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Loving Unconditionally

“The most important thing in this world is to learn to give out love, and let it come in.” ~ Morrie Schwartz

Love is a strange and beautiful thing.

I always thought I knew what love meant. I grew up hearing the words all the time. It was on TV, in books and magazines, and people all around were saying it.

I thought I knew how to love. I mean, I told my teddy bear that I loved him because he kept me safe at night. I told my sister that I loved her, only if she was nice to me and would play the games that I wanted.

But if I didn’t get that new limited edition beanie baby, I felt differently for my parents. If my friends at school didn’t give me the birthday presents I wanted, I felt differently for them.

I seemed to only love the people and things that would give me something in return and that would allow life to go on the way that I wanted it to.

I never truly felt love, a love that was unconditional and all encompassing, until the day I first saw my dad cry.

My friends always tell me that my father is the happiest man that they’ve ever met. He greets everyone with open arms, and his smile is so big you can practically count all of his teeth.

The other day I came home, and my dad looked sullen, the smile usually spread across his face missing. He looked into my eyes and just collapsed into my arms, sobbing.

I could feel his sadness before I even heard the tears, from the way he put his entire body weight on me as if he needed help just standing, and the way he gripped me so tight like a child does with his mom on the first day of school.

My sister had just made a rash career decision that would leave her in a large amount of debt and temporarily unemployed. And my dad just didn’t have the money that she needed to help her out of her situation.

Growing up, my dad always told us that his one purpose in life was to give us the life that he never had. And in his eyes, at that moment, he had failed.

You see, my parents are first generation immigrants from Vietnam. They come from impoverished families, both with more than 10 siblings each. Their journey to America is almost like a fictional tale to me, something that they rarely talk about, with my dad escaping first, then my mom, aunt, and sister, who almost didn’t even make it out alive.

At first, the American Dream wasn’t all that it was made out to be. Yes, freedom rang, but so did the challenge of learning a new language, a new culture, a new way of making money and supporting a family.

But somehow, they did it. They raised my older sister and put her through college. They raised my aunt, and put her through college. They raised my twin sister and me, and put us through college. And in the midst of all that, they found a way to sponsor all of their own siblings to emigrate to the land of the free.

What Happens When a Culture Struggles With Accepting Their Appearance

Screen Shot 2016-01-16 at 7.20.28 PM

The bizarre story of how a Taiwanese model found herself the star of one the Internet’s most popular memes spread online like wildfire. The root of the tale is based on how differently cultures view the concept of beauty and of themselves.

The story begins a few years ago, when things were going pretty well for Taiwanese model Heidi Yeh. After taking small job posing in an ad for a South Korean plastic surgery company, however, everything changed.

The ad featured an attractive couple with three children who had something noticeably different about their appearance — their eyelids were Photoshopped.

“The only thing you’ll have to worry about,” the ad read. “Is how to explain it to the kids.”

While double eyelid surgery is common for affluent people in Asian countries (it’s done to give them a “Western” look, Yeh herself never had the procedure done. But that didn’t stop the Internet from giving that ad a horrible life of its own. The photo, widely circulated online, viciously mocked the model.

People made up a story about the woman in the photo and spread it on the internet,” Yeh said. “They said her husband figured out she had lied to him about not having plastic had surgery done … [the kids] didn’t look anything like her. Then he sued her and won.”

The meme became so widespread that soon even her family and close friends quizzed her about it.Yeh_620_2

“When a friend told me about this I thought it was just rumors. Then I realized the whole world was spreading the story and in different languages,” she said. “People actually believed it and thought this had happened to me. Even my relatives and fiance’s family have asked me about it.”

Yeh shared with the BBC what a terrible impact the whole thing has had on her career and life. “I decided to speak out because I wanted to give myself some courage to deal with this problem,” she said. “People refuse to believe that I have never had plastic surgery. After this, I only got small roles in advertisements. Because of this, I haven’t been able to sleep well and have broken down many times crying.”

The model is currently suing the ad agency, J. Walter Thompson (JWT), to recoup losses she claims the ad has caused. She’s also going after a cosmetic clinic that used the photo for an online ad campaign, one that may have been the biggest force in the meme becoming so popular.

What Happens When a Culture Struggles With Accepting Their Appearance

Screen Shot 2016-01-16 at 7.20.28 PMThe bizarre story of how a Taiwanese model found herself the star of one the Internet’s most popular memes spread online like wildfire. The root of the tale is based on how differently cultures view the concept of beauty and of themselves.

The story begins a few years ago, when things were going pretty well for Taiwanese model Heidi Yeh. After taking small job posing in an ad for a South Korean plastic surgery company, however, everything changed.

The ad featured an attractive couple with three children who had something noticeably different about their appearance — their eyelids were Photoshopped.

“The only thing you’ll have to worry about,” the ad read. “Is how to explain it to the kids.”

While double eyelid surgery is common for affluent people in Asian countries (it’s done to give them a “Western” look, Yeh herself never had the procedure done. But that didn’t stop the Internet from giving that ad a horrible life of its own. The photo, widely circulated online, viciously mocked the model.

People made up a story about the woman in the photo and spread it on the internet,” Yeh said. “They said her husband figured out she had lied to him about not having plastic had surgery done … [the kids] didn’t look anything like her. Then he sued her and won.”

The meme became so widespread that soon even her family and close friends quizzed her about it.

Yeh_620_2

“When a friend told me about this I thought it was just rumors. Then I realized the whole world was spreading the story and in different languages,” she said. “People actually believed it and thought this had happened to me. Even my relatives and fiance’s family have asked me about it.”

Yeh shared with the BBC what a terrible impact the whole thing has had on her career and life. “I decided to speak out because I wanted to give myself some courage to deal with this problem,” she said. “People refuse to believe that I have never had plastic surgery. After this, I only got small roles in advertisements. Because of this, I haven’t been able to sleep well and have broken down many times crying.”

The model is currently suing the ad agency, J. Walter Thompson (JWT), to recoup losses she claims the ad has caused. She’s also going after a cosmetic clinic that used the photo for an online ad campaign, one that may have been the biggest force in the meme becoming so popular.

Creepy Dating…

Predictions about sex, love and tech


Robot sex! DNA dating! Dinosaur porn! New York City’s Museum of Sex (our favorite museum, for obvious reasons) and data analysis firm sparks & honey have compiled a list of 19 predictions for the future of dating, according to current trends. And we’re a little scared.

1. Microbial match

Woman getting mouth swabbed

The prediction: “As we continue to map and explore our DNA and individual microbiomes, anticipate services that match people based on both.”

Because nothing says “sexy” like swabbing your cheek and putting a saliva-soaked Q-tip in a Petri dish!

2. Formula one flirting

Woman on smartphone

The prediction: “The rise of instant gratification social media platforms like Snapchat, Vine, Tinder and Grindr have turned courtship into a fast and furious process. Seasoned speed daters find spontaneous snackable video snippets more authentic.”

Mmmmm, snackable video snippets. Did we learn nothing from the Charm, MeetMe and At First Sight apps? Videos of a bro showing off his skillz by dribbling a miniature basketball, a wannabe comedian doing his best Aziz Ansari impression, or some dude trying (and failing) to twerk against a wall aren’t exactly what we’d call appealing. Actually, it’s what we call “watching a stream of the most awkward homemade YouTube videos ever recorded and then giving up on dating completely.” Future, we’re kind of disappointed in you.

3. Selfie scrubbing

Retouching face in Photoshop

The prediction: “We’ve seen a number of auto-correcting retouching services launch, such as Facetune, to fine-tune photos effortlessly. From profile writing to history cleansing, expect perfecting practices to become standard operating procedure for daters of the future.”

Oh, come on, like you’ve never Photoshopped the dark circles under your eyes or chosen the perfect Instagram filter that makes you really, really, really ridiculously good-looking (hmmmm, Kelvin or Nashville?). Besides, no one looks like their online dating profile anyway. Especially not in an age when you can take 1,382 selfies in front of your bathroom mirror and pick the one that accents your eyes but hides your chin. It’s an art form, really.

Why a Scary Date May Be the One You’re Looking For

“If she doesn’t scare the hell out of you a little, she’s not the one”


At first glance, this meme might seem to be implying that you need to only date emotionally unstable people. But if you sit with it for a moment, it takes on a whole other (and more important) layer of meaning.

As much as mainstream media would prefer you to think otherwise, the best relationships are not all sunshine and roses.

Relationships are the ultimate vehicle for self-growth… and the best kind of love that you can engage in is the confronting kind. The kind where your partner acts as a mirror to you and they lovingly help pull all of your demons out of you over time. They act as a catalyst for positive growth.

They’ll point a flashlight into every corner of your dark mental attic, and illuminate all of the things that you try to hide from the world. And they will illuminate it with love, patience, and compassion.

Just when you expect them to run away (after having found out about your deepest, darkest secrets), they’ll tell you that they love you even more now that they know more about you.

Intimacy is about truly letting someone see you. It’s also anxiety producing for the vast majority of people. Letting someone really know you, and really see you, can be terrifying. You are laying your heart in their hands and saying to them “Please be gentle with this.” And if they’re the right one for you, they will reply back (verbally or non-verbally) “I wouldn’t dream of ever being anything else to you.”

When I first started dating again after an emotionally traumatic breakup, I was hesitant to let anyone get close to me. I engaged in surface level relationships because I feared the anxiety that intimacy produced for me. Even ‘admitting’ that I’d had a difficult day was enough to make my heart race.

In my emotional closure I didn’t think I would ever be able to open up to someone ever again.

Until one fateful day when I met someone who shook up my world entirely.

Her eyes penetrated through me. There was no hiding around her. She never had to say it out loud, but I knew that she saw me.

My ego’s first self-protective instinct was to run away and revert back to my old unproductive habits. Run away before she finds out all of the messy things about your past. Push her away before she has a chance to see past your self-deceptions. Avoid any contact with her in case she might make you feel big, scary emotions again.

My ego resisted her every step of the way. I told myself she wasn’t my usual type. I tried to hide behind things like “She’s too young/inexperienced/small town/etc. for me.” But it was all bullshit. Every thought that tried to keep me away from her was just my ego’s sad excuse to stay closed down emotionally. It was a defense mechanism and I knew it.

When I really started to show up and tell her how I was feeling (namely, scared shitless to even be around her) she received it with grace and compassion. Because even before I had verbalized it, she knew. She already saw me.

As terrifying as intimacy can be, the process of holding up our demons in the light is deeply therapeutic. Shame cannot continue to exist or thrive in the loving context of a close intimate relationship.

Was I fixed forever for having her met her? No. It’s a process like everything else. I had to repeatedly breathe into the deeper layers of anxiety as I let myself be seen more and more by her.

But I’ll be eternally grateful that I did meet her. Because her scaring the hell out of me was my ticket to a positive transformation that I never could have anticipated.

So if you’re at a place in your life where you are starting to see someone who challenges you, confronts you, and scares you on some level, take stock of whether or not you think they might be a force for positive change in your life.

Don’t date someone who scares you because they are controlling, angry, violent, or abusive in any way. That’s the bad kind of fear and it’s an unhealthy relationship to engage in. But date someone who scares you because they encourage you to face all of the things you’ve tried to suppress for so long. Date someone who lovingly pushes you to become more who you are at your core as a person. Date someone who nudges you outside of your comfort zone regularly and helps you level up in life.

It might just be the best thing you ever did for yourself.


Curated by Erbe
Original Article

His Reactions Mystify You

Many ballsy women are afraid to say ‘Please do this’ or ‘Don’t do that’ in bed. Here’s what some women are really thinking.


Our sexist culture unleashes many forms of toxic socialization on its inhabitants, but few lessons seem to take as well as teaching girls from the cradle to coddle the male ego, not just with flattery but with a deep unwillingness to speak truths that could cause men to feel uncomfortable or imperfect. And nowhere is this less true than in the sack. Many a woman who feels herself a ballsy broad in her daily life finds herself in bed, afraid to say “Please do this” or “Don’t do that” for fear of confronting a man looking shocked, upset, or disappointed—which can push a button installed in us as little girls labeled Failure As A Woman.

We know we should get over it already. We know we should speak up and take our lumps and men who can’t handle it are bad lovers we should be dumping anyway. It’s not like we’re not trying. The female half of the human race spends an ungodly amount of time and money trying to unlearn passivity and replace it with a dose of speaking up for themselves.

In the meantime, however, there’s a number of things women are thinking about sex that tend to go unsaid, but you men should probably know them anyway.

1. We can tell when you’re doing something because you saw it in a porno.

Most sex in porn is about what’s good for the camera, not what’s good for the participants in it, especially the women. In fact, many things that look good in porn can keep us from having fun in real-life sex. For instance, in porn the only parts of their bodies the actors often touch are their genitals, so that the camera can get a full view of the action. But in real life, sex is more of a whole-body experience, and the genital-only thing can feel cold and masturbatory.

Of course, we know that men know this, and most would deny that they’re doing stuff because it looked good in a porn and not because it felt good in the moment. So we’d rather not bring it up when you do stuff that looks better in porn than it feels in life. We don’t want to argue over whether or not that’s what you’re doing. But when you do something you picked up in a porn that doesn’t add to the real-life pleasure, we take notice and we’re often hoping you get it out of your system so we can move on to activities that are actually fun.

2. Endurance is overrated.

It’s not that cultural jokes about two-pump chumps are completely baseless. Women do like having sex, and most of us can point to at least one or two experiences where a man orgasmed as soon as he touched you, and then rolled over and fell asleep while you wondered if that was all you’re going to get. But just because women would prefer intercourse to last more than 60 seconds doesn’t mean that longer is always better. If you consider a point of pride that you can thrust away for an hour without coming, there’s a high chance your partner is lying under you wondering how on earth she can say she’d have liked to wrap it up 40 minutes ago, but is afraid to say anything because she doesn’t want to stomp all over your accomplishments. The vagina’s ability to continue lubricating itself is limited, which can make marathon sex feel more like a duty than a joy.

3. We actually do know what will get us to orgasm.

Are you trying this and then trying that and finding nothing works to get her there? There’s a strong possibility she actually knows exactly what needs to happen, because she’s had practice masturbating, but is afraid to say so because her path to orgasm has been perceived by other men or the culture at large as bitchy or emasculating. She might feel that bringing a vibrator in bed will make you feel like less than a man, or she might worry that having you eat her out at length is boring for you. So she won’t ask. If you suspect this might be the case, it’s well worth bringing up. But don’t do it during sex, when fear of judgment is that much higher. While you’re sitting on the couch watching American Idol will lower the stakes of this discussion tremendously.

4. “Getting there” is more trouble than it’s worth.

This is only true for a minority of women, but when I put the call out on Twitter for women to tell me what they don’t tell men, the women who said this were the most passionate respondents. For women who have trouble orgasming, sex could be fun, but it isn’t not because of their lack of orgasm so much as their fear they’ll disappoint their partners. They find themselves avoiding sex because they don’t want to have to endure endless attempts to bring forth an orgasm that will never come, but they still like to masturbate, even if they usually can’t reach orgasm. So, when you’re having that talk explaining that you’re not going to freak out if she starts speaking up about her needs, be clear that you’re not going to judge her if she’s feeling like orgasms don’t have to be the star of the show every time she has sex.

Many women don’t fake orgasms. But pretty much all women turn the volume up on the ones they do have, because they know you like it. This isn’t lying, but embellishment, and it would be nice if men returned the favor. Sex is no time for masculine stoicism. A little verbal appreciation in the form of moaning and groaning makes a nice two-way street.

5. Our bodies are very sensitive when aroused, so err on the gentle side.

When I put the call out for suggestions for this article, this was probably the No. 1 category, with comments like, “That’s a clitoris, not an elevator button.” Nipple-twisting was also denounced, and one woman noted that not every woman is a fan of finger-banging, which can feel rough and sort of pointless. Men who dive at your genitals with their mouths were appreciated for their enthusiasm, but not so much for their technique. Overall, the feeling was that more pressure can be added as needed, but the shock to the system of having someone overdo it can be a major turnoff.

Obviously, every woman is different, and even with these most general of guidelines, you’ll find dissenters. Communication between partners is the ideal. But have some sympathy on women who haven’t read enough self-help books or seen enough therapists to overcome their fear of speaking up. You might find that having patience and understanding will make it easier to draw them out over the long run. To encourage more communication, don’t make faces or act like your ego is hurt when women do push themselves to speak up. It likely took a lot of courage to do so in the first place.


Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Does Age Really Matter in a Relationship?

Statistically speaking most people form relationships with people close to their own age.


If you look around you, you will most likely find that your friends, neighbours and relatives are in relationships with people between two to 7 years older or younger than they themselves are.

Women have traditionally married men a couple of years older. There are a few rational reasons for this. In the past a woman wanted someone who was a bit more established than she was, and anecdotally men want to wait longer before they have families.

In my own life I have dated men up to 16 years older than I am, and also men up to 9 years younger. The younger I was it seemed, the older my partner was!

When I was 18 I had a 2 year relationship with a man of 34. He was just 10 years younger than my Dad, and was actually friends with him. I benefitted from his maturity, but eventually found the relationship a bit stifling. We were both volunteers for St. John’s Ambulance, and that was the only thing we really had in common.

During the time I was dating the older guy, I met a man of 22, and we had an on-off relationship for a couple of years. In many ways I was the more mature of the two of us, he was a musician and a bit of a skirt-chaser. The advantage of the relationship was that we had so much in common. We both enjoyed the same kind of music, and with that as a background would talk into the wee hours of the morning over endless cups of coffee, with our gang of mutual friends. My first really long term relationship was also with someone virtually my own age. We had similar backgrounds, similar interests, and in most ways were a perfect fit.

When that relationship broke down, I played the field for a few years and dated both younger and older men. Each age group seemed to have some advantages, younger men were mostly energetic, adorable and a tad insecure, awed by your profound knowledge! but had a totally different frame of reference. Older men were more likely to nurture and want to protect little old you, but tended to want to be “in charge”!

I remember telling one of my younger dates (He was 21, I was 30.) that I had gone to see the World’s Fair with friends, he replied that his parents had taken him – he had been 9, I had been 18, literally double his age! His tastes in music were vastly different, and his idea of a good time was dancing the night away at a party, my taste was maturing into an appreciation of Wine and Fine Dining!

My affection for him was almost condescending, and I did not like that he brought that out in me. I also found that men of my own age, despite the natural differences in personality, at least understood the same social and political references, and had seen the same movies that I had seen!

I had noticed that in many May/September romances of any kind, it is the power imbalance that strains the relationship, so if that is evened out in some way, by money, prestige, or even just personality, then relative power is not an issue.

In my opinion, similarity in tastes and experience is more important than age; but you are much more likely to find those similarities in someone fairly close to your own age. As you age, the gap can actually widen a bit. A 50 year old woman and a 40 year old man (or vice versa) probably have much experience in common, and, in North America at least, maturity is a great leveller.

Each relationship is unique, of course, what works for one is not necessarily good for another.

Problems due to different tastes can be worked through if both parties are willing to compromise. There are mature 20 year-olds, and immature 40 year-olds. As with any aspect of a relationship it works if you both really want it to. Just look at Madonna! – or maybe that’s not a good example.

Age may be just a number, and we are all as old as we feel, or as young as we look,  Right now I am married to a man who is 6 months my junior, but looks and acts his age, whereas I look and act 10 years younger! The older I get it seems that age becomes just demographic information, and inside my head I can remember being 19, which makes me younger than my children!

More Into P*rn than You–What Do You Do?

Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW’s Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!


Dear Abiola,

Is it normal for my husband to be more into porn than into me?

I got married 4 years ago. From the beginning I have had a feeling that my husband is not emotionally attached to me. Now we talk very little. He is always busy internet surfing or playing games. I feel so lonely.

He is not interested in sex any more. It has been 2 months since we had sex. I have caught him masturbating so many times while watching porn. But whenever I try to join in or do sexy stuff with him, he refuses or remains quiet.

This all hurt too much. I love him and want to be with him. All I want is to be loved and to have his time. I tried to talk to him but he refuses or says it’s not a problem or gets angry.

I feel like porn has come between my relationship and I am blaming myself. Pornography is evil. What should I do to be loved by him!

Signed,

Broken Woman

Dearest Sacred Bombshell,

First of all, you are not broken. You are a whole and complete woman no matter what is happening to you in your relationship, bedroom, or life.

You have nothing to blame yourself for. A man — or woman — cannot be driven to porn by anything his or her partner does. Read that sentence again. Your husband is an adult. He is the only one responsible for his choices. Your husband should absolutely not be choosing porn over you. That is beyond problematic.

Your question, “What can I do to be loved by him?” is also extremely troubling. That set off all of my alarms; not only as Life Coach but also as a woman. There is no right thing that you can do to be loved by the wrong person. Someone either loves and accepts who you are or they don’t.

You say that your husband has not been emotionally into you. Is it possible that your husband may be depressed and not have the emotional ability to express his sadness? Did something transformative happen personally or professionally around the time that his behavior changed?

If someone wants to numb and avoid their real lives, they can become addicted to anything. Porn is your husband’s drug of choice. It is not the adult films that are evil. The issue is that you are sad and lonely in a non-communicative marriage with no emotional or sexual intimacy. If your husband is addicted to pornography, you cannot have a healthy relationship. You can’t have a healthy relationship with an addict.

Ask your husband to join you in therapy ASAP. Show him this post. Tell him that this is a 911 situation. Let him know that you have been feeling sad and lonely in your relationship. Meanwhile, you may both find support in a 12-step group. Please note that this is not intended to treat or diagnose any illness or condition. Your husband needs to take responsibility for his own well-being.

Be Broken Ministries is a group for men struggling with porn addiction. FightTheNewDrug.org is an online recovery program and Sexaholics Anonymous at SA.org can be a great place for you both to find support.

I called you a Sacred Bombshell because I have reclaimed the word “bombshell” to mean a woman who loves, honors, and cherishes herself in mind, body, and spirit. This is what I want for you. You deserve to feel love and connection in your relationship. You deserve your man’s love and his time. Whether your husband acknowledges the issues or chooses remains in denial, I urge you to get support for yourself immediately.

Passionately yours,

Abiola


Curated by Erbe
Original Article

The Hottest New Sex Tape

Here’s the psychology behind why people love making and watching sex tapes, and how it can revive or deaden a relationship.


Lights, camera, action!

In a relationship, we’ve all once thought about closing the curtains, getting undressed, and hitting “record” on the camcorder. Videotaping ourselves having sex with our partner sounds naughty, especially for the modern couple looking to do more than the conservative. But while standing in front of the camera, possibly stricken with performance anxiety, have we ever wondered why we’re so desperate to film our carnal acts? Even more so, why do we enjoy watching them later?

1. The Birth Of The Sex Tape: Celebrity Overnight

We have actor Rob Lowe to thank for bringing one of the first sex tapes into mainstream media in 1988, possibly giving way for a new American sex norm. A video leaked of the actor with two women, one underage, in an Atlanta hotel room. Fast forward to nine years later, Pam Anderson and then-husband Tommy Lee’s raunchy vacation movie became one of the first viral sex videos.

These “leaked” celebrity sex tapes subsequently became an object of fascination, and even inspired some of us to record our bedroom encounters with the risk of the uninvited world tuning into our private time.

“I think that celebrity itself has a powerful influence in the general public,” Dr. Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills psychotherapist, author of The Self-Aware Parent, and expert panelist on WE TV’s Sex Box told Medical Daily.

Kelly Chisholm, a certified sex therapist and intimacy coach, says aside from celebrity sex tapes, porn usage has also influenced couples to film sex tapes.

“[W]ith the increase of porn usage, many couples are intrigued by being a porn star in their own home,” she said.

Who suggests the dirty flick, however, may often be the male. But why?

2. Visual Sexual Stimulation: Men Vs. Women

It is known sexual stimuli differ for men and women, because they respond more strongly to it than women do. This is why pornographic magazines and videos are more directed at men, since they consume it on a greater scale. Out of approximately 40 million adults who visit porn websites annually, 72 percent are male, while only 28 percent are female.

So, does this make men inclined to pitch the idea of a sex tape?

“Men are visual. All you have to do is take a quick glance at the profits for the porn industry to know I’m right. And if they have a partner who’s ready and willing to make a sex tape, which is porn, it doesn’t get much better for them. They get to have sex and watch the sex, while possibly having more sex, creating levels of pleasure.” April Masini, relationship expert and author, told Medical Daily.

9 Ways Couples Drive a Single Crazy

Do your couple friends annoy you with too much loving?


Before I start, I will like to say that whatever I’m going to write may sound a little like bad-belleism but hey, you will also agree with me that these couple behaviours are very very irritating:

Getting All Mushy In Public:

nobody is trying to tell you to not look into each other’s eyes or hold hands or kiss in public but please, keep it down, people are watching. You don’t need to swallow each other’s tongues and smooch in public, save all that for your private rendezvous; we don’t need to be a spectator to something that should be between you guys alone.

Calling Each Other Pet Names In Public:

this is just as irritating as the excessive public display of affection. We can deal with the regular “baby”, “sweetheart”, “darling” and even “bae” but don’t go overboard with private pet names that gets us wondering what the meaning is and how the name came about.

Laughing at private jokes:

what are you trying to do? Make me feel bad that there’s nobody in my life to share secret jokes with? Don’t tell private jokes in public and laugh at it all by yourself, it makes us look clueless or dumb for not grasping the joke.

Playing Matchmaker:

I’m single, I know but must you rub it in by making me feel like I can’t get a man on my own? Stop it, mbok. Don’t hook me up with all your friends. I may not be happy single but I’m not hopeless, I can get a man on my own; maybe just later than you hoped.

Faking Being Happy:

your real life relationship is so sad and you’re not happy with your man yet your facebook wall and instagram page is telling another story of a happy girl who is head over heels in love. Who are you kidding? Lol. We all know the #YingToMyYang #LifePartner #Best Friends hashtags are as fake as your relationship, so drop the act already.

A Foot Turn On

“If we go out to dinner with friends, he’ll put his feet in between my legs and start massaging me.”


After breasts and booties, feet are the body part that turns us on most. But what is it about feet that does it for so many people? In this week’s Sex Talk Realness, Cosmopolitan.com speaks with one woman and two men about having a foot fetish.

How old are you?

Woman A: Twenty-eight.
Man A: Twenty-three.
Man B: Thirty-three.

And do you date men, women, or both?

Woman A: Men.
Man A: Women.
Man B: Women. (I’m married.)

When (and how) did you first realize you had a thing for feet?

Woman A: I was 20 years old when I went from being a tomboy who didn’t really pay attention to my feet to a girly girl who went to the nail salon to get her first pedicure. I loved seeing guys go to the salon to get their feet massaged and their toenails cut. I loved how clean and soft-looking their feet were. I watched the women in the salon massage and caress the guys’ feet, and liked seeing how nice they looked after they put on their sandals. That’s when I started liking feet and I became curious to try something new with my boyfriend.
Man A: I think I was 17. Since I was young, I considered legs to be sexy, but I didn’t care much about feet — as long as they weren’t terrible-looking, I was fine. Around that age, a classmate mentioned he liked to watch videos on YouTube where women showed their feet on purpose. I knew about the fetish but still thought it was a little weird, then one day I became curious and saw some of those videos only to realize I also thought some of them were sexy. That’s when I started to notice feet.
Man B: Probably 15 or 16. I just realized that instead of the standard boobs and bums, I was obsessed with staring at women’s feet and toes, imagining them in my mouth or rubbing them on my face.

What do you like about feet?

Woman A: Men’s feet can be very soft and smooth-looking; they’re big and the shape is nice. I love the arch of a man’s foot, how it is masculine with the toes and ankles that are strong with muscle.
Man A: They’re usually soft, the shape is cute, but my favorite thing about them is that they are very curvy. There are curves everywhere, the toes, ankles, heels, insteps, and the best one, the arches.
Man B: Everything. I’m a feet man through and through.

When You Haven’t Had Sex with Your Partner in a Long Time

I’m attracted to him, but I haven’t been able to get closer.


My husband and I have not had sex in a year and a half. We’ve had sex maybe 10 times in the last five years. I am a sexual trauma survivor. These two things are directly related, but it’s taken me years to make the connection.

Our sex life wasn’t always like this. For the first six months of our relationship, we had sex all the time. Passionate, mind-blowing sex, in fact. Knock-your-socks off sex. So you can imagine my husband’s confusion when I suddenly seemed to lose interest.

It was around the time we moved in together, and I didn’t know what was wrong. We thought it was hormonal, and I switched birth control. We thought it was related to some major life changes, so we waited it out. We thought it was a difference in libido, so we tried things like taking sex off the table for a month. We tried hooking up but not having intercourse. I started going to therapy. The problem only got worse.

My husband began to feel like I wasn’t attracted to him anymore. He stopped trying to initiate things. He grew resentful. We talked about options like opening our marriage. We had a lot of conversations about the fact that this wasn’t fair or what he wanted in a relationship. Since I have also been interested in women, he questioned whether I was attracted to men at all.

Meanwhile, I felt despondent. I felt detached and numb. I knew I was attracted to my husband, because I felt it. But I didn’t want to have sex. I wanted to kiss and cuddle without it leading to anything else. Sometimes I’d give into some form of sexual activity, but I always felt empty and used afterwards. There was always an elephant in the room. It felt like it was between us when we got into bed at night.

What’s funny is that I’m a certified rape crisis counselor. I can talk about the effects of sexual trauma on sex until I’m blue in the face. But I couldn’t internalize it and apply it to my own life. I was sure that there was a different problem. I swore that my trauma hadn’t affected me to that level. And for years, I used sex as a coping mechanism.

In the years leading up to meeting my husband, I found myself joining the “sex positive” movement. I wore it like a badge of liberation. I was determined to take back my body. I found BDSM and kink, and I jumped in with abandon. I thought I was free. It’s only now, with clear vision, that I can look back and see that I was not in an emotionally healthy place to be making these kinds of decisions. At the time, I viewed a lot of these activities as consensual but I recognize now that I was not emotionally healthy enough to be consenting. It is absolutely possible to participate in fully consensual BDSM. But for me, at that time, I wasn’t capable of it and I didn’t realize it. And the result of this is that it traumatized me more.

That all came to a head for me when my husband and I moved in. What I know now, that I didn’t know then, is that all of this is normal. What I know now, that I couldn’t internalize then, is that I was coping in the best way I knew how. And it’s because of the safety that I finally felt with my husband and in our relationship that the symptoms of my trauma finally shone through. And now I’m left undoing not only the harm that other people have done to me, but the harm I caused myself under the guise of sexual liberation.

Today, my husband and I are seeing a wonderful counselor. What we’ve learned, together, is that it’s normal for sex to be great at the beginning and to taper off when the survivor begins to feel “safe.” My dissociation and numbness around sex are also normal. It was hard for him to understand at first, because dissociation doesn’t look traumatic to someone witnessing it; it just looks like lack of enthusiasm. Which is why, for so long, my husband thought I just wasn’t into sex with him. As we, and I, start to work through this stuff, I get triggered. It gets hard. It gets uncomfortable. But I choose to think of it as progress, as a sign that I’m beginning to move through the numbing phase and onto the healing phase.

We both know that we have a long road ahead of us. We know that we won’t go back to having wonderful, consistent sex tomorrow, or even next week. But now that we’re both on the same page and the problem is clear, we feel a freedom and a closeness that we haven’t felt in a long time. The fact that we’re tackling this together brings us an intimacy that we lost when we stopped having sex. And while having regular date nights and finding activities to do together doesn’t bring quite the same intimacy that sex does, we’re taking steps in the direction of healing and we both finally feel hopeful that one day, we’ll have sex again.


Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Body Positive… Big Girls Can Wear a Bikini

“Bikinis don’t look good on bigger girls,” is the statement she’s addressing here, and her response is perfect: “I’m going to have to disagree,” Lane notes.


Loey Lane has become one of the most influential plus size fashion vloggers on YouTube in the past two years. And there’s no doubt that Loey Lane swimsuit videos are among some of her most popular uploads via her channel, which — ICYMI — has 359,000+ subscribers to date.

Lane’s fashion and beauty repertoire on YouTube is quite extensive as she covers everything from skincare to makeup to shopping to fashion to, of course, outfit posts. Weaved within her videos is a body positive theme that’s hard to deny. Though the comment section on many of her videos is often littered with haters and people who try to discourage her outlook on her own body image, there is also a ton of solidarity — making it obvious that viewers the world over have found her encouraging viewpoints on being a curvier, fuller-figured woman enlightening.

Last month, Lane shared a video to address some of the grief she had been receiving for wearing swimsuits in photographs and videos. The four and a half minute reaction, entitled “Why Fat Girls Shouldn’t Wear Bikinis,” has come to media attention this week, leading to her thoughts on the so-called reasons that plus size women shouldn’t wear bikinis garnering over one million views.

Here are just seven body positive points Loey Lane makes in the video, all while wearing a killer bikini.

1. No one human or entity can decide what’s attractive or what’s not.

loey lane

“Bikinis don’t look good on bigger girls,” is the statement she’s addressing here, and her response is perfect: “I’m going to have to disagree,” Lane notes.

She pokes fun at the fact that some people act like the general consensus from YouTube commenters is the “be all and end all” when it comes to a fashion verdict. But trolls’ words mean nothing, and they just never will.

2. No one can dictate what you put on your body

loey lane

Even though the thought of seeing a bikini on a plus size woman might still make someone bigoted individuals uncomfortable, it doesn’t mean you have to live by their standards. Basically, Loey Lane reiterates that what you want to wear and what you feel comfortable in are no one’s choice but yours.

Lane also makes the point that most of the time, thinner women are never asked to not wear a bikini or revealing clothes, even if some people’s aesthetic preferences lean towards fuller figures. So why should plus women be treated any differently?

3. Wearing a bikini as a larger woman is not an effort to make people believe they should be bigger, too.

loey lane

I love how Loey Lane puts this into perspective. In her video, she notes that it’s not like she’s laying out on the beach stuffing her face with junk food as a way of “promoting obesity,” (although it’d be her choice and her choice only to do so), as some critics suggest she and other plus women wearing a bikini are doing.

It’s as simple as this: Plus size women are only promoting self confidence regardless of size. That’s it.

4. Plus-size women are often misunderstood when they do “healthy” things.

Lane makes an excellent point here by reenacting a hypothetical scene of her with a bowl of fruit. A voice says in the background, “Look at her trying to pretend to be healthy. Go get on a treadmill.”

Plus women are criticized when they don’t “embrace a healthy lifestyle,” (“healthy” as defined by the mainstream, because there are many different ways of being/looking heathy, of course), but then they are equally criticized all the same when they share gym selfies or pictures of a banana. This type of standard is absurd and unnecessarily cruel.

5. Plus-size women in bikinis are NOT asking for your feedback.

loey lane

Lane also addresses the idiocy behind the comment that “if a plus size woman wears anything revealing, she’s just asking for someone to shame her.”

Here’s the thing: Most people don’t actually want Internet trolls or IRL bullies to say negative things about them. And the way women dress is by no means an open call for others to vocalize their opinions. Loey Lane basically says that if you don’t have anything good to say, why say it at all?

What’s Your Ideal Age Gap for a Long Term Relationship?

It’s widely believed age doesn’t matter when it comes to relationships, but a new study from Emory University says otherwise.


While we can think of a few couples making the age-gap relationship work (Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas for instance), others such as Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are apparently a common statistic.

“A five-year age gap statistically means you’re 18 percent more likely to divorce (versus just 3 percent with a 1-year age difference), and that rate rises to 39 percent for a 10-year age difference and 95 percent for a 20-year age gap,” reports Andrew Francis and Hugo Mialon, professors in the Department of Economics. (So that explains Hugh Hefner’s many marriages then…).

The reason these relationships don’t work out is purely down to generational differences according to the study.

“Partners from different generations may have different cultural reference points and values, and polar opposite tastes in music and film, and even friends, and also have different approaches to their sex life, says Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills psychotherapist and panelist on “Sex Box,” a forthcoming We TV relationship therapy show. “Sex drive goes up for women in middle age, but sexual function decreases for men.”

Apparently though, staying power is a big factor when it comes to divorce: if you can make it to the two-year marriage mark, you’re 43 per cent less likely to divorce, and if you reach 10 years, you’re practically guaranteed to be together for life, with a 94 per cent success rate.

Whatever the stats might be though, we think it comes down to the individual couple – and there’s no measure of success for that.

What is your age preference in relationship, older, younger, same?


Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Loving Yourself After Extreme Weight Loss

bakerIn a recent article for Refinery29, Elna Baker shared her personal experience with extreme weight loss and the mental and physical impact it had on her. Baker was overweight most of her life and, at her heaviest, weighed 265 pounds. By her mid-20s she had enough and lost 110 pounds. After she accomplished something she “never thought was possible” Baker was still unhappy, but for a completely different reason: her skin. It sagged from her now-thin frame and no matter how she tried to tuck it away or make it vanish with lotions and exercise, it still sagged. “The Before and After pictures you see on billboards—they’re a lie,” Baker says. “After dropping my weight, I had so much extra skin that I could lay on my side and pull it a half-foot in either direction.”

Baker would have four surgeries to remove the excess skin and turn her into the person she wanted to see in the “After” picture. She got implants the size of her old breasts and a body lift. Two years later, she went in for a circumferential body lift. “They made an incision around my entire waist, cut out a 6-inch belt of skin, and then sewed me back together, removing ten pounds of skin altogether… Now I have a scar that runs completely around my waist, as if a magician cut me in half.”

Here’s how Baker looked after the surgery:

Photo by Jessica Peterson via Refinery29
Photo by Jessica Peterson via Refinery29

You could imagine how she felt when recently, her boyfriend invited her to a “spa retreat” in Big Sur, California that included a naked bath. After years of feeling insecure about her weight and then years of continuous surgeries to repair her body, a naked spa was the last thing Baker wanted to hop into. The spa was filled with “the types of people you’d see in an advanced Yoga class in LA,” Baker said. But she bravely entered the spa. After ten minutes, she excused herself to a solo bath. The next day, she reflected on how powerful it was to confront her fears and came to a revelation. “I can see my body however I want to. I choose to dislike it. And I do because after all these years, disliking the way I look has become part of my identity. Instead of owning my body, I let the world tell me who I’m supposed to be and how I’m supposed to look.”

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You can see more of photographer Jessica Peterson’s work here.

(Original story written by Tod Perry for our partners at GOOD)