Sex Archives - Page 19 of 29 - Love TV

Category: Sex

Sexless Relationship. Is It Ok?

by zfortadminin Sex

As many as 40 million Americans in romantic relationships scant on sex — and some of them are perfectly happy with it. Here’s how to tell if your sexless marriage is healthy, or in need of some sizzle.

Tune into any TV show, the radio, or your Twitter feed, and the message is clear: If you’re in a relationship, you should be having hot, mind-blowing, on-top-of-the-table sex … all the time.

Yet research shows that 10 to 20 percent of romantic relationships in the United States are “sexless,” according to Robert Epstein, PhD, a San Diego-based research psychologist and founder and director emeritus of the Cambridge Center for Behavioral Studies in Beverly, Mass. That accounts for about 40 million people in the United States.

And that may be an underestimate, because people are reluctant to ‘fess up about no-sex relationships. Because of society’s obsession with sex, some couples feel ashamed to admit that they’re not experiencing a certain level of sexual frequency or satisfaction.

In fact, one survey found that 30 percent of male participants in their 40s and 34 percent in their 50s who were in a relationship hadn’t had sex the previous year. For women in their 40s and 50s, about 21 percent reported no sex with their partner in the previous year.

So what’s really going on in America’s bedrooms?

What ‘Sexless’ Really Means

Technically, a sexless relationship is defined as when a couple has sex less than once a month or less than 10 times a year, says Dr. Epstein.

What does that mean for your relationship? One thing is for sure — it doesn’t mean your relationship lacks love, says Jennifer Freed, PhD, marriage and family therapist in private practice in Santa Barbara, Calif. She estimates that about 5 to 7 percent of the couples she sees in her practice are perfectly happy in their sexless marriages.

If you’re in a sexless relationship, the main thing you should ask yourself is: Are you and your partner content about not having sex?

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When You Are Kissing These Hormones Get Released

by zfortadminin Sex

What’s in a kiss?

In the average lifetime, most people spend 20,160 minutes kissing. A passionate kiss can burn up to five calories per minute. The longest kiss, recorded in Thailand in February 2013 by Guinness World records, lasted 58 hours, 35 minutes and 58 seconds. But these philamatology1 factoids2 don’t really explain why people kiss.

Kissing not only feels good, it’s good for you. It relieves stress and releases epinephrine into your blood, making it pump faster, which signals a reduction of LDL cholesterol. But while “swapping spit” in today’s culture most often denotes sexual attraction, there’s more to it than that:

“’Mucous membranes inside the mouth are permeable to hormones such as testosterone. Through open-mouth kissing, men introduced testosterone into a woman’s mouth’ which ‘is absorbed through the mucous membranes… and increases arousal and the likelihood that she will engage in reproductive behavior.3”

But because some cultures don’t include kissing in their mating rituals, it’s possible the first kiss was given by a mother to her child rather than being shared between a couple.

Psychologists conjecture that kiss-feeding – exchanging pre-masticated food from one mouth to another was how babies received the nutrients needed to grow up strong and healthy (as they’re not always available from breast milk). This jump starts the digestion process and makes vitamins like B-12 more easily absorbable.

Actress Alicia Silverstone’s blog recently included a video of herself kiss-feeding her child4, nicknamed Bear, offering a clue to the meaning of mouth-to-mouth contact from a child’s perspective:

“I just had a delicious breakfast of miso soup, collards and radish steamed and drizzled with flax oil, cast iron mochi with nori wrapped outside, and some grated daikon. Yum! I fed Bear the mochi and a tiny bit of veggies from the soup from my mouth to his. It’s his favorite… and mine.

He literally crawls across the room to attack my mouth if I’m eating.”

 

How Cuddling, Breastfeeding and Natural Weaning Relates to Babies’ Emotional Health

There’s a school of thought that contends that the cuddling, visual attachment and emotional bonding that takes place between mother and child during breastfeeding and/or kiss-feeding helps the child establish healthy attitudes toward food later in life. Subsequent baby-led weaning (BLW), which includes premasticating regular whole foods in lieu of serving processed baby foods and spoon feeding, is said to:

  • Enhance mealtime enjoyment
  • Help reduce the child’s obesity risk
  • Promote natural jaw development
  • Improve eye-hand coordination and dexterity

But it’s also said to help children develop confidence and security in their future relationships. Of course, what you feed your baby after breastfeeding also is crucial. Merging from breastfeeding on demand to gradually introducing regular foods is what humans have adapted to do.

According to Dr. Kevin Boyd, whose anthropological studies led him to ascertain that children’s dental health depends very much on this transition, as well as an absence of carbohydrates and sugar in their diets.

Interestingly, babies up to four months old can only focus on objects eight to ten inches from their faces – about the same distance between infants and their mother’s face when breastfeeding5 – suggesting that facial recognition is the beginning of emotional, not just physical, attachment.

The phenomenon of pareidolia – seeing faces in flowers and cloud formations – may reinforce the possibility that the search for emotional attachment may be one of mankind’s most elemental instincts.

Scientific Animal Testing Shows How Baby Monkeys Attach to Another ‘Mother’

In the 1950s, Dr. Harry Harlow conducted experiments on attachment at the University of Wisconsin which today would undoubtedly be considered cruel. Harlow separated young monkeys from their mothers soon after birth and placed them in cages with two “fake” mothers.

One was an immovable doll made of soft cloth, while the second, mechanical “mother” was made of cold, unyielding wire which nonetheless provided food. The young monkeys were then confronted with a scary, threatening contraption. But rather than running to the mechanical food source, they invariably scampered to the soft, cuddly doll mothers, showing that comfort was more important to them than food.

Harlow also created a rejecting “mother” that used a blast of pressurized air to push the baby monkeys away. But they clung even tighter to these mother figures. The scientists observed that the “rejection” actually strengthened the baby monkeys’ determination to hang on, and essentially, attach. In the 1960s, similar experiments conducted by Dr. Eckhard Hess6 at the University of Chicago involved electric shocks to keep ducklings from attaching to figures they imprinted on. But this only strengthened the ducklings’ behavior and made them follow even closer.

Experiments by A.E. Fisher on puppies in 1955 divided them into three groups. The first was treated kindly, while the second group was treated harshly and punished whenever they approached the researchers. The third group experienced random kindness mixed with punishment, so they never knew what to expect. But the third group of puppies formed the strongest attachment to the researchers. Guy Murchie7 dubbed this the polarity principal, which says the stress of uncertainty is one of the strongest factors affecting attachment, love and dependence.

The Paradoxical Nature of Attaching… What Doesn’t Comfort May Make You Stronger

These clinical tests introduce a paradox, which can be valuable teachers into the human psyche. Like the baby monkeys, ducklings and puppies, uncertainty can affect attachments and the most deep-seated behaviors – including who and how you kiss.

But what happens when early attachment was “iffy,” if not altogether absent, or when later attachments or relationships leave you feeling neglected or even abandoned? This is just one type of stress you can address using the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), which can help you eliminate emotional “scarring,” reduce the emotional impact of memories that trigger emotional distress and reprogram your body’s response to emotional stressors. EFT along with eating well, getting adequate sleep and exercising regularly, can help restore your energy meridians as well as your mind/body balance – whether or not you spend 20,160 minutes of your life kissing.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

What Your Sex Dream Means When THIS Person is in It.

by zfortadminin Sex

We all have ’em — but it turns out that our raciest, steamiest dreams might not have that much to do with sex after all.

There you are — under the covers, disrobed, fooling around with some sexy mystery hunk. Suddenly, you catch a glimpse of his face and … it’s your old third-grade math teacher?

That’s when you wake up.

Yep, you were having a sex dream, and that doesn’t mean you’re weird or have a raving sex drive. On the contrary, research shows that most Americans dream about sex often: About 8 percent of nighttime reveries involve some sort of sexual activity, according to a University of Montreal study, with women getting it on in dreamland just as frequently as men.

But just why do we have sex dreams? And what does it mean when the other person involved is your boss, your best friend, a young Ringo Starr — or even all three at the same time?

“All dreams, even sex dreams, can be easily connected to things going on in your life,” says Ian Wallace, a dream psychologist and author of The Top 100 Dreams: The Dreams That We All Have and What They Really Mean. “And every character in your dream represents a small snippet of your own personality.”

Wallace explains it like this: When someone pops up in your sex dream, it doesn’t necessarily imply you want to be intimate with this person. Instead, he or she probably possesses some admirable personality trait (such as leadership skills, kindness, or a flair for fashion) that you recognize in yourself but haven’t yet fully developed. “Showing off your talents and traits requires that you open up and become vulnerable and exposed,” says Wallace — just like sex (which is why your snoozing psyche converts it into this extremely intimate act).

Psychologist Gillian Holloway, PhD, agrees: On her dream interpretation Web site, she explains that while some sex dreams may simply be “wish fulfillment” (you probably won’t be able to score with this person in real life, so you resort to your dreams), sex dreams are usually more complex, reflecting your own personal desires and fears.

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A Woman’s Natural Scent and How it Attracts the Right Mate

by zfortadminin Sex

Women might want to think twice before spritzing Chanel No. 5. A new study suggests that a woman’s natural scent may be all she needs.

Recent research shows that a man’s testosterone levels, which are linked with sexual interest, are significantly higher when they smell the shirt of a woman who is ovulating.

Other studies have linked higher levels of testosterone with an increase in sexual arousal as well.

In surveys, men have reported being more attracted to ovulating women. The new study builds on this research by measuring the response of men to a specific chemical cue.

In the latest research showing that sexual attraction and desire are driven, at least partially, by subconscious cues, researchers found that simply sniffing the t-shirt of an ovulating woman is enough to significantly raise a man’s testosterone levels.

Testosterone levels in men are linked with increased sexual arousal, and the research suggests men may be able to sense the time a woman is most fertile based on her natural scent.

This “scent,” however, may be one that is working on your senses at an unconscious level via pheromones.

Are Secret Chemical Signals Determining Your Mr. or Mrs. Right?

Pheromones are small organic molecules known as the “secret seducers” that influence biological processes to stimulate your sex drive.

Animals secrete these pheromone-based chemical signals to communicate their gender or reproductive status to other animals — and humans are no exception.

Even though you don’t consciously recognize the smell of pheromones, these chemicals likely play a role in helping you find a suitable partner.

For example, if you’ve ever found yourself inexplicably attracted to a stranger you’ve just met, it could very well be their chemical signals that you find irresistible. Humans tend to be attracted to those with a dissimilar genetic make-up to themselves, which is signaled by subtle odors. This ensures genetic diversity for the species.

Researchers have actually confirmed the presence of a “secret sex nerve” (Nerve “O”), which has endings in your nasal cavity. Nerve O’s fibers go directly to the sexual regions of your brain, and because Nerve O bypasses the olfactory cortex, it does not register a conscious smell, but rather identifies chemical sexual cues.

As you might suspect, researchers are very interested in developing pheromone-based fragrances that promise to make you more sexually attractive.

Some studies have actually found that people wearing such scents are more interesting to the opposite sex, but this could simply be a placebo effect, where the person believes they will be more attractive, and therefore are.

Chemical signals like pheromones are not only about sexuality, however. They influence a complex array of biological processes and human relationships. For instance:

Women who sniffed fear-induced sweat became more mentally alert and intelligent, according to a study in Chemical Senses.

Studies have shown that women can pick a T-shirt worn by their infant from a pile of T-shirts. Babies also respond to the breast pads worn by their own mothers, but not to those worn by other women.

The smell of other women’s perspiration causes women’s menstrual cycles to speed up or slow down. This helps explain why women who live together often menstruate at the same time each month.

Why You May Want to Think Twice Before Covering Up Your Natural Scent

I would caution against wearing any synthetic perfume or cologne, as they’re almost always loaded with synthetic chemicals that have been linked to cancer, reproductive toxicity, allergies and more.

The fragrance industry actually regulates itself, through a trade association known as the International Fragrance Association. This association is responsible for conducting safety tests to determine the ingredients safe for use for their own industry.

And determining what’s actually in your “fragrance” can be virtually impossible, as there are thousands of different fragrance chemicals used to produce different aromas, and they are often not listed on the label.

Among them are the endocrine-disrupting chemicals called phthalates. The effects of these chemicals on your endocrine system, particularly during pregnancy, breastfeeding and childhood, are very disturbing. For instance, animal studies on certain phthalates have shown the chemicals may cause reproductive and developmental harm, organ damage, immune suppression, endocrine disruption and cancer.

When used during pregnancy, the chemicals in perfume and scented lotions may even lead unborn boys to suffer from infertility or cancer later in life.

Many are Chemically Sensitive

Well you may think that wearing these fragrances may make you more attractive to the opposite sex, many are unaware that there are a significant percentage of the population that are chemical canaries and these synthetic fragrances will actually make them sick.

Have you ever gotten a headache because someone sitting next to you is doused in perfume? Or felt dizzy, nauseous, irritable, confused or fatigued due to fragrances worn by other people in your office?

These are signs that you likely have a chemical sensitivity to fragrance, and many people do.

Even low-level exposure to fragrance, such as getting a whiff while out shopping, can lead to symptoms, and if you’re stuck in a closed environment (such as in an office with poor ventilation) the symptoms can be debilitating.

I know, as I used to be married to a physician who was debilitated with this illness, so I have had some first-hand experience.

We have a no-scent policy at my Natural Health Center and require patients to be scent-free during their office visits.

For a complete list of symptoms that may be caused by a chemical sensitivity to fragrance (there are easily 40+).

Artificial fragrances are also among the top five known allergens, and can cause asthma and trigger asthma attacks. For the many afflicted with allergies or chemical sensitivities, avoidance is the only real solution.

Unfortunately as with second-hand smoke, if you’re chemically sensitive you can be harmed by the fragrance someone else is wearing. You do have to breathe, after all.

So I advise everyone to avoid artificial fragrances at all cost, not only for your own health, but also for the health of those around you. If you simply cannot give up your fragrances, then at least consider switching to natural scents made from essential oils.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Politics of Girls Teen Sex …What is Really Going On?

by zfortadminin Sex

Moral panics about female sexuality seem nearly old as humanity itself: Eve, the original victim of slut-shaming.

In more recent times, furors have erupted over casual sex on college campuses, the media-fueled tizzy around “rainbow parties” (supposedly rampant oral sex events involving high school girls and boys). Kids and adults alike tend to inflate teenage sexual activity to comical proportions, but as journalist Peggy Orenstein’s “Girls & Sex” documents, “it’s not exactly the fall of Rome out there.”

The problem with teen sex isn’t the quantity but the quality of it, especially for young women. Orenstein’s book sketches a sobering portrait of their maturation into sexual self-hood through interviews with more than 70 young women, ages 15-20, discussing aspects of sexuality, including the stigma of virginity, the thorny politics of “looking hot” and the blurred lines of sexual consent.

“Girls & Sex” is a sequel of sorts to Orenstein’s “Cinderella Ate My Daughter” (2011) — her investigation into the marketing of corporatized femininity to children — and “Schoolgirls” (1995), which examined self-esteem among adolescents. “Girls & Sex” moves into the later teen years, relaying how girls explore a social terrain studded with conflicting expectations about their behavior yet blanketed in premeditated silences around their pleasure and agency.

Orenstein cites her own adolescent daughter and nieces as inspirations to write the book, and likewise, my 11-year-old daughter was a reason I wanted to read it. She’s just coming into her own awareness about sex, and I wanted to anticipate what lies ahead. As you may imagine, it’s not reassuring.

The young women Orenstein interviews are trying to become sexual subjects amid pressures to serve as sexualized objects. Men go unburdened with these contradictions, but as one of her older interviewees insists, “every college girl’s dream” is finding a balance between being “just slutty enough, where you’re not a prude but you’re not a whore.” Welcome to the new Sophie’s choice.

 

Orenstein brutally assesses this state of affairs: “We’d performed the psychological equivalent of a clitoridectomy on our daughters.”— Oliver Wang on “Girls and Sex”

 

Orenstein notes that the roots of this maddening double standard partly lie in societal expectations for women to uphold the moral standard for both sexes; a woman’s modesty is treated as “the inertia that stops the velocity of male libido.” In the U.S., the sexual revolution of the 1960s created more leeway for many adult women, but the book chronicles how panicked parents and lawmakers “responded by treating teen sex as a health crisis.” Since the 1980s, that hysteria has given rise to $1.7 billion in federal spending for abstinence-only sex education that has been derided as an utter failure.

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Getting Your Grove Back

by zfortadminin Sex

Many couples go through periods where they’re not having sex – and sometimes that’s not an issue. But if it is, discovering what’s behind a sexual dry spell can help you find strategies to increase your sexual satisfaction.

Everything from anxiety to painful sex can lead couples into a sexual dry spell — an extended period without sex lasting for months, or even years. “It’s not all that uncommon,” says Ann Hartlage, PhD, psychologist and director of the Marital and Sex Therapy Program at Rush University Medical Center in Chicago.

At the beginning of a relationship, virtually everyone says sex is great, Hartlage says. “When you’re first in a sexual relationship, the barriers between you are coming down, and you’re discovering a new person, and there are no fears of intimacy for most people,” she explains. “It’s very exciting to first be with the person.”

Then the excitement wears off, and sometimes people don’t make the transition to a deeper relationship or realize that it takes work to keep sex and the relationship alive, Hartlage says.

Getting to the Root of Your Sexual Problem

Although there are a number of reasons a relationship may be without sex, three common themes tend to come up, says Philip A. Rutter, PhD, an assistant professor in the human sexuality program at Widener University in Chester, Pa., and a relationship/sex therapist in private practice in Philadelphia.

A previous negative experience.

If one partner has a bad sexual experience with the other (for example, her or she didn’t enjoy being touched a certain way or having sex a certain way), that partner may understandably avoid sex to prevent a repeat performance, Rutter says.

The arrival of a baby.

It’s common for couples to go through a spell with no sex starting three to six months before a baby arrives until six months after, Rutter says. A new mother may be experiencing body image issues, or intercourse may be painful for her. New fathers may be fearful about having sex during pregnancy, even though doctors say it won’t hurt the baby. Plus, there’s the factor of sheer exhaustion — both during pregnancy for the woman and after a baby arrives for both parents — that can contribute to sex life going stale.

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4 Tips for Getting Fit Through Good Sex

by zfortadminin Sex

I’m all about multi-tasking. If you can hit two birds with one stone, why not, right? Making love with your spouse, boyfriend or lover can make for a great time, but did you ever think about the other benefits?

If done the right way, sex can be sexercise. After all, you’re stretching, clenching, arching and propping. Doing all of those things can work out some of those muscles of yours (not just his). Read on for some position ideas!

Bend Over and Stretch

With any workout that you do, you can never forget the importance of stretching. Usually you’ll bend over and touch your toes and hold for a few seconds. When it comes to sexercising, the idea is the same, but the procedure is slightly different. In the name of the stretching sexercise, simply bend over and lay your hands on the seat of a chair, while you keep your legs as straight (and comfortable) as possible. Let your partner have at it from behind, but pay attention to your legs’ form.

Being on Top Has Other Benefits

“We must admit, woman on top is our least favorite position because it requires the most physical effort,” says The Frisky, “but then again, riding cowgirl is way more fun than the Stairmaster, ain’t it?” Though, women usually say they can orgasm quickly while on top. Even better, there’s another benefit. Sit on top of your man while he’s sitting up. Wrap your legs around him and use your hands and arms to prop yourself up and down. That will work your triceps, biceps and forearms. If your arms aren’t strong enough, employ your legs and that should work out your thighs.

Crouching Can Replace Squats

I don’t know about you, but I hate doing squats. They’re just not fun. Doing squats in bed with your lover, on the other hand, is really fun. Simply squat on top of your man while he’s laying flat. Use your arms and legs to prop yourself up and down. Be careful though – we don’t want you to hurt your back. Do this slowly and watch your form so you don’t strain anything. Take breaks if you start to get really tired. Some of us aren’t used to this position and it takes some practice to master.

Make the Missionary Position Work for You

This sexercise sounds way too easy, you wonder. He’s on top and you’re laying on your back. How is this a workout, you ask? Well it’s all about stretching, arching and tightening. While he’s working, you can do some work on your own. Stretch your back, arch it here and there and tighten your abs. It’s like you’re doing pilates right in bed. If you want to sexercise even more than that, try tightening your kegel muscles while you’re at it – your lover will be sure to enjoy it!

Straight-Legged on His Shoulders

Stretch your legs, lady. Next time he’s on top and you’re laying on your back, take your legs and prop them right on each of his shoulders. This will not only stretch out your legs and help them tone during love-making, your abs will also feel some tension. Try to focus on your form and arch your back when possible – this will help tone your abs in the process.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Foreplay With Your Feet, Here’s How

by zfortadminin Sex

Kisses on the neck, a shoulder rubdown, a nibble on the nips—it’s all great foreplay, but hardly unpredictable.

Want to mix things up? Get your feet in the game. Your toes and soles are jam-packed with nerve-endings, making your tootsies one of the most sensitive parts of your body. Not a foot person? These six tricks might just win you over.

1. Tie ‘Em Up

If you haven’t tried bondage, make this your first foray. Using a scarf or necktie, loosely tie your partner’s feet to the bedposts or legs of a chair, says Jessica O’Reilly, Ph.D., Astroglide’s resident sex and relationships expert. He’ll feel vulnerable and get to zone in on whatever naughty, pleasurable thing you do to him next. Just make sure to switch turns.

2. Give a Rub Down

“There’s something sexy about playing the role of submissive and serving your lover, as long as it goes both ways,” says O’Reilly. Try washing your partner’s feet, then place a pillow on your lap and give him a massage. Use your fingers to squeeze and knead all over, or hold the ankle steady with one hand while rotating the foot clockwise and counterclockwise with the other.

3. Play Footsie

It may sound elementary, but rubbing your toes along your partner’s calves, feet, or inner thighs under the table is the perfect primer for sexy shenanigans, says O’Reilly. Slip your shoes off and don’t make eye contact at first—then, once you’ve built up enough anticipation, send over that mischievous ‘let’s get out of here’ glance.

4. Get Warm

Cold feet could literally be cock-blocking your pleasure: “Research suggests women are more likely to orgasm when their feet are warm, so have him rub them down with oil before you get frisky,” says O’Reilly. Giving the thermostat a boost before getting it on could help, too—and no judgment if your juices flow better with socks on.

5. Slip on Heels

Some dudes will notice a pedicure—most won’t. What they do see? Sexy, strappy heels and thigh-high stockings. Strut your stuff before having him unbuckle your shoes or roll down your tights in slo-mo.

6. Hit the Hot Spots

Glide your toes gently over your partner’s sensitive zones (think: hips,penis, small of the back, or breasts if he’s doing it to you.) “No technique is universally loved or loathed, but a number of my clients rave about partners who gently brush their feet up against the penis—it’s simultaneously pleasurable, taboo, and threatening,” says O’Reilly.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Impermanent Relationship Commitment… Just Right for This Couple

by zfortadminin LOVE, Sex

I wanted kinship, drama, and obsession with someone eccentric in my twenties; equality, worldliness, and stability with someone calm in my thirties; intimacy, attention, and adventure with someone exotic in my forties.

A few years ago, my husband, Rob, and I converted our traditional marriage to a polyamorous one. It’s been remarkably smooth. We’re very happy with our choice. And yet eventually we’ll probably divorce. Does this mean that polyamory failed us? Not at all.

Like many of our generation, Rob and I are children of divorce, and so when we got married a dozen years ago, we designed a quasi-Buddhist ceremony that made room for the concept of anicca, or impermanence. We wrote our own vows and left out the “until death do we part” and “forsaking all others” stuff: Instead, we spoke about the inevitability of change and pledged to support one another as we continued to evolve.

We meant it, but we had no idea what that might look like. We didn’t anticipate that our evolution could involve the desire for sex and relationships with other people.

But that’s what happened. In our previous relationships and with one another, we’d both been serial monogamists, but after we finished having babies, we looked around and realized that although many things about our marriage were stellar—close friendship, mutual support and admiration, compatible co-parenting—we weren’t ideal for one another sexually. We never really had been. Our libidos don’t match; I’m more “sex motivated” of the two of us. Our relationship had thrived despite a lack of romantic chemistry.

This is not an unusual revelation, of course, and in most marriages, it results in screaming matches, or swallowed resentment, or affairs conducted amidst lies and betrayals. But Rob and I didn’t see our “problem” that way—we didn’t even really see it as a problem. We saw it as a reality, and an opportunity for positive change. We became poly.

I look at it like this: Humans go through multiple phases over the course of a lifetime. It makes sense that our relationship needs shift, too. I wanted kinship, drama, and obsession with someone eccentric in my twenties; equality, worldliness, and stability with someone calm in my thirties; intimacy, attention, and adventure with someone exotic in my forties. Each phase has required partners with different personalities, interests, and energies. As I see it, it’s unfair to expect one person to evolve over many decades on a precisely parallel path to my own. Which is why I also believe that we should stop thinking about the end of a marriage as a crisis and start thinking about it as a reality.

Maybe longevity isn’t the best indicator of a relationship’s success. Why not measure marriages by the level of satisfaction reported, or the self-actualization achievable, or how much the people respect one another even after it’s over, rather than as an endurance test? In Gaga Feminism: Sex, Gender and the Edge of Normal,the cultural critic Jack Halberstam calls our culture’s infatuation with long-term monogamy “the romance of permanence.” In a 2012 interview, Halberstam suggested that rather than have weddings to celebrate the beginning of a union, we instead throw parties to honor milestones like getting through a difficult job loss or health crisis together, or to reward surviving the sleepless years of early parenting, or to cheer an amicable and fruitful separation.

HAVING SPENT THE LAST FEW YEARS LIVING POLY WILL ACTUALLY MAKE DISSOLVING THE HUSBAND-AND-WIFE PHASE OF OUR RELATIONSHIP A LOT GENTLER THAN IF WE HADN’T TAKEN THAT LEFT TURN AT SEXYTOWN.

Poly people tend to view divorce in a less binary way than mainstream culture does. Dr. Elisabeth Sheff, a sociologist who studies polyamory, has written about how, in contrast to a dominant worldview in which a “successful” relationship is one which is “the two people involved remain together at all costs,” polyamorists have a broader and more flexible take on the demise of relationships. “Poly people,” she writes, “ultimately define their relationships as both voluntary and utilitarian, in that they are designed to meet participants’ needs.” We understand that the relationship might have to change when needs change. One of the people Sheff interviewed called this “moving apart without blame.” Maybe Gwyneth Paltrow, with her “conscious uncoupling,” was onto something after all.

In this regard, monogamous couples could stand to learn a thing or two from those of us forging an alternative path. For Rob and me, our guess is that having spent the last few years living poly will actually make dissolving the husband-and-wife phase of our relationship a lot gentler than if we hadn’t taken that left turn at Sexytown.

For the last few years, most days at my house look like this: my partner Mike, who lives with us, helps me with dinner while Rob tends to the kids. We all eat together, and then Mike and I put the kids to bed while Rob texts a woman he’s met on OKCupid. Once the kids are down, the three of us sit on the couch for a movie and a cup of tea. Sometimes Rob stays home with the kids while Mike and I go out dancing. Sometimes Mike and I stay home while Rob travels for work or goes on a date. Sometimes Rob and I go out to a play while Mike stays home. Sometimes Mike and I take the kids camping and Rob spends the weekend combing bookstores. Sometimes Mike and Rob watch football together while I volunteer. Sometimes we all take a family vacation together.

IT HELPS THAT BOTH THESE MEN ARE TIDY CANCERS WHO SHARE A LOVE FOR PROGRESSIVE POLITICS AND SPORTS BLOGS; THEY ARE ALSO GUYS WHO HAVE ALWAYS ENJOYED LIVING WITH MALE FRIENDS.

Our arrangement wouldn’t work for everyone. It helps that, when Rob and I first became poly, our kids were very young, young enough so that this has pretty much always been their normal. It also helps that Mike didn’t have kids of his own, but is great with ours: my kids say they have two dads. And it helps that both these men are tidy Cancers who share a love for progressive politics and sports blogs; they are also guys who have always enjoyed living with male friends. And they’re wonderful, generous, thoughtful people who like each other, who love me, and who value the extra help and freedom that comes with having a third adult around: there’s a symbiosis they have together. We might argue about stuff like what to feed the kids for lunch or who threw out the last of the conditioner, but I honestly can’t remember a fight that stemmed purely from the fact of our poly arrangement.

Rob’s turning 50 soon, and he recently said that he’s thinking about the possibility of considering a shift within the next few years. We’ve been together for nearly two decades, and I know that his shifting need is not a reflection on me or an indication that I’ve fallen down on the job as his wife, any more than my relationship with Mike is an indication that Rob is somehow deficient as a husband. So we’re having an ongoing conversation about whether this might mean that he’d move out, and if such a move is an economically wise for us, and where the best place to move might be, and if separate households might necessitate a legal proceeding like divorce. Nothing feels dire, and no one feels hurt or rejected.

Practicing polyamory has helped us refrain from seeing this as a failure: failure to be everything to one another, failure to be people we’re not. Like many of the folks Dr. Sheff has reported on in her studies, we’re able to see a shift in the parameters of our relationship as an inevitable change rather than a reason for guilt or anger or blame. We love each other and we want each other to be happy, and part of being happy means getting our needs met. We want to support—not stand in the way of—one another getting our needs met, even if those needs involve reconfiguring our partnership. We know we can still be close and loving, no matter our relationship status.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Sensuality Science —The Body’s Best Touch Points Proven

by zfortadminin Sex

Most men admit to remaining curious as to what turns a woman on and what specific body parts require the most attention.

It is not until several rounds of trial-and-error that men will begin to become aware of what turns their partner on in between the sheets. They then stick to the usual repertoire in the boudoir. Now, Canadian scientists have found a way to eliminate the process altogether by identifying the most erogenous female body parts, based on touch, pressure, and vibration. The recent study is published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

To investigate, the team of Canadian researchers at the University of Montreal recruited 30 women between the ages of 18 and 35. Using light touch, pressure, and vibration, they studied each woman’s clitoris, labia minora, vaginal and anal margins, the lateral breast, areola, and nipple. They were then compared to neutral areas on the body, such as the neck, forearm, and abdomen.

The women were asked to lay under a bed sheet while they stimulated various outer parts of the female body with scientific instruments. The researchers asked the participants to rank their sensitivity to light touch, pressure, and vibration stimulated by the instruments in each area. Stimulation was applied for 1.5 seconds. Then, the researchers waited for five seconds before they asked the women if they felt it.

The unsurprising findings confirmed our common knowledge and the scientists’ knowledge about the erogenous zones in the female anatomy. When it came to light touch, the neck, forearm, and vaginal margin were ranked the most sensitive area, and the areola was reported the least sensitive. The clitoris and nipple were the most sensitive when it came to pleasure, whereas the lateral breast and abdomen were the least. Lastly, the clitoris and nipple were found to be the most sensitive to vibration. The clitoris, expectedly, was the most sensitive to vibration compared to all the body parts.

Overall, the female genitals were found to be more sensitive to pressure and vibration compared to touch, which the scientists found “interesting” since people enjoy sex and sex toys, according to Time magazine. The Canadian scientists hope their findings will lead to more satisfying sexual experiences for women since their most erogenous zones are now scientifically proven. They also suggest this can provide useful information for doctors who perform breast augmentation and gender reassignment surgery.

Feet were once thought to have a sensual connection to the genitals due to the concentration of nerve endings in the sole and digits of the foot. However, in a 2013 study, neuroscientists have found it to be the least appealing part of the male and female anatomy when it comes to studying the link between sex and the brain.

So men, stop the toe sucking and licking, and use what scientists have confirmed. They have better equipped you to please your woman.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Sexual Fetishes… Here Are the Top 10

by zfortadminin Sex

The definition of a sexual fetish is the need for an object, body part or material to achieve an elevated state of sexual arousal.

Technically, some of the list might fall under kinks or preferences and not the specific category of fetish, but it seems these days it’s all gray area. Suffice to say, the list covers some of the most popular of them. Also, for many people, these are things that enhance their sexual experiences but aren’t necessarily required to achieve arousal. A true fetishist must always have their individual kink present to reach a state of sexual satisfaction.

Realistically anything can be turned into a fetish; it just depends on a person’s desires and preferences. What starts a fetish? It’s a complicated issue to dissect, but according to Barnaby Barratt, Ph.D., a sexy therapist and President of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists, “experts theorize that an experience with masturbation as a young child – often one that has long been forgotten – could develop into a fetish for an object or scene that serves as a reminder.”

Is having a fetish harmful? Most experts agree that as long as you aren’t placing yourself or anyone else in danger, or breaking the law, that it’s harmless to indulge in a fetish to achieve release. On the other hand, if a true fetishist needs his or her obsession every single time they have sex to achieve an orgasm, it may not be very practical. Depending on what the fetish is, it may be a real obstacle to developing any real intimacy with another person. Society places a stigma on most fetishes although as a whole we’ve become more accepting of individual preferences. Most people are embarrassed about their fetish and don’t necessarily discuss it outside of a specific circle that may be dedicated to it such as a club or group they belong to. What’s most popular these days on the sexual fetish menu?  Let’s take a look.

10. Adult Babies

Adult babies are those individuals that enjoy being a baby again. They may enjoy regressing partially or completely, participating in the act of wearing diapers, being fed by an adult, sucking on a baby bottle or pacifier, dressing up in baby clothes, crawling instead of walking and speaking in “baby” talk. Individuals interested in infantilism most likely enjoy the nurturing aspect. They may be seeking attention or have too many responsibilities in their daily lives, which they wish to escape from.

9. Swinging and Group Sex

Swinging refers to the act of a committed, usually married couple indulging in sex with another couple or individual with the full consent of both partners. The idea of swinging or experimentation with group sex is usually driven by the male in the relationship, research showing over 75 percent of the time. This particular preference presents many challenges to a relationship including possible feelings of jealousy, low self-esteem, and issues with trust. Some couples, however, report that the act of swinging or indulging in group sex does the opposite for them, increasing the women’s confidence and allowing husbands to see their wives in a new light, strengthening their commitment to one another. It all depends on the couple and their reasons for participating.

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Make Mine a Make Out

by Virginia Jonesin Sex

Look, almost everyone likes sex.  Presidents and college students and married people all like it  and think it’s great.  But whatever happened to just making out?

In the beginning, there was kissing.  Lots and lots of sweet, hot, open-mouthed kissing.  And it was good.  We’d walk around in a daze after hours of it.  And then we moved to second base.  And lo, it was also pretty good.  Bras were stuffed under couches, not to be seen again until moving day.  Slowly, a bunch of kids who knew next to nothing about baseball moved towards a home run- and many of us never looked back.

Look, almost everyone likes sex.  Presidents and college students and married people all like it  and think it’s great.  But whatever happened to just making out?  You know, getting hot and heavy, kissing until your mouth is all tingly and puffy, feeling hands inching ever closer towards the edge of your bra- it’s fun and super hot!

Kissing Feels Great:

Kissing reduces cortisol, a stress chemical in the body.  Fifteen minutes of kissing measurably reduces levels of cortisol in academic laboratory make-out tests.  Kissing and making out releases all kinds of feel-good chemicals and hormones, including oxytocin, the love drug.  That makes making out a natural painkiller, and it also bonds you to a new person or an established partner.  Men like kissing because it’s a way to introduce more testosterone into women’s systems, which makes sex even sexier.  Women like kissing men because it’s a way to assess their appropriateness as a biological mate.   We’re usually looking for people whose genetic makeup is dissimilar to one’s own, which makes for stronger offspring.  Kissing and pheromones transfer a lot of that information about another person- unfortunately, kissing can’t help determine whether one still uses a skateboard as their main mode of transportation.

Kissing is Intense:

Kissing is done with one’s eyes closed, not just because it’s a social norm, but because kissing provides so much great information and stimulation it’s better to cut down on visual stimuli- also, because while you’re kissing, your partner probably looks like they have one big eye in the middle of their forehead.

It’s Low Risk:

For single people, kissing and making out packs a lot of the same heart-stopping thrills as sex, but without the downsides of one-time hookups- there’s virtually no STD or pregnancy scares, and it’s not as embarrassing to run into someone you made out with once at the Trader Joe’s.  If you’ve just started seeing someone, think about making out a time or two before you start having sex- you’ll be more comfortable with each other and probably have even more fun building intimacy and looking forward to the main course.

It Makes Sex Hotter:

For couples, making out makes sex hotter- building anticipation and just having fun with each other.  Try making rules- set a ten minute timer that’s only for kissing, then another timer that’s only for touching each other, and so on- by the time you get to sex you’ll be completely bonkers and have a wonderful time!

It’s Portable:

Making out can be done with your clothes on, or mostly on, so you can do it in a car or in a gazebo, in a movie theater or methadone clinic, or lots of places it wouldn’t be that great to have sex.  It’s not polite to do in a Denny’s, but many have.

In closing, the next time you’re with someone you’re into, consider making more out of making out!

Using Sex to Cope with Emotions

by zfortadminin Sex

My experience with hypersexuality involved meeting men on Craigslist expressly for the purpose of having sex.

I love sex. Maybe more than the average person. But having had an episode of bipolar hypersexuality — defined clinically as extremely frequent or suddenly increased sexual urges or sexual activity — I’m always careful when starting a new sexual relationship. I know that I can have a healthy sex life even with this struggle in my past, but it takes some careful attention to my situation and to my feelings.

My experience with hypersexuality involved meeting men on Craigslist expressly for the purpose of having sex. Other than work, finding the next sexual partner was my primary focus during that time. As is common with this condition, I couldn’t find the pleasure that I sought with these encounters, which made me seek out even more men. The driving force behind hypersexuality is actually bipolar mania, so without proper treatment or a change in my condition, my sexual behavior was not likely to change.

After having gone through this period of intense sexuality, I sometimes view my sexual appetite as a symptom. I’ve been careful to ask myself whether I’m really feeling someone’s vibe or if I’m about to have sex because I’m driven by other feelings. That helps me make sure that I’m well emotionally, my bipolar is under control, and that I’m about to be intimate with someone for the right reasons.

Recently, I was reminded of a period when I was driven by hypersexuality in a relationship. There is a man in my life, Steven, that I see every few years. It’s one of those situations where we just can’t get out of each other’s systems — you know what I mean. The last time he called me, I was a mess. I’d recently gotten out of the hospital and was still reeling from a breakup earlier that year. Of course, I agreed to see him and we got together a few times. But what I really wanted to do was see Steven more frequently. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, calling him, imagining how wonderful it would be if we just had more sex. When I didn’t get what I wanted from him, I went to dating sites — I’ll never go back to Craigslist — but couldn’t meet anyone. That’s when I knew that I was in trouble.

Fortunately, I confessed my behavior to my therapist while getting an adjustment in medication to keep the mania at bay. I learned that, yes, hypersexuality can be a symptom of my disease, but that it can also be a symptom of unregulated emotions. My experience with Steven was probably a little of both, since I’d been a bit lonely since my breakup and I saw sex as something that I could use to replace any other negative feelings I had. I know now that it’s not healthy for me to use physical intimacy as a substitute for my emotions.

Steven called me a few weeks ago and we did get together. These days I’m healthier and clearer about the role of sex in my life, and I decided to be with Steven because of my feelings for him and not as a surrogate for anything — or anyone — else. As a result, we can have a fulfilling, honest and healthy sexual relationship and I don’t have to worry about triggering an episode of hypersexuality or other unhealthy behavior. So far its going well for me, which I believe is working out well for Steven too. If you know what I mean.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

The Birds and the Bees …Has Adult Content Become the Tutor?

by zfortadminin Sex

THE other day, I got an email from a 21-year-old college senior about sex — or perhaps more correctly, about how ill equipped she was to talk about sex.

The abstinence-only curriculum in her middle and high schools had taught her little more than “don’t,” and she’d told me that although her otherwise liberal parents would have been willing to answer any questions, it was pretty clear the topic made them even more uncomfortable than it made her.

So she had turned to pornography. “There’s a lot of problems with porn,” she wrote. “But it is kind of nice to be able to use it to gain some knowledge of sex.”

I wish I could say her sentiments were unusual, but I heard them repeatedly during the three years I spent interviewing young women in high school and college for a book on girls and sex. In fact, according to a survey of college students in Britain, 60 percent consult pornography, at least in part, as though it were an instruction manual, even as nearly three-quarters say that they know it is as realistic as pro wrestling. (Its depictions of women, meanwhile, are about as accurate as those of the “The Real Housewives” franchise.)

The statistics on sexual assault may have forced a national dialogue on consent, but honest conversations between adults and teenagers about what happens after yes — discussions about ethics, respect, decision making, sensuality, reciprocity, relationship building, the ability to assert desires and set limits — remain rare. And while we are more often telling children that both parties must agree unequivocally to a sexual encounter, we still tend to avoid the biggest taboo of all: women’s capacity for and entitlement to sexual pleasure.

It starts, whether intentionally or not, with parents. When my daughter was a baby, I remember reading somewhere that while labeling infants’ body parts (“here’s your nose,” “here are your toes”), parents often include a boy’s genitals but not a girl’s. Leaving something unnamed, of course, makes it quite literally unspeakable.

Nor does that silence change much as girls get older. President Obama is trying — finally — in his 2017 budget to remove all federal funding for abstinence education (research has shown repeatedly that the nearly $2 billion spent on it over the past quarter-century may as well have been set on fire). Yet according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, fewer than half of high schools and only a fifth of middle schools teach all 16 components the agency recommends as essential to sex education. Only 23 states mandate sex ed at all; 13 require it to be medically accurate.

Even the most comprehensive classes generally stick with a woman’s internal parts: uteruses, fallopian tubes, ovaries. Those classic diagrams of a woman’s reproductive system, the ones shaped like the head of a steer, blur into a gray Y between the legs, as if the vulva and the labia, let alone the clitoris, don’t exist. And whereas males’ puberty is often characterized in terms of erections, ejaculation and the emergence of a near-unstoppable sex drive, females’ is defined by periods. And the possibility of unwanted pregnancy. When do we explain the miraculous nuances of their anatomy? When do we address exploration, self-knowledge?

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I Haven’t Lost My Virginity

by RJ Newellin Sex

When one person “loses” while another one “takes,” is it any surprise why so many of us feel shame years after that disappointing first time? 

It’s awkward to think about the first time. Some people are lucky enough to have become sexually active in a pleasurable way, but I didn’t. And I know I’m not alone. Most of us don’t talk about it, and a lot of us try not to think about it, either. But when my mind wanders back in time, why do I feel so ashamed?

It was consensual, I will say that. But saying “yes” to sex often means accepting what comes with it – whether it’s good, or bad.

It’s true that the way you lose your virginity can become the initial blueprint for a lot of sexual experiences afterwards. Emotional scars may resurface years later in the form of shame, blame, and fear. Both men and women blush when recalling that uncomfortable first time. It was the best of times, or (more likely) the worst.

It’s been nearly a decade since my first sexual experience. I’ve matured a lot, since then. You’d think I’d have moved on by now, and I thought I had. But sometimes, in vulnerable moments, I find myself still mourning that younger version of me.

  1. Did I “give it up” too soon?
  2. Have I truly lost my innocence?
  3. Or am I subscribing to an outdated rule that keeps women (and men) from owning themselves?

….I’m going with number 3. Here’s why.

“Virgin,” is a word usually used to describe someone who has not yet had sex. But according to the dictionary, virgin also means “not yet touched, used, or exploited.” As a young girl, I was told to “save it” for marriage. I was led to believe that if I had sex, I would be losing my innocence. As a girl, I was supposed to be a delicate flower, whose value diminished with the opening of her petals.

To “lose my virginity,” (in this old way of thinking) meant that I was giving my body to a man solely for his pleasure. “Losing it” meant that I would be used up, damaged, and degraded. My partner would be “taking” my virginity, and in essence, stealing my worth.

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