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Category: RELATIONSHIPS

China Opens Up to Families This Year

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

The new two-child policy, approved by the national legislature in December, allows couples to have two children from January 1.

Couples in China are now allowed to have two children as the new family planning law came into effect from Friday.

Couples in China are now allowed to have two children as the new family planning law came into effect from Friday, ending the world’s most populous country’s controversial one-child policy amid concerns over an ageing population and shrinking workforce.

The new two-child policy, which was announced by the ruling Communist Party in October and approved by the national legislature in late December, allows couples to have two children from January 1.

“It is worth noting how people’s lives will be affected,” state-run Xinhua news agency said in its report.

The one-child policy, which was implemented from 1978 and restricted most couples to only a single child through a system of fines for violators and even forced abortions, was credited to have prevented over 400 million births restricting the population to over 1.357 billion as per census held in 2013.

The three-decade-old policy was changed as demographic crisis deepened with sharp rise in population of old-age people and shrinking workforce in the world’s second largest economy.

According to latest figures, the number of people aged 60 or over in China has reached 212 million at the end of 2014, accounting for 15.5 per cent of the country’s population, with the number of disabled elderly people approaching 40 million.

The United Nations has predicted that people over age 65 will account for 18 per cent of China’s population by 2030, double the number in 2011 which will have a negative bearing on China’s labour availability.

By 2050, China is expected to have nearly 500 million people over 60, exceeding the population of the US.

However, recent official surveys said that despite massive publicity to the lifting of the one-child policy, the two children rule has evoked less enthusiasm among 100 million couples who are eligible to have second child as they are not keen due to heavy costs involved in bringing up another baby.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Why I Swipe Right for Divorced

by Lisa Lauretain RELATIONSHIPS

Divorcées may not all know exactly what they want, but they have a much better idea of what they don’t want.

“Never married,” two of my least favorite words, whether they’re apart or together. And yet, they can be found at the top of probably over half of the profiles I come across when I’m online dating. Why is “never married” such a selling point? Am I supposed to take this statement to mean you’re unscathed, that you have no baggage? Well, I’m not buying it, and for me, it’s less a selling point and more a reason for me to swipe left.

The first thing I did after getting out of my three year monogamous relationship was hop on all the dating sites and apps, making myself a bunch of clever, witty profiles with WAY more written words than any interested party would ever desire to read. And it worked! I went on date after date. It became my new favorite hobby. I started telling people I was a professional dater. Men, women, couples, and everyone in between, I was dating them all and having a blast! I think the only reason I was able to have so much fun going on terrible date after terrible date was because I wasn’t looking for love or anything remotely resembling it. This is also the reason I considered everyone as an option, even those with “divorced” in their profiles. Since beginning this open-policy dating journey, I’ve found one common thread that surprised even me: the only single people I really enjoy in the dating world have gone through a divorce.

I realize that this sounds at the very least a bit strange, and to some completely off the mark. The way most see it, a divorced person who is dating is trying to jump into something that they failed so miserably at that courts had to get involved. This is true, but here’s the kicker, everyone who is good at anything has failed at it. Think about it, athletes practice endlessly for years and years before becoming professionals. A stand up comedian has to bomb a joke to realize how to rewrite it into something people laugh at. And how many times do babies fall on their faces before taking more than two steps in a row? A lot, and if you don’t trust me on that one, there’s plenty of evidence on Youtube. My point is practice makes perfect. And a divorced person is basically ready for Carnegie Hall.

I’m honestly more excited to hear someone has divorced than I am to hear someone has gotten married. This isn’t because of some sick fetish of enjoying people’s pain, although those baby falling vids can be hilarious. It’s because I know that someone who’s divorced has typically learned a lot about who they are and who they want to be. Divorcées are not only people who are intelligent enough to recognize that something needed to end, but were also brave enough to have let, or even make, that end happen. But there are more aspects to a divorcées personality besides bravery and intelligence that make them ideal candidates.

The recently divorced typically have more insight and better communication skills. This is because many who have called it quits went through counseling before doing so. Believe it or not, even when counseling doesn’t help the current relationship, it can really help future ones. Therapy can teach a lot about how someone is communicating, or not communicating. By seeing a relationship through someone else’s eyes, a person can realize they have needs that aren’t being met, and can also discover that their partner has needs they haven’t been meeting. What’s more, a lot of people discover that this is why they’re arguing, rather than leaving their nail clippings on the floor. Counseling can provide clues into how to be better in the future, whether it’s with their current partner or future ones.

Divorcées may not all know exactly what they want, but they have a much better idea of what they don’t want. I’ve dated a lot of people who were on a seemingly endless path to nowhere, perhaps because in the past I’ve dated a lot of comics. But there are a lot of people out there, besides comics, who have no idea what they truly desire out of a partner, a career, or even life. Divorced people don’t necessarily all have a clear answer when asked what they want, but they know at least one thing that didn’t work for them in the past, and many recognize how to avoid this in the future. This means that if they’re dating you, it’s probably because you do things differently than their ex (unless, of course, they’re a masochist who loves repeating negative patterns).

There’s also a maturity that comes from someone who was once legally bound to another. Chances are they shared finances, maybe even purchased a home with someone else. No matter how entwined their assets became, they’ve at the very least had some experience with “what’s mine is yours.” This is a huge step up from the eternally single dudes and gals I was used to dating, the type who haven’t committed to anything more than how much ketchup to put on a burger.

And finally, divorce can be quite humbling. There’s a certain cockiness to the single person that a divorced person often loses along the way. They know they’re imperfect. In fact, many of them have had these imperfections pointed out a bit too much so go easy on ‘em, huh? Even those who honestly believe their relationship failed solely because of the other person involved still know it failed, and live with the knowledge that even they couldn’t save it.

So I suggest the next time you see “divorced” in a profile, you give them a chance. And if you’re divorced, be proud that you made a choice that you’re probably happier and healthier for! Wear it like a badge of honor, because there are people out there, including myself, who will always pass up the “never married” for the more seasoned divorcées.

Communication and the Science of How We Bond

by zfortadminin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

My mentor Professor Garth Fletcher has a new book out, co-written with three of the other smartest minds in relationships research. It’s called The Science of Intimate Relationships, and is an essential read for budding relationships experts.

As a preview of what’s in the book, I sat down with Garth to ask him six big questions about relationships science.

Alice: How big a deal is good communication in relationships?

Professor Fletcher: A very big deal indeed. That said, unpacking the nature of “good” communication is a major scientific challenge. What do you do, for example, if your partner, yet again, treats the floor as a closet or fails to pick up the bath mat. One popular model – the honest communication model – suggests that you should openly express your negative feelings, otherwise the problem will continue to simmer and corrode the relationship. Conversely, the equally popular good management model posits that regularly expressing your negative feelings and thoughts has corrosive effects on the relationship and you should perhaps stifle your negative feelings and learn to live with the problem, or drop some diplomatic hints.

After a lot of research, the general answer emerging – too messy and complex to sell many self-help books – is that the worst thing to do is to adopt one approach as an automatic default option. Instead the best communicators flexibly and intelligently alter their strategies depending on the context, the nature of the problem, their partner’s peccadilloes, and so forth.

For example, research by Nickola Overall at Auckland University suggests that being honest and direct (without indulging in character assignation) is effective in getting your partner to change his or her ways, whereas adopting a soft approach (dropping diplomatic hints about the bathmat) is likely to leave your partner blithely unaware of the problem or dismiss its importance.

Alice: Just how different are men and women when it comes to relationships?

Professor Fletcher: Arguments about sex differences often involve debates about evolutionary psychology. First, a tremendous amount of evidence has shown that men and women are different in some basic ways in relationships. Take three examples.

1. Men are more interested in casual sex than women.

2. Men are less focused on status and resources in selecting mates than women, and

3. Women are more expert and motivated relationship managers than men.

All these sex differences (found around the world) can be explained as a function of the differing levels of investment the sexes contribute to bearing and raising children (a theory developed by Robert Trivers in 1972 – termed parental investment theory – based on sexual selection theory proposed by Darwin).

However, two major caveats apply. First, I am talking about mean differences between the sexes; it turns out that the differences with each sex are almost always considerably greater than the differences between sexes.

Second, the behavior and attitudes of both men and women (and the magnitude of the associated sex differences) can change substantially as a function of the culture and the context. I will give two examples.

(a) When the number of men in a culture substantially exceeds the number of women, men become keener on long-term commitment.

(b) In speed dating studies, women are generally choosier than men – a lot choosier! However, women who are less attractive are less choosy (they decide to make further contact more often), especially when there are more attractive women in their speed-dating group.

Alice: Do we know what causes relationships to break-up?

Professor Fletcher: The short answer is yes.

For both dating and marital relationships, a bunch of socio-demographic factors are linked to higher levels of dissolution (e.g., low income, low religiosity, unemployment), some personality factors (e.g., being neurotic, attachment avoidance), and a slew of factors linked to the nature of the relationship (e.g.,infidelity, violence, poor communication, negative attitudes to the partner, poor support).

If you enter a relationship with a deck already stacked for or against you, is the fate of your relationship already sealed? No.

Relationship interaction and communication have large effects over and above what individuals bring with them into a relationship. The figure bandied round the zeitgeist for the odds of marriages ending in divorce is 50%. Actually, the only countries that even approach this figure are Belgium and the USA, and the divorce rate in the US seems to have been coming down lately.

In other western countries like New Zealand, Australia, Canada, and the UK, the divorce rate is closer to 35%. I am constantly struck by the high proportion of marriages that go the course in modern, western settings, given the relatively recent introduction of no-fault legislation, the more relaxed norms concerning divorce, and the increasing economic independence of women. Humans are truly a pair-bonding species.

Alice: Attachment theory and ideas developed by John Bowlby have had a huge impact on relationship therapy and our understanding of romantic relationships. But do our childhood experiences really determine what happens in our adult relationships? 

Professor Fletcher: Bowlby has had a huge impact on the field for sure, and it shows no signs of dissipating.  I think one major reason is that Bowlby developed his theory by trolling though the scientific literature across many fields including computer science, ethology, evolutionary biology, and developmental psychology.

He was able to combine this with his own clinical experience to nail down some of the crucial features of the attachment system, with the help of Mary Ainsworth, (a student of Bowlby’s) who developed the famous lab-strange situation. In this set-up infants were left by their mothers briefly (in one condition with a stranger present) and their behavior was observed both in this situation and when their mother returned.

The big bang of adult attachment work was provided by Cindy Hazan and Phil Shaver in 1987, who reported that the percentages of people reporting being secure (56%)  avoidant (25%) or anxious (19%) in their romantic relationships were similar those reported by Ainsworth in her observations of infants in the lab strange situation. Well over 1500 studies on adult attachment have been reported since 1987, so I won’t attempt a review here. However, let me give two bottom-line conclusions.

First, attachment styles formed in the first 2 years of life continue to have a life-long impact. Second, attachment styles are relatively stable, but are also exquisitely sensitive to relationship experiences. As a child or as an adult, relationship experiences (good or bad) can slowly shift people from secure to insecure attachment styles, and vice versa.

Alice: There is a lot of controversy about the role of evolution in the way romance and relationships work. What is your take on this?”

Professor Fletcher: Well, the controversy is probably played up in the media, but it is true that some if not many psychologists remain skeptical about the value of an evolutionary approach to intimate relationships. However, humans are the products of evolution, and the fulcrum of Darwinian evolution is sexual reproduction. Thus, it is hardly surprising that there is a tight connection between human nature and human mating and family life.

There is considerable evidence, for example, that romantic love between adults is an evolved device for producing the kind of powerful commitment required for parents to stay together for many years, thus facilitating the enormous investment required for the care, provisioning, teaching, and protection of offspring across the relatively stretched childhood and adolescence of modern humans. However, as I said before, an evolutionary approach only goes so far.

The powerful roles of culture and the interpersonal context also need to be taken into account. But these forces do not operate in some either/or fashion. Humans have evolved as cultural animals, born to be shaped and to learn from our cultural heritage. Moreover, the fact that culture and context bend behavior around does not negate the power of our evolutionary heritage. Indeed, there is considerable evidence that evolution builds in behavioral flexibility to many species, probably reaching its zenith in modern humans.

Alice: Where is the scientific study of romantic relationships going?

Professor Fletcher: The scientific study of romance and love really got going from about 1980 onwards. Evolutionary psychologists picked up from where Darwin left off, and started investigating mate selection in humans. Social and clinical psychologists started to intensely study interaction in intimate relationships, and adapted John Bowlby’s influential work on childhood attachment to study adult attachment in romantic relationships. Anthropologists increasingly began studying love, mating, and family life around the world. Neuroscientists began using brain imaging to study love and the brain. And, the study of human sexuality started to go well beyond Alfred Kinsey’s landmark studies in the 1950’s.

The problem is that scientists in these disciplines in the past pretty much worked in independent silos, publishing in their specialist journals and talking to one another at their own conferences. Fortunately this is now changing, with interdisciplinary work across scientific fields becoming more common. Our recent textbook (The Science of Intimate Relationships (link is external)) exemplifies this trend, by integrating research and theories across scientific domains. One bottom line emerging from this book is that adopting an interdisciplinary approach to understanding how intimate relationships work provides a wonderfully unique window into our understanding of human nature.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How to Fight and Stay Together

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

When you’re in a long-term relationship, fighting with your partner is inevitable. Whether it’s a small one about laundry or big, reoccurring one about money, every couple fights.

relationship difficulties: young couple having a fightBut there are healthy ways to argue with your partner that may actually lead to stronger bonds. Then, there are also unhealthy ways to argue that will damage the relationship and may lead to the end.

After all is said and done after a fight with your partner, it’s hard to not think about the words you should’ve said, or worse, the words you shouldn’t have said. But what makes some couples survive after blowout arguments and some break up? A new study found, the key to fighting with your partner is not in what you said or should not have said, but how you approach the conflict.

In a 14-year study of 79 married couples from the Midwest, John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute and University of California, Berkeley psychologist, Robert Levensen explored the predictability of divorce in early and later marriages. While 21 couples ended up divorcing over the course of their study, Gottman and Levensen noticed some key behaviors among couples who fought but managed to stay together in the end. Here’s what they found:

They Tackled Their Problems Immediately

Couples who ended up splitting took a lot longer to address arguments than couples who stayed together. In fact, those who separated let their partners “stew” for hours or days post-fight, while those who stayed together addressed their conflict immediately. As Gotten told Business Insider, think of it like you and your partner are in a boat. The emotions and feelings from your fight represent the sea. While a small argument “stirs the waters a bit and gets the boat rocking,” quickly stabilizing the boat via an open discussion can easily bring you back to smooth sailing. Furthermore, stalling can only strengthen the waves, thus causing bigger problems.
This actually keeps in line with a study published last year in the Journal of Counseling Psychology. In a study of 145 couples who received conflict management training, those who immediately addressed their conflict felt happier in their relationships in the long run than those who didn’t receive any sort of training.

They Allowed Each Other To Be Heard

Young woman crying while husband soothing her.Among those couples who got divorced, it was found that frequently cutting each other off during arguments were a common occurrence. In many cases, partners would throw out unhelpful or insensitive comments, which only served to make matters worse. Couples who were identified as “strong” on the other hand, approached the situation with an open mind. Most importantly, they took responsibility for their actions and listened to their partners.

n a 16-year study of 373 married couples published in 2010 in the Journal of Marriage and Family, it was found that when both partners “engaged positively during an argument” they were less likely to divorce than couples who didn’t have positive engagement or only had one partner put in any effort.

Generally, fights can be hard on a couple. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to do what you can to minimize damage. If you want to successfully come out of a fight stronger than ever, do what the couples in the study did. Tackle your problems immediately, keep an open mind, and make sure to listen to what they have to say. Don’t try to make yourself the “winner.” Because, let’s face it, when you’re fighting with your partner, there are no winners.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Sleeping in Separate Rooms. Could It Make Your Love Life Better?

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

We’ve both reached the point where neither of us feels rejected.

Why do two people who love each other — and have a normal, healthy relationship otherwise — sleep apart? There are a number of reasons, but our big theme is respect: We both respect each other and know how important sleep is to our lives. It is irrational to think that two professionals in their 40s would have identical schedules. We have reached a point that we are grateful that neither of us feels rejected if we don’t sleep together.

My partner and I had both been married prior to our relationship, and so I believe we have different expectations and less insecurities than we had or most people have in a first marriage. We are able to sleep together comfortably (and we do on vacations and weekends), but on your average weeknight, we sleep in different beds.

Now in our 40s, he and I have known each other for 30 years. Romantic notions about sleeping peacefully intertwined don’t exist, at least not for us. Instead, we’re lucky to have a nice guest/spare room with a queen-sized bed that works well for my partner. He is still always welcome in our master bedroom and bed. Before we go to sleep at night, we watch television or a movie together, and even sometimes fall asleep. But inevitably, he will be gone if I wake up during the night, and always when I get up in the morning.

I am a writer by trade, mostly freelance. I write for others while also working on my own projects. I’m what you call a “creative type.” My work, my schedule, and my brain don’t work in a 9 to 5 world. I sometimes get an idea and write late or in the middle of the night. I can imagine this would be really annoying if you needed to get up at 5 a.m. to do consulting work in DC. He works in a Brooks Brothers suit. I work in sweats — on a dressy day.

We also both have children from our first marriages. Mine are older and very independent. They both drive, work, and have traveled without me or their father. My partner has young children who need help with their homework and still have a bedtime. His youngest still gets up in the middle of the night, and our guest room is next to his room. It is very convenient for my partner to lie in bed with his son until he falls back to sleep.

The last big reason (that my kind better half would never mention) is the elephant in the room: I snore. And not a cute little snore, but a snore you would image coming out of an 80-year-old man. I have allergies, and even with a septum repair following a nose broken during a lacrosse game, I still snore. Loudly. We went on vacation to London, and I suddenly had no need for my allergy medication. The snoring stopped, and I slept better than I had in years. I value sleep enough that I would move to England now if I could.

Those who know that we sleep in different beds (our kids mostly) would originally ask if we had an argument. We assured them that this wasn’t the case, and depending on that particular day, we would tell them the truth, that one of us was up late working, and the other needed to get up early. It also allows up to spend time with our respective kids and watch a late night movie and hang out.

Years into our relationship, it is still special when we spend the night in the same bed. We don’t take for granted how nice it is to roll over, reach out, and touch your partner!

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

In Denial About Your Relationship?

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

A relationship is a lot like a car. When it’s new, we treat it like the most precious and exciting thing in the world.

We would never dream of leaving garbage lying around inside or neglecting it in any way. We wash it frequently and make sure to keep up on the maintenance.

However, over time complacency sets in and the car/relationship does not bring as much excitement as it did in the beginning. We begin caring less about the cleanliness and may slack on the care we once diligently showed the car.

When brand new, a car (and relationship for that matter) is unlikely to show signs of problems. You don’t often hear of a new car having the check engine light come on unless the car has more miles on it. How many of us groan when we see that light on? If the car is still running and sounds OK, it is easy to avoid getting it into a mechanic to check it out.

It comes down to this: Sometimes it seems easier to avoid problems if things seem “fine” rather than tackling them and dealing with them right away.

This may seem like the easier option in the beginning; however, what happens when we avoid that check engine light? If there is a serious problem and we keep driving the car, we can make it worse. The same goes for relationships. The longer we avoid issues, the more likely it is that the damage is going to be worse over time — sometimes to the point that things are irreparable.

Often by the time a couple gets into therapy, their relationship is already at the point of practically falling apart. For the couple that has avoided their problems for years, by the time they get to the couch in my office, one or both has already given up on the relationship. The relationship is ready to crumble and is hanging by a thread. It takes a great deal of effort from each party in order to repair the damage. Sometimes the damage is too much, and in spite of their best efforts, relationships fall apart.

Please know I am not trying to suggest that there is zero chance for a couple who has experienced avoidance over a long period of time to save their marriage. Yes, it is possible and I’ve seen it happen, but only through very hard work from both parties, as well as a willingness for each person to take a good, hard look at him or herself. But wouldn’t it be nice to be aware of the pitfalls of avoidance so you can prevent the damage in the first place?

Acknowledge the check engine light

To tackle this issue of avoidance, we must first understand denial. Denial is tricky. It can be a friend or a foe. Denial is the brain’s way of defending itself. This is helpful and adaptive for situations in which we need to titrate information because taking it all at once would overwhelm the system. For example, a person who experiences a significant loss may need to be in denial for a while until the brain is ready to process what has happened. When denial is adaptive, the brain eventually processes all the pieces of an overwhelming incident (in fragments) and is able, at some point, to acknowledge what has happened.

However, sometimes we get a little too comfortable with denial, particularly in relationships. This presents in various ways. Sometimes they present in subtle ways and some are more difficult and emotionally charged. Some common issues people avoid bringing up include:

  • Finding yourself bored in your relationship.
  • Losing touch with your partner emotionally, sexually and mentally.
  • Changing over time and feeling that you and your partner are no longer on the same wavelength.
  • Not wanting to cause conflict.
  • No longer finding your partner attractive.
  • Thinking “the grass may be greener” somewhere else.
  • No longer having as much energy for the relationship.

It’s never comfortable to acknowledge that these issues are going on, but the only way to prevent further damage from occurring is to face them.

Be prepared for feedback and practice listening

If you want your relationship to be happy and healthy, it’s going to take work. Yes, relationships can be fun and exciting, particularly in the beginning “honeymoon phase.” But even the most compatible people are going to find that they have to work to help their relationship grow over time and to survive the long haul.

Too often, there is an ideal that we are supposed to meet someone, fall in love, and all pieces are supposed to fall together like some sort of fairytale. This is definitely not reality. Your partner is going to bother you from time to time and you are going to bother them. You may find that you get bored at times with the monotony of day-to-day life. Each of you may be tired and just trying to make it through the daily grind. These are all normal issues and all can be worked through.

But be prepared to listen to each other, and own your part in each issue. Work on not being defensive by tracking yourself closely. Pay attention to your urges and try to keep your breathing even and consistent before you respond. It’s OK to take breaks during this process. Not everything is going to be solved in one sitting.

Be consistent

Doing this once and then falling back into the same old habits is just not going to cut it. If you want a relationship that is strong and can stand the test of time, both parties must commit to consistently taking inventory of the relationship, their part in all issues, and working through them. The good news: The more you do this, the less uncomfortable it gets.

Just like a car, the better you care for your relationship, the better it will be to you and the happier you will both be in the long run.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Watch Out! What One Behavior Spells the End

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Contempt, a virulent mix of anger and disgust, is far more toxic than simple frustration or negativity. It involves seeing your partner as beneath you, rather than as an equal..

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are “pending” divorce after 10 years of marriage.

On the way home from work you have every intention of greeting your partner with a friendly “Hi, how are you? How was your day?” and listening attentively while he or she tells you all about it.

But the minute you open the door and drop your keys on the counter, you find yourself knee-deep in an argument about how he or she bought the wrong type of pepper.

Don’t worry: It’s perfectly normal to get into arguments like these with your significant other every once in a while, John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington and founder of the Gottman Institute, told Business Insider.

It’s what happens next that you need to watch out for, he says.

When you express your frustration over the pepper mix-up, do you listen while he explains that perhaps you didn’t ever tell him what type of pepper you wanted? Do you think this over, and, when you realize that maybe he’s right, do you apologize? Or do you adopt an attitude and think to yourself, “What kind of an idiot doesn’t know that bell peppers are for stir-fry and habaneros are for salsa?”

If you find yourself in the second situation, you’re likely displaying contempt for your partner, and it could be putting your relationship in jeopardy.

Contempt, a virulent mix of anger and disgust, is far more toxic than simple frustration or negativity. It involves seeing your partner as beneath you, rather than as an equal..

Gottman and University of California at Berkeley psychologist Robert Levenson found this single behavior is so powerful that they can use it — along with the negative behaviors of criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling — to predict divorce with 93% accuracy.

“Contempt,” says Gottman, “is the kiss of death.”

The striking 93% figure comes from a 14-year study of 79 couples living across the US Midwest (21 of whom divorced during the study period) published in 2002. Since then, decades of research into marriage and divorce have lent further support to the idea linking divorce with specific negative behaviors.

One recent study of 373 newlywed couples, for example, found that couples who yelled at each other, showed contempt for each other, or simply began to disengage from conflict within the first year of marriage were more likely to divorce, even as far as 16 years down the road.

Why are couples who exhibit this one behavior more likely to split up?

It comes down to a superiority complex.

Feeling smarter than, better than, or more sensitive than your significant other means you’re not only less likely see his or her opinions as valid, but, more importantly, you’re far less willing to try to put yourself in his or her shoes to try to see a situation from his or her perspective.

Picture a resonance chamber, suggests Gottman, with each person in the relationship a source of his or her own musical (or emotional) vibrations. If each partner is closed off to the other person’s vibes (or emotions) and more interested in unleashing their own feelings of disgust and superiority, these negative vibrations will resound against one another, escalating a bad situation “until something breaks,” Gottman says.

If you’ve noticed yourself or your partner exhibiting this type of behavior, don’t despair — it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.

Being aware that you’re doing something that could negatively affect your partner is the first step to actively combating it. If you can figure out how to avoid the behavior or replace it with a more positive one, you’ll likely greatly improve the relationship — and increase your chances of staying together for longer.

Curated by Timothy
Original Article  

Romance… Science Approves

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Weddings… When hopeful couples walk down the aisle, clasp hands and exchange vows to love and cherish till death do they part.

But in today’s world—full of distractions and choices—when whole websites are devoted to finding clandestine sexual partners, how realistic are those dreams of lifelong commitment?

As it turns out, science may be coming to the rescue of romance. A recent paper, co-authored by University of Minnesota psychology professor Jeffry Simpson, along with Garth Fletcher of Victoria University, Lorne Campbell of the University of Western Ontario, and Nickola Overall of the University of Auckland, gets at the very nature of romantic love and contends that romance is not only an ancient and widely cross-cultural phenomenon, but that it—as well as monogamy—played an important part to our evolution as a species.

The paper defines romantic love as, “a commitment device, composed of passion, intimacy, and caregiving,” and goes on to explain that romantic love was a key factor that, in domino-like fashion, resulted in humans’ complex brains, survival strategies, and social behaviors. The chain effect goes something like this: the need for two parents to raise children was facilitated by romantic love, leading our ancestors to have fairly monogamous relationships that resulted in greater paternal investment and higher infancy survival rates. That, in turn, cemented familial bonds and created close, complex, kin-based communities that helped humans survive—and thrive. In short, you could say that if it were not for romance, we might not be “human” at all.Published in February in Perspectives on Psychological Science, the paper, Pair-Bonding, Romantic Love, and Evolution: The Curious Case of Homo sapiens, synthesizes previously published studies to examine romantic love from a multi-disciplinary perspective: from the chemical and biological, to the evolutionary, cultural, and social.

Cynics may balk at such a seemingly sentimental and overarching statement, and indeed, there are crucial questions that are raised—what about polygyny, for example? The paper addresses many of these questions and finds that regardless of the situation, “love and pair-bonding remain powerful forces that must be controlled and managed.” For example, evidence suggests that polygamous families have more conflict and violence than monogamous families, perhaps because their very nature challenges the notion of monogamous, romantic love.

But what about divorce? Infidelity? Here’s where the picture gets a little murkier for those impending brides and grooms.

Stone Age Monogamy?

While the paper makes a strong case for the importance of romantic love, it also explains why today’s long-term commitments may be more difficult to maintain. First, it is important to emphasize that the paper addresses romantic love and pair-bonding, not marriage.

Marriage as a social construct is a very recent phenomenon compared to thousands of years of evolution. Our ancestors had much shorter lifespans and in lived in small familial groups of 50 – 150 people that met other groups only occasionally. “We have a Stone Age brain that’s dealing with a modern environment to which we are not fully adapted,” says Simpson.

“You turn on the television, you open up a magazine, and you see all kinds of attractive people. How many would you have seen if you lived 40,000 years ago? Maybe 10 in your life. So you go from 10 options to theoretically—in terms of the images—to thousands. What does that do to you? What does it do to your relationships?”

Simpson says that there is a good amount of evidence that we as a species evolved to be serially monogamous. “What I mean by that,” he clarifies, “is most of our ancestors probably were fairly monogamous with a single partner until they moved onto the next relationship.”

And just how often were people changing partners? The paper states that passionate romantic love usually lasts for a short period of time when a child could be weaned and become less dependent. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the peak periods for divorce in most cultures and ethnic groups today is four years.

So are those hopeful couples doomed? Is it delusional to walk down that aisle? Are lifelong commitments ill-advised?

Definitely not says Simpson. “You don’t want to suggest that just because something evolved in a certain way it’s good in relation to our current values and practices. We evolved to fear outgroups, and that’s causing all kinds of problems in the world right now.”

Indeed, the paper suggests that, “across cultures, the probability of divorce sharply declines across time as a function of increasing investment in relationships and the weeding out of unsatisfactory marriages. This pattern is precisely what would be expected if pair-bonding in humans was ‘designed’ to produce successful long-term relationships.”

So what would Simpson say to those folks about to take the plunge?

“Love changes as relationships grow and develop. It transforms into different kinds of love as one moves across different life stages. You have to be committed to maintaining that love, even though it doesn’t feel like it did in the early passion stage. The people who are more likely to stay together are the ones who can learn to appreciate the different meanings of love through new, changing life experiences. You oftentimes think of love as an automatic process, but it requires a lot of work, forethought, and commitment to last.”

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Are You Emotionally Cheating? Find Out.

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

The chemistry was obvious, but nothing ever “happened.” Or did it?

Like many women, René (who asked that only her middle name be used), a writer from northern New Jersey, had two husbands: a regular spouse and a “work husband,” a man — interesting, smart, funny — with whom she spent 9 hours a day. The chemistry was obvious, but nothing ever “happened.” Or did it?

They made a beeline for each other every morning, and their chats became more and more personal. “I definitely talked to him about things I didn’t talk to my husband about, including my husband, because my marriage was so unhappy,” René says. He sat a little too close at meetings. She admits she fantasized about a relationship.

Was she cheating? Gail Saltz, MD, associate professor of psychiatry at New York-Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Cornell School of Medicine, says “probably.”

“Many of these emotional affairs do move into a sexual affair,” Saltz says. “If they don’t, it’s easy enough to say to yourself that you’re not doing anything wrong.”

The problem, she says, is the attachment to this other person impacts the marriage. “Ultimately it ends painfully one way or another: Your marriage ends, or you’ve got to give this person up.” René’s marriage eventually ended in divorce, but this doesn’t have to happen to you.

Often, people who become involved in emotional affairs feel something is lacking at home. “It makes them feel good to feel understood, to feel desired. It’s like candy. You go home and have your vegetables, and you go to work and you have candy.”

For some spouses — more often women, Saltz says — learning of an emotional affair can be worse than discovering sexual infidelity. “Everybody understands a sexual act need not necessarily contain affection or intimacy. It could be literally about a sexual act. Whereas the emotional affair feels like it’s much more about being connected, about loving or liking.”

Signs You’ve Crossed the Line

According to Saltz, these seven red flags suggest you may have entered into an emotional affair:

  1. You spend a lot of emotional energy on the person. “You end up sharing stuff that you don’t even share with your partner — hopes and dreams, things that would actually connect you to your partner.”
  2. You dress up for that person.
  3. You make a point to find ways to spend time together, and that time becomes very important to you.
  4. You’d feel guilty if your partner saw you together; you are doing things and saying things that you would never do or say in front of your spouse.
  5. You share your feelings of marital dissatisfaction.
  6. You’re keeping secret the amount of time you’re spending with the person (including emailing, calling, texting).
  7. You start to feel dependent on the emotional high that comes with the relationship.

Quitting the Affair

These affairs can be hard to stop, Saltz says. But to give your marriage a chance, “you just have to end it. I don’t think there’s a halfway. It’s too slippery a slope.” If it’s someone you can’t avoid, have a direct conversation. Tell them, “I need to not do this,” Saltz says.

Your next step: Figure out what led you to make the connection with this other person, says psychologist Janis Abrahms Spring, PhD, author of After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful.

“One of the critical tasks necessary for the couple to survive emotional infidelity is for both partners to explore its roots — why did it happen? What does it say about me, you, and us as a couple?” She adds, “It’s better to speak up and bring the conflict into the open than confide secretly in someone else.”

Instead of playing the blame game, identify contributing factors on both sides.

If you want to save your marriage, the earlier you deal with problems, the better, Saltz says. “And the earlier you cut off something that leads in the direction of betrayal, the better.”

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Is LOVE Too Risky for You?

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

I went looking for an answer in the data on love and marriage.

SHE was 25. I was 24. We spent only a couple of days together and shared no language in common. But when I returned to the United States from that European music festival, I announced to my parents that I had met my future wife.

Of course, I had to convince Ester first. So I tackled the project as if it were a start-up. I began by studying Spanish. Before long, I’d quit my job and moved to her native Barcelona — where I knew no one except her — in hot pursuit. The market pressure was intense: Men would shout wedding proposals to her from moving cars. But I pressed on, undeterred. It took two years to close the deal, but she finally said yes, and we married.

Today, I have many colleagues in their 20s. When I tell them this story, they shake their heads in disbelief. “That’s crazy,” one told me. “No one would do that today.” The first point is fair: It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been called nuts. But it didn’t seem so crazy at the time, and plenty of people who, like me, were born in the 1960s, have similar stories. This left me wondering: Are people today less romantically adventurous?

I went looking for an answer in the data on love and marriage. First and most obviously, marriage rates have plummeted in recent years. According to the Pew Research Center, in 1960, 10 percent of men and 8 percent of women over 25 were unmarried. By 2012, those numbers climbed to 23 percent and 17 percent. This is because of fewer first marriages, not rising divorce; the latter has been falling for three decades.

You might retort that people are simply marrying later, and that these figures fail to account for cohabitation and same-sex relationships. But marriage has declined in every age cohort, and according to the Panel Study of Income Dynamics at the University of Michigan, the percentage of households headed by a married or cohabiting couple has fallen to 52 percent from 58 percent since 1981. In a decade or less, we could expect that most American adults will live without a romantic partner.

Should we even care? Sociologists can speculate about whether marriage is outmoded, but the answer to that question is apparently obvious to those without partners. In a 2013 Gallup poll, 81 percent of people who had never married said they want to marry.

What can turn these trends around? The conventional response is to decrease the risk and hassle of coupling through new apps that connect friends of friends or algorithms for matching strangers as perfectly as possible. But making mating less frightening and inconvenient should not be our priority. What we really need is more romantic entrepreneurship. And that requires cultivating two core entrepreneurial qualities: courage and mindfulness.

First comes courage.

The most distinguishing characteristic of entrepreneurs is their willingness and ability to take a personal risk for the chance at explosive rewards. This is not the norm. Most people are slaves to fear, and prefer avoiding risk to staring it down. As the author Aaron C. Brown writes in “The Poker Face of Wall Street,” most people wander through life “never consciously accepting extra risk to pick up the money and other good things lying around them.”

This might seem unrelated to love. But ask yourself, what is the opposite of love? The automatic answer is “hate,” but that’s wrong. The opposite of love is fear. As St. John the Apostle put it, “There is no fear in love” and “one who fears is not made perfect in love.” As Paul C. Vitz, a psychologist at the Institute for the Psychological Sciences in Arlington, Va., explained to me, “Fear is the fundamental negative emotion.”

If we want more love, we must conquer fear. We must take personal risks for big potential romantic rewards. Forget test-driving a relationship for 10 years, or searching for someone so perfectly matched as to resemble a sibling.

Love is supposed to be a little scary because it is uncertain. I remember moments when my own romantic venture seemed doomed and foolish. Courage means feeling the fear of rejection and loss but pursuing love anyway.

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Plants that Express Romance Every Day

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Cupid has shot his arrows, but love lasts all year. To keep the Valentine’s Day feeling alive in your garden all spring and summer, consider these love-themed plants:

Our first stop is love-in-a-mist (Nigella damascena), a short-lived annual that must be sown more than once to have flowers through the summer. It comes back every year, from seeds it self-sows. The pale, blue flowers, cheery and hopeful, are surrounded by frilly leaves that become puffy fruits retaining some of that frill.

Bolster the charm needed for love’s beginnings with love grass (Eragrostis spp.). The plant is easy to grow and tolerates periodically dry soil. Amethyst flowers cap the stalks in midsummer.

———

EARLY ROMANCE

Even easier to grow is love apple, better known as the tomato. Sow these seeds indoors 6 weeks before the date of the average last killing frost of spring in your area, which you can find out from your county Cooperative Extension office.

Let’s move on to the pink flowers of kiss-me-over-the-garden-gate (Polygonum orientale). At first blush, this plant can be a bit frightening because it looks like a familiar weed, smartweed, which spreads far and wide. Actually, it looks like smartweed on steroids, because kiss-me-over-the-garden-gate can grow 8 feet high. But it is better behaved than its weedy lookalike, self-seeds with discretion and, with much larger flowers held up higher, is prettier.

Now we’re at love-in-a-puff (Cardiospermum halicacabum), more substantial yet fast-growing and potentially invasive. Despite tendrils, this vine might need help growing upward. The small flowers are followed by showy, pale red, inflated fruits. No need to blare out love at this point; you must open the fruits to see that each seed has a heart etched into its surface.

———

UPS AND DOWNS

Love-in-idleness (Viola tricolor) is the flower that Shakespeare’s Oberon in “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” recounted was “before milk-white, now purple with love’s wound.” Oberon went on to use this small, wild pansy as the aphrodisiac for a midsummer night’s mischief.

Broken hearts might turn to love-lies-bleeding (Amaranthus caudatus), which drips globs of tiny red flowers from the ends of its stems. Fortunately, it’s not a perennial.

On a happier note, try hearts entangled (Ceropegia woodii), notable not for its flowers but for its lovely, heart-shaped leaves, which are coated with silver and strung along thin, creeping stems. The plant is a succulent that can weather all sorts of conditions if provided constant warmth.

Finally, we come to love-tree (Cercis siliquastrum), the most substantial plant on this romantic ramble. Our native redbud tree is a close relative, similar in leaf and flower, to this native of southern Europe and western Asia. Leaves of love-tree are also heart-shaped and each spring, as if reaffirming love, the branches are smothered in flowers. The small flowers are rose-colored, not red-hot but with enough blue to remind us of that love-in-a-mist at the beginning of the path.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

You Are My Last Alcoholic Relationship

by Virginia Jonesin RELATIONSHIPS

“…I’ve unfriended you on Facebook and blocked your phone number.  You are my last alcoholic.  Goodbye.”

I don’t like to say that my family is all alcoholics, but we have pretty strong numbers.  My grandfather was dead at 45, his liver rotted through, leaving behind a small family and a whole town of party buddies who thought he was really great.  It’s an established fact that alcoholism runs through families.  It doesn’t necessarily breed other alcoholics, but it breeds codependents and nurturers and excuse makers and people who seek out alcoholics as partners.

I’m not an alcoholic, and my sister isn’t, but we find ‘em and we date ‘em.  It’s what we’re good at.  She is of the opinion that there’s no man in the world who’s not an alcoholic, because she hadn’t met one yet.

I can tell when someone is an alcoholic or an addict without ever seeing them use. It is my superpower, because if you are an alcoholic or addict active in your addiction,

  1. I will find you attractive.  I will feel that magical flutter in my chest that only happens in the movies and which I now associate with fear.
  1. Alcoholics will tell you the same stories over and over, and they forget the things you tell them, because they weren’t listening. They tell you things when they’re drunk and they don’t remember when they’re sober.  This is your problem.
  1. Alcoholics may brush with greatness, but sometimes they don’t seem to have achieved very much. Maybe they were nearly in a big band, or they used to be in one, or made some great art when they were younger, but now they’re 40 and call themselves a photographer but the last time they took a picture was last year sometime, or they just keep losing job after job because everyone else is a JERK.
  1. Alcoholics don’t prioritize sex. Personally, I love sex, and if I love you, I really want to have sex with you, lots of it.  Alcoholics might have sex with you if they are able to after the bar closes and if there’s no booze in the house.  And that’s abnormal.  Science tells us that healthy men will prioritize sex over food, over sleep, over personal safety- but not over addiction.
  1. Sometimes you can tell someone is an alcoholic because nothing is ever their fault. If you hang around long enough, everything will become your fault.
  1. Sometimes you can tell someone is an alcoholic because they are so charming and wonderful, and when they are nice to you, it’s the most wonderful feeling in the world, and it covers you in warmth and light, and when it turns off it feels like the planet Hoth. Alcoholics are two different people. You think that once they stop drinking, the bad selfish lying part will go away and the sweet smart creative will stay behind and love you, but the fact is that the second thing is a fiction that allows the first thing to survive.  The mean drunk is who they really are.
  1. My last alcoholic was a super smart very handsome photographer that had been a TA for twenty years and wasn’t sure what had happened. He came to visit me from San Francisco and suggested we go to a bar in LA, and at the bar in a city where he didn’t live, everyone knew his name.  So I was concerned.
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San Francisco Rules for Your Romance and Sex Life

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

In the last month we asked couples what are their favorite romantic things to do in San Francisco or just at their own home… We got many creative and unique responses! Therefore, we collected 15 of the best ideas and summarized them for you. Most of the information we provide below is published online, please check the details when you plan the activities.

Cozy, romantic and fun in your own living room

1. Home picnic

Too cold to go out? Surprise your partner with organizing a picnic… in your home (or plan it together with them).

Preparation: Put a log in the fireplace, or heat up the place, set up a blanket on the floor, throw on some pillows. Place some candles all around your picnic area.

Food ideas:  A loaf of crusty bread, crackers, fresh butter, a sharp cheddar cheese and a soft brie, strawberries and a bowl of whipped cream, an antipasto platter with cured meats such as rolled up salami, large pepperonis, prosciutto and  bowl of olives.

Drinks: A bottle of wine or a good cocktail, also make sure you have a bottle of water ready.

Make it sensual:  Cover your partner eyes with a tie and begin feeding him/her the picnic’s foods ever so slowly with your fingers. Ask them to guess what they are eating. When they had enough, it’s your partner’s turn to feed you.

2. Play a childhood game…

Be cozy in your living room couch, order pizza, uncork a bottle of wine, and teach your partner how to play your favorite old-school card game or board game. Breaking out the old board games or dipping into your child’s stash can actually make you two feel closer.

3. Play sexy….

Ready for some sexy, intimate time? If you want to spice things up here are nine different sexy games…So don’t think too much, be playful. Before you start, make sure you light a candle!

Be playful in your environment

4. Play strangers in your own town

Have you noticed that when you live in a certain place you forget to actually enjoy it? Pretend you are tourists in San Francisco, spend an afternoon exploring the city or your own town, having lunch/dinner at a cool bistro you’ve never been to (because it’s full of tourists) take a tour in one of the neighborhoods or have your picture taken together by a town landmark. If you want to make it more interesting – meet at a certain location and pretend that you are two strangers meeting each other for the first time (be curious and ask all the first date questions, and…be creative). It will be like going back to the beginning.

5. Visit Lands End

Lands End is the best hike in San Francisco, with great views of the bay and Marin headlands. It’s hard to believe you are in the City. Right in the beginning of the trail there is a magnificent view of the Golden Gate Bridge. The main trail is about 1.5 miles and it deviates in some parts -some go up to the golf course and some down to the beach area, so give yourself time to explore…

The Labyrinth is located at the bottom of the stairs out of the main path, so look out for that because you do NOT want to walk past it. It also leads to a ledge that looks out over the pacific and has an incredible unobstructed view of the bridge.

Seal Rock Dr & El Camino Del Mar, San Francisco, CA 94101

6. A Romantic outlook: Grand View Park

Grand view park has stunning views stretching from downtown San Francisco and Golden Gate Park to Pt. Reyes and around to Lake Mercer, where you get a majestic view of the north and west side of San Francisco.

Home of the prettiest staircase in SF; the Funston and Moraga mosaic stairs feature bits of glass and ceramic fish, flowers, bats, squirrels, and birds. Each set of stairs leads to another and you can’t help but stop to admire the view in between. At last your trek brings you to the top of the hill, your eyes wide with delight as you take in the view. Once you climb to the top, you will find benches that are perfectly placed. It gets very windy up there, so don’t forget to take a warm jacket and maybe cuddle.

Moraga St & 14th Ave, San Francisco, CA 94122

7. Cruise the love boat – Visit Stow Lake Boathouse

Is there anything better than spending time on a romantic boat ride with your beloved partner? For an hour you can leisurely make the way around Stow Lake, taking in the scenery…the waterfall, Japanese pagoda, cobblestone bridges, and hundreds of sea turtles, ducks and seagulls. It is highly recommended to bring snacks, drinks and chocolate or go to The café at Stow Lake Boathouse. On the boat ride you can enjoy a cool beer, and discover tons of interesting creatures. It’s also beautiful and relaxing to walk on the hill in the middle of the lake.

Hours Daily 10 am – 5 pm, Boats Rentals stop 1 hour before closing. 50 Stow Lake Dr, San Francisco, CA 94118

8. Get a new perspective – Sailing in San Francisco

Sailing at day time or night is an unforgettable romantic experience. There are many companies in San Francisco that offer sailing services, which you can choose from. Tip: sometimes Goldstar offers great deals for sailing.

9. Rolling together – Golden Gate Part Segway Tours

The Segway tour is a great cool way to explore Golden Gate part, discover new areas that you wouldn’t get to by just walking. This is a fun and active thing to do together. If you are more of the cautious type, don’t worry – the Segway maxes out at 10 mph.  The tour itself didn’t feel rushed and you get loads of time to get comfortable on the Segways, check out different parts of the park, and enjoy the atmosphere. At the end of the tour you can have a romantic picnic AND enjoy each other presence…

Tip: you may found some discounts in Groupon. 70 Hagiwara Tea Garden Dr, San Francisco, CA 94118

10. Trust your partner – Indoor rock climbing

When was the last time you trusted your partner with your life? Rock climbing is a great way to practice trust and communication, some of relationship’s most important skills. Asides from that it’s a fun and exciting activity, so sharing that with you partner is bound to make you feel closer. If you are new to rock climbing you can take a class together and then practice on your own. Here are two locations in San Francisco or beyond Mission Cliffs and Planet Granite.

Indulge your senses 

11. Soak up some advanced sex-ed

Unlike in the past, sex toy stores are becoming a more regular part of the neighborhood scene and plenty offer classes for couples. Don’t worry, you won’t get naked and extra points aren’t awarded for participation; instead, there are lectures on everything from oral sex tips to sexy massage techniques. Good Vibration is well known for its workshops and have few locations around the city but you can call any of your local sex store to check if it offers classes.

12. Romantic and creative evenings with Wine and Canvas

Perfect for couple who never painted! This is your chance to let your artistic skills shine. It’s all about fun, wine, and togetherness! This is not about technique, although you will get some ideas if you ask the instructors you will learn some. And the bonus: you will take home something you’ve made! With a bottle of wine, some cheese and crackers you will have the best evening date.

Here are some possible venues: Art social, Wine and Canvas, Paint nite, Beyond canvas.

13. Eat, love, cook – cooking class

Bring your ideal date for an evening of courtship in the kitchen. Working alongside your special someone, you’ll discover together how fun and romantic it is to prepare a… San Francisco offer many cooking classes. Most of them provides all the ingredients and equipment, and after you finish cooking, you invite to eat enjoy your own creation. Here are some places to check out – Sur La Table, First class cooking, The city kitchen.

14. Open your senses – Wine class

Wine, love, wine. Do we need to say more? A wine class is a wonderful way to spend an evening together with your dear one. Learn more in depth about making wine, tasting, smelling and sensing. Comfortable environment for wine lovers at all levels.

Classes are usually limited to a little over a dozen at a large dining table.

15. Sexy, hot, and fun!  Salsa / Tango Lessons

Dancing together is another way for the two of you to connect with each other. As you dance together, your eyes meet, your bodies are close together, you can feel one another breathing. Don’t think twice, be sensual! Feel it, move it, love it… Here are some options: Salsa by the bay, Cafe Cocomo, Dance SF, Salsa by Ricardo.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How Do I Not Screw Up This Relationship!

by Carlyn Hudsonin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Let’s just say the last thing I envision saying to my future children about my 20s is, “Ya know, I should have dated more people and partied just a little harder.” 

I spent a lot of time in my early to mid-20s being single. I hung out with my girlfriends like it was my job, focused like crazy on my career, and generally, was selfish AF. I also did a bang-up job of dating people that were far from being right for me (an ex pro skateboarder turned corn maze owner, a divorced father of four, a Jimmy John’s bicycle delivery man and a gaggle of musicians come to mind). Let’s just say the last thing I envision saying to my future children about my 20s is, “Ya know, I should have dated more people and partied just a little harder.”

But something has changed in me in the past year. I shudder to admit this, as I used to be cool and detached (I promise!),  but I finally feel ready for something more. I want to know someone, deeply, and I want to fall so hard that I may not know how to pick up the pieces at the end.

Does that make you want to vomit a little? Okay good, me too.

Here’s the scariest part: I may have actually found a person worth all of that. The first few months of my new relationship have been nothing short of incredible, and for the first time in a really long while I can’t blame any issues on “he’s not right for me,” because I kind of think he is. So now, the biggest question is, how the hell do I not screw this up?

Every single day I’m afraid that I already am, because I always have in the past. I have an aching feeling that it’s too good to be true, that he’ll figure out I’m not as great as he thinks I am, the “real” (aka “bad”) me will come out and run him off, that he’ll realize I’m inherently bad at relationships, or worse, that I’m unlovable.

With that in mind, I did a pretty cool thing last night; I created a problem from nothing. I don’t mean to brag, but, this is an area in which I excel in relationships. I’m kind of amazing at it.

It went down like this. We were drifting off to sleep when I realized we were about to go to bed without having sex, a first for us, and instead of rationalizing that it was a long day, we were exhausted, and ya know, we’re humans and not rabbits, my mind went straight to “He thinks I’m ugly and terrible in bed and he’s already bored of me and OH GOD we’re doomed.”

Naturally, I said something passive agressive, he sensed something was wrong, and I completely shut down. I turned my back to him. I played the “nothing’s wrong, I’m fine” game and pouted quietly until all of sudden I realized what I was doing, and I felt terrible.

Then, a miracle happened. Instead of quietly wallowing in self-loathing, I opened up, and I talked to him. I told him how in past relationships I’d felt rejected in this way and was nervous it’d happen again. I said out loud all of the crazy things in my head, like how I push people away when they get too close, or shut people out when I feel vulnerable, and finally the big one: I’m frightened that I inevitably will or already have screwed this amazing relationship up.

But guess what? Another amazing thing happened. I didn’t scare him away. In fact, he said he felt the same and that he was terrified of ruining everything too.

I hugged him, giddily, and realized in that moment that we’re in this together, and that THIS is how you communicate with a partner. My Goddess! Why had no one told me this before?! You talk these things through *in* the moment, before you’re already distant, or breaking up, and it’s too late.

I know that we still have a long way to go. I have a great deal to learn about being a partner, and communicating, and some long-term relationship veterans may be thinking “But you’re still in the honeymoon phase! Of course it’s going well!” To which I’d say, “That’s right, suckers! It’s awesome.” Trust me, over the course of writing this I’ve already thought of 10 new and innovative ways to push him away, or convince him to run far, far away from me. But there’s one thing I’ve promised this man, and that I’ve made him promise me: If we’re going to screw this up, let it be over something real, and not from being scared.

I’ve spent so much of my adult life building up walls and protecting my heart, and for what? So that I can feel in control? So that I won’t get hurt? Sadly, the only person I’ve hurt in that process is me. I don’t want to hide behind my own bullshit anymore. I want to fall, hard. I want to love, and allow myself to be loved by this person so deeply that no matter what happens, I’ll be forever changed. And you know what? I’m ready.

Long Distance Relationships: Do They Make the Heart Grow Fonder?

by zfortadminin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

…being in a long distance relationship, at least for some amount of time, has become a hallmark of modern dating.

Technology has had a huge impact on how we interact and participate in relationships. This goes double for long distance relationships.

The whole concept of LDRs has taken on new meaning thanks to Skype, FaceTime, and iMessage. To say that these types of relationships are “not what they used to be” would be a major understatement. Being in a long distance relationship for some period of time has become a hallmark of modern dating.

When it comes to long distance dating, there are two prevailing opinions that everyone seems to accept. However, they directly contradict each other.

Opinion 1. Are LDRs risky and destined to fail? Most friends and family will likely tell you this before you ignore them and decide to give it a try anyway.

Opinion 2. Or is there actually some truth behind the old saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder?

What does the research say?

As it turns out, recent research is on the side of LDR believers. A 2013 study published in the Journal of Communication set out to challenge the notion that long distance relationships are inherently less fulfilling and less sustainable than their geographically-close counterpart. The authors of the study, Crystal Jiang and Jeffrey Hancock, found that this type of partnership can actually form stronger bonds, promote deeper communication, and produce greater intimacy than traditional relationships. The reason for this is that long distance couples work harder to communicate affection and intimacy. They generally appreciate each other’s behaviors and actions more.

If this doesn’t convince you, another, more recent study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy last year found that there were no major differences in outcome predictors of long distance relationships and regular ones. This study, which asked participants to assess and measure the levels of intimacy, commitment, communication, and sexual satisfaction in their relationship, among other things, concluded that LDRs are not actually at a disadvantage.

There is no denying that dating long distance can be stressful, challenging, and oftentimes lonely. This doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s not worth trying. With the help of modern technology, it seems that LDR couples are finding more ways than ever to feel close to each other The extra effort and planning this requires actually brings greater rewards. Additionally, may people find that they are more independent and have more time to themselves. At the same time, they still enjoy the emotional benefits of being in a relationship.

However, there is a caveat…

One caveat to these studies is translating the extra effort and newfound emotional satisfaction back to a short-distance relationship. For a long-distance relationship to really work, the “long distance” part must come to an end at some point. When this happens, it may require some serious readjustment. And, unfortunately, more couples break up within the first three months living back in the same place than they do while living apart.

According to Jiang, long distance couples “tended to idealize their partners’ behaviors, perceiving them as more likely to share personal thoughts and feelings and more responsive to their own thoughts.” While this is beneficial during the time apart, the enhancement of positive feelings about the relationship might actually create false expectations about how things will be when the couple reunites. As Jiang explains, “[t]he positive illusion goes away when they spend more time together.”

While LDRs can foster healthy behaviors in each individual and promote optimistic feelings about the strength and value of the relationship, these things ultimately need to exist in the relationship whether it’s long distance or not. As Andrew Merolla, an associate professor of communication theory, sees it, the strength of a long distance relationship depends on the strength of the relationship itself. As such, the outcome of either is likely going to depend on the couple’s ability to find a balance — whether that means creating a little more space when there isn’t enough, or working to make every interaction count when there’s too much.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article