True Love Lessons from Sierra: Honesty Is the Best Policy

August 12, 2017January 22, 2024 by Sierra Mercierin LOVE

Secrets are like weeds. They might seem small and harmless, but over time they grow.

I’m Sierra. My husband Andre and I were the first couple to win The Knot’s Dream Wedding. Follow me as I share how I attracted true love into my life. I’ll share tips and stories that help open your heart to all love’s possibilities. Please watch or read the full transcript of my video below.

We’re going to share lots of love stories.

Ola! Mi Amigos! From Peru! “Honesty Is the Best Policy.” “The Truth Will Set You Free.” These might be oldies but they’re goodies.

This subject can be hard to accept sometimes but deep down, in my heart of hearts, I know it to be true. In order to have the fullest, most loving, successful relationship you need to be completely honest about everything.

Once you’re in a long term, committed relationship there’s no keeping secrets.

Secrets are like weeds. At first they might seem small and harmless, but over time those weeds grow and get bigger. The longer time goes by, the harder it is to yank the roots out. So it’s best just to be honest from the start.

I learned this the hard way.

Once upon a time, I kept something from Andre because I thought it would upset him. Over time it began to fester and pain me. It was difficult to come out and be truthful but once I did I felt so much better and it made me never want to keep anything from him again.

Having an honest relationship has allowed for trust to build and a relationship built on trust is powerful!

Love this video? Watch all of Sierra’s True Love Lessons on LOVE TV.

Could The Eclipse Still Have An Effect On Your Relationship?

September 20, 2017January 22, 2024 by Meg Scanlonin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

The planets and solar eclipse may affect our love lives here on earth. Here’s how.

On August 21, 2017, we experienced a very rare and very cool natural phenomenon: a solar eclipse. Hopefully, you went out there at the designated time for your city and put on your NASA approved solar shades. Or maybe you made a homemade viewing device out of cereal boxes or tin foil and caught a glimpse of this amazing moment.

But, did you know that astrologists believe that this event can have a major impact on your personal life and relationships? Maybe you experienced some of this solar eclipse astrology first hand? Was it good, bad, or ugly? Maybe all three?

But first — here’s how to think about astrology.

We all know our sign. We may even ask people what their sign is (although hopefully not as a cheesy pick up line). But what does it really mean? Is it really a player in our everyday lives?

According to astrology, our individual birth dates profoundly impact who we are. CafeAstrology.com explains it as, “the study of the correlation between the astronomical positions of the planets and events on earth.” It’s the energetic connection between all things.

For those who use horoscopes, they see it as about knowing yourself from a specific sense and using that information to live your best life. “[Understanding ourselves] and others through the astrological lens makes us more capable of healing, compassion and forgiveness” says AstrologyHub.com. “And a deep understanding of your basic blueprint gives you permission to express, with uncensored abandon, your unique gifts and talents in the world.”

Astrology is more than just horoscopes, however — it has a long history. Astrologer and journalist Donna Woodwell expresses, “Astrology is a vast and ancient art. Some form of astrology is practiced by many indigenous cultures around the world as they’ve sought to discover meaningful connections in the appearance of events in the sky with humanity’s more mundane world.” When you view it through this sense, it is a very cool metaphor for our connection to nature and the cosmos.

Solar eclipse astrology is known to bring about change and shake things up in our lives.

Donna Woodwell explains that “eclipses are all about working with shadows. A solar eclipse is literally the Moon’s shadow falling on the surface of the Earth. Metaphorically speaking, eclipses then are moments when we must face our individual and collective shadow, to allow us to find healing through a new level of understanding.”

Wow! This is getting real! Relationships can be our greatest teachers. They can mirror back to us what we may be too fearful to look inside and see within. They can bring light to our biggest fears and unhealed emotional wounds. Eclipses are about change and moving us forward. They are often a major turning point for us. They bring the truth out into the light.

Eclipses are seen as bringing big life events with them.

Astrologer Susan Miller states, “An eclipse can bring news of a birth of a baby, an engagement or marriage, a promotion or career breakthrough, important travel, the signing of a vital business contract, or the start of one’s own business.” She adds, “Monumental events, meetings and partings, or changes within your career may also take place at an eclipse.”

Solar eclipses bring about positive changes and beginnings. So look out for positive steps forward in a relationship, new career opportunities and other new adventures.

An important person may be literally “eclipsed” out of your life.

Susan Miller explains, “A solar eclipse generally points to a prominent male in your life, so often a man may leave. If you are to be affected, you may break up a relationship with a man, or see that your boss has quit and is leaving, as another example.”

The symbolism! Now that your heart is racing, here’s some relief — Miller says that it only happens occasionally. So while not highly likely, you should be aware that the change that comes could possibly be of the painful variety. And sometimes people being eclipsed out of our lives is a necessary, albeit difficult, change.

Eclipses don’t affect everyone the same, and for some it may be ongoing.

Susan Miller explains that not all of these changes will affect every person. She goes into the details here. The specifics have to do with your birthdate, sign, personal chart, and other factors.

So, too, will the timeline of effects be different for everyone. Maharani Rutan, a certified Vedic Reader, says “it is often noted that things which happen, focusing around the eclipse do not happen on the day of the eclipse, but could reasonably happen months later as triggers of other events or planetary changes interacting with changes.”

So keep on the lookout for these happenings in your life and relationships. Maybe you noticed things on the day, a few days later, or maybe some surprises are still to come!

For more reading on our astrological love lives, check out “Time for Feathers?! Date Ideas for the Chinese Year of the Rooster” or “7 Rules For Tapping Your Intuition in Love.”

I’m Done Trying to Shrink Myself to Please You

September 27, 2017January 22, 2024 by Becca Martinin Mind, Wellness

Losing yourself in a relationship can happen both literally and figuratively. If you’ve felt this way, the following stream-of-consciousness work may resonate with you.

My entire life I’ve always felt bigger than most, especially since I’m a 5’10” female.

Growing up I was always jealous of my friends with petite bodies and natural thigh gaps. I selfishly always wondered why I couldn’t have been blessed in that way.

I’ve always tried to shrink down, to change myself, to appear smaller and hide in the back of photos to try to cover myself. I always tried to be less than I was because I always feared being too much.

One night, I was talking to my male friend at a bar in our hometown. He’s noticeably shorter than I am and I tried to slouch, to bend down, to be ashamed that I am taller, and bigger, than he is. It made me feel extremely uncomfortable.

This is not a new insecurity — it’s a feeling I’ve felt so many times but it’s a feeling that doesn’t get easier.

As I started trying to squeeze and slide through people at the bar on my way back to my friends, I realized that I had to stop feeling this way as others were bumping into me without any disregard or apology. I realized then that just like them I’m allowed to take up space. I realized that I might be tall, but that doesn’t make me any less of a woman, or person for that matter. It doesn’t matter that my thighs touch or that my stomach is a little round. None of that matters because I’m enough the way I am. I only feel lesser when I start comparing myself to other people.

Comparison is the killer — the reason I feel less and my insecurities arise.

I always tried to shrink down not only to please myself, but other people.

I tried to make other people more comfortable than myself, and I knew that had to change. Something had to give.

I realized I’m allowed to take up space, just like you are. I’m allowed to be exactly who I am with or without other people’s approval because as long as I’m enough for me that’s got to be enough. I’ve always given to others, even when I didn’t have much to give. I’ve always talked my friends up while looking down on myself. I’ve always been my own worst enemy. That night in the bar when I was getting elbowed trying to gently squeeze past people who didn’t even care to acknowledge that they were bumping into me. I finally realized I don’t deserve to treat myself that way anymore. I deserve to love myself, be proud of myself and take care of myself.

Trying to hide who I am to make other people feel more comfortable makes no sense.

I’ve done things like change my personality, pretend I don’t feel passionate about certain topics, try to quiet who I really am because I don’t want to appear too much. But through that it made me realize that I am exactly who I am and I can’t change that, nor do I want to.

I’m not going to be for everyone, it’s not possible — just like everyone isn’t for me.

There will be people who don’t like me, people who will think I’m too much or too little, people who will judge me before they know me, and that’s okay. I’m no longer worried about being enough for everyone else, as long as I’m enough for myself.

I don’t need to attract everyone; I just need to attract the right people who love me for me.

Never again will I try to shrink down parts of me to please someone else because I’m done being afraid to take up space. I’m allowed to take up space. I’m allowed to express myself. I’m no longer afraid to be “too much” or “too little” for anyone, as long as I’m enough for myself.

If you resonated with this story of losing yourself in a relationship, listen to this incredible spoken word poem on the same theme by writer Lily Myers:

There are many ways you can be losing yourself in a relationship. Check out this article about the intersection of weight loss and love for another perspective.

Is Your Dating Out Of This World? Here’s How to Find What Planet You Are

December 15, 2017January 22, 2024 by CJ Atkinsonin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Find out where your love life is living these days.

It was another break up that led to me and my friends trying to work out if there was a single cliche that might make it feel better. We skipped over “It’s not you, It’s me” and “I just need some space,” before we crash landed on “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”. We cackled, because it’s such a trite, easy description – men are from way over there somewhere while women are from right over the other side there, right?

However, it’s the 21st century and genders and sexualities are more fluid than ever before. Whether you’re gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, queer or other, sometimes the person you’re crazy about can feel like they’re from a completely different planet. Is every relationship going to be a forever one? Probably not, but that doesn’t mean that you won’t want to whip out your passport and go on a cosmic vacation.

It’s not the planet you’re born on, but the one that you’re visiting together. Keep reading to see which planet your love-life is living on right now.

The Sun

The Sun is the big one, or the big one for now. We’ve all been there – the passion and heat are matched with the incredible amount of energy you get from being in this relationship. They’re all-consuming, and you can feel it from your head to your toes. On the downside, it can be easy to be blinded to the rest of the world when you’re in something as bright as this, and you might end up feeling a little burned.

The Moon

If you’re like me, you’ve more than once looked at the moon and thought “Wow, this is beautiful”, or on a full moon, wondered why people are going a little wild. That’s the draw of it, after all: the mystery. Maybe it’s your first foray into a grown-up relationship, or this is a relationship that’s broken the mold of your usual habits. It’s ineffable, and intriguing, and incredibly sexy. While shaking things up and trying new things is always a good idea, remember that it’s okay to admit when things are a phase.

Mercury

Let’s just say it: wit is sexy. This is one for people who like to be laughed into bed, and there are some people who just have it. Maybe they’re not your usual type, but there’s something about the killer combination of cheekiness and smarts that might as well be an erogenous zone of its own. That being said, for it to work you want to make sure that there’s some substance there or you might find yourself frustrated by the non-stop jokes.

Venus

Sometimes you meet someone that makes your insides feel like every 80’s love ballad, and you find yourself recasting the romance cover for your love story(Fabio optional). It’s overblown and a little ridiculous, and if you were to look at it from the outside you might find yourself feeling like vomiting quietly into a seasickness bag. We’ve all been there, it’s gross, and weird, and wonderful, and overblown and incredibly fun. Stop being so sensible and enjoy the moments for what they are, and give yourself over to the fact that sometimes the world hands you what you need.

Mars

Hold onto your hats, you’re in for some stormy weather. This is one of those relationships where you’ve mastered the art of the throw down. Do you love to hate each other? Do you hate to love each other? Does it matter when the sex is as explosive as the arguing?

Jupiter

Have you ever walked into a room and seen somebody standing, holding court? Or maybe that person is you. For a certain personality type (I admit it, like me), the life and soul of the party is an incredible place to be, and it gets better when you get to bring that party home and into your bed. For people who feel relationship jealousy, it can be difficult to be in the place where you’re sharing the attention, but that’s also a really important life lesson to learn.

Saturn

There’s a reason that Saturn is a mystery – even when you’re living it, it’s hard to explain. This is one of those relationships which lifts the phone bill – and your attention span – right up where they belong. When you talk, it’s deep, and intellectual, but also really connected to your body. You can talk for hours, but at some point that turns into a conversation with your bodies. Savor the feeling of being holistically linked with someone, and connecting to your deeper selves.

Uranus

Stop giggling in the back (or start, after all, laughter is widely acknowledged as one of the more potent aphrodisiacs). Whimsical and odd, this relationship feels like you’re in the middle of a Wes Anderson film. If you’re somebody who likes order and logic this might be tricky, but reach out of your comfort zone and try something new. You never know, you might like it.

Neptune

If you’ve ever wondered what’s sexy about water, try going on a date to an aquarium, or take a walk with your favorite person (or people) along a shoreline – there’s something otherworldly about this kind of connection to the world that we live in. Passionate, experimental, confusing – some relationships feel like a hot tap, where it can turn on and off before you’ve ever had the chance to settle into your groove. It can definitely wake you up, even it becomes something which feels a little unsteady. It’s good to learn to be adjustable, and to experience new things, but remember that it’s totally okay to set the limits of what you’re comfortable with.

Pluto

Is it a planet? Is it a celestial snowball? Is this a relationship? Did they just disappear? You might as well call this one Planet of the Ghosts – it was all going so well, and then suddenly it’s been three weeks and where have they gone?. Remember: it’s not your fault, sometimes these things happen. The good news is that one day you’ll be able to look back with a kind of nostalgia, and forgive yourself for going through a difficult time.

Earth

It’s the Goldilocks planet for a reason – is it perfect? Not at all, because relationships so rarely are. There are definitely things which could go better, and there are seasons as things change. There are even some points when it can feel like, well, the end of the world. Yet when it comes down to it, it’s just right.

Remember that these relationships aren’t good or bad on their own, and each one should be exciting in its own way. Relax, enjoy it, and savor that relationship for what it is, and not what you want it to be.

Related to this story? Read more about why sometimes you have to wait until it feels right on Love TV.

Why the Advice “You’ll Find Love When You Stop Looking” Could be More Harmful Than Helpful

June 12, 2018January 22, 2024 by Jillian Pretzelin DATING ADVICE, LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

This cliché line is helping exactly… no one. So why are we still saying it?

When you’re single and looking for love, you’re bound to hear some useless (and cliché) dating advice.

You might be familiar with famous eye-rollers such as: “You just need to get out more” or “Just have fun, don’t overthink it.” Sigh.

But one piece of advice sticks out to me as particularly unhelpful: “You’ll find love when you stop looking.”

Don’t get me wrong, I understand where this idea comes from. After all, it sort of makes sense: if you’re not stressed out about finding love you’ll probably feel more relaxed, conversations will feel less forced, and you might even be more likely to take chances.

But there’s a problem with this “stop looking” logic.

Dr. Pepper Schwartz, a relationship expert (best known for Lifetime’s Married at First Sight), points out that it’s like saying, “You’ll find a job when you’re least looking for it.”

“It’s possible,” she says, “but rarely happens.” She adds that,“For the most part, people who wait for a job are unemployed. For me, it’s just an excuse for being scared to go and put the effort in. Yes, it happens, but no, it’s not a good strategy.”

And sure, maybe one day someone great will fall into your lap: you’ll have instant chemistry, everything in common, and the two of you will live happily ever after. We’ve all heard stories where something like that happens to a friend of a friend, so I guess it’s possible.

But you shouldn’t bet on it.

People like to say things like “stop looking for love” because trying to find a great relationship is hard and not finding someone after putting yourself out there can be disappointing. You could potentially do everything right: you could introduce yourself to new people, go on dating sites, join clubs, go on blind dates, and still not have that special someone to bring to your cousin’s wedding.

It can be disheartening, scary, and disappointing to be out there looking for love knowing that there are no guarantees when it comes to relationships. Dating can make anyone feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. So, taking a step back and saying “Psh, I’m not even looking for love right now” might seem like a good way to make sure you aren’t disappointed.

But stopping the search isn’t the answer.

In fact, putting yourself out there and setting yourself up for disappointment is part of the whole “relationship” thing. Looking for love and finding is all about leaning into the scary stuff: putting yourself out there, being vulnerable, and taking chances. And that doesn’t end once you get into a relationship.

In fact, it’s usually just the beginning.

I met my fiancé in high school. We’ve been together for almost a decade now and in just a couple months we’ll be getting married. I know how uncommon it is to marry your high school sweetheart (in fact, it’s statistically ridiculous). So, for a long time I thought we were the poster couple for the “you’ll find love when you’re not looking” philosophy.

After all, people were always saying I was so lucky to have found my future husband so early in life. And I am lucky. I’m blessed with a great relationship with an amazing guy, but our relationship isn’t based on luck or chance. We didn’t get to 10 years by accident.

We choose each other.

We’ve been together for so long because every day we make the choice to be together. We make ourselves vulnerable every day: taking risks and making compromises. We make plans around each other. We have love because we truly and completely want it, and are willing to work for it.

I like Dr. Pepper Schwartz’s advice because I think that getting into a relationship is a lot like landing an amazing job. To get that job you’re probably going to have to put in a lot of effort: you’ll need to go back to school or get some training. You’re going to need to do some research and improve your skills.

You might even need to update your résumé, get a new suit, and all-around make yourself a good candidate for the job. And if you don’t get one job, it could be embarrassing or disheartening, but soon you’ll find a new one and you’ll apply for that too.

But the important thing is that it doesn’t get easier once you finally do get hired. It’s really only then when the real work starts. That’s when you have to start making compromises, focusing more time on your career, and working hard to make the relationship…I mean job… great.

You can’t be afraid to do all the things you need to do to find a partner, because that same stuff is required to maintain the relationship. This idea that singles should stop looking, that they’ll get more out of trying less is only setting people up for disappointment and bad relationships… and that isn’t fair.

Like I said, when you’re single, you’re going to get all kinds of bad advice. But the idea of trying less is probably one of the worst.

Maybe there is no great advice that works for everyone, no magic words of wisdom to guarantee everyone exactly the relationship they want. But, I’ve found that if you can take the risks and do the work to find someone special, you’ll be ready for the relationship, and the love, you deserve.

My Dating and Relationship History Plays like a Spotify List

July 19, 2018January 22, 2024 by Kate Oczypokin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Sometimes, my dating and relationships history reads like a Spotify playlist.

From Mariah Carey’s “Butterfly” in seventh grade to Bruno Mars’ “Just the Way You Are” and everything in between, songs in my life have the power to transport me to romantic memories both good and bad. Music has such a nostalgic quality in our lives that I set out to examine it when it comes to love.

Here is my journey of songs that mean a lot to me.

“Butterfly” by Mariah Carey

Remember in The Notebook when all it took was the memory of the piano for Allie to have just a glimpse of the past? There are hints that music can help dementia patients remember, as this article states. For most of us with healthy brains, the article quotes a professor of neurology saying that music is a “very, very vivid way of reanimating memories.”

Cue 20 years ago, during a seventh grade dance. Before fast Internet and iPhones, junior high dances were the place to be. I had gotten all dolled up in my best butterfly clips and Lane Bryant jeans and brightly colored shirt and hoped my crush would dance with me. Miraculously, later that night he approached me during a song I could only identify as Mariah Carey’s voice. After having to ask the DJ the name of the song, I figured out it was called “Butterfly.”

Needless to say, I spent the rest of junior high completely obsessed with butterflies. I wouldn’t let my parents tear down the ugly ‘70s butterfly print wallpaper in my room from the old owners in our house. I was drawn to every t-shirt that had butterflies on it. My first email address was butterflygrl11@hotmail.com. I was so obsessed with the memories of a song that I tried to hold onto it as much as I could.

The following year, I found out that my crush had just asked me to be nice—he really didn’t have any interest in me. I was devastated back then, but now I always look back on those “butterfly years” fondly.

“Let it Be” by The Beatles

This one still has a bit of mixed emotions as far as memories. I was visiting an ex-boyfriend in Chicago one summer and after a night at the Navy Pier, he asked if I wanted to head back to his apartment to watch fireworks. He was in a gorgeous rental that his parents had found for him with floor to ceiling windows. I of course agreed, imagining the spectacular view of the pier from his window.

We tore off our sweaty clothes, still damp from the humid July air. As I snuggled into his bed in my underwear, he asked if I wanted some music on. I said sure, why not? We were listening to The Beatles when all of the sudden the sky just lit up in beautiful color. Listening to “Let it Be” that night while the fireworks exploded from the pier in front of us was absolute perfection. Everytime I hear that song I think of this moment, then later, another moment comes to life.

That same boyfriend had just broken up with me. I was working at a Starbucks near Capitol Hill in between covering events for my old job. “Let it Be” came on their radio and I remember tears just coming and coming. I was unhappy that I was newly single on top of being stressed about the uncertainty of whether or not I’d have my job in the next six months.

This song contradicts a finding in a BBC article that its often pop music that brings back memories from times in our lives. While The Beatles are arguably pop, they were purposefully put on by someone, making it more of what the article calls a “reminiscence bump.” Classic hits take us back to our teens and 20s, especially important times in our lives. This makes sense, given I was 26 at the time.

“Forever” by Chris Brown

Chris Brown’s personal life aside, I’ve loved the song ever since The Office parodied the original viral video in their Jim and Pam wedding episode. While this song doesn’t evoke any romantic dating or relationships stories, it always makes me recall when my two best friends and I would get together to watch The Office on Thursday nights.

Sometimes my boyfriend and their girlfriends would join us, or we’d extend the group to other friends. More often than not, it was just the three of us. It was a time in my life I felt protected and loved by two very good friends. There was no drama, it was just the three of us, 20-somethings about to conquer the world. Oh and side note—I also still really miss The Office.

“Just the Way You Are” by Bruno Mars

This is one of my more recent musical memories. My current boyfriend and I had just celebrated our first anniversary and we were at the wedding of two of my best friends. It was a magnificently romantic night at one of Washington, D.C.’s most splendid buildings. We were out on the dance floor, him doing what I like to call “the white man’s overbite” (thanks When Harry Met Sally!) and me laughing with friends. When Bruno Mars’ “Just the Way You Are” came on, we both looked at each other as couples started pairing off. We found each other and started slow dancing. I remember hanging on every word Bruno sang that night and as we were forehead to forehead, I secretly hoped that our wedding would be next.

Moving Forward

It looks like recalling memories through music won’t be a phenomenon that’s going away anytime soon. In June 2018, the Grammy Museum announced they would award $200,000 in grants to 14 recipients in the U.S. and Canada for research and support on topics like how neural integration through music helps long-term memory.

What are some of your favorite songs from your past?

Want to read more on music and love? Check out this piece about the benefits music has on sex.

Handling Living in between Two Places in a Relationship

July 26, 2018January 22, 2024 by ElisaShoenbergerin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Who Stays Where, When, and Why

I was at the stage of a relationship where I was spending most of my time at my boyfriend’s apartment. We had been dating for almost three years and it happened naturally. I simply found myself spending more and more time at his place.

There were obvious reasons why it happened. There was the issue of space and privacy. I shared an apartment with three roommates while my boyfriend lived with his dog in his own place.

And there was the issue of location. I was in the middle of my evening MBA program while working full time. The commute to my neighborhood was not ideal. Things got dicier at night. I only took the train in the early morning due to the number of shootings that occurred near it at other times of the day. Leaving class at 9pm meant a very long bus ride or taking the train and then transferring to the bus. Coming home was stressful and exhausting. His place was easier to get to from school; it was simply a shorter bus ride into a neighborhood that had fewer problems.

But these reasons weren’t consciously on mind. We were simply getting used to another’s company on a day to day basis. We liked being around one another, even first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

Decisions Around A Drawer of My Own

While our relationship was going in good places, the stress of living between two places was rising. I had to be strategic about the clothing I was going to wear, the books I would need, and even the food I ate. I constantly had to think ahead: what was I going to need for the next few days? It was a 20-30 minute drive from his place to mine, not to mention the parking situation.

I began perpetually carrying around a blue bag that contained a few pairs of clothing for the week and my phone charger. I remember how nervous I was about asking to keep a toothbrush and comb and having my own drawer for clothing. But these were the practicalities of our living situation. Clean teeth, tamed hair (sorta) and not wearing clothes twice in a row to work have real impacts on your mental and physical health.

However, some of these caused their own issues. Having a drawer of clothing meant that I had to find a way to clean that clothing. No one does my laundry for me! Therefore, there was sometimes a lot of carrying of dirty clothes around town.

On the textbook side, I had a lot of online textbooks which made it easier as long as I had my iPad. However, I did have to be conscious of where my computer was just in case I had to write papers.

Food was a real bee in my bonnet. Buying a gallon of milk became foolish. I would use a tiny portion of it in my morning tea. I tried to convince my roommates to use it so at least the milk wouldn’t spoil but they didn’t use it enough. I started only buying food and drink on an as-needed basis, very French, I suppose. The boyfriend would stock things I liked to eat in the fridge, which helped extensively.

Negotiating Roommates Feelings

I interviewed several other women about their experiences in this liminal stage of their relationships.

In an interview with Samantha (not her real name), she told me, “I actually pretty much lived over at his place for 2ish years… and I didn’t mind that both my places were kinda like closets. My first roommate was kinda annoyed by it, but my second roommate didn’t really care.” For her, she explained, “the hardest part to navigate was making sure to spend time with my…roommate so she wouldn’t feel alone.” I asked how she tried to handle the situation and she told me, “I tried to make sure at least once a week that we had spent quality time together…I wish I had been better at balancing my roommate’s needs and that crazy falling in love phase. I am sad we kinda grew apart.”

Samantha also mentioned her concerns about his roommates and their view of her. She said, “I wish I has also been less of a scaredy cat when it came to his roommates. I was always scared they didn’t like me and I didn’t feel comfortable whenever they were home. I wasted a lot of mental energy over nothing.”

Making Decisions for Financial Reasons

Brenda had a more cautionary tale. Sometimes the in-between stage is necessary to figure out oneself and your relationship with your significant other. Brenda moved in with her ex-boyfriend after four months for financial reasons. I asked her about the mechanics of her situation and she told me, “He would drive me to school in the morning (we lived about 15 minutes from us) and I would shower and grab more clothing there. We mainly hung out during the evening. Food wise, we were fast food people. I would buy groceries and then they would spoil them because I was never home. I saved a ton of money on toilet paper, that’s for sure.”

I asked her what she wished she had done differently. She explained that she wished she hadn’t moved in with him for financial reasons. Her advice to folks in a similar situation was ““(H)ave a handle of their [situation] before moving in with someone that quickly. It definitely impacted our relationship and it made me feel like trash. He was a good guy though, but it definitely took a toll on us.” While living in between is a cause of stress, moving in too early or without resolving issues might cause different stresses.

Moving In For Keeps

Like everything with relationships, negotiating this in-between stage is tricky and dependent on the dynamics of the relationship. Dealing with practicalities of daily life, feelings of roommates and financial decisions are important in the success of relationships.

For me, I had a happy ending. After about a year, my then boyfriend, now husband, asked me to move in permanently. It was a godsend. One it meant that he felt strongly about our relationship. And two, I wouldn’t have to carry around dirty clothing anymore.

8 Ways To Stop Letting Your Insecurities In Relationships Outweigh The Good

August 21, 2018January 22, 2024 by Becca Martinin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

How to stop letting your doubts ruin your relationships.

I do this thing where I bring old relationships, fears, insecurities and past traumas into current relationships which I should absolutely not do – no one should. My boyfriend is nothing like guys I’ve dated in the past yet I still become fearful of the same things.

My current relationship is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in yet I find myself having worries that he will just decide to up and leave one day because I’m used to being left or having things not work out. I tend to be a lot, it’s no secret, I want constant attention and can be needy, and that scares me because I know that can easily be a turn-off. I fear that there are times when I am too much even when he assures that I am not. It’s a personal insecurity that no one has ever said to me but one I’ve built up in my mind.

I begin defining myself by the bad instead of the good. I look at the areas I lack instead of the areas that I thrive. I don’t see all the good I do for him, only the bad. It’s what sticks in my mind.

Seeing the bad is an insecurity of mine and there are times I let it consume me. I think this tends to be a common theme in life – to let the bad outweigh the good. We easily forget about the good and hang on to the bad things that happen.

You can easily forget that your partner loves you if they miss an important event in your life because you’re so focused on the sad emotion you’re feeling (which is valid).

It can also be easy to blame them and feel unloved when they fall short of uncommunicated expectations. We can hang on to these bad and negative emotions and bring them up long after the exact situation has been resolved because the negative feelings outlast the good.

The same goes for friendships. If your friends promised she’d go to dinner with you on Tuesday at 7 and texted you at 6 and said she wasn’t feeling it anymore you’d be disappointed. You’d harbor that disappointment and in the future, you will be wary of making plans with her and having her cancel.

We harbor the bad, in ourselves and in our relationships. We often see where others fall short and hang on to that because we tell ourselves that we wouldn’t do that.

There are some ways that I’ve found helpful to stop defining yourself and your relationships by the bad instead of the good.

Start writing down the moments that make you happy. Maybe your boyfriend surprised you with flowers. Maybe your friend paid for your coffee. Maybe a stranger complimented you. Everything that made you feel good is something that you should write down and look back when you don’t feel loved and you’re feeling insecure. Those specific instances will remind you just how much love you have in your life.
Don’t self-sabotage relationships. I was dating a guy once who lived in a different town than I did. I was going on a camping trip that he couldn’t come to because of work and stopped to see him on my way and planned to stop on my way back through his town. I was extremely hurt and disappointed because I texted him that Sunday morning and said I was excited to see him in a few hours. He replied back that he couldn’t hang out anymore because he got called into work. I was pissed, very sad and hurt that he didn’t text me to let me know he got called in before I texted him. I was being short with him, as you do when you’re petty, and my friend looked at me and told me not to self-sabotage this relationship because maybe he just got called in and forgot to text me. At the time I couldn’t see that all I could see was that he didn’t text me to let me know and I was upset I wouldn’t get to see him. Don’t let your emotions or doubts ruin things for you. Give people the benefit of the doubt.
Don’t get in your own head. Like I said above, I feel needy and too much in relationships but no one has ever actually said that to me. It’s a way I’ve labeled myself. My boyfriend often asks me why I say those things and I reply that I’m not actually sure, it just feels that way. It could have been something he never noticed but now there’s a chance he could associate me that way. It’s a good habit to get in to break the negative thoughts associated with yourself. We tend to be our own worst critics.
Express gratitude. It sounds so simple but it’s often forgotten. It can be easier to complain and start to take the people in our life for granted. Gratitude helps us recognize the good in people and appreciate their actions. If your partner cooked you dinner and that is something they rarely do let them know you’re thankful, even if it’s not good and you could have done it better. Don’t make them feel bad because you wouldn’t like if roles were reversed.
Work on yourself and your happiness. Happiness starts with you. Of course, your emotions are often swayed by others but it has to start within. Find what works for you to find peace inside and practice self-love. For me, it was working with a life coach. It’s something I’ve done for over a year and throughout the year I’ve tremendously changed my mindset and become happier. I had to put in work and work on adjusting my mindset but it’s made worlds of difference.
Realize you do deserve good things and love. I think part of the reason I still am fearful of my boyfriend leaving is that I’ve never felt good enough because nothing else has worked out for the past six years. I’ve felt like I must be unloveable so I had a difficult time accepting that he’s here because he loves me for me and wants to be here. You deserve good love, as do I. The biggest struggle is actually believing that but you should because it’s true.
Accept that you can’t be everything for your partner and acknowledge why you shouldn’t try to be. I have a lot of friends who try to be everything for their partner – their golf partner, their hiking partner, their caretaker, their best friend, their personal chef, their accountant, and so on. You can’t be everything for your partner and you shouldn’t try to be. You should let them have their own outlets that don’t involve you. You have to realize this doesn’t mean they don’t love you or appreciate what you do for them but they also need other outlets. You should not be everything to them and they should not be everything to you. No one should be your everything, it’s not healthy.
Learn to appreciate the stability and OK moments of life. Part of life is learning to be okay with moments that are boring. Things at the beginning of relationships are all butterflies and fun. When those things wear off and it becomes more real I think it’s important to focus on the long-lasting connection. Don’t think that just because those tingles are gone that they’re not your soulmate, it’s important to accept those boring moments are more so about being content with each other.

Check out this related article: How I Came to Peace With My Jealousy of Others’ Relationships

Out with the Old Season In Love

November 9, 2018January 22, 2024 by Terri-Jane Dowin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

How our relationships are affected by the changing seasons

As we turn back the clocks and get ready for winter to really set in, autumn seems like a good time to give our relationships a little bit of a shake too – see what’s working, and what’s maybe getting a little bit stale. It’s easy to get into a cold-weather routine. Nights are longer, it’s cold outside, and it’s really much easier to close the curtains and stay indoors instead of venturing out. But that gets old pretty quickly. It’s a positive practice to let go of old things to make room for new growth, and this goes for relationships too. As the nights draw in, finding balance in your relationships can help lead into winter – creating new habits together and removing any blocks that might be stagnating your partnership.

Pay better attention

Listening to the other person is one of the most important features of a positive relationship. It works not only to make them feel like you care what they’re saying, but also means you both relate to each other more effectively, and that you find yourselves both more actively interested in each other. Paying attention is a quiet way of supporting your partner, and working on this as a skill can only ever be a good thing. Developing your listening skills can be as simple as putting your phone away when you’re talking, and making sure that you aren’t interrupting the other person. It goes both ways too, and you’ll usually find that if you make the effort to be a better listener to someone, they’ll reflect the same back to you. Most of the time, it’s about awareness, so head out to a quiet bar, leave your phone in your pocket, and make sure you’re spending some quality time with your partner.

Darker date nights

In the summer, it’s easy to be spontaneous. The sun is shining, it’s much nicer to spend time outdoors, and it’s easy to set up a last-minute barbeque or trip to the beach. As the daylight hours get shorter, we want to make the most of them, but accepting the darkness is an option too! Check out what’s going on where you live – there’ll be festive fairgrounds opening soon, and wrapping up to head out for mulled wine and fireworks is never a bad idea. When staying indoors is a better idea, check what’s on at local galleries or museums, where you can wander for a couple of hours. If that’s not your thing, lots of restaurants start switching to a winter menu, so you could make a list of places to try out together and find a new favourite spot.

Back to school

For better or worse, years of school mean that even as adults we are programmed to feel like the changing seasons equal new beginnings. This can spell disaster for relationships, especially ones that seem less exciting because you’ve settled in, but it doesn’t have to. Instead of lamenting the loss of learning, invest your time together in teaching yourselves something new. Many colleges offer six-week courses, or you can find all sorts of things on the internet. Enroll on a creative course, learn a language together, or try out something sexier, like a tantric workshop. Couples who participate in activities together find that their relationships are more rounded, and less likely to feel stagnant. Embarking on a new project together will mean you can both support each other as you go along, and you might find a new joint passion.

Build your nest

Of course, there’s always the option of actually embracing the feeling of wanting to stay inside and get cosy – and it’s always much nicer to netflix and chill with someone you love. There are some obvious benefits to staying in bed all winter, but there’s also another bonus: creating a wintery nest for you to hibernate in together! Cohabiting, or even just sharing a bed occasionally, is a good excuse to light some candles and stock up on cosy cushions and fleecey throws. Make a blanket fort for the two of you to hide in, and practice finding a balance together, ready for the winter.

Fall is a great opportunity to spend some time reevaluating your goals, and the best way to build your relationship is to talk through what you and your partner are looking for, together. Don’t be afraid to talk about stripping back old habits, to make room for the next exciting stages!

6 Things Successful Couples Do to Appreciate a Significant Other

November 28, 2018January 22, 2024 by Terri-Jane Dowin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

How do you show your partner that you appreciate them?

In a long-term relationship, feeling taken for granted sometimes is an easy trap to fall into. Most long-term couples find that occasionally the balance seems to shift, and one person takes on more of the labour, be it due to work commitments or a more gradual move into bad habits which become routine. We set out to find out how couples in long-term relationships stop their partners from feeling underappreciated by asking them “how do you show your partner they matter to you?”

“I do the chores they hate”

Far and away, domestic chores took the medal for being the most common demonstration of partner-appreciation. From taking the bins out, to doing the washing up, to changing the cat litter, household tasks were the biggest response. Not just any household tasks though; specifically the ones their partner most hated doing.

“I cook for them”

An unsurprising runner up – the way to everyone’s hearts, it seems, is through their stomach. Cooking a nice dinner when they’ve had a bad day, making breakfast every Saturday morning, and giving them the best bits of a meal all popped up as answers. It’s not just meals though; people also love buying chocolates for their significant other, or baking loaves of bread at the weekend, or making lunches for them to take to work. In the same vein, there’s also getting a takeout, and having someone else bring the food!

“I take them out on a date”

Ah, date night. This can fall by the wayside in a long-term relationship, especially as the weather cools and it’s nicer to stay indoors. But putting in a little bit of effort can go a long way. Some people said that they planned meals out – a date night with the added advantage of no dishes to clean afterwards. If there’s a film they’ve been wanting to see, you can have a couple of hours distraction-free instead of waiting for it to hit Netflix.

“I take care of them”

Letting the other person sleep in was a popular one, especially with new parents. An extra hour in bed in the morning might be more necessary than it seems, and helping out by getting up and taking care of the kids is a hugely symbolic gesture of appreciation. Imagine this doubled with breakfast in bed too! Care-taking gestures also included running them a bubble bath after a long day, and giving them a foot rub. Looking after someone is a great way of making them feel like they matter, and even more so if the gesture is acknowledging that they’ve had a bad day, or that they’re feeling a bit tired or run-down. Reminding them that they need to take some time for self-care is thoughtful, but going some ways toward carving out that time for them is even better.

“I buy flowers”

Everybody loves flowers, right? The problem is that they’ve come to symbolise apologies for wrongdoing, so flowers are sometimes a fraughtly given gift and have fallen out of favour a little bit. However, ‘Just Because’ flowers always go down well, because who doesn’t love a delivery of fresh blooms? Extra points for knowing their favourite flowers and including them in the bouquet. There were also people buying little gifts for no reason, too. Surprising someone with a gift they aren’t expecting, but that you know they’d love is a nice way of letting someone know that you value them, even if it’s something small.

“I send a text”

In our age of technology, we’re almost always connected, but an unexpected SMS or email is a nice gesture to let someone know that you’re thinking of them in that moment. Having someone pop up on your phone to randomly tell you that you’re on their mind is never a bad thing. It’s nice to be reminded that you’re thought of when you aren’t physically in the same room.

Overwhelmingly, though, it was the thought behind the gesture that meant more than the gesture itself – as much as foot rubs and flowers are lovely to receive, the feeling of being appreciated was far bigger than the action itself, and went much further.

What about you? Do you buy flowers, or are you more of a breakfast in bed person? What little things do you do to show someone you care?

5 Ways to Get Through Awkward Holiday Situations with Your Significant Other

November 14, 2019January 22, 2024 by Kate Oczypokin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Let’s face it, as fun as the holidays are, they sure can be awkward sometimes.

If you are headed to your partner’s hometown this festive season, you’ll want to be prepared.

Here are five situations and solutions to get through awkward holiday situations with your significant other.

1. A nosy mother

Let’s face it, all moms want to do is protect their children. If you encounter a mom who takes you aside to ask some intrusive questions, or flat out interrogates you at Thanksgiving dinner, just take a deep breath and don’t be impulsive. Remember, while a mother may come off as a little too nosy, she’s just being a mama bear to her baby. If the conversation gets a little too awkward, just direct things back to the celebration at hand—comment on how good a dish is or thank whoever brought the wine. Chances are, it will lighten the mood and quite possibly help your significant other’s mother feel more at ease with you.

2. A creepy uncle

Ugh there’s always one and unfortunately, even in the #MeToo age, they are still around. It’s important to set your boundaries as soon as you get odd vibes from a creepy uncle. Don’t be afraid to tell him no, loud and clear. Stopping things early is the best option to keep you safe and avoid any not only awkward, but dangerous situations too. Your significant other should respect you for sticking up for yourself. If they don’t, it might be worth having a talk about your relationship, as your own self-worth should be the most important aspect of your life.

3. A grandma who means well but really wants you two to marry.

Oh goodness do I have a meddling grandma! My last surviving grandparent is now 90 and is pretty tech savvy for her age. Thank goodness she did this via text instead of at a holiday table, but she once texted me a huge message saying that my boyfriend hasn’t married me yet because he only wants friendship and I leave him and should try CatholicMatch.com instead. I kid you not! I am cracking up again now as I write this. After being utterly appalled, I now laugh about it. I sent my grandma a text saying I appreciate her watching out for me but my partner and I are happy. That’s exactly what you should say at a holiday get-together too. Most of the time, all grandparents want is to make sure their grandchildren are happy. Sometimes they just show it in mortifying ways!

4. Kid cousins who ask a lot of questions

I adore children but my goodness, can some of them ask a lot of questions! If you find yourself in the hot seat with your boyfriend or girlfriend’s kid cousins, answer what you want to. If things get to be too much, start turning the conversation around and asking them questions. Kids love to talk about themselves and many will be happy you are taking a genuine interest in them. If you are not great with kids, this recent SNL skit was so funny and may help with any nerves you have. Also, as someone who used to be the oldest of my brood of siblings and cousins, I remember adoring aunts and uncles who took an interest in me and what my life was like at that moment of my childhood.

5. Dads big on the dad jokes

Dads and their dad jokes will withhold the test of time! The best thing you can do if you encounter a dad who loves to make embarrassing, cringeworthy jokes is to laugh at them. He will be so happy that someone finds them funny and endearing. However, the only time you shouldn’t laugh at jokes dad makes is when they are racially, sexual orientation or gender insensitive. If they are in poor taste, take your significant other aside and explain that you are not a fan of their father’s sense of humor. It’s up to them on how they want to take it up with dad. As much as you want to be welcomed into their family, it’s not worth it to risk your personal values.