Tag: relationship advice

How Your Relationship Life Evolves from the Very First One

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Your first relationship has a huge effect on the relationship that come afterward.

Having your first relationship is such a steep learning curve — you’re learning how to be a good partner, you may be having sex for the first time, you’re dealing with your first relationships fights, and, inevitably, your first breakup. But even after the breakup, it’s not over. Your first relationship has a huge effect on the relationship that come afterward. Exactly how much varies from relationship to relationship — and how long you have between them.

If you’re like me and tend to wait a long time between relationships, then there’s a better chance that — while you’ll still have some old habits and hangups — baggage may be less present and inform your relationship less. My first boyfriend liked Dungeons and Dragons way more than he liked me, and I’m totally over it. (Totally. Tote. A. Ly.)

It also depends how good or bad your first relationship was. If you had a horrible or traumatic relationship, those cuts may feel even deeper and fresher as you go into your next one, so your first relationship is going to carry over with you more. If your first relationship was more a case of just trying to be a grownup, no training wheels, and it sort of fizzled out, it probably own’t have the same hold on you. But it’s always there, to some degree or another.

Here’s how your first relationship shapes all the ones after:

1. It Can Help Form Your “Type”

Whether your first love is a brunette bombshell, a red head, short or tall— it sticks with you. Even if you don’t mean to do it, or actively seek it out, there’s a good chance that you’ll start to seek out similar types. Maybe that type is nerdy brunettes… maybe, possibly.

2. Or Who You Avoid

… or, if it was a seriously bad relationship, there’s a chance that you’ll end up hating brunettes or blondes and avoiding them for no good reason. Relationships can leave a bad taste in your mouth, bad enough to avoid anything that looks remotely similar.

3. Your Learn Good And Bad Habits

The first time you’re in a relationship is really formative — you learn how relationships work. Or at least you think you do. The good and the bad habits you form during your first relationship are hard to shake. If you learn how to listen and be supportive, that’s great, but if every tiny disagreement turns into a massive fight, so you just stop communicating, then you learn that habit too, and it can be really damaging for future relationships. You have to be sure to take the positive into your future relationships, but be willing to let go of bad habits.

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Moving in With Your Significant Other: For Love or for Money?

by Julia Solomonin LOVE

Finances aside, how do you know when it’s the right time? Is there even a right time?

8.4 million people live in New York City. Out of those 8.4 million people, approximately 15 can actually afford to live here. It’s no news that the rent here is out of control. You’ll often hear about gentrification and the rising prices of rent throughout neighborhoods. I assume everyone else starts sobbing after they pay their rent just like I did last month. Yes, living here is expensive. Aside from rent, nearly everything else is somewhat unaffordable. There’s only a gazillion articles about how the cost of living can take a toll on your bank account. But what about your relationship?

Legitimate Reasons to Move In

There are many milestones within a relationship. Of course, there’s “the talk”, where you decide whether or not it’s exclusive. There’s exchanging “I love you’s” and last but not least, shacking up. Before moving to NYC, I always assumed moving in with your significant other meant that you were looking to take things to the next level, really cement the fact that you are ready to commit to someone or you just couldn’t fathom the idea of not sharing a bed every single night. Those may be some of the reasons couples decide to take that next step, but here’s another one to add to the list : SAVING CASH MONEY. I have seen couples move in together faster than the speed of light all in the name of lower rent! And love. But also lower rent. This city is so incredibly expensive that at the end of the day, if you’re spending the majority of your time with that special someone, it might not be worth coughing up the cash each month for your own place. It’s more out of convenience, not necessarily romance. That’s not to say it can’t be both, which is what I’m currently struggling with.

Anxiety and Decision Making

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over two and a half years. I’m extremely happy with him, but there have been a lot of issues I’ve had to come to terms with when it came to really getting serious with someone. I’m not a commitment phobe, but I have baggage like anyone else. There’s not one single part of me that doesn’t want to be with him, but there is a neurotic part of me that thinks the longer we date, the worse it will be if we do ever break up, and then I run into a state of panic trying to avoid a break up that neither of us were even contemplating in the first place! Being an anxious person is a full time job (one that doesn’t pay). So, thinking about moving in together isn’t just a casual decision for me. It brings on anxiety and then some. It’s also really exciting.

Decorating and Upgrading the Bedset

Allow me to fantasize for a moment. It’s fun to think about how we would decorate our room, how it would be extremely luxurious to upgrade to a queen size bed, how I would be spending two hundred dollars less on rent each month if he moved in. I won’t lie, I’ve been online window shopping the duvets on anthropologie.com for quite some time. With the money I would save on rent, my dreams of owning a complete bed set from Anthropologie could become a reality. These are the little things, obviously, but things nonetheless that I’ve thought about.

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Curious to Find Out If a Relationship Will Last with Nearly 100% Accuracy?

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Relationships can be dragged down by negative emotions like sadness and hostility. The negativity becomes “like quicksand … the couple steps in and they just sink deeper and deeper”.

romantic coupleDoctors Julie and John Gottman have been studying relationship psychology for 40 years.

They claim the ability to predict with 94 percent accuracy whether a relationship will last.

They’re in Auckland to train clinicians, and met with Story’s Kim Vinnell for an exclusive interview.

The Gottmans shared a few of their key principals for making a relationship work:

  • Express the fondness and admiration you feel. Don’t just think it, say it.
  • Turn toward your partner’s bid for connection. Dr Julie Gottman says if your partner says “Look at that boat”, respond with, “Wow Charlie, that’s a beautiful boat”.
  • Talk about beliefs and values — they don’t need to be the same, but they do need to be discussed.
  • Everybody has conflict. Most conflicts are never resolved. Dr John Gottman says the masters of relationships are “very gentle with each other”.

Dr John Gottman told Story most arguments arise from personality differences, and those differences have to be accepted.

He says the masters of relationships say, “Here’s what I’m thinking, and here’s what I need from you”.

In a good relationship, Dr John Gottman says we see people saying things like “I might be wrong” and “I’m sorry”.

Relationships can be dragged down by negative emotions like sadness and hostility. The negativity becomes “like quicksand … the couple steps in and they just sink deeper and deeper”.

The Gottmans’ research suggests all couples, regardless of gender and sexuality, have similar problems.

However, social barriers — such as workplace prejudice and isolation from family — make some qualities more important in same-sex relationships. Those qualities include a sense of humour and ability to calm down during an argument.

The Gottmans say gay and lesbian partners are less likely to use controlling and hostile emotional tactics.

“What makes relationships work is not that we’re perfect”, Dr John Gottman believes — saying it’s all about “managing miscommunication and repairing.”

Watch the video HERE for the full Story report.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Don’t Try to Change These Things in Your Partner

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Accept your partner for who he or she is and don’t try to change him or her.

There is no shortage of relationship advice available, and one of the most common phrases is: Accept your partner for who he or she is and don’t try to change him or her. While you may be able to make minor tweaks — like getting your significant other to wear dress pants instead of athletic shorts when you go out to eat — trying to make major changes to your partner is not part of a healthy relationship. Here are 4 things you will never be able to change about your significant other — no matter how hard you try.

1. Personality

It is nearly impossible to get someone to behave exactly the way you’d like. People are who they are, and though some personality traits are due to social conditioning, there is no way to turn your partner into a “perfect” version of how you think he or she should act and be. In fact, the propensity for change diminishes greatly once you turn 30, and we’ve known this for over 100 years. Groundbreaking Harvard University psychologist William James’ text, “The Principles of Psychology,” published in 1890, found that your personality stabilizes in adulthood. Part of the text says, per New York Magazine’s Blog Science of Us: “In most of us, by the age of thirty, the character has set like plaster, and will never soften again.” Additional research has shown that our core personality traits have a strong genetic component attached to them and remain constant throughout out lives.

2. How your partner relates to his or her family

Families, especially your partner’s parents, can be a touchy subject, and if any sort of criticism of them comes into the conversation, it’s like walking into a mine field: an explosion can happen at any time. Karl Pillemer, Ph.D., a professor of human development at Cornell University, tells the Huffington Post, “[P]eople’s feelings about their own families are deeply ingrained, and they are not likely to alter significantly after you tie the knot.” He adds that, “[y]ou can come to compromise, but if your spouse and your family don’t get along, pressing for change is not likely to work. Instead, I’d tell you to give your S.O. a free pass to avoid unnecessary get-togethers. Family togetherness is nice, but not at the expense of your relationship with your partner.”

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How an Open Relationship Can Possibly Work

by Lisa Lauretain RELATIONSHIPS

None of this is meant to be a guide for you personally, although take it as such if you find it to be useful.

My current partner and I got into our relationship very soon after we had both ended monogamous relationships. I met him a week to the day after my previous partner had moved out of our apartment, and he was ten months out of a marriage. Needless to say we weren’t interested in striking up anything super serious. However, after a while, we ended up falling pretty hard for each other and realized that we were in fact, accidental or not, a “couple.” This struck a chord of panic in both of us. How were we going to hang on to our freedom if we jump back into being in love? But we have managed to keep that freedom alive and well to this very day. This fact gets a log of questions from a lot of people, mostly: how is a couple a couple if they’re to remain free?

I had been dating many couples and individuals that were parts of couples in my post-breakup escapades, and realized that it just might be a perfect set up for someone like me. Every monogamous relationship I’d been in had ended because of my wanderlust. There were other issues, of course, but the curiosity of what I might be missing was the consistent straw that broke the camel’s back; every camel, every time. So after a bit of discussion, my partner, we’ll call him “Aaron,” and I decided that if we were a couple, we would remain “open.” We would make no promises of commitment, as neither one of us had ever been a fan of such concepts, and we would be free to date whoever, whenever. Now that we’ve been together for over a year, some rules have come into play, but we retain our general freedom. For us, it works, and it works great. But it’s not for everyone. Here are some of the reasons that I think we’ve had success.

  • We are communicative. Like, overly so. I’m not just talking, “how was your day, dear?” I mean we spell things out crystal clear and try to do so before a problem can even arise. He was a counselor for about fifteen years and I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was eight. We know how to talk. We even go so far as letting each other see our threads, be they in Tinder, Kik or texts. If he’s going on a date, I know with whom, what they look like, where they’re going, and anything else I might be curious about. Now this is optional. There are times I don’t want to see what he’s been texting with people, or know what they look like. For some reason this is especially true when he’s going out with a straight girl. I think because if there’s no chance of my involvement, I just lose interest. However the where and when is not optional. This is a safety concern, as everyone should check in with someone who cares about them before they meet with a perfect stranger. Rather than me letting a girlfriend or my mom know, I tell my partner. That way if I disappear, he can at least lead the cops to the person’s Tinder account.
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How to Navigate Office Romance and Retaining Respect

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Office relationships happen, and there’s no getting around that — but who says there aren’t still rules to follow?

A burning question often on the minds of some professionals — outside of when their company will start participating in Taco Tuesdays, or if they’ll get to work at home more — is whether or not to act on their desires to get to know a coworker … a little better. We’ve all seen office romances play out on TV shows and in movies. Sometimes, they work; sometimes, they don’t. Is it really worth it to mix business with pleasure?

That’s a question only you can answer, my dear — though, there’s a pretty good chance HR might have something to say about it. (Yeah, non-fraternization policies can take the steam out of your affair.)

Regardless of what’s kosher with company policy, at the end of the day, you’re gonna do what you think is best.

Office relationships happen, and there’s no getting around that — but who says there aren’t still rules to follow? Here to help those itching to date a coworker are a few relationship experts weighing in on the dos and don’ts of workplace love.

DO:

  • Find out about company policy. Before you give the okay to meet up for drinks, it’s important to learn what your job has to say about dating coworkers. As Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman, psychologist and author of Dating From the Inside Out, notes, your romance may or may not be in violation of company policy. “This may be less of an issue if you are in different departments, or on separate floors,” says Dr. Sherman.
  • Practice discretion. “Avoid public displays of affection,” advises dating strategist Michelle Roberts. No matter how tempted you are to play “grab the booty” between meetings, don’t do it.
  • Determine if your potential love interest can keep quiet. “If he or she is the office gossip, your secret will be out in the open before you have the first cup of morning coffee together,” alerts Philip Petree, author of The Man Puzzle.
  • Make sure you have more in common than just work. Seriously, why waste your time — and possibly risk your job — for someone who just might be a dud? “Many work relationships start because the majority of your time is spent together in the office. Be intentional about getting to know the person outside of your job’s building,” recommends Sherica Matthews, author and relationship coach.
  • Treat your colleague the same as everyone else. “You may have a tendency to favor them in some way and soon others may begin to pick up on the fact that maybe there is something going on with the two of you,” cautions Dr. Gary Brown, a licensed psychotherapist.
  • Share career goals. Who says you two can’t discuss your hopes and dreams? “Make sure your significant other is comfortable with your role at the company — including future goals and desired positions. You don’t want to feel like you have to apologize for your accomplishments, keep your wins to yourself, or let a successful career slowly creep into the bedroom,” points out Sarah Patt, matchmaker for It’s Just Lunch, an online dating service for busy professionals.
  • Be prepared for an awkward breakup. “Nothing is worse than having to see your ex on a regular basis. Seeing someone you dated at work every day can be a huge distraction and make it hard to move on, so be prepared for what can happen,” notes relationship expert Lori Bizzoco.

 

DON’T:

  • Cozy up to people above or below you. Jonathan Bennett, a certified counselor and dating and relationship coach, strongly warns professionals from pursuing a subordinate or boss as a love interest. And, in many ways, it makes sense. Don’t jeopardize your credibility.
  • Forget to see if your love is single! “While that flirtatious but married coworker may seem very appealing, don’t fall for those classic lines — like, ‘my spouse doesn’t understand me,’ ‘the marriage has been over for years,’ or, ‘we’re staying married for the sake of the children.’ A person who cheats will eventually cheat on you. Save yourself a tremendous amount of heartbreak by steering clear of the married coworker,” notes relationship counselor Nancy Pina.
  • Try to resolve issues at work. Couples argue — that’s a given. But one thing you shouldn’t do is bring that drama into the office, especially if you work together. “Settle it outside work. No one wants to hear it, even it if happens to provide some entertainment. Workplaces are definitely less tolerant of this kind of nonsense,” says Kristy De Leon, licensed marriage and family therapist.
  • Come or leave work in one car. “Everyone notices a single car left in the parking lot,” reminds Christine Baumgartner, dating and relationship coach.
  • Have sex in or around the office. Save that nooky for the bedroom! “It may be exciting and incredibly tempting, but don’t do it. Someone always sees or hears you,” alerts Dr. Matthew Anderson, author of The Resurrection of Romance: How to Create and Sustain a World Class Romantic Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime
  • Company correspondence is not private. “If you must talk to your in-office inamorata, use a cell phone in a private space, where you can’t be overhead,” recommends Tina B. Tessina (aka Dr. Romance), PhD, psychotherapist, and author of Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences.
  • Deny it. Did you ever think what you would do should your company find out about your romance — and it’s a no-no? Dr. Nancy Irwin says fess up. “Admitting your office romance and taking responsibility shows integrity,” notes Dr. Irwin.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How to Maintain Your Independence Within a Relationship

by Robin Tranin RELATIONSHIPS

While my partner was living her own life, I was living only for her, and when she’d come home from work, I’d excitedly greet her like a lost puppy.

There’s been a common theme in all my relationships.  Every time I’ve been overly codependent, it has always signified that I’m feeling insecure about how lovable I am.

There’ve been instances when I’d dedicate most of my life figuring out how to make my partner happy, and I’d inevitably lose my own identity in the process.  This isn’t to say that affection is a bad thing or that one shouldn’t strive to make their partner happy; but when somebody else becomes the majority of your life, that’s when problems arise.

Ever since I’ve learned how to be happy on my own, my relationships have flourished.  This doesn’t mean that I’m perfect.  There are still times when I become very insecure and needy, but those situations have decreased significantly over time.

Here are some benefits of having independence within a relationship.

  1. Less Pressure on Your Partner

During a very codependent phase of my life, I realized that my hobbies all somehow involved my partner.  My hobbies were hanging out with her, cooking for her, and trying to make her happy.

This is when I realized a very important lesson in life: nobody wants to be your hobby.

While my partner was living her own life, I was living only for her, and when she’d come home from work, I’d excitedly greet her like a lost puppy.  While acting this way occasionally can be very sweet, doing it every day became overwhelming.

She wanted me to live my own life and encouraged me to reestablish old friendships because she felt way too much pressure being someone else’s whole world. Knowing that you are someone else’s everything is a huge responsibility, because in some ways, you’re making them feel like your moods are completely dependent on them.

By figuring out how to be happy on your own, you take that pressure off of your partner because they don’t have to constantly worry about whether or not you’re happy.

They can continue living their own lives without feeling stressed out about your well-being.

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Who is Using Who for Sex?

by RJ Newellin RELATIONSHIPS

We’ve all been there, or known someone who has.

Why do smart, compassionate, beautiful women find themselves pining after emotionally unavailable men?

For a while, I was the one my girlfriends always went to when they needed to vent about that one guy who never called them back. I’ve been texted at all hours with excited declarations like “he wants me to come over to watch a movie. It’s 2 am, but still!” And then, there’s the inevitable anguish when “he” doesn’t want a relationship. 

I’ve heard all the stories. I know all the details. Year after year, it’s the same. And it’s heartbreaking. I know too many women who are being used for sex – and none of them are willing to admit it, until it’s too late.

It’s been said to ‘never take advice from some you wouldn’t want to trade places with.’ I’m not an expert, by any means. I am not some magical relationship fairy, who’s never made a bad decision. I have been in this situation myself, but it took me years after the fact to finally look back and admit it. If you want advice on learning how to see through manipulation before it’s too late, read on. The tips I’m about to share with you came from years of my own mistakes, and from watching my friends fall into the same traps year after year.

If a woman is looking for a relationship, why would anyone think it’s okay to manipulate her? Why do one-sided relationships drag on for months and months, until someone’s self-worth has been suffocated? 

The honest answer: We may walk into these bad situations on accident, but we stay there on purpose.

Look, we live in the 21st Century. Mutual, no-strings attached, casual intercourse is totally okay. It’s also just fine for two people to start out on the same page, and change their minds later. You are entitled to end a relationship how and when you wish, and so is he. Everyone has the right to choose. But it is wrong to make the conscious decision to manipulate, coerce, or string someone along just for sex.

Men are not the only guilty parties here. Women use men for sex, as well. But for the purposes of this article, I’m taking aim at the most common scenario. Whether you are male or female, it is important to protect your heart and recognize your needs. Here’s how.

  1. Ask yourself: What are my needs?

    An emotionally healthy relationship requires having conversations that don’t always lead to sex. It requires two people who are there for each other, whether sex is a factor or not. Do you wish he’d take you out on dates? Are you hoping he’ll introduce you to his friends and family? Would you be happier if he shared more with you than just his body? All of us have needs, and you should take the time to define them for yourself.

  2. Make your needs clear before sex is even brought up in conversation.

    Millennials live in a social media-driven culture where we almost “compete” to see who is less attached and more “chill.” I’d go into the reasons behind this, but that’s a topic for another day. My point here is this: Once upon a time, it was completely normal to say “I’m interested in a relationship with you, and would love to take you out on a date.” Now, the boundaries between friendship, casual sex, and dating are a lot less clear. While it’s totally fine to want a casual relationship for sex, it’s not okay to pursue one with someone who wants more than that. If you’ve been burned in the past, recognize that every day is a new opportunity to change the pattern. You’re the captain of your own ship. Your well-being should not be left up to another person. Avoiding manipulation requires YOU making your intentions clear from the start.

  3. Recognize red flags.

    If he’s always unavailable on weekends, but he’ll call you at 11 pm on a Wednesday night to “hang out,” that’s a red flag. If you’ve made it clear you want a relationship, but he keeps ignoring the issue, that’s a red flag. If you’ve never meet his friends (or you’re introduced as merely his ‘friend’ if you do), that’s a red flag. If he goes days without answering your texts (unless it’s to set up a cozy Netflix and chill session), that’s a red flag. If he tells you that he’s not looking for anything serious…that’s THE sign it’s not happening.

…Do you see where I’m going with this?

  1. Be honest with yourself.

    All too often, we diminish our feelings to suit the person we’re hoping to impress. I know it can be difficult to assess the situation amid the endless butterflies and infatuated thoughts. But if you really examine the situation, it’s often pretty obvious when a guy is not down for commitment.

  2. The only person you can change is you. 

    At this point, you may be thinking, “I’ll be the one to change his mind!” But I am here to tell you that it doesn’t work that way. If he changes his mind for you, it won’t be because you let him sleep with you, allowed him to repeatedly ignore you, and pretended that you don’t have needs. You deserve love and respect. And this requires loving and respecting yourself. If you want a relationship, and it’s clear that he doesn’t… your friend should find a new sex buddy and you should look for commitment elsewhere.

So – are you setting yourself up for heartbreak? Most of us already have the answers, we’re just too afraid to see them. No amount of calling your girlfriends, reading advice articles, or scrolling through his Instagram will give you the validation you need. You deserve to be honest with yourself, and to find a partner who is honest, too.

How Do I Continue to Not Screw Up this Relationship

by Carlyn Hudsonin RELATIONSHIPS

I have some bad news; I’m still dangerously close to screwing up my relationship. 

I have some bad news; I’m still dangerously close to screwing up my relationship. You assumed everything would magically get easier as time went on too, right? That once you found the right person, all the bullshit you used to pull in other relationships would also disappear, right? Cool, yeah, me too, me too.

Putting Up Walls

Over the past month, I’ve been performing a fun little song and dance I like to call “putting up the walls.” At first I thought I was doing a bang-up job of hiding this fact, but it turns out I’m not such a good actress. As predicted, I wasted 80k on NYU drama school because my boyfriend can see right through that shit.

At this point I’ve invented fun, inventive ways of pushing him way, like making unwarranted comments on his haircut “mmm…I think they took too much off the top,” or suddenly believing in Astrology, “I’m just saying since you’re a water sign and I’m a fire sign, sometimes you can be a downer, by putting out my fire.” Unsurprisingly, he’s not too fond of these comments and we’ve had to address where the f*** they’re coming from.

My Therapist

Enter my therapist. Let’s call her Elaine, because, let’s be honest, is there a better name for a therapist? I think not. Elaine is the name of a dignified, educated woman in Eileen Fisher, zany glasses, and a penchant for NPR’s “All Things Considered.” She is definitely who you want to be your therapist, and I implore each of you to get your own Elaine.

Elaine and I have discovered a few interesting qualities about myself that makes it difficult for me to be in a long-term relationship, the first being, I have control issues. In work, as a director, this serves me very well. In relationships, not so much.

In the beginning, it was adorable! I mean, who doesn’t love a strong, assertive woman? (The answer to that is: many men. Please avoid them.) I remember grocery-shopping with my boyfriend in the first month when I asked his preference on which variety of cheddar to purchase. He let out a gentle chuckle.

“What’s so funny?” I asked.

“Well, it’s just that, you’re only asking me as a formality when we both know you know  exactly which one you want and will buy it regardless of my opinion.”

See: how cute is that?!

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The Art of Compromise in a World of Me

by MONROKin RELATIONSHIPS

“I confronted my mother about this and essentially forced her to get back into bed with my dad and deal.”

I saw an advertisement for the “Sleep Number” mattress on television the other day, advertised as “the mattress for couples.” You can adjust each side of the mattress to meet each individual’s needs. Basically, it’s two separate beds.

My Mom and Dad and a Sleeping Bag

When I was a kid my mother had trouble sleeping due to my father’s asthmatic snoring. One day she decided to set up a sleeping bag for herself in her office. When I had friends come over they would pass by the office and ask “Who sleeps in there?” I was embarrassed to tell them that my parents slept in different rooms, so I would say my cat uses the sleeping bag. I confronted my mother about this and essentially forced her to get back into bed with my dad and deal. She did, and is still next to him now 35 years later.

YOU and Compromise

Couples that sleep together tend to communicate more easily and have even been found to experience better health. In modern society, are we so obsessed with individuality that we can no longer share a mattress with our partner? If we can’t share a mattress, what can we share? What happened to compromise?

Compromise is one of the most essential parts of a relationship; it’s one of the fundamental pillars. We are currently living in the world of the individual: “Be Independent! Just do YOU! YOU are perfect, just the way YOU are!” Wrong, wrong, WRONG! Everyone has things they can work on. Everyone can learn how to compromise; it is a positive skill to hone. If you are that obsessed with being independent, then maybe a relationship is not for you. Being in a relationship IS a compromise in and of itself, because you have to think of someone else every time you make a decision.

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Approaching Dating as a Scientific Experiment

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

If you think about it, relationships are just like scientific experiments: sometimes, no matter the outcomes of dates, the end results can be unpredictable.

A friend of mine was recently having relationship issues and I had to spend some time consoling and counseling her (Don’t worry, I’ve received permission to discuss this!). As she railed against fate, she moaned something about her predicament that really struck me—the need to communicate without assumptions and to not be inclined to think that something is obvious.

At this point, I tried to lighten the mood by pointing out that as a scientist, she should never have made such judgments. After all, what is obvious to one person is often not clear to another and people are rarely quickly convinced in the lab even when the evidence is there. By the same token, how many times are you going to test the hypotheses before you accept you are right or wrong? Also, you can’t go back and read other people’s minds the way you can a lab book (depending on how well the lab book is kept).

This thankfully brought a smile to her face and like a good collaborator, she threw some challenges towards my argument—are relationships then just a series of hypothesis tests?

ARE THEY EVER!!! Just think about it—dating can be considered a series of experiments with different subjects!

Relationships: the ultimate experiment

It even fits the classical written scientific report format with defined sections on the introduction, materials and methods, results, and discussion. My friend was skeptical. All I could do was show her the evidence (like a good scientist), and hope she came to the same conclusions.

1. Introduction

Well, this section is pretty obvious as this is probably when you meet—introduction, get it?!?! Hahaha! Okay I’ll slink back into my cave now. But really, this is when you also assess the relevant history and concepts so that everyone can understand the current situation. And like a scientific report, this is when you’re supposed to engage the subject of your experiment … I mean, date. *Cough*.

In the way that a good introduction to a paper is meant to be selective, not exhaustive, it’s the same for your date. They don’t need to know (yet) all the nitty-gritty of your history until they decide to become an expert in the field, i.e. you.

And remember to figure out the aims and hypothesis—to find out whether this person is the one! You don’t want to get to the end and realize your study has been for naught.

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Relationship Types You Can Find Yourself In

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Before you find “the one,” you’ll date a bunch of other ones. Only the truly lucky find a great relationship—built on compatibility, mutual respect, and sexual attraction—early on.

Most of us have to have all the other types of relationships, to understand what a functional relationship should look like.

Here are 14 types of relationships you will almost certainly have before you find long-term happiness.

CODEPENDENT

In this relationship, you or your partner (or both of you) cannot function without the other person. You feel anxiety and depression when you’re not around one another. Other areas of your life suffer. You’ll often do out of the ordinary things to keep this person’s love—like cancel a trip you planned years ago with friends, to stay with this person, or give up a great job to have more time with your partner.

INDEPENDENT

You’re a “power couple.” Or at least, you think you are. What you really are is this: two people who do not know how or are not willing to compromise and sacrifice for the relationship. You always put yourself ahead of your partner, and visa versa. You’re both highly focused on your careers, or your own separate social lives. You essentially just meet up when it’s convenient for both of you. But love is not a priority.

DOMINATING

At one point, unfortunately, you’ll date someone who controls you. He will set all the rules for the relationship, and you will follow them. Something about this person makes you spineless. You don’t even see how ridiculous his rules are, such as a rule that you not go out with friends without him, or that you stop talking to your male friends, or that all holidays are spent with his family instead of yours. You’ll be under a spell that will be clear to your friends, but for some reason not to you. And you’ll feel great anxiety around ever speaking your mind or demanding something from this person.

REBOUND

You, and possibly the other person involved in this relationship, have just gone through breakups and need love to cover up the pain. This relationship almost never works out because it is built on the fear of facing the reality of your recent breakup, rather than focusing on this new person and whether or not they are compatible for you. So it is fragile.

OPEN

We all get a little new age at some point and give this relationship a try. In this relationship, the two individuals are emotionally committed to one another, but are both free to sleep with other people. This type of relationship mostly only works when both parties aren’t that emotionally invested in one another. And for this reason, it usually ends anyways.

WORKING HARD

You really want love, you meet someone who really wants love, and so you’re willing to make a lot of changes for it. You change the way you talk, dress, think and socialize for him. He does the same for you. You actually have zero interest in one another’s passions and hobbies, but you attend all related event and feign interest. You look happy to the outside world, but it’s actually the most exhausting relationship you’ve ever been in.

TOXIC

Okay, the previous relationship is the second most exhausting relationship you’ll ever be in. This is the one that will leave you feeling emotionally, mentally and physically immobile. The toxic relationship is one in which you and your partner have an extreme attraction to one another, but have such drastically different morals, opinions, or integrity that all you do is fight. You bring out the worst in each other. But you can’t stay away from each other. You’re always on edge in this relationship. It’s like being on a drug: the highs are very high, but the lows leave you incapacitated.

TEMPORARY

It’s fun for now, but you wouldn’t make plans for the future. You couldn’t claim anything is wrong with the guy. You enjoy having sex with him and spending time with him. But that real umph isn’t there—that can’t live without him sensation. But it’s easy, and it’s a good distraction for a while.

BASICALLY FRIENDS

Everything is great except one thing: you and him do not feel like having sex with one another. It feels like kissing your cousin. You can have a fun day, connect on many levels, but when it comes to the bedroom, your blood runs cold.

PURELY SEXUAL

You’ll also have the opposite to the basically friends relationship: the purely sexual one. When you call or text one another, it’s almost always to spend time immediately. You’re mostly in the bedroom together. You have great sexual chemistry, and for some reason never feel compelled to explore your chemistry in other areas.

PRIZE POSSESSION

At one point you will date a rich or insanely handsome man, because you’re just intrigued by what life is like with that guy on your arm. You’ve seen gold diggers who seem happy with filthy rich gentlemen, or your giddy friend who is always with a model. So you give it a go. If you’re an emotionally sound person, you typically can’t carry this one on for long. You crave a real connection.

GOOD ON PAPER

You’ll date one guy because you should. Everybody—your friends, your family, complete strangers—think this guy is perfect. He’s handsome, he has a great job, he has a good sense of humor, he is kind, he is totally marriage and father material and he treats you like a queen. But again, the umph factor is missing. He doesn’t excite you. You can have great conversations, but a certain inexplicable connection just isn’t happening.

LONG DISTANCE

During one of your romantic phases, you’ll try out a long distance relationship. You’ll tell yourself yours will be the one to work out. And you’ll love going to visit him—it will feel like a vacation every time. But eventually, you’ll realize you don’t want to move to him, he doesn’t want to move to you, flights are getting expensive and you’re tired of missing out on what’s going on with your friends back at home.

EMOTIONAL AFFAIR

You probably will not realize it the first time you get into one of these, so we’ll give you a freebee. But at one point, you will develop an intimate, emotional connection with a man who is already in a committed relationship, or when you yourself are in a committed relationship. Nothing physical ever happens, but you share secrets with this person, you get anxious when you’re going to see him, and if you think about it, your or his partner wouldn’t really approve of it.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Up Level Your Relationship – Here’s How

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

“It is astonishing how little one feels alone when one loves.” ~John Bulwer

If there’s one thing we all want, it’s to feel loved.

We want to feel deeply connected to other people, fully seen and appreciated by them, and secure in those relationships.

We can have a million and one acquaintances online, but if none of our connections feel intimate and meaningful, we will ultimately feel alone.

There’s actually some interesting research that shows we tend to value physical possessions less when we feel loved and accepted by others, because relationships can provide a sense of comfort, insurance, and protection. They truly are the most valuable things in our lives.

I remember when I completed my last promotional tour. It’s something I used to do for work—travel around the country promoting products at sporting events, concerts, and retail locations. I chose this career partly because it seemed adventurous, and partly because it allowed me to distract myself with constant change and motion.

Although there were more than 20 people on the tour, I frequently stayed in separate hotels because my responsibility was to care for the tour dog, and the group often stayed in places that didn’t allow pets.

I’d just decided to leave NYC shortly before this job, after slowly climbing out of years of self-loathing, depression, and isolation. I wanted nothing more than to make real friendships, but I simply didn’t know how.

I saw it happening all around me. I saw women forming bonds that I knew would last for years, while I frequently felt awkward and insecure. I saw romantic relationships blossoming, while I had a superficial fling with someone I hardly knew, who hardly knew me back.

Though I was trying to open up to people and create space for them to open up as well, I still felt alone, love-deprived, and terrified that these feelings would endure. As a consequence, I frequently sabotaged myself and potential connections.

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7 Steps for Loving Someone With a Mental Illness

by RJ Newellin LOVE

Are you constantly worried about your partner’s mental illness? Are you afraid that things will never get better?

The National Alliance on Mental Illness states that 1 in 4 people will suffer from a mental illness this year. 1 in 17 people continue to live with chronic mental illnesses such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or major depression. The chances are pretty high that you will fall in love with someone who suffers from a mental illness or mood disorder. It’s also extremely likely that you’ll both find unexpected obstacles on the road to happy endings. No love story is complete without a few bumps in the road, but mental illnesses can throw a lot of unexpected hurdles into the mix.

That said, I’m here to deliver good news.

Your relationship is not doomed. The very fact that you’re reading this article is a sign that you care deeply about your partner, and that is immensely valuable. You are taking time to do your research. That’s important. The more you know about mental illness, the better off you’ll be in overcoming it together.

More good news:

If your partner suffers from a mood disorder or mental illness, this does not make them weak. Behind every “I’m fine” lives a special kind of strength that’s not common for the average person. That said, If your partner is not aware of their own mental illness, or you feel they are endangering you or themselves, stop reading and help them find professional help immediately. If your partner is emotionally, mentally or physically abusive toward you, get as far away as possible.

This article is not meant to diagnose or treat mental illness. It’s about loving someone in active recovery. I’m going to assume, for the sake of this article, that your partner loves you and wants to make you happy. Your partner wants to overcome their illness. And they’re trying.

I’m trying.

The morning after a difficult night, my brain sounds a little like this: I feel so ashamed of my [meltdown/episode/panic attack/etc]. I wish he didn’t have to see that. I want to be better. I want to make my partner as happy as he makes me. I would love to go the rest of my life without this happening again…but what if it does? What if I never get better?

And then my partner wakes up and says he loves me. And I find strength. My mind discards my toxic thoughts and decides: I will keep fighting – for both of us. Opening my heart to my partner and committing to making him happy was the biggest decision I ever made. I worried my issues would make me unlovable, that it would become too much for him. I still deal with those fears. But time and time again, my partner proves me wrong. He reminds me that he’s in this, with me.

Mental illness has not made us weaker than the average couple. I think it’s made us stronger.

Now, you may be wondering –If your partner struggles being happy, how can you be happy together? If your lover is afraid to leave the house, how will you go on adventures? If they suffer panic attacks when you feel everything is going well, what’s going to happen when life throws in new challenges? 

It’s a learning process. My partner didn’t always know how to cope, and in many ways we’re still learning. But in spite of the struggles we’ve faced, our relationship has been overwhelmingly happy.

Many people confuse need with neediness. Know the difference: If a person has an asthma attack, you give them an inhaler. If a person has a panic attack, the antidote is equally important. This may be my battle, but I’m not the only one fighting. And that has made all the difference.

As the partner of a person with a mental illness, you are also at war. Here are your weapons.

Step 1: Know your enemy.

Understand your partner’s illness – causes, symptoms, and recommended treatments. Most mental illnesses can be overcome. Your partner most likely isn’t “crazy” – they’re a regular person who needs help overcoming trauma or negative childhood programming. Understanding this can be the difference between alienating your partner and growing closer with them. If they go to therapy, show your support by encouraging them. Talk with them about what they’re going through. And if you both go to therapy, that’s even better. For your partner, knowing that you’ve got their back is a huge deal. And the more you know about the monster, the better equipped you’ll be to fight it. This means becoming familiar with your partners emotional triggers, coping strategies, and what they need in moments of crisis.

Step 2: Don’t leave your partner in the battlefield – but make some distance if you need to.

If you’ve graduated Step 1, you know what they’re dealing with. You understand the monumental effort it takes for them to cope with their pain, and you know that support from you is critical for their recovery. So if (or when) the battle gets too intense and you’re suddenly unable to cope, make it clear that you love them and that you’re not leaving. Then step away. Why? Read step 3.

Step 3: Take care of you.

To play on a team, all players need to develop their strength individually in order to work well as a unit. This is ultimately their battle. They know this. On airplanes, when the oxygen masks come down, you’re told to put yours on before helping anyone else. Here’s why: you can’t help anyone if you’re suffocating. Once you’re able to breathe again, you’re strong enough to assist your partner.

Step 4: Reassure them. A lot.

With anxiety and trauma-induced disorders especially, we worry. A lot. If you told your partner you loved them this morning, by the afternoon and they might be falling into a spiral of doubt. They may believe you when you say you love them, but certain mental illnesses can make it difficult to retain the feeling. It might feel ridiculous to reassure them so much, but it’s better to say ‘I love you’ too much than too little. Think of your relationship as an hourglass. Flip it over with reminders every once in a while, so the love keeps flowing.

Step 5: Don’t beat yourself up. It’s okay to give them space.

It’s important to separate yourself from their illness. If they’re unhappy because of you, you’ll know. But if they’re dealing with the symptoms of their mental illness, it’s not your job to feel responsible for it. I love my partner, but when I’m unhappy as a result of my illness, it actually makes it worse if he blames himself. Guilt and fear go hand in hand – one exacerbates the other. Your only job is to be supportive and understanding. Relationships are a two-way street, and you can’t do all the work, all the time. Just like drinkers at the pub like to say: know your limit, play within it. It’s not always your fault. Sometimes they need space to recover, just like you do. If you’re struggling with guilt, go back to Step 3 and repeat.

Step 6: Let your partner love you.

Your partner is not helpless. They can take care of you, too. Let them! Spend quality time together and see each other for what you are – two people in love. Mental illness is like having a physical ailment – if you spend every waking moment worrying about it, you miss out on life.

Step 7: L-I-V-E.

Mental illness thrives on fear. It eats fear for breakfast, it drinks fear at night. Lucky for us…Love is stronger than fear. In my favorite film, Harold and Maude, Maude says: “Reach out. Take a chance. Get hurt even. But play as well as you can. Go team, go!” All you can do is your best. Do that, and let love take care of the rest.

*Source: National Alliance on Mental Illness

What Matters to these Couples and Why We Should Care

by zfortadminin LOVE

Love is love.

Interracial relationships are beautiful.

This country didn’t always think so, however, since it wasn’t until less than 50 years ago that it became legal for mixed race couples to marry.

On June 12, 1967, the Supreme Court struck down state laws which banned individuals of different races from marrying in the Loving v. Virginia decision. Sunday marks the 48th annual celebration of this progressive milestone, aptly named “Loving Day.”

“I see Richard and Mildred Loving as strong yet soft-spoken heroes for me, my family, and generations to come,” Loving Day founder Ken Tanable wrote of the couple who helped make this decision possible. “They simply loved each other and wanted equality for all. This basic notion of celebrating love continues to be just as important today. I strongly encourage everyone to learn more about them and the gift they left us. Through knowledge, shared stories, and support, we can build a community that believes love is love.”

To celebrate Loving Day, HuffPost Black Voices asked its readers who are in interracial marriages and relationships to share their love with us. We received 30 responses from couples echoing Tanable’s sentiments and telling why their love matters. Their love for each other is absolutely heart warming.

Check out these wonderful couples below and if you’re in an interracial relationship, tell us why your love matters in the comments sections below.

TaRaea and Bryan

“My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years and together for almost 9 years. Both of our parents are in interracial marriages that have lasted 30+ years.Our parents embodied the freedom to love someone based on who they are, regardless of their skin color. We are immensely thankful for Mr. & Mrs. Loving for fighting for the basic human right of marring whomever you want.” – TaRaea Todtenhoefer

Keosha and Jonathan

“Our interracial relationship matters because love isn’t simple but family is. We are getting married in August of this year, and it each day I see the strength in our love and our family. I have no need to prove our love to people who assume we are not together because the idea of a black woman and a white man being in love is beyond their reality, and quite frankly, confuses them. I cannot stop people who see me holding his son’s (now my son’s) hand in the street from assuming that I am the nanny. Not seeing our love makes things complicated and fuels an ignorance that has plagued our society for generations. I realized that I cannot fix those thoughts in people. I can just love my family. Yes, I am Black and he is White but more importantly, he is the man that loves me. And just as important, I love him.” – Keosha Bond and Jonathan Shank

Franklyn and Niki

“My relationship with my girlfriend Niki matters to me because I can freely love someone who makes me a better person and keeps me happy. She understands that being with me will be a challenge, especially in a world where some people think interracial couples are to be looked down upon. One of the most important things about my relationship is that she loves me being unapologetically Black. 

The amount of love I feel isn’t quantifiable. I’ve been with Niki for less than a year, and we’re already having our first child, but I feel so connected to her in multiple ways. Knowing that less than fifty years ago, she and I could have never been together is a daunting thought. When loving someone becomes a crime, upheld by white supremacy, I think of how fortunate I am to have someone like her.” – Franklyn Brown

David and Karl

“My relationship with my partner, Karl, matters most of all because we support each other, bring joy to each other, and help challenge each other to become our best selves.

But in doing that, we daily commit “personal as political” acts that we believe have an impact, however subtle, on how others perceive both race and sexual orientation.  As an interracial couple, we demonstrate that individuals of different races have more in common than not. This is particularly important in the gay community where race continues to be a polarizing factor in the pursuit of sexual and romantic interactions.  In the hetero-normative world, our presence has a double impact, helping to break down pre-conceived notions regarding racial divisions as well as challenging others regarding how they view same-sex relationships.A recent event serves as an illustration: we attended Karl’s 25th college reunion at Colgate University in early June.  By publicly identifying and acting as a loving couple in a mostly white and heterosexual environment, our presence required his classmates, other attendees, and their families to acknowledge our legitimacy as a gay couple and as an interracial couple.  As we also attended several events for Alumni of Color, we served a similar purpose in those social situations.” – David Pasteelnick

Jasmine and Roope

“My wonderful partner, Roope, was living 4000 miles away in Finland when we met during his first visit to New York City in 2014. We fell in love deeply and quickly soon after that. Our interracial relationship matters because we can live, laugh, and love out in the open and free of ridicule, which is a privilege that I know many still do not have even in 2016. We have both learned a lot about each other’s cultures and how different life is when you’re both a different race and nationality in America. Our relationship has opened both our minds to each other’s worlds and, I think, we’ve become better people because of it.“ – Jasmine Bayron

Sharon and Vincent

“Love transcends racial and cultural differences.  Although we come from very different backgrounds, the two of us share important values.  The silk screen in the background of our wedding picture says it all, ‘One Race-Human-One Love.’” – Sharon Dole

Chima and Laura

“Since youth, I was told that I was only allowed to marry a girl of my own race. I was warned that straying away from my dark brown skin was unethical, and unacceptable. I was informed that a relationship outside of my melanin could never work. Until I met my Laura. She was the first person to ever disprove the warnings I had been given, and helped me realize that I can truly spend my life with someone despite our differences in pigmentation. My relationship matters, because in Laura, I found a best friend, a lover, and a soon to be wife. None of this would have been possible without Loving v. Virginia.” – Chima Odinkemere

Tre and Jamie

“We are not a couple because of, or in spite of, our race or ethnicity. We are with each other because of the individuals we are and the love we share. Race and culture play a big part in our identity and life, but what makes us appreciate one another is how we as individuals integrate our experiences, think about things, and react to situations. We both believe that our relationship is more interesting than any previous, and part of the reason is our differing races. We have learned a lot about diversity from one another. While we have learned more about the cultures each one of us is from, we have also found that our relationship has made us more understanding of how individuals from all different cultures vary in amazing ways. Noticing differences in race and ethnicity does not make us think that people should be separated by their skin tone, but rather, it makes us realize that we should all come together because we have so much to learn from one another. (And we have so much different, delicious food to share among cultures!) We choose to share what we have learned from our interracial relationship with family, friends, and classmates in the hopes of spreading, understanding and promoting acceptance of diversity. The two of us have been open and honest about race and its impacts on our relationship and society as a whole from the beginning and we will continue to do so, even if the conversations get tough. All in all, we know that we are in an awesome relationship and we wouldn’t trade it for anything.” – Jamie Bergmiller

Susanna and Nikia

“My interracial relationship matters because I want our future children to look at us and experience freedom, on so many levels. When kids can see the future of the world in front of them, a reality that has overcome (but continues to fight) racism, homophobia and sexism, then we start to see real change in our lifetime. I want them to live in and celebrate that freedom.” – Susanna Speed

Darrell and Keia

“My interracial relationship matters because it shows what love really is. Two people being brought together to share their life. Skin tone should not be deal breaker for anyone. Loving a person’s heart, mind, and spirit is what’s important. Looks will fade but knowing you are with someone that is your partner in life (and sometimes crime lol) is what matters when my boobs drop and his six pack fades, we will be sitting on the porch talking crazy to another. #loveislove” – Keia Foster

April and Parker

“This is my boyfriend Parker and I. We met as campus counselors in Oklahoma. We met from his sister introducing us and we hit it off right before sophomore year of college! We found out we both went to the same college and from there it was chemistry! I love him so much and wouldn’t change a thing. We have been together for almost two years. Our interracial relationship matters because we love each other beyond our skin color and our cultures. We have to fight everyday basic prejudice from others, but we know we want to have a life together one day.Our families were initially hesitant but are both behind us. We do plan to marry soon. Our relationship matters for other people like us who want to love in the open without being banned from their families and they just want to love who they want freely. #LovingDay” – April Garrett

Olivia and Matt

“There are so many reasons why he is my person, but one reason he’s special is because he is so incredibly woke. I’ve never met a white man that tries so hard to be in tune with the black American experience. He’s been raising his adopted 17 year old African-American brother for the past 5 years since his mom passed. From watching (and re-watching) “Lemonade” or “Girlhood” to attending panels with Janet Mock and Angelica Ross or discussing the PBS Black Panthers documentary, he’s such a gem! I was so nervous to show him my natural hair, but on this day, he said he wanted to get “crown crunk.” It’s not the most flattering picture of us, but I love it. And him ✨” – Olivia Morris

Adia and Benjamin

“My relationship matters because it’s rooted in our shared faith in God and deep respect for who were are as individuals. Our relationship has helped bridge the gap on a small scale; of cultural divides in our social circles. This is my first inter-racial relationship and his and we’ve learned there are differences, but not as many as we both originally believed. Loving Ben is like home to me, a home that has no color or limitations.” – Adia Hamer

Nora and Todd

“Our interracial relationship matters because we prove to the world everyday that love has and should have no boundaries. We have been together for 25 years and have 3 amazing children. We have experienced our share of racism and bigotry from all sides but we remain and will remain steadfast in our conviction that love sees no color, and despite hardships our love is stronger and our bond is unbreakable.“ – Nora Johnson

Altheria and Francisco

“Francisco is as proud of his Mexicanness as I am of my Blackness! Instead of pretending to be blind to our differences, we acknowledge our cultural backgrounds as they have helped shaped us into the individuals we each love and admire. Our distinct cultural traditions make our lives rich and vibrant! We watch Mexican soccer and we watch U.S. football. We celebrate Dr. Martin Luther King and we celebrate Cesar Chavez. We eat tortillas and we eat cornbread. We listen to Maná and we listen to Beyoncé. We speak English, and we speak Spanish.

As individuals of color, we have a shared consciousness of how colonialism and racism and nativism and capitalism continually work together to oppress our folk. Our relationship matters for many reasons, but perhaps most importantly because we are a symbol of resistance. We resist those who want to define interracial love as deviant. Our union is not miscegenation. There is nothing “mis” or “bad” about it. Instead, it is a striking amalgamation of all the richness that our cultures means to us. Our relationship matters because we choose to live and love in a society that is intent and strategic in positioning Mexicans and Blacks at odds with each other. We resist this positioning. Through our friends and family, we are purposeful in bringing members of both ethnicities together. We were married on March 28 last year in Guadalajara, Mexico. Since our first date in 2012, we have visited more than ten countries together, our mere presence attesting to our right to choose the partner who makes our hearts sing and to the beauty of Blexican love!” – Altheria Caldera

Curated by Erbe
Original Article