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What I Discovered with My First Love

by Lorraine Rockin LOVE

I was in my early twenties when I found who I thought was my soul-mate. We were from similar backgrounds, both boarding school kids, classically educated, but under-qualified. He had dropped out of University and I was on a hiatus from community college. We were both the unconventional members of pretty conventional families. Jan was involved in the periphery of Music, and neither of us had a real job. Jan’s family was wealthier than mine, but I had the advantage of an English accent, and excellent table manners, which won over his mother, if not his big brother. His father was an American who had gone back to the US after a messy divorce, and was only fleetingly in his son’s life.

We met when my musician boyfriend was on tour. Jan was a friend of his, had visited him in LA, and brought back a message for me. Jan and I hit it off right away,we became so close in such a short time, that we were like brother and sister.  We were both younger siblings, and had each come from a family of divorce.

When Guy, my boyfriend, returned he moved in to my apartment and found work locally. Jan and I would go and see him play, and  to my chagrin Guy would often introduce us to “fans” as though WE were the couple! The reunion lasted six weeks, and when the relationship began to flounder, Jan was right there to offer a shoulder. When the BF moved on Jan moved in.

At first it was a fairly typical rebound relationship: Jan wanted me because I was the rock-star’s ex-girlfriend; bohemian enough to interest him, and classy enough to be comfortable in his home world. I wanted him to prove to my ex that I had moved on, that my heart wasn’t broken, and that I was still attractive. We also cared about each other, which really helped!

In most ways that counted we were compatible, sexually, intellectually and in terms of what we wanted out of life. I was the more extroverted of the two of us, but he was also very social, and our apartment was always filled with friends, we were almost never alone. It was a wonderful life, and if I ever missed my ex I pushed it down.

We both went back to school, he trained as a Recording tech, and I as a Medical tech. we found a rhythm, and we became family.

Time went by fast and suddenly it seemed I was 26, and Jan was 27. I was working in a Childrens’ hospital , dealing with life and death every day, while Jan was working in a recording studio, where getting the right microphone for the drums was his most important task. He was working mostly nights, and I worked days.

I had matured, and it seemed he hadn’t. We had been living together for 5 years, Jan wanted things to stay as they were, but  I was becoming restless, needing a change.

I felt that was no longer the same person that I once had been, and though I still liked to socialize, I no longer enjoyed  the “sex and drugs and rock’n roll” lifestyle that Jan still lived. I was moving towards my thirties, and I realized that I actually wanted marriage and a family. My biological clock was ticking, and his wasn’t.

One of the problems of having a long-term relationship  when quite young, is that we all mature at different rates. There is a reason why most couples have a younger woman/older man dynamic.  (On average, husbands are two to four years older than their wives.) Young men are reluctant to commit while still enjoying themselves; on average they delay marriage and fatherhood until later.

I had often thought that perhaps we weren’t together for the right reasons, we were friends first, lovers later, which seems ideal, but I sometimes wondered if there was a lack of passion in our gradual growth to being a pair. Had we ever really been “in love”? was that a necessary component? was ours a “marriage of convenience”? It certainly wasn’t the grand passion that my previous relationship had been.

There reached a point in my mind at which we would either break up, or marry. Then I discovered that he had a key to my best friend’s apartment and they were hooking up behind my back. I guess he had already made the decision, and forgotten to include me in it!   Diana was a tall blonde model, the complete antithesis of me – short, curvy and redheaded. (As a friend of mine remarked at the time, when your “marriage” hits a rough patch it’s not a good idea to have something that attractive in your life!).

We broke up, and Jan and my friend became engaged. They married within a year of our break up (I was not invited).

I have had many relationships since then, and though I have been married twice I have never achieved the same “soul-mate” status which Jan and I had. I regret losing him in my live even now. Perhaps it wasn’t a grand passion, but in some ways  it was something even better. Too bad we were both too young at the time to recognize it.  Though I cannot say that we have remained friends, we have been in touch over the  I have followed his career, and congratulated him when he was nominated for a Grammy. We both moved on and have done well, our lives enriched for having known each other.

Vaginal Kung Fu

by Susanna Leein Sex

Warning: This is not for everyone. Seek out an expert if you are interested in learning.

There’s three things I’m afraid of: a mass bird attack, a mass zombie attack, and having a lazy pussy.  I realize that the first 2 are irrational fears, but muscle atrophy is a real thing, and the reason behind years of obsessive kegeling on my part. I’m not ashamed of it.  I think everyone has a vanity issue, I have one friend who will not leave her house with chipped nail polish, and another who is a slave to her eyebrows, carrying not one, but two tweezers with her at all times (I can’t imagine the emergency situation which would require double-fisted plucking in public, but I respect her preparedness).  When I was a teenager, I heard an undoubtedly exaggerated, and terrifying story about a woman whose uterus prolapsed, just fell right out of her body.  Like most urban legends, there was a disclaimer on the end of it…”she could’ve prevented this tragedy, if only she’d done her kegels…”, and from that day forward, I was a devotee of the ol’ clench-and-release.

We’ve all read articles about it, where doctors and other sexual health experts promote the benefits of strong vaginal (PC, pubococcygeus) muscles, explain how to kegel (tighten the muscles you’d use to stop your flow while urinating, hold for a few seconds, release, and repeat about a million times), and then tell you how easy it is to find the time to do it.  Because it’s such a discrete exercise, you can do it anywhere: behind the wheel in traffic, waiting in line at the grocery store, sitting with your family in church.  Anywhere you can daydream, you can kegel.  And that’s what I do.  It’s become something I don’t even think about, I just catch myself doing.  So when I was offered the opportunity to take a class on vaginal weightlifting for free, I jumped on it.

It was called Vaginal Kung-Fu, and from what I’d heard, was a sort of super kegel.  A kegel with actual weights involved.  But because the vagina has no hands to grip a barbell (mine doesn’t, anyway), the weighted objects are held in a small pouch, connected to a string, which is tied through a hole in the middle of a jade egg, which is held inside the vagina by activating the PC muscles.  It sounds a little complicated, and thus intimidating, and to make it more so, I was to do this in front of tv cameras.

See, my friend is a producer on a popular tv show, and his friend produces another show for the same network, which focused on unique jobs, one of which was teaching this class.  In order to film the segment, they needed to find women to take the class, who wouldn’t be put off by the thought of millions of people watching.  Being a comedian, exhibitionist, and charmingly shameless weirdo, I take any opportunity to be seen en masse.  I never turn down tv, regardless of what it entails.  Play a fake bride, getting treated like tattooed trash by some Beverly Hills wedding dressmaker who could’ve been Methuselah’s older sister, for a reality show only seen in Canada?  Sure.  Be a fake defendant on a daytime court show that general viewing public doesn’t know is fake?  Hell yes!  Anything.  If it’s on tv, I will do it.  Now, when the producer explained it all to me, he said that if I wanted, I could fake it, with a string tied around my waist, instead of actually having to insert the jade egg, but I didn’t want to miss the actual experience.  Given the opportunity to have fun vs pretend to have fun, I will choose the actual authentic experience.  And really, I’ve had tons of things and people inside me who weren’t worth half the value of a jade egg, so I was totally down for the real deal.  No faking it, I’m a method actor all the way.

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Top 5 Songs to Fall in Love To

by Alexandra Norrisin LOVE

Summer, the season that gets the lion’s share of credit for getting us all some of that sweet lovin’, is upon us!  What better time to reflect on the ongoing soundtrack of our journey through great loves.

Below are my personal favorites.

Such Great Heights – Postal Service

I fell in love with my first grown-up love to this song. I was tour managing for a band and he was in advertising school and an aspiring singer-songwriter. This was one of those songs where you feel like each line relates to you. I remember once being in the tech booth during a sound check on the road and it came on over the PA system and it instantly made my insides into a pile of warm jelly.

NightCall – Kavinsky

This may seem like an odd choice to fall in love. I have been on a few dates with different men where they played the movie “Drive” for me, more on that another time. There is no denying the sexy coolness of this soundtrack. While arguably creepy, my boyfriend at the time and I delighted in calling each other up after dusk and whisper singing the lines into each other’s answering machine. It made us laugh, it brought us closer, and inevitably my childhood crush on The Gos paid off for us all and this song became thematic in our love.

Time – Jungle

My current boyfriend has struggled to find the middle part on our musical venn diagram where we meet throughout our relationship. Spotify and Pandora are both exclusively instrumental movie soundscapes for him; while I mostly like songs with words. Jungle have created some of my favourite music videos and their music transcends generations. He will often put their station on Pandora and look at me as if to suggest I should be very impressed and wooed immediately by this gesture. Admittedly, after I’ve finished laughing at him, it works. Time is possibly the most effective at cracking the shackles around my heart.

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4 ways to Navigate Your Feelings for Someone

by Robin Tranin Mind

It can feel like absolute turmoil if you don’t have the tools to know how to manage your emotions when you develop feelings for someone, from agonizing despair, to intense euphoria, and everything in between.  These are likely signs of love addiction, which can be a result of an overly romanticized social view of “romantic love” as the greatest virtue one can achieve.

If you’re one of the rare people in the world who knows exactly what to say and how to act when you develop feelings for someone, consider yourself lucky.  For the rest of us, it takes conscious effort to figure out what to do and what not to do in these situations.

Through many years of missteps and mistakes, I figured out the healthiest ways to manage the development of feelings for someone, and most of the work is internal.

Here are the steps that have worked for me:

1.  Figure out how to be happy when you’re by yourself.

If you’re able to find happiness from within, life becomes easier, but achieving this level of independence takes hard work.  I read several self-help books and made a deliberate effort to treat myself like my own best friend.

We tend to use the word “alone” when we describe being by ourselves, but using the word “alone” implies that you are not a person.  The fact is, you’re technically never alone because you’re always with yourself.  You’re the only person that you’re around all the time, so you have to figure out how to start seeing yourself as a person and learn how to love that person.  It’s an everyday struggle, but once you feel like you deserve to be treated well by yourself, a whole world of opportunities will open up for you.

In addition to that, you become more attractive to others because there isn’t as much pressure for other people to make you happy.  The foundation of most–if not all–healthy relationships begins with people that can be happy by themselves so that when they find someone they’d like to spend their time with, they do so because the other person is a complement to their lives, and not a necessity.

2.  Lower the stakes.

There’s a tendency to live inside our heads when we begin developing feelings for someone.  Maybe you begin fantasizing what your lives would be like together, or how happy this person will make you.  But once you start going down that road, you begin idealizing a person that you don’t know that well.  You haven’t lived with this person.  You don’t see this person everyday.  You haven’t witnessed this person’s undesirable qualities or bad moods.

You’ve created a person who is perfect, a standard that no human can live up to.  You’ve cast this person as a life-preserver instead of an actual flawed human being like everybody else.  This person is not a magic pill for eternal happiness.

Also, contrary to what most television shows, movies, and books will have you believe, relationships actually take hard work with years of compromise and communication.  It’s not some finish line to happiness.  Once you’ve lowered the stakes, it’ll help you gain some perspective and realize that while it would be nice to spend time with this person, it won’t be catastrophic if you don’t, because you won’t be missing out on a perfect relationship that doesn’t exist.

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Mind Your Manners

by Virginia Jonesin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

I asked readers for questions on online dating from ladies and men, and you really came through!  Thank you so much.

Q: How do you politely end a disastrous first date?

A: First of all- set a time limit for your first date of about an hour.  After that, you have a good idea of whether or not you’d like to spend more time with that person.  Come pre-loaded with an excuse like meeting a friend, or an appointment elsewhere.  Good ideas for first dates include small things, like meeting for a coffee or a drink.  Terrible first date ideas include: attending your cousin’s wedding, going on a road trip to Montreal, or taking a six week long Cantonese cooking course.

No matter how awkward the date is, you can give someone an hour of your time, then bow out and thank them for meeting with you.  You might get a story out of it, or make a friend, or learn something you didn’t know before.  Being polite costs nothing.

Of course, if after an hour you are both looking at each other with sparkly eyes and you just ate a piece of spaghetti together and kissed at the end, you can totally agree to continue the date.

Q: When should you let someone know whether or not you’d like to see them again?

A:  If you have the gumption to tell someone face to face that you really enjoyed meeting them and ask if you can see them again, do so.  It’s the romantic thing to do.  Otherwise, say nothing, slink away and text them surreptitiously when you get back to your car, or send them a message online.

If you don’t want to see them again after the first date, just say nothing.  This is the default setting.

Q: I’m out on a date in a bar, but I see another attractive person in the room.  Since I’m not in a relationship, isn’t it fine to chat up and ask that person out as well?

 A: This is incredibly rude, and telling me that I’m being ridiculous and it wasn’t rude at all doesn’t change anything, Matt!

When you’re on a date, that time belongs to that person.  If you can’t commit to giving one person your undivided attention for a few hours, don’t go on dates, just keep swiping on Tinder.

Q: I’m on a first date with someone who I really like- in the interest of transparency, don’t I need to tell them that I have other first dates planned?

A:  Not only is this none of their business, it’s actually a bit rude.  Going on a first date is more like going on a job interview than it is a romantic event.  You wouldn’t tell an interviewer how many other companies you were trying to get hired at, right?  Not until it was time to talk money.  Treat dating the same way, except never talk about money because then you’re not dating, you’re an escort.

Secretive Couple with Smart Phones in Their Hands

Q: When can I assume that the person I’m seeing isn’t seeing other people?

A:  Never.  Even if you fall in love and move in together and she supports you through graduate school and you stick by her side after she loses her pet hamster in a freak road paving accident, and you get older, start wearing only sweatpants and eventually die holding hands in front of the television, unless you have specifically asked “are you interested in being monogamous?”, you’re best off assuming she was continuing to see other people throughout.

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My Name is Alexandra, and I am Co-Dependent

by Alexandra Norrisin Wellness1 Comment on My Name is Alexandra, and I am Co-Dependent

I felt wrong. All. the. Time. I couldn’t figure out if I was being abused or if my lack of understanding of any boundaries were closing in on him and he was responding accordingly. Probably both. I underestimated the power of infatuation.

When Jonathan called, his voice was bright and excited. At this point, I hadn’t thought much of him other than that he dressed well in vintage and was a fun person to talk to. By the end of the night, after inadvertently getting caught up spending several hours talking, he was the first to acknowledge the spark, and asked if I wanted to kiss him. I blushed, sputtered out an excuse, and stared straight forward at my steering wheel. I felt something, but at this point it was premature; and my gut clenched up.

As the back and forth in planning our next meet-up transpired, it began to occur to me that I really did want to see him again.  Every moment we were together, I found myself swept away and I couldn’t (and had no desire to) shake the daze I found myself caught in.

Between my frequent flyer points and his impressive gifts of return flights surprise trips to Toronto, we somehow saw each other every couple of weeks for the rest of the year. I began making plans to shift my work over to LA as much as possible. We nearly missed every return flight as our feet dragged behind us to the airport to say goodbye, and saying hello never came soon enough.

Of course, the other shoe always loomed above our heads, ready to drop at any moment. I often found myself saying something that would set him into a tailspin, and I would scurry to pick up the pieces. I could never figure out what I was doing wrong, and he would withhold the answers judiciously, like they were part of a test I never read the textbook for.  He was very smart, experienced and appeared to have his life together. I was over a decade his junior;  though I knew I was smart and capable, I followed his lead like a lost puppy. I was his ball of wax to mold; except that beneath the wax were my previously existing flaws and human characteristics that were not at all complimentary to his. They were eager to poke through at any inconvenient moment.

As you might imagine, the cracks in our love turned to canyons, and I found myself in a deep hole. I had gone deeper into debt attempting to keep everything afloat in a foreign country, blinded by my ambitious romantic entanglement, without any real plan. I returned to my mother’s house in my hometown to start over from scratch in my late 20s along with my bruised tail between my legs.

Each morning, I would attempt to go for a swim in a nearby pool. My body felt so heavy and tired, like I was carrying around a deadweight with my head attached to it. Swimming made me feel temporarily lighter and relieved and I could quiet my mind for a few minutes. It was the only thing I could convince my body to do aside from gluing myself to my computer. What I was going through felt like an emotional rock bottom. I had put every last egg in one basket with reckless abandon. This has been something that has served me with unbelievably unique and remarkable experiences and opportunities. But those experiences sometimes went the other way and led to disaster. In this case, it shattered me. I was devastated to a point that it had occurred to me that my breakups felt like a death. An extreme feeling that it occurred to me might not be normal.

My addiction, as it turned out, was people. More specifically, I used relationships to help me feel whole. The amount someone cared for me seemed tantamount to the number of gestures they would produce that showed me this; washing my car or building me something or even just letting me be the little spoon when cuddling, made me feel loved and therefore special and gave me value.  Which stands to reason that when that person decides not to “do” these things, I feel slighted, hurt and empty. My whirlwind romance had become a drug for which I was compromising every aspect of my life; my finances, my stability and any semblance of a healthy interaction with anyone around me.

I had remembered a friend mentioning an organization which was called Co-Dependents Anonymous, modelled after the 12 step programs for recovery from drug and alcohol addiction. As fate would have it, there was a group within walking distance of my mother’s house in the middle of a suburban wasteland. I added this to my short list of things to get out of bed for, and started attending regularly.

For the first month, I had been a shadow of former extraverted self and quietly listened, shell-shocked, to the familiar stories of those around me. I was not alone, and as unique as I would love to believe myself to be, every story I heard felt like a chapter from own experience. These people were me. For the first month, I quietly wept at every single meeting, but would almost always compose myself enough to collect some thoughts to share and kept moving forward. It helped to hear from other people who were at various stages of pulling their shit together and learning what healthy boundaries felt like.

While I began to piece my life back together, I took a couple of interim jobs in depressing call centers lined with mini-cubicles, headsets and the color grey. I filled the time between calls working on the program’s steps and finding balance. I talked objectively to more people one on one than perhaps I ever had in life, alternately asking people survey questions or helping file insurance claims. As removed from my career path as it all was, I was good at it; I felt like I was contributing something constructive to the universe. This helped me feel human and that I had worth. I began to feel lighter and more awake as I readied myself to jump back into the life I had left hanging.

It is at three months when you are considered a recurring member of a 12 Step Group, and can be relied upon to participate in such things as chairing meetings and handing out commemorative chips. I mentioned to some of the members in charge of organizing the meeting for that week that I would be picking up my three month chip that night. The woman on the schedule to chair that evening, graciously offered me the opportunity to lead the meeting for the night. It remains one of my most fulfilling moments, being able to stand confidently in a leadership role in front of the group who had seen me in my most fragile, broken state, as a person who could smile with a genuine warmth from inside. The icing on the cake was having the opportunity to help a newcomer at her first meeting. I picked up my chip, held some hands, submitted my requisition with the universe for serenity and headed back to LA.

For more information, visit www.coda.org and feel free to reach out to me if you are struggling with your own codependence.

 

 

 

Save Yourself From These Dating Pitfalls

by MONROKin DATING ADVICE, LOVE1 Comment on Save Yourself From These Dating Pitfalls

First dates are awkward as it is, as trying to get to know someone can have it’s challenges in any situation. When it comes to choosing a place, here are 5 date pitfalls to avoid:

COMEDY SHOW

I am a comedian, and every time I see a couple on a date in the audience I think WHY??!! Not only can you not talk to the person, but you don’t really know anything about them yet, let alone their sense of humor. Both parties are always reluctant to laugh in fear of the other person taking offense.

Comedian: “You know that awkward moment right after you finish where it’s like UH COULD YOU NOT BE HERE RIGHT NOW”

(Guy looks at girl smiling nervously.)

After the show it’s only more awkwardness. As you’ve basically been sitting next to a stranger for the past two hours you really have no idea what to say. Going to a comedy show is something that you should do when you are comfortable with a person, i.e. AFTER you’ve gotten to know them. Save this night out for when you are committed and need a break from Netflix.

ANYTHING ATHLETIC

We want to avoid starting off a potential relationship by competing AGAINST one another. Also, not everyone is athletic. You could really end up embarrassing someone. Once a guy asked me to go bike riding in Venice Beach. I was too chicken shit to tell him “listen, it took me like 6 years to learn how to ride a bike that ended in my mom enrolling me in “biking school” which was basically an indoor gym for uncoordinated children to ride around with training wheels on.“ Needless to say, I shouldn’t have to bring my helmet and kneepads to get to know someone. Activities that require teamwork where you can excel/learn together tend to be better suited for dates, like a cooking class or wine tasting.

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The Naked Truth

by Susanna Leein LOVE

One of the most common anxiety dreams that people have involves being the only naked person amongst the clothed masses, commonly at work or school.  In dreams, nudity is symbolic of vulnerability, being exposed for what or who we really are; unable to conceal our true nature.  I think this stems from the conditioning of culture, where we are taught that we must cover our natural state and avert our eyes from the flesh of our brethren, to be considered civilized and decent.  To be naked and unashamed is rare, and I say THANK GOD.

I’m kidding, calm down.  It’s just that I’ve spent years working nude, and have to say that if nudity was commonplace, if there was no air of cool mystery to it, if it wasn’t something that the majority of you found terrifying, I would’ve had a much more difficult time paying my rent without wearing a company-issued polo shirt and name-badge combo, and I’d probably still think there was validity to the idiom about no food tasting as good as being thin feels.  I’ve been a nude figure model and a stripper for years, and being professionally naked taught me more about the realities of confidence and attraction than the entire published run of Cosmopolitan ever could.  And now, I’d like to do my part to reduce your birthday-suit butterflies by sharing a few of the nuggets I’ve picked up during my time unclothed about how to feel better about being naked while not alone.

Perception is 9/10ths of the Law.

To begin, you must understand that our brains, filled with the sum total of our life experiences, are what attach feelings, thoughts, and judgments to those images that we take in with our eyes.  So though we may all view the same person, place, or thing, we all see something different.  My stripper friend, Tiffany, once quoted Anais Nin to me:  “We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.”

Size and shape are nothing until we’re told how to feel about them, and with all of the mixed messages fed to us from all of the various sources (parents, friends, media and advertisers), body image is, at best, a clusterf*** of chaos.  With weight distribution, there is no baseline.  You wear 130 lbs. differently than I do, which is differently than my cousin does.

You can never control how another person sees you, because you can never control the experiences of their past, so it’s futile to spend your time worrying or being upset about it.  I learned this as a figure model at the Kansas City Art Institute.  I’d walk around the room on my breaks, mind blown by the differences that I saw on the easels.  One person’s drawing of a mountain of fleshy curves was another’s detailed shading of taut skin stretched over protruding hipbones.  The only person whose perception you can rely on, or even productively care about, is your own.

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Who’s My Emergency Contact Now?

by Virginia Jonesin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

So, you’ve broken up.

You’ve taken their number out of your phone so you don’t text in moments of weakness. When you drop your cat off at the groomer’s and they ask for an emergency contact you say, “I don’t have one. I guess if I don’t come back, you have to set the cat free.”

Best case scenario: you came together, you challenged each other to be your best, inspired each other, learned from each other, then evolved so much you grew apart and mutually decided to consciously uncouple. Worst case scenario: everything else.

Here are some tips to help you deal:

Mourn the plans you made together.

It could be that annual trip to Batfest in Austin, TX, it could be your aunt’s wedding in Boston, it could just be the new Iron Man movie. Notice and release your disappointment in each thing you won’t be doing together. You’re creating a new reality map in your brain without that person in it.

Disconnect electronically.

This might be the hardest part, because we all want to be supercool adult people. That doesn’t mean you need to see when this dude is out to dinner with a girl whose haircut is very similar to your own, and he doesn’t need to know when you’re out at karaoke singing the Stevie Nicks songs that he used to hear in the shower. You don’t have to delete them, but certainly turn their feed off for a couple of months while you get your head together. Even though it sometimes feels good to dwell on the object of your affection, scratching that itch will just contribute to an obsession and will delay your healing.

Cut off communication.

One of the hardest parts of a breakup, especially of a long relationship, is that you find that the person you used to get comfort from is the last person you should speak to. Talk to friends. Talk to family. Talk to your pastor. Don’t talk to each other. Part of your job right now is to get this person’s smell out of your nostrils, literally and figuratively. Once you stop hanging out with them, you’ll stop saying things like “but we’re so good together!”

Depressed Man After Split Up

Ditch the Knick-knacks.

If you have stuff of theirs that reminds you of them, and it bothers you, put it away. You can even throw it away, if you want. If something is in your house that makes you sad, get rid of it, unless he gave you a couch or something, in that case throw a blanket over it until it doesn’t make you feel sad anymore, because that’s a nice couch.

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Is this Love or Convenience?

by Lorraine Rockin LOVE

Have you ever run into someone you knew from school when you were in a different city? Even if you barely knew them before, you tend to act like you were best buds. That was what happened to me when I moved to a new city and unexpectedly ran into someone I had known from Montreal.

Antony had been a good friend of my sister’s, and also a friend of an old boyfriend. He had been married when I knew him last, and though we had socialized quite a bit I didn’t know him well. He was attractive and funny, and I liked him a lot.

Running into this old acquaintance when I felt lost and a little bit lonely, resulted in that acquaintance quickly morphing into my new best friend. Suddenly I had an ally, someone to say “…do you remember when…” and all too soon we were dating, and making plans for a mutual future.

Cheerful couple in a restaurant with glasses of red wine

Antony’s first marriage had been great, except for one thing, they couldn’t have kids. I don’t know all the details, but it eventually broke them up. He was a good Italian boy, and his Mama wanted grandbabies. I was listening to a ticking clock, and wanted to be a Mom.

I met his parents, they loved me, and soon, way too soon- we were engaged! When the fireworks stopped we realized that we didn’t really know each other. We had very little in common, and very different interests. I was a flower child, he was a rocker.

After six months we drifted apart, we saw each other a couple of times a week, but were finding excuses to be apart. He stopped buying me flowers every payday, and spent more time in his apartment than in mine.

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How to Argue–From a Debate Professor

by Lexi Notabartoloin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Couples argue. When two people share a life (and thus a lot of time) together, it’s unavoidable. Whereas you might feel totally comfortable telling a coworker or friend where to stick their unsolicited opinions, the stakes feel higher with a partner. You care about them. You want them to be happy. But sometimes… you just want them to see that you’re right and they’re wrong and to stop being so difficult. I hear you.

Arguing can be a good thing for a relationship if you do it right. Now, I’m not a psychologist, relationship expert, or professional mediator. What I am is a former internationally competitive debater and teacher of debate. Since this is a safe space and we’re all close, personal friends I’ll be honest: I love to argue. I love the pace and exchange and demand that I think on my feet. My partner — a truly wonderful and patient human — does not find this to be my best quality. I’m here to tell you that there are approaches to contentious moments in a relationship that ensure your voice is heard and can even strengthen your connection.

“The Pregame”

Many arguments are rooted not in the topic being argued, but the perception of what the argument says about one of the involved parties. The best way to mitigate this kind of dynamic is to make a habit of being supportive and constructive in common conversation with your partner. When they say something insightful, tell them you find it interesting. When you glean new information from a discussion, let them know you learned something. The goal isn’t a flattery-off, so don’t force these moments. Saying the little things you think in your brain as you talk with someone you care about can have a big impact when emotions run high. Even a simple “Huh. I hadn’t thought about that. Super interesting” can go a long way when you need it later on.

“The Mind Buck”

When it comes to a loved one, there is no such thing as “stuck” in a conversation. Weird Gene cornering you at the office at the holiday party is “stuck.” Changing the way you think about a situation has powerful implications for how your brain will allow you to process information. Often times we can feel an argument coming on, based on past experience. This generates stress, which does some pretty interesting stuff to brain chemistry and function. Most notably, stress can decrease activity in the parts of the brain that allow for higher level reasoning. If you feel like your critical thinking skills get worse as you get steamed, you might be right.

In this instance, you need to give your brain something else to focus on. Some people try a basic counting exercise, where counting backwards from twenty of fifty, (if you go from zero to Michael Bay in no time flat) de-escalates a situation. I found that a mantra, practiced in calm times but invoked prior to big debate rounds worked well for me. When it comes to fights with my partner, I’ve got a few choice mantras that relate to our connection that I cycle through. “My eyes sparkle when you laugh at my jokes,” reminds me of one of the best small shared moments we have. “You bring me coffee and smell my hair every morning,” is a more practically-focused meditation, and keeps our familial rituals at the forefront. “No matter what you say right now, you’ll still fart in the bed,” pulls double duty as a very true thing that makes me laugh but also something that keeps the situation in perspective. You might really want to, but don’t let your brain freak out or shut down.

“Listen, Breathe, Repeat”

The hardest but most effective rhetorical tool I’ve encountered. Even if the information being presented to you is incredibly objectionable, let the speaker run their course. Then, prior to your response, breathe deeply. Like, I’m talking diaphragm expanding, theatre warm up levels of deep breathing. Then, repeat what you’ve heard as best you can recall it. This does three things:

  • Let’s the other person feel heard;
  • Regulates your heartbeat, avoiding that “rage tremble” feeling we’ve all experienced;
  • Gives your mouth a second to catch up to your brain.

The kinds of people I used to debate against were not ones for brevity, so you’ll have to develop your own ways of remembering points you want to hit while they run out their words. I would pop a knuckle when I heard something I wanted to respond to, which was probably not great for my joints but effective in connecting a sensation to a statement I’d hear. I’d then try to pop the same knuckle and magically find that I was able to recall whatever point to which I’d wanted to respond.

“The Trump Card”

The bottom line is that for most people, anything is preferable to arguing. If your goal is to navigate the shortest distance between contention and drinking an IPA on the couch and laughing about your dumb tiff, nothing beats honesty. “I love you and want to enjoy our time together” tends to throw folks for a loop. That’s okay. So long as you stay levelheaded (see “The Mind Buck”) the relationship world is your oyster.

Being Sexually Purposeful

by Lexi Notabartoloin Sex

I like sex. I don’t say this in a scandalous, “Samantha-from-Sex-and-the-City” way, but as a simple statement of fact. Sex feels good, I think I’m reasonably “good” at it, and the combination of those two things is a bigger aphrodisiac for me than any sense of victory over a sexual conquest could.

That doesn’t stop my friends from making jokes (lovingly. I think.) about my “man eater” qualities. “Oh, Lex,” they say, “You’d destroy him.” While that might be true, it’s not because I’ve got an arsenal of tricks and knowledge behind me. It’s because when I want to have sex, I do. I act with sexual purposefulness. Anyone, with the right mindset, can, too.

If we’re being totally honest, there is a lot about sex that freaks me out. I grew up in the late nineties, when teen pregnancy was running rampant and everyone had at least one friend that had experienced “a scare.” This made me cautious, but as a natural-born researcher, it also made me endlessly curious. Vibrators? Nipple clamps? BDSM? If all these sex things existed, they had to be enjoyable to someone. Right? Right?!

Once I became an actual researcher, paid to examine things in a systematic and diagnostic fashion, I began to apply the same rigor to my sexual life. The results were fascinating, but ultimately just gave words to processes I was already putting into practice. Some call it sexual confidence, game, or swag. I call it being sexually purposeful. It’s a largely internal process, so like any good researcher I worked from a question set checking in with my subject (me) at multiple intervals.

What’s up with my body?

Sexual purposefulness begins, exists, and ends with the person living it. FYI: That’s you. It’s important to learn how to distinguish between “I want to have sex” and “I want another person touching my body.” They seem similar, but there is a gulf of intent between them. The more in tune you are with what your body is telling you it wants, the more sexually purposeful you can be. Maybe tonight you just want to make out with someone. You know who should know that? The other party in that makeout sesh. Nothing is more engaging or sexy than clarity.

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Yoga Sex vs Drunk Sex

by Susanna Leein Mind, Sex

Yoga makes sex even more awesome than booze does.  Already, this entire article sounds like a lie.  I mean, when I come out of the gate with such a grand unbelievable statement like that, it surely must set off your smarty-pants alarm.  With all the things alcohol does to help sex, lowering the inhibitions, acting as a social lubricant, allowing the logic center of your brain enough of a stay-cation that you can bend your perception of reality into pretending that the guy from the barstool next to yours, who is currently flailing around behind you like a Muppet, is the ex you still love…it seems a little incredulous to think that there’s anything legal that could possibly do more to benefit your sex life.  I get that. I too was skeptical.  But it’s been proven true, and here’s a few reasons why:

1. Stress kills the libido, and chaos creates stress.

Yoga calms your mind through attention to breathing.  Smooth, even breaths naturally bring tranquility to the brain.  Our drunk minds aren’t calm they’re just not functioning at 100%, giving you less than your normal amount of chaos to handle.  And sure, that sounds great, but think of your mind as a classroom full of kids.  Getting drunk is basically filling them with birthday cake, root beer, and pixie stix, and letting them bounce off the walls.  Now, of course, a few of them are going to puke and have to go to the nurse’s office, leaving you with fewer to deal with, which seems easier to keep control over; but just because there’s fewer of them doesn’t mean they’ll be able to focus on math any better.  Regulated breathing, however, is like teaching those kids manners and discipline, giving them the tools they need to be able to sit at their desks and read quietly.  Now, I’m certainly no teetotaler, there’s nothing wrong with the occasional sugar bomb, but having the baseline of tranquility makes for a way smoother school year.

2. Being fully present makes for greater enjoyment of an experience.

In yoga, we link our breath with our movements, creating a connection between them, keeping us present in what we’re doing, which, with a regular practice, extends into our lives beyond the mat.  Staying present and attentive during sex lets us fully experience what’s going on, notice what feels good and what doesn’t, which brings us a greater awareness of our own sexual desires, needs, and wants.  I won’t speak for you, but when I get drunk, it’s usually with the goal (conscious or subconscious) of disconnecting, taking a break from reality, and on more than one occasion, I’ve tried something new in bed while drunk, and woken up the next day with no recollection of how I felt about it, beyond a sore muscle or aching orifice, which usually makes me only more leery of trying said sexual feat again.

3. On the note of sore muscles, I’ll move into the myriad of physical ways yoga helps sex.

To begin, there’s flexibility and strength.  A regular yoga practice increases that power pair, which helps us be more comfortable in various sexual positions.  For example, a greater range of motion in the hips allows for a wider leg-spread in missionary.  Stronger quads and core lets you enthusiastically stay on top longer.  Downward dog leads to happier doggie-style.  And having more physical stamina in general never hurt anyone (longer rolls in happier hay).  Yoga also improves our circulation, increasing blood flow to the entire body, pink parts included!  Increasing the blood flow enlivens our tissue and nerve endings, making us more sensitive to the tickles, tingles, and other tremendous titillations that come from my personal favorite of our national pastimes.

Yes, being drunk can also increase flexibility, but temporarily, by numbing pain receptors, which explains my sore muscles the next day. The alcohol-related lowered inhibitions led to being careless with preparations, explaining the aching orifices.  I’ve never had more stamina when I’m drunk. And I am only slightly ashamed to admit that I’ve passed out during drunken sex on more than one occasion.

I think that in my attempt to draw comparisons, I may sound really judgmental, so let me clear that up: Since the first time I paired drinking and fucking, I’ve loved drunken sex.  But in a very in-the-moment, life-of-spontaneous-adventure sort of way.  Yoga has just allowed me to have more complete, lasting appreciation of my sexuality.  So I’m not saying we should stop living our beautiful, wild lives, I’m merely encouraging the addition of a bit of balance to the engaging madness that makes us the unique treasures that we are. More mind-blowing orgasms, less face-melting hangovers?  I’ll absolutely drink to that, namaste!

Romantic Gestures, Do They Pair With Sushi?

by Riley Silvermanin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Freshman year of high school, I had a crush on a girl that we’ll call Julie. Julie and I had gotten to talking a lot on a choir class trip and we had flirted a bit, although I was 15 and dorky, so by flirting I really just mean she was willing to talk to me.  But we had this joke, the kind of cute inside joke that had me convinced that Julie and I would definitely be together.  At the time there was this weird rumor that green M&Ms were an aphrodisiac.  I barely understood what that meant, but we had joked together on that choir trip about it and shared our green M&Ms with each other and laughed and laughed.

So, come Valentine’s Day, Julie and I had a date planned, and I wanted to get her something special to give her as a valentine at school.  I bought one of those little plastic M&Ms dispensers, and sat down one evening with about a dozen big bags of M&Ms, spending careful amounts of time picking out each and every green one I could find, and re-filling the dispenser with just them.  Let me make it perfectly clear that I did not think that this would make Julie suddenly go into heat and have sex with me right in the cafeteria.  I knew it was a joke.  I thought she would laugh, that was the goal.  But it turned out she laughed not with me, but at me.  She thought it was totally lame and not long after that she decided she wanted to date my best friend Andy instead of me.

I can’t really say that course of events has every really changed in my life.  While I’ve landed pretty firmly in the cynical camp when it comes to romance now, I was for decades a card-carrying Hopeless Romantic. I was prone to wild, random, quirky romantic gestures that I can say never ended well.  Some of them were relatively minor, driving across town to bring ibuprofen to a woman who was stuck at work with a major headache, only to have her barely muster up a thank you.  Hunting down an ‘80s Transformers lunchbox on eBay for an obsessed fan who dumped me the day before I gave it to her.

My very last romantic act which I thought was fairly simple, somehow became the most complicated and convoluted, and likely expedited the breakup that happened less than a week later.  In August 2012 I was dating Katie. She had started a new, stressful job that was demanding far more of her time than she thought it would.  One of the complaints she often shared with me was that she could never get away from her desk long enough for a real lunch and was living off of granola bars and such.  So I decided one day when she’d seemed extra stressed that it would be a really good day to go online and order her some sushi sent to her office.  I picked out her favorite rolls, I tipped the driver in the purchase, and I left a note for the restaurant explaining what was going on.

Here’s the problem: the restaurant didn’t get the note that I gave to the online ordering company.  They then sent a delivery driver who only spoke Japanese.  I had put her name on the order but my phone number, and hadn’t told her it was coming because it was supposed to be a surprise (Note to anyone reading: surprises are almost always a bad idea.)  This leads to me getting a phone call from the driver saying “Food is here,” with him then not understanding me when I explained, “Oh, it’s not for me, it’s a gift.” He responded with a very unsure “Okay,” and then continued to wait in the lobby of her building assuming that what I had said to him was some variation of “I’ll be right down.” 

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What Is HOT About a Stable Guy

by MONROKin LOVE

PASSION. Definition: strong and barely controllable emotion. Is passion a good thing? How much do we want of it in a relationship?

Often times, women feel like they have to make a choice between the hot and heavy/ tumultuous relationship and the boring/stable one. The real question is, why is passion paired with feelings of anger and jealousy and stability paired with feelings of boredom and dissatisfaction. What is it about the reliable man that unconditionally loves and supports us that makes us want to run the other way?

We don’t want to be in a relationship completely void of passion, so we might have to rewire ourselves. Here are 5 things about stable men that we should feel passionate about.

He has a job.

This might seem a little obvious, but any person who gets up every day and goes to work deserves some respect. He’s not “figuring things out.” His employer counts on him to be there, and he’s there. That means he is a reliable person. THAT IS HOT. When you call, he answers. He’s not “so high he fell asleep.”

He respects your friends.

The stable man is always down for a night out with your friends. He’s not living for himself and his own pleasure. He likes being part of a team. THIS IS HOT. You don’t want the guy who ditches you last minute because “my buddy wants to watch the game.” You want a guy you can MAKE PLANS WITH, who is capable of saying things like “I can’t tonight, maybe another time.”

He listens.

It’s simple. When you talk, he listens. “Huh?” and “sorry babe, what?” is not something that happens often after you have been talking for an extended amount of time. Not listening is a sign of disrespect. It is NOT HOT. It means they are prioritizing whatever they are doing or thinking over you. Unless of course, you are a total chatterbox, in that case it is you that might have a little work to do.Love, relationship. Beautiful couple at home

He keeps his place neat.

His place is tidy; he has furniture. He has a box spring, AND A BED FRAME. THESE ITEMS ARE HOT. Who wants to do it on a mattress on the floor whose sheets haven’t been changed in ages? Having your place together means you have your life together and that you aren’t looking for a mother to manage your life, you are looking for a partner to share your life with.

He doesn’t swear at you.

It is shocking to me how many women will put up with this during an argument. It is absolutely unacceptable to use profanity in any way or call your partner names. This is a sign of a person that is not evolved = NOT HOT. Plus, it sets the tone for your relationship. Once you condone this kind of behavior, it is easy to go downhill from there. The balanced man knows how to express his concerns without going to a dark place. His tone may be firm, but he is not disrespectful.