up (I was not invited).

I have had many relationships since then, and though I have been married twice I have never achieved the same “soul-mate” status which Jan and I had. I regret losing him in my live even now. Perhaps it wasn’t a grand passion, but in some ways  it was something even better. Too bad we were both too young at the time to recognize it.  Though I cannot say that we have remained friends, we have been in touch over the  I have followed his career, and congratulated him when he was nominated for a Grammy. We both moved on and have done well, our lives enriched for having known each other.

Where Single Women go to find Love!

by zfortadminin LOVE

Is it time to travel out of your comfort zone to find your love?

 

Italians do it better! Or shall I say, men from a foreign country do it better, or do they?

They say Italians do everything better: style, fashion, food, art, fun and yes, SEX. We can generalize all we want, but somewhere within lies the truth. So what is their secret? Why do they do it better?

The secret ingredient is Confidence. Italian men are confident and self-assured. They dress the part, they look the part, they act the part and they also smell the part (I have to tell you, a good smelling man can flip the switch, if you know what I mean!). They walk out the door with “I am the MAN!” written on their forehead and just make it happen. Even the guys who are not as handsome carry themselves like they are God’s gift to women. Well, are they?

If you are a single woman in America and you are tired of dating American men who fall short (sorry guys, but someone has to call it like it is), you might want to open yourself up to new adventures and maybe a new kind of man. This is what many single women are doing to find Love. Men who are raised in a foreign country, whether it is Italy or not, do dating and relationships differently (you can get your proof at www.3six5dates.com and follow the dating adventures of 4 women around the world to really see the differences. One of the ladies will be joining me to do just that on my trip to Italy this June, www.AmoreRetreat.com. What will her experience be?), so let me give you the 3 main differences you might encounter when dating men from a foreign country:

Two wineglasses. Varenna town at the lake Como, Italy

1. Wine and Dine: Men all over the world wine and dine the women they go out with without any qualms about whether they are going to get some or not. It is in their blood. Most of them are raised with the notion that a woman needs to be treated right no matter what. Here is an example. When I go back to Italy no matter who I am with, whether it is a date with romantic intensions or not, the man will always offer to pay for dinner or whatever it is and they don’t even want you to offer to pay (trust me I tried and I gotten the typical “forgettaboutit” with an evil look). In America, I have had men actually ask me to split the bill, even though they are the ones who asked me out and especially when it is just a friendship meeting. No, no, no boys, where are your manners!

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Top 5 Songs to Fall in Love To

by Alexandra Norrisin LOVE

Summer, the season that gets the lion’s share of credit for getting us all some of that sweet lovin’, is upon us!  What better time to reflect on the ongoing soundtrack of our journey through great loves.

Below are my personal favorites.

Such Great Heights – Postal Service

I fell in love with my first grown-up love to this song. I was tour managing for a band and he was in advertising school and an aspiring singer-songwriter. This was one of those songs where you feel like each line relates to you. I remember once being in the tech booth during a sound check on the road and it came on over the PA system and it instantly made my insides into a pile of warm jelly.

NightCall – Kavinsky

This may seem like an odd choice to fall in love. I have been on a few dates with different men where they played the movie “Drive” for me, more on that another time. There is no denying the sexy coolness of this soundtrack. While arguably creepy, my boyfriend at the time and I delighted in calling each other up after dusk and whisper singing the lines into each other’s answering machine. It made us laugh, it brought us closer, and inevitably my childhood crush on The Gos paid off for us all and this song became thematic in our love.

Time – Jungle

My current boyfriend has struggled to find the middle part on our musical venn diagram where we meet throughout our relationship. Spotify and Pandora are both exclusively instrumental movie soundscapes for him; while I mostly like songs with words. Jungle have created some of my favourite music videos and their music transcends generations. He will often put their station on Pandora and look at me as if to suggest I should be very impressed and wooed immediately by this gesture. Admittedly, after I’ve finished laughing at him, it works. Time is possibly the most effective at cracking the shackles around my heart.

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4 ways to Navigate Your Feelings for Someone

by Robin Tranin Mind

It can feel like absolute turmoil if you don’t have the tools to know how to manage your emotions when you develop feelings for someone, from agonizing despair, to intense euphoria, and everything in between.  These are likely signs of love addiction, which can be a result of an overly romanticized social view of “romantic love” as the greatest virtue one can achieve.

If you’re one of the rare people in the world who knows exactly what to say and how to act when you develop feelings for someone, consider yourself lucky.  For the rest of us, it takes conscious effort to figure out what to do and what not to do in these situations.

Through many years of missteps and mistakes, I figured out the healthiest ways to manage the development of feelings for someone, and most of the work is internal.

Here are the steps that have worked for me:

1.  Figure out how to be happy when you’re by yourself.

If you’re able to find happiness from within, life becomes easier, but achieving this level of independence takes hard work.  I read several self-help books and made a deliberate effort to treat myself like my own best friend.

We tend to use the word “alone” when we describe being by ourselves, but using the word “alone” implies that you are not a person.  The fact is, you’re technically never alone because you’re always with yourself.  You’re the only person that you’re around all the time, so you have to figure out how to start seeing yourself as a person and learn how to love that person.  It’s an everyday struggle, but once you feel like you deserve to be treated well by yourself, a whole world of opportunities will open up for you.

In addition to that, you become more attractive to others because there isn’t as much pressure for other people to make you happy.  The foundation of most–if not all–healthy relationships begins with people that can be happy by themselves so that when they find someone they’d like to spend their time with, they do so because the other person is a complement to their lives, and not a necessity.

2.  Lower the stakes.

There’s a tendency to live inside our heads when we begin developing feelings for someone.  Maybe you begin fantasizing what your lives would be like together, or how happy this person will make you.  But once you start going down that road, you begin idealizing a person that you don’t know that well.  You haven’t lived with this person.  You don’t see this person everyday.  You haven’t witnessed this person’s undesirable qualities or bad moods.

You’ve created a person who is perfect, a standard that no human can live up to.  You’ve cast this person as a life-preserver instead of an actual flawed human being like everybody else.  This person is not a magic pill for eternal happiness.

Also, contrary to what most television shows, movies, and books will have you believe, relationships actually take hard work with years of compromise and communication.  It’s not some finish line to happiness.  Once you’ve lowered the stakes, it’ll help you gain some perspective and realize that while it would be nice to spend time with this person, it won’t be catastrophic if you don’t, because you won’t be missing out on a perfect relationship that doesn’t exist.

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Loving with a Secret

by Riley Silvermanin LOVE

When I was a teenager I was one of the legions of cliché kids who thought that our romantic futures would actually play out in the same way as they did for the likes of Lloyd Dobler, Say Anything’s amorous kickboxing enthusiast who doesn’t want to buy, sell, or process anything.  I truly believed that the right girl was out there for me and that we would meet, hit it off, be separated by some turn of events and I would win her back through the cunning use of a move similar to holding up a boombox.

There were two major obstacles and one complication stopping that from being the case. First there’s the very simple fact that most lovestruck Romeos who seem charming and delightful in film would be creepy and overbearing in real life.  Very few real Lloyd Dobler’s have had off-screen conversations between John Cusack and Cameron Crowe in order to decide the perfect song out of that jukebox, nor that same Cameron Crowe writing the woman he’s in love with.  A real life Lloyd Dobler would likely be met by his new friend the restraining order.  Second, there’s the much more pressing obstacle of the fact that unlike Lloyd Dobler, I was not a man.  The added complication: I was the only one who knew that.

There was a significant time in my life when I didn’t actually think this second obstacle would really be one.  This teenage rom com-obsessed version of myself had not fathomed that the idea of coming out could ever or would ever be a thing.  Even using the term “coming out” wasn’t something I’d let enter my thoughts.  I felt, and had convinced myself, that this tiny, inconsequential secret of mine would be one I’d live with my whole life with nary a peep.

I did come out though, at 27 years old.  I want to say it was fortunate that I was single at the time of this revelation but the fact is that I have been single for most of my adult life, with the longest relationship I’ve ever been in lasting a mere five months.  There are plenty of contributing factors towards this.  I’m awkward, I’m geeky, and of course there was that pesky boombox I carried around for way too long.  But the romantic impact of having a deep dark secret cannot be underestimated.

It wasn’t that I never dated, it was that *I* never dated.  The person who would go out on dates with women that I was attracted to wasn’t me; he was this crafted male avatar, the person I presented to the world.  I was a tiny, repressed woman sitting at a console somewhere driving this awkward dude around, so no matter how strongly I felt towards someone, no matter what feelings she may or may not have had back, there was always the fear that she would discover me, think I was a freak, and reject me.  Living in constant fear that someone will reject you, usually is a number one cause of someone ultimately rejecting you.

As an analogy, let me reference something that may also further the case for my singlehood, the board game based on the reboot of the science fiction TV series Battlestar Galactica.  Without going too deeply into the mythology of the series, one of the aspects of it includes robots passing themselves off as humans.  In the board game, at least one player per game is given a card that tells them that they are one of these robots and must attempt to keep that secret hidden throughout the course of play.  Of course, having this secret card informs every interaction you make in the game.  Even if you’re not intentionally sabotaging the other players, every move you make runs the risk of revealing yourself.  Furthermore, every player who isn’t a secret robot is constantly on their guard about these same slip ups and sabotages as well.  In the world of real life, potential partners might not be searching specifically for secret robots but the scrutiny of what you may or may not be hiding is always there.  While this adversarial tension might make for an exciting board game, it is not a recipe that bodes well for long-term relationship success.

Whenever I’ve spoken to former partners or read about some aspect of trans coming out during a relationship, often the gender identity is not the number one thing they cite as the reason the partnership ended.  Almost consistently, the issue has always been, “how could this have been the case all along and I never knew?” The idea that someone so close to us could be keeping such a huge secret usually leads us to believe that they could be keeping more and that we wouldn’t know.  For my part, I was never good at keeping secrets from those close to me, which was why I never let anyone get close to me.  Now, almost six years out of the closet, I don’t even know how to let people in, because I spent 27 years keeping them out. But I think being honest with them is probably a good start.

Mind Your Manners

by Virginia Jonesin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

I asked readers for questions on online dating from ladies and men, and you really came through!  Thank you so much.

Q: How do you politely end a disastrous first date?

A: First of all- set a time limit for your first date of about an hour.  After that, you have a good idea of whether or not you’d like to spend more time with that person.  Come pre-loaded with an excuse like meeting a friend, or an appointment elsewhere.  Good ideas for first dates include small things, like meeting for a coffee or a drink.  Terrible first date ideas include: attending your cousin’s wedding, going on a road trip to Montreal, or taking a six week long Cantonese cooking course.

No matter how awkward the date is, you can give someone an hour of your time, then bow out and thank them for meeting with you.  You might get a story out of it, or make a friend, or learn something you didn’t know before.  Being polite costs nothing.

Of course, if after an hour you are both looking at each other with sparkly eyes and you just ate a piece of spaghetti together and kissed at the end, you can totally agree to continue the date.

Q: When should you let someone know whether or not you’d like to see them again?

A:  If you have the gumption to tell someone face to face that you really enjoyed meeting them and ask if you can see them again, do so.  It’s the romantic thing to do.  Otherwise, say nothing, slink away and text them surreptitiously when you get back to your car, or send them a message online.

If you don’t want to see them again after the first date, just say nothing.  This is the default setting.

Q: I’m out on a date in a bar, but I see another attractive person in the room.  Since I’m not in a relationship, isn’t it fine to chat up and ask that person out as well?

 A: This is incredibly rude, and telling me that I’m being ridiculous and it wasn’t rude at all doesn’t change anything, Matt!

When you’re on a date, that time belongs to that person.  If you can’t commit to giving one person your undivided attention for a few hours, don’t go on dates, just keep swiping on Tinder.

Q: I’m on a first date with someone who I really like- in the interest of transparency, don’t I need to tell them that I have other first dates planned?

A:  Not only is this none of their business, it’s actually a bit rude.  Going on a first date is more like going on a job interview than it is a romantic event.  You wouldn’t tell an interviewer how many other companies you were trying to get hired at, right?  Not until it was time to talk money.  Treat dating the same way, except never talk about money because then you’re not dating, you’re an escort.

Secretive Couple with Smart Phones in Their Hands

Q: When can I assume that the person I’m seeing isn’t seeing other people?

A:  Never.  Even if you fall in love and move in together and she supports you through graduate school and you stick by her side after she loses her pet hamster in a freak road paving accident, and you get older, start wearing only sweatpants and eventually die holding hands in front of the television, unless you have specifically asked “are you interested in being monogamous?”, you’re best off assuming she was continuing to see other people throughout.

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My Name is Alexandra, and I am Co-Dependent

by Alexandra Norrisin Wellness1 Comment on My Name is Alexandra, and I am Co-Dependent

I felt wrong. All. the. Time. I couldn’t figure out if I was being abused or if my lack of understanding of any boundaries were closing in on him and he was responding accordingly. Probably both. I underestimated the power of infatuation.

When Jonathan called, his voice was bright and excited. At this point, I hadn’t thought much of him other than that he dressed well in vintage and was a fun person to talk to. By the end of the night, after inadvertently getting caught up spending several hours talking, he was the first to acknowledge the spark, and asked if I wanted to kiss him. I blushed, sputtered out an excuse, and stared straight forward at my steering wheel. I felt something, but at this point it was premature; and my gut clenched up.

As the back and forth in planning our next meet-up transpired, it began to occur to me that I really did want to see him again.  Every moment we were together, I found myself swept away and I couldn’t (and had no desire to) shake the daze I found myself caught in.

Between my frequent flyer points and his impressive gifts of return flights surprise trips to Toronto, we somehow saw each other every couple of weeks for the rest of the year. I began making plans to shift my work over to LA as much as possible. We nearly missed every return flight as our feet dragged behind us to the airport to say goodbye, and saying hello never came soon enough.

Of course, the other shoe always loomed above our heads, ready to drop at any moment. I often found myself saying something that would set him into a tailspin, and I would scurry to pick up the pieces. I could never figure out what I was doing wrong, and he would withhold the answers judiciously, like they were part of a test I never read the textbook for.  He was very smart, experienced and appeared to have his life together. I was over a decade his junior;  though I knew I was smart and capable, I followed his lead like a lost puppy. I was his ball of wax to mold; except that beneath the wax were my previously existing flaws and human characteristics that were not at all complimentary to his. They were eager to poke through at any inconvenient moment.

As you might imagine, the cracks in our love turned to canyons, and I found myself in a deep hole. I had gone deeper into debt attempting to keep everything afloat in a foreign country, blinded by my ambitious romantic entanglement, without any real plan. I returned to my mother’s house in my hometown to start over from scratch in my late 20s along with my bruised tail between my legs.

Each morning, I would attempt to go for a swim in a nearby pool. My body felt so heavy and tired, like I was carrying around a deadweight with my head attached to it. Swimming made me feel temporarily lighter and relieved and I could quiet my mind for a few minutes. It was the only thing I could convince my body to do aside from gluing myself to my computer. What I was going through felt like an emotional rock bottom. I had put every last egg in one basket with reckless abandon. This has been something that has served me with unbelievably unique and remarkable experiences and opportunities. But those experiences sometimes went the other way and led to disaster. In this case, it shattered me. I was devastated to a point that it had occurred to me that my breakups felt like a death. An extreme feeling that it occurred to me might not be normal.

My addiction, as it turned out, was people. More specifically, I used relationships to help me feel whole. The amount someone cared for me seemed tantamount to the number of gestures they would produce that showed me this; washing my car or building me something or even just letting me be the little spoon when cuddling, made me feel loved and therefore special and gave me value.  Which stands to reason that when that person decides not to “do” these things, I feel slighted, hurt and empty. My whirlwind romance had become a drug for which I was compromising every aspect of my life; my finances, my stability and any semblance of a healthy interaction with anyone around me.

I had remembered a friend mentioning an organization which was called Co-Dependents Anonymous, modelled after the 12 step programs for recovery from drug and alcohol addiction. As fate would have it, there was a group within walking distance of my mother’s house in the middle of a suburban wasteland. I added this to my short list of things to get out of bed for, and started attending regularly.

For the first month, I had been a shadow of former extraverted self and quietly listened, shell-shocked, to the familiar stories of those around me. I was not alone, and as unique as I would love to believe myself to be, every story I heard felt like a chapter from own experience. These people were me. For the first month, I quietly wept at every single meeting, but would almost always compose myself enough to collect some thoughts to share and kept moving forward. It helped to hear from other people who were at various stages of pulling their shit together and learning what healthy boundaries felt like.

While I began to piece my life back together, I took a couple of interim jobs in depressing call centers lined with mini-cubicles, headsets and the color grey. I filled the time between calls working on the program’s steps and finding balance. I talked objectively to more people one on one than perhaps I ever had in life, alternately asking people survey questions or helping file insurance claims. As removed from my career path as it all was, I was good at it; I felt like I was contributing something constructive to the universe. This helped me feel human and that I had worth. I began to feel lighter and more awake as I readied myself to jump back into the life I had left hanging.

It is at three months when you are considered a recurring member of a 12 Step Group, and can be relied upon to participate in such things as chairing meetings and handing out commemorative chips. I mentioned to some of the members in charge of organizing the meeting for that week that I would be picking up my three month chip that night. The woman on the schedule to chair that evening, graciously offered me the opportunity to lead the meeting for the night. It remains one of my most fulfilling moments, being able to stand confidently in a leadership role in front of the group who had seen me in my most fragile, broken state, as a person who could smile with a genuine warmth from inside. The icing on the cake was having the opportunity to help a newcomer at her first meeting. I picked up my chip, held some hands, submitted my requisition with the universe for serenity and headed back to LA.

For more information, visit www.coda.org and feel free to reach out to me if you are struggling with your own codependence.

 

 

 

Save Yourself From These Dating Pitfalls

by MONROKin DATING ADVICE, LOVE1 Comment on Save Yourself From These Dating Pitfalls

First dates are awkward as it is, as trying to get to know someone can have it’s challenges in any situation. When it comes to choosing a place, here are 5 date pitfalls to avoid:

COMEDY SHOW

I am a comedian, and every time I see a couple on a date in the audience I think WHY??!! Not only can you not talk to the person, but you don’t really know anything about them yet, let alone their sense of humor. Both parties are always reluctant to laugh in fear of the other person taking offense.

Comedian: “You know that awkward moment right after you finish where it’s like UH COULD YOU NOT BE HERE RIGHT NOW”

(Guy looks at girl smiling nervously.)

After the show it’s only more awkwardness. As you’ve basically been sitting next to a stranger for the past two hours you really have no idea what to say. Going to a comedy show is something that you should do when you are comfortable with a person, i.e. AFTER you’ve gotten to know them. Save this night out for when you are committed and need a break from Netflix.

ANYTHING ATHLETIC

We want to avoid starting off a potential relationship by competing AGAINST one another. Also, not everyone is athletic. You could really end up embarrassing someone. Once a guy asked me to go bike riding in Venice Beach. I was too chicken shit to tell him “listen, it took me like 6 years to learn how to ride a bike that ended in my mom enrolling me in “biking school” which was basically an indoor gym for uncoordinated children to ride around with training wheels on.“ Needless to say, I shouldn’t have to bring my helmet and kneepads to get to know someone. Activities that require teamwork where you can excel/learn together tend to be better suited for dates, like a cooking class or wine tasting.

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Who’s My Emergency Contact Now?

by Virginia Jonesin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

So, you’ve broken up.

You’ve taken their number out of your phone so you don’t text in moments of weakness. When you drop your cat off at the groomer’s and they ask for an emergency contact you say, “I don’t have one. I guess if I don’t come back, you have to set the cat free.”

Best case scenario: you came together, you challenged each other to be your best, inspired each other, learned from each other, then evolved so much you grew apart and mutually decided to consciously uncouple. Worst case scenario: everything else.

Here are some tips to help you deal:

Mourn the plans you made together.

It could be that annual trip to Batfest in Austin, TX, it could be your aunt’s wedding in Boston, it could just be the new Iron Man movie. Notice and release your disappointment in each thing you won’t be doing together. You’re creating a new reality map in your brain without that person in it.

Disconnect electronically.

This might be the hardest part, because we all want to be supercool adult people. That doesn’t mean you need to see when this dude is out to dinner with a girl whose haircut is very similar to your own, and he doesn’t need to know when you’re out at karaoke singing the Stevie Nicks songs that he used to hear in the shower. You don’t have to delete them, but certainly turn their feed off for a couple of months while you get your head together. Even though it sometimes feels good to dwell on the object of your affection, scratching that itch will just contribute to an obsession and will delay your healing.

Cut off communication.

One of the hardest parts of a breakup, especially of a long relationship, is that you find that the person you used to get comfort from is the last person you should speak to. Talk to friends. Talk to family. Talk to your pastor. Don’t talk to each other. Part of your job right now is to get this person’s smell out of your nostrils, literally and figuratively. Once you stop hanging out with them, you’ll stop saying things like “but we’re so good together!”

Depressed Man After Split Up

Ditch the Knick-knacks.

If you have stuff of theirs that reminds you of them, and it bothers you, put it away. You can even throw it away, if you want. If something is in your house that makes you sad, get rid of it, unless he gave you a couch or something, in that case throw a blanket over it until it doesn’t make you feel sad anymore, because that’s a nice couch.

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How to Argue–From a Debate Professor

by Lexi Notabartoloin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Couples argue. When two people share a life (and thus a lot of time) together, it’s unavoidable. Whereas you might feel totally comfortable telling a coworker or friend where to stick their unsolicited opinions, the stakes feel higher with a partner. You care about them. You want them to be happy. But sometimes… you just want them to see that you’re right and they’re wrong and to stop being so difficult. I hear you.

Arguing can be a good thing for a relationship if you do it right. Now, I’m not a psychologist, relationship expert, or professional mediator. What I am is a former internationally competitive debater and teacher of debate. Since this is a safe space and we’re all close, personal friends I’ll be honest: I love to argue. I love the pace and exchange and demand that I think on my feet. My partner — a truly wonderful and patient human — does not find this to be my best quality. I’m here to tell you that there are approaches to contentious moments in a relationship that ensure your voice is heard and can even strengthen your connection.

“The Pregame”

Many arguments are rooted not in the topic being argued, but the perception of what the argument says about one of the involved parties. The best way to mitigate this kind of dynamic is to make a habit of being supportive and constructive in common conversation with your partner. When they say something insightful, tell them you find it interesting. When you glean new information from a discussion, let them know you learned something. The goal isn’t a flattery-off, so don’t force these moments. Saying the little things you think in your brain as you talk with someone you care about can have a big impact when emotions run high. Even a simple “Huh. I hadn’t thought about that. Super interesting” can go a long way when you need it later on.

“The Mind Buck”

When it comes to a loved one, there is no such thing as “stuck” in a conversation. Weird Gene cornering you at the office at the holiday party is “stuck.” Changing the way you think about a situation has powerful implications for how your brain will allow you to process information. Often times we can feel an argument coming on, based on past experience. This generates stress, which does some pretty interesting stuff to brain chemistry and function. Most notably, stress can decrease activity in the parts of the brain that allow for higher level reasoning. If you feel like your critical thinking skills get worse as you get steamed, you might be right.

In this instance, you need to give your brain something else to focus on. Some people try a basic counting exercise, where counting backwards from twenty of fifty, (if you go from zero to Michael Bay in no time flat) de-escalates a situation. I found that a mantra, practiced in calm times but invoked prior to big debate rounds worked well for me. When it comes to fights with my partner, I’ve got a few choice mantras that relate to our connection that I cycle through. “My eyes sparkle when you laugh at my jokes,” reminds me of one of the best small shared moments we have. “You bring me coffee and smell my hair every morning,” is a more practically-focused meditation, and keeps our familial rituals at the forefront. “No matter what you say right now, you’ll still fart in the bed,” pulls double duty as a very true thing that makes me laugh but also something that keeps the situation in perspective. You might really want to, but don’t let your brain freak out or shut down.

“Listen, Breathe, Repeat”

The hardest but most effective rhetorical tool I’ve encountered. Even if the information being presented to you is incredibly objectionable, let the speaker run their course. Then, prior to your response, breathe deeply. Like, I’m talking diaphragm expanding, theatre warm up levels of deep breathing. Then, repeat what you’ve heard as best you can recall it. This does three things:

  • Let’s the other person feel heard;
  • Regulates your heartbeat, avoiding that “rage tremble” feeling we’ve all experienced;
  • Gives your mouth a second to catch up to your brain.

The kinds of people I used to debate against were not ones for brevity, so you’ll have to develop your own ways of remembering points you want to hit while they run out their words. I would pop a knuckle when I heard something I wanted to respond to, which was probably not great for my joints but effective in connecting a sensation to a statement I’d hear. I’d then try to pop the same knuckle and magically find that I was able to recall whatever point to which I’d wanted to respond.

“The Trump Card”

The bottom line is that for most people, anything is preferable to arguing. If your goal is to navigate the shortest distance between contention and drinking an IPA on the couch and laughing about your dumb tiff, nothing beats honesty. “I love you and want to enjoy our time together” tends to throw folks for a loop. That’s okay. So long as you stay levelheaded (see “The Mind Buck”) the relationship world is your oyster.

Romantic Gestures, Do They Pair With Sushi?

by Riley Silvermanin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Freshman year of high school, I had a crush on a girl that we’ll call Julie. Julie and I had gotten to talking a lot on a choir class trip and we had flirted a bit, although I was 15 and dorky, so by flirting I really just mean she was willing to talk to me.  But we had this joke, the kind of cute inside joke that had me convinced that Julie and I would definitely be together.  At the time there was this weird rumor that green M&Ms were an aphrodisiac.  I barely understood what that meant, but we had joked together on that choir trip about it and shared our green M&Ms with each other and laughed and laughed.

So, come Valentine’s Day, Julie and I had a date planned, and I wanted to get her something special to give her as a valentine at school.  I bought one of those little plastic M&Ms dispensers, and sat down one evening with about a dozen big bags of M&Ms, spending careful amounts of time picking out each and every green one I could find, and re-filling the dispenser with just them.  Let me make it perfectly clear that I did not think that this would make Julie suddenly go into heat and have sex with me right in the cafeteria.  I knew it was a joke.  I thought she would laugh, that was the goal.  But it turned out she laughed not with me, but at me.  She thought it was totally lame and not long after that she decided she wanted to date my best friend Andy instead of me.

I can’t really say that course of events has every really changed in my life.  While I’ve landed pretty firmly in the cynical camp when it comes to romance now, I was for decades a card-carrying Hopeless Romantic. I was prone to wild, random, quirky romantic gestures that I can say never ended well.  Some of them were relatively minor, driving across town to bring ibuprofen to a woman who was stuck at work with a major headache, only to have her barely muster up a thank you.  Hunting down an ‘80s Transformers lunchbox on eBay for an obsessed fan who dumped me the day before I gave it to her.

My very last romantic act which I thought was fairly simple, somehow became the most complicated and convoluted, and likely expedited the breakup that happened less than a week later.  In August 2012 I was dating Katie. She had started a new, stressful job that was demanding far more of her time than she thought it would.  One of the complaints she often shared with me was that she could never get away from her desk long enough for a real lunch and was living off of granola bars and such.  So I decided one day when she’d seemed extra stressed that it would be a really good day to go online and order her some sushi sent to her office.  I picked out her favorite rolls, I tipped the driver in the purchase, and I left a note for the restaurant explaining what was going on.

Here’s the problem: the restaurant didn’t get the note that I gave to the online ordering company.  They then sent a delivery driver who only spoke Japanese.  I had put her name on the order but my phone number, and hadn’t told her it was coming because it was supposed to be a surprise (Note to anyone reading: surprises are almost always a bad idea.)  This leads to me getting a phone call from the driver saying “Food is here,” with him then not understanding me when I explained, “Oh, it’s not for me, it’s a gift.” He responded with a very unsure “Okay,” and then continued to wait in the lobby of her building assuming that what I had said to him was some variation of “I’ll be right down.” 

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