Building Your Soundtrack for Getting It On

Everyone has been there. The amazing meal has been eaten, the clever and engaging chit chat has been had, and you’re ready to get down. Just as you really lean in to the moment – BOOM. Bloodhound Gang’s “Bad Touch” blares out of the speakers, the result of an unfortunate mixture of the shuffle feature and a “90s Novelty Playlist.”

Don’t let this happen to you.

There is no rule that you must engage in amorous congress with a backing track. In fact, there is often nothing sexier than listening to your partner during lovemaking. If you do opt to underscore your sexual congress, however, there are some important things to consider:

Give it a name that makes you feel powerful

Look, sex can be awesome and weird and fun all in the same moment. Preparation is key for a fun and safe time, music choices included. I have several playlists built out for sex at different times of day (more on that in a second), and they each have a name that makes me feel like a silly badass. For example: “Do It For Buffy,” “How To Seduce a Smart Lady,” or “Foxy Brown is My Boo” might all be sexually-focused playlists on my computer RIGHT NOW.

Sexy Girl Listening To Music At Home - Point Of View Photo

When in Doubt, Say Nothing

Instrumental music is your friend when it comes to makin’ bacon. Some people find lyrics very distracting, either because they’re physically incapable of not commenting on a deep cut track you included or because they can’t help singing along to music they know. Everyone has some go-to songs that just get them into the mood. Include them, but if deciding between two options always go for the less lyrically-focused.

Rhythm Nation 2015

The key to a great getting down mix is music that has a consistent, driving baseline and repeating rhythm. Not only does this help our heartbeats synch with our partner but it also sets a pace of sorts for adult activities. 

How to Argue–From a Debate Professor

Couples argue. When two people share a life (and thus a lot of time) together, it’s unavoidable. Whereas you might feel totally comfortable telling a coworker or friend where to stick their unsolicited opinions, the stakes feel higher with a partner. You care about them. You want them to be happy. But sometimes… you just want them to see that you’re right and they’re wrong and to stop being so difficult. I hear you.

Arguing can be a good thing for a relationship if you do it right. Now, I’m not a psychologist, relationship expert, or professional mediator. What I am is a former internationally competitive debater and teacher of debate. Since this is a safe space and we’re all close, personal friends I’ll be honest: I love to argue. I love the pace and exchange and demand that I think on my feet. My partner — a truly wonderful and patient human — does not find this to be my best quality. I’m here to tell you that there are approaches to contentious moments in a relationship that ensure your voice is heard and can even strengthen your connection.

“The Pregame”

Many arguments are rooted not in the topic being argued, but the perception of what the argument says about one of the involved parties. The best way to mitigate this kind of dynamic is to make a habit of being supportive and constructive in common conversation with your partner. When they say something insightful, tell them you find it interesting. When you glean new information from a discussion, let them know you learned something. The goal isn’t a flattery-off, so don’t force these moments. Saying the little things you think in your brain as you talk with someone you care about can have a big impact when emotions run high. Even a simple “Huh. I hadn’t thought about that. Super interesting” can go a long way when you need it later on.

“The Mind Buck”

When it comes to a loved one, there is no such thing as “stuck” in a conversation. Weird Gene cornering you at the office at the holiday party is “stuck.” Changing the way you think about a situation has powerful implications for how your brain will allow you to process information. Often times we can feel an argument coming on, based on past experience. This generates stress, which does some pretty interesting stuff to brain chemistry and function. Most notably, stress can decrease activity in the parts of the brain that allow for higher level reasoning. If you feel like your critical thinking skills get worse as you get steamed, you might be right.

In this instance, you need to give your brain something else to focus on. Some people try a basic counting exercise, where counting backwards from twenty of fifty, (if you go from zero to Michael Bay in no time flat) de-escalates a situation. I found that a mantra, practiced in calm times but invoked prior to big debate rounds worked well for me. When it comes to fights with my partner, I’ve got a few choice mantras that relate to our connection that I cycle through. “My eyes sparkle when you laugh at my jokes,” reminds me of one of the best small shared moments we have. “You bring me coffee and smell my hair every morning,” is a more practically-focused meditation, and keeps our familial rituals at the forefront. “No matter what you say right now, you’ll still fart in the bed,” pulls double duty as a very true thing that makes me laugh but also something that keeps the situation in perspective. You might really want to, but don’t let your brain freak out or shut down.

“Listen, Breathe, Repeat”

The hardest but most effective rhetorical tool I’ve encountered. Even if the information being presented to you is incredibly objectionable, let the speaker run their course. Then, prior to your response, breathe deeply. Like, I’m talking diaphragm expanding, theatre warm up levels of deep breathing. Then, repeat what you’ve heard as best you can recall it. This does three things:

  • Let’s the other person feel heard;
  • Regulates your heartbeat, avoiding that “rage tremble” feeling we’ve all experienced;
  • Gives your mouth a second to catch up to your brain.

The kinds of people I used to debate against were not ones for brevity, so you’ll have to develop your own ways of remembering points you want to hit while they run out their words. I would pop a knuckle when I heard something I wanted to respond to, which was probably not great for my joints but effective in connecting a sensation to a statement I’d hear. I’d then try to pop the same knuckle and magically find that I was able to recall whatever point to which I’d wanted to respond.

“The Trump Card”

The bottom line is that for most people, anything is preferable to arguing. If your goal is to navigate the shortest distance between contention and drinking an IPA on the couch and laughing about your dumb tiff, nothing beats honesty. “I love you and want to enjoy our time together” tends to throw folks for a loop. That’s okay. So long as you stay levelheaded (see “The Mind Buck”) the relationship world is your oyster.

Being Sexually Purposeful

I like sex. I don’t say this in a scandalous, “Samantha-from-Sex-and-the-City” way, but as a simple statement of fact. Sex feels good, I think I’m reasonably “good” at it, and the combination of those two things is a bigger aphrodisiac for me than any sense of victory over a sexual conquest could.

That doesn’t stop my friends from making jokes (lovingly. I think.) about my “man eater” qualities. “Oh, Lex,” they say, “You’d destroy him.” While that might be true, it’s not because I’ve got an arsenal of tricks and knowledge behind me. It’s because when I want to have sex, I do. I act with sexual purposefulness. Anyone, with the right mindset, can, too.

If we’re being totally honest, there is a lot about sex that freaks me out. I grew up in the late nineties, when teen pregnancy was running rampant and everyone had at least one friend that had experienced “a scare.” This made me cautious, but as a natural-born researcher, it also made me endlessly curious. Vibrators? Nipple clamps? BDSM? If all these sex things existed, they had to be enjoyable to someone. Right? Right?!

Once I became an actual researcher, paid to examine things in a systematic and diagnostic fashion, I began to apply the same rigor to my sexual life. The results were fascinating, but ultimately just gave words to processes I was already putting into practice. Some call it sexual confidence, game, or swag. I call it being sexually purposeful. It’s a largely internal process, so like any good researcher I worked from a question set checking in with my subject (me) at multiple intervals.

What’s up with my body?

Sexual purposefulness begins, exists, and ends with the person living it. FYI: That’s you. It’s important to learn how to distinguish between “I want to have sex” and “I want another person touching my body.” They seem similar, but there is a gulf of intent between them. The more in tune you are with what your body is telling you it wants, the more sexually purposeful you can be. Maybe tonight you just want to make out with someone. You know who should know that? The other party in that makeout sesh. Nothing is more engaging or sexy than clarity.