Make time for each other.
Responsibilities such as jobs, children, aging parents, and housekeeping can fill up your calendar quickly, leaving you no time or energy for each other. But intimacy can’t linger at the bottom of the list. Make spending quality time with each other a priority by scheduling dates, Hartlage recommends.
Ease into intimacy.
Trying to rush things can backfire. Instead, you may benefit from the common sexual exercise called sensate focus, Hartlage says. Sensate focus helps ease you into intimacy with your partner by progressing through stages. Initially, you disrobe with each other and spend time touching, avoiding genital touching and intercourse. Each partner gives the other positive feedback, telling what he or she likes. The next week, the couple does the same thing but adds genital touching. In the third week, the couple can progress to intercourse, Hartlage says.
Use videos, books, or toys to get in the mood.
Rutter recommends the Sinclair Institute’s website, where you can find information about sex and sexuality, as well as buy books, videos, and sex toys to increase your sexual satisfaction as a couple. You may be able to find books and videos that specifically address your issues. For instance, if pregnancy or a new baby is keeping you from becoming intimate, check out the video series about sex during and after pregnancy, and how to deal with changes in body image and sexual discomfort, Rutter says.
Consider other ways to be intimate.
If your focus is usually intercourse and climax, broadening your sexual activity by including oral sex, mutual masturbation, or fantasy sex play may help make the bedroom steamy again, Rutter says. Another idea is to plan an exciting sexual surprise for your partner, such as being intimate in a different place than usual, Hartlage suggests.
If fights with your partner are leaving you both cold, it’s vital that you work on resolving these issues. Some couples are very insightful and able to talk about problems without devolving into a raging argument, Rutter says. In that case, you may be able to talk it through yourselves. However, a lot of people will need to seek couples counseling. Finding solutions to conflict can warm things up in the bedroom and lead to sexual satisfaction.
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