4. Quantified relationships

The prediction: “Big [bedroom] data from sensors and apps, such as Spreadsheets, provide insights into your ‘performance’ and why relationships (and sex) work or fail.”

Although we love a dude who loves spreadsheets (like this guy, who tracked his online dates in Excel — that’s just practical), show us a guy who wants to measure how long he lasts in bed, and we will show you a guy who doesn’t exist. Unless he’s Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. As fun as sexy sensors sound (“do they vibrate” is what we want to know), sex spreadsheets just aren’t going to happen, especially when one person is pissed that the sex is over and one person is fast asleep.

5. Long-distance foreplay

The prediction: “Recent inventions such as sophisticated sex bots and Fundawear have compressed space and time, making virtual (or long-distance) sex a physical experience. Virtual sex is no longer vicarious, but visceral. This stands to keep relationships intact as society becomes more mobile.”

The idea of widely available vibrating underwear is awesome. As are the startups that are trying to make other interactive vibrators happen. But… if you’re interested in something a little more real-feeling than vibes, kissing machines still look like this or this. Hot?

6. Love metrics

The prediction: “Metrics can now be applied to ephemeral concepts such as love. For the quantified self-inclined, stats help to optimize current relationships, extract learning from mistakes and guide planning the next encounter. Imagine one’s ‘love footprint’ is not only measured but broadcast.”

Um, we’d rather our mistakes not be broadcast. Especially our recurring mistake of falling for the frontmen of various local bands. Also, if everyone were judged on the quality of their exes, we’d all be single forever. Future fail.