Crave This in Your Relationship?

What’s Your Perfect First Sequence – Sex or Intimacy?

Men and Sex

Women feel intimacy and closeness when they talk, touch, and share their thoughts and feelings with a loved one. They are usually more interested in intimacy than in sex of and for itself.

A feeling of intimate closeness takes time to develop. Therefore, women want to take their time with a relationship. They want to go through the stages of getting to know the man, becoming friends, touching, kissing, hugging and showing affection. Eventually they get around to sex when they feel closeness and believe they are in love.

If women typically require closeness and intimacy before they experience “good sex,” does that mean they can’t and won’t have sex before they feel intimate? No, it means that sex is often not satisfying, even when orgasm takes place, without that close feeling.

When some women feel pressure to have sex before they are ready, they think, “This man doesn’t love me for me. He only loves me for what he can get.”

They might even develop resentments toward men in general.

Men, Sex and Feelings

Women are probably even more of a puzzle to men than men are to women. Even though women are important to men, they live in this mysterious other world of menses and babies and rampant emotions and even tears that men can’t or don’t want to understand.

This man who is notoriously poor at figuring out his own feelings is even worse at figuring out the feelings of a woman. Just deciding what a woman wants from him in general is fraught with danger.

Many men see sex, though, as a way to get close to women, and possibly, even a way to please them. The fact that they are usually wrong, of course, doesn’t stop a man from thinking sex can make everything right with his woman. A cure-all of great proportions… “All she needs is a good f___ ,” is a common solution to male – female problems for many men.

Very seldom is that what she needs but that is another story…

“Don’t Push Me So Hard For Sex” Women Want Time Before Sex

One young woman told me that she has to have time before sex to get to know and trust a man. She has to see him in different situations, with different people, and talk to him for hours before she will “allow” herself to even consider sex.

She continued, “One guy I dated pushed so hard for sex, that I gave in before I was ready. But that made sex basically unsatisfying. Even though chemistry was there at first, I lost interest sexually. Once I decided he wasn’t a good lover, I was ready to move on. We never gave real love a chance.”

Another women agreed that time is necessary to feel a real desire for sex. She said, “If a man pushes me to sex too quickly, the relationship rarely gets much further than a few trips to bed. Then they (men) are hurt and can’t understand why I don’t stay in love with them. They don’t get it-I never was in love with them.”

Most women agree that men who push for sex before the woman is ready had better be really good in bed. Unfortunately, this is unlikely to happen.

For whatever reason, women are a diverse group in terms of what produces pleasurable sex. It is a rare man that can be a good lover to a woman without a certain amount of experience with that particular woman.

Women can forgive fumbling, partial or non-existent erections, and premature ejaculations when they are in love. They can even call up a certain acting ability in the name of love. But when love has not been given the time it takes to grow for the woman, she often labels the man a poor lover and the relationship is stillborn in the bedroom.

Some women learn to look at sexual-timing incompatibilities with humor. One lady said, “I used to resent being pushed for sex. Now I get amused at all these guys and their gropings. Most of them end up providing me with a few funny stories to tell my girlfriends. I certainly don’t fall in love with them, but I don’t get mad at them anymore either.”

And still others avoid sex. These women feel if they put themselves in the position to get what they want: affection, touching, and cuddling, they will have to do battle not to have sex.

So some women do without desired affection, particularly in the beginning of a relationship, to avoid pressure to have sex.

Why Women and Men Have Different Sex Timeframes

How can women and men have such different timeframes for the beginning of sex in a relationship? Two reasons stand out:

  1. Our society teaches females that “nice girls don’t.” When society has taught this lesson for years, it is hard to suddenly feel sexual, even when hormones start raging in adolescence.
  2. And, probably because of the lessons of their youth, women reach their sexual peak in their mid-to-late thirties or even later, rather than when teen-age hormones first kick-in.

Age is a leveler

As men and women get older, women usually become more interested in sex for the sake of sex, and most men learn to curb some of their sexual impatience, giving closeness and love a chance to flourish. So, for many single men and women, it can be true: love and sex are both more wonderful the second time around.

Without a doubt, the sexual revolution changed the sex scene for women. Fewer virgins at marriage; more women with multiple sex partners; more women having affairs; more women having sex openly, more women opting for sex only rather than marriage, etc.

Some women felt this was a change for the better. Others saw it as unfavorable.

The Changing Sexual Attitudes and Behaviors of Women

Working outside the home also changed women’s attitudes toward sex.

The Janus Report on Sexual Behavior by Samuel Janus, Ph.D. and Cynthia Janus, M.D., copyright 1993, had some eye-opening observations along this line. They wrote, “Our study has documented many levels of sexual and social changes for both women and men in the early 1990s, but we acknowledge that women’s, not men’s, sexual attitudes and behavior have drastically changed within the past two decades.

“The enormous and ongoing change in women’s social and sex lives has separated women into entirely different groups.”

The Janus’ write, “Work-life and a workplace outside the home have given a new focus to many women’s lifestyles. The innovations transcend income earned or the nature of the work performed; more significantly, they involve a personal sense of identity that sets these women apart.”

They continued, “In the women-C (career women) and the women-H (homemaker women) groups, we found that we had two distinctly different populations, regarding sex life and life-style in general.

“Women who work part-time outside the home offered responses that were almost always between those of the women-C and women-H groups.”


But more interesting still was another observation of The Janus Report, “One of the most striking indications of our data involves the unprecedented levels of agreement between men and women-C (those who work full-time outside of the home), as compared to women-H, who do not work outside of the home at all. New levels of sexual affinity and relatedness can also be observed, in sharp contrast to the stereotypical sexual roles men and women have had assigned to them in the past.”

They concluded, “No longer does the man alone decide the mode of sexual gratification; most often, the couple decides together.”

The sexual revolution was followed by the reality of Herpes and AIDS and the need for safe sex. Many experts predicted a slow down for sex in general and certainly a slow down for those out in the less-safe singles’ world.

Dr. and Dr. Janus found the experts were wrong.

They reported, “Approximately one-quarter of the men (24%) and one-fifth of the women (20%) had much more sex activity. When we combined sex activity.”

They continued, “Perhaps not too surprisingly, the homemakers increased their sexual activity more than the career women did (43% versus 37%). We felt justified in assuming that more homemakers than career women were in ongoing monogamous relationships.”

Certainly a major sexual change has taken place in American society. Assertiveness regarding the “when, where, and why” of sex rather than passive acquiescence to sex is now a prerogative exercised by many American women.

If the Janus’ observations are accurate, much of this sexual change was brought about by women taking jobs outside the home and acquiring a heightened sense of personal identity.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Pros-Cons: Is Having Sex With Your Roommate Okay?

One word. Don’t. Don’t even think of it. Do yourself a favor.

Sex with your housemate alters the comfortable, familiar, even familial relationship you had before. Really. Sex is like that. There is a reason it is called making love. In reality, there are only two long-term scenarios going forward. One— you live happily ever after as a couple that might as well be married. Two—one of you loses your home.

The first scenario does happen. The second is much more common. Yahoo! Answers are full of young women agonizing about how to handle her feelings for the guy after a night…well, you know… They were watching a movie and he starts massaging and well, you know, one thing lead to another. Or they became very close when they both had relationships break up and, well, you know.. . Or they went out drinking, and, well, you know… Its easy to get caught up in the passion of the moment and to tell yourself, “its just sex.” Better to be wise, put on the brakes and ask yourself, “Is this worth it?”

The problem for housemates who have sex is that the relationship changes. Having carnal knowledge of each other, they are no longer just housemates. They might become a couple. They might even be a happy couple, for how long? How do they manage it if one person wants to break up? You see? Someone moves out.. But probably not before pain and hurt.

More common is that the relationship between the two who slept together goes wonky pretty quickly. One person’s fling is another person’s crush. Emotions are stirred, expectations created, the relationship is no longer easy and comfortable.

There is a loss of independence and privacy. What happens when one makes plans that doesn’t include the other? When you are upset and angry because you are hurt and you encounter each other in the kitchen? What happens when one goes out on a date? Or worse, brings home a different partner? In other words, someone – maybe both people – get hurt. Eventually, one of the housemates moves out but probably not without some stormy and painful experiences.

So if you want to keep your home a comfortable place to be, do not get sexually involved with a housemate.

For housemates to live together comfortably, it is good to impose a complete and utter taboo on sex with each other. I call it The Incest Taboo and it is my fourth principle for living with housemates successfully.

Yes, of course, there are exceptions to this rule. It might happen that two people who get to know each other in the daily rhythms of life find themselves falling in love. I heartily suggest a long conversation about what this means to you and how you will manage it before falling into bed. And if you can’t have a heart-to-heart real conversation about life and love, then you don’t have the communication to manage the changed relationship. If you are going to have a love affair, one of you should move out first, then see if the relationship works. I heard of a couple that did this. They met in a group home and started really liking each other. She moved out so that they could date. They are married now.

Do yourself a favor, have an incest taboo. With a firm taboo in place, a housemate relationship can be wonderful—kind of like having a brother or a sister.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Can Sexual Fantasy Boost Your Sex Life Naturally?

The gift of fantasy has meant more to me than my talent for absorbing positive knowledge. ~ Einstein

The sexiest part of the human body lies in the brain, specifically our limbic brain, where our libido resides alongside our processing of emotions, memory and scent.

One of the quickest and most assured routes to sexual arousal is through fantasy. We use our imaginative capacity all the time during our waking lives as we envision all the possible futures that our daily life could result in…or even in the most negative of circumstances when we allow ourselves to ruminate and overthink bad outcomes for our relationships and aspirations.

Yet when it comes to the mysterious sexual fantasy life that lives somewhere in all of us we often keep the door locked.

In this Green Divas Eco-Sexy episode, I talk about how fantasy turns on our engines. Listen, and then read on for more about embracing healthy fantasy.

Allowing yourself the freedom to explore your sexual fantasies by yourself or with your partner is one of the most common sexual acts we share as human beings. In fact, in a recent research study on sex in America, the majority of men and women reported having fantasies while having sex. Some studies report this percentage to be as high as 60-90 percent for both men and women.

The Kinsey research concurred with this data and showed even higher percentages during masturbation. In fact, using sexual fantasy as the fuel for early eroticism is for most of us our first sexual act. Boys start having sexual fantasies as early as 11-13. For girls, fantasy usually begins later in their teens and early 20s.

Tell your stories

Telling our stories is integral to being human, and sexual fantasies transform and inspire during sex. In fact, mounting research suggests that the ability and freedom to entertain fantasies actually increases the health of both sexual arousal and desire.

Yet many people feel uncomfortable with the stories that spontaneously occur to them in the course of their sexual adventures. This is one of the first and often persistent internal spaces where our doubts about our sexual “normalcy” are instigated. Most sex therapists recommend adopting a “no mind-crime policy” for your fantasy life. I remember the remarkable passion that emerged in my own sex life when I stopped trying to suppress the stories that emerged during intimacy.

Given that our sexuality is one of the most mysterious ways that we relate to our partners, it isn’t all that surprising that our range of sexual fantasies is as rich and diverse as we are. Erotica and pornography explore many common fantasy themes of submission, dominance, and even forms of pain infliction, which can be both arousing and disturbing at the same time.

Just because you have fantasies about being sexually overpowered does not mean that you actually want to have the experience. Even the very common fantasy of having multiple sex partners doesn’t necessarily translate into an interest in playing it out in 3D.

Although I often feel like my husband is interacting with me in my fantasies, I rarely ever verbalize my thoughts. For other couples I know, they have elaborate games where they both share and agree to act out their fantasies together. When it comes to a shared fantasy life, it’s critical to be both conscious and communicative about your comfort level and your boundaries. Being able to speak openly about the role of fantasy in lovemaking and agree on what should and shouldn’t be shared provides a respectful space for fantasy to exist between you.

Women Want Sex, Too

Although we have come pretty far as a society in understanding that women are just as sexual as men, the cliché still exists that when it comes to desires men have more of them and more often, too.

But, of course, that’s far from true and any woman who’s embraced her sexuality can confirm that wholeheartedly. But because stereotypes surrounding women and sex still exist, Kindara, a fertility awareness app, set out to see what stereotypes could be confirmed and what could be finally thrown out.

The survey by Kindara researched the sex lives of 500 women between the ages of 18 and 65. They examined sexual desire, orgasm frequency, and just how important women feel sex is to their relationship. Overwhelmingly, although not surprisingly, Kindara found that women do put some heavy importance on sex with the majority of them wanting it more than they’re getting it. Apparently once a week just won’t cut it for the majority of ladies out there.

What the results of the survey reveal, among other things, is that women are equal to men when it comes to sexual desires and to assume otherwise is wrong. Thinking that women are somehow less interested in sex is simply a decades-old thinking that needs to cease. Here are six facts about women’s sexuality that Kindara uncovered in their survey.

1. The Majority Of Women Think Sex Is Very Important To A Relationship

According to the survey, 89.2 percent of women think that sex is “very” or “somewhat” important to their overall relationship satisfaction, which makes perfect sex. Happy relationships are the ones where sex and intimacy reign supreme.

2. Over Half Of Women Want More Sex

Although we’re supposed to believe that it’s women who are holding out in the bedroom while men want more sexy times, Kindara found out something else: It’s the ladies who want more. Of those surveyed, 53.2 percent of women want more sex than they’re currently getting from their partner. In fact, less than half, at 46.8 percent, felt satisfied in having their sexual desires fulfilled.

3. Over 60 Percent Of Women Want Sex Three To Five Times A Week

In findings that really blew archaic stereotypes out the window, 60.8 percent of women desire sex three to five times a week. But for some women even that’s not enough! According to the survey, 10.2 percent of women want sex six to eight times a week ― who has enough time in the week for such a thing?!

4. Majority Of Women Put Emotional Connection Above All Else When It Comes To Sex

We hear a lot about how women love foreplay ― and we do! ― but as Kindara found what we like even more than foreplay is having an emotional connection. Of those surveyed, 53.2 percent felt that an emotional was essential for great sex, 23.6 percent believed foreplay was a deciding factor in awesome sex, and 10.4 percent rated communication as most important.

5. Most Women Orgasm At Least Once During Sex

Although women reaching orgasm still remains a struggle for many, the good news is that the amount of women who are able to orgasm at least once during sex is at 72.6 percent. Within that range, 38.6 percent had an orgasm once, 10.2 percent had multiple orgasms, and 23.8 percent could report that they had an orgasm “often.”

6. Stress Is The One Thing That Can Mess With A Woman’s Sex Drive

For 39.2 percent of women, stress is the top factor that can negatively affect their sex life. The other top culprits that can make a woman not want to get it on are being out of sync with their partners at 28.2 percent, not being in the mood at 20.2 percent, and struggling with their self-image at 20 percent. For 18 percent of women, there are no factors, like none at all, that stand in the way of them having sex.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Slow Sex or Hot Sex: What is More Fulfilling?

Slow sex or Hot sex?

Couples often tell me they like their hot sex life and wonder why my partner, Tim and I are so enchanted by slow sex. The answer is simple. We both liked our hot sex life too but we were aware – as Tim had been reading spiritual teacher Barry Long’s books like – Making Love: Sexual Love the Divine Way – that there was another kind of making love available which meant we could rise to new levels of connection with each other in a soul/spiritual way.

Over the years, we have gradually learnt to be with each other in a different way, in a more present way, in a more heart-open way, in a way where we profoundly relax into each other because orgasm is not the goal, we find that another more soulful sexual energy arises.

Sometimes, I describe our sex life before as like paddling in a stream, whereas now we are swimming freely in the wide-open ocean. It’s a time we decide to spend together consciously where we might be gazing at one another while Tim’s penis is inside me, or he might be holding my breasts, or I might be holding his penis. Or simply lying together naked gently caressing each other. This and much more is all slow sex.

There is a misnomer with regards to slow sex, it does not mean being still all the time. Slow sex refers to the idea that you become more conscious and aware of what you are doing and how you are doing it, it means to take time to become present in your own body so that you can truly be present with each other. That’s the most significant guideline and it does take time and practice.

The other day I was talking to a male friend and he said that he and his ex-partner of 8 years, never gazed at each other when they were making love. He sounded sad when he said it. Often because it requires a level of vulnerability, couples find it difficult to connect intimately while having sex. Over the years, this is what we have discovered and why we’re so keen to support other couples find this new level with each other.

However there are no rules involved. Slow sex may include a lot of movement, and it may not. It’s very much about the freedom to be real with each other and to inhabit that moment as fully as possible. And it’s not about taking hours to do it. Sometimes, we spend as little as 20 or 30 minutes connecting in this way, and it’s enough to ground us in loving relationship which helps us feel bonded with ourselves and with each other for the rest of the day.

I recommend slow sex on other levels as well. For instance, it enhances my sense of well-being, my inner peace and increases my levels of loving generosity too, which in turn affects my other relationships and interactions in the world. It also has an effect on my creativity. I have some of my best ideas while hanging out making love.

In her book Slow Sex: The Path to Fulfilling and Sustainable Sex, Diana Richardson describes slow sex as a revolutionary practice for couples to enhance sexuality and reach a higher state of consciousness. She also talks about how slow sex is a way to increase sensitivity and that is certainly what has happened to Tim and I. Sex that focuses on orgasm as a goal means you are constantly looking ahead, not really present, while slow sex enables you both to simply focus on the myriad of subtle delightful feelings all along the way.

5 Keys to Slow Sex

1) Slow sex turns sex into a conscious decision rather than an accidental encounter.

2) Focusing on eye contact, subtle sensations and deep breathing, slow sex awakens the body’s innate mechanism for ecstasy.

3) Slow sex transforms sex into a meditative, loving union of complementary equal and opposite forces and energies.

4) With the emphasis on coolness rather than heat, this practice provides couples with a way to achieve higher consciousness.

5) The practice of slow sex includes deep penetration as well as soft penetration and offers a style that can be enjoyed well into old age.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Intimate Cuddling Positions For Bonding With Your Man

One of the best ways to bond with your man is snuggling. It releases the hormone oxytocin, your body’s love signal.

Physical contact is also a fun way to spend time together, and gives you lots of opportunity for pillow talk. The best cuddling positions are dependent on your mood and situation, but here are ten great options for day or night.


This cuddling position is one of the absolute best ways to spend super-close, super-snuggly time together. Spooning involves lying on your side in the same direction as your guy, and cuddling up with your rear up against his front just like in the picture above. Plus, most women are smaller than men, which means they fit perfectly into the contours of their favorite guy’s body.

This is an all-purpose position that doesn’t require a soft bed or couch, since you’re lying on your side, so it works well for picnics in the park, camping, and other outdoorsy moments.


Of course, you can also reverse this cuddling position. Men like to feel cared for and protected too, so give your guy those feelings he craves by wrapping your arms around him and cuddling up to his back. This is a perfect way to incorporate a backrub too, which is sure to up your guy’s love for you. Or reach around and grab his hands for total entwinement.


We tend to think of cuddling as an after-sex activity, but some cozy snuggles can also get things going, and lying on your guy’s stomach is one of the best cuddling positions for this. When he’s on his back, turn over and lay partially on him, with your head on his chest and your torso on his torso.

This is a perfect arrangement for lying and talking for hours or slowly moving toward something sexier. For extra steaminess, start in this cuddling position with your clothes on and slowly take them off, piece by piece.


This position for cuddling requires some serious commitment, because you have to climb all the way on top of your man. Therefore it probably isn’t the best bet if you guys aren’t lying on something comfortable, but either way, it’s bound to be cozy for you! Have him spread his legs a bit so you can fit one of yours between his for extra closeness. It’s also the perfect position to start the Man Missionary position from.


This position for cuddling is excellent for watching a movie, eating snacks, chilling out or watching the sun set. Because it’s far more appropriate than most of the lying-down positions, you don’t need to worry about keeping it ‘clean’ for your grandmother or little brothers. That makes it a good way to stay close even on a busy day or when there are lots of people around, which is good, because on these days you both often need an extra hit of love and TLC.

It’s also perfect for moving into something like the Back Seat Driver sex position.


Of course, this is another of those cuddling positions that bears a large resemblance to sexy times, but it doesn’t have to result in amorous activities like the good old fashioned Missionary position. Lying underneath your guy is a great way to feel close to one another and to lay face to face, or can offer great opportunities for a little low-stakes making out that goes nowhere…perfect for a quiet evening in.


One of the coziest cuddling positions for talking, snuggling face to face offers you lots of opportunity to gaze lovingly at your man. Simply turn toward each other in the bed or even on a couch, holding hands or putting your arms around each other like in the Lotus position. If you like, you can even curl your legs up into a fetal position and he can bend his body around you for even more closeness.

What’s not to like?

But keep in mind that during the day, this position offers lots of opportunity for your guy to notice your hair and face, so it may not be the best approach after a late night or when your mascara needs washing off.


This cuddling position gives you both a little more freedom of movement. Simply lie down on your tummies and reach into the shared space (which some of us think of as “the neutral zone”) to hold hands. This is perfect for slowly falling asleep with some contact, or for talking till dawn. More of a back sleeper? No problem … this works equally well for those that prefer to lay on their bums, and can even be adapted so that one member of the couple lies one way and one lies the other.


If you enjoy snuggled up legs, you might like a cuddling position that leaves your torsos and arms free to do what they like and entwines your legs together. This position can work with you facing each other, with one of you spooning the other, or with both of you on your stomachs or backs. Simply entangle your legs, wrapping yours around his and playing footsie if you get the opportunity!


A great cuddling position for falling asleep, snuggling up back to back allows you to feel your guy’s warmth and appreciate his proximity without having to do much. It’s best for cozying up under warm blankets as you drift off and gaze out the window or enjoy a little late-night pillow talk. You can even reach behind you and grab a hand.

Working on your relationship can take many forms, but one of the easiest and most enjoyable ways to do it is simply to snuggle up. Take every opportunity you can to get close to your man in the living room, out in public, and especially in the bedroom. You’ll be glad you did!

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Best Reasons to Hold Out (for Sex)

The discussion about whether holding out is going to make a guy more interested in a serious relationship than he would be if you guys do the deed early–I’ll say that I agree with my guy friends.

My sense is that it doesn’t matter how long you wait to have sex.

Regardless, I recently decided I’m not going to have sex with any new guy until I’ve been dating him at least two months.


Well, I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum. I’ve waited too long to have sex–and I’ve done it too soon. Neither is so great.

As I think I’ve mentioned, I didn’t lose my virginity till I was TWENTY-EIGHT YEARS OLD–which is an example of waiting a little too long. I was waiting to find the one true love of my life, so I told myself. That kind of thing might work out well in certain Amish, Hasidic or Muslim communities, but I run with a crowd that is, dare I say, a little more hip than that. And if I had to do it all over again, I’d have gotten the whole virginity thing out of the way A LOT SOONER. Waiting for marriage does not seem terribly worth doing, to me.

After becoming de-virginized, I have waited different amounts of time to have sex, depending on the guy. For instance, I knew my pal Jake Stein for more than a year before we even started dating. On the other hand, I slept with another guy on our second date–not usually the way I roll. But it felt so right–and he was so willing to wait, and so sweet about doing whatever I wanted to do–that I didn’t question it at all. He and I agreed that night to stop seeing other people, and we went on to date for four months, which is close to a record amount of time for me.

However, very recently, I had a bad experience after having sex too early on–after dating a very mature 25-year-old guy for less than a month. Before we met, he’d made it perfectly clear that he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship; and after we met, he told me he’s planning on leaving New York once he finishes up grad school next year … whereas I have no plans to leave anytime soon. Regardless, I thought I could handle having a short-term thing with him (perhaps in part because I was so intoxicated by his ridiculously sexy body). So eventually, I decided, eh, what the hell, I’d give in to his demands! I’d go for it. So we did the deed a few times. But shortly thereafter, saying he wanted to save both of us the pain of getting more deeply involved in an affair that would have to end before long (huh?), he called it off. It felt very abrupt, and it was very painful for me.

So yes, I’ve decided to wait for two months. Here are all the arguments in favor of my decision:

1) Women (esp. me) have much stronger emotional reactions to sex than men do.

Studies have shown that the bonding hormone, oxytocin, gets released in both men and women when they’re touching, holding hands, kissing or snuggling. But oxytocin INCREASES in women after sex, while DECREASING in men, post-ejaculation. Interesting, right?Now, I’m the type of person who feels connected to my check-out guy at Trader Joe’s after a two-minute conversation about almond butter. And after having sex with someone–apparently due in part to all the oxytocin that is released–I feel amuch bigger connection to him. (Uh, no, I’ve never had sex with the Trader Joe’s dude.) By holding off while getting to know someone, I’ll save myself from additional pain if things don’t work out.

2) Holding out helps you protect your feelings.

I used to think I’d cut out all the “self-destructive” behavior in my life: After all, I quit using drugs, quit smoking and quit drinking (for the most part). I exercise all the time, eat as healthfully as I can, and am very careful about getting enough sleep. But after the experience with 25-year-old Mr. Heartthrob described above, I realize I can still be rather emotionally self-destructive. In the Heartthrob case, I hurled myself head first into a difficult situation, telling myself it will be worth it for the opportunity to get to know an interesting and very smart person who shares many of my interests–poetry, experimental music, fiction, theater, classic movies. (And for the opportunity to have hot hot sex with him!) I was thinking of only the pleasures. I wasn’t thinking of the pain, and the havoc the situation might wreck on my emotional stability.

3) Deciding on an a priori time frame helps you control your libido.

If I’d told myself I was going to hold off a full two months before getting horizontal with Mr. Heartthrob, it would’ve been easier to resist him. Instead, because I didn’t have a rule in mind, I let my sexual urges override my common sense.

4) Deciding on a priori time frame makes you feel (and seem) more in control of the situation.

That’s always nice, right?

5) Holding off can give you more clarity on the situation.

See points #2 and #4 above. When I start having sex with someone, a lot of what makes me crazy for him is simply the sex. I become a junkie! And that can make me lose sight of everything else.

6) Casual sex isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Sometimes I think I should be living it up more–and thereby having more casual sex, in this post-Carrie Bradshaw era. But as I know from my experience with Mr. Heartthrob, the intoxicating nights of fun aren’t worth the subsequent psychological hangover. Ouch.

7) You have a very healthy relationship with your vibrator, don’t you? (You should.)

My battery-operated device gives me all the sexual pleasure I need … and then some. So it’s not like I’m in desperate need of an orgasmic fix. What’s more, most men don’t leave me feeling anywhere near as satisfied as my vibe does. (Although, of course, being with a human being–as opposed to a piece of plastic–has its own rewards.)

8) Is one more short-term relationship going to help you find a long-term relationship?

I think I’ve had my fill of short-term relationship experience. Now, I’m ready to wait till something more serious comes along.

9)When you do have sex with someone you’ve known for two months, it’ll probably be more awesome than it would’ve been otherwise.


So … that’s where I’m at.

Go ahead: tell me what you think. Call me crazy. Tell me I’m finally wising up. Lay it on me. Just don’t get laid on me before you’ve been dating two months–unless you know you’re all right with it.


Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Sex with Robots?

Will humans soon enjoy the option of having sex with robots? We discuss the technology behind this progressive idea, along with legal, moral and ethical implications. How will this humanlike-bot alter reality? Will relationships suffer as a result?


Originally aired on October 6, 2015


Emma Yann Zhang @yannc2021 (London, United Kingdom)
PhD Student, City University London

Neil McArthur @morallust (Winnipeg, Canada)
Associate Director, Centre for Professional and Applied Ethics, University of Manitoba

Kathleen Richardson (Cambridge, United Kingdom)
Director, Campaign Against Sex Robots; Senior Research Fellow in Ethics of Robotics, De Montfort University; Anthropologist

Matt McMullen @AbyssCreations (San Diego, CA)
Creator, RealDoll


Caitlyn Becker

Featured image credit: Huffington Post

Curated by Timothy
Originally appeared in Huffington Post

Shower Sex Positions

Let’s face it. Shower sex is as easy as fitting a king sized bed in a New York City apartment. Unless your shower is the size of a walk in closet, your options are limited. 

Here are four positions that can make shower sex more fun.

1. Manos en la Pared (Hands on the Wall)

Stand up straight with your hands against the wall and legs spread slightly. Your man will enter you from behind. Tip: Be sure to aim your shower head as downward as possible so the water isn’t hitting you guys directly in the face. That can be distracting and things will get really wet — not in a good way.

2. Afeitado? (Shaving?)

Know how you lift your leg up and set it at the edge of the tub to shave? That’s an awesome sex position (tried and true, just saying)! Just make sure you have something to grip on. You don’t want to fall out and get a head injury or something.

3. La Silla (The Seat)

This one always works and you don’t risk busting your ass in a slippery bath tub. Have him sit down with his legs stretched out or slightly bent at the knee if he’s tall. Straddle him and go to town. The water hitting your back lightly will feel extra good.

4. Hacia Arriba (Straight Up)

Stand up straight with your back against the wall, lift one leg up and wrap it around his lower back. Tip: It will be easier for him to have full control if he presses his hands against the wall you’re leaning on.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Can You Achieve Multiple Orgasms?

We’ve all heard whispers and rumors, but actually having multiple orgasms? Well, that’s on par with having hair like a Victoria’s Secret angel and a metabolism that can burn right through morning bagels.

But sexperts are here to reassure us all that multiple orgasms really do exist and—even better—that we can all have them!

“I had a client who would regularly have 30 to 40 orgasms in a session with her man. She may be the extreme, but having one to five is totally normal and doable for any woman,” says holistic sex and relationship expert Kim Anami.

Obviously, we don’t need to convince how great an orgasm is, but there are actually benefits beyond just pleasure. “Touch, pleasure and orgasms all have a host of health benefits including boosting your immune system, regulating sleep cycles, alleviating anxiety and depression, and creating emotional wellbeing,” says Chris Rose, sex educator at Plus, she adds, the more pleasure you feel, the more adept your body becomes at releasing the pleasure hormones, so it becomes a positive feedback loop. In addition to the chemical and hormonal benefits, orgasms also lead to greater degrees of emotional release and openness for the woman.

And if one orgasm is healthy, imagine how much better off you’d be with two or more!

So, the question on all of our minds is, how?! “Many women don’t allow themselves to get fully aroused, and arousal is what fuels multiple orgasms,” Rose explains. This is a long road, and one you might not reach the end of on the first try, but Rose and Anami have a pretty thorough guide to help you get there. To achieve maximum arousal and multiple Os, follow these seven steps:

Check Your Emotions

Building arousal and experiencing multiple Os in one go is definitely about physical technique (don’t worry, we’ll get there), but first step is setting your thoughts and emotions straight. “Becoming a multiorgasmic woman is a mindset more than anything,” Rose says.

It’s as easy as believing it’s possible for you personally to climax more than once, Anami says. Next is learning to relax: “Deeper orgasms are all about a very intense state of release, so you have to be willing to dive into the unknown and let go,” Anami adds. Once your attitude starts to shift, two or more orgasms may well become your new normal, Rose says.

Slow Him Down

“Male stamina is crucial in women being able to reach higher states of pleasure and orgasm more,” Anami says. In fact, the average man takes anywhere from three to seven minutes to climax, while the average woman requires anywhere from 10 to 20—a discrepancy researchers call “the arousal gap.” How do you close that time frame? Female-focused foreplay is one of the best techniques, because it allows you to start down the excitement path earlier than him, which leads us to…

PlayBoy… Full Female Nudity Over

Weigh in… Playboy centerfold just doesn’t have the same sexual zing?

I was mildly surprised when I read today that Playboy has decided it will no longer feature full female nudity in its pages.

I mean, I haven’t seen the magazine in years, but I think it’s probably fair to say that Playboy, and its relatively tame photos, have touched the psyche of any American kid who came up in the age of Hefner, that is to say the second half of the 20th century.

Almost everyone I know has a Playboy story or two. Perhaps they once found their father’s stash. Perhaps their mother once found their stash. For an American teenager at one time, sneaking a Playboy was almost a rite of passage. I have a couple of stories myself.

Around 1972, my parents bought a beachside cabin in Baja, between Rosarito and Ensenada. It was a shack, really, and the sole bedroom was barely big enough to contain a bed. The previous owner, a Navy man, I believe, named Chester C. Crush (memorable name, plus his initials were carved into the doors), had papered the ceiling of the teensy bedroom with Playboy centerfolds.

My mother was totally grossed out.

She chopped up a bunch of Sunset magazines, and glued photos of landscapes and gardens over the rampant ceiling boobage. As a joke, though, she left one pair of breasts uncovered. I would lie on the bed with my friends and ask, “Do you see anything unusual on the ceiling?”

Many years later, I was asked by the Detroit Free Press magazine to write a story about a young Michigan woman who had been selected to pose as Playboy’s Playmate of the Month. I’d worked at the Detroit Free Press as a fashion editor and columnist for several years, and when I took a job at the L.A. Times in 1990, the Free Press asked me if I could squeeze in a freelance assignment.

What feminist wouldn’t want to write about the antediluvian custom of photographing naked women for the pleasure of horny dudes? I leaped at the chance.

Frankly, I did not have a huge objection to pictures of nekkid ladies, although I have never bought the idea that women who choose to pose nude, or dance nude, are exercising true agency over their own sexual lives. They are allowing themselves to be exploited for cash. That’s not my definition of empowerment. But hey, as long as there is no coercion involved, I can live with that.

At the time, I was told by Playboy spokespeople that I was the first reporter ever to be invited to cover an actual playmate shoot. Was that true? Really, I have no idea. But of course, that made the assignment even more enticing.

Erotic Intimacy and Tantra

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Ironically, I learned about this concept without a partner. In my single years, I executed a crazy experiment where consciously, I decided not to have an orgasm for a year.

No touching or canoodling—nada.

Suspecting the spiritual nature and sexuality were connected, I wanted to test abstinence’s effect on my spiritual self-actualization. Walking around like a monkish pleasures-of-the-flesh-abstinence adept, I hoped to transmute the latent sex energy into something awesome. My body would become a living alchemy of crazy sex energy, bursting with power.

Ultimately, this method would provide me with a river of rapid flowing energy discharged for quick manifestations.

In tandem, I yoga’d out and built a meditation practice om’ing three times a day to cope without my usual orgasmic release, which even without a partner, was (ahem) considerable.

At the time, the experiment yielded some fascinating results.

I wrote a book in six months, found an incredible loving partner and saw a major increase in my spiritual expansion. But recently, I was feeling my partner’s absence as something more unsettling. After spending over a week in the Costa Rican rainforest, the lack of my partner’s touches had me feeling the pang of truth from the old adage.

Like the times before without the release, I felt my head was going to pop off.

While lamenting to my best girlfriend about my recent ‘urges’ percolating, she mentioned Tantra as a sexual practice. She’d been to a couples workshop in Colorado led by tantric veteran Caroline Muir. She encouraged me to let the current of bubbly sex energy build, ride the wave and read Caroline’s work to my husband after I got home.

Partner Pleasures

Granted, we already had a pretty rockin’ sex life, even after eight years, but my being away for this stint awakened a strong desire to be more creative in the sack. We’d never broached the subject of Tantra, but if Sting was into it, how bad could it be? I wanted to carry that heart pounding absence-makes-the-heart-grow-fonder thing back to Alaska and knock his woolly socks off like a Lioness.

I had images of my hair wild, singing Carol King’s, “I feel the earth move under my feet” writhing over top of him like a nature Goddess, riding our wave of ecstasy.

I like to follow the philosophy of the Tao and watch what is present. So when I searched for Caroline Muir and couldn’t find her book online I purchased Urban Tantra by Barbara Carrellas instead—I wasn’t disappointed.

Carrellas goes into vivid detail and great depths on using the tantric way for mutual stimulation and arousal. She teaches how to literally breathe more life into sex through more traditional tantric techniques like yoni and lingham massage, to more alternative methods like S & M and fetishes; she covers a wide swath.

Thankful for Barbara’s visual aids and along with her compelling voice and stories, I was ready to trust the Tantra.

Does This Smell Good to You? Hawaiian Mushroom That Makes Women Orgasm

I have good news and bad news. Let’s start with the good news:

Scientists have discovered an orange mushroom in recent Hawaiian lava flows that can induce instantaneous orgasms in women just from the odor it gives off. That’s right, fellas. You can get your girl to bust nuts all over the place just by having her sniff this thing.

This orgasm triggered by fungus, or “fungasm,” is due in part from hormones in the mushroom that are close in similarity to the same ones picked up by our own neurotransmitters. Basically, the smell of this shroom makes the female body think it’s having sex. Imagine walking into a sorority house with your pockets filled with these mushrooms.

Screen Shot 2015-10-09 at 3.57.14 PM

Take your time, I’ll wait. Really let your mind paint that picture, and enjoy it while you can. Because here comes the bad news:

The orange mushroom smells orgasmic to women and literally caused nearly half of the volunteers for the study to climax. Unfortunately, it smells like week old horse shit to men. In the International Journal of Medicinal Mushrooms, the discoverers of the orange fungus, John C. Holliday and Noah Soule, concluded that all the male test subjects were repulsed by the fetid smell.

So if you’re bad in bed and need a little bit of help, go find these mushrooms and hide a bunch of them under your bed. Then grab a clothes pin for yourself. Thank me later.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article
Photo Credit: Deviant Art

The Other Virginity: To Be or Not to Be

“If you’re confused, I’ll just say that it’s the most common one to be kept the longest (by non-Catholics).”

My parents never had “the talk” with me.  We never discussed sex, not the technical how-to, nor the philosophical meaning.  They were busy, preoccupied with their own chaos, so I gathered my information about it as I went along, from books and friends and friend’s older brother’s porn collections..  I figured out what I needed to know, but I didn’t realize that virginity was a thing that some people save for true love, or some semblance thereof, until I only had one virginal penetration point left.  You know the one…if you’re confused, I’ll just say that it’s the most common one to be kept the longest (by non-Catholics).   Now, since I am a true romantic at heart, I thought the idea of saving something for true love was really sweet, and decided to save my anal virginity for someone special.

For years after making that decision, it never came up.  I’m not sure if that’s because it was the 90’s, and backdoor play didn’t really come into vogue focus until post-millennium, or because I was mostly sleeping with guys after last call, who were too drunk to do anything that required effort (bc any drunken fool can fall into an open vagina, but a lady’s bum requires a considerable amount more finesse).  Then, when I was 25, I fell in love.  However, it was with a man who was…gifted…with very, very large equipment.  So I rethought my plan, and decided to wait until marriage, thinking that if this guy would be the one, I’d have an entire lifetime to work up to the feat, and if this man was not to be my betrothed, whoever was would surely have less manhood to work with, making the special act less intimidating.

10 Sheet Grabbing Foreplays

Finding foreplay repetitive? When it comes to getting in the mood, foreplay is by far the most important aspect of sex. But don’t worry there’s always something for you and your partner to enjoy. We butted heads with top sexperts and rounded up the 10 best foreplay tips guaranteed to make you and your partner go wild. Here’s what you need to know…

Sex should be fun, playful and anything but boring so why not invest some time and effort into your foreplay techniques? Trust us, it CAN go a long way!

Author of Sex Academy, Dr Pam Spurr says, “For no holds barred pleasure the best foreplay really teases your partner increasing their desire meaning they’re far more likely to climax.”

There’s always a time and a place for a tease and when you’re warming up before getting down, there’s no better time to use your foreplay skills to your advantage. Remember, it’s all about the anticipation.

So to help you make sex exciting again we got together with the best sex and relationships experts out there to share their advice on mind blowing foreplay. Ladies, here’s how to fire him up…

1. Eastern swirl and poke

Dr Pam suggests a little trick that your man can use to make you go wild.

“When you’ve started foreplay and you’re kissing and caressing, he should move on down your body and use the ‘Eastern Swirl and Poke’ kissing technique,” she explains.

“He relaxes his lips and allows his tongue to swirl around the tips of your nipples. Then he alternates this sensation with a gentle poking action from the tip of his tongue. He can also move down your body to use on you for oral-sex pleasure.” Show him how you like.

2. Go for the grind

Founder of, Emily Dubberly says it’s all about grinding to get you worked up.

Rather than going purely for penetration or clitoral stimulation, try grinding against your man’s thigh or opt for some good old-fashioned dry humping,” she suggests.” That way, you can stimulate your pubic mound and way more of your clitoris than usual – it can work just as well with your clothes on as off.”

One thing for your man to consider is paying more attention to your breasts. Sexpert and owner of online sex retailer Jo Divine, Samantha Evans says, “Most men love boobs but don’t give them much attention during foreplay, rushing to your more obvious body parts. Get your man to devote more time, lavishly massaging oil into your gorgeous breasts and concentrating on your nipples with both his fingers and mouth”. You’ll both enjoy it!

3. Moves like a movie star

Being a bit of a tease is a good thing when it comes to foreplay so when you’re getting down to it, why not try and keep up the anticipation for an entire film?

“If you want to really turn your guy on try lubing your hand thoroughly then gripping and releasing your man rather than sliding your hand up and down – this will make it easier for you to keep going for longer.

Position your thumb on the frenulum (the stringy bit that runs from the head to the shaft) as it tends to be the most sensitive. Try teasing him for an ENTIRE film, stopping just before climax then starting again for a truly explosive finish.” Works every time. Massage him with YES Organic Lube and watch him go wild.