Vaginal Kung Fu

There were 5 of us in the class, all in short skirts (the least cumbersome attire for what the class entailed).  We were to stand on folded beach towels, and I immediately had a fleeting fear that this was because the weight would somehow be too much, and the towel was there to catch my lady-organs when the jade egg pulled them out.  I shook it off, reassuring myself that because the host of the show was a celebrity’s cousin, a major cable network would never put someone so fame-adjacent in such danger, and since we would all be doing the same thing, I’d be safe too.

The creator of this method and class was a woman who reminded me of Amy Sedaris, and I immediately liked her.  She celebrated her vaginal strength without joking or apologizing.  She explained her theory, that to build strength, there needs to be some weight-bearing activity, not just the tighten/release of regular kegels, which made sense.  She told us a bit about the payoff, toned PC muscles leads to stronger orgasms, and more of them.  We were given our jade eggs, rainbow yarn, a small silk pouch, and instructed to tie one end of the yarn around the handles of the pouch, and the other through a hole in the middle of the egg.  Then came the insertion.  I’d never put an egg inside me, and it felt pretty intrusive, at first.  It wasn’t big, I’d had many partners of greater girth, but it was solid jade, which is a very different feeling than the consistency of a penis or sex toy.  It quickly became more comfortable, and we began adding weight.  To begin, we used small rocks, adding them one-by-one to the silk pouch.  My lifetime of kegels was paying off, I was able to put more rocks in my pouch than most of the other women.  I know it’s not a competition, but if it was, my pussy would’ve been up on the winner’s platform with at least a silver medal (USA! USA!).  Then, we graduated from rocks to larger things, but because of time constraints with the filming, we skipped ahead to the big guns: full, unopened Gatorade bottles.  Not the smallest size, the 32 ounce big boy.  I chose red to match my sweater.  Only myself and the show host were brave enough to give these a go, we tied them on, then gently released them to hang unassisted.  It was definitely hard, holding so much weight in this manner, it made me really respect women who give birth standing up (Princess Diana gave birth to William while standing).

This pose is "look, no hands!", not "who knows?", because that Gatorade bottle between my legs is not sitting on the towel, it is dangling from a string, which is tied to a small jade egg, which is being held inside of me by my superhero-strong internal she-muscles.

This pose is “look, no hands!”, not “who knows?”, because that Gatorade bottle between my legs is not sitting on the towel, it is dangling from a string, which is tied to a small jade egg, which is being held inside of me by my superhero-strong internal she-muscles.

I was really proud of myself, standing there, holding up a heavy bottle without my hands.  I had one of the PA’s take a picture, which I posted all over my social media platforms.  I was a tiny bit apprehensive to do this at first, fearing being laughed at, not with, because there’s a certain taboo involved when women showcase physical strength, and that increases exponentially when you throw in the sexuality factor.  I was pleasantly surprised when it received a hugely supportive response.  I guess I’m fortunate to know a ton of fantastic, progressive people.

We finished taping, and were given the eggs to take with us as gifts (each student gets a brand-new egg, of course).  Mine now sits on my coffee table, it’s a great conversation starter when people visit.  I’m very lucky to have had the opportunity to take this class, and I’d recommend it to anyone who could use a reminder of the power we hold between our legs.

For more info: http://kimanami.com/vaginal-kung-fu/

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Vaginal Kung Fu

About The Author
- Susanna Lee is a standup comic, storyteller, burlesque artist, and yoga teacher. She has performed at numerous festivals, including the Bridgetown Comedy Fest, Chicago Comedy Fest, and was a headlining performer and main emcee for the 2013 New Zealand Burlesque Fest. She lives in Los Angeles with 3 cats and a lot of hope.