It takes more than a bubble bath
The advice often given in magazines is that candle-lit baths and cuddles will solve many psychological problems with desire, but it has been pointed out that this advice is aimed at women and doesn’t resonate for most men or gay couples. In my experience, it does tend to be women who present at counselling more regularly, saying they have “gone off sex” but over recent years there has been a significant increase of the number of men expressing the same concern. This tends to be linked to the often remarked difference between women and men – that women need to feel loved in order to want sex and men need to have sex in order to feel loved. Of course this isn’t the same for everyone, but it’s a common theme that comes up.
If you are struggling with desire, see your doctor first to discuss possible physical causes. Once this is ruled out, you may want to get the help of a relationship counsellor or sex therapist in order to explore underlying issues.
For many people, reigniting your feelings for your partner through talking and sharing more deeply is enough to get desire back on track. As the well-known sexologist, Esther Perel says, “mating in captivity” gets boring and sexual desire thrives on newness and surprise as much as it does on love and caring.
Too much togetherness can dampen passion as quickly as years of doing the “same old same old”. Changing your routines can help you to see your partner in a different and fresh light, reminding you of the person you fell in love with. Getting a motorbike and heading off into a forest for some outdoor sex has re-lit the fire under more than one couple I’ve worked with.
In Relate’s 2015 report, The Way We Are Now, with Marriage Care and Relationships Scotland, two thirds of respondents said their sex life is important but fewer than half felt satisfied and a surprising 51 per cent said they hadn’t had sex in the last month. This could suggest a disjoint between the fantasy and reality and that couples find it difficult to ask for help with their sex life.
As our culture moves from a binary view of sexuality, towards more fluid ideas about sex and gender, I hope we stop seeing penetrative, heterosexual sex as the gold standard by which sexual performance “should” be measured. Instead of glorifying orgasm, we could start loving with our whole bodies in a more relaxed fashion, using touch, teasing and talk to bring pleasure, fun, variety and passion into our lives.
Curated by Erbe
Original Article