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Can’t You Just Apologize? The Power of Owning Up

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

“Sincere apologies are for those that make them, not for those to whom they are made.” ~ Greg LeMond

When I was growing up, every time I took my sister’s toy or called my brother names, my mother would grab me by the wrist and demanded that I offer an apology. What’s more, if the apology didn’t sound meaningful enough to her, I had to repeat it until my tone was genuine. An apology was the basic reaction to any mistake.

Now that I’m older, I see apologizing as more than just a household rule. My younger self didn’t understand the complexities of human pride and self-righteousness, but my older self does.

Now, I see family members refusing to talk to each other for years after an argument just because neither side wants to be the first to let go of their pride and “break down and apologize.” But who decided apologizing was a sign of weakness?

I think we’ve reached a day and age where showing emotional vulnerability can be viewed as a positive rather than a negative quality.

People are becoming more aware of ideas like empathy and sensitivity, and everywhere we are being encouraged to talk about our feelings, to seek help, and to connect with others. Gone are the days of keeping everything bottled up inside to suffer alone.

As we move forward in this time of self-knowledge and self-discovery, it’s vital to acquire the ability to recognize our own mistakes. Nobody is perfect, and we all will do something to hurt another person at some point in our lives. The difference, however, lies acknowledging that we have done something wrong.

This was hard for me to grasp, because I was taught that an apology should be an automatic response.

It took me a long time to realize what it meant to say “I’m sorry” from the heart. Apologizing just for the sake of apologizing is meaningless. We cannot genuinely apologize if we can’t admit to ourselves that we made a mistake.

This is where humility comes in. Can we look at ourselves in the mirror and say that it was at least partly our fault? Can we take that responsibility?

Placing the blame on someone else is easy. Making excuses and skirting the subject is easy. Assuming the full weight of blame on our own shoulders, however, is very hard.

I learned this the hard way with a childhood friend of mine. As we grew older, we started becoming more competitive in the things we did together, and eventually the playful competition went a little too far.

It became a game of silently trying to prove who was better, and we ended up hurting each other over our pride.

We refused to apologize or even address what was going on because neither wanted to be the one to “give in.”

The tension kept growing, breaking apart our friendship. I wish I could go back now, because if I had taken responsibility for the mistakes I made, we probably could have resolved it easily and saved our friendship.

Instead, I let my pride take priority over my relationships with the people around me.

Learning to apologize is the first and most important step in the healing process. Not only does it show the recipient that you acknowledge their right to feel hurt, but it opens the way to forgiveness.

It seems so silly, really. I mean, it’s only two tiny words. How can something so small be so powerful?

Well, there have been various scientific studies on the power of apologizing, which have demonstrated that when the victim receives an apology from his offender, he develops empathy toward that person, which later develops more quickly into forgiveness.

This is due to the fact that when we receive an apology, we feel that our offender recognizes our pain and is willing to help us heal.

Timing is an important aspect to keep in mind, as well, because sometimes the other person might not be ready to accept your apology. Sometimes we need to allow time to heal the wounds a little bit before we come forward to say “I’m sorry.”

An apology cannot undo what has been done, but it can help ease the pain and tension of the aftermath. It gives hope for rebuilding, and puts value on the relationship rather than the individual’s pride.

Sometimes people don’t even realize the hurt they are creating around them by failing to take responsibility for their actions. Maybe it’s you, maybe it’s someone you know, but everyone knows someone who has suffered from this at some time.

Now is the time to make a change.

Often times those two simple words are worth more than a lifetime of excuses and explanations.

Choose the path of humility. Choose the path of healing. Choose love above pride. Choose to apologize.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

What Men Find Sexy About You That You Would Never Guess

by zfortadminin LOVE, Sex

If you’re sure your man is turned off by your trackie bottoms or make-up-free-face, think again.

No Make-up

Apparently women spend more than #180,000 in a lifetime on beauty products, but Relate counsellor Mo Kurimbokus says we don’t need to. “When a woman doesn’t wear make-up, her natural beauty is on display. “Also, some men find it a huge turn-off to kiss a woman and find that they are smeared with lipstick. Make-up can sometimes act as a barrier rather than a come-on.”

Rounded stomachs

We’ve all craved abs like Geri Halliwell’s but men actually find a potbelly attractive. Mo says: “Men like women to feel soft and curvy, so a little potbelly can be a turn-on and give a woman that natural look. “If she’s not ‘perfect’, then he doesn’t feel he has to be either.”

Wrinkles

“Wrinkles bother women more than they do men, as they feel it often spells a loss of youth,” Mo says. “Wrinkles can spell experience, which can trigger thoughts of them having great sex together – a huge turn-on for him.”

Stretch Marks

Those silvery lines are the bane of most women’s lives but some men actually like them! Mo explains: “What really does it for a man is a woman who is natural. “Stretch marks remind a man of the child they created together and her commitment to him. It is also an intimate detail of a woman’s body that only he is privy to.”

Phoning Him When You’re Drunk

After a night out with the girls, a phone call to confess how much you miss him seems like a good idea at the time. But Simon Moore, Academic Leader in Psychology at London Metropolitan University, says: “Letting people know how you feel is both reassuring and attractive. We all like compliments.”

Drinking Pints

Gone are the days when your man orders a pint, with “a half for the lady”. Simon says: “Drinking what you want and not caring what people think show that you are confident with yourself and the choices you make in life.”

Small Boobs

It’s not all about glamour models for some men. Simon says: “Small breasts are usually pert and this is an indication of youth and physical health. Men are more wired to seek signs of youth and vitality, indicators that she could bear children.”

Mismatching Underwear

Most women save the lacy stuff for special occasions and opt for comfort. Relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall explains: “Men love catching you in mismatching underwear because it looks like you weren’t planning on having sex, but they’ve managed to persuade you.”

Smudged Make-up

This is something that happens when we forget to take our make-up off after a night out. Surprisingly, as Paula explains: “Men find this sexy because you look like you’ve just made love. It reminds them of how great the afterglow of sex feels.”

Walking Home From a Club in Bare Feet

Heels look fabulous, but won’t feel it after dancing. Psychologist Ingrid Collins says: “Bare feet have a hint of nudity. Walking barefoot suggests naturalness and a rebel against convention, and can clue a man in to fantasies of wildness.”

Grown-out Highlights

The upkeep on highlights can be huge, but maybe you shouldn’t bother. Paula explains: “Like women, men also like a bit of rough. The unkempt roots probably remind him of the girls his mum said he should avoid – which makes them doubly attractive.”

Getting the Punchline of a Joke Wrong

We’ve all been there, sitting in the pub, everyone listening intently as you run through the latest joke you heard at the office – until you forget the ending. Mo says: “Men can be intimidated by intellectual women, so getting it wrong makes her far less intimidating and they can relax in her company. It shows vulnerability and triggers his protective instinct.”

Women Who Are Good with Kids

If you reckon your man is rolling his eyes as you play with nieces and nephews, think again. Mo explains: “It gives him visual evidence that she is patient and caring, and reminds him of his mother’s unconditional love.”

Wearing Tracksuit Bottoms and a Baggy Shirt to Bed

When we pass a certain point in our relationship, going to bed in saucy nightwear is replaced with a need for comfort. Ingrid says: “Very casual clothes suggest the woman is relaxed and confident about herself, and a man can find this very sexy.”

Muffin Top

You might think skinny jeans are impossible to wear without getting that tell-tale roll of flab over the waistband. But, according to Paula, men think a little muffin top is cute.

“The curvy shape is synonymous with fertility so the soft fleshiness is tapping directly into his unconscious evolutionary desires.”

WHAT THE GUYS SAY

Christopher Nelson, 28, a claims adjuster from Wales, says: “I think it’s really sexy when a girl is good at banter and can give back as good as she gets.”

Andrew Widdowson, 27, a plasterer from Sheffield, says: “Bed hair is so sexy. My girlfriend looks great with it, and it reminds me of the amazing night we had before!”

Andrew Wellwood, 29, a salesman from Yorkshire, says: “I love those dimples on a girl’s back just above her bum. When they lean over and I can see them, it conjures up saucy images in my head.”

Mark Spence, 30, a writer from Belfast, says: “I think the sexiest part of my girl’s body is her neck, it looks really stroke-able. There’s nothing nicer or sweeter than nuzzling into your girlfriend’s neck.”

James Village, 27, a businessman from Manchester, says: “Girls who play with the hair at the back of their head are a real turn-on. It reveals their neck, which is a really sexy place on a woman.”

Gareth Carter, 35, an IT specialist from Preston, says: “I’m into racing and love the way my girlfriend comes with me, though she’s not interested. And all without moaning – unlike me when I go shopping with her.”

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

The 7 Most Frustrating Types You’ll Meet on Dating Sites

by Kelley Lynnin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Of course, there are many amazing single men out there looking for love but here are…

Five and a half years ago, at age 39, I was widowed suddenly. For a long time after that, I absolutely detested it when anyone would refer to me as being “single.” It was insulting to me. Single people hung out at singles bars and went out at night looking to meet other single people. Single people had a choice, or some version of a choice in their single-ness. Not me. My husband was dead. My life was ripped apart from me in one shocking second. I was widowed, NOT single, and there is a huge difference.

I didn’t want anything to do with the single life. I wanted no part of it. I just wanted my husband back. Now, years later, I still feel that way, because I still and will always want my husband back, and want that life that I had and never got to fulfill. But, I’m also human. And humans get lonely. Humans need to feel loved. Humans need companionship, and to spend time with other humans whose company they enjoy. So, sometime last spring, I attempted something I didn’t think I would ever attempt in my lifetime. And after my experiences, I honestly cant really see myself ever attempting it again. Dating sites.

To say this experiment has been interesting, is the understatement of the century. It has been downright weird and bizarre. Now don’t get me wrong. I have met some very nice people on these sites over the 10 months or so that I did it, here and there. But the weirdness and the confusion far outweigh the “nice”, at least in my experience. And the whole concept of meeting people this way, is extremely strange and foreign to me, still. Maybe because I am 45 years old. Maybe I’m just old school. Maybe this just doesn’t work for me. Or maybe its just weird and that’s just the way it is. I don’t really know. Yet here I am, stuck in this world of “unwillingly single.” And although I don’t have much interest in continuing to meet people this way currently, I have remained on 2 of the sites, mostly for comedic purposes (it sure gives great material for articles like this one!) If you are new to dating sites, one thing to take note of is that when you first join, you are like “fresh meat” for all the members. The responses are overwhelming at first, and yes, flattering. You start to think: “Hey, a lot of people think I’m attractive! This isn’t so bad!” Then you realize fairly quickly, that a good portion of those people are completely off-their-rocker-bonkers. After you are on the sites for a few months, the novelty wears off. Unless you are blonde and skinny with a perfectly sized body, all those multiple messages per day you were getting, telling you how gorgeous you are, start to wither away. So, even though I have remained on 2 of the sites, its mostly due to laziness of deleting my account. (I do the free ones. I’m not PAYING for this shit-fest!!!) The sites have been mostly silent as of late, aside from a random message now and then from a complete weirdo.

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Are You Compatible? Fighting and These Relationship Habits Can Tell You

by zfortadminin LOVE

Can you pass the compatibility test?

There are some pretty well-established relationship qualities that confirm you and your new partner are a match made in heaven: excellent communication, a feeling of giddiness and delight when you are together, a sense of ease and comfort. But what are the weirdest signs you’re compatible? At first sight, they might make you stop and scratch your head and say, “Hmm … really?” But after you stop and consider it for a little while, they actually start to make sense, even though they are certainly not normal conventions of what stellar relationships look like. It’s the wild and wacky stuff that just makes you good together, even though it maybe doesn’t completely make sense. That kind of stuff.

I reached out to dating and relationship experts to find out what kinds of things they’d nominate for this list, because all I could think of was a mutual love of Seinfeld, When Harry Met Sally, and long meals in bed. (Best match ever!) Here are 12 ways you can tell if you’re compatible with your partner that you’ve never thought of before. Take that, haters who secretly thought you’d never find the perfect, head-over-heels, drunk-in-love match of the gods!

1. You’re The Same Kind Of Shopper

Nope, didn’t see that one coming. “If you’re both bargain hunters, you’re more likely to be compatible than if one of you is a spender and the other a saver,” New-York–based relationship expert and author April Masini tells Bustle. Ohh. Yeah, that sounds about right.

“Money is a big deal in relationships, and shopping is a daily or weekly event, whether it’s just buying gas for the car, or food shopping, clothing shopping, shopping for a new car, a new condo or new furniture. When you have similar shopping habits, you’re less likely to fight over money and more likely to have an easier time together in a relationship.” So spendthrift + spendthrift = love, and miser + miser = love, but as for spendthrift + miser, well, ne’er the two shall meet. Got it.

2. Your Mutual Friends On Facebook Are Blowing Up

Do you have, like, 100 mutual buddies on FB? A lot of friends in common is a sign of mutual compatibility, life coach Kali Rogers tells Bustle. “Before online dating hit the internet, the majority of couples met through mutual friends,” she says “If you share a lot of the same network, chances are you share similar tastes and values, considering you hang out with a lot of the same people.” And this could lead to a happy, healthy relationship. Plus, you already know lots of each other’s friends, so you already have that part down pat. Easy-peasy.

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5 Ways to Know if You Are in a Real Partnership

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

One of the perks of being married is having a life partner who is just as committed to making the marriage work as you are.

Unfortunately, not all couples enjoy a true partnership.

In a true partnership, both husband and wife can express themselves without fear of judgment, work together towards common goals and have equal influence over important decisions. They are able to grow emotionally psychologically and spiritually as a result of their happy marriage.

What Does It Mean To Be True Partners?

1. Equal influence over important decisions

An equal balance of power and influence in decision making is necessary for a healthy relationship. This is because no one wants to be in relationship where their opinions are constantly ignored or their decisions constantly overruled. Both husband and wife should be able to express their thoughts and opinions freely without fear of being shut down.

2. Equal commitment to the relationship

In a true partnership, both parties are equally committed to the marriage. They have a similar amount of emotional investment in the relationship and they both want it to succeed. If there is a problem in the marriage, they both work hard to find a solution.

3. Common goals

Your spouse is not just your life partner but also your partner in personal growth and self-actualization. When you have common goals, you motivate each other to grow and become better people. Also, working on your goals together strengthens your marriage.

4. Equal personal responsibility

In a healthy marriage both parties take equal responsibility for the problems in the marriage. They do not waste time playing the blame game or going over what should/ would/ could have happened. Instead, they admit their mistakes and focus on coming up with possible solutions.

5. Honesty

True partners are always honest with each other. They know that lying to protect the other person’s feelings rarely ends well. This does not mean that they are brutally honest with each other; they are kind and honest at the same time.

There is nothing better in marriage than having a true life partner. Follow this advice to learn how you can be a true partner to your spouse.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

5 Ways You Can Make a Long Distance Relationship Work

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

What comes to mind when you think about surviving a long-distance relationship?

Do you experience negative or positive emotions? Whether you have been in a long-distance relationship for a while, or recently started a long-distance relationship, it’s important for the both of you to be on the same page.

Being in a long-distance relationship is a challenge, but definitely worthwhile if you are committed to developing your relationship. A long-distance relationship can either bring the two of you closer together, or pull you further apart. I want to share with you the top 5 precedents that my husband and I used while we were in a long-distance relationship. I highly suggest that you share this article with your partner. There will be a “Take Action” exercise at the end of each precedent that I encourage the both of you to implement. This article is not really about just “surviving” a long-distance relationship, it’s about developing and growing your long-distance relationship.

Precedent #1: Be Committed

When you are in a long-distance relationship, it’s important for the both of you to know that you are equally committed to developing the relationship. Why bother being in a long-distance relationship when one or both of you are not committed? You might as well just have it be a fling and then find someone locally. So, the first precedent to surviving a long-distance relationship is to both be committed to maintaining and developing your relationship.

Take Action:

Spend some quality time talking with your partner about the commitment that you have in the relationship. It’s important that the both of you are on the same page when it comes to investing your time and energy into it. It’s all about effective communication and knowing that you are just as committed as your partner. Simply ask your partner, “Are you committed to developing our relationship?” The sooner you’re able to be on the same page, the sooner you’ll know if this relationship is worth your time and energy. Wouldn’t you rather know where your partner is at now instead of investing so much and possibly finding out later that they’re not as committed as you thought? Be open and make sure that you’re on the same page when it comes to the level of commitment in the relationship.

Precedent #2: Write it down

Surviving a long-distance relationship is definitely a challenge, but when you know what your partner plans on doing in developing your relationship, you will feel much more secure. It’s important for you and your partner to write down on a piece of paper the commitments that both of you plan on living out every single day in developing your relationship. My husband and I did this while we were in a long-distance relationship and eventually used these commitments for our vows on our wedding day. I’m not saying write down your future wedding vows, I’m sharing this with you because I want you to know the power of writing down your commitments to each other.

Take Action:

Use whatever kind of communication that the two of you have and take the time to write down your commitments to each other. I would suggest using either Skype or FaceTime when doing this exercise. It would be best to actually see your partner. Start off by writing, “My commitment to (your partner’s name)…” Then start writing down the commitments that you plan on following through with every single day. Some examples may be sending your partner a text message during your lunch break or calling your partner after you get home from work. You decide the commitments you plan on doing for your partner. Take some time to write down the commitments that you have for your partner and vice versa. Once you’ve finished writing them down, say them out loud to your partner. Once you’ve shared your commitments, make a copy of them and send the original to your partner and have them send their original to you. This way, your partner will have your commitments to them, and you will have their commitments to you. Have these commitments in a place where you see them daily. This will really help in staying connected with your partner.

Precedent #3: Take the time to visit

You may have a busy schedule with work, but when you are committed to developing your relationship, you will take the time to visit your partner. You may have to do some planning around your schedule, but when you make the effort to visit, your partner not only feels important but you are able to physically spend quality time together to develop your connection. And when you do visit your partner, make sure it’s quality time. It’s all about planning. When you visit your partner, spend time focusing on loving them. If you can help it, don’t be on any business phone calls or dealing with work while you’re there. The secret to taking the time to visit your partner is to spend 100% quality time with them.

Take Action:

Take a look at your schedule and plan on visiting your partner. Depending upon the distance, you may have to save up some money before visiting. But when you’re able to plan ahead and save as much money as you need, you’re showing your partner that you care and that you want to develop the relationship. When you continue to make excuses and don’t take the time to visit your partner, that’s a clear indication that you’re not committed to developing your relationship. You may want to add how many times you want to visit in your commitments to your partner.

Precedent #4: Think long-term

This goes back to precedent #1 of being committed. With commitment, you will need to also think long-term. Where do you see this relationship going in the long run? You will need to take some time to reflect on why you’re in this relationship? Some of us end up being in a relationship because we’re lonely or just want to say that we’re with someone. Make sure you are in your relationship for the right reasons.

Take Action:

What does the future look like with your current relationship? Do you see yourself being with this person for the long run? If you’re unsure, why? What are the key issues that need to be discussed with your partner? I want you to take the time to communicate these questions with your partner. Remember how I’ve shared with your the importance of being on the same page? Well, it’s important to be on the same page when it comes to long-term commitment. If you or your partner are experiencing certain issues like lack of trust or jealousy, it’s important for you to have an open discussion about these issues. If you feel stuck, I would suggest that the both of you seek counseling. It’s always helpful when you can have a third person who can look at your relationship without any attachments or emotions involved.

Precedent # 5: Be Real

When it comes to surviving a long-distance relationship and growing the connection with your partner, you need to always be real. It’s important to know who you are and express the real essence of you to your partner. We all know that during the beginning stages of dating, we experience that “Cloud Nine” feeling where we see our partner as being perfect. But we all have imperfections and eventually these will come out. There is nothing wrong with having imperfections, we’re only human. Make sure that you share with your partner all aspects of you, not just the good ones. Don’t play any games! This is a big NO-NO when it comes to being in a relationship. Being real and not playing any games will help you and your partner truly get to know each other. How can you possibly get to know your partner when they are playing games and not being their real selves?

Take Action:

Take some time to reflect upon who you are. Are you staying true to yourself? Are you expressing the real you or are you playing games and putting up a façade just so your partner likes you? It’s important for you to ask these questions because this is an important aspect of building the foundation in your relationship.

These are the top precedents that my husband and I set in our relationship from the very beginning and still use today. When you’re able to set good precedents in your relationship, you are building a solid foundation. When you don’t have any precedents in your relationship, the foundation is weak and will fall apart. Surviving a long-distance relationship is all about creating and maintaining a solid foundation!

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Love or Drugs: Do You Have an Addict Lover that Can’t Choose?

by zfortadminin LOVE

Love or Drugs?

A Hopeless Ultimatum: ‘It’s Me or the Drugs’.

When you love an addict, you spend a lot of time and energy hoping he or she will change. You probably put up with a lot of unacceptable behavior. The addict may steal from you, lie to you and make promises that he doesn’t keep. He or she may disappear for days on end and neglect you or other family members, including children. The person you fell in love with doesn’t seem to be there anymore.

You may reach a point that you feel you can’t take it anymore and you threaten to leave. You issue the ultimate threat:

It’s drugs or me.

You hope he’ll choose you. You expect him to choose you. Anyone who really loved you would choose you, wouldn’t he?

It’s not that simple.

The Nature of Addiction

The nature of addiction is that the addict is obsessed with using drugs. He chases the effect provided by drugs compulsively and on a level that is far beyond his control. No matter how much he wants to choose you, he can’t.

If he could simply choose to stop, he wouldn’t be an addict.

The urge to continue to use drugs is both psychological and physical. Attempts to discontinue use result in extremely unpleasant, even dangerous, side effects. If he tries to stop, he may experience shaking, sweating or a sense of extreme panic. In some cases, discontinuing drug use abruptly can lead to seizures or death.

When an addict uses drugs over a long period of time, he experiences changes to his brain. Levels of chemicals in the brain known as neurotransmitters are altered. Not only is the pleasure center of the brain affected, but there are also changes in the way the addict learns and makes decisions.

Experiencing life under the influence of chemicals is his new normal, and life without mind-altering drugs feels terribly abnormal to him. At this point, his relationship with drugs has become the most important relationship in his life. Anything that threatens that relationship is likely to be discarded, not because he wants to choose drugs over you, but because he has to. He truly doesn’t have a choice.

He will choose drugs over everything, not just his relationship with you. Drugs will come before his job, his friends, his other family members, his church, his goals, his dreams and even his basic survival tools such as food and water. He may forget to eat and may neglect personal hygiene.

Your Role in Breaking the Cycle of Addiction

Loving an addict is painful. You stand by helplessly watching your loved one destroy himself and you may feel hopeless. The more you scream, yell or threaten, the more he turns to drugs and tries to blame you. You may try to set limits and ultimatums to no avail and eventually you may decide to end the relationship if the addict won’t give up the drugs.

You are truly powerless over his addiction.

You can’t control or cure his addiction, but you may have some influence over him. Family members may join together for an intervention. If you follow through on ultimatums and threats and learn to stop enabling addictive behavior, there is a chance the addict will be willing to take steps to get help.

The most important thing you need to focus on is taking care of yourself. Put energy into focusing on your own life instead of trying to control him. Join a support group such as Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Learn as much as you can about the disease of addiction, and about your own codependence.

Although it is painful, remind yourself that if the addict chooses drugs over you, it’s not personal. If addicts could choose not to use drugs, they wouldn’t be addicts.

Choosing to stay in the relationship is a personal decision. As long as you live with an active addict, you need to get help and support for yourself. Offer as much love and support to yourself as you offer to the addict. Learn to set boundaries to protect yourself, and know that his rejection of you is caused by addiction, not absence of love.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Are Your Partner’s Fantasies Unnerving to You?

by zfortadminin Sex

Sex experts discuss the pros and cons of revealing to your partner your most private erotic fantasies.

You’ve been sharing a bed with the same partner for years. By now you know each other’s sleeping habits inside and out, right down to the exact room temperature and sleeping position preferred. But how well do you know what it takes to turn on your partner? There’s one way to find out — by sharing your most intimate sex fantasies. An open exchange of erotic fantasies can help rekindle the flames — or can they? Here’s what sex experts say on the subject.

Risky business

Many sex experts advise couples to use caution when revealing private sex fantasies. “It often backfires,” says Wendy Maltz, MSW, sex therapist and co-author of the book Private Thoughts: The Power of Women’s Fantasies. That’s because too often, says Maltz, there’s a lack of understanding about what it means to share them.

To minimize misunderstandings, Maltz suggests setting some guidelines before agreeing to reveal erotic fantasies. “Make sure you have a mutual understanding of each other’s objectives. Are you doing it simply to learn about what each other’s private sexual thoughts are, or are you creating a menu of the type of sexual activities you want to try?” she says.

Other experts agree that it’s best not to plunge head-first into a completely candid revelation of your deepest erotic fantasies. “First, test the waters. Float the idea in a general way,” suggests Barbara Bartlik, MD, assistant professor of psychiatry at Weill Medical College of Cornell University. “You could say, ‘What did you think about that scene in the movie?'”

Even when both partners willingly reveal their sex fantasies to one another, says Maltz, there’s no guarantee that the outcome will be a positive meeting of the minds, or bodies. “It’s shaky ground for a relationship. It can really enhance the sexual experience, or destroy it. It can make people very uptight and anxious,” Maltz says.

That’s particularly true if either you or your partner finds the content of a particular fantasy off-putting. “What about the person who likes to be sexually sadistic? The other person may take great offense to that,” Bartlik says. Oftentimes, explains Bartlik, it takes a lot of courage to reveal a less conventional fantasy such as one that includes sadomasochism. Further, it takes a very loving and loyal partner to listen and accept fantasies that may be outside the mainstream of sexual experience. The inability to accept an edgy fantasy may cause a rift in the relationship.

But even if you find your partner’s sex fantasies a bit unnerving, there’s hope for moving forward.

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Please Do This One Thing After Sex

by zfortadminin Sex, SEX TIPS

How spooning can make or break your relationship

Attention all little spoons: New research shows that your love for cuddling might be the best thing to ever happen to your bond. Couples who spend more time showing affection after sex feel more satisfied with their sex lives, and in turn, with their relationship in general, according to a recent study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior.

Researchers at universities in Toronto conducted two studies. In the first study, 335 participants (138 men and 197 women, all of whom were in romantic relationships and 90 percent of whom were heterosexual), completed an online survey about relationship and sexual satisfaction, their sex lives, and affection. Surprisingly, sex duration and foreplay didn’t predict relationship satisfaction, but post-coital cuddling did. (Big, little, and all spoons rejoice!) Researchers found that people who spend more time on post-sex affection—like cuddling, kissing, caressing, spooning, or expressing their love for each other—are more satisfied in their relationships and feel more sexually satisfied. This is especially true for couples with kids. While women’s relationship happiness depends more heavily on cuddling and canoodling than men’s, researchers also found that post-sex affection indirectly affects men’s happiness—it increases their sexual satisfaction, which in turn increases their relationship satisfaction.

For the second study, 101 couples (94 percent of which were heterosexual) answered questions about their sex lives, post-sex affection, and satisfaction with sex and their relationship every day for three weeks. Researchers found that on days when couples spent more time showing post-sex affection, they were also more sexually satisfied and more satisfied with their relationship than usual. Plus, those who felt these benefits during the three-week study were more likely to be happy with their sex lives and relationships three months down the line.

Of course, this may seem a little obvious—wouldn’t a couple who was head-over-heels for each other be more likely to cuddle after doing the deed anyway? But even though the effects could go both ways, the strongest effects were from after-sex affection to satisfaction, says study coauthor Amy Muise, Ph.D., postdoctoral fellow at the University of Toronto. This might have to do with the fact that cuddling is a positive post-sex reward; since it makes us feel good, we’re more likely to want to do it again, and we get closer to each other in the process. Plus, the power of touch can have major mental and physical benefits. While they can’t prove a cause-and-effect relationship, Muise notes, “I think couples should be aware that the period after sex could be particularly important for bonding and that, if possible, spending more time being affectionate after sex could enhance feelings of sexual and relationship satisfaction.” So we officially give you permission to cuddle a little bit longer tonight—for your relationship’s sake!

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Good Times to Connect With Your Ex

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Even if you parted ways on good terms, the idea of being friends with an ex is, well, weird.

This is a person with whom you were intimate with in ways most people will never be with you and, if you were in love, it’s a loss. Breakups, no matter how they ended, are never easy.

The problem with breaking up with someone is that you’re not just losing your partner, but your best friend. Personally, I’ve been able to move on easier from the idea of losing my partner than I am able to move on from losing my best friend. You go from having someone on who you can rely constantly, for the good and the bad, then they’re gone. And while you have other friends with whom you can share things, there’s a void if you can’t just call up your ex and share something with them. I can’t even tell you how often I pick up the phone to call my ex to tell him something, then I have to stop myself and say out loud, “Oh yeah. We’re never talking again.”

But, time heals all wounds, as they say, or at least some of them. Since that’s a possibility, there’s a strong likelihood that you just might want to talk to your ex again — maybe even pick up the friendship part of your relationship. But, before you do that, you need to get in the right mind set first. Here’s when it’s probably OK to start talking to an ex again:

1. When You’re No Longer Madly In Love With Them

This one can be tricky. You may miss them romantically, but you also may miss them as a friend. It’s not always clear exactly what you miss about them, but it’s important to determine whether these feelings are intensely romantic or not. Make sure you’re not setting yourself up for emotional pain.

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Defining Your Normal: Some Like Having It a Lot and Some Don’t

by zfortadminin Sex

Society, the media, politicians, and religions are often obsessed with sex as an idea – not as it really happens in the flesh.

The idea of sex is most often portrayed in extremes.

Sex is, at times, depicted as a sure path to unwanted pregnancy, STIs, and hellfire.

At the other end of the spectrum, sex is portrayed as the core motivation for all human pursuits, selling everything from cologne to makeup to magical weight loss yogurt, because it’s that amazing and vital!

The reality of sex is that some people have it, some people don’t, some people have lots of it, some people have little of it, and life doesn’t revolve around avoiding it or chasing it.

The reality is that there is no such thing as a “normal” sex life, even though sex in and of itself is a normal part of life.

All that being said, it probably doesn’t deserve nearly the amount of attention it gets from all of us.

And I’m including feminists in that “all of us” because both here at Everyday Feminism and out there in the broader feminist world, we talk about sex a lot.

And rightly so! There are plenty of questions to be asked about what most of us have been conditioned to believe is normal or right when it comes to sex.

And some of the assumptions we should challenge are that sex is necessarily a part of a healthy, socially acceptable, and liberated life.

In other words, the pressure that we get from the outside world to pursue the idea of sex can be as damaging to our culture and self-esteem as the shame many women receive for being sexual on their own terms.

It’s a damned if you do it, damned if you don’t situation.

And folks who aren’t having sex or don’t want to – be they asexual, abstinent, low libido, triggered by sex, medically unable, and so on – may find themselves alienated by the ways sex gets inadvertently (or purposefully) pushed down our throats.

Peer pressure, well-meaning doctors and therapists, spouses, this article (how many times have I used the word “sex” at this point?) – they can all send the message that having a sex life is always the healthy, sociable, regular thing to do.

If a person desires sex, pursues sex, and has sex with someone else who wants to, then great.

But what if a person who is less than enthusiastic about sex pursues it only to fulfill a social expectation, only because they’ve been perversely sexualized from a young age, or only because they view being sexual as central to their own self-worth and self-identity?

Not great.

In fact, any time our culture imposes a “should” on us – women should be adventurous to “keep” their men, men should be virulent, we should not die virgins, all romantic relationships should also be sexual – there’s a problem.

Sex Is Not a ‘Should’

There is no obligation ever to have sex for any reason.

Not when you’re 15 and think everyone else is doing it (they’re not), not when you’re 21 and think everyone else is doing it (they’re not), and not when you’re 45 and think everyone else has done it (they haven’t).

My point here is that regardless of a person’s sexual orientation or lack thereof, sex isn’t about anyone else’s expectations. There doesn’t have to be shame around being uninterested, celibate, or emotionally unprepared for sex at any age.

That’s because sex is not a spectator sport (unless that’s what you’re into). It’s about the pleasure, desire, and experience of the people having the sex, not the prevailing assumptions of the people around them.

The same goes for people who deny others sexual orientations based on what kind of sex they’ve had.

No, lesbians and gay men don’t have to sample the opposite sex to know their orientation, nor do they have to have sex at all. The “how can you know unless you’ve tried” line of reasoning is like casting the first stone – only the person who’s tried it all is allowed to say it to anyone.

Sex Isn’t Super Amazing for Everyone

The other thing about sex is that it’s not everyone’s cup of tea.

Some people may find it pretty neat, but otherwise not see what the big fuss is about. Others are completely uninterested. And though there are those whose lack of interest comes from trauma or medical issues, they aren’t the only people who aren’t into sex.

I distinctly remember that after going through sex education as an adolescent, I walked away with the assumption that every person who crossed over to the other side of puberty experienced sexual attraction.

So if I’d have heard about someone who said “meh” to sex, my assumption also would have been that there was something medically or mentally wrong with them. And if that medical or mental problem were fixed, sexual desire would return.

The problem with that line of thinking is that it pathologizes a low or nonexistent desire for sex, even one with no apparent cause. And it paints the picture of the sexually interested person as necessarily more healthy and whole.

Though sex can definitely be part of wellness for someone who is sexual, the insinuation that those who want it less are missing a fundamental part of their humanity can be problematic.

Sex Is Important – But It’s Not

It’s really not that big of a deal.

As wrapped up as the media and advertisers are with sex, it isn’t central to what makes people worthwhile, attractive, and interesting human beings.

We need to reject the idea of sex, which dictates that Hollywood actresses are overly airbrushed and barely employable once they’re past a certain age. The idea of sex is obsessed with youth, the male gaze, a lack of agency, a link between a person’s value and how much they are valued as sexual objects.

In reality, our worth as human beings is related to things much bigger than our sexualities. It’s a part of us, but it’s not as much of us as we sometimes believe.

So it’s all right to not give a damn about being sexual on someone else’s schedule. Or ever.

Having sex is not obligatory, nor does it lead to the ultimate state of bliss. It’s neither as ideal nor as demonic as some would have you believe.

There also isn’t one way to experience it.

Not everyone is as capable of orgasm or sexual attraction as the next person, and that’s okay.

There is no one way to experience sexuality, and attempts to shame or stigmatize people for a lack of sex or attraction, even indirectly, are fraught with assumptions about how things “should” be.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Skip the Gym and Do It in the Morning

by zfortadminin Sex

There are some small moments in life that are really great. Turning on the television at the exact moment Robin Williams is giving his moving “Dead Poet’s Society” speech.

Unexpectedly learning that your entire purchase has been discounted 30 percent at checkout.

Glancing down at your phone to see a surprising text from a potential mate. All these instances make us feel like the universe is on our side.

The same goes for sex. While getting laid is always good, there are some choice encounters that qualify as really, really great.

In the morning haze, when you’re at your most vulnerable and still easing into the day, nothing beats the feeling of having someone next to you wrap his arms around you and make you feel wanted.

Morning sex is like eating chocolate cake for breakfast — it’s decadent, indulgent and comforting. Plus, who doesn’t want to linger in bed just a little longer?

The benefits extend to more than just being uncharacteristically nice to everyone for the rest of the day. Multiple studies have shown that individuals who engage in morning sex are healthier and happier people. Your post-coital glow that others are noticing isn’t totally bogus.

Waking up to an eager partner sure as hell beats waking up to an alarm clock.

Here are all the reasons morning sex is the best sex.

1. Because you’ll actually remember it.

This is a win for you and your girlfriends, who will appreciate the fully detailed recap later. Normally you can’t recollect anything save a few fragments, “I think it was um, good?”; “He was hot, right? You guys saw him?” But now you’ll be able to fill in all the good stuff.

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T&A Talk Sex – In Bed with F*ck Yes Team

by T A Talk Sexin Sex

T&A hop in bed with the F*CK YES team to learn more about their funny and heartfelt stories around sex!

We laughed a lot on this one! Emily Best and Erica Anderson also created Seed&Spark – pretty cool!

Erica and Emily talk openly with us on our podcast about recent awkward sex that T&A had, and how we as men and women can just make it …SO MUCH BETTER – Listen here:

This is What Compromising a Woman Looks Like, Ep131: T&A have bad and almost… Rape-y sex?! But instead of pointing fingers, the ladies chat with F*ck Yes series creators to unpack the situation and look at the underlying mindsets, beliefs and cultural influences that made T&A feel compromised.

Click Here for the ‘This Is What Compromising a Woman Looks Like, Ep131‘

Find all of our videos, podcasts, blogs, & more: http://www.tatalksex.com/

The Scent of Your Rose…Top Influences

by zfortadminin Sex

Maybe you’ve wondered, “Does my vagina smell normal?” 

I don’t care how comfortable you are with your own body, we all have those moments where we think about how we smell down there. Maybe it’s at the doctor’s office before a pelvic exam, or it might be as your partner is making their way to your vagina for some up-close and personal fun. You wonder, “Do I smell normal? And what is normal anyway? What is a vagina supposed to smell like?”

Healthy vaginas often do have smells! Most of the time, these vagina scents aren’t awful—they just smell like a vagina; like the way you sometimes smell sweaty or how your feet stink in certain shoes. We smell like humans, and the smell of our vaginas depend on certain factors. If you just took a shower and washed your lady-bits, there probably isn’t any smell. But if you just had a marathon sex session, your vagina will have an odor.

Every vagina has its own unique scent, which is a combination of the normal bacteria that reside in your vagina, your diet, if you wear natural fabrics or synthetics, your level of hygiene, your bathroom habits, and what your glands secrete.

It’s important not to forget that your vagina also secretes pheromones that are supposed to trigger sexual interest and excitement.

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All This Focus on a Perfect Body and This Is What Men Are Really Looking At

by zfortadminin LOVE

When value intelligence in women far above large breasts and long legs, a Cambridge evolutionary biologist has claimed.

Although having a large bust and never-ending pins are deemed by western culture as the epitome of femininity, when choosing a mother for their children, men look for brains first,

Professor David Bainbridge, of the University of Cambridge said that intelligence is by far the most attractive quality for men looking for a long term partner because it demonstrates that his chosen partner is likely to be a responsible parent.

If men are honest, do they really prize intelligence over looks?

It also suggests she was brought by intelligent parents and so was likely to be well fed and looked after in childhood, and so healthier. It may explain why a man like George Clooney ended up marrying human rights barrister Amal Alamuddin.

Prof Bainbridge said men actually do not care how large breasts are as long as they are symmetrical while for legs, it only matters that they are straight, as bent, uneven legs suggest a developmental illness, like rickets.

“Breast size doesn’t matter,” he told the Hay Festival. “Actually large breasts are more likely to be asymmetric and men are more attracted to symmetry. And they look older more quickly, and men value youth.

“And men are not looking for long legs. Straight legs are a sign of genetic health so that is something that is more attractive, but surveys have shown most men prefer regular length.

“The main thing that men are looking for is intelligence. Surveys have shown time and time again that this is the first thing that men look for. It shows that she will be able to look after his children and that her parents were probably intelligent as well, suggesting that she was raised well.

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