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My Dating and Relationship History Plays like a Spotify List

July 19, 2018January 22, 2024 by Kate Oczypokin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Sometimes, my dating and relationships history reads like a Spotify playlist.

From Mariah Carey’s “Butterfly” in seventh grade to Bruno Mars’ “Just the Way You Are” and everything in between, songs in my life have the power to transport me to romantic memories both good and bad. Music has such a nostalgic quality in our lives that I set out to examine it when it comes to love.

Here is my journey of songs that mean a lot to me.

“Butterfly” by Mariah Carey

Remember in The Notebook when all it took was the memory of the piano for Allie to have just a glimpse of the past? There are hints that music can help dementia patients remember, as this article states. For most of us with healthy brains, the article quotes a professor of neurology saying that music is a “very, very vivid way of reanimating memories.”

Cue 20 years ago, during a seventh grade dance. Before fast Internet and iPhones, junior high dances were the place to be. I had gotten all dolled up in my best butterfly clips and Lane Bryant jeans and brightly colored shirt and hoped my crush would dance with me. Miraculously, later that night he approached me during a song I could only identify as Mariah Carey’s voice. After having to ask the DJ the name of the song, I figured out it was called “Butterfly.”

Needless to say, I spent the rest of junior high completely obsessed with butterflies. I wouldn’t let my parents tear down the ugly ‘70s butterfly print wallpaper in my room from the old owners in our house. I was drawn to every t-shirt that had butterflies on it. My first email address was butterflygrl11@hotmail.com. I was so obsessed with the memories of a song that I tried to hold onto it as much as I could.

The following year, I found out that my crush had just asked me to be nice—he really didn’t have any interest in me. I was devastated back then, but now I always look back on those “butterfly years” fondly.

“Let it Be” by The Beatles

This one still has a bit of mixed emotions as far as memories. I was visiting an ex-boyfriend in Chicago one summer and after a night at the Navy Pier, he asked if I wanted to head back to his apartment to watch fireworks. He was in a gorgeous rental that his parents had found for him with floor to ceiling windows. I of course agreed, imagining the spectacular view of the pier from his window.

We tore off our sweaty clothes, still damp from the humid July air. As I snuggled into his bed in my underwear, he asked if I wanted some music on. I said sure, why not? We were listening to The Beatles when all of the sudden the sky just lit up in beautiful color. Listening to “Let it Be” that night while the fireworks exploded from the pier in front of us was absolute perfection. Everytime I hear that song I think of this moment, then later, another moment comes to life.

That same boyfriend had just broken up with me. I was working at a Starbucks near Capitol Hill in between covering events for my old job. “Let it Be” came on their radio and I remember tears just coming and coming. I was unhappy that I was newly single on top of being stressed about the uncertainty of whether or not I’d have my job in the next six months.

This song contradicts a finding in a BBC article that its often pop music that brings back memories from times in our lives. While The Beatles are arguably pop, they were purposefully put on by someone, making it more of what the article calls a “reminiscence bump.” Classic hits take us back to our teens and 20s, especially important times in our lives. This makes sense, given I was 26 at the time.

“Forever” by Chris Brown

Chris Brown’s personal life aside, I’ve loved the song ever since The Office parodied the original viral video in their Jim and Pam wedding episode. While this song doesn’t evoke any romantic dating or relationships stories, it always makes me recall when my two best friends and I would get together to watch The Office on Thursday nights.

Sometimes my boyfriend and their girlfriends would join us, or we’d extend the group to other friends. More often than not, it was just the three of us. It was a time in my life I felt protected and loved by two very good friends. There was no drama, it was just the three of us, 20-somethings about to conquer the world. Oh and side note—I also still really miss The Office.

“Just the Way You Are” by Bruno Mars

This is one of my more recent musical memories. My current boyfriend and I had just celebrated our first anniversary and we were at the wedding of two of my best friends. It was a magnificently romantic night at one of Washington, D.C.’s most splendid buildings. We were out on the dance floor, him doing what I like to call “the white man’s overbite” (thanks When Harry Met Sally!) and me laughing with friends. When Bruno Mars’ “Just the Way You Are” came on, we both looked at each other as couples started pairing off. We found each other and started slow dancing. I remember hanging on every word Bruno sang that night and as we were forehead to forehead, I secretly hoped that our wedding would be next.

Moving Forward

It looks like recalling memories through music won’t be a phenomenon that’s going away anytime soon. In June 2018, the Grammy Museum announced they would award $200,000 in grants to 14 recipients in the U.S. and Canada for research and support on topics like how neural integration through music helps long-term memory.

What are some of your favorite songs from your past?

Want to read more on music and love? Check out this piece about the benefits music has on sex.

Handling Living in between Two Places in a Relationship

July 26, 2018January 22, 2024 by ElisaShoenbergerin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Who Stays Where, When, and Why

I was at the stage of a relationship where I was spending most of my time at my boyfriend’s apartment. We had been dating for almost three years and it happened naturally. I simply found myself spending more and more time at his place.

There were obvious reasons why it happened. There was the issue of space and privacy. I shared an apartment with three roommates while my boyfriend lived with his dog in his own place.

And there was the issue of location. I was in the middle of my evening MBA program while working full time. The commute to my neighborhood was not ideal. Things got dicier at night. I only took the train in the early morning due to the number of shootings that occurred near it at other times of the day. Leaving class at 9pm meant a very long bus ride or taking the train and then transferring to the bus. Coming home was stressful and exhausting. His place was easier to get to from school; it was simply a shorter bus ride into a neighborhood that had fewer problems.

But these reasons weren’t consciously on mind. We were simply getting used to another’s company on a day to day basis. We liked being around one another, even first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

Decisions Around A Drawer of My Own

While our relationship was going in good places, the stress of living between two places was rising. I had to be strategic about the clothing I was going to wear, the books I would need, and even the food I ate. I constantly had to think ahead: what was I going to need for the next few days? It was a 20-30 minute drive from his place to mine, not to mention the parking situation.

I began perpetually carrying around a blue bag that contained a few pairs of clothing for the week and my phone charger. I remember how nervous I was about asking to keep a toothbrush and comb and having my own drawer for clothing. But these were the practicalities of our living situation. Clean teeth, tamed hair (sorta) and not wearing clothes twice in a row to work have real impacts on your mental and physical health.

However, some of these caused their own issues. Having a drawer of clothing meant that I had to find a way to clean that clothing. No one does my laundry for me! Therefore, there was sometimes a lot of carrying of dirty clothes around town.

On the textbook side, I had a lot of online textbooks which made it easier as long as I had my iPad. However, I did have to be conscious of where my computer was just in case I had to write papers.

Food was a real bee in my bonnet. Buying a gallon of milk became foolish. I would use a tiny portion of it in my morning tea. I tried to convince my roommates to use it so at least the milk wouldn’t spoil but they didn’t use it enough. I started only buying food and drink on an as-needed basis, very French, I suppose. The boyfriend would stock things I liked to eat in the fridge, which helped extensively.

Negotiating Roommates Feelings

I interviewed several other women about their experiences in this liminal stage of their relationships.

In an interview with Samantha (not her real name), she told me, “I actually pretty much lived over at his place for 2ish years… and I didn’t mind that both my places were kinda like closets. My first roommate was kinda annoyed by it, but my second roommate didn’t really care.” For her, she explained, “the hardest part to navigate was making sure to spend time with my…roommate so she wouldn’t feel alone.” I asked how she tried to handle the situation and she told me, “I tried to make sure at least once a week that we had spent quality time together…I wish I had been better at balancing my roommate’s needs and that crazy falling in love phase. I am sad we kinda grew apart.”

Samantha also mentioned her concerns about his roommates and their view of her. She said, “I wish I has also been less of a scaredy cat when it came to his roommates. I was always scared they didn’t like me and I didn’t feel comfortable whenever they were home. I wasted a lot of mental energy over nothing.”

Making Decisions for Financial Reasons

Brenda had a more cautionary tale. Sometimes the in-between stage is necessary to figure out oneself and your relationship with your significant other. Brenda moved in with her ex-boyfriend after four months for financial reasons. I asked her about the mechanics of her situation and she told me, “He would drive me to school in the morning (we lived about 15 minutes from us) and I would shower and grab more clothing there. We mainly hung out during the evening. Food wise, we were fast food people. I would buy groceries and then they would spoil them because I was never home. I saved a ton of money on toilet paper, that’s for sure.”

I asked her what she wished she had done differently. She explained that she wished she hadn’t moved in with him for financial reasons. Her advice to folks in a similar situation was ““(H)ave a handle of their [situation] before moving in with someone that quickly. It definitely impacted our relationship and it made me feel like trash. He was a good guy though, but it definitely took a toll on us.” While living in between is a cause of stress, moving in too early or without resolving issues might cause different stresses.

Moving In For Keeps

Like everything with relationships, negotiating this in-between stage is tricky and dependent on the dynamics of the relationship. Dealing with practicalities of daily life, feelings of roommates and financial decisions are important in the success of relationships.

For me, I had a happy ending. After about a year, my then boyfriend, now husband, asked me to move in permanently. It was a godsend. One it meant that he felt strongly about our relationship. And two, I wouldn’t have to carry around dirty clothing anymore.

The 4 Essential Photos You NEED on your Dating Apps

August 8, 2018January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

The Fab Four Of Online Dating Pics: Know Them. Love Them. Use Them.

In all my years of dating and coaching, I’ve developed many rules that have helped clients (and myself) sail the tumultuous waters of the online dating world. There’s one rule, however, that I believe so wholeheartedly and never deviate from (and has always found the highest success when in use). The rule? That you only need FOUR photos on any online dating platform or app. Just four. No More, no less. This holy quad showcases exactly who you are and shows the most important facets of you. Like many parts of dating, too much or too little can often hurt your case. But four pics? Four pics are just enough! So what are they? I lovingly call them: the Showstopper, The Wedding Party, The Politician and Dr. Interesting.

The Showstopper

This is the photo of you looking amazing, closely cropped (but not too close- mid-section to face preferred, nobody needs to see any pores) to showcase that beautiful mug of yours. This photo should be CURRENT, have you looking like yourself, in good lighting and if not smiling, at least seeming playful, mysterious or sexy. And if we’re being honest (as I hope we are!) this photo really does do most of the heavy lifting, and should be the photo of you that people see first. This can definitely be a selfie so you have control…but try to make it a subtle selfie. Nothing filtered, softened, duckface-y, blurry, or obviously taken from your friend’s futon. Actors, beware: while you’re made up and looking good in a headshot, NONE OF YOUR DATING APP PHOTOS SHOULD BE HEADSHOTS. Mmmkay? Thanks byeeee.

The Wedding Party

Another incredible asset that not many people use is the wedding photo! In these photos, you’re often looking great, all dressed up, having fun and being your badass self. And the best part? They are usually taken by someone who knows what they’re doing (aka a professional photographer!). That means that the angles are good, the lighting is on point and the photographer is super aware of what the subject is doing/how they’re looking. Often, this is the photo I say to use to showcase your body (a body shot- crucial!) but it isn’t necessary. Just don’t use a wedding photo that remotely suggest that YOU are getting married…as one might guess, that will backfire. Don’t have a wedding photo? A picture at a party with friends works, too!

The Politician

This is the photo that says, “hey, I have pals and people like me! See?” It can and often is your “body shot” to show people what your whole bod looks like. The Politician is the photo with a couple close pals, having brunch, hanging with your niece, etc.” Men generally have these photos but fall into a common mistake- having ALL politicians, Politician photo as Showstopper or having The Politician photo with too many people in it. While we want to know you’re social and fun, we also don’t want to have to pick you out of a lineup of 30. Keep it to 15 people or less, please; preferably just a few people who are the same attractiveness level, so as not to take attention away from you. Animal photos will also work for the Politician slot (an animal-friendly person is in my mind, just as good as a people-friendly one).

Dr. Interesting

So you’ve got a great close up, a fun flattering wedding photo and a photo with pals. Now, you need that niche photo: that photo showcasing something you love to do, a place you love to be, preferably performing an activity that is distinctly you! For example, if you like rock climbing, it could be you at a climbing gym or on a summit (also a very flattering body shot). Or, if you love to cook, how about a picture of you doing your thing in the kitchen, smiling ear-to-ear? Ideally, it’ll be easy to get these photos because you’ll actually be doing these things on the reg. Just don’t mislead with your Dr. Interesting: don’t put a hiking pic in if you hate to hike (and no matter how good your hair looks). As a note: Dr. Interesting can often be combined with others or be a form of the other photos. For example: if you are a nurse and you have a photo of yourself and two nurse friends, it does double duty!

Now get to snapping- and dating, people!

How I Came To Peace With My Jealousy Of Others Relationships

August 9, 2018January 22, 2024 by Becca Martinin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Jealousy is never a good look and it’s all I wore.

Jealousy over others relationships is a feeling I used to be far too familiar with. I’ve been single for about 6 or 7 years now and I just found out this morning the last guy I dated is actually getting married next weekend.

I’ve dated on and off for years, gone after men who were no good for me too many times to count. I found myself with men who were emotionally unavailable far too often, who kept slipping the words “my ex” into conversations while we laid in bed. I’d stay with them though because I didn’t want to be alone. I’d stay even if I knew I wasn’t the only one they were spending their time with because I wanted to pretend I had what everyone else had – someone who cared about me.

It was no secret they didn’t care about me. I knew these guys didn’t care about me and I knew that they were just filling the time until the next person came along. I knew it was only a matter of time before things would fizzle out and I’d be left swiping on Tinder again, if I even stopped in the first place. That doesn’t mean I didn’t care about them, it doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt when it ended and it sure as hell doesn’t mean getting over them was easy while trying to move on to someone new.

I’d look at other people’s relationships and feel insecure about love and myself. Feelings of jealousy, insecurity and fear would flood my mind. I’d constantly question why I wasn’t good enough or why no one loved me. I felt I wasn’t good enough to make someone want to stay. I would get so wrapped up and worried because I’ve been single for so long and I didn’t see any sign of that changing.

It made me hate myself, which is what started the self-crippling cycle of dating shitty men. The only thing I could feel was self-pity in a world of perfect Instagram relationships. It seemed like half of my friends were getting engaged, married, buying houses, having children, traveling together – everything that I wanted that I wasn’t experiencing.

Everything became negative in my life. My mindset became toxic. All I’d talk about is how I’m alone, my self-deprecating humor became exhausted and I wasn’t fun to hang out with. I’d become attached to guys too quickly who didn’t care about me. I’d change who I was to try to be who I thought they wanted me to be. I felt too big, too much, too out of place, like I didn’t belong anywhere with anyone. Everything about me was wrong, so I needed to change it. Jealousy is never a good look and it’s all I wore.

I wanted to have someone to talk about, someone to make me seem like my life isn’t so empty and that’s what I tried to do for so long. I tried to make something out of nothing. I tried to convince someone to stay but I eventually learned beginning someone to stay is only prolonging their leaving.

I was venting to my friend about how everything was terrible, how I stopped hearing from another guy, how I didn’t understand why this kept happening and it pushed her to her breaking point with me.

“Shut the fuck up.” She said, without a hint of reservation or remorse. And in that moment I knew I needed to change.

So I did, and here’s how…

I realized I was the toxic person in my life and started working with a life coach. I was bringing everyone else down with my terrible attitude on life and men. Instead of silently suffering from my choices I was choosing to drag everyone else down with me, which is absolutely not fair. I started talking to a life coach (if anyone needs any recommendations, I have the BEST one) and we really worked on adjusting my mindset about myself and dating. She made me aware of tendencies I had, like that I’d fall for men I probably wouldn’t like otherwise when I had sex with them before really knowing them. Having someone unbiased to work through things like this can be very rewarding.
I accepted being single. I knew I wasn’t going to find the right person by putting all that negativity out into the world. I was looking for someone to fill my void, someone to post a photo with on Instagram and show off to the world. I wanted to stop feeling jealous of all my friends and their relationships. I cared more about not being alone than I did about being happy, and that’s where I went wrong. Dating those men made me feel like I was even more alone than I would have felt if I just accepted where I was at and being alone. I changed my mindset to accept that being single isn’t a bad thing and I made a conscious decision to just start having fun. I started dating with no expectations. I started going into dates with the idea that maybe I won’t like them and that’s okay. I don’t have to like everyone and everyone doesn’t have to like me, and that’s absolutely fine! Once I adjusted my mindset everything felt lighter and easier.
I accepted that I did deserve love. I told myself I did deserve love, that I was enough the way I am, I learned to love my body and learned to love myself. Every day isn’t easy, it’s a process I continue to work on. I stopped changing myself and once I started accepting who I am I realized I could be happy for others instead of feeling overwhelmed with jealousy from lacking what others had.

Transitioning out of this mindset and changing my toxic behaviors wasn’t easy. For months I struggled with finding myself falling back into old habits but each month I saw progress. Slowly but surely I stopped dating assholes and started dating men who would treat me the way I knew I deserved deep down, which led me to my current boyfriend who is an absolute angel.

Recommended next story: 10 Ways to Keep Your Self-Esteem High While Dating

8 Ways To Stop Letting Your Insecurities In Relationships Outweigh The Good

August 21, 2018January 22, 2024 by Becca Martinin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

How to stop letting your doubts ruin your relationships.

I do this thing where I bring old relationships, fears, insecurities and past traumas into current relationships which I should absolutely not do – no one should. My boyfriend is nothing like guys I’ve dated in the past yet I still become fearful of the same things.

My current relationship is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in yet I find myself having worries that he will just decide to up and leave one day because I’m used to being left or having things not work out. I tend to be a lot, it’s no secret, I want constant attention and can be needy, and that scares me because I know that can easily be a turn-off. I fear that there are times when I am too much even when he assures that I am not. It’s a personal insecurity that no one has ever said to me but one I’ve built up in my mind.

I begin defining myself by the bad instead of the good. I look at the areas I lack instead of the areas that I thrive. I don’t see all the good I do for him, only the bad. It’s what sticks in my mind.

Seeing the bad is an insecurity of mine and there are times I let it consume me. I think this tends to be a common theme in life – to let the bad outweigh the good. We easily forget about the good and hang on to the bad things that happen.

You can easily forget that your partner loves you if they miss an important event in your life because you’re so focused on the sad emotion you’re feeling (which is valid).

It can also be easy to blame them and feel unloved when they fall short of uncommunicated expectations. We can hang on to these bad and negative emotions and bring them up long after the exact situation has been resolved because the negative feelings outlast the good.

The same goes for friendships. If your friends promised she’d go to dinner with you on Tuesday at 7 and texted you at 6 and said she wasn’t feeling it anymore you’d be disappointed. You’d harbor that disappointment and in the future, you will be wary of making plans with her and having her cancel.

We harbor the bad, in ourselves and in our relationships. We often see where others fall short and hang on to that because we tell ourselves that we wouldn’t do that.

There are some ways that I’ve found helpful to stop defining yourself and your relationships by the bad instead of the good.

Start writing down the moments that make you happy. Maybe your boyfriend surprised you with flowers. Maybe your friend paid for your coffee. Maybe a stranger complimented you. Everything that made you feel good is something that you should write down and look back when you don’t feel loved and you’re feeling insecure. Those specific instances will remind you just how much love you have in your life.
Don’t self-sabotage relationships. I was dating a guy once who lived in a different town than I did. I was going on a camping trip that he couldn’t come to because of work and stopped to see him on my way and planned to stop on my way back through his town. I was extremely hurt and disappointed because I texted him that Sunday morning and said I was excited to see him in a few hours. He replied back that he couldn’t hang out anymore because he got called into work. I was pissed, very sad and hurt that he didn’t text me to let me know he got called in before I texted him. I was being short with him, as you do when you’re petty, and my friend looked at me and told me not to self-sabotage this relationship because maybe he just got called in and forgot to text me. At the time I couldn’t see that all I could see was that he didn’t text me to let me know and I was upset I wouldn’t get to see him. Don’t let your emotions or doubts ruin things for you. Give people the benefit of the doubt.
Don’t get in your own head. Like I said above, I feel needy and too much in relationships but no one has ever actually said that to me. It’s a way I’ve labeled myself. My boyfriend often asks me why I say those things and I reply that I’m not actually sure, it just feels that way. It could have been something he never noticed but now there’s a chance he could associate me that way. It’s a good habit to get in to break the negative thoughts associated with yourself. We tend to be our own worst critics.
Express gratitude. It sounds so simple but it’s often forgotten. It can be easier to complain and start to take the people in our life for granted. Gratitude helps us recognize the good in people and appreciate their actions. If your partner cooked you dinner and that is something they rarely do let them know you’re thankful, even if it’s not good and you could have done it better. Don’t make them feel bad because you wouldn’t like if roles were reversed.
Work on yourself and your happiness. Happiness starts with you. Of course, your emotions are often swayed by others but it has to start within. Find what works for you to find peace inside and practice self-love. For me, it was working with a life coach. It’s something I’ve done for over a year and throughout the year I’ve tremendously changed my mindset and become happier. I had to put in work and work on adjusting my mindset but it’s made worlds of difference.
Realize you do deserve good things and love. I think part of the reason I still am fearful of my boyfriend leaving is that I’ve never felt good enough because nothing else has worked out for the past six years. I’ve felt like I must be unloveable so I had a difficult time accepting that he’s here because he loves me for me and wants to be here. You deserve good love, as do I. The biggest struggle is actually believing that but you should because it’s true.
Accept that you can’t be everything for your partner and acknowledge why you shouldn’t try to be. I have a lot of friends who try to be everything for their partner – their golf partner, their hiking partner, their caretaker, their best friend, their personal chef, their accountant, and so on. You can’t be everything for your partner and you shouldn’t try to be. You should let them have their own outlets that don’t involve you. You have to realize this doesn’t mean they don’t love you or appreciate what you do for them but they also need other outlets. You should not be everything to them and they should not be everything to you. No one should be your everything, it’s not healthy.
Learn to appreciate the stability and OK moments of life. Part of life is learning to be okay with moments that are boring. Things at the beginning of relationships are all butterflies and fun. When those things wear off and it becomes more real I think it’s important to focus on the long-lasting connection. Don’t think that just because those tingles are gone that they’re not your soulmate, it’s important to accept those boring moments are more so about being content with each other.

Check out this related article: How I Came to Peace With My Jealousy of Others’ Relationships

7 Life Lessons I Learned About Men From My Two Best Friends

September 1, 2018January 22, 2024 by Kate Oczypokin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Some of my greatest life lessons about men I’ve learned from two of my greatest friends.

From tough love to being emotional to not caring about what other people think, I spent my 20s figuring out who I was and learning a lot about the opposite sex, all because of the great relationships I forged with my two best friends, who happened to be male.

Here are just a few of the many things I’ve learned about men from my two wonderful friends.

1. Tough Love

I grew up with three sisters, so I know the art of tactful criticism. While they helped me decide what outfits looked best (or chuckled as I went out of the house in atrocious getups), it was my two best male friends who really got me out of my comfort zone to try new things. While women are encouraging and plenty do provide such “tough” love I write about, with men it was a blunt sense of me facing my fears and a simple yes or no if I was going to conquer something.

I’ll never forget when we were all just a few years out of college. One of my friends and I met for burgers at a local place we enjoyed when we were in school. Afterwards, we walked up into the parking lot and he got into the passenger seat of the car. I questioned what he was doing and he said “drive around the parking lot and then I’ll take you home.” He knew that I had never really learned how to drive when I was 16 and was always too scared. He knew I had my permit and had never bothered to keep trying for my license.

A year or so later, my other friend offered to give me driving lessons. I was so scared one evening to drive on some main roads back to my apartment but my friend refused to do it. He said I had to try at least once. He even played Miley Cyrus’s “The Climb” to make me laugh and feel more at ease.

If it wasn’t for these two pushing me to do something I was terrified of, I would’ve never gotten my license (at 27, but still!).

2. Men can be deeply emotional.

There are so many stereotypes out there that men aren’t emotional creatures. There are countless shows and movies where men don’t share their feelings and instead just feel like sitting in front of the television and would rather “watch the game” instead.

I learned that is definitely not true. In the simplest of moments, men can be very emotional. On the way to get frozen yogurt years ago, one of my friends picked me up and told me to check his glove compartment; he wanted to get my opinion on something. I opened it up carefully and saw a ring box. He was so excited about asking his girlfriend to marry him that he relayed what he was going to do and wanted to show me how the ring looked. It was beautiful (and so was the proposal!) and five years later they are still deeply in love.

My other friend also had quiet moments of emotion, whether it was calling me in tears when his grandfather had passed, or being on the phone with me for hours in college and just out of school, talking about everything from relationships, our thoughts on the opposite sex, adoption, our families and more.

3. Men don’t care what other people think.

I spent my 20s constantly worried about what others thought about me. I wanted to be like the women I saw in magazines and would constantly compare myself to others. More often than not, when my friends would comment that they thought another woman was attractive, I would start obsessively wondering what made her attractive and how I could emulate that. My thought process was “they’re men, they like that, that’s what men want.”

It wasn’t until they finally blurted out “we like you for who you are!” (more than once) that I woke up. They told me part of what made them like me was that I was true to myself and my own person. I realized I shouldn’t change for what I think is a standard of attractiveness. After all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right?

4. Men can be more weary of men than women are.

Any date I went on, I knew I could count on my two BFFs to have my back. Whether questioning why a guy I was with wouldn’t get too close (he turned out to be gay) or warning me not to get too close because “guys can be stupid,” I knew I could rely on them to help me navigate my love life.

One particular example was when I met a guy at a Christmas party and later got drinks with him after the holidays. It was late, after a work event, and the guy walked me back to my apartment. He tried to go farther than I wanted so I ultimately ended up sending him away and he ghosted me. When he left that night, I remember checking my phone and seeing lots of missed calls and text messages. The two were wondering if I was okay because I hadn’t texted or called. When I filled them in, they both were relieved and said they knew he seemed a little shady. Leave it to my guys to be a better judge of male character than I was that night!

5. Sometimes men just need to be by themselves.

This lesson has helped me immensely in my current relationship. As a young woman, I frequently craved social interaction. I wanted to over-analyze everything and chat about nothing. At first, I would get upset when my friends would say they needed time to be by themselves. I would be frustrated and upset if they would cave on plans and instead I’d find out they went somewhere by themselves.

My one friend nicknamed some of his solo outings “solo creeps.” He explained that they helped him clear his head and just get out and away from people for a bit. He would come back refreshed and happier. I began to understand and now have adopted the outing a bit for myself—I often see movies alone or go out for breakfast by myself.

6. Men care more about how they look than you think.

Before I became so close to my friends, I spent my teenage years thinking like Cher Horowitz in Clueless, that men don’t care about how they dress. This is indeed not true—I can’t tell you how many conversations I had about different articles of clothing, a certain haircut they had and more with my guy friends.

7. Men don’t sweat the small stuff.

This was a huge one in my 20s. I remember getting a horrible haircut and being so upset, I swore I’d wear my hair in a ponytail for weeks—it was already bad enough my head was too big to wear a hat. I took my hair down from my ponytail and my friends both agreed they couldn’t tell a single difference in my appearance. My mouth dropped in disbelief.

Sometimes when little things would go wrong in our plans, I would get so upset. The easy, breezy air my friends had made me realize that little things are really not worth worrying about.

Now I remember back to those days whenever little things start getting under my skin. By not sweating the small stuff, I’m ultimately a lot happier.

Want to read more on relationships? Check out this piece about not letting your insecurities get the best of you.

Wedding Planning Woes: Questioning Traditions that Separate the Bride and Groom

September 6, 2018January 22, 2024 by Jillian Pretzelin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

I was on a mission to make our wedding more modern, more inclusive, more about “us.”

When I got engaged, I started planning my wedding right away.

Before I knew it, I was waist-deep in Pinterest boards, bridal magazines, and cake samples—and loving it. There was just one problem: in all my planning, I realized that there were a lot of wedding traditions that I didn’t like. Or, at least, didn’t connect with.

Of course, I knew that some wedding traditions are old-fashioned (looking at you bride-wears-virginal-white), but I was prepared for that.

What I wasn’t prepared for was how many traditions separated the bride and groom.

Between the separate bachelor/bachelorette parties, ladies-only wedding dress shopping excursions, and even the tradition of not seeing each other the day of the wedding, I felt like my fiancé and I were being pushed away from each other. Which, call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure is the opposite of what’s supposed to happen with a wedding.

Between a bridal shower, bachelorette party, and more, I would spend a lot of time with my mom and my friends, but I really wanted my future husband to be there too. It was our wedding and I wanted to share every experience leading up to it with him.

In my frustration and (moderate) case of wedding planning mania, I did some Googling. I wanted to find out where these separation traditions came from in the first place. As it turns out, back when most of these practices started, it was common for couples to only know each other for a short period of time before getting married, if they’d even met at all.

So, It makes sense that the couple would spend more time with their friends and family than they would with each other (after all- they likely knew their friends better than their future spouse).

But these days, people date for a long time. My husband and I were together for nearly a decade before we got engaged, so when it came to wedding plans and pre-wedding parties we decided to do things a little differently.

Here are some of the things we did to put a twist on wedding traditions, making our wedding more modern and more about us.

1. Shopping for the dress together.

I know that it’s supposed to be bad luck to see the bride’s dress before the wedding, but I was willing to take that risk.

I wanted my husband to help me dress shop because I knew he’d be good at it. He’s always been pretty stylish and he has a good eye for what looks good (and bad) on me.

Plus, I didn’t want to (potentially) spend thousands of dollars on a dress without at least getting his opinion on it. If seeing the dress before the wedding was bad luck, spending lots of money on an outfit the groom hated had to be even worse.

We ended up going to a few different shops and, while I felt like dress shopping took a long time, having my fiancé there made it so much fun. Shopping for a dress can be stressful and it was nice to be able to talk to my future husband about it, look at pictures together, and get his opinion on different styles. I wanted the wedding to be about both of us, and both of our tastes, and I was happy my dress was included in that.

I know you might be thinking that maybe some grooms won’t care that much about what their brides wear, or that they won’t be able to pick up on subtle differences between dresses (to be fair- I was useless when trying to help my husband pick out a suit). But at the end of the day I loved having the experience of shopping together and it made me feel even more confident with my dress.

2. Throwing a duel wedding shower.

When it came time for my bridal shower, I had decided that I wanted a more traditional shower- just me and all our closest female friends and relatives. But lots of couples think it’s even better to do it together. And I think they’re on to something.

While I had a more traditional bridal shower, my husband and I also threw a duel engagement party. Right after we got engaged, we invited our closest family and friends over for drinks and appetizers to kick off our marriage celebration. It was a great way for our families to get to know each other, and it felt good to have a casual pre-wedding celebration we could enjoy together.

3. Choosing decor and decorations as a team.

Maybe it’s not necessarily a written tradition, but after seeing a lot of friends get married, I realized that a lot of times the bride plans the bulk of the wedding and makes almost all the style decisions. I thought that sounded unfair: I didn’t want to plan a whole wedding by myself and I also didn’t want to leave my fiancé’s style out of our big day.

In the end, we found that we were able to do almost everything together.

We went on every venue tour together, we looked on Pinterest for flower ideas together, and even picked out wedding favors together (we decided on cookies- they were delicious). In the end, it was a great way to practice making decisions as a couple and we got to spend some quality time together looking forward to our big day.

4. A combined bachelor/bachelorette party.

The idea of a “last fling before the ring” or “last night of freedom” seemed so unnatural to me. My husband and I have never been big party-goers, but when we do go out, we’re always together. We liked the idea of going out with our friends for a “girl’s night” or “guy’s night” but we decided that this particular party was in celebration of our wedding, and we wanted to be together.

In the end, the two of us, plus all the bridesmaids and groomsmen, rented a house for a weekend-long pool party—and had a ton of fun. It was a great way to let the bridal party get to know each other before the wedding and it was a chance for my future husband and I to spend some relaxing quality time together before getting back to wedding planning.

5. Walking down the aisle together.

There’s nothing quite like those pictures of the groom getting teary eyed as he watches his bride come down the aisle… but I found that walking down the aisle together is just as special.

I always hated the idea of being walked down the aisle and being “given away.” It just wasn’t something I was comfortable with—so I decided early on that I didn’t want to have a parent walk with me. To make matters worse, I can get pretty bad stage fright and didn’t love the idea of walking down the aisle alone (with everyone looking at me).

In the end, my fiancé and I decided that we should walk down the aisle together. We felt that it symbolized our togetherness and support for one another, and we liked that it was a little different from the tradition. As an added bonus, I loved having a quiet moment alone with my soon-to-be husband outside the venue, peeking in at everyone in their seats, before we walked in.

6. Writing your ceremony together.

Just because others use those classic vows doesn’t mean you have to. In fact, it could feel even more special if you write your own together.

Of course, some religious ceremonies will have a set script, but when you can personalize your ceremony, I say do it. When we were getting ready for our ceremony, our officiant sent us a few different ceremony scripts to choose, combine, and change as we pleased. My fiancé and I sat down at the computer one night and cut and paste together an original ceremony that we thought fit us.

We loved how personal our ceremony was and, on top of that, we had fun working on them together.

7. Spending the wedding day together.

It’s tradition to have the bride and groom in separate rooms before the wedding, but it’s your special day, and you deserve to enjoy it together.

You might want to have breakfast together, get ready together, or just set aside a good amount of time for pictures before the ceremony. My husband and I loved taking pictures before our wedding because it gave us some time to enjoy each other’s company before our guests arrived. Seeing each other helped us both stay calm before the ceremony and we were so thankful for the extra time together on our wedding day.

Time goes by so quickly during the ceremony, and before you know it, the reception is over. That time of excitement spent together before the ceremony might just end up being what you cherish most.

There are so many wedding traditions… but that doesn’t mean you have to follow every one of them. You’ll find that the best wedding memories are the ones you and your spouse share together, so don’t be afraid to put a twist on tradition and make your wedding your own.

I Went on a Date Every Day of the Week. Here’s What I Learned.

September 21, 2018January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

7 Dates in 7 Days? I’m older, wiser (and exhausted).

Monday was Dr. Corey from Bumble. Tuesday was Grant, a setup from a fellow comedian. Wednesday was Kevin, a super hot Tinder dude from Chicago. Thursday was Chris, another Tinder guy who worked in Marketing. Friday was writer James AND creative director Logan, a Bumble & Bumble. Saturday was Sean, a guy I met at a local bar. Sunday, I rested. JK! Sunday was a coffee date with a producer. I work for YOU!

So, in the spirit of sex, romance and everything in-between, here are seven things I’ve learned about people (especially myself) after going on seven dates in seven nights (and sometimes more). You’re welcome!

Drinking Dates Are Great (But Be Careful)

According to doctors and any non-alcoholic, I drank way too much last week. Way too much. And no, it was not healthy. I’m a big fan of the happy hour date (cheap, and I love a cocktail to ease any awkwardness) but if you’re going to date a ton, stagger those date activities! I’m a gal who can definitely handle her booze, and even I was negotiating what I’ll lovingly call “Pinot Fatigue” by Thursday.

Be Aware Of Repeating Yourself (Or Forgetting What You Said)

There’s so much backstory and chat built into a date- when you meet, when you text, the lead up, the conversation after- if you’re going on a bunch of dates all at once or just one every once in a while, review your text chain before you meet up to make sure you know exactly what they know about you, and what you know about them. Believe me, it can be embarrassing when you say, “So, what was it like growing up in Jersey?” When they’re from the Bay Area. Cool move, Rebecca. Cool move.

Be Thorough About Hygiene

I know you’d do that anyway, but when you’re meeting a bunch of new people in such little time, you’ll want to be hyper-vigilant about this. Depending on who you are, you probably wear makeup, or product, or something when you go on a date. Well, if you’re going on one date a day, you’re going to be doing a lot of prepping, making up, eyelining, cologne-ing, etc. So it’s really, really important to shower regularly and make sure you get ALL the makeup off upon the conclusion of your evening. Nobody likes to show up to a date with the person looking raggedy AF. Am I right?

The Blowout Is Your Friend

That being said, one distinct hair style for dates will cut your anxiety-laden prep time in half! I’d suggest a blowout or a flattering go-to ‘do to have in your back pocket (mine was wavy, my hair’s natural texture, with a cute, high ponytail) so it’s one element of the date you just don’t have to think about or roll the dice with. There are lots of decisions to be made on dates- place, time, how many drinks, what to wear, if you should drive…your hairstyle doesn’t have to be one of them!

Dating Is Expensive (Even With Gender Norms In Place)

I’m definitely a pay-my-way kind of gal, and while most of the men I went on dates with paid, there was definitely a financial cost to this “experiment.” Drinks, some of the time, of course. And food after you got a little too drunk (cough cough, Bumble & Bumble Friday, cough cough), and gas if you’re driving across town or worse, taking Lyft, Uber or a Taxi. There’s also data charges on calls if a date is really into texting (though admittedly that was less of a concern than my 3 am Taco Bell run). So if you’re going to date and not go full diva by demanding the other person pays or always drives your neck of the woods, prepare to take a hit to the ‘ol Wells Fargo.

The Cream Will Rise To The Top

When you’re dating a bunch of people, it’s really, really easy to compare conversation, humor, behavior, attractiveness and kindness. You’ll know right away which people are worthy of a second date much better if you’re dating a LOT, and if they’re proactive enough to keep the momentum going. Keep inventory of this! Don’t second guess your gut. You have many options when you’re going on seven dates in a week or some such crazy dating binge (who would do that? An insane person!). In this case more than others, you should never feel desperate. Ever. People are everywhere and you, my friend, are a queen!

People Love Questions

If the date is going super well or becoming a trainwreck (that was hyperbolic, I mean, if it’s REALLY going that badly, just leave!), a quick way to not feel horrifically awkward is ask questions. Turns out, people love this, it always keeps the convo going and it will take you from treading water conversationally to back into the game. It’s a no-fail way to seem desirable, social and in control. Sexy qualities, grasshopper!

Arranged Marriages and Problem Solving: Is TV’s ‘Married at First Sight’ on to Something?

September 28, 2018January 22, 2024 by Jillian Pretzelin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

It might seem like just another reality show… but Married at First Sight brings up important points about love and relationships.

Recently I’ve been obsessed with Lifetime’s hit Married at First Sight, now in its 7th season. In this reality show, relationship experts match three sets of strangers who have agreed to meet (and marry) their future spouse at the altar. The show follows the first months of their marriages, and in the final episode, the couples decide if they want to stay married or get a divorce.

At first, the show’s concept sounded absurd to me.

It used to be that reality shows were about answering quiz questions or eating worms… not getting married. Sure, there were relationship shows— but signing up to play The Dating Game or going on NEXT was one thing. Getting legally married on TV? To a stranger? That’s another.

But after watching a few episodes, I started to think that maybe these couples aren’t so crazy after all. It occured to me that maybe this show was on to something. Here are the top four relationship lessons I learned from Married at First Sight:

1. Looks (really) aren’t everything

Over the years, I’ve watched a lot of single friends swipe left on potential matches because, “her hair is weird” or because, “I don’t like his nose.”

With all these dating apps where the picture pops up first, it’s almost too easy to make decisions based on appearance. But Married at First Sight proves that looks aren’t always a good indication of a good match.

Season 1 star Jamie didn’t like her husband when they first met. She wasn’t attracted to him physically and, on day one, considered giving up on her marriage. But it’s lucky she didn’t, because today, they’re one of the show’s greatest success stories. Jamie and Doug are one of the few couples from the show who are still married, and now they have a baby girl.

Meanwhile, Season 2 stars Davina and Sean were immediately attracted to each other when they met at their wedding—but things went bad quickly. They fought about where to live and ended up barely seeing each other over the course of the show. Their passion fizzled out and it was no surprise when they got a divorce.

Whether this changes the way you Tinder (or not) it’s definitely something to think about. It’s funny to think that if Jamie had first seen her now-husband Doug on a dating app, she would have swiped left and that would have been the end of it. But if Davina and Sean had seen each other on an app they probably would have been a match.

It’s proof that looks can be deceiving.

2. It doesn’t always matter how long you’ve been together

When it comes down to it, the show is simply about arranged marriages, a tradition that was very popular for many generations and is still practiced today. While a match maker can’t always guarantee marital bliss, there were (and are) many loving, life-long, arranged marriages.

But even if you’re not up for the whole arranged marriage thing, there’s a lot to be learned by watching these Married at First Sight couples because, as it turns out, their relationships aren’t that much different from many other new marriages.

They still have to worry about finances, their living situation, and family planning. They also set goals together and they enjoy their honeymoon phase… just like any other married couple. Of course, these TV spouses have the added challenge of not knowing each other well, and that can add a lot of stress, but a lot of their issues, problems, and even their joys are similar to ones any newly married couple would have.

When I started watching Married at First Sight, I thought I would have nothing in common with these people who were marrying strangers… after all, my husband and I were together for nearly ten years before we got married. But as it turns out, I definitely saw similarities.

When Ashley and Anthony from Season 5 were decorating their new place together with mementos from their wedding, it reminded me of the fun my husband and I had putting up wedding pictures. When Mia and Tristan from Season 7 first considered moving for Tristan’s work, it reminded me of how hard it was for my husband and I to decide to move.

Like anyone trying to make a life together, these new couples practice communicating, try to account for each others’ needs, and even learn how to best show affection. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter how long a couple has been dating, marriage will always carry new challenges, new perks, and plenty of changes.

3. In a relationship, and especially a marriage, it’s important to not give up too fast

Throughout the show, every couple hits roadblocks. They fight about where they’ll live and how many kids they want. They argue about families and chores and careers—all typical things for couples to clash on at one point or another—but that doesn’t make it any easier. Like many couples who are faced with one of their first big disagreements, they sometimes talk about calling it quits.

Of course, these Married at First Sight couples can’t do that so easily. They’re married (and, I suppose, have a TV contract) so they can’t simply walk out of each other’s lives. But in typical new relationships, a lot of people decide to do just that.

Shawniece and Jephte from Season 6 had some issues early on, mainly about Jephte not opening up. Shawniece would get frustrated and start saying that she couldn’t be in a relationship with Jephte if he didn’t change. There would be a lot of tension, like they were about to break up, but after a talk, or a counselling session with one of the show’s relationship experts, the problem would be solved and everything would be fine.

The problem, which had seemed like grounds for divorce at the time, ended up being nothing. In fact, a lot of times those fights ended up being an opportunity to bond and get to know each other better.

It’s important to remember that sometimes small arguments can seem like a big deal, but that doesn’t mean you’re incompatible or you can’t build a relationship. Shawniece and Jephte ended up staying together after the show ended, and now have a baby on the way.

4. Know when to not waste your time

While Shawniece and Jephte made it work, that doesn’t mean that sticking with a relationship is always the right choice. Some couples are simply not meant to be together, sometimes people change, and often breakups and divorces are the best option.

Season 6 couple Molly and Jonathan had a difficult time from the beginning. Molly didn’t feel comfortable getting physical, they had explosive fights, and it seemed like they never got along. So, it was no surprise when they decided to get divorced before the show ended.

They knew that the marriage wasn’t going to work and they didn’t want to waste their time. They came to the season finale to talk about their decision and left on good terms.

While there is value in not giving up on a relationship, of maximizing the best parts of your chemistry and not dwelling on your challenges, there is a point where a couple has to acknowledge when they’re simply not compatible.

While you may want to put all your energy and time into a relationship to try to make it work, sometimes you shouldn’t. And that’s okay.

These Married at First Sight stars took a big risk when they agreed to marry a stranger, and while most of us would never agree to get married at first sight, we can still learn something from these couples. Their relationships show viewers how to get passed differences, how to find and create love, and how to create a life together. Not every relationship is built to last, but some are worth fighting for, and I think, in the end, that’s all that really matters.

Why Young Hollywood is Getting Engaged and Married Super Early…Should You?

October 11, 2018January 22, 2024 by Kate Oczypokin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

You’ve seen the headlines—Pete and Ariana, Justin and Haley—young Hollywood seem to be getting engaged and married earlier than ever.

As someone who is most likely going to marry later in life, I was intrigued by the trend of young Hollywood starting to engage and marry young. It worked decades ago, will it work now? Here is an examination of young Hollywood and everything you’ll want to know about marrying young.

Here is an examination of young Hollywood and everything you’ll want to know about marrying young.

Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande

The Saturday Night Live star, 24, and singer had a quick courtship and within weeks were engaged. Davidson told Variety that he never planned to get married. He also never thought he’d meet anyone like Grande, calling her the “coolest, hottest, nicest person” he’s ever met. Davidson constantly gushes about how lucky he is to be engaged to Grande (most recently he appeared on the season premiere of SNL talking about it).

Grande, 25, has seemed just as equally smitten with Davidson. She named a song after him on her newest album Sweetener. She also admitted on an episode of The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon that she had a big crush on Davidson from the time she first met him while hosting SNL. She even joked to a manager that she would “marry him” one day.

Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin

The “Baby” singer, 24, and Baldwin, a model, married in mid September 2018 after almost a decade of being on-again, off-again. The two first met back in 2009 at The Today Show and were introduced by Baldwin’s dad Stephen. Baldwin, 24, and Bieber stayed in touch and by 2014, the two were denying that they were dating.

By January 2016, the two became “Insta” official. Throughout the next few years, Bieber and Baldwin went quiet, around the time he reignited his relationship with Selena Gomez. Finally, in May 2018 they became friendly again and four months later, they wed.

Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner and Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra

While Joe was 28 when he asked Turner to marry him. Turner, however, was just 21. The two became “official” in January 2017 when Turner Instagrammed a photo of Jonas holding a cigar on a boat in Miami.

News of the relationship came out officially in June 2017 when it was reported Joe was “taking the relationship very seriously.”

Joe’s brother Nick, 26, took the opposite route and asked the 10-years-his-senior actress Priyanka Chopra. Despite having four years left until he hits 30, Nick is known in his age group as mature.

Why might they be getting engaged and married young?

Think of it this way—many of us wait nowadays to marry in order to establish ourselves in our careers and earn money. Celebrities like Justin Bieber and the Jonas brothers may be engaged and married because they’ve found their success already at such a young age. They managed to make millions before even being eligible to vote or drive.

This article from E News said it best: famous people in their early 20s sort of grow up in reverse. While they were busy earning money we were teenagers with our first cell phones, watching the beginnings of reality TV.

If you’re worried about whether or not you’re settling down later in life, don’t fret. These celebrities never had their teenage years like we did. They grew up in the spotlight where every little move they made was scrutinized. We were allowed to mess up, date and become our own people with a sense of anonymity.

In fact, we are all actually in the majority. According to a Pew Research Center study, the median age of a first marriage in the country has risen to 27 and 29 for women and men. Four decades ago the ages were 20 and 23, respectively.

For celebs who crave traditionality, getting engaged and married may be one of the few “normal” things they do in their lives.

Is marrying young right for you?

If your significant other and you are young and thinking about getting married, it’s important to think about a few things before you take the plunge. To give you a bit of hope, a research study by the National Institutes of Health said that the ages of 22 to 25 is the alleged sweet spot to get married (so perhaps there’s hope for young Hollywood!).

Wanting kids is another reason for marrying young. Just think, you’re younger and most likely healthier and more energetic, making it easier to run after little ones.

While marrying young is often a controversial topic, it’s crucial to think not only about age when you decide to get engaged. Your partner should share similar values as you, be able to tell you everything and vice versa, respect you and make you strive to be the best version of yourself. After all, age really is just a number, right?

Fall Is the Best Time to Find Someone

October 19, 2018January 22, 2024 by Terri-Jane Dowin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Is cuffing season backed up by science?

According to Urban Dictionary, “Cuffing Season” is the time of year when people are more likely to look for relationships they can settle down into than looking for casual dating scenarios. As the weather turns cooler, staying cosy with someone is a more attractive option, with the added bonus of having someone to take to Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year parties. Running from November until Valentine’s Day (when the cuffing becomes official, or when the weather warms up enough to start venturing out on dates again), we looked at whether this trend had any factual basis, and it turns out that actually… it does. Don’t worry, Cuffing Season doesn’t technically start for a week, so you’ve still got a bit of time to brush up on your science and get some potentials lined up.

Autumnal Aphrodisiacs

We all know that oysters and chocolate act as aphrodisiacs, but we’re well out of oyster season and a way off from Valentine’s Day, so what should we be looking out for in the meantime? Fall means that pumpkins are plentiful, and Jack O’Lantern is an oft overlooked aphrodisiac. Pumpkins are full of antioxidants, and their seeds are packed with zinc and magnesium. Together, those are great for raising testosterone, boosting blood flow, and upping libido. As well as pumpkin carving being a great date idea, the scent of pumpkin pie caused the highest levels of arousal in both male and female participants of a study by Chicago’s Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation. Cinnamon also rated pretty highly, so autumnal scents really topped the test. Bring on Pumpkin Spiced everything!

Rare Flesh

With autumn comes the addition of what feels like an extra layer of clothing every day, but humans might actually be programmed to find each other more attractive as we get more covered up. Researchers discovered that a lack of skin on show in winter made women more alluring to men. Responding to stimuli, the male participants of a trial were more turned on in winter than they were in the summer. It may sound surprising, but those results suggest that the gents in question had become overstimulated to seeing bared bodies just three months earlier. The rumour that everyone looks better in a sweater actually has some truth to it, it would seem. We’re also of the opinion that more men grow beards in the cooler months (to keep their faces warm, we assume), and, like a sweater, every man looks better with a beard.

Don’t be SAD

The nights drawing in are one of the worst parts of the changing seasons. With lower light levels through the day, and darker mornings and evenings, levels of Seasonal Affective Disorder are on the rise. SAD symptoms can be alleviated with special light lamps, or a Vitamin D supplement, but research has also found that physical touch can also provide a massive boost to our wellbeing. As infants, touch is the first of our senses to develop, and science suggests that people who are touch-deprived are more likely to suffer with depressive episodes. Skin to skin contact is vital for humans to feel bonded with others, with benefits starting after just twenty seconds so all the more reason to snuggle up with someone.

Happy Hormones

The seasons have a huge impact on our hormone levels, with testosterone levels peaking – in both men and women – in fall. Studies show that testosterone in men can increase by as much as 31% in late fall and early winter, with sperm counts also rising after taking a dip caused by summer heat. In the US, the highest number of babies are born in August and September, as fertility levels for both men and women are at their peak in November and December. We’d suggest making sure your potential baby-mommy or -daddy have passed the Cuffing Season playoffs before testing out this particular scientific theory, though. Science hasn’t yet shown what it is about the changing seasons that triggers this boost in fertility, but it could be a combination of decreasing daylight, evolutionary survival techniques, and overindulging on the festive eggnogs.

Four Times My Emotional Intelligence Helped Me Make Smart Dating Decisions

October 26, 2018January 22, 2024 by Ola Faletiin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Because sometimes your IQ isn’t enough.

Dating in 2018 can be tricky territory. Between getting ghosted, fielding unsavory Tinder hookups, and a whole gamut of other things, it’s hard to remember how to date healthily. By dating healthily, I mean being open to building new relationships and meeting new people. I also mean knowing when to end a situation that won’t give you what you want.

Emotional intelligence is a buzzword these days. While I won’t call myself an emotional genius, I can think of ways that my emotional intelligence guided my decision-making in the dating realm.

1) Be a good judge of character

On Tinder I met this man, once. He had a beautifully bushy beard and was extremely attractive. On our first date we met at a bar in December, sitting near an open fire. We talked, but really, HE talked. A lot: about his daughter, about his Ph. D program, about his undergraduate experience, about his studies in Afrocentric thought. All that talking he did should’ve been a red flag. We met subsequently after and he literally charmed the pants off me. The physical intimacy was a stellar encounter that I replayed in my head for weeks. But something clicked the fourth time we met – this guy was a self-involved asshole. All he cared about was talking about his life and trying to prove me wrong at every turn. Trying to undermine my intelligence because I was, in his words, “a baby” (we had an eight-year age difference).

It’s easy to get caught up in good sex (“dickmatized” is one of my favorite words). But I do consider myself a solid judge of character, even if it takes a few dates. I read the tone of his voice when he was about to say something condescending. I read his barely-concealed sighs when I would retort with my own rebuttals. It was the body language of someone who didn’t take me seriously.

2) Have Self-Awareness

To be a good judge of character, one must know thyself. Which means knowing strengths, weaknesses, what you want and what you definitely don’t want. B was someone I went out with two years ago. He was a sweet and chivalrous type, always opening doors and insisting on paying when we went out. He treated me and my body with respect. The problem was that we had different ideas of how often we should see each other. Once every three-four weeks was enough for him. I could have gone out with him longer, had I been looking for a noncommittal situationship. With age, I’ve learned that I’m not a casual type of girl. And I hate gray area. That sealed my decision to end things at the three-month mark.

Being alone is better than settling for what you don’t want. Having a clear idea of who you are and the things you find important should always be at the forefront of your quest for romance.

3) Know when to apologize

The learning curve was big when I was in my first relationship. He was a friend first, one that I had intensely crushed on for months before mustering the courage to tell him my feelings. I thought that would be the hardest part. Nope. The hardest part was managing expectations. Even together, I felt like I was still pining for his attention. All I could think about was the attention he wouldn’t give me. I didn’t stop to think how he might feel until we talked things out (right before he dumped me, but it was useful nonetheless). He felt like I pressured him at times. “You just think about what you want, and not what I might want.”

A light bulb came on. He was right. I apologized for my lack of consideration. Our dating was new for him too; he had never gone out with a woman before. I think about that first relationship a lot, as brief as it was. Not being able to relinquish the ego holds you back from a lot of lessons.

4) Don’t Hold Grudges

Feeling like someone wronged you hurts. I get that. My summer 2017 wasn’t the best, partially because of an almost-romance gone sour. I say “almost-romance” because we weren’t dating per se, just two friends exploring what it was to be more than friends, living in the gray “friends with benefits” territory. The things that happened between us made me see him in a different light. I found him flaky, unreliable, and sending mixed messages left and right. The tipping point was when he abandoned me at a time I needed a friend the most.

It would be easy to resend him forever, to fall into a victim narrative of how he treated me badly. Of how much he sucks and how I’ll never trust him again. But a) that’s exhausting and b) serves no one. He was dealing with some personal turmoil, and nobody’s at their best when they’re trying to keep their head above water. I understand that. Most importantly, I understand how much lighter my soul is when I forgive him and move forward with my life.

17 Affordable Dates to Celebrate Fall

October 31, 2018January 22, 2024 by Kate Oczypokin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

After a long and hot summer, it’s time to celebrate fall with some cozy dates.

I’ve always enjoyed everything about fall. From pumpkins to bonfires to a new season of tv, there’s something cozy and fun about autumn.

Here are 17 affordable dates to ring in fall, from sweet to sexy.

1. Go pumpkin spice latte tasting.

Grab a pumpkin spice latte from area coffee shops near you. Bring them to a nearby park with the best fall foliage in town. Don’t forget a blanket and some pastries to eat while you sample. Hold your own pumpkin spice latte tasting together and see what shop’s drink you think is the best.

2. Check out a haunted house or haunted hayride.

This is a great idea for those who just started dating. When things get extra spooky, hold hands or put your arms around your significant other. There’s nothing better than holding onto each other during a frightening haunted house walk-through. Most are relatively inexpensive too.

3. Stay in bed all day and get your Netflix queue ready.

Make some warm pumpkin chocolate chip muffins (I personally love this mix from Trader Joe’s) and eat them in bed. Queue up a romantic movie and get snuggly. Don’t forget to plan this one for a particularly chilly day!

4. Use Halloween as an excuse to wear costumes in the bathroom.

Leave the dressing up as princesses and superheroes to the kids. Order some seriously sexy outfits for the bedroom—French maid, firefighter, you name it. Celebrate Halloween night by dressing up but keeping the tricks and treats confined to your bedroom only. The costumes don’t have to be expensive either. Amazon has sexy options and most are under $30.

5. Go camping for a weekend.

Dates that last the entire weekend are some of the most fun. Spend a weekend outside when the leaves are at their peak foliage. Camping is an affordable way to have some fun and there’s something just a little bit naughty about having a romp in the fresh air.

6. Visit a winery or brewery.

Head out to your closest winery or brewery on a gorgeous fall day. Most offer tastings or tours for affordable prices. Pack cheese, fruit and crackers for a picnic afterwards.

7. Go apple picking and bake a pie together.

Find out your nearest orchard and pay a visit for some apples. Once you’re home, bake a pie together. Make things just a little sexier with a little flour fight or perhaps licking some ingredients off each other’s fingers.

8. Celebrate Hygge by the fire.

Hygge, which is Danish for a cozy and comfortable mood of wellness and contentment, is a great concept to celebrate as fall ushers itself in. If you’re lucky enough to have a fireplace, get it going and curl up together for some serious snuggling time.

9. Shop your local farmer’s market.

Plan a cozy dinner date at home a la Harry and Meghan. Head to your local autumn farmer’s market and grab ingredients for dinner at home eat by candlelight.

10. Head to a local football game or tailgate.

Let’s face it—NFL games are super expensive. It’s sometimes more fun to tailgate during a game instead. If the NFL isn’t your favorite, visit your college alma mater or old high school for a game together.

11. Host a group date bonfire.

Find someone with a backyard and make sure you can burn. Roast marshmallows and make some s’mores or roast some hot dogs for an affordable and fun time wIth other couples.

12. Make a fort and watch a scary movie.

Channel your inner child and make a fort together like you did when you were young. Snuggle up together and turn on a scary movie. At the jump scares, hold on extra tight to your significant other.

13. Go on a scavenger hunt.

When the weather cools off, it’s fun to get out in your city or town. Look for a nearby scavenger hunt and sign up together. See if you two can win the whole thing.

14. Head to a mystery dinner theater.

A mystery dinner theater is a great way to usher in fall and Halloween season. Get dressed up and ready to have a spooky good time.

15. Carve pumpkins and have some apple cider.

Go to your nearest pumpkin patch and grab some pumpkins and apple cider. Spend the evening together and see who can carve the best pumpkin. Roast some pumpkin seeds after and feed them to each other as you admire your handiwork.

16. Go stargazing.

Borrow a friend’s pickup truck (or use your own if you have one) and head out to the country. Snuggle up together for a night under the stars.

17. Rake leaves and jump into the piles.

Rake the leaves in your yard and when you’re done, jump in the piles. Fall’s version of a snowball fight is a good, old-fashioned and flirty leaf fight.

Fall weather is the best for dating. We tell you why with this piece.

Out with the Old Season In Love

November 9, 2018January 22, 2024 by Terri-Jane Dowin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

How our relationships are affected by the changing seasons

As we turn back the clocks and get ready for winter to really set in, autumn seems like a good time to give our relationships a little bit of a shake too – see what’s working, and what’s maybe getting a little bit stale. It’s easy to get into a cold-weather routine. Nights are longer, it’s cold outside, and it’s really much easier to close the curtains and stay indoors instead of venturing out. But that gets old pretty quickly. It’s a positive practice to let go of old things to make room for new growth, and this goes for relationships too. As the nights draw in, finding balance in your relationships can help lead into winter – creating new habits together and removing any blocks that might be stagnating your partnership.

Pay better attention

Listening to the other person is one of the most important features of a positive relationship. It works not only to make them feel like you care what they’re saying, but also means you both relate to each other more effectively, and that you find yourselves both more actively interested in each other. Paying attention is a quiet way of supporting your partner, and working on this as a skill can only ever be a good thing. Developing your listening skills can be as simple as putting your phone away when you’re talking, and making sure that you aren’t interrupting the other person. It goes both ways too, and you’ll usually find that if you make the effort to be a better listener to someone, they’ll reflect the same back to you. Most of the time, it’s about awareness, so head out to a quiet bar, leave your phone in your pocket, and make sure you’re spending some quality time with your partner.

Darker date nights

In the summer, it’s easy to be spontaneous. The sun is shining, it’s much nicer to spend time outdoors, and it’s easy to set up a last-minute barbeque or trip to the beach. As the daylight hours get shorter, we want to make the most of them, but accepting the darkness is an option too! Check out what’s going on where you live – there’ll be festive fairgrounds opening soon, and wrapping up to head out for mulled wine and fireworks is never a bad idea. When staying indoors is a better idea, check what’s on at local galleries or museums, where you can wander for a couple of hours. If that’s not your thing, lots of restaurants start switching to a winter menu, so you could make a list of places to try out together and find a new favourite spot.

Back to school

For better or worse, years of school mean that even as adults we are programmed to feel like the changing seasons equal new beginnings. This can spell disaster for relationships, especially ones that seem less exciting because you’ve settled in, but it doesn’t have to. Instead of lamenting the loss of learning, invest your time together in teaching yourselves something new. Many colleges offer six-week courses, or you can find all sorts of things on the internet. Enroll on a creative course, learn a language together, or try out something sexier, like a tantric workshop. Couples who participate in activities together find that their relationships are more rounded, and less likely to feel stagnant. Embarking on a new project together will mean you can both support each other as you go along, and you might find a new joint passion.

Build your nest

Of course, there’s always the option of actually embracing the feeling of wanting to stay inside and get cosy – and it’s always much nicer to netflix and chill with someone you love. There are some obvious benefits to staying in bed all winter, but there’s also another bonus: creating a wintery nest for you to hibernate in together! Cohabiting, or even just sharing a bed occasionally, is a good excuse to light some candles and stock up on cosy cushions and fleecey throws. Make a blanket fort for the two of you to hide in, and practice finding a balance together, ready for the winter.

Fall is a great opportunity to spend some time reevaluating your goals, and the best way to build your relationship is to talk through what you and your partner are looking for, together. Don’t be afraid to talk about stripping back old habits, to make room for the next exciting stages!

True LOVE Confessions by Sierra Mercier

November 15, 2018January 22, 2024 by Sierra Mercierin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Time for a confession…

I haven’t always been lucky in love. I mean, let’s be honest, few of us are. Love is a quest that requires training, it requires patience, and usually it involves devastating heartbreak. But it’s how we bounce back, it’s what we do with our circumstances that determines victory or defeat.

#METOO

When I was younger, I didn’t recognize my value, and this caused me to be vulnerable to situations where my value was taken advantage of. I was physically and sexually abused by a peer of the opposite sex, and I was sexually abused and assaulted by someone I trusted, someone in a position of authority, someone I looked up to.

Though the road to healing from these wounds has been long and windy, it’s my outlook, and choice to turn poison into medicine that’s enabled me to really work on loving myself, recognizing my value, and thus attracting the type of love that I truly deserve.

Girls, women, sisters… please hear me! Each and every one of you is a Goddess. Feel into that power, fuel that power with self love, self respect, and then share that love with the world. I promise you that if you do this, you will attract the most loving, healthy, happy relationships.