25 Clueless Comments Said to Me as a Widow, and 25 Responses I Wish I Could Have Said

In the just over 4 years that I have been a widow, I have had to sit in silence and bite my tongue through an endless array of insensitive or just plain stupid comments coming from both friends, family, acquaintances and co-workers, and yes, even total strangers. As the person who is grieving, we are told over and over again by society that “people just don’t know what to say” and they are “only trying to help”, and that they “mean well”, so therefore, we are supposed to just nod politely, smile and get on with things. Okay. I can do that, if that is what the world wants from me. However, I do think that just continuing to brush off people’s hurtful and often rude comments as “not knowing what to say” is unhealthy. The only way that people will ever learn what NOT to say to someone who is grieving the life they had and the person they loved most in this world, is to educate them. And since I’m a comedian, I choose to offer up my education in a comedic tone. So if you are reading this and you have no sense of humor, please go out to Wal-Mart or somewhere and get one. Then come back and have a good laugh.

The following is a list of 25 (in no particular order) actual comments that actual people actually said to me after my husband Don died very suddenly, with zero warning or symptom, in July of 2011, from a massive heart attack, at age 46. Below each actual comment, I have listed what I wish I could have said in response at the time, but of course, didn’t. Some of these comments were said to me right away after the death, and others were said as recently as last month. So, what does this accomplish? Well, for one thing, it’s fun to come up with pretend, smart-ass replies that I could never actually say in real life to these people. And secondly, the next time me or any of my dear brothers and sisters in widowhood have to put up with one of these or other insensitive comments, they can now laugh their asses off, thinking of what they wish they could say in response; as they nod their heads politely like a good widow (er) should.

Here is the dialogue that I wish could take place as part of normal and acceptable society:

Women in the Workplace Study 2016: By The Numbers

“A comprehensive study of the state of women in corporate America.” Would you agree with these stats?


Image of woman using laptop while sitting at her desk. Young african american businesswoman sitting in the office and working on laptop.Sheryl Sandberg’s LeanIn.Org teamed up with consulting firm McKinsey & Co. to release the second annual Women in the Workplace study. The study bills itself as “a comprehensive study of the state of women in corporate America.” The study examined 132 companies with a combined total of 4.6M+ employees. Another 34K+ filled out a relevant survey about their experiences in the workplace.

You can read the full results, but here are some relevant stats:

Able to Participate Fully in Meetings:

  • Women: 67%
  • Men: 74%

Believe Their Contributions are Appropriately Valued:

  • Women: 49%
  • Men: 54%

Believe Their Gender Will Make It Hard to Advance:

  • Women: 33%
  • Men: 12%

Lobbied for a Promotion or New Assignment:

  • Women: 39%
  • Men: 36%

Asked for an Increase in Compensation:

  • Women: 29%
  • Men: 27%

Negotiated and Received Feedback They Were “Bossy”/”Aggressive”/”Intimidating”:

  • Women: 30%
  • Men: 23%

T&A IN BED WITH Lora of Between the Sheets with Lora Somoza

T&A hop in bed with Lora from the podcast Between The Sheets with Lora Somoza. She answers some silly questions with honesty and humor about sex and her preferences!


t&a in bed

On the Podcast:

Giving Thanks for Vibrators, Small Breasts, Big Lips, and Daddy Issues Ep.121
It’s Thanksgiving week, which means time for T&A to reflect on all the things they’re grateful for this year- the not so suitable for the dinner table things. Lora Somoza from the podcast, ‘Between the Sheets with Lora Somoza’ joins this roundtable chat which sparks scintilating conversation on vibrators, masturbation, their body issues growing up as kids and even some deeper family issue stuff. Fun and entertaining, yet always deep, Happy Thanksgiving from T&A!

Thx guys!
C

The Best Marriage Advice I Ever Received Was from My Parents.

The Best Marriage Advice I Ever Received Was from My Parents.


Either through words or demonstration.

I feel blessed to be able to say this about my family, while dealt other challenges, my parents’ devotion toward one another was never in doubt when I was growing up.

However, there is no perfect formula for a happy and successful marriage.

I have been married for 21 years. My husband and I have been together for 26 years.

I have learned some things along the way from my own experience too.

In fact, I have learned some of my most powerful life lessons in the temple of my marriage.

For the record, I do not in any way claim to have all the answers.

Not by a long-shot!

My only goal is to share some thoughts and ideas that may be of service.

Ultimately a marriage can’t be fully evaluated until it’s over.

Perhaps that is why the “Til death do us part” is part of the marriage vows?

Some may refer to it as a marathon (as opposed to a sprint), but I feel it’s a shared pilgrimage.

This is true if you’re married for two years or two hundred.

It is always a journey with someone else, toward yourself.

If you take anything away from this article, please let this be it.

Please.

Presence

Watch as Mike Lousada talks about ‘Presence’, its meaning, its qualities or the three different components that make up our ability to be present.


mike-lousada

How do you demonstrate being present in the moment?

How Soon Should You Divulge Problems From Your Past?

I know that I would not have let my relationship with my husband develop very far if he’d opened with ‘I’m a recovering alcoholic!’


When you get into a wonderful new relationship, everything seems fantastic. That’s how it felt for me, when I met my husband. The world, I felt, was coming together to give me and my children good things. I was delighted. However, I now know that this time of wonder was tainted for him with a worry at the back of his mind that all of this loveliness could come crashing down at any moment. You see, he was (still is!) a recovering alcoholic. For the first few weeks, he kept this hidden from me, petrified that I’d run a mile if I knew, but equally torn up with the feeling that he was somehow ‘deceiving’ me by not disclosing.  Ultimately, as you’ve probably guessed by my use of the word ‘husband’, this story has a happy ending. Before things got too deep, he invited me round to his house for dinner, and openly and honestly laid his cards on the table. I loved him anyway. Indeed, his mature ownership and acceptance of his past played a big part in convincing me that this was the man for me. However, that in no small way stemmed from his own willingness to take responsibility from his past and move on – he’d reached a place of healing, from which disclosure was appropriate, and no longer had to damage. It may not be the same for everyone. What should you do if you have a murky past, and are embarking on a new relationship? Well, in essence, it’s entirely up to you – but here is some advice which may help you out.

Omission, Deception, and Telling the Truth

Your past is your own, and you are under no obligation to reveal it if you do not want to. However, if your ‘secret’ is something which will require lies or an elaborate framework of deception to conceal, it may be best to reveal it. My husband told me about his alcoholic past after a few weeks of deliberately constructing dates to avoid alcohol, hoping that I wouldn’t notice. Luckily, he ‘came clean’ before this got to the point of actual deception, and we laugh now about our early dates (plenty of wilderness walks with no bars in sight!) – but I think I’d have had reservations about him if he had gone to greater lengths to deceive me in this matter. You may not have to reveal everything straight away, but letting your SO know that there are reasons why you are behaving in this manner, or that your life is the way it is is far better than lying to them about it. After all, should your relationship become serious, chances are that they’re going to find out about your deception in the end – at which point they’re likely to be a lot more upset at your lies than they are about the secret which the lies hid. I know that, for a recovering alcoholic, dating can be a time of turmoil. Alcohol is everywhere! In this situation, doing what my husband did, and explaining that you’re a recovering alcoholic is a far better solution to this problem than making endless false excuses for not drinking or, worse, lying about your history with alcohol and hitting the bottle with your date. And if they reject you for your past – well, it wouldn’t have been a great future together anyway. All of this naturally depends on the problem you’re struggling with – but, as a general rule, the truth is far better than a lie. If you can’t keep your secret without resorting to lies, then tell the truth.

Pushing Your Man to Be Who You Want Him to Be Won’t Change Who He Is

Ok, so this is a LONG one.  You may want to sit down with a cup of tea or coffee, or maybe a glass of wine or, my favorite, a shot of top-shelf tequila.  Ready?


How often, ladies,  do you end up looking at the man that you are in a relationship with or married to and thinking that you wish he could be a certain way, or that he would do something that you’ve always longed for him to do or the big one,  things he used to do?

I was reflecting on something in a conversation I was having with a friend of mine about the reality that as women, in our current modern world, we have a tendency at the beginning of our relationship to try to lead the man that we are getting involved with and who we are attracted to in the direction that we want to go.  It feels natural, because we all want  what we want, especially in relationship,  but this is our fatal mistake.  Because you can lead a horse to water, but as the adage goes,  you can’t make him drink.

Now when he is very thirsty, he will drink. Using that as a metaphor for early on in relationship where men are inclined to give us what we want in order for them to bed us.   This is true, ladies, even of men who care about us or love us or who will love us.  That’s BIG motivation for them to deliver all the goods we want.

So let me give you some examples of what I’m speaking to so that I can make what’s clear in my mind, clear to you as well.

Let’s say early on in a relationship, we want the man in our life to know that we love to be spoiled.   Now that means different things to different women, but let’s just say for the sake of this piece( and for simplicity’s sake) that we want our guy to know that we love to be taken out to dinner three or four times a week, (ok, so it’s a shallow example but that’s the way it’s coming through!)  and we want to be able to spend a certain amount of time together each week.

But when we start booking the reservations for the restaurant, or saying to him, “why don’t we go out to dinner tonight,”  rather than allowing him to suggest what he would like to do, we just go ahead and take charge and make it happen. and this is leading the horse to water, or in this case to the restaurant table.   So in those early stages you end up thinking all this is so romantic and he takes me out to dinner. But the reality is you set it up.

“Wet Gold” (Contemporary Dakini Emanation Art)

Enjoy this Embodied Emanation Art by Kalista


wet goldShe is connected to the cosmos, nature, and Consciousness. All women on some level are Dakinis.

The feminine has a beautiful capacity to infuse hidden secrets into her movements. Hidden secrets are revealed in the undulation of a woman’s body when she is connected to her essence, full potential, and open to potent energy flowing in. This deep hearted sensuous feminine creativity becomes an opening, and expression of wisdom. It’s not a logical linear way to awaken, evolve, or change, but instead liberates the personal and cultural ‘mind/body’ through love, beauty, and mystery.

How Many People Have Stayed with a Partner for Financial Reasons?

If you ever needed a reason to make your own money, and not depend on someone else, here comes a compelling stat:


A survey conducted earlier this year of 2K people in the U.K. revealed that 16% of Brits have stayed in a relationship because of financial reasons in the past. In the present, 28% of Brits are staying in relationships due to financial reasons (though that may not be the only reason).

Some of the aforementioned financial concerns are that 35% of respondents said they couldn’t cover living expenses without their partner’s help, and 10% said their partner paid for luxuries.

I have some questions about methodology here: We don’t know the age ranges of the respondents, or how much they make, among many other things. We can’t extrapolate to see if this is true of any other countries.

Ashley Graham Is First Plus-Size Model to Cover British “Vogue”

Model Ashley Graham is busting boundaries left and right.


ashley-grahamEarlier this year, she covered Maxim and the coveted Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Now, she’s landed the cover of the fashion bible of the U.K., the British version of Vogue. Shot by famed photographer Patrick Demarchelier, Graham’s cover will be for the January 2017 issue.

Graham is a plus-size model, so her covering these storied publications shows that the fashion industry is coming around to including a wider variety of body types. Let’s hope American Vogue sees this, and follows suit.

Graham’s cover for British Vogue arrives on newsstands today.

Do You Need Couples Therapy or Just a Rest?

What is your realization from the past year?


By any standards, 2016 was one hell of a year for most people. Horrors from Syria, the continued threat of terrorism and the geo-political upheavals that we saw have made most of us more on-edge than usual.  I had my own personal battles with professional and personal challenges and issues coming up left, right and centre it seemed.  In the second half of the year I felt more or less constantly bombarded by painful reflections back from others, difficult situations or things demanding that I grow.

It’s not surprising that this took a toll on my relationship with my beloved.  Our stress turned in on ourselves and at some point on one another.  We got into a pattern of criticizing and blaming far more than we would normally do.  Was there something wrong in our relationship?  Had the magic left us?  Are we falling out of connection?  All these things worried us until I had one of those life changing a-ha moments.

I realized that no matter how much we tried to find each other, no matter how conscious we were about our feelings, our stories, our projections, we still ended up going round in self-destructive patterns or creating separation from the other.  It seemed like no amount of conscious relating was going to change the pattern.

And then I got it.  I realized that there wasn’t anything fundamentally wrong in our relationship.  There was something going on at a cellular level in my body.  My nervous system had been under pressure for so long that it was constantly looking for what it perceived might be a threat.  And of course when we start looking, we find something!

I realized that the Fight-Flight part of my nervous system (the sympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system for those neuro-geeks out there) was over-firing.  That part of our nervous system is designed to keep us safe by looking out for danger.  It’s part of why we’re so successful as a species, because we have this innate radar for danger hard-wired into us.

But the system can go wrong.  Part of what happens when the Fight-Flight is activated is that our perception of people’s emotional expressions changes; we see friendly faces as neutral or even hostile.  In effect it creates an altered state of reality.  In this place, allowing intimacy is very difficult – because my beloved’s caring face was being perceived by my nervous system as a threat – even though it wasn’t one.

Since both our nervous systems had been more activated than usual we were both at a raised level of alert – much closer than normal to the level where our brain tells us “watch out, this is dangerous”.  So the smallest thing would set us off into a defensive pattern of behavior – basically we went into Fight or Flight at every perceived mis-step from the other.

The moment I realized this, things began to shift.  We didn’t need couples therapy or counseling or time apart – it was some down time, a period to allow our nervous systems to recalibrate and calm down.

Fortunately the Christmas holidays were just around the corner and this allowed us both to have some time away from the stresses of work, have some lie-ins and duvet days and just calm ourselves down.

Our culture puts so much pressure on us to be “on” all the time, to work longer hours, to be more social or to always be “doing” something.  Even the background hum of noise in a city creates a raised level of nervous system response, activating our Fight-Flight reaction more easily than is healthy for us.  All these things make our nervous system shift into a lower gear, watching more closely for danger.  In this place it’s much harder to be loving, to not be defensive or critical (of yourself or others).

What most of us need is to recalibrate our nervous systems so that we bring down our base-level of activation to allow more ease and calm in our lives.  I’m happy to say that since this realization we’ve quickly got back to our old loving selves, we’ve reconnected and intimacy is flowing between us once more – it’s a relief for us both.

If you’re in a similar position, maybe there’s nothing wrong with your relationship at all, maybe you don’t need a break or even therapy for this.  Maybe you just need a good rest.


So how can you calm your nervous system?  Here are a few ways to help you.

  • Make sure you get enough undisturbed sleep: Disrupted sleep makes people grumpy and more alert to danger. If you can, take short “power-naps” of 15-20 minutes in the daytime.
  • Slow down: Eat slowly, don’t rush late to appointments and give yourself time. The more we rush the more our nervous system gets activated.  Slowing down helps calm your body and mind.
  • Breath: Deep breathes with an emphasis on the out breath, slightly extending the exhalation activate the opposite of your Fight-Fight reaction, helping change your body chemistry and calm you.

Enjoy a higher quality experience of love this year. Become a LOVE TV Member today.

Her and His Story of Sacred Pleasure

We have been taught that sexuality and the sacred are polar opposites, but they were united in ancient traditions across the globe.


Riane Eisler’s groundbreaking research and writings on ancient cultures reveal this exciting reality about what so many women and men long for today… more meaningful, fulfilling pleasure and loving sexuality.

Music: www.bensound.com

WHY Do You Weigh Yourself?

Yesterday as I was leaving my gym, I noticed a young woman 20-ish, standing naked on the scale in the locker room.  I also noticed standing near her was another naked woman who was probably her grandmother, waiting for her turn to weigh in.  This caught my attention because I thought to myself why do we weigh ourselves?

Now a lot of  you are thinking,  “Gina done lost her mind! Duh!”   But hang with me here, because you all know that I look at things from a different angle, and generate new perspectives that I share with you.     The important thing, as I am prone to do with EVERYTHING  is to ask the question WHY.    Since I was a kid, that question is so prevalent in my life that I should be known as a whyman, instead of a woman. ( Ok, you know I always sneak in a weird pun.  Let’s hope that’s the only one today.)

Today I want to  invite you to explore the WHY to this question so that you have a vehicle to become more conscious of the many things we all do unconsciously and to break away from the herd and THINK FOR YOURSELF.  This way of thinking is like a muscle, and the more you use it, the stronger it gets.

Ok, so seriously, why do we weigh ourselves? What real purpose does it serve? What does that number on the scale have to do with anything important or relevant in our lives? I’m speaking here of a healthy person, just as a disclaimer. I know that there are some perhaps medical conditions where weight is a determinant or a marker of something, or professional fighters weight themselves for fairness in  the ring,  but I’m speaking just of the average person and particularly women.  What’s the first thought that came to your mind in answer to that question?  Did your brain go all fuzzy with, “hmmm, to find out what I weigh?”  Think again…

That number on the scale has absolutely no meaning other than its purpose to frustrate and lower the self-esteem of almost every woman who steps onto one.    Once you get that number, you IMMEDIATELY (talk about instant non gratification)  feel that there’s something wrong with you. The number is wrong and you need to change it, even if it’s only a couple of pounds.   Which then leads to your endless googling and obsessing about the ultimate weight-loss products, or deciding to go on a diet.   That number leads to comparison of what other people weigh, like that woman you saw in the magazine (which one, so many!) that made you hate your thighs even more than you already do, or your facial lines, or your eyebrows,or your butt, or your…..fill in the blank.

THAT FREAKIN’ NUMBER is a trigger, a catalyst that’s damned near Pavlovian to make you feel bad about you! Pretty soon all you have to do is SEE a scale and you’re terrified.  All those bad feeling start a rush of chemicals in your body, aka hormones, that make you feel like crap about yourself and soon you’re depressed.    In fact, most women will tell you that just the sight of a scale provokes anxiety.   I saw a statistic that said most women weight themselves an average of twice a week, or 104 times a year!   Think about the repetition of an act that makes you feel bad about yourself that many times in a year and the effect that has on your psyche.   That irrelevant number on the scale leads to depression and the sense of inferiority for almost every woman.  Tragically, even anorexics experience exactly the same thing because the number is never small enough.

Realizing they’re not  their “ideal” weight, some women eat their feelings, so  may end up self-soothing with food, and voila, when you step on the scale, guess what??  That sneaky number is bigger.  So you’re now more depressed, and you end up on an anti-depressant, which can make you eat more, eat less, feel suicidal, lose your sex drive, and affect your hormones.  Do you see the vicious cycle that develops just from stepping onto a scale?? Do you see the path of disempowerment that can be triggered by this practice of weighing ourselves?  To some of you it may seem I’m exaggerating, but for many this is truth.

You might argue that someone who is chronically overweight and on a program to lose weight would be inspired by the number coming down, and while that is true to some degree, it is also setting them up to define their successes by THAT NUMBER, rather than celebrating their discipline, commitment and choices, and the obvious visual that they’re shrinking.

Is that number a goal, a target, a golden ticket?  Is it like winning the lottery?  And what is the RIGHT number?  There is no right number on a scale.  It’s an insidious tool to keep you in the marketplace of all the consumerism revolving around deflating and destroying women’s bodies and beauty — and ultimately our power.  The right number comes from you living a healthy, balanced life; body, mind and spirit.  Our mindset is to reward ourselves for a number goal, rather than the goal of living in integrity with our authentic selves.  I wrote a blog post a while back called “Joy, the Key To Weight Loss” (in the archives), and in it I talk about the idea that when we are content inside, we are content outside, and our weight arrives at our most healthy, natural number.

So you see the scale is actually a tool that undermines your self-esteem, your self-worth and a healthy sense of your body.  What if instead of stepping on the scale you simply paid attention to how you feel, to the way your clothes fit? What if you ate a healthy diet and allowed your body to take the shape that it naturally wants to inhabit?  What if you exercised regularly, were emotionally healthy, self-loving and had a strong and comfortable connection to your sexuality?What if you became guided by what you felt on the inside, instead of by the number reflected on the outside? A number, by the way,  chosen by an industry focused on taking your money and your self-worth.    As it’s used by most women, that scale is a weapon of self-destruction

What if you decided to never ever set foot on a scale again to find out what that number is? What if you decided right now to chuck the one you may own?

Because I do share personally, I can tell you that I have truly lived this way. I’ve never personally owned a scale, nor will I.  Like any woman, my weight has fluctuated throughout my life, and I’ve had a  child, so weight gain was part of that experience obviously.   I know personally that when I’ve been unhappy or in self-betrayal, my weight has increased or decreased from what was MY HEALTHY.  My feelings and how my clothes fit were my clues that I needed to make changes in my life.  I wasn’t striving to arrive at a number on a scale, but to arrive at a place of equanimity and joy within me.  And only I know where that place lives inside me.  That place determines my weight, but the number has been unknown to me for years.

Yes, of course I’ve weighed myself at times, but it’s how I know NOT TO.  I’ve been just as affected by seeing a number not aligned with the “ideal.”  I live in the same world with all my sisters and I’m not immune to the subliminal and overt mental manipulations all around me.  I CHOOSE to unplug from them and listen to the voice within me.  She is my compass, my wise woman, and the keeper of my health; body, mind and soul.    In my opinion, our mental health, aka our belief system, is more of a determinant in our self-esteem and physical health  than almost anything else we do.   When you pay attention from the inside, life changes radically.

So I ask you again: why do you weigh yourself?

I’m now asking  you personally as you read this to stop and to answer what may seem like the most mundane and simple question, but to answer it for YOU personally. Answer it with the ideas in mind which I’ve shared with you in this post.  This will give you a window into your own feelings which may be unconscious about your body and your relationship to it.   And I truly hope it inspires you to become a WHYman about EVERYTHING.  (sorry, there it is again.)

If you enjoyed this post, please share it with someone you care about,  Especially the women in your lives.   And that goes for you guys reading this, too.  I hope that for the guys who read my posts, that doors and windows open in your mind to generate a better understanding of some of the challenges women face in the struggle to feel good about themselves.

And ladies, if you’d like some help in learning how to chuck the scale and to love yourself from the inside out, my NATURAL BEAUTY AND TRANSFORMATIONAL LIFE COACHING is an aspect of what I do that I LOVE and am passionate about.  Explore the page to learn more and to watch my video.

And remember to share this post with those you feel would appreciate the message.  And I invite you to weigh in here with me (got one last one in!) and leave a comment below.  I’d love to know your thoughts and have you share your feelings.  I’m deeply passionate about helping you shine your light and your beauty as fully and brightly as you can.

With wild, fierce love and gratitude,

Gina Cloud

We Discovered Some Amazing Ancient Erotica

We have been taught that sexuality and the sacred are polar opposites, but they were united in ancient traditions across the globe.


Riane Eisler’s groundbreaking research and writings on ancient cultures reveal this exciting reality about what so many women and men long for today… more meaningful, fulfilling pleasure and loving sexuality.

Music: www.bensound.com

T&A Talk Sex: In Bed with Comedian Sina Amedson

T&A hop in bed with Sina Amedson, comedian and creator of The Saudi Prince (a hater from The Roast Battle on Comedy Central) to find out some of his most intimate details on relationships, sex and the weirdest place he’s ever done it!


T&A_Sina

Check out our 2017 New Year episode with Sina and Trisha Hershberger about what we learned in 2016 about relationships and what we plan do do differently in 2017. Episode 127! How will you make your relationship better in 2017?