zfortadmin, Author at Love TV - Page 34 of 50

Author: zfortadmin

How to Remedy a Low Sex Drive

by zfortadminin Sex

For many people, reigniting your feelings for your partner through talking and sharing more deeply is enough to get desire back on track.

I remember once going to see a film called The Tin Drum with my male partner, a film we both agreed was erotic and arousing. In a post-coital chat afterwards, it turned out that we had each found completely different scenes in the film to be a turn on.

Our sex drive is a highly personal and quixotic thing, which ebbs and flows with life’s events. The fact that sex is unpredictable, as we open up ourselves to our partner in the act of making love, the stakes are high. Sex has the power to repair a relationship, to bring people together, and to renew love.

Conversely, when desire falters, we often find it hard to accept. Couples can be devastated and worry that the relationship is coming to an end. One person may feel rejected, the other feels a failure. The stress levels can ratchet up, making things even worse.

Where is the lust?

A loss of desire can have physical or psychological origins or a mixture of both. There are many physical causes for loss of desire, associated with changes in the body as a result of health conditions and ageing. Hormone levels for both men and women are important influences as are alcohol, drugs, some medications and contraception which can often result in quite rapid changes.

The difference between desire and arousal

If you are concerned about “going off” sex, it is important to understand the difference between desire and arousal. Often the body will still respond to touch and caress so it’s still perfectly possible to have an active sexual relationship, but the desire to do so may be reliant on one partner to always initiate.

Even with some conditions like diabetes, where a man is no longer able to get a natural erection, the desire remains. The issue is that the body does not become aroused.

It’s also important to consider that in men, loss of libido isn’t the same as erectile dysfunction. A drug such as Viagra will help a man to have an erection, but not give him the desire to have sex.

Too stressed for sex

Psychological causes of the kind we see regularly at Relate can be linked to a number of relationship issues as well as life events and the effects of stress. The body does tend to cope well with everyday pressures and tiredness – there will be days when you don’t feel the desire to be sexual. However, prolonged loss of desire is often associated with more extreme difficulties such as a bereavement and other significant life events that are likely to have an impact on all aspects of your life, not just your sexual libido. Just plain weariness after the birth of a baby is a common and normal passion killer.

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Feeling Greater Love through Acts of Kindness

by zfortadminin LOVE

Mother Theresa said, “There are no great things, only small things done with great love.” Imagine the ripple if just a few handfuls of people made this same gesture.

Another Valentine’s Day has come and gone…with the chocolate wrappers and tiny cards to prove it. Did your family grow stronger, love harder, or become better as a result? I believe Valentine’s Day (and holidays in general) are all about making love a verb. And I believe that we can do that on more than just one day each year. In fact, we set a goal as a family to make it happen. Every. Single. Week. It doesn’t have to take an act of Congress, a special date on the calendar, a ton of money, planning or time. In fact, a little creativity and about 15 minutes ought to just about cover it.

Mother Theresa said, “There are no great things, only small things done with great love.” Imagine the ripple if just a few handfuls of people made this same gesture. In addition to the benefits to the world at large, children who do such deeds receive so many benefits. In a study done by Dr Sonja Lyubomirsky, Professor, University of California, students who were asked to commit five random acts of kindness showed a 42% increase in happiness.

Patty O’Grady, PhD. is an expert in the area of neuroscience, emotional learning, and positive psychology. She believes that “kindness changes the brain by the experience of kindness. Children and adolescents do not learn kindness by only thinking about it and talking about it. Kindness is best learned by feeling it so that they can reproduce it.”

We began the project by reading the “Starfish Story.” You can read it here: http://www.starbrite.com/starfish. Then we shared ideas for things we could do to make people smile. The list is endless….but here are 15 to get you started.

* Tape quarters to vending machines

* Leave a flower on a random windshield

* Bake cookies for a postman, garbage collection team, barista, bank teller,etc.

* Return a grocery cart for someone

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Sabotaging a Relationship Before It Even Starts

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE

…And then something changes, as he either starts to pull away or seem less engaged or the worst one of all, begin to ignore her…

Every girl loves the feeling of meeting someone new; feeling that inevitable spark; exchanging numbers; talking to him everyday as the excitement buds. She connects with him; she feels the proverbial connection; she has fun with him; tells all her friends he might just be ‘the one’… And then something changes, as he either starts to pull away or seem less engaged or the worst one of all, begin to ignore her…

Naturally, the way that men and women go about experiencing and processing relationships is very different. Whereas men tend to live much more in the moment and require more time, women tend to get stuck and wrapped in the tiny details and want to jump right into a relationship.

The truth of the matter is that relationships in fact are really quite simple, but sometimes a girl can drive herself insane trying to figure it all out- often losing sight of what’s really important: the actual relationship in actual time, causing a budding relationship to turn into a non-existing one.

1. Focusing on a “fantasy future”

It always starts off so perfect; the first couple of dates go smoothly and you just can’t help but get excited for the future possibilities this new guy has to offer. We begin to think of where this relationship might go and we create a whole fantasy future. As soon as a girl starts to create this fantasy future, her mind begins to focus on the possibilities making it a problem because they lose sight of the here and now. Girls become obsessed and attached to this fantasy and they can’t help but stress and worry about losing this new man, even though he isn’t something they really had to begin with! And men can sense this overzealous vibe coming off a woman and that is when the push and pull between the two begins. As he senses a girl begin to create this fantasy, the pressure ensues and he begins to back off, causing the women to panic and cling on even tighter. This sort of pressure can be a really big turn off for a man and can turn a promising relationship into a nonexistent one real quick.

So girls, don’t try to plan a wedding when the guy is still only just trying to plan the next date! Give him time to continue to get to know you and for the both of you to develop a stronger bond.

2. Questioning everything

No one likes to waste their time and risk getting their heart broken. Most women fear getting too emotionally invested in a man that will eventually break things off so they begin to wonder where the relationship is going; whereas on the other hand, men like to take it one day at a time, leaving women in a state of wonder and questioning. In these situations, sometimes women think it is best to have the “where are we” conversation only to protect their feelings, leaving the man feeling pressured and in the end, scaring him off. People also often associate pressure with desperation, insecurity and a need for control- all qualities no one is into, right?

So girls, even though it is tempting to ask a man “where are we?” for the sake of our emotional safety from the potential pain of a broken heart and because opening up to someone new is being completely vulnerable and scary, we need to realize that these are only fears and insecurities that can throw off our men. Life is full of risks and a new relationship is only part of the journey so it’s okay to be fearful. It only means that you are pushing yourself out of your comfort zone in the pursuit of something that will hopefully end up good. Allow the relationship to naturally unfold before you let your fear ruin it!

3. Overanalyzing everything

A lot of women tend to let the thoughts in their head take over and begin to over analyze the man in front of them. Who he is, what his real intentions are, what he’s really about—women look at his behaviours and the things he says and use that as a means to measure how he feels about them. Picking apart text messages, questioning why he’s not responding, questioning what he’s up to, debating what to reply to him, replaying every little detail over and over again, turning nothing into something, and the list goes on. The most attractive woman to a guy is the one who is drama-free, the one who just goes with the flow and the one who doesn’t put so much pressure in the relationship.

The first few stages of a budding romance are the most exciting, and if you’re too wrapped up in playing emotional detective, then you won’t get to actually enjoy it! Just stay confident in yourself and trust that he does like you. And if he doesn’t, then you will find someone better who will! The more you over think and invest your time in worrying about him, the more hurt you will be if the relationship fails for whatever reason.

4. Assuming you’re “official” before actually being official

Sometimes it is very difficult for girls to keep their options open when they find Mr. Nice Guy and can’t picture themselves meeting anyone better. They think that just because they hit it off after a couple of dates, that this guy has every quality they want, and so they begin to act like his girlfriend, when in reality, they are not. Just because things are going great and he talks for hours, does not give a relationship any exclusivity! Truth of the matter is that NO man is going to ever willingly make it official and commit to a girl unless he is absolutely sure of it and wanting it. It is in a man’s natural genetics to not want to be tied down and will only commit himself to that special woman when the time is right.

So stop being over dramatic and paranoid that he’s not into you just because he likes other girl’s Instagram pictures or Snapchats with other girls. Do not make nothing into something! If he’s really into you, he will not have to ever put a doubt in your mind and the budding relationship will eventually flourish into a prosperous one!

5. Acting like your life revolves around him

One last turn-off for men is when a woman starts to spend more and more time with him, but feels as if all of a sudden he is the one and only thing going on in her life. When girls begin to abandon their friends, their hobbies and their other life priorities, men begin to see this as an obsession and again, it places too much pressure on them.

Girls need to remember that the reason this guy felt drawn to them in the first place was probably because of the great life they lived. If she abandons that then that attraction and intrigue fades as well. And giving up all these things for him and expecting him to do the same will only end up in him resenting them for reigning in on his freedom.

Do not ever let a man be the sole source of your happiness and fulfillment. Do not ever stop being the girl you were before you met him. When your man sees that you can balance both him and your other sources of happiness, he will feel that his importance is reduced, and therefore start making YOU more important.

A girl should always allow for things to just happen naturally and embrace the uncertainty. When she just enjoys being with him and makes nothing of it, her vibe will be enjoyable to be around, making him want to continue hanging out with her. But as soon as he feels you’re trying to get something out of him too soon, he will want nothing to do.

Although it is healthy to be transparent in any relationship, especially in the first stages, the true winning strategy is to just always bring your best self into the relationship and not stress over it. As soon as you start, remember that if he is truly the one, then it will work out; and if he’s not, then you’ll be free to move on toward someone that is!

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Why You Reject an Eager Suitor

by zfortadminin LOVE

Guys who actually like relationships and are interested in having a girlfriend find it very frustrating and baffling when women balk at early commitment.

It’s a recurring theme among the guy readers here, and in a recent comment thread reader HanSolo explained it with a metaphor:

To 80% accuracy women are like cats. Cats are not like dogs. Cats do not want to mate with dogs. So, you need to show a little more catlike behavior at first to get that pussy (-cat) interested in you. Remember how cats come up and sit on the lap of the person who ignores it and only once it’s decided it wants you does it want to be petted and start receiving the more “doglike” affection.

Not all women are more catlike but to men who tend to go overboard with too much affection too soon (that act too much like affectionate dogs that run up to their master when she gets home and bury her with attention), keeping that exaggerated metaphor in mind will help them to treat them in a less smothering and more balanced way.

HanSolo doesn’t like it that women do not appreciate eager, unconditional affection from the start, and he doesn’t quite understand why this should be so, but he does accept it:

I have developed a more catlike nature. The dog in me is always longing to get out with the right woman though and cover her with affection.

I have so much love waiting for the right woman.

I feel like I have built a dam to hold it back but the rains keep falling and the reservoir is always brimming to the top.

I want to find the woman who wants my love. That thirsts for it. Whose heart is a desert. Who will open the spillways and let me love her fully. Who will love me back. Completely, fully, with abandon.

Until then, I “DO IT” with the occasional “woman” and wait.

Women fantasize about finding that kind of love with a man, as the Romance Literature industry attests. However, it should be noted that in female fantasy, this level of commitment and devotion from a man is hard won, not a thing to be given away lightly. Women understand this instinctively – we can be extremely interested in a guy, pinching ourselves over our good fortune in attracting this gorgeous man, only to find him unappealing and yes, creepy, within a date or two. His eagerness to be immediately and deeply in love sounds alarm bells.

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How to Tell a Potential Partner You Have an STD

by zfortadminin Sex

A young woman with herpes shares ways to make the talk less stressful.

When you’re open about the fact that you have herpes (as I am), you get asked all the time if there is a foolproof, non-awkward way to tell a new sexual partner that you have an STD. Sorry to let you down, but there is no one-size-fits all script for disclosure (if you’ve found one, please e-mail it to me). Every relationship is its own special snowflake, and you have to find an approach to the STD conversation that works for you.

But in my experience bringing up the topic since I was diagnosed two years ago, I have picked up a few tricks. Here are 10 pointers I recommend anyone who has to broach this difficult topic keep in mind.

1. Practice

Yes, it is scary to have That Conversation, especially when you’ve been diagnosed recently. At the beginning, even thinking the words “I have an STD” can feel uncomfortable and embarrassing. So say them as often as possible! Talk to yourself in the mirror. Chat with your pets about sexual health—they won’t judge you. Every time you disclose your status, even when no one is actually on the listening end of that conversation, it gets easier. Before a big date, I like to practicing segues as I lather my hair up with shampoo in the shower (“And I have a blog where I write about gender issues and sexuality and what it’s like for me to live with genital herpes…”). You don’t need to plan out everything you want to say to your partner in advance, but knowing where you want to start and being able to say it smoothly will help you feel confident when the moment arrives.

2. Don’t Psych Yourself Out

It’s human nature to imagine all of the no-good, very-bad, awkward directions this conversation could go. When I was first diagnosed, the many nasty ways my date could reject me ran through my head like ticker tape. But convincing myself every disclosure would be a disaster was a self-fulfilling prophecy; I’ve only ever had a bad response when I entered that conversation from a place of doubt and insecurity. Instead of fixating on the risk of rejection, focus on how awesome you are and the positives you bring to the relationship. No, seriously! Think of the character and respect you are demonstrating by being honest about your sexual health. Look at you, doing the right thing. Who wouldn’t want to date you?

3. Make It a Conversation, Not a Monologue

A great way to freak out the person you’re dating is to say you need to talk about something serious and then launch into a big, emotional confession. Instead of taking the “I have something important to tell you” route, treat this as an opportunity to discuss how you want to approach your relationship…in a low-pressure way, of course. I’ve used the disclosure conversation to discuss what I want in the relationship more generally—am I looking for something exclusive, or would I prefer to keep things casual? This is also a good time to ask how recently they were last tested for STDs and discuss what forms of protection and birth control you want to use together. Saying, “I would rather we use condoms if we have sex because I have HPV and want to keep you safe,” is much more reassuring than, “I hate to tell you this, but I have HPV.”

Don’t be surprised if opening up about your STD invites him or her to do the same with whatever it is they struggle to tell new partners. Disclosing that you have an STD demonstrates you’re an honest, nonjudgmental soul, and that will often encourage your partner to lower some of his or her walls, too. Some of my best relationships were built on that first conversation when I let my guard down and my partner followed me to that place of emotional vulnerability. These are the moments of trust and vulnerability that become the foundations of the best relationships.

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Underlying Issues Why Your Man Can Experience a Low Libido

by zfortadminin Sex

What happens to a man’s libido as he ages?

It is now possible to restore crucial intimacy and sexual spontaneity to relationships when men experience erection problems without pills or surgery.

Approximately five million men in the UK suffer from mild to severe erection problems as a consequence of the natural ageing process or other medical conditions. The ‘problem’ can have a devastating effect on relationships impacting confidence and intimacy. Both partners may suffer different anxieties, concerns and confusion and research shows that approximately 20 per cent of relationships break down as a result of the loss of intimacy.

Raj Persad a Consultant Urological surgeon explains the main reasons why men experience erection problems and tells us about a new long-term solution, which will restore crucial intimacy and sexual spontaneity to relationships without the need for medication or surgery.

What actually causes erection problems?

Some men are unable to achieve or maintain an erection long or well enough to perform sexual intercourse. For other men it may be that their erection is not as good as it used to be, but they can still perform to a limited extent. Reduced erectile function is an entirely normal part of the ageing process, similar to eye sight deteriorating. But, of course, as it’s an intimate issue many simply suffer in silence whereas they find it easy to go to the optician or ophthalmologist.

There may be other physical and psychological factors causing the reduced function. The most common causes are cardiovascular conditions, chronic illnesses such as diabetes, high blood pressure, medication use, excessive alcohol consumption, smoking, stress and mental health problems – including performance anxiety and depression.

Adding to the challenge there are also a host of medications that can also impact on performance, including diuretics, blood pressure tablets, anti-anxiety and anti-depressants, antihistamines, muscle relaxants, chemotherapy as well as Parkinson’s disease and prostate cancer medications.

You don’t have to accept the situation. There are options. Here is what you can do to help your partner and rejuvenate your relationship.

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Want to Create Intimacy At Bedtime?…These Rituals Work for Every Couple

by zfortadminin Sex

The bedroom is a sacred space for a relationship, but it’s about more than just a good mattress, tranquil wall color and comfortable sheets.

You need also to keep consistent bedtime habits with your partner–the kind that almost dare you not to go to bed in total bliss.

Here are four bedtime rules & rituals that happy couples swear by:

They Go to Bed at the Same Time

Going to bed together is a sacred time, and a great opportunity for couples to connect and download their days. If one of you goes to sleep much earlier than the other, try to still make some time around whenever the earlier person goes to bed–even if you need to get up after they’ve gone to sleep.

They Kick Kids & Pets Out of the Bedroom

Bedtime is an intimate hour. Be vigilant about bedtime for the little ones, and make sure your pets have another comfortable place to sleep besides your bed.

They Cuddle Each Other

Physical touch is so important to a good relationship, and cuddling in bed is like a shortcut to intimacy. It’s science: According to The Telegraph, partners who sleep less than an inch apart are more likely to be happy in their relationship.

They Power Down Phones and Turn Off the TV

It’s better for your health and it’s better for your relationship. Without digital distractions, you’re leaving more of an opportunity to start meaningful conversations or, well, whatever else two adults might do in bed together.

What are your (PG-13) bedroom rules?

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Sexy Sounds During Lovemaking

by zfortadminin Sex

Making pleasure sounds wakes up our bodies and can actually begin our erotic arousal experience.

Most women use the “Quiet And Quick” rule when it comes to sex. We are taught to be quiet and to have sex as quickly as possible. Maybe it’s from our childhood, when self-pleasuring was something we had to keep secret. But the truth is that if we make sounds during sex, it does something magical to lovemaking. And if we start making sounds even before things get hot, we can increase pleasure both for ourselves and for our partners.

Think about it. Do you ever start to make “yummy” sounds BEFORE you eat an amazing meal? Does your anticipatory sounds increase your pleasure? You bet they do! That’s why we do it. When we allow sounds into our life we are actually moving sensual pleasure through our entire body. Think of sound as a pleasure appetizer! Making pleasure sounds wakes up our bodies and can actually begin our erotic arousal experience.

Sexy Sound Tips

1. Experiment with sexy sounds even before you are feeling “turned on.” Growling, purring, or any sound that feels sexy to you. Try allowing sound to be the beginning of an erotic experience rather than a byproduct. See what happens. How does your body feel?

2. Notice whether the addition of sexy orgasmic sounds to your lovemaking turns on your partner. I bet it does!

Hearing sexy sounds can be really encouraging to our sex partners. It’s like cheering them on as well as turning them on. Sex sounds are Sexy! And when we make happy, sexy sounds during sex, it lets our partners know that we are enjoying their touch.

3. Making sexy sounds gets us out of our heads and into our bodies! It’s kinda like saying “OM” during meditation. Making sounds quiets our minds and we stop thinking. Sex is about feeling and making sexy sounds can help us stay in the moment of erotic connection.

4. Try making sounds when you self-pleasure. See how that feels and how sexy sound-making can even change your “Sex For One” experiences. For extra bonus points try making sexy, orgasmic sounds before you even start to touch yourself. Let go. Nobody is watching or listening. See how your pleasure increases with the sounds that you are making. Don’t be afraid to let go. This is an exploration of pleasure and you are not being recorded. This is a judgement-free zone.

Curated by Timothy
Original Article

Musical Video to Honor the Clitoris

by zfortadminin Sex

What makes the clitoris special?

Here at Refinery29, we’re big fans of the clitoris. This noble structure has 8,000 sensory nerve endings (twice the number in the glans of a penis), and its only function is to make us feel good. Throughout history, though, the clitoris has been misunderstood, disparaged, or ignored. Not cool.

clitoris

clitoris

To celebrate the clit and nod to the rocky history of our men’s relationship with it, we asked musician and performance artist Dorian Electra to guide us through an ode to the most fun part of the female body. If you have never seen a singer rock it out in a fuzzy, sparkly, violently pink clitoris costume, let’s change that.

Curated by Steven
Original Article/Video

Long Distance Relationships: Do They Make the Heart Grow Fonder?

by zfortadminin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

…being in a long distance relationship, at least for some amount of time, has become a hallmark of modern dating.

Technology has had a huge impact on how we interact and participate in relationships. This goes double for long distance relationships.

The whole concept of LDRs has taken on new meaning thanks to Skype, FaceTime, and iMessage. To say that these types of relationships are “not what they used to be” would be a major understatement. Being in a long distance relationship for some period of time has become a hallmark of modern dating.

When it comes to long distance dating, there are two prevailing opinions that everyone seems to accept. However, they directly contradict each other.

Opinion 1. Are LDRs risky and destined to fail? Most friends and family will likely tell you this before you ignore them and decide to give it a try anyway.

Opinion 2. Or is there actually some truth behind the old saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder?

What does the research say?

As it turns out, recent research is on the side of LDR believers. A 2013 study published in the Journal of Communication set out to challenge the notion that long distance relationships are inherently less fulfilling and less sustainable than their geographically-close counterpart. The authors of the study, Crystal Jiang and Jeffrey Hancock, found that this type of partnership can actually form stronger bonds, promote deeper communication, and produce greater intimacy than traditional relationships. The reason for this is that long distance couples work harder to communicate affection and intimacy. They generally appreciate each other’s behaviors and actions more.

If this doesn’t convince you, another, more recent study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy last year found that there were no major differences in outcome predictors of long distance relationships and regular ones. This study, which asked participants to assess and measure the levels of intimacy, commitment, communication, and sexual satisfaction in their relationship, among other things, concluded that LDRs are not actually at a disadvantage.

There is no denying that dating long distance can be stressful, challenging, and oftentimes lonely. This doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s not worth trying. With the help of modern technology, it seems that LDR couples are finding more ways than ever to feel close to each other The extra effort and planning this requires actually brings greater rewards. Additionally, may people find that they are more independent and have more time to themselves. At the same time, they still enjoy the emotional benefits of being in a relationship.

However, there is a caveat…

One caveat to these studies is translating the extra effort and newfound emotional satisfaction back to a short-distance relationship. For a long-distance relationship to really work, the “long distance” part must come to an end at some point. When this happens, it may require some serious readjustment. And, unfortunately, more couples break up within the first three months living back in the same place than they do while living apart.

According to Jiang, long distance couples “tended to idealize their partners’ behaviors, perceiving them as more likely to share personal thoughts and feelings and more responsive to their own thoughts.” While this is beneficial during the time apart, the enhancement of positive feelings about the relationship might actually create false expectations about how things will be when the couple reunites. As Jiang explains, “[t]he positive illusion goes away when they spend more time together.”

While LDRs can foster healthy behaviors in each individual and promote optimistic feelings about the strength and value of the relationship, these things ultimately need to exist in the relationship whether it’s long distance or not. As Andrew Merolla, an associate professor of communication theory, sees it, the strength of a long distance relationship depends on the strength of the relationship itself. As such, the outcome of either is likely going to depend on the couple’s ability to find a balance — whether that means creating a little more space when there isn’t enough, or working to make every interaction count when there’s too much.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Should This Government Fund Sex Workers for Disabled People?

by zfortadminin Sex

Being disabled does not make someone less human but should the Government pay for sex workers?

Should the Government fund sex workers for disabled people?

The controversial question was posed on TV3’s Story last week with one young man’s call for such support for himself and other disabled people.

It has opened debate on what some would say is a taboo topic; disabled people, sex and sexual relationships.

For many people the idea of disabled people needing or wanting sex seems to be something entirely new to think about.

However, for many disabled people – and for CCS Disability Action – this topic isn’t new. But it is complex.

Sex for non-disabled and disabled people alike is an individual issue. People have different needs, expectations and of course different experiences. So, it’s personal. Which makes asking people to help – or to support you to have sex – a very intimate act in itself.

Perhaps to some degree it’s even more intimate and courageous than the sex act itself.

Admitting you can’t find someone to love you or want you, and that you need help to feel the touch of someone else must be an incredibly humbling and vulnerable experience.

As an organisation supporting disabled people across the country for eight decades now, CCS Disability Action has been trying to give as much dignity and discretion to this issue as possible. But we haven’t ignored it. We support disabled people to learn about sex, talk about it – and yes – experience it.

What we believe is that everyone we support is a unique person with very human needs. Being disabled does not make someone less human.

So, we’ve partnered with other organisations to run sex education workshops for parents and teens, including the upcoming sex and intimacy workshop for young people at our national youth-focused event The Gathering in Wellington this weekend.

We also support disabled people to talk to family and loved ones about their sexual orientation and we help adults to find and access sex workers.

This help is given when we’re invited in. We understand not everyone wants us in their lives, knowing their most personal desires. We respect that.

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Doing Relationships Right Based on Watching My Parents Do It All Wrong

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

I learned that when you remained calm, you could actually have an intelligent conversation and come to an agreement without ever raising your voice. It was groundbreaking.

When I was 5 years old, my dad was using hard drugs and my mom was cheating on him. I don’t know who earned the title of chicken and who of egg, or which came first, but the end result was the same. I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional household where everyone was walking on eggshells. It was clearly an environment ill-suited to the healthy development of young kids.

Thankfully, I was too young to remember a lot of it or I blocked it out. Relatives tell me that I didn’t talk for months at a time as a kid (something that’s hard to believe, since my verbosity has more than made up for it since).

My parents eventually had a reckoning, pledged to clean up their act, and decided to try to save their marriage. While they did, in fact, stay together — and as far as I know, got sober and honest — they continued to fight like cats and dogs. The water under the bridge was at constant high tide, sloshing with resentment and distrust. And my brother and I were the innocent fish caught in the fury. I remember having to put on my headphones and blast Gloria Estefan cassette tapes on my boom box just to stay sane and drown out my parents’ constant bickering.

Growing up, there was not a night that went by in my house without raised voices, tear-stained cheeks, and all-around bad feelings. In fact, after more than three decades of nearly constant battling, it’s almost a miracle that my parents are still together. I say “almost,” because it’s possible it would have been better for everyone if they had split.

I know my story isn’t unique. In fact, I personally don’t know anyone who had a “normal” household growing up. Regardless, like many of my peers who survived dysfunctional childhoods, I made a conscious decision the moment I set foot into the adult world at age 18 that I wasn’t going to make the same mistakes my parents made. Of course, like many others, I also went on to make a lot of the same mistakes my parents made. I watched the patterns of dysfunction play out in my dating life throughout my late teens and early 20s, as I picked partners who familiarly reeked of high drama. I set myself up for failure without even realizing I had a choice in the matter.

When I reached my mid-20s and narrowly squeezed out of yet another relationship earmarked by substance abuse and infidelity, I finally caught my breath long enough to realize that I could take control of the situation and shape my own future. I think a part of me knew I had to get these bad experiences under my belt before I could clear the cobwebs enough to realize functionality and happiness were my actual desires for long-term commitment.

Then, I met my now-wife.

I THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT I WITNESSED WITH MY PARENTS AND REALIZED I HAD BEEN ACTING AS IF I WERE THEM OR SOMEHOW STILL UNDER THEIR SPELL.

From day one, my wife has been a true beacon of normalcy. My love and respect for her was so pure that I knew I had no choice but to get in line and become the partner I was meant to be. Before this relationship, every time tension arose, my default was to erupt in a pile of stinky dysfunction filled with finger-pointing and epithets. But with my wife, I completely changed my conflict patterns and started doing something amazing, instead.

I stopped and allowed myself time to process.

I thought about what I witnessed time and again with my parents and realized I had been acting as if I were them or somehow still under their spell. I told myself that I was my own person. I could rise above this and choose to be the adult in the relationship that I had never observed, but knew in my heart I had always wanted.

So, I did the exact opposite of what I saw my parents do.

I pretended that instead of winning an argument (whatever “winning” means, because there’s really no such thing), my goal was to preserve the sanctity of peace and love between me and this woman I respected the hell out of. I learned that when you remained calm, you could actually have an intelligent conversation and come to an agreement without ever raising your voice. It was groundbreaking.

Every time we resolved a dispute using actual listening and polite words, I felt like I had won the lottery. I could sense myself drifting further and further away from the paradigm that was my parents and the way I thought things had to be.

Over the seven years my wife and I have been together, we’ve raised our voices fewer times than I can count on my hand. That doesn’t mean we’ve repressed issues of importance or ignored problems. It doesn’t mean we’re saints who never face the same problems as every other couple. It just means we make a conscious effort to uphold compassion and respect as our pillars. The rest sort of melts away as less important and we’re able to just talk.

Am I mad at my parents for creating a hostile environment? No. Quite the opposite, actually. I’m grateful my parents showed me exactly what not to do so I could grow up to create the home I had only dreamt of under the drowned sound of yelling and the thump of Gloria Estefan blasting in my ears.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Wedding Night Sex

by zfortadminin Sex

If you’re hell-bent on having sex on your wedding night, set yourself up for “tired people sex.”

You may be looking forward to your wedding night with as much feverish excitement as you do your wedding day. But while society still suggests that every couple should have super-hot sex after a long day of planning and partying, the reality is that most couples are lucky if they manage to kiss goodnight before falling asleep.

If you think that sucks, take note: when it comes to your wedding night, our experts say the key is to plan for the worst and hope for the best.

Here we share tips to help you manage your wedding night expectations while preparing for a memorable and intimate evening whether it leads to sex or not.

Redefine what the night should be

You may not be able to control whether or not your new spouse get hot-and-heavy in your hotel room, but you can temper your expectations so that you don’t experience disappointment.

Wedding night sex falls short because history has created unrealistic expectations of what that sex should be. In short, we hold ourselves to unfair and unattainable standards about what wedding night sex should be based on stories we’ve been told by others.”

So rather than think of your wedding night as the opportunity to have the best sex of your lives, see the evening as an opportunity for an intimate rather than sexual encounter.

Sharing a bath, giving one another a massage, or using sensual touching creates intimacy and results in partners feeling connected to one another. Connection and intimacy create desire, and desire is what is truly necessary for satisfying sex.

If you’re hell-bent on having sex on your wedding night, set yourself up for “tired people sex.” This kind of sex is “nothing fancy  just lazy kind of sex.” By knowing fireworks don’t have to fly, you may be able to have your physical needs met without jumping through hoops for which you have zero energy.

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If Men Menstruated…

by zfortadminin Sex

I can’t possibly start this article without referring to one of my favorite feminist essays by Gloria Steinem, “If Men Could Menstruate.”

Steinem, the face of progressive female movements for several decades, wrote this biting piece in 1978 for Ms. Magazine.

It explores a world where we treat women’s sexual health in the same way that we treat men’s sexual health. Most notably, it illustrates how we would be dedicating more time, energy and money to researching menstruation — understanding its risk and benefits, identifying symptoms, developing products to manage and medications to mitigate it.

Whether or not we truly see the implication of it in our everyday lives, funding, and therefore effort, invested in researching women’s sexual health is far lower than that dedicated to men.

Not only are women underrepresented in biomedical studies that explore prevention, diagnosis and treatment of disease, but also topics that address female sexual health are poorly researched in general.

Despite an entire industry dedicated to exploring, enhancing and glorifying men’s sexual health, there has been very little work done on this front for women.

This means that we still don’t understand many of the unique, complex and variable processes involved in female sexual health.

Despite what the media implies, it is 100 percent NORMAL for women (and men, for that matter!) to experience fluctuations in our desire for intimacy, sex and pleasure.

While we know that women’s sexuality is not so simple that taking a single pill will result in arousal, we don’t yet appreciate all the multi-faceted factors that DO contribute to pleasure and libido for women.

Until recently, our research on sex and sexuality has assumed (the way that it did for all biomedical studies) that men and women’s bodies respond in the same way to external and internal stimuli.

We are finally beginning to accept that this is not the case and that female sexual health is a topic all its own … and a very valid one.

Fiera® is one of the companies in the United States currently performing research and developing products with women’s health and sexuality specifically in mind. They are beginning to utilize new understandings of the female sexual response cycle to create technology that helps women get “in the mood” when they want to be.

Fiera is scientifically proven to enhance arousal and lubrication for women. The product was built with couples in mind to help improve overall intimacy.

In the U.S., roughly 46% of all American women, aged 18-70 have a sexual concern. While sex can sometimes be difficult to talk about, it’s an important conversation to have. Fiera is encouraging women to talk about their concerns and help normalize the conversation around sex.

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Clearing Sexual Numbness

by zfortadminin Mind, Sex

Learn to feel and bring that beautiful deep breath and responsiveness into intimacy with a partner. Your orgasms will change, your whole body will respond differently…

What if you made ecstasy part of your daily spiritual practice? How would that change the richness and the quality of your life? If you want to reclaim your sexuality, and learn how to live on the ecstatic spectrum, do yoga. You don’t need to learn 450 positions; that won’t do it if you’re numb. Clearing the numbness is the first step to owning and celebrating your sexuality. Practice playing with sensating individually and with your partner, and you will have sensational sex!

Viscerally explore how to wake your skin up. Tactile sensation starts with the skin and vibrates inward. Sex isn’t just about the “sexual” organs. Involve the whole skin and body. Enjoy learning different qualities of touch and sensation — it’s essential, and fun!

Here’s a good exercise to stay connected and track feeling. Inhale, running your finger from inside of wrist to elbow, deliberately inviting in all sensations. Exhale, go back down from elbow to wrist studying, through feeling, the difference between sensating with inhale and exhale. Track what part of that you can feel. Any feeling is a win.

For a long time I couldn’t do this. I challenged myself to learn how to feel a subtle touch and enjoy that. Cats are good teachers that way, because if you pet one correctly, it purrs and feels good. Learn to touch yourself and your partner in a way that makes you both purr! If you are a dog person, when you rub your dog just right, it wriggles in ecstasy. That’s a clue you’re on the right track!

In choosing to become a whole person, I had to explore what it means to be sexual in a way I could respect. I decided to cleanse the taint of abuse and insane cultural conditioning from my sexuality and my cell tissue. As I explored this, I realized that many of us don’t know how to be sexual in a way that is healthy and authentic. I am learning, (and so can you), to put my conditioning aside and feel what it means to play with and enjoy sexual energy as a way both for sacred connection and for good, sweaty fun.

I started teaching my body how to feel pleasure, because it didn’t know how. I began to hunt my sexuality and learn how to avidly ride those energies internally, instead of shutting down around them. I began doing my practice in way that ran pleasurable energy. Wow, just ride that wave! Moving with awareness from subtle sensations all the way to a huge rush, without shutting down, was good training for sexuality. One of my quantum leaps was learning how to use my orgasm muscles in my yoga practice! That’s fun!

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