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Category: RELATIONSHIPS

Frustrations of the Lack of Clarity and Closure

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Are you frustrated?

I live with five girls. Well, five girls and a semi-friendly ghost who occasionally knocks stuff over in the night and eats all my fudgesicles, but I digress. We talk about a lot of things in my house, like religion and history and politics and the meaning of life, but predominantly, as much as I hate to admit it, we talk about love. Love and relationships, dating and disaster. We sit on the couch and lay on the floor and drink wine while angrily shaking our fists at the sky and asking why it all has to be so confusing. So far, we haven’t come up with an answer. Love is weird, and dating is hard, and unless you live life locked in your room clutching your box of fudgesicles (the ghost can’t get them if you eat them all in one sitting), you’re going to get hurt and be confused at some point by someone who won’t give you a clear answer on how they feel about you.

I don’t know why everyone isn’t honest about their feelings, but I do know some ways to deal and some things to remember when things get dicey. And since I can’t cuddle you on my couch and feed you chocolate, I’m going to do my best to pass on my hard-earned and tear-stained knowledge here. Good luck out there, and remember, you’re not alone in this thing.

Try to remember that it may not be about you.

It’s easy to start questioning everything you’ve done and said and eaten sloppily when someone you thought was into you starts being distant. Maybe they’re taking longer to answer your texts, maybe they’re forgetting important things you talked about, or maybe they’ve just shut you out for no good reason at all. I’ve learned through a lot of angst and heartache that there usually isn’t just one reason things are off, and it’s possible the person you’re seeing has something personal going on that you don’t understand. Be kind, try not to jump to conclusions, and don’t blame yourself; they may be fighting some demons you can’t see.

Know where your line is.

That being said, you shouldn’t feel obligated to stick around and wait for the truth to reveal itself. If you’re feeling neglected, minimized, or like you’re spending more nights crying into your pillow than dancing around to Taylor Swift, you have every right to walk away. You deserve to be happy, and if all the confusion and mixed signals are detracting from your state of mind, then there’s no shame in leaving.

Try to get some new perspectives.

Sometimes we get really tied up in our own biases and hopes and can’t see what’s right in front of us. Maybe past bad experiences are making the present mess seem worse than it is, or maybe you’re so head-over-heels you can’t see that you’re being played. Try talking it out with people you trust and friends who will be honest with you. Consult a diversity of sources. Google “mixed signals,” call your mom, talk to your friends, and if it still doesn’t make sense, go to the source and just ask what’s up.

It’s okay to simply ask for an answer (don’t be afraid!).

One of the most frustrating things about modern romance is the lack of closure. You met someone you really liked, and then they stopped talking to you. You went out with someone who declared their love and admiration and bought you a fat burrito, and then they never called. It’s a never-ending story of unanswered texts and questions all building up and weighing you down with “what ifs?” and “whys?” We’re often taught that silence is the best answer, that reaching out makes you weak and that wearing your heart on your sleeve makes you vulnerable and clingy. But sometimes it’s worth the second text, the second chance. Sometimes you need a conclusive answer to move forward. It’s ok to ask why and assert some accountability, and once you’ve done it once it makes being honest and open about your feelings and expectations so much easier.

Try to look at the big picture.

Not every tryst and encounter is meant to blossom into a relationship. Sometimes we meet people just to lose them, and as much as it hurts, it’s not the end of the line. There’s always another party, another date, another person to sweep you off your feet and make you remember why you bother with this love thing at all. It’s okay to be sad, and it’s okay to take a break if you feel like your heart has been hit a few too many times. But try not to give up, keep putting yourself out there and letting people in, because while you can’t prepare for heartbreak, you can hope for love.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

See Who Thinks Romantic Relationships are Like Having a Job

by zfortadminin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Who would you guess?

People around the world fall in love. That seems like an obvious truth today, but it used to be quite controversial.

In fact, some scholars still believe that romantic love was invented by European troubadours in the Middle Ages, and that people outside of the western tradition don’t really experience it.

“We decided to see if that was true,” says anthropologist Ted Fischer, who teaches at Vanderbilt University.

In 1992, he and William Jankowiak, an anthropologist at the University of Nevada Las Vegas, did a survey of anthropological research on 166 different cultures around the world.

“We looked for evidence of romantic love, and that could have been love poetry, or elopements, or just general descriptions of what we’d consider to be romantic love,” Fischer says. “And we found it in an overwhelming majority of cultures.”

Fischer says in the few places where they didn’t find evidence of love, well, the anthropologists who did the original studies weren’t looking for the factors he and Jankowiak were looking for. So elopements or love-related suicides might have occurred and just not been noted.

“So we thought it’s very likely romantic love is found in all cultures,” he says.

Jankowiak and Fischer’s paper made a big splash, and today it’s widely accepted that people in cultures outside of the West experience romantic love.

But perhaps not all romantic love is the same.

“When you look at cross-cultural research of romantic relationships, you get these very striking cultural differences,” says Xiaomeng (Mona) Xu, a psychology professor at Idaho State University.

For example, when asked about love in surveys, people in some Asian countries are more likely to describe love in negative terms than westerners are.

“The sorts of cross-cultural differences that come out of self-report questionnaires would suggest that easterners, for example, really don’t feel passion, really don’t think about love as a positive thing,” Xu says.

In countries with a tradition of arranged marriage, falling in love is disruptive and dangerous. Historian Stephanie Coontz studies marriage, and she says only recently has there been an assumption that love would come before marriage.

Historically, “falling in love before marriage in India was considered an actively antisocial act,” Coontz says. “In ancient China, the word for love connoted a very socially disrespectable relationship.”

Falling in love is arguably about pleasing yourself, and some cultures put more emphasis than westerners do on serving your family or your community.

When asked about love, many people in China will talk about melding two families, or carrying on the family name. They’re likely to emphasize long-term attachment, rather than Hollywood-style romance. They’ll talk about duty and commitment. When freelance producer Rebecca Kanthor talked to people on the street in Shanghai about love, the word that kept coming up was “responsibility.”

“Being involved in a romantic relationship is a lot like having a job, actually,” says Jessie Chen, 24, a Shanghai accountant. “Both of them are very risky, can be risky. Having a job is risky. Having a romantic relationship can be risky.”

Chen says she’s hoping to find a husband whose parents will get along with her parents.

“Two years ago, I would say getting married is more about loving someone,” she says. “But now I’m getting more and more practical.”

That kind of approach to marriage is still common in China.

“It’s very pragmatic,” Xu says. “It’s based on thinking about whether or not this person is going to fit into your family and if they’re going to be a good financial choice, etc.”

And yet there is love poetry in China, and songs about romantic love. Xu says the surveys that seem to indicate a lack of passion in China don’t ring entirely true.

“The issue is that all of these studies are done using self report,” Xu says. “So it’s really difficult to know: Are people accurately reporting their experiences and there’s this drastic difference between how westerners experience love and how easterners experience love? Or is it that culture is influencing how people talk about it?”

Xu headed the first study to look at the brains of Chinese people who were in love and compare their brain scans with those of people in the US and England.

“We found that they’re almost identical,” she says.

Xu says the few differences her team found may have been because they were using a stronger scanner than earlier studies had used.

This research provides support for what Xu had guessed was the truth: “How we go through the process of love can be very culturally defined,” but the experience of love is really not so different from culture to culture.

And Chinese culture may be changing when it comes to love and marriage.

Nowhere is that more apparent than in the marriage markets that have sprung up in Chinese cities in recent years. As millions of people have migrated to urban areas, old ways of negotiating matches have become impossible. You can’t consult with the neighbors if you don’t know the neighbors.

On a recent weekend in Shanghai, people looking for spouses filled People’s Park to look at personal ads laid out on the sidewalk or attached to walls. Many were parents looking for spouses for their adult children — sometimes without the children’s knowledge. Some opened umbrellas, set them on the sidewalk and clipped laminated sheets of paper to them, listing their children’s vital statistics — age, height, income.

Zhou Yun, senior matchmaker at Shanghai Hongyan Matchmaking Company, was at the market to help arrange meetings, for a fee. She says things have changed since she was a girl.

“In contemporary China, young people put a lot of emphasize on material conditions” when they look for a spouse, she says. “They are quite picky.”

One thing many parents of young women insist upon is that the prospective groom have his own apartment. Not many young men can offer that. Zhou Yun says people want too much, and so they’re not likely to find spouses.

“Many young people are the single children in the families,” she says. “Their parents are concerned about their kids being taken advantage of in marriage.”

Some people in Shanghai say they think Chinese ideas about love are changing, influenced by the West. But Zhou Yun disagrees.

“Actually throughout Chinese history, falling in love hasn’t changed much, regarding how people feel,” she says. “Regardless of Chinese or foreigners, our feelings are basically the same when it comes to love and relationships.”

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How to Save Your Marriage from Becoming a Sinking Ship

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

What are you avoiding in your relationship that can kill it?

Watch out for these silent relationship threats.

Forget about infidelity or lying to your spouse about your finances: there are other, less-talked behaviors that are just as destructive to a marriage ― and you and your partner are probably guilty of some of them.

Below, marriage therapists share six behaviors that can silently kill a marriage.

 

 

Spending time together as a couple is important, but don’t let your friendships fall to the wayside in favor of yet another night of takeout and Netflix. It’s unrealistic to depend on your S.O. to fulfill all your socialization needs; giving each other space by heading out for girl’s night out or a meetup with the guys could do your marriage some good, said Ryan Howes, a psychologist in Pasadena, California.

“It’s so important for both of you to build and sustain friendships with others,” he said. “Through your friends, you can gain other experiences, perspectives and support that may actually enhance your relationship. You have to have confidants outside the relationship.”

 

 

If you rarely reach out and touch each other ― or have reached the point where you only have “special occasion sex” (birthdays, anniversaries and vacations) ―it may be time to address the elephant in the bedroom: You’re well on your way to asexless, passionless marriage, said Debra Campbell, a psychologist and couple’s therapist in Melbourne, Australia.

“You don’t have to be having sex every day, but some kind of near-daily sexual or erotic acknowledgement is important in relationships,” she said. “It might be the slightest touch; it’s not always about orgasms and getting hot and sweaty.”

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Taking a Turn Into a Commuter Relationship

by Carla Maldenin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

We went for it anyway … even though we were geographically undesirable. Love knows no bounds, right? So we flew in the face of reason and committed to a commuter relationship.
If it weren’t for the vexing distance between us, we’d be the inspiration for a Lifetime movie. His marriage officially dissolved the same week my husband died 51/2 years ago. Middle-aged, hearts trampled, we rediscovered joy and magic and all those things supposedly reserved for the young.

We’d been friends for 30 years. We met when my husband and I were soon-to-be-married sweethearts. He was an unattached young lawyer starting a career in Century City. We double dated with him and a seemingly endless string of girlfriends. There was a fiancée in there somewhere. Then he got married, and we folded his wife into the friendship. There were four of us until there were just the two of us.

Our friendship continued. We went to dinner. We went to the movies. We went to concerts. The names of my husband and his ex-wife peppered our conversations. For some time and in so many ways, there were still four of us at the table.

After about a year, we struck a deal. If neither of us had anything else to do, we would get together on Saturday nights. Most of the time neither of us had anything else to do. Another year went by and another, and we became one another’s go-to invitee, each other’s when-in-doubt plus one.

Gradually, we both began to laugh again. And once a week morphed into twice a week. Sometimes three.

No one was more stunned than I when we made the hairpin turn from friendship to coupledom, but we did — somehow glacially yet all at once.

But shacking up is not so easy for the middle-aged. If only our lives, like ourselves, were not quite so set in their ways. Being geographic undesirables was not the only issue.

He had a dog. I’m allergic. He wanted to return to practicing law after a long hiatus and was studying for the bar round the clock. I had a book coming out and was polishing the final edit and learning how to be interviewed without feeling like I was going to throw up.

Things worked themselves out as things sometimes do with a bit of serendipity. Duncan, his Cairn terrier, bit one too many hands and landed himself in a center for non-rehabilitative canines.

He passed the bar (as he had done the first go-round), and I learned about mens rea and replevin along the way.

I grew so accustomed to doing radio that I actually enjoyed spending 15 minutes sitting cross-legged on my bed in my sweats chatting with the folks in Portland, Ore., or Boise, Idaho.

During this time, however, our city’s long incipient atherosclerosis exploded into acute arterial blockage everywhere you turned. Literally, everywhere you turned: left, right, north, south, east, west.

I stuck with the 405.

He checked online traffic reports incessantly.

I tried Wilshire.

He’d call with a Google Maps update: “It’s all red.”

I zigzagged south to Olympic or Pico.

“Let’s have dinner tonight,” he’d suggest. “I’ll come over around 2.”

A.m. or p.m., I wondered.

He’d call from the road. “I’m on La Cienega.”

“That’s crazy!”

“You always think map. You have to think time,” he explained. He had driven 9.4 miles out of his way to save 5 minutes. One Friday afternoon, he actually abandoned his car and walked the 1.1 miles to my house.

On the other hand, I veritably flew home when I left his house at 7 on a Saturday morning. Late one Thursday night, he “got home in two songs.”

This made matters only more maddening. Why couldn’t it always be like this? Why does Gustavo Dudamel insist on taking the podium at 8 p.m.? Why are dinner dates with other couples at … well, dinner time? Why are there so many cars and where are they all going? And, admittedly, why are we both so stuck?

He claims to be addicted to the beach. It’s a gestalt thing, since he has set foot in the Pacific once in five years. But he does walk the shore, delighting in the neon kaleidoscope of the Ferris wheel as he strolls at night. My life revolves around people and places inland. There’s the studio where I zumba for endorphins; the neighbors who watched my daughter grow up and held my hand when my husband died. This is my home, where my roots go deep.

Some day this may change. It’s not impossible that one day the trek to see one another will be from the kitchen to the den. But for now, we find ourselves in a long-distance relationship: 7.06 miles on surface streets. 8.01 on the freeway. We may need a sherpa, but we deal with it because, stunningly, second-time-around romance turns out to be worth the irksome commute … even between Brentwood and Santa Monica.

When I Saw His Essence

by Belle Benedictin RELATIONSHIPS

I walked home alone. Thirty-five city blocks in high heels. Guess What Happened Next?

“What is it about him that you like so much? “ people ask.  I try listing his good qualities:  humor, kindness, warmth, intelligence. And yet, that isn’t it. They are words I used to describe a feeling that words couldn’t quite capture.

‘I resigned myself to not knowing. “ I can’t really tell you. “ I answer.

He translated a book I used as research for a project. I had written him about collaborating and we agreed to speak on Skype.  The camera on his computer didn’t work, neither did mine; so we just talked. His voice was warm, and embracing. I liked him but thought little of it.

When we found ourselves in the same city, we agreed to meet. The only image I had of him was a photograph. He was sitting in a chair, wearing a fedora, his back to the camera.  Beneath the hat, his hair was long and silver.  He was in town for a conference so I approached a group of men in the lobby thinking one might be he.  They all knew him but not how to find him.

I retreated to a table with a view of the ocean and a glass of wine when I heard his voice, “Ms. Livingston, I presume? ”

I saw his image in the window as he approached. Phew!  I wasn’t attracted to him. Though there was that moment as he walked across the room when a current of electricity shot through me. But it was just an instant and I dismissed it.

We agreed to work together on the project. Trust came easy. Indeed, he frequently remarked just how easy. For months we wrote or spoke daily.

As planned, he came to visit to discuss the project. I found a place for him to stay at a friend’s apartment. We took her to a jazz club as a thank you. “ It was uncomfortable being with the two of you, “ my friend later told me. “You were both so intense. You either loved or hated one another; nothing middling.”

When we left the club, they walked off together. He blew me a kiss.  I envied her.

I walked home alone. Thirty-five city blocks in high heels. A friend from the neighborhood passed me on the street. I smiled.  ‘You look like you’re in love!’ she exclaimed.

I was startled by the observation, unmoored by the feelings. I hadn’t planned on  them and now I couldn’t rein them in. They had a life of their own. And there were consequences. The easy trust, the laughter, the comfortable confidences were freighted in ways they hadn’t been before.  Because now I wanted him.

The details aren’t unique. I yearned to be close to him, he retreated.  He sensed this and drew me back in. “When it’s all there, it’s over,” he told me once.   Funny, I thought, not for me. When it’s all there, it’s just beginning.

I was honest and told him how I felt, thinking the earth might swallow me whole. “You never really know what people are thinking,” was his response.    He dabbled in infatuations with married women, recently divorced women, women in distant climes.

Still, he’d insist, “ I can’t talk to anyone the way I talk to you.” Later he wrote, “There will always be something strong and deep between us.”

I bolted, more than once, determined to protect myself. My past had its demons too. But lessons demand to be learned. And until they are, attention must be paid.

I visited him in the southern city he called home. One summer night, standing by his wooden dining table with its fiery orange bowl full of lemons and mangos, the light  in the room changed without warning. I looked at him sideways even though I was standing close enough to feel the heat from his body.  He was talking, earnestly engaged in something that didn’t involve me. He was perspiring a bit. His hair, what remained of it, was still long and silver. His nose was sharp and surprisingly small for his face.

Suddenly, his features began to dissolve. Shapes, once distinctive, lost form and density.  The light in the room shifted again, softening. I had noticed earlier that his arms weren’t as muscular as when we met. The light in his eyes, not as bright.  All of it blurred until there were no distinguishing features at all.

A man past 60 without the rewards that by right were his due by dint of intelligence and charm, talent and will.  A complex man, confused by life and possibly lost but still curious. Still vibrating with vitality and sensuality.

The sharp edge of his nose, the contours of his belly, the arms no longer firm, the hair no longer thick and lustrous; the image of who he was – male, broad, strong—was gone. In its place was something else. Something other.

Luminous and without form, I had seen his essence.

I knew then that I loved him.  Pure. Direct. Unmediated by the facts of his life or mine. By history, failures, successes, unrealized desires. Free of expectation or the need for validation.

So, this is love, I thought. As if I arrived at a destination I hadn’t anticipated but found beautiful.  No pounding hormones or adrenalized yearning. Just one human heart beating uncritical witness to another. It didn’t matter how much he earned or what he wore.  Whether he was tall or thin or without self doubt.

He never invited me to love him.  And he may never love me in return.  It doesn’t matter.

What’s invisible is truer than what the eye can see. I had always known this but misplaced it somewhere in my personal annals of loss and disappointment.  How nice to be reminded.

Lesson learned.

You Want a Relationship: How to Avoid Those Who Don’t

by Virginia Jonesin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Does your partner flip on you, very affectionate one day and cold the next?

Your friend gets engaged. Another friend gets engaged. Two friends move in together. Another friend is on vacation with a guy she met three months ago.

You check your phone.

You don’t have a response back from a text you sent last night.

What’s going on? Why does your boyfriend keep saying he’s busy and that you expect too much? Well, he’s not your boyfriend officially, but you’ve been dating for a couple of months, so at some point he’ll be your boyfriend, right?

Congratulations! You’re dating an attachment avoidant!

Does this sound like your partner?
“My partner always seems to be comparing me unfavorably to some past, or ideal future partner”
“My partner flips on me, very affectionate one day and cold the next.”
“My partner seems to find it difficult to emotionally connect with or support me.”
“My partner gets uncomfortable when I get too close.”

Conversations with an avoidant:

A: “I’m surprised that you’re angry that I was seeing (other friend), I thought you knew I was seeing other people.”
B: “Of course I knew you were seeing other people, you kept giving me your address and asking how my weekend was over and over and re-introducing me to your cat, and sending non sequitur texts that you were also sending to other people, and going offline for long periods of time. What is it that you want?”

A: “Oh, I don’t like to stay in anything too long if it’s not working.”
B: “It seems like you planned for failure- I didn’t hear from you much, and we weren’t really building on any kind of intimacy, because you didn’t want it. Romantic attachment is not something that just happens to you, like winning a lottery or being hit by a bus. It’s something two compatible people who like each other build. If you’re just running through women looking for the ‘right’ one who will make you have emotions, that’s not going to work.”

It sometimes feels like everyone on the dating scene is an attachment avoidant. That’s just because avoidants are busy meeting new people, like Alice’s White Rabbit, they’re always late for another date! Although it’s hard to believe, they only represent 25% of the general population.
50% of adults have a “secure” dating style, they’re people with healthy boundaries who aren’t afraid to connect with the right person, and who are actively looking for that connection. 25% are “anxious”, people who are obsessed with connection and overly concerned about their partner’s love and fidelity, and 25% are “avoidants”, who are always looking to meet but never to connect.
It can feel like everyone on the internet is an Avoidant because:

Secure people tend to enter into healthy, balanced relationships, and they tend to stay in them for long periods of time. If you meet one, it’s because they’ve left a long relationship, not because they just “have been dating around” for a decade.

Avoidants tend to bounce out of relationships pretty quickly, and they don’t date other avoidants, because if two people are avoiding returning a text, that fizzles out pretty quickly.
Avoidants see most people as “crazy” or “anxious” or “clinger stage 5” because they see healthy interest in another person as something to be avoided.

What do I do to stop dating attachment avoidants?

First thing– let go of the idea that it is naïve or old-fashioned to want a relationship. Relationships make us live longer, happier, more fulfilled lives.

Second thing– They say that the only way to find a prince is to kiss a million frogs. Your path to meeting someone who actually wants to get to know you and have a relationship is through filtering avoidant partners. Call ‘em f*ckbois, call ‘em ghosters, call ‘em whatever you want, but stop calling ‘em:

If you meet someone who says “All my exes are crazy.”

Or “You want to know if we’re dating? I really don’t like labels.”
Or “I need a lot of space.”
Or “Work’s so busy, I don’t have time for anything serious.”
Or “Women are always trying to trap guys into relationships.”
Or “I’m not ready to commit” (even after dating for months or years)

Just stop interacting with them. You don’t owe them anything. Keep meeting new people. When you meet someone you like who’s clear about wanting to see you again, who makes plans and keeps them, who listens to you and shares intimate details with you, think about continuing to see that person.

I was talking with a friend, and she told me a story about “my boyfriend, but he isn’t really my boyfriend, he’s just a guy I’m sleeping with, you know. I mean, who has a boyfriend anymore?”

I told her that I had one.

She asked, “How did you do that?” She thought maybe I had some grandfather clause or a deal with the devil.

I told her, “I have a new rule I’m following, and it’s simple: I don’t have sex with people who don’t want to be with me.”

She stared at me wide-eyed.

I continued: “I know it sounds weird and unachievable, but it isn’t. I met someone who was secure and who cared about me, and who wanted to be in a relationship. Before that, I made out with a couple people, and kissed lots of people, but I didn’t have sex with anyone until I met someone who really wanted to be with me. I’m not missing anything but a series of disappointing partners, feelings of rejection, and being made to feel unreasonable for wanting something more.”

It’s totally OK to date casually, but it’s also OK to want something more. Don’t listen to people who tell you differently. Date to find the people worth keeping, and move on from partners who don’t want the same thing that you do!

Based on quotes from Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

Play Together, Stay Together

by RJ Newellin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

gettyWhen kids get bored, they can easily get into trouble. That’s why “go outside and play” is one of the more common phrases parents use. For kids, play is an opportunity to get centered, learn new things, and have fun in a constructive way. But for adults, the word “play” has come to mean something entirely different.

“I don’t play games,” says the woman trying to appear drama-free. 

“I’m not a player,” says the man who wants to earn her trust. 

“Play” for grown-ups sounds like the opposite of fun. But what if I told you that play can actually save your relationship? What if “acting like a child” made your grown-up problems easier to cope with?

Playing together might be the most mature decision you’ve make all day!

Too often, long-term couples smother themselves (and each other) by falling into boring routines. We work, we go home, eat dinner and watch the news, go to sleep, repeat. There’s simply no time for anything else. So we worry we aren’t having sex enough, or talking about our feelings enough. We talk ourselves out of intimacy, and it’s exhausting.

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My favorite antidote for worry is play. Once play becomes a priority, sex and conversation might actually come easier. We all want less frustration and more intimacy. We’d all be happier with fewer wasted moments and more time together. You don’t have to wait for vacation. You can play where you are, right now.

Play is easy, it’s quick, and it’s free. There are a million ways to do it.

When you wake up in the morning, take 5 minutes for a cuddle party. Laugh at your puffy faces and messy hair. Race each other to the bathroom, and have a toothbrush karaoke party. Just be ridiculous. You might feel stupid at first, but that’s what play is: being goofy together, on purpose.

A serious relationship doesn’t actually have to be “serious” 24/7. Happiness doesn’t always appear on its own, so we play to manifest joy.

Challenge each other to do celebrity impressions in the shower. Try making something weird for breakfast. Do ten minutes of Kundalini yoga together – if you don’t know what that is, find a video on Youtube. Those breathing exercises can be pretty hilarious.

Embrace your childlike sense of humor. We may all be adults here, but none of us have to be old.

In the evening, make dinner together and pretend you’re on a cooking show. While you’re eating, ask each other to share embarrassing stories. And if you must watch something, make a game of that, too. My husband and I sometimes take turns picking Youtube videos, and it’s actually super fun! Any cool music you’ve heard, lately? How about the latest viral cat videos? Share the things that make you feel young, goofy, and alive together.

A silly game we like to play is something I call Mystery Records. You know those bins of $1 old records in thrift shops? I like to pick a few artists I’ve never heard of (cheesy matching sweaters on the album cover are definitely a plus), and then play them at home. This makes for some really random dance parties in our living room.

Feel free to create your own silly games. Maybe you could try inventing bizarre recipes using only what you have in your kitchen. Or you could assemble some ugly, dorky outfits and recreate some ‘awkward family photos’ in your dining room. Being weird together is infinitely more fun than being bored or stressed together.

Play doesn’t always require energy. Don’t feel pressure to be ‘fun’ all the time. Sometimes, we’re tired – and that’s okay.

At night, try putting your phones down and talk about things that make you happy. If you’re feeling passionate about a new project, say so! If your partner is doing a great job at work, congratulate them. Share the dumbest jokes you’ve heard all week. Talk yourselves to sleep about the things that make you smile.

Today, if you find yourselves talking in circles about whatever’s bothering you, take a pause for play. This doesn’t mean ignoring your problems; it’s just making them easier to approach later. There are a multitude of possibilities for play in the time you spend together. Trying just one of these things can lead you to even more ideas for creating joy.

When kids get bored or frustrated, we tell them to go play. Deep down, you’re just two kids in love, aren’t you? So go outside, get out of your heads, and play.

Cuddle Therapy is Most Desired By…

by Rachel Meghanin RELATIONSHIPS, Sex

We all crave some sort of physical attention. But is it possible to get this without having sex?

Personally, I’ve always desired sensual relationships more than sexual. This could be because of my asexual orientation, or simply because I’m a particularly sensitive person. I never really fantasized about sex. I’ve had sex plenty of times, sure, but it was never my preferred method of intimacy. Because of this, I don’t particularly desire anything beyond close friendships. It’s perfectly possible to have an intimate emotional relationship to someone that isn’t a significant other without it leading to sex.

Preferring Sensual Over Sexual

It takes a very rare bond to engage in sensual acts with a friend. An unnameable kind of connection that requires a very specific type of validation. In my case, I tend to crave physical touch from my friends. Instead of getting drunk and having sex with a stranger, I would get drunk and hug my friends a lot. Especially men, because of how myself and plenty of other women have been conditioned to seek male validation in every form.

I remember being with my ex-boyfriend and trying to get him to be sensual with me. He was a very aggressively sexual person, so it always had to turn into some sort of sex act. He wouldn’t be able to cuddle for too long before we ended up with our clothes off. I would try to lay my head in his lap get him to play with my hair, but he just didn’t get it. At the end of the day, I realized I wanted more of a platonic relationship with him and other men I dated, leading to my identification as asexual.

Types of Asexuality

There is a wide spectrum of asexuality, and can range from:

  • Having no desire for sex
  • Sexual attraction to someone only if you have a specific emotional connection
  • Aromantic seek physical non-sexual touch while maintaining romantic attraction
  • Desire for Cuddling and deep emotional conversations, but never a desire to kiss

The existence of sexual acts do not define a relationship, as it’s perfectly possible to have a healthy romantic connection without them.

Cuddling Therapy

There is a market for people who seek intimacy with a stranger. There are also professionals out there who make a living by cuddling people.

A website called cuddlist.com advertises “therapeutic, non-sexual cuddle session(s) with a certified professional cuddler”. However, booking a cuddler for $80 an hour might not be as effective as cuddling with someone you love, platonic or not. Platonic intimacy is still grounded in a personal attachment, so to some professional cuddling does not hold the same kind of significance.

The fact that the cuddling website specifies that it is “non-sexual” is a crucial point. In a way, this kind of service almost becomes a type of platonic prostitution, in a sense. While it may not hold the same significance as cuddling with a friend or significant other, it does demonstrate an alternative for a solution to emotional and physical desire, specifically for those who don’t necessarily seek out sex.

Crushes

Could platonic intimacy lead to something more? Sure. In my experience, romantic crushes can easily develop without any sort of sexual connotation as a result of this kind of intimacy. I’ve always been the type to meet someone and become their friend before becoming romantically attracted to them, as the idea of dating someone for the purpose of getting into a relationship scares me. My desire for the person grows, wanting them close to me physically without even realizing that I’m developing a crush on them. It’s hard to explain how such a thing happens, and as an asexual person it can be hard to distinguish a crush from a desire to love in a platonic way.

Kissing Just to Kiss

In the case of more sexually driven people, however, it can be very common for platonic cuddling to turn into something more. Many people are able to jump from nonsexual intimacy to sex very quickly. I remember trying to explain to someone that I desired to make out with a guy I knew, to which that person replied that maybe I scared him off by wanting to sleep with him. I realized that the mindset that many sexual people have is that kissing leads directly to sex, and in many cases it’s true, but the idea of not going beyond first base is much more desireable to others.

So is it possible to cuddle with a friend or loved one and not have it turn to sex? Absolutely. It honestly depends on the level of the person’s sex drive, and how they identify themselves. For many people including myself, it’s the primary way of demonstrating affection, and can lead to a very special strong emotional bond.

The act of kissing or cuddling with a close friend can be more than enough for some.

It’s Not Okay! What Happened When I Was Intimately Assaulted on an Airplane

by Lisa Lauretain RELATIONSHIPS

I waited in a small room for two FBI agents to finally show up and ask me typical questions such as, “What were you wearing?”

In light of the election and talk of “grabbing pussies,” I thought I’d go ahead and tell my tale of such atrocities. Many people have made light of the subject, writing it off as “locker room talk,” and saying things like “that’s just how men speak.” I don’t know what men these people are associating with, but this is not the way the men I know speak. Men of varying orientations, backgrounds, ages, etc., all across the country and world are saying, “Um, no, we would never just grab pussies, in a locker room or elsewhere.”

There are, however, men who do feel this behavior is okay. Let me just say for the record, it’s SUPER NOT OKAY. Grabbing a woman, on any part of her body, let alone right in her pussy, without consent, wouldn’t even cross the mind of most of the men in my life. It wouldn’t cross my mind either, and I love pussies! So to brush “talk” off like it’s nothing is extremely irresponsible, especially when influential people in the media are the ones speaking these harmful words. I’m not just talking about the candidate who I don’t respect enough to even mention the name of. He wasn’t the only person in that conversation. And that conversation unfortunately does happen in certain locker rooms. But that still doesn’t make it okay, or harmless, or something to brush under the rug. Because guess what?! It happens. Words become actions. Many men feel that they can just grab you right in the pussy. And they get away with it.

I was on a 15 hour American Airlines flight home to Chicago from India. The man sitting next to me was wearing way to much cologne, donned a big bushy mustache, and a cell phone clipped to his belt. These offenses would unfortunately not to be his worst. He was asking me questions about Chicago and what he should do there on his layover. At one point, he asked if I wanted to show him around and I politely declined stating that I was excited to see my boyfriend who was picking me up at the airport. I then decided to drape a blanket over myself and try to get some sleep. About an hour and a half into the flight, in my sleepy state, I began feeling a hand all over my body. I mean ALL OVER my body. It was invasive, and heavy, and under my blanket. I could feel the pressure from it all over my breasts, and then it snaked down to my legs and in between my thighs. I was in that mid-way point between sleep and awake so I didn’t react right away. I finally woke right the eff up when I felt his hand grab me, guess where?! That’s correct, right in my pussy. The hand under my blanket belonged to Mr. Too Much Cologne.

I jumped up immediately. He moved his hand away and stared at the screen on the seat in front of him. I looked at him and asked, “What were you doing?!” He sat completely still and silent, apparently unable to take his eyes off the Sandra Bullock/Ryan Reynolds blockbuster, “The Proposal” playing in front of him (who can blame ‘im?!). I sat for a second wondering if he’d even realized what he had done, or if maybe I was mistaken. Was I going crazy? Was I still asleep and dreamed the whole thing, or rather, nightmared it? Then I looked down and saw his erection. This was not imagined. I yelled, “Do you think what you did was okay?!” Still, the movie was far too engrossing for him to reply. I finally exclaimed, “Get UP!” At which point I finally received a response from him, which was to stand up and move into the aisle.

I left my window seat and not knowing what else to do, ran. I ran first toward the back of the plane, losing a contact lens in the process (for which I have yet to be reimbursed by the man or American Airlines). Failing to find a flight attendant in the back of the plane, I ran toward the front. Finally I came upon a male flight attendant near the bathrooms and frantically told him what had just happened, to which he replied, “Oh…so…do you wanna move seats?” No, I just wanted to tell you how happy I was that I finally found the one! “YES! Move me!”

I was moved to business class where the female flight attendants made sure I was okay, as the male attendant brought my things to me and said, “geeze, you have a lot of stuff.” I don’t check luggage when I travel abroad, which is not the point, asshole, but thanks for the unsolicited opinion! They let me know that the pilots had been informed and the man would be apprehended upon landing, but there wasn’t much else they could do at that time because there was no marshal on the plane. I tried as hard as I could to sleep for the next thirteen hours, but it was pointless. I just imagined him coming up to me in my new fancy seat and doing it again, or something even worse. Did he know he was going to be apprehended? Was he going to come after me and try to get me to shut up or change my story? Was there an in-flight Lifetime movie relating to this exact experience that could keep me occupied for the next several hours?! Luckily there were no further incidents and the plane landed safely in Chicago.

As promised, Chicago PD was waiting for us to get off the plane. They were all set to take both of us to customs when one of the female flight attendants chimed in, “Maybe you should take her first, so she doesn’t have to see him again.” A male police officer scoffed, “She’s already seen him, what’s the big deal?” This is yet another great example of the training offered to those meant to protect and serve us. The men that I dealt with on this exhausting day had zero sensitivity for the issue, while the women seemed to completely understand. This baffles me, but I have to think it has something to do with the fact that women are trained from birth on how to deal with and/or try to avoid these situations and men, well, I don’t know what most men are trained for, but it’s clearly not sensitivity.

I waited in a small room for two FBI agents to finally show up and ask me typical questions such as, “What were you wearing?” and “What did you say to him?” As though my yoga pants and light conversation about fun things to do in Chicago were to blame for my sexual assault. They made sure to laugh a lot and make real light of the situation. One of them asked if I wanted to press charges, and while doing so suggested that it wouldn’t really do much, because, “this has already happened thirteen times this year.” Did I mention it was February? I absolutely wanted to press charges and made sure that everyone knew that. They said they spoke to the man, who apparently was “very sorry” and crying, which was another reason I shouldn’t press charges. I insisted once again on pressing charges. They said they would send him home, and “he’s here on business, so he’ll probably get fired. Plus, he’s married, so his wife will be pissed.” To which I replied, “That’s not enough, please press charges.” I was told to go home and they would continue talking to him. I would receive a call when they were finished.

I was met by my boyfriend, and had to explain why I didn’t want to be touched even though we’d been apart for ten days. I got back to my apartment where I finally laid down to get the sleep I desperately needed when I was awoken by a phone call with a laughing, literally laughing FBI agent who said, “Yeah, we didn’t press charges. He said that he’s done this with other Middle Eastern women before who liked it. I think he just thought you liked him cause you were being so nice. He’s already on a plane back to India, so, he’s really gonna get it from his wife. He wrote you an apology note. It’s kinda cute, want me to read it to you?” I received the note in the mail a couple weeks later. The officer and I have differing opinions on what we consider to be “cute.”

To this day, when I travel, I have a very difficult time sitting next to strangers. All I can think of is this disgusting man who’s face and shitty mustache are embedded in my brain forever, and the fact that he knows it’s okay to do this. After all, who’s going to stop him?Not American Airlines who, in response to my letter asking that they ban him from further flights said they can’t deny his business. Not the FBI. Not anyone in the US government.

So I ask you this, if this is already a huge issue in this country, if this exact situation had already happened 13 times in just two months, why would it be okay to elect someone into office who chalks things like this up to “typical male behavior” and “locker room talk?” Anyone who so clearly disrespects women, and has such low opinions of them, or any gender of human, doesn’t even deserve to be on a plane, let alone lead a country. Don’t we as a country need to move forward, rather than slip back into archaic, misogynist mindsets?

I have to say, I’m grateful that a dialogue has started, and I’m hopeful that it continues. Because people need to know this is not something that should be laughed away, or scoffed at, or disregarded as women being oversensitive. It’s an invasion on someone else’s body, which, often times in this world is literally the only thing we have that’s truly ours. Don’t let it be taken away from you. And when it is, fight back. I was too scared, tired, and weak when it happened to really fight back. But I fight now. And, at the risk of sounding cliché, one of the best ways to fight is to vote. So vote, dammit, and keep creeps away from our pussies!

Women in the Workplace Study 2016: By The Numbers

by Sarah Ewaldin RELATIONSHIPS

“A comprehensive study of the state of women in corporate America.” Would you agree with these stats?

Image of woman using laptop while sitting at her desk. Young african american businesswoman sitting in the office and working on laptop.Sheryl Sandberg’s LeanIn.Org teamed up with consulting firm McKinsey & Co. to release the second annual Women in the Workplace study. The study bills itself as “a comprehensive study of the state of women in corporate America.” The study examined 132 companies with a combined total of 4.6M+ employees. Another 34K+ filled out a relevant survey about their experiences in the workplace.

You can read the full results, but here are some relevant stats:

Able to Participate Fully in Meetings:

  • Women: 67%
  • Men: 74%

Believe Their Contributions are Appropriately Valued:

  • Women: 49%
  • Men: 54%

Believe Their Gender Will Make It Hard to Advance:

  • Women: 33%
  • Men: 12%

Lobbied for a Promotion or New Assignment:

  • Women: 39%
  • Men: 36%

Asked for an Increase in Compensation:

  • Women: 29%
  • Men: 27%

Negotiated and Received Feedback They Were “Bossy”/”Aggressive”/”Intimidating”:

  • Women: 30%
  • Men: 23%

When Partners Refuse to Better Themselves

by Rachel Meghanin RELATIONSHIPS

You can’t dictate your partner’s life.

You want what’s best for them, but sometimes that may not line up with what they decide to do with themselves. Ultimately, they are their own person, and sometimes you have no control over their decisions.

My Experience

I dated someone once who didn’t want to better himself at all. He was comfortable having no ambition, smoking weed and drinking all the time, and working dead end jobs. Believe me, I do not judge for any of that, but the fact that he was a grown adult happy with spending all of his money on liquor and dropping out of college was concerning to me. I wanted to be with someone that I could relate to, and maintain similar desires. He was unhappy, but didn’t want to change.

I encouraged him to go back to school. He said that he would, but didn’t put the effort into applying. I begged him to cut back on drinking, but he continued to drink a lot. He just wanted to get wasted and high all the time. The floor of his room would always be covered in beer cans and weed resin. I didn’t want to live that life.

Not to mention the fact that he cheated on me. He told me after it happened and immediately started crying. He promised to change and never do it again. After that, every party we went to ended up with him making out with multiple people. I wasn’t surprised. A few months passed before he broke up with me.

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Different Romantic Personalities. What Romantic Type Are You?

by zfortadminin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

You might not realize it, but you have a romantic blueprint. We all do. It’s one of five romantic archetypes. You might be the Madonna type, who’s all about loving and giving. Or, you could be the opposite, the Cool Girl, who is more about loyalty and trust.

In order to have the most fulfilling love life possible, you need to identify which romantic archetype you align with and which love language you speak. You might relate to elements of all five of the archetypes, but we each have one that is more prominent than the others. Knowing your romantic archetype gives you valuable information about how you’re wired to give and receive love.

If you don’t understand how you tick, how can your partner know what makes you happy? Once you figure out who you are and what you need in a relationship, you can give this valuable information to your partner…and vice versa.

What’s a love language?

We’re not talking parlez-vous français here. Your love language is how you like to communicate love and how you want your partner to communicate it to you. For instance, some women feel more loved when their partner brings them a gift while others feel more loved through physical affection or being helped out around the house.

Think of it this way: Your partner might think bringing you flowers is a great way to show you love when what you really respond to is his taking the initiative to do the dishes once in a while. So, you might go through years of frustration, feeling that he just doesn’t “get you,” when in reality it’s kind of your fault for not teaching him what your love language and romantic blueprint is.

The five romantic archetypes:

1. The Gypsy:

Strengths: This is the most erotic of the archetypes. She is a free-spirited, sexual woman. She experiences sexuality as a transcendent experience connecting her with energy beyond her partner. Because of this universal connection, she can be more detached and prefers freedom to the stability of committed relationships. She knows what feels good to her, so sex is something she engages in for her own pleasure instead of to please someone else.

Gypsy Prototype: Angelina Jolie, Christina Hendricks, Sofia Vergara

Pain Points: She doesn’t have a hard time finding romantic partners but does struggle to form long-term romantic bonds and connect on a deeper emotional level.

Love Language: Touch, sensuality, and intimacy. She communicates with her body by holding hands, touching her partner when she speaks to him/her, kissing, playing footsie under the table, cuddling, and, of course, sex.

Perfect Date: The gypsy is so in touch with her physical body, she doesn’t need a lot of warming up before sex. She is erotic and sensual, so sometimes going straight to the bedroom can be an ideal date. Using feathers and blindfolds to be creative sensually makes the experience much deeper and more intimate.

2. The Venus:

Strengths: She is typically put on a pedestal and perceived as beautiful and sensual. Because she is an object of beauty, she can become disconnected or numb to her own true desires and pleasures.

Venus Prototype: Kim Kardashian, Megan Fox, Scarlett Johansson

Pain Points: She might need too much validation from external sources, which makes her vulnerable to becoming an object of pleasure instead of experiencing pleasure for herself. For example, an actress client of mine used to fake orgasms. She was more concerned with letting the other person see how amazing she was while she had an orgasm than actually experiencing that pleasure for herself.

Love Language: Giving and receiving gifts. She is not afraid to use her femininity or her flirtatious persona to receive gifts and affection.

Perfect Date: The perfect date for the Venus is to relax, get out of her head and back into her body, and be able to feel her natural sensuality through luxury. Going out to a nice dinner or ordering a bottle of expensive champagne can help her engage her eye for beauty.

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How to Help a Partner with a Mental Illness

by Rachel Meghanin Mind, RELATIONSHIPS, Wellness

There is such a stigma attached to various mental illnesses.

Most people suffering tend to keep it a secret to those they don’t know, for fear of being labeled as “crazy”. When it comes to having a romantic partner, it can be difficult to open up.

Telling your partner about your struggle takes a lot of bravery and trust. If your partner is understanding, that is a very good sign. If not, they aren’t worth staying with. A good partner is one who accepts every part of you. Because that’s all mental illness is, really. Just another part of what makes you as a person. It dictates your strengths and weaknesses, and controls what makes you tick.

For those of you who have a partner with a mental illness, it can get frustrating at times. You want to be able to help your loved one through their struggle, but it is not always effective. This isn’t your fault. It is just as much out of control for your partner. Mental illness is just like any other illness.

There are plenty of ways that you can support your partner through their struggle. Here is how:

1. Understand that your partner is not one to be “dealt with”.

If that’s the perspective you have about the situation, then that’s already a major issue. No one should have to be dealt with. People are not to be dealt with, mentally ill or not. Instead, learn to cope alongside your loved one. Attempting to escape out of fear will help no one.

2. Educate yourself.

Learning about your partner’s mental illness will help you understand where they’re coming from if they become distant or moody. It will also help you realize that their mood is not to be taken personally, and is typically a side effect of whatever is going on in their head. It will mean the world to your partner, as it shows you are committed and willing to sympathize with them and their struggle.

3. Accept that sometimes there isn’t much you can do to help.

Sometimes someone struggling with mental health problems is consistently in emotional pain. A lot of times, loved ones can give up on them, saying that they don’t know what to say or do. They feel like they’ve exhausted their resources and have no more advice to give. But a lot of the times what a mentally ill person seeks is not advice, but just someone to listen and be physically and emotionally there for them.

4. Communicate openly with your partner.

Allow them to communicate with you. Encourage them to speak their mind and tell you exactly how they’re feeling. Listening to them can help them make sense of what’s going on in their brain, and your support and open mind will help them recover from any sort of anxiety or panic they may be feeling.

5. Help them help themselves.

Encourage them to seek therapy, go to support groups, and generally reach out when they need it. As stated earlier, sometimes there isn’t much you yourself can do, and getting them to seek professional help is sometimes the best solution if things get particularly bad. Go with them to the doctor if they ask you to or are afraid to go alone. If they’re in a really bad place and feel suicidal, don’t hesitate to take them to a hospital. Not doing so is harming rather than helping, and it’s imperative that you support them through trying times.

6. Create a safe environment.

Every human being is entitled to feel safe and loved. Sometimes those with a mental illness feel that they do not deserve this basic right, that they are evil or unworthy of love. This simply isn’t true. A safe environment is crucial in the physical and emotional sense. Don’t get mad or frustrated with them so much that they are afraid to come to you in times of crisis. Maintain a safe space where they feel open and comfortable, and unafraid to be vulnerable. In addition, helping them create a good physical environment is also important.

7. Check in on them.

Reminding them to take their pills or eat or any other necessity is a great way to show them that you truly love them. Sometimes your partner may feel overwhelmed or distracted, and will honestly forget. You don’t need to become their keeper, but simple reminders are a healthy way to express how much you care about them.

8. Do not gaslight them.

This is a form of abuse. If there are legitimate problems in your relationship unrelated to your partner’s struggle, do not write it off as just something they’re “imagining” or “making up” as a result of their illness. Let them air their legitimate concerns, and if you are at fault for something bad going on in both of your lives, take responsibility and don’t dismiss your partner’s feelings by insisting that it’s just part of their illness.

9. Don’t tiptoe around them.

You are not on thin ice or walking on eggshells. It is usually not your fault if your partner has any sort of panic or anxiety attack. Treat them how you would treat any significant other, with honesty and love. People dealing with mental illness genuinely want to be treated normally, and doing otherwise can even become a source of your partner’s anxiety.

10. Love them for who they are.

There is way more to your partner than their mental illness. You fell for them for a reason, and what you love about them should be your primary focus. Don’t treat them like freaks because of their struggle. Support them, but also do everything you can to maintain a loving a healthy relationship. They will do the same.

Research on Gratitude in a Romantic Partnership Predicted This

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

I had one goal when I started graduate school five years ago—to understand why some romantic relationships thrive while others fail.

I also had one primary hypothesis—that relationships fail when partners begin to take each other for granted. And I thought: If taking each other for granted is the poison, then gratitude might be the antidote.

Back when I started, few people were talking about gratitude. Today it is everywhere, and for good reason. More and more research has highlighted the myriad benefits of gratitude for physical and mental well-being. We’ve found that gratitude is good in large part because it helps us create and hold onto our close relationships.

In research by Sara Algoe and colleagues, grateful couples were more satisfied in their relationships and felt closer to each other. And in our research, we found that participants’ reported feelings of gratitude towards a romantic partner predicted who would stay in their relationships and who would break up nine months later. The more grateful participants were, the more likely they were to still be in their relationship.

When I examine the role of gratitude in relationships, I’m not just looking at what happens when people say “thanks” after their partners take out the trash. My definition of gratitude includes appreciating not just what your partner does, but who they are as a person. You’re not just thankful that your partner took out the trash—you’re thankful that you have a partner who is thoughtful enough to know you hate taking out the trash. Gratitude means thinking about all of your partner’s best traits and remembering why you got into a relationship with them in the first place.

But how does gratitude help couples? Along with several colleagues, I recently published a series of studies exploring this question. We found that gratitude can help relationships thrive by promoting a cycle of generosity. That is, one partner’s gratitude can prompt both partners to think and act in ways that convey gratitude to each other and promote commitment to their relationship. How does this cycle work? Read on.

Step One: Feel more grateful –> Want to hold onto your relationship

This part of the process is very simple: Moments of gratitude help people recognize the value in their partners—and a valuable partner is worth holding onto, of course. We found this to be true in a number of studies—i.e., when people feel more appreciative than usual of their partners, they also report more feelings of commitment.

And this benefit of gratitude has long-term consequences: The more grateful people were at the beginning of the study, the more committed they were nine months later. So it seems that feelings of gratitude are tied to the motivation to maintain one’s relationship.

Step Two: Feel more grateful –> Work to keep your relationship

But being motivated to stay in a relationship is only part of the story. We also need to act on that motivation. And gratitude is valuable here as well: Experiencing gratitude also seems to promote behaviors that help people hold onto their relationships.

In one study, we found that people reported being more thoughtful and responsive to their partners’ needs on days when they felt more grateful for them.

In another study, we brought couples into the lab and had them talk about important topics in their relationships. Participants who were more grateful for their partners were observed as being more caring and attentive listeners during these discussions—a key for promoting intimacy in relationships. These findings suggest that gratitude might help people gain and maintain that intimacy.

Step Three: Work to keep relationship –> Partner feels appreciated

This is where the good stuff happens. Recognizing you have a valuable partner and acting accordingly can help your partner feel more valued.

In our study of couples in a lab, we found that when people feel more grateful for their partner, they signal those feelings through more caring and attentive behavior—for instance, by asking clarifying questions of their partner when he or she is discussing a problem. These gestures can have profound effects: Participants who were better listeners during those conversations in the lab had partners who reported feeling more appreciated by them.

Step Four: Partner feels appreciated –> Partner more grateful

Now we complete the cycle: In our research we find that an appreciated partner is a grateful partner. On days when people report feeling more appreciated by their partners, they experience increases in their own feelings of gratitude for their partners. And this makes sense: What partner is more valuable than one who clearly values you?

And this is where the benefits of gratitude really take off. Going back to the initial steps in this cycle, we remember that a grateful partner is a partner who will think and act in ways that help him hold onto the relationship. So now, both partners are focused on maintaining the relationship. In this way, that first moment of gratitude can spark an ongoing cycle of gratitude and generosity (until one of you is too tired, stressed, or anxious, but that is a story for another essay).

When is gratitude good?

It’s important to say that gratitude isn’t always the answer—and it can sometimes hurt you.

Our research tries to identify the factors that sustain healthy relationships that may be experiencing a bump in the road. Gratitude is good if the relationship is good.

There are, however, some relationships that people should not try to hold onto, as when there is physical or emotional abuse. Looking for moments of gratitude in unhealthy relationships may encourage people to stay in relationships they should be ending.

But for normal, healthy, everyday dissatisfaction, this research suggests that you don’t have to sit idly by and grow resentful when you are feeling neglected.

Instead, take some time to reflect on your relationship and promote your own feelings of gratitude. These feelings can help you focus on boosting your own positive feelings about your relationship—and down the line, you may find yourself feeling more appreciated in turn.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article