DATING ADVICE Archives - Page 11 of 16

Why I am Loving the First Date

June 11, 2017January 22, 2024 by Kelley Lynnin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

So while I’m waiting on love to come my way, I have come to really appreciate the truly special gifts, that come from a first date.

It was not my plan to be single again. It was not my plan to be suddenly widowed after only have 4 years of marriage with my beautiful husband, or to try to navigate through modern-day dating and dating sites. No, none of these things were my plan.

So, about a year and a half ago, when I was finally ready to actively go out into the dating world again with my full suit of armor, I was on the defense. I was hesitant, scared, and downright suspicious of all these “new men” I was meeting. What were their intentions? Were they out to hurt me? Would I ever find true love again, or would I be forced to keep going on these endless dates, until eternity?

I still don’t know the answers, but lately, I have begun to enjoy the process of figuring out the questions. Lately, I have told myself to stop over-analyzing everything, and start to be in the moment of each date. Stop being overly-suspicious, and instead, be openly-cautious and aware. Stop making judgments about men too early on, assuming that they aren’t right for me, or that this one can’t possibly understand where I’m coming from in life. I have tried to dial back my instinct to be impatient, and turn up the volume on enjoying the new-ness of a first date. Sure, things have certainly changed a whole lot in the world of dating these days, but the special-ness of that very first date is still there, if you want it to be. I should know. I have been on a LOT of first dates over the past couple years, an I have collected a lot of special memories and moments. There is something about a first date, that has a sense of magic. Here are 5 reasons why:

THAT NERVOUS FEELING:

It is 2 hours before the big date, and you are getting ready in your bedroom. You have put on nail polish and even toenail polish, for the first time in ages. You keep changing your mind between the white blouse and flattering jeans, or the bright blue more casual but fun shirt, with leggings. How casual is too casual? What If I’m overdressed? Do these shoes look okay? Do guys even look at shoes? I hope not, because I haven’t bought new ones in ages. You give your eye makeup that extra something to make your lashes stand out. You re-apply your lipstick, and your peppermint body spritzer. You anxiously drive yourself to the restaurant or pub or coffee shop or meeting location, getting there nice and early so you can control getting that first glance at him in person, before he sees you. These kind of nerves are probably even more intense these days, if you are on the dating sites, like I am.

In the old days, before the internet, you would most likely meet someone through friends or at school or work. If you were a man, you would maybe see a girl you liked, and ask her out in person. In today’s world, the online dating scene takes place in steps. For me, when a guy sends me that first message of interest, I go take a look at his online profile page to determine if I might be interested. If I am, I reply, and the conversation exchange begins. This usually goes on for a few days on the site, and then we exchange numbers. Then the texting begins. Then the phone calls, to hear each other’s voices. By the time my new guy and I meet in person, usually its at least a couple weeks or longer that we have been communicating. There is a lot of build-up. Will he look like his pictures? Will there be chemistry in person? How will I know if it’s going well? Will he kiss me? Will I want him to? These are all things you get nervous about, and those nerves give you adrenaline in the hours and minutes leading up to the date.

Your palms are sweating. Your heart is racing. That nervous feeling is everywhere inside you, and its a good thing. It makes you feel alive.

THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE:

First dates are an adventure. You never quite know what to expect. Now, this is not always a positive thing. Sometimes these surprises can be not what you had hoped or planned on. Such as: “Surprise! I look nothing at all like my pictures, and I’m clearly at least 20 years older than I said I was!” Or “Surprise! Hope you brought your wallet, because Im not paying for your dinner today!” Or “Surprise! Remember how I told you I was divorced? Yeah, well, not so much. More like seperated. But not officially. Yet. So basically I’m married. You cool with that?”

In the beginning, these types of surprises used to anger me and upset me greatly. Over time, however, I have learned not to take things like this personally, and I’ve also learned how to spot men like this much earlier than the first date, so as to avoid this from happening completely. Also, these types of surprises are definitely not the norm for my first dates. Sure, these things have happened, but only a small handful of times.

The element of surprise that I’m talking about on a first date, lies in the very fact that you don’t know this person, and they don’t know you. Yet. You are getting to know each other, and doing that flirty thing, and figuring them out, a little bit at a time. And that can be quite fun, especially once you let go of expectations about someone, and just stay in the moment of whats happening. One date I had surprised me by taking me to a gorgeous park with an outdoor ampi-theatre that sat on a lake. He took my hand and led me down the woods trail, and sat us in the pavilion, where we shared kisses and cuddling time. Another first date and I went for ice-cream, followed by stopping by an arcade to play video games, which was a total blast. I have been surprised also from many of my dates, by their life background, and some of their past jobs and experiences. One guy told me of his days working as a bouncer in a strip club. Another had a great story of meeting a stripper (unbeknownst to him) on a dating site. (lots of these stories involve strippers apparently.) I was surprised to find out that another one of my dates lived at home with his mother, but not for the reasons you might think. It was his home, and he took his elderly mother in, because his dad had died years ago, and she had Alzheimers. He didn’t want to see her living alone, and he didn’t want to put her in a nursing home, so he takes care of her. Another date used to be involved in the mafia/mob world, although he made it a point to tell me that “we don’t call it that.” The element of surprise is fun on a date with a new person, because you don’t really know whats going to happen. And that can be really exciting.

GETTING TO KNOW SOMEONE NEW:

When I first starting dating, I was annoyed that I had to keep getting to know new people, over and over again. I was annoyed at having to explain my own story, to multiple new people. It felt repetitive and robotic. Lately though, something in me has shifted, and I have started to enjoy hearing about other people’s lives. I have started to enjoy the process of getting to know someone, little by little. How does he listen? What are his interests? His little quirks? What does he like to eat? What are his views on politics and religion? How does he treat people? I like to sort of sit back and watch it all unfold. It used to irritate me that I had already done that with my late husband – I already told him all my stuff, and I didn’t feel like doing that all over again with someone new. But now I focus more on their stuff, and getting to know them, and their world. And its fascinating (not always – theres lots of boring people out there) finding out things about someone. When you open your mind to someone’s world, they will open their world to you. And getting lost in that, can be loads of fun.

CHIVALRY IS NOT DEAD (REALLY!):

My late husband was a gentleman. He always opened the car door for me, paid for everything when we would go out, and generally always made me feel like I was 100% safe while in his presence. He was always protecting me from any harm, while still being fully aware and proud that I am a modern, smart, independent woman. So, when I entered the dating world, this was something that I very much wanted in a new relationship. A man who knows how to treat a lady like a lady, but who also recognizes her independence and doesn’t see himself as superior to her in any way. Now, one of the great things about modern dating is that, on the dating sites, you can lay out everything you want and desire in a person, right there on your profile page. It doesn’t mean you are going to GET all of those things, but it does up the chances that a man who reads your profile and then contacts you with interest, will most likely BE some of the things you are seeking after. So, in my case, I have met quite a few men that have proven themselves to be true gentlemen, some being more “old school” than others. One man I met and knew for awhile, not only held the car door open for me, but also came around from the drivers side to walk over, and help me out of the car by offering his hand. And not only would he NEVER allow a lady to pay the bill, I couldn’t even SEE the bill. He wouldn’t let me look at it, because that is how he was raised by his dad. Another first date showed up with one single red rose, and led me around the neighborhood for the afternoon, putting his hand out anytime there was a curb or pothole in the street for me to watch out for. Two first dates came to my house to pick me up, came inside, and met my parents. One man took me for dinner at a really nice restaurant, and expressed his annoyance at a younger man sitting at a nearby table, wearing his baseball hat while inside the restaurant. “That’s so disrespectful”, he said, and it really bothered him. When I used the restroom, I found him standing just outside of it, holding my jacket out, to help me into it before we left. Another first date showed up at my home with a potted plant of Easter lilies, and addressed my parents as Ma’am and Sir. On my most recent first date, we met at a local bakery, and when I arrived, he was already at the table. When I entered the restaurant, he stood for me, pulled out my chair, and got me seated. On the table, he had pre-set a potted plant/flowers, and a cupcake box with my favorite vanilla cupcake, written in icing “Hello. Now, that is classy. Now, I have met MANY guys in my time of dating, that were not gentleman, and did not act this way. But, I will say, I have been surprised, in the best of ways, at how many men out there ARE chivalrous and gentlemanly. I think its a really wonderful thing that there are parents out there, that have raised their boys to respect and honor women, and to treat them both like ladies, and like equals.

THAT FIRST KISS:

For me, the best part of a first date, is that first kiss. I used to say that I can’t wait to have my last, first kiss – because that will mean I have found love again. And while that is still true, over time, I have come to appreciate and even look forward to, experiencing first kisses with a whole LOT of first dates. Now, everyone is different, but I am not the kind of girl that will go very far physically on a first date. However, I AM the kind of girl who, if the chemistry is there and it feels right, will do a good amount of kissing on a first date. I love kissing, and over this past year and a half or so, I have kissed quite a few guys. There are a lot of great kissers out there. Some are good, some are great, and others are off-the-charts, weak in the knees amazing. One first date I had recently, I found him arrogant and cocky and a bit self-absorbed, but he was probably one of the best kissers I’ve ever experienced, ever. We must have sat in his car for an hour, just kissing each other. Sometimes they get that first kiss out of the way upfront. Other times, its more unexpected, while standing outside of his truck, and he tells you straight up: “I really want to kiss you. Close your eyes.” Other times, you find yourself asking bravely out of nowhere: “So, are you gonna kiss me or what?” That first kiss is filled with so much intensity, passion, and anxiousness. It just feels so wonderful and perfect, feeling someone else’s lips touching yours, and lingering there. And people have such different kissing techniques. I think I might keep going on first dates, just so I can keep kissing different guys. There is so much possibility in that first kiss.

So while I’m waiting on love to come my way, I have come to really appreciate the truly special gifts, that come from a first date. Love is a beautiful thing, and I want that more than ever. But, I’m not sure if I’m ready to give up on all of the unique things that can only happen, on a first date. There is only one first date with the same person, but there are MANY first dates, on the road to finding that person. Right now, I’m enjoying that ride.

Can Cat People and Dog People Live Happily Ever After? An Investigation.

June 23, 2017January 22, 2024 by Kelley Lynnin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Interviews with dozens of animal lovers reveal three things you should know.

You’ve heard it before. People saying things like: “I’m not a dog person”, or “I’m really more of a cat person,” or even: “I’m allergic to both, and I don’t like pets. They are too much work.”

You’ve also heard things like: “My dog is my baby. I bring her everywhere!”, or “if he doesn’t like my kitty Muffles, there’s no way we will get along!”

While the complications of having a partner who has an opposing political or religious view is often talked about at length, the subject of “pet opposites” rarely gets discussed. So I set out to dig deeper into the feelings of “I hate cats” people and the “I’m terrified of dogs” people, and even the “I like turtles and bugs” people, to see if cats and dogs, and the people who love them, truly can live in peace together.

In short, what my investigation revealed was this: there are a few key elements and themes to keep in mind when trying to cohabitate with a partner who is your pet-opposite.

Know Your Limits

While in an ideal world, compromise is bliss, sometimes there are situations that just aren’t going to work.

Sarah found this out when she dated a man who seemed to put his beloved pet German Shepherd, ahead of her needs, time and time again.

“I understand that having a dog is time-consuming, and I even get it that for most dog people, their dog is a part of the family. That’s fine. But when my boyfriend kept cancelling dates on me because his dog Betsy needed another walk, or one time because ‘she looks so comfortable in my lap and I cant move her’, I had to draw the line. But the last straw was when I was in the hospital after a car accident, and he didn’t come visit me, because the dog just threw up. I was in the hospital! So, at that point, I realized where I fit on his list of priorities.

“It had nothing to do with the dog. The dog wasn’t the issue for me. The issue was my boyfriend’s lack of caring skills for his very human girlfriend.”

While this may seem extreme to some, it’s not. Lots of pet lovers will do almost anything for their pets, even if it means sacrificing a relationship.

Its up to each individual to decide what they can and cannot handle, and to make sure that you and your partner share the same priorities.

Oftentimes, it’s the pet that makes the decisions on who should be in the pet owner’s life. Bobette said plainly: “I had a cat several years ago. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache if I had simply ditched any man that my cat hissed at.”

Conversion Can Happen

It’s funny what true love will do. There are many couples who start out as total pet-opposites, but over time, the non-pet-lover turns into the biggest pet lover of all, and nobody saw it coming.

Jenny dated a man who said he hated cats with a passion. While they were together, he had no choice but to spend lots of time with her three cats. The couple broke up and remained friends, and now, the cat-hater has had nine cats of his own over the years.

Paula tells the lovely story of being in a current relationship with a cat lover, while she herself is allergic to cats. Being a dog person herself, her dog Pepsi was a huge part of her life. Pepsi was often jealous and possessive when the couple would kiss each other. But over time, Pepsi won Paula’s non-dog-loving partner over. When Paula was away, her man would take care of the dog, and would also sneak him treats when he was feeling playful. Paula says her man went with her when she had to put her sweet Pepsi down.

And according to her, he cried just as much as she did.

Jill shares that her man’s total conversion happened over time. “When we first started dating, he hated cats and I had an orange tabby. A lot later on, I brought a kitten home, and my man didn’t want me to. Fast-forward six months later, both my cats regularly climb off my lap, just to go over and snuggle with him. And he seems to like it.”

Lisa says that her husband was a dog person. One day, while at work, someone brought in some kittens “and he refused to hold the one I was petting, until I shoved it into his arms. The cat snuggled against him and he fell in love, and agreed with me that we had to take it home. I still think he did it because he was in love with me.”

It’s About Compromise

In the end, just like with anything, it’s not really about the cat or dog or turtle or parrot. It’s about compromise, and sacrifice, and communication.

If you are with the right person, and you are willing to put effort into those things, then a pet-opposite relationship can definitely work and be very successful.

Linda and Kevin are the perfect example. When they got engaged, Linda moved into Kevin’s home, along with her three parrots. Kevin was not used to having loud birds, never mind three of them, but he loves Linda more than he hates her birds, and so he compromised.

The couple uses their home office as their bird room. The door stays shut and the room is adjacent to their patio, so the birds also get a sense of being outdoors. The noise level is controlled by a noise machine kept in the room, to minimize all the yapping parrot chatter.

Although Kevin has not developed a love for the birds, he has come to understand his now-wife a lot more, and loves her empathy and big heart for animals. In return, she appreciates the space he created for her pets, and the fact that she was never asked to give them up.

Jason and his partner Eric have two dogs, and though they both love them dearly, they have different opinions about whether or not the large dogs should be allowed in the bed. While Jason loves snuggling with the dogs and letting them sleep there with them, Eric finds it distracting.

“It’s one thing when your partner is stealing all the blankets, or taking up more than half the bed — but I draw the line when my dog is kicking me out of my own bed because he won’t move!”

Since Jason gets up three hours later than Eric for work on a typical day, their solution is as follows: They keep their bedroom door closed to the dogs through the night. At 5 a.m., Eric gets up for work, takes the dogs for an early short walk, and then leaves the bedroom door open for them to have the option of snuggling up with Jason for that three hour period. Since he is up and getting ready for work and then leaving, he doesn’t have to put up with the dogs in his bed, and Jason gets to have a few hours of cuddly time with his beloved pets.

My favorite compromise story comes from Michael and Susan, who met at the office they both work at, and it was love at first sight… Until Susan went over to Michael’s place for the first time so he could make her dinner. She had to leave after 20 minutes, because she couldn’t breathe.

Michael had a cat, and Susan’s allergies were beyond extreme, even with inhalers and meds. Susan could not be in the same home where cat dander had been. Her eyes were puffy and she could barely see, and her throat began to close up.

After a few months of dating Susan, Michael decided he wanted to marry her. He told Susan that he loved her so much, he figured out a way to keep his kitty in his life, but out of his home. He made plans with his twin brother to have the cat live with him, about six miles down the road. Michael’s brother would act as main caretaker of the cat, but Michael would keep a key and stop by daily on his way home from the office, to bond with his cat for a half hour and give her dinner. After a top to bottom cleaning of Michael’s home, Susan was able to move in after they got married, and they lived happily ever after.

In the end, love wins.

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5 Love Lessons I Learned While Driving for Lyft

July 13, 2017January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Buckle in for some magical ride oversharing.

Like a lot of LA denizens, I write and act and also drive passengers for Lyft rideshare. I meet all kinds of people with all kinds of love lives, which many times they tell me about. Here’s a selection of lessons I have learned from my passengers.

The Ride With The Puppy

Dude gets in the car holding a pink box and a puppy, but looking sad.

Me: Oh wow! A box of donuts and a puppy! Are you gonna make someone’s morning or what?
Sad dude: well, I wanted to, but she threw the donuts back in my face.
Me: oh.
Sad dude: and the puppy. She also threw the puppy in my face.
Me: I’m sorry, man.
Puppy whines slightly.

Lesson: Sometimes even donuts and a puppy won’t save you. If that’s the case, either it’s too far gone or you’re just not a good match. You’ve tried the nuclear option and it’s time to move on, but do raise that puppy.

The Ride With Nicole

Picked up a drunk couple from a bar, they were on a Lyft Line so I headed to pick up the next person.

Girl: You’re going the wrong way.
Me: Oh, we’re gonna go pick up Nicole real quick!
Girl: Who is Nicole?
Guy: Oh, honey, I did Lyft Line.
Girl: What’s Lyft Line?
Guy: It’s like Uber Pool.
Me: Save a couple bucks, reduce traffic!
Girl: You cheap F**K.
Guy: Hon, are you really mad? We’re not in a hurry…

A few moments pass, she seems to forget about it, we talk about other stuff.
Girl: Why are you going east?
Me: We’re…gonna pick up Nicole real quick?
Girl: Who the f**k is Nicole?
Me: She’s… The next rider on the Lyft line?
Girl: What’s Lyft Line? She sounds, sorry to say this, like a c*nt.
Guy: Um… don’t say c*nt?
Girl: And you can ignore him. He’s never even been in a three-way. I’ve been in like 30.
Me: That sounds like a real calling!
Girl: Plus, he’s the only dude I’ve dated who hasn’t wanted to move in after six months! What the f**k is that?
Guy: Uh.
Me: (Trying to lighten the mood) Well, I’ve dated guys for six months before I put their names in my phone!
Girl: WHAT are you SAYING I want to GET OUT.
Me: Oh, here’s Nicole!
Girl: Hi Nicole, where are you going?
Nicole: To No Vacancy!
Girl: Oh cool that’s a cool place to go to get f**ked by a 27-year-old white guy with no job
Nicole: OK?
Me: Ok, you guys are almost to your destination!
Girl: I don’t wanna go to his house. Can you drop me at my house (gives address)
Me: Well… I can’t actually change destination on Lyft line, because, you know, we have to head near where Nicole is going.
Girl: You cheap f**k!
Me: (Last attempt at humor)No fighting in the cab!
Girl: I don’t want to go to his house EVER AGAIN!
Guy: (whispering) are you serious right now?
Girl: AND NICOLE THERE’S BAR LUBITSCH IT’S A GREAT PLACE TO GET F**KED BY A RUSSIAN DUDE.
Nicole: I don’t think I’m looking for that.
Me: (silence)
Me: (screeching brakes) OK here you are! Thanks so much!
(They get out, fighting because she wants to break up with him)
Nicole: What was that
Me: Sorry, I know!

Lesson: If you’re a nice guy and she walks all over you, she’s not worth being with. If she loves you, she’s gotta love your spend thrift ways!

The Ride With The Lyft Valentine

My first ride of the day was a lady who grumbled a little when I told her happy Valentine’s day.

Lady: Sheesh. Not for me. I just broke up with my dude of three years.
Me: That sucks, man. I’m sorry.
Lady: Yeah, my girlfriend banged him, so they both suck.
Me: They do, they suck. That sucks.
Lady: And the incredible thing is, this is her second time pulling this shit! Like, there are so many dudes, why can’t she stop screwing my dudes?
Me: You still kept being her friend after the first time?
Lady: Yeah, well, she said she was sorry and that she wouldn’t do it again.

Lesson: If your girlfriend bangs your boyfriend once, it could be an accident. Twice, it’s a hobby.

The Ride With The Late Night Romancers

I picked up a cute, fairly drunk guy at 2 a.m. in downtown Pasadena, and he gave me an address. We picked up a cute, fairly drunk girl and the magic began.

Guy: Let’s go to [name of bar].
Me: Uh, I think they’re closed, it’s 2 a.m.
Guy: I think it’s open?
Girl: I just think I’m a… real easy going person.
Guy: I know, I know. I try to live in the moment.
Girl: You just… have to.
Me: Guys, this bar is closed.
Guy: (to me) Oh! Let’s go to [restaurant]. Have you ever had a conversation this amazing happen in your cab before?
Me: (dryly) Sure.
Girl: You just came up to me and asked me to dance, and I couldn’t turn you down!
Me: OK, I’m sorry to say this restaurant is also closed.
Girl: I don’t even need to eat. I’m good.
Guy: OK, we’ll just go to In-N-Out and get a shake.
Girl: It’s like, you just… you took down all my roadblocks.
Guy: I know, I know. You told me.
Girl: All my defenses, just gone.

We get to In-N-Out. It is also closed.
Girl: OK, I guess… Take me back to my place?
Me: OK.
Guy: Naw, we can get out here.
Girl: Oh… OK?
Guy: My house is right over there. We can hang for a little while and get another car later.
Me: OK, here we are then.
Guy: Isn’t she just so cute?
Me: Yup. Here we are!
Girl: I just can’t believe how strong we vibe on each other.

(Moments pass. They’re just sitting in my car talking)
Me: You guys… Can you go fall in love in someone else’s Lyft?
(I find this hilarious. Nobody thinks it’s as funny as I do.)

Lesson: If dude was in love with you, why is he hitting you up after the bars close? You’re a late night hook up, girl.

The Ride With The Family Man

I pick up a dude who is holding a Starbucks coffee and a phone and looks shell-shocked. He gets into my car and says, “man, you’re gonna hear a conversation that’s kind of intense but I have to have it right now.”

Me: No problem!

Dude: (on phone) Hey, baby, it’s me! You’re pregnant?! I’m so stoked! I mean it, I want to have a baby with you! You didn’t want to tell me? Come on, I’m your man! I’m your DUDE, I’m WITH you! Do you wanna get married, I mean, what’s your mama gonna say? Are you excited? Are you scared? Baby, I love you. I want to get married. I want to have a baby with you. I mean, I’m 40, what the fuck else am I gonna do? I mean it. I love you. I’m coming over. Yeah, I’m in a Lyft. Yeah, my driver is getting an earful. Yeah, it’s magic and it’s real and I can’t wait! I’ll see you soon!

Me: Wow, congratulations man!

Dude: God, I can’t believe it, but man, we were just at my friend’s house and he has this two year old girl and she’s so perfect and we were saying, man, he’s doing it, we can do this, and then she finds out she’s pregnant a week later, I mean, it’s magic time, man!

Me: How long have you guys been dating?

Dude: Six months, but I know, I KNOW this is my lady. But she’s a passionate lady, and we were together this afternoon but she flipped out on me and left, and now I know it’s because she was scared to have this talk. She just found out this morning.

Me: And when did you find out?

Dude: (Crying) She texted me that she was pregnant, and then I called you. I found out literally a minute before you got there.

Me: You can do this, man. This is sometimes how babies come. You can do it. (Also crying)

Dude: Yeah, I mean, I always wanted to be a dad and now we’re gonna do it! I’m scared shitless but I know we’re gonna be great!

Me: Good luck. Be good. Here’s some tissues.

Dude: Five starrrrrs!

Lesson: Sometimes amazing things happen by accident. If you’re with the right person, look in your heart and see if you’re ready to roll with it.

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Vegan: An Expert Guide to Plant-Based Dating

August 21, 2017January 22, 2024 by Maya Gottfriedin Body, DATING ADVICE, Wellness

If you’ve avoided dating a vegan because you’re worried that they are high maintenance, fear no more.

Are you afraid of vegans? Suspicious? In other words, do you see them as somehow different than you in a way that makes you nervous about vegan dating altogether? Well, you’re right that a vegan is in some ways different than you, a non-vegan.

Before fear overcomes you, let me reassure you that vegans, in many ways, are just like you. In all likelihood you love animals, so do vegans. You also probably love food, so do vegans.

The main difference between you and the vegan you might date is that they have decided to make a conscious effort not to hurt animals, or perhaps boost their health (a whole foods, plant-based diet has been proven to be ideal for good health), or help the planet (animal agriculture has a disastrous impact on the environment) by cutting animal products out of their diet and lifestyle.

That’s not so bad, is it?

Ask out that vegan

A vegan has the strong potential to offer some very attractive qualities. The fact that they are vegan means that they walk the walk (and don’t just talk the talk).

If they are an ethical vegan (vegan in the interest in reducing animals’ suffering), then you know that they are not only standing up for what they believe in, but that they are opposed to cruelty.

Probably the most attractive trait of a vegan is that they are living the love that is in their heart by acting on their love for animals, love for themselves, and love for the planet. And relationships are all about love, right?

Plan a great vegan date

So what happens when you’re going out on a date with a vegan and you start shaking in your leather boots because you’re nervous about being criticized, saying something wrong, or how you will break it to your parents that your someday fiancé won’t eat their Thanksgiving meal?

First, don’t be nervous. They’ve already said they will go out with you, so they have indicated that they accept how you eat. Give them a chance to say yes to you before you convince yourself they will reject you. You can worry about Thanksgiving later.

You’ll want to pick a place to meet that works for both you and your date. Your vegan isn’t only a vegan, they are a whole person with a spectrum of interests. Maybe they also enjoy botanical gardens, or seeing bands perform, or that French film that’s playing in the cute movie house downtown.

When it comes to restaurants, or cafés, or other food-oriented outings, a vegan will generally appreciate your thoughtfulness if you suggest a plant-based establishment. However, there are also frequently vegan options at non-vegan restaurants. There’s a good chance you’ll still be able to go to your favorite place, even if it isn’t vegan.

This could also be a fantastic opportunity for you to try a new cuisine. Your date will likely be in the know about the best vegan restaurants, and you could follow their guidance to delicious gourmet plant-based food unlike any you’ve tasted before.

Although your vegan date may seem a bit alien to you for their lifestyle choices, remember that they’re a human, like you. Vegans aren’t only interested in vegan things. We have all different topics we can talk about.

You should feel free to speak to your vegan about topics that interest you, but you’ll want to avoid interrogating them about their veganism, just as you wouldn’t want to be challenged about your own eating habits by a new potential love.

Also, you may want to avoid sensitive subject matter such as: 1) Your love of hunting, 2) Your last fishing trip, and 3) Your passion for eating bacon.

Get to know your vegan

Though incessant prodding about one’s veganism is not fun on a date, as a vegan I can tell you that I always welcome the gentle asking of questions. It’s perfectly OK to be curious. Go ahead and ask your date how they came to be vegan, what they eat for breakfast, and what they wear on their feet. They will probably welcome your interest in their life.

On one of my first dates with my now-partner, Dietrich, he gently asked me why I didn’t drink milk, or eat other dairy products. I took no offense, and happily filled him in on why I had decided not to consume them, without pressuring him to change.

However, I should warn you, he has been happily vegan since that very day.

Ready for your first date with a vegan? Read on to tell if it’s going well.

6 Reasons Why Fall Sweater Weather Is the Best for Dating

August 27, 2017January 22, 2024 by Ola Faletiin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Get ready to fall into lust.

Where’d summer go? Seems like only yesterday that we were sipping Rosé and crafting our summer bucket lists. Now the days will inevitably shorten and we’ll be taking our coats out of storage (unless you live just south of the equator, lucky devils). Don’t fret your pretty little head just yet. There’s lots to love about fall aside from pumpkin lattés and changing foliage.

As everything else chills, here are six ways your romantic life may do the very opposite.

1. Another term for your fall dating? Cuffing season.

You’re probably familiar with summer flings, but some of us know about a little phenomenon called cuffing season. For those who don’t, cuffing season occurs roughly between the months of October and March as the cold makes everyone want to “cuff” themselves to a seasonal boo. Typically, you cut things off once spring starts to appear, but if you’re lucky your fling may morph into a full-blown romance.

2. Summer expectations lessen.

Earlier this year, did you panic when you realized bikini season was a mere few weeks away? The summer bod anxiety is real. I’ve always had the philosophy that everyone has a bikini body if they a) have a body and b) it’s in a bikini. Nonetheless, the stress to slim down can add some pressure to your summer excitement. You can forget all of that once you pile on the layers. The only person seeing your bikini body is you, or your significant other, or your cuffing season partner who likely doesn’t care; if anything, the extra belly fat will keep you both warm.

3. Sex burns more calories — because of the cold!

Just because you’re not exercising for a summer bod doesn’t mean you won’t get a workout. You know sex burns calories, right? BONUS — so does chilly weather. According to Dutch researchers at Maastricht University, shivering can boost your calorie-burning rate 500 percent! Being mildly cold will still boost your metabolic rate. So if you’re feeling extra frisky, get into some car sex with your car heat off — unless it’s below 32 degrees Fahrenheit, obvi.

4. Less-sweaty sex.

You might find a thrill in writhing in someone’s bed in their apartment with busted air conditioning. Some people are into that, just like some people are into testicle musk. If you’re like me and not keen on either of those things, cold-weather sex may be for you. You can skip all the added perspiration in the fall and winter. You’ll also have more energy. The last thing I want to do when it’s hot and muggy is rub skins with someone else. In several weeks, you’ll be able to romp around and change positions as much as you want. And if you’re unlucky enough to not have the best fall/winter indoor heat, never fear because…

5. Cold is the ultimate intimacy-booster.

Half the fun in sex is cuddling, and I can’t think of a better reason to cuddle up to someone than a bitterly windy day. Or a blizzard. We all know that cuddling naked is the best way to get warm, anyway. Some people claim they’re not “into cuddling,” but when your windows are foggy and getting out of bed means getting cold, non-cuddlers don’t really have a choice do they? During the main act, I’d recommend keeping your socks on. Studies from Dutch researcher Gert Holstege show that socks can increase your chance of the big “O”.

6. More endorphins mean saying goodbye to SAD.

Around 10-20 percent of adults are mildly affected by Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) every year. I get it — just thinking about the winter ahead makes me SAD (ha). One of the many benefits of sex is a major euphoria boost. Orgasms release endorphins, which can help with the general malaise that SAD causes. Endorphins also accompany the release of Oxytocin, also known as the “love hormone.” Oxytocin is responsible for turning you all soft and mushy after-sex, and in need of a good cuddle. It might be something to consider if you’re not trying to “catch feelings,” but there’s not much fun in wearing an emotional suit of armor. So I say embrace it and soak up those happy, gushy hormones.

Summer’s ending, but your love life may be about to begin.

With all these benefits in mind, I’m counting the days ‘til fall and refreshing my dating profiles. I suggest you do the same if you want to be warm for the next six months.

There are ways to have great sex in any season, but did you know time of day matters too? Read on if you’re curious about what times of day we like to get it on.

5 Hopeful Dating Tips, From A Woman Who Finally Found Love

September 14, 2017January 22, 2024 by Kelley Lynnin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Finding dating tips for women can seem easy, but what really works? Take these five pieces of dating advice from a woman who’s seen it all.

When I got married to my very best friend at age 35, I never in a million years imagined that just a few short years later, I would be in the dating world again to see if I could have a second chance at love.

But when I was 39 years old, life threw me a gigantic curve-ball. My beautiful husband left for work one morning, and never came home. They found him collapsed on the floor. A massive heart attack. His short life was over at age 46, and my life would never be the same again.

It would take me almost 4 years to begin dating again. After an initial rocky relationship fizzled, I jumped onto the dating sites and started searching. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I had no clue. I just knew that I wanted love again, because love is really everything.

I kept trying, but I kept finding men that were emotionally unavailable to me. Or who lied to me. Or who claimed to be divorced but were actually married. Or who would tell me they loved me and tell me how beautiful and funny and amazing I am, and then disappear without a trace or explanation. Or who were really good at making out in their car with me, but much better at not keeping promises or keeping their word.

I dated and dated and dated. I got my heart broken several times. But I kept trying.

And then, about 2 months ago, it happened. I met my next great love story.

We are insanely happy together, and I have become one of those annoying people who everyone hates because I am giddy in love. We are that couple that people roll their eyes at, and yell: “Yuck! Get a room!”

We are blissfully joyful, and very aware that life can change in a split second. I never thought I would fall in love a second time, and that it could be so magical, a second time. But I did. And I am.

I was there for almost three years in the dating world, and I know how challenging it can be, and how much you just want to hang it all up and say: “No more.” So before you do that, please take a few minutes to read these five hopeful dating tips. And then get out there and find your next great love story.

1. Accept that not every guy will like you.

There are lots of single men out there, and lots of single women. There will be plenty of men who you just don’t connect with. There will be guys that find you abrupt, or too tall, or too fat, or not enough fat, or too much personality, or not enough personality, or who hate your laugh, or who don’t like the annoying way you breathe in and out.

Please do not take ANY of it personally. This is easier said than done, of course, but if you can find a way to know this upfront, and not let yourself get upset or depressed everytime you go on a date that doesn’t work out, you will save yourself a TON of heartache. Trust me on this.

During my first month on the dating sites, I had a date that was pleasant but it was clear there was no real connection. The next day, I texted him to politely thank him for the date. He responded by texting back: “We will not be going out again. I don’t date fat girls, and you are fat. You don’t look fat in your profile picture, but you are fat in person.” After I got done crying for an hour and denouncing all men forever, I texted him back: “Thank you for that lovely text message. It’s funny that you say I don’t look fat in my pictures. You don’t look like an asshole in your pictures, but clearly, you are indeed an asshole. Enjoy your future dates.”

Don’t waste any time trying to figure out why someone doesn’t like you or find you attractive, or analyzing to death why you didn’t get asked out on a second date. It’s a numbers game, and the answer to the “why” is always the same: he just wasn’t the one for you. If you can keep repeating that to yourself during the dating process, you will have a much better time.

2. Remember that dating should feel fun.

When I first started my path into the dating world, I was enjoying myself. Then somewhere between month five and year two, I began to lose my stamina. It felt so robotic and pointless. It’s easy to feel this way. Dating is exhausting and stressful. But it really shouldn’t have to be.

So if this starts happening to you, take a break. Put your dating site profiles on hold, or tell your friends to stop setting you up with folks for awhile, because you are “on hiatus” and need a break. Then, when you are ready and not feeling like you’d rather poke your eyeballs out with multiple forks rather than go on one more stupid date, get back into saddle and start thinking about what looks good for lunch.

Dating isn’t supposed to be painful. It shouldn’t feel like going to the dentist or like a series of job interviews. And yes, believe me, I know it’s hard to think in terms of “fun” when you are out with “here’s another boring story about my super boring job” guy. Or “I know I told you I was divorced, but what I meant to say was not entirely separated, and by the way, my wife and I still live together, so really, I’m kind of just a married dude looking for a side piece” guy.

When faced with men such as this, “fun” is the last thing you are thinking about it. But remember what was said above — this is a numbers game. So while you will go out with some real duds that aren’t really worth your time, you will also meet some truly lovely and genuine people. In my time spent in the dating world, I ended up on a few first or second dates with guys, that, for different reasons, things just didn’t work out between us. But we remained friends. I had lots of laughs and lots of fun with some truly quality men. And you will too.

My advice for a first date? Keep it short, or at least PLAN it short. Dinner can feel too stressful and too long, if you’re stuck with someone you don’t want to be with. Meeting for coffee or lunch is great because if there is an obvious connection, you can mutually decide to extend the date and go somewhere else afterwards. And if there isn’t, then you’re only out one cup of coffee. Keep things light. Try and laugh. Have a good time.

3. Take each date for what it is — a date.

There were lots of times when I thought a first date went very well, only to be blown off afterwards, or not asked out for a second date. I would think to myself, “What happened? What did I do wrong? Why didn’t he like me? I thought this was really going somewhere.”

Many times, I got so lost inside of my own expectations and perception of what was happening, that I wasn’t really seeing things through my date’s eyes. I don’t know why that one guy never called me. I don’t know why I wasn’t asked out again. There could be a variety of reasons. But the bottom line is this: it was just one date. He has no obligation or responsibility to take it any further, unless he has the desire to do so.

Sure, the way that some guys handle how they end things with a woman is extremely sucky, but it doesn’t change the fact that they have no obligation to go forward. And if someone has decided they don’t want to go forward with you, then why would you spend even one more minute of your energy on thinking about them?

It’s a date — not a lifetime commitment. An opportunity to meet and talk with someone new. That’s it. Look at all your dates that way, with that simplicity, and you will start to let go of any pre-conceived or unfair expectations.

4. Make a list to define your needs, wants, and deal-breakers.

After a couple of years of off and on dating, and a few non-lasting relationships, I started to notice a pattern. I kept ending up with men who were, in one way or another, emotionally unavailable to me. Not mature enough for love. Not ready for love. Still hung up on their ex-wife or girlfriend. Dating me with half their heart, waiting for something better to come along.

One day, a good friend of mine — who happens to also be a widower who has recently found love again and is now remarried — gave me some excellent dating advice. He told me to make a list that has 3 categories:

Things You Want In a Partner
Things You Require In a Partner
Things That Are Deal-breakers For You

For example, one thing on my “Want List” was that I love men who have a passion for food and like to cook. It’s not mandatory, but I like that. Something on my “Deal-breaker List” was anyone who is violent or abusive in any way, emotionally or physically. I have been sexually assaulted and manipulated in my past, so it is imperative that I feel 100% safe and protected around my partner. Something that was on my “Require” list was someone that would understand that I will love and honor my late husband forever, and that he will always be a piece of me, and I need a partner who isn’t threatened by that.

After the list has been made, my friend then told me the important part: “Now, if you want to keep dating people just to date and to get the experience of dating, then every guy you meet does not have to fit everything on your list. However, if you want to find love, and that is your goal, then you need to decide to never again date anyone who doesn’t fit every single requirement on your list.”

I made my list back in April. By June, I met my new love. When you know what you truly want, and you put it out there, it will come to you when the time is right.

5. Never change yourself for anyone else.

This could be the most important piece of advice, not just for dating, but in life. It is very easy to feel insecure or to compare yourself to others, when dating. When you get rejected, it’s easy to feel like there must be something wrong with you. Please know there is nothing wrong with you. Please know that every single thing that makes you who you are, is the exact reason that your person, will be in love with you.

If you lose yourself in the process of dating, then your person will never find you. Never lose yourself. The person who loves you, will do so unconditionally, and will adore every aspect of you.

And the truth is, once you are comfortable inside of yourself and in your own skin, that energy becomes contagious, and that Is when the one who is perfect for you, will be waiting, just around the corner.

With these five dating tips in mind, you’ll be well on your way to your next great love story.

Whether you are a widowed person yourself (like me), or a divorcee, or maybe simply a single woman who is still searching for that perfect someone for you, I hope this friendly advice can help. I’ve been there. And I truly believe that you can find love again, too. Happy dating!

For more great advice, check out how dating is more complicated now than ever — and even so, why it’s still worth it.

The Herpes Paradox: Is Dating Someone With Herpes That Big Of A Deal?

September 21, 2017January 22, 2024 by Virginia Jonesin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Chances are, you’ve dated or are dating someone with herpes. Here’s what you should know.

I have several friends with herpes. Everyone does. The CDC reported that as many as 15 percent of Americans between 14-49 have HSV2, which can present as breakouts below the waist. And the World Health Organization estimates that two out of three people in the world have HSV1, which create what are commonly called “cold sores” around the mouth.

One of my friends who has HSV2 pointed out the “herpes dating paradox” to me. Because it’s so common, odds are good that any adult who has had multiple sexual partners has dated or is dating someone with herpes — but my friend says every time she discloses her status to someone she’s dating, they blanch and run away, insisting that they’ve never met another person with the disease.

How could this be?

Many people with herpes don’t show symptoms.

One component is that most people are asymptomatic. Which means, according to the CDC, 87 percent of people don’t know they have it. The test for herpes is more expensive than other STI tests, so it’s usually not included in an STI check unless there are symptoms pointing to it. Combine these two things and you get infected people who don’t find out they’re infected, and then they spread it to other people.

So, although 15 percent of the population has HSV2, perhaps only a fourth of the people that have it know that they do. It’s like there are two populations at work — the known, and the unknown.

Another paradox is that people have very different opinions of HSV1 and HSV2.

It’s true even though the viruses behave similarly but just in different locations: an HSV1 virus usually expresses on the face, and an HSV2 usually expresses down south.

I have HSV1 and have no shame about it whatever. I have never had an outbreak, and I assume I got it sometime in childhood. When my marriage ended with my husband’s infidelity, I was scared that I might have gotten something, so I had a full STI workup. When I got the results, my sister read them to me because I was too nervous.

“Well, you’ve got herpes!” she told me, with a touch too much excitement.

“No, I don’t… do I?”

“Well, you’ve got type 1.”

“Oh jeez, everyone has that!” I exclaimed.

I was relieved it wasn’t the “bad” kind, and a little annoyed that she wound me up about it. I’ve thought about it very little since, seeing as (I’ll say it again) at least 60 percent of the world’s population has HSV1.

But people with “type 2” can feel shame, worthlessness, and undesired — even though it’s essentially the same disease.

I wanted to know how people with herpes really feel, since we hardly hear from them. So I set up a poll.

I distributed a brief anonymous survey among people in my friends group to get a feeling for what their experiences were like living with, and dating with, herpes.

Most respondents contracted it in their late 20s and early 30s from boyfriends and girlfriends, which is statistically consistent with the rest of America. Half of respondents said it doesn’t really affect their love life at all, but half said there’s been some effect — and several reported feeling a lot of shame, saying:

“Every time I tell someone I have it, they act like they’ve never heard of it before, like I invented it.”

“The virus doesn’t bother me. The stigma does.”

“I think women aren’t honest about it with partners — when I mention it, every girlfriend I know confides that she also has it. Going by my experiences alone, it looks like 70 percent of all people have herpes.”

“Pretty much everyone has it.”

“I always tell my partners before we have sex, and thus far nobody has declined sexual relations.”

They experience outbreaks anywhere from once a year to once a month, with some outbreaks linked to stress. Eighty percent of respondents said they practiced safer sex with their partners to avoid transmission, and 90 percent of them disclose their status to every sex partner, although one person said mysteriously that it “depends on the circumstances.”

Herpes has a lot of associations with promiscuity or infidelity, but most of my respondents got it from a serious partner — some of whom may not have known they had it.

Every respondent said the worst thing was not the disease itself, but the stigma attached to it.

According to the CDC, w omen get herpes more than men (20 percent compared to 10 percent). We’re just built for more transmissions that occur through moist tissue. Women are already shamed for being promiscuous or sexual, so it only makes sense that something more women have would also be shameful, and thought of as being a sign of promiscuity or unfaithfulness.

For most people, it’s just an annoying skin infection. But combine the facts that it’s more common for women, it’s essentially harmless, and it’s seemingly ubiquitous — somewhere along the line, it became a disease that it was acceptable to joke about! This may increase those shameful feelings but, as you can see, there’s no need to feel ashamed.

Herpes is prevalent, but not dangerous. It’s really pretty harmless.

If you’re dating someone with herpes or if you found out that you have HSV2, educate yourself and your partner, look at suppressants like Valtrex, and know that you are far from alone and that it’s not a big deal.

And if you don’t have herpes, consider not joking about it, or speaking glibly about it — in any room where there are more than six people, someone is bound to have it.

Want more reading about sexual health? Check out this story about HPV or some tips on how to tell your partner if you have an STD.

How Getting Cancer In My 30s Taught Me How to Date

September 22, 2017January 22, 2024 by Maya Gottfriedin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

When I was diagnosed with colorectal cancer in my 30s, it immediately and completely changed every aspect of my life.

Within a week I had left a job that I loved, time hanging out in cafés turned into hours spent in doctors’ waiting rooms, and instead of thinking about what outfit I would wear out on Saturday night I was 100% focused on how to save my life.

I spent a full year going through chemotherapy and surgeries — and I survived. The cancer went away, and has not come back.

But even though the experience changed many things, there’s one aspect of my youth it did not. Through those long sickly days of chemotherapy and recoveries from surgery, I still had crushes and often wished for a partner to cuddle with as a lay weakly in bed.

Though some may not think of a cancer patient as a sexual being, the diagnosis does not erase our romantic longings.

In fact, my favorite day during that year of sickness was going on a walk and then having dinner with my biggest crush at the time. It didn’t progress into a true romance, but with side effects from chemo that included nausea and weakness, a walk and a meal were about all I could handle.

My cancer treatments were relatively brief, with a beginning and an end that were approximately one year apart from each other. I was single when I was diagnosed with the disease, and most days felt too sick to want to go out on a date. Though I wasn’t actively playing the dating game while going through my treatments, I still had good moments when I flirted just like everybody else.

When I emerged on the other side, I had a completely new approach to dating.

Going through the chemotherapy and surgeries didn’t just save my life, it changed my outlook. I had fought hard to stay alive, and was utterly unwilling to accept treatment from a love-interest that diminished my value.

For years as a 20- and 30-something dater, I had accepted all kinds of bad behavior. I lacked the self-esteem to stand up for myself and let go of the people who didn’t see me for the worthy person I was, and am. I pined for men who didn’t return my calls, tried to convince those who said they didn’t want a relationship that they might change their mind, and even continued to wait for a person who would show up hours late for our dates, or not show up at all.

After spending a year fighting for my life, I put up with none of the above. It’s like I developed a sixth sense for those who didn’t value me and I swiftly let them fall away. The greatest benefit of my new superpower was that when someone did come along who appreciated and then loved me, I had the space, capacity, desire, and ability to receive his affections.

Love is an essential part of living, and one can still find love while living with cancer.

For some people with cancer, however, the disease will be chronic, without a clear end in sight. Some of us may have just started dating someone new when we are diagnosed, and not want to wait until we are done with treatments to resume the romance. Cancer doesn’t need to mean relinquishing any hope of a romantic life, during or after treatments.

Though cancer is in our bodies, and is our business, it will affect those we become involved with, so if we have cancer when dating we will want to share that information with our dates before too much time passes. We don’t want to feel that we are hiding something, and we don’t want our potential partners to feel that we kept a secret from them. It’s not necessarily a first date conversation, but if there’s a spark, we may want to have that talk before too long.

Cancer hasn’t prevented a friend of mine, who currently has cancer, from indulging in great romance.

My friend Marta Csuka was diagnosed with “incurable” brain cancer at the age of 37. The tumor was removed but she was warned that she had very little time left before it would grow back and take her life. She swept aside the warnings and set out to mend her body by eating an all-raw vegan diet, avoiding chemotherapy and radiation. She shares on social media about her success and happiness in fending off the cancer, demonstrating for others that life following such a frightening diagnosis can be beautiful, vibrant, and romantic.

Marta says, “My experience dating after a cancer diagnosis was shockingly good! I’ve dated three men since my ‘death sentence’ two years ago. Two of them I met because of my cancer and so they knew about my ‘dis-ease.’ They were both raw vegans so they were very open-minded about how the right nutrients can reverse the cancer, even when western medicine declared me terminal.”

Now Marta is engaged to a man whom she met following her diagnosis and they have plans to wed in the near future. She is a positive, healthy, and smart woman. Why wouldn’t someone else love her?

Another woman I know lives a happy, productive, and creative life with cancer.

She has cancerous tumors that are not growing, but remain stable in her body. Like Marta, she became engaged to and married her husband after she had been diagnosed. She didn’t hide her cancer, but celebrated her survival, writing about her experiences and inspiring others by sharing how she stays in great physical, mental, and spiritual health despite her diagnosis. Living her life to the fullest while having cancer, she fell in love and made a lifelong commitment to a partner.

Above: the author and her partner.

When cancer comes flying at us out of left field, we can still enjoy all of the romance that our hearts desire.

Life often throws us curveballs. It is not a straight line. Cancer treatments may dramatically change our bodies. For many women who have had breast cancer, there is a deep fear of rejection following a mastectomy. But plenty of potential partners will embrace a woman who does not have breasts. Those scars tell stories of survival and there are others out there who will admire our strength.

Our perspective has the power to change our lives. Whether you or someone you know has been delivered a tough diagnosis — as I did when I got cancer in my 30s — how you respond can make a huge difference. An illness doesn’t negate our romantic desires so why should we repress that part of ourselves? Great romance, a sweet walk in the woods, or a cozy cuddle when we’re feeling sick, are all wonderful offerings of life that we don’t have to deny ourselves when faced with an illness, and they can help us feel better.

For more empowering love lessons, read about this young wife’s advice to “be yourself.”

13 Dating Terms to Know, Before You Enter the Modern Dating Scene

October 5, 2017January 22, 2024 by Kelley Lynnin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Here are 13 of the most current dating terms and phrases for your modern love adventures — and what they mean.

So, here you are. You are single. You are lonely. Your Saturday nights involve tubs of ice-cream and marathons of “My 600-Pound Life.” You have been through a divorce, or you were widowed young (like me). Or maybe you just haven’t found anyone yet that is better than your ice cream.

You are finally willing to “get out there” in the world of dating, but the minute you do, your confusion overwhelms you and paralyzes you. You go onto a dating site or twelve, and immediately, you are met with words and phrasing you don’t understand. What language are these men speaking? What is going on? How am I supposed to date when I don’t even know what the hell these people are talking about?

I hear you, sister.

It’s hard to keep up with modern dating terms and they can be very tough to decipher.

Just when you have learned a brand new term and actually know what it means, it starts going out of style, and is replaced with the next one. It’s like when everyone on earth is in line for the new iPhone 10, and you’re finally getting rid of your Blackberry Curve.

But before you give up completely on what the latest terms mean and how to be aware of them — fear not. I am here to act as your dating dictionary, so that you don’t have to waste your life Googling everything.

Here are 13 dating terms to know, before you enter (or reenter!) the modern dating scene.

1. Catfishing

Okay, we’re starting really simple. This one has been around for awhile now. You may know that “catfishing” is the term for someone online who is lying or tricking someone else as to who they really are — but do you know why it’s called that?

The term “catfishing” is actually referring to literal catfish. It came from an old tale told by a fisherman, about a common problem in transporting cod. During the boat ride, the cod would become under stimulated and bored, causing them to become stale and tasteless. Someone came up with the idea to put catfish in with the cod, so that they would chase the catfish and keep them moving, active, and agile; resulting in a better quality cod.

So, because the catfish were “luring in” the cod, and stimulating them, this term began being used to describe what people were experiencing with online dating. For example, let’s say you develop an online relationship with this great guy named Alex. But every time you ask Alex to talk on the phone or Skype, he has some lame excuse about bad reception. Eventually, you decide to meet Alex in person. But when you get there, it becomes clear that Alex isn’t really Alex. In fact, he isn’t even male. Or the age you thought they were.

Congratulations. You have been catfished.

2. Netflix and chill

One might think this means exactly what it says, which is: “Hey girl, let’s hang out at my place and watch a movie on Netflix and relax.” But no. It is code. What it actually means is: “Hey girl, let’s hang out at my place and fool around with no commitment or promises for anything (otherwise known as “hooking up”). I may or may not show up with a condom. Cuz that’s how I roll! ”

It Is very important to know this phrase, because if you don’t, you would innocently assume you were going to someone’s apartment to watch a movie. When you pull up “My List” on Netflix and they pull out something else, you will then realize you have gravely misunderstood this common phrase.

3. DTR

I had to look this one up myself when a guy I had been seeing for about 2 weeks asked if I wanted to “hang at his place and chill.” Which is just a less impressive version of Netflix and chill. I told him I thought it was a bit too early for that, and he said: “We can hang out. DTR. And go from there.”

He followed this up with a wink-wink type look, but I followed it up by googling: What the hell Is DTR? Turns out it’s a simple acronym. It stands for “Define the Relationship.” Because saying all three of those words took SO MUCH TIME!!! Clearly, we need to abbreviate that. Anyway, that’s what it means. And Mr. Two Weeks clearly wanted to define our relationship as: “come on over and have casual and probably mediocre sex.” No thanks.

4. FBO

Did you know that if you get married, have a baby, get a promotion, or get fired- that it didn’t actually happen if you didn’t post it on Facebook? It’s true! And if you are involved in a new-ish relationship, it is up to both parties to decide, hopefully mutually, when they will go FBO, or “Facebook Official.” Soon, I expect that people will no longer get engaged. They will simply change their relationship status on their Facebook pages, and declare themselves FBO. This works great for cheapskates — no ring!

5. Ghosting

This is when you are talking with someone or dating someone, and then smack in the middle of your relationship, they just disappear. They stop all contact, with no warning or explanation. It can happen online, with someone you have been seeing for months or weeks or days, and it can happen in a regular relationship that never occurred online.

It happened to me last year. A guy I had become very close with, disappeared, and blocked me from contacting him again. We had been close friends for almost 2 years. This behavior is mean, immature, and spineless. It happens often, it is common, and it is a shame. There is really no way to avoid it, but you can try your best not to take it personally. Anyone who would do this to a person is not someone you want in your life. Doing this is a reflection of them, not you.

6. Zombie-ing

This Is sort of like the sequel to ghosting. This is when the ghoster comes crawling back, out of nowhere, and wants back in your life. They rarely apologize for their ghosting, and usually will try to regain contact with simple chatter such as “Hey what’s up with you lately”, or other lame musings.

It’s not a great idea to let a ghoster back into your life. They have an agenda. Once they don’t get what they need from you, they will move on to their next victim. This behavior is also sometimes referred to as “haunting.” As in, the ghost is back to haunt you.

7. Catch and release

These are lovely men who get off on the “chase”, so they will put a lot of extra efforts into “getting you.” Flowers, flirting, promises galore. Then, once they have your attention and they no longer have to chase you down, you lose your appeal to them and they stop putting in the effort. Then, finally, they get easily bored with you, and “release” you. Dump you.

If a guy comes on very strong and very charming at the start, and it seems over the top, you may be experiencing this behavior. Be careful.

8. Cuffing season

Oh, those long and lonely winter nights can be so burdensome, right? Yes, there is a season for this, and refers to those who want to be part of a couple, only for the cold winter season. To have someone to be with on the holidays, cuddle with, and make passionate love to on cold winter nights.

A warning: as soon as that sun comes out and the weather gets warmer, you might find yourself getting ghosted! If a guy seems a bit too anxious to make you his girlfriend the day before Christmas, you might be headed for cuffing season.

9. Thirst trap

Okay, this one is just weird. This is a dude who puts up an image/picture of himself, usually on a dating site or on social media, with the specific intent on shocking people or getting lots of attention, which is also known as “thirst.” A typical picture might be of a guy’s shiny abs with a beer bottle resting on them, or beach sand placed just right (in the crevice of his rear).

This “thirst trap” type of picture is rarely ever a well-intentioned person. At worst, it’s a scam of some kind to get you to click on the image. At best, it’s a narcissistic dude who gets his jollies every time a new chick clicks “like” on his stuff. Either way, he has no intention of dating you — hence the “trap.”

10. Slow fade

Sounds like a romantic movie ending, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, it is the exact opposite.

The slow fade is basically when you are dating someone, and they decide on their own, without informing you, that they are no longer interested in you anymore. So, much like the ghoster who is too spineless to have a conversation about this, they start a gradual descent into not caring. They text you less often, they stop flirting, they suddenly seem like they don’t care. Because they don’t. The communication and effort gets less and less, until you have been faded out of the picture.

This is basically ghosting, in slow motion. It’s “Ghosting Lite” for the jerk who isn’t quite ready to take on the commitment of full-on ghosting!

11. Breadcrumbing

This one is very big on the dating sites. It basically means “to string someone along”. These are guys that will act interested in you. They flirt. They send sexy messages. They compliment you. But it’s all very vague and doesn’t ever go anywhere. It seems like all they want to do is just text endlessly, until one of you dies.

I’ve talked to these dudes many times. They get you hooked on them by appearing interested and charming, then they never follow through with anything. Most of them have no intention of even meeting you in person.

However, this can also happen offline too. Just a string of non-committal dates that are vague and don’t seem to be leading to anything. Sometimes these men aren’t entirely single (but you don’t know that), or they just enjoy lots of casual and lazy dating. Buyer beware.

12. Love-bombing

While the bread-crumber leaves slow and vague trails of crumbs for you to follow, the love-bomber does the opposite. This often involves big grand gestures of romance. Passionate love notes. Roses and promises of trips taken in the future together. Lots of presents. This is to draw you into them, at which point, they begin to reveal the “real” them, which isn’t always pleasant.

A lot of love-bombing is done by master manipulators and narcissists, who can appear charming upfront, but are actually quite controlling and aggressive. If someone comes on too strong too fast, or their “attacks” or bombs of passion just feel a bit too awkward, follow your gut. Things should progress and feel natural between two people. Whenever you feel as if you are a pawn in someone else’s game, you probably are. Pay attention to those early signs telling you this doesn’t feel right.

13. Lay-by

(It’s pronounced like “laying by the side of the road until I decide you are worthy of my attention.”)

This is similar to putting something on Layaway. You want the item, but you can’t commit to it right now. These men put women on “layby” status – they are usually still in another relationship, living with someone, often even married or separated but not divorced.

They are the types who do not like to be alone. They want to have the next person all lined up on stand-by, for when and if this current relationship blows up. So they keep you in the corner, waiting, while they figure out their life. Nice, right? Yeah. Not so much. If you are dating someone and you feel like you don’t always come first for them, you probably don’t. First is their spouse or girlfriend. Then you. Maybe.

Now that you’re fluent in these modern dating terms, you can be on the lookout for terms that aren’t on your terms.

I hope that these definitions are helpful, and at the very least, entertaining. The good news is that, out of all this craziness, I DID actually find love, eventually. Now, you can follow in the breadcrumbs of my misery, and laugh your way to a healthy dating life. And if that doesn’t work, well… there’s always ice cream.

For more reading on modern love, check out this guide to dating apps — and then prepare for the worst (while hoping for the best!) by learning about the 7 most frustrating types you’ll meet on dating sites.

6 Things You Can Do If Your Date Is a Mansplainer

October 9, 2017January 22, 2024 by Freya Shipleyin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

The first time I got trapped on a date with a mansplainer, I did not handle it well.

The guy seemed intriguing online. He had a sense of humor. When he messaged me, he used actual sentences. (Swoon.)

So we meet up for dinner, and I mention I’ve just come from teaching a Shakespeare workshop — and that’s when the tidal wave hits.

There I sit, annoyed and self-doubting, while an ill-informed CPA explains the Shakespeare canon to me. I try a few times to speak up, to let him know that I’m a graduate of a competitive drama school and I’ve been performing and teaching the plays for years. But he talks right over me.

After that, I’m embarrassed to say, I slide right into the traditional female role: listening politely, nodding, working hard to look suitably attentive and impressed.

The memory of it still makes me squirm.

The word “mansplaining” may be new, but the problem itself is timeless.

We all know what it’s like to be lectured by a guy who thinks his grasp of the topic (whatever it may be) is superior to yours just because he’s male. In her classic 2008 essay, “Men Explain Things To Me,” Rebecca Solnits points out how mansplaining “… crushes young women into silence by indicating, the way harassment on the street does, that this is not their world. It trains us in self-doubt and self-limitation….”

Since then, I’ve learned a lot about what to do when a date starts mansplaining.

First, it’s useful to clarify your personal goal in the situation. Do you want to help your companion understand the issue? Do you want to make sure he hears how you’re feeling? Or do you just want out of the conversation? How important is it to you to maintain a cordial relationship with this person?

Then comes deciding how to act. Consider whether you have anything to lose. As always, your top priority is your own safety. If you choose to confront your date, will that put you in any kind of danger? Is he in a position to make your life difficult in any way? (Hopefully you’re not dating a guy who has power over you, like a boss or a professor, but it does happen.)

Once you’ve figured out your goal and how you want to react, it’s time to tackle the hard part: deciding what to do.

I have some suggestions. Here are six conversational moves to choose from.

1. Interrupt.

“I know all about that subject, thanks.” Speak up as early in the conversation as possible. Use a calm, friendly voice. See how he responds. Does he hear what you’re saying? Does he change his tone? If so, you may have helped your companion “wake up” from an old habit.

Lots of boys get taught to lecture and compete in conversation, simply as part of growing up in our culture. They don’t get much choice about it. Your date may actually be grateful for your help finding a new perspective.

2. Ask tons of questions.

Such as:

“How do you know all this?”
“What are your qualifications in this field?”
“Do you know that I’m an expert in this area?”
“Would you like to hear my take on this subject?”
“Did you hear what I just said?”
“Are you aware that you sound like you’re lecturing?”
“Do you know how condescending it sounds when you speak to me like this?”

If a gentle interruption doesn’t do the trick, you may need to up your game. The questions in this list are arranged roughly in order of assertiveness. You could start out by sounding relatively polite and interested (“How do you know all this?”), then get more confrontational if you need to. If he talks over your questions, just keep asking more.

Your aim here is to encourage him to interact with you instead of mansplaining. If he truly doesn’t understand the problem, you may help him see the light by refusing to respond the way he expects you to (that is, with silent admiration.) If he does understand and is deliberately being an asshole, questioning can be a great way to give him a hard time.

3. Ask him a polite question.

…and design it to reveal your own knowledge and his essential ignorance. (“That’s fascinating. So what’s the exact process when the Cas9 protein and the gRNA form the riboprotein complex?”) The goal here is to maneuver him into a position where he’s forced to give in and admit he doesn’t know the answer.

4. Keep asking for further explanation of the very, very obvious.

Pretend to be helplessly confused. (“Wow, this is fascinating information about childbirth. Can you help me understand where the baby actually comes out?”) See how long it takes him to figure out that you’re jerking his chain. Extra points to him if he gets it and laughs! That shows he has a sense of humor and enough humility to listen to you and be affected by what you say.

5. Interrupt him, explain briefly why you’re leaving, then go.

Calling mansplaining out is one of the most direct, powerful conversational moves you can make. A lot of us women feel like it’s too direct, too confrontational, maybe even too scary. If that’s you, I encourage you to reconsider. Remember, a call-out isn’t about yelling or trying to hurt anyone. It’s just you standing your ground and speaking your truth in a steady voice. (You can even write yourself a script and practice at home with your cat before you meet your next hardcore mansplainer.)

6. Just get up and leave.

If you’re ready to grab your coat and bolt after the first fifteen minutes, you have a perfect right to do that. No explanations needed.

Mansplaining can seem so eye-rollingly absurd, we may sometimes be tempted to laugh it off. But it has deeper implications.

As Rebecca Solnit wrote: “Most women fight wars on two fronts, one for whatever the putative topic is and one simply for the right to speak, to have ideas, to be acknowledged to be in possession of facts and truths, to have value, to be a human being.”

That’s a struggle we all need to take seriously.

For more dating tips, check out this piece about effective communication around sex, or learn more about how to identify narcissistic behavior (as the narcissist is first cousin to the mansplainer).

Marathon Dating: When Spending A Lot Of Time Yields Little In Return

October 10, 2017January 22, 2024 by Elisia Guerenain DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

When quickly dating a lot of men doesn’t get you results, remember that long term dating might not give you what you want, either.

I used to burn through men like a stoned teenager in the Taco Bell drive-thru. Bored and guided by delusions of grandeur, I’d wolf down and wake up with heartburn the morning after.

So I switched diets. No eating men up and spitting out their teeth after. The name of the game was delayed gratification. The method? Teasing out my romances slowly, with restraint, through long term dating.

Instead of sprinting, I’d become a marathon dater: someone who builds endurances and tolerates boredom in order to win the long game.

My most recent winter in New York gave me an unexpected chance to practice this new resolution. In need of a break from the city, I found an upstate retreat where I could write and recuperate — but it didn’t accept cats. Who would care for my cat Babe for three weeks?

My next door neighbor, it turned out. He invited me over for dinner to talk about details. My “Babellini” is easy to care for, I explained — then pulled out four handwritten pages of her preferences.

“I’m a teenager, and Cat Power is my favorite artist,” I read. “When I miss Elisia, play ‘Sea of Love.’” I took a moment to hum the tune. “Peeves is my invisible pet. Please, don’t ask to meet him.”

As I read, I realized he was giving me eyes.

“What type of eyes?” My friend asked later, when I told her the story.

“Like I was reading a menu with all his favorite desserts,” I replied.

But — was he into me or my cat?

A nebulous friendship began, one with romantic undertones and confusing encounters.

He flirted with me at parties, but didn’t ask me out. He gifted me wine, but insisted I enjoy it alone. Maybe he’s trying to pace me, I thought optimistically.

One day, he invited me to an art exhibit after work. We ate sushi and walked around as much as the cold would allow. He offered me his gloves (the best he could do short of his jacket), insisted on paying for everything, and gave me those eyes even when I wasn’t talking about my cat.

After sharing a cab back to Brooklyn we stood on our shared sidewalk, uncertain. But instead of a kiss or even a hug, he told me to go stand in my courtyard.

I could see his bedroom window from where I stood. In a few moments it opened. He emerged onto the roof, carrying a jacket. It doesn’t fit me right, he explained as he tossed it down. It was an odd, sweet gesture, and I wore the jacket to bed that night and throughout my upstate stay.

I have a history of taking things too fast; an inner speed demon that enjoys going from zero to 60 and watching fireworks turn into explosions.

I didn’t know how I felt about him, or vica versa, but three weeks of alone time would give me plenty of opportunity to disentangle the mixed signals.

Plus, I’d been able to bring my cat at the last minute. Removing her from our dynamic might clear things up.

Winter turned to spring. Babe and I returned to the city, healthy and happy. My neighbor invited me to a movie, and there it was — a real date.

But he seemed extremely nervous. He mumbled something about a hard past year, mentioned that he was seeing a therapist, and — with my optimistic speed demon in full swing — I breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn’t me, it was him! I placed my courage squarely into a goodnight kiss.

For our second date, we decided to spend a Saturday hiking.

The next day I would go to Boston that Sunday to watch my brother run a marathon. I was proud and excited of all the built-in brakes that a hiking date would include, like:

No alcohol necessary (drinking always speed things up).
My next day departure to Boston nixed the chance of a sleepover.
Light athleticism = light sweat (not sexy).
Daytime activities are always less fraught.
Our hike was in New Jersey.

I was feeling pretty good about the situation, until we hit the road and he started driving way too fast.

I liked speeding when I was a teenager — my five brothers and I enjoyed hitting 140 or more on the Interstate at night. We turned donuts in empty parking lots, and I learned how to crank the wheel while throwing the emergency brake on dirt roads, so that the back end spins deliciously outward.

But all these things are also extremely stupid, and my reformed speed demon found something highly unattractive about a man making his way aggressively down the New Jersey Turnpike.

On the trails, we encountered another speed issue.

Something about the Great Outdoors loosened his jaw. He talked, and talked, and talked — not about one, not two, but three ex girlfriends. At some point, he may have even thrown in a fourth. I nodded and hiked.

I’d been a distance runner for over a decade until I hurt my knee. The trail revived sweet memories of those years I’d spent flying through canyons, deserts, and mountains. Somehow, his rambling didn’t strike me as anything different than the type of gabbing my cross country teammates and I did when we were in high school: He did what with who for eight miles or more.

We drove back to Brooklyn. Once back in our neighborhood, he pulled over. “Look,” he said pointing towards the ground.

There, in the sidewalk, was my name: “Elisia.”

He’d written it in freshly poured concrete after our first date.

The jacket, that sidewalk — my optimistic, mushy, and completely naive speed demon swooned. That night we danced to records, watched a movie, and shared a platonic mattress on which he only mentioned his ex girlfriends once, to which I smiled and thought, he just needs time.

The next day, I boarded the bus, put my headphones in, and gazed dreamily at the traffic outside my window.

Oh, no.

Like that, all the red flags hit me.

Aided by the blinding clarity of hindsight, I stitched together and reviewed the facts all the way to the marathon while thousands of runners passed me by. I was no longer a burn-through-them-in-three-months kind of girl. What I’d lost in speed I made up for in endurance. I’d spent four months in long term dating mode when the whole thing should have taken two dates.

And he was just as bad. Every story he’d told me (which made me wince as I watched runners whiz by, wishing I could blank the memories out) was about how all his relationships came to a slow, grueling, agonizing end that equaled emotional torture because clearly they should have ended years earlier.

Watching my brother run his marathon that day afforded me the strange privilege of understanding my own disastrous one.

I saw that no amount of patience could change the fact that he wasn’t ready to date. That while I had my problems with burning through situations, he had his with staying in them entirely too long. That while I’d tried to change my sweet, little inner speed demon, she was after all still a demon. She’d need something — more New Jersey trails, or a partner with a pair of brakes — in order to truly be reformed.

There’s nobility in seeing something through to the end, I thought as my brother, weakly then proudly, hobbled over the finish line. Over the next few weeks, my neighborhood courtship did the same — winding down quietly without fireworks or explosions, no applause or gold medals necessary.

Long term dating seemed like a solution, but what I learned is that it’s really about balance — rather than going fast or slow for long or short distances, perhaps it’s just about being real as well as your real best self.

For more reading on going the “distance” in modern dating, check out this article about keeping things hot and heavy in a long term partnership or ways to make a long distance relationship work.

Openers or Nope-ners: What Kind Of First Message Should You Send On Dating Apps?

October 13, 2017January 22, 2024 by Terri-Jane Dowin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

The new series of Master of None shows Aziz’s character using the same opener on every single Tinder swipe — does that ever work?

Series two of Aziz Ansari’s award-winning Netflix show, Master of None, features a standalone vignette episode called “First Date.” In the episode, Ansari’s character, Dev, matches with a dozen women on a dating app, and takes each one to the same restaurant, bar, and taxi journey.

Around halfway through the episode, we learn that not only are the dates identical, but the app openers are too.

going to whole foods — *“Going to Whole Foods, want me to pick you up anything?” says Dev to every match.*

Is it a good idea to just keep sending out the same thing — or is that a “nope-ner”?

A good opener is the thing that’s going to get you a conversation, and hopefully a date. A bad one adds you to the list of left-swipes. The “going to whole foods” message seems to be working for Dev, and sums up his foodie nature pretty accurately in just one sentence.

But, unfortunately for Dev, most of my friends’ responses to this stock-messaging was an absolute no. No one did it, and no one admitted to replying to obvious cut and paste openers.

There are swathes of instagram accounts, such as @tindernightmares, filled with screengrabs of the worst, most obvious nope-ners, and the overall response was that it really doesn’t, and shouldn’t, take too much effort to tailor an opener to someone you’re interested in.

One friend, though, admitted a standard cut and paste for her dating app exploits:

asking someone — *Asking someone what state they want to “eliminate” helped her get to know them AND is probably the least sexy question ever — a win-win that any woman could spot.*

Her afterthought made me despair as much as it made me lol — and this is the crux, maybe.

Women on dating apps, as noted in “First Date,” are mostly trying to avoid unsolicited dick pics.

Coming up with a standard opener that not only manages to check a person’s political inclinations, but also is almost impossible to subvert, is actually pretty smart.

I wanted to know, though, if wiping a US state off the face of the earth ever actually got her a date. When I asked, she put it at “an 80 percent success rate” of getting a conversation, which seems like fairly impressive odds.

One of my friends actually admitted to that dating app faux pas — the opening of “hey.”

In the interest of fairness, I also quizzed some boys on whether they ever used the same opening gambit on their dating app adventures. They all said no, but varyingly admitted that their chat depended on whether they were particularly interested in the first place.

I think every single person on a dating app has either sent or received a lazy “hey.” It’s one of the fundamentals of dating apps — you’re swiping left and right and not really paying attention. Maybe you’re multitasking, or maybe it isn’t even you doing the swiping because sometimes a group swiping session is necessary.

Dating apps are convenient. They’re sitting there on your phone, ready and waiting for when you have a spare few minutes. The lazy “hey” almost betrays the lack of care in who you’re actually meeting.

I pushed at this conversation a little bit more, intrigued at whether there was much difference in date-success rates. Somewhat disappointingly, lazy openers apparently ended up on about the same amount of dates as tailored ones. (The non-lazy dates went better, though, apparently.)

Dating apps exist in a strange limbo between the intimate and the impersonal.

Maybe a good cut and paste opener isn’t actually a bad thing (not that we’re advocating no-effort “hey” messages!). People are busy, and dating is time-consuming, especially on an app where you aren’t invested in any one person yet. You need some chat to get to know each other, and then make a decision based on that.

But, putting some effort into the process is a good idea, too, and maybe using the same openers all the time does acknowledge that. It’s a quick way of finding out if something important to you matters to someone else. If they hate the state you love, or if their idea of doing groceries is keeping condiment sachets from their takeaway in the fridge, those are things you’ll want to know pretty quickly.

In that spirit, then: can I pick you up anything from Whole Foods?

For more reading on modern dating, check out “Why I Am Loving The First Date” or “5 Hopeful Dating Tips, From A Woman Who Finally Found Love.”

17 Fall Dates That Cost You Absolutely Nothing

October 19, 2017January 22, 2024 by Kate Oczypokin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Isn’t fall the best? Cozy sweaters, falling leaves, crackling fires, hot chocolate—everything about the season screams cuddly romantic days and nights with your significant other. Personally, I love apple picking, pumpkin picking and the ever-ubiquitous pumpkin spice lattes. For couples on a budget like myself, here are 17 fall dates that cost you absolutely nothing.

1. Take a hike—literally.

Hikes are one of the easiest and most beautiful dates in the fall. Plan your date when the foliage near you is best. These maps are perfect for planning your hike to see the prettiest leaves. New to hiking? This site offers great tools to find the best trail for you, near you. Think of all the Insta-worthy photos that will come out of your hike.

2. Netflix and chill with a horror movie marathon.

One of you is bound to already have a Netflix subscription. Pop some popcorn and curl up under a super comfy throw and watch any of the countless horror movies streaming in October in honor of Halloween. Available right now are movies like The Sixth Sense, Jaws, Gremlins, It Follows and more.

3. Scare yourself silly with reading ghost stories in the dark.

Head to your local library and check out the creepiest anthology of ghost stories you can find. Turn out the lights and add some candlelight for a romantic yet spooky touch. Get into bed and see who can make the other scared enough to sleep with the lights on.

4. Go on a hayride.

Many farms offer free hayrides with the expectation patrons will purchase pumpkins or apples. Skip the fall produce and just go on a relaxing afternoon hayride together, taking in the fresh air and beautiful scenery.

5. Volunteer together.

Volunteering is a great, completely free way to have a fall date together. Search for the perfect cause for you both and get to doing some good! Whether you want to work at a soup kitchen, or spend time with adoptable animals, there’s something for everyone.

6. Take little cousins, friends or your own young ones trick-or-treating.

Get nostalgic and take your friends’ kids, your kids, little cousins or whoever is young enough to trick-or-treat out and feel like a kid again. If you ask extra nicely maybe they’ll share some candy with you. Snickers fun size anyone?

7. Bake something with supplies in your pantry.

Everybody knows fall and winter are baking season. Check out what’s in your pantry and create something delicious in your oven. When it’s ready, feed each other your baked delight and get ready for some serious fun in the bedroom afterwards.

8. Go star-gazing.

Put some hot chocolate in thermoses and drive out to an open field or remote area near you. Lay out a cozy blanket, curl up next to each other and enjoy a night under the stars, gazing at our gorgeous universe. Fall is the perfect time for checking out the stars, as your partner and you can stay nice and warm with each other’s body heat.

9. Have a game night in.

Get seriously sexy and have a night of strip poker by a roaring fireplace. Loser does whatever the winner wants to do once clothes are all off.

10. Go to your local high school football game.

You don’t necessarily have to actually go to the game and sit on the bleachers. Park your car close enough so you can see what’s going on and have fun together in your car, constantly making sure no teachers or adults are watching. Call it a little nostalgic fun!

11. Try on Halloween costumes.

Head to your local pop-up Halloween shop (think stores like Spirit Halloween) and see who can find the most ridiculous costume to try on. Take photos for a super funny Snapchat feed.

12. Make care packages for the troops.

The last half of the fall, particularly Thanksgiving leading up to the holidays can be very rough on troops overseas working to keep us safe. Pack care packages and send them through organizations like Operation Gratitude, which is currently looking for donated Halloween candy for deployed troops and first responders.

13. Make a bonfire and invite friends over for a group date.

Have a group date around a bonfire and have friends bring over s’more supplies. Group dates can be a fun change from just the two of you. Bonfires are great for some quality time catching up with friends.

14. Head to your local park and play like kids again.

Swing on the swings, slide down the slide, go across the monkey bars—everything you did when you flirted with those you were interested in in the fifth and sixth grades, have at it as adults. Enjoy feeling like kids again for an extra flirty time on the playground.

15. Visit a local yard sale.

Many households tend to do a big fall clean and yard sales begin popping up in September and October. Wander around local yard sales and check out the zany items people sell.

16. Have an in-home spa day.

Give your guy a mani-pedi and have him give you a massage in return. Make it one of the most relaxing date nights you’ll ever have with spa treatments using just your hands and simple tools you have at home.

17. Tour your local city or town.

Spend a beautiful fall afternoon in your local city or town, touring all the local landmarks and chances are, you may stumble across some fun (and free!) events.

Caught Between Two Boys? One Woman Shares Her Advice

November 3, 2017January 22, 2024 by Clementine Francesin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Trying to figure out how to choose between two guys? These ways to “love out loud” might just help you make the choice.

I’ve never been in a relationship!

I used to use the excuse of school or work or Jesus. But they were just excuses. They weren’t true then and they’re not even anything I can use as an excuse now. I’m currently at a place where I’m open to doing the relationship thing (as open as a closed off person can be anyway) — and it’s the worst!

Now that my heart is open, I find myself feeling things for many guys — and two in particular.

One is attentive, and so blatantly interested in me that I don’t have any doubts he’d say yes if I asked him to go out to dinner. If I were a normal person, we’d probably have made out by now or more! But, I’m not a normal person. So it’s a walk to the train. It’s a hug after the walk to the train. And I’m scared. What comes after the hug?

The other guy I was interested in I met a few weeks before this guy, but his attention belongs to many others. I was almost certain he was interested in me, but now I’m not sure it’s interest beyond what he would have for any other woman. He’s a charming, affectionate fellow.

Trying to figure out how to choose between two guys is killing me. Because even though the other guy is almost a done deal, I am not able to turn off my heart for the other guy. And maybe he is not interested at all, or maybe he is, but he’s just as scared as I am. I want to stop feeling for him. But, I feel bad for the other guy because even though he’s great and wonderful and I enjoy our conversations, I would rather return to feeling nothing because I don’t want to hurt him.

It hurts to feel so much for so many people.

The healthy thing would be to move forward with the one who seems more interested, but God forbid the other one steps up. Then what?

I don’t know how people to do it. Commitment truly is a choice. You could fall for anyone. You could give your heart to anyone. I have this fear that if I were to choose one I could miss out on the other one. Or if I choose one, I could break someone’s heart.

I don’t fancy myself a heartbreaker. I don’t want to be the source of anyone’s pain while I’m figuring out how to choose between two guys. But, in not wanting to be the source of anyone’s pain, am I being the source of my own pain?

What if I spoke up? What if I said to the one guy, “Hey, I am interested in you! Are we going to do this or not?” If he said no then I would be free to let go. I’d be sad, but then I wouldn’t be stuck in limbo. If he said yes then I could move forward and see if he’s at all someone I’d be interested in. Then I carry on with my life and love more, meet more people, and do things I thought were impossible!

Fear lets the monsters underneath our beds grow.

Even though they are hiding under our beds they hold us captive. When we turn on the light we’ll see there was nothing to fear at all!

It’s important we speak up. It does us no good to stay silent.

Here are five ways to “love out loud” so we can be fair in our pursuit of romance:

Don’t assume someone is or isn’t interested in you. Go make the move. Rejection hurts, but the not knowing isn’t a healthy way to live either. It keeps you stagnant.
Don’t be afraid to date more than one person. You don’t have to commit forever to anyone. Just commit to date. Or not. This isn’t Pride and Prejudice.
Don’t live your life based on signs. Signs are cryptic. People spend forever attempting to decipher them. But, no one really knows. Unless they ask the person who put up the signs!
Someone saying no to you doesn’t mean you’re less than. You’re not interested in everyone and not everyone is interested in you. A crushing blow, but once you accept that you’ll be free to stop feeling pity for yourself.
You are worth more than uncertainty.

I seldom take my own advice. It might be time to return to therapy so I can have someone holding my hand while I figure things out. Or I could just take a risk and hold my own hand as I think on how to choose between two guys! Stay tuned!

For more reading on modern dating, check out these very specific tips on how to choose between two potential mates, or this article about the pros of dating someone who “scares” you.

15 Exciting Holiday Adventures For Single People

December 11, 2017January 22, 2024 by Kate Oczypokin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Single this season but still looking to have some fun? Here are some unique ways to enjoy yourself this holiday.

Isn’t the holiday season the best? Single or attached, I’ve always loved celebrating all the magic of this time of year. When I was single, I got a little more creative to assure I had a blast in December.

Here are just some ideas on how to have a wonderful time as a single woman this season.

1. Throw your own party.

I adore entertaining and have hosted a holiday party every year since I left college. When I was single, I adored getting to see all of my friends in one place. It was fun to catch up over cocktails and hors d’oeuvres. Pinterest has tons of party ideas to make sure your holiday party is the can’t miss féte of the season.

2. Take a staycation.

Chances are, where you’re currently living has plenty to offer. Take advantage of special holiday adventure hotel deals, spa treatments and more and book a staycation. Consider taking yourself out to dinner too. It may feel over indulgent or awkward at first but by simply taking a deep breath and relishing in the moment, you’ll begin to feel it.

What is “it” you may ask? Consider this, as a single woman you won’t have to worry about finding the perfect gift for your significant other or going through the stress of meeting his parents over the holidays.

3. Let loose at a holiday party.

You’re unattached, why not have some fun? Don’t feel bashful about going to a holiday party you’re invited to solo. Who knows, you may find the perfect person to steal a kiss under the mistletoe.

4. Start a new tradition.

Being unattached means you get to do what you want. Now is a great time to start your own traditions. Whether it’s grabbing a peppermint mocha and taking a walk to check out the Christmas lights, or ordering in Chinese and watching Christmas Vacation, embrace the chance to create memories all your own.

5. Reconnect with old friends.

When you’re home for the holidays, you don’t have to worry about entertaining a significant other. Instead, use the time to reconnect with old friends you’ve lost touch with. Not only will you be making personal connections again, there are also multiple opportunities for networking.

6. Volunteer.

Use the holiday downtime to consider volunteering at a local organization near you. If you’re feeling lonely or unfulfilled during this season, getting involved with a place you’re passionate about could work wonders.

7. Get to know your neighbors.

Apartment life can get lonely sometimes. Knock on your neighbor’s door this season and invite them to coffee or lunch. I mean, it did wonders for Leonard and Penny in The Big Bang Theory.

8. Get to know your city.

While everyone else is frantically figuring out what to wear for the ultimate holiday date night, you can have the opportunity to really get to know your city. Try that new restaurant or bar around the corner, or visit the museum you’ve always wanted to check out. Some holiday romance may be just outside your door.

9. Embrace hygge.

Hygge, pronounced “hygge,” is a Danish term that refers to a general sense of coziness and charm, whether alone or with friends, in your home or out. By embracing this philosophy, your solo holiday season may become just a bit brighter.

10. Take a holiday-themed class.

Look for classes on ornament making, wreath designing or cooking a holiday dish. Before you know it you just may turn into the next Martha Stewart!

11. Take your little nieces and nephews to visit Santa.

Relive your childhood with a trip to the mall to see Santa. Get nostalgic and jump in for a photo yourself!

12. Buy yourself a sexy new outfit.

You’ve given so many gifts this season, it’s time you treat yourself. Head to your favorite boutique or clothing store and pick out a sexy new holiday outfit for all the parties you’ll head to. Buy some lingerie to match too for some extra oomph.

13. Organize a holiday-themed girls’ night.

Get all your best girlfriends together and see a holiday movie (may I recommend Bad Mom’s Christmas?) and go out for drinks after. No boys allowed!

14. Visit your local ice-skating rink.

Unleash your inner Tara Lipinski and head to your local ice-skating rink with your best friends. Enjoy an evening under the stars, laughing as you glide over the ice and fall down a few times too. End the day with some spiked hot chocolate back at your place.

15. Host a tree-trimming party.

Visit your local Christmas tree stand and buy a tree to put up in your home. Invite all your friends over for a fun evening decorating your tree.

Stay positive as a single person this season with these fun holiday experiences.

Being single during the holiday season isn’t a sentence for six weeks of loneliness. The truth is, being single over the most festive time of the year is a great time to enjoy yourself, have fun and explore new opportunities and experiences. These ideas don’t require lots of time and money, just an open mind and lots of optimism during this sparkly season.

If you’re still feeling lonely, check out these tips on how to cope with the blues this season.