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A Pageant Dropout’s Guide to Love

by RJ Newellin LOVE

I’m a Pageant Dropout.

By that, I mean – I competed in an international beauty pageant, and it was a disaster. It felt like the end of the world…but it wasn’t. My mistakes taught me a lot about love. So here’s what I learned the hard way, in the hopes that you don’t have to.

Like any doomed love affair, this one started with the best intentions.

On paper, it looked like just another casting call. I showed up at the gate, expecting to enter a studio and read a few lines. Instead, a maid buzzed me into a fancy mansion. It was filled with fine china, gilded chairs, and giant antique lamps that probably cost more than my college tuition. Before I knew it, I was sitting in front of a glamorous woman. She looked beautiful, rich. Famous. I wanted to know everything about her.

Instead, she wanted to know all about me.

I stumbled through the conversation, heart pounding like a middle school crush.

“You’re so interesting!” the woman said. “I’d love to have you.”

My heart glowed. Never mind that she was putting me in a beauty pageant I knew nothing about…there was an Emmy award on the desk behind her. This must be it.

I had never really liked pageants. In fact, I remember loathing them on a deep level for…pretty much my whole life. But this might be my only chance at a happy ending. Who was I to refuse?

There would be dozens of graceful bikini models competing for the crown. I was a nerdy, awkward comedian from Alaska. I was not pageant material, by any means. The odds were against me. But I would do anything to make the judges love me most.

I spent the next few months changing everything about myself. I changed what I ate, how I dressed, how I did my hair and makeup. I altered the way I spoke, moved, and laughed. I practically killed myself at the gym for 3+ hours a day, and consumed no more than a thousand calories daily. I became unrecognizable.

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This is Why We Believe The Bitter Blogs and Cynical Tweets about Modern Relationships

by RJ Newellin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

What Do You Believe About Modern Relationships?

If you Google ‘Modern Relationships,’ you’ll find a medley of bitter blog posts and cynical tweets about why Millennials fail to commit. Our Facebook feeds are full of reasons why modern love is doomed.It can seem like everyone is happily single (because relationships are a waste of time), unhappily single (because break-ups are the worst), or soon-to-be single (because commitment is boring/stressful/hard). And those of us who are in relationships find ourselves crossing our fingers, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even some so-called experts are declaring a state of emergency for millennial relationships.

We believe them, so they’re right.

We say our generation is too busy, too self-involved, too distracted. Our generation blames technology, our upbringing, our finances, and each other. We swipe right, hook up, hang out, and disappear. But that’s just the world we live in. Right?

Wrong.

We all have a natural tendency to believe what we see. When our social media feeds are full of unhappy people bemoaning relationships, we can’t help but think that happy couples don’t exist. But the truth is, people in strong relationships are just too busy putting work into their partnerships to rave about how awesome they are online. And in today’s culture, avoiding social media can be like wearing an invisibility cloak.

Marriage used to be the only acceptable channel for love, sex and long-term intimacy. Nowadays, there are other options. And that’s great! There have been countless apps made to facilitate, simulate and imitate nearly every aspect of human connection. But with so many ways to diffuse our feelings, it’s easier than ever to see what we want to see, and believe only what makes us comfortable.

So what’s the real reason behind our failure to commit? Hint: It’s not me, it’s you.

Relationships are not any harder today than they were fifty years ago. The only difference between our commitment issues and that of our grandparents is simple: we just have fancy phones, now. Back in the day, a shitty relationship was still shitty, whether divorce was an option or not. Modern couples don’t have new problems; we just spend more time whining about them online.

The truth is, modern technology hasn’t changed your need for connection; it’s simply enhanced it. You, the socially connected-yet-chronically-isolated Millennial, are not too ‘damaged’ for love. You’re just more afraid of it.

It’s an easy problem to ignore; there’s nothing wrong with being single. And it’s great that we’ve accepted single life as an acceptable lifestyle in society. But there are ways to enjoy our options without writing off our need for love. Some of us really can be happy staying single forever – but too many people are simply living in denial of their needs. It’s more convenient to say we’re incapable of commitment, than to face the real issue (ourselves). With so many other big problems to deal with in life, it’s easier to buy into the notion that relationships just ‘suck,’ rather than investing time and energy into their success.

If you continually blame your heartbreak on society, know that your dream guy or girl might be, too. And denying love’s potential just makes you 100% more likely to never make that connection. Dodging relationship obstacles (rather than overcoming them) is the quickest route to failure.

Success in love is just like success anywhere else; it takes work. If you set out to run a marathon, only to quit the second you start feeling uncomfortable [or tired, scared or in pain]… you won’t even get halfway. If your goal is to make a million dollars, but you won’t take risks, bounce back from loss, endure criticism, or spend years in pursuit of that goal…you’ll never be rich. Why should love be any different?

We are fully capable of greatness. Our generation lives for passion, persistence and ingenuity. We are not ‘lazy,’ as trends had once predicted. But now that ‘lazy’ has been replaced with ‘anti-social,’ we have a new label to overcome. Millennials are devoted to making dreams happen. But when it comes to love, we’ve fallen and can’t get up.

Success in a long-term love isn’t harder for Millennials; it’s just not as mandatory. We don’t choose to see committed love as important as wealth, fitness, travel, or other #goals. We’re lonely, and it’s our own damn fault.

Changing your story begins by making a choice. If you want to find (and keep) the love of your life, a shift in perspective needs to happen. Happy relationships are like any other goal: we choose to fail every day that we don’t try.

Eat your vegetables, or don’t. Apply for jobs, or remain unemployed. Exercise daily, or complain that it’s too hard. Either way, success or failure is your decision. You can work hard to get better at love, or you can keep pretending it’s impossible. A mistake doesn’t have to mean ‘game over.’ Pain does not have to be death. You can let failure push you away from your goal, or use what you’ve learned to do better next time.

They say, “Success comes when opportunity meets readiness.” You may have a wealth of opportunity, but none of the readiness. And for right now, that’s okay. Skill and luck in love can only come with practice.

So get out there and practice.

Five Low-Key Hollywood Couples Who REALLY Rock at Love

by RJ Newellin LOVE

Brad and Angelina have called it quits, but love is far from dead. Here are some inspiring Hollywood couples who happily defy the odds (and the tabloids)!

1. Rita Wilson and Tom Hanks

Source: http://bit.ly/2cQ9VYu
Source: Life&Style [http://bit.ly/2cQ9VYu]
Rita Wilson and Tom Hanks share a 28 year marriage. When they met, Hanks had just left his first marriage. He was first married at 21, he has said, for fear of being lonely; but it was not the answer. After Tom’s divorce, meeting Rita was a revelation. “When we first looked at each other there was definitely a kind of ‘Hey, this is the place!’” Tom said in an interview. ”…We got married for all the right reasons.”

In their many years together, Rita and Tom have displayed a mutual, wholehearted acceptance of each other. While the limelight can sometimes be shallow and unforgiving, the Hanks’ unconditional love is stronger than ever.

2. Annette Bening and Warren Beatty

Source: The Daily Mail [http://dailym.ai/2cFRu3X]
Source: The Daily Mail [http://dailym.ai/2cFRu3X]
Here’s a love story to prove the naysayers wrong. Back in the day, Warren Beatty was known as one of the more infamous womanizers in Hollywood history (rumored to have slept with 12,775 women over 40 years). And Annette Bening was an intelligent, no-nonsense actress who had no intention of sleeping with him. After a fateful lunch meeting, Beatty claims he fell in love with her in less than ten minutes. But Bening wanted to just stay friends – and they did, until they finished shooting Bugsy. The two confessed a mutual desire to have children…and one thing led to another. In spite of the seemingly endless echoes of Beatty’s past, as well as warnings from peers expecting the worst, Bening and Beatty remain committed to proving them all wrong. 24 years of marriage later, Beatty and Bening are proof that love conquers all.

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I’m Single and I Officiate Weddings

by Jessica Garrettin LOVE

I have discovered my Perfect Man does this…

To get something out of the way right off the bat, I see it. I see the cliché dripping from my every word, so pointing it out is unnecessary. I see the cliché in recognizing one’s own cliché. I am 33, I am single, I live alone. I do not have a cat, but only because I’m allergic to cats. I schedule my masturbation. I leave toothpaste clumps on the sink. I leave flossers in the bed that poke me when I roll over. I cry at everything. I exercise religiously for two weeks, then give it up entirely for three. I eat in my bed. I think about dying alone. Like, really think about it. Not just conceptually, but actually dying alone. If I hit my head or have an aneurism, who cleans up the mess I leave behind? I didn’t used to believe in marriage, but now I believe it to be the most amazing thing a person can do. You are signing a contract that says, “You have to deal with this mess when I die.” I can’t imagine that.

I eat alone, I shop alone, I travel alone. In the rare instance where I find myself travelling with someone else, I panic. I feel the need to divulge all of my flying quirks in one hurried breath in the security line because I want my companion to have an out should they want one: I have to be chewing gum as the plane takes off. I have to have the window seat, even though I am 100 feet tall. I have to have a book, which I will not read. What I will do is mildly overdose on Dramamine and sleep fitfully for four hours. I will not wake up in a good mood or in my right mind when we reach our destination. And I have to, HAVE TO have a Hershey bar when I fly, which I will not eat. My mother always had one and I’m pretty convinced that they make the plane stay up. If you fly without a Hershey bar and your plane has never crashed it’s because someone else on board has always had one. Think about that.

The men in my life are bountiful. They are kind. They are handsome and flawed and they smell like laundry and they are passionate and wise. They are comedians and actors and teachers and entrepreneurs. They are fathers and brothers and uncles and they hold coats and know my drink order. They build things and write things and are feminists and warm huggers. These of course, are my friends. My boyfriends, my sex partners, my endless causes of scrunched up eyebrows have been many of the aforementioned as well. Just not for me. Or they possessed those qualities exactly and my head was turned elsewhere. Or some outside distraction had their attention, like an ex-fiancée or a new job or a drinking problem.

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When I Saw His Essence

by Belle Benedictin RELATIONSHIPS

I walked home alone. Thirty-five city blocks in high heels. Guess What Happened Next?

“What is it about him that you like so much? “ people ask.  I try listing his good qualities:  humor, kindness, warmth, intelligence. And yet, that isn’t it. They are words I used to describe a feeling that words couldn’t quite capture.

‘I resigned myself to not knowing. “ I can’t really tell you. “ I answer.

He translated a book I used as research for a project. I had written him about collaborating and we agreed to speak on Skype.  The camera on his computer didn’t work, neither did mine; so we just talked. His voice was warm, and embracing. I liked him but thought little of it.

When we found ourselves in the same city, we agreed to meet. The only image I had of him was a photograph. He was sitting in a chair, wearing a fedora, his back to the camera.  Beneath the hat, his hair was long and silver.  He was in town for a conference so I approached a group of men in the lobby thinking one might be he.  They all knew him but not how to find him.

I retreated to a table with a view of the ocean and a glass of wine when I heard his voice, “Ms. Livingston, I presume? ”

I saw his image in the window as he approached. Phew!  I wasn’t attracted to him. Though there was that moment as he walked across the room when a current of electricity shot through me. But it was just an instant and I dismissed it.

We agreed to work together on the project. Trust came easy. Indeed, he frequently remarked just how easy. For months we wrote or spoke daily.

As planned, he came to visit to discuss the project. I found a place for him to stay at a friend’s apartment. We took her to a jazz club as a thank you. “ It was uncomfortable being with the two of you, “ my friend later told me. “You were both so intense. You either loved or hated one another; nothing middling.”

When we left the club, they walked off together. He blew me a kiss.  I envied her.

I walked home alone. Thirty-five city blocks in high heels. A friend from the neighborhood passed me on the street. I smiled.  ‘You look like you’re in love!’ she exclaimed.

I was startled by the observation, unmoored by the feelings. I hadn’t planned on  them and now I couldn’t rein them in. They had a life of their own. And there were consequences. The easy trust, the laughter, the comfortable confidences were freighted in ways they hadn’t been before.  Because now I wanted him.

The details aren’t unique. I yearned to be close to him, he retreated.  He sensed this and drew me back in. “When it’s all there, it’s over,” he told me once.   Funny, I thought, not for me. When it’s all there, it’s just beginning.

I was honest and told him how I felt, thinking the earth might swallow me whole. “You never really know what people are thinking,” was his response.    He dabbled in infatuations with married women, recently divorced women, women in distant climes.

Still, he’d insist, “ I can’t talk to anyone the way I talk to you.” Later he wrote, “There will always be something strong and deep between us.”

I bolted, more than once, determined to protect myself. My past had its demons too. But lessons demand to be learned. And until they are, attention must be paid.

I visited him in the southern city he called home. One summer night, standing by his wooden dining table with its fiery orange bowl full of lemons and mangos, the light  in the room changed without warning. I looked at him sideways even though I was standing close enough to feel the heat from his body.  He was talking, earnestly engaged in something that didn’t involve me. He was perspiring a bit. His hair, what remained of it, was still long and silver. His nose was sharp and surprisingly small for his face.

Suddenly, his features began to dissolve. Shapes, once distinctive, lost form and density.  The light in the room shifted again, softening. I had noticed earlier that his arms weren’t as muscular as when we met. The light in his eyes, not as bright.  All of it blurred until there were no distinguishing features at all.

A man past 60 without the rewards that by right were his due by dint of intelligence and charm, talent and will.  A complex man, confused by life and possibly lost but still curious. Still vibrating with vitality and sensuality.

The sharp edge of his nose, the contours of his belly, the arms no longer firm, the hair no longer thick and lustrous; the image of who he was – male, broad, strong—was gone. In its place was something else. Something other.

Luminous and without form, I had seen his essence.

I knew then that I loved him.  Pure. Direct. Unmediated by the facts of his life or mine. By history, failures, successes, unrealized desires. Free of expectation or the need for validation.

So, this is love, I thought. As if I arrived at a destination I hadn’t anticipated but found beautiful.  No pounding hormones or adrenalized yearning. Just one human heart beating uncritical witness to another. It didn’t matter how much he earned or what he wore.  Whether he was tall or thin or without self doubt.

He never invited me to love him.  And he may never love me in return.  It doesn’t matter.

What’s invisible is truer than what the eye can see. I had always known this but misplaced it somewhere in my personal annals of loss and disappointment.  How nice to be reminded.

Lesson learned.

You Want a Relationship: How to Avoid Those Who Don’t

by Virginia Jonesin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Does your partner flip on you, very affectionate one day and cold the next?

Your friend gets engaged. Another friend gets engaged. Two friends move in together. Another friend is on vacation with a guy she met three months ago.

You check your phone.

You don’t have a response back from a text you sent last night.

What’s going on? Why does your boyfriend keep saying he’s busy and that you expect too much? Well, he’s not your boyfriend officially, but you’ve been dating for a couple of months, so at some point he’ll be your boyfriend, right?

Congratulations! You’re dating an attachment avoidant!

Does this sound like your partner?
“My partner always seems to be comparing me unfavorably to some past, or ideal future partner”
“My partner flips on me, very affectionate one day and cold the next.”
“My partner seems to find it difficult to emotionally connect with or support me.”
“My partner gets uncomfortable when I get too close.”

Conversations with an avoidant:

A: “I’m surprised that you’re angry that I was seeing (other friend), I thought you knew I was seeing other people.”
B: “Of course I knew you were seeing other people, you kept giving me your address and asking how my weekend was over and over and re-introducing me to your cat, and sending non sequitur texts that you were also sending to other people, and going offline for long periods of time. What is it that you want?”

A: “Oh, I don’t like to stay in anything too long if it’s not working.”
B: “It seems like you planned for failure- I didn’t hear from you much, and we weren’t really building on any kind of intimacy, because you didn’t want it. Romantic attachment is not something that just happens to you, like winning a lottery or being hit by a bus. It’s something two compatible people who like each other build. If you’re just running through women looking for the ‘right’ one who will make you have emotions, that’s not going to work.”

It sometimes feels like everyone on the dating scene is an attachment avoidant. That’s just because avoidants are busy meeting new people, like Alice’s White Rabbit, they’re always late for another date! Although it’s hard to believe, they only represent 25% of the general population.
50% of adults have a “secure” dating style, they’re people with healthy boundaries who aren’t afraid to connect with the right person, and who are actively looking for that connection. 25% are “anxious”, people who are obsessed with connection and overly concerned about their partner’s love and fidelity, and 25% are “avoidants”, who are always looking to meet but never to connect.
It can feel like everyone on the internet is an Avoidant because:

Secure people tend to enter into healthy, balanced relationships, and they tend to stay in them for long periods of time. If you meet one, it’s because they’ve left a long relationship, not because they just “have been dating around” for a decade.

Avoidants tend to bounce out of relationships pretty quickly, and they don’t date other avoidants, because if two people are avoiding returning a text, that fizzles out pretty quickly.
Avoidants see most people as “crazy” or “anxious” or “clinger stage 5” because they see healthy interest in another person as something to be avoided.

What do I do to stop dating attachment avoidants?

First thing– let go of the idea that it is naïve or old-fashioned to want a relationship. Relationships make us live longer, happier, more fulfilled lives.

Second thing– They say that the only way to find a prince is to kiss a million frogs. Your path to meeting someone who actually wants to get to know you and have a relationship is through filtering avoidant partners. Call ‘em f*ckbois, call ‘em ghosters, call ‘em whatever you want, but stop calling ‘em:

If you meet someone who says “All my exes are crazy.”

Or “You want to know if we’re dating? I really don’t like labels.”
Or “I need a lot of space.”
Or “Work’s so busy, I don’t have time for anything serious.”
Or “Women are always trying to trap guys into relationships.”
Or “I’m not ready to commit” (even after dating for months or years)

Just stop interacting with them. You don’t owe them anything. Keep meeting new people. When you meet someone you like who’s clear about wanting to see you again, who makes plans and keeps them, who listens to you and shares intimate details with you, think about continuing to see that person.

I was talking with a friend, and she told me a story about “my boyfriend, but he isn’t really my boyfriend, he’s just a guy I’m sleeping with, you know. I mean, who has a boyfriend anymore?”

I told her that I had one.

She asked, “How did you do that?” She thought maybe I had some grandfather clause or a deal with the devil.

I told her, “I have a new rule I’m following, and it’s simple: I don’t have sex with people who don’t want to be with me.”

She stared at me wide-eyed.

I continued: “I know it sounds weird and unachievable, but it isn’t. I met someone who was secure and who cared about me, and who wanted to be in a relationship. Before that, I made out with a couple people, and kissed lots of people, but I didn’t have sex with anyone until I met someone who really wanted to be with me. I’m not missing anything but a series of disappointing partners, feelings of rejection, and being made to feel unreasonable for wanting something more.”

It’s totally OK to date casually, but it’s also OK to want something more. Don’t listen to people who tell you differently. Date to find the people worth keeping, and move on from partners who don’t want the same thing that you do!

Based on quotes from Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

Play Together, Stay Together

by RJ Newellin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

gettyWhen kids get bored, they can easily get into trouble. That’s why “go outside and play” is one of the more common phrases parents use. For kids, play is an opportunity to get centered, learn new things, and have fun in a constructive way. But for adults, the word “play” has come to mean something entirely different.

“I don’t play games,” says the woman trying to appear drama-free. 

“I’m not a player,” says the man who wants to earn her trust. 

“Play” for grown-ups sounds like the opposite of fun. But what if I told you that play can actually save your relationship? What if “acting like a child” made your grown-up problems easier to cope with?

Playing together might be the most mature decision you’ve make all day!

Too often, long-term couples smother themselves (and each other) by falling into boring routines. We work, we go home, eat dinner and watch the news, go to sleep, repeat. There’s simply no time for anything else. So we worry we aren’t having sex enough, or talking about our feelings enough. We talk ourselves out of intimacy, and it’s exhausting.

pl

My favorite antidote for worry is play. Once play becomes a priority, sex and conversation might actually come easier. We all want less frustration and more intimacy. We’d all be happier with fewer wasted moments and more time together. You don’t have to wait for vacation. You can play where you are, right now.

Play is easy, it’s quick, and it’s free. There are a million ways to do it.

When you wake up in the morning, take 5 minutes for a cuddle party. Laugh at your puffy faces and messy hair. Race each other to the bathroom, and have a toothbrush karaoke party. Just be ridiculous. You might feel stupid at first, but that’s what play is: being goofy together, on purpose.

A serious relationship doesn’t actually have to be “serious” 24/7. Happiness doesn’t always appear on its own, so we play to manifest joy.

Challenge each other to do celebrity impressions in the shower. Try making something weird for breakfast. Do ten minutes of Kundalini yoga together – if you don’t know what that is, find a video on Youtube. Those breathing exercises can be pretty hilarious.

Embrace your childlike sense of humor. We may all be adults here, but none of us have to be old.

In the evening, make dinner together and pretend you’re on a cooking show. While you’re eating, ask each other to share embarrassing stories. And if you must watch something, make a game of that, too. My husband and I sometimes take turns picking Youtube videos, and it’s actually super fun! Any cool music you’ve heard, lately? How about the latest viral cat videos? Share the things that make you feel young, goofy, and alive together.

A silly game we like to play is something I call Mystery Records. You know those bins of $1 old records in thrift shops? I like to pick a few artists I’ve never heard of (cheesy matching sweaters on the album cover are definitely a plus), and then play them at home. This makes for some really random dance parties in our living room.

Feel free to create your own silly games. Maybe you could try inventing bizarre recipes using only what you have in your kitchen. Or you could assemble some ugly, dorky outfits and recreate some ‘awkward family photos’ in your dining room. Being weird together is infinitely more fun than being bored or stressed together.

Play doesn’t always require energy. Don’t feel pressure to be ‘fun’ all the time. Sometimes, we’re tired – and that’s okay.

At night, try putting your phones down and talk about things that make you happy. If you’re feeling passionate about a new project, say so! If your partner is doing a great job at work, congratulate them. Share the dumbest jokes you’ve heard all week. Talk yourselves to sleep about the things that make you smile.

Today, if you find yourselves talking in circles about whatever’s bothering you, take a pause for play. This doesn’t mean ignoring your problems; it’s just making them easier to approach later. There are a multitude of possibilities for play in the time you spend together. Trying just one of these things can lead you to even more ideas for creating joy.

When kids get bored or frustrated, we tell them to go play. Deep down, you’re just two kids in love, aren’t you? So go outside, get out of your heads, and play.

6 Steps to Create a Breakthrough in Your Love Life

by Jo Millerin LOVE

I’ve been helping a dear client through the unraveling of her eleven-year marriage, which is giving me pause to reflect back on the gold of my illuminations surrounding relationship breakups. Six years ago, I was facing the disillusionment of my own marriage, and struggling with a “why me?” belief that life was happening to me. But as the fog of fear slowly began to lift, I caught a glimpse of a gift that would heal my heart and change the relationship I had with Love forever. There is nothing quite like adversity for discovering who we really are at our core. Whilst I had zero control over the behavior, actions and choices of others, I clung to the realization that I had full control over my own, and in that illuminating moment, I realized that life was actually happening for me. What follows is a self-compassion guide of what I learned when I chose Love over fear.

Acknowledge the hurt you feel is very real. There’s a certain brand of pain reserved specifically for the ending of a romantic relationship or marriage and it’s often a bitter tasting cocktail of disappointment, anger, resentment and just plain suckery. So often, we’ll do anything to avoid the taste, but these shadow emotions are just as important for us to feel as the brightness of joy, peace and love. They’re all essential parts of living the whole human experience. Glossing over this critical step not only sets you up for the likelihood of a rinse, repeat heartbreak, it denies you access to the illumination you’ll need for empowering different choices required by your future self.

Take a morning, a weekend or a “Get me outta here” reprieve to sit with the suckery and acknowledge the heft of the blow. Write, rant, cry it out. The pain needs to release. Setting it up and allowing it to do its job doesn’t have to feel like you’re rubbing salt on the wound, its simply a self-honoring act of kindness you can give to yourself.

Be Kind. It’s hard when everything hurts. Lashing out, talking trash, blaming, dissing, judging, and attacking may feel justified and downright entitled, but ultimately we’re adding suffering to the pain, and more pain will surely ensue. I’m a big fan of self -compassion; I like how it softens my edges and the edges of those around me. It sets the bar of what to expect of myself and offers an invitation for others to follow suit. If you have kids, be mindful of their own pain and the fact that they see and feel everything. Our words, and our behavior are the lessons we’re learning and teaching. Kindness takes crappiness to higher ground.

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5 Wedding Traditions That Need to Go

by MONROKin LOVE

This one needs to go right now. Guess which one?

It’s wedding season. The time of year where the most common question asked is “What’s your address?” Sifting through countless invitations, those in our mid twenties to mid thirties must decide which weddings we are going to go into debt for this year. Weddings can be a lot of fun, and are a great place to meet people, however here are 5 wedding traditions that need to go:

Speeches That Need to Go

“Hi, I’m Tiara, and I met Heidi when we were pledging Tri Delt — and here’s a completely irrelevant story that no one can relate to but us.”

NO ONE CARES

I am a firm believer that you should only get up to make a speech if you are a public speaker, host, or entertainer. Otherwise, you most likely have no idea how to give a speech. It is a skillset. Listening to 5 or 6 people in the field of anywhere from personal training to accounting prattle on about how they know the bride and groom is a total drag. Let’s keep it short. Make a toast, and let’s get on with it.

Bridesmaid Dresses That Need to Go

They are expensive. They are most likely hideous, and you never wear them again. Also, they are uniform. What if I have armpit fat and a tube top style dress doesn’t really work for my body type? Why are we putting those closest and dearest to us through this emotional turmoil? How about a color scheme? i.e. all my bridesmaids please wear a version of ____ color. Look how lovely that looks:

bridesmaids

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Sisters Talk D*ck Pics from a Marriage & Family Therapist and Comedian POV

by Virginia Jonesin Sex

What would you recommend to indicate interest, other than sending a crotch shot?

Laura Ryan is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a practice in Austin, Texas.

Virginia Jones is a comedian and writer in Los Angeles with no formal licensing that she can recall.

We are sisters, and we are talking about d*ck pics.

1) What entices a man to send a woman an unsolicited ‘crotch shot?’

Laura: I see this as a similar line of thinking as your uncle giving you a Neil Diamond’s Greatest Hits CD for your birthday.  That’s what he likes, so he assumes that you will like it too.  I believe that men would LOVE it if women would take photos of their genitals and send them out.  Men are visually stimulated and perhaps believe that women are stimulated this way, too.

Virginia:  I can see the logic, but I assure you- we don’t like you for your d*ck.  If we like you, we like your d*ck.  If we aren’t interested in you, I don’t think your d*ck is gonna turn the tide.  On their own- they’re just not that photogenic.   I’ve never gotten a pic and thought “You know, I’ve gotta give this guy another shot!”  Each of them is unique, but there’s not as huge a variation as you’d think.  Almost all of them are fine.

2) Psychologically speaking, what about an anonymous environment provokes men to engage in risky behaviors?

Laura: I think it is exciting to feel like I can send out a d*ck pic and a woman will be sexually aroused.  I think that maybe the ideas about women that are perpetuated by the pornography industry feed into this belief that all women would enjoy this kind of attention.

Virginia: It’s interesting to think about people like Anthony Weiner, who has literally lost everything- his career, his marriage- to his impulse to send pictures of his weiner to different people.   For his sake, I hope it’s a really great weiner!

Laura: It sure must be!

3) Do you think there is a misinterpretation when it comes to women’s sexual interest?

Laura: There is definitely a misinterpretation of women’s sexual interests in our society. The pornography industry caters to men’s interests and a man’s perspective. I believe that online pornography is the main education that young men are receiving about sexuality today.  In this format, women are ready to have sex at any time, require very little emotional engagement, are visually stimulated and don’t expect or need anything more than the briefest of foreplay before engaging in penetration.

Virginia: But in porn’s defense, the women are usually paying for a pizza, and then they get to have pizza.  And d*ck.

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Absolutely Beautiful Spilt Milk…the Hardest I’ve Ever Acted in a Relationship

by Lisa Lauretain LOVE

“I couldn’t believe it was you ‘cause it’s so unlike you!”

I guess that’s why they call it acting.

I’ve been performing since I could walk. Once I could talk, I was taking acting classes. I was always the goof and liked to do weird scenes where I could play an animal or a hunchback. My heroes were people like Jim Carey, the men of Monty Python, and by fifth grade, Conan O’Brien. Once I discovered that he had written for my favorite show of all times, The Simpsons, well, let’s just say the seemingly giant red headed goofball had my heart.

So when I was cast to be the expectant mother in a scene where Mr. O’Brien was to pour milk down the drain behind me, let’s just say I was elated. But I was also in for the biggest acting challenge of my life. From an attention whore of a performance artist to failed male comedians, I’ve played a lot of different roles in my life. But up until this point, I had never played someone quite so…”normal.”

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Cuddle Therapy is Most Desired By…

by Rachel Meghanin RELATIONSHIPS, Sex

We all crave some sort of physical attention. But is it possible to get this without having sex?

Personally, I’ve always desired sensual relationships more than sexual. This could be because of my asexual orientation, or simply because I’m a particularly sensitive person. I never really fantasized about sex. I’ve had sex plenty of times, sure, but it was never my preferred method of intimacy. Because of this, I don’t particularly desire anything beyond close friendships. It’s perfectly possible to have an intimate emotional relationship to someone that isn’t a significant other without it leading to sex.

Preferring Sensual Over Sexual

It takes a very rare bond to engage in sensual acts with a friend. An unnameable kind of connection that requires a very specific type of validation. In my case, I tend to crave physical touch from my friends. Instead of getting drunk and having sex with a stranger, I would get drunk and hug my friends a lot. Especially men, because of how myself and plenty of other women have been conditioned to seek male validation in every form.

I remember being with my ex-boyfriend and trying to get him to be sensual with me. He was a very aggressively sexual person, so it always had to turn into some sort of sex act. He wouldn’t be able to cuddle for too long before we ended up with our clothes off. I would try to lay my head in his lap get him to play with my hair, but he just didn’t get it. At the end of the day, I realized I wanted more of a platonic relationship with him and other men I dated, leading to my identification as asexual.

Types of Asexuality

There is a wide spectrum of asexuality, and can range from:

  • Having no desire for sex
  • Sexual attraction to someone only if you have a specific emotional connection
  • Aromantic seek physical non-sexual touch while maintaining romantic attraction
  • Desire for Cuddling and deep emotional conversations, but never a desire to kiss

The existence of sexual acts do not define a relationship, as it’s perfectly possible to have a healthy romantic connection without them.

Cuddling Therapy

There is a market for people who seek intimacy with a stranger. There are also professionals out there who make a living by cuddling people.

A website called cuddlist.com advertises “therapeutic, non-sexual cuddle session(s) with a certified professional cuddler”. However, booking a cuddler for $80 an hour might not be as effective as cuddling with someone you love, platonic or not. Platonic intimacy is still grounded in a personal attachment, so to some professional cuddling does not hold the same kind of significance.

The fact that the cuddling website specifies that it is “non-sexual” is a crucial point. In a way, this kind of service almost becomes a type of platonic prostitution, in a sense. While it may not hold the same significance as cuddling with a friend or significant other, it does demonstrate an alternative for a solution to emotional and physical desire, specifically for those who don’t necessarily seek out sex.

Crushes

Could platonic intimacy lead to something more? Sure. In my experience, romantic crushes can easily develop without any sort of sexual connotation as a result of this kind of intimacy. I’ve always been the type to meet someone and become their friend before becoming romantically attracted to them, as the idea of dating someone for the purpose of getting into a relationship scares me. My desire for the person grows, wanting them close to me physically without even realizing that I’m developing a crush on them. It’s hard to explain how such a thing happens, and as an asexual person it can be hard to distinguish a crush from a desire to love in a platonic way.

Kissing Just to Kiss

In the case of more sexually driven people, however, it can be very common for platonic cuddling to turn into something more. Many people are able to jump from nonsexual intimacy to sex very quickly. I remember trying to explain to someone that I desired to make out with a guy I knew, to which that person replied that maybe I scared him off by wanting to sleep with him. I realized that the mindset that many sexual people have is that kissing leads directly to sex, and in many cases it’s true, but the idea of not going beyond first base is much more desireable to others.

So is it possible to cuddle with a friend or loved one and not have it turn to sex? Absolutely. It honestly depends on the level of the person’s sex drive, and how they identify themselves. For many people including myself, it’s the primary way of demonstrating affection, and can lead to a very special strong emotional bond.

The act of kissing or cuddling with a close friend can be more than enough for some.

My Boyfriend Didn’t Believe I Had an STI

by Rachel Meghanin Sex

I got the call from my gynecologist while in a van with four of my friends.

I was sitting in the front seat when I got a call from an unknown number. Obviously I don’t usually pick up when there isn’t a caller ID, but for some reason that was the day I decided to do so. I picked up the phone to hear my gyno’s voice.

“I just wanted to let you know that the results of your Pap smear are in. You’ve tested positive for HPV.” He didn’t sugar coat it.

Hanging up the phone in shock, my friends started to ask me what was wrong. I’m really bad at hiding my feelings, so I told them. They encouraged me to call my ex-boyfriend and let him know. So when we pulled over for gas, I got out of the car and called him.

This was not a good time in my life for me. My ex was extremely abusive to the point where I had a breakdown and temporarily moved across the country to get away from him. But even then, he was still torturing me from a distance. He would call me and tell me how much he missed me, but would insert backhanded compliments and straight digs about me at a time where I was extremely vulnerable. I was only 20 then, and he was my first love, so I had no idea how to fully rid myself of him.

He picked up the phone, surprised to hear from me in the middle of the day. His voice was sweet, but I knew it was just a disguise for how menacing he could truly be. I timidly told him the news.

“So my gyno called.”

“…..and?”

“And….he said I tested positive for HPV.”

My ex was silent on the other line for a moment. I didn’t know what he would say. I was hoping for some sort of support. Instead, I got questioned.

“Are you sure you got it from me?”

“Yes. You’re the only person I’ve had sex with in the past year.”

“What about the guy you lost your virginity to?”

The guy I lost my virginity to was someone I had sex with when I was 18 to get my first time “out of the way”. He was also a virgin at the time, and ended up coming out of the closet two months later. I got tested immediately after having sex with him, and everything was completely healthy. So there’s no way it could have been him.

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That Tape! and My Triggered Flood of Shame Memories Starting At Age 6

by Amy Albertin LOVE

I felt the over bearing weight of shame that I did not deserve or provoke….Have you ever felt that?

Shame doesn’t really care who’s taking it on, even if it’s not deserved.

When I was asked to write about the Donald Trump media leak of him bragging about sexually assaulting women, I thought it wouldn’t’ be hard to conjure up some opinions on the subject. I am, after all, a woman who has a vagina that could possibly be up for grabs by him, so yes please, I’d like to tell you what I think. However, as I sat down to write about it, my thoughts became all jumbled and messy, and I would begin draft after draft only to erase the whole thing and start over. Why was I having so much trouble writing an objective piece on hearing a man who is running for President of the United States talk so openly about grabbing and kissing women?

I took a long time to sort out my thoughts, and when I finally did, what I discovered was an ocean of bad memories of my own sexual assaults, with the first being when I was six years old. I pushed these memories out of my mind, covered them up with other happier memories, like my wedding day and the birth of my daughter. But now, here they were. All dusty and dirty, occupying space in my mind. So now I guess I have to deal with these feelings. Fuck.

The first memory from when I was a little girl happened around my home by a kid I knew. He didn’t rape me, or molest me, but he did expose his penis to me and grabbed my hand to make me touch it. He was 13.

While I don’t remember many details of what lead up to that event, I do remember the feeling that came over me that I later recognized as shame. For the first time at six years old, I felt the over bearing weight of shame that I did not deserve or provoke. It was thrust upon me and in a span of no more than 10 seconds; this feeling became a part of me, and reared its ugly head a lot over the years.

I felt shame again when I was 10 and a brother of a kid in my school chased me and grabbed my chest really hard, then ran away laughing, and again when I was 19 and a guy in my group of friends pulled down my top to expose my breasts then jammed his hand down my pants, and again when I was in my 20’s and the manager of a fine dining restaurant I worked at for a few years harassed me, sexualized and bullied me so much I started to feel nauseous on the way to work.

When I sit down and define what the feeling of shame actually is for me, it’s a combination of fear that I will somehow be in trouble if I report it or don’t go along with it, that no one will believe me anyway, and that it will automatically be assumed that I did something to provoke this unwanted behavior.

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Two Years Later My Tinder Date Finally Paid Off!

by Lisa Lauretain LOVE

“I’m in finance.”

Oh, great, that’s a decent response to the ever common, “so, what do you do for work?” dating question. I was especially relieved at this response considering the fact that on my Tinder profile I specified, “no comics.” I had just broken up with a comic, the third of which I had dated, and I was, as they say, “over it.”

There’s a certain unmatched immaturity and weird competitiveness that comes from these special little beings, particularly when they’re paired up with a female comic such as myself. Now, don’t get me wrong, not all comics are assholes. But a great many of them are, and when they’re not, they’re often quite immature, or very sexist, or extremely egotistical, or unbearably cynical and insensitive, or terrible with their finances and in incredible amounts of debt, or just overall difficult to have any real conversations or sweet moments with. But again, they’re not all like that. Just the ones I’ve dated. And met. And heard about.

But it wasn’t just comics I was trying to avoid. I wanted someone far away from the entertainment industry as a whole, which can often be a challenge when dating in a place like Los Angeles, but here we were. Finance. Lucky me!

We were both really excited to meet, but I was working a day job in addition to an internship at a comedy theater in exchange for free classes. My schedule was slightly hectic and he and I lived a “far” distance from each other. (I was in the valley and he was in Hollywood, which in any other part of the country would be close, but in LA we might as well have been in different states) These circumstances meant that it would take awhile for us to set something up.

As time went by, he was seemingly more frustrated with the wait. His impatience was becoming quite clear, but he was cute and I was still serial dating at the time. We had sexted a couple of times and he seemed like he might be fun in that area of life. My policy at that point was to say yes to a date with anyone and everyone because at the very least I’d have a great story. So when someone got an attitude with me, I didn’t really care. I wasn’t looking for “Mr. or Ms. Right” at the time. I was looking for someone to have wild sex with, or at the very least give me something entertainingly bad to talk about later.

Eventually after a bit of whining and attitude, he told me he might be able to meet me during his lunch hour on a Monday. He worked from home but could pull himself away at around 1 if that was okay with me. Best part about it up until this point was the meeting place he chose: Target. There’s a Target in Hollywood with outdoor seating, in a sort of strip mall-type atmosphere. So that’s where we met. Not for lunch, just to meet. It was clear by this point that he wasn’t even intrigued enough to pay for a meal, or even go halfsies. Despite my policy of saying yes to everyone, I hadn’t had a super douchey date yet. Up until this point, that is.

I couldn’t really figure it out. He would sip on his green can of Monster energy drink while telling me things like, “you’d probably be a pretty good cam girl. You could make like…15 bucks an hour I bet.” He talked about his ex girlfriend a little more than most would consider to be polite on a first date. We also talked about my comedy a little bit. I told him I just received an email about the Last Comic Standing audition at the Hollywood Improv. I showed him the email because I was excited, and he said, “Oh, so, it’s probably like an open mic or something.” I explained that, no, this was an invite-only type of situation, to which he replied, “But probably a lot of people get invited, like thousands I’m sure, right? ‘Cause they have to have bad people to film at those things.”

I didn’t get it. Why was this guy being such a jerk, and why was he acting like every comic I’d ever dated? Was I wrong in thinking that the competitive asshole element would be removed if I dated someone outside of my chosen career path? Why was this guy starting to turn into the green monster that he drank before very my eyes?

I left the “date” feeling strange and almost defeated. What was it all for? I wasn’t even left with a good story. It was just…icky. I put it out of my brain for the most part but every now and then I would think about how odd it all was. About four months ago I deleted our message thread, which I had forgotten even existed, during a phone cleanse.

A few weeks ago I asked a neighbor if she had any good dog watchers/walkers that she could recommend. I was preparing for a trip and wanted to get a good person at a decent price so I was asking around. She texted me the contact numbers of three people and said they were all great. I went to contact the third one and realized…he was already in my phone! IT WAS HIM!!! The asshole “finance” guy was a dog walker?! No WAY!? I texted my neighbor to tell her and here’s how the conversation went:

Me: One of your dog walkers is a guy I went on a TERRIBLE tinder date with! I went to message him and he was already in my phone! Eep!

Neighbor: Wait whaaaaaaat!!! (Dog Walker’s Name)??? Lololol

Me: It’s funny too cause I saw him walking (Dog’s Name) once and was like, that looks like that (Dog Walker) guy, nah, no way, he said he was like a big shot finance guy. Can’t be (Dog Walker).

Neighbor: What?? Rly??? He is like an unemployed comedian.

Boom. And there you have it. The explanation. And a justification. It suddenly all made sense! The way he always came back with a snarky remark when I texted, “Tonight won’t work, I have a show.” The way he acted when I told him about my audition, and the way he acted in general. Everything finally added up! He was just another in a long line of asshole comics.

So the date wasn’t completely pointless. I guess I did get a pretty decent story out of it after all.