RELATIONSHIPS Archives - Page 13 of 24

6 Reasons Why Fall Sweater Weather Is the Best for Dating

August 27, 2017January 22, 2024 by Ola Faletiin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Get ready to fall into lust.

Where’d summer go? Seems like only yesterday that we were sipping Rosé and crafting our summer bucket lists. Now the days will inevitably shorten and we’ll be taking our coats out of storage (unless you live just south of the equator, lucky devils). Don’t fret your pretty little head just yet. There’s lots to love about fall aside from pumpkin lattés and changing foliage.

As everything else chills, here are six ways your romantic life may do the very opposite.

1. Another term for your fall dating? Cuffing season.

You’re probably familiar with summer flings, but some of us know about a little phenomenon called cuffing season. For those who don’t, cuffing season occurs roughly between the months of October and March as the cold makes everyone want to “cuff” themselves to a seasonal boo. Typically, you cut things off once spring starts to appear, but if you’re lucky your fling may morph into a full-blown romance.

2. Summer expectations lessen.

Earlier this year, did you panic when you realized bikini season was a mere few weeks away? The summer bod anxiety is real. I’ve always had the philosophy that everyone has a bikini body if they a) have a body and b) it’s in a bikini. Nonetheless, the stress to slim down can add some pressure to your summer excitement. You can forget all of that once you pile on the layers. The only person seeing your bikini body is you, or your significant other, or your cuffing season partner who likely doesn’t care; if anything, the extra belly fat will keep you both warm.

3. Sex burns more calories — because of the cold!

Just because you’re not exercising for a summer bod doesn’t mean you won’t get a workout. You know sex burns calories, right? BONUS — so does chilly weather. According to Dutch researchers at Maastricht University, shivering can boost your calorie-burning rate 500 percent! Being mildly cold will still boost your metabolic rate. So if you’re feeling extra frisky, get into some car sex with your car heat off — unless it’s below 32 degrees Fahrenheit, obvi.

4. Less-sweaty sex.

You might find a thrill in writhing in someone’s bed in their apartment with busted air conditioning. Some people are into that, just like some people are into testicle musk. If you’re like me and not keen on either of those things, cold-weather sex may be for you. You can skip all the added perspiration in the fall and winter. You’ll also have more energy. The last thing I want to do when it’s hot and muggy is rub skins with someone else. In several weeks, you’ll be able to romp around and change positions as much as you want. And if you’re unlucky enough to not have the best fall/winter indoor heat, never fear because…

5. Cold is the ultimate intimacy-booster.

Half the fun in sex is cuddling, and I can’t think of a better reason to cuddle up to someone than a bitterly windy day. Or a blizzard. We all know that cuddling naked is the best way to get warm, anyway. Some people claim they’re not “into cuddling,” but when your windows are foggy and getting out of bed means getting cold, non-cuddlers don’t really have a choice do they? During the main act, I’d recommend keeping your socks on. Studies from Dutch researcher Gert Holstege show that socks can increase your chance of the big “O”.

6. More endorphins mean saying goodbye to SAD.

Around 10-20 percent of adults are mildly affected by Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) every year. I get it — just thinking about the winter ahead makes me SAD (ha). One of the many benefits of sex is a major euphoria boost. Orgasms release endorphins, which can help with the general malaise that SAD causes. Endorphins also accompany the release of Oxytocin, also known as the “love hormone.” Oxytocin is responsible for turning you all soft and mushy after-sex, and in need of a good cuddle. It might be something to consider if you’re not trying to “catch feelings,” but there’s not much fun in wearing an emotional suit of armor. So I say embrace it and soak up those happy, gushy hormones.

Summer’s ending, but your love life may be about to begin.

With all these benefits in mind, I’m counting the days ‘til fall and refreshing my dating profiles. I suggest you do the same if you want to be warm for the next six months.

There are ways to have great sex in any season, but did you know time of day matters too? Read on if you’re curious about what times of day we like to get it on.

How to Learn to Love Yourself While Loving Someone Else

August 28, 2017January 22, 2024 by Jillian Pretzelin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

I made all the selfish decisions — I went to the school I wanted to go to and got jobs that took over our together time — but here’s why it made us stronger than ever.

It’s very rare for a couple to stay together through high school, college, and beyond, but my fiancé and I are doing it. After nine years we’re just as strong and happy as ever, planning our wedding in between marathons of Netflix and visits to Chipotle.

Friends will sometimes ask how we managed to stay together. I’ll wink and gesture to my “hot bod” complete with old sweatpants and cheese-stained shirt (when did I even eat cheese?) and I’ll tell them that it’s simple: my fiancé and I have a lot of chemistry, we listen to each other, and we talk often.

But if you, dear reader, really want to know the truth— my special secret, the one magical tactic that has helped me in my relationship, is this: sometimes, I act selfishly.

I know, you’re rolling your eyes and thinking: wow, what great relationship advice. I’m sure all my dates would love to hear that.

But hold on — I’ve been in a relationship for just about nine years, and did the statistically (almost) impossible thing of staying with my high school sweetheart. So I’m practically an expert. (Okay I’m not an expert, but I do have some good advice.) Here’s what I’ve learned.

Growing together while you’re still growing is tough.

Throughout your late teens and twenties, you’ll have to make a lot of big choices. And couples that would otherwise be happy together find themselves going to schools across the country and taking jobs in different states.

It’s unfortunate that the age in which people start to get it together, and start to get real opportunities, is about the same time a lot of people start getting serious with their significant other. And sometimes they have to choose between prioritizing an opportunity, or a relationship.

I’m here to tell you that during this time in your life, you should prioritize “you” over the relationship, because in the long run, it just might keep you two together.

Let me explain with our story. It may sound familiar.

My fiancé and I absolutely could have gone to the same college after high school. I applied to a bunch of schools in the area and got into all of them. (I know, I’m kind of a big deal.) Meanwhile, my future-fiancé had only applied to a couple schools and had just happened to decide to go to the one university we’d both got accepted to. I could have gone to that school to be with him, but I didn’t.

There was another school I absolutely loved. I felt at home at the other college and knew it was the place for me, even if it was an hour away from my boyfriend. It wasn’t exactly across the country, but an hour is a long way away for two eighteen-year-olds.

It was stressful at first, wondering if we could make the relationship work. I was busy with classes, the cheer team, and mock trial Monday through Friday, so we saw each other every weekend. And it made our two days a week together extra special. It was hard, but worked out great.

And then I got offered a job at Disneyland.

He knew it was my dream job and that I really wanted to do it, but I knew that working weekends would mean less time with my boyfriend. Still, I took the job. It was tough, I only saw my boyfriend after or before work on the weekends. But we made it work. I loved working at Disney, and I even continued working there after college.

Those were two of the biggest decisions I had to make that I knew would affect my relationship, not to mention other decisions like going on trips with friends and taking extra classes in the summer, sacrificing time with my boyfriend to better myself and improve my friendships.

And it all ended up great. Here’s why.

When you learn to love yourself, you prioritize your development, not just you.

First of all, by putting myself first I became a better, smarter, happier person. It’s the old “help yourself to help others” mentality that encouraged me to go to the school where I knew I’d have the most opportunities to grow. And by taking the job at Disneyland, I improved my résumé; I made new friends and learned new skills.

These choices made me a more well-rounded person and a better partner, something my fiancé deserves.

But it also helped us in another way. If I had chosen to spend more time with him, rather than pursue new jobs and schools, I think I would have eventually become resentful. Maybe not soon, but when I got older and started looking back, I might have wished I’d spent more time in my early twenties to find out what I was good at, to make friends, and try new activities.

It’s also a way to practice compromise, fairness, and encouragement — all crucial parts of a relationship.

At the time, it was really hard to make decisions that I knew would take time away from seeing my boyfriend, decisions I knew could cause the relationship to fizzle out. But I forced myself to do things, knowing that if we did stay together, I didn’t want to blame him for missing out on something. I wanted to be able to look back and be proud of my accomplishments as well as our relationship.

And finally, my commitments and busy schedule gave my fiancé an opportunity to show how supportive he could be. He moved things around and accommodated me so that I could pursue my dreams, and it showed me what a great partner he would be in the long run.

Every time he encouraged me to try out for a school play or told me to have fun going out to dinner with friends instead of staying in with him, it made me realize how lucky I was to have someone who genuinely cared about my growth and interests.

The couple that grows together, stays together.

Sure, maybe we missed out on opportunities to spend some time together during college, but we made some amazing memories in the time we did have. And maybe I could have passed on some opportunities, but I wouldn’t be the person I am today without the things I’ve done, and what I’ve learned. And the same is true for my fiancé. In the end, I’m so happy we made time for ourselves when we needed it most, and now we’ll have the rest of our lives to be with each other.

Every relationship is different, but what I learned is that if you focus on improving yourself and doing things that make you happy, you’re sure to make a better partner. And in the end, you might just get a stronger relationship out of it.

If you’re looking for other articles about creating a lasting relationship, check out this story about waiting to get married or this one about communicating about sex.

Being Alone Doesn’t Have To Be A Prison Sentence

August 29, 2017January 22, 2024 by Ola Faletiin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Love is a many-splendored (and multifaceted) thing. But unrealistic definitions of it are really to blame if you’re single and sad.

I’m a card-carrying member of the singles club. The combined time I’ve spent in a relationship is about a year. I’m only 25 so it’s not a massive deal, but it is real. In my lonelier months, it sucks to be in “Couplesville,” which can seem to be any and everywhere. Like many millennials, I am an avid googler, and occasionally “I’m single and sad” will be a frequent search result.

I’m not alone; more people are living the single life than ever. The US Census Bureau reported 107 million single adults in 2015, about 45 percent of the US adult population. That’s a sharp jump from 1950, when married adults outnumbered single folks by nearly double.

There are a number of possibilities to explain why this is. We live in a less conservative America now. Women have more economic and professional autonomy. But could it also be that our ideas on love are changing?

The kind of love we often see in media is simply not real.

However, less Americans getting married doesn’t mean that our deep-seeded, cultural ideas about love disappear overnight. Giants like Disney sell us the song-and-dance of romance, skimming around the fact that romantic love as we sell it isn’t accessible for everybody. And cultural norms often make it much tougher for anyone seen as not conventionally attractive (which includes but is not limited to people who have physical disabilities, are overweight, subvert gender binaries, aren’t light-skinned or thin) in their quest for a life partner.

But love is hardly impossible, especially if we broaden its definition.

Deep friendships can be just as rewarding.

Women like Diane Keaton, Condoleezza Rice, and Shonda Rhimes are proof of a robust life sans partner. They have their various reasons for singledom of course, but I’m positive they’ve reaped the benefits of platonic love. We all have.

The first love we ever experience is within the family. Then after the family, within friendships. Do you remember your first friend? Back when the only expectations you had were to see each other semi-regularly and share toys? As feminist scholar bell hooks says her book, in All About Love, “…friendship is the place in which a great majority of us have our first glimpse of redemptive love and caring community. Learning to love in friendships empowers us in ways that enable us to bring this love to other interactions with family or with romantic bonds.”

Friendship love is long-lasting and more flexible than typical romance. You’d be hard-pressed to love someone halfway across the world, who you only contact via email and Skype, and maybe see 2-5 times a year and make it work romantically. On the other hand, I have several friendships that ascribe to the above factors.

It doesn’t mean children are out of the equation.

Platonic love has that extra give, where jealousy, anger and expectations are tempered. No wonder “platonic parenting” is gaining popularity, where two or more people are raising a child together without a romantic relationship between the parents.

Of course, raising children outside of a two-parent, heteronormative relationship is nothing new or even particularly unique. In medieval Europe communal living was the norm; households often included widows, orphans, widows and friends in addition to parents with children. In an Israeli kibbutz, multiple families live communally, and children are raised together by a female caretaker. While not the norm among Israelis, kibbutzim has nonetheless existed for over a century.

This year, I visited a good friend of mine in New Mexico. They were part of a tight-knit and loving queer community, one where a pregnant woman could leave her partner and still know that her child would be cared for by a tribe of people. And now, that child is well-cared for by many members of that chosen family.

Love is love… even when it isn’t romantic.

Our meatiest feelings shouldn’t just be reserved for the romantic loves of our lives. It should be reserved for the people who make us feel most loved and most whole. Our friends, our blood family, our pets, and whoever else falls into that category.

For another look into an alternative view on love, check out this story about taking a “relationship hiatus.”

How to Pick and Choose the Wedding Advice That Works For You

September 1, 2017January 22, 2024 by Jillian Pretzelin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

5 tips on how to find good wedding advice — and when to stick your fingers in your ears.

When you get engaged, everyone wants to give you all kinds of advice. Some of them will even straight-up tell you what to do. I can’t count how many times I’ve heard “you can’t wear a tea length dress” or “you need to get married in Spring” or “I know exactly how you need to do your hair.”

It made me want to scream.

And unfortunately, the stuff you don’t want to listen to can drown out the actual, good wedding advice that you might be lucky enough to get. Here are some things I’ve learned about the dreaded “two cents” and what to do with it.

First, do not punch your friends in the face.

Lol…but really. After the 30th “great flower guy” recommended to you, you’ll never want to hear about roses again. I guarantee it. But remember that you’re going to be really stressed out about planning a wedding, and if it weren’t for this stressful time, you might not be so upset when your friend says something you’ve heard before. Remember that you actually like these people in real life. You don’t want to risk losing a friend or starting a fight over something that is probably coming from a good place.

Instead, no matter how ridiculous the suggestion, just thank them and tell them you’ll consider it. Every. Damn. Time. Most of your family and friends will feel happy with this answer. And they’ll feel satisfied in thinking you’re listening to them.

It’ll be hard, at first, to get into the habit, but you can practice in your mirror until it’s second nature. Practice it on your dog, the friend you haven’t seen since college, even the guy at the car repair shop. They say, “You should probably change your oil once in awhile.” You say, “Thank you so much for your help, we’ll take that into consideration.” Good job!

Write it down anyway.

When Cousin Suzy gives you the name of her roommate, who (apparently) is an amazing photographer, you might want to toss it. Hiring her might sound like the bad idea and, besides, you might already have your photographer set up.

But, when someone gives you a card or makes a suggestion, keep a list. You never know — a list of “back ups” might come in handy. What if the venue has a fire a month before the wedding or the perfect bakery goes under? Last minute, you could have a list of people to call, which is especially handy if it’s full of people like your cousin’s roommate, because maybe they’ll pull last minute strings for a friend of a friend.

Plus, a list of recommended vendors could be good just in case you change your mind. Maybe you were dead set against serving cupcakes until your fiancé pulls one of those last-minute, “wouldn’t it be great if we had cupcakes?” Don’t panic, because you have the number of a great cupcake bakery you got from Aunt Carol!

Don’t trust anyone with old information.

Be careful not to get too excited about a seemingly perfect recommendation. I’ve gotten heart-set-on-it, gotta-have-it, excited over venues that had been closed for ten years, and dress shops that are now banks. If the people you’re talking to have old information, you’re bound to get disappointed.

This is especially true when they start pulling out prices. You might think you found a gem when you hear about some cake shop that sells a three-layer cake for double digits, but if that bakery is still open, prepare to find that it’s been hit with inflation, just like everywhere else.

A good rule of thumb is four years: any wedding advice older than that and you’ll want to start Google-ing first.

Think about the messenger and not just the message.

If the suggestion is from your mom, and she thinks it’s really, REALLY important to have yellow flower centerpieces instead of blue, you might actually want to take it into consideration. Even if that’s not what you were thinking, throwing your parents (or whoever is important to you) one or two things will make them feel special, and it will mean a lot to them later.

On the other hand, feel free to brush off the ideas your weird cousin Alan offers. Don’t bend over backwards to please people if you don’t care what they think.

Remember, a good wedding is a wedding of your choosing.

You and your future spouse are in charge. It’s a whole day just for the two of you, and you’ll want it to come from your hearts. When you’re choosing between venues, or flower arrangements, or menus, try to think of what best represents you. If you’re a laid-back couple, don’t be afraid to serve nachos and burritos in your backyard. If you two are bold and adventurous, don’t hesitate to make it a destination wedding. Good wedding advice may just come from within yourselves.

At the end of the day, you’ll want something that you both love, and something that represents you as a couple. And following the above tips may help guide you — or someone you love — on how to handle it through the planning of your special day.

For more interesting perspectives on modern marriage, check out this comparison of the expectations vs. the reality of marriage, how to determine whether you’re in a real partnership, or this story about a couple who waited longer than their friends to get hitched.

11 Relationship Problems That Might Be Sabotaging Your Love Life

September 9, 2017January 22, 2024 by Becca Martinin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Here are 11 common relationship problems and how you can improve them.

Relationships go through rough patches — it’s inevitable. But if you feel like your relationships almost always end in dismay or you’re constantly fighting over the same thing, one of the following issues may be the cause.

Here are some common relationship problems that might be at the root of your issues, as well as tips on how to solve them taken from my own personal experiences, friends experiences, and lots of editing I’ve done for expert relationship coaches and therapists.

1. You’re more focused on being right than being in love.

Relationships aren’t about egos, they’re the place where you can be completely yourself. I once had to listen to my friend and her boyfriend fight over a right and left turn. She was right about the turn and he was wrong, but she wouldn’t let it go causing him to get angry. This made it a miserable ride for everyone.

You shouldn’t get so caught up in being right that you won’t let things go. It’s more important to be happy than right, and it’s important to acknowledge that everyone gets things wrong from time to time.

Next time you find yourself in a situation like this take a step back and think about what’s more important. Your ego screaming “I’m right!” or just letting it slide (as long as it’s not a HUGE issue) and being happy. Remember: don’t sweat the small stuff, because it’s only small stuff.

2.You pick apart every little thing your partner does.

Everyone has pet peeves but you have to realize you can’t change someone. You fell in love with who they are, not who you want them to be. Constantly picking and nagging at everything they do will just lead them to be angry or feel worthless.

If you don’t like something they’re doing, try sitting them down and having an in-depth conversation about how you’re feeling. Approach the issue together instead of attacking.

3. You’re not prioritizing your partner’s needs.

Your needs are important but when you’re in a relationship your partner’s needs are just as important. You have to make sure you’re making them feel heard and paying attention to their needs. After all, you want them to do the same for you!

4. You’re focusing on the negatives, or what you don’t have.

No relationship is perfect – not even the #relationshipgoals couples on Instagram. Everyone struggles, fights and has their own problems to work through. It’s so important to focus on all that you do have instead of all you don’t have.

I wanted nothing more than to go on a trip with a guy I dated in the past — but I had the money and he didn’t. I couldn’t change his financial situation and I couldn’t afford to pay for us both to go. So instead, we went on a day trip together and it ended up being a lot cheaper and less stressful.

5. You’re making everything about you and taking things to heart.

We’re all human, it’s very easy to feel attacked or feel defensive. Instead of taking everything to heart, talk it out. Tell your partner what they said or did that hurt you, and how it made you feel.

One of my good friends hates that her boyfriend goes out all the time because she says when he gets drunk he gets mean. She would bottle up her emotions and pretend everything was okay, while he kept doing it over and over again. But when she finally told him that it was really upsetting her, he started changing his habit.

It’s better to have a calm conversation than to just blow up or become guarded. No one can read minds. If something is bothering you, it’s wise to just talk about it.

6. You’re not allowing each other the time to speak honestly.

Honesty is key in a relationship. You have to create a space where you can openly talk to each other about your problems, concerns, and emotions. You shouldn’t feel intimidated when confronting your partner about something that’s bothering you, and they shouldn’t feel that way either.

My guy friend had this problem with his girlfriend. He felt like she wasn’t appreciating him enough and that his attention wasn’t doing it for her. He was scared that she might leave. When he finally put his heart out there and expressed his concerns, it turned out that she didn’t even realize she was hurting him this way. They made a safe space for communication and worked through all the kinks.

7. You’re not growing together.

Things might not be working out anymore because you’ve grown separately and one may feel as if the other person is holding them back or dragging them down. Everyone grows at a different pace and in different ways. The things you were interested in a year ago might be different than what you’re interested in now.

My best friend and her ex bought a house together, but as time went on they realized they were turning into two completely different people. She wanted to go out to experience life while he was content with staying home on the computer. It ended up driving them apart. It wasn’t anything either of them did — they just started growing in their own ways.

Neither of you are at fault for the way you change, but it’s important to realize that you can outgrow people.

8. You’re constantly jealous or aggravated when your partner does something without you.

If you enjoy spending time with your partner, you’re likely in a great relationship. But if you’re feeling possessive about your partner’s time, take a pause. You have to allow each other time to spend with friends and other people you care about.

I have a lot of friends who do not trust their boyfriends to go out without them. They stay up worrying where they are and who they’re with and what they’re doing. They hate when their significant other goes out without them and that makes their entire relationship rocky.

Consider how a little bit of space keeps relationships healthy. Be careful not to begrudge your partner or yourself of that time, because it can only make you resentful.

9. You have unrealistic expectations.

Having expectations and standards are fine. In fact, they’re encouraged! But they have to be realistic. Our lives are not like the movies — things don’t always play out in a romantic, happy ending.

There probably won’t be someone throwing rocks at your window if you get in a fight. Don’t compare yourself and your relationship to everything you see on social media or in movies. Often times, people only show the good stuff; it’s rare that people show the bad.

Don’t put too much pressure and expectations on your partner, especially when you know they can’t reach those expectations. Don’t expect them to buy you an expensive bag or book a trip to Europe when you know they have a lot of other expenses to pay. Don’t get so wrapped up in material items that you overlook the little things they do for you, like open the door or tell you that you look beautiful. Sometimes the simple things are the best things.

10. You try to control every situation.

Things won’t always go as planned. Maybe you booked a trip somewhere together and the traffic sucks or you missed your flight and now have a long layover. Don’t get so worked up about missing the flight that you can’t see the next one.

One time, I was supposed to have a great dinner with a guy I was seeing, but he had a bad day at work (something out of his control). Instead of letting it go, he carried that anger with him into our date. It ended up putting me in a bad mood and made me want nothing more than to go home, alone. He took his frustration out on me and it ruined the night for both of us.

It’s good to remember that sometimes there’s nothing in your power to change bad things from happening and let it go. It’s not your partner’s fault that things didn’t go as planned, so don’t allow yourself to take your frustration out on them.

11. You let past trauma affect your current relationship.

Everyone has gone through trauma in their lives in some way. No one is exempt from struggle or pain but at some point you have to let that go.

Maybe you grew up in a broken household but your current partner is trying to show you how much they want to be there. You have to trust them and let them at some point instead of continuously trying to push them away or find something wrong with them. Believing that “everyone leaves” is almost too easy. It will make you guarded instead of opening your heart and allowing yourself to feel and be vulnerable.

Hurt people hurt people — and you don’t want to be that person. No relationship is the same and the way your last relationship hurt you isn’t a prediction for your current relationship. Don’t let your previous trauma keep hurting you because what’s in the past is in the past.

These common relationship problems are just that — common.

Love, relationships and dating can be confusing and challenging but everyone goes through them. These tips can help you put things into perspective next time you start to feel aggravated with love.

Looking for more tips? Read on to find out why dating is so particularly complicated right now, as well as how to tap into your intuition when searching for love.

Why The Video Of A Little Girl Meeting Gal Gadot Is Everything

September 13, 2017January 22, 2024 by Jillian Pretzelin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

When this young fan met Gal Gadot (a.k.a. Wonder Woman), she reminded all of us how we need strong feminist role models.

In case you’ve missed it — there is a video of the fabulous Gal Gadot meeting a young Wonder Woman fan, and I have only watched it 4,845 times.

Okay, okay, maybe not THAT many times, but I have hit the repeat button a lot. It’s so heartwarming that I see myself coming home from long, hard days and watching this video to make me feel better. Move over Lil Bub the cat, I’ve found my new feel-good, cure-all Youtube video.

Check it out, and then continue reading below:

I can’t help but grab at my heart when the little girl cries and the actress comforts her, saying in a strong, but gentle, tone that she doesn’t need to cry, because “here we are together.” No Youtube video featuring a kitten, baby, or sloth even competes with how I feel when I watch this one. It’s absolutely precious.

But it’s funny that I should feel so connected to this video as, truthfully, I see interactions like this all the time.

I live in Southern California, smack dab between theme parks where kids can meet their cartoon heros, and Los Angeles, where fans often catch glimpses of their favorite actors, athletes, or musicians.

I used to work at a news station where we had guest celebrities every morning. News writers and interns would stand in the hallway outside the studio, nervously waiting to get a picture with their favorite Boy Meets World or Sex and the City star, and try to act cool when they told their favorite celebrity how much they loved their last movie.

At Disneyland, I’ve also seen kids get similarly excited to see characters like Sleeping Beauty or other Disney princesses. Little girls’ faces light up so bright you’d think the fireworks were early when they get to give Cinderella a hug. It’s absolutely magical.

But somehow, it’s not the same as this little girl meeting Gal Gadot.

Maybe that little girl in the video has the same response, or same amount of joy, as some of the girls meeting Cinderella. Kids are going to get excited when they meet someone they’ve seen in a movie or on TV.

But this interaction affects me differently. It just so happens that this movie star represents so much to me.

When I was growing up, girls were often shown mostly princess movies. Sure, there are some amazing, strong, female cartoon characters. I loved Pocahontas and Anastasia — both featuring headstrong, title-character women. But a lot of the movies I saw and shows I watched after school were about girls or women dreaming of getting married or having a boyfriend, what they were going to wear or what their hair looked like.

The amount of movies we had that featured strong, independent women, or films that even passed the Bechdel test, used to be infrequent. Now, that’s changing.

I’m not sure if Wonder Woman’s massive success was exactly the turning point for everyone — the point where you realize that women can really do anything, that the world is wide open. But I do think that the success of the film acted as a validation of women’s abilities that many people were craving, and it came just when we needed it.

Sure, we’ve had a lot of great films with strong female characters recently: Ghostbusters, the new Star Wars films, Moana, and others. But with Wonder Woman, we got a woman-directed film about a powerful, kind, selfless female superhero with a gross profit that was not only on par with, but often beating, the male-equivalent big-budget superhero films. This was huge.

But it’s so much more than profits and comparisons.

Wonder Woman gave us a female hero that we could associate with strength, kindness, and power.

And if that wasn’t enough, it provided a role model for our kids that they can watch on DVD every day if they want to. I love the idea that kids these days can grow up seeing more movies with women fighting for justice than fighting over a boyfriend.

I’ve seen the eyes of little girls light up when they met their favorite princess. I’ve seen teen girls beg for autographs from their favorite models or glamorous movie stars. But I hardly ever get to see little girls get excited to meet a hero who’s also my idol. A hero that we, as women, and as people, can all look up to.

For more reading on independent women, check out this interesting article that explores what independent women are saying “no” to, or this article about how to be autonomous while in love.

5 Hopeful Dating Tips, From A Woman Who Finally Found Love

September 14, 2017January 22, 2024 by Kelley Lynnin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Finding dating tips for women can seem easy, but what really works? Take these five pieces of dating advice from a woman who’s seen it all.

When I got married to my very best friend at age 35, I never in a million years imagined that just a few short years later, I would be in the dating world again to see if I could have a second chance at love.

But when I was 39 years old, life threw me a gigantic curve-ball. My beautiful husband left for work one morning, and never came home. They found him collapsed on the floor. A massive heart attack. His short life was over at age 46, and my life would never be the same again.

It would take me almost 4 years to begin dating again. After an initial rocky relationship fizzled, I jumped onto the dating sites and started searching. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I had no clue. I just knew that I wanted love again, because love is really everything.

I kept trying, but I kept finding men that were emotionally unavailable to me. Or who lied to me. Or who claimed to be divorced but were actually married. Or who would tell me they loved me and tell me how beautiful and funny and amazing I am, and then disappear without a trace or explanation. Or who were really good at making out in their car with me, but much better at not keeping promises or keeping their word.

I dated and dated and dated. I got my heart broken several times. But I kept trying.

And then, about 2 months ago, it happened. I met my next great love story.

We are insanely happy together, and I have become one of those annoying people who everyone hates because I am giddy in love. We are that couple that people roll their eyes at, and yell: “Yuck! Get a room!”

We are blissfully joyful, and very aware that life can change in a split second. I never thought I would fall in love a second time, and that it could be so magical, a second time. But I did. And I am.

I was there for almost three years in the dating world, and I know how challenging it can be, and how much you just want to hang it all up and say: “No more.” So before you do that, please take a few minutes to read these five hopeful dating tips. And then get out there and find your next great love story.

1. Accept that not every guy will like you.

There are lots of single men out there, and lots of single women. There will be plenty of men who you just don’t connect with. There will be guys that find you abrupt, or too tall, or too fat, or not enough fat, or too much personality, or not enough personality, or who hate your laugh, or who don’t like the annoying way you breathe in and out.

Please do not take ANY of it personally. This is easier said than done, of course, but if you can find a way to know this upfront, and not let yourself get upset or depressed everytime you go on a date that doesn’t work out, you will save yourself a TON of heartache. Trust me on this.

During my first month on the dating sites, I had a date that was pleasant but it was clear there was no real connection. The next day, I texted him to politely thank him for the date. He responded by texting back: “We will not be going out again. I don’t date fat girls, and you are fat. You don’t look fat in your profile picture, but you are fat in person.” After I got done crying for an hour and denouncing all men forever, I texted him back: “Thank you for that lovely text message. It’s funny that you say I don’t look fat in my pictures. You don’t look like an asshole in your pictures, but clearly, you are indeed an asshole. Enjoy your future dates.”

Don’t waste any time trying to figure out why someone doesn’t like you or find you attractive, or analyzing to death why you didn’t get asked out on a second date. It’s a numbers game, and the answer to the “why” is always the same: he just wasn’t the one for you. If you can keep repeating that to yourself during the dating process, you will have a much better time.

2. Remember that dating should feel fun.

When I first started my path into the dating world, I was enjoying myself. Then somewhere between month five and year two, I began to lose my stamina. It felt so robotic and pointless. It’s easy to feel this way. Dating is exhausting and stressful. But it really shouldn’t have to be.

So if this starts happening to you, take a break. Put your dating site profiles on hold, or tell your friends to stop setting you up with folks for awhile, because you are “on hiatus” and need a break. Then, when you are ready and not feeling like you’d rather poke your eyeballs out with multiple forks rather than go on one more stupid date, get back into saddle and start thinking about what looks good for lunch.

Dating isn’t supposed to be painful. It shouldn’t feel like going to the dentist or like a series of job interviews. And yes, believe me, I know it’s hard to think in terms of “fun” when you are out with “here’s another boring story about my super boring job” guy. Or “I know I told you I was divorced, but what I meant to say was not entirely separated, and by the way, my wife and I still live together, so really, I’m kind of just a married dude looking for a side piece” guy.

When faced with men such as this, “fun” is the last thing you are thinking about it. But remember what was said above — this is a numbers game. So while you will go out with some real duds that aren’t really worth your time, you will also meet some truly lovely and genuine people. In my time spent in the dating world, I ended up on a few first or second dates with guys, that, for different reasons, things just didn’t work out between us. But we remained friends. I had lots of laughs and lots of fun with some truly quality men. And you will too.

My advice for a first date? Keep it short, or at least PLAN it short. Dinner can feel too stressful and too long, if you’re stuck with someone you don’t want to be with. Meeting for coffee or lunch is great because if there is an obvious connection, you can mutually decide to extend the date and go somewhere else afterwards. And if there isn’t, then you’re only out one cup of coffee. Keep things light. Try and laugh. Have a good time.

3. Take each date for what it is — a date.

There were lots of times when I thought a first date went very well, only to be blown off afterwards, or not asked out for a second date. I would think to myself, “What happened? What did I do wrong? Why didn’t he like me? I thought this was really going somewhere.”

Many times, I got so lost inside of my own expectations and perception of what was happening, that I wasn’t really seeing things through my date’s eyes. I don’t know why that one guy never called me. I don’t know why I wasn’t asked out again. There could be a variety of reasons. But the bottom line is this: it was just one date. He has no obligation or responsibility to take it any further, unless he has the desire to do so.

Sure, the way that some guys handle how they end things with a woman is extremely sucky, but it doesn’t change the fact that they have no obligation to go forward. And if someone has decided they don’t want to go forward with you, then why would you spend even one more minute of your energy on thinking about them?

It’s a date — not a lifetime commitment. An opportunity to meet and talk with someone new. That’s it. Look at all your dates that way, with that simplicity, and you will start to let go of any pre-conceived or unfair expectations.

4. Make a list to define your needs, wants, and deal-breakers.

After a couple of years of off and on dating, and a few non-lasting relationships, I started to notice a pattern. I kept ending up with men who were, in one way or another, emotionally unavailable to me. Not mature enough for love. Not ready for love. Still hung up on their ex-wife or girlfriend. Dating me with half their heart, waiting for something better to come along.

One day, a good friend of mine — who happens to also be a widower who has recently found love again and is now remarried — gave me some excellent dating advice. He told me to make a list that has 3 categories:

Things You Want In a Partner
Things You Require In a Partner
Things That Are Deal-breakers For You

For example, one thing on my “Want List” was that I love men who have a passion for food and like to cook. It’s not mandatory, but I like that. Something on my “Deal-breaker List” was anyone who is violent or abusive in any way, emotionally or physically. I have been sexually assaulted and manipulated in my past, so it is imperative that I feel 100% safe and protected around my partner. Something that was on my “Require” list was someone that would understand that I will love and honor my late husband forever, and that he will always be a piece of me, and I need a partner who isn’t threatened by that.

After the list has been made, my friend then told me the important part: “Now, if you want to keep dating people just to date and to get the experience of dating, then every guy you meet does not have to fit everything on your list. However, if you want to find love, and that is your goal, then you need to decide to never again date anyone who doesn’t fit every single requirement on your list.”

I made my list back in April. By June, I met my new love. When you know what you truly want, and you put it out there, it will come to you when the time is right.

5. Never change yourself for anyone else.

This could be the most important piece of advice, not just for dating, but in life. It is very easy to feel insecure or to compare yourself to others, when dating. When you get rejected, it’s easy to feel like there must be something wrong with you. Please know there is nothing wrong with you. Please know that every single thing that makes you who you are, is the exact reason that your person, will be in love with you.

If you lose yourself in the process of dating, then your person will never find you. Never lose yourself. The person who loves you, will do so unconditionally, and will adore every aspect of you.

And the truth is, once you are comfortable inside of yourself and in your own skin, that energy becomes contagious, and that Is when the one who is perfect for you, will be waiting, just around the corner.

With these five dating tips in mind, you’ll be well on your way to your next great love story.

Whether you are a widowed person yourself (like me), or a divorcee, or maybe simply a single woman who is still searching for that perfect someone for you, I hope this friendly advice can help. I’ve been there. And I truly believe that you can find love again, too. Happy dating!

For more great advice, check out how dating is more complicated now than ever — and even so, why it’s still worth it.

Could The Eclipse Still Have An Effect On Your Relationship?

September 20, 2017January 22, 2024 by Meg Scanlonin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

The planets and solar eclipse may affect our love lives here on earth. Here’s how.

On August 21, 2017, we experienced a very rare and very cool natural phenomenon: a solar eclipse. Hopefully, you went out there at the designated time for your city and put on your NASA approved solar shades. Or maybe you made a homemade viewing device out of cereal boxes or tin foil and caught a glimpse of this amazing moment.

But, did you know that astrologists believe that this event can have a major impact on your personal life and relationships? Maybe you experienced some of this solar eclipse astrology first hand? Was it good, bad, or ugly? Maybe all three?

But first — here’s how to think about astrology.

We all know our sign. We may even ask people what their sign is (although hopefully not as a cheesy pick up line). But what does it really mean? Is it really a player in our everyday lives?

According to astrology, our individual birth dates profoundly impact who we are. CafeAstrology.com explains it as, “the study of the correlation between the astronomical positions of the planets and events on earth.” It’s the energetic connection between all things.

For those who use horoscopes, they see it as about knowing yourself from a specific sense and using that information to live your best life. “[Understanding ourselves] and others through the astrological lens makes us more capable of healing, compassion and forgiveness” says AstrologyHub.com. “And a deep understanding of your basic blueprint gives you permission to express, with uncensored abandon, your unique gifts and talents in the world.”

Astrology is more than just horoscopes, however — it has a long history. Astrologer and journalist Donna Woodwell expresses, “Astrology is a vast and ancient art. Some form of astrology is practiced by many indigenous cultures around the world as they’ve sought to discover meaningful connections in the appearance of events in the sky with humanity’s more mundane world.” When you view it through this sense, it is a very cool metaphor for our connection to nature and the cosmos.

Solar eclipse astrology is known to bring about change and shake things up in our lives.

Donna Woodwell explains that “eclipses are all about working with shadows. A solar eclipse is literally the Moon’s shadow falling on the surface of the Earth. Metaphorically speaking, eclipses then are moments when we must face our individual and collective shadow, to allow us to find healing through a new level of understanding.”

Wow! This is getting real! Relationships can be our greatest teachers. They can mirror back to us what we may be too fearful to look inside and see within. They can bring light to our biggest fears and unhealed emotional wounds. Eclipses are about change and moving us forward. They are often a major turning point for us. They bring the truth out into the light.

Eclipses are seen as bringing big life events with them.

Astrologer Susan Miller states, “An eclipse can bring news of a birth of a baby, an engagement or marriage, a promotion or career breakthrough, important travel, the signing of a vital business contract, or the start of one’s own business.” She adds, “Monumental events, meetings and partings, or changes within your career may also take place at an eclipse.”

Solar eclipses bring about positive changes and beginnings. So look out for positive steps forward in a relationship, new career opportunities and other new adventures.

An important person may be literally “eclipsed” out of your life.

Susan Miller explains, “A solar eclipse generally points to a prominent male in your life, so often a man may leave. If you are to be affected, you may break up a relationship with a man, or see that your boss has quit and is leaving, as another example.”

The symbolism! Now that your heart is racing, here’s some relief — Miller says that it only happens occasionally. So while not highly likely, you should be aware that the change that comes could possibly be of the painful variety. And sometimes people being eclipsed out of our lives is a necessary, albeit difficult, change.

Eclipses don’t affect everyone the same, and for some it may be ongoing.

Susan Miller explains that not all of these changes will affect every person. She goes into the details here. The specifics have to do with your birthdate, sign, personal chart, and other factors.

So, too, will the timeline of effects be different for everyone. Maharani Rutan, a certified Vedic Reader, says “it is often noted that things which happen, focusing around the eclipse do not happen on the day of the eclipse, but could reasonably happen months later as triggers of other events or planetary changes interacting with changes.”

So keep on the lookout for these happenings in your life and relationships. Maybe you noticed things on the day, a few days later, or maybe some surprises are still to come!

For more reading on our astrological love lives, check out “Time for Feathers?! Date Ideas for the Chinese Year of the Rooster” or “7 Rules For Tapping Your Intuition in Love.”

The Herpes Paradox: Is Dating Someone With Herpes That Big Of A Deal?

September 21, 2017January 22, 2024 by Virginia Jonesin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Chances are, you’ve dated or are dating someone with herpes. Here’s what you should know.

I have several friends with herpes. Everyone does. The CDC reported that as many as 15 percent of Americans between 14-49 have HSV2, which can present as breakouts below the waist. And the World Health Organization estimates that two out of three people in the world have HSV1, which create what are commonly called “cold sores” around the mouth.

One of my friends who has HSV2 pointed out the “herpes dating paradox” to me. Because it’s so common, odds are good that any adult who has had multiple sexual partners has dated or is dating someone with herpes — but my friend says every time she discloses her status to someone she’s dating, they blanch and run away, insisting that they’ve never met another person with the disease.

How could this be?

Many people with herpes don’t show symptoms.

One component is that most people are asymptomatic. Which means, according to the CDC, 87 percent of people don’t know they have it. The test for herpes is more expensive than other STI tests, so it’s usually not included in an STI check unless there are symptoms pointing to it. Combine these two things and you get infected people who don’t find out they’re infected, and then they spread it to other people.

So, although 15 percent of the population has HSV2, perhaps only a fourth of the people that have it know that they do. It’s like there are two populations at work — the known, and the unknown.

Another paradox is that people have very different opinions of HSV1 and HSV2.

It’s true even though the viruses behave similarly but just in different locations: an HSV1 virus usually expresses on the face, and an HSV2 usually expresses down south.

I have HSV1 and have no shame about it whatever. I have never had an outbreak, and I assume I got it sometime in childhood. When my marriage ended with my husband’s infidelity, I was scared that I might have gotten something, so I had a full STI workup. When I got the results, my sister read them to me because I was too nervous.

“Well, you’ve got herpes!” she told me, with a touch too much excitement.

“No, I don’t… do I?”

“Well, you’ve got type 1.”

“Oh jeez, everyone has that!” I exclaimed.

I was relieved it wasn’t the “bad” kind, and a little annoyed that she wound me up about it. I’ve thought about it very little since, seeing as (I’ll say it again) at least 60 percent of the world’s population has HSV1.

But people with “type 2” can feel shame, worthlessness, and undesired — even though it’s essentially the same disease.

I wanted to know how people with herpes really feel, since we hardly hear from them. So I set up a poll.

I distributed a brief anonymous survey among people in my friends group to get a feeling for what their experiences were like living with, and dating with, herpes.

Most respondents contracted it in their late 20s and early 30s from boyfriends and girlfriends, which is statistically consistent with the rest of America. Half of respondents said it doesn’t really affect their love life at all, but half said there’s been some effect — and several reported feeling a lot of shame, saying:

“Every time I tell someone I have it, they act like they’ve never heard of it before, like I invented it.”

“The virus doesn’t bother me. The stigma does.”

“I think women aren’t honest about it with partners — when I mention it, every girlfriend I know confides that she also has it. Going by my experiences alone, it looks like 70 percent of all people have herpes.”

“Pretty much everyone has it.”

“I always tell my partners before we have sex, and thus far nobody has declined sexual relations.”

They experience outbreaks anywhere from once a year to once a month, with some outbreaks linked to stress. Eighty percent of respondents said they practiced safer sex with their partners to avoid transmission, and 90 percent of them disclose their status to every sex partner, although one person said mysteriously that it “depends on the circumstances.”

Herpes has a lot of associations with promiscuity or infidelity, but most of my respondents got it from a serious partner — some of whom may not have known they had it.

Every respondent said the worst thing was not the disease itself, but the stigma attached to it.

According to the CDC, w omen get herpes more than men (20 percent compared to 10 percent). We’re just built for more transmissions that occur through moist tissue. Women are already shamed for being promiscuous or sexual, so it only makes sense that something more women have would also be shameful, and thought of as being a sign of promiscuity or unfaithfulness.

For most people, it’s just an annoying skin infection. But combine the facts that it’s more common for women, it’s essentially harmless, and it’s seemingly ubiquitous — somewhere along the line, it became a disease that it was acceptable to joke about! This may increase those shameful feelings but, as you can see, there’s no need to feel ashamed.

Herpes is prevalent, but not dangerous. It’s really pretty harmless.

If you’re dating someone with herpes or if you found out that you have HSV2, educate yourself and your partner, look at suppressants like Valtrex, and know that you are far from alone and that it’s not a big deal.

And if you don’t have herpes, consider not joking about it, or speaking glibly about it — in any room where there are more than six people, someone is bound to have it.

Want more reading about sexual health? Check out this story about HPV or some tips on how to tell your partner if you have an STD.

How Getting Cancer In My 30s Taught Me How to Date

September 22, 2017January 22, 2024 by Maya Gottfriedin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

When I was diagnosed with colorectal cancer in my 30s, it immediately and completely changed every aspect of my life.

Within a week I had left a job that I loved, time hanging out in cafés turned into hours spent in doctors’ waiting rooms, and instead of thinking about what outfit I would wear out on Saturday night I was 100% focused on how to save my life.

I spent a full year going through chemotherapy and surgeries — and I survived. The cancer went away, and has not come back.

But even though the experience changed many things, there’s one aspect of my youth it did not. Through those long sickly days of chemotherapy and recoveries from surgery, I still had crushes and often wished for a partner to cuddle with as a lay weakly in bed.

Though some may not think of a cancer patient as a sexual being, the diagnosis does not erase our romantic longings.

In fact, my favorite day during that year of sickness was going on a walk and then having dinner with my biggest crush at the time. It didn’t progress into a true romance, but with side effects from chemo that included nausea and weakness, a walk and a meal were about all I could handle.

My cancer treatments were relatively brief, with a beginning and an end that were approximately one year apart from each other. I was single when I was diagnosed with the disease, and most days felt too sick to want to go out on a date. Though I wasn’t actively playing the dating game while going through my treatments, I still had good moments when I flirted just like everybody else.

When I emerged on the other side, I had a completely new approach to dating.

Going through the chemotherapy and surgeries didn’t just save my life, it changed my outlook. I had fought hard to stay alive, and was utterly unwilling to accept treatment from a love-interest that diminished my value.

For years as a 20- and 30-something dater, I had accepted all kinds of bad behavior. I lacked the self-esteem to stand up for myself and let go of the people who didn’t see me for the worthy person I was, and am. I pined for men who didn’t return my calls, tried to convince those who said they didn’t want a relationship that they might change their mind, and even continued to wait for a person who would show up hours late for our dates, or not show up at all.

After spending a year fighting for my life, I put up with none of the above. It’s like I developed a sixth sense for those who didn’t value me and I swiftly let them fall away. The greatest benefit of my new superpower was that when someone did come along who appreciated and then loved me, I had the space, capacity, desire, and ability to receive his affections.

Love is an essential part of living, and one can still find love while living with cancer.

For some people with cancer, however, the disease will be chronic, without a clear end in sight. Some of us may have just started dating someone new when we are diagnosed, and not want to wait until we are done with treatments to resume the romance. Cancer doesn’t need to mean relinquishing any hope of a romantic life, during or after treatments.

Though cancer is in our bodies, and is our business, it will affect those we become involved with, so if we have cancer when dating we will want to share that information with our dates before too much time passes. We don’t want to feel that we are hiding something, and we don’t want our potential partners to feel that we kept a secret from them. It’s not necessarily a first date conversation, but if there’s a spark, we may want to have that talk before too long.

Cancer hasn’t prevented a friend of mine, who currently has cancer, from indulging in great romance.

My friend Marta Csuka was diagnosed with “incurable” brain cancer at the age of 37. The tumor was removed but she was warned that she had very little time left before it would grow back and take her life. She swept aside the warnings and set out to mend her body by eating an all-raw vegan diet, avoiding chemotherapy and radiation. She shares on social media about her success and happiness in fending off the cancer, demonstrating for others that life following such a frightening diagnosis can be beautiful, vibrant, and romantic.

Marta says, “My experience dating after a cancer diagnosis was shockingly good! I’ve dated three men since my ‘death sentence’ two years ago. Two of them I met because of my cancer and so they knew about my ‘dis-ease.’ They were both raw vegans so they were very open-minded about how the right nutrients can reverse the cancer, even when western medicine declared me terminal.”

Now Marta is engaged to a man whom she met following her diagnosis and they have plans to wed in the near future. She is a positive, healthy, and smart woman. Why wouldn’t someone else love her?

Another woman I know lives a happy, productive, and creative life with cancer.

She has cancerous tumors that are not growing, but remain stable in her body. Like Marta, she became engaged to and married her husband after she had been diagnosed. She didn’t hide her cancer, but celebrated her survival, writing about her experiences and inspiring others by sharing how she stays in great physical, mental, and spiritual health despite her diagnosis. Living her life to the fullest while having cancer, she fell in love and made a lifelong commitment to a partner.

Above: the author and her partner.

When cancer comes flying at us out of left field, we can still enjoy all of the romance that our hearts desire.

Life often throws us curveballs. It is not a straight line. Cancer treatments may dramatically change our bodies. For many women who have had breast cancer, there is a deep fear of rejection following a mastectomy. But plenty of potential partners will embrace a woman who does not have breasts. Those scars tell stories of survival and there are others out there who will admire our strength.

Our perspective has the power to change our lives. Whether you or someone you know has been delivered a tough diagnosis — as I did when I got cancer in my 30s — how you respond can make a huge difference. An illness doesn’t negate our romantic desires so why should we repress that part of ourselves? Great romance, a sweet walk in the woods, or a cozy cuddle when we’re feeling sick, are all wonderful offerings of life that we don’t have to deny ourselves when faced with an illness, and they can help us feel better.

For more empowering love lessons, read about this young wife’s advice to “be yourself.”

How To Cheat Without Cheating

October 2, 2017January 22, 2024 by Mercy Harrisin RELATIONSHIPS, Sex

If you have a cheatin’ heart but don’t want to act on it, here’s how to stop an affair before it starts.

Do you fantasize about secret hook-ups and flings? Are you disappointed by the emotional distance between you and your long-term partner? “Boredisappointment” is a word I’ve invented (just now, actually!) to describe those afflictions of relationship boredom — with a garnish of dashed hopes and dreams.

If you find this feeling all-too-familiar, say it with me: “I suffer from boredisappointment.”

Note that we didn’t say, “they gave me boredisappointment.” The key phrase here is “I suffer.” What you don’t want to do here (take it from me) is to blame your partner for all of it. Sure, they may have had the cold first and then passed the germs on to you. Or they’re just so damn noisy that now you’ve got a bad headache. Or maybe your partner was boredisappointed long before the thought entered your mind.

Whatever the reason, these are your feelings and they should be dealt with. Thankfully, and just as with any headache, cold, or food poisoning bout, there are things you can do (yourself) for relief.

The first step to overcoming infidelity is admitting you’re tempted to cheat. After that comes the fun part!

“What?” you ask. “What fun part? I’m about to destroy my ten-year marriage with the pretzel guy from Costco!”

Hold on now, Brenda. Put down the cheese dip and zip up your fly. You can learn how to stop an affair from happening by leaning into the feelings of cheating without actually doing it. Let’s take a look at four options that can do just that.

1. Cheat on your partner… by having a “naughty” sleepover with your platonic best friend.

Throw a “self-care” night with your closest platonic (emphasis on platonic) best friend, and soak up the sinfulness of it all. Junk food, face masks, roses and candles, confessions, whatever — do what you wish someone else would do for you.

Your romantic partner can’t meet every need in your life. This is why friendships exist. It’s unnecessarily painful to depend on one person for every aspect of your emotional well-being — not to mention unrealistic. But there are ways to get your emotional needs met without ruining your partner’s life. Gush over the grocery boy with your bestie and there’s no harm done. Letting the grocery boy gush on you, well… that’s what’s we’d like to avoid.

Pro tip: TELL YOUR FRIEND ABOUT YOUR URGE TO CHEAT. This (1) makes you accountable to someone outside of your partnership, (2) presents a great opportunity for advice from someone you trust, and/or (3) validates and affirms your boredisappointment without getting an STD.

2. Cheat on your spouse… with a project.

Why is it that when people cheat, they can always find time to do so — but when it’s a painting or building a zen garden, there are a million things more important?

In an interview for The Rumpus, Elizabeth Gilbert recommends approaching your creative project like it’s a secret lover. “Go have an affair with your book…just get some sexy lavender underwear from the girl in Coyote Ugly and go have a fling with your book.”

If there’s a story you’ve always wanted to write, paint, crochet, or sculpt, find secret times to do so. And if you’re feeling frisky, you’re in luck: from boudoir photography to romance novels to sexy dance classes and more, there’s a whole world of titillating activities for you.

Pro tip: To satisfy your urge for sensual risk, why not pose nude for an art class — or take an art class and draw somebody else? Often, the rush of seeing and/or being seen is enough to satisfy the urge to cheat — or (even better) get over it completely.

3. Cheat on your spouse… by pursuing a real adrenaline rush.

Try something dangerous; I dare you. Go skydiving or bungee jumping (with a reputable guide, of course). Go ride a horse and fall off. Do that thing in Vegas where you rent a racecar and pretend to be Ricky Bobby. Experts say that spontaneous excitement boosts your dopamine levels, which can satisfy the pleasurable rush you’ve been craving.

Now I’m not a psychic, but I have a feeling that tropical cliff-diving is a lot more worthwhile than fondling some guy you met at a fundraiser. Unless he’s Tom Hardy, he ain’t that cute.

Pro tip: Take your partner with you! You might be surprised with this one. There’s a certain kind of closeness that comes from defying death with a lover. Please don’t risk your life on my account, but… jump out of a plane. See what happens.

4. Actually cheat on your partner…but do it with your partner.

Maybe both of you are boredisappointed, who knows? Perhaps they’re even more boredisappointed than you are, but haven’t discovered LOVE TV yet. Lucky for them, they have you. Cha-ching!

Instead of thinking about how to stop an affair, think of how you would start one — and then get your partner involved. Surprise them with a naughty email from a private account, or arrange a ‘secret’ tryst with them. Have them meet you on his or her break at work, or after hours at a surprise location. You can go all ‘role-play’ if you want, but trust me — sometimes, doing something that feels forbidden and secretive is the best way to feel like your true self.

Pro tip: Sexting isn’t just for single Millennials. Worst sext-case scenario, you can just send each other sexy spoofs and laugh about it. At least then you’ll both be smiling.

To have a good relationship, you need to take care of yourself.

You can stop an affair before it begins by acknowledging that your needs for novelty, excitement, play, emotional satisfaction, or pleasure aren’t being met – and then finding alternate ways of providing these needs for yourself. By all means, include your partner in as much or as little of this as you’d like, but this is on you. There are healthy ways to do this without ruining your life.

What are some other ways you can think of to overcome infidelity urges? Share your stories in the comments below! And for more reading on ethical cheating options, check out this perspective on polyamory or this one on nonmonogamy. (Yep, they’re different!)

13 Dating Terms to Know, Before You Enter the Modern Dating Scene

October 5, 2017January 22, 2024 by Kelley Lynnin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Here are 13 of the most current dating terms and phrases for your modern love adventures — and what they mean.

So, here you are. You are single. You are lonely. Your Saturday nights involve tubs of ice-cream and marathons of “My 600-Pound Life.” You have been through a divorce, or you were widowed young (like me). Or maybe you just haven’t found anyone yet that is better than your ice cream.

You are finally willing to “get out there” in the world of dating, but the minute you do, your confusion overwhelms you and paralyzes you. You go onto a dating site or twelve, and immediately, you are met with words and phrasing you don’t understand. What language are these men speaking? What is going on? How am I supposed to date when I don’t even know what the hell these people are talking about?

I hear you, sister.

It’s hard to keep up with modern dating terms and they can be very tough to decipher.

Just when you have learned a brand new term and actually know what it means, it starts going out of style, and is replaced with the next one. It’s like when everyone on earth is in line for the new iPhone 10, and you’re finally getting rid of your Blackberry Curve.

But before you give up completely on what the latest terms mean and how to be aware of them — fear not. I am here to act as your dating dictionary, so that you don’t have to waste your life Googling everything.

Here are 13 dating terms to know, before you enter (or reenter!) the modern dating scene.

1. Catfishing

Okay, we’re starting really simple. This one has been around for awhile now. You may know that “catfishing” is the term for someone online who is lying or tricking someone else as to who they really are — but do you know why it’s called that?

The term “catfishing” is actually referring to literal catfish. It came from an old tale told by a fisherman, about a common problem in transporting cod. During the boat ride, the cod would become under stimulated and bored, causing them to become stale and tasteless. Someone came up with the idea to put catfish in with the cod, so that they would chase the catfish and keep them moving, active, and agile; resulting in a better quality cod.

So, because the catfish were “luring in” the cod, and stimulating them, this term began being used to describe what people were experiencing with online dating. For example, let’s say you develop an online relationship with this great guy named Alex. But every time you ask Alex to talk on the phone or Skype, he has some lame excuse about bad reception. Eventually, you decide to meet Alex in person. But when you get there, it becomes clear that Alex isn’t really Alex. In fact, he isn’t even male. Or the age you thought they were.

Congratulations. You have been catfished.

2. Netflix and chill

One might think this means exactly what it says, which is: “Hey girl, let’s hang out at my place and watch a movie on Netflix and relax.” But no. It is code. What it actually means is: “Hey girl, let’s hang out at my place and fool around with no commitment or promises for anything (otherwise known as “hooking up”). I may or may not show up with a condom. Cuz that’s how I roll! ”

It Is very important to know this phrase, because if you don’t, you would innocently assume you were going to someone’s apartment to watch a movie. When you pull up “My List” on Netflix and they pull out something else, you will then realize you have gravely misunderstood this common phrase.

3. DTR

I had to look this one up myself when a guy I had been seeing for about 2 weeks asked if I wanted to “hang at his place and chill.” Which is just a less impressive version of Netflix and chill. I told him I thought it was a bit too early for that, and he said: “We can hang out. DTR. And go from there.”

He followed this up with a wink-wink type look, but I followed it up by googling: What the hell Is DTR? Turns out it’s a simple acronym. It stands for “Define the Relationship.” Because saying all three of those words took SO MUCH TIME!!! Clearly, we need to abbreviate that. Anyway, that’s what it means. And Mr. Two Weeks clearly wanted to define our relationship as: “come on over and have casual and probably mediocre sex.” No thanks.

4. FBO

Did you know that if you get married, have a baby, get a promotion, or get fired- that it didn’t actually happen if you didn’t post it on Facebook? It’s true! And if you are involved in a new-ish relationship, it is up to both parties to decide, hopefully mutually, when they will go FBO, or “Facebook Official.” Soon, I expect that people will no longer get engaged. They will simply change their relationship status on their Facebook pages, and declare themselves FBO. This works great for cheapskates — no ring!

5. Ghosting

This is when you are talking with someone or dating someone, and then smack in the middle of your relationship, they just disappear. They stop all contact, with no warning or explanation. It can happen online, with someone you have been seeing for months or weeks or days, and it can happen in a regular relationship that never occurred online.

It happened to me last year. A guy I had become very close with, disappeared, and blocked me from contacting him again. We had been close friends for almost 2 years. This behavior is mean, immature, and spineless. It happens often, it is common, and it is a shame. There is really no way to avoid it, but you can try your best not to take it personally. Anyone who would do this to a person is not someone you want in your life. Doing this is a reflection of them, not you.

6. Zombie-ing

This Is sort of like the sequel to ghosting. This is when the ghoster comes crawling back, out of nowhere, and wants back in your life. They rarely apologize for their ghosting, and usually will try to regain contact with simple chatter such as “Hey what’s up with you lately”, or other lame musings.

It’s not a great idea to let a ghoster back into your life. They have an agenda. Once they don’t get what they need from you, they will move on to their next victim. This behavior is also sometimes referred to as “haunting.” As in, the ghost is back to haunt you.

7. Catch and release

These are lovely men who get off on the “chase”, so they will put a lot of extra efforts into “getting you.” Flowers, flirting, promises galore. Then, once they have your attention and they no longer have to chase you down, you lose your appeal to them and they stop putting in the effort. Then, finally, they get easily bored with you, and “release” you. Dump you.

If a guy comes on very strong and very charming at the start, and it seems over the top, you may be experiencing this behavior. Be careful.

8. Cuffing season

Oh, those long and lonely winter nights can be so burdensome, right? Yes, there is a season for this, and refers to those who want to be part of a couple, only for the cold winter season. To have someone to be with on the holidays, cuddle with, and make passionate love to on cold winter nights.

A warning: as soon as that sun comes out and the weather gets warmer, you might find yourself getting ghosted! If a guy seems a bit too anxious to make you his girlfriend the day before Christmas, you might be headed for cuffing season.

9. Thirst trap

Okay, this one is just weird. This is a dude who puts up an image/picture of himself, usually on a dating site or on social media, with the specific intent on shocking people or getting lots of attention, which is also known as “thirst.” A typical picture might be of a guy’s shiny abs with a beer bottle resting on them, or beach sand placed just right (in the crevice of his rear).

This “thirst trap” type of picture is rarely ever a well-intentioned person. At worst, it’s a scam of some kind to get you to click on the image. At best, it’s a narcissistic dude who gets his jollies every time a new chick clicks “like” on his stuff. Either way, he has no intention of dating you — hence the “trap.”

10. Slow fade

Sounds like a romantic movie ending, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, it is the exact opposite.

The slow fade is basically when you are dating someone, and they decide on their own, without informing you, that they are no longer interested in you anymore. So, much like the ghoster who is too spineless to have a conversation about this, they start a gradual descent into not caring. They text you less often, they stop flirting, they suddenly seem like they don’t care. Because they don’t. The communication and effort gets less and less, until you have been faded out of the picture.

This is basically ghosting, in slow motion. It’s “Ghosting Lite” for the jerk who isn’t quite ready to take on the commitment of full-on ghosting!

11. Breadcrumbing

This one is very big on the dating sites. It basically means “to string someone along”. These are guys that will act interested in you. They flirt. They send sexy messages. They compliment you. But it’s all very vague and doesn’t ever go anywhere. It seems like all they want to do is just text endlessly, until one of you dies.

I’ve talked to these dudes many times. They get you hooked on them by appearing interested and charming, then they never follow through with anything. Most of them have no intention of even meeting you in person.

However, this can also happen offline too. Just a string of non-committal dates that are vague and don’t seem to be leading to anything. Sometimes these men aren’t entirely single (but you don’t know that), or they just enjoy lots of casual and lazy dating. Buyer beware.

12. Love-bombing

While the bread-crumber leaves slow and vague trails of crumbs for you to follow, the love-bomber does the opposite. This often involves big grand gestures of romance. Passionate love notes. Roses and promises of trips taken in the future together. Lots of presents. This is to draw you into them, at which point, they begin to reveal the “real” them, which isn’t always pleasant.

A lot of love-bombing is done by master manipulators and narcissists, who can appear charming upfront, but are actually quite controlling and aggressive. If someone comes on too strong too fast, or their “attacks” or bombs of passion just feel a bit too awkward, follow your gut. Things should progress and feel natural between two people. Whenever you feel as if you are a pawn in someone else’s game, you probably are. Pay attention to those early signs telling you this doesn’t feel right.

13. Lay-by

(It’s pronounced like “laying by the side of the road until I decide you are worthy of my attention.”)

This is similar to putting something on Layaway. You want the item, but you can’t commit to it right now. These men put women on “layby” status – they are usually still in another relationship, living with someone, often even married or separated but not divorced.

They are the types who do not like to be alone. They want to have the next person all lined up on stand-by, for when and if this current relationship blows up. So they keep you in the corner, waiting, while they figure out their life. Nice, right? Yeah. Not so much. If you are dating someone and you feel like you don’t always come first for them, you probably don’t. First is their spouse or girlfriend. Then you. Maybe.

Now that you’re fluent in these modern dating terms, you can be on the lookout for terms that aren’t on your terms.

I hope that these definitions are helpful, and at the very least, entertaining. The good news is that, out of all this craziness, I DID actually find love, eventually. Now, you can follow in the breadcrumbs of my misery, and laugh your way to a healthy dating life. And if that doesn’t work, well… there’s always ice cream.

For more reading on modern love, check out this guide to dating apps — and then prepare for the worst (while hoping for the best!) by learning about the 7 most frustrating types you’ll meet on dating sites.

When You Say “I Do,” Does That Mean “I Do Take Your Name?”

October 5, 2017January 22, 2024 by ElisaShoenbergerin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

For women, a name change after marriage went from being an assumed practice to a contentious subject in the past few decades.

Following the feminist foment of the 70s, many women opted against a name change after marriage. Now in the first few decades of the 21st century, the issue is unclear. Some women elect to change their name while others come up with compromises such as hyphenation or decline altogether.

When I envisioned marriage, I had always assumed that I would take my husband’s name.

I hadn’t spent a long time thinking about weddings. It was always a passing thought as I imagined what it would be to take my then boyfriend’s name. However, as I was planning my wedding, the choice didn’t’ seem so clear.

There were certainly advantages to taking my husband’s name. My maiden name “Shoenberger” was constantly misspelled and a perennial issue my entire life as I have to check under both Shoenberger and Schoenberger. Moreover, when I was a child with a learning disability, the length of the name certainly made my life more challenging. My fiancé’s name was a mere four letters.

On the other hand, I had seen women around me go through the process of changing their name.

Coworkers went through the painful process of getting their identification cards, credit cards, and other signifiers of the modern world changed. I watched them juggling birth certificates, social security cards, marriage certificates and even a misspelled new driver’s license.

The worst case scenario was when I heard about an acquaintance who had missed out on a prestigious scholarship in the 70s because there was confusion over her maiden and married names. I also knew of several women who had gotten divorced but decided not to change their names back to their maiden names.

In a few instances, I had heard stories of acquaintances and friends around me that told me that taking their husband’s name was a deal breaker. If they didn’t take the name, their husband-to-be wouldn’t proceed with the wedding. The prospect of having a showdown like that was daunting.

But it was more than just the hassle of changing one’s name. There was a matter of legacy.

I know that some women had taken the custom of taking their maiden name and making it their middle name. However, I didn’t relish this.

My grandfather did not have any male children so his name is only passed on through the middle names of several grandchildren. I was immensely proud of bearing his name. As I thought about it more, I felt the same way about my last name. I wanted it to go forward, (even though I had a half-brother who also bore it). I realized how proud I was of it, misspellings and all.

I decided to keep my name.

Thankfully, my then fiancé, now husband, had no thoughts on the matter. It was up to me, he told me. Which is exactly how it should be. My parents felt the same way as did my in-laws.

My grandmother, however, was aghast. For months up to and after my wedding, she’d bring it up every time I’d see her, making a face. She would always say, “I was proud of taking my husband’s name.” She strongly disapproved. But she was the only one who has overtly commented on my choice.

I talked to two other women about their decisions to take or not take their husband’s’ names. The first decided against it.

She told me, “I kept my name first and foremost because I have a professional standing with my unmarried name and my professional life would become disjointed if I changed names.”

Another reason she wanted to keep her name was to also keep her autonomy. She feared “that the second I became a wife, suddenly what I had done with my life no longer mattered.” In keeping her name, she felt it valued her and her husband as separate and accomplished people.

When I asked her how her decision was received, she told me: “[My husband] and his family were not happy. [He] really wanted me, at first, to change my name. That it was the “right” thing to do and that this is just how it is done.

“His family was not pleased either. They thought it was an affront that I didn’t take his name. I told them in no uncertain terms that if their son loved me and I loved him, that it didn’t matter one iota. This wasn’t the dark ages, and I have a career to myself under my given name.

“My friends really don’t care. All those people that have known me since high school, college, masters, law school, they just saw it as me being me… His friends, however, are far more traditionalist… I don’t want a traditionalist role, why should I have to have a traditionalist household? If there’s no law against it, it’s my life. I get to make the rules.”

I talked to another woman who did change her name.

I asked her why she made the decision and she said that the biggest factor was that she felt her maiden name was very generic. “My last name was shortened,” she said. “It’s an immigration thing. A lot of names were shortened to the same syllable… My name is the Jewish female equivalent of John Smith.” She added, “[my husband’s name] is pretty. It has a musical sound. If I had married someone else [with a different last name], I would not have.”

I asked what her family or now husband felt about the issue. She said, “The most important thing was that my family didn’t assume one way or another. Probably thought I wouldn’t. It was just completely my choice. If anyone had felt one way or another, I would have done the opposite. [My husband] didn’t care at all. If anything, he was surprised. Didn’t think I would actually put in the effort to do it.”

She said she didn’t face any personal backlash for changing her name, but she did encounter a lot of negative opinions online about the practice being anti-feminist — a viewpoint with which she disagrees. “As long as it is a choice, to make a choice is feminist,” she said. And then she added: “You can’t say it makes me the property of my husband any more than my maiden name made me the property of my dad.”

Ultimately, considering a name change after marriage should be one’s own.

That’s what feminism is really supposed to be about. Choice.

6 Things You Can Do If Your Date Is a Mansplainer

October 9, 2017January 22, 2024 by Freya Shipleyin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

The first time I got trapped on a date with a mansplainer, I did not handle it well.

The guy seemed intriguing online. He had a sense of humor. When he messaged me, he used actual sentences. (Swoon.)

So we meet up for dinner, and I mention I’ve just come from teaching a Shakespeare workshop — and that’s when the tidal wave hits.

There I sit, annoyed and self-doubting, while an ill-informed CPA explains the Shakespeare canon to me. I try a few times to speak up, to let him know that I’m a graduate of a competitive drama school and I’ve been performing and teaching the plays for years. But he talks right over me.

After that, I’m embarrassed to say, I slide right into the traditional female role: listening politely, nodding, working hard to look suitably attentive and impressed.

The memory of it still makes me squirm.

The word “mansplaining” may be new, but the problem itself is timeless.

We all know what it’s like to be lectured by a guy who thinks his grasp of the topic (whatever it may be) is superior to yours just because he’s male. In her classic 2008 essay, “Men Explain Things To Me,” Rebecca Solnits points out how mansplaining “… crushes young women into silence by indicating, the way harassment on the street does, that this is not their world. It trains us in self-doubt and self-limitation….”

Since then, I’ve learned a lot about what to do when a date starts mansplaining.

First, it’s useful to clarify your personal goal in the situation. Do you want to help your companion understand the issue? Do you want to make sure he hears how you’re feeling? Or do you just want out of the conversation? How important is it to you to maintain a cordial relationship with this person?

Then comes deciding how to act. Consider whether you have anything to lose. As always, your top priority is your own safety. If you choose to confront your date, will that put you in any kind of danger? Is he in a position to make your life difficult in any way? (Hopefully you’re not dating a guy who has power over you, like a boss or a professor, but it does happen.)

Once you’ve figured out your goal and how you want to react, it’s time to tackle the hard part: deciding what to do.

I have some suggestions. Here are six conversational moves to choose from.

1. Interrupt.

“I know all about that subject, thanks.” Speak up as early in the conversation as possible. Use a calm, friendly voice. See how he responds. Does he hear what you’re saying? Does he change his tone? If so, you may have helped your companion “wake up” from an old habit.

Lots of boys get taught to lecture and compete in conversation, simply as part of growing up in our culture. They don’t get much choice about it. Your date may actually be grateful for your help finding a new perspective.

2. Ask tons of questions.

Such as:

“How do you know all this?”
“What are your qualifications in this field?”
“Do you know that I’m an expert in this area?”
“Would you like to hear my take on this subject?”
“Did you hear what I just said?”
“Are you aware that you sound like you’re lecturing?”
“Do you know how condescending it sounds when you speak to me like this?”

If a gentle interruption doesn’t do the trick, you may need to up your game. The questions in this list are arranged roughly in order of assertiveness. You could start out by sounding relatively polite and interested (“How do you know all this?”), then get more confrontational if you need to. If he talks over your questions, just keep asking more.

Your aim here is to encourage him to interact with you instead of mansplaining. If he truly doesn’t understand the problem, you may help him see the light by refusing to respond the way he expects you to (that is, with silent admiration.) If he does understand and is deliberately being an asshole, questioning can be a great way to give him a hard time.

3. Ask him a polite question.

…and design it to reveal your own knowledge and his essential ignorance. (“That’s fascinating. So what’s the exact process when the Cas9 protein and the gRNA form the riboprotein complex?”) The goal here is to maneuver him into a position where he’s forced to give in and admit he doesn’t know the answer.

4. Keep asking for further explanation of the very, very obvious.

Pretend to be helplessly confused. (“Wow, this is fascinating information about childbirth. Can you help me understand where the baby actually comes out?”) See how long it takes him to figure out that you’re jerking his chain. Extra points to him if he gets it and laughs! That shows he has a sense of humor and enough humility to listen to you and be affected by what you say.

5. Interrupt him, explain briefly why you’re leaving, then go.

Calling mansplaining out is one of the most direct, powerful conversational moves you can make. A lot of us women feel like it’s too direct, too confrontational, maybe even too scary. If that’s you, I encourage you to reconsider. Remember, a call-out isn’t about yelling or trying to hurt anyone. It’s just you standing your ground and speaking your truth in a steady voice. (You can even write yourself a script and practice at home with your cat before you meet your next hardcore mansplainer.)

6. Just get up and leave.

If you’re ready to grab your coat and bolt after the first fifteen minutes, you have a perfect right to do that. No explanations needed.

Mansplaining can seem so eye-rollingly absurd, we may sometimes be tempted to laugh it off. But it has deeper implications.

As Rebecca Solnit wrote: “Most women fight wars on two fronts, one for whatever the putative topic is and one simply for the right to speak, to have ideas, to be acknowledged to be in possession of facts and truths, to have value, to be a human being.”

That’s a struggle we all need to take seriously.

For more dating tips, check out this piece about effective communication around sex, or learn more about how to identify narcissistic behavior (as the narcissist is first cousin to the mansplainer).

Marathon Dating: When Spending A Lot Of Time Yields Little In Return

October 10, 2017January 22, 2024 by Elisia Guerenain DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

When quickly dating a lot of men doesn’t get you results, remember that long term dating might not give you what you want, either.

I used to burn through men like a stoned teenager in the Taco Bell drive-thru. Bored and guided by delusions of grandeur, I’d wolf down and wake up with heartburn the morning after.

So I switched diets. No eating men up and spitting out their teeth after. The name of the game was delayed gratification. The method? Teasing out my romances slowly, with restraint, through long term dating.

Instead of sprinting, I’d become a marathon dater: someone who builds endurances and tolerates boredom in order to win the long game.

My most recent winter in New York gave me an unexpected chance to practice this new resolution. In need of a break from the city, I found an upstate retreat where I could write and recuperate — but it didn’t accept cats. Who would care for my cat Babe for three weeks?

My next door neighbor, it turned out. He invited me over for dinner to talk about details. My “Babellini” is easy to care for, I explained — then pulled out four handwritten pages of her preferences.

“I’m a teenager, and Cat Power is my favorite artist,” I read. “When I miss Elisia, play ‘Sea of Love.’” I took a moment to hum the tune. “Peeves is my invisible pet. Please, don’t ask to meet him.”

As I read, I realized he was giving me eyes.

“What type of eyes?” My friend asked later, when I told her the story.

“Like I was reading a menu with all his favorite desserts,” I replied.

But — was he into me or my cat?

A nebulous friendship began, one with romantic undertones and confusing encounters.

He flirted with me at parties, but didn’t ask me out. He gifted me wine, but insisted I enjoy it alone. Maybe he’s trying to pace me, I thought optimistically.

One day, he invited me to an art exhibit after work. We ate sushi and walked around as much as the cold would allow. He offered me his gloves (the best he could do short of his jacket), insisted on paying for everything, and gave me those eyes even when I wasn’t talking about my cat.

After sharing a cab back to Brooklyn we stood on our shared sidewalk, uncertain. But instead of a kiss or even a hug, he told me to go stand in my courtyard.

I could see his bedroom window from where I stood. In a few moments it opened. He emerged onto the roof, carrying a jacket. It doesn’t fit me right, he explained as he tossed it down. It was an odd, sweet gesture, and I wore the jacket to bed that night and throughout my upstate stay.

I have a history of taking things too fast; an inner speed demon that enjoys going from zero to 60 and watching fireworks turn into explosions.

I didn’t know how I felt about him, or vica versa, but three weeks of alone time would give me plenty of opportunity to disentangle the mixed signals.

Plus, I’d been able to bring my cat at the last minute. Removing her from our dynamic might clear things up.

Winter turned to spring. Babe and I returned to the city, healthy and happy. My neighbor invited me to a movie, and there it was — a real date.

But he seemed extremely nervous. He mumbled something about a hard past year, mentioned that he was seeing a therapist, and — with my optimistic speed demon in full swing — I breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn’t me, it was him! I placed my courage squarely into a goodnight kiss.

For our second date, we decided to spend a Saturday hiking.

The next day I would go to Boston that Sunday to watch my brother run a marathon. I was proud and excited of all the built-in brakes that a hiking date would include, like:

No alcohol necessary (drinking always speed things up).
My next day departure to Boston nixed the chance of a sleepover.
Light athleticism = light sweat (not sexy).
Daytime activities are always less fraught.
Our hike was in New Jersey.

I was feeling pretty good about the situation, until we hit the road and he started driving way too fast.

I liked speeding when I was a teenager — my five brothers and I enjoyed hitting 140 or more on the Interstate at night. We turned donuts in empty parking lots, and I learned how to crank the wheel while throwing the emergency brake on dirt roads, so that the back end spins deliciously outward.

But all these things are also extremely stupid, and my reformed speed demon found something highly unattractive about a man making his way aggressively down the New Jersey Turnpike.

On the trails, we encountered another speed issue.

Something about the Great Outdoors loosened his jaw. He talked, and talked, and talked — not about one, not two, but three ex girlfriends. At some point, he may have even thrown in a fourth. I nodded and hiked.

I’d been a distance runner for over a decade until I hurt my knee. The trail revived sweet memories of those years I’d spent flying through canyons, deserts, and mountains. Somehow, his rambling didn’t strike me as anything different than the type of gabbing my cross country teammates and I did when we were in high school: He did what with who for eight miles or more.

We drove back to Brooklyn. Once back in our neighborhood, he pulled over. “Look,” he said pointing towards the ground.

There, in the sidewalk, was my name: “Elisia.”

He’d written it in freshly poured concrete after our first date.

The jacket, that sidewalk — my optimistic, mushy, and completely naive speed demon swooned. That night we danced to records, watched a movie, and shared a platonic mattress on which he only mentioned his ex girlfriends once, to which I smiled and thought, he just needs time.

The next day, I boarded the bus, put my headphones in, and gazed dreamily at the traffic outside my window.

Oh, no.

Like that, all the red flags hit me.

Aided by the blinding clarity of hindsight, I stitched together and reviewed the facts all the way to the marathon while thousands of runners passed me by. I was no longer a burn-through-them-in-three-months kind of girl. What I’d lost in speed I made up for in endurance. I’d spent four months in long term dating mode when the whole thing should have taken two dates.

And he was just as bad. Every story he’d told me (which made me wince as I watched runners whiz by, wishing I could blank the memories out) was about how all his relationships came to a slow, grueling, agonizing end that equaled emotional torture because clearly they should have ended years earlier.

Watching my brother run his marathon that day afforded me the strange privilege of understanding my own disastrous one.

I saw that no amount of patience could change the fact that he wasn’t ready to date. That while I had my problems with burning through situations, he had his with staying in them entirely too long. That while I’d tried to change my sweet, little inner speed demon, she was after all still a demon. She’d need something — more New Jersey trails, or a partner with a pair of brakes — in order to truly be reformed.

There’s nobility in seeing something through to the end, I thought as my brother, weakly then proudly, hobbled over the finish line. Over the next few weeks, my neighborhood courtship did the same — winding down quietly without fireworks or explosions, no applause or gold medals necessary.

Long term dating seemed like a solution, but what I learned is that it’s really about balance — rather than going fast or slow for long or short distances, perhaps it’s just about being real as well as your real best self.

For more reading on going the “distance” in modern dating, check out this article about keeping things hot and heavy in a long term partnership or ways to make a long distance relationship work.