Why Communication about Sexual Issues Is the Hardest Challenge Faced by Couples

May 1, 2017January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS, Sex, SEX TIPS

The Four C’s of Having the Talks

Communication is the life-line for sexual happiness to survive and flourish in every long-term conjugal relationship

Sex is one of the basic instincts in human beings, and it is powerful.

Marriage is an arrangement we have created to discipline and channelise this powerful instinct in us. So, it is natural for us to think about our sex life, our sexual needs, and fulfilment, particularly when we are married.

There are three ways in which people respond, whenever their sex life sets them thinking.

Suppress or deliberately avoid thinking. This is a choice taken by those whose spouse is unavailable due to reasons such as job compulsions, extramarital involvement, religious ideas or physical incapability. Husbands and wives in such situations suppress their sexual urges out of helplessness and, thus, consciously avoid thinking of sex. This state is similar to those who have taken the oath of celibacy.
Ignore the thought of sex. This choice is taken by those who find the sexual connection with their spouse less important than some other aspects of their life, such as money, business, ambition, name and fame. Many busy celebrities, politicians, businessmen and social workers come in this category.
Give a sincere thought to sex life. This is healthy, with the exception of a small percentage of people who think “excessively” about sex. Problems may appear, in the latter, due to faulty expectations and misconceptions brought on by the media, erotic films, and novels.

David Reuben, author of How to Get the Most Out of Sex, writes: “If sex is right, then everything is right. If sex is wrong then nothing else can be right.”

Many people think about their sex life in the right direction and in the right proportion, but they may find themselves completely at a loss when it comes to “doing” something about it.

“How can my husband and I love each other so much, yet have such a dull and unexciting sex life?” asked a friend who is herself a clinical psychologist. Did she discuss the problem with her husband, a gynaecologist, to whom she has been married for over 11 years?

“I seem to be able to talk to him about everything, but our sex life,” she said, at last. “I don’t know how to tell him what I need without seeming to criticise.”

Get the signals right

Women, of all educational levels and life experiences, voice similar sentiments. Most married people lack basic information about their spouses’ sexual preferences. Our own informal survey of 70 wives found a myriad of needs they wanted to share with their husbands. But, as one woman told us, “It is difficult to know how to begin.”

Communication on sexual issues is one of the hardest challenges faced by many couples. As we do not openly discuss sexual issues ever with our parents, we do not learn how to communicate in this matter. It doesn’t occur to us to develop these communication skills even though they are very important in our relationship. We have only learnt to be uncomfortable and embarrassed with the subject. Couples often engage in the sexual act blindly believing that they know what their spouse wants based on pornographic viewing, or reading. This invariably results in an unpleasant and awkward sexual act.

Couples really do need to ask questions such as, “What would you like me to do?” “Are you comfortable?” “Does this feel pleasurable?” “What can I do to make it better for you?” “Is there anything in particular that you enjoy more, or something you do not enjoy at all?” If you are uncomfortable asking such questions, then probably you are not at a point in the relationship where you should explore sex at all. You can ask your spouse to signal to you, by squeezing your arm to suggest if she wants anything in particular.

Refrain from presuming and pretending to know what she likes and wants, as she will figure out in no time that you actually do not know what pleasures her. To begin with, young women may not know what exactly they want during the early days of their sex life; however, they soon figure out what they really want and what they absolutely do not enjoy. They may participate in these activities mechanically thinking they “should” be enjoying what their spouse is doing. Men think that they are expected to know what to do and women expect them to know it all. However, the truth is that neither of them knows it all and communication is the only master key to explore it all.

As couple counsellors, it is our continuous endeavour to make couples talk to each other openly about everything that matters to them. It is the first major lesson we teach even to those who come to us for pre-marriage counselling. For everyone in a conjugal relationship, and at all the stages of their relationship, “communication” is the life-line.

Talk, it is vital

If you wish to revitalise your sexual relationship too, communication is critical. It is not the amount or quality of sexual relations that makes or breaks marriage, but rather the degree of “fit” between partners’ sexual needs and priorities. Such mutuality comes only with communication.

Try to define for yourself and your spouse what your complaints and pleasures are. Many people are uncomfortable and shy about making specific requests, but we emphasise that open talk and experimentation are vital! No one can automatically know what pleases another, without adequate feedback.

Love does not make one a mind reader, but instead love is trusting each other enough – to ask openly and answer honestly.

Researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson say something very insightful in this connection: “Love and physical desire wax and wane throughout a lifetime. This can not only be accepted but even enjoyed, if partners can communicate.”

Two cases in point

Deepak came home from work and found his wife Sunita dressed in a long skirt. She greeted him with an enthusiastic hug and announced that she was serving one of his favourite meals – and, that too by candlelight. Instead of complimenting Sunita, Deepak responded to her efforts with an angry frown.

When Linda remarked that she was tired and wanted to go to bed early, her husband Mark bade her goodnight and settled down to watch television. The next morning there was no sign that Linda had benefited from her extra sleep. On the contrary, she snapped at Mark because he had forgotten to put the toothpaste back in the cabinet.

What was wrong with Deepak and Linda? Their sex signals were mixed up. Deepak was receiving messages that weren’t being sent, and Linda was sending messages that weren’t being received.

Deepak assumed that Sunita’s elaborate dinner was part of a plan to entice him into making love to her. That made him angry for two reasons: he had put in a hectic day at the office, and was not in the mood for romance. He also disliked being “manipulated.” But, Deepak’s assumption was incorrect. The dinner was a thoughtful gesture, not an attempt at seduction. Sunita had noticed that Deepak had been looking “down.” She hoped a festive meal would cheer him up.

Linda, on the other hand, wanted to make love to her husband, and her pretext of going to bed early was designed to tell him so. But, Mark did not get the message. He thought Linda was really tired, and she ended up feeling hurt and angry.

It is not uncommon for couples to experience such breakdowns in their sexual communication system. Sex is an extremely sensitive and personal subject. Attitudes towards it vary, moods don’t always match, and egos are generally at stake. Thus, it is not surprising that even the most compatible couples are sometimes tuned to different frequencies.

Most couples express sexual wishes with hints, code words and symbolic acts. There is nothing wrong with this. But, husbands and wives who use such signals should be aware of how easily they can be misread, misinterpreted, or simply missed. It is better to choose signals that can be clearly recognised as preludes to sexual activity – wearing particular nightwear, humming a special tune, talking about a previous romantic experience – anything that both partners will recognise and respect, but better still, is clear verbal expression.

It is strongly advised that husbands and wives do not conceal their desires out of fear of incurring a partner’s disapproval. Always take a chance. An invitation to make love is a compliment. Most partners will be flattered, and although they may not acquiesce to it on the spot, they will undoubtedly return the compliment before long.

People who can’t or won’t send out recognisable sex signals are no less a problem than those who can’t or won’t recognise clear messages when they are sent. In some cases, the lack of recognition is deliberate. A partner may prefer to ignore a signal rather than give a negative response. Or, s/he may be upset about something else, and the missed cue is a way of venting wrath, a passive aggressive act.

Can sex survive, let alone flourish, in a long-term relationship? We are pleased to report that the answer is a definite “Yes!” For no matter how long two people have been together, they can still get better and better at connecting with each other, sharing intimacy, making plans, talking about feelings and fantasies and learning how to play and touch.

Couples who never stop using their own intelligence, sense of humour and imagination to refresh their physical and emotional relationship, can have an enriching and meaningful sex life for a long, long time.

Four “Cs” of Communication

As a part of training in communication we emphasise four essential qualities [four “Cs”] that one needs to bear in mind. Communication needs to be Clear, Caring, Complete, and Continuous.

Clear. It is only Clear communication that conveys correct messages. Hints and gestures should be complemented with adequate verbal expression of your feelings.

Caring. Communicate, because you care for yourself, the other and for the relationship. Crass remarks, derision, taunts, abuses and sarcasm are uncaring and toxic to any relationship. They do not communicate, but instead end all possibilities of communication and communion.

Complete. Incomplete communication is as good as no communication, or miscommunication. It is only Complete communication that helps. Abandoning communication half-way due to frustration, shyness or other reservations, is detrimental to a relationship.

Continuous. Communication should be a regular [on-going] feature in relationships, and not only occasional. Breakdown in communication lines should preferably never happen. If it happens, urgent efforts need to be made to re-establish communication lines as soon as possible.

Connecting Psychologically

The failure to “connect” psychologically is only one kind of sexual difficulty that can arise in an otherwise good marriage. Most couples find that their sexual encounters are influenced not only by how they feel about one another at the moment, but also by job pressures, financial worries, disruptive childaren, and above all, fatigue. Moving from a busy life into relaxed moments of intimacy often becomes extremely difficult, even for loving couples. Almost 50 per cent of wives report that the “inability to relax,” is a significant problem in their sex lives. While life-long inhibitions, fears and guilt may contribute to tension, it is also hard to adjust to instant intimacy when the bedroom door closes.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

6 Surprising Things I Learned While Working as a Phone Fantasy Girl in Manhattan

May 8, 2017January 22, 2024 by Kelley Lynnin Sex

The number one fantasy we did over and over again

Many years ago, while living in NYC as a struggling actor and comedian, I worked as a Phone Fantasy Girl; otherwise known as “phone sex operator.” I had just finished a 2-year run at Radio City Music Hall, working there as a Tour Guide, and I was in desperate need of a new job. One day, while hanging out with two male friends, one of them saw an ad in the paper for a Manhattan company looking for phone girls. He said to me with pride: “You NEED to do this! You have the sexiest voice!” My other friend agreed, and the two of them “dared me” to call the number and get an interview. Being the competitive type that I am, I took on their dare, and called the number. About a week later, I was hired.

When I walked into work that first day to their Manhattan offices in a professional, nice looking high-rise building, I was taken aback at how business-like the environment was. If you didn’t know what was going on there, you would think you had just entered into some fancy Wall Street office. There were cubicles and dividers and headsets, and training rooms and conference rooms and the like. The people that ran the company and the people who worked there as fantasy girls and other staff, were some of the nicest people I have ever met. They were just regular, everyday people, like me. Struggling actors, single moms, college students, wives, all ages, all races, all sorts of reasons for taking on a job such as this. And although there were male security employees, and a few male Supervisors and Managers, the company was largely run by women.

For those of us who didn’t want the people in our lives knowing that we worked there, (which was most of us), everything was kept very discreet. The name of the company was mysterious and vague-sounding, and most of us told people who asked, that we worked for a “marketing company”, or that we did “phone sales and telemarketing.” For the most part, even the many other companies that resided in the same building as us, had no idea that it was a phone fantasy place. While a handful of my close friends have known for ages that I had this job, most people in my life had no idea. Until today. (Sorry mom and dad! Surprise!) Today, I’m coming out of the closet, so that I can share just some of the fascinating things I learned while working in the phone fantasy world. Strap in, folks. It’s gonna be good!!!

PHONE SEX IS A LOT LIKE REAL LIFE:

As I started to work more and learn more about the business, it struck me as amusing how many similarities there were in the phone fantasy / customer relationship, to the real life female / male relationship. In the phone sex world, you get paid an hourly rate, which was somewhere around $10 an hour if I remember correctly. It was “base pay.” The rest of your money comes in the form of commission, and that is based on how long you can keep the customer on the call. The longer the call, the more money you make. Now, this is very difficult, because most of the men who are calling want to get off, and do it quickly. Half of them are close to being “there” when they call, and just need to be taken over the edge. So when a guy called up who was already in mid-masturbation mode, we were instructed to try and “small talk” with him. Imagine his frustration, when he is trying like hell to orgasm, and I’m delaying it by saying: “So, how about those Yankees? That was quite a game yesterday, right?” And he is on the other end panting and impatient: “WHAT ARE YOU WEARING???” So, its a lot like real life. When it comes to sex, men want to get off, but the women won’t stop yapping! It also struck me that the man is paying so that he can get off, and yet the woman is still trying to delay his pleasure, and talk more. Its just like real life, where the man takes a woman out for a nice dinner in hopes of taking her to bed, and in the end, he could end up listening to her life story, and going home alone with an empty wallet.

THERE IS A FETISH FOR EVERYTHING:

Did you know that some men get turned on by pretending to be a bug? As in, an insect? Yeah. I didn’t either, until I took this job, and a guy called me one day, telling me that his fantasy was for me to be driving my car and then put on the windshield wipers at full speed. He, an insect hanging out on my windshield, would then get squashed over and over and over, by the wipers. This would in fact, kill him, and when he was properly murdered by my windshield wipers, he would bust out into orgasm. This guy called me over and over, every single week, and wanted that exact same conversation each and every time. The call was only a couple of minutes long, and mainly consisted of me describing my windshield wipers going back and forth over his insect body, until his eventual death / orgasm.

What I learned very quickly, is that pretty much anything in the world can be made into someone’s fetish. Things that you would never in a million years imagine how or why that is sexual or could be a turn-on to someone – is! One customer who called me regularly, enjoyed listening to the sounds of me pretending that I was vomiting. He would make me describe different things I was eating, and then he would ask me if I was going to puke. “Yup, here I go!”, I would say, and begin to make ridiculous and obviously fake throwing up sounds. There was absolutely no sex in his fantasy.

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I Told My Boyfriend He Wasn’t Good At Cunnilingus, So He Watched Instructional Videos to Get Better

May 9, 2017January 22, 2024 by Julia Solomonin Sex

Little did I know, if I had mentioned it, guess what? He totally would.

Communication is important in relationships. We all know this. I probably overshare, a lot. But if you’re dating me, that comes with the territory, and you soon learn there is no such thing as over sharing because every thought I have needs to be said out loud or else I will cease to exist. It can be hard to have an open discussion with your partner about sex, especially if it’s to voice a complaint. I don’t even like calling it a complaint. An observation, let’s say. You don’t want to embarrass your partner or have them feel bad about themselves.

His Sex Conversation with Me

My boyfriend told me he didn’t think we were having sex enough. That wasn’t an easy conversation, but it was an important one. I felt bad and a little embarrassed. Was he going around feeling unfulfilled? I can’t make myself want to have sex more. To be fair, this wasn’t a complaint, but an observation. Well, maybe it was a complaint, but he was super nice about it, and it seemed like it was mostly out of concern that maybe I wasn’t sexually attracted to him, which is worrying, and not the case. That is completely understandable. This opened the floor for me to bring up something that had been on my mind as well.

You Could Do It Better

I kindly let him know, that maybe, he could be a little better at going down on me. It’s not always easy for me to come from actual intercourse, so that is something I need. I also let him know, that, you know, there are instructional videos out there, and…maybe he could look, and, hey… that could be fun. I didn’t completely tip toe around the subject but I also didn’t BS him. He voiced a concern, and now it was my turn. It’s an open dialogue.

I remember reading one of Jonathan Ames books in which he goes to a class to pick up some new tricks. I remember thinking “I wish my boyfriend would do that.” Little did I know, if I had mentioned it, guess what? He totally would. Well, not actually go to a class. That’s a pretty big ask. Watching YouTube videos in the privacy of his home? That was a little bit easier for him to wrap his head around.

Embarrassing but Game

I was honestly really surprised by his response. He was game. We both had a sense of humor about it, and he was happy I was honest, and seemed excited. He was up for the challenge. I felt so relieved. Yes, he was a little embarrassed, but tough. These conversations are not comfortable, but the results are worth it. If your partner cares more about pleasing you than a bruised ego, there is no reason why this wouldn’t help a relationship. It also helps to be a little subtle at first when bringing it up. Or, do you? You know the inner workings of your relationship better than anyone else. You know how you communicate with your partner, so trust that.

It’s Fun

Once we got over that initial awkwardness, it started to be fun. He got excited to try out new things he had learned. I was excited to let him go to town, you know, for educational purposes. He tried different methods, I gave him feedback. It was a learning experience for both of us. Things he hadn’t tried, I didn’t know about either. It made him more confident in the bedroom. Can you imagine if I had never brought this up? Turns out it’s much easier to figure stuff out if you just put it all out on the table. It brought us a lot closer, and, as it turns out, he’s quite a fast learner.

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The Best (and Worst!) Summer Sexcapades for 2017

May 17, 2017January 22, 2024 by RJ Newellin Sex, SEX TIPS

Are you curious about sex on a beach? Do you want to visit a nudist resort, take a tour of Amsterdam’s Red Light District, or join a kinky sex club? Summer is the perfect time to spice things up!

If you’re an adventurous type (and I’ll assume you are, since you’re reading LoveTV), here’s a summer ‘to-do’ list…with a few naughty no-nos thrown in.

Option 1: The Summer Sex Vacation

‘Wanderlust’ is a fun word, especially with sex involved. Here are some recommendations from travelers just like you!

Must See:

1. Amsterdam: Red Light District (AKA De Wallen)

“If you like art, go see the Mona Lisa. But if you like sex, then you’d better go to Amsterdam! The Red Light District is like the Louvre of love.” – Dave L., 34

There’s something for everyone in Amsterdam’s Red Light District. Here, live sex shows, peep shows, erotic museums and sex shops are just the beginning. So as long as you’re respectful [and totally willing], you can legally indulge in your wildest desires.

2. Treebones Resort: Big Sur, California

“If you love nature, Big Sur is one of the West Coasts’ sexiest places. I get turned on just looking at the scenery!” – Kenneth O., 38

“My girlfriend and I had a wild experience in an Outdoor Human Nest at Treebones…You want to be quiet, since you’re outside in the open, but doing it under the stars blew my mind.” – Miranda S., 22

Yes, you read that right – human nest. Treebones is a lesser-known but totally worthwhile romantic getaway. Whether you want to nest under the stars, enjoy a 5-star sleep in luxury a Yurt, or make love in a giant Cocoon Tent, look no further. Come for the view, stay for the sex. (Link)

3. The Queen Mary Hotel: Long Beach, California

“It was like making love on the Titanic. It doesn’t get better than that!” – Delilah B., 40

The Queen Mary is an iconic ocean liner from the golden age of sea travel. It’s even bigger than the Titanic, but don’t worry – it’s permanently moored at Long Beach. No sailing, no sinking, just sexy! Visit this floating hotel for lavish, antique accommodations and magnificent views of the harbor. But be warned – the ship is supposedly haunted, so you may not be the only ones going ‘bump’ in the night. (Link)

Proceed With Caution:

The Green Door: Las Vegas, Nevada

“We went there for my Bachelorette party and that was a huge mistake. I wasn’t prepared to see so many older men masturbating and watching people have sex. If you’re into orgies and solo viewing, the Green Door is for you. But I just ran home and hid in my bed. Sorry.” – Olivia G., 31

While it’s a wildly popular spot for sex tourists from around the world, The Green Door is not for everyone. Its orgy room, dungeon and infamous Sexagon are popular for swingers and voyeuristic singles, but visitors are often unprepared for just how much anything goes, here. You may love it, or you may hate it. Just make sure you know what you’re in for. Get that freak flag ready to fly! (Link)

Don’t Bother:

The Grand Canyon

“It was always on my bucket list to have sex at the Grand Canyon, but it’s actually super unpleasant. Don’t do it! The canyon is hot and dusty, there are scorpions and snakes to look out for, and honestly…the sex was beyond uncomfortable.” – Evan T., 24

Option 2: CHEAP, FREE AND DIRTY

Must See:

1. Camping Under the Stars

“Seriously, there’s nothing like sex in a forest, desert or mountain setting. It’s freeing in every way.” – Ryan J., 23

Can’t make it all the way to Big Sur? Pitch a tent in the closest national park, light a campfire (laws permitting), and release your inhibitions. There’s nothing like nature to set off your deepest animal instincts.

2. Nudist Resort (At Our Place or Yours?)

“If there’s a nudist community in your area, it’s often cheap to join or visit. But you’ll find that nudism has little to nothing to do with sex, so if you’re wanting to get freaky, try it at home.” – Joseph H., 56

Nudist resorts are wonderful places to get some R&R. But if you’re looking to turn it up a notch, I highly recommend starting your own nudist “resort” in the comfort of your own home. It can be just you and a partner, or invite some adventurous friends over for a naked barbeque. For groups, playing sexy roles (like Nude Bartender or Swinging Chef) can make for a fun night of play. And for the monogamous, married or cohabitating, here’s a hint: certain household chores are more fun when you’re naked. So whatever your fancy, try it nude!

3. Popsicle Party

“It was an especially hot day, so we stocked up on popsicles and ice cream treats and cooled ourselves off the fun way. I can’t believe we hadn’t thought of it sooner!” – Alice F., 30

Flavored ice cubes, fruity popsicles, sticky ice cream sundae treats – the possibilities are endless for a sensuous foodie on a hot summer’s day! There’s only one rule for ice cream play: no cones, spoons or bowls allowed.

Proceed at your own risk:

At the Movies

“We live in a super small town. It’s not uncommon for us to be the only ones watching a movie, especially on a weekday matinee. Having sex at the movies was the wildest thing we’ve ever done. But it’s super illegal, so make sure you’re alone and proceed at your own risk.” – Chelsey V., 19

Don’t Bother:

Sex on a Beach

“It’s not as fun as it sounds. I got sand in all the worst places.” – James R., 27

“A lifeguard saw us and we both got arrested. And the sand…not sexy at all.” – Issa M., 30

Backyard Playtime

“Unless you’re surrounded by hedges, don’t even try having sex in the yard. Even with maximum privacy, come on. People have drones now. Someone is going to report you, and the sex won’t even be worth it. – Pamela W., 41

“Even if you don’t get caught, is your backyard really that sexy? Let’s save you some time: the answer is no.” –Andrew L., 26

Bonus Option: Try Something New, and Tell Us About It!

At LoveTV, we’re always on the lookout for hot ideas. What’s your greatest summer sexcapade? We can’t wait to hear about it!

5 Surprising Benefits of “Friends with Benefits”

June 1, 2017January 22, 2024 by Kelley Lynnin Sex

If you’re not laughing and having fun together, then you’re not doing it right.

Summer time is just about here, and I have kicked up my dating activity a few notches or so. For the past year, I have been on a couple of dating sites, with mixed results. A lot of endless conversations that go nowhere, a LOT of first dates that don’t turn into second ones, a lot of guys who ‘just want something casual” (i.e., to sleep with me once, and then ignore me forever – no thank you), 2 short-lived relationships, and a couple of dates that turned into friendships. So, while ultimately, I am looking for the real thing – love – I am quickly finding out that this dating thing is a numbers game. It might take a long time for me to find “the one” who is out there for me. I used to be very impatient about that. Now, I am still a bit impatient, but I am trying to change my perspective and take this opportunity to meet a whole bunch of interesting (and sometimes not) new people. There has also been a lot of kissing, which I have no complaints about. So in the meantime of love coming along, I am taking a positive outlook, and just having fun.

One of these ways to “have fun” in this dating world, is to start a ‘friends with benefits” situation. Now, I’m pretty sure that everyone below age 90 knows what friends with benefits, or “FWB” is, but just in case you have been living under a rock for the past few decades, and there’s no Wi-Fi under that rock so you don’t have any internet access – “Friends With Benefits’ is the term for when two people who are friends, decide to start sleeping together. Now, hopefully you have figured out by now, that the “benefits”, is the wonderful sex that takes place between the two agreed upon parties. Now, I will not pretend that finding the perfect person to have a “FWB” situation with is easy. It’s not. It’s complicated. It is very easy to screw this up. A lot of factors have to be there, in order for this to work. First, you have to both be friends with one another, and also be attracted to each other. Also, you both have to be single at the same time. Most importantly, neither party can have stronger feelings for the other, because once sex gets involved, there is always the danger of falling in love with this person. So you have to be pretty confident that this person is someone you love as a friend, and respect, but that you won’t find yourself confusing intimacy with actual love. So, if all of these parameters are in place, and both parties agree that this is something they would like to do, it can be pretty damn enjoyable. And very satisfying.

My First Friends With Benefits Tryst

Recently, I was texting with a guy I had met a couple of months back on one of the dating sites. We had gone out on 2 or 3 dates together, and although there was definitely chemistry and attraction there, for reasons too boring to get into here, we ultimately decided that a long-term relationship probably wasn’t in the cards for us. So we decided to stay good friends, because we do like each other. And then one night, we started texting back and forth about our turn-ons, and just sort of being lightly flirty with each other. And then he said: “You know, it would probably be really good if we ever slept together.” And then I found myself saying: “I could go for that.” To which HE said excitedly: “Really???” To which I said: “Hell, yeah. Friends with benefits. I’m single right now. You’re single right now. Why not?’ And our FWB was born. A few days ago, we had our first ‘tryst’, when he picked me up and invited me to spend the afternoon at his home. We had a really great time, and plan on doing it again fairly soon. So, if you can find the right person for this, and it is tricky to do that, it can truly be a blissful thing. Here are 5 reasons why:

1-SAFETY AND MUTUAL RESPECT

Sure, one night stands can be hot, in theory. In reality though, having sex with a total stranger that you just met and don’t really know at all, is actually potential for something quite dangerous. You could be dealing with a stalker or a creep, or someone who might force you to do things you aren’t into doing, or just someone who doesn’t share the same turn-ons as you do. This is one of the great benefits of FWB. When you are friends with the person you are about to sleep with, you actually care, really care, about what turns them on, and what doesn’t. My friend and I spent the couple of weeks before our tryst, texting and calling each other to find out more about what the other likes. He flat out asked me: “Okay. So tell me everything that turns you off, so that I don’t do anything you don’t want to do.” We told each other: “This is what I like. This is what I don’t like.” (We found out that we both hate feet, which was humorous.) We started to build up the foreplay for weeks, sharing sexy images with each other through texts. It was lovely, and very arousing. So when it came time to get to the fun part, it was wonderful. Having sex with a friend is a great feeling, because the entire tone is always filled with respect, and you know and trust each other, and when you know this person would never bring harm to you, then you are willing to open up even more, and be more adventurous in bed. Which, for me, is something I could never do with a total stranger.

2- NO STRESSFUL RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS

This might be my favorite part of the FWB thing. Yes, being in a committed relationship is a wonderful, beautiful, and lovely thing. But there is something to be said for just having some intimacy, simply because it feels good and feels nice. And not having to feel guilty about that. It is pretty cool when you are comfortable enough with each other to get vulnerable and get naked, but you don’t have to think about ‘where your relationship is going” with this person, or how you can’t stand their mother and that will never change, or whatever else. FWB takes all the stressful parts that sometimes happen as a result of sleeping together, out of the equation. It’s a truly beautiful thing.

3-YOU ALREADY KNOW EACH OTHER’S “STUFF”

Friends have most likely, at some point, had long talks about each other’s pasts and insecurities and whatever else. In this case, my friend knows that it had been 7 months since I had slept with someone. He also knew that I am not in good shape and overweight, and that I feel extremely self-conscious about him (or anyone) seeing me naked. He also knows that I have been through a sexual trauma, and so there are certain things in the intimacy department, that are ‘triggers” for me, and bring me right back to that night. So he knew to stay away from those things, because it would not be a fun experience for me. Because we are friends, we had discussed all of this leading up to our afternoon delight, and it made a huge difference. I also knew things about him, which I won’t say here in order to protect his privacy. By knowing these important things about one another, it made the sex so much more carefree and open. We were both able to fully relax into it, and into the knowledge that we had each other’s backs.

4- You Can Discuss PRE-GAME

When getting ready to have sex with someone you don’t know well, (one night stand situation or just casual sex with a date) you are probably much too nervous and anxious to include laughter as part of the equation. And when you are being intimate with someone you are in love with and in a relationship with, sometimes that can turn into a lot of intensity that makes the sex feel very heavy and serious. And that is great. But there is something to be said for sex that is just really FUN. The kind of sex where you are turned on and being silly, at the same time. Where you can laugh easily, and just generally be at ease throughout the event. Our tryst this past weekend, and everything leading up to it, was very much this way. A few days before our intimacy, I started to get really nervous. So I decided to just tell him that. I sent a text saying: “I’m really nervous.” He asked me why, and I said “because its been awhile, and also I don’t feel comfortable naked. I don’t feel sexy or attractive right now.” He assured me that he would do whatever it took to make me feel wanted and sexy, and that he would do whatever I needed to help me relax. So that morning, I sent him a text, which was basically a list of what I required in order to feel relaxed and less self-conscious. First, I didn’t want to be naked and show all my fat and stomach rolls, so he suggested that I go in his bathroom once we get to his house, and change into whatever makes me comfortable. I decided on a long thin button down black sweater, and undies. Next, I told him to please put the air-conditioner on in his bedroom, because I didn’t want to be sweating profusely while being intimate. That is NOT sexy. Then, I asked him to please pull down the shades and make the room as dark as he could. Lastly, I wanted a shot or two of whiskey before we began. Our text exchanges when coming up with all of this, was beyond hilarious. He adhered to all of my demands, while also making funny as hell comments in the process. “I have a liquor cabinet, and I’ll make you whatever drink you like, but I have to say no woman has ever required downing shots before bedding me.” When we walked into his bedroom, he shivered and said: “Jesus, it’s freezing in here!” Then he made comments asking me if it was dark enough for me, and that if he made it any darker, we wouldn’t be able to see what the hell we are doing. I couldn’t stop laughing, and this set the tone for the afternoon, which was equal parts very hot, and also extremely fun. And because he was kind enough and patient enough to put up with my weird requests, which I thanked him for multiple times, I WAS very relaxed, and I had such a great time. I joked with him about how hilarious it is, the things a man will do, in the pursuit of getting laid. “You ain’t kidding’, he laughed back. Personally, I think sex should be a ton of fun. If you’re not laughing and having fun together, then you’re not doing it right.

5- AFTERWARDS, A DINNER DATE

So after being in bed all afternoon, and having multiple orgasms, courtesy of my awesome friend, he turned to me and said: “I’m starving. I’m taking you out for dinner.” Who is a fat girl to argue with a nice dinner? So, he chose a really nice steakhouse, and off we went. He ordered prime rib, and I had one of the best Rib-eye steaks I have ever eaten in my life. Salads, dessert, wine, champagne, and wonderful, post-bliss conversation. I got to enjoy myself for an entire day, with someone I respect and truly like, and I didn’t have to feel like I had sacrificed any integrity or self-respect to do it. In fact, it felt good. It felt well-deserved. It felt great. We were proud of ourselves, and we were happy. The best part of great sex with a great friend, is this: We held our glasses in the air, and we made a toast. “Cheers. To us. To feeling awesome. And to a successful afternoon. We had a good day.”

I can’t wait to do it again.

Next time, I might even let him keep the lights on.

And I’m definitely ordering lobster.

5 Natural or Holistic Ways to Increase Your Libido and Work Your Way Back Into Love

April 27, 2018January 22, 2024 by Nikki Yeagerin Sex, SEX TIPS

These all-natural tips can help you reignite the fire in your bedroom by tackling the common causes of libido loss.

At six weeks after the birth of my child my doctor gave me the green light for sex. Six months after that I still found myself creating excuses to avoid the bedroom. As a new mother, I was completely drained of mental and emotional resources, with nothing left to give my partner at the end of the day.

However, even after I regained some semblance of my normal sleep schedule and my life returned to what I considered normal, one thing never returned: my libido.

It turns out, I’m not alone. While my experience was related to the birth of a child, most people experience regular ups and downs when it comes to sexual desire. A loss of libido will happen to most people at least once throughout their lives.

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Here are some natural ways you can handle it:

1. Rose Essential Oil:

Rose oil is said to be incredibly calming and can help reduce anxiety levels which may be contributing to your lack of sex drive.

Throughout the history of aromatherapy, roses have shown up as an aphrodisiac. In fact, in ancient Roman times, men would sprinkle these flower petals on the beds of new brides to prepare them for their wedding nights.

However, rose is more expensive than other essential oils. To use this remedy without breaking the bank, buy a small bottle of a pre-made essential oil blend including it. Dab this mixture on the inside of your wrists and/or the backs of your ears before a date or before getting in bed.

2. Reflexology:

A good foot rub can be excellent foreplay. It can also help regulate hormone levels that may be wreaking havoc on your sex drive.

According to some holistic practitioners, pressing specific points on the feet may help stimulate the hypothalamus, pituitary gland and ovaries, all of which contribute to the hormonal aspect of desire.

To find the correct points, make an appointment with a local reflexologist who can give you and your partner a quick lesson on which parts of the foot correspond to which body systems. For those who prefer a more DIY approach, a quick internet search should do the trick.

3. Meditation:

Two major reasons for loss of libido are distraction and stress, both of which are in high supply in modern American life.

The good news is that meditation may help focus your thoughts on the present and alleviate anxiety.

To start, find five to fifteen minutes in a day when you can sit in a comfortable, quiet space. Noise cancelling headphones or relaxing meditation soundtracks are a good option for those in loud environments. As you’re sitting, breath in and out deeply and slowly, focusing on each breathe.

A mantra can also be helpful. For example, say something that makes you feel empowered and confident like, “I am beautiful” or “I love myself.” Repeat the mantra as you exhale.

Once you feel relaxed and focused, spend time paying attention to your body. Mentally check in with each part of yourself starting from your head, moving to your toes. Examine what hurts and what feels good. This can help you reconnect with your physical self, despite any changes that may occur from weight change, pregnancy, or exercise.

After meditation, many people find themselves calm and focused, which is a good time to ask your partner if he or she would like to play.

4. Exercise:

As a long-time runner, I know just how important exercise is for mental and emotional health. After all, endorphin output increases when your heart rate does. These feel-good hormones can help increase sex drive and, according to Mayo Clinic, decrease symptoms of depression (which can include a loss of libido).

If you think depression may be the reason for your decreased sex drive, check in with your doctor right away.

In the meantime, you can start integrating tiny workouts into your daily routine no matter how busy you are. For example, I didn’t have time to run after becoming a new mom so I started walking up the stairs to my apartment rather than taking an elevator.

Instead of bouncing my little one to calm him down, I did squats while holding him. Thankfully, YouTube has dozens of 15 minute workouts so even the most time-crunched people can squeeze in a fitness session. My favorites include any short session from the free Fitness Blender series.

5. African Waist Beads:

From a less scientific perspective, body jewelry and lingerie can help you feel good about yourself, just like exercise. African waist beads are one alternative to traditional lingerie that may help women feel sexy. For >$15 – $20 a set, these are also much more affordable than a fancy neglige.

These beaded strings are worn around the waist and some sets have clay or porous beads that allow wearers to add scents – like rose essential oil – to increase appeal. In some cultures, these are used to signal when a woman is fertile or turned on. She might don her beads when she’s trying to attract her partner or gently rattle them to signal that she’s “in the mood”.

These might also help increase the drive of her partner as he or she learns to associate the sound or sight of the beads with arousal, turning it into a Pavlov’s dogs situation, but for sex instead of food.

I found these incredibly helpful as I didn’t always have the confidence to tell my partner when I was ready to romp around. Instead, I could use these beads as a signal, while also feeling sexy.

No matter which of these methods works for you, communication with your partner is always a top priority when it comes to sex and desire. Share your feelings and needs as they continue to change so both sides feel satisfied and included in the conversation.

Notes From My Final Bachelorette

March 15, 2019January 22, 2024 by Virginia Jonesin Sex, SEX TIPS

How We Prepared Emma For The Adventure Of Marriage

Meeting The Crew

My baby sister Emma is getting married, and we meet up in New Orleans to celebrate. Her bachelorettes are a combination of big-city career women and her high-school friends, and of course her two sisters, who have already been married and divorced, but are trying to maintain a good attitude. We’ve got single people, people in long term relationships, and lots of married women. Lots of advice, lots of perspectives.

Joni got married early and dotes on her two adorable kidlets. She doesn’t always know about internet slang, memes, who’s president, or other minor trivia. She’s a busy lady.

Amanda is a corporate woman, also with two small kids, who has just relocated to the midwest with her family.

Sadie, our other sister, is divorced with a kid. She’s looking for Mr. Right and has been frustrated with the men she meets on dating sites.

I’m divorced, childless, and happy about it. I disliked being married and won’t seek it again.

Asha is desperately beautiful, partnered, and a doctor. She’s seriously intimidating.

Marie is European, never married, and sometimes seems a touch naive.

“It’s not going to be one of those embarrassing Bachelorettes” we say to one another.

“We’re not going to have penis necklaces and straws. We are sophisticated people. We went to college. We like art. We’re not going to be basic.”

When we say it, we mean it.

My sister is getting married to a lovely man. I’m very happy for her. Men she has dated before have been toxic or distant. This man is loving, handy, and seems to take real pleasure in making projects for her. He is kind and smart and I am so excited to have him in my family.

The Adventure Begins

We start the first day with a fancy breakfast and doting waitstaff. We are offered $24 bottomless mimosas, but we giggle and stick to tea. My sister is wearing all white and a veil, which she assures us she will be wearing all weekend.

Marie points out that in Europe, the bachelorette party is called a Hen Night. Because so many of us are married and divorced, I identify more with Hen Night than Bachelorette, just busty busybody chickens clucking around. Joni asks if the bachelors have a Cock Night. This is very funny of Joni until I realize she didn’t mean it to be. Marie says no, in Europe the men have Stag Night, and then, I guess, a chicken and a buck get married.

We break for after-brunch drinks. We explain to Joni that sometimes people pee on each other in bed, and that eggplants are emoji for penises. Sadie is swiping idly through her Tinder matches, explaining that her only demands are that the applicants have hair and don’t demand NSA hookups. We explain to Joni what NSA hookups are. Marie wants to stop on the pictures with taut, hairless abs, but I tell her that if a guy leads with his abs, he’ll show them to everyone. I want to swipe right on a cute artist named Will but Sadie stops me. “He doesn’t have a job and he doesn’t have a kid. I know that right now.” She dismisses him. I keep trying to tell her that, as we move into our fourth decade on earth, she might have to be flexible on hair. “Nothing doing”, Sadie says. “I’m not matching with a bald POS like my ex-husband.” She tells us that, hilariously, he blamed her for his hair loss. “Look”, he said, “I wasn’t balding when we met.” I laugh, but I’m also sad.

We have a day of bachelorette adventure. We drink terrible drinks. We dance to jazz bands. Our bride is congratulated, over and over. We beam with pride. We drink. We take a ghost tour. We drink. We see a psychic, and drink.

We compare our psychic readings. Asha has been told she’s very lustful, and not apologetic about it. She agrees 100%. She enjoys sex, and resents how her mother talked to her about sex, that it was something men always wanted and that women never wanted, but which had to occasionally be tolerated. She has a healthy sex drive but spent most of her young adulthood feeling ashamed.

Sadie was told that, after a terrible marriage and some disappointing dating, she is still too angry to successfully partner with a new person, that she is a teflon pan on which no-one can find purchase.

Emma’s reading is exciting and rosy, about her new role as wife and her new life.

My reading is mostly about career and goals, but at one moment the psychic cocks her head and asks, and you’re seeing someone? And I say yes, and she says, and it’s good, and I agree, it is. It may seem like faint praise, but it is good, and I’m grateful.

Yelling At Clowns

The second morning, we head to the famous Cafe Du Monde for coffee and beignets. A colorfully dressed clown crows when he sees my sister’s veil and he starts making her a penis crown out of balloons. It is almost pornographic in its detail. This is not his first penis crown. We refuse it. “This,” I tell him, “is not that kind of bachelorette. We are not interested in being covered in penises.” He spreads his hands and pretends to be offended. “And besides,” I continue playfully, “all penises are pretty much the same. They don’t matter.” The clown angrily starts listing types of penises. “They can be big! Small! Curved! Straight!” We are grateful to be seated and get away from the clown yelling about penises.

I think we try to simplify down to penises because love itself is so scary and full of unknowns. People can change, their goals and life veer away from each other, they can fall in love with other people or just out of love with each other, so we like to simplify it. Penises it is. I get up to go to the bathroom and when I get back, my sister is wearing a penis crown. It has been given to her by a stranger. As we eat our beignets, we explain to Joni the concept of polyamory. “Is that”, she asks, “legal?” We assure her that it is. What she’s thinking of is polygamy. If you don’t marry everyone, we tell her, you can sleep with as many people as you want. She smiles and shakes her head.

SAME PENIS FOREVER

That afternoon, we have a lingerie shower. Suddenly, there are penis straws and a penis pinata and a sign that reads “SAME PENIS FOREVER.” Where did all the penises come from? No-one knows.

My sister opens all her fancy underwear and we laugh and clap.

I ask the room for marriage advice for Emma.

Joni offers, “always give him a blowie on his birthday.” I raise my eyebrows at the idea of an annual blowjob.

Asha protests. “What if”, she asks, “ you really like giving them?”

Joni blushes and says, “Oh, I guess you could do more! Just- not less.”

I tell Emma that you should always support each other. You should always try to give them the best of your time and attention. This, because it is not about sex, is boring the room. I also give them my Dad’s advice to me, which was never to do a chore that you don’t want to do for the rest of your life. On some level, your spouse is a roommate that you hope will never move out.

Sadie says that although Emma has been distracted by the wedding, that’s just a fun party. The thing to concentrate on is the marriage, that’s the long term project that will shape her life and her partner’s life. Emma nods and smiles but doesn’t really seem to take it in. Sadie and I laugh together because this is the best advice she got on her wedding day, but didn’t recognize until years later. Weddings are a lot of noise and dresses and expense, maybe to distract you from the profundity of sealing your life to another person.

Amanda offers that you should marry your best friend. This is simple but profound. We all nod. Beauty fades and they lose their hair, but when you really like each other, you’ll get through the hard parts.

“There is no long relationship”, I say, “Without hard work. Everyone has to work. The idea that your relationship will be good without work is the biggest lie of all.” Joni agrees and says, “it’s weird, all the movies end with the couple getting married and nobody wants to talk about what happens after that, which is the rest of your life.” “That’s true”, interjects Sadie- “if a couple is married at the beginning of the movie, they’ll either split up and get back together, or split up and meet other people, or one of them is going to get kidnapped or die. There is nothing interesting to Hollywood about a successful marriage.” After all of our deep thoughts on partnership, we’re ready to go out.

By the end of the second day, I am wearing a themed bachelorette t-shirt, a sash, and a light-up twinkly flower crown. I now understand how dogs feel when we dress them up for Halloween.

We are walking up and down Frenchman street, being congratulated by fellow celebrants. I get away from my sisters for a moment and rejoin them in a bar moments later.

“Where”, my sister asks, “is your crown?”
“I don’t know”, I tell them, but I do know. It’s in the trash can outside.

We go sing karaoke, taking over a small room. We sing all the songs about what we want from marriage, “Respect” by Aretha Franklin, “I Will Always Love You” sung by Whitney Houston, and Joni sings “Goodbye, Earl” by the Dixie Chicks, about friends getting together to murder an abusive husband. I am not sure this is what we want for wedding wishes, but that’s what we’ve got. We go to a late night dance party hosted by one of the parade Krewes and have a great time before heading back to the hotel, picking our way through the streets strewn with beads and beer cups.

The last morning of the trip, I spend some quiet time with Sadie. We talk about what we’ve learned from our marriages, and how we wish we could give Emma everything we know. We love her and we love her intended, and that has to be enough. We separate, hugging and crying, to see each other in our matching gowns in a month.