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25 Clueless Comments Said to Me as a Widow, and 25 Responses I Wish I Could Have Said

by Kelley Lynnin Mind

In the just over 4 years that I have been a widow, I have had to sit in silence and bite my tongue through an endless array of insensitive or just plain stupid comments coming from both friends, family, acquaintances and co-workers, and yes, even total strangers. As the person who is grieving, we are told over and over again by society that “people just don’t know what to say” and they are “only trying to help”, and that they “mean well”, so therefore, we are supposed to just nod politely, smile and get on with things. Okay. I can do that, if that is what the world wants from me. However, I do think that just continuing to brush off people’s hurtful and often rude comments as “not knowing what to say” is unhealthy. The only way that people will ever learn what NOT to say to someone who is grieving the life they had and the person they loved most in this world, is to educate them. And since I’m a comedian, I choose to offer up my education in a comedic tone. So if you are reading this and you have no sense of humor, please go out to Wal-Mart or somewhere and get one. Then come back and have a good laugh.

The following is a list of 25 (in no particular order) actual comments that actual people actually said to me after my husband Don died very suddenly, with zero warning or symptom, in July of 2011, from a massive heart attack, at age 46. Below each actual comment, I have listed what I wish I could have said in response at the time, but of course, didn’t. Some of these comments were said to me right away after the death, and others were said as recently as last month. So, what does this accomplish? Well, for one thing, it’s fun to come up with pretend, smart-ass replies that I could never actually say in real life to these people. And secondly, the next time me or any of my dear brothers and sisters in widowhood have to put up with one of these or other insensitive comments, they can now laugh their asses off, thinking of what they wish they could say in response; as they nod their heads politely like a good widow (er) should.

Here is the dialogue that I wish could take place as part of normal and acceptable society:

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My 50 Shades of Grey: Interview with a True Sub

by Julia Solomonin Sex

I must admit, I’ve always been fascinated by the BDSM world which is why I jumped at the opportunity to interview someone who’s been immersed in the community for the past five and half years. For those who don’t know, BDSM is an acronym meaning Bondage & Discipline/ Domination & Submission/ Sadism & Masochism. Usually, the first thing that comes to my mind when I hear the term BDSM is someone getting spanked while down on all fours and a ball gag in their mouth. This may very well be the case for a lot of people who practice BDSM, but there is so much more in terms of the relationship that is built between the two people who practice – one usually being dominant (a “daddy” or “master”), the other being submissive.  My friend (who Is a sub, and shall remain anonymous), was kind enough to answer some questions I had.

What exactly is a Daddy/Master? What is a sub? What’s the dynamic of that relationship?

A Master (sometimes referred to as ‘Daddy’) is a man who, within the game, owns your body and mind. The two terms (Master and Daddy) are not always used interchangeably. My first foray into this world was with a Master and he liked to be referred to as either ‘Master’ or ‘Sir’ in the beginning. Once we became more emotionally bonded, I was able to call him ‘Daddy’ and we mostly stayed in that world of age-play (the parent/child dynamic).

The term ‘Master’ usually denotes a more dominant tone and there will be some tenderness during the sessions together, but your job as a sub (which is what you are if you have a master) is to please your Master; your pleasure is unimportant. With a Master, a sub will experience more humiliation and degradation games.

The term sub is short for submissive, so that applies to the person in the relationship that is NOT the Master; the sub’s job is to worship and please their Master.

A man who likes the ‘Daddy’ title is still the dominant one and, as the ‘baby’, your job is still to please your Daddy, but your Daddy is usually also very interested in pleasing his baby girl. You almost always receive more sweetness and affection from the Daddy/baby relationship.

When did you first get into the world of BDSM?

I first got into it when a guy I thought was cute asked me if I wanted to be owned and I was like, “What does that mean??” And then we engaged in a Master/sub relationship where I was walked on a leash, spanked, etc. and I loved it.

Which relationship dynamic do you personally prefer?

I prefer the Daddy dynamic. I like to be submissive, and I will take some humiliation, but I really enjoy the sweetness of cuddling and having my needs meet.

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The Fifty Shades Darker Trailer is the Most-Viewed Trailer Ever in Its First 24 Hours

by Sarah Ewaldin Sex

Guess who’s back? Back again?

Sexy rich man in tuxedo with whip and lover indoor black and white bdsmNot Slim Shady. Everyone’s favorite telecommunications boy-genius/BDSM enthusiast/master manipulator Christian Grey and blank slate/everygirl/victim Ana Steele. Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson reprise their roles as the aforementioned twosome in the installment based on E.L. James’ second book Fifty Shades Darker.

The first trailer for the movie debuted on Wednesday, Sept. 14th and has already become notable for setting a new record: The trailer became the most-viewed trailer within 24 hours of its release.

The Fifty Shades Darker trailer was viewed 114M times within the first day of its release. It performed well across digital platforms, and received 2.5M views on the movie’s Facebook page only in the U.S. Internationally, the trailer was viewed 74.6M times, over double the number of domestic views.

The previous record for most-viewed trailer in the 24-hour period after its debut was 2015’s Star Wars: The Force Awakens. That trailer received 112M views.

With these viewing numbers for an initial trailer, I think we can reasonably expect that the second movie will do fairly well in box office take when released. If past trends are anything to go by, the first movie sold a lot of advance tickets and became the “sixth R-rated movie to gross more than $500 million.”

Fifty Shades Darker will be released Feb. 10, 2017.

T&A IN BED WITH Jayson Thibault from Punch Drunk Sports Podcast

by T A Talk Sexin Sex

T&A hop in bed with Jayson to ask him personal questions, and he sure delivers honest answers – so fun! 

t&a in bed

Wow, we totally had a show topic for this week- and then Jayson Thibault from Punch Drunk Sports happened! Which made for an epic episode. His candid discussion about all things relationships, sex, family, and growing up with lesbian parents bring us to a higher level of honesty! How does a young boy growing up with all women affect him as a man? How does T growing up with her father affect her as a grown woman? A shares her personal story about her mom’s ovarian cancer, and how she handled the experience. And so much more real talk happens in this episode. Enjoy!

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/tatalksex/2016/10/20/why-waste-87-laps-around-the-sun-jayson-thibault-speaks-his-truth

My Start Into Online Dating After Losing My Husband Too Soon

by Kelley Lynnin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

So let’s get right to it. For the first 3.5 years after my beautiful husband died, the very idea of dating or “someone else”, literally made me sick to my stomach. It made me feel physically ill, and I couldn’t even discuss it without having a slight panic attack. The idea of someone else talking to me, touching me, or being anywhere near me, made me want to vomit. That’s just the way it was, and I didn’t spend much time thinking about it. I was in way too much grief to even come around to THINKING about how freakin’ lonely I was.

Then, around the beginning of year 4, there was a slight shift inside me, for no reason whatsoever, or because it was finally time for that shift to happen, that went from feeling physically ill – to feeling sort of “okay” with the idea, but still not willing to actively pursue anyone. Then, about 10 months ago, someone appeared out of the blue. This person was not pursuing me, and I was not pursuing them. But they appeared in such a way and at such a time that it felt like it was meant to happen. This person was not only a fellow widow(er), but also knew my husband. We started talking, and over time, building a budding and wonderful friendship. We met in person in March, and our connection felt more real, because now I could touch it. I could look into this person’s face, and in it, I saw not only kindness and a beautiful soul, but also being around this person face to face gave me this overwhelming feeling of protection and safety – like Don had specifically chosen this man to protect me, because he could no longer do it himself. The details of why I feel this way don’t matter here, because I want to protect this person’s privacy, but the time we spent together over those few days was meaningful, beautiful, and the perfect mix of familiar and brand new, all in the same moment.

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Maternal Mortality, Still an Issue…Especially in this State!

by Sarah Ewaldin Sex

You wouldn’t necessarily guess that *any* state in the U.S. has a high maternal mortality rate (i.e. mothers who die due to pregnancy- and birth-related complications), but one has that dubious honor. And that is the great state of Texas.

In the September issue of medical journal Obstetrics and Gynecology, a report found the following:

The maternal mortality rate in the United States increased between 2000 and 2014, even while the rest of the world succeeded in reducing its rate. Excluding California, where maternal mortality declined, and Texas, where it surged, the estimated number of maternal deaths per 100,000 births rose to 23.8 in 2014 from 18.8 in 2000 – or about 27%.

Bet you didn’t expect that, right? (I certainly didn’t.) But how bad is it really?

From 2000 to the end of 2010, Texas’s estimated maternal mortality rate hovered between 17.7 and 18.6 per 100,000 births. But after 2010, that rate had leaped to 33 deaths per 100,000, and in 2014 it was 35.8. Between 2010 and 2014, more than 600 women died for reasons related to their pregnancies.

Texas is part of the developed world, so the maternal mortality rate surge cannot be explained by “war, natural disaster, or severe economic upheaval.” So what is it?

In recent years, Texas has severely decreased women’s access to spaces that offer medical services for reproductive health. In 2011, “the Texas state legislature cut $73.6M from the state’s family planning budget of $111.5M.” This measure resulted in 80 clinics closing across the state. Planned Parenthood clinics were also completely eliminated, which cut off access to reproductive health measures for lower-income women especially. Planned Parenthood had previously served 130K+ women across the state.

While Texas restored the family planning budget to its original level in 2013, the damage was already done: Many clinics are still struggling to provide the same level of care and service they provided before the cut. But Texas clinics are now offering free IUDs, so there’s some hope they’ll be flourishing soon.

The Love and Kisses That Are Motivating Sports

by zfortadminin LOVE

“If kissing us on the cheek before games gets us wins, then it works.” ~ Garrett Davis

ANNAPOLIS, Md. — When the University of Houston’s football players arrive for a game, they know what to expect as a prelude to the coming hours of brutality as they file into the stadium: a kiss on the cheek from their head coach, Tom Herman.

It is an unusual ritual in a sport that embodies America’s most rigid ideals of manhood.

“A kiss on the cheek is when he shows his love for us,” Houston safety Garrett Davis said, adding, “No one here is thinking, ‘Oh, I shouldn’t let him kiss me.’”

Physical expressions of affection certainly exist in big-time sports. Nothing says “Good job!” in baseball like a firm pat on the behind from a coach, and in international soccer it is not uncommon to see teammates peck each other on the cheek after a big play.

But kisses in football’s gladiatorial culture seem as incongruous as a Gatorade shower at the ballet.

For Herman, 41, there is no better way to demand the painful sacrifices of the game than to forthrightly convey his affection for his players.

“How do you motivate a human being to do things against his own nature?” Herman said in an interview. “There’s two things: love and fear. And to me, love wins every time.”

Davis said the players were taken aback early last season, Herman’s first as the head coach, when Herman planted a kiss on the strength coach Yancy McKnight during practice. Then he extended the ritual to all his players before their first game.

“I’m a bit confused as to why it’s garnered so much attention and why it’s seemed so odd,” Houston Coach Tom Herman, 41, said of his ritual of kissing and hugging players.

“I was not expecting it, but knowing him, I was not surprised at all,” tight end Tyler McCloskey said.

Alluding to that first game, a 52-24 victory over Tennessee Tech, Davis said, “If kissing us on the cheek before games gets us wins, then it works.”

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How My Relationship and My Self Esteem Benefit from Meditation

by Eliza Hurwitzin LOVE, Mind, Wellness

I started with just five minutes of a guided meditation in the morning…

A little over a year ago I was suffering from anxiety, low self-esteem, and I felt paralyzed by fear. I’m a natural-born worrier, but this was different. It felt irreparable. My emotions began to take a toll on my physical health, including severe stomach pain which caused me to go to the emergency room, where I was prescribed medication to treat my symptoms. seek medication for stomach pain. I blamed my stress on a lack of a steady job and inadequate income. My relationship with my boyfriend, which had been so solid, had turned rocky. I found myself fixating on things that I never had before. We live together and if he didn’t buy toilet paper, for example, you would’ve thought I caught him having an affair.

But it was only until I looked inward, that I truly began to understand the root of my problems. I was the one causing my inner stress and inner turmoil; therefore, it stood to reason that I also had the power to transform it. I decided to seek the help of a friend who had struggled with anxiety and she told me about meditation. Like many of you, I’ve heard the benefits of meditation touted spouted for years, but I was convinced that this practice just wasn’t for me. I’m just not patient enough to just sit. I’m restless. It’s simply a waste of time, I told myself thought to myself. I had my morning routine already, coffee, a shower, and out the door. I am a creature of habit, and though this routine wasn’t serving me well, I clung to it. Feeling as low as I did, however, was the catalyst I needed I was ready to change.

I started with just five minutes of a guided meditation in the morning, and though I didn’t feel immediately transformed, I did notice that I was able to take on the challenges of the day with ease and a lightheartedness that I hadn’t felt for a very long while. For example, when I missed the subway, that morning, for example instead of dwelling on the frustration of the later train’s crowded morning commute and how I might get in trouble at work, I let the anger roll off my shoulders . I noticed the mood shift within myself and continued to meditate every morning since then.

Before I started meditating, when I would come home to find a messy kitchen, I would react angrily before thinking. I would yell at my boyfriend, place all the blame on him, without even asking wondering how his day had been was. Through mindfulness meditation I’ve learned to be patient, compassionate and more understanding, which I came to realize is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Through meditation, I realized my expectations of what should happen were unrealistically high,held too high, so high that I was judging my boyfriend and other people, when I felt they had made a mistake or didn’t act accordingly. Though it has taken a long time, I am now able to see beyond my judgements in order to distinguish the reality behind a situation.

Letting go of negative thoughts and recognizing them for what they are, merely thoughts, I found I had stopped judging myself so harshly. My self-esteem was greatly improved, I felt confident in myself once again. I realized that my low self-confidence was a result of false beliefs about myself and my capabilities, I was judging myself just as harshly as I was my boyfriend. Meditation helped me see past these negative perceptions.

Meditating helps me to slow down and not get caught up in my anxiety. If I find myself feeling overly stressed throughout the day or following a worrying thought down all the possible negative outcomes, I take just 30 seconds to focus on my breath. Inhale, exhale, repeat, and then, I return to the present. I let my negative thoughts pass on by. I breathe in the present moment and exhale all expectations. Through meditating, I’m able to find the joy in every moment, because there really is so much to be grateful for.

Two Years Later My Tinder Date Finally Paid Off!

by Lisa Lauretain LOVE

“I’m in finance.”

Oh, great, that’s a decent response to the ever common, “so, what do you do for work?” dating question. I was especially relieved at this response considering the fact that on my Tinder profile I specified, “no comics.” I had just broken up with a comic, the third of which I had dated, and I was, as they say, “over it.”

There’s a certain unmatched immaturity and weird competitiveness that comes from these special little beings, particularly when they’re paired up with a female comic such as myself. Now, don’t get me wrong, not all comics are assholes. But a great many of them are, and when they’re not, they’re often quite immature, or very sexist, or extremely egotistical, or unbearably cynical and insensitive, or terrible with their finances and in incredible amounts of debt, or just overall difficult to have any real conversations or sweet moments with. But again, they’re not all like that. Just the ones I’ve dated. And met. And heard about.

But it wasn’t just comics I was trying to avoid. I wanted someone far away from the entertainment industry as a whole, which can often be a challenge when dating in a place like Los Angeles, but here we were. Finance. Lucky me!

We were both really excited to meet, but I was working a day job in addition to an internship at a comedy theater in exchange for free classes. My schedule was slightly hectic and he and I lived a “far” distance from each other. (I was in the valley and he was in Hollywood, which in any other part of the country would be close, but in LA we might as well have been in different states) These circumstances meant that it would take awhile for us to set something up.

As time went by, he was seemingly more frustrated with the wait. His impatience was becoming quite clear, but he was cute and I was still serial dating at the time. We had sexted a couple of times and he seemed like he might be fun in that area of life. My policy at that point was to say yes to a date with anyone and everyone because at the very least I’d have a great story. So when someone got an attitude with me, I didn’t really care. I wasn’t looking for “Mr. or Ms. Right” at the time. I was looking for someone to have wild sex with, or at the very least give me something entertainingly bad to talk about later.

Eventually after a bit of whining and attitude, he told me he might be able to meet me during his lunch hour on a Monday. He worked from home but could pull himself away at around 1 if that was okay with me. Best part about it up until this point was the meeting place he chose: Target. There’s a Target in Hollywood with outdoor seating, in a sort of strip mall-type atmosphere. So that’s where we met. Not for lunch, just to meet. It was clear by this point that he wasn’t even intrigued enough to pay for a meal, or even go halfsies. Despite my policy of saying yes to everyone, I hadn’t had a super douchey date yet. Up until this point, that is.

I couldn’t really figure it out. He would sip on his green can of Monster energy drink while telling me things like, “you’d probably be a pretty good cam girl. You could make like…15 bucks an hour I bet.” He talked about his ex girlfriend a little more than most would consider to be polite on a first date. We also talked about my comedy a little bit. I told him I just received an email about the Last Comic Standing audition at the Hollywood Improv. I showed him the email because I was excited, and he said, “Oh, so, it’s probably like an open mic or something.” I explained that, no, this was an invite-only type of situation, to which he replied, “But probably a lot of people get invited, like thousands I’m sure, right? ‘Cause they have to have bad people to film at those things.”

I didn’t get it. Why was this guy being such a jerk, and why was he acting like every comic I’d ever dated? Was I wrong in thinking that the competitive asshole element would be removed if I dated someone outside of my chosen career path? Why was this guy starting to turn into the green monster that he drank before very my eyes?

I left the “date” feeling strange and almost defeated. What was it all for? I wasn’t even left with a good story. It was just…icky. I put it out of my brain for the most part but every now and then I would think about how odd it all was. About four months ago I deleted our message thread, which I had forgotten even existed, during a phone cleanse.

A few weeks ago I asked a neighbor if she had any good dog watchers/walkers that she could recommend. I was preparing for a trip and wanted to get a good person at a decent price so I was asking around. She texted me the contact numbers of three people and said they were all great. I went to contact the third one and realized…he was already in my phone! IT WAS HIM!!! The asshole “finance” guy was a dog walker?! No WAY!? I texted my neighbor to tell her and here’s how the conversation went:

Me: One of your dog walkers is a guy I went on a TERRIBLE tinder date with! I went to message him and he was already in my phone! Eep!

Neighbor: Wait whaaaaaaat!!! (Dog Walker’s Name)??? Lololol

Me: It’s funny too cause I saw him walking (Dog’s Name) once and was like, that looks like that (Dog Walker) guy, nah, no way, he said he was like a big shot finance guy. Can’t be (Dog Walker).

Neighbor: What?? Rly??? He is like an unemployed comedian.

Boom. And there you have it. The explanation. And a justification. It suddenly all made sense! The way he always came back with a snarky remark when I texted, “Tonight won’t work, I have a show.” The way he acted when I told him about my audition, and the way he acted in general. Everything finally added up! He was just another in a long line of asshole comics.

So the date wasn’t completely pointless. I guess I did get a pretty decent story out of it after all.

That Tape! and My Triggered Flood of Shame Memories Starting At Age 6

by Amy Albertin LOVE

I felt the over bearing weight of shame that I did not deserve or provoke….Have you ever felt that?

Shame doesn’t really care who’s taking it on, even if it’s not deserved.

When I was asked to write about the Donald Trump media leak of him bragging about sexually assaulting women, I thought it wouldn’t’ be hard to conjure up some opinions on the subject. I am, after all, a woman who has a vagina that could possibly be up for grabs by him, so yes please, I’d like to tell you what I think. However, as I sat down to write about it, my thoughts became all jumbled and messy, and I would begin draft after draft only to erase the whole thing and start over. Why was I having so much trouble writing an objective piece on hearing a man who is running for President of the United States talk so openly about grabbing and kissing women?

I took a long time to sort out my thoughts, and when I finally did, what I discovered was an ocean of bad memories of my own sexual assaults, with the first being when I was six years old. I pushed these memories out of my mind, covered them up with other happier memories, like my wedding day and the birth of my daughter. But now, here they were. All dusty and dirty, occupying space in my mind. So now I guess I have to deal with these feelings. Fuck.

The first memory from when I was a little girl happened around my home by a kid I knew. He didn’t rape me, or molest me, but he did expose his penis to me and grabbed my hand to make me touch it. He was 13.

While I don’t remember many details of what lead up to that event, I do remember the feeling that came over me that I later recognized as shame. For the first time at six years old, I felt the over bearing weight of shame that I did not deserve or provoke. It was thrust upon me and in a span of no more than 10 seconds; this feeling became a part of me, and reared its ugly head a lot over the years.

I felt shame again when I was 10 and a brother of a kid in my school chased me and grabbed my chest really hard, then ran away laughing, and again when I was 19 and a guy in my group of friends pulled down my top to expose my breasts then jammed his hand down my pants, and again when I was in my 20’s and the manager of a fine dining restaurant I worked at for a few years harassed me, sexualized and bullied me so much I started to feel nauseous on the way to work.

When I sit down and define what the feeling of shame actually is for me, it’s a combination of fear that I will somehow be in trouble if I report it or don’t go along with it, that no one will believe me anyway, and that it will automatically be assumed that I did something to provoke this unwanted behavior.

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My Boyfriend Didn’t Believe I Had an STI

by Rachel Meghanin Sex

I got the call from my gynecologist while in a van with four of my friends.

I was sitting in the front seat when I got a call from an unknown number. Obviously I don’t usually pick up when there isn’t a caller ID, but for some reason that was the day I decided to do so. I picked up the phone to hear my gyno’s voice.

“I just wanted to let you know that the results of your Pap smear are in. You’ve tested positive for HPV.” He didn’t sugar coat it.

Hanging up the phone in shock, my friends started to ask me what was wrong. I’m really bad at hiding my feelings, so I told them. They encouraged me to call my ex-boyfriend and let him know. So when we pulled over for gas, I got out of the car and called him.

This was not a good time in my life for me. My ex was extremely abusive to the point where I had a breakdown and temporarily moved across the country to get away from him. But even then, he was still torturing me from a distance. He would call me and tell me how much he missed me, but would insert backhanded compliments and straight digs about me at a time where I was extremely vulnerable. I was only 20 then, and he was my first love, so I had no idea how to fully rid myself of him.

He picked up the phone, surprised to hear from me in the middle of the day. His voice was sweet, but I knew it was just a disguise for how menacing he could truly be. I timidly told him the news.

“So my gyno called.”

“…..and?”

“And….he said I tested positive for HPV.”

My ex was silent on the other line for a moment. I didn’t know what he would say. I was hoping for some sort of support. Instead, I got questioned.

“Are you sure you got it from me?”

“Yes. You’re the only person I’ve had sex with in the past year.”

“What about the guy you lost your virginity to?”

The guy I lost my virginity to was someone I had sex with when I was 18 to get my first time “out of the way”. He was also a virgin at the time, and ended up coming out of the closet two months later. I got tested immediately after having sex with him, and everything was completely healthy. So there’s no way it could have been him.

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T&A In Bed With Lahna Turner, Comedian of The Perfect 10 podcast

by T A Talk Sexin LOVE

Lahna Turner, comedian, musician, and podcaster of The Perfect 10, opens up with our playful questions – thx for being so honest, Lahna!

t&a in bed with Lahna Turner

On our podcast with Lahna: EP 114! In homage to the fall and the change of season, we’re talking all about endings and new beginnings, with comedien Lahna Turner. ‘A’ shares her relationship revelations from a session with a psychic that changed her romantic life, then Lahna gets candid and raw about currently going through a divorce and we get the full story of how ‘Limeade’, her new comedic, visual album from the title parady of Beyonce’s ‘Lemonade’ came into being. Plus, a lively debate over how to handle the death of intimacy after children enter the picture with a real-life mom, and then we cap it off with ‘New Dick’, Lahna’s HILARIOUS new song from Limeade.
Listen here: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/tatalksex/podcast

Lesbians Report More Orgasms Than Straight Women

by Sarah Ewaldin Sex

That headline got your attention, didn’t it?

Yes, it’s true: Women with same-sex partners orgasm more than women in heterosexual partnerships and also bisexual women.

A 2014 study by Garcia, Lloyd, Wallen and Fisher examined the orgasm frequency of 6K+ women and men. (No word on how it broke down via gender and orientation identifications.) Participants self-selected to take the 2011 survey. Data was used from 1.4K+ men and 1.3K+ women who’d had sex within the past year.

The study found that heterosexual women experienced an orgasm 61%+ of the time, bisexual women had an orgasm 58% of the time, and lesbian women had an orgasm 74%+ of the time. Needless to say, those are some very large gaps to attribute to orientation.

But why is this? There are a few reasons: First, a woman would theoretically be able to get her female partner off more easily, because she’s working with the same equipment (so to speak). She would also be more comfortable with her own body, allowing her to orgasm more. Another reason mentioned is a bit more about social conditioning in terms of sexual etiquette: A 2013 study reveals that women in heterosexual partnerships don’t expect to have an orgasm during a sexual encounter, whereas women in homosexual partnerships do have that expectation.

Cuddle Therapy is Most Desired By…

by Rachel Meghanin RELATIONSHIPS, Sex

We all crave some sort of physical attention. But is it possible to get this without having sex?

Personally, I’ve always desired sensual relationships more than sexual. This could be because of my asexual orientation, or simply because I’m a particularly sensitive person. I never really fantasized about sex. I’ve had sex plenty of times, sure, but it was never my preferred method of intimacy. Because of this, I don’t particularly desire anything beyond close friendships. It’s perfectly possible to have an intimate emotional relationship to someone that isn’t a significant other without it leading to sex.

Preferring Sensual Over Sexual

It takes a very rare bond to engage in sensual acts with a friend. An unnameable kind of connection that requires a very specific type of validation. In my case, I tend to crave physical touch from my friends. Instead of getting drunk and having sex with a stranger, I would get drunk and hug my friends a lot. Especially men, because of how myself and plenty of other women have been conditioned to seek male validation in every form.

I remember being with my ex-boyfriend and trying to get him to be sensual with me. He was a very aggressively sexual person, so it always had to turn into some sort of sex act. He wouldn’t be able to cuddle for too long before we ended up with our clothes off. I would try to lay my head in his lap get him to play with my hair, but he just didn’t get it. At the end of the day, I realized I wanted more of a platonic relationship with him and other men I dated, leading to my identification as asexual.

Types of Asexuality

There is a wide spectrum of asexuality, and can range from:

  • Having no desire for sex
  • Sexual attraction to someone only if you have a specific emotional connection
  • Aromantic seek physical non-sexual touch while maintaining romantic attraction
  • Desire for Cuddling and deep emotional conversations, but never a desire to kiss

The existence of sexual acts do not define a relationship, as it’s perfectly possible to have a healthy romantic connection without them.

Cuddling Therapy

There is a market for people who seek intimacy with a stranger. There are also professionals out there who make a living by cuddling people.

A website called cuddlist.com advertises “therapeutic, non-sexual cuddle session(s) with a certified professional cuddler”. However, booking a cuddler for $80 an hour might not be as effective as cuddling with someone you love, platonic or not. Platonic intimacy is still grounded in a personal attachment, so to some professional cuddling does not hold the same kind of significance.

The fact that the cuddling website specifies that it is “non-sexual” is a crucial point. In a way, this kind of service almost becomes a type of platonic prostitution, in a sense. While it may not hold the same significance as cuddling with a friend or significant other, it does demonstrate an alternative for a solution to emotional and physical desire, specifically for those who don’t necessarily seek out sex.

Crushes

Could platonic intimacy lead to something more? Sure. In my experience, romantic crushes can easily develop without any sort of sexual connotation as a result of this kind of intimacy. I’ve always been the type to meet someone and become their friend before becoming romantically attracted to them, as the idea of dating someone for the purpose of getting into a relationship scares me. My desire for the person grows, wanting them close to me physically without even realizing that I’m developing a crush on them. It’s hard to explain how such a thing happens, and as an asexual person it can be hard to distinguish a crush from a desire to love in a platonic way.

Kissing Just to Kiss

In the case of more sexually driven people, however, it can be very common for platonic cuddling to turn into something more. Many people are able to jump from nonsexual intimacy to sex very quickly. I remember trying to explain to someone that I desired to make out with a guy I knew, to which that person replied that maybe I scared him off by wanting to sleep with him. I realized that the mindset that many sexual people have is that kissing leads directly to sex, and in many cases it’s true, but the idea of not going beyond first base is much more desireable to others.

So is it possible to cuddle with a friend or loved one and not have it turn to sex? Absolutely. It honestly depends on the level of the person’s sex drive, and how they identify themselves. For many people including myself, it’s the primary way of demonstrating affection, and can lead to a very special strong emotional bond.

The act of kissing or cuddling with a close friend can be more than enough for some.