Interpretation Counts

Maltz offers some advice to prevent emotionally jarring fallout from the revelation of sex fantasies. The first thing is not to assume that your partner wants to actually do everything he or she fantasizes about. “It’s important not to take these desires literally, unless they’re intended that way,” she says.

Not everyone truly desires to act on their sexual fantasies, Maltz explains. “They’re more likely to be symbolic,” she says. But that doesn’t mean they should be dismissed. Instead, take your cue from the mood or feeling the fantasy suggests. “Erotic fantasies can help you learn about your partner’s sensuality,” Maltz says. For instance, a woman may fantasize that her lover, atop a galloping horse, sweeps her off her feet and onto the horse, then the two of them ride off into the sunset together. She may not really want or expect this to happen, but the takeaway message is significant. “She’s thinking, ‘I want my husband to romanticize me more,'” Maltz says.

The bottom line in sharing sex fantasies is this: “How the information in the fantasy is shared is critical to whether or not it ends up being productive for the couple,” says Maltz.

Getting in Touch With Your Sex Fantasies

In spite of recent research that tells us it’s perfectly normal, healthy even, to engage in sexual fantasies, many people bury or ignore what makes them feel good. The result, they say, can be an unfulfilling sex life.

“Your partner loves to see you turned on, and fantasies are what take you there,” says Cheryl McClary, PhD, JD, professor of women’s health at the University of North Carolina-Asheville. What’s more, she says, “If you’re not turned on, your partner is going to know it.”

She suggests ways to bring yourself to a heightened sense of arousal, before sharing that experience with your partner. “Seduce yourself first. Go where your fantasies are. Buy erotic undergarments. Rent movies with sex scenes that turn you on,” McClary says.

But by all means, she says, don’t keep your erotic fantasies to yourself. “Call your partner at work and share your fantasies. You’ll be doing yourself and your partner a disservice if you don’t,” McClary says.