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Category: LOVE

Single and 10 Truths for Loving It

by zfortadminin LOVE

“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” ~John Allen Paulos

Over the past ten years, I always had a man by my side. I was always in a relationship.

I was in a relationship for eight years before my ex and I got engaged, then broke it off because of the distance—my ex’s reason. Not long after that I got into a two-year relationship with a man who loved, yet cheated on me. It was a messy break up.

So after ten years in relationships, I found myself alone.

I’m 31 and single!

Recently some questions have bounced around in mind: What happened to me during those years? What did I get, gain, achieve in these two relationships? Why am I now alone? What will I do? How do I do things by myself?

Now what? Where to start?

I started to panic, to hyperventilate—until I found this quote:

“Single is not a status. It is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.”

Yes I am scared. I was so used to sharing everything. I was so used to having someone around.

But the reality is I am my own person, and if I can’t enjoy being single, how can I enjoy being with someone else?

So I started reading about being single, and interviewing other happy single people. Surely I wasn’t the only 31-year-old person who felt uncertain about her new singleness. I needed to find proven ways to be happy as a single adult woman.

In my research, I learned some important truths about being single:

1. Being single gives you time to be by yourself, with yourself.

Finally some me time. This is the time to reconnect with myself, a time where I can talk to myself, debating all the questions and answers that are bouncing in my head. 

This is the time of reflection. This is the time of acceptance and letting go, which brings me to the second point…

2. If you don’t let go of the past, you will never appreciate the present.

Yes I have fond memories of my exes, but that was in the past. I know I will always cherish those memories, but I need to stop clinging to them to live for today and plan for tomorrow.

Buddha said every day you are born again—that means new experiences and adventures for today!

3. It’s only after you have lost everything that you are free to find out what you were missing.

During those ten years, I lost love, a pregnancy, and my health. I truly believed I had lost everything. I can’t even start telling you how many tears I shed during those difficult times.

Now that I’m single, I have an opportunity to do all the things I put off while I was putting all my energy into my relationships. I have to believe that I will eventually have the things I lost, but for now I’m taking this time to enjoy myself and complete myself.

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How This Couple Fell in LOVE through Sign Language

by zfortadminin LOVE

She watched the deaf-blind students talking with each other, signing into each others’ hands, feeling the words.

Tania and Jose Amaya are both a little shy, but ask them how they met and they’ll light up. She’ll blush. He’ll grin.

She was a computer teacher at the Braille Institute in East Hollywood, soft-spoken and sweet. He was a volunteer, deaf and legally blind, unable to speak. She was enrolled in deaf studies at Cal State Northridge. He’d help with her sign language homework.

They’d speak in a language for the deaf-blind, called tactile sign language. She’d sign, and he’d hold his hands over hers, reading the movements of her fingers. They’d make each other smile.

By the time they learned to communicate, something else happened: They fell in love. Next month, they’ll celebrate five years of marriage.

Asked recently what attracted them to each other, Tania signed the question to Jose, and they chuckled.

“How do you explain love?” she asked.

It’s the kind of thing that happens often at the Braille Institute. People — many of them sad and scared after starting to lose their vision — find community. They find friends. They find mentors. And, sometimes, they find love.

The institute recently lauded those relationships in a social media campaign called #loveatbraille, with couples and friends cheesing for the camera beside cutout hearts to “celebrate finding hope and love in our community.”

“It’s about redefining hope. People come here thinking they’re useless to other people and that they’ve lost their independence,” said Anita Wright, executive director of the institute’s Los Angeles center. “As students come here, they start to understand that there’s more to life than just the eyes, and that the eyes are to look through but the vision is through the heart.”

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Women Who Lead in Love Are Finding Out This

by zfortadminin LOVE

If you’re an “I’ll wait for him to approach me kind of girl,” perhaps you should reconsider your approach to love in 2016—especially if you frequent online dating sites.

According to Yahoo, a recent OkCupid study revealed that women who initiated conversations online were 2.5 times more likely to receive a response in comparison to men who make the first move. Also, female-initiated contact led to more conversations and more dates. Approximately 12 percent of the messages men initiated resulted in dates while 30 percent of initiatory messages from women led to dates. And if that doesn’t motivate you, perhaps this will: The men that the women contacted were considered “more” attractive. Women who simply selected from the pool of men who reached out to them first were more likely to find themselves conversing with “less” attractive men.

To arrive at their findings, researchers pulled information from a random sample of 70,000 users who logged in at least three times within the same month.

“When women are proactive there’s a big win,” Jimena Almendares, OkCupid Chief Product Officer, told ABC News. “This is data that is showing that if they actually speak up, they have so much to gain.”

Of course, putting yourself out there is a lot easier said than done, but writer and relationship expert Demetria Lucas D’Oyley says that making the first move can be as simple as paying him a compliment.

“If you see someone you find attractive, you say ‘Hi,’ you ask him a question or you pay him a compliment,” D’Oyley shared during a “Good Morning America” segment earlier this month. “It can be as beautiful as, ‘I like your tie,’ ‘I like your hair.’”

Don’t get it twisted, though, your role as the aggressor should cease once you have his attention. At that point, you should chill out and allow him to do the pursuing.

“Making the first move doesn’t mean making all of the moves,” Demetria warned. “It means making sure that you’re friendly, you’re approachable; he knows you’re interested and less likely to reject him.”

Do you make an effort to approach guys you like? Why or why not?

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Moving in With Your Significant Other: For Love or for Money?

by Julia Solomonin LOVE

Finances aside, how do you know when it’s the right time? Is there even a right time?

8.4 million people live in New York City. Out of those 8.4 million people, approximately 15 can actually afford to live here. It’s no news that the rent here is out of control. You’ll often hear about gentrification and the rising prices of rent throughout neighborhoods. I assume everyone else starts sobbing after they pay their rent just like I did last month. Yes, living here is expensive. Aside from rent, nearly everything else is somewhat unaffordable. There’s only a gazillion articles about how the cost of living can take a toll on your bank account. But what about your relationship?

Legitimate Reasons to Move In

There are many milestones within a relationship. Of course, there’s “the talk”, where you decide whether or not it’s exclusive. There’s exchanging “I love you’s” and last but not least, shacking up. Before moving to NYC, I always assumed moving in with your significant other meant that you were looking to take things to the next level, really cement the fact that you are ready to commit to someone or you just couldn’t fathom the idea of not sharing a bed every single night. Those may be some of the reasons couples decide to take that next step, but here’s another one to add to the list : SAVING CASH MONEY. I have seen couples move in together faster than the speed of light all in the name of lower rent! And love. But also lower rent. This city is so incredibly expensive that at the end of the day, if you’re spending the majority of your time with that special someone, it might not be worth coughing up the cash each month for your own place. It’s more out of convenience, not necessarily romance. That’s not to say it can’t be both, which is what I’m currently struggling with.

Anxiety and Decision Making

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over two and a half years. I’m extremely happy with him, but there have been a lot of issues I’ve had to come to terms with when it came to really getting serious with someone. I’m not a commitment phobe, but I have baggage like anyone else. There’s not one single part of me that doesn’t want to be with him, but there is a neurotic part of me that thinks the longer we date, the worse it will be if we do ever break up, and then I run into a state of panic trying to avoid a break up that neither of us were even contemplating in the first place! Being an anxious person is a full time job (one that doesn’t pay). So, thinking about moving in together isn’t just a casual decision for me. It brings on anxiety and then some. It’s also really exciting.

Decorating and Upgrading the Bedset

Allow me to fantasize for a moment. It’s fun to think about how we would decorate our room, how it would be extremely luxurious to upgrade to a queen size bed, how I would be spending two hundred dollars less on rent each month if he moved in. I won’t lie, I’ve been online window shopping the duvets on anthropologie.com for quite some time. With the money I would save on rent, my dreams of owning a complete bed set from Anthropologie could become a reality. These are the little things, obviously, but things nonetheless that I’ve thought about.

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Transparent Feelings …Can Men Reveal Themselves More?

by zfortadminin LOVE

With so much research showing that young males suffer beneath the gravity of conventional masculinity, why isn’t there more help for them on campus?

Last semester, a student in the masculinity course I teach showed a video clip she had found online of a toddler getting what appeared to be his first vaccinations. Off camera, we hear his father’s voice. “I’ll hold your hand, O.K.?” Then, as his son becomes increasingly agitated: “Don’t cry!… Aw, big boy! High five, high five! Say you’re a man: ‘I’m a man!’ ” The video ends with the whimpering toddler screwing up his face in anger and pounding his chest. “I’m a man!” he barks through tears and gritted teeth.

The home video was right on point, illustrating the takeaway for the course: how boys are taught, sometimes with the best of intentions, to mutate their emotional suffering into anger. More immediately, it captured, in profound concision, the earliest stirrings of a male identity at war with itself.

This is no small thing. As students discover in this course, an Honors College seminar called “Real Men Smile: The Changing Face of Masculinity,” what boys seem to need is the very thing they fear. Yet when they are immunized against this deeper emotional honesty, the results have far-reaching, often devastating consequences.

Despite the emergence of the metrosexual and an increase in stay-at-home dads, tough-guy stereotypes die hard. As men continue to fall behind women in college, while outpacing them four to one in the suicide rate, some colleges are waking up to the fact that men may need to be taught to think beyond their own stereotypes.

In many ways, the young men who take my seminar — typically, 20 percent of the class — mirror national trends. Based on their grades and writing assignments, it’s clear that they spend less time on homework than female students do; and while every bit as intelligent, they earn lower grades with studied indifference. When I asked one of my male students why he didn’t openly fret about grades the way so many women do, he said: “Nothing’s worse for a guy than looking like a Try Hard.”

In a report based on the 2013 book “The Rise of Women: The Growing Gender Gap in Education and What It Means for American Schools,” the sociologists Thomas A. DiPrete and Claudia Buchmann observe: “Boys’ underperformance in school has more to do with society’s norms about masculinity than with anatomy, hormones or brain structure. In fact, boys involved in extracurricular cultural activities such as music, art, drama and foreign languages report higher levels of school engagement and get better grades than other boys. But these cultural activities are often denigrated as un-masculine by preadolescent and adolescent boys.”

Throughout elementary school and beyond, they write, girls consistently show “higher social and behavioral skills,” which translate into “higher rates of cognitive learning” and “higher levels of academic investment.”

It should come as no surprise that college enrollment rates for women have outstripped men’s. In 1994, according to a Pew Research Center analysis, 63 percent of females and 61 percent of males enrolled in college right after high school; by 2012, the percentage of young women had increased to 71, but the percentage of men remained unchanged.

By the time many young men do reach college, a deep-seated gender stereotype has taken root that feeds into the stories they have heard about themselves as learners. Better to earn your Man Card than to succeed like a girl, all in the name of constantly having to prove an identity to yourself and others.

The course “Real Men Smile,” which examines how the perceptions of masculinity have and haven’t changed since the 18th century, grew out of a provocative lecture by Michael Kimmel, the seminal researcher and author in the growing field of masculine studies.

Dr. Kimmel came to my campus, Towson University, in 2011 to discuss the “Bro Code” of collegiate male etiquette. In his talk, he deconstructed the survival kit of many middle-class, white male students: online pornography, binge drinking, a brotherhood in which respect is proportional to the disrespect heaped onto young women during hookups, and finally, the most ubiquitous affirmation of their tenuous power, video games.

As Dr. Kimmel masterfully deflected an outpouring of protests, the atmosphere grew palpably tense. A young man wearing fraternity letters stood up. “What you don’t get right is that girls are into hooking up as much as we are; they come on to us, too,” he said. Dr. Kimmel shook his head, which left the student clearly rattled.

His voice quavering, the young man stammered something unexpected from a frat brother, about how women can be as insensitive and hurtful as guys. He sounded like a victim himself. But afterward, when I asked him if he had reached out to any of his guy friends for advice or solace, he stared at me, incredulous, his irises two small blue islands amid a sea of sclera. “Nah, I’ve got this,” he said.

I wanted the course to explore this hallmark of the masculine psyche — the shame over feeling any sadness, despair or strong emotion other than anger, let alone expressing it and the resulting alienation. Many young men, just like this student, compose artful, convincing masks, but deep down they aren’t who they pretend to be.

Research shows what early childhood teachers have always known: that from infancy through age 4 or 5, boys are more emotive than girls. One study out of Harvard Medical School and Boston Children’s Hospital in 1999 found that 6-month-old boys were more likely to show “facial expressions of anger, to fuss, to gesture to be picked up” and “tended to cry more than girls.”

“Boys were also more socially oriented than girls,” the report said — more likely to look at their mother and “display facial expressions of joy.”

This plays out in the work of Niobe Way, a professor of applied psychology at New York University. After 20-plus years of research, Dr. Way concludes that many boys, especially early and middle adolescents, develop deep, meaningful friendships, easily rivaling girls in their emotional honesty and intimacy.

But we socialize this vulnerability out of them. Once they reach ages 15 or 16, “they begin to sound like gender stereotypes,” she writes in “Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection.” “They start using phrases such as ‘no homo’ … and they tell us they don’t have time for their male friends, even though their desire for these relationships remains.”

As women surpass men on campus, the threat felt by thin-skinned males often reveals itself in the relationships where they feel most exposed. “Boys are not only more invested in ongoing romantic relationships but also have less confidence navigating them than do girls,” writes the sociologist Robin W. Simon in The Journal of Health and Social Behavior. That’s problematic, because “romantic partners are their primary sources of intimacy,” whereas young women confide in friends and family.

Some cultural critics link such mounting emotional vulnerability to the erosion of male privilege and all that it entails. This perceived threat of diminishing power is exposing ugly, at times menacing fault lines in the male psyche. Experts point to sexual assaults on campus and even mass murders like those at a community college in Oregon and a movie theater in Colorado. These gunmen were believed to share two hypermasculine traits: feelings of profound isolation and a compulsion for viral notoriety.

With so much research showing that young men suffer beneath the gravity of conventional masculinity, men’s studies is gaining validation as a field of its own, not just a subset of women’s studies. Hobart and William Smith Colleges has offered a minor in men’s studies since the late ’90s. The Center for the Study of Men and Masculinities was established in 2013 at Stony Brook University, part of the State University of New York, and plans to offer its first master’s degree program in 2018. Last year, the center hosted the International Conference on Men and Masculinities, where topics included fatherhood, male friendships and balancing work and family life.

So why don’t campuses have more resource centers for men?

Some universities offer counseling services for men of color and gay men, and some sponsor clubs through which male members explore the crisis of sexual violence against women. Only a precious few — the University of Massachusetts and Simon Fraser University among them — offer ways for all men to explore their shared struggles. And these don’t exist without pushback. Talk of empowering men emotionally yields eye rolling at best, furious protest at worst — as when the Simon Fraser center was proposed, in 2012, and men and women alike challenged the need for a “safe space” for members of the dominant culture.

But wouldn’t encouraging men to embrace the full range of their humanity benefit women? Why do we continue to limit the emotional lives of males when it serves no one? This question is the rhetorical blueprint I pose to students before they begin what I call the “Real Man” experiment.

In this assignment, students engage strangers to explore, firsthand, the socialized norms of masculinity and to determine whether these norms encourage a healthy, sustainable identity.

The findings result in some compelling presentations. One student interviewed her male and female friends about their hookups and acted out an amalgam of their experiences through the eyes of a male and a female character; another explored the pall of silence and anxiety that hangs over campus men’s rooms; two students gleaned children’s gender perceptions in a toy store. One of the most revealing projects was a PowerPoint by a student who had videotaped himself and then a female friend pretending to cry in the crowded foyer of the university library, gauging the starkly different reactions of passers-by.

“Why do you think a few young women stopped to see if your female friend was O.K.,” I asked him, “but no one did the same thing for you?”

He crossed his arms, his laser pointer pushing against his bicep like a syringe, and paused. Even at this point in the semester, the students, some of whom had studied gender issues before, seemed blind to their own ingrained assumptions. So his response raised many eyebrows. “It’s like we’re scared,” he said, “that the natural order of things will completely collapse.”

Curated by Timothy
Original Article

Intentional Dialogue for Hot Button Topics With Your Partner

by John Winelandin LOVE

john wineland

This simple intentional dialogue practice will literally change your life and all of your relationships if you practice and master it. In this short demo, Guru Jagat and I demonstrate the practice give some tips as how to best use it moving forward, including a 40 days challenge!

 

How to Have Empathy and Speak Up for Myself

by Robin Tranin LOVE, Mind, Wellness

I was seething but there was nobody to direct my anger because he hadn’t done anything intentionally harmful.

In one night, I experienced a perfect storm of disrespect at a comedy show that I was booked to perform on.

I came out as a transgender woman a year ago, and since then, I’ve received lots of support, but I’ve also heard many people mistakenly refer to me as “he” instead of “she.”  I understand that it’s hard for people to readjust since transgender issues are relatively new to the mainstream, and I’m sympathetic that most of my friends have had to refer to me using male pronouns for most of my life.

With all that in mind, I entered the comedy show knowing that mistakes would be made; I just didn’t know how pervasive it would be.

As soon as I entered the venue, the host called me “bro” three times within a minute.  I went to correct him and he apologized, but a few minutes later, he made the mistake at least six more times in ten minutes.

Eventually, he said, “Can I ask you some questions?”

Even though I was annoyed, I was excited that he was at least trying to learn and be educated, so I was eager to help.  “Sure,” I said.

He began telling me about “a man” he saw at a different comedy show who was wearing a skirt and boots, and this man would try to smile at others to put them at ease.

The host continued, “And I thought about how hard it must’ve been for him, because I’m sure that he knows deep-down that everybody is looking at him knowing that he’s actually a dude.”

I was too heartbroken to respond — especially since what he said was so well-intentioned — because I knew that it was how most people actually saw me.  They saw me as a man in a dress.  The host was just articulating in an honest manner, and his words are what I imagine most other people — even most of my friends — actually think about me.

My girlfriend spoke up, “Are you sure he was a man?  This person might’ve been a transgender woman.”

“Oh,” the host continued.  “I don’t know the difference I guess.”

He got up and left.

I was seething but there was nobody to direct my anger because he hadn’t done anything intentionally harmful.  A couple of minutes later, another comedian entered the room and looked me up and down.  “So, you trying to be a girl or something?  Or what’s the deal here?”

I took a deep inhale because I didn’t want to snap at her.

“Robin’s a transgender woman,” my girlfriend answered.

The comedian responded, “Oh, cool.  That’s in season, huh?” she joked.

Later when she was onstage, she made a joke about a woman with a mustache, turned to me, and said, “But not in a tranny way.”

I tried to be patient, and I even smiled at her when she made her joke because I didn’t want her feeling bad.  But in reality, I felt really angry and unbelievably depressed.  On the ride home, I was crying and screaming in the car, and I had a panic attack.

“I look so stupid,” I said out loud.  “I can’t believe I’m putting on makeup and dresses.  What’s wrong with me?  At least they were honest.  I know that’s what everybody thinks of me.  I’m just a man in a dress!”

Luckily, I had therapy the next morning and I told my therapist about this whole incident.  As she began expressing her anger over what had transpired, I got very defensive and started pleading with her that nobody had done anything wrong.  “It was the society that we were all brought up in,” I said.  “They tried their best and I had no basis for getting upset.”

She slowly asked me, “Do you want to know what I think is part of the reason why you’re so upset?”

“Why?” I asked.

“Because you give everybody an out.  You give everybody else an excuse as to why they can mistreat you, so you have nowhere to direct your anger.”

I sat back and thought about it and I realized that she was right.  In my attempt to be completely empathetic, I offered way too much sympathy as well.

But there was something I couldn’t reconcile.  “They tried their best though.  How can I get mad at them?”

My therapist shook her head.  “No, they didn’t.  They could’ve made more of an effort.  They could’ve been respectful.  You can be empathetic, you can be compassionate, but you’re also allowed to be angry when others mistreat you.”

This was a concept that I had never thought of before.

My therapist helped me realize that it’s okay to ask for what you want, and it’s not unreasonable to request that others respect you.  It was an empowering message that I needed to hear because I had been putting myself down for the comfort of others.

She also told me that it’s okay to be empathetic without being sympathetic.  I can see things from other people’s positions without excusing their behavior.  The example she used was if someone changes their name and someone repeatedly mispronounces it, the person who mispronounces the name shows a lack of effort on their part.

When she used that example, the floodgates opened and I began letting loose and screaming about the host and the comedian from the show, wishing they would’ve tried harder.  I realized that making the same mistakes ten times in one night showed that they just didn’t care very much.  I realized that while it’s not their job to care, it’s also not my job to placate them when I feel disrespected.

The balance for me is still very challenging.  Asserting my needs is hard enough, but I’m also afraid that if I begin speaking up for myself, I’ll start blaming others for my anger instead of owning up to my feelings.

The way I’ve reconciled this is by absolving myself from being concerned with how others feel.  I trust myself enough to not hurt others intentionally, and if I do, I’ll apologize.  But I’ve stopped presuming that any type of correction or speaking up for myself is a burden on another person.  I can ask for what I want without constantly worrying about what this does to other people’s feelings because I’m also entitled to respect.  This doesn’t mean I have to be harsh; I can speak the truth while also being tactful.

I think that being empathetic without necessarily being sympathetic is a great compromise, especially when you feel anger and resentment rising up.  If you’re constantly catering to other people’s needs without thinking about your own needs, your level of internalized anger will increase significantly.  Conversely, if you’re vilifying others and labeling them as a “bad person” without any empathy whatsoever, you’ll become overly resentful of others.

Asserting yourself while being empathetic to others is a very freeing feeling.  When you direct your anger at the right people without perceiving them as a “bad person,” you’ll get the anger out of your system before it simmers and gets out of control, and you’ll feel a sense of self-respect.

No matter how much you understand another person’s positions, you should speak up for yourself anyway because your voice deserves to be heard.

Don’t Want to Fight? Tips from Couples Who Don’t

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

I sometimes like to think of these people as lucky, but really they’re just smart. They approach their relationship the right way, and because of it are extremely happy.

Likely you know at least one couple that you sometimes look at and think, “How are they so happy together all the time? Do they know a secret that I don’t?” Chances are, they might. It’s quite possible that very couple practices some habits of couples who never fight, and therefore are as happy as could be with each other. If you’re in a relationship where fighting happens every day, take a breeze through this article and check out the helpful hints as to why some couples never fight. It could end up changing the way you approach your relationship, especially if your partner is on board with making a few changes as well.

Let’s be honest — it’s doubtful there has ever in the creation of time been a long-term couple who hasn’t gotten into at least a teeny disagreement. It’s just impractical to think partners will see eye-to-eye on everything all the time. However, there are the blessed individuals who are in a relationship where varying views on things are discussed rationally, rather than through arguments. I sometimes like to think of these people as lucky, but really they’re just smart. They approach their relationship the right way, and because of it are extremely happy. They might be making us all jealous, but perhaps we can emulate what they’re doing and get to that happy place ourselves, too.

For those who want to increase that happiness in their relationships, here are six habits of couples who never fight for you and your partner to try on for size.

1. They Prioritize Each Other

Of course, having career goals and aspirations is incredibly important; however, happy couples know that they also need to make their partner something of importance in their life as well, according to Relevant Magazine.The outlet said that happy couples know that even when they’re stretched for time, the one area they won’t cut back on is spending time with their partner. As with many things in life, relationships require the right kind of nurturing.

2. They Compliment Each Other

You know what the couples who aren’t fighting are spending their words on? Compliments. First off, anyone knows getting a compliment from anyone makes you feel good (and is a mega-ego booster), but when it comes from your partner it can feel even better. According to PsychCentral.com, telling your partner how amazing they are is a bona fide way to keep you happy — and avoid unnecessary fighting. According to the article by social worker Marcia Naomi Berger, “compliments set a positive tone for collaborative discussion.” Also, it helps encourage each partner to do nice things for each other, another major bonus.

3. They Practice Forgiveness Regularly

The motto here is forgive and forget, according to Real Simple. The outlet cited forgiveness as one of the main things practiced by happy couples. It makes sense — the more you hold on to anger the more it seems to boil up, which would lead to a potentially explosive fight. Forgiving quickly and moving on seems much better all around.

4. They’re Touchy-Feely

It’s been said time and time again that couples who show affection are the happiest. According to Psychology Today, happy couples prioritize emotional and physical intimacy — even things as simple as holding hands or hugging. Happy couples, the outlet said, are the ones who often express affection in gestures (and in words, too, like the compliments we discussed).

5. They Make Sex A Regular Thing

You know when people say, “Sex isn’t everything”? Well, they are semi-correct in that it’s not everything, but it surely is important in terms of happiness. According to an analysis reported on by Reader’s Digest, 60 percent of extremely happy couples have sex three or four times a week. Yes, this includes people who have been married for decades.

6. They Communicate

Communication is top of the chain in regards to having a healthy and happy relationship — and a good way to prevent fighting, according to the American Psychological Association (APA). This communication between happy couples runs across all topics, from daily household responsibilities to personal subjects like work, to things that might seem difficult to talk about. The APA said bottling up emotions and feelings can lead to resentment (and you guessed it, big fights). Also worth noting is that those in happy and healthy relationships, according to APA, are kind when communicating, and avoid negative communication patterns like anger.

If your relationship is littered with arguments, consider implementing some of these habits as a means of cutting back the fights. You and your SO might be able to turn it all around, and reach that truly happy place where arguments rarely exist.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Better Odds, Love or Arranged Marriage?

by Maria Shehatain LOVE

My grandparents were basically doing the same thing as dating site algorithms, just with higher stakes. 

My parents met in Cairo for the first time in 1971, and three days later they got married. Not because they were swept off their feet, but because they were ready to get married. Introduced to each other through their parents as two people with similar religious backgrounds and goals, they talked, neither one hated the other, so they got married. They were an arranged marriage, and they’re still together. Through thick and thin, good times and bad, good kids and insufferable rebellious teenager turned stand up comedian, they made it work. They used to offer to fix me up with someone, which was always met with an immediate “What, are you fucking insane?” I eventually found someone on my own, so now that it’s not a reality, I feel comfortable in entertaining the whole idea. It did take me years to find someone good, and it was never because of a lack of meeting people. New dating apps come out every week, and I’d sign up, completing each profile on autofill. I met guys all the time, but there was always something wrong. There was always a reason I didn’t want to commit, or vice versa. Most of my friends are in similar boats, a large percentage of us are sailing into our late thirties and early forties, single, and sick of mingling. Maybe this whole dating thing wasted a lot of my time, searching for that almost laughable concept of “soulmate.” If love grows in arranged marriages, and fades in love marriages, would it have been so awful to just let them choose, and use that extra time to focus on myself?

I asked my dad if, when he was introduced to my mom, he had to say yes, that was it, no questions asked. He said, “No of course not. It was our choice. I met a few other women before I met your mom.” I mentally flipped through all the different people I would have been if he’d married any of those other women. Then I thought about all the epic fights my mom and dad had over the years (I didn’t say their marriage was perfect), and I asked “Why’d you pick mom?” “She was cute.”

Cool, well, can’t judge you there, dad. It’s basically a swipe right, isn’t it? My grandparents were basically doing the same thing as dating site algorithms, just with higher stakes. Both methods find people with similar interests, values, and backgrounds, and you can decide if you’re attracted to them or not. But the major difference between dating apps and ethnic parents is, dating apps offer an endless amount of options. We have a world of people literally at our fingertips that we toss away like sifting through DVDs in a discount bin at Best Buy. If we could somehow eliminate all the options down to, say, five, and you HAVE to pick one to marry, you’d be happier with your choice. On the Bachelor, all those girls fell in love with their only option. Dan Gilbert, author of Stumbling on Happiness, said in his Ted talk, “The freedom to choose, to change and make up your mind, is the enemy of synthetic happiness…The psychological immune system works best when we are totally stuck… You’re married to a guy who picks his nose….eh, he has a heart of gold, don’t touch the fruit cake. You find a way to be happy.”

But limited options aren’t the only reason less arranged marriages end in divorce. They are also practiced in cultures with societal and religious pressure to stay together. In America, we’ve all heard it, one in two marriages end in divorce. We’ve all accepted this, and we seem to enter into a contract of marriage the way we get a tattoo. If we really hate it later, we can get rid of it. We may be bound by law, but only until we would pay anything to get out of it. So for an arranged marriage to work in this society, we would have to make it illegal to divorce.

While that will never be a reality, there are a couple things we can borrow from the concept. Don’t throw someone away because you don’t immediately feel a spark. If they have a heart of gold, a healthy drive, and take showers, that spark could happen eventually. And when you inevitably get into arguments, stick it out. There were plenty of times over the years, my parent’s fought so much even us kids were presenting them with divorce papers. But now that they are older, I see them getting along more. Maybe it’s empty nest, maybe because they are getting old and need each other, but they are softer towards each other. Their’s is still a partnership, no matter how much they fought over the years. Their marriage isn’t ideal, and of course if you can marry your best friend, do it. But in love or arranged marriages, if we ignored the unlimited amount of options, and had more resolve to stick with it, maybe we won’t spend half our lives tossing away an endless sea of faces with good hearts.

What Your Text Punctuation Means About You in Relationship

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

The way you use an exclamation point can change your dating life.

Texting removes the vocal cues we once used to overanalyze if someone liked us. Now we have to look at 140 to 160 characters — and with less raw data to work with, our overanalyzing hits a whole different level of insanity. One key aspect of that insanity is reading way too much into every nuance of every text message, especially punctuation. So … here are the clues his/her punctuation choices are sending (and also the clues you’re sending right back).

1. PERIOD.

Meaning: You don’t want to keep going back and forth all night.

In texting, you don’t have to end a sentence with any punctuation. It’s totally acceptable to just let it dangle. So using a period gives a certain air of finality to a statement. Compare:

I’m heading out to the party now.
I’m heading out to the party now

In the first one, the meaning is clear: we’ve had our back-and-forth over text, but I have plans, and they do not include continuing this conversation — period. In the second one, without the period, it feels much more open-ended — I’m heading out to the party now but who knows what I’m doing later, and you just might be part of it. Periods end things. Leaving one out keeps things open.

2. EXCLAMATION POINT!

Meaning: Something between playful and desperate, depending on usage.

The exclamation point is the most valuable punctuation mark you have in your arsenal, but it’s also the most dangerous. When used properly, a single exclamation point can set a light tone, convey excitement, and even demonstrate interest. Compare:

Sounds good. Not sure if we’re going but I might see you at the party. If you leave, let me know
Sounds good. Not sure if we’re going but I might see you at the party. If you leave, let me know!

The person in the second example seems far, far more interested in getting together … and did it without changing a word.

It’s always better to play it cool than to play it like a 12-year-old writing YouTube comments.
But be careful. Exclamation points are the most abused piece of punctuation in our world today. When you start overusing exclamation points, you look like an amateur:

Sounds good! Not sure if we’re going but I might see you at the party! If you leave, let me know!

The first exclamation point is OK … the second is way too overeager … and the third is just flat-out desperate. And when in doubt, get rid of the exclamation point. It’s always better to play it cool than to play it like a 12-year-old writing YouTube comments.

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Prehistoric Humans May have Started Favoring Monogamy Because of This

by zfortadminin LOVE

It’s nice to think that monogamy is something that came about because people were just that into each other, but new research is here to crush that dream.

A study from the University of Waterloo found that prehistoric humans may have started favoring monogamy (and looking down at polygamy) thanks to sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and peer pressure. Clearly, the stuff of prehistoric romance.

For their research, scientists used computer-modeling techniques to simulate the evolution of different mating behaviors in human populations based on demographics and disease transmission. They discovered that, as hunter-gatherers started settling in one place and living in larger populations, STIs like gonorrhea, syphilis, and chlamydia were more likely to spread. The price of civilization is high.

When the STIs infiltrated the population, it decreased fertility rates among men with multiple sex partners. Unfortunately, there was no medication or Planned Parenthood to come to the rescue back in the day. Since dudes weren’t down with making less babies, they changed their mating behavior to allow them to produce more offspring and act in a way that was better for the group. This was also probably the origin of the phrase “taking one for the team.”

Groups that practiced monogamy ended up becoming bigger than those that didn’t and, since there’s power in numbers, they could overpower those that were still polygamous. And there you have it.

Researchers point out that this probably isn’t the only reason we shifted toward a more monogamous society, since, hello, female choice also played a role, but it’s an interesting model.

So next time you get misty-eyed over a friend’s wedding, just know what’s really behind the union: The deep-seeded fear of STIs.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Self Love and Loving Another… Finding the Balance

by zfortadminin LOVE

“We love because it is the only true adventure.” ~Nikki Giovanni 

Last night I sat with an old friend who has recently broken up with his girlfriend. He’s sad. She’s sad.

I don’t think it was time for them to give up yet; he’s exhausted and disagrees. He says he thinks that he just loves to love. When you love to love, he says, it’s impossible to separate the act of loving from the person that you’re actually supposed to love.

He thinks that he’s too much in love with the idea of love to actually know what he wants. And so, he argues, giving her another chance would be futile.  

I know what he means, because I love to love, too.

When I met my boyfriend, Chase, I thought I had been in love before. In fact, I was positive of it. I had built a life out of a dating and relationship blog—of course I had been in love before.

There was only one relationship that stood out from the masses of little flings, and for a time, he was my world. We met in college (although he wasn’t in school, a sign of different horizons that would eventually be the pitfall of our short-lived romance). And we developed our own little cocoon which quickly meant everything to me.

I had grown up with a happy home life, two parents that met, fell in love, and then stayed together. I had an (albeit naive) perspective that when you meet the right person, you fall in love, and that’s that.

I never doubted him for a minute; this was what was supposed to happen. I trusted it, the process of companionship, and I let myself settle into having someone.

After only a few short months together, he said he needed to move since he could no longer afford to live Boulder, where I was going to college at the time, so we made the decision to move in together.

Whether he meant that or not I’m unsure. I had more financial resources and was able to subsidize the move—a theme that stretched throughout the majority of our time together.

That decision to move in together felt like every other decision we made—an initial excitement that then was held together by necessity.

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Decoding When He Touches Your Leg

by zfortadminin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Biologically, we are hardwired for communication – our fingertips have a huge number of nerve endings and are one of the most sensitive parts of the human body.

Sense of touch also plays a very important part in our romantic and emotional relationships. Men and women exchange body contact all the time, in many situations. But sometimes, it’s hard for women to differentiate between contact that may have a sexual meaning, and that which doesn’t.

So, what does it mean if a guy is touching you? Here are some answers to this question:

Face

We judge beauty by the symmetry and other facial features. Lips and kissing, on the other hand, are two of the most important aspects of our sexuality.

The importance of the face is obvious, and that’s why we rarely let anyone touch it. A stranger on the subway can touch our hand, but we won’t let him touch our face, and everybody instinctively knows this.

If a man touches you on your cheeks or any other part of your face, it’s a sign he desires to be closer to you, even if he is masking it in a neutral gesture like removing an eyelash. If he wasn’t interested in you, he would probably point it out verbally, and not go ahead and touch you.

Hair

The hair carries a big statement about our personality. It is seen by all and at the same time, it’s a way we send a message to the world. If a guy is touching your hair he is responding to your statement, most likely in a positive way. This doesn’t always involve a romantic motive, but it easily can. If he continues touching you, the probable answer is – yes.

Hands

Hands are the part of your body designed for touching. A lot of social gestures like handshakes or high-fives are common place in many cultures. Mostly, these gestures are devoid of any emotion. Yet, the duration of hand-to-hand touch can say a lot about its meaning.

If a guy holds your hand longer every time you great each other, there might be something there. Be aware of this the next time he touches your hand in any way.

Maybe he is trying to tell you something.

Legs

For the majority of men, women’s legs are a big turn-on. A light touch on your thighs, especially if you’re sitting down and facing the man you’re talking to, is always a way to become more intimate. Sometimes men will act as if they touched you accidentally.

This is probably a way of testing your reaction. Usually, if they conclude you’re into them, the next touch will be a longer, but equally light, caress across the length of your leg.

Back

Touching someone’s back carries a message of support and reassurance. It probably originated in ancient history, when people literally needed someone to “have their back”. But this is true for your upper back, and the area just beneath the shoulder bones.

If his touch gets lower, it carries a more intimate meaning. The area of the lower back is really sensitive and the longer a guy leaves his hand on this part of your body, the more you can be sure he is attracted to you.

Shoulders

In our culture, tapping on the shoulders is seen as a universal gesture of compliment. A boss will pat his subordinate on the shoulder after a successful project, and a sports coach will do the same to his players.

If a man touches you like this, he is either doing the same, or maybe using the opportunity to get close to you. This is even more likely if that guy is normally shy and introverted.

Sides and Hips

A woman’s sides, waist and hips have a strong sexual symbolism. In one sense, they represent the woman’s ability to bear children (remember those caveman figurines that represent women with enormous hips). If a guy is touching you in this area and you’re standing face-to-face, this is a clear indication that he wants to pull you closer.

Don’t be surprised if he tries to kiss after this particular touch, especially if it lasts for more than a second.

As you can see, touching can mean a lot of things in a lot of situations. Have faith in your knowledge about different touches as well as your gut feelings about them.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Millennials Dish on Dating Older

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

May-December romances are frequently misunderstood. When you’re dating someone older, people might assume that the dynamic of the relationship is unhealthy or fundamentally unequal.

The ‘gold digger’ stigma can also come into play, and suggests that people choose older partners solely for their money.

“It’s a time-honored tradition in Hollywood for older men to date younger women, and cougar couples have become all the rage as well,” the New York Daily News explained, in an introduction to a slideshow on the May-December relationship trope in the entertainment industry.

To learn more about what these relationships are really like, ATTN: reached out to four people who have dated someone older than themselves via email about their experiences and relationship advice.

Here are five tips for dating someone older than you.

1. Ignore the haters.

When your partner looks visibly older than you, people might get a little nasty.

Courtney Croft, a 26-year-old Nashville-based anthropologist married to a 40-year-old man, explained that while she and her partner didn’t encounter too many problems in their personal lives, other people didn’t always react well to their relationship.

“Most of the issues stemmed from other people’s initial negative reactions of us being together. It really weirded people out. I had some people flat out say it was gross that I was with someone so much older,” Croft said. “Or that certainly he had ill-intentions, because why else would a man his age be interested in someone so young? Now that we’ve been together for five years, that happens less frequently, but when he lets his beard grow out, which is gray, and we’re out in public together, we still get questioning looks from strangers.”

These stereotypes can also be internalized. Maya L., a 25-year-old writer who declined to give her last name, told ATTN: she had dated a 37-year-old man at 25, and a 29-year-old man when she was 22.

“I try to be open-minded, but sometimes you have to wonder why they’re at where they’re at. Is it weird they’re dating me (a child)?” she joked. “Is it weird they’ve been divorced, or weird that they’ve never been married?”

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How to Navigate the Grace Period

by Christian Cintronin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Whether you’re hazy about commitment, new to a relationship, or playing the field it’s best to approach this grace period with honesty and mutual respect.

Dating is like buying a house. It may not be a particularly romantic metaphor, but they weren’t lying when they said, “Home is where your heart is.” Real relationships require work and commitment just like purchasing a new home. Before you move into a new house there is an escrow period. Why should your relationship be any different? There is a grace period after you met someone you really like and before you’ve decided to purchase a one-way ferry ticket to Monogamy Island? But how do you navigate this period? How do you talk about the rather tense subject of potentially sleeping with other people? And how do you ultimately know when you’re ready to commit?

Courtship has changed over the past 50 years. There was a simpler time when people got married as virgins, chaperones accompanied people on dates, and doctors endorsed cigarettes. But our sexually liberated times have given rise to people taking control over their sexual wants and needs. That’s great, but that can leave a lot of people with a murky understanding of what’s “normal” in dating. You probably don’t tell someone you’ve just met you’ve been casually seeing a few guys. You probably don’t want to spend your fourth date talking about Julia, your friend with benefits. You may not even want to mention them until you’ve dissolved your benefits agreement. But it’s important to find a balance between honesty and consideration for your and your partner’s feelings.

I personally have been on the receiving end of many an awkward conversation with guys I’ve really liked. “Sorry, I’ve been dating a couple of people and it’s really working out with someone else.” It’s like a gunshot wound to the chest. Here you are picking out china patterns and not only are you no longer in the running for America’s Next Top Partner your “relationship” was a figment of your imagination. That’s a tough, dry pill to swallow but it is a harsh reality for the new arena of dating in a post-Tinder, post-Sex and the City, pre-Apocalypse dating world. People will be dating, sleeping with, and talking to other people and you will need to find a way to navigate that space.

Whether you’re hazy about commitment, new to a relationship, or playing the field it’s best to approach this grace period with honesty and mutual respect. Let’s say you’ve met someone you really like and things are going really well. After a few dates you will want to check in on how you both are feeling. It doesn’t need to be a grandiose conversation about commitment. You will want to clear up if you are casually dating or seriously seeing each other. You may want to ask if they are seeing other people and disclose if you are. It’s also a good time to calmly tease your feelings on monogamy. It will be unclear until you mention it. Finding out your shiny new dance partner is dating a few other people can be a huge shock. So why not temper the surprise by being as honest as you can as early as you can? I have found it’s best to be honest because then you and your partner can approach your relationship as it is rather than how you both want it to be.

As your relationship progresses you’ll want to have periodic check-ins to be clear about how you are both seeing your future together. Do you want to be in a committed relationship, would you prefer a throuple, are you interested in open relationships? These are important conversations you will want to organically come to. You don’t need to push them, force them, or turn them into a huge confrontation. But it’s good to clear the air. Your best bet is a calm, casual four sentence conversation. You ask a question, they answer, you accept what they say, and you move on. This will avoid any needless escalation or discomfort. In my experience it’s good to ask and be as open and diplomatic as possible. If you feel the situation starting to escalate try to just reiterate your commitment and excitement about the relationship. That way you don’t let fear or insecurity needlessly escalate the situation.

Handling these conversations can be tough. It’s easy for these honest moments to unearth a lot of baggage. The key is to be honest, open-minded and respectful. If your partner tells you they have opposing political views you wouldn’t immediately break up so why should you do that if you have different views on sex, relationships and boundaries. Sometimes the biggest hurdle to establishing healthy and happy relationships is our own personal idealized version of a relationship. That great person you are spending time with is a full-fledged human being so entertain their individual beliefs, opinions and experiences. If you have a calm conversation you can understand how the other person sees your relationship and how they see you. Now this doesn’t guarantee a marriage proposal or that you will not break up. But it does guarantee that you’re on an even playing field and having a healthy conversation. It also ensures you are entering into a relationship with the healthiest perspective you can.

There is no right or wrong way to date. There are billions of people on the planet and there’s someone out there for everyone. But you can never go wrong with establishing honest conversations with people you sleep with and date. If you are honest and open during this grace period it will help you establish healthy patterns and develop organic intimacy as your authentic self. That’s better than implying monogamy if you’re not ready or dating a few people. It also allows you to see how well you can communicate, empathize, and handle tense conversations. Even if it doesn’t go well you’ve worked on the key skills to a healthy long-term relationship for next time. Once you’ve done that you’re in a better position to make it work or attract your right match.