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Modern Marriage Part 1: Why I Eloped

by Alexandra Norrisin LOVE

Don’t freak out or anything. But I have some news. I got married. And to tell you the truth, not much has changed.

We are all living in a new world now. Priorities are shifting. Spending $30k to feel like a rich princess for a day in what is effectively a quinceanera for grownups, may not be your bag, and it wasn’t ours either.

Most of our close friends are spread across various cities, states and other countries; and the idea of something very private between us made public, rendered by my boyfriend extremely uncomfortable. While I am a little more comfortable with receiving attention, I would rather spend that time and money going out to visit them; or hosting them when it’s convenient for them and we can spend time together individually.

Here’s the other thing; eloping is fun. It is easy. And most importantly, it is about the two people getting married. There is no other time in a relationship when other people are invited in; no funeral for the end of one, no party for electing to stay single. No one cares about your anniversaries. When you elope, you get to do things the way you want to, on your own terms, without having to worry about keeping other people happy.

For us, as an international couple in our early 30s; in a relationship for nearly two years, and living together for half of that time, being married allows us to start making long term plans. I can actually start seeing myself staying with him long term and developing our lives together in one place like real grown ups.

A wedding wasn’t our focus, it was simply solidifying our existence as a team. I like to compare it to signing the mortgage on our love. The event itself was an afterthought; a whim, really. Something we discussed in pragmatic terms for some time and when the stars aligned, we went for it. We were never officially engaged, and ‘fiance’ was a term I never coveted nor used. In the weeks leading up to our shotgun love mortgage, I contacted close friends and family to invite them down, but when I saw my husband-to-be’s visible discomfort with any form of attention, I reeled it back in.

Once we get settled, we do plan on having a party with close friends and some family, maybe even several of them, in different places, as a kind of honeymoon/reception double feature. With a healthy distance between being married this sounds like our kind of adventure. One where any feelings of pressure surrounding being put on display, or entertaining others with our private feelings and plans together, grow rapidly smaller in our rear-view.

On our wedding day, my boyfriend brought his father who was visiting from out of town. I brought my friend to officiate and double as my emotional touchstone. We spoke to our other close ones on the phone.

My mother was ready to hop on a plane, but wouldn’t make it in time. I really wanted her to be there, but she has always been one to offer immediate and unflinching support, without holding on too tightly. I’ve always been a wanderlust out on some other part of the world as soon as I could get my hands on it, and she knew this was on the horizon for us, so this was no surprise and we were okay.  My recently estranged brother was crestfallen not to be there, but took the opportunity to break his silence with some very kind things that opened up our relationship in a lovely way.

My mother-in-law to be, however, made her objections known over the phone. I can imagine this sort of thing is hard for a lot of family members, and especially a mother, protective of her son.  She and I have very different ideas about marriage, which I completely understood. She kindly, firmly and respectfully filibustered our plan over the phone. As soon as he caught wind of this, my future father in law swiftly instructed his son to get me off the phone and be there for me while he started the car.

The sincere care I heard for both of us (though, obviously mostly for him) came through amidst her reservations, and the warmth and eager support I received immediately from his father solidified a profound love and appreciation for a family I barely knew. I saw a lot of my husband in him. As I sat in the back seat of the car heading to the chapel,  I watched them both for a moment and took in how fortunate I was to be in their company.

We arrived at the very friendly little chapel, expecting to sign the papers and be on our way, when they happened to have a room open up at the end of the day. I think it might have helped that they liked us, as they let us go inside and make up our own ceremony. It was silly and fun and just for us.

In the aftermath, despite being alternately nervous about taking the leap, and dismissive of the whole idea of traditional marriage, I have been pleasantly surprised with how relaxed things have felt since we pulled the trigger. It feels like a weight’s been lifted and married life is actually a lot fun so far. That honeymoon period is real, y’all.

One thing that I’ve found interesting, has been how much everyone else freaks out about it all; both eloping and our marriage in general. It’s like there is something in us that needs to explode a little bit  and let that Bridget Jones out of her diary for a second, and I sympathize. I get excited for my friends when they are excited about their love.  We have all been encouraged to get excited about the pomp and circumstance of it all, practically since birth.

I love sentiment and I do like jewelry; but tradition isn’t the right fit for us. I don’t like the idea of having a dress I will never wear again collecting space in my closet. The idea of an overpriced rock on my hand to mark someone’s claim on me isn’t appealing either.

With that said, I will most definitely accept a ring, or a necklace, or earrings (wait no, I’ll probably lose those, maybe a bracelet) just for the hell of it. My grandmother instilled this in me with her very glamourous collection of baubles. As wonderful and beautiful as those things are, however, we don’t have that kind of money right now. The way he routinely plugs my phone in for me when I forget, or how he kisses my head before he leaves for work early in the morning while I sleep, are the kinds of things that squeeze my heart more than trying to get him to fit into a box of things he is prescribed to do.

Here is our To Do list, while we chip away at our hefty collection of debt and pull ourselves into an improved financial situation:

  • Adopt a dog and a cat to grow up together (his idea, I’m fine with it)
  • Sell our cars and get one slightly shinier one to share (my idea, he is fine with it)
  • Find an affordable apartment of our own, with enough space for our friends or parents to visit (an idea we share equally); ideally with a room that can also double as our solitude from each other’s farts– or an office…

Even if we wanted it, traditional stuff doesn’t have much room to fit on that list.

In another relationship, at another time in my life, with a different person, perhaps all of this would be different. Perhaps an extravagant affair or someone I call “fiance” for a year would make sense. As we have grown together, I have learned that anniversaries, birthdays and other forced gift-events are not going to work for us. But, every month he dutifully budgets taking me out to whatever new restaurant he’s discovered which has at least four stars and 200 yelp reviews, and to every single movie theatre in a 15 mile radius, as long as we can get there before the trailers start. That is what works for us, and I am kind of proud of that.

What is your idea of a modern wedding?

Fascinated with Celebrity Relationships?

by Riley Silvermanin LOVE

I’ve never been one to care much about celebrity gossip. It turns reading entertainment magazines and websites into a bit of a minefield because while you think you’re just reading an article on the new season of Fargo, you’re always just two clicks away from finding out about the most scandalous torrid affair ever of the week. Sometimes the articles are even true!

But as arrogantly as I may scoff at these types of stories, I am not as immune to them as I like to tell myself that I am. Which brings us to Jon Hamm and Jennifer Westfeldt. As a queer girl just entering into adulthood in 2001, I was first made aware of Westfeldt through her almost-lesbian film Kissing Jessica Stein. As Mad Men became a thing and Jon Hamm likewise, one of the things I always liked about him was his long-term relationship with Westfeldt. I felt this way despite having honestly no idea what either of them are like as people outside of charming interviews and podcast appearances. Yet their breakup bummed me out.

Less than a week after that, the internet was abuzz about another celebrity breakup. At first glance it was seemingly a much less significant news story. I’m talking of course about Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy’s breakup, along with the big news that Kermit might have entered into a new relationship. That’s a real sentence I just typed out with words. This story was obviously manufactured as part of a marketing plan for the new The Muppets TV series, and thus was silly fun. We all had a good laugh sharing the story.

Was it such a joke of a story though? The fictional romance between the frog and the pig seemed to be as important to a lot of people as the breakup of the indie darling and the Emmy winner. It landed on the same trending topics pages, it spawned its own legitimate think pieces that deconstructed the very nature of Piggy and Kermit’s relationship to begin with. For a joke, it sure seemed to mimic the process when it is being taken serious.

So the question is, why do any of these stories matter to us? Whether it’s a couple of Muppets or real flesh and blood famous people, there’s some strange connection we make to the relationships of celebrities. We follow the stories as if they were plotlines on our favorite show. We crack jokes about them, make hashtags, pick teams. The advent of social media has only made this type of obsession more and more a casual aspect of our lives.

This technology is new; however, maybe the motivations behind it are anything but. American culture has no aristocracy built into its official hierarchy, and while there are economic class distinctions, the cultural elite don’t seem to directly fall across those lines. Aside from a few outliers like Bill Gates, most people can’t name a lot of major business owners, but almost everyone can rattle off the names of their favorite celebrities. Our curiosity for celebrity gossip may in fact be the same curiosity that the people of England had about what was going on with King Henry and Anne Boleyn in the 1530’s.

Celebrity gossip takes people we see as larger than life figures and makes them relatable to us. Not unlike connecting with a character in a good book, we connect with their stories and find little bits of our own selves in them. By chatting about their lives, talking with friends about them, posting tweets about them, we feel a little bit of kinship with them. Since we put them on a pedestal, this kinship means we put ourselves a little bit on one too.

Maybe this vicarious living through those we have deemed the elites also give us the ability to talk about other peoples lives in a way that makes us feel safe. Most of us are as likely to run into Jon Hamm as we are Kermit, so we don’t really risk much when we talk about either of them. It can be a way for us to vent the frustrations or anxieties we might have about our own love lives, or find things to compare them to, without feeling like we’re ultimately going to hurt anyone else.

Whatever the reason, celebrity gossip is a thriving industry and it doesn’t seem to be showing any signs of going anywhere soon.

What is your take on our fascination with Celebrity relationships?

Marry the Man that Asks

by MONROKin LOVE

A comedian friend of mine by the name of Paul Danke, once gave me some very sound advice “Marry the man that asks you to marry him, because the men that want to get married, GET MARRIED.”

As modern day women, independent, self sufficient, and sometimes downright arrogant, we can forget that it takes two people to be in a relationship. We often feel that we are the masters of our own universe, and that our dream guy is just going to fall out of the sky because we “manifested” it. We fail to realize that we can’t actually get married unless someone asks us to be his wife. Yes, feminism aside, the power ultimately still lies with men. We can decline, but they have to ask, and cough up 3 months salary in jewelry.

The problem is, there are only a certain number of men around that are willing to do that. We can date guys, fall in love, break up, have passionate romances, but only a few of those men are ready enough to be adults and step up to the plate. Rejecting them can be a dangerous game.

What is the #1 reason we reject people? Because we think we can do better. Taller, more handsome, better job, different family, bigger penis, whatever. We can dream up an endless list of the things we would like to have. I always thought I was going to marry a French diplomat that loved female stand up comedians. I married an Egyptian talk show host that grew up in New Jersey. AND HE IS JUST GREAT.

The reason so many of us are single is because we are delusional about our own self worth. We think we deserve the world, but what we really deserve is standing right in front of us. It’s what we’ve attracted. It’s the universe presenting us with a gift. Do we open it or regift it to someone else?

Nothing can stop a man that wants to get married and have a family life. They aren’t afraid to take the plunge. Who does that leave behind? Divorcees, commitment-phobes, lifetime party boys, basically not anyone that was on your “list.” These guys can be a lot of fun, but do not be fooled — expect nothing from the guy who cancels plans last minute because they “have a buddy in town.”

“Marry the man that asks you” is basically saying “Marry the man that loves you the most” aka is willing to spend the rest of his life dealing with your mood swings, unprovoked fury and (often psychological) criticisms in an effort to be with you. I’ve often been asked what my “type” is. I don’t have a “type.” My type is anyone that likes me; guys that aren’t into me are a turnoff, because I like myself. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life chasing someone that feels he is “out of my league.”

It’s hard out there. With Tinder and the myriad of online dating services, it’s easy to feel like the possibilities are endless. It’s a false illusion. Sure, there’s always a penis around the corner, but it doesn’t have a ring on it.

Does Age Really Matter in a Relationship?

by Lorraine Rockin LOVE

Statistically speaking most people form relationships with people close to their own age.

If you look around you, you will most likely find that your friends, neighbours and relatives are in relationships with people between two to 7 years older or younger than they themselves are.

Women have traditionally married men a couple of years older. There are a few rational reasons for this. In the past a woman wanted someone who was a bit more established than she was, and anecdotally men want to wait longer before they have families.

In my own life I have dated men up to 16 years older than I am, and also men up to 9 years younger. The younger I was it seemed, the older my partner was!

When I was 18 I had a 2 year relationship with a man of 34. He was just 10 years younger than my Dad, and was actually friends with him. I benefitted from his maturity, but eventually found the relationship a bit stifling. We were both volunteers for St. John’s Ambulance, and that was the only thing we really had in common.

During the time I was dating the older guy, I met a man of 22, and we had an on-off relationship for a couple of years. In many ways I was the more mature of the two of us, he was a musician and a bit of a skirt-chaser. The advantage of the relationship was that we had so much in common. We both enjoyed the same kind of music, and with that as a background would talk into the wee hours of the morning over endless cups of coffee, with our gang of mutual friends. My first really long term relationship was also with someone virtually my own age. We had similar backgrounds, similar interests, and in most ways were a perfect fit.

When that relationship broke down, I played the field for a few years and dated both younger and older men. Each age group seemed to have some advantages, younger men were mostly energetic, adorable and a tad insecure, awed by your profound knowledge! but had a totally different frame of reference. Older men were more likely to nurture and want to protect little old you, but tended to want to be “in charge”!

I remember telling one of my younger dates (He was 21, I was 30.) that I had gone to see the World’s Fair with friends, he replied that his parents had taken him – he had been 9, I had been 18, literally double his age! His tastes in music were vastly different, and his idea of a good time was dancing the night away at a party, my taste was maturing into an appreciation of Wine and Fine Dining!

My affection for him was almost condescending, and I did not like that he brought that out in me. I also found that men of my own age, despite the natural differences in personality, at least understood the same social and political references, and had seen the same movies that I had seen!

I had noticed that in many May/September romances of any kind, it is the power imbalance that strains the relationship, so if that is evened out in some way, by money, prestige, or even just personality, then relative power is not an issue.

In my opinion, similarity in tastes and experience is more important than age; but you are much more likely to find those similarities in someone fairly close to your own age. As you age, the gap can actually widen a bit. A 50 year old woman and a 40 year old man (or vice versa) probably have much experience in common, and, in North America at least, maturity is a great leveller.

Each relationship is unique, of course, what works for one is not necessarily good for another.

Problems due to different tastes can be worked through if both parties are willing to compromise. There are mature 20 year-olds, and immature 40 year-olds. As with any aspect of a relationship it works if you both really want it to. Just look at Madonna! – or maybe that’s not a good example.

Age may be just a number, and we are all as old as we feel, or as young as we look,  Right now I am married to a man who is 6 months my junior, but looks and acts his age, whereas I look and act 10 years younger! The older I get it seems that age becomes just demographic information, and inside my head I can remember being 19, which makes me younger than my children!

When Did Sexy Become Being Naked?

by MONROKin Sex

I have lived in Los Angeles for 10 years. Each year, I see more and more clothes come off. This year, the latest look is walking around in shorts with both bottom cheeks hanging out and a crop top or bra. I have seen women of all shapes and sizes in this ensemble in Whole Foods, at the dentist, and out to dinner.

Now I am by no means a conservative. I’m a registered Democrat and I’m voting for Bernie Sanders. I am a girl who had fun in college. I passed out from being drunk, hooked up with guys so they would assemble furniture for me the next day, I have had a one night stand, ONE. I am by no means a prude.

What happened to just BEING sexy? Sexy used to be a thing you WERE. It used to be the way you fluttered your eyes, or the way you walked, or the energy you had. When did being sexy become being naked? There are other ways to lead with your sexuality besides baring your goods, and benefits.

Let me describe to you what I consider the best feeling in the world. The best feeling in the world is when a man, who really has no idea what your body looks like, sees it for the first time. Now, this only happens when there has been a build up. You meet, you go on a few dates, or maybe he’s a friend that you have decided to be intimate with. That moment, when he takes off your (chemise or fitted sweater, :P) and sees you in the nude for the first time is one hell of a confidence boost. Trust me, it is SO MUCH BETTER than him finding out as you walk down the street.

We say we should be able to walk around however we choose and feel safe, sure every woman is entitled to safety, but respect is EARNED. We, as women, are the gatekeepers of sexuality. The right to our bodies should be earned and not put out on display as if for sale. Dressing a little more modestly shows that you have respect for yourself, and your body.

If you are feeling sick reading this and NO ONE IS TELLING YOU HOW TO BE SEXY, just hear me out. These looks have worked for me and make me feel both confident and desirable.

Skinny leggings/jeans and a loose top.

In this look we are featuring our legs, so if you have long, sexy legs, work them. This look is great with ballet flats or even a mid level heel if you want to dress it up a bit.

The shape of your bosom should just be slightly discernable.

A tube style dress that is longer in length.

This look is great for showcasing your upper body, neck, and collarbone (which can be very sexy) The dress falling at or just above the knees is a really flattering length.

A fitted, long sleeved dress.

I adore this look. Your entire upper body is covered but your silhouette is perfectly framed. The length can vary, go ahead and show off those legs again if you like.

The key is to leave at least one body part to the imagination. And when that moment comes, when you are unveiled for the first time, you won’t regret it. BEST. FEELING. EVER.

How do you dress SEXY?

Ask Him Out! Here’s How.

by MONROKin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

The tables have turned. Women are in charge, there are now even dating apps that immediately put the ball in our court to open the conversation with a man of interest. So why not do it on the street?

I was 24 years old. One morning, I went to breakfast with a friend. I noticed a man with olive skin, and slightly longer hair that took my breath away. My friend said that I should say something, but I was too timid. I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t eat anything; there was just something about this guy. My friend finally decided that she was going to say something. She walked over to his table and told him that her friend was interested in him. He asked “What friend?” She turned around and I had jumped the fence of the restaurant and was hiding in a clothing store next door. “Uh, she was just here, anyway, here’s her number…”

He called. We arranged to meet that night. He ended up coming to a Comedy Show I was performing at. He joined to grab a bite with all the comics afterwards and ended up picking up the entire bill. Thus began the passionate affair with a serious gentleman that lasted for the next three years. (I know this would be better if I said “ …and now we’ve been married for x years,” but it was a significant relationship and an experience that I learned a lot from.) He totally Pretty Woman’d me (except I wasn’t a prostitute, just a young, nerdy kid). Regardless, the relationship helped me bloom into the woman I am today.

That is an example of what can happen when you say something (albeit it, my friend spoke on my behalf). This was in 2006, it is now 2015, and fewer and fewer men have the gumption to approach a woman in public. The tables have turned. Women are in charge, there are now even dating apps that immediately put the ball in our court to open the conversation with a man of interest. So why not do it on the street?

How many times do you see someone in public that you find cute but are too shy to do anything about it? The next time you are on the elevator with someone that peaks your interest, or see someone at a coffee shop, just walk up to the guy and introduce yourself. What do you have to lose? It’s so easy to hide behind your computer screen or be glued to your phone that you could in fact miss an opportunity right in front of your face. Look up folks! There are men everywhere; who says we can’t speak to them? I know, it might seem super creepy and weird at first, but it’s actually not that bad. Turns out, guys are really easy to approach. THEY LOVE WOMEN and don’t mind talking to us!

I have since been helping friends have the confidence to approach men and have two relationships under my belt. Most guys think it’s sexy and a turn-on, very few feel “intimidated” by it and come on, who wants a guy that feels intimidated by a woman anyway? Confidence is always attractive regardless of gender. It shows that you aren’t afraid of failure, and that is a great quality to have in life.

How about you? Do you make the first move?

Why I Swipe Right for Divorced

by Lisa Lauretain RELATIONSHIPS

Divorcées may not all know exactly what they want, but they have a much better idea of what they don’t want.

“Never married,” two of my least favorite words, whether they’re apart or together. And yet, they can be found at the top of probably over half of the profiles I come across when I’m online dating. Why is “never married” such a selling point? Am I supposed to take this statement to mean you’re unscathed, that you have no baggage? Well, I’m not buying it, and for me, it’s less a selling point and more a reason for me to swipe left.

The first thing I did after getting out of my three year monogamous relationship was hop on all the dating sites and apps, making myself a bunch of clever, witty profiles with WAY more written words than any interested party would ever desire to read. And it worked! I went on date after date. It became my new favorite hobby. I started telling people I was a professional dater. Men, women, couples, and everyone in between, I was dating them all and having a blast! I think the only reason I was able to have so much fun going on terrible date after terrible date was because I wasn’t looking for love or anything remotely resembling it. This is also the reason I considered everyone as an option, even those with “divorced” in their profiles. Since beginning this open-policy dating journey, I’ve found one common thread that surprised even me: the only single people I really enjoy in the dating world have gone through a divorce.

I realize that this sounds at the very least a bit strange, and to some completely off the mark. The way most see it, a divorced person who is dating is trying to jump into something that they failed so miserably at that courts had to get involved. This is true, but here’s the kicker, everyone who is good at anything has failed at it. Think about it, athletes practice endlessly for years and years before becoming professionals. A stand up comedian has to bomb a joke to realize how to rewrite it into something people laugh at. And how many times do babies fall on their faces before taking more than two steps in a row? A lot, and if you don’t trust me on that one, there’s plenty of evidence on Youtube. My point is practice makes perfect. And a divorced person is basically ready for Carnegie Hall.

I’m honestly more excited to hear someone has divorced than I am to hear someone has gotten married. This isn’t because of some sick fetish of enjoying people’s pain, although those baby falling vids can be hilarious. It’s because I know that someone who’s divorced has typically learned a lot about who they are and who they want to be. Divorcées are not only people who are intelligent enough to recognize that something needed to end, but were also brave enough to have let, or even make, that end happen. But there are more aspects to a divorcées personality besides bravery and intelligence that make them ideal candidates.

The recently divorced typically have more insight and better communication skills. This is because many who have called it quits went through counseling before doing so. Believe it or not, even when counseling doesn’t help the current relationship, it can really help future ones. Therapy can teach a lot about how someone is communicating, or not communicating. By seeing a relationship through someone else’s eyes, a person can realize they have needs that aren’t being met, and can also discover that their partner has needs they haven’t been meeting. What’s more, a lot of people discover that this is why they’re arguing, rather than leaving their nail clippings on the floor. Counseling can provide clues into how to be better in the future, whether it’s with their current partner or future ones.

Divorcées may not all know exactly what they want, but they have a much better idea of what they don’t want. I’ve dated a lot of people who were on a seemingly endless path to nowhere, perhaps because in the past I’ve dated a lot of comics. But there are a lot of people out there, besides comics, who have no idea what they truly desire out of a partner, a career, or even life. Divorced people don’t necessarily all have a clear answer when asked what they want, but they know at least one thing that didn’t work for them in the past, and many recognize how to avoid this in the future. This means that if they’re dating you, it’s probably because you do things differently than their ex (unless, of course, they’re a masochist who loves repeating negative patterns).

There’s also a maturity that comes from someone who was once legally bound to another. Chances are they shared finances, maybe even purchased a home with someone else. No matter how entwined their assets became, they’ve at the very least had some experience with “what’s mine is yours.” This is a huge step up from the eternally single dudes and gals I was used to dating, the type who haven’t committed to anything more than how much ketchup to put on a burger.

And finally, divorce can be quite humbling. There’s a certain cockiness to the single person that a divorced person often loses along the way. They know they’re imperfect. In fact, many of them have had these imperfections pointed out a bit too much so go easy on ‘em, huh? Even those who honestly believe their relationship failed solely because of the other person involved still know it failed, and live with the knowledge that even they couldn’t save it.

So I suggest the next time you see “divorced” in a profile, you give them a chance. And if you’re divorced, be proud that you made a choice that you’re probably happier and healthier for! Wear it like a badge of honor, because there are people out there, including myself, who will always pass up the “never married” for the more seasoned divorcées.

Kissing–How to Absolutely Freshen It Up

by Virginia Jonesin Sex

Kiss Me Quick, And Then Keep Doing It

Look, I know you’re an adult.  You’ve been in the kissing game for a long time, and I know you’ve got your methods, but like all activities, you can always improve the fundamentals and up your game.

First, I’m going to go over a list of don’ts.  Shocking as it is, I have experienced all of these with men over 30.  I am submitting this list as a public service.

What Absolutely NOT to do:

Tip 1:  Slobber. Always Something There To Remind Me

Make sure to cover the whole bottom half of the girl’s face with an even layer of your spit.  Imagine a dotted line from ear to ear, across her nose, then reaching down to her chin, and try to cover that whole area.  Hormones are tricky things, and you don’t want to walk away from this adventure without her being able to smell your lunch on her upper lip.

Tip 2: Don’t forget to cover every tiny detail of the mouth with your tongue!  Ever!

Nobody wants to think about the worst case scenario, but a real modern lothario is going to have to accept the possibility that some of his conquests may go missing or die.  How can you help?  Well, think of every kissing session as an opportunity to take in information.   If you’ve spent some time getting hot and heavy and you could not assist the police in making a detailed plaster cast of the inside of  “the victim’s” mouth, you’ve wasted everyone’s time.  Touch every tooth with your tongue.  Now, do it again.  Make notes.  Try to see how far you can get it down her throat.

Tip 3: Strangle Hold Hands

It’s well known that there’s nothing that makes a girl feel safer and more cared for than when someone, preferably James Franco, softly caresses her cheek, then gently cradles her face in his hands to kiss her.  Now, imagine how much better she’d feel if imaginary James Franco had his hands loosely but solidly around her throat!

Tip 4: Hickeys

Hickeys serve a lot of purposes.  For one, they are marking your territory, like a dog pissing on a tree.  For second, if you are judicious about the size and location of your hickeys, they can protect your property because you’ve marked a pretty girl in a hideous manner.  If you are dating a particularly naive girl, she may form the impression that you are a sexy vampire, a la “Edward.”  How exciting for everyone!  I once saw a Dunkin’ Donuts employee in Plano, TX who was wearing a temporary turtleneck of hickeys, covering him from his jawline down into his uniform, and although it was nauseating, I thought, “Well, at least somebody loves him.”  It may have been a series of unfortunate birthmarks.  What am I, a scientist?

NOW Here’s How to ABSOLUTELY Freshen Up KISSING:

The lips are the most publicly available erogenous zone.  Kissing involves all the senses, we’re communicating by touch and smell, and even with pheromones, those weird, invisible strings that draw us together.  Kissing is a kind of magic, and it doesn’t get enough attention.

Mirror Man:

Kissing is something that two people do together, so try not to be too dominant or submissive.  It’s a give-and-take, so feel where your partner is and try to match it.  Mirror their pressure, rhythm, and frequency.

Change it Up:

Build up to crescendos, adding pressure and urgency, then take it slow and gentle.  Remember that closed-mouth kisses can be both incredibly tender and sensual, mix them in with, as we used to say, “Frenching”.  Make variations in your method until your partner thinks you’ve been kissing other people, and then say no, Virginia told me to do it, and then they’ll say who the hell is that?  Now you’re fighting, and we all know how erotic that can be!

Take Your Time:

Too often as adults, kissing is given a short shrift as we gallop towards intercourse, but we forget what an important part of foreplay it is.  Remember when you were a teenager, and you’d kiss until your mouth was chapped and your eyes were out of focus, just making out in a dark corner until an authority figure found you?  Remember how fun that was?  Let your partner know you’re going to stop at first base for fifteen or twenty minutes before you continue with more foreplay.  Set a timer on your phone. It won’t get boring, it’ll just make you more excited to hit the bedroom!

Dating When You Have Children–10 Do’s and Don’ts

by Lorraine Rockin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Re-entering the dating pool after a relationship break up is not always easy, we are often emotionally bruised and battered, it is hard to trust again when you have lost faith in someone you once loved.

Nonetheless hope does spring eternal, man is a pair-bonding animal ……..   yada, yada, yada! ……..

Doing this with a child or two (or more!) in tow is even more fraught, both emotionally and parentally. I’ve been there – twice! Once with a 3 year-old and a six-year-old, and a second time when they were young teenagers.

After discussing the subject with all sorts of single parents, male and female, I have developed a list of do’s and do nots, from their experiences and my own.

1. Take it slowly, you may be delighted that you can feel something again, and excited to step out and have fun. You are most likely out of practice, try going out with a friend and exposing yourself to the new dating scene. In fact take it slowly all around, many counsellors suggest not dating for a full year after your separation/divorce or death of a spouse.

2. Date away from your own house; do not expose the children, no matter what their age, to a parade of one-night stands. (This should be obvious, but I’ve seen it done!) They will be confused, it sets a bad example, and they will lose respect for you in the process.

3. Make sure that the relationship is a “keeper” before even mentioning the new person to the kids. Either date on nights when they are at the other parent’s house, or get a sitter, and say you are meeting a new friend, which is true!

4. If you are fortunate and find a relationship which starts to develop into something serious, talk to the kids about what is happening, they are probably still hurt and confused, and no matter what needs you may have, theirs come first!

5. Introduce the new person as just a friend, keep it light and casual. Before you get too deep into the relationship watch how your date interacts with your kids. Trust your instincts, if something seems “off”, listen to it, and try to find out what is causing you discomfort. My “research subjects” told me that they had ignored this at their peril. Some said that years down the road they discovered that a seeming insignificant behaviour that they had noticed and discounted, became one of the reasons the relationship eventually failed.

6. When you have decided that this is a relationship you want to maintain, introduce the topic to the child(ren), but test the waters as you go, and keep it fairly casual. Perhaps go on a day-time date away from the house, and do something the younger generation would enjoy. If the other person has kids you might want to take both sets of kids to a museum, or amusement park as a first exposure. Tailor the activity to the kids’ ages, see how everyone interacts, and no PDA’s!

7. Never leave your children with a new date until the relationship is firmly established, and you would trust this person with your most precious possessions. Do not expect this new person in your life to be a baby-sitter, no matter how much they seem to get along with your kids. You are their parent and they are you’re This was mentioned many times by the guys especially, but unless it is an emergency don’t fall into the trap. Apart from the obvious danger of leaving your kid(s) with a relative stranger, it is an imposition unless it’s a mature relationship.

8. As in Rule number one, no sleepovers when the kids are around. This can be a problem, especially if your former spouse has already gone that route. It’s tough, but if you break up, even after months of dating you run the risk of inadvertently falling into rule #1 territory. In addition the kids may have developed some attachment to your new friend, and will be hurt if they suddenly disappear

9. Listen to your children, no matter how young they are. I cannot emphasise this too much. All my subject matter experts were clear. Verbal and non-verbal cues are there if you listen to them. I don’t want to scare anyone, but more than one parent has come to regret not listening to their kids, and having something awful happen.

10. Make sure from the beginning that your new other half understands that you are a package deal. If the relationship become serious this may be your baby’s new Step-parent. Make sure they know that you will probably always put your kid’s needs before the adult’s needs. This is tough for any new romance, but particularly if they have never had kids. You know the old adage, Love me – love my dog? Well this goes triple for kids. If you suspect that your new love (or their child) resents your children – RUN! This is almost always a recipe for disaster. It may be painful at the time, but you will be saving everyone a bucketful of pain down the road.

Of course you may have wonderful luck, and find your new “happily ever after”; you become just like the Brady Bunch, and everyone loves each other. Most people are great human beings, but we all come with baggage, and second marriages have a MUCH higher incidence of divorce than first ones. Our children are precious to us, and even though a parent should not become a recluse, and should expect to have a life of their own, if the kids aren’t happy – NO-ONE is happy!

Date with your kids in mind.

5 Special Tips to Create a Meaningful Valentine’s

by Christian Cintronin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

For couples this can be a relationship-defining holiday. 

I’ve spent more Valentine’s days painfully single than I’d like to admit. When you’re single, it’s easy to get distracted by all the flowers and candy you’re not getting.  The holiday is about celebrating love not candy hearts and having someone to share a meal with.  When I have had a Valentine I’ve been sure to make it special because we’re celebrating intimacy and romance. They’re more important than wasting time and money going through the motions. Here are a few ways to make your Valentine’s Day extra special:

  • Get an Original Gift – Valentine’s Day isn’t exactly Christmas. But for new couples it can be a relationship-defining holiday. For longtime couples, it can be a chance to reaffirm your connection. Why not show your love by showing your partner exactly how much you know about them? Does your partner like art? You can get them art supplies or a book of paintings by their favorite artist. How about sports? Get them a small piece of swag with their favorite sports team. Does your partner collect anything, have a unique hobby, or is a hardcore fan of something? You’ve got your gift idea right there. The old adage is it’s the thought that counts. A little thoughtfulness and effort can go a long way in getting the perfect gift. Intimate doesn’t always mean sexual. I’ve found my best luck getting gifts that truly represent the person they’re for.
  • Happy With Handmade – Establishing you have the same values is an important part of a long lasting relationship. Does your partner actually like a big spectacle? You could just as easily invest time and effort rather than cold hard cash. A really great mix-tape can show your partner your favorite music and songs you think are romantic. Bare in mind this mixed tape might look more like a CD or a playlist on a mp3 player or iPod. You could give your partner an hour-long massage with oil and candlelight. This has served me in having a really special evening. There’s also something to be said for making them a unique piece of jewelry, painting, or even a love poem. Just make sure you’re doing it inspired by your love and not by the prospect of saving a few bucks. I like to make handmade cards and share how I’m feeling. It’s a way more valuable keepsake than a store bought card.
  • Sexy Gifts – Tis the season for some sex toys. There are rarely gift-giving occasions where toys or lingerie are appropriate. But Valentine’s is that day. You may not be married but you can still invest in marital aids. Sex is a very important part of any relationship. But, these should be gifts that your partner wants not something that you’ve been dying to try. Either way, Valentine’s is a great time to invest in that special toy or outfit you’ve had your eyes on. We all strive for sex to happen on Valentine’s Day. A little spice can go a long way.
  • Plan an Outing – It’s easy to get sucked into the con of spending twice as much on a prix fix menu to eat at a restaurant you wouldn’t choose otherwise. Why not try a trip to a museum, a well-planned hike turned picnic, or even a weekend away. Hotel prices may be at their peak but a well-timed surprise weekend can be transformative both for your relationship and day-to-day life.  My friend won major points a couple of Valentine’s ago by surprising his lady with a trip to San Francisco. It was a pretty major coup for him in their relationship.
  • Collaborate – A surprise can be a really great part of any gift. But this holiday is about celebrating your relationship. Why not show your couple pride by collaborating? Talk to your partner and get a feel for what they want. Talk about ideas and plan your special day together. After all there are two parts to any couple and both should get to enjoy the day. It may be the luxury of being queer but I find that it’s best when my guy and I discuss our plans for the holiday. It’s not fair to put all your expectations on the holiday on one person, regardless of their gender. A relationship is rarely one-sided so why should a holiday about relationships be?

Valentine’s Day is a simple holiday but when you’re in a relationship it does take on a whole new meaning. I know I’ve spent many of them alone so I know my partner may need a little extra special attention. But there are also some people who are super low maintenance and may not want to make a big fuss. The trick to making the most of the holiday is to show your partner you really care. Buck the system of expectations and an overreliance on pink hearts and remind yourself to celebrate your partner. The most important tip to surviving Valentine’s Day is to show you know your partner and honor their feelings. Have a very Happy Valentine’s Day!

The Sex Addict

by RJ Newellin Sex

I realize now that all I wanted was a connection.

My name is Amanda, and I am a sex addict.

Or I was, until I had sex with a famous-dude-I-can’t-name-but-let’s-call-him Dustin Shmieber. Millions of girls all over the world would kill to be where I was. You actually don’t have to kill anybody, but there are certain steps you have to take. Legally. It’s for his safety. Or whatever.

Step 1 – You must say “yes, Dustin Shmieber, I will have sex with you,” out loud, in front of a witness, usually his entire crew of security guys.

Step 2 – You must wait until Dustin Shmieber gets in his vehicle and drives away to wherever it is, you guys will be meeting up later.

Step 3 – You must relinquish your cell phone, your wallet, and your ID, and allow a bunch of giant men to search you for any recording devices or weapons.

Step 4 – You are then blindfolded and put in a different car, and driven to an undisclosed and mysterious location. No one tells you where you’re going, or how you’re getting back. And naturally, you, the young, innocent Shmelieber that you are, don’t think this is weird at all.

Step 5 – You’re taken, blindfolded, into the building where Dustin sits and waits somewhere…it’s kind of funny, I just imagine him crouching like Gollum and waiting… and you are told to sign a legally binding contract saying that – if you have an STD, he is not responsible, and if you get pregnant, he is not responsible, and it is your duty to find treatment and/or an abortion at your own expense, he is not responsible, and you cannot contact him in any way whatsoever, because he is not responsible. It gets better. You cannot tell anyone, in public or private, what happened in that room with him, or you will be the responsible one who is sued to death. You have to sign. Then, and ONLY THEN, are you allowed into a room alone with the Shmiebs.

Even I, the frantic sex maniac that I am, should find this a little bizarre.

But this was different. This was Dustin Shmeiber. Adored by millions. Girls wanted him. Boys wanted to be him. I just wanted to be on him. But when I finally got in that room…I saw only that this creature was more alone than me.

My name is Amanda. I don’t like sex as much as I used to.

I realize now that all I wanted was a connection. As fucked up as that situation was, I got what I was searching for. That night, when I looked into his face, I found myself there… and it was heartbreaking. It doesn’t matter who you are. A million adoring fans is worth nothing, if you do not love yourself. Loneliness does not discriminate. In any relationship, sexual or otherwise, you are the one you need most. It’s never too late. Love is power, and it’s all in your hands.

Inventive Moments to Have Sex When You Have a 6 Month Old

by Amy Albertin Sex

Here are my three favorite ideas I’ve gathered about how to get that nookie when your kids aren’t looking!

My husband and I have a six-month-old baby. We love the crap out of this kid. She’s delightful and hilarious and for all intents and purposes, a great baby. However, she is, and I feel no remorse in calling her this, the ultimate cock block.

As two working adult comedians it’s hard enough to find time for sex even without this beautiful bundle of distraction, but with a kid it’s almost impossible! I quickly discovered as I asked around to our other be-babied friends, that we were certainly not alone in this sexual conundrum. So here are my three favorite ideas I’ve gathered about how to get that bootie when your kids aren’t looking!

The first is what I like to call “nap time nookie”. This can get tricky as some parents, ourselves included, only have one bedroom which usually means throwing down on the couch (though my husband is 6’4”, so it’s not always comfortable), or as one hilarious parent referred to it, “12 minutes on the den sofa after they’ve gone down”. Sometimes this attempt can get dangerous if you’re trying to squeeze in a few moments to yourselves. You see babies, at least mine, are born with excellent timing. They can sense your unbridled, adult-time happiness so their eyes spring open and they start squealing for your attention, thinking “oh no Mommy, this is not the time to enjoy yourself, it’s time for you to sing to me and let me breast feed until your boobs look like two tube socks filled with sand!” Luckily I’m not alone in this experience, and as one mom revealed she and her husband decided to take advantage of nap time and even though their baby had awakened, they let the little one cry for a few minutes and try to fall back asleep on her own for a bit. This would’ve worked had their neighbor not heard the baby and burst into the apartment to let them know she was up! Thank you neighbor! We know! And also how the fuck did you get in here? Did you make a key for yourself? We’re moving for sure.

Anyway, the moral of this story is, when the kids go down, you can also.

Another tried and true method is utilizing the babysitter. I mean, you’re paying them so why not add a few moments onto your grocery run with hooking up in your car, or as another mommy friend of mine told me, doing their “taxes” in the garage office. Taxes can be complicated, what with all those deductions and donations and what-not, so this seems like something the sitter may have to stick around for a couple times this month. And next…actually, it turns out we’re filing late this year! Maybe we should pencil you in for a few times this week alone! This story also made me realize I now know the true meaning behind product “TurboTax”.

Finally, try referring to the letter of the day, which will always be S, as in Sesame Street. My baby is mesmerized by this magical show, which gives me and her dad approximately five minutes to go the bedroom and jump all over each other. It’s a very efficient five minutes indeed. Some parents may be against TV for their babies, but I justify it by telling myself Sesame Street is educational, adorable, teaches kindness, has fabulous musical numbers, and most importantly enough stimuli to distract even the most active six month old.

The point is, keeping the romance in your relationship can be challenging enough, but taking time, even a very productive five minutes, can keep your partnership strong and full of life!

The Married Millennial – Are We Too Young?

by RJ Newellin LOVE

A mistake is only a failure if you don’t learn from it. Marriage and divorce shouldn’t be any different.

I got married at 21. By today’s standards, that makes me a unicorn.

When I show up with a new tattoo, nobody bats an eye. But the second I say I’m married? I might as well have joined a cult.

“How old are you, again?” my yoga teacher asked.

I answered honestly. “I’m 21.”

Her face must have gone through fifty shades of pity. “Are you sure?”

In our early twenties, we are expected to make adult decisions. Finishing college, choosing our careers, voting in elections – these are not tasks for children. As an adult, I’m allowed to make choices for myself. I’m allowed to make mistakes.

If we can smoke cigarettes in our twenties (risking cancer), own a credit card (and a lifetime of student loan debt), or joining the military (at 18, mind you) – why is marriage such a scary concept to us?

Traditional marriage goes against what many of us have come to know.

“How long have you been together? Because when I was in my twenties…”

This is a trick question. It doesn’t matter how long we have been together – her mind is made up that I am too young. Her conclusion is probably drawn from her own experiences at 21 – and that’s not a bad thing.

A year before, I would have agreed with her. I’ve had every reason to not believe in marriage. My experiences with long-term relationships began much younger than most, and nearly all of them ended in heartbreak. I know what it’s like to think you’ll spend forever with someone, only to leave – or be left. My own parents divorced. My friends’ parents divorced. I’ve been to more divorce dinners than actual weddings…and that’s because I don’t like weddings.

Before my husband came along, I swore off the possibility of long-term relationships completely. Monogamy was a lie. Marriage was an outdated system. Why would a strong, career-minded feminist like myself willingly give herself legally to another person?

I argued this point whenever marriage was mentioned. I questioning my friends’ life choices and cut my own relationships short when things got too serious. I was content to spend the rest of my life as a happily single woman. Now, here I am, with a ring on my finger.

Is it scary? Yes. Do I question my decision? No.

A mistake is only a failure if you don’t learn from it. Marriage and divorce shouldn’t be any different. I can’t predict the next ten, twenty, thirty years. But no matter how my life turns out, I will be grateful for having shared it with him.

Nobody can predict the future, and that’s what makes marriage so huge.

I know a couple that dated for ten years before getting married. They divorced after one year. I also know a couple that got married six months after they met. They’ve been married for thirty years, and counting.

There is no guarantee that any relationship will survive. Our generation has been raised to value reward over risk. We want results, now. To many of us, marriage just sounds like a really expensive mistake. It’s easier to live together and have children together, without the hassle of expensive paperwork.

“Why invest in a marriage when you can have all the perks without it?” asked basically everyone.

As soon as our engagement announcement went live on social media, my inbox overflowed with congratulations…and concern.

“Have you been with him long enough to be sure?”

“Does this mean you giving up your career?”

“Are you pregnant?”

“I know it’s not my business, but…”

Sixty years ago, getting married in your twenties was totally normal. But then again, more of us had stable jobs in those days. People weren’t as afraid of the future then as we are now.

Nobody knows where – or who – we’ll be in five, ten, or twenty years. For many, this is why being “tied down” to any one person is terrifying. But for some, this is all the more reason to commit to something – or someone.

We’ve now been married for one year. So far, so good. We know that marriage is hard work. And it’s more than likely that we won’t be the same people in ten years. That’s not a bad thing. It means we’re growing – and hopefully, we’ll grow together.

Maybe you are also in your twenties, and you were hoping this article might help you decide whether to get married or not. My question for you, is – why?

Do your life choices reflect what you want, or what other people want? This applies to everything, not just marriage. Self-sabotage occurs by comparing ourselves to others and waiting for outer validation.

When my lover got down on one knee, he didn’t say, “Hey, friends and family, should she marry me?”

And I didn’t say, “Hold on a second,” and then get out my phone to Google national divorce statistics.

He simply asked, “Will you marry me?”

And I said, “Yes.”

Marriage is a choice between two people, to be made every day for the rest of life. I feel ready, but that doesn’t mean you have to. Love is all that matters. Embrace the way it lives for you.

Are we TOO young?

How Do I Not Screw Up This Relationship!

by Carlyn Hudsonin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Let’s just say the last thing I envision saying to my future children about my 20s is, “Ya know, I should have dated more people and partied just a little harder.” 

I spent a lot of time in my early to mid-20s being single. I hung out with my girlfriends like it was my job, focused like crazy on my career, and generally, was selfish AF. I also did a bang-up job of dating people that were far from being right for me (an ex pro skateboarder turned corn maze owner, a divorced father of four, a Jimmy John’s bicycle delivery man and a gaggle of musicians come to mind). Let’s just say the last thing I envision saying to my future children about my 20s is, “Ya know, I should have dated more people and partied just a little harder.”

But something has changed in me in the past year. I shudder to admit this, as I used to be cool and detached (I promise!),  but I finally feel ready for something more. I want to know someone, deeply, and I want to fall so hard that I may not know how to pick up the pieces at the end.

Does that make you want to vomit a little? Okay good, me too.

Here’s the scariest part: I may have actually found a person worth all of that. The first few months of my new relationship have been nothing short of incredible, and for the first time in a really long while I can’t blame any issues on “he’s not right for me,” because I kind of think he is. So now, the biggest question is, how the hell do I not screw this up?

Every single day I’m afraid that I already am, because I always have in the past. I have an aching feeling that it’s too good to be true, that he’ll figure out I’m not as great as he thinks I am, the “real” (aka “bad”) me will come out and run him off, that he’ll realize I’m inherently bad at relationships, or worse, that I’m unlovable.

With that in mind, I did a pretty cool thing last night; I created a problem from nothing. I don’t mean to brag, but, this is an area in which I excel in relationships. I’m kind of amazing at it.

It went down like this. We were drifting off to sleep when I realized we were about to go to bed without having sex, a first for us, and instead of rationalizing that it was a long day, we were exhausted, and ya know, we’re humans and not rabbits, my mind went straight to “He thinks I’m ugly and terrible in bed and he’s already bored of me and OH GOD we’re doomed.”

Naturally, I said something passive agressive, he sensed something was wrong, and I completely shut down. I turned my back to him. I played the “nothing’s wrong, I’m fine” game and pouted quietly until all of sudden I realized what I was doing, and I felt terrible.

Then, a miracle happened. Instead of quietly wallowing in self-loathing, I opened up, and I talked to him. I told him how in past relationships I’d felt rejected in this way and was nervous it’d happen again. I said out loud all of the crazy things in my head, like how I push people away when they get too close, or shut people out when I feel vulnerable, and finally the big one: I’m frightened that I inevitably will or already have screwed this amazing relationship up.

But guess what? Another amazing thing happened. I didn’t scare him away. In fact, he said he felt the same and that he was terrified of ruining everything too.

I hugged him, giddily, and realized in that moment that we’re in this together, and that THIS is how you communicate with a partner. My Goddess! Why had no one told me this before?! You talk these things through *in* the moment, before you’re already distant, or breaking up, and it’s too late.

I know that we still have a long way to go. I have a great deal to learn about being a partner, and communicating, and some long-term relationship veterans may be thinking “But you’re still in the honeymoon phase! Of course it’s going well!” To which I’d say, “That’s right, suckers! It’s awesome.” Trust me, over the course of writing this I’ve already thought of 10 new and innovative ways to push him away, or convince him to run far, far away from me. But there’s one thing I’ve promised this man, and that I’ve made him promise me: If we’re going to screw this up, let it be over something real, and not from being scared.

I’ve spent so much of my adult life building up walls and protecting my heart, and for what? So that I can feel in control? So that I won’t get hurt? Sadly, the only person I’ve hurt in that process is me. I don’t want to hide behind my own bullshit anymore. I want to fall, hard. I want to love, and allow myself to be loved by this person so deeply that no matter what happens, I’ll be forever changed. And you know what? I’m ready.